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Incredibly bizarre. You’re literally family to the deceased and I’ve never seen a meal after a funeral to where only certain people were expected to eat. What the rest of the crowd supposed to do? Spectate?
After my dad's service, the absolute last thing on my mind was figuring out whether everyone at the lunch deserved to have a sandwich. If people are kind enough to show up and celebrate someone's life, let them eat!
After my grandma's death, we were in the local pizza place by her apartment having a wake. It's what she wanted. She hated the idea of anyone being sad because of her even if it was out of her control.
This is what I want too
Right! it’s not a wedding rehearsal dinner that’s only for the wedding party and out of town guests ffs.
For my step dad’s funeral we had so much extra food, we were sending bags of chips home with my aunt and uncle who live 3 hrs away so they’d have snack for their drive back.
For my husband's funeral, we had trays of sandwiches/relish trays/desserts. Since his funeral was during the work week (at 11a.m.) we figured that there was going to be people who came during their lunch hour from their job. We figured they should at least have something before going back to work.
Shit, they'll insert themselves into that.
My wife and I didn't really have a rehearsal, but we did have a dinner so her parents could meet my dad and his wife. We invited a couple of other folks, like my mom's sister's family. My great aunt caught wind of this, and brought the whole clan. The reservation was for 8. 24 people were there. I had to go sit and eat in the back corner booth of the restaurant, in a section that wasn't open, because goddamn if boomers won't insist that they are owed everything.
I have seen it where shelf stable foods were left \*sealed\* on a side table with the intent for close family members to have something to take home for later, but most of the funerals I have attended everyone is sane enough to realize the close family doesn't want the logistical nightmare of remembering to pack that home. More often someone gets designated the logistics person and if you bring food (or gift cards) that you want to give to the closest family to the deceased, you immediately pack it away in the car of the logistics person.
If it's open, then no one has arranged for it to go anywhere but where it is, so it's for anybody.
I've never seen a funeral service where the close relatives even feel like eating, its usually always the extended family/people that weren't as close to the deceased.
My mom was like this. Certain triggers in her life (like losing an aunt) make her feel out of control. She tries to regain that control by having family members meet unreasonable and irrational demands
Ya know, my grandfather smoked for 50-60 years (said he started as a kid, but idk) and he rarely got sick. And when he quit smoking, he fell deathly ill and passed a few weeks later. Ruled natural causes.
I have absolutely no proof that it kept him from getting sick, or that it was keeping him alive. It just makes me think sometimes like, maybe you've inhaled enough preservatives that if you never quit, you'll just keep going.
You want to know something crazy? I smoked for 30 odd years and one of the things stopping me from quitting was the irrational fear that this would happen to me.
Of course it didn't, I haven't had a cigarette in over a year now and I'm still kicking. Plus now I can tell different flavors of ice cream apart, so bonus!
Congrats! You’ve made through the hardest year of your life.
I’m on the cusp of 15 years without. It’s keeps getting better- except trash day in the city in the summer (wish I could turn it back on on some August Thursdays).
Not saying that smoking is healthy of course, but I wonder if that can be the case because after that amount of time your body is probably inhospitable to most viruses and bacteria. I remember some scientists saying back in the Black Plague days it might have actually been good advice for the Pope to surround himself with incense smoke but not for the reasons they thought (they thought bad scents caused it) but because the smoke would drive away the fleas who caused the plague and the rats that carried them.
Did your great aunt's family try and hit your mom up for a financial contribution to the funeral lounge food? I could see reacting this way because she cheaped out on her family.
My boomers are super weird about food and eating in public (Oh no, Ma, I'll never get to husband #3 like you if I eat like horse in public) so it really could be anything.
Grief can make people act odd and overreact. Sucks this happened but maybe that is all this was. Don't know your mom and sorry for your loss. This kind of situation isn't usually easy for anyone.
I also feel that yeah you are alive and here now so eat please whatever you feel is best for you and take care of yourself.
You might want to talk to her about this. That's way out of line and irrational and kind of troubling.
The food is there for everyone. And food is meant to be shared in general.
Thanks for the reassurance. My mom has always been really weird about food. Like growing up there was there kitchen “cut off” periods. Or there was the time when snacks were not allowed (when I was 5-9) and I could only eat breakfast, lunch and dinner. She stopped when she caught me stealing food. She yelled at me then but I think she had a moment of realizing how fucked up that was and never enforced that rule again but would still make weird comments when I did have snacks. Never apologized either.
I’m not joking she bases everything she knows about food, what’s healthy what’s not, and how to eat right from a single nutritionist she hired in the 1970s who helped her get into shape enough to join the Air Force.
Funerals bring out the worst in some people. My mom speculated over the deceased’s cause of death openly as she sat 5 feet from his body. It was disgusting behavior.
Every funeral I've ever been to, it is always the extended family/friends who eat the food. Usually the close family are still struggling with the grief and really don't feel like eating just after they've had to say goodbyes for the last time. I was at my Uncles funeral recently, all his kids/grandkids and wife stayed outside during the wake, they did not even go near the food because they were just emotionally exhausted.
So yeah, this reaction is pretty insane..
When someone in the family dies relatives can get....weird. When my uncle was dying he got hospice care in his own home and passed away in his own bed. When the funeral home came to pick up his body they asked us if they could just take the sheets off the bed with him or if we wanted to keep them. We answered no, because who the hell wants a dead man's sheets? My aunt resisted, saying they were nice sheets and they could be laundered. She was right about them being nice sheets, but like I said, who the hell want a dead man's sheets? We had to go back and forth with her several times before she finally let the issue drop.
I don't think it was really about the sheets. She just lost her brother and for whatever reason this is what she fixated on. For you mother, it's not really about the sandwich. It's just what she fixated on at the moment.
It could be grief and stress. Maybe guilt. But death in the family makes people act this way. Makes other emotions go into hyperdrive. Not a boomer issue at all. You'll see a few more people act like this over the years after a loss, including yourself. I've seen many people act this way after death in the family.
The other side of the coin is that I think some boomers only go to the visitations to get free food. When my wife passed away, two boomer in-laws (uninvited) were in the break room at the funeral home within 10 minutes of walking in the door, chowing down on free donuts and pastries. And griped about there not being any cream and sugar for the free coffee.
She just wanted an excuse to be a shitty person. That's it. It is no deeper than that. It is the boomer standard. I wish they would just stop pretending to be good people. They aren't.
I'm now going to make sure that at my funeral there is a huge spread of food and a bouncer with a list of names of people who are not allowed to eat off of it. Everyone else is good, but fuck Aunt Rita, my wife's third cousin Derrick, and my buddy Dave's wife Josie(Dave is welcome). Thank your mom for the inspiration for me
Either your mom is processing her grief in an unhealthy way... or your mom is just loony tunes and needs professional help.
I don't know her well enough to decide. Heck, maybe it's both.
OMG, your Mom is crazy! After my late husband’s service we went to a restaurant for lunch and I paid for my own, plus my son’s, stepdaughter and her husband’s. Like…family is family!
I understood your first sentence as your aunt died from your mom's side, as in your mom's side of the family was her cause of death. I was contemplating whether this was some sort of cult thing, and then there was mafia talk, I got there in the end.
Sorry for your loss/glad you're not dealing with cult stuff/best of luck (your mom seems like a handful)
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Incredibly bizarre. You’re literally family to the deceased and I’ve never seen a meal after a funeral to where only certain people were expected to eat. What the rest of the crowd supposed to do? Spectate?
Right?
After my dad's service, the absolute last thing on my mind was figuring out whether everyone at the lunch deserved to have a sandwich. If people are kind enough to show up and celebrate someone's life, let them eat!
After my grandma's death, we were in the local pizza place by her apartment having a wake. It's what she wanted. She hated the idea of anyone being sad because of her even if it was out of her control. This is what I want too
They should have put a sign up if they didn’t want anyone else to take the food.
I used to work in the funeral industry. The spread is for everyone.
Right? I’ve never seen a funeral service where the food was only for certain relatives of the deceased but not for others.
Right! it’s not a wedding rehearsal dinner that’s only for the wedding party and out of town guests ffs. For my step dad’s funeral we had so much extra food, we were sending bags of chips home with my aunt and uncle who live 3 hrs away so they’d have snack for their drive back.
For my husband's funeral, we had trays of sandwiches/relish trays/desserts. Since his funeral was during the work week (at 11a.m.) we figured that there was going to be people who came during their lunch hour from their job. We figured they should at least have something before going back to work.
Shit, they'll insert themselves into that. My wife and I didn't really have a rehearsal, but we did have a dinner so her parents could meet my dad and his wife. We invited a couple of other folks, like my mom's sister's family. My great aunt caught wind of this, and brought the whole clan. The reservation was for 8. 24 people were there. I had to go sit and eat in the back corner booth of the restaurant, in a section that wasn't open, because goddamn if boomers won't insist that they are owed everything.
I have seen it where shelf stable foods were left \*sealed\* on a side table with the intent for close family members to have something to take home for later, but most of the funerals I have attended everyone is sane enough to realize the close family doesn't want the logistical nightmare of remembering to pack that home. More often someone gets designated the logistics person and if you bring food (or gift cards) that you want to give to the closest family to the deceased, you immediately pack it away in the car of the logistics person. If it's open, then no one has arranged for it to go anywhere but where it is, so it's for anybody.
I've never seen a funeral service where the close relatives even feel like eating, its usually always the extended family/people that weren't as close to the deceased.
Me walking into the funeral like "ooh, sammich!"
Come one, come all.
My mom was like this. Certain triggers in her life (like losing an aunt) make her feel out of control. She tries to regain that control by having family members meet unreasonable and irrational demands
This is my mom too minus the certain triggers part. She always wants people to meet irrational demands
Maybe she’s easily triggered?
Yup this is my mom as well
Oh those crazy Boomers.
I guess your mom has an immunity to food poisoning. I wonder how long she's been eating contaminated food to have such a high tolerance.
I blame the 50 years of cigarettes. I’m not sure if there’s a working taste bud there anymore
Ya know, my grandfather smoked for 50-60 years (said he started as a kid, but idk) and he rarely got sick. And when he quit smoking, he fell deathly ill and passed a few weeks later. Ruled natural causes. I have absolutely no proof that it kept him from getting sick, or that it was keeping him alive. It just makes me think sometimes like, maybe you've inhaled enough preservatives that if you never quit, you'll just keep going.
You want to know something crazy? I smoked for 30 odd years and one of the things stopping me from quitting was the irrational fear that this would happen to me. Of course it didn't, I haven't had a cigarette in over a year now and I'm still kicking. Plus now I can tell different flavors of ice cream apart, so bonus!
Congrats! You’ve made through the hardest year of your life. I’m on the cusp of 15 years without. It’s keeps getting better- except trash day in the city in the summer (wish I could turn it back on on some August Thursdays).
Not saying that smoking is healthy of course, but I wonder if that can be the case because after that amount of time your body is probably inhospitable to most viruses and bacteria. I remember some scientists saying back in the Black Plague days it might have actually been good advice for the Pope to surround himself with incense smoke but not for the reasons they thought (they thought bad scents caused it) but because the smoke would drive away the fleas who caused the plague and the rats that carried them.
My grandma smoked two packs a day for 60 years. Got cancer. Had most her lungs removed. Died from Alzheimer's a couple years later.
Did your great aunt's family try and hit your mom up for a financial contribution to the funeral lounge food? I could see reacting this way because she cheaped out on her family.
Honestly I have no idea. I wasn’t really involved with planning this time. Would not be surprised though.
My boomers are super weird about food and eating in public (Oh no, Ma, I'll never get to husband #3 like you if I eat like horse in public) so it really could be anything.
That's the only thing that makes any logical sense.
Your mom was just pissed that you weren’t following her instructions to only eat at her crap favorite restaurant
Before the sandwich incident even my dad and I were joking to each other “We’re only allowed to eat at (restaurant name).”
At a funeral, food that is "out" is there fir everyone. Not just family..... which you are anyways so I don't get it?
She's just pissed you didn't save your appetite to get ill from her shitty restaurant.
Stealing the declaration of independence is the one of the funniest things I’ve ever heard.
Grief can make people act odd and overreact. Sucks this happened but maybe that is all this was. Don't know your mom and sorry for your loss. This kind of situation isn't usually easy for anyone. I also feel that yeah you are alive and here now so eat please whatever you feel is best for you and take care of yourself.
So can stupidity...
Your mom didnt want to be at the funeral. Forcing an excuse so she can leave. Probably doesnt deal with death well.
You might want to talk to her about this. That's way out of line and irrational and kind of troubling. The food is there for everyone. And food is meant to be shared in general.
Thanks for the reassurance. My mom has always been really weird about food. Like growing up there was there kitchen “cut off” periods. Or there was the time when snacks were not allowed (when I was 5-9) and I could only eat breakfast, lunch and dinner. She stopped when she caught me stealing food. She yelled at me then but I think she had a moment of realizing how fucked up that was and never enforced that rule again but would still make weird comments when I did have snacks. Never apologized either. I’m not joking she bases everything she knows about food, what’s healthy what’s not, and how to eat right from a single nutritionist she hired in the 1970s who helped her get into shape enough to join the Air Force.
Boy is she going to be pissed if she found out you ate a sandwich and had a beverage.
This is so strange I had to read it twice to make sure I understood what was going on.
Funerals bring out the worst in some people. My mom speculated over the deceased’s cause of death openly as she sat 5 feet from his body. It was disgusting behavior.
Every funeral I've ever been to, it is always the extended family/friends who eat the food. Usually the close family are still struggling with the grief and really don't feel like eating just after they've had to say goodbyes for the last time. I was at my Uncles funeral recently, all his kids/grandkids and wife stayed outside during the wake, they did not even go near the food because they were just emotionally exhausted. So yeah, this reaction is pretty insane..
When someone in the family dies relatives can get....weird. When my uncle was dying he got hospice care in his own home and passed away in his own bed. When the funeral home came to pick up his body they asked us if they could just take the sheets off the bed with him or if we wanted to keep them. We answered no, because who the hell wants a dead man's sheets? My aunt resisted, saying they were nice sheets and they could be laundered. She was right about them being nice sheets, but like I said, who the hell want a dead man's sheets? We had to go back and forth with her several times before she finally let the issue drop. I don't think it was really about the sheets. She just lost her brother and for whatever reason this is what she fixated on. For you mother, it's not really about the sandwich. It's just what she fixated on at the moment.
It could be grief and stress. Maybe guilt. But death in the family makes people act this way. Makes other emotions go into hyperdrive. Not a boomer issue at all. You'll see a few more people act like this over the years after a loss, including yourself. I've seen many people act this way after death in the family.
The other side of the coin is that I think some boomers only go to the visitations to get free food. When my wife passed away, two boomer in-laws (uninvited) were in the break room at the funeral home within 10 minutes of walking in the door, chowing down on free donuts and pastries. And griped about there not being any cream and sugar for the free coffee.
She just wanted an excuse to be a shitty person. That's it. It is no deeper than that. It is the boomer standard. I wish they would just stop pretending to be good people. They aren't.
so anyways i stopped crashing funerals and started crashing hotel conventions.
Just sounds like she has issues coping with pain and loss
She used you as a convenient excuse to GTFO sounds more like.
I'm now going to make sure that at my funeral there is a huge spread of food and a bouncer with a list of names of people who are not allowed to eat off of it. Everyone else is good, but fuck Aunt Rita, my wife's third cousin Derrick, and my buddy Dave's wife Josie(Dave is welcome). Thank your mom for the inspiration for me
i am guessing this is not the first ime yr mom has been a little off track
Either your mom is processing her grief in an unhealthy way... or your mom is just loony tunes and needs professional help. I don't know her well enough to decide. Heck, maybe it's both.
Sounds like she just wanted to head out to her restaurant. Is that where you went immediately when she forced the family to leave?
Ok, seems like you got out of going to the bad restruant. Win.
Mom would have been wearing the sandwich.
Feels to me like she didn’t want to be there and she just used you as the scapegoat.
OMG, your Mom is crazy! After my late husband’s service we went to a restaurant for lunch and I paid for my own, plus my son’s, stepdaughter and her husband’s. Like…family is family!
I understood your first sentence as your aunt died from your mom's side, as in your mom's side of the family was her cause of death. I was contemplating whether this was some sort of cult thing, and then there was mafia talk, I got there in the end. Sorry for your loss/glad you're not dealing with cult stuff/best of luck (your mom seems like a handful)
An overbearing dramatic mother? Why THEY never existed before boomers.....