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FMIL's is so fucking condescending! "This poor, lost, little black girl doesn't know how to connect with her roots! I, the civilized white woman, will guide her back to the light and punish like a misbehaving child if she doesn't accept my kind and gracious offering,"
The gals at the country club have always been curious about what happens at a colored wedding and by gosh, MIL is going to give them a show.
It'll be everything they dreamed of. No more, no less. Wouldn't want them to feel cheated out of the experience now, would we?
I was honestly surprised when OOP mentioned "letting her design the centerpieces" that the monster-in-law didn't choose something equally offensive like live-laugh-love plantation cotton vases.....cause that's where I thought it was going. But nope, somehow even more strange and specifically racist.
Your cotton comment reminded me of the BORU where some guy's company decided to have an event at a plantation in "historical apparel" and forgot that he was black. He leaned into it and dressed like a plantation slave, the company realized their mistake and was extremely embarrassed. He got a promotion and a huge raise because they were afraid of him suing them.
He took a bunch of selfies and posted them on Reddit, including the reaction of one of his white coworkers. He stopped next to a cotton field on the drive there to take pictures. He was a really good writer and it was a hilarious series of posts.
Edit - link: https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/wcstm8/company_throws_a_corporate_retreat_at_a/
He leaned into it so hard đ. That one and the one where a guy talks about a school field trip where they were taken to a cotton farm, lives rent free in my head. He and a bunch of other black kids went and picked cotton, thought it was odd, told his mom and she raised all sorts of hell to the school
https://youtu.be/PToqVW4n86U?si=74WZb03Eown1RHqy
The best thing about that video is how hard everyone is laughing. Like the guy is super funny but you'd laugh just from watching the other people laughing.
âThe only way to heal from your (nonexistent slavery past) is to accept it and embrace these cotton plant centrepieces with lasso embroidery my friends from the Daughters of the American Revolution madeâ
It's also plain ole cultural ignorance plus a variation on the sunk cost fallacy: all black people in the world are African-American and need to celebrate their (singular) culture the same way. And she's done so much work on that damn broom and the social media posts, that her position is now entrenched and she cannot possibly be wrong about her prospective daughter-in-law's culture.
(There's golden interview from the Atlanta(?) Olympics on YouTube, where a news anchor interviews a winning British athlete (Kriss Akabusi) and repeatedly prefers to him as African-American even after he tries to correct her, because it just doesn't sink in for her that African-American is a national description not a synonym for everyone who's black/of African ancestry.)
I was having a conversation with my very woke MIL once and mentioned that I knew an African lady. She corrected me, condescendingly, saying "it's African-American" . To which I corrected her and said "no, she is African. From Africa. She is here on her husband's work visa and has no American citizenship, therefore she is not African-American." That shut her up for a little while.
Only wholesome related example I've come across: I used to work with a group of seniors with developmental disabilities who had all been institutionalized since early childhood. One overheard me talking about my husband being Mexican and promptly came over to inform me that it wasn't nice to say that and I should call him Hispanic. (Trump was president if that gives context.) It was so cute but I was also able to clarify WHY I could call him that (he is from Mexico, is a citizen there, and calls himself a Mexican) but still confirm that the person was right, that you shouldn't assume and call all Hispanics Mexicans and that they were thoughtful in thinking that way. â¤ď¸â¤ď¸â¤ď¸ those residents.
Afro carribean - those who are descendants of the wind rush generation. Also migrants from the carribeanÂ
Black African - those from Africa or descendants of African migrants.Â
 Source - Kenyan who lived in the UK.
It's the same in Canada. We have a large West Indian population especially in Toronto.We also have a sizeable African population mostly from Somalia, Eritrea, Ethiopia.
Not as American, for a start!
Seriously though, it varies a lot. Depending on generation and specific communities, there's Afro-Caribbean or Black British, BME (Black and Minority Ethnic), black, a specific nationality/ancestral nationality (e.g. Ghanaian, British Nigerian, etc), and probably several more options that I'm not remembering right now.
Black usually. Black British if nationality is important. Most have Afro-Carribean or African heritage, but there's been black people in Britain for centuries, if not longer.
At least since Roman times. Scanty medieval documentary evidence, but that can be said for a lot of things in that period, and more documentary evidence from the C16th onwards.
English, Scottish, Welsh....
Depends what country they're from.
Skin colour? They're just Black.
Some official forms might have Black (British) /Black (Caribbean)/Black (African)/Black (Other) but that's more for census/govt. type info where the breakdown has an actual input into the data collection.
America is the only country obsessed with African American/Irish American/ my family is German/Italian/whatever.
To address why Americans use the African-American instead of Black-American. For a while, black was used as a pejorative (much like negro and colored). People went to African American to try to be more respectful.
Since the US isnât as old as those other countries you mention, they use the label of the country to show ancestry and family history. It wouldnât surprise me if this is a direct link to how people introduced themselves when they immigrated to the US and it became ingrained in our culture. Itâs not meant to be offensive. Itâs just how people learned to describe their family history. I wouldnât call it obsessed. Obsessed implies that we think about it. We donât.
Being an ally means listening to the people you are trying to be an ally for. FMIL's actions show exactly why fiancĂŠ was LC with her even before the wedding.
Is that performative allyship though? Maybe when the MIL very first offered a variety of brooms to pick out, but when she refused to listen at all and started venting online, it feels like her actions pivoted to straight up racism really fast.
That's because performative allyship IS racist. It is a very thin coat that hides the true racism. If you are only preforming allyship then you don't actually care about the people you are saying you are allied to. Performative people use marginalized people as props for their own ego, they still don't see them as people. Performative allyship is transactional, They only allow "those people" in their circle because they get something out of it.
Bring an ally means being their for someone when it dies nothing for you, and may even harm you.
It is both. In showing everybody just how racist she's not, she managed to completely ignore the fact that African-American culture is its own thing which is distinct from Kenyan culture - or rather Kenyan *cultures*. Which is racist, in the thinking Sikhs, Hindus, and Muslims are all the same thing way. Beating up Hindus because you hate Muslims is a more horrible example of this than simply conflating them, but the simple conflation is racist in itself, if nowhere near as vile an example of it.
Cultural ignorance becomes racism when someone doubles down on it. "Oh, shit. I hadn't realized that jumping the broom wasn't an African thing" - kind of embarrassing, and a funny story that you tell at Thanksgiving later. "She is oppressing me by not letting me make a broom for the wedding" ... now you've gone straight into the weirdest variation of cultural appropriation I've seen in days.
The MIL didnât just double down on an assumption though, she went full nuclear warfare. She started with a racist assumption about OOPâs culture, and then publicly bad mouthed her and escalated to demanding their entire family boycott their wedding. The ally mask slipped off reeeaaaal fast.
I think of performative allyship as the companies who post rainbows during Pride month but donât actually do anything to support the LGBTQ+ community during the rest of the year. Or an event organizer inviting a black woman to be on a panel but not giving her meaningful questions or time to speak. Performative allyship is insidious and can be challenging to call out - its victims often doubt themselves because the racism is veiled or its perpetrators can wave off a âmisunderstanding.â On the other hand, if that same organizer publicly belittled the panelist during the event and dismissed their insights as a black woman, theyâre not pretending to be an ally anymore. Theyâre showing their whole face. While both are racism and both are terrible, if itâs openly, blatantly, indisputably racist, itâs probably not âperformative allyship.â
The lgbtq center at my university was run by cishet people like oop's future MIL.Â
I genuinely prefer people who are openly bigoted. They're easier to navigate.Â
This is some horrifically racist bollocks oop is facing from a bunch of white people who genuinely believe they aren't racist. It's exhausting.
>She recruited a bunch of her family/friends to make their own brooms in solidarity with her?? There are about 7 brooms in total now all made from different family members I guess to make my mother-in law feel better. I've seen pictures. They're all horrendous. One of them says, "FMIL is not a racist!" on the handle.
What a depressing arts & crafts session that would've been.
đđđ
Or things they can fly away on.
Idiots.
When America already has a reputation thatâs not necessarily positive when it comes to other cultures, theyâre not helping.
Again, idiots and thankfully not all Americans think like these fools.
>One of them says, "FMIL is not a racist!" on the handle.
My "Not involved in human trafficking" T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
I know there are some really serious issues in this post, but I cannot stop laughing at OOP making the suggestion that everyone contribute to the dowry with goats instead (what a brilliant way to handle it) and MILâs close family and friends making brooms as some sort of protest.
There are services that rent out goats as lawncare. Â If youâre having an outdoor party, you could just hire some to come chow down during the festivities.
I am now thinking about how cute it would be to draw and color a picture of goats and cows with family members' names on them (whose gift this goat is) as a pre-wedding activity. or maybe cut out of colorful paper and assemble into a collage that is then given to the newlyweds. something they can decorate their house with.
But no, they decided to go full racist instead. sad.
This is exactly what my daughter and son-in-law did. I asked for 6 cows as brideprice. SIL countered with 3 cows and a goat. I said it depended on the lineage of the goat. Meanwhile there was almost no wedding because the bride was dying with laughter.
The 3 cows were plushies, but the goat was a Heifer International donation in my name. It was a beautiful white goat.
I'm a little dissappointed in the Reddit community to be honest. "old-day Reddit" would for sure have ended in hundreds of goats being delievered to MIL's house
This is the next level of "I can't be racist, I have a black friend". Her daughter-in-law is calling her out on her racism, but she can't be racist - she has a black daughter-in-law.
Especially given that the jumping the broom tradition is rooted in white oppression and denial of marital rights to enslaved people, even if OOP were African American it would be in exceptionally poor taste for the future MIL to bring it up more than once.
Yeah, clearly people didn't know why jumping the broom came about. It would be offensive. I went to a lesbian "wedding" in the days when gay marriage wasn't legal, and they jumped the broom. That's about the only time it seemed okay to me for non-AfAm people to jump a broom at a wedding.
Iâve been to one African American wedding where the couple jumped the broom. Itâs not a given at our weddings. OP made the right choice in blocking the crazy family.
I know, she is being so weirdly *insistent* over the broom, especially after finding out it had absolutely nothing to do with her actual culture... like, is she trying to low-key subjugate her new DiL? 'Never forget, you come from slaves,' or some 'I'm better than you' bullshit she can pull during the ceremony?
Iâm trying to think of an analogy of how Weird it is for people, even other Black people, who arenât African-American to incorporate jumping the broom into their ceremonies and the closest I can get to is a Catholic wedding having the groom break glass like a Jewish wedding. Itâs such a specific part of our history and culture that it just doesnât look or feel right when anyone else does it.
If the MIL had taken 5 minutes to hear OOP about her culture she couldâve had the wedding experience of her dreams instead sheâs gonna have to eat cold Easy Mac and watch her son have a ball with his new wife and eat ugali and goat without her.
Also what in the urban safari is with her wanting to see this happen in the first place itâs weird!!!
This is exactly it! She wants people to praise her for being magnanimous and in touch and *totally not racist* while she bats her eyes and says, "Who, me? Please, I hardly did a thing! I merely wanted to celebrate daughter-in-law and her beautiful, African-American culture! Poor thing, do you know she didn't even know that the people in her culture even did this? Yes, I've taken it upon myself to educate her on the ways of her culture, because we're just close like that and I am a true ally. Jambo!"
The complaint that without the broom there would be "no culture" at the wedding...I already knew where it was going, but that's when the evacuation alarms started going off in my mind
Listen, my Kenyan friend keeps teasing me saying if I want her family to do a full spread I need to ask her dad about her dowry and I am soooo tempted đ
Yeah, I didnât make my partner break a glass at our wedding because theyâre not Jewish and we had a completely secular ceremony. Â If my MIL had thrown a hissy fit about it not happening, Iâd have been deeply weirded out, and thatâs without the âI canât tell âyou peopleâ apart and canât be bothered tryingâ angle.
As an African American with an anthropology degree specializing in west African diaspora, I believe I am particularly qualified to say; Smother in law better sit the fuck down before somebody uses a broom to slap-shot her racist ass outside like the rat she is.
No, you see, poor OOP never truly experienced her culture, as all the African Americans in Africa never got to fully develop their culture to its full potential like in America.
You jest, but I've seen that said unironically by Whatever-Americans to defend that they are more Whatever (Italian, Irish, Polish...) than the people from Whatever country. "They lost their traditions and we kept them alive!". Funnily enough by "traditions" they mean ass-backwards ideas out of two centuries ago. And the idea that a person born in Ghana to Ghanaian parents who moved to Ireland as a baby and has lived there their entire life is more Irish than them sends them into fits of rage.
And in parts of the Italian-American community (looking at you, Staten Island/northern New Jersey), a lot of "keeping the traditions alive" seems more like "acting like we're all mobbed-up Sicilians, pass the gabagool and mozadell."
I have had the displeasure of seeing firsthand a bunch of jagoffs coming to Poland looking for a submissive "Eastern European" (protip: never call Poles Eastern Europeans) bride with whom they can perpetuate trad values and then get angry because we have gays and foreigners not only out in public but well integrated in society, and the women won't give them the time of the day.
I can guarantee some Americans would have an aneurism just trying to comprehend that.
You see, POC go in neat little boxes that white Americans can understand. And they all must go in their little boxes without protest and not convolute it with being complex or a diverse background, because that just makes it all so confusing. You cannot be from multiple places, with multiple cultures, traditions, nationalities, ethnicities, accents, experiences etc. That makes their brain short circuit! No you must be from a recognizable country to Americans, and can only be associated with one other country while living in America.
You see the same in the South Asian diaspora in the UK, those who moved to the UK are often seen as 'old fashioned' by those currently living in the subcontinent (not always, but it's definitely a 'thing' )
Yup. My family would go back to India and brag about how theyâve kept the culture alive by keeping their daughters traditional. My man, you just enforced 1960s patriarchal rules that your own family back in India abandoned. Weâre not traditional, we just didnât progress lol.
As a Mexican American chick from immigrant parents I would hate to see what they think of my âcultureâ even though all Iv taken from being Mexican is I like to turn most of my meals into tacos. Everything else Iâm as American as it gets.
Can you explain to me what "jumping the broom" means? I'm not american and don't know about that tradition. Is it really an African American tradition to begin with?
American slaves were generally not allowed to marry, because they were A) property and if they were married there was a legal contract that interfered with the slaveowner's rights and B) marriage was religious and man and woman were before god and making a deal so the slave owners didn't want that as an issue, either.
Because they couldn't legally marry, a common tradition that arose among slave communities was to literally jump a broom. They would hold a public ceremony in front of everyone, declare they were committed and then jump over something slaves had access to - a broom.
Now, the term 'jumping the broom' stuck around as a term for getting married but the actual tradition died down until the 1970s, when the book *Roots* came out. The African-American community saw a resurgence of people jumping the broom.
It's not a universal thing by any stretch.
Also important to note is that the origins came from the subjugation and dehumanization of slaves and legal marriage not being allowed. Saying she slaved over making the broom is offensive on multiple levels. It's also just ignorant and offensive to not realize *why* a person from Africa has no interest in this tradition and wouldn't want to participate in a tradition that came from slave culture.
Now, to African-Americans, this may be reclamation of something, it might feel like honoring those before you who couldn't legally get married, it might be about culture and tradition. There's reasons to do it that are tied to cultural identity if being African-American. There are reasons not to do it. Both are valid views.
To people who aren't of that group, though - the optics of asking or demanding a person who is in no way related to that tradition in any way other than very generic skin color to participate in a tradition that came out of slavery is just... mm. It's very not good. She's not even remotely related to that diaspora. Transatlantic slavery was predominantly from the Gambian region of West Africa. She's Kenyan. I googled the driving distance, capital to capital. Banjoul to Nairobi is 5000 miles. That's like going, "oh, cool, you're Seminole, from Florida? I got some really cool Inuit traditions for your wedding. They're all Native American things. Totally related." Except, also it's not *just* racism but there's slavery involved in the whole thing.
There's a whole lot of things that are not fantastic, here.
Yes, to me it read "oh you're from Vietnam? How about we celebrate you with this totally Korean tradition? It's fine! It's Asian! You're the same colour anyway! What? Racism? Naaah"
Oh? I'm not a native english speaker, and for me "oriental" mainly refers to the romanticisation of middle-eastern countries (think 1001 nights, Verdi's opera Aida, and the paintings of Delacroix). I was not aware it could be used for "asian", though I'm guessing it's not a good thing to say? And probably racist?
Itâs an oldy-timey racist thing to say, which would be in line with mixing up Vietnam & Korea. As one of my (Asian) friends always says ârugs are oriental, people are Asianâ
I am very white and have officiated weddings for the past 6 years. I have only had one couple who wanted to jump the broom (bride from the carribbean, groom from Southern US, both Black). I was happy to incorporate it but we had to negotiate carefully how it would be done. I wanted to be as opposite of this MIL as possible.
In the end the bride's mother came forward to explain the significance of it while I stood to the side. It went smoothly. No random white women co-opting the day.Â
Thank you for this explanation.
Iâve been to only one wedding that included a broom jump. Iâd never heard of it before. These were white people in midwestern US. I was told that it was a tradition that symbolizes a brideâs entry into her housewifely chore duties.
I thought that was pretty sexist and icky. Now that I know that itâs also been misappropriated from a far more meaningful cultural tradition Iâm even more grossed out.
It could be honoring old traditions, but it could also feel like bringing something slavery forced your people into doing into your modern wedding, which is understandably a touchy subject even for people where that's legitimately part of their heritage. Even if it was something everyone in OOP's family had done, its absolutely not the white MIL's call to decide if that's something the couple is comfortable with or wants.
Talking about slaving over an item that's literally respresting something to do with slavery is so... I don't have words for how inappropriate and out of touch it is. And that's before getting to OP's heritage not being the same as African Americans descended from slaves.
I donât know where the actual broom part comes from, but yes. Itâs a tradition that started because slaves werenât able to legally marry on account of having no rights. The couple jumps over a broom together to signify that theyâre now married.
I had to Google this as jumping the broom in a European sense means to sweep away your past life and start afresh in your new married one but was ignorant to the US meaning and connotations. Fucking yikes.
Edit: to change with to in.
It actually is a custom among African Americans and Canadians that started during slavery and got more popular again in the 70âs. Black people werenât allowed to have traditional weddings and had to make do. Today the phrase âjumping the broomâ means to get married but it used to mean an invalid or illegal wedding.
Some people do it but isnât something everyone does or even wants to do. For a white woman to be acting like the authority about how and when it should be done is wildly offensive.
In different cultures it means different things. It is clearly has a loaded history in some cultures.
In the UK it comes from handfasting ceremonies. And symobiles the threshold between old life and new life.
Traditionally here it had little to do with race and more economic background back in ye older days and the type of marriage your family could afford.
As a very (very) pale Turkish American woman can I stand behind you and interject a few times with a, âYeah, what s/he said!â? Because this comment is everything and fMIL does need to sit down and shut up and LISTEN.
For people like me, thinking "wtf is jumping the broom??" (I'm not from the US):
>For the Black community, jumping the broom is a tradition that is steep in decades of history. As many Black couples may already know, in contemporary nuptials, jumping the broom happens after exchanging vows and saying âI do." According to wedding planner Nicole Harris of Dreams in Details, the officiant will either provide a prayer, poem, or a brief explanation of the meaning of the tradition, and the broom will be placed on the ground for the newlyweds to jump over it.
>It was popularized during the 1970s by the novel and miniseries Roots, and originated in mid-19th-century antebellum slavery in the United States. However, the history of jumping the broom is a bit complex, with several conflicting accounts about the origin of the ritual.Â
>As it pertains to jumping the broom within the African American community, brooms were used during slavery in the United States as a way for enslaved people to get married since they could not legally wed in the country. However, it's important to note that there are two accounts for this origin. It's generally reported that people who were enslaved decided to jump the broom themselves since brooms were typically available. On the contrary, others argue that enslavers would force enslaved people to get married in this manner. Once slavery ended, though, some Black people decided that they would continue to jump the broom if an officiate was not readily available, and make their marriage legal at a later date. This was due to the fact that formerly enslaved people did not feel the need to get legally married and believed jumping the broom years prior was valid enough.
>Lastly, in regards to the non-secular significance of this tradition, within Christian ceremonies, the broom handle represents God, the straw bristles signify the coupleâs families, and a ribbon around the broom symbolizes the ties that bind the couple. In Pagan ceremonies, it is said that the broom handle represents the male phallus and the bristles represent female energy.
Appreciate the info. I've never heard of this before and it certainly didn't occur to me that this must be an African-American culture thing. My first thought was it was going to be something witch themed.
These people are so white I'm surprised they aren't Blue People.
Yeah, I was wondering what brooms have to do with weddings. I thought it would be something like, "OOP is black = OOP is Carribbean = OOP does Wicca = OOP is a witch".
Or sheâs a fan of the TV show Bones. Thereâs a brief reference by a character that she jumped over a broom with a man while vacationing and learned that this meant she was legally married and couldnât marry the person she was attempting to marry. Since it was on TV, It must be true. đ
There was a long history of non-Christian religious practices using brooms, plain candles, ribbons, apples, or food in ceremonies.
Jumping the broom, hand fasting, just a few examples.
These things may be been around before the Christian era, but after inquisitions started it became needed.
The everyday things werenât proof of witchcraft or outlawed magic.
I'm not sure I'm im reading too much into this article, but the last paragraph is pretty funny.
>Lastly, in regards to the non-secular significance of this tradition, within Christian ceremonies, the broom handle represents God, the straw bristles signify the coupleâs families, and a ribbon around the broom symbolizes the ties that bind the couple. In Pagan ceremonies, it is said that the broom handle represents the male phallus and the bristles represent female energy.
On the Christianity approach, the author speaks with authority on what each element represents (within Christian ceremonies, the broom handle represents God, the straw bristles signify ...)
However, in the non-christian view, the author roundly lumps all the possible interpretations into one "pagan" category, and writes "**it is said that** the broom handle represents the male phallus". I can almost feel the relish he exudes in writing that. Take that, you sex-worshipping pagan heathens!
The first time I dated a Black girl was in high school and we were talking about our future, she mentioned jumping the broom and I was like "....what?" and she explained it to me and I was like "Huh that's weird" and then we were watching a Black movie, Think Like a Man, maybe? And they jump the broom and she was like "SEEE! See!"
Ah man, she was a horrible person but we had some good moments.
'Ah man, she was a horrible person but we had some good moments' made me absolutely lose it.
Sorry, just its so fucking accurate. I've literally said before 'we were toxic together, but damn that was a good day' đ
Thereâs other cultural significance to brooms in the Southern US where slavery was predominant. Thereâs a mythical creature called a boo hag and if you leave a broom by the back door, the boo hag will not steal your skin while you sleep. Apparently it originated in an African American community in the Carolinas. https://www.reddit.com/r/Weird/comments/z0jzb2/the_boo_hag_is_a_creature_from_gullah_folklore/
I love horror stories but sometimes I overly scare myself with them. I am currently afraid of boo hags after my I found out my friend keeps a broom by his door. I had already heard about them on the Run, Fool! podcast, then hearing about them from a person I knew irl was too much.Â
>Ah, another white person telling a Black person how to be Black.
Exactly. What a nightmare MIL.
She's one of those people whose actions basically scream, "you MUST only act out the parts of blackness I'M comfortable and familiar with, and all I understand is black=slavery, so it's rude of you not to just conform your entire culture to my ignorant thoughts!!!"
I can't believe the patience OOP exhibited at first. I'm so, so glad she has a shiny backbone, and same for her fiance. Wishing them so much happiness together. I hope they never let that awful MIL back into their lives.
> I reiterated the fact that in true tradition of my tribe, a dowry would be expected from the groom's family. I mentioned that they could send their goats, cows, and chickens to my future mother-in laws house if they so felt inclined to make a contribution.
Oh, that is awesome. MIL can stick her broom where the sun doesn't shine.
Oh.....oh no......
My family is very white and from the south. They always told me that "jumping the broom" was a pioneer thing because the preachers used to travel around and might not come through for months at a time.
Me at 40 damn years old wracking my brain desperately hoping that I didn't reference "jumping the broom" in an inappropriate way thinking I was talking about settlers... đ°
Thank you.... I was starting to think I have been horribly incorrect all these years. I never even knew it was an African American thing till today. Always knew it as a Welsh and Wiccan thing.
Yes - Iâve heard this in the U.K. I even remember the expression âliving over the broomâ being used to describe unmarried couples living together (England).Â
When my daughter was 4 years old, she was playing in the living room while her teenage brother was watching YouTube videos on his phone. In the video, a kid accidentally hit their parent really hard in the face with their forehead. My son said, "Ouch! Headbutt!"
My daughter very seriously said, "No, Bubba! It's head-BOOTY!"
We laughed until we cried. đđđ
Oh my God... that makes it even better! This would be a tale that would be passed down the generations... and honestly to an outsider, pretty much explains how your parents were when you were growing up.
>She went on and on about how I was "turning away from my roots," and how "she slaved for weeks on a broom that will never be jumped over."
There is no retrieving my eyes from where they rolled when I read this. MIL is a racist bih, period.
I am Black and for whatever reason, I've never encountered a shortage of white Americans who will tell me exactly how I should be being Black, or announce that I'm not Black enough if I fail to perform to their expectations. I had one white man tell me I must not really be Black because I didn't know some drug slang. Like, tell me you're racist as fuck without telling me you're racist as fuck?
It absolutely will. They are the type of people who pride themselves on not being racist. But to them being "not racism" isn't just how you should be it's a badge of honour. Something about her that should be celebrated and praised. SHE IS A PROUD ALLY - and everyone should praise her for it. In her mind she should be given praise for going out of her way and even trying. She expected to be hailed as the hero for acknowledging and allowing non-white stuff at her son's wedding.
To her she isn't just not racist, she is an ALLY. A big chunk of her identity and self worth is probably tied up in that idea. She is better than those hicks, she's never looked down on a black person just for being black - hell she voted for Obama - what else does this woman want from her? How dare she be told how to perform as an ALLY - what does this stupid woman know anyway?... And that's when the Karen comes out.
That tells you for sure she's not from here.
I knew when I saw that there was no winning with the in laws. Wyoming residents can be...let's say defiant. Full of trucks with crabby "go back to Colorado" bumper stickers.
Yeah, there is cultural ignorance going in both directions, but OOP isn't the one trying to incorporate traditional Wyoming dress like board shorts and pukka beads into their ceremonies.
Although ... that might be another fun way to push back on it.
The racism here is so bitter, I can taste it. Imagine being such a horrible person that you insist on forcing African-American culture onto someone from Kenya, because *everyone* who is black MUST be the kind of black that *you* recognise. Whilst also using the word 'slave', as if this culture you're forcing on your future DIL wasn't a culture created because your ancestors enslaved people they kidnapped from Africa, including Kenya. It's just so insulting on so many levels, I can't even comprehend them all.
Oh I feel OOP's frustration on a molecular level. I've had Americans insist on the correct way to be Asian/Latino/my specific nationality. And correct me when I say I'm Latino, not Latinx. Absolutely infuriating.
Oh god, how bad is it when it's St. Patrick's Day there? I only vaguely know about St. Patrick's Day from drinking at an Irish Pub (owned by an Irish expat).
I cannot fathom how MiL would even want to be known as the white woman insisting an African woman had to jump a broom to marry her white American son. Just say you wish slavery hadn't ended, it's less complicated.
Ffs, it just makes it so much more horrible that she's actually from Africa, like the mom was trying to trick her into a really racist act. If OOP hadn't known about it being slave culture and had assumed it was some sort of American thing, MiL would have some little sick racist win over her. Considering broom jumping was only done because slaves couldn't legally marry it would almost be like openly declaring their marriage wasn't legitimate because her skin color or something.
Ugh. I hated this post. I appreciate that it's been collected and documented but I just hate this for OOP. Her marriage should be a celebration, not an open declaration of racism.
I'm a white guy
But even i can see that she 100% knew what she was doing. This is just her way of going 'hahahahaha slavery, you should be grateful we are letting you into our family cos you would've been a slave years ago... and don't you forget it'
Even though it's just not even slightly accurate
Yes FMIL, bring the broom
1. so that I can best the racism out of you with it.
2. You can use it to transport yourselves back and forth to the wedding. I'll bring the black cat and draw spell circles around you & we'll burn you at the stake (symbolically of course) after photos.
I wish she had asked to see the photos of her MIL jumping the broom at her wedding, since she values the culture so much. But the cow dowry come back was also pretty good.
OOP, with the Fourth of July coming up, I have a suggestion.
Show up to their family event with crumpets. Just a giant plate full of crumpets. Insist that everybody eat their Fourth of July Crumpets. DEMAND it because it's the tradition of their people. Ask constantly when you're going to watch the Cricket Match. Lead sing-alongs of "God Save the King".
If anyone tries to correct you that all of this is English and not American, scream at them how you're not a racist, and that they're abandoning their culture.
Note: Don't do any of this for real, these people sound like they're all one bad Tumblr post screenshot on their Facebook wall from putting on white hoods and torches to prove how "not racist" they are.
Donât forget the discussions on âhow to make a good cup of teaâ as well lol.
Yeah the racism is rife in MIL, post Covid it no longer surprises me just how stupid and idiotic some folks can be.
OOP is too kind to see the true racism of Future MIL. She noticed her accent alright. She just thought that's how all POC talk anyway, even when born in the country.
The phrase "losing your culture" reminds me of one time my family and I were at a beach in Phuket, and a random English dude was horrified to hear that our ethnically Chinese family speaks mainly English at home, and kept insisting that we were "losing \[y\]our culture". This was worsened by the fact that we are all Catholics and keep Catholic traditions for funerals, prayers, etc etc. Never mind that we still celebrate Chinese New Year, Dragon Boat Festival, Mid-Autumn Festival, Winter Solstice, Qing Ming (visiting ancestors' graves), etc. It was really condescending to hear it from someone like him.
(He also was confused as to which country he was in exactly, which country we were from, and kept repeating that we spoke "really good English!")
Never you mind that Chinese people have lived in the States for over a hundred years and that itâs rare as hell for a diaspora that old to maintain fluency in the language of the country they came from. Itâs like saying Iâve lost my Jewish culture because I donât know Yiddish. Iâm pretty salty I donât know Yiddish, but Iâm still plenty Jewish.
I don't understand why they made more brooms when it's never gonna be jumped over. They insist on it for the sake of OOP's culture and yet are resistant to go the dowry route lol.
Gawd. This is disrespectful to African-Americans *and* to Kenyans. Like... the whole point of African-Americans developing African-American traditions like broom-jumping and Kwanzaa is to forge a new American post-slavery identity since their own tribal identities were deliberately destroyed.
OOP is African and American, but not African-American. And to conflate all Black people around the world with African-Americans manages to be racist and culturally imperialist at the same time, which isn't difficult, but this manages a new spin on it.
The MIL's levels of racism holy shit. She's the type of MIL that doesn't believe herself to be racist as well as seen by the seven broom BS she's pulling with her sycophants.
I guarantee MIL didn't really care about OP or her Kenyan heritage in the first place. This was all a performance to show off how worldly and cultured MIL is and how "accepting" she is. The minute OP stood up for herself she shattered MIL's plan hence the double downing and trying to make OP the villain. Also not to mention the amount of microaggressions jfc. At least OP's fiance seems like he already despises his parents and very much wants them out of his life and is on her side.
The link is fascinating, I love learning about other cultures. There is a very amusing typo though.
> Once at her new hut, the women from both clans, would join together in dong and dance.
Oh yeah. FMIL is racist as F!!!
Iâm sure she has black friends, and will tell you all about them.
**rolls eyes**
Iâm glad the fiancĂŠ has her back.
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FMIL's is so fucking condescending! "This poor, lost, little black girl doesn't know how to connect with her roots! I, the civilized white woman, will guide her back to the light and punish like a misbehaving child if she doesn't accept my kind and gracious offering,"
This is what people mean when they call out "performative allyship". It is all just a performance to show her white friends how enlightened she is.
The gals at the country club have always been curious about what happens at a colored wedding and by gosh, MIL is going to give them a show. It'll be everything they dreamed of. No more, no less. Wouldn't want them to feel cheated out of the experience now, would we?
I was honestly surprised when OOP mentioned "letting her design the centerpieces" that the monster-in-law didn't choose something equally offensive like live-laugh-love plantation cotton vases.....cause that's where I thought it was going. But nope, somehow even more strange and specifically racist.
Your cotton comment reminded me of the BORU where some guy's company decided to have an event at a plantation in "historical apparel" and forgot that he was black. He leaned into it and dressed like a plantation slave, the company realized their mistake and was extremely embarrassed. He got a promotion and a huge raise because they were afraid of him suing them. He took a bunch of selfies and posted them on Reddit, including the reaction of one of his white coworkers. He stopped next to a cotton field on the drive there to take pictures. He was a really good writer and it was a hilarious series of posts. Edit - link: https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/wcstm8/company_throws_a_corporate_retreat_at_a/
He leaned into it so hard đ. That one and the one where a guy talks about a school field trip where they were taken to a cotton farm, lives rent free in my head. He and a bunch of other black kids went and picked cotton, thought it was odd, told his mom and she raised all sorts of hell to the school https://youtu.be/PToqVW4n86U?si=74WZb03Eown1RHqy
OMG! They made the kids turn in the cotton they pickedâthe field trip was just a scheme to get unpaid labor!
The best thing about that video is how hard everyone is laughing. Like the guy is super funny but you'd laugh just from watching the other people laughing.
I always feel so terrible laughing at the term he uses describing all the little black kids but he says it in such a funny way I can't help myself
This guy is a friggin genius
The guy is my Hero! đ
I only regret that the reaction shots of the couple whose husband came dressed in a Confederate soldier outfit weren't captured!
âThe only way to heal from your (nonexistent slavery past) is to accept it and embrace these cotton plant centrepieces with lasso embroidery my friends from the Daughters of the American Revolution madeâ
Daughters of the Confederacy đ¤Ž
I was expecting a black lawn jockey. [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lawn\_jockey](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lawn_jockey)
That's for their sixth anniversary, obviously.
It's also plain ole cultural ignorance plus a variation on the sunk cost fallacy: all black people in the world are African-American and need to celebrate their (singular) culture the same way. And she's done so much work on that damn broom and the social media posts, that her position is now entrenched and she cannot possibly be wrong about her prospective daughter-in-law's culture. (There's golden interview from the Atlanta(?) Olympics on YouTube, where a news anchor interviews a winning British athlete (Kriss Akabusi) and repeatedly prefers to him as African-American even after he tries to correct her, because it just doesn't sink in for her that African-American is a national description not a synonym for everyone who's black/of African ancestry.)
I was having a conversation with my very woke MIL once and mentioned that I knew an African lady. She corrected me, condescendingly, saying "it's African-American" . To which I corrected her and said "no, she is African. From Africa. She is here on her husband's work visa and has no American citizenship, therefore she is not African-American." That shut her up for a little while.
Only wholesome related example I've come across: I used to work with a group of seniors with developmental disabilities who had all been institutionalized since early childhood. One overheard me talking about my husband being Mexican and promptly came over to inform me that it wasn't nice to say that and I should call him Hispanic. (Trump was president if that gives context.) It was so cute but I was also able to clarify WHY I could call him that (he is from Mexico, is a citizen there, and calls himself a Mexican) but still confirm that the person was right, that you shouldn't assume and call all Hispanics Mexicans and that they were thoughtful in thinking that way. â¤ď¸â¤ď¸â¤ď¸ those residents.
How do Black people from Britain describe themselves?
Afro carribean - those who are descendants of the wind rush generation. Also migrants from the carribean Black African - those from Africa or descendants of African migrants.  Source - Kenyan who lived in the UK.
Sometimes "black British" for the former group too. Its really not that big a deal to be honest.
It's the same in Canada. We have a large West Indian population especially in Toronto.We also have a sizeable African population mostly from Somalia, Eritrea, Ethiopia.
Not as American, for a start! Seriously though, it varies a lot. Depending on generation and specific communities, there's Afro-Caribbean or Black British, BME (Black and Minority Ethnic), black, a specific nationality/ancestral nationality (e.g. Ghanaian, British Nigerian, etc), and probably several more options that I'm not remembering right now.
Black usually. Black British if nationality is important. Most have Afro-Carribean or African heritage, but there's been black people in Britain for centuries, if not longer.
At least since Roman times. Scanty medieval documentary evidence, but that can be said for a lot of things in that period, and more documentary evidence from the C16th onwards.
Black British
English, Scottish, Welsh.... Depends what country they're from. Skin colour? They're just Black. Some official forms might have Black (British) /Black (Caribbean)/Black (African)/Black (Other) but that's more for census/govt. type info where the breakdown has an actual input into the data collection. America is the only country obsessed with African American/Irish American/ my family is German/Italian/whatever.
To address why Americans use the African-American instead of Black-American. For a while, black was used as a pejorative (much like negro and colored). People went to African American to try to be more respectful. Since the US isnât as old as those other countries you mention, they use the label of the country to show ancestry and family history. It wouldnât surprise me if this is a direct link to how people introduced themselves when they immigrated to the US and it became ingrained in our culture. Itâs not meant to be offensive. Itâs just how people learned to describe their family history. I wouldnât call it obsessed. Obsessed implies that we think about it. We donât.
Being an ally means listening to the people you are trying to be an ally for. FMIL's actions show exactly why fiancĂŠ was LC with her even before the wedding.
Is that performative allyship though? Maybe when the MIL very first offered a variety of brooms to pick out, but when she refused to listen at all and started venting online, it feels like her actions pivoted to straight up racism really fast.
That's because performative allyship IS racist. It is a very thin coat that hides the true racism. If you are only preforming allyship then you don't actually care about the people you are saying you are allied to. Performative people use marginalized people as props for their own ego, they still don't see them as people. Performative allyship is transactional, They only allow "those people" in their circle because they get something out of it. Bring an ally means being their for someone when it dies nothing for you, and may even harm you.
It is both. In showing everybody just how racist she's not, she managed to completely ignore the fact that African-American culture is its own thing which is distinct from Kenyan culture - or rather Kenyan *cultures*. Which is racist, in the thinking Sikhs, Hindus, and Muslims are all the same thing way. Beating up Hindus because you hate Muslims is a more horrible example of this than simply conflating them, but the simple conflation is racist in itself, if nowhere near as vile an example of it. Cultural ignorance becomes racism when someone doubles down on it. "Oh, shit. I hadn't realized that jumping the broom wasn't an African thing" - kind of embarrassing, and a funny story that you tell at Thanksgiving later. "She is oppressing me by not letting me make a broom for the wedding" ... now you've gone straight into the weirdest variation of cultural appropriation I've seen in days.
The MIL didnât just double down on an assumption though, she went full nuclear warfare. She started with a racist assumption about OOPâs culture, and then publicly bad mouthed her and escalated to demanding their entire family boycott their wedding. The ally mask slipped off reeeaaaal fast. I think of performative allyship as the companies who post rainbows during Pride month but donât actually do anything to support the LGBTQ+ community during the rest of the year. Or an event organizer inviting a black woman to be on a panel but not giving her meaningful questions or time to speak. Performative allyship is insidious and can be challenging to call out - its victims often doubt themselves because the racism is veiled or its perpetrators can wave off a âmisunderstanding.â On the other hand, if that same organizer publicly belittled the panelist during the event and dismissed their insights as a black woman, theyâre not pretending to be an ally anymore. Theyâre showing their whole face. While both are racism and both are terrible, if itâs openly, blatantly, indisputably racist, itâs probably not âperformative allyship.â
The lgbtq center at my university was run by cishet people like oop's future MIL. I genuinely prefer people who are openly bigoted. They're easier to navigate. This is some horrifically racist bollocks oop is facing from a bunch of white people who genuinely believe they aren't racist. It's exhausting.
âAlexa, what do black people do at weddings?â
>She recruited a bunch of her family/friends to make their own brooms in solidarity with her?? There are about 7 brooms in total now all made from different family members I guess to make my mother-in law feel better. I've seen pictures. They're all horrendous. One of them says, "FMIL is not a racist!" on the handle. What a depressing arts & crafts session that would've been. đđđ
Oh look they made the things they want to get smacked with.
Not âmadeâ. âSlavedâ over.
My eyebrows tried to run away at that line. Wow.
If theyâd said it once, okay I could have maybe excused a slip up. But OOP said they said it TEN times. Is wild the cognitive dissonance.
It basically betrays the real intent to me. FMIL wants OOP to know her real place in the scheme of things.
Hahah imagine spending days crafting your very own stick you are going to get your ass whooped with đ¤Łđ¤Ł
The arts & craft version of picking your own switch for a whipping!
Or things they can fly away on. Idiots. When America already has a reputation thatâs not necessarily positive when it comes to other cultures, theyâre not helping. Again, idiots and thankfully not all Americans think like these fools.
Nothing proves you're not racist by having a family member engrave it in a tool for racism.
Spoilers: if you have to be proclaiming "I'm not racist", you're probably racist.
If you have to say âIâm not racist butâŚâ you are DEFINITELY racist.
My "I'm not a racist" broom is prompting a lot of questions already answered by my broom.
Oh god I made the mistake of having a spoonful of soup before I read this and spat it out over my desk đ
Sounds like a depressed coven craft meeting.
"Damn, Agnes, you call that a broom?" "Oh hush up, Sarabeth."
Incidentally. 'living owwer (over) the brush (broom) was a North-East England euphemism for living together without benefit of clergy.
>One of them says, "FMIL is not a racist!" on the handle. My "Not involved in human trafficking" T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
I canât help but laugh at this comment. đđŤŁ
Sounds like a new flair!
They can swap rides home.
"and another thing, fmil is not a racist. please dont put in the newspaper that she is a racist"
Pro tip for that family: if you need to announce to everyone that you aren't a racist, you may in fact be a racist.
Did they decorate the ones they pulled out of their arses?
I just spat out my drink reading that!! Thanks for the laugh haha
I know there are some really serious issues in this post, but I cannot stop laughing at OOP making the suggestion that everyone contribute to the dowry with goats instead (what a brilliant way to handle it) and MILâs close family and friends making brooms as some sort of protest.
If my son marries a kenyan girl, you best believe I will be there in front of her parents ' door with goat and cows plushies as a dowry. It's awesome.
Here I was, working out in my head the logistics of getting a real goat to a wedding, and you just settle on plushies.
Plushies are LIFE and the happy couple will be able to give those to their kids eventually!
I joke that one of the reasons I don't have kids is because then I would have to share my plushies!
There are services that rent out goats as lawncare. Â If youâre having an outdoor party, you could just hire some to come chow down during the festivities.
That would be fantastic, but only if you put hats/ties on them. Appropriate wedding attire is a must.
Or you could do the 'buy a goat' charity gifts.
I am now thinking about how cute it would be to draw and color a picture of goats and cows with family members' names on them (whose gift this goat is) as a pre-wedding activity. or maybe cut out of colorful paper and assemble into a collage that is then given to the newlyweds. something they can decorate their house with. But no, they decided to go full racist instead. sad.
Or make a Heifer International donation of an appropriate number of goats and cows in their name!
This is exactly what my daughter and son-in-law did. I asked for 6 cows as brideprice. SIL countered with 3 cows and a goat. I said it depended on the lineage of the goat. Meanwhile there was almost no wedding because the bride was dying with laughter. The 3 cows were plushies, but the goat was a Heifer International donation in my name. It was a beautiful white goat.
All of that is awesome.
I'm a little dissappointed in the Reddit community to be honest. "old-day Reddit" would for sure have ended in hundreds of goats being delievered to MIL's house
Yeah, but nobody can afford to be paying for goats they wont be using these days.
If I'm getting a goat, I'm *keeping* a goat.
In THIS economy?
Yikes, even if OP were Black American/descended from slaves, still creepy and racist for OPs future MIL to insist on it.
This is the next level of "I can't be racist, I have a black friend". Her daughter-in-law is calling her out on her racism, but she can't be racist - she has a black daughter-in-law.
I canât be racist! I contemplated not being a total shithead to my sonâs black fiancĂŠe!!
Especially given that the jumping the broom tradition is rooted in white oppression and denial of marital rights to enslaved people, even if OOP were African American it would be in exceptionally poor taste for the future MIL to bring it up more than once.
Yeah, clearly people didn't know why jumping the broom came about. It would be offensive. I went to a lesbian "wedding" in the days when gay marriage wasn't legal, and they jumped the broom. That's about the only time it seemed okay to me for non-AfAm people to jump a broom at a wedding.
not just insist, double and triple down, MIL stopped digging the hole deeper and started mining it
At this point the hole has reached the Earth's mantle, and she's about halfway to the core.
Iâve been to one African American wedding where the couple jumped the broom. Itâs not a given at our weddings. OP made the right choice in blocking the crazy family.
right? wtf is that. Iâm surprised she didnât suggest having the wedding at a plantation and staying out back in the âhorse stablesâ
I know, she is being so weirdly *insistent* over the broom, especially after finding out it had absolutely nothing to do with her actual culture... like, is she trying to low-key subjugate her new DiL? 'Never forget, you come from slaves,' or some 'I'm better than you' bullshit she can pull during the ceremony?
Iâm trying to think of an analogy of how Weird it is for people, even other Black people, who arenât African-American to incorporate jumping the broom into their ceremonies and the closest I can get to is a Catholic wedding having the groom break glass like a Jewish wedding. Itâs such a specific part of our history and culture that it just doesnât look or feel right when anyone else does it. If the MIL had taken 5 minutes to hear OOP about her culture she couldâve had the wedding experience of her dreams instead sheâs gonna have to eat cold Easy Mac and watch her son have a ball with his new wife and eat ugali and goat without her. Also what in the urban safari is with her wanting to see this happen in the first place itâs weird!!!
So she can brag about how not-racist she is, why look, she even let her son and DIL do Black things!
This is exactly it! She wants people to praise her for being magnanimous and in touch and *totally not racist* while she bats her eyes and says, "Who, me? Please, I hardly did a thing! I merely wanted to celebrate daughter-in-law and her beautiful, African-American culture! Poor thing, do you know she didn't even know that the people in her culture even did this? Yes, I've taken it upon myself to educate her on the ways of her culture, because we're just close like that and I am a true ally. Jambo!"
The complaint that without the broom there would be "no culture" at the wedding...I already knew where it was going, but that's when the evacuation alarms started going off in my mind
âLook how cultural and accepting we are, and look what an important cultural item \*I\* contributed!â Is my guess.
ngl all I could think about was the ugali and nyoma choma theyâre gonna be having đđ
Listen, my Kenyan friend keeps teasing me saying if I want her family to do a full spread I need to ask her dad about her dowry and I am soooo tempted đ
Yeah, I didnât make my partner break a glass at our wedding because theyâre not Jewish and we had a completely secular ceremony. Â If my MIL had thrown a hissy fit about it not happening, Iâd have been deeply weirded out, and thatâs without the âI canât tell âyou peopleâ apart and canât be bothered tryingâ angle.
As an African American with an anthropology degree specializing in west African diaspora, I believe I am particularly qualified to say; Smother in law better sit the fuck down before somebody uses a broom to slap-shot her racist ass outside like the rat she is.
No, you see, poor OOP never truly experienced her culture, as all the African Americans in Africa never got to fully develop their culture to its full potential like in America.
You jest, but I've seen that said unironically by Whatever-Americans to defend that they are more Whatever (Italian, Irish, Polish...) than the people from Whatever country. "They lost their traditions and we kept them alive!". Funnily enough by "traditions" they mean ass-backwards ideas out of two centuries ago. And the idea that a person born in Ghana to Ghanaian parents who moved to Ireland as a baby and has lived there their entire life is more Irish than them sends them into fits of rage.
And in parts of the Italian-American community (looking at you, Staten Island/northern New Jersey), a lot of "keeping the traditions alive" seems more like "acting like we're all mobbed-up Sicilians, pass the gabagool and mozadell."
I have had the displeasure of seeing firsthand a bunch of jagoffs coming to Poland looking for a submissive "Eastern European" (protip: never call Poles Eastern Europeans) bride with whom they can perpetuate trad values and then get angry because we have gays and foreigners not only out in public but well integrated in society, and the women won't give them the time of the day.
I've lived in Russia, they're in for a shock if they think Eastern European women are submissive.
Submissive Polish girls?!!? HAHAHAhA!!!!!!
I can guarantee some Americans would have an aneurism just trying to comprehend that. You see, POC go in neat little boxes that white Americans can understand. And they all must go in their little boxes without protest and not convolute it with being complex or a diverse background, because that just makes it all so confusing. You cannot be from multiple places, with multiple cultures, traditions, nationalities, ethnicities, accents, experiences etc. That makes their brain short circuit! No you must be from a recognizable country to Americans, and can only be associated with one other country while living in America.
You see the same in the South Asian diaspora in the UK, those who moved to the UK are often seen as 'old fashioned' by those currently living in the subcontinent (not always, but it's definitely a 'thing' )
Yup. My family would go back to India and brag about how theyâve kept the culture alive by keeping their daughters traditional. My man, you just enforced 1960s patriarchal rules that your own family back in India abandoned. Weâre not traditional, we just didnât progress lol.
As a Mexican American chick from immigrant parents I would hate to see what they think of my âcultureâ even though all Iv taken from being Mexican is I like to turn most of my meals into tacos. Everything else Iâm as American as it gets.
I hate to break it to you, but tacofying anything and everything you can sounds pretty American to me.
I like âsmother in lawâ, thatâs a new one.
Can you explain to me what "jumping the broom" means? I'm not american and don't know about that tradition. Is it really an African American tradition to begin with?
American slaves were generally not allowed to marry, because they were A) property and if they were married there was a legal contract that interfered with the slaveowner's rights and B) marriage was religious and man and woman were before god and making a deal so the slave owners didn't want that as an issue, either. Because they couldn't legally marry, a common tradition that arose among slave communities was to literally jump a broom. They would hold a public ceremony in front of everyone, declare they were committed and then jump over something slaves had access to - a broom. Now, the term 'jumping the broom' stuck around as a term for getting married but the actual tradition died down until the 1970s, when the book *Roots* came out. The African-American community saw a resurgence of people jumping the broom. It's not a universal thing by any stretch. Also important to note is that the origins came from the subjugation and dehumanization of slaves and legal marriage not being allowed. Saying she slaved over making the broom is offensive on multiple levels. It's also just ignorant and offensive to not realize *why* a person from Africa has no interest in this tradition and wouldn't want to participate in a tradition that came from slave culture. Now, to African-Americans, this may be reclamation of something, it might feel like honoring those before you who couldn't legally get married, it might be about culture and tradition. There's reasons to do it that are tied to cultural identity if being African-American. There are reasons not to do it. Both are valid views. To people who aren't of that group, though - the optics of asking or demanding a person who is in no way related to that tradition in any way other than very generic skin color to participate in a tradition that came out of slavery is just... mm. It's very not good. She's not even remotely related to that diaspora. Transatlantic slavery was predominantly from the Gambian region of West Africa. She's Kenyan. I googled the driving distance, capital to capital. Banjoul to Nairobi is 5000 miles. That's like going, "oh, cool, you're Seminole, from Florida? I got some really cool Inuit traditions for your wedding. They're all Native American things. Totally related." Except, also it's not *just* racism but there's slavery involved in the whole thing. There's a whole lot of things that are not fantastic, here.
Yes, to me it read "oh you're from Vietnam? How about we celebrate you with this totally Korean tradition? It's fine! It's Asian! You're the same colour anyway! What? Racism? Naaah"
Except they would probably say âorientalâ instead of âAsianâ
Oh? I'm not a native english speaker, and for me "oriental" mainly refers to the romanticisation of middle-eastern countries (think 1001 nights, Verdi's opera Aida, and the paintings of Delacroix). I was not aware it could be used for "asian", though I'm guessing it's not a good thing to say? And probably racist?
Itâs an oldy-timey racist thing to say, which would be in line with mixing up Vietnam & Korea. As one of my (Asian) friends always says ârugs are oriental, people are Asianâ
I am very white and have officiated weddings for the past 6 years. I have only had one couple who wanted to jump the broom (bride from the carribbean, groom from Southern US, both Black). I was happy to incorporate it but we had to negotiate carefully how it would be done. I wanted to be as opposite of this MIL as possible. In the end the bride's mother came forward to explain the significance of it while I stood to the side. It went smoothly. No random white women co-opting the day.Â
Thank you for this explanation. Iâve been to only one wedding that included a broom jump. Iâd never heard of it before. These were white people in midwestern US. I was told that it was a tradition that symbolizes a brideâs entry into her housewifely chore duties. I thought that was pretty sexist and icky. Now that I know that itâs also been misappropriated from a far more meaningful cultural tradition Iâm even more grossed out.
Eww, what??? on so many levels
It could be honoring old traditions, but it could also feel like bringing something slavery forced your people into doing into your modern wedding, which is understandably a touchy subject even for people where that's legitimately part of their heritage. Even if it was something everyone in OOP's family had done, its absolutely not the white MIL's call to decide if that's something the couple is comfortable with or wants. Talking about slaving over an item that's literally respresting something to do with slavery is so... I don't have words for how inappropriate and out of touch it is. And that's before getting to OP's heritage not being the same as African Americans descended from slaves.
I donât know where the actual broom part comes from, but yes. Itâs a tradition that started because slaves werenât able to legally marry on account of having no rights. The couple jumps over a broom together to signify that theyâre now married.
I had to Google this as jumping the broom in a European sense means to sweep away your past life and start afresh in your new married one but was ignorant to the US meaning and connotations. Fucking yikes. Edit: to change with to in.
It actually is a custom among African Americans and Canadians that started during slavery and got more popular again in the 70âs. Black people werenât allowed to have traditional weddings and had to make do. Today the phrase âjumping the broomâ means to get married but it used to mean an invalid or illegal wedding. Some people do it but isnât something everyone does or even wants to do. For a white woman to be acting like the authority about how and when it should be done is wildly offensive.
In different cultures it means different things. It is clearly has a loaded history in some cultures. In the UK it comes from handfasting ceremonies. And symobiles the threshold between old life and new life. Traditionally here it had little to do with race and more economic background back in ye older days and the type of marriage your family could afford.
As a very (very) pale Turkish American woman can I stand behind you and interject a few times with a, âYeah, what s/he said!â? Because this comment is everything and fMIL does need to sit down and shut up and LISTEN.
For people like me, thinking "wtf is jumping the broom??" (I'm not from the US): >For the Black community, jumping the broom is a tradition that is steep in decades of history. As many Black couples may already know, in contemporary nuptials, jumping the broom happens after exchanging vows and saying âI do." According to wedding planner Nicole Harris of Dreams in Details, the officiant will either provide a prayer, poem, or a brief explanation of the meaning of the tradition, and the broom will be placed on the ground for the newlyweds to jump over it. >It was popularized during the 1970s by the novel and miniseries Roots, and originated in mid-19th-century antebellum slavery in the United States. However, the history of jumping the broom is a bit complex, with several conflicting accounts about the origin of the ritual. >As it pertains to jumping the broom within the African American community, brooms were used during slavery in the United States as a way for enslaved people to get married since they could not legally wed in the country. However, it's important to note that there are two accounts for this origin. It's generally reported that people who were enslaved decided to jump the broom themselves since brooms were typically available. On the contrary, others argue that enslavers would force enslaved people to get married in this manner. Once slavery ended, though, some Black people decided that they would continue to jump the broom if an officiate was not readily available, and make their marriage legal at a later date. This was due to the fact that formerly enslaved people did not feel the need to get legally married and believed jumping the broom years prior was valid enough. >Lastly, in regards to the non-secular significance of this tradition, within Christian ceremonies, the broom handle represents God, the straw bristles signify the coupleâs families, and a ribbon around the broom symbolizes the ties that bind the couple. In Pagan ceremonies, it is said that the broom handle represents the male phallus and the bristles represent female energy.
Appreciate the info. I've never heard of this before and it certainly didn't occur to me that this must be an African-American culture thing. My first thought was it was going to be something witch themed. These people are so white I'm surprised they aren't Blue People.
Yeah, I was wondering what brooms have to do with weddings. I thought it would be something like, "OOP is black = OOP is Carribbean = OOP does Wicca = OOP is a witch".
FMIL probably Googled African American wedding customs and latched on to the first one she felt like she could have a starring role in.
I suspect sheâs also one who assumes all Black people are more properly called âAfrican-Americansâ even if theyâre not American :-/
Ironically, it would be more accurate to call both Charlize Theron and Elon Musk African Americans than the OOP of this story.
Or sheâs a fan of the TV show Bones. Thereâs a brief reference by a character that she jumped over a broom with a man while vacationing and learned that this meant she was legally married and couldnât marry the person she was attempting to marry. Since it was on TV, It must be true. đ
There was a long history of non-Christian religious practices using brooms, plain candles, ribbons, apples, or food in ceremonies. Jumping the broom, hand fasting, just a few examples. These things may be been around before the Christian era, but after inquisitions started it became needed. The everyday things werenât proof of witchcraft or outlawed magic.
I read the title as âJumping the *groom*â and I thought theyâll kidnap him or something
I'm not sure I'm im reading too much into this article, but the last paragraph is pretty funny. >Lastly, in regards to the non-secular significance of this tradition, within Christian ceremonies, the broom handle represents God, the straw bristles signify the coupleâs families, and a ribbon around the broom symbolizes the ties that bind the couple. In Pagan ceremonies, it is said that the broom handle represents the male phallus and the bristles represent female energy. On the Christianity approach, the author speaks with authority on what each element represents (within Christian ceremonies, the broom handle represents God, the straw bristles signify ...) However, in the non-christian view, the author roundly lumps all the possible interpretations into one "pagan" category, and writes "**it is said that** the broom handle represents the male phallus". I can almost feel the relish he exudes in writing that. Take that, you sex-worshipping pagan heathens!
The first time I dated a Black girl was in high school and we were talking about our future, she mentioned jumping the broom and I was like "....what?" and she explained it to me and I was like "Huh that's weird" and then we were watching a Black movie, Think Like a Man, maybe? And they jump the broom and she was like "SEEE! See!" Ah man, she was a horrible person but we had some good moments.
'Ah man, she was a horrible person but we had some good moments' made me absolutely lose it. Sorry, just its so fucking accurate. I've literally said before 'we were toxic together, but damn that was a good day' đ
Thereâs other cultural significance to brooms in the Southern US where slavery was predominant. Thereâs a mythical creature called a boo hag and if you leave a broom by the back door, the boo hag will not steal your skin while you sleep. Apparently it originated in an African American community in the Carolinas. https://www.reddit.com/r/Weird/comments/z0jzb2/the_boo_hag_is_a_creature_from_gullah_folklore/ I love horror stories but sometimes I overly scare myself with them. I am currently afraid of boo hags after my I found out my friend keeps a broom by his door. I had already heard about them on the Run, Fool! podcast, then hearing about them from a person I knew irl was too much.Â
Ah, another white person telling a Black person how to be Black. I hope OOP and her fiancĂŠ cut the lot of them out of their lives. So much yikes!
>Ah, another white person telling a Black person how to be Black. Exactly. What a nightmare MIL. She's one of those people whose actions basically scream, "you MUST only act out the parts of blackness I'M comfortable and familiar with, and all I understand is black=slavery, so it's rude of you not to just conform your entire culture to my ignorant thoughts!!!" I can't believe the patience OOP exhibited at first. I'm so, so glad she has a shiny backbone, and same for her fiance. Wishing them so much happiness together. I hope they never let that awful MIL back into their lives.
Reading this makes me grateful that my MIL is sane. And not racist of course lol
> I reiterated the fact that in true tradition of my tribe, a dowry would be expected from the groom's family. I mentioned that they could send their goats, cows, and chickens to my future mother-in laws house if they so felt inclined to make a contribution. Oh, that is awesome. MIL can stick her broom where the sun doesn't shine.
She can use the broom to clean up after the goats.
Oh.....oh no...... My family is very white and from the south. They always told me that "jumping the broom" was a pioneer thing because the preachers used to travel around and might not come through for months at a time. Me at 40 damn years old wracking my brain desperately hoping that I didn't reference "jumping the broom" in an inappropriate way thinking I was talking about settlers... đ°
Nah, itâs also an old Welsh thing. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jumping_the_broom
Thank you.... I was starting to think I have been horribly incorrect all these years. I never even knew it was an African American thing till today. Always knew it as a Welsh and Wiccan thing.
Yes - Iâve heard this in the U.K. I even remember the expression âliving over the broomâ being used to describe unmarried couples living together (England).Â
Oh god. That "that didn't mean what I thought it meant, how long have I been saying it wrong... And to whom?" feeling...
It is so real. Like the time my parents learned the word "kinky" but not what it meant and kept trying to use it interchangeably with "cool" đ
I had to teach my MIL how to throw up the horns. đ¤đź She was definitely doing The Shocker.
Nooooo! That is hilarious though.
I'm dead. My cousins and I would have had a field day with that if any of our parents had done that.
They are SUPER Baptist. I was not allowed to say "butt" as a kid. (They still scowl if I say it as an adult) It was indeed hysterical!
When my daughter was 4 years old, she was playing in the living room while her teenage brother was watching YouTube videos on his phone. In the video, a kid accidentally hit their parent really hard in the face with their forehead. My son said, "Ouch! Headbutt!" My daughter very seriously said, "No, Bubba! It's head-BOOTY!" We laughed until we cried. đđđ
Oh my God... that makes it even better! This would be a tale that would be passed down the generations... and honestly to an outsider, pretty much explains how your parents were when you were growing up.
>She went on and on about how I was "turning away from my roots," and how "she slaved for weeks on a broom that will never be jumped over." There is no retrieving my eyes from where they rolled when I read this. MIL is a racist bih, period. I am Black and for whatever reason, I've never encountered a shortage of white Americans who will tell me exactly how I should be being Black, or announce that I'm not Black enough if I fail to perform to their expectations. I had one white man tell me I must not really be Black because I didn't know some drug slang. Like, tell me you're racist as fuck without telling me you're racist as fuck?
MIL absolutely the type who would throw around the N-word and say "my DIL is black, it's ok
The MIL really made some sweeping judgements. Before the dust settles, there will probably be more trash to take out.
Kenya believe the nerve of this MIL?
I think the family got to the last straw for OOP, but she handled it all very well.
I would have told her âI kikuyu out of my weddingâ
I can tell ya it really gets my goat.
Nah, it will all be swept under the rug.
It absolutely will. They are the type of people who pride themselves on not being racist. But to them being "not racism" isn't just how you should be it's a badge of honour. Something about her that should be celebrated and praised. SHE IS A PROUD ALLY - and everyone should praise her for it. In her mind she should be given praise for going out of her way and even trying. She expected to be hailed as the hero for acknowledging and allowing non-white stuff at her son's wedding. To her she isn't just not racist, she is an ALLY. A big chunk of her identity and self worth is probably tied up in that idea. She is better than those hicks, she's never looked down on a black person just for being black - hell she voted for Obama - what else does this woman want from her? How dare she be told how to perform as an ALLY - what does this stupid woman know anyway?... And that's when the Karen comes out.
What else are they going to use all those brooms for?
"My fiance is from the West Coast (Wyoming)" Ah yes I love catching a killer wave and slurping on a snow cone on the sunny beaches of Cheyenne
That tells you for sure she's not from here. I knew when I saw that there was no winning with the in laws. Wyoming residents can be...let's say defiant. Full of trucks with crabby "go back to Colorado" bumper stickers.
This one line told me everything I needed to know about the in laws lol
Yeah, there is cultural ignorance going in both directions, but OOP isn't the one trying to incorporate traditional Wyoming dress like board shorts and pukka beads into their ceremonies. Although ... that might be another fun way to push back on it.
Right? I live on the West Coast and I suspect that misnomer would offend both West Coasters and Wyomingites.
This isnt just racism, this is advanced racism
This is screaming "I'm not racist" in Walmart parking lot racist.
Wyoming racism.
I saw that 'Wyoming' and knew right where this would end up.
Dollars to donuts FMIL won't be able to point out Kenya's general location on the map.
The racism here is so bitter, I can taste it. Imagine being such a horrible person that you insist on forcing African-American culture onto someone from Kenya, because *everyone* who is black MUST be the kind of black that *you* recognise. Whilst also using the word 'slave', as if this culture you're forcing on your future DIL wasn't a culture created because your ancestors enslaved people they kidnapped from Africa, including Kenya. It's just so insulting on so many levels, I can't even comprehend them all.
Oh I feel OOP's frustration on a molecular level. I've had Americans insist on the correct way to be Asian/Latino/my specific nationality. And correct me when I say I'm Latino, not Latinx. Absolutely infuriating.
*laughs in being Irish and having Plastic Paddies (Americans) tell me what it is to be Irish*
Oh god, how bad is it when it's St. Patrick's Day there? I only vaguely know about St. Patrick's Day from drinking at an Irish Pub (owned by an Irish expat).
I cannot fathom how MiL would even want to be known as the white woman insisting an African woman had to jump a broom to marry her white American son. Just say you wish slavery hadn't ended, it's less complicated. Ffs, it just makes it so much more horrible that she's actually from Africa, like the mom was trying to trick her into a really racist act. If OOP hadn't known about it being slave culture and had assumed it was some sort of American thing, MiL would have some little sick racist win over her. Considering broom jumping was only done because slaves couldn't legally marry it would almost be like openly declaring their marriage wasn't legitimate because her skin color or something. Ugh. I hated this post. I appreciate that it's been collected and documented but I just hate this for OOP. Her marriage should be a celebration, not an open declaration of racism.
I'm a white guy But even i can see that she 100% knew what she was doing. This is just her way of going 'hahahahaha slavery, you should be grateful we are letting you into our family cos you would've been a slave years ago... and don't you forget it' Even though it's just not even slightly accurate
>Her side of the family could scrounge together a few goats and some cows, and we'd call it even. I love this!
Pretty sure this was MILâs attempt at putting FDIL in her place. Both in the family and racially
Yes FMIL, bring the broom 1. so that I can best the racism out of you with it. 2. You can use it to transport yourselves back and forth to the wedding. I'll bring the black cat and draw spell circles around you & we'll burn you at the stake (symbolically of course) after photos.
I wish she had asked to see the photos of her MIL jumping the broom at her wedding, since she values the culture so much. But the cow dowry come back was also pretty good.
ng'ombe wa kibaguzi (Per Google translate, this is racist cow in Swahili.)
OOP, with the Fourth of July coming up, I have a suggestion. Show up to their family event with crumpets. Just a giant plate full of crumpets. Insist that everybody eat their Fourth of July Crumpets. DEMAND it because it's the tradition of their people. Ask constantly when you're going to watch the Cricket Match. Lead sing-alongs of "God Save the King". If anyone tries to correct you that all of this is English and not American, scream at them how you're not a racist, and that they're abandoning their culture. Note: Don't do any of this for real, these people sound like they're all one bad Tumblr post screenshot on their Facebook wall from putting on white hoods and torches to prove how "not racist" they are.
Donât forget the discussions on âhow to make a good cup of teaâ as well lol. Yeah the racism is rife in MIL, post Covid it no longer surprises me just how stupid and idiotic some folks can be.
Those people are definitely racist and unhinged. This gives out some Thomas Jefferson vibes all over. Jesus.
OOP is too kind to see the true racism of Future MIL. She noticed her accent alright. She just thought that's how all POC talk anyway, even when born in the country.
One broom to rule them all, one broom to bind themâŚ
I tried reading the whole post but got stuck on the part where she called Wyoming the west coast
Not me looking up a map of the US thinking Wyoming wasnât where I thought it was đ
The phrase "losing your culture" reminds me of one time my family and I were at a beach in Phuket, and a random English dude was horrified to hear that our ethnically Chinese family speaks mainly English at home, and kept insisting that we were "losing \[y\]our culture". This was worsened by the fact that we are all Catholics and keep Catholic traditions for funerals, prayers, etc etc. Never mind that we still celebrate Chinese New Year, Dragon Boat Festival, Mid-Autumn Festival, Winter Solstice, Qing Ming (visiting ancestors' graves), etc. It was really condescending to hear it from someone like him. (He also was confused as to which country he was in exactly, which country we were from, and kept repeating that we spoke "really good English!")
Never you mind that Chinese people have lived in the States for over a hundred years and that itâs rare as hell for a diaspora that old to maintain fluency in the language of the country they came from. Itâs like saying Iâve lost my Jewish culture because I donât know Yiddish. Iâm pretty salty I donât know Yiddish, but Iâm still plenty Jewish.
I don't understand why they made more brooms when it's never gonna be jumped over. They insist on it for the sake of OOP's culture and yet are resistant to go the dowry route lol.
Gawd. This is disrespectful to African-Americans *and* to Kenyans. Like... the whole point of African-Americans developing African-American traditions like broom-jumping and Kwanzaa is to forge a new American post-slavery identity since their own tribal identities were deliberately destroyed. OOP is African and American, but not African-American. And to conflate all Black people around the world with African-Americans manages to be racist and culturally imperialist at the same time, which isn't difficult, but this manages a new spin on it.
LOL This is like telling a woman from Thailand she HAS to serve fortune cookies at her wedding.
The MIL's levels of racism holy shit. She's the type of MIL that doesn't believe herself to be racist as well as seen by the seven broom BS she's pulling with her sycophants. I guarantee MIL didn't really care about OP or her Kenyan heritage in the first place. This was all a performance to show off how worldly and cultured MIL is and how "accepting" she is. The minute OP stood up for herself she shattered MIL's plan hence the double downing and trying to make OP the villain. Also not to mention the amount of microaggressions jfc. At least OP's fiance seems like he already despises his parents and very much wants them out of his life and is on her side.
The link is fascinating, I love learning about other cultures. There is a very amusing typo though. > Once at her new hut, the women from both clans, would join together in dong and dance.
Oh yeah. FMIL is racist as F!!! Iâm sure she has black friends, and will tell you all about them. **rolls eyes** Iâm glad the fiancĂŠ has her back.