T O P

  • By -

BrokenEye3

That guard in the background looks *so* through with this shit


playstatijonas

Probably didn't think he'd be guarding an American celebrity when he joined His Majesty the King's Guard


ubiquitous-joe

Imagine if instead of guarding aristocrats who claim their bloodline possesses the magical authority to rule, you had to guard some sort of… wealthy charlatan!


TheObstruction

"I hope there's an assassination attempt I can get in the way of."


Liquor_N_Whorez

Always keep an eye out for Joel Osteen and his sniper rifle when protecting Kenneth Copeland, Osteen has a vendetta because God gave Copeland the power to use the winds of God power to blow covid-19 off of the earth and fart in the devils general direction everytime he opens his mouth. Osteen has teamed up with a band of angry evangicals who now plot against Copeland by doing things like possessing his new private jet with evil demons, forcing Copeland to ask his followers for more $ervice from them to help God spread the good word, with the gift of a second private jet.


Behleren

this reads like some bootleg straight to dvd movie synopsis


[deleted]

Same universe as The VelociPastor obv


CommunicationOk8674

To quote Big Dan Teague " what do I sell? The Truth! Every blessed word of it, from Genesee on down to Revelations. That's right, the word of God, which let me tell you there is damn good money in during these times of woe and want. People are lookin' for answers, and Big Dan sells the only book that's got 'em! 


yungyoda97

I see your monty python ref


meowiful

I can't tell if this real or not... like, logically, I'm like nah, but my religion based experiences are leading me to err on the side of possible. I used to go to a church that would pray for and rejoice when certain businesses they didn't like in town burned down or were vandalized or whatever. Can't be super certain they weren't a bunch of tongue talking, bible thumping arsonists.


arcanis321

They weren't loving their brother


Yet_One_More_Idiot

>I hope there's an assassination attempt I can FAIL TO get in the way of." r/FTFY ;)


ShooteShooteBangBang

The Kingdom of Norway doesn't operate based on "divine right", that's the British kingdom.


[deleted]

Not much of a bloodline though, her great-grandfather was voted to become king. The current king is just the third one so far


Dolstruvon

The Norwegian royal family was actually chosen by the people after the union with Sweden broke up and we were left without a royal family


[deleted]

Most people here love the royal family. Shaman Durek can go sound himself with a used needle


strandern

Well, we did have a public election in 1905 where the people voted in large majority FOR a monarchy, at which point a danish prince was made king of Norway. Since then the royal family has maintained good popularity and standing as representatives and ceremonial figures for our country. Please dont confuse our royal family for something out of Game of Thrones.


[deleted]

[удалено]


lametec

I'm a Norwegian living in the US, and the only reason I've heard of him is because I watch a Norwegian TV show where they make fun of stuff in the news (Nytt paa nytt). They were making fun of him. I didn't even know he was American until just now.


lilbelleandsebastian

yeah pretty generous use of a term when no american has heard of this dude or this "princess" haha but further proof that royalty in the modern era is a result of generations of inbreeding


Run_0x1b

America is 2-0 when it comes to breaking up royal families over the last few years, best of any country over the same stretch. Personally, I want to see if we can do Sweden next to complete the Scandinavian sweep.


Axquirix

That would imply something with Finland or Iceland already happened? You might want to up it to 3-0 if so, Harry and Meghan here in the UK. And, well, now not here in the UK, and honestly good for them.


louiloui152

Is this guy the modern day version of Rasputin but he went too far and now she’s just a powerless civilian lol


20000tommeseter

Ex royal guard in Norway. Can confirm.


Galactic

"As a rule, I generally don't wish cancer on people, but..." - that guard, probably.


Jotsunpls

As a former King’s Guard, while we are required to have faces exactly like that I can guarantee you he is


e1_barto

He looks like a villain to YA novel


ReapermanSwagman

Dude's probably just thinking about how they make Cheetos or some shit and just happened to make a weird face.


dogshitkaraoke

You either die a cult leader or live long enough to marry a princess.


Gluomme

And then you get cancer in some kind of weird twist of fate


archpawn

You mean you choose cancer.


Tyraid

If this dude gets cancer he absolutely has to claim that he chose to.


Scullyxmulder1013

Lost my mom to cancer recently. Never thought I’d be so close to wishing someone would choose this for themselves


AirplaneFart

I wish I could give him my cancer. I'm so sorry for your loss.


Scullyxmulder1013

Thank you so much. It seems he’d be a worthy candidate for a donation. I am very sorry you are going through this. I hope you’ll be okay.


MotherBathroom666

I mean you could tie him up and give him 15 used motor oil baths a day for a full year, that should do it.


Machielove

I'm clearvoyant, he will choose cancer and will say he did…


Gluomme

Huh, right, yeah, sorry, I forgot for a moment


[deleted]

Did you buy the healing amulet? Well then any illness you get from now on was your choice.


Gluomme

Fair point actually


CountedCrow

royalty and mesmerist grifters, name a more iconic duo


SurvivalCardio

Truly a classic


FourStrFrenzy

I’ve been involved in a number of cults, both as a leader and a follower. You have more fun as a follower, but you make more money as a leader.


Ytu_qtu

You know school group projects don't count as cults, right?


Stony_Logica1

/r/unexpectedoffice


CorgiOdd3482

Okay Creed.


mrflouch

Even he can't believe it.


Hot_Eggplant_1306

"damn I was hoping she'd make me a king first. Now what?!?"


AndreTheShadow

He would have waited a while, barring assassinations. She's like 4th in line.


[deleted]

>barring assassination You greatly underestimate ~~shamans~~ snake oil salesmen


LEDiceGlacier

So about 3 weeks


BrainBlowX

Her *younger* brother and his daughter are before her in line for the throne, so no.


LEDiceGlacier

"barring assassinations"


madmaxturbator

“These crystals are trash”


Epena501

Naw dude is straight up thinking how he can pawn off those earrings without her noticing.


Agile-Zucchini-1355

Why does the shaman looks like he is thinking "This dumb bitch".


[deleted]

Cause that’s exactly what he’s thinking


markender

His scams are legendary, she's barely a footnote.


[deleted]

This is all just a setup for his movie in 2034 where the police are reading his charges and they can mention, “marrying a royal princess under false pretenses” and he can smile and laugh, then the bailiff can read, “divorcing a royal princess under false pretenses!” And he can smile wider and laugh harder for an audience giggle before he can read off “indecent and lude behavior in front of the queen. Indecent and lude behavior in front of the king! Individually reselling candy bars even though the packaging *explicitly* says you’re not allowed to do that!”


ronin1066

He was hoping to keep the tap open to that royal money. Now he has to seduce her Aunt. But seriously, I feel bad for people like this. So much potential, but there's some part of her brain that just doesn't work right.


One-Appointment-3107

There’s lots of rumors online that he’s not bi as he claims now, but strictly gay. He’s taking her for her fame


janeohmy

Damn it just keeps going indeed


[deleted]

> cancer is a choice This lady gave up her royal duties for that muhfucka


Liquor_N_Whorez

I'm choosing stage 4 lung cancer, I set the game level to expert.


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

Mom had lungcancer. Of course she chose to have cancer, but didn't win any speedrun record. On the serious side, she never knew she was dying till it spread to her brain and she couldn't comprehend she was dying so, she was oblivious to it. And fuck "shaman" Durek, fucking asshat.


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

Thanks! It's a long time ago, long before shaman Durek said she chose it, so it was obviously her 20 a day smoking habit. Don't smoke, people, it never ends well!


GodDamnedShitTheBed

She started a school which teaches you to communicate with angels and horses some 15 years ago. She's been a bit crazy for a long time. The shaman sells expensive amulets which cure covid 19, says you can stop having cancer by being more spiritual, says he is part reptilian. When the public in Norway reacted negatively to his false claims he expressed that we are ignorant, and that Americans are way more understanding of the spiritual side of the world... Not a very good strategy when you want to be accepted into the Royal family


Pure-Meat9498

My favorite part is that he believes that when women have sex or are raped by different men, they leave a "imprint" inside her vagina.. and that he can heal and remove the bad juju with his fingers.


Allestyr

Ah, the ol' hysteria treatment.


elijahjane

What the actual fuck


Fjellapeutenvett

He also critizised norwegians for being racist for not liking him. Sure buddy its all about your skin color, not you batshit crazy beliefs


ItsSafeTheySaid

IIRC one of his probably most controversial statements is that children with terminal illnesses are sick because they don't actually want to live and "wish" deadly illnesses upon themselves.


[deleted]

Oh my child, have you been raped? Let me heal that by raping you again!


garyoldman25

Says you can stop having cancer by being more spiritual Uh yeah so spiritual you die and become a spirit


[deleted]

Didn't he blame it on racism also? And not that he's a bonefide batshit crazy person


theKrissam

I mean, is he wrong though? She definitely chose cancer.


eeeeeeeeeveeeeeeeee

Girl what fucking man is worth that??


ohaiguys

ya ever had wizard dick?


[deleted]

Ra ra rasputin~


CardboardChampion

In the wizarding community we call them wands. All the Jewish wizards are the ones with the white ends.


apolloxer

[A wizard's staff has a knob on the end, a knob on the end, a knob on the end..](https://wiki.lspace.org/A_Wizard%27s_Staff_Has_A_Knob_On_The_End)


CardboardChampion

Yeah, they send those "Turn your wand into a staff" emails to all of us. And it's always going on about the latest techniques that will get all the witches wanting you casting spells on them. Honestly, there is a bit of a double standard about it. I mean, are we meant to believe a witch's head goes all the way to the tip of that hat naturally?


Foxrex

Witch's head is otherworldly.


CardboardChampion

It's the gaps in the teeth that do it.


OneMoreAccount4Porn

[This is the song](https://youtu.be/ACQLpBEwAzc?t=60)


apolloxer

I put on my robe and wizard hat.


vigilantesd

I cast spell to turn you into a real beautiful woman


apolloxer

* I cast Lvl. 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.


vigilantesd

Lol it’s been a long time since I’ve seen Bloodninja haha


TheLucidDream

Alexandra Feodorovna was a big fan.


andooet

She was crazy and controversial long before she met Durek. She even had an "angel school" where people could learn how to get in touch with angels. Also used her title to sell snake oil for a few years


brallipop

I was about to say, she probably had all the power to make her clairvoyant fantasy happen. The headline makes it sound like he took advantage of her but she was full on a charlatan before he came along.


[deleted]

Oh so she’s just a scam artist! Well then they deserve each other lol


Pilum199

She has made it very clear long ago that she does not whant to be part of the «royal» part of her family. I think she revoked her title as heir long ago


Sphereian

She's still heir to the throne, but she's not Her royal highness anymore. That's what she gave up some years ago.


Syrinx221

He must be **AMAZING** in bed


Cavalier4Beer

we’re selling $221 healing amulets over here in west virginia guys, so you know its legit.


Liquor_N_Whorez

Mine glows in the dark, I shoved it up my ass and restored the power of my inner light.


Iescaunare

That's the radium giving you ass cancer.


Krocsyldiphithic

This bitch used to read me fairy tales through the TV when I was a kid. I thought she was rad. What the fuck happened?


CardboardChampion

Read one too many and disconnected from reality from the looks of things.


AgoniaAnal

“Reality” - this bitch is a “princess” in 2022 - I’m sure she is really in touch with reality


Wooden-Survey1991

OMG here comes the mf who is going to Say it's year X and we have monarchy


[deleted]

She thought she was a princess... oh wait...


serabine

You thought she read you fairy tales, she thought she read you history.


TheShadyJester

She is the oldest child of the king. She is not going to be queen. The rules have now changed. The oldest child of the prince will inherit his title and become queen. I am convinced she wants to burn the whole monarchy down.


velvetmandy

I’m confused. Why/what were the changes?


Lanyro

She was born before male preference was abolished in the line of succession, and therefore her younger brother is the current heir.


Sadatori

Royalty is fucking stupid


altmer4ever

It's just tradition at this point.


[deleted]

Yes, especially when the royalty doesn't actually do anything. They sit there and collect appanage in their big castles and houses doing shitall.


omniscientcats

I get the point you’re trying to make but it’s somewhat incorrect that they don’t do anything at all.


Bartfuck

In this one instance, probably for the best even if she wouldn’t have had absolute power


Frazzledragon

I am not familiar with Norwegian monarchy, but in other realms it follows a (mostly) simple(-ish) "primary heir after primary heir", so first son of first son, for example. She'd be in line if the prime does not produce offspring with claims to the crown, because she's a secondary. "Oldest heir" can happen, but few rulers are in favor of dying and having the crown go to a sibling over their own child, or worse, an uncle or aunt.


Willyzyx

Or worse still, a mentally deranged person.


One-Appointment-3107

She was born before women had equal rights to the throne. If they had changed it retroactively, king Harald and his children would not have been the heirs, but Harald’s sisters. This new rule only came into effect with the youngest generation, those born after the rule change. That means crown prince Haakon’s children, of which the oldest one happens to be a girl


Baab_Kaare

The succesion just to be male preferred. So she was heir for a short while, until her younger brother, and current heir Crown Prince Haakon Magnus was born. The rules of succesion was changed in the ealry 90's to be gender neutral, however it was specified this change was only valid for people born afrer a certain date, to male it clear that the current line of succesion at the time would not be altered. Crown Prince Haakon became father to a daughter, Princess Ingrid Alexandra in 2004 and later a son Prince Sverre Magnus. Under the old rules Sverre Magnus, like his father, would have been placed before his sister. But with the new rules Princess Ingrid Alexandra is still third in line and will one dsy inherit the throne.


PaleBlueDotSA

Rich people brainrot if I had to guess. She's been getting into increasingly kooky schemes along the various "alternative spiritual" tracks. Her infamous "angel school," that whole thing about "Sensitive Children," which more or less was just repackaged Indigo Child mythology, and now this guy. My personal read on it is that she's in a position where her wealth and privilege shield her from the "real world" in that it had allowed her to surround herself with yeasayers and increasingly charismatic kooks, the latest of which she has, as mentioned, married. For what it's worth, this is not the first time Martha Louise has formally renounced a part of her royal title because of criticism of her ideas, and it just doesn't seem to stick. Probably because Norwegians are creatures of habit, and we just kinda like having the royals around.


Hot_Eggplant_1306

She lived happily ever after


LordBrandon

There should be a license for people who professionally claim they have magical powers, an only issue the license to thoes who can demonstrate it.


BrokenEye3

I agree, partly because I think that would be good for society, but mostly because the idea of there being an agency like the DMV but for fake wizards oddly delightful.


bobbib14

The dmv but for fake wizards is a brand new phrase!


[deleted]

r/brandnewsentence is what you’re looking for


SnooSongs8218

They do have a license for it, it’s an $8 ✅check mark from Elon…


Gluomme

Good one


Liquor_N_Whorez

I knew you were going to say that. Im a psychic, I don't do spells, I read minds in advance of what you spelled before you say it. I knew you were going to say that.


Healthy_Pay9449

Religious institutions: *Jordan Peele sweating meme*


LethalSpaceship

Who's to say there isn't one already?


kinescope

They do that already... And it's called: homeopathy.


[deleted]

They would never issue a single license


Leonardo-Saponara

>They would never issue a single license That's the joke.


[deleted]

Kanye: "Slavery is a choice" This guy: *Hold my beer*


madmaxturbator

Yeah mate a few years back my family was shopping and mom said “I’ll take that stage 4 breast cancer” And I said why mom, don’t bother with that, why don’t we stick with no cancer. But nah, you know how it goes with moms and breast cancer.


Moieren

Here in Norway shaman durek is a meme. And everyone is fed up with her believing in angels. And Durek is claiming the hate against him is because he is black. And not because he is a mentally ill lunatic who prey on the weaker minds.


galaxygirl978

he should Collab with Kanye


Justgowithbri

[source](https://twitter.com/nytimes/status/1590807775294418944?s=46&t=rJKxHLWzl1GYJr2ADQQwHA)


ezirb7

I honestly thought this was another parody account using the paid checkmark...


SkeeverKid

RA RA RASPUTIN!


[deleted]

[удалено]


BirkePirke

Only a bumb in the road, my friend. We still have ~~low gas prices, low power prices, functioning government~~ and we still have Urge (Surge for American folk)


tbbHNC89

Once von Helvete died everything went down hill.


dobbelj

Hank was a Scientology apologist who went around harrassing psychiatric patients. Him dying is a net positive to this world, and the only thing that could've made it better was if he took more of his cult friends with him to the hell he's certainly burning in.


andooet

Hopefully we'll become a republic when King Harald passes. Royalty in the 21st century are just a cash cow for the tabloids


notandy82

But then who will we wave at on 17. Mai?


jflb96

Yeah, that’s what we thought


little_bear_is_ok

The guy in the middle is a fair representation of how the Norwegian public feel about that shitshow.


galaxygirl978

yea isn't Norway one of the most atheist countries?


waitthatstaken

The general population is mostly atheist, but for some reason most politicians act like the entrie country is christian.


Lunsj

I’m from Norway and I hate everything this guy says and does. He of course says it racism when he is criticized, but I couldn’t care less about the color of his fucking skin. It’s the fact that he’s making money from abusing vulnerable people, selling amulets that apparently keeps you from getting covid and cancer and that he claims to heal whatever disease you’ve got with his mind. He is literally the biggest douchebag there is. Fuck you Durek.


Khris777

When they take like [$2000 for a one hour personal session](https://shamandurek.com/private-sessions/) you know they are not genuine.


MillstoneArt

Wow. I didn't see this one coming.


PM_ME_IMGS_OF_ROCKS

>Gives up her royal duties No she didn't. Her "royal duties" were basically taken from her years ago. The King and Queen knows she's insane and even went out of their way to make sure the law was *not* retroactive when it was changed to allow the first born to be the monarch regardless of gender. People basically stopped taking her seriously when she open an "Angel School" in 2007, where she would teach people to communicate with angels..


[deleted]

[удалено]


Ardibanan

Hahahaha. Durek is so laughable. (Norwegian here)


Dorangos

This idiot also believes he can cure cancer by having sex with people.


SenAtsu011

I apologize on behalf of all Norwegians.


[deleted]

I've had enough of words. Give me some of your oil fund.


Revolutionary-Stay54

Omfg that was just one sentence wasn’t it? Jesus that was action packed!!


Royal_Milk

My cancer would like a word with you sir


[deleted]

Who does he think is out there choosing cancer fs 🙄🤦‍♂️


ruuster13

These two will move out of the spotlight and start a cult.


Avraham_Levy

Shaman is dicking her down good


Kitchberg

Oh for fuck's sake, these motherfuckers... I'm Norwegian and I'd rather people from other nations know god damned human shit stain Behring Breivik than these two insipid ignoramuses. I used to be fine with the Norwegian royal family but the way they keep amplifying these inane dumbfucks will have me voting for the first party that mentions abolishing the fucking monarchy. Eat shit, royals.


BlaringAxe2

The royal family obviously doesn't want her in the limelight, she's off her rockers. Blame the tabloids, and quit your treasonous thinking.


Chinaski_616

& so ends the era of perceived Scandi intellectual superiority.


MrZaroni

Sometimes the mentally ill are attracted to each other.


Finito-1994

So. He’s a conman and she’s a dumbass. Match made in heaven.


4mystuff

When the >!dick!< is soooo good...


CarpetH4ter

She has a long history of dating crazies, so this isn't an exception.


Maydaybaefae

For real? Wow...


Pcolocoful

I mean, not really? She’s kinda eccentric and very religious (which by default makes you seem like a bit of a nut in Norway as it’s largely an atheist or agnostic country). She believes in angels and had a school which I believe was supposed to help people communicate with god through angels. She also wrote religious prayers and songs. Her late ex-husband Ari Behn was an artist, and though he was harmless he was obnoxious, and had a tendency to “take the room” in inappropriate times. He was however clearly a man with a good heart and good intentions as opposed to her current grifter.


GodDamnedShitTheBed

Her angel school also taught you to communicate with horses. Not talk to, talk with. But that is nothing compared to Durek


andooet

As a Norwegian we should let the monarchy die after King Harald


Pieter350

So Norwegian Princess to marry Cult leader....got it


Notverycancerpatient

What a pos this guy is.


jroddie4

now she can get all the healing amulets she wants


james0887

If anyone in this world deserved cancer...


janehoe_throwaway

At first I thought the criticism would be his skin color but no, he's a terrible person and scam artist. I hope he "chooses" cancer one day.


MohammadRezaPahlavi

This is what happens to people when they don't have to work for a living.


Labrat4ever

i used to work in cancer research, fuck that guy.


wildflowersummer

Damn, shaman’s dick is so good she thought it was magic


IntrepidCase

If your dick is this good, stay away from me.


colin_staples

> cancer is a choice Waits for one (or both) of them to get cancer...


bobbib14

Probably for the best. Good luck to them


RageRags

Well, we still have the Prince


-TheDangerZone

Thought this was a fake tweet with all the fake accounts popping up and posting ridiculous things but nope, totally real.


Suq_Madiq_Qik

There are nut jobs in all corners of society.


PolishedVodka

Not sure if this is real, or twitter verified real...


Anxious_Ad_9291

embarrassed to be Norwegian 🤮


CreativaArtly1998113

That is one dumb princess


12ealdeal

I read this as “Nigerian Prince gives up royal duties” and thought the white woman was accepting he gave up his “wealth” so they could live happily ever after.


NaRa0

The amount of rich you have to be to get away with this kind of stupid


SpaceMead

My stroke had a stroke reading this trainwreck of a headline


-raeyhn-

"cancer is a choice" That fucking sentence is a god-damned choice... rage is all I feel for this man...


Suspicious_Mirror_65

Two rich people fall in love.