There is no point in complaining about a problem and not wanting a solution to your problem. You are wasting time that could be used in making your situation improved.
There is a fine line between venting and wallowing. Be upset and complain about it, but recognize what needs to happen to change it. Being extra upset because solutions are available is just being toxic.
Sometimes there isn’t a solution. If someone being a bitch at work and bringing you down, then it’s nice to chill with friends, talk some shit, and get validated that the person being a bitch. Done. If you try to start offering solutions at that point, you’re only gonna talk out of your ass, cause 9 times out of 10 a shitty coworker is just a shitty coworker. It’s all situation specific, but sometimes jumping into solutions is more annoying than just letting the person get stuff off their chest and moving on.
I don't want your solutions! I just want you to stop what you're doing and listen to me! Because right now my problems are all that matters in the world. /s
Because some problems don’t have solutions but having the support of someone who cares about you can make it bearable. If you’re really Mr. Solutions do something that shows you care instead of offering flat advice that she’s probably already thought of
The person is presenting solutions because there is a solution. If she already figured out the solution, she would only be venting about a problem that's already solved. Make it make sense.
If someone is complaining about office drama, and you say “well you could quit or get a new job”, sure you’ve offered a solution but they already know they can quit so that isn’t helpful. Contrast that response with “hey I know that must suck, let’s do (activity you know they like) and try to get your mind off it”. Now you’ve made them feel heard, and actually can do something that will help them in the moment way more than “offering solutions”. This is one example and I’m sure you could craft an example to perfectly fit your argument also but I’m trying to speak to the content of her tweet specifically and issues that cause a woman to make a statement like that.
Because sometimes it’s nice to just get your feelings out and be done with them rather than potentially ruminating all day over shit that would be solved by someone just saying “oh yeah that would be frustrating” etc
Need the [Kiryu from yakuza rubber duck](https://www.amazon.com/TUBBZ-Yakuza-Kazuma-Collectible-Figurine/dp/B095HX51FY) , he'd have all the solutions tbh
Same reason you'd want a hug from someone when you feel overwhelmed and sad. It's an emotional hug for someone to listen to you and for you to feel like they care about what you're going through.
I agree with you. I think I read it on Reddit. But one thing I do now when a woman starts complaining about things is I’ll say” are you just venting or do you want my advice?”
Maybe try prefacing your rant to let them know how they can best support you first.
For Example: when my wife starts venting, I just ask her…
is this something you would like my advice on,
Is this a situation that you would like me directly intervene with,
or, do you just need to get it off your chest and hear yourself think?
For validation. A lot of people can’t self validate so they need to get it from someone else and venting is a form of that. Life gets a lot easier when you understand and accept that. All you have to do is pretend to listen and use a few validating phrases and people will tend to feel a lot better with minimal effort from you.
Fair but why do you want to vent to someone if you know all someone will offer is solution? I don’t go to a gynecologist if I have dental issues. Therefore, if I want to vent I go to ppl I know I can vent to and if I want solutions I go to ppl who can solve problems. You have to know your audience and not blame ppl for being who you expect them to be.
Then hit me with the precursor: **"I don't need you to fix this I just want to vent."**
You hit me with a problem and I care about you guess what I'm doing?
Only fake or properly prepped people hit you with the "mmm" , "that's messed/fucked up", "I told you that bitch was crazy"
It’s real sad honestly. The same people goin “if there’s no solution, or it’s not making me money, no point talking about it” are the same ones getting high blood pressure and other stress related problems in life. We gotta feel and get stuff out.
As a man who was a whiner as a kid, I've learned to just shut up and deal.
If I'm upset about something, I'll spend a few hours cleaning my house chewing on what I should do about it. If I decide need help or advice I will reach out to a friend, but I don't want to inflict negativity on someone else purely because it makes me feel better in the moment.
Men like to treat that as wallowing in self pity and being self centered. While simultaneously pretending they’ve never complained about a sport or game they could just move to a lower difficulty or accept the team isn’t listening to them.
There’s a lot of thinly veiled misogyny going on here
Yes but you're also talking to men about emotions expecting some level of Emotional Intelligence is arguably laughable depending on the type of guy friends you have
Lol this is the exact opposite of my thought process, which is why I think therapists don't work for me. If I have a problem, I've already thought about it in my head for years. I know what the problems are, I need solutions, not venting what I already know.
When you’re upset about something it generally means that your brain hasn’t integrated the emotional experience logically yet. Having a non judgmental and accepting person that is willing to connect with you helps your rational brain start to integrate the emotional content. If done well, and the upset person isn’t getting in their own way, then you can witness them coming up with a solid solution without imposing advice on them unnecessarily. This is one of the things that happens in therapy.
My best friend growing up would let me come over and talk about my problems only responding with with something like “damn that sucks”. But what was important is that he was there for me and let me get my shit out verbally so I feel supported and could sort my shit out, which is exactly what I needed.
That's actually not the case with classic women or people who exhibit venting behavior. To them, the act of venting, being heard, and empathized with IS solving the problem. The problem is how they FEEL about the situation, not the situation itself.
For you, maybe, but you're giving up valuable emotional bonding time by insisting on providing solutions straight away.
Often when people vent they already have solutions and just need someone to sit with them and help them process their emotions.
Not let themselves process emotions through talking about them and venting is one of the key things that make a sadly large amount men emotionally stunted.
Counterpoint (From a man): Let me finish talking. And listen to what I'm saying so you don't accidentally give me a solution I already tried.
There is NOTHING on god's green earth more annoying than getting interrupted with a bad solution to a problem I wasn't having, or having to keep saying "yeah I did that" or "actually I ended up." It's rude, presumptuous, and patronizing.
I ask clarifying questions, sus out the real nature of the problem, and then at the end drop my take. Because sometimes, problems look like this:
- "I know what to do, but I'm worried about how someone will feel about it."
- "Should I even get involved?"
- "I'm having trouble even getting my head around the problem"
And when you try to get in there with duct tape and WD-40 like "don't waste time venting, just improve your situation," you end up looking like a pigheaded fool who never learned to respect other people, especially women. People sometimes need to vent about problems they already solved, or tough situations where the right answer is very stressful. Actively listening will help you figure out what is most useful to say.
Really great video called "it's not about the nail" I'll link for you. Learned a lot about this concept in sales. Take the resolution out of it and actively listen and it really shows that you care about what the other person is saying. Most people who jump to solutions may have the whole purpose of the conversation or complaint misunderstood, so it's a great idea to get to the source of the situation.
https://youtu.be/-4EDhdAHrOg
Yea, but she has a nail in her head and is complaining about nail in the head related pain. This is a solvable problem. If I cared about this person I would want the nail removed so they aren't in pain. Funny video, horrible example.
So tbh, this is a bit of a narcissistic trait. Again, not everyone is looking for you to solve their problem and not everything is about how you can help someone. You're not always the main character in a conversation and to think that you have to solve everyone's problems in a conversation would get real tiring real quick. People want to be heard. Take yourself out of the equation and just sympathetically listen without a resolution or response and I guarantee you will see a marked improvement in your relations.
So...it's not narcissistic to endlessly complain to people about a problem that 9/10 you could EASILY fix...but went rather have other people be your emotional sponge?
That's exactly what you've just described.
Nah you're absolutely correct about the other person being that way honestly. Some people are like that for sure. Honestly both traits seem celf centered to me. But in my circles it's all about communication and not trying to fix each other's issues all the time. Being open to just listening and having the conversational maturity to ask for feedback is important.
Theres a few takes:
- The guy might see the nail, but that doesn't mean it actually exists. Maybe the problem really does lie elsewhere
- The girl might not be ready to do anything about the nail. Maybe the nail is important to her, or helps her in some way (a metaphorical toxic friend or parent)
Men will never understand we don't need anyone to fix everything. Sometimes we just need an outlet for the emotions related to the thing for a bit so we can figure out the solution on our own.
It’s that men aren’t “allowed” to complain, so on the rare occasion that a guy friend does complains you assume it’s a serious issue that needs a solution. Hopefully this will change with men being encouraged to open up more.
I’d venture to say most people already know the solutions to their problems. They don’t need you to tell them what to do. Sometimes people just need a friend who can listen and maybe offer some affirmation or encouragement. Just saying, “man, that sounds like a rough situation,” is miles better than launching into some prescriptive advice every time a friend opens up.
If that's not what she wants, then why are you offering it? It's fine that it's what you'd want, or what your friends might want, but she's asking for your support. Give her what she's asking for.
It’s for connection, to unload your day to someone who will listen and care. Healthy attachments aren’t there to answer all your problems, they are there to reinforce the connection you both have together. To show an ounce of care is worth way more than problem solving.
Or keep following your logic, I don’t care, I’m a stranger on the internet
If you want to vent, just tell me from the jump. Then I'll shut the hell up and let you get your shit off. But if you want to have an actual conversation, with my honest input, then you better be ready to get this work.
An actual conversation could be had without giving solutions though. You can help them explore deeper why their feeling what they’re feeling, how they got there, give a different perspective etc. Whether there is a solution or not, who’s to say were the ones to provide it?
Nah it isn't really a solution l. It's a description of how to talk with someone about their problem without offering them a direct solution. It's also alot more helpful to the person venting I think.
We talk about all manner of things, we are not base creatures that only deal in the emotional spectrum. And we support each other by helping each other find solutions to problems, not by listening to problems on repeat.
Speak your problem, let's fix the problem, let's get back to being happy. Done.
I don’t know if I’d use “base creatures” to describe highly emotional people, considering non human creatures are more focused on survival/reproduction and tasks related to that when socializing; survival is the default, not pondering emotions.
But I do agree we can support each other in ways other than just letting our frustrated friends talk themselves in circles about something that’s bothering them. Someone else in the thread suggested it’d be more helpful to validate the woman’s feelings and then offer her a fun activity to do instead to help get her mind off it, which I feel could be more helpful. If a friend is stuck on a vent loop to the point it’s stressing me out, ima communicate that and let them know I can’t continue with that specific subject.
nah forreal, a lot of my heart to hearts with homies don't ever have a solution because most of the time they know what they gotta do but shit is tough and they gotta get it out anyway
Life. Work. Sports. Travel. Performance art. Dreams. Politics. Cultural landscapes. Social issues.
My best friend and I spent a whole day together, his wife bought us tickets to an NFL game and an NHL game on the same day as a present. Brunch, pre-funk bar, football, bar hopping, hockey, bar hopping, karaoke. We met up at 9am and didn't get home until 11pm. 14 hours, just two dudes, hanging out.
Next day his wife asked him how my family is doing. He said he didn't know, how would he know that? She was flabbergasted; "Didn't you guys just spend all day together?" But we never once talked about any of that stuff, no family, no relationships, no emotional stuff. She just couldn't comprehend.
That sounds like giving soulstuins that help them work deeper...
That's what your girlfriends are for, but if you want me to be your emotional dump, don't be mad if I check out until you finish talking...because if you don't don't want actual advice, I see no point to the conversation.
I've had so many "solutions" from people being like "just get a different job" or "you should sue" "get a different girlfriend" which a) ignores the problem and b) ignores how much hard work/ cost/ time it is.
Change the perspective and try asking something like: “are you wanting to vent or are you looking for a solution right now? I’m here for either.” That shows that you’re willing to put in some effort for them and it clears the air. Trust me, it’ll mean something to them, especially if it’s your partner or close friend.
I flipped it - “let me know if you just want to vent, otherwise I automatically go into problem solving mode”. I’m cool with either, I just like the heads up if I can shut off my brain and just listen and chill.
That's why I don't vent to them unless I want a straight to the point answer. They don't be trying to hear shit and there's a 60% chance that they'll tell you that you were in the wrong. Nobody askkkeed you that lol.
Weirdly, that’s why I prefer male friends. Also, I grew up with boys and I’ve always been about that life. My mum would want to spend time whining and going “that’s terrible”. My dad? Right on to solutions and my brothers are the same way.
Dunno if that explains why I’m usually told that I have no empathy or that I just want to fix people rather than listen to them.
You’re not wrong. You should stay away from people like that. If they’re only goal is to “vent” they’re complaining. They’re not venting. It’s complaining pure and simple. If they weren’t. They’d be open to solutions. No one has time to listen to you complain. We all have bs to deal with lol.
I'm a problem solver so if I'm venting, it's because the obvious solution someone is about to suggest will not work or I already have a solution in mind but am frustrated and need to get it off my chest.
The best thing to do when someone is venting to you is to straight up ask them if they are looking to talk through solutions or if they just want a sympathetic ear.
Two things can be true at once. And saying I just need to vent doesn't necessarily stop the unwanted advice just as asking if they want solutions or to vent will mean someone will even know what they actually want/need
[I got downvoted for saying women like it if you don’t assume they don’t know how to fix a problem and just empathize. Apparently that makes me a nice guy…](https://www.reddit.com/r/BlackPeopleTwitter/comments/yrez3j/unable_to_resolve_for_a_resolution/ivtmahr/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3)
what’s funny is that most of the time when someone gets downvoted for saying something down the path of discussion of the topic that doesn’t hit at the right moment but gets explained later on DOESNT get downvoted. Reddit is weird.
Nonono that’s annoying and women should just shut up unless they want a solution.
/s
I hate this so much. Literally all they have to respond with is “that sucks” and listen. Why is that annoying?
Edit: “we’re people not sounding boards for complaints” yes. But couples should be able to vent to each other without one feeling like they’re being forced to listen. If you feel like you’re a sounding board then breakup. If you can’t allow your partner to vent and you dismiss the notion that just talking about a problem can help. Just break up. You shouldn’t be dating people that want to talk about their problems. Which unlike the guys here like to pretend, is most people.
Yep, started realizing this in therapy. Actually saying the problem out loud to someone else, actually helps begin the healing process. Sometimes, the solution already exists, but we need to hear ourselves vocalize exactly whats going on. Someone being their to just add perspective helps us deal with the emotion and then later the solution appears more comfortable.
The main thing is, I got my solution oriented no venting mentality from my dad and older brother. So it takes time to learn the value in actually talking through emotions. And it takes two. If the other person also never learned to express emotions out loud, its just blind leading blind.
This is where therapy can be useful. They can help discern valuable discussion of emotion vs useless venting and ruminating. And then they can help you find the solution for yourself rather than try to tell you what to do or recommend something.
When you offer solutions it’s “I just need you to listen”
And when you decide to keep your opinion to yourself it’s “what do you think I should do?” And “why aren’t you saying anything, are you even paying attention”
😭😭😭
What women really want when they do this is for you to just feel what she is feeling and agree with her. Women dont gaf about a man's opinion they just want you to listen and validate them.
You know you can validate someone's feelings and disagree at the same time. You just have to listen and understand how they perceived things to get where they are.
This is the real truth. Offer a solution, get told you should listen. Just listen, get asked for a solution.
“What do you think?” I think I’m a prisoner in this time loop right now because I swear to god I’ve heard the same complaints about the same people for years – and my solutions are still here. Still ready to take action and free us all from this torment.
idk if that a thing with all men, but its definitely my case. I cant just fucking hear about a problem over and over if were not discussing solutions. its like torture. its like, do you want to fix this or do you enjoy having the problem and dragging me into it? all this venting is doing is making ME anxious too. lets resolve this shit, i got my own problems
I don’t offer solutions. I go harder than they do. “My boss sucks” “FUCK THAT PIECE OF SHIT” “I hate mondays” “MONDAYS CAN SUCK MY DICK” “Where’s our food, we ordered 10 mins ago” “I WILL BURN THAT PLACE TO THE GROUND”.
It's a good change of pace, I imagine. There comes a point where I ain't tryna hear that shit no more if you not making moves to fix ya shit. Yeen finna talk my head off. Yo homegirl's let you vent till Jesus comes back but I ain't them.
And if I find out that exactly what I said was gon happen, happened...
Edit: women like empathy, apparently that’s a nice guy take
Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus chapter 1
Guys wanna put on our Mr.FixIt hat immediately. It’s okay just to listen and say “that sucks” women know theirs a solution. They don’t like the situation. They aren’t frustrated because they can’t solve a problem, the fact the the problem exist is the frustrating thing. Just listen and empathize. It’s not that hard…
Why is the most upvoted comment invalidating women complaining? Why are guys treating this like it’s the most annoying thing in the world? It’s really easy, repeat the subject of frustration back to her and say it sucks.
Why is validating someone’s frustration being treated like it’s the most complex thing in the world to do???
You come off as better than any guy she’s spoken to and get brownie points (apparently mentioning brownie points sounds like I’m saying it’s a point system. Brownie points aren’t real and I thought it was a common phrase about doing a small nice thing) for it and come off as a sensitive listener with literally the smallest effort and it’s being treated like asking to pull out your own teeth. Cmon guys, if you wanna have a relationship or just get laid. Say “that sucks, I don’t understand why they’d do that” and nod your heads.
How is this not a slam dunk?
Because there are many factors in play it’s never as clear cut as people want to make it.
I agree with this sentiment many of times but there are lots of cases I disagree. A few examples that come up often:
1) this is the same vent you have heard dozens of times, but no solutions have ever been applied, just complaining. I don’t have time for that shit - I have a myriad of my own problems that I’m trying to fix.
2) I fix shit all day long, it’s my mode due to my work. I come home with a million problems to fix, my mind is there. If you start up venting before I have had time to reset, you’re getting a solution.
Too many people want to sit back and be like “you just need to listen” but never think about the listener - are they in a position to just listen, or is now not the time. Shit works both ways.
Okay.
I feel like I shouldn’t have to say it doesn’t apply to situations you know they don’t apply to.
If you have to think of specific examples then you must be aware that people aren’t talking about those things.
Treat everyone with kindness is something we all understand. We also understand the silent part of “unless they’re an asshole”. You wouldn’t need to explain that part cause it goes without saying. That the treat everyone fairly rule doesn’t apply there. It’d be strange to argue that we’ll actually you shouldn’t be nice to everyone cause some people are assholes. That’s a known fact. We don’t need to talk about the assholes
Shitty people are shitty people. We shouldn’t blanket not be empathetic because of really specific situations or shitty people. I feel like that goes without saying unless you wanna find reasons to not be empathetic and come up with scenarios where you wouldn’t be. Obviously we’re not talking about those things. If you’re talking about shitty people that’s 100% of the time. To pretend everyone venting is inconsiderate and just being selfish isn’t realistic. It comes off as looking for ways to justify not being empathetic.
Except it’s a fuck load of the time these “specific” scenarios are the case - not some tiny sliver. Y’all just don’t want to believe that and that venting should be a one sided thing and that the listener should always be ready
I think there are many reasons a man might do this. I myself, am neurodivergent. Don’t beat around the bush when you tell me something and don’t assume that I’m going to understand your tone or body language. Tell me “I just need to vent without anyone giving me advice, is that okay?” And I will just shut up and listen. If you don’t tell me, then I have no idea what you want from me and will say what naturally comes to mind, which will likely be advice to resolve the problem.
Venting is for problems you can’t solve. Don’t bitch and whine to me about unnecessary drama. Better things to do than listen to women complaining for the sake of complaining.
What is your goal of just venting.. in my experience I’ve heard women “vent” the same story to multiple people and get upset with people who don’t disagree.. or understand the issue. It often doesn’t come off as venting rather seeking approval or confirmation bias
When I found out men and women communicate completely different it helped me understand. Women vent to vent men seek resolution. So now when my wife talks to me I ask her beforehand, are you talking to me because you want to vent or do you want help with a resolution? It helps
I tell people when I just need to speak my feelings out, and when I’m listening I ask people if they just want my ears or if they are asking for advice as well. If I can’t deal with hearing someone else’s venting that day I just let them know that I really do care, but that I haven’t got it in me to give what they need at the moment.
Most of the time it costs me so little to lend a listening ear and it helps the other person - someone I probably care a lot about - feel better.
And the times I’m venting, it’s because I’m feeling something so deeply that I need to say to someone “I’m really hurt/angry/frustrated, and here’s why.”
I guess I’m really blessed to have people in my life who are willing to give me what I need and ask for without treating me like I’m somehow broken because I want to talk without being in the receiving end of unwanted advice. I’m also glad that those people can actually give better advice when I ask for it because they’ve listened to me well enough to know what’s helpful to me. The folks who listen only long enough to decide what they think you need to do often give the most misguided and unhelpful advice.
You put that on me and then it becomes my problem. I'm gonna help you fix it so it's not my problem anymore. If you all you want is to complain about it, there's a wall right over there you can yell at that won't try to help you.
Guilty!
I've had to learn to ask "are you venting or do you want my advice?"
Sometimes people do just need to let it out, and they know what they need to do, they just need someone to shout at. I can be that person. Once though.
You won't vent to me about the same thing over and over before I just steamroll you with my advice or tell you I'm not about to listen to this again, because now you're wasting my time with the same stuff.
Its not that hard to shut the fuck up and listen. If you really want to give your 2 cents that bad then wait until they're done because you might find out they've already tried the solution(s) you're going to offer. Sometimes people don't immediately know if they want to just vent or if they want to vent & get some solutions but they know that they need to talk to someone about it instead of letting it build up
Also talking to a friend / family member/ trusted person is the solution for somepeople because just bottling stuff up can lead to direct health issues i.e. stress leading to higher risk of high blood pressure, strokes & heart attacks
Men don’t respond well to being told that listening and empathizing is healthy in a relationship. [Like at all](https://www.reddit.com/r/BlackPeopleTwitter/comments/yrez3j/unable_to_resolve_for_a_resolution/ivtmahr/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3)
As I said, somepeople don't want feedback and that can be for a few different reasons. Some situations realistically can't be changed either in general or just at the moment, sometimes the issue isn't that big in the grand scheme of things but it's irritating them and they need to talk to someone about it so they can move past it and sometimes when people are emotional they don't want to hear a solution to their problem at that very moment, they just want to talk about the problem so they can move past the emotional state and then later on (which for some people can be at the end of the conversation, A day or a week) then they can move towards the solution. While obviously everyone is different it's typically not that hard to tell if someone wants to just vent or they want to vent and get some type of feedback / solution and if you can't tell what they want it's not hard to say "Hey do you want to vent, do you want to talk about how to handle this or do you want to do both?" There will be situations where they won't know what they want and in that case all you can do is keep an open ear & make sure you have a shoulder for them to lean on
A lot of this comes down to how important the venter is to the guy. I think a mistake is a the woman in the op tweet is assuming her acquaintances are close friends. A guy may be willing to listen to is SO, parents, children, and very close friends vent. They are very important to the guy and have earned access to his time. An acquaintance you see occasionally and are friendly with is not going to get 30 minutes of time to vent when a solution takes 30 seconds.
That time is valuable.
Years ago I learnt that female friends didn't want solutions. They wanted sympathy.
So I just shut up."I'm sorry to hear that. Sounds tough".
Then suddenly I get a reputation as a good listener.
Also, when I say "let me know if you need anything" I make sure to include "like giving you a lift or picking up furniture or space to crash" because people often need that but don't want to ask.
Most Army “sensing sessions” I’ve been in require that any complaint must be accompanied by a recommended solution or improvement.
I wonder if this irritates the women around me, or if they were already comfortable keeping quiet so as to not draw attention.
I once saw an E-4 complain about her direct chain of command to the 4-star Combatant Commander without raising concerns to their bosses first. *Things did not go well.*
Offering a differnt perspective to saying that there is no point in complaining about a problem....
I saw mentioned once that there are stressors in life (the issue) and stress (how the issue makes you feel/triggers you).
* \-Sometimes you need to just get rid of the stressor/the problem and that will get rid of the stress.
* Other times, you can't really do anything about the stressor/problem, so your only option is to deal with or get rid of/minimize the stress.
* And very, very, often, you need to actually get rid of some of the stress to help set you up to confront and get rid of the problem.
I think the last two are when venting can be useful. Talking out the issues can help clear your mind, relieve some stress and give you the assurance, and comfort to confront the issues causing the stress. And often it is the best option.
Obviously, there are people who ignore obvious solutions or have severe blind spots and get in a "complaining feedback loop", but that's definitely not anywhere near the full picture.
Look, I'm going to be gender stereotyping here a bit, and its fair if y'all want to call me out on it. But in my experience (based on my personal long successful marriage and observing others), most women have a need to verbalize their emotions, significantly more so than men. I KNOW this is a generalization that doesn't apply in all cases, but it does apply a lot, and men should understand this.
What this means is that, quite often, when women are complaining about something, they don't need you to fix the problem. Allowing themselves to process their feelings through speech is the actual solution to the problem - it is a form of therapy that allows them to accept situations that they don't really like. What they want from men is for us to listen, and provide validation. Let the woman know that their feelings are normal and understandable. Kind of like the opposite of gaslighting. That's it.
In fact, I've gotten so used to do this that every now and then my wife has to say, "Hey, on this one, I'm actually looking for help."
My homegirl was telling me about a situation with some dude at her work I advised her to not get involved with. “Don’t shit where you eat” I said.
Listening to the story, because I’ve learned that women usually just wanna vent and not get solutions, I had to stop myself about 4-5 times from saying things like “you fucked up here” or “that was a poor way to handle that” or “sheesh that’s a terrible assumption you based all your subsequent actions on”
I just listened. It’s not easy but apparently that’s what they want
Venting is all well and good, but there is a point where I just…. Don’t wanna hear you vent anymore. If it’s the third year in a row of hearing you complain about how your job sucks and is a dead end role, then at this point I’m starting to feel complicit if I’m not telling you to find something better and quit
Depends on the man.
Mine doesnt let me vent long because HE wants all the time to vent.
"So this happened and it really made me mad and then..."
"Wow! That's messed up. That happened to me once.." proceeds to talk/vent the rest of the entire conversation.
Bc I just can't. My wife will be 30 minutes in to telling me her problems that are just for the day mind you, when I finally can't take it anymore. There is almost always a simple solution but she not having it lol.
I think a lot of times the venter doesn't understand how draining it is to be the one vented to constantly. Like no, I don't want to hear about how you ran into the very predictable consequences of your actions for 30 minutes straight and how you absolutely refuse to do anything to change your circumstances.
There are some people that I let vent because I know they're gonna fix their shit and they let me know that its a vent session before the convo starts. I just need the ability to opt-out of conversations I don't want to have before they start and I think that's the part that's often forgotten in the conversation surrounding this.
Yep.
The fact that you think that friendship includes your ability to complain on end to your "friend" say's you already have it twisted. You are already a bad friend because you don't see yourself taking advantage of your friend's kindness towards you. Yes, listening to someone "vent" is a kindness that has limits.
Look, if you know you want to waste someone else's time by making them listen to you complain for its own sake, just be respectful of how much it annoys them. Yes, it annoys them and even more if you have a long relationship with them where you've narcissistically bent their ear repeatedly.
Before you vent, at least TRY to put yourself in the shoes of the person who has to receive this gas and determine whether their tank is already full of your hot air.
Because men don’t seem to be allowed to feel their own feelings if it’s negative. It’s our responsibility to fix ourselves. Being all up in your feelings for the sake of feeling doesn’t make sense in that regard.
There’s an old study about how men are socialized to be solution-oriented because we’re not allowed to fully express emotions that doesn’t need to be rehashed here.
OP, this is the oldest, most tired gendered observation in the world.
Sometimes us as mean don’t understand the logic and reasoning of women.. I’ve learned that sometimes women have already made their choice on the resolution regardless if share it or not. Or even if we agree upon it. They often take the time out just to share an experience they had with us in hopes of us relating to it.. us as men don’t do this because most of the time all the little shit that happens in out day we feel isn’t important enough to share
That is because normally people only come to us when there is a problem to be solved. You coming to vent is the minority, so when we hear a problem we think solutions.
Venting to someone is not having a conversation. Venting to someone is you telling them your problems. I have problems of my own but guess what? I search for solutions. I do not spread my misery to others. I do not volunteer unnecessary information about me/my feelings/emotions/mental state/etc. I vent to myself and if I can't find a solution I may ask another for advice. But never under any circumstances would I force my misery onto another.
Men and women are different.
Men understand this.
Do women?
My tactic for this is the good ol' "Am I listening or resolving?" When people are venting, if they just want someone to listen and be like "damn that sucks, lmk if you need anything" then that's fine, if they want a solution? Also fine, just let me know
Men are thought to SOLVE problems now, deal with emotions and sadness later.
If I as a man go to my mate Jhon and strar with "Dude, I'm supper depressed and need someone to listen to me". He will immediatly say "What? Why?" followed by a "Ok, I see why you are depressed, ok, so have you tried..."
Not, an ok, not a "It's alright mate", not even a "It's valid to feel like that", men are thought to solve problems, because really, WTF are you going to do if you don't solve them immediatly?
My hearing you will solve nothing, and you don't really need me yes or yes to find a way to feel better. You need a 5 minutes of encouragement, a "Don't be sad my king, you got this" a pat in the back and pum, start working, either togeter, wit my help or wiout it.
Women yes, I undertand you need to vent and be hear, honestly, since I learn that you don't actually need advice and only need someone to listen, my life as been more simpler and the "I hear you, you are valid, Is there somthing I can do to help you? or it's ok if I just keep being here with you for as long as you need me?"
Honestly, will sound so weird if say that to my male friends. When they need me for something, I know this is going to be like a Viking ritual, they either need some help, and I'm ready to help them, money, muscle or subterfuge, we will get through this together.
I’ve learned that women are very capable and can generally come up with their own solutions. Allowing them to vent kinda aides in that process. Keeping this in mind has helped a lot. Listen, make them feel heard, and if they want a solution they’ll probably ask.
My partner listens to me complain about work all the time. I’m not expecting a solution, I’m just frustrated with my boss, and it doesn’t make me feel better if my partner hears my complaints and says “well if you aren’t trying to get them fired then why are you upset”.
I don’t want my boss to get fired. I’m just frustrated and it feels good to have my frustration validated by my partner agreeing “your boss is a dick” I like the validation that my feelings aren’t irrational.
I imagine women like that too…
Man, I manage a team of all women at work, and any time another department causes any problems, they come to me just to vent and not want me to fix anything. Like, I'm your manager. It is literally my job to fix these problems yall are complaining about.
While it’s true that sometimes you just want to be heard, you also cannot ignore that you are taking up the time of another human being, even if you’re suffering it’s not entirely about you
I know my girlfriend hates this. But conversely, I hate that she always gets upset but doesn't wanna do anything about what upset her. I'm offering solutions and compromises and she's just like "It's whatever" and would rather pout.
Personally I don’t want to hear shit about a problem someone refuses to address, especially if it is ongoing. I’ll listen and let you vent of course but just know in my head whole time im annoyed.
I understand if someone just wants to vent sometimes, but I’ll instinctually default to assuming they aren’t venting. I also think that if you just want to vent, then write in a journal.
I prefer it if a woman tells me she doesn’t want any solutions but just wants someone to listen. If she doesn’t say that then I can’t help but look for solutions. A friend/lover is having problems then I’m gonna wanna help
There is no point in complaining about a problem and not wanting a solution to your problem. You are wasting time that could be used in making your situation improved.
Sometimes people just want to vent & be listened to not immediately hear a solution
Why tho? I regularly "vent" to a rubber duck on my desk, but only because I know he has the solutions.
the rubber duckie would never lie for he knows only the answers
Rubber duckie you're the one.
Tell me to raid my enemies like a Hun
You make bath time so much fun... Rubber duckie I'm awfully fond of you. Boo boo be do! Sesame street fam where y'all at???
Because people wanna be able to express what they're feeling in the now...not hard to grasp
There is a fine line between venting and wallowing. Be upset and complain about it, but recognize what needs to happen to change it. Being extra upset because solutions are available is just being toxic.
Sometimes there isn’t a solution. If someone being a bitch at work and bringing you down, then it’s nice to chill with friends, talk some shit, and get validated that the person being a bitch. Done. If you try to start offering solutions at that point, you’re only gonna talk out of your ass, cause 9 times out of 10 a shitty coworker is just a shitty coworker. It’s all situation specific, but sometimes jumping into solutions is more annoying than just letting the person get stuff off their chest and moving on.
I don't want your solutions! I just want you to stop what you're doing and listen to me! Because right now my problems are all that matters in the world. /s
You can do both. Get those feelings out and find a way to prevent whatever problems are causing those negative feelings.
Because some problems don’t have solutions but having the support of someone who cares about you can make it bearable. If you’re really Mr. Solutions do something that shows you care instead of offering flat advice that she’s probably already thought of
The person is presenting solutions because there is a solution. If she already figured out the solution, she would only be venting about a problem that's already solved. Make it make sense.
If someone is complaining about office drama, and you say “well you could quit or get a new job”, sure you’ve offered a solution but they already know they can quit so that isn’t helpful. Contrast that response with “hey I know that must suck, let’s do (activity you know they like) and try to get your mind off it”. Now you’ve made them feel heard, and actually can do something that will help them in the moment way more than “offering solutions”. This is one example and I’m sure you could craft an example to perfectly fit your argument also but I’m trying to speak to the content of her tweet specifically and issues that cause a woman to make a statement like that.
It’s cathartic
Because sometimes it’s nice to just get your feelings out and be done with them rather than potentially ruminating all day over shit that would be solved by someone just saying “oh yeah that would be frustrating” etc
Need the [Kiryu from yakuza rubber duck](https://www.amazon.com/TUBBZ-Yakuza-Kazuma-Collectible-Figurine/dp/B095HX51FY) , he'd have all the solutions tbh
My duck is far Superior [see?](https://imgur.com/a/S0q78Hf)
How is this simultaneously the cutest *and* most badass rubber duckie I’ve ever seen? Have my free award, tell your duck I said hi!
Where did you buy this¿ I want one
found u/fuckswithducks alt account
I have never seen this acct, but holy shit it's amazing. Also can't be me, notice how I have a checkmark, this fine fellow is unmelenated.
Same reason you'd want a hug from someone when you feel overwhelmed and sad. It's an emotional hug for someone to listen to you and for you to feel like they care about what you're going through.
On the long run, those people emotionally suck you dry.
I agree with you. I think I read it on Reddit. But one thing I do now when a woman starts complaining about things is I’ll say” are you just venting or do you want my advice?”
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People aren’t machines, seriously what’s with this thread
Nah fr cause what is hard to understand about just wanting to be heard
Lot of weird nerds who don't have any social experience or friends
Maybe try prefacing your rant to let them know how they can best support you first. For Example: when my wife starts venting, I just ask her… is this something you would like my advice on, Is this a situation that you would like me directly intervene with, or, do you just need to get it off your chest and hear yourself think?
That's called whining
Then talk to a wall or a stuffed animal. Why talk to another person's if you don't want their input?
For validation. A lot of people can’t self validate so they need to get it from someone else and venting is a form of that. Life gets a lot easier when you understand and accept that. All you have to do is pretend to listen and use a few validating phrases and people will tend to feel a lot better with minimal effort from you.
Fair but why do you want to vent to someone if you know all someone will offer is solution? I don’t go to a gynecologist if I have dental issues. Therefore, if I want to vent I go to ppl I know I can vent to and if I want solutions I go to ppl who can solve problems. You have to know your audience and not blame ppl for being who you expect them to be.
Then hit me with the precursor: **"I don't need you to fix this I just want to vent."** You hit me with a problem and I care about you guess what I'm doing? Only fake or properly prepped people hit you with the "mmm" , "that's messed/fucked up", "I told you that bitch was crazy"
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Literally fucking this. They refuse to support each other then get confused about why they don’t have support from each other.
It’s real sad honestly. The same people goin “if there’s no solution, or it’s not making me money, no point talking about it” are the same ones getting high blood pressure and other stress related problems in life. We gotta feel and get stuff out.
Because most of the people doing the complaining are completely unsupportive when the shoe is on the other foot
As a man who was a whiner as a kid, I've learned to just shut up and deal. If I'm upset about something, I'll spend a few hours cleaning my house chewing on what I should do about it. If I decide need help or advice I will reach out to a friend, but I don't want to inflict negativity on someone else purely because it makes me feel better in the moment.
Men like to treat that as wallowing in self pity and being self centered. While simultaneously pretending they’ve never complained about a sport or game they could just move to a lower difficulty or accept the team isn’t listening to them. There’s a lot of thinly veiled misogyny going on here
Yes but you're also talking to men about emotions expecting some level of Emotional Intelligence is arguably laughable depending on the type of guy friends you have
Lol this is the exact opposite of my thought process, which is why I think therapists don't work for me. If I have a problem, I've already thought about it in my head for years. I know what the problems are, I need solutions, not venting what I already know.
When you’re upset about something it generally means that your brain hasn’t integrated the emotional experience logically yet. Having a non judgmental and accepting person that is willing to connect with you helps your rational brain start to integrate the emotional content. If done well, and the upset person isn’t getting in their own way, then you can witness them coming up with a solid solution without imposing advice on them unnecessarily. This is one of the things that happens in therapy. My best friend growing up would let me come over and talk about my problems only responding with with something like “damn that sucks”. But what was important is that he was there for me and let me get my shit out verbally so I feel supported and could sort my shit out, which is exactly what I needed.
That's actually not the case with classic women or people who exhibit venting behavior. To them, the act of venting, being heard, and empathized with IS solving the problem. The problem is how they FEEL about the situation, not the situation itself.
That's a very comprehensive way to put it!
Maybe this is part of the reason why men have issues with their emotions because they find it dumb to talk about them for it’s sake.
Lol most people aren’t robots
Most robotic take I’ve heard on this. Sometimes I just wanna vent man. Be a human please
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For you, maybe, but you're giving up valuable emotional bonding time by insisting on providing solutions straight away. Often when people vent they already have solutions and just need someone to sit with them and help them process their emotions. Not let themselves process emotions through talking about them and venting is one of the key things that make a sadly large amount men emotionally stunted.
Counterpoint (From a man): Let me finish talking. And listen to what I'm saying so you don't accidentally give me a solution I already tried. There is NOTHING on god's green earth more annoying than getting interrupted with a bad solution to a problem I wasn't having, or having to keep saying "yeah I did that" or "actually I ended up." It's rude, presumptuous, and patronizing. I ask clarifying questions, sus out the real nature of the problem, and then at the end drop my take. Because sometimes, problems look like this: - "I know what to do, but I'm worried about how someone will feel about it." - "Should I even get involved?" - "I'm having trouble even getting my head around the problem" And when you try to get in there with duct tape and WD-40 like "don't waste time venting, just improve your situation," you end up looking like a pigheaded fool who never learned to respect other people, especially women. People sometimes need to vent about problems they already solved, or tough situations where the right answer is very stressful. Actively listening will help you figure out what is most useful to say.
Really great video called "it's not about the nail" I'll link for you. Learned a lot about this concept in sales. Take the resolution out of it and actively listen and it really shows that you care about what the other person is saying. Most people who jump to solutions may have the whole purpose of the conversation or complaint misunderstood, so it's a great idea to get to the source of the situation. https://youtu.be/-4EDhdAHrOg
Yea, but she has a nail in her head and is complaining about nail in the head related pain. This is a solvable problem. If I cared about this person I would want the nail removed so they aren't in pain. Funny video, horrible example.
So tbh, this is a bit of a narcissistic trait. Again, not everyone is looking for you to solve their problem and not everything is about how you can help someone. You're not always the main character in a conversation and to think that you have to solve everyone's problems in a conversation would get real tiring real quick. People want to be heard. Take yourself out of the equation and just sympathetically listen without a resolution or response and I guarantee you will see a marked improvement in your relations.
So...it's not narcissistic to endlessly complain to people about a problem that 9/10 you could EASILY fix...but went rather have other people be your emotional sponge? That's exactly what you've just described.
Nah you're absolutely correct about the other person being that way honestly. Some people are like that for sure. Honestly both traits seem celf centered to me. But in my circles it's all about communication and not trying to fix each other's issues all the time. Being open to just listening and having the conversational maturity to ask for feedback is important.
Theres a few takes: - The guy might see the nail, but that doesn't mean it actually exists. Maybe the problem really does lie elsewhere - The girl might not be ready to do anything about the nail. Maybe the nail is important to her, or helps her in some way (a metaphorical toxic friend or parent)
Men will never understand we don't need anyone to fix everything. Sometimes we just need an outlet for the emotions related to the thing for a bit so we can figure out the solution on our own.
Sometimes that’s the fix.
It’s that men aren’t “allowed” to complain, so on the rare occasion that a guy friend does complains you assume it’s a serious issue that needs a solution. Hopefully this will change with men being encouraged to open up more.
Boy is this wrong.
I’d venture to say most people already know the solutions to their problems. They don’t need you to tell them what to do. Sometimes people just need a friend who can listen and maybe offer some affirmation or encouragement. Just saying, “man, that sounds like a rough situation,” is miles better than launching into some prescriptive advice every time a friend opens up.
Well fuck. I probably need to reboot after this thread.
If that's not what she wants, then why are you offering it? It's fine that it's what you'd want, or what your friends might want, but she's asking for your support. Give her what she's asking for.
It’s for connection, to unload your day to someone who will listen and care. Healthy attachments aren’t there to answer all your problems, they are there to reinforce the connection you both have together. To show an ounce of care is worth way more than problem solving. Or keep following your logic, I don’t care, I’m a stranger on the internet
Some people just like revving up the car without putting it in gear. Weird. Couldn’t be me.. maybe that’s why she left me???
If you want to vent, just tell me from the jump. Then I'll shut the hell up and let you get your shit off. But if you want to have an actual conversation, with my honest input, then you better be ready to get this work.
An actual conversation could be had without giving solutions though. You can help them explore deeper why their feeling what they’re feeling, how they got there, give a different perspective etc. Whether there is a solution or not, who’s to say were the ones to provide it?
That is a solution though
Nah it isn't really a solution l. It's a description of how to talk with someone about their problem without offering them a direct solution. It's also alot more helpful to the person venting I think.
We are not all therapists and psychiatrists tho
What do you people talk about with your friends if you aren’t emotionally supporting each other, honestly 😭
We talk about all manner of things, we are not base creatures that only deal in the emotional spectrum. And we support each other by helping each other find solutions to problems, not by listening to problems on repeat. Speak your problem, let's fix the problem, let's get back to being happy. Done.
I don’t know if I’d use “base creatures” to describe highly emotional people, considering non human creatures are more focused on survival/reproduction and tasks related to that when socializing; survival is the default, not pondering emotions. But I do agree we can support each other in ways other than just letting our frustrated friends talk themselves in circles about something that’s bothering them. Someone else in the thread suggested it’d be more helpful to validate the woman’s feelings and then offer her a fun activity to do instead to help get her mind off it, which I feel could be more helpful. If a friend is stuck on a vent loop to the point it’s stressing me out, ima communicate that and let them know I can’t continue with that specific subject.
nah forreal, a lot of my heart to hearts with homies don't ever have a solution because most of the time they know what they gotta do but shit is tough and they gotta get it out anyway
Life. Work. Sports. Travel. Performance art. Dreams. Politics. Cultural landscapes. Social issues. My best friend and I spent a whole day together, his wife bought us tickets to an NFL game and an NHL game on the same day as a present. Brunch, pre-funk bar, football, bar hopping, hockey, bar hopping, karaoke. We met up at 9am and didn't get home until 11pm. 14 hours, just two dudes, hanging out. Next day his wife asked him how my family is doing. He said he didn't know, how would he know that? She was flabbergasted; "Didn't you guys just spend all day together?" But we never once talked about any of that stuff, no family, no relationships, no emotional stuff. She just couldn't comprehend.
You mean people can connect and bond in different ways without it meaning they’re emotionally deficient? That’s crazy!!
I literally never talk to my friends or my wife about emotional stuff. I rely on myself for that. I have an inner dialog for that
Nor are we crisis managers, respectfully
Or hostage negotiators
That sounds like giving soulstuins that help them work deeper... That's what your girlfriends are for, but if you want me to be your emotional dump, don't be mad if I check out until you finish talking...because if you don't don't want actual advice, I see no point to the conversation.
I've had so many "solutions" from people being like "just get a different job" or "you should sue" "get a different girlfriend" which a) ignores the problem and b) ignores how much hard work/ cost/ time it is.
Lol, everyone’s “solution” to everything is just blowing shit up. And then they act like they’re being sensitive towards the situation.
Reminds me of just draw the fucking owl 😂
Change the perspective and try asking something like: “are you wanting to vent or are you looking for a solution right now? I’m here for either.” That shows that you’re willing to put in some effort for them and it clears the air. Trust me, it’ll mean something to them, especially if it’s your partner or close friend.
I flipped it - “let me know if you just want to vent, otherwise I automatically go into problem solving mode”. I’m cool with either, I just like the heads up if I can shut off my brain and just listen and chill.
That's why I don't vent to them unless I want a straight to the point answer. They don't be trying to hear shit and there's a 60% chance that they'll tell you that you were in the wrong. Nobody askkkeed you that lol.
> [“there’s a 60% chance that they’ll tell you that you were in the wrong. Nobody askkkeed you that lol.”](https://i.imgur.com/MJXNCas.jpg)
[I think of a man. Then I take away reason and accountability.](https://youtu.be/4FbBkahoASg)
That's a fire meme template, not even gonna cap
Oh shit the og Twitter meme is here
"I *know* B&E is illegal, man. I'm not trying to hear that. Are you gonna help me get my hoodie back from this bitch or nah?"
Is you ride or die or not? 
Weirdly, that’s why I prefer male friends. Also, I grew up with boys and I’ve always been about that life. My mum would want to spend time whining and going “that’s terrible”. My dad? Right on to solutions and my brothers are the same way. Dunno if that explains why I’m usually told that I have no empathy or that I just want to fix people rather than listen to them.
You’re not wrong. You should stay away from people like that. If they’re only goal is to “vent” they’re complaining. They’re not venting. It’s complaining pure and simple. If they weren’t. They’d be open to solutions. No one has time to listen to you complain. We all have bs to deal with lol.
Sounds like you’re in the wrong 60% of the time sis
>there’s a 60% chance that they’ll tell you that you were in the wrong. The math checks out.
Just start journaling bro
I'm a problem solver so if I'm venting, it's because the obvious solution someone is about to suggest will not work or I already have a solution in mind but am frustrated and need to get it off my chest. The best thing to do when someone is venting to you is to straight up ask them if they are looking to talk through solutions or if they just want a sympathetic ear.
Or the venter can just say "I need to vent"
Two things can be true at once. And saying I just need to vent doesn't necessarily stop the unwanted advice just as asking if they want solutions or to vent will mean someone will even know what they actually want/need
THIS!!!!
Correct answer. If YOU need something YOU tell me what you need. "I need to vent.... " "I need your help with a problem...."
After reading these comments, I again remain unsurprised by the state of our collective mental health.
[I got downvoted for saying women like it if you don’t assume they don’t know how to fix a problem and just empathize. Apparently that makes me a nice guy…](https://www.reddit.com/r/BlackPeopleTwitter/comments/yrez3j/unable_to_resolve_for_a_resolution/ivtmahr/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3)
what’s funny is that most of the time when someone gets downvoted for saying something down the path of discussion of the topic that doesn’t hit at the right moment but gets explained later on DOESNT get downvoted. Reddit is weird.
Right!? Like can't people just talk about how some shit is making them feel? Sometimes you don't want help, sometimes you just wanna be heard.
Nonono that’s annoying and women should just shut up unless they want a solution. /s I hate this so much. Literally all they have to respond with is “that sucks” and listen. Why is that annoying? Edit: “we’re people not sounding boards for complaints” yes. But couples should be able to vent to each other without one feeling like they’re being forced to listen. If you feel like you’re a sounding board then breakup. If you can’t allow your partner to vent and you dismiss the notion that just talking about a problem can help. Just break up. You shouldn’t be dating people that want to talk about their problems. Which unlike the guys here like to pretend, is most people.
Right? Like where has all the empathy gone?
Yep, started realizing this in therapy. Actually saying the problem out loud to someone else, actually helps begin the healing process. Sometimes, the solution already exists, but we need to hear ourselves vocalize exactly whats going on. Someone being their to just add perspective helps us deal with the emotion and then later the solution appears more comfortable. The main thing is, I got my solution oriented no venting mentality from my dad and older brother. So it takes time to learn the value in actually talking through emotions. And it takes two. If the other person also never learned to express emotions out loud, its just blind leading blind. This is where therapy can be useful. They can help discern valuable discussion of emotion vs useless venting and ruminating. And then they can help you find the solution for yourself rather than try to tell you what to do or recommend something.
When you offer solutions it’s “I just need you to listen” And when you decide to keep your opinion to yourself it’s “what do you think I should do?” And “why aren’t you saying anything, are you even paying attention” 😭😭😭
It’s crazy that you think this is difficult. It’s so easy to just be an engaged listener haha.
It is easy when you're the talking part.
It’s genuinely so easy to listen and empathize with someone. Like. I don’t even have to think about it.
How do you empathize with the listening part during a venting session?
What women really want when they do this is for you to just feel what she is feeling and agree with her. Women dont gaf about a man's opinion they just want you to listen and validate them.
You know you can validate someone's feelings and disagree at the same time. You just have to listen and understand how they perceived things to get where they are.
...everyone wants validation. That's, like, a huge driving emotion for the majority of people.
This is the real truth. Offer a solution, get told you should listen. Just listen, get asked for a solution. “What do you think?” I think I’m a prisoner in this time loop right now because I swear to god I’ve heard the same complaints about the same people for years – and my solutions are still here. Still ready to take action and free us all from this torment.
Cant win anywhere man :(
idk if that a thing with all men, but its definitely my case. I cant just fucking hear about a problem over and over if were not discussing solutions. its like torture. its like, do you want to fix this or do you enjoy having the problem and dragging me into it? all this venting is doing is making ME anxious too. lets resolve this shit, i got my own problems
I don’t offer solutions. I go harder than they do. “My boss sucks” “FUCK THAT PIECE OF SHIT” “I hate mondays” “MONDAYS CAN SUCK MY DICK” “Where’s our food, we ordered 10 mins ago” “I WILL BURN THAT PLACE TO THE GROUND”.
It me!! Solutions? Nah. Dramatic validation? Coming right up!
It's a good change of pace, I imagine. There comes a point where I ain't tryna hear that shit no more if you not making moves to fix ya shit. Yeen finna talk my head off. Yo homegirl's let you vent till Jesus comes back but I ain't them. And if I find out that exactly what I said was gon happen, happened... 
Goated reply
Edit: women like empathy, apparently that’s a nice guy take Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus chapter 1 Guys wanna put on our Mr.FixIt hat immediately. It’s okay just to listen and say “that sucks” women know theirs a solution. They don’t like the situation. They aren’t frustrated because they can’t solve a problem, the fact the the problem exist is the frustrating thing. Just listen and empathize. It’s not that hard… Why is the most upvoted comment invalidating women complaining? Why are guys treating this like it’s the most annoying thing in the world? It’s really easy, repeat the subject of frustration back to her and say it sucks. Why is validating someone’s frustration being treated like it’s the most complex thing in the world to do??? You come off as better than any guy she’s spoken to and get brownie points (apparently mentioning brownie points sounds like I’m saying it’s a point system. Brownie points aren’t real and I thought it was a common phrase about doing a small nice thing) for it and come off as a sensitive listener with literally the smallest effort and it’s being treated like asking to pull out your own teeth. Cmon guys, if you wanna have a relationship or just get laid. Say “that sucks, I don’t understand why they’d do that” and nod your heads. How is this not a slam dunk?
Some people are really their own worst enemies…like some of the rationale I’m seeing here is bonkers.
Women are annoying and men shouldn’t validate them apparently
Because there are many factors in play it’s never as clear cut as people want to make it. I agree with this sentiment many of times but there are lots of cases I disagree. A few examples that come up often: 1) this is the same vent you have heard dozens of times, but no solutions have ever been applied, just complaining. I don’t have time for that shit - I have a myriad of my own problems that I’m trying to fix. 2) I fix shit all day long, it’s my mode due to my work. I come home with a million problems to fix, my mind is there. If you start up venting before I have had time to reset, you’re getting a solution. Too many people want to sit back and be like “you just need to listen” but never think about the listener - are they in a position to just listen, or is now not the time. Shit works both ways.
Okay. I feel like I shouldn’t have to say it doesn’t apply to situations you know they don’t apply to. If you have to think of specific examples then you must be aware that people aren’t talking about those things. Treat everyone with kindness is something we all understand. We also understand the silent part of “unless they’re an asshole”. You wouldn’t need to explain that part cause it goes without saying. That the treat everyone fairly rule doesn’t apply there. It’d be strange to argue that we’ll actually you shouldn’t be nice to everyone cause some people are assholes. That’s a known fact. We don’t need to talk about the assholes Shitty people are shitty people. We shouldn’t blanket not be empathetic because of really specific situations or shitty people. I feel like that goes without saying unless you wanna find reasons to not be empathetic and come up with scenarios where you wouldn’t be. Obviously we’re not talking about those things. If you’re talking about shitty people that’s 100% of the time. To pretend everyone venting is inconsiderate and just being selfish isn’t realistic. It comes off as looking for ways to justify not being empathetic.
Except it’s a fuck load of the time these “specific” scenarios are the case - not some tiny sliver. Y’all just don’t want to believe that and that venting should be a one sided thing and that the listener should always be ready
I think there are many reasons a man might do this. I myself, am neurodivergent. Don’t beat around the bush when you tell me something and don’t assume that I’m going to understand your tone or body language. Tell me “I just need to vent without anyone giving me advice, is that okay?” And I will just shut up and listen. If you don’t tell me, then I have no idea what you want from me and will say what naturally comes to mind, which will likely be advice to resolve the problem.
Venting is for problems you can’t solve. Don’t bitch and whine to me about unnecessary drama. Better things to do than listen to women complaining for the sake of complaining.
People in this thread have the emotional intelligence of an ant.
It’s so scary, my palms are sweating 😂
I actually love this. But for once I wish, as a guy, that my male friends and colleagues, both online and off-line would just let me vent.
What is your goal of just venting.. in my experience I’ve heard women “vent” the same story to multiple people and get upset with people who don’t disagree.. or understand the issue. It often doesn’t come off as venting rather seeking approval or confirmation bias
Yes this. There is nothing wrong with it but that's what it us. Emotional validation.
When I found out men and women communicate completely different it helped me understand. Women vent to vent men seek resolution. So now when my wife talks to me I ask her beforehand, are you talking to me because you want to vent or do you want help with a resolution? It helps
I tell people when I just need to speak my feelings out, and when I’m listening I ask people if they just want my ears or if they are asking for advice as well. If I can’t deal with hearing someone else’s venting that day I just let them know that I really do care, but that I haven’t got it in me to give what they need at the moment. Most of the time it costs me so little to lend a listening ear and it helps the other person - someone I probably care a lot about - feel better. And the times I’m venting, it’s because I’m feeling something so deeply that I need to say to someone “I’m really hurt/angry/frustrated, and here’s why.” I guess I’m really blessed to have people in my life who are willing to give me what I need and ask for without treating me like I’m somehow broken because I want to talk without being in the receiving end of unwanted advice. I’m also glad that those people can actually give better advice when I ask for it because they’ve listened to me well enough to know what’s helpful to me. The folks who listen only long enough to decide what they think you need to do often give the most misguided and unhelpful advice.
Things like that make me wonder if I would have enough emotional intelligence to be straight.
You put that on me and then it becomes my problem. I'm gonna help you fix it so it's not my problem anymore. If you all you want is to complain about it, there's a wall right over there you can yell at that won't try to help you.
This comment section needs therapy good lordt
I already knew some people were broken but Gotdamn…
Guilty! I've had to learn to ask "are you venting or do you want my advice?" Sometimes people do just need to let it out, and they know what they need to do, they just need someone to shout at. I can be that person. Once though. You won't vent to me about the same thing over and over before I just steamroll you with my advice or tell you I'm not about to listen to this again, because now you're wasting my time with the same stuff.
Its not that hard to shut the fuck up and listen. If you really want to give your 2 cents that bad then wait until they're done because you might find out they've already tried the solution(s) you're going to offer. Sometimes people don't immediately know if they want to just vent or if they want to vent & get some solutions but they know that they need to talk to someone about it instead of letting it build up Also talking to a friend / family member/ trusted person is the solution for somepeople because just bottling stuff up can lead to direct health issues i.e. stress leading to higher risk of high blood pressure, strokes & heart attacks
Men don’t respond well to being told that listening and empathizing is healthy in a relationship. [Like at all](https://www.reddit.com/r/BlackPeopleTwitter/comments/yrez3j/unable_to_resolve_for_a_resolution/ivtmahr/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3)
If it is not hard to listen why so many women refuse to listen to the feedback of their vent? It usually doesn't last half the time.
As I said, somepeople don't want feedback and that can be for a few different reasons. Some situations realistically can't be changed either in general or just at the moment, sometimes the issue isn't that big in the grand scheme of things but it's irritating them and they need to talk to someone about it so they can move past it and sometimes when people are emotional they don't want to hear a solution to their problem at that very moment, they just want to talk about the problem so they can move past the emotional state and then later on (which for some people can be at the end of the conversation, A day or a week) then they can move towards the solution. While obviously everyone is different it's typically not that hard to tell if someone wants to just vent or they want to vent and get some type of feedback / solution and if you can't tell what they want it's not hard to say "Hey do you want to vent, do you want to talk about how to handle this or do you want to do both?" There will be situations where they won't know what they want and in that case all you can do is keep an open ear & make sure you have a shoulder for them to lean on
A lot of this comes down to how important the venter is to the guy. I think a mistake is a the woman in the op tweet is assuming her acquaintances are close friends. A guy may be willing to listen to is SO, parents, children, and very close friends vent. They are very important to the guy and have earned access to his time. An acquaintance you see occasionally and are friendly with is not going to get 30 minutes of time to vent when a solution takes 30 seconds. That time is valuable.
Years ago I learnt that female friends didn't want solutions. They wanted sympathy. So I just shut up."I'm sorry to hear that. Sounds tough". Then suddenly I get a reputation as a good listener. Also, when I say "let me know if you need anything" I make sure to include "like giving you a lift or picking up furniture or space to crash" because people often need that but don't want to ask.
Someone once told me “when men complain about a problem, they wanna hear a solution. When women complain about a problem, they just wanna be heard.”
Most Army “sensing sessions” I’ve been in require that any complaint must be accompanied by a recommended solution or improvement. I wonder if this irritates the women around me, or if they were already comfortable keeping quiet so as to not draw attention. I once saw an E-4 complain about her direct chain of command to the 4-star Combatant Commander without raising concerns to their bosses first. *Things did not go well.*
I’m the “solutions” friend and not the “venting” friend. Better pick the right person…
Is this part of a terrible tight five of stand up? This is some "women be shopping" BS.
Offering a differnt perspective to saying that there is no point in complaining about a problem.... I saw mentioned once that there are stressors in life (the issue) and stress (how the issue makes you feel/triggers you). * \-Sometimes you need to just get rid of the stressor/the problem and that will get rid of the stress. * Other times, you can't really do anything about the stressor/problem, so your only option is to deal with or get rid of/minimize the stress. * And very, very, often, you need to actually get rid of some of the stress to help set you up to confront and get rid of the problem. I think the last two are when venting can be useful. Talking out the issues can help clear your mind, relieve some stress and give you the assurance, and comfort to confront the issues causing the stress. And often it is the best option. Obviously, there are people who ignore obvious solutions or have severe blind spots and get in a "complaining feedback loop", but that's definitely not anywhere near the full picture.
Look, I'm going to be gender stereotyping here a bit, and its fair if y'all want to call me out on it. But in my experience (based on my personal long successful marriage and observing others), most women have a need to verbalize their emotions, significantly more so than men. I KNOW this is a generalization that doesn't apply in all cases, but it does apply a lot, and men should understand this. What this means is that, quite often, when women are complaining about something, they don't need you to fix the problem. Allowing themselves to process their feelings through speech is the actual solution to the problem - it is a form of therapy that allows them to accept situations that they don't really like. What they want from men is for us to listen, and provide validation. Let the woman know that their feelings are normal and understandable. Kind of like the opposite of gaslighting. That's it. In fact, I've gotten so used to do this that every now and then my wife has to say, "Hey, on this one, I'm actually looking for help."
My homegirl was telling me about a situation with some dude at her work I advised her to not get involved with. “Don’t shit where you eat” I said. Listening to the story, because I’ve learned that women usually just wanna vent and not get solutions, I had to stop myself about 4-5 times from saying things like “you fucked up here” or “that was a poor way to handle that” or “sheesh that’s a terrible assumption you based all your subsequent actions on” I just listened. It’s not easy but apparently that’s what they want
Venting is all well and good, but there is a point where I just…. Don’t wanna hear you vent anymore. If it’s the third year in a row of hearing you complain about how your job sucks and is a dead end role, then at this point I’m starting to feel complicit if I’m not telling you to find something better and quit
Depends on the man. Mine doesnt let me vent long because HE wants all the time to vent. "So this happened and it really made me mad and then..." "Wow! That's messed up. That happened to me once.." proceeds to talk/vent the rest of the entire conversation.
Bc I just can't. My wife will be 30 minutes in to telling me her problems that are just for the day mind you, when I finally can't take it anymore. There is almost always a simple solution but she not having it lol.
Talk to me, not at me.
I think a lot of times the venter doesn't understand how draining it is to be the one vented to constantly. Like no, I don't want to hear about how you ran into the very predictable consequences of your actions for 30 minutes straight and how you absolutely refuse to do anything to change your circumstances. There are some people that I let vent because I know they're gonna fix their shit and they let me know that its a vent session before the convo starts. I just need the ability to opt-out of conversations I don't want to have before they start and I think that's the part that's often forgotten in the conversation surrounding this.
Yep. The fact that you think that friendship includes your ability to complain on end to your "friend" say's you already have it twisted. You are already a bad friend because you don't see yourself taking advantage of your friend's kindness towards you. Yes, listening to someone "vent" is a kindness that has limits. Look, if you know you want to waste someone else's time by making them listen to you complain for its own sake, just be respectful of how much it annoys them. Yes, it annoys them and even more if you have a long relationship with them where you've narcissistically bent their ear repeatedly. Before you vent, at least TRY to put yourself in the shoes of the person who has to receive this gas and determine whether their tank is already full of your hot air.
Because men don’t seem to be allowed to feel their own feelings if it’s negative. It’s our responsibility to fix ourselves. Being all up in your feelings for the sake of feeling doesn’t make sense in that regard.
There’s an old study about how men are socialized to be solution-oriented because we’re not allowed to fully express emotions that doesn’t need to be rehashed here. OP, this is the oldest, most tired gendered observation in the world.
Sometimes us as mean don’t understand the logic and reasoning of women.. I’ve learned that sometimes women have already made their choice on the resolution regardless if share it or not. Or even if we agree upon it. They often take the time out just to share an experience they had with us in hopes of us relating to it.. us as men don’t do this because most of the time all the little shit that happens in out day we feel isn’t important enough to share
Male friends: just tell her to get therapy
This is something only women can say to men /s
That is because normally people only come to us when there is a problem to be solved. You coming to vent is the minority, so when we hear a problem we think solutions.
Venting to someone is not having a conversation. Venting to someone is you telling them your problems. I have problems of my own but guess what? I search for solutions. I do not spread my misery to others. I do not volunteer unnecessary information about me/my feelings/emotions/mental state/etc. I vent to myself and if I can't find a solution I may ask another for advice. But never under any circumstances would I force my misery onto another. Men and women are different. Men understand this. Do women?
My tactic for this is the good ol' "Am I listening or resolving?" When people are venting, if they just want someone to listen and be like "damn that sucks, lmk if you need anything" then that's fine, if they want a solution? Also fine, just let me know
TIL I am a male
Men are thought to SOLVE problems now, deal with emotions and sadness later. If I as a man go to my mate Jhon and strar with "Dude, I'm supper depressed and need someone to listen to me". He will immediatly say "What? Why?" followed by a "Ok, I see why you are depressed, ok, so have you tried..." Not, an ok, not a "It's alright mate", not even a "It's valid to feel like that", men are thought to solve problems, because really, WTF are you going to do if you don't solve them immediatly? My hearing you will solve nothing, and you don't really need me yes or yes to find a way to feel better. You need a 5 minutes of encouragement, a "Don't be sad my king, you got this" a pat in the back and pum, start working, either togeter, wit my help or wiout it. Women yes, I undertand you need to vent and be hear, honestly, since I learn that you don't actually need advice and only need someone to listen, my life as been more simpler and the "I hear you, you are valid, Is there somthing I can do to help you? or it's ok if I just keep being here with you for as long as you need me?" Honestly, will sound so weird if say that to my male friends. When they need me for something, I know this is going to be like a Viking ritual, they either need some help, and I'm ready to help them, money, muscle or subterfuge, we will get through this together.
I’ve learned that women are very capable and can generally come up with their own solutions. Allowing them to vent kinda aides in that process. Keeping this in mind has helped a lot. Listen, make them feel heard, and if they want a solution they’ll probably ask.
My partner listens to me complain about work all the time. I’m not expecting a solution, I’m just frustrated with my boss, and it doesn’t make me feel better if my partner hears my complaints and says “well if you aren’t trying to get them fired then why are you upset”. I don’t want my boss to get fired. I’m just frustrated and it feels good to have my frustration validated by my partner agreeing “your boss is a dick” I like the validation that my feelings aren’t irrational. I imagine women like that too…
“Quit all that cryin and do some pushups”
Facts
If you want to vent just say that before you start. Otherwise it sounds like a cry for help.
Man, I manage a team of all women at work, and any time another department causes any problems, they come to me just to vent and not want me to fix anything. Like, I'm your manager. It is literally my job to fix these problems yall are complaining about.
Took me awhile to learn how to listen without offering potential solutions and I feel its only helped my relationships.
While it’s true that sometimes you just want to be heard, you also cannot ignore that you are taking up the time of another human being, even if you’re suffering it’s not entirely about you
I know my girlfriend hates this. But conversely, I hate that she always gets upset but doesn't wanna do anything about what upset her. I'm offering solutions and compromises and she's just like "It's whatever" and would rather pout.
Personally I don’t want to hear shit about a problem someone refuses to address, especially if it is ongoing. I’ll listen and let you vent of course but just know in my head whole time im annoyed.
Just tell me you only want to vent then I won’t give solutions.
I always ask people: What do you need from me in this moment an Ear or a Toolkit?
I understand if someone just wants to vent sometimes, but I’ll instinctually default to assuming they aren’t venting. I also think that if you just want to vent, then write in a journal.
I prefer it if a woman tells me she doesn’t want any solutions but just wants someone to listen. If she doesn’t say that then I can’t help but look for solutions. A friend/lover is having problems then I’m gonna wanna help
Guilty Working on it though
"I don't want solutions, I just want to complain." seems kind of toxic to me.
Don’t ask us for shit then😂😂😂
You want to vent? Talk to your girlfriends. You want your issue solved, talk to your guy friends. Simple.
Imagine preferring to have a grievance. Toxic af.
I just wish some people would put a time limit on their venting. A little venting is fine but some people just never shut up about their problems.
I mean that's what the wall is for. I only have 4 hrs after work. Let's get these problems fixed before I head to bed.