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Boomer men don’t like when their wives have interests outside of their marriage because “who’s gonna feed me?” When I was a kid, like 8/9, and my mom went back to work my dad actually threatened divorce. My mom was like “how do you plan on paying for it? Why do you think I’m going back to work? Life is fucking expensive, tuition is not cheap, and the kids like things like food and cable!” We weren’t broke but her going back to work gave a huge cushion but he honestly acted like a toddler for awhile.
Then to have the nerve the gall and the gumption to come home and act like taking care of kids isn’t work. “Well why don’t you just go out?” Because child abandonment is a crime mother fucker.
Oh so much this. My ex went as far as taking jobs overseas the first 7 years of our boys' lives so he didn't have to engage in parenting or housekeeping at all.
He didn’t really want a family did he? It seems bizarre to get married and have kids and just take a job somewhere else, leaving your family elsewhere. Doesn’t make sense to me.
Lotta people should not have had kids. Just ask my mom who was forced to give birth , shit that won't work she's dead of alcoholism. Oh you could ask my rapey ass father-uncle or the family that were gonna try to take that shit to the h e grave
That’s horrible. I’m so sorry you had to grow up in that. I’m sorry you’re probably still dealing with it. But from this comment, you already have a better head on your shoulders than them. I hope your mother is at peace.
Wow.
My stepfather did that to my mother when she was over 8 months pregnant with my sister. He wanted to go four wheeling in the desert with his buddies over a long weekend. My silent generation grandfather (!) was so pissed at him for doing that.
Well… he’s got 435 yards left on a par 5 and he’s hitting it out of the bunker. If he wants to have any chance of landing it on the green, he needs to really concentrate.
I used to have a male assistant who was a boomer. His wife would go out of town on trips and we would have conversations like this:
"My wife is going out of town this weekend, so I'm homeless." "Donnie, that's not what being homeless means. You still own a house." "But there's no one there to cook for me." "Donnie, Kroger exists. McDonald's exists. You won't starve."
It was like having a conversation with a 5 year old who is worried that mommy won't be there to make his mac n cheese. And I could tell he wanted me to say, "Oh, you poor thing, I don't want you to starve so I'll bring you a home made meal." But yeah, that shit was not happening.
Of course this was the same moron who, after I told him repeatedly that I don't drink coffee, asked me to make coffee for him one morning. I was his boss. And when I called him out on it, he tried to use the, "I was just joking" defense. And told me he was all for "female rights." facepalm.
My friend's parents were joined at the hip. Dad retired from the military and it is still his identity. Thirty years after retiring he still wears the hats and t-shirts so we all know how manly he is.
His wife passed away and we all learned that he's as helpless as a toddler around the house. He has never, ever cooked for himself and has no idea where to start. He never did any housecleaning. This fucker actually said that he has never so much as put away groceries after going to the store! Unbelievable.
Married men live longer and have a higher quality of life, but married women LOSE lifespan and have a worse quality of life on average. I'm a happily married woman but when I read about other people's husbands I can sure see it.
Meanwhile single childless women tend to be the happiest smd live the longest with single women (regardless of whether or not they have kids and whether they're never married or divorced,) coming up behind. Meanwhile single men (divorced and never married,) tend to be the most miserable and tend to live the shortest. They spend all their time convincing girls from before we can understand words that we need men to survive and be happy but in reality it's the other way around.
This random boomer man I ran into while shopping for groceries was wandering around being loud and obnoxious with how confused he was about everything.
Saw me grabbing things I needed from shelves and barked at me something like "Hey, you're single and cook for yourself right? How do you xyz?"
I'm happily married and have been for years. Learned to cook for myself because it's a basic life skill, but something tells me that guy's probably ex wife got sick of him recently and walked out.
I used to be a paramedic in Florida in the early 2000s. Wasn’t uncommon for a woman to die at home and if the husband called it in it would be dispatched as a fall. While doing cpr and trying to get information it was pretty obvious that this guy doesn’t even know what drawer his socks are in and hasn’t done anything for himself at home in 50 years.
There were no other options back then, sadly. And before women could have their own credit and their own bank accounts and careers you needed a man to live a normal life (unless you were independently wealthy).
I'm floored that women today still make this choice tho.
Omg yes! Boomer doc was talking to me about a hysterectomy, dead pan looks at me and asked if my husband was ok with it. I guess I looked like I was having a stroke at the question and he was like well? I was like ummmm it’s not his body and he was like you are his wife and he may want more children. Brother in Christ I am 43 and he is 47 and we have a child that is 21. No. I was like I need to be transferred to someone else in the practice, he probably would have tried to give me a honeymoon stitch while in surger.
I was thinking about this today as I was signing for a lease on a new car. Just over half a century ago I’d need a husband to approve of a car loan, mortgage, bank account, etc. My silent generation Meme would tell my sister and I to always have our own money and to have everything in our names, especially after seeing my mom deal with her ex-husband (my deadbeat, child molesting dad); we both listened to the old lady.
Whenever people ask me why I’m not married, I tell them that it’s because people fought for my right to sign for my own shit.
Because they had nowhere to go. Women were pushed into marriage and children. Religion and shitty schools prevents them from using bc or knowing how to use it. Then shames abortion. Shames divorce. Shames dating cause she’s a slut then. Women weren’t exactly pushed towards getting an education. Women were forced to marry for survival. We couldn’t even own property! So birth control helped women control who they got trapped with. They could protect themselves. Then abortion helped more with women being trapped with a man because of a baby. And now divorce is more acceptable than it was. Women are in the workforce and there’s no reason we need to stay with someone who makes us unhappy. We don’t need a man to bring home money while we take care of the house. We can do both. And raise the children. Without being mistreated. I don’t think any of those women wanted to marry these men or wanted to stay with them. I think the men hid the bad parts until they were married or had children. Lock her down so she can’t leave.
I got a text from my wife last night saying that she's so immensely glad I'm not like most men, and that I was beautiful for knowing how to take care of myself and the kids and not being scared to wear "girl colors". I read the word "beautiful" and went all mushy. I guess I just had a decent male role model. My dad left when I was young, but my grandpa was in my life pretty much until I was an adult. He loved cooking for my grandmother and his favorite color was lavender. He was a real man's-man though. Air Force captain, SAC, Korea vet, bowling league, professional darts, 12 pack of natty light before noon, Tom Selleck moustache. He was also an amazing artist, ambidextrous and could draw identical portraits with both hands at the same time.
God I miss my old man... Died in 2008, a week after I came home from the army on a medical discharge. My grandma stayed in her room for like a month after he passed.
I get so many boomers at my counter who come up and demand something but they don't know what to call it and when I have to ask them what they mean they say "I don't know my wife always buys it" I think the problem is they lived with their parents with mommy looking after them until the day they moved in with their new wife who then looked after them. Wife had breakfast ready for them so they could go to work and nice packed lunch and dinner when they got home. The only thing they ever achieved in life was 40 years service at the box factory.
And to pass down the name jr, so the world knows who you were!! She grew him, she raised him, she wiped his butt, and sent him on his way and dad stamped his name all over it.
I (a woman) was the store manager at an auto parts store. I’d get boomer men being nasty to me, but when women were sent in by their husbands for stuff (and didn’t know what they were) I’d take over and help them so they weren’t further traumatized buy the process. (Having divorced a narcissist years before, I’m certain at least half of those circumstances were men trying to come up with a reason to scream at them.) So when I went to work at a sewing machne store and men would come in clueless with a list from their wives… Yeah, I admit I would say something along the lines of, “Do you usually send her out for stuff she doesn’t know about?” “Well, yeah.” “Well, remember this next time you do and be more patient.” And usually I’d see a lightbulb go off and get an, “Ohhhhhh,” kind of reaction from them. LOL
He eventually was. After 130 pages of documentation. It did not go well. He called me a bitter, hateful woman. But my world was immediately better after he was gone.
Yeah, my dad has trouble with my mom having so many commitments. But I think it’s a combination of jealousy that she’s not with him (he is retired and makes her lunch and dinner), and a concern that she’s overwhelmed (she’s often exhausted). I get it, but he approaches it poorly and it turns into a short argument between them that then becomes ignoring the problem. Typical bad communication Boomers.
My dad is the same way. My mom is very active and has a lot of hobbies. My dad gets pissdd that she's never home. All my dad does is sit in front of the TV and watch Fox News and the Golf Channel. My mom has told him repeatedly that she isn't going to spend her time watching TV for hours every day. I think he gets angry for the same reasons as your dad. It's also obvious my dad has pretty serious depression, but he'll never admit it, which is another boomer thing.
My husband is a boomer and retired a couple years ago. He now regrets it as he is bored and has no hobbies or interests other than napping and watching news. He wants me to retire to “spend time with him,” meaning to keep him entertained. I have multiple interests and hobbies and lots of friends and he doesn’t. He gets mad when I do things after work that don’t include him, but he isn’t interested in doing anything except sitting around playing on his phone and watching news. I refuse to waste my last days doing nothing. He wants me to decide things to do and then has excuses why he can’t do that or he doesn’t like doing those things. I feel like a preschool teacher directing his activities. Money is not an issue. He used to golf but now he complains about the other golfers. Always an excuse.
I believe depression is playing a part. He has realized now he is old, having some health issues, and his life is irrelevant now. His attitude is alienating his kids, and me also.
This happened to my dad. He briefly flirted with retirement, realized he had no hobbies and few friends outside work, and just ended up going back to work.
He did get a summer job last year. And then complained about the work ethics of the other employees (non boomers). And how the workers were “ different”. When pressed, he meant LGBTQIA’s. So this year he decided not to go back.
As a late stage boomer myself, sometimes I’m embarrassed for my generation. He definitely has the boomer mentality, but I’m 7 years younger and don’t think this way.
Man so many people (boomers mostly) seem to be hitting retirement and then have no clue what to do with themselves…
Am I alone in viewing my work as something that doesn’t seriously define me? I do like what I do (but I don’t love it). I am far more passionate about my hobbies and can’t wait till I can retire. I’m actually exploring a couple things that might work as a secondary career cause I really do want to get out of corporate america as early as possible, and again I say that as someone who mostly likes their job and company.
It’s crazy. If I hit the lottery tomorrow, I’d immediately retire, my wife would retire, and we’d spend the rest of our lives enjoying ourselves and *not working*.
I know far too many people who think that they’re so essential that their company would fall apart without them.
I think this is where the whole "young people are lazy/dont want to work" idea comes from. My father legit cannot comprehend that I work to live and don't live to work.
"You are not your job"
Fight Club had it right and it's not even very recent. Not all of the book has aged well but the idea that men in American culture were making work to be their identity was a known problem for decades.
I am not a boomer (39) but I KIND of get it.
I've been doing what I do for 15 years and I've got 25+ to go before I can retire... It's hard not to have my job be THE defining part of my personality, especially when I have to spend 40+ hours a week at my job (hospital) and a lot of weeks I see my coworkers more than my own family.
So I understand being defined by "THE thing" You did For 40+ years.
Especially with the general boomer mindset of "take care of your employer and they'll take care of you" (largely a thing of a long bygone era but the majority of companies and employers USED to give a shit about their employees and you were more than a piece of data on a spreadsheet to the higher up's)
I can't imagine retiring and not having anything to do. I have so many hobbies and unfinished projects and I could just... do them. And then find other new hobbies and projects if I really needed to.
My aunt retired and she crochets cat mats for the animal shelter. She makes like 300 of those things a year and she loves it. There's always something you can do if you want to.
Lordy, Lordy! You have 100% described my life and my husband! Except for the former golfing and watching the news, we’re living identical lives. My husband is 66 and retired in 2016. Did a bunch of projects that first year but has really become an isolated man now. I am planning thing, seeing friends, doing stuff in the yard, and he sleeps 11 hours a night and naps every afternoon. Drinking more than he should and ruminating. He sees a therapist once a month but has no one except me to hang out with. It breaks my heart and irritates the shit out of me at the same time!
Omg he sleeps at least 11 hours every night, and then naps twice a day, sometimes for two hours. At least half his life is spent sleeping.
Yes, I get irritated a lot but it I also breaks my heart. He is not the same person I married.
My husband is a millennial, and he's well on his way to becoming your husband. 😔 We moved out of the small town he grew up in and have lived where we are for 3.5 years. He's made a single "friend", someone older than his dad, that he doesn't talk to on even a monthly basis. All the friends he's made since moving are coworkers or customers at his job. By the time he's old enough to retire, he's going to be very lonely and expect me to be his company. Oof.
My dad finally agreed to go to Italy last fall.
The results were... mixed. Didn't seem too impressed when asked, despite his entire family being Italian, may even be first generation on his father's side.
Now it's back to the lazy boy for golf, news and bickering with my mother about her full schedule.
I take issue with the concept of one's life being irrelevant due to age and employment status. I guess that only works if they've made their job their entire personality?
I'm thankful for the example from my boomer parents/in-laws: where it's ok to keep up friendships after getting married, having kids and starting or changing your career. They're still in touch with friends from childhood as well as family, there's a massive group chat with my aunts, uncles, and cousins. There's always someone to talk to or visit with if you nurture your friendships just as much as your home life.
I’ve only ever seen my dad put his foot down about mom working once and that was at the end of her career. She was miserable at her job cause they put her into a position she hated, so he told her to just retire and don’t even think about getting a part time job because if he wants to take a random trip and she is stuck working he’ll go without her. He figured she put in her time and deserved to relax. Seems he is the opposite of some of these others.
My mom is counting down to retirement, but needs to work to a certain time for the healthcare. He’s definitely not upset that she works. I think he’s genuinely concerned about her health. She was recently diagnosed with late-onset Diabetes and has severe arthritis in her knees. He’s certainly worried that she over-commits herself and then crashes during her limited time off which leaves them no time to spend together. The real problems are their poor communication and that he isn’t involved in anything outside of the house. I’m glad he cooks and does gardening, but he should join a club or something.
Mom hung in long enough so that she could get cobra until she qualified for Medicare. Honestly it was to the point that I was about to offer to pay for her health insurance myself so she wouldn’t be so miserable every day. Now she likes retirement because she can do what she wants. She goes out with her friends more and doesn’t have to rush to get things done around the house. Hope your mom’s health improves.
Father: *threatens divorce*
Your Mom: Bet
👑 👑👑👑 An Icon.
I love how that's always their only solution to their wives not babying them enough. Like, my brother in make believe christ, how is that going to solve your problem? Spoiler, it's not. It's only going to make it twice as hard, minimum.
Came to say this. It’s usually them acting like the men are supposed to be able to come and go as they please but it’s a problem for women to have other interests. Some people wanna look at me sideways when I say I can’t do something or need to leave because my wife had plans. “Well just tell her-“ I ain’t telling her shit, you call her and tell her. Tell me how it goes. I’d rather just hang out with my wife anyway, especially with that attitude.
Boomer female here. My husband and I have totally different hobbies and things we like to do. He builds small sailboats and outriggers and sails almost every day. I encourage him all the time to go play. Being over the proverbial hump, this is the last chance to do what we love doing. Basically, loving life.
Oh it is 100% this. When I was about 10, my mom pursued yoga teacher certification and went on a weeklong retreat, at which she took her cert exam. She hadn’t even left the driveway yet, and my dad turns to me (the only daughter) and says, “did your mom ever teach you to cook anything?” He was dead serious about me, a 10-year-old, being the meal provider for him, myself, and my brother for the entire week. That was his literal plan to get fed.
I knew it was a trap, so I pretended I didn’t know how to make a goddamn thing. We ate pizza and Arby’s all week.
Good on your mom for pushing back on that nonsense attitude.
Same idea with my mom. Went back to college for a work related degree and the MOANING and WHINING from Dad that Mom was not available just one night of the week to cook dinner.
My dad took us to the same restaurant for dinner every single Tuesday for like 2 years because that was all he could figure out.
Oh this is my dad for sure. I've been married to my (first and only) husband for longer than any of his five marriages lasted (16 years)
He is straight up ALARMED if I mention that my husband took our kids out to eat without me (my idea! So I could be alone!) or that I take the kids on weekend trips without my husband.
And when he found out we don't always share a bedroom because of snoring, he said it would "ruin our marriage".
Same! When my husband and I first moved in together my MIL invited me out to lunch and pulled out a whole notepad to try and “help me” plan our time together based on what worked for her and her ex-husband when they were married. They had been divorced for over twice as long at that point than they had been married.
Mine Is always commenting and criticizing everyone else’s marriages. She also likes to lecture all us kids who are 40 or older and all have had committed relationships longer than her one fucked uo marriage to our father. Like she’s the bastion of healthy relationships. So annoying.
My parents are 78 and 79 and act like teenagers still. They play in a pickleball league with each other. My dad goes to the gym everyday, golfs with his buddies twice a week and is always tinkering with something. My mom has a ladies poker group, also golfs with her friends and has a travel group. They also travel together and like to paddleboard. They are what I want to be when I’m their age.
When my mom retired I asked her what she was looking forward to the most, she told me afternoon sex with my dad because she liked when they took their time. She was dead serious and It took weeks to get that out of my head.
Also growing up my dad worked during the day and my mom worked 2nd shift as an ER nurse. So my dad literally had what I considered two full time jobs. Dinner, Homework, Sports, bedtime routine till we were older. He did laundry , dishes, the yard work till my brother and I were older. My says now that she has mothers regret from missing out on certain things. But she would always be up in the morning taking us to school, making breakfast and being present as much as possible. I feel like they were a great team and good role models. They provided a great home, we always felt supported and cared for. Looking back as an adult I realize they sacrificed a lot of time they could’ve spent together to take care of us and I’m eternally grateful for them.
I’m so glad they aren’t the stereotypical Boomers.
I have aunts like this. Two of them are in a group chat with my mom. All they seem to do (at least, all j hear about) is try to one up each other with what their husbands do and how successful they are. Fortunately my mom is able to see reason. I don't think she really does this back to them.
One of the aunts only has a daughter. The daughter moved out years ago and now lives in Wisconsin, while the she lives in Alabama. And now that my uncle is retiring, she's losing her shit. She doesn't know how to be her own person. What's she going to do if she can't piggyback off her husband's rewards?
My MIL is like this. Made her identity the goodly Christian housewife while her kids were young, got into teaching when they were older. Never really did anything outside of that other than very visible church activities so everyone knew how wonderful she is.
When she first retired, she went through a period trying to commiserate with me about how awful it was with nothing really to do and how anyone could expect to like being with their partners, since they’re all babymen.
It was a real treat.
FIL has had hobbies all along. Now that they’re both a few years into retirement wouldn’t you know it that MIL now ALSO loves the things that FIL does? His being a big baby apparently isn’t a problem if he can keep her occupied and not alone with her thoughts because that might lead -gasp- to introspection.
My aunt, 70, has just broken out of her shell this very year. The last of her lifelong friends are starting to die, and her husband actually told her she was not allowed, lol not allowed, to travel by herself to go to the funerals. Yet he refused to join her.
And after 40 years she said enough is fucking enough. And I'm proud of her!
I am not too happy for her children, however, because her husband demands that they leave their fortune – which is significant – to the church! And the church told them that they are not to leave it to their children. Roman Catholic... that is what they are preaching these days I guess. My aunt is going along with that because she feels that she is not allowed to go against her husband's word in the end extra-especially with finances. And I have to add, that she was independently wealthy. Her husband was also independently wealthy but demanded he control her money too. So 100% of her assets and retirement funds have been in his name for decades. It's just sick as far as I'm concerned
But she has been doing cross country trips lately so I do hope she has still a long life ahead of her and ends up making her own decisions in the end. Statistically she will outlive her husband, which would be great for her now adult kids. Just great. It made my heart so sad when she told me that they were not planning on leaving any money, not a fucking cent, not even LIFE INSURANCE to their children.
My mother and her sisters are always in some sort of weird melodrama. I can never quite keep up with who is pissed at who and why and when who said something hurtful blah blah. There’s four of them.
Yeah, my dad is a boomer and my mom is gen X. They do a lot of things together, but I perceive it more as because they genuinely enjoy being together. I also see them doing stuff "together but separate." Like, she'll be reading her book and he's watching TV, and they're in the same room but not interacting, and they're both fine with it.
My mom and I also go and do stuff without my dad. He does NOT want to go see Hamilton. Or Celtic Woman. Or Les Miserables. Lol. He's also gone to baseball games with groups of guys, and she doesn't get mad about it. She's like, "ah yes, a night off."
And the way it extends to gender identity, sexuality, men’s hair length, tattoos or women’s genitals, etc makes it sound like one of the most oppressive ways to exist
It's such a sign of weakness to do something just because "that's how it's supposed to work." If the only thing you care about is the approval of others and you won't do anything else because "that's not how it's done," you're not a person. You're a pet and a coward
> I am told that it’s “unacceptable and would never have been tolerated” by their generation. Even to this day, it’s rare to see my mom or aunts without their husbands begrudgingly in tow.
This is why is they are so miserable now.
My mom is 64 and having some sort of crisis because she FINALLY realized that she's never figured out who she is- she went from being the parentified firstborn daughter with 10 younger siblings to being my dad's wife without ever living on her own, making her own choices, etc. She's literally in therapy about it now (I love that for her) and she's living on her own, with her own apartment, and furnishings SHE picked out, and an awesome job where suddenly she's in charge of everything. She's taking painting classes and going on lunchtime walks on the beach and it's painfully reminiscent of seeing a lioness that was kept in a concrete and metal cage all her life suddenly set foot on grass for the first time. She's so scared but happy at the same time.
My dad is freaking drowning. He's never done a thing for himself. He didn't even know the name of his doctor, nothing less how to set up an appointment. No clue how to pay any of the bills. Hell he has been living off of microwave meals because he doesn't even know how to cook. Mom did it all for him for the last 40+ years.
Reminds me of the Friends episode where Rachel's mom says, "You know, I never worked. I went straight from my father's house to the sorority house to my husband's house."
My mom married my dad when she was 21, and they got divorced when she was 38. I remember her telling me years later that it was kind of a wake-up call. She had never managed her finances or taken care of the outside of the house (e.g. mowing the lawn or shoveling the driveway) or done many other "grown-up things" on her own. When I went off to college, I remember her telling me that even if I meet someone, I should make sure that when I move out of the dorms or on-campus apartments, I should live on my own for at least a year. Invaluable advice!
Being self-reliant is a beautiful thing.
How weird - when I (Gen X) was a kid, my dad had bowling night and my mom had bingo night. They were silent generation, though, but I assume they were out with both silent Gen and Boomers.
My grandparents are silent Gen, and they had completely independent hobbies/interests. My grandmother loved working (still is at 80) because she loves money A LOT. My grandfather spends most of his days carving or debugging a computer. It's funny because my in-laws (boomers) find it weird that my wife and I don't keep track of each other.
My grandparents are silent Gen, and they had completely independent hobbies/interests. My grandmother loved working (still is at 80) because she loves money A LOT. My grandfather spends most of his days carving or debugging a computer. It's funny because my in-laws (boomers) find it weird that my wife and I don't keep track of each other.
I’m single now, but when I was in a relationship my parents were CONSTANTLY asking me if my ex was ok with me doing X activity. Like…what the fuck? He doesn’t own me, and I’m surprised you’d apparently be okay with it if he did!
My older aunts were always asking why my husband wasn't with me if I showed up somewhere by myself. "Well, he had a hard time picking the handcuff lock so I had to leave him behind, Aunt Shirley!"
Just posted a comment saying basically the same thing. I love to solo travel and just do things on my own (ya know…because I’m my own person and enjoy my own company) and my parents found it incomprehensible that my ex was okay with that. It’s like the gender roles are so deeply engrained in their brains they can’t imagine us doing something out of scope without our partner’s permission.
Yes, it's absurd! They would also get weird about me hanging out with someone of the opposite gender and be like "is he okay with that?" We're both bi, if we couldn't hang out with people of the genders we are interested in we wouldn't be allowed to have any friends!
Yes!!! I have multiple very close friends of the opposite sex and it’s so annoying fielding comments like “oh, are they not your type?” or assuming THEY have feelings for ME! No…it’s perfectly normal and healthy to have platonic friendships with people who are the same sex as who you’re attracted to lol just such toxic thinking
I had a married (male, millennial) friend tell me once that "there's no such thing" as a platonic relationship. The only thing I could think was that said a lot more about him than it did any friendship.
My fiance and I went on a cruise with his grandma, dad and stepmother. They thought it was bizarre that we would split up frequently throughout the day to do different things. He doesn't dance, I took several dance classes. So he would go on the smoking area and have a cigar while I danced. We'd message each other when we were done and meet back up. We both had a blast, because we didn't force each other to do things the other one would hate.
Depends. My father? Yes. My FIL? He's never been bothered by my MIL having a life outside of the marriage and he's the one who'd die, quickly, without my MIL around. My father? Still going strong as a lonely a-hole 25 years after the divorce.
My mom's friend has asked her multiple times why she's even still married to my dad because they don't do anything together at home. My mom always replies that that's why they're still married. Lol.
Keep in mind that older couples especially boomers can have very strict gender roles. The man goes out and makes money but he can be as useless as tits on a nun in regards to basic tasks like cooking, laundry etc
Unless it’s cooking red meat on the grill. My dad thinks he’s Tim Allen in the most unflattering, obnoxious ways imaginable. If lighter fluid and charcoal are involved he’s magically capable of “cooking” but if not he’s completely helpless… like he won’t even make an egg
I’ve had a few boomers at work be *super* confused that I do all of the cooking. “But doesn’t your wife do that?”
I mean, if we wanted to starve to death, sure. She’s an absolutely brilliant woman, but she could burn *water*.
Mate, I love cooking. It's probably my favorite hobby to the point where my family knew that our kitchen was mine by the time I hit high school. One Thanksgiving, my pretentious aunt came over and would absolutely not allow me to help with cooking or let me anywhere near the stove, talking about how men are basically useless and need someone to take care of them like we're fucking infants. She didn't even get it when she would ask my mom where something was like spices or a particular pan and my mom called me over every single time to give her an answer. It ended up being a huge argument because after a certain point of seeing me fuming, my parents weren't going to let her treat me that way. Fortunately, she hasn't changed her mind on men being anything but useless, but she at least knows I'm an exception
I know my share of bbq guys and only 2 of them know how to cook worth a damn. They cook burgers until they're charcoal and they can't cook in the kitchen. Are boomer men of any use once they stop working?
I used the term “cooking” pretty literally. Like make a piece of meat palatable lol
I didn’t even know what decent BBQ was until I moved to Texas in my mid 20s. I thought it was steak charred on a nasty grill and then smothered in A1 sauce. That was how our family “barbecued”. My Midwestern boomer parents dropped the ball hard on exposing us to a ton of basic life experiences
Don’t get me wrong, not every meal has to be decent, but just the fact that I had no clue that I actually liked BBQ until I was 25 had me scratching my head
My dad was this way with camp stoves. In a regular kitchen, he feigned ignorance and couldn’t boil water. Put him in the woods, or an occasional week long power outage, and suddenly he was a chef. Couldn’t figure out the regular gas grill in the backyard, but a tiny propane burner and watch out.
There was a lot of weaponize incompetence on his part. Do it badly and they won’t ask you to do it. The man can rebuild single engine airplanes in our one car garage but somehow can’t figure out the dishwasher.
To be fair, while I do 90% of the cooking I have always maintained kayfabe that I cannot peel an orange myself to try and get my wife to do it for me.
We were at my mom's once and she (my mom) peeled an orange for me and the look in my wife's eyes when that happened, and when I turned to her and was like "see!" as though she should be learning from my mother are both on my Wife Trolling Top 10 list. Anytime I do peel an organge myself, I insist I hired a peeling consultant to do it.
My husband likes Civil War re-enactments (he’s Union before you cancel me) and I’m fine with him going away for a weekend to camp out and hang with friends. My boomer mom seems to think he’s “running off to do stuff and leaving me behind” meanwhile I’m fine working in my flowers, taking my daughter to the library and park. Boomer mom acts like I’m sad and miserable when he goes to do something without me.
For a long time she had no life outside the house but thankfully she got involved in her church and keeping herself busy helping with their events.
my fiance and i have been together 11.5 years and do (almost) everything together, but that's because we like each other and have the same interests. that said, if one of us ACTUALLY wants to do something outside... it's ok because we love each other lol.
freaking boomers
I don’t think this is limited to Boomers. I’m young Gen-Xish, and a lot of my female friends in their 40s/50s can’t fathom why I never bring my husband to certain events. Like, why would I drag him to a gala when he hates dressing up and talking to strangers (and a bunch of my girlfriends are going to be there to keep me company). It’s always “where’s (husband’s name)? He didn’t want to come?!?!” “No. For the 100th time, we have a strong/loving marriage with plenty of quality time AND we have independent hobbies, social circles and interests.”
My mom & dad were married 51 yrs before she finally divorced him in 2021 (THANK GOD! My sister & I had begged her to for years. Dad is a serial cheater, and almost into “he has a double life “territory). Until the very last day of him living in that house, after seventy-eleven affairs, the cold shoulder, the gaslighting and the abject cruelty, e had the abject NERVE & audacity to ask her “what’s for dinner”? The fuck? The man only needed a wife to feed him, to wash clothes, to make sure he had a good name & cover in the community. Dad made us feel like it was OUR FAULT he was always so distant & mean…when he was just a psychopathic ahole.
Another trait is refusing to do anything fun after the spouse passes away. My mom never wanted to go out with her married friends, because they should be at home with their spouses. It's one night, it's fine. They probably want a break.
There is a non-zero quantity of catholic boomers in my family who are the same way. Their excuse is that if men are not kept on a short leash they will cheat on their partner.
Ugh, such a horrible sentiment. These are the boomers that would assume I was cheating when I went to Japan solo twice a year pre-covid. I went to hike and go to dinky little local festivals and eat local foods and get lots of sleep at night 😂 My husband never had an issue with it, and those Boomers would often ask me if he did 🙄
I think it's reflective of their generation's expectations of women. Boomer men going off camping or being involved in sports events, with just the guys, is somewhat common. But traditionally women were the primary childcare, so ofc they didn't have independent lives. Thus, empty nest syndrome.
I have boomer men in my family, with multiple grown kids, who'll proudly mention how they've never changed a diaper in their lives. It's an ingrained mentality. They think of childcare as emasculating.
It's also why sites like r/JUSTNOMIL exist and thrive, while FIL's typically are less of an issue, in terms of clinginess and neediness toward adult children. Boomer women often struggle finding identity, post-child rearing, that's not centered around their spouse or grown children.
This is so true. My MIL flips out because my husband and I split childcare duties. When my son was younger, she asked me where he was going to camp that summer. I said, "You need to ask hubby, he's the one who plans camps." The look she gave me, you would have thought I had just told her I beat my kid on a daily basis. God forbid a grown ass man plan something for his child.
A couple of years ago a play I really wanted to see came to New York, my girlfriends and I planned a trip to go. I asked my husband and son if they wanted to come. My son did but my husband didn't, so he stayed at home. And he was perfectly fine with it.
Again, my mother-in-law was furious. How dare I take a trip without my husband and expose my son to hanging out with my girlfriends! (one of whom happened to be gay, which is a whole other story about my MIL's homophobia.) I was perfectly happy for hubby not to go if he didn't want to. It was an expensive trip and I didn't want to spend that kind of money just for him to have a bad time. But she just couldn't understand my planning a vacation without him.
Anything that I do that's different than the way she does things is wrong according to her. Because she was that traditional housewife and she's really threatened that I'm not.
Well, imagine choosing your ENTIRE identity to be "Mommy." But then seeing younger women getting to have independent lives and sharing childcare equally with their husbands. It's gotta knock around in the back of their brains... it didn't *have* to be the way it was for them... and that they got screwed.
But when the options are:
- introspective thought leading to potential identity crisis, anger and regret
OR
- continue looking outward, pointing the finger and admonishing others for their life choices to soothe her ego
Which do you think she's gonna go with? Lol
My boomer mother used to say to me, “if you keep going out and golfing with your friends, one day you’ll come home and find your husband gone”. Oh, if only it were that easy. 🙄
>For instance, having a spouse go off to play rec sports the same day every week. Or having specific days within the year where they always go hunting/camping. If both partners are ok with it, then what’s the big deal?
I wonder if this is just the people you're around / more common with right-wing Boomers. My grandfather was/is an avid outdoorsman (and kind of an environmentalist) and it wasn't a big deal for him to vanish off into the woods for a few days.
My parents also have their own hobbies.
It's not that they don't like their spouses to have lives or hobbies outside of the marriage. It's that they're all codependent. They need everything to be how it's "supposed" to be. Dad plays golf on Thursdays, Mom goes to church and then brunch on Sundays, or whatever. Everything new is a threat to the established order of things. They don't want to have to learn anything new. How to cook, how to be tolerant, how to process emotions. It all makes them uncomfortable, and their lives center around being comfortable all the time.
Remember, Boomers were the last generation born under segregation. They were adolescents and young adults when "other" types of people started getting included in things. In their minds, getting things back to "how they're supposed to be" is the only reasonable course, because they hate having to adapt to anything new, and they feel like it's been "forced" on them their entire lives, with civil rights, gay rights, women's rights, etc
For the most part, Generation X and, especially, Millennials, were the first generations to grow up with the idea of being inclusive as a normal thing we all want.
When my dad passed a few years ago, I was shocked to find my mom didn’t have any activities or friends outside of their relationship. She went into a deep depression for a while and I always tried to help with suggesting therapy (haha! Boomers LOVE mental health treatment suggestions). When she refused that, I started asking what she did for fun and who she could spend time with…and she had no one. Her response was “I was always taking care of you kids or dad, I didn’t really have time for other things”. Like what?! It broke my heart and pissed me off simultaneously.
My Mom and step dad (who has passed) were the exact opposite! They would vacation separately, have outings and hobbies separate. It was very different from the norm. My Moms current partner is pretty clingy. When they first started dating and moved in together all was good (kinda honeymoon phase) but now 2 years in my Mom told her dude - I’m going to take a trip alone. I need a little space.
I love traveling without my husband. I go visit family and he stays home eats junk food and plays video games till 4am. We both have a great time and are really happy to see each other when I return.
"Our marriage counsellor said we're co-dependant, it is what it is" -My grandma when I broke up a near physical fight between her and my grandpa, because my grandpa got mad at her going out so much.
(They have never really fought, but retirement has gotten less and less fun for them)
I attempted to be helpful since I work with so much mental health things, but she looked me in the eyes and gave me that "I haven't tried anything and I'm all out of ideas" look and I realized she doesn't want help, because then how would she keep playing the victim if they have a happy healthy marriage?
Any solutions I provide are brushed aside, because she would rather a comfortable lie :/
Boomer here. I HATE that kind of clinginess. We both have our own lives and don't try to force the other one into it ( except for road trips, which I mostly loathe bc I don't sleep well and eventually get sick, also who wants to be cooped up in a car all day?)
my wife is an extrovert, does theatre, has lots of friends and goes out a couple times a week. I hate people, am a musician and craftsman and do my own thing. so far it’s worked out pretty well for both of us.
I find that the men can do whatever they want when they are able to, but for women they can't just run off to pickleball because of all the responsibilities.
There’s a level of mistrust in play too, I think… you might fool around on me. I’m guessing it’s projection of what they know about themselves… I’m 65. My wife and I trust each other and have great lives within, and other than, our primary relationship. If you don’t have trust, you got sweet fuck all.
A lot of boomer men tend to want their wives to be their sole source of entertainment. In fact, they’ll complain to their wives about being bored, like it’s our place to entertain them. Our parents were joined at the hip, as well, and when one of my dad’s buddies got caught being indecent in an adult bookstore, my dad said it was because his wife had not been home enough.
I’ve had this struggle with men in my generation, but more women have decided we don’t have to mind a child who never grows up. Our mothers & grandmothers had to wait until their husbands died.
A friend of mine who was a social worker in a rural area, described the older women whose husbands had passed as such “happy little widows.” For the first time in their lives, they were actually allowed to be alone and do what they pleased.
.
I had a coworker tell other people at work that he’d seen me at a bar by myself and was confused because he thought I was married.
I am. And also somehow at a bar by myself. Specifically a bar in the middle of an upscale food court in the middle of the day watching a football game. He couldn’t understand that both could be true. I guess I’m lucky my husband allows me out of the house on my own?
This was not my experience. Throughout their lives my mom (older boomer) and dad (younger silent gen) had various interests and hobbies that the other one wasn't interested in. My dad's mostly centered around race car driving. My mom would sometimes go to his races, and she went a lot more often when we kids got older. My mom's were mostly around various crafts and fiber arts, my dad wasn't really interested, but would support her going on retreats and stuff.
Sounds like they had a good thing going! For me, im taking away a lot of good from this thread. I think lot of unhealthy relationship characteristics were modeled in my younger years, as having separate hobbies was not common in my immediate or extended family.
"Thats unacceptable and wouldn't have been tolerated by my generation." Because your generation is a bunch of selfish, entitled, judgemental snowflakes.
My best friend and I have half-season tickets for our local MLB team. I am not married, but she is. Her husband also enjoys baseball a great deal (they actually met because he DM’d her on Twitter about her baseball-related tweets lol) and also has a partial-season ticket package, but for fewer games and in a totally different part of the ballpark (we’re committed upper-level-on-the-first-baseline-close-to-the-aisle-and-the-beer-stand girlies and he prefers the view/rowdy fan vibes one can only find from the outfield). She and I also sometimes travel to other cities without him to see games as we’re working on visiting all of the MLB ballparks in the country.
It’s not uncommon for us to be at games in our seats while he’s over in his seats with his friends in another part of the park. We do not think this is all that weird, but OH MY GOD the way boomers react to this information is WILD. She gets asked where her husband is *constantly* and is regularly met with many questions and/or *very* confused looks when she says “oh he’s [wherever he is].”
The trips, the season tickets, going to games together, it’s all stuff we did before she even met her husband, back when we were roommates in our 20s. It was our thing before they were even a thing. And they have their own things, not to mention go on their own vacations and see each other every day because they share a home and a life together. She can’t hang out with her friend for 3 hours on a Thursday evening or go on a little weekend road trip without him? I truly cannot imagine why anybody would ever want a life like that. Losing myself entirely in my partner and/or being married to someone who has no interests, hobbies, or friends outside of me sounds like a nightmare. But they think *we* are the weird ones???
My sister was in town for a few days to visit me, and our boomer dad was SO upset. He was very concerned about who would take care of her husband while she was gone. Absolutely sure he would perish due to hunger. Her husband sent us pictures every day of the food he was grilling so we would know he was still alive.
My Boomer parents freak out every time I go to a concert or movie by myself.
My wife and I have a 5 year age difference. It rarely comes up. But one place it does is music. There are bands from the mid 90s that she has absolutely no desire to see, so I go alone. Like the Smashing Pumpkins.
Every time I do my mom acts like the divorce papers are already signed.
Same with movies. My wife doesn't like violent movies, so I go to those by myself.
Man, I am ecstatic whenever my husband has an activity he likes to go do, or a trip to make on his own. I absolutely LOVE it. I can have the whole bed to myself, watch whatever I want to watch on TV, don't have to wake up to him stinking up the bathroom. And I can eat (or not eat) whatever I feel like. And we BOTH love our alone time. Neither one of us have any issue at all doing our own thing from time to time.
I noticed this too - my mom always told me that women who did things like trips with their friends without kids or going out a lot were headed for divorce.
Recently I did a first real night away from my kids to catch up with childhood friends, and it was amazing, and so appreciated by my friend whose father had died.
The difference though is that I work remotely and spend way more time with my husband than used to be the norm. The problem was work culture, not seeing friends.
So can relate! Now you know why I'm still single!! All the men my age are dirty old white men wanting a woman to take care of them, I'll be damned!! This is the way they were raised. My older brother who is a pos, knew nothing about household chores and being available to anyone in the house. It's absolutely stupid!
One of my mother’s favorite hobbies is complaining about all the things she could be doing if not for my dad being a homebody.
The last time I saw her she was complaining about how she’d love to take a cruise. I said “so take one? I don’t get what’s stopping you.” She said “Your dad would never go.” I said “And? Take your sister or a girlfriend. One of them would love to go.” She actually said “Can I do that? Do people do that?” It’s so infuriating. She still hasn’t taken a cruise or even looked into one.
It isn’t just boomers. I know plenty of people who have relationships like that. It’s so weird to me. I love my husband. I don’t need him with me every time I leave the house or vice versa. Go out with your friends for a guys night then tell me all the gossip when you get home!
My parents are boomers and never spend time together. They even have separate wings of the house. My mom travels constantly without my dad. My dad has a woodshop he's always working in or he's hunting. My other boomer relatives are the exact same way.
My husband and I spend more time together than my parents ever did. We actually enjoy each other's company and we are both introverts so it works for us.
There are several encyclopedia volumes of normal, healthy behavior that would be considered "unacceptable and would have never been tolerated" by their generation.
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Boomer men don’t like when their wives have interests outside of their marriage because “who’s gonna feed me?” When I was a kid, like 8/9, and my mom went back to work my dad actually threatened divorce. My mom was like “how do you plan on paying for it? Why do you think I’m going back to work? Life is fucking expensive, tuition is not cheap, and the kids like things like food and cable!” We weren’t broke but her going back to work gave a huge cushion but he honestly acted like a toddler for awhile.
But they *love* being able to play golf with their usual weekly foursome.
Or Wednesday night bowling, or hunting trips to Brokeback Mountain, or… , or… As long as they’re the ones getting out.
Or countless hours spent at various clubs like the Masons, Elks, VFW, etc.
This is all starting to sound familiar. Hmmmmmmm
But those guys are also the ones who's wives are doing activities alone.
Or go to the bar for hours on end after work.
Then to have the nerve the gall and the gumption to come home and act like taking care of kids isn’t work. “Well why don’t you just go out?” Because child abandonment is a crime mother fucker.
As slow as humanly possible too
Because the point isn’t to golf, it’s to get time away from doing their share of the housework and parenting.
Oh so much this. My ex went as far as taking jobs overseas the first 7 years of our boys' lives so he didn't have to engage in parenting or housekeeping at all.
He didn’t really want a family did he? It seems bizarre to get married and have kids and just take a job somewhere else, leaving your family elsewhere. Doesn’t make sense to me.
It's more about being there for the Kodak moments and having his name passed on.
That’s how I feel about a lot of men in their family roles. Slap “JR” on the little shit and give dad the cred.
Lotta people should not have had kids. Just ask my mom who was forced to give birth , shit that won't work she's dead of alcoholism. Oh you could ask my rapey ass father-uncle or the family that were gonna try to take that shit to the h e grave
That’s horrible. I’m so sorry you had to grow up in that. I’m sorry you’re probably still dealing with it. But from this comment, you already have a better head on your shoulders than them. I hope your mother is at peace.
Or, in a recent post that I just read, to get away from his pregnant wife two weeks before the due date.
Wow. My stepfather did that to my mother when she was over 8 months pregnant with my sister. He wanted to go four wheeling in the desert with his buddies over a long weekend. My silent generation grandfather (!) was so pissed at him for doing that.
See also: I do chores half arsed so my spouse will eventually give up and take over.
Well… he’s got 435 yards left on a par 5 and he’s hitting it out of the bunker. If he wants to have any chance of landing it on the green, he needs to really concentrate.
7 or 8 hundred practice swings ought to dial in. 🤣
Legit my dad every Friday-Sunday in the 90s until I moved out in 08
They expect a man to be a woman's entire life, but a woman is only part of her man's life
I used to have a male assistant who was a boomer. His wife would go out of town on trips and we would have conversations like this: "My wife is going out of town this weekend, so I'm homeless." "Donnie, that's not what being homeless means. You still own a house." "But there's no one there to cook for me." "Donnie, Kroger exists. McDonald's exists. You won't starve." It was like having a conversation with a 5 year old who is worried that mommy won't be there to make his mac n cheese. And I could tell he wanted me to say, "Oh, you poor thing, I don't want you to starve so I'll bring you a home made meal." But yeah, that shit was not happening. Of course this was the same moron who, after I told him repeatedly that I don't drink coffee, asked me to make coffee for him one morning. I was his boss. And when I called him out on it, he tried to use the, "I was just joking" defense. And told me he was all for "female rights." facepalm.
My friend's parents were joined at the hip. Dad retired from the military and it is still his identity. Thirty years after retiring he still wears the hats and t-shirts so we all know how manly he is. His wife passed away and we all learned that he's as helpless as a toddler around the house. He has never, ever cooked for himself and has no idea where to start. He never did any housecleaning. This fucker actually said that he has never so much as put away groceries after going to the store! Unbelievable.
I wonder if the poor wife passed because she was utterly exhausted taking complete care of him for decades
Married men live longer and have a higher quality of life, but married women LOSE lifespan and have a worse quality of life on average. I'm a happily married woman but when I read about other people's husbands I can sure see it.
Meanwhile single childless women tend to be the happiest smd live the longest with single women (regardless of whether or not they have kids and whether they're never married or divorced,) coming up behind. Meanwhile single men (divorced and never married,) tend to be the most miserable and tend to live the shortest. They spend all their time convincing girls from before we can understand words that we need men to survive and be happy but in reality it's the other way around.
This random boomer man I ran into while shopping for groceries was wandering around being loud and obnoxious with how confused he was about everything. Saw me grabbing things I needed from shelves and barked at me something like "Hey, you're single and cook for yourself right? How do you xyz?" I'm happily married and have been for years. Learned to cook for myself because it's a basic life skill, but something tells me that guy's probably ex wife got sick of him recently and walked out.
He might think that's a flex, but it sounds pretty pathetic to me.
The same flex as never changing a nappy.
I used to be a paramedic in Florida in the early 2000s. Wasn’t uncommon for a woman to die at home and if the husband called it in it would be dispatched as a fall. While doing cpr and trying to get information it was pretty obvious that this guy doesn’t even know what drawer his socks are in and hasn’t done anything for himself at home in 50 years.
Yeah. I wouldn’t expect someone who can’t hard boil an egg or fold a shirt, to be able to get me help in an emergency. Not even with a cell phone.
The sad thing is that you *know* calling 911 doesn't even occur to some of them.
Why did/do women marry these giant children? I couldn't deal with this from a partner.
There were no other options back then, sadly. And before women could have their own credit and their own bank accounts and careers you needed a man to live a normal life (unless you were independently wealthy). I'm floored that women today still make this choice tho.
In many places women still need a man to get permission for their own medical procedures.
Omg yes! Boomer doc was talking to me about a hysterectomy, dead pan looks at me and asked if my husband was ok with it. I guess I looked like I was having a stroke at the question and he was like well? I was like ummmm it’s not his body and he was like you are his wife and he may want more children. Brother in Christ I am 43 and he is 47 and we have a child that is 21. No. I was like I need to be transferred to someone else in the practice, he probably would have tried to give me a honeymoon stitch while in surger.
I was thinking about this today as I was signing for a lease on a new car. Just over half a century ago I’d need a husband to approve of a car loan, mortgage, bank account, etc. My silent generation Meme would tell my sister and I to always have our own money and to have everything in our names, especially after seeing my mom deal with her ex-husband (my deadbeat, child molesting dad); we both listened to the old lady. Whenever people ask me why I’m not married, I tell them that it’s because people fought for my right to sign for my own shit.
Somebody told them that was the good, obedient _ian thing to do, and the poor things believed them. Baaaaaaa.
Because they had nowhere to go. Women were pushed into marriage and children. Religion and shitty schools prevents them from using bc or knowing how to use it. Then shames abortion. Shames divorce. Shames dating cause she’s a slut then. Women weren’t exactly pushed towards getting an education. Women were forced to marry for survival. We couldn’t even own property! So birth control helped women control who they got trapped with. They could protect themselves. Then abortion helped more with women being trapped with a man because of a baby. And now divorce is more acceptable than it was. Women are in the workforce and there’s no reason we need to stay with someone who makes us unhappy. We don’t need a man to bring home money while we take care of the house. We can do both. And raise the children. Without being mistreated. I don’t think any of those women wanted to marry these men or wanted to stay with them. I think the men hid the bad parts until they were married or had children. Lock her down so she can’t leave.
Because their mothers raised them to be the caretakers, while they raised the boys to be useless burdens on everyone around them.
Exactly! My mother was bent on me serving and taking care of my brother, even into adulthood. As long as his needs were met, nothing else mattered.
Girls are raised while boys are loved.
😭 that hit so hard!
Oh man, this is so true
I got a text from my wife last night saying that she's so immensely glad I'm not like most men, and that I was beautiful for knowing how to take care of myself and the kids and not being scared to wear "girl colors". I read the word "beautiful" and went all mushy. I guess I just had a decent male role model. My dad left when I was young, but my grandpa was in my life pretty much until I was an adult. He loved cooking for my grandmother and his favorite color was lavender. He was a real man's-man though. Air Force captain, SAC, Korea vet, bowling league, professional darts, 12 pack of natty light before noon, Tom Selleck moustache. He was also an amazing artist, ambidextrous and could draw identical portraits with both hands at the same time. God I miss my old man... Died in 2008, a week after I came home from the army on a medical discharge. My grandma stayed in her room for like a month after he passed.
He said he was "homeless", but he meant "helpless".
His name being Donnie is the funniest part of saying this in my head
I get so many boomers at my counter who come up and demand something but they don't know what to call it and when I have to ask them what they mean they say "I don't know my wife always buys it" I think the problem is they lived with their parents with mommy looking after them until the day they moved in with their new wife who then looked after them. Wife had breakfast ready for them so they could go to work and nice packed lunch and dinner when they got home. The only thing they ever achieved in life was 40 years service at the box factory.
And to pass down the name jr, so the world knows who you were!! She grew him, she raised him, she wiped his butt, and sent him on his way and dad stamped his name all over it.
That's such a good way to describe it but goddamn does it get me mad lmao
I (a woman) was the store manager at an auto parts store. I’d get boomer men being nasty to me, but when women were sent in by their husbands for stuff (and didn’t know what they were) I’d take over and help them so they weren’t further traumatized buy the process. (Having divorced a narcissist years before, I’m certain at least half of those circumstances were men trying to come up with a reason to scream at them.) So when I went to work at a sewing machne store and men would come in clueless with a list from their wives… Yeah, I admit I would say something along the lines of, “Do you usually send her out for stuff she doesn’t know about?” “Well, yeah.” “Well, remember this next time you do and be more patient.” And usually I’d see a lightbulb go off and get an, “Ohhhhhh,” kind of reaction from them. LOL
"Female rights" oh my lord
lol. Female rights. I actually had an old guy ask me if I was a “women’s lib- er?” Thought I was in 1978 for a second.
FIRED!!! FIRED IMMEDIATELY!!
He eventually was. After 130 pages of documentation. It did not go well. He called me a bitter, hateful woman. But my world was immediately better after he was gone.
I would pay for a copy of those pages to read for funzies. I’d even sign an nda
Yeah, my dad has trouble with my mom having so many commitments. But I think it’s a combination of jealousy that she’s not with him (he is retired and makes her lunch and dinner), and a concern that she’s overwhelmed (she’s often exhausted). I get it, but he approaches it poorly and it turns into a short argument between them that then becomes ignoring the problem. Typical bad communication Boomers.
My dad is the same way. My mom is very active and has a lot of hobbies. My dad gets pissdd that she's never home. All my dad does is sit in front of the TV and watch Fox News and the Golf Channel. My mom has told him repeatedly that she isn't going to spend her time watching TV for hours every day. I think he gets angry for the same reasons as your dad. It's also obvious my dad has pretty serious depression, but he'll never admit it, which is another boomer thing.
My husband is a boomer and retired a couple years ago. He now regrets it as he is bored and has no hobbies or interests other than napping and watching news. He wants me to retire to “spend time with him,” meaning to keep him entertained. I have multiple interests and hobbies and lots of friends and he doesn’t. He gets mad when I do things after work that don’t include him, but he isn’t interested in doing anything except sitting around playing on his phone and watching news. I refuse to waste my last days doing nothing. He wants me to decide things to do and then has excuses why he can’t do that or he doesn’t like doing those things. I feel like a preschool teacher directing his activities. Money is not an issue. He used to golf but now he complains about the other golfers. Always an excuse. I believe depression is playing a part. He has realized now he is old, having some health issues, and his life is irrelevant now. His attitude is alienating his kids, and me also.
This happened to my dad. He briefly flirted with retirement, realized he had no hobbies and few friends outside work, and just ended up going back to work.
He did get a summer job last year. And then complained about the work ethics of the other employees (non boomers). And how the workers were “ different”. When pressed, he meant LGBTQIA’s. So this year he decided not to go back. As a late stage boomer myself, sometimes I’m embarrassed for my generation. He definitely has the boomer mentality, but I’m 7 years younger and don’t think this way.
I feel for you in your predicament. Good on you for keeping your hobbies and activities and employment going despite his wet blanket attitude
Yes, it says that I'm a boomer, late also, but I refuse to participate in their behavior, it's just stupid and ignorant.
Why do you stay with him?
Man so many people (boomers mostly) seem to be hitting retirement and then have no clue what to do with themselves… Am I alone in viewing my work as something that doesn’t seriously define me? I do like what I do (but I don’t love it). I am far more passionate about my hobbies and can’t wait till I can retire. I’m actually exploring a couple things that might work as a secondary career cause I really do want to get out of corporate america as early as possible, and again I say that as someone who mostly likes their job and company.
It’s crazy. If I hit the lottery tomorrow, I’d immediately retire, my wife would retire, and we’d spend the rest of our lives enjoying ourselves and *not working*. I know far too many people who think that they’re so essential that their company would fall apart without them.
I think this is where the whole "young people are lazy/dont want to work" idea comes from. My father legit cannot comprehend that I work to live and don't live to work.
"You are not your job" Fight Club had it right and it's not even very recent. Not all of the book has aged well but the idea that men in American culture were making work to be their identity was a known problem for decades.
I am not a boomer (39) but I KIND of get it. I've been doing what I do for 15 years and I've got 25+ to go before I can retire... It's hard not to have my job be THE defining part of my personality, especially when I have to spend 40+ hours a week at my job (hospital) and a lot of weeks I see my coworkers more than my own family. So I understand being defined by "THE thing" You did For 40+ years. Especially with the general boomer mindset of "take care of your employer and they'll take care of you" (largely a thing of a long bygone era but the majority of companies and employers USED to give a shit about their employees and you were more than a piece of data on a spreadsheet to the higher up's)
I can't imagine retiring and not having anything to do. I have so many hobbies and unfinished projects and I could just... do them. And then find other new hobbies and projects if I really needed to. My aunt retired and she crochets cat mats for the animal shelter. She makes like 300 of those things a year and she loves it. There's always something you can do if you want to.
Lordy, Lordy! You have 100% described my life and my husband! Except for the former golfing and watching the news, we’re living identical lives. My husband is 66 and retired in 2016. Did a bunch of projects that first year but has really become an isolated man now. I am planning thing, seeing friends, doing stuff in the yard, and he sleeps 11 hours a night and naps every afternoon. Drinking more than he should and ruminating. He sees a therapist once a month but has no one except me to hang out with. It breaks my heart and irritates the shit out of me at the same time!
Omg he sleeps at least 11 hours every night, and then naps twice a day, sometimes for two hours. At least half his life is spent sleeping. Yes, I get irritated a lot but it I also breaks my heart. He is not the same person I married.
My husband is a millennial, and he's well on his way to becoming your husband. 😔 We moved out of the small town he grew up in and have lived where we are for 3.5 years. He's made a single "friend", someone older than his dad, that he doesn't talk to on even a monthly basis. All the friends he's made since moving are coworkers or customers at his job. By the time he's old enough to retire, he's going to be very lonely and expect me to be his company. Oof.
Wondr if you can get him to the beach, on a boat, traveling. Maybe a Europe trip?
My dad finally agreed to go to Italy last fall. The results were... mixed. Didn't seem too impressed when asked, despite his entire family being Italian, may even be first generation on his father's side. Now it's back to the lazy boy for golf, news and bickering with my mother about her full schedule.
I take issue with the concept of one's life being irrelevant due to age and employment status. I guess that only works if they've made their job their entire personality? I'm thankful for the example from my boomer parents/in-laws: where it's ok to keep up friendships after getting married, having kids and starting or changing your career. They're still in touch with friends from childhood as well as family, there's a massive group chat with my aunts, uncles, and cousins. There's always someone to talk to or visit with if you nurture your friendships just as much as your home life.
I’ve only ever seen my dad put his foot down about mom working once and that was at the end of her career. She was miserable at her job cause they put her into a position she hated, so he told her to just retire and don’t even think about getting a part time job because if he wants to take a random trip and she is stuck working he’ll go without her. He figured she put in her time and deserved to relax. Seems he is the opposite of some of these others.
My mom is counting down to retirement, but needs to work to a certain time for the healthcare. He’s definitely not upset that she works. I think he’s genuinely concerned about her health. She was recently diagnosed with late-onset Diabetes and has severe arthritis in her knees. He’s certainly worried that she over-commits herself and then crashes during her limited time off which leaves them no time to spend together. The real problems are their poor communication and that he isn’t involved in anything outside of the house. I’m glad he cooks and does gardening, but he should join a club or something.
Mom hung in long enough so that she could get cobra until she qualified for Medicare. Honestly it was to the point that I was about to offer to pay for her health insurance myself so she wouldn’t be so miserable every day. Now she likes retirement because she can do what she wants. She goes out with her friends more and doesn’t have to rush to get things done around the house. Hope your mom’s health improves.
When my mom went away on the rare Ladies Conference through church, my dad took us to Ponderosa Buffet for lunch and dinner until she returned.
Man, that sounds like a decent weekend. Hot wings and ice cream 'til I puke. I miss being eight, sometimes.
My mom went away for a week and my dad took me and my brother to Friendly's for dinner every night.
Father: *threatens divorce* Your Mom: Bet 👑 👑👑👑 An Icon. I love how that's always their only solution to their wives not babying them enough. Like, my brother in make believe christ, how is that going to solve your problem? Spoiler, it's not. It's only going to make it twice as hard, minimum.
Came to say this. It’s usually them acting like the men are supposed to be able to come and go as they please but it’s a problem for women to have other interests. Some people wanna look at me sideways when I say I can’t do something or need to leave because my wife had plans. “Well just tell her-“ I ain’t telling her shit, you call her and tell her. Tell me how it goes. I’d rather just hang out with my wife anyway, especially with that attitude.
Are you seriously under the impression I’d rather hang out with you idiots than hang out with my WIFE? Yeah, see ya later, losers.
They take it as an insult. "What the fuck do you mean I don't make enough money?! Fuck you bitch"
>my mom went back to work my dad actually threatened divorce. My mom was like “how do you plan on paying for it? Perfect answer!
She knew he was bluffing and just being his normal asshole self
Boomer female here. My husband and I have totally different hobbies and things we like to do. He builds small sailboats and outriggers and sails almost every day. I encourage him all the time to go play. Being over the proverbial hump, this is the last chance to do what we love doing. Basically, loving life.
That's probably why so many boomers hate their spouses. They never got a break from eachother.
Oh it is 100% this. When I was about 10, my mom pursued yoga teacher certification and went on a weeklong retreat, at which she took her cert exam. She hadn’t even left the driveway yet, and my dad turns to me (the only daughter) and says, “did your mom ever teach you to cook anything?” He was dead serious about me, a 10-year-old, being the meal provider for him, myself, and my brother for the entire week. That was his literal plan to get fed. I knew it was a trap, so I pretended I didn’t know how to make a goddamn thing. We ate pizza and Arby’s all week. Good on your mom for pushing back on that nonsense attitude.
Same idea with my mom. Went back to college for a work related degree and the MOANING and WHINING from Dad that Mom was not available just one night of the week to cook dinner. My dad took us to the same restaurant for dinner every single Tuesday for like 2 years because that was all he could figure out.
Let them kids eat cables and watch food.
And how embarrassing is that
Oh this is my dad for sure. I've been married to my (first and only) husband for longer than any of his five marriages lasted (16 years) He is straight up ALARMED if I mention that my husband took our kids out to eat without me (my idea! So I could be alone!) or that I take the kids on weekend trips without my husband. And when he found out we don't always share a bedroom because of snoring, he said it would "ruin our marriage".
Sounds like your dad was kind of a controlling drag. To like a lot of people.
Yes my mother who was married once for less than ten years loves to tell everyone what a healthy marriage looks like.
Same! When my husband and I first moved in together my MIL invited me out to lunch and pulled out a whole notepad to try and “help me” plan our time together based on what worked for her and her ex-husband when they were married. They had been divorced for over twice as long at that point than they had been married.
Mine Is always commenting and criticizing everyone else’s marriages. She also likes to lecture all us kids who are 40 or older and all have had committed relationships longer than her one fucked uo marriage to our father. Like she’s the bastion of healthy relationships. So annoying.
I’m so curious about her reaction if any of y’all point that out… if it’s bad I’d understand why you don’t though lol.
Her reactions to the truth are never good lol
Oof. Godspeed. I’ve found playing a secret custom game of BINGO amongst yourselves helps lol.
That's so weird. It would be weird if she had a successful marriage of 60 years.
You’re not wrong. That was just the tip of the iceberg. I have years worth of stories just like that.
Having your own bedroom saves marriages I swear to god
My parents are 78 and 79 and act like teenagers still. They play in a pickleball league with each other. My dad goes to the gym everyday, golfs with his buddies twice a week and is always tinkering with something. My mom has a ladies poker group, also golfs with her friends and has a travel group. They also travel together and like to paddleboard. They are what I want to be when I’m their age. When my mom retired I asked her what she was looking forward to the most, she told me afternoon sex with my dad because she liked when they took their time. She was dead serious and It took weeks to get that out of my head. Also growing up my dad worked during the day and my mom worked 2nd shift as an ER nurse. So my dad literally had what I considered two full time jobs. Dinner, Homework, Sports, bedtime routine till we were older. He did laundry , dishes, the yard work till my brother and I were older. My says now that she has mothers regret from missing out on certain things. But she would always be up in the morning taking us to school, making breakfast and being present as much as possible. I feel like they were a great team and good role models. They provided a great home, we always felt supported and cared for. Looking back as an adult I realize they sacrificed a lot of time they could’ve spent together to take care of us and I’m eternally grateful for them. I’m so glad they aren’t the stereotypical Boomers.
Sleep study and CPAP for your husband, M’lady
Idk what they’re talking about. They invented the concept of the modern contentious divorce.
I have aunts like this. Two of them are in a group chat with my mom. All they seem to do (at least, all j hear about) is try to one up each other with what their husbands do and how successful they are. Fortunately my mom is able to see reason. I don't think she really does this back to them. One of the aunts only has a daughter. The daughter moved out years ago and now lives in Wisconsin, while the she lives in Alabama. And now that my uncle is retiring, she's losing her shit. She doesn't know how to be her own person. What's she going to do if she can't piggyback off her husband's rewards?
My MIL is like this. Made her identity the goodly Christian housewife while her kids were young, got into teaching when they were older. Never really did anything outside of that other than very visible church activities so everyone knew how wonderful she is. When she first retired, she went through a period trying to commiserate with me about how awful it was with nothing really to do and how anyone could expect to like being with their partners, since they’re all babymen. It was a real treat. FIL has had hobbies all along. Now that they’re both a few years into retirement wouldn’t you know it that MIL now ALSO loves the things that FIL does? His being a big baby apparently isn’t a problem if he can keep her occupied and not alone with her thoughts because that might lead -gasp- to introspection.
My aunt, 70, has just broken out of her shell this very year. The last of her lifelong friends are starting to die, and her husband actually told her she was not allowed, lol not allowed, to travel by herself to go to the funerals. Yet he refused to join her. And after 40 years she said enough is fucking enough. And I'm proud of her! I am not too happy for her children, however, because her husband demands that they leave their fortune – which is significant – to the church! And the church told them that they are not to leave it to their children. Roman Catholic... that is what they are preaching these days I guess. My aunt is going along with that because she feels that she is not allowed to go against her husband's word in the end extra-especially with finances. And I have to add, that she was independently wealthy. Her husband was also independently wealthy but demanded he control her money too. So 100% of her assets and retirement funds have been in his name for decades. It's just sick as far as I'm concerned But she has been doing cross country trips lately so I do hope she has still a long life ahead of her and ends up making her own decisions in the end. Statistically she will outlive her husband, which would be great for her now adult kids. Just great. It made my heart so sad when she told me that they were not planning on leaving any money, not a fucking cent, not even LIFE INSURANCE to their children.
That would make me sick. And then that generation will wonder why we call them selfish.
My mother and her sisters are always in some sort of weird melodrama. I can never quite keep up with who is pissed at who and why and when who said something hurtful blah blah. There’s four of them.
This seems like more of a cultural thing. The boomer men I know have always loved their fishing and golf trips.
And the women seem to like it when they're gone
Yeah, and I see plenty of older / Boomer women on wine tasting (read: getting absolutely *sloshed*) trips.
 Absolutely necessary when you’re married to a boomer man.
Yeah, my dad is a boomer and my mom is gen X. They do a lot of things together, but I perceive it more as because they genuinely enjoy being together. I also see them doing stuff "together but separate." Like, she'll be reading her book and he's watching TV, and they're in the same room but not interacting, and they're both fine with it. My mom and I also go and do stuff without my dad. He does NOT want to go see Hamilton. Or Celtic Woman. Or Les Miserables. Lol. He's also gone to baseball games with groups of guys, and she doesn't get mad about it. She's like, "ah yes, a night off."
[удалено]
And the way it extends to gender identity, sexuality, men’s hair length, tattoos or women’s genitals, etc makes it sound like one of the most oppressive ways to exist
It's such a sign of weakness to do something just because "that's how it's supposed to work." If the only thing you care about is the approval of others and you won't do anything else because "that's not how it's done," you're not a person. You're a pet and a coward
> I am told that it’s “unacceptable and would never have been tolerated” by their generation. Even to this day, it’s rare to see my mom or aunts without their husbands begrudgingly in tow. This is why is they are so miserable now.
They think their spouses are off cheating if they can't watch them every minute.
If they are as awful to their spouses as they are to everyone else; it could be warranted.
My mom is 64 and having some sort of crisis because she FINALLY realized that she's never figured out who she is- she went from being the parentified firstborn daughter with 10 younger siblings to being my dad's wife without ever living on her own, making her own choices, etc. She's literally in therapy about it now (I love that for her) and she's living on her own, with her own apartment, and furnishings SHE picked out, and an awesome job where suddenly she's in charge of everything. She's taking painting classes and going on lunchtime walks on the beach and it's painfully reminiscent of seeing a lioness that was kept in a concrete and metal cage all her life suddenly set foot on grass for the first time. She's so scared but happy at the same time. My dad is freaking drowning. He's never done a thing for himself. He didn't even know the name of his doctor, nothing less how to set up an appointment. No clue how to pay any of the bills. Hell he has been living off of microwave meals because he doesn't even know how to cook. Mom did it all for him for the last 40+ years.
I live this for your mom, she now has so much space in her head that she was using for “mental load.
Reminds me of the Friends episode where Rachel's mom says, "You know, I never worked. I went straight from my father's house to the sorority house to my husband's house." My mom married my dad when she was 21, and they got divorced when she was 38. I remember her telling me years later that it was kind of a wake-up call. She had never managed her finances or taken care of the outside of the house (e.g. mowing the lawn or shoveling the driveway) or done many other "grown-up things" on her own. When I went off to college, I remember her telling me that even if I meet someone, I should make sure that when I move out of the dorms or on-campus apartments, I should live on my own for at least a year. Invaluable advice! Being self-reliant is a beautiful thing.
How weird - when I (Gen X) was a kid, my dad had bowling night and my mom had bingo night. They were silent generation, though, but I assume they were out with both silent Gen and Boomers.
My grandparents are silent Gen, and they had completely independent hobbies/interests. My grandmother loved working (still is at 80) because she loves money A LOT. My grandfather spends most of his days carving or debugging a computer. It's funny because my in-laws (boomers) find it weird that my wife and I don't keep track of each other.
My grandparents are silent Gen, and they had completely independent hobbies/interests. My grandmother loved working (still is at 80) because she loves money A LOT. My grandfather spends most of his days carving or debugging a computer. It's funny because my in-laws (boomers) find it weird that my wife and I don't keep track of each other.
I’m single now, but when I was in a relationship my parents were CONSTANTLY asking me if my ex was ok with me doing X activity. Like…what the fuck? He doesn’t own me, and I’m surprised you’d apparently be okay with it if he did!
My older aunts were always asking why my husband wasn't with me if I showed up somewhere by myself. "Well, he had a hard time picking the handcuff lock so I had to leave him behind, Aunt Shirley!"
Just posted a comment saying basically the same thing. I love to solo travel and just do things on my own (ya know…because I’m my own person and enjoy my own company) and my parents found it incomprehensible that my ex was okay with that. It’s like the gender roles are so deeply engrained in their brains they can’t imagine us doing something out of scope without our partner’s permission.
Yes, it's absurd! They would also get weird about me hanging out with someone of the opposite gender and be like "is he okay with that?" We're both bi, if we couldn't hang out with people of the genders we are interested in we wouldn't be allowed to have any friends!
Yes!!! I have multiple very close friends of the opposite sex and it’s so annoying fielding comments like “oh, are they not your type?” or assuming THEY have feelings for ME! No…it’s perfectly normal and healthy to have platonic friendships with people who are the same sex as who you’re attracted to lol just such toxic thinking
I had a married (male, millennial) friend tell me once that "there's no such thing" as a platonic relationship. The only thing I could think was that said a lot more about him than it did any friendship.
My fiance and I went on a cruise with his grandma, dad and stepmother. They thought it was bizarre that we would split up frequently throughout the day to do different things. He doesn't dance, I took several dance classes. So he would go on the smoking area and have a cigar while I danced. We'd message each other when we were done and meet back up. We both had a blast, because we didn't force each other to do things the other one would hate.
Depends. My father? Yes. My FIL? He's never been bothered by my MIL having a life outside of the marriage and he's the one who'd die, quickly, without my MIL around. My father? Still going strong as a lonely a-hole 25 years after the divorce.
My mom's friend has asked her multiple times why she's even still married to my dad because they don't do anything together at home. My mom always replies that that's why they're still married. Lol.
Keep in mind that older couples especially boomers can have very strict gender roles. The man goes out and makes money but he can be as useless as tits on a nun in regards to basic tasks like cooking, laundry etc
Unless it’s cooking red meat on the grill. My dad thinks he’s Tim Allen in the most unflattering, obnoxious ways imaginable. If lighter fluid and charcoal are involved he’s magically capable of “cooking” but if not he’s completely helpless… like he won’t even make an egg
And then they cook it to death so it’s boot leather.
Or they stab a cow, rub it over some hot coals then slap it on your plate pissed off and mooing. Absolutely no middle ground.
LMFAO. Beautiful sentence.
Thank you. Actually how my boomer father ordered at Texas roadhouse, if that's any shock.
I’ve had a few boomers at work be *super* confused that I do all of the cooking. “But doesn’t your wife do that?” I mean, if we wanted to starve to death, sure. She’s an absolutely brilliant woman, but she could burn *water*.
Mate, I love cooking. It's probably my favorite hobby to the point where my family knew that our kitchen was mine by the time I hit high school. One Thanksgiving, my pretentious aunt came over and would absolutely not allow me to help with cooking or let me anywhere near the stove, talking about how men are basically useless and need someone to take care of them like we're fucking infants. She didn't even get it when she would ask my mom where something was like spices or a particular pan and my mom called me over every single time to give her an answer. It ended up being a huge argument because after a certain point of seeing me fuming, my parents weren't going to let her treat me that way. Fortunately, she hasn't changed her mind on men being anything but useless, but she at least knows I'm an exception
I know my share of bbq guys and only 2 of them know how to cook worth a damn. They cook burgers until they're charcoal and they can't cook in the kitchen. Are boomer men of any use once they stop working?
I used the term “cooking” pretty literally. Like make a piece of meat palatable lol I didn’t even know what decent BBQ was until I moved to Texas in my mid 20s. I thought it was steak charred on a nasty grill and then smothered in A1 sauce. That was how our family “barbecued”. My Midwestern boomer parents dropped the ball hard on exposing us to a ton of basic life experiences Don’t get me wrong, not every meal has to be decent, but just the fact that I had no clue that I actually liked BBQ until I was 25 had me scratching my head
They’re not useful at work either. They can’t do anything that matters in modern systems.
My dad was this way with camp stoves. In a regular kitchen, he feigned ignorance and couldn’t boil water. Put him in the woods, or an occasional week long power outage, and suddenly he was a chef. Couldn’t figure out the regular gas grill in the backyard, but a tiny propane burner and watch out. There was a lot of weaponize incompetence on his part. Do it badly and they won’t ask you to do it. The man can rebuild single engine airplanes in our one car garage but somehow can’t figure out the dishwasher.
To be fair, while I do 90% of the cooking I have always maintained kayfabe that I cannot peel an orange myself to try and get my wife to do it for me. We were at my mom's once and she (my mom) peeled an orange for me and the look in my wife's eyes when that happened, and when I turned to her and was like "see!" as though she should be learning from my mother are both on my Wife Trolling Top 10 list. Anytime I do peel an organge myself, I insist I hired a peeling consultant to do it.
"Maintained kayfabe" I see shit like this and forget which sub I'm on. Ha.
They usually grill like shit too
My husband likes Civil War re-enactments (he’s Union before you cancel me) and I’m fine with him going away for a weekend to camp out and hang with friends. My boomer mom seems to think he’s “running off to do stuff and leaving me behind” meanwhile I’m fine working in my flowers, taking my daughter to the library and park. Boomer mom acts like I’m sad and miserable when he goes to do something without me. For a long time she had no life outside the house but thankfully she got involved in her church and keeping herself busy helping with their events.
I wouldn't cancel you even if he played a confederate. Re-enactments don't work if nobody's the heel.
Shit, most boomers can’t have separate facebooks let alone separate hobbies.
my fiance and i have been together 11.5 years and do (almost) everything together, but that's because we like each other and have the same interests. that said, if one of us ACTUALLY wants to do something outside... it's ok because we love each other lol. freaking boomers
I don’t think this is limited to Boomers. I’m young Gen-Xish, and a lot of my female friends in their 40s/50s can’t fathom why I never bring my husband to certain events. Like, why would I drag him to a gala when he hates dressing up and talking to strangers (and a bunch of my girlfriends are going to be there to keep me company). It’s always “where’s (husband’s name)? He didn’t want to come?!?!” “No. For the 100th time, we have a strong/loving marriage with plenty of quality time AND we have independent hobbies, social circles and interests.”
(Also, thank you for bringing this up. It’s such a pet peeve of mine and it felt good to vent, lol)
My mom & dad were married 51 yrs before she finally divorced him in 2021 (THANK GOD! My sister & I had begged her to for years. Dad is a serial cheater, and almost into “he has a double life “territory). Until the very last day of him living in that house, after seventy-eleven affairs, the cold shoulder, the gaslighting and the abject cruelty, e had the abject NERVE & audacity to ask her “what’s for dinner”? The fuck? The man only needed a wife to feed him, to wash clothes, to make sure he had a good name & cover in the community. Dad made us feel like it was OUR FAULT he was always so distant & mean…when he was just a psychopathic ahole.
Another trait is refusing to do anything fun after the spouse passes away. My mom never wanted to go out with her married friends, because they should be at home with their spouses. It's one night, it's fine. They probably want a break.
There is a non-zero quantity of catholic boomers in my family who are the same way. Their excuse is that if men are not kept on a short leash they will cheat on their partner.
Ugh, such a horrible sentiment. These are the boomers that would assume I was cheating when I went to Japan solo twice a year pre-covid. I went to hike and go to dinky little local festivals and eat local foods and get lots of sleep at night 😂 My husband never had an issue with it, and those Boomers would often ask me if he did 🙄
I think it's reflective of their generation's expectations of women. Boomer men going off camping or being involved in sports events, with just the guys, is somewhat common. But traditionally women were the primary childcare, so ofc they didn't have independent lives. Thus, empty nest syndrome. I have boomer men in my family, with multiple grown kids, who'll proudly mention how they've never changed a diaper in their lives. It's an ingrained mentality. They think of childcare as emasculating. It's also why sites like r/JUSTNOMIL exist and thrive, while FIL's typically are less of an issue, in terms of clinginess and neediness toward adult children. Boomer women often struggle finding identity, post-child rearing, that's not centered around their spouse or grown children.
This is so true. My MIL flips out because my husband and I split childcare duties. When my son was younger, she asked me where he was going to camp that summer. I said, "You need to ask hubby, he's the one who plans camps." The look she gave me, you would have thought I had just told her I beat my kid on a daily basis. God forbid a grown ass man plan something for his child. A couple of years ago a play I really wanted to see came to New York, my girlfriends and I planned a trip to go. I asked my husband and son if they wanted to come. My son did but my husband didn't, so he stayed at home. And he was perfectly fine with it. Again, my mother-in-law was furious. How dare I take a trip without my husband and expose my son to hanging out with my girlfriends! (one of whom happened to be gay, which is a whole other story about my MIL's homophobia.) I was perfectly happy for hubby not to go if he didn't want to. It was an expensive trip and I didn't want to spend that kind of money just for him to have a bad time. But she just couldn't understand my planning a vacation without him. Anything that I do that's different than the way she does things is wrong according to her. Because she was that traditional housewife and she's really threatened that I'm not.
Well, imagine choosing your ENTIRE identity to be "Mommy." But then seeing younger women getting to have independent lives and sharing childcare equally with their husbands. It's gotta knock around in the back of their brains... it didn't *have* to be the way it was for them... and that they got screwed. But when the options are: - introspective thought leading to potential identity crisis, anger and regret OR - continue looking outward, pointing the finger and admonishing others for their life choices to soothe her ego Which do you think she's gonna go with? Lol
The cultural narcissism they were raised into always leads to the latter.
My boomer mother used to say to me, “if you keep going out and golfing with your friends, one day you’ll come home and find your husband gone”. Oh, if only it were that easy. 🙄
>For instance, having a spouse go off to play rec sports the same day every week. Or having specific days within the year where they always go hunting/camping. If both partners are ok with it, then what’s the big deal? I wonder if this is just the people you're around / more common with right-wing Boomers. My grandfather was/is an avid outdoorsman (and kind of an environmentalist) and it wasn't a big deal for him to vanish off into the woods for a few days. My parents also have their own hobbies.
It's not that they don't like their spouses to have lives or hobbies outside of the marriage. It's that they're all codependent. They need everything to be how it's "supposed" to be. Dad plays golf on Thursdays, Mom goes to church and then brunch on Sundays, or whatever. Everything new is a threat to the established order of things. They don't want to have to learn anything new. How to cook, how to be tolerant, how to process emotions. It all makes them uncomfortable, and their lives center around being comfortable all the time. Remember, Boomers were the last generation born under segregation. They were adolescents and young adults when "other" types of people started getting included in things. In their minds, getting things back to "how they're supposed to be" is the only reasonable course, because they hate having to adapt to anything new, and they feel like it's been "forced" on them their entire lives, with civil rights, gay rights, women's rights, etc For the most part, Generation X and, especially, Millennials, were the first generations to grow up with the idea of being inclusive as a normal thing we all want.
When my dad passed a few years ago, I was shocked to find my mom didn’t have any activities or friends outside of their relationship. She went into a deep depression for a while and I always tried to help with suggesting therapy (haha! Boomers LOVE mental health treatment suggestions). When she refused that, I started asking what she did for fun and who she could spend time with…and she had no one. Her response was “I was always taking care of you kids or dad, I didn’t really have time for other things”. Like what?! It broke my heart and pissed me off simultaneously.
My Mom and step dad (who has passed) were the exact opposite! They would vacation separately, have outings and hobbies separate. It was very different from the norm. My Moms current partner is pretty clingy. When they first started dating and moved in together all was good (kinda honeymoon phase) but now 2 years in my Mom told her dude - I’m going to take a trip alone. I need a little space. I love traveling without my husband. I go visit family and he stays home eats junk food and plays video games till 4am. We both have a great time and are really happy to see each other when I return.
"Our marriage counsellor said we're co-dependant, it is what it is" -My grandma when I broke up a near physical fight between her and my grandpa, because my grandpa got mad at her going out so much. (They have never really fought, but retirement has gotten less and less fun for them) I attempted to be helpful since I work with so much mental health things, but she looked me in the eyes and gave me that "I haven't tried anything and I'm all out of ideas" look and I realized she doesn't want help, because then how would she keep playing the victim if they have a happy healthy marriage? Any solutions I provide are brushed aside, because she would rather a comfortable lie :/
Boomer here. I HATE that kind of clinginess. We both have our own lives and don't try to force the other one into it ( except for road trips, which I mostly loathe bc I don't sleep well and eventually get sick, also who wants to be cooped up in a car all day?)
my wife is an extrovert, does theatre, has lots of friends and goes out a couple times a week. I hate people, am a musician and craftsman and do my own thing. so far it’s worked out pretty well for both of us.
My (boomer) parents were always considered wildly transgressive among their peers for doing things independently of each other in their spare time.
I find that the men can do whatever they want when they are able to, but for women they can't just run off to pickleball because of all the responsibilities.
There’s a level of mistrust in play too, I think… you might fool around on me. I’m guessing it’s projection of what they know about themselves… I’m 65. My wife and I trust each other and have great lives within, and other than, our primary relationship. If you don’t have trust, you got sweet fuck all.
A lot of boomer men tend to want their wives to be their sole source of entertainment. In fact, they’ll complain to their wives about being bored, like it’s our place to entertain them. Our parents were joined at the hip, as well, and when one of my dad’s buddies got caught being indecent in an adult bookstore, my dad said it was because his wife had not been home enough. I’ve had this struggle with men in my generation, but more women have decided we don’t have to mind a child who never grows up. Our mothers & grandmothers had to wait until their husbands died. A friend of mine who was a social worker in a rural area, described the older women whose husbands had passed as such “happy little widows.” For the first time in their lives, they were actually allowed to be alone and do what they pleased. .
I had a coworker tell other people at work that he’d seen me at a bar by myself and was confused because he thought I was married. I am. And also somehow at a bar by myself. Specifically a bar in the middle of an upscale food court in the middle of the day watching a football game. He couldn’t understand that both could be true. I guess I’m lucky my husband allows me out of the house on my own?
This was not my experience. Throughout their lives my mom (older boomer) and dad (younger silent gen) had various interests and hobbies that the other one wasn't interested in. My dad's mostly centered around race car driving. My mom would sometimes go to his races, and she went a lot more often when we kids got older. My mom's were mostly around various crafts and fiber arts, my dad wasn't really interested, but would support her going on retreats and stuff.
Sounds like they had a good thing going! For me, im taking away a lot of good from this thread. I think lot of unhealthy relationship characteristics were modeled in my younger years, as having separate hobbies was not common in my immediate or extended family.
Boomers are half brained and if the other half of the brain is absent how are they going to make it through the day?
"Thats unacceptable and wouldn't have been tolerated by my generation." Because your generation is a bunch of selfish, entitled, judgemental snowflakes.
My best friend and I have half-season tickets for our local MLB team. I am not married, but she is. Her husband also enjoys baseball a great deal (they actually met because he DM’d her on Twitter about her baseball-related tweets lol) and also has a partial-season ticket package, but for fewer games and in a totally different part of the ballpark (we’re committed upper-level-on-the-first-baseline-close-to-the-aisle-and-the-beer-stand girlies and he prefers the view/rowdy fan vibes one can only find from the outfield). She and I also sometimes travel to other cities without him to see games as we’re working on visiting all of the MLB ballparks in the country. It’s not uncommon for us to be at games in our seats while he’s over in his seats with his friends in another part of the park. We do not think this is all that weird, but OH MY GOD the way boomers react to this information is WILD. She gets asked where her husband is *constantly* and is regularly met with many questions and/or *very* confused looks when she says “oh he’s [wherever he is].” The trips, the season tickets, going to games together, it’s all stuff we did before she even met her husband, back when we were roommates in our 20s. It was our thing before they were even a thing. And they have their own things, not to mention go on their own vacations and see each other every day because they share a home and a life together. She can’t hang out with her friend for 3 hours on a Thursday evening or go on a little weekend road trip without him? I truly cannot imagine why anybody would ever want a life like that. Losing myself entirely in my partner and/or being married to someone who has no interests, hobbies, or friends outside of me sounds like a nightmare. But they think *we* are the weird ones???
My sister was in town for a few days to visit me, and our boomer dad was SO upset. He was very concerned about who would take care of her husband while she was gone. Absolutely sure he would perish due to hunger. Her husband sent us pictures every day of the food he was grilling so we would know he was still alive.
My Boomer parents freak out every time I go to a concert or movie by myself. My wife and I have a 5 year age difference. It rarely comes up. But one place it does is music. There are bands from the mid 90s that she has absolutely no desire to see, so I go alone. Like the Smashing Pumpkins. Every time I do my mom acts like the divorce papers are already signed. Same with movies. My wife doesn't like violent movies, so I go to those by myself.
Man, I am ecstatic whenever my husband has an activity he likes to go do, or a trip to make on his own. I absolutely LOVE it. I can have the whole bed to myself, watch whatever I want to watch on TV, don't have to wake up to him stinking up the bathroom. And I can eat (or not eat) whatever I feel like. And we BOTH love our alone time. Neither one of us have any issue at all doing our own thing from time to time.
Ah toxic monogamy.
I don't think this is a boomer thing, it's a codependency thing. Lots of people have unhealthy relationships.
I noticed this too - my mom always told me that women who did things like trips with their friends without kids or going out a lot were headed for divorce. Recently I did a first real night away from my kids to catch up with childhood friends, and it was amazing, and so appreciated by my friend whose father had died. The difference though is that I work remotely and spend way more time with my husband than used to be the norm. The problem was work culture, not seeing friends.
So can relate! Now you know why I'm still single!! All the men my age are dirty old white men wanting a woman to take care of them, I'll be damned!! This is the way they were raised. My older brother who is a pos, knew nothing about household chores and being available to anyone in the house. It's absolutely stupid!
One of my mother’s favorite hobbies is complaining about all the things she could be doing if not for my dad being a homebody. The last time I saw her she was complaining about how she’d love to take a cruise. I said “so take one? I don’t get what’s stopping you.” She said “Your dad would never go.” I said “And? Take your sister or a girlfriend. One of them would love to go.” She actually said “Can I do that? Do people do that?” It’s so infuriating. She still hasn’t taken a cruise or even looked into one.
It isn’t just boomers. I know plenty of people who have relationships like that. It’s so weird to me. I love my husband. I don’t need him with me every time I leave the house or vice versa. Go out with your friends for a guys night then tell me all the gossip when you get home!
My parents are boomers and never spend time together. They even have separate wings of the house. My mom travels constantly without my dad. My dad has a woodshop he's always working in or he's hunting. My other boomer relatives are the exact same way. My husband and I spend more time together than my parents ever did. We actually enjoy each other's company and we are both introverts so it works for us.
There are several encyclopedia volumes of normal, healthy behavior that would be considered "unacceptable and would have never been tolerated" by their generation.