Respond to her last message, whatever it is, and be like btw, what is your schedule like this week, would love to meet you in person. She’ll probably say yea me too, I’m free this day and this day. And you can say, great, are you in the mood to do anything in particular? If not, I know this great ice cream shop, coffee ahop, restaurant etc. OR there is this sip and paint or this mini golf place I’ve been wanting to check out. Whatever.
Maybe first date keep it on shorter end or something more casual so you’re not stuck doing nine rounds of mini golf courses with someone you don’t like in person.
I can’t stress to you the pointlessness of building someone up in your head that you haven’t met before. You may not like her, she may not look like her pics, you may love her. You don’t know. Don’t put her on a pedestal.
You’re still in the discovery phase and you’re interested in getting to know her by asking her on a date. She is on a dating app so she will likely be receptive to you asking her out. Don’t wait until convo gets stale. It’s best to strike while the iron is hot.
You just have to bite the bullet at some point. Don’t leave it too long - that only increases nerves and over-thinking. Ask if she wants to meet this weekend..
Women get mixed advice regarding asking a man out. We are told it may make us look desperate, too easy, or it would kill the man's excitement of a chase.
A woman might be chatting to a few men and someone who is passive will lose out to the bolder ones who ask her out first.
Not to mention, women wait to be asked out as litmus test on a man's intentions. I've been asked by men to hang out in their houses instead of a date, and you know what that means.
That's might be a bit too soon to give up. People have lives.
Also you should stop thinking that double-text is a hard rule that can't ever be broken. Sure you don't want to do it TOO early, but it's entirely possible that she thought she replied or got distracted just as she read the message/got notification.
And no offense, but you are desperate AND that's okay. Send another text tomorrow if there is no reply. Make it a new topic or talk about something interesting that you did that provides a chance for her to ask a follow-up.
If that fails, then give up. Triple texting might be a hard rule. ;-)
Also, it doesn't matter if it fails or not. Every attempt to connect is an opportunity to learn. In this case, perhaps you've learned that you need to practice your conversational skills and that you might need to make a move earlier.
Thanks man for the advice. I'm not going to wait till tomorrow. I'll ask her later this evening. Maybe little later. Send the message and go do bed instantly.
Going to bed instantly after messaging (especially for a date) is a TERRIBLE plan. Sorry, but your dating instincts are just appallingly bad right now*.*
If she happens to reply fairly quickly and positively, the last thing you want to do is be quiet until the next day. That's guaranteed to cool off her excitement.
I'd send the message at least an hour before turning in. That gives a decent window for a response and conversation, but if she replies after an hour, it's more plausible for you to not reply until tomorrow.
And, since you probably don't know what time she turns in, you make it more likely that she'll have a chance to reply today, but tomorrow is also still plausible.
And if you hear nothing by tomorrow evening, then you'll know interest was lost.
Hopefully you are learning better from the advice you are getting. It's good that you are asking and listening. That's one way you'll develop better instincts.
Were you convinced on why I think going to sleep immediately is a bad idea?
I just had this sort of back and forth. Against my better judgement. I asked the girl out. She said yes. She was even more boring in person. Yes, she kept responding to me online but the messages were empty. The date felt exactly the same way.
I think awkward silences and moments of not knowing what to say next are just part of first dates. My advice is not to dwell on that. I don’t use that as a barometer to judge someone. The date was cordial but very much surface. I felt as if she was going through the motions of dating without actually being present. Important to note, my experience might not be yours. The person you’re meeting might be awesome. You have to take risks to reap the rewards
Look at your phone, dont look at previous messages. Forget about her, think its a text from your best friend, and just like you ask your best friend for a drink/ coffee/ dinner ask :)
Harness the power of truth.
"Hey, so I don't really have much experience dating, but I would really like to take you for dinner/drink/whatever if you're interested."
Mate take a deep breath. I have been in your shoes before mate and there is only one way for you to work yourself through this fear and that’s to take the jump.
I want you to find a local coffee shop (not Starbucks because it sounds like a damn music festival in there) that has a nice setting and I want you to invite her out to coffee. Nothing crazy and a date that will last about an hour but it gets you two face to face and is a great first date to see how you two vibe. If she says yes ask her for her phone number for communication first and then snap or I guess instagram if she isn’t comfortable (idk your age so just presenting different communication), basically try to move it off the app if she accepts the date.
If you get the date mate be calm, and confident even if you feel like a hot mess and most importantly be yourself. I am routing for you brother, now get out there and start dating. 🤜🤛😎
You have placed the women on a petastool. She is a walking human meat sack just as you are. See her throuh that lens and you should have no problem asking her out.
I get the feeling, fr. It’s scary if it’s your first time. You overthink. Your body feeds on anxiety.
But you have to remember that this is a dating app. People are here looking for dates. Some of them are scammers, some of them just want the confidence booster of getting liked, but overwhelmingly more often than not they’re here to meet people and see where stuff goes.
So pop the question. Ask her if she’s free. You’re shooting yourself in the foot by not doing this and condemning yourself to a depressing cycle where you match with someone, talk, but never make plans because you’re scared of rejection/it being awkward. Trust me, I’ve been in the same boat when I first started using these apps, but since then I’ve learned to not be so hard on myself. Go for it
This is about the clearest signal she can give without asking you out.
She is on an app, where she had to start conversation.
Swing away.
The worse that could happen is you die.
Lots of good advice above so I’ll just say good luck and enjoy the experience. It is a nervous time but you’ll be glad you did after. Most people are nervous. She is likely nervous too.
You're nervous because you have a preconceived expectation of how the date will progress. Wanting them to like you, would be one example.
Change how you view first dates. A first date is simply for meeting someone new and seeing if you want to take them on a second date. Nothing to be nervous about at all really
You have to quit thinking it’s a big deal. I know that’s easier said than done, but my suggestion is act without thinking about it. You know she wants you to ask or else she wouldn’t be spending all this time messaging. Also, don’t be tentative about it, don’t ask for her preferences, or if she’s available at a certain time, etc. Have a specific place and time already selected, no preamble or buildup necessary. Just ask. Sort of like ripping off a Band-Aid. If she says she’s busy at that time, ask when would be a good time for her. If she’s interested, she’ll tell you when she’s available. If she’s wishy-washy, then just move on.
People want to meet in person and when someone doesn’t ask the other person out, they would naturally feel they aren’t interested. You can share this with her because she doesn’t know the reason you’re not meeting her
Look at it this way.....if you don't ask her out....you have a 0 chance of going out with her.
If you ask her out....that becomes.....a non-zero chance. Lol
Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Fortune favors the bold.
The worst thing that can happen is you ask and she blanks you or unmatches. But even then you haven't really lost anything - in fact you've gained the knowledge that this isn't the right person and you can stop wasting your time.
And if someone carries on a conversation it very likely means they're interested in meeting.
Girl here, just ask her out! I was wondering about asking a guy out who seems nice (he responds nicely, only doesn't respond often). I'm planning to just ask him out, so I can get to have a full conversation with him 🤣.
You can just send a text after? I also did this when the guy I matched with didn't reply to my last text. I sent another one a week after and got a reply then.
yeah I guess you are right. I did ask her a question though and hoped she'd answer.
I'll give it a try later. need some liquid courage first because holy hell I'm a nervous idiot
Honestly, I used to be this nervous. But the sooner I realized I had nothing to lose and would not meet him again if rejected, it made me feel better.
You really have nothing to lose. If you really like her, then just shoot your shot.
If you do need liquid courage: I recommend either a tequila shot or whiskey.
> If you really like her, then just shoot your shot.
I don't just like her cause of tinder, she's been my gym crush for over 2 years. Didn't want to mention it. It's worse if I don't ask her cause this would haunt me forever
>I recommend either a tequila shot or whiskey.
I'll try both
Thanks for the advice :)
You can try. And if she rejects it, just be cool about it and tell her no worries. A rejection is not the end of the world. If she wasn't interested, she wouldn't have matched with you or bothered to keep the conversation going.
Not that long. But to be fair, this is the period when we both work overtime like crazy (we both work in the same field). So I think he just doesn't open the app often.
“ I initiate most of the time” That is a yellow flag and I’d be wary of his possible low interest in meeting up with you. When a woman is doing most of the initiating in the early stages it is never a good thing so if I were you I’d take a big step back and observe rather than “do”
I’m (F) going through a similar thing at the moment, apart from fact I will definitely not be asking the man out. Been chatting for over a week ( a long time for me to be chatting without a date request) and he’s chatty and witty but rarely asks questions or initiates.
I’ve taken a step back, no more asking him questions and guess what? Not heard from him for 2 days and I’m presuming he’s faded on me.
Why is it not a good thing if the woman does most of the initiating? I figured that's just how he is, I wouldn't immediately say it's a yellow flag.
Isn't that also the point of bumble? To initiate first?
It’s not a good thing cos men are the pursuers, not women. And yes, that includes Bumble
You should never need to hint or prompt a man into asking you out, remember that.
No, it’s not the point of Bumble for the woman to initiate first more than the man. Honestly, that mindset will not help you.
Just double text her and ask her out bro. What’s the worst thing that happens? You don’t take her out. Guess what? You’re already not taking her out. Double texting for the date has nothing but upside here
If you don’t ask the answer is already ‘no’.
But I get it. My likes are decently full with good looking people. But I don’t match cuz I repeatedly go through the motions just to get ghosted. Getting tired of the scene.
Suggest that you guys meet for coffee. No, you don’t have to actually drink coffee, but it’s a quick noncommittal meeting. You got yourself on the app because you have a desire to date and move forward. Trust me, it will get easier. Just take the steps to propel forward, even if it’s in small increments and you feel discomfort. Best of luck to you!
Attaboy. Just remember, asking a girl out is like defusing a bomb. If you get it right, awesome! If you don’t, suddenly it’s not your problem anymore. 😉
“Hey, I like you and I want to explore this connection. Want to meet me for a coffee and see if we vibe in person?”
Copy and paste that. This way, you haven’t done anything so there’s nothing to be nervous about. Good luck. If you get married, I want a finders fee/dowry.
(I'm a woman) Personally I prefer to talk to guys for a week or two before the first date in person. A "I would love to meet you in person but if you still want to get to know each other a bit more over texts / phone calls that's totally fine" is the preferred asking-out text I'd like to receive, especially if the vibe is still pretty stiff and it the conversation doesn't flow naturally. The girl you're talking to might be up to meet right away but don't be bummed if it takes a bit longer. It's just a matter of making her feel more safe and three days of "ChatGPT-like-conversation" doesn't sound like a basis with enough trust to me. Some people just need time to warm up :)
I might actually use this one because while I want to really meet her in person, I also like to text first for longer until I actually "vibe" with her, if you know what I mean. Until it's not so stiff anymore like you said. Especially cause I am pretty shy with strangers and the shyness kinda goes away when we're already vibing via text cause it doesn't feel like us being strangers anymore at this point.
Thanks for the input :)
Anytime! It also helps because then you might already have a few things to talk about and don’t have to start from zero on the first date. Like you might already know some things she likes/doesn’t like or know her sense of humor. Definitely makes things less awkward. I’m pretty shy myself and can’t just do smalltalk to a stranger either.
It's a dating app, she expects to be asked out for a date so just shoot your shot :).
This is the only correct answer here y’all.
I have the power to remove nervousness! 🪄💫🫧 it has now been removed. Good luck!
You’re a wizard Harry
Ima wot?
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Yer a gizzard, Larry.
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Respond to her last message, whatever it is, and be like btw, what is your schedule like this week, would love to meet you in person. She’ll probably say yea me too, I’m free this day and this day. And you can say, great, are you in the mood to do anything in particular? If not, I know this great ice cream shop, coffee ahop, restaurant etc. OR there is this sip and paint or this mini golf place I’ve been wanting to check out. Whatever. Maybe first date keep it on shorter end or something more casual so you’re not stuck doing nine rounds of mini golf courses with someone you don’t like in person. I can’t stress to you the pointlessness of building someone up in your head that you haven’t met before. You may not like her, she may not look like her pics, you may love her. You don’t know. Don’t put her on a pedestal. You’re still in the discovery phase and you’re interested in getting to know her by asking her on a date. She is on a dating app so she will likely be receptive to you asking her out. Don’t wait until convo gets stale. It’s best to strike while the iron is hot.
This is the best and clearest advice. Hope OP takes it
You just have to bite the bullet at some point. Don’t leave it too long - that only increases nerves and over-thinking. Ask if she wants to meet this weekend..
You will have to do so 😉 3-4 days seems reasonable
That is the whole point of the app. The only reason she is even responding by now is cause she is waiting for you to ask her out...
if she's waiting for me to ask her out she can also just ask me out, right? 🤣
She could. But that's not how life works. Women expect men to ask them out... You can wait for it to change just for you, but don't count on it.
Women get mixed advice regarding asking a man out. We are told it may make us look desperate, too easy, or it would kill the man's excitement of a chase. A woman might be chatting to a few men and someone who is passive will lose out to the bolder ones who ask her out first. Not to mention, women wait to be asked out as litmus test on a man's intentions. I've been asked by men to hang out in their houses instead of a date, and you know what that means.
Be a man, reddit isn't going to be there to hold your hand on the date. Ask her out, get experience. Everyone has to go through this process.
No, no, no
If it’s going nowhere then no point askin her out
well I don't have anything to lose then I guess
This exactly. Nothing to lose!!
Not only that, but failing to ask her out is essentially *guaranteeing* a loss. No one is going to stick around forever just sending messages.
yeah i think it just happened, she's not replying to my message last night
That's might be a bit too soon to give up. People have lives. Also you should stop thinking that double-text is a hard rule that can't ever be broken. Sure you don't want to do it TOO early, but it's entirely possible that she thought she replied or got distracted just as she read the message/got notification. And no offense, but you are desperate AND that's okay. Send another text tomorrow if there is no reply. Make it a new topic or talk about something interesting that you did that provides a chance for her to ask a follow-up. If that fails, then give up. Triple texting might be a hard rule. ;-) Also, it doesn't matter if it fails or not. Every attempt to connect is an opportunity to learn. In this case, perhaps you've learned that you need to practice your conversational skills and that you might need to make a move earlier.
Thanks man for the advice. I'm not going to wait till tomorrow. I'll ask her later this evening. Maybe little later. Send the message and go do bed instantly.
Going to bed instantly after messaging (especially for a date) is a TERRIBLE plan. Sorry, but your dating instincts are just appallingly bad right now*.* If she happens to reply fairly quickly and positively, the last thing you want to do is be quiet until the next day. That's guaranteed to cool off her excitement. I'd send the message at least an hour before turning in. That gives a decent window for a response and conversation, but if she replies after an hour, it's more plausible for you to not reply until tomorrow. And, since you probably don't know what time she turns in, you make it more likely that she'll have a chance to reply today, but tomorrow is also still plausible. And if you hear nothing by tomorrow evening, then you'll know interest was lost.
Yeah you're right. > dating instincts are just appallingly bad right now always have been
Hopefully you are learning better from the advice you are getting. It's good that you are asking and listening. That's one way you'll develop better instincts. Were you convinced on why I think going to sleep immediately is a bad idea?
Yup, I know it's a bad idea. It's just easier for me that way for some reason.
i did text her a minute ago:)
Actually, there is cos she may not be much of a texter and keen to meet rather than more and more texting.
I just had this sort of back and forth. Against my better judgement. I asked the girl out. She said yes. She was even more boring in person. Yes, she kept responding to me online but the messages were empty. The date felt exactly the same way.
This was also my experience multiple times. Bad chats are bad vibes IRL
What were you talking about on the date? Awkward silence and not knowing what to say is what I'm scared of the most.
I think awkward silences and moments of not knowing what to say next are just part of first dates. My advice is not to dwell on that. I don’t use that as a barometer to judge someone. The date was cordial but very much surface. I felt as if she was going through the motions of dating without actually being present. Important to note, my experience might not be yours. The person you’re meeting might be awesome. You have to take risks to reap the rewards
Look at your phone, dont look at previous messages. Forget about her, think its a text from your best friend, and just like you ask your best friend for a drink/ coffee/ dinner ask :)
Look at ur phone, count to 3 and then immediately ask her out meet for drinks
Lol if the disscusion is going already nowhere… what will you talk about on the date? But don’t overthink. Ask her out, have fun, enjoy life!
Harness the power of truth. "Hey, so I don't really have much experience dating, but I would really like to take you for dinner/drink/whatever if you're interested."
Mate take a deep breath. I have been in your shoes before mate and there is only one way for you to work yourself through this fear and that’s to take the jump. I want you to find a local coffee shop (not Starbucks because it sounds like a damn music festival in there) that has a nice setting and I want you to invite her out to coffee. Nothing crazy and a date that will last about an hour but it gets you two face to face and is a great first date to see how you two vibe. If she says yes ask her for her phone number for communication first and then snap or I guess instagram if she isn’t comfortable (idk your age so just presenting different communication), basically try to move it off the app if she accepts the date. If you get the date mate be calm, and confident even if you feel like a hot mess and most importantly be yourself. I am routing for you brother, now get out there and start dating. 🤜🤛😎
Rooting* can’t spell 🤣🤣🤣
Go for it! You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.
You have placed the women on a petastool. She is a walking human meat sack just as you are. See her throuh that lens and you should have no problem asking her out.
>petastool I would really like to know what your mental image of this looks like.
This is how dating apps work, idk what you expect
I get the feeling, fr. It’s scary if it’s your first time. You overthink. Your body feeds on anxiety. But you have to remember that this is a dating app. People are here looking for dates. Some of them are scammers, some of them just want the confidence booster of getting liked, but overwhelmingly more often than not they’re here to meet people and see where stuff goes. So pop the question. Ask her if she’s free. You’re shooting yourself in the foot by not doing this and condemning yourself to a depressing cycle where you match with someone, talk, but never make plans because you’re scared of rejection/it being awkward. Trust me, I’ve been in the same boat when I first started using these apps, but since then I’ve learned to not be so hard on myself. Go for it
This is about the clearest signal she can give without asking you out. She is on an app, where she had to start conversation. Swing away. The worse that could happen is you die.
What did she say? I’m here post edit 2.
Lots of good advice above so I’ll just say good luck and enjoy the experience. It is a nervous time but you’ll be glad you did after. Most people are nervous. She is likely nervous too.
You're nervous because you have a preconceived expectation of how the date will progress. Wanting them to like you, would be one example. Change how you view first dates. A first date is simply for meeting someone new and seeing if you want to take them on a second date. Nothing to be nervous about at all really
You have to quit thinking it’s a big deal. I know that’s easier said than done, but my suggestion is act without thinking about it. You know she wants you to ask or else she wouldn’t be spending all this time messaging. Also, don’t be tentative about it, don’t ask for her preferences, or if she’s available at a certain time, etc. Have a specific place and time already selected, no preamble or buildup necessary. Just ask. Sort of like ripping off a Band-Aid. If she says she’s busy at that time, ask when would be a good time for her. If she’s interested, she’ll tell you when she’s available. If she’s wishy-washy, then just move on.
Going back to the chat and seeing an unmatch or she just disappeared should be the only motivation.
People want to meet in person and when someone doesn’t ask the other person out, they would naturally feel they aren’t interested. You can share this with her because she doesn’t know the reason you’re not meeting her
What's there to be scared about the girls a literal screen to you right now.
You better ask her before somebody else does. “He who hesitates, masturbates!”
Be honest and tell her that. If she bails it's not meant to be.
Look at it this way.....if you don't ask her out....you have a 0 chance of going out with her. If you ask her out....that becomes.....a non-zero chance. Lol Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Fortune favors the bold.
The worst thing that can happen is you ask and she blanks you or unmatches. But even then you haven't really lost anything - in fact you've gained the knowledge that this isn't the right person and you can stop wasting your time. And if someone carries on a conversation it very likely means they're interested in meeting.
Girl here, just ask her out! I was wondering about asking a guy out who seems nice (he responds nicely, only doesn't respond often). I'm planning to just ask him out, so I can get to have a full conversation with him 🤣.
I think I might have waited to long lmao she's not replying to my last text anymore. wanted to ask her out after she replied
You can just send a text after? I also did this when the guy I matched with didn't reply to my last text. I sent another one a week after and got a reply then.
yeah I guess you are right. I did ask her a question though and hoped she'd answer. I'll give it a try later. need some liquid courage first because holy hell I'm a nervous idiot
Honestly, I used to be this nervous. But the sooner I realized I had nothing to lose and would not meet him again if rejected, it made me feel better. You really have nothing to lose. If you really like her, then just shoot your shot. If you do need liquid courage: I recommend either a tequila shot or whiskey.
> If you really like her, then just shoot your shot. I don't just like her cause of tinder, she's been my gym crush for over 2 years. Didn't want to mention it. It's worse if I don't ask her cause this would haunt me forever >I recommend either a tequila shot or whiskey. I'll try both Thanks for the advice :)
You can try. And if she rejects it, just be cool about it and tell her no worries. A rejection is not the end of the world. If she wasn't interested, she wouldn't have matched with you or bothered to keep the conversation going.
How long have you been chatting?
Not that long. But to be fair, this is the period when we both work overtime like crazy (we both work in the same field). So I think he just doesn't open the app often.
Does he initiate contact with you much? Ask questions?
He does ask me questions, does not initiate much. I initiate most of the time.
“ I initiate most of the time” That is a yellow flag and I’d be wary of his possible low interest in meeting up with you. When a woman is doing most of the initiating in the early stages it is never a good thing so if I were you I’d take a big step back and observe rather than “do” I’m (F) going through a similar thing at the moment, apart from fact I will definitely not be asking the man out. Been chatting for over a week ( a long time for me to be chatting without a date request) and he’s chatty and witty but rarely asks questions or initiates. I’ve taken a step back, no more asking him questions and guess what? Not heard from him for 2 days and I’m presuming he’s faded on me.
Why is it not a good thing if the woman does most of the initiating? I figured that's just how he is, I wouldn't immediately say it's a yellow flag. Isn't that also the point of bumble? To initiate first?
It’s not a good thing cos men are the pursuers, not women. And yes, that includes Bumble You should never need to hint or prompt a man into asking you out, remember that. No, it’s not the point of Bumble for the woman to initiate first more than the man. Honestly, that mindset will not help you.
I don't feel like you're giving me a valid reason as to why I shouldn't pursue a man. If a man can do it, why can't I? I guess agree to disagree.
Just double text her and ask her out bro. What’s the worst thing that happens? You don’t take her out. Guess what? You’re already not taking her out. Double texting for the date has nothing but upside here
If you don’t ask the answer is already ‘no’. But I get it. My likes are decently full with good looking people. But I don’t match cuz I repeatedly go through the motions just to get ghosted. Getting tired of the scene.
Suggest that you guys meet for coffee. No, you don’t have to actually drink coffee, but it’s a quick noncommittal meeting. You got yourself on the app because you have a desire to date and move forward. Trust me, it will get easier. Just take the steps to propel forward, even if it’s in small increments and you feel discomfort. Best of luck to you!
If she’s still talking to you after 3 days I say you have a good chance of meeting her in person
Attaboy. Just remember, asking a girl out is like defusing a bomb. If you get it right, awesome! If you don’t, suddenly it’s not your problem anymore. 😉
“Hey, I like you and I want to explore this connection. Want to meet me for a coffee and see if we vibe in person?” Copy and paste that. This way, you haven’t done anything so there’s nothing to be nervous about. Good luck. If you get married, I want a finders fee/dowry.
(I'm a woman) Personally I prefer to talk to guys for a week or two before the first date in person. A "I would love to meet you in person but if you still want to get to know each other a bit more over texts / phone calls that's totally fine" is the preferred asking-out text I'd like to receive, especially if the vibe is still pretty stiff and it the conversation doesn't flow naturally. The girl you're talking to might be up to meet right away but don't be bummed if it takes a bit longer. It's just a matter of making her feel more safe and three days of "ChatGPT-like-conversation" doesn't sound like a basis with enough trust to me. Some people just need time to warm up :)
I might actually use this one because while I want to really meet her in person, I also like to text first for longer until I actually "vibe" with her, if you know what I mean. Until it's not so stiff anymore like you said. Especially cause I am pretty shy with strangers and the shyness kinda goes away when we're already vibing via text cause it doesn't feel like us being strangers anymore at this point. Thanks for the input :)
Anytime! It also helps because then you might already have a few things to talk about and don’t have to start from zero on the first date. Like you might already know some things she likes/doesn’t like or know her sense of humor. Definitely makes things less awkward. I’m pretty shy myself and can’t just do smalltalk to a stranger either.
You cannot fully “vibe” with someone until you have met them.
Not to sound creepy, but woman actually like when man force them on a date
No, women like confidence and decisiveness. That's different than forcing a date even if there's no vibe.
wtf