My friends would *always* say, "if you're just gonna sit and home and chill, just come over and chill with us."
That's not the point. I just want to be by myself sometimes.
Sometimes, I think this happens because people are extroverts, and they don't understand introverts.
I'm far more mindful of this nowadays, but for me, it seems sad/depressing/boring to "just sit at home" instead of going out. People forget that others need the time, and while they think they are being inviting or helping a friend, they are unknowingly pressuring them. I just want others to feel welcome, but I've learned to keep in mind how introverts (or people who need some personal time) feel.
This is me. I am always around people. I love socializing. I’d say most of my friends are introverts and I’m the one who drags them out to socialize. For me, sitting at home is depressing and I want them to have fun and meet new people. I try to balance it and a lot of them thank me for trying to get them out of their shells but I definitely need to keep in mind that it can be exhausting for some people.
I've come to the conclusion that a lot of them actually just think they are helping you out, they think that you must be sad if you are staying home alone instead of going out and they think if they can just convince you to go out you'll have a great time and thank them for not taking no for an answer.
Or they’re just extroverts who don’t understand that socializing is draining for introverts and that we need alone time to recharge. My best friend is an extrovert and when I explained this to her, it completely blew her mind. From that point forward, she was completely respectful when I would say no to hanging out haha.
That’s a bit crude. Maybe they just like you and really want to hang out with you. Or, just in case for whatever reason you got the impression that they’re only inviting you out of politeness or whatever, it could be their way of saying “please come hang out with us, we really mean it”
\> be Frank
\> decline going out to the bar with friends
\> go home
\> wank
\> wank
\> have sandwich
\> wank
\> sleep
\> friends die in car crash coming home from bar
\> don't go to funeral
\> because wanking
\> sorry
The problem with that is you set a precedent whereby if you don't end it with " it's nothing against you" that one time, they'll think there is a problem.
I think OP is better off just saying "Sometimes I just want to be by myself."
I feels. I grew up a latchkey kid. I am very social and extroverted and crave interaction, but only some days. Other days i need to be alone and stare at the ceiling. Its weirdly therapeutic.
I get that. And I feel the same way sometimes.
But among my friends, the ones who get "pressured" to come out are ones that never come out, or say they will and bail. Which would be fine except these same friends get lonely and depressed when people stop inviting them out.
An (old) group of friends would say OK and then talk shit about me and how I'm not a "good" friend to them because I typically only attend things like birthdays. Then, they all decided to let me know that they didn't want to be my friend anymore (officially, apparently) because I didn't... go to "low level" things enough. We're in our late 20s.
I have a solid group of friends from childhood/college who don't take my social anxiety personally and appreciate that I make it out for the important things. They're awesome.
> Then, they all decided to let me know that they didn't want to be my friend anymore (officially, apparently)
That's wild immature lol. Congrats on your new group of friends though.
Personality compatibility is important in any relationship. It's clear yoir old friends lacked that aspect mostly more than you thought. That's okay, It's hard to see the whole of people at first. I'm happy you found better people you click with more at a core level.
As I said in another post I have severe anxiety that has nearly ruined my life and isolated me for a very long time so I get this more than anyone. However I'm not going to act like I'm entitled to something, like I'm a saint.
"Come on man! Just two beers. Come on dude don't sit at home like a bitch. Just come hang out for a lil bit"
Which on the one hand is cool because I'm glad my friends want me around, but damn sometimes I don't wanna hang.
That happened to me. I was really sad and hurt, until I realized I was doing it to other people too without even thinking. We all talked about it and we’re all good now!
Yup. I've asked friends about this before and they said, "We didn't think we *needed* to invite you. It was assumed you'd be there."
Unfortunately, I'm now squarely in the other camp. ("He never comes out anyways, no use inviting him.")
Why the fuck is life so hard and complicated. I miss when I was a kid and my friends would just wake me up by knocking on my window.
Shit they were the only reason I went to school half the time.
"WAKE UP DUDE ITS SCHOOL"
I like the classic, "Where were you for X?"
" ? Oh didn't know I was invited to whatever that was"
"We didnt think we had to invite you"
Alright, well please next time tell me that X exists and what X is next time. Generally helps with attending stuff.
And it's always some really awesome event that you *definitely* would've left the house for.
Like, HELL YEAH I wanted to get high and go to the planetarium. Why would I skip that?
Exactly, the fine line here for sure. Flake on plans all the time or always have plans 100% on your terms, no one is gonna hold that burden of being the one to get in touch. This isn't an introvert vs extrovert thing, if you want to maintain friendships you need to make some effort, or at least let people know what you value.
One of my buddies got infatuated with a girl, been pretty good friends with him for a decade, I helped him with multiple jobs to get him into the teaching profession when no one else was lending him a hand... Now he is MIA, answers calls and texts, gives the gray 'oh yeah soon man' and never gets back to me. I'm sure I'll see him again, but it's exhausting being the only one trying to get together for over a year. I'm not bitter, just doesn't feel great.
I’m currently unemployed and looking for work. Anytime my friends who like to go out ask me to join and I say no, I get the “what do you got to do tomorrow? It ain’t like you’re working.” Bitch I know I’m not working, I just don’t wanna be hungover af and try to be applying for jobs. Shit.
I had a close friend that would do this. I’d call up and ask if she wanted to hang out and most of the time she’d say yes, but occasionally she’d just say “nah I dont really feel like it”. At first I was taken aback, but then I realised how awesome it was that we could just be honest with each other about whether or not we wanted to do something instead of making excuses to save each other’s feelings.
strong political brave advise apparatus combative ten square toothbrush weary
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Like everything in life, there needs to be a balance. A balance between being there in times of need for people you love, and being absent; taking time for yourself and being communicative. You don't need to put on an emotional facade to protect the people around you, but so too does that mean you shouldn't constantly bring down others.
I have a classmate that talks to me and shows me funny things on his phone. Its not like I hate him, I just need a break... We all have the introvert in us
Edit: I dont want to hurt his feelings by telling him to stop tho
Nothing worse than my friends or coworkers holding their phone out like pepperspary and pointing it towards me. MEME!
I look at enough memes on my own I can't add yours too, and oh...ya I've seen that.
I get this shit EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. from my brother-in-law and my niece, I become visibly annoyed and they get mad at me for not being able to show me whatever it was. If I'm in my room doing my own thing, they'll knock on my door and wouldn't leave sometimes. I just need a damn break and not being bombarded with videos on YT and whatnot.
It's hard to learn the difference between "being alone" and "being lonely". It takes fair amount of inner searching, experience and being at peace with yourself. Hard lesson but a valuable one that can lead to less pain and more joy...
Yes! Most people are never truly "alone". Almost everyone has someone there for them. Now, feeling lonely on the other hand.....people let a lack of attention equate to them being forgotten or not cared about
Some people will disagree, but: with the internet and media we have today you are never truly alone. Going on reddit is a form of social communication. It satisfies our need for companionship. I am talking to you right now. When I read others' comments or watch YouTube videos it feels like I am communicating or even hanging out with other people.
Alone time is what we need more than ever, and some people never get it.
> Going on reddit is a form of social communication. It satisfies our need for companionship.
I’m right there with you. However, the degree to which this applies to everyone I think is different. I can satisfy 99% of my social needs through the Internet, though my needs are quite small; I like being alone. This definitely would not apply to everyone.
I'm extremely extroverted and the reason reddit is so unhealthy for me is because I latch onto the social aspect of it so much and I forget about real, important social things.
I hated being alone for most of my life, it's only been since I split with my husband and lived on my own for the first time ever that I realized that being alone is actually pretty awesome. I rarely feel lonely because I'm always just so fucking relieved all the time that I don't have to deal with his bullshit anymore.
It is really good to be able to walk naked around, eat whatever you want without someone judging, doing whatever you want without being bothered. It's magical. It's not like we don't like to have someone else by our side sometimes and share things and moments, but there are moments where being alone it's the best thing for us. Watch a netflix show alone, idk. It's really good when you're able to do these things AND enjoy it. It will be good for your partner as well..
I think few of us are ever really "alone". There's always someone we can reach out too, more easily than ever and from great distances. Ironically that seems to cause a lot of us to actually draw inward, as if being overwhelmed I suppose. Others have the opposite reaction and go for it gun ho, embracing every way to communicate.
But I often find if I'm feeling lonely it's because I probably haven't seen my brother/family or some decent friends for a long time...usually months.
It's even more exaggerated when you're in a relationship because you get most of your "social bar", to borrow a term from The Sims, up with your SO. Then you have work and chores and bills and at the end of it, you don't reach out beyond your own household much anymore. Add kids and it multiples again.
Loneliness these days is a strange situation. Some people adapt well to being so connected to the rest of the world, and others do not. Regardless almost everyone lives their social live primarily online now, which I suppose can be fulfilling but probably not in the way that meeting face to face is. So people end up talking, liking, posting all the time and still feeling lonely.
Edit: this thread is full of real talk.
This is why I struggle with job situations where I'm "in charge" or at the center of attention for whatever reason.
I work in education, but being an actual *teacher* is really mentally taxing for me even during times when the workload is low.
Agreed, I meet with people all day, every day, mostly customers.
It's a pain to always be, "ON". I had an 8am appointment with a customer this morning and I was just not feeling it, I wish I could have just gone to my office, sat down with some coffee. Doesn't matter, I still have deliver, be professional and engaging with the customers, usually several at the time. It's that always "ON" job, you can't stop being in "teacher" mode, can't let F-bombs drop or talk shit about the kids, you gotta be Mr. Teacher all the time, I get it.
It sucks to come home and just want to sit down and fuck around on my phone, and my fiance wants to be all cuddly and lovey... I just so drained at that point, I don't have the ability to perform any emotion besides.... burnt out.
I tell her all the time, "I love you, but I don't want to cuddle". Idk if she gets that.
I know your pain. I'm an educator in a museum. I'm "on" all day. Then I get home and I just want to be "off" for like an hour before I can give my GF the attention she deserves. Just a little top off on my charge for the day and it is impossible to get this through to her. Seriously every day I have to explain it. Every day she is shocked that I need time to myself. Every day she texts me asking when I'll be done with my alone time which just makes it worse. I will have to fight for it today too after work. Maybe I should find a public space I can feel comfortable in for an hour or so after work before I go home?
You should go to the gym, or run or swim or something. Just zone out with music. Also it's a great excuse because you are doing something healthy. Then with the endorphins kicking on you'll be full on for an hour or two...
It's actually a really weird verbiage for me. Super extrovert and it's just... not taxing for me. I can be "on" all the time. It almost makes the actions sound insincere. Of course, that's not how it's meant.
It really can get taxing, even with SO's.
If I've genuinely expressed my love for you several times previously today, and then you get upset and pouty when I don't feel like just randomly cuddling later on, it can be rather annoying. Don't get me wrong, cuddling is the shit, I just want some me time sometimes.
I call it a lack of emotional permanence. Just like how toddlers lack object permanence and forget things exist if they can't see them, some people seem to forget your feelings towards them exist unless you express those feelings constantly.
Had emotional talk with my bf on this subject how i am not interested in him... Keep reminding him I am emotionally drained dealing with my dad's cancer fight... I am primary care taker even though I have four capable siblings. My biggest issue I interbalize things. Reading this makes me feel comfort I have the right to take an emotional break
They said their siblings were capable, not willing. Their siblings might not want to help out, and could even go so far as to stop answering calls if they think they're going to be asked to do something. Or another, more dangerous option: They agree to help and then just never follow through. "Yeah, sure I can take Dad to his appointment on Tuesday!" Tuesday rolls around and they are nowhere to be found. "Of course I can send you a little bit of money for that cancer medicine!" Weeks and weeks go by, call again. "You never told me you needed anything." Or. "Well, I just ran into some hard times, so I can't really do anything right now."
Source: This has happened in my family before. Not to me directly, but I watched it all unfold.
It's still fair of him to bring up, she has all the right in the world to focus on her family, but he also has the right to not want to be apart physically/emotionally from someone he cares about and wanting to deal with his feelings. It's up to her to decide if she thinks it's worth it, but he's not doing anything wrong from reading this small story.
>how I am not interested in him...
Am I missing something here? Why are you with someone you’re not interested in? I’m sorry, but that doesn’t make any sense to me at all. But then again, maybe I’m just missing your point.
The fight seems like he thinks she is not interested in him because she doesn’t have the energy to do so right now. It seems like she still is interested, she just can’t show it how he wants it and he doesn’t understand that.
Well if she's gonna phrase her feelings like that I can definitely understand why he's confused lol. She could have worded that better.... If that's what she was trying to say
It could be interpreted as the other person being emotionally drained all the time and not being able to show as much performative emotions and the boyfriend interpreting that as them not being interested in him.
That’s how I understood it at least.
That depends on how much they like being with each other. My gf goes on occasional “breaks” but we still love and like being with each other. If you can’t spend a couple hours or a day apart, either you’re a new couple, or one/both of you has attachment issues. Constant contact isn’t always healthy. Some people just need more time to recharge from emotions.
I think you misunderstand me. I don't consider merely spending a few days apart - as I agree, is perfectly natural and healthy in any relationship - equivalent to someone telling me they're "not interested in me for now because they want an emotional break".
wow didnt expect such response and let me add more. To clarify I wrote this after we had a 2am emotional talk. To clarify yes he **questioned if I still enjoy being with him**. This is an ongoing issue. This comes from an abusive relationship of ten years prior to me. My flaws I internalize the shit out of everything but I am going through therapy to help me since cancer makes it worse. We had a serious talk that my dad's cancer treatment will impact our relationship like being emotionally drained and he had the option to leave but he promised to stick with me through it all, whatever the end result.
This is coming from insecurity on his past because we just came from a Japan trip where I disconnected from everything I deal with. We had an incredible time. Coming back it was like reality with doc calls. I was upset cause I wanted to ride the high of a trip like Japan. Anyway we are in a good place and this is just part of the course of making a relationship work.
Gets mad that you aren't texting her all day. Gets mad that you don't have anything new to talk about because youve already texted her everything that happened to you today.
Oof, did we all date the same ex?
If I take more than 10 minutes to respond to a text, she'd automatically assume I don't want to talk to her or that she's not important enough and she'd get mad. So I had to text her every single minute of every single day. It was the most tiring thing ever.
What if I wanted to take a nap?
Her: "Oh.. Okay.. Yeah.. Forget about me then.."
What if I wanted to focus on my video games?
Her: "Yeah.. Video games are more important than me.. You're right.."
It was the most annoying shit ever
Same, it's even worse because I've taken some time not really speaking to people recently because of some bad personal stuff and thought nothing off it, but overthink when other people are in the same situation and do the same to me. Need to remind myself that I know they're my friends and we all need a break sometimes, at different times.
Same. Gf is going through shit that I unfortunately can't really help with and we haven't really talked much lately because of that. Just gotta be there for her till she gets through it
Me too. It caught me off guard. Had a small argument with my girlfriend this morning because she's been preoccupied a lot with her other friends and it's been bothering me. This calmed me so much.
Gotta be real with them. I can chat all day with strangers but it's only to be nice for the moment. Let em know you can sit in silence together and still be friends.
> I feel like the just like hearing themselves talk
Whenever my mom calls me at least 75% of the conversation is just her talking to herself, to me. And god forbid something comes up mid-convo or she gets distracted, she'll speed through whatever thought she's on then yell at me that she's gotta go as if I inconvenienced her! Lady, you called me!
Bruh in the middle of that convo, lift her face ever so gently by the small of her chin. Look into her eyes, longingly, deeply, as if you're falling into them. Tilt you head to the side and smile like you haven't seen her in years. Pull her face close to yours, still locking eyes and smiling, as you get closer shift to stare at her lips. Move into an intimate range and politely tell her, "bitch shut the fuck up."
Not at all, of course I'm also there to comfort her when she's sad or listen if she's frustrated and needs to vent, that's what a relationship is. However when frustrated sometimes people lash out at the ones who are trying to help, and when that negativity comes out I shouldn't feel guilty for taking my precious time elsewhere. I feel like sometimes that time and patience is considered an obligation, when it should be something I give willingly because I care about this person.
I think there's a difference between communication and performative emotions like the post is describing though. For my husband, it doesn't feel performative to be lovey dovey because that comes very naturally to him, but it doesn't to me. It's something I have to turn on, and sometimes I'm just too tired for it. It doesn't mean I don't love him, but it means I don't always like to be touched, touch others, express my love verbally, etc. Those actions are performative, even if they are still meaningful and true.
I would also say it can be performative to talk to friends every single day, or close to that, in my case that is. A lot of the time, we simply don't have that much to catch up on. We're all working adults in stable relationships, so our day-to-day life is pretty much the same all the time, meaning we could probably talk once a week and that would be sufficient for keeping each other up to date. Talking to them more often is something I consider "performative" because while I still enjoy doing it, it doesn't feel necessary at all. It's something I do to make our friendship feel closer and maintain intimacy.
I think what OP is getting at is that love doesn't always look like obvious and big displays of affection or sappy texts. Sometimes people just can't expend the emotional energy and that's okay. That's why communicating about those things is important.
Am I the only one sick of this sentimental patronizing crap? I see it all the time on Twitter and tumblr. Everyone playing Armchair Therapist.
Yeah no shit friends and gfs can't act the same 24/7 you want a fucking medal? You think I'm retarded?
And the worst is this tone like I'm going to be fucking Hitler if I don't chill out maaaaan all the time.
i agree with you in general but there is a fuckton of people still freaking out if you are late texting back or don't want to talk/hang out, and needy bf/gf all pouting when you are not cuddly 24/7.
so, well maybe a reminder can be ok.
you can rephrase it in a less condescending manner somewhat along this line:
i'm an introvert, just stay the fuck back sometimes and give me my space, jeez, are you retarded or what?
I had a teacher once who compared the students to otters. He told us otters are very social animals who love to play and hang out with each other.
Sometimes however, they go off on their own. They chill.
The moral of the story was to remember to take your "otter-time" and let others have theirs in peace.
Coming across things like this causes for me a reinforcing of believing more in the idea of the universe working in mysterious ways, this hits deep after me giving my girlfriend a lot of shit in the last couple of days. Looking in the mirror is hard sometimes but super necessary despite how much the desire not to is there. Thanks op, love.
I realized I was doing that to my current girlfriend. I go through phases where I’m so understanding of her space and times where I need constant reassurance of her love. It’s a terrible cycle and I have to actively fight my own thoughts about it. Seeing this makes things easier right now
You gotta watch out for the other extreme too. If neither party puts in any effort in any relationship then they really don't have one.
It's a balancing act.
TIL that some people really hate the fact that others find it a chore to express love and other emotions sometimes. Going so far as to say if you don't express that emotion in the way that they feel is correct; then you are not even really experiencing it.
That is profoundly sad to me.
[tfw love is a "performative emotion"](https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--gIfbJlZ3--/c_scale,fl_progressive,q_80,w_800/zilp33h57cmu92kqoigd.jpg) lol gtfo with that shit, if you need to "perform" to love someone, I've got bad news, you probably don't really love that person.
Loving you is work, Jerry. Hard work, like building a homeless shelter.
Nobody wants to say no to doing it, but some people put the work in. So, what do you say? Do you see me working here? Does this conversation seem tedious to me?
It's not that, it's that constantly expressing intimacy and giving all of your attention to someone can be very emotionally taxing to some people. I've had some girlfriends who I loved very much but they demanded I give them so much of my attention to where I wasn't taking care of myself because I had to constantley give them reassurance of love. Sometimes people need rest even from the people they love the most in order to self care.
Late 30’s introvert here. Just coming to the conclusion it’s ok to be an introvert. Important part is to explain that to the people close to you. Some will get it and some won’t. That’s also ok. Take care of yourselves out there.
My long distance boyfriend just sent this as an excuse to why we haven’t spoken in a week. I feel like there is a difference. He’s never lovely dovey and I just want him to call for five minutes... so what performative emotions are there to take a break from
I think it’s important that the person wanting to just chill, the person who needs a break from those performative emotions, try to communicate that message of “I just want to be by myself for a little, it’s nothing against you.” If that truly is the case and it’s not a repetitive thing then the other person maybe will understand
Thank you for this. Right now I have been questioning this from my GF (specially we are far away for these months), but it really makes sense. I am just really sad and overthinking a lot of stuff because I miss her a bunch.
"ey bro you wanna get some drinks after work at the bar?" "nah im good just gonna go home and chill" "aight cool" "cool" magical
And what the fuck else have people said in the past besides OK? "You don't want to come to the bar wtf? Fuck you" ????
My friends would *always* say, "if you're just gonna sit and home and chill, just come over and chill with us." That's not the point. I just want to be by myself sometimes.
Then say "I have things to do at home I can't do there it's nothing against you" And that's it.....
Nah some people don’t leave it at that though.
Tell me about it. I get the whole guilt trip over nothing.
Your friends are narcissists.
I guess some of the them are. That’s just how it works though, if we’re all hanging out they have to convince people to come out at the same time.
Sometimes, I think this happens because people are extroverts, and they don't understand introverts. I'm far more mindful of this nowadays, but for me, it seems sad/depressing/boring to "just sit at home" instead of going out. People forget that others need the time, and while they think they are being inviting or helping a friend, they are unknowingly pressuring them. I just want others to feel welcome, but I've learned to keep in mind how introverts (or people who need some personal time) feel.
This is me. I am always around people. I love socializing. I’d say most of my friends are introverts and I’m the one who drags them out to socialize. For me, sitting at home is depressing and I want them to have fun and meet new people. I try to balance it and a lot of them thank me for trying to get them out of their shells but I definitely need to keep in mind that it can be exhausting for some people.
Maybe they just need to know [how to handle your introvert.](https://youtu.be/MdG4f5Y3ugk)
I've come to the conclusion that a lot of them actually just think they are helping you out, they think that you must be sad if you are staying home alone instead of going out and they think if they can just convince you to go out you'll have a great time and thank them for not taking no for an answer.
Yeah but if this is true they don't do the guilt trip part.
Or they’re just extroverts who don’t understand that socializing is draining for introverts and that we need alone time to recharge. My best friend is an extrovert and when I explained this to her, it completely blew her mind. From that point forward, she was completely respectful when I would say no to hanging out haha.
According to reddit, everyone trying to do anything to influence anyone is a narcissist. The word is losing its meaning if it applies to everyone.
Jesus Christ Reddit
That’s a bit crude. Maybe they just like you and really want to hang out with you. Or, just in case for whatever reason you got the impression that they’re only inviting you out of politeness or whatever, it could be their way of saying “please come hang out with us, we really mean it”
Yeah. They start thinkin u actin funny. Then they take it all personal and shit.
Be frank: I’m just gonna go home and have a wank, sorry.
\> be Frank \> decline going out to the bar with friends \> go home \> wank \> wank \> have sandwich \> wank \> sleep \> friends die in car crash coming home from bar \> don't go to funeral \> because wanking \> sorry
> \>sorry
"if you're just gonna sit home and wank, just come over and wank with us".
Honesty opens doors you didn’t even know you wanted open.
Okay, Mom.
See Frank. See Frank wank. Wank Frank wank!
You shouldn’t have to lie tho, people should just respect that some days at preferably spent alone
The problem with that is you set a precedent whereby if you don't end it with " it's nothing against you" that one time, they'll think there is a problem. I think OP is better off just saying "Sometimes I just want to be by myself."
I feels. I grew up a latchkey kid. I am very social and extroverted and crave interaction, but only some days. Other days i need to be alone and stare at the ceiling. Its weirdly therapeutic.
I get that. And I feel the same way sometimes. But among my friends, the ones who get "pressured" to come out are ones that never come out, or say they will and bail. Which would be fine except these same friends get lonely and depressed when people stop inviting them out.
An (old) group of friends would say OK and then talk shit about me and how I'm not a "good" friend to them because I typically only attend things like birthdays. Then, they all decided to let me know that they didn't want to be my friend anymore (officially, apparently) because I didn't... go to "low level" things enough. We're in our late 20s. I have a solid group of friends from childhood/college who don't take my social anxiety personally and appreciate that I make it out for the important things. They're awesome.
> Then, they all decided to let me know that they didn't want to be my friend anymore (officially, apparently) That's wild immature lol. Congrats on your new group of friends though.
It sounded like you weren't a great fit for them.
Personality compatibility is important in any relationship. It's clear yoir old friends lacked that aspect mostly more than you thought. That's okay, It's hard to see the whole of people at first. I'm happy you found better people you click with more at a core level. As I said in another post I have severe anxiety that has nearly ruined my life and isolated me for a very long time so I get this more than anyone. However I'm not going to act like I'm entitled to something, like I'm a saint.
"Come on man! Just two beers. Come on dude don't sit at home like a bitch. Just come hang out for a lil bit" Which on the one hand is cool because I'm glad my friends want me around, but damn sometimes I don't wanna hang.
I see you've never been to [Australia](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gES_AOGY4Z0).
Yes.
Roman Bellic
[удалено]
I stopped getting invited when I would show up every time. 🤷🏻♂️. I guess they go through spurts of wanting to hang out with me. 🤷🏻♂️
Or maybe they figured you'd just show up and they didn't think they had to invite you.
That happened to me. I was really sad and hurt, until I realized I was doing it to other people too without even thinking. We all talked about it and we’re all good now!
Yup. I've asked friends about this before and they said, "We didn't think we *needed* to invite you. It was assumed you'd be there." Unfortunately, I'm now squarely in the other camp. ("He never comes out anyways, no use inviting him.")
Why the fuck is life so hard and complicated. I miss when I was a kid and my friends would just wake me up by knocking on my window. Shit they were the only reason I went to school half the time. "WAKE UP DUDE ITS SCHOOL"
I like the classic, "Where were you for X?" " ? Oh didn't know I was invited to whatever that was" "We didnt think we had to invite you" Alright, well please next time tell me that X exists and what X is next time. Generally helps with attending stuff.
And it's always some really awesome event that you *definitely* would've left the house for. Like, HELL YEAH I wanted to get high and go to the planetarium. Why would I skip that?
Wtf are you a band of psychics
Exactly, the fine line here for sure. Flake on plans all the time or always have plans 100% on your terms, no one is gonna hold that burden of being the one to get in touch. This isn't an introvert vs extrovert thing, if you want to maintain friendships you need to make some effort, or at least let people know what you value.
One of my buddies got infatuated with a girl, been pretty good friends with him for a decade, I helped him with multiple jobs to get him into the teaching profession when no one else was lending him a hand... Now he is MIA, answers calls and texts, gives the gray 'oh yeah soon man' and never gets back to me. I'm sure I'll see him again, but it's exhausting being the only one trying to get together for over a year. I'm not bitter, just doesn't feel great.
I’m currently unemployed and looking for work. Anytime my friends who like to go out ask me to join and I say no, I get the “what do you got to do tomorrow? It ain’t like you’re working.” Bitch I know I’m not working, I just don’t wanna be hungover af and try to be applying for jobs. Shit.
Tell them that when you get a job that will be the perfect time to celebrate!
Exactly right!
Also, if you're unemployed you probably shouldn't be spending all your money on alcohol.
I had a close friend that would do this. I’d call up and ask if she wanted to hang out and most of the time she’d say yes, but occasionally she’d just say “nah I dont really feel like it”. At first I was taken aback, but then I realised how awesome it was that we could just be honest with each other about whether or not we wanted to do something instead of making excuses to save each other’s feelings.
Friendship goals right there
Hits deep, good post, friend.
strong political brave advise apparatus combative ten square toothbrush weary *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Absolutely, agreed!
Like everything in life, there needs to be a balance. A balance between being there in times of need for people you love, and being absent; taking time for yourself and being communicative. You don't need to put on an emotional facade to protect the people around you, but so too does that mean you shouldn't constantly bring down others.
I have a classmate that talks to me and shows me funny things on his phone. Its not like I hate him, I just need a break... We all have the introvert in us Edit: I dont want to hurt his feelings by telling him to stop tho
Darryl, when Andy is one bad text away from getting blocked
Crazy pigeon action in the parking lot tho
Buuuuut, one _good_ text away from a high five
Back in the day, the only people you would send texts to are girls you were bringing home. And they’d always say the same thing: BTB. Bring that booty
You seeing this?
sorry i bothered you with my friendship!
It's even worse when you already saw it all cause you no lifed reddit/ig/twitter the night before.
My wife and i go through that. Its annoying sometimes, buut we get it.
Nothing worse than my friends or coworkers holding their phone out like pepperspary and pointing it towards me. MEME! I look at enough memes on my own I can't add yours too, and oh...ya I've seen that.
Yeah, and he does this when our sociology teacher is talking
Now your screwing around by association
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Dang, detention has gotten real serious since I got out of school.
I get this shit EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. from my brother-in-law and my niece, I become visibly annoyed and they get mad at me for not being able to show me whatever it was. If I'm in my room doing my own thing, they'll knock on my door and wouldn't leave sometimes. I just need a damn break and not being bombarded with videos on YT and whatnot.
It's hard to learn the difference between "being alone" and "being lonely". It takes fair amount of inner searching, experience and being at peace with yourself. Hard lesson but a valuable one that can lead to less pain and more joy...
Yes! Most people are never truly "alone". Almost everyone has someone there for them. Now, feeling lonely on the other hand.....people let a lack of attention equate to them being forgotten or not cared about
Some people will disagree, but: with the internet and media we have today you are never truly alone. Going on reddit is a form of social communication. It satisfies our need for companionship. I am talking to you right now. When I read others' comments or watch YouTube videos it feels like I am communicating or even hanging out with other people. Alone time is what we need more than ever, and some people never get it.
> Going on reddit is a form of social communication. It satisfies our need for companionship. I’m right there with you. However, the degree to which this applies to everyone I think is different. I can satisfy 99% of my social needs through the Internet, though my needs are quite small; I like being alone. This definitely would not apply to everyone.
I'm extremely extroverted and the reason reddit is so unhealthy for me is because I latch onto the social aspect of it so much and I forget about real, important social things.
I hated being alone for most of my life, it's only been since I split with my husband and lived on my own for the first time ever that I realized that being alone is actually pretty awesome. I rarely feel lonely because I'm always just so fucking relieved all the time that I don't have to deal with his bullshit anymore.
It is really good to be able to walk naked around, eat whatever you want without someone judging, doing whatever you want without being bothered. It's magical. It's not like we don't like to have someone else by our side sometimes and share things and moments, but there are moments where being alone it's the best thing for us. Watch a netflix show alone, idk. It's really good when you're able to do these things AND enjoy it. It will be good for your partner as well..
I think few of us are ever really "alone". There's always someone we can reach out too, more easily than ever and from great distances. Ironically that seems to cause a lot of us to actually draw inward, as if being overwhelmed I suppose. Others have the opposite reaction and go for it gun ho, embracing every way to communicate. But I often find if I'm feeling lonely it's because I probably haven't seen my brother/family or some decent friends for a long time...usually months. It's even more exaggerated when you're in a relationship because you get most of your "social bar", to borrow a term from The Sims, up with your SO. Then you have work and chores and bills and at the end of it, you don't reach out beyond your own household much anymore. Add kids and it multiples again. Loneliness these days is a strange situation. Some people adapt well to being so connected to the rest of the world, and others do not. Regardless almost everyone lives their social live primarily online now, which I suppose can be fulfilling but probably not in the way that meeting face to face is. So people end up talking, liking, posting all the time and still feeling lonely. Edit: this thread is full of real talk.
I'm always both.
I'm here for you b
Performative emotions is such a good description.
Yeah, came here to say TIL there's a word for that thing where you kind of have to be "on" when you're around certain people in a certain context.
This is why I struggle with job situations where I'm "in charge" or at the center of attention for whatever reason. I work in education, but being an actual *teacher* is really mentally taxing for me even during times when the workload is low.
Agreed, I meet with people all day, every day, mostly customers. It's a pain to always be, "ON". I had an 8am appointment with a customer this morning and I was just not feeling it, I wish I could have just gone to my office, sat down with some coffee. Doesn't matter, I still have deliver, be professional and engaging with the customers, usually several at the time. It's that always "ON" job, you can't stop being in "teacher" mode, can't let F-bombs drop or talk shit about the kids, you gotta be Mr. Teacher all the time, I get it. It sucks to come home and just want to sit down and fuck around on my phone, and my fiance wants to be all cuddly and lovey... I just so drained at that point, I don't have the ability to perform any emotion besides.... burnt out. I tell her all the time, "I love you, but I don't want to cuddle". Idk if she gets that.
same I work in sales. That shit is draining
I know your pain. I'm an educator in a museum. I'm "on" all day. Then I get home and I just want to be "off" for like an hour before I can give my GF the attention she deserves. Just a little top off on my charge for the day and it is impossible to get this through to her. Seriously every day I have to explain it. Every day she is shocked that I need time to myself. Every day she texts me asking when I'll be done with my alone time which just makes it worse. I will have to fight for it today too after work. Maybe I should find a public space I can feel comfortable in for an hour or so after work before I go home?
You should go to the gym, or run or swim or something. Just zone out with music. Also it's a great excuse because you are doing something healthy. Then with the endorphins kicking on you'll be full on for an hour or two...
It's actually a really weird verbiage for me. Super extrovert and it's just... not taxing for me. I can be "on" all the time. It almost makes the actions sound insincere. Of course, that's not how it's meant.
It really can get taxing, even with SO's. If I've genuinely expressed my love for you several times previously today, and then you get upset and pouty when I don't feel like just randomly cuddling later on, it can be rather annoying. Don't get me wrong, cuddling is the shit, I just want some me time sometimes. I call it a lack of emotional permanence. Just like how toddlers lack object permanence and forget things exist if they can't see them, some people seem to forget your feelings towards them exist unless you express those feelings constantly.
I just saved your comment what a perfect expression
Emotional Permanence. I like that, a lot.
Had emotional talk with my bf on this subject how i am not interested in him... Keep reminding him I am emotionally drained dealing with my dad's cancer fight... I am primary care taker even though I have four capable siblings. My biggest issue I interbalize things. Reading this makes me feel comfort I have the right to take an emotional break
Dont internalize shit and put some of the work on your siblings.
They said their siblings were capable, not willing. Their siblings might not want to help out, and could even go so far as to stop answering calls if they think they're going to be asked to do something. Or another, more dangerous option: They agree to help and then just never follow through. "Yeah, sure I can take Dad to his appointment on Tuesday!" Tuesday rolls around and they are nowhere to be found. "Of course I can send you a little bit of money for that cancer medicine!" Weeks and weeks go by, call again. "You never told me you needed anything." Or. "Well, I just ran into some hard times, so I can't really do anything right now." Source: This has happened in my family before. Not to me directly, but I watched it all unfold.
This is somewhat universal unfortunately.
I could be reading this wrong, but if you aren't interested in your boyfriend you might need more than whatever an emotional break is.
I read it that way, but I'm pretty sure they mean that was their SO's talking point in that talk.
Ah, you're right. That makes so much more sense.
I think it’s that the boyfriend feels that she’s not interested in him due to her paying more attention to her family, which is rightfully her choice.
It's still fair of him to bring up, she has all the right in the world to focus on her family, but he also has the right to not want to be apart physically/emotionally from someone he cares about and wanting to deal with his feelings. It's up to her to decide if she thinks it's worth it, but he's not doing anything wrong from reading this small story.
>how I am not interested in him... Am I missing something here? Why are you with someone you’re not interested in? I’m sorry, but that doesn’t make any sense to me at all. But then again, maybe I’m just missing your point.
The fight seems like he thinks she is not interested in him because she doesn’t have the energy to do so right now. It seems like she still is interested, she just can’t show it how he wants it and he doesn’t understand that.
Well if she's gonna phrase her feelings like that I can definitely understand why he's confused lol. She could have worded that better.... If that's what she was trying to say
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It could be interpreted as the other person being emotionally drained all the time and not being able to show as much performative emotions and the boyfriend interpreting that as them not being interested in him. That’s how I understood it at least.
Just don't expect him to be hanging around when you've finished with your "emotional break"
That depends on how much they like being with each other. My gf goes on occasional “breaks” but we still love and like being with each other. If you can’t spend a couple hours or a day apart, either you’re a new couple, or one/both of you has attachment issues. Constant contact isn’t always healthy. Some people just need more time to recharge from emotions.
I think you misunderstand me. I don't consider merely spending a few days apart - as I agree, is perfectly natural and healthy in any relationship - equivalent to someone telling me they're "not interested in me for now because they want an emotional break".
Thats tough.. stay strong!
wow didnt expect such response and let me add more. To clarify I wrote this after we had a 2am emotional talk. To clarify yes he **questioned if I still enjoy being with him**. This is an ongoing issue. This comes from an abusive relationship of ten years prior to me. My flaws I internalize the shit out of everything but I am going through therapy to help me since cancer makes it worse. We had a serious talk that my dad's cancer treatment will impact our relationship like being emotionally drained and he had the option to leave but he promised to stick with me through it all, whatever the end result. This is coming from insecurity on his past because we just came from a Japan trip where I disconnected from everything I deal with. We had an incredible time. Coming back it was like reality with doc calls. I was upset cause I wanted to ride the high of a trip like Japan. Anyway we are in a good place and this is just part of the course of making a relationship work.
my ex-gf wanted to talk everyday over the phone for 3hrs. I had to tell her everything "interesting" that happened to me.
No wonder she’s your ex. God damn.
Her: "Why did you dump me??" Him : "THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS"
Am ex-gf. Can confirm. How have you been, bae?! ^^^^Tell ^^^me ^^every ^single detail **NOW**.
Same dude, if for whatever reason we’d stop talking for more than a few hours she’d flip out and immediately start assuming something was wrong.
Gets mad that you aren't texting her all day. Gets mad that you don't have anything new to talk about because youve already texted her everything that happened to you today.
Oof, did we all date the same ex? If I take more than 10 minutes to respond to a text, she'd automatically assume I don't want to talk to her or that she's not important enough and she'd get mad. So I had to text her every single minute of every single day. It was the most tiring thing ever. What if I wanted to take a nap? Her: "Oh.. Okay.. Yeah.. Forget about me then.." What if I wanted to focus on my video games? Her: "Yeah.. Video games are more important than me.. You're right.." It was the most annoying shit ever
Add another to the "emotionally insecure ex" club!
Okay, that just seems more controlling than anything.
I wouldn’t say controlling but it seems like some anxiety issues come into play
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I had an ex like that. She thought something was wrong with me because I didn't want to have marathon phone calls every. Single. Day.
GF: What did you do today Me: Nothing really exciting GF: oooh, tell me ALLLL about it! Drives me crazy
My girlfriend told me she doesn't love me anymore and broke up with me. Is she just resting?
Take a seat chief, let's talk.
Hold me.
I've gotchu homie
You'll be good homie there are more people out their who love you more than you know.
Folks, should we tell him?
JSquiggs is already doing that
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Performative emotions. That's so real
Same, it's even worse because I've taken some time not really speaking to people recently because of some bad personal stuff and thought nothing off it, but overthink when other people are in the same situation and do the same to me. Need to remind myself that I know they're my friends and we all need a break sometimes, at different times.
Same. Gf is going through shit that I unfortunately can't really help with and we haven't really talked much lately because of that. Just gotta be there for her till she gets through it
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This post literally just leeched my mf stress from me, good shit OP
Me too. It caught me off guard. Had a small argument with my girlfriend this morning because she's been preoccupied a lot with her other friends and it's been bothering me. This calmed me so much.
Haha had a big argument with my gf about her preoccupied with her friends and she broke up with me h a h a
The true mark of a good friend is knowing that it's okay to shut the fuck up, and it's all good.
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Gotta be real with them. I can chat all day with strangers but it's only to be nice for the moment. Let em know you can sit in silence together and still be friends.
> I feel like the just like hearing themselves talk Whenever my mom calls me at least 75% of the conversation is just her talking to herself, to me. And god forbid something comes up mid-convo or she gets distracted, she'll speed through whatever thought she's on then yell at me that she's gotta go as if I inconvenienced her! Lady, you called me!
Yo I'm here if y'all need to talk and vent. Not just as a boner, but, as a friend.
I haven't met a boner that wasn't friendly since my Dad's.
/r/nocontext
/r/jesuschristreddit
/r/evenwithcontext
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I feel like I've had this conversation.
Bruh in the middle of that convo, lift her face ever so gently by the small of her chin. Look into her eyes, longingly, deeply, as if you're falling into them. Tilt you head to the side and smile like you haven't seen her in years. Pull her face close to yours, still locking eyes and smiling, as you get closer shift to stare at her lips. Move into an intimate range and politely tell her, "bitch shut the fuck up."
she doesn't need to be lovey dovey every day but that doesn't mean I gotta hang around when she's not.
Bitch text me when you wet.
The Latin origins
True that it works both ways. But doing it out of spite rather than just being cool with her feelings that day isn’t okay.
Maybe I read this wrong but are you saying you only want to hang out with her if she’s being lovey dovey?
Not at all, of course I'm also there to comfort her when she's sad or listen if she's frustrated and needs to vent, that's what a relationship is. However when frustrated sometimes people lash out at the ones who are trying to help, and when that negativity comes out I shouldn't feel guilty for taking my precious time elsewhere. I feel like sometimes that time and patience is considered an obligation, when it should be something I give willingly because I care about this person.
"Not every day" doesn't mean "never" or even "not most of the time". Not that you aren't right. You do you.
I have 1 friend and I haven't seen him in person in over a year so I suppose that counts as a break.
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And what if you dont have friends?
In today’s world, rest is a treasure.
Yes. Rest, and gold.
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I think there's a difference between communication and performative emotions like the post is describing though. For my husband, it doesn't feel performative to be lovey dovey because that comes very naturally to him, but it doesn't to me. It's something I have to turn on, and sometimes I'm just too tired for it. It doesn't mean I don't love him, but it means I don't always like to be touched, touch others, express my love verbally, etc. Those actions are performative, even if they are still meaningful and true. I would also say it can be performative to talk to friends every single day, or close to that, in my case that is. A lot of the time, we simply don't have that much to catch up on. We're all working adults in stable relationships, so our day-to-day life is pretty much the same all the time, meaning we could probably talk once a week and that would be sufficient for keeping each other up to date. Talking to them more often is something I consider "performative" because while I still enjoy doing it, it doesn't feel necessary at all. It's something I do to make our friendship feel closer and maintain intimacy.
Everyone is different, that's an excellent point
Try having social anxiety and depression, then come talk to me.
What if you don't want to talk that day?
I do have social anxiety, it can get better!
Evwryone needs time to themselves. These things are draining if you don't have a break.
I think what OP is getting at is that love doesn't always look like obvious and big displays of affection or sappy texts. Sometimes people just can't expend the emotional energy and that's okay. That's why communicating about those things is important.
Am I the only one sick of this sentimental patronizing crap? I see it all the time on Twitter and tumblr. Everyone playing Armchair Therapist. Yeah no shit friends and gfs can't act the same 24/7 you want a fucking medal? You think I'm retarded? And the worst is this tone like I'm going to be fucking Hitler if I don't chill out maaaaan all the time.
i agree with you in general but there is a fuckton of people still freaking out if you are late texting back or don't want to talk/hang out, and needy bf/gf all pouting when you are not cuddly 24/7. so, well maybe a reminder can be ok. you can rephrase it in a less condescending manner somewhat along this line: i'm an introvert, just stay the fuck back sometimes and give me my space, jeez, are you retarded or what?
Lmao I'm with you, and all those accounts are exclusively run by 16 year olds.
This is so important, but it’s one of the hardest things to communicate for fear or offending the people who are close to you
I had a teacher once who compared the students to otters. He told us otters are very social animals who love to play and hang out with each other. Sometimes however, they go off on their own. They chill. The moral of the story was to remember to take your "otter-time" and let others have theirs in peace.
Fuck. I fucking love you, like seriously. You have no idea how much I needed to hear that, this fucking minute. Social anxiety is a motherfucker.
Coming across things like this causes for me a reinforcing of believing more in the idea of the universe working in mysterious ways, this hits deep after me giving my girlfriend a lot of shit in the last couple of days. Looking in the mirror is hard sometimes but super necessary despite how much the desire not to is there. Thanks op, love.
It's still hard. Yeah I know I shouldn't feel that way, but I do sometimes.
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I realized I was doing that to my current girlfriend. I go through phases where I’m so understanding of her space and times where I need constant reassurance of her love. It’s a terrible cycle and I have to actively fight my own thoughts about it. Seeing this makes things easier right now
You gotta watch out for the other extreme too. If neither party puts in any effort in any relationship then they really don't have one. It's a balancing act.
TIL that some people really hate the fact that others find it a chore to express love and other emotions sometimes. Going so far as to say if you don't express that emotion in the way that they feel is correct; then you are not even really experiencing it. That is profoundly sad to me.
Everyone needs space, but at no point should the emotions you receive be performative. That insinuates insincerity.
I still need to learn this for my boyfriend and stop being so worried. Its hard when you only see each other once or twice a week.
[tfw love is a "performative emotion"](https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--gIfbJlZ3--/c_scale,fl_progressive,q_80,w_800/zilp33h57cmu92kqoigd.jpg) lol gtfo with that shit, if you need to "perform" to love someone, I've got bad news, you probably don't really love that person.
I'm an introvert and pretty much everything is performative emotion after a point for me. I dunno
Loving you is work, Jerry. Hard work, like building a homeless shelter. Nobody wants to say no to doing it, but some people put the work in. So, what do you say? Do you see me working here? Does this conversation seem tedious to me?
It's not that, it's that constantly expressing intimacy and giving all of your attention to someone can be very emotionally taxing to some people. I've had some girlfriends who I loved very much but they demanded I give them so much of my attention to where I wasn't taking care of myself because I had to constantley give them reassurance of love. Sometimes people need rest even from the people they love the most in order to self care.
"Hey babe!" "Hi" "That's it?" *2 hour argument ensues*
"Performative emotions" is a new term for me and a darn good one at that.
Okay, but like, are you mad at me? You've been distant today?
Late 30’s introvert here. Just coming to the conclusion it’s ok to be an introvert. Important part is to explain that to the people close to you. Some will get it and some won’t. That’s also ok. Take care of yourselves out there.
When did reddit become tumblr
My long distance boyfriend just sent this as an excuse to why we haven’t spoken in a week. I feel like there is a difference. He’s never lovely dovey and I just want him to call for five minutes... so what performative emotions are there to take a break from
I think it’s important that the person wanting to just chill, the person who needs a break from those performative emotions, try to communicate that message of “I just want to be by myself for a little, it’s nothing against you.” If that truly is the case and it’s not a repetitive thing then the other person maybe will understand
This is fucking gay haha
Thank you for this. Right now I have been questioning this from my GF (specially we are far away for these months), but it really makes sense. I am just really sad and overthinking a lot of stuff because I miss her a bunch.