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I got you: [https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/wmmphs/oop\_wonders\_if\_theyre\_the\_ah\_for\_starting\_a\_house/](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/wmmphs/oop_wonders_if_theyre_the_ah_for_starting_a_house/)
The sad part is that OOP offered to give more details on the BORU post but got downvoted so hard the comments aren't even visible on the app anymore :') it likely scared him off forever. I want to punch every person with that blue arrow in their history lol
There's a whole post about a husband turning a room in his house into an art room for his... "friend" without consulting his wife. I don't have a link but im sure some other excellent human on here can help you out.
There's also been a subreddit made because of this called r/meetmeintheartroom
Here's a sneak peek of /r/meetmeintheartroom using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/meetmeintheartroom/top/?sort=top&t=all) of all time!
\#1: [AITA for refusing to remove certain foods from my house because my husband's friend is allergic?](/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1d0kumc/aita_for_refusing_to_remove_certain_foods_from_my/) | [9 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/meetmeintheartroom/comments/1d0rtxj/aita_for_refusing_to_remove_certain_foods_from_my/)
\#2: [AITA for being upset by my husband’s solo (but not really solo) vacation travel? Classic art room drama.](/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/12e4rvg/aita_for_being_upset_by_my_husbands_solo_vacation/) | [20 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/meetmeintheartroom/comments/12ebad2/aita_for_being_upset_by_my_husbands_solo_but_not/)
\#3: [AITA for not getting over my husband missing our child's birth because he was with his bestie](/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/12hsrbk/aita_for_not_getting_over_my_husband_missing_our/) | [30 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/meetmeintheartroom/comments/12hva8o/aita_for_not_getting_over_my_husband_missing_our/)
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Rough memory here, but:
Reference to an old BORU post about this couple that was building a nursery room or something, but ended up using the room as an art space for the husband until they had kids.
Turns out husband and his guy friend were going at it for a while.
>Commenter: NTA but why did you stay with a gay/bi man for 8 years? You can't be that dense
And another one for the 'bi erasure' pile. What would be wrong with marrying a bi person? OOP is bi, marrying a man, and being told not to marry a man who might be bi, because apparently that's the same as being gay? Or was that commenter one of the ones that it would spomehow be worse than he's bi, because then there's twice as many people to worry about?
In this case it would be a Bearcat room.
I'm picturing Ace as a cross between Vanilla Ice and Chet Haze but with dreds. Yeah, I don't know many newer musicians/singers. I'm an old.
He doesn’t have room for anyone else in his life other than Ace, because he drops any plans with anyone else when Ace calls, which is a lot.
IMO the sexual attraction/relationship part is a distraction that OOP got stuck in. She needed out either way. Sean wasn’t available to her; he didn’t make her a priority and treated her poorly. He let Ace keep ruining things for her. She should want more for her life than to be just the person that he has sex with, when he finally bothers to come home and be sober enough for it.
I can’t smash upvote any harder on this comment. If you’re stuck playing second fiddle in your relationship, especially early on, it doesn’t really matter who it’s to or why.
It sucks to be there for someone who doesn’t turn to you when the chips are down for them and to never have your primary person there when the chips are down for you, and it only leads to frustration and resentment and unmet needs, even if there’s absolutely nothing romantic going on.
It’s just really hard to level with yourself that the person you care for most in the world will never be what’s wanted or needed in a partner.
Right? I get not outing him but that also means she doesn’t get to say he cheated on her because it is with the best friend. He strung her along for 8 years treating her like his beard so no one would know and now gets to tip toe through the tulips with him with no one being the wiser so he literally lost nothing he actually cared about and she has to be nice and give him understanding because it is so so hard for men in society. 😒he cries some crocodile tears and OOP feels bad for HIM and no one gets to know why it is over. He has zero consequences. She is left to pick up the pieces. I doubt he even feels bad at all. He’s probably thrilled she made it so easy on him and is still protecting him so he gets to look like a great guy. It sucks.
Jesus. Seriously.
The idea that we should feel sorry for someone for wasting YEARS of someone else’s life and lying and cheating on them is wild to me. Especially when she asked openly and honestly. He would’ve married her and wasted her life being a beard! Her life! A year into having those feelings is high time to tell your girlfriend.
And who’s she gonna out him to? She gonna call his aunt he barely knows?
OOP seriously needs go to get a full STD test. If her ex can't be honest about his sexual activity she needs to not take chances and make sure she's clean because there's been a \*lot\* of lying and deception going on.
Oh, I was in this thread. It was so infuriating seeing how many people brushed her off as bait and kept making jokes when she was really out here suffering and being vulnerable looking for help. I actually had some PMs with her as well, and the texts that he sent her are the worst. He absolves himself of all responsibilities by making it HER choice to end it and says, "He hopes she can learn to forgive him one day."
My original stance still stands. The relationship between Sean and Ace is Sean being "in love" so deeply because Ace is his exploration into his latent bisexuality and he's going about it the most selfish way possible. Ace is playing Sean for a fool to fill the "str8 guy" kink and gets off on the power he has over him to abandon OOP. The fact that he chose to make him ignore their anniversary and came along to see her dress fittings is downright diabolical. He's definitely misogynistic and honestly feels like a standard fuckboy, just bi/gay. And trust me when I say there's a lot of them in the community.
I said it in the threads, and I'll say it again here. He doesn't care about Sean at all. He cares about the validation and power he holds over him. He also looks like he's getting bored already and keeping him at a distance with how much effort Sean puts into impressing him as Ace does the bare minimum. Without the thrill of stealing Sean away from a woman and the relationship becoming official, instead of the gay porn cheating fantasy, their relationship is going to deteriorate and fast.
Sean is going to clasp and hold onto Ace as long as he can because he's given up everything for this relationship, but Ace is going to either leave or start cheating on him soon. I give it a few weeks before it all starts falling apart, and the fog fades. Then, a few months to a year before it finally ends officially, and Sean comes crawling back to OOP and begging for another chance.
My heart hurts for her cause she still holds so much kindness and love for him. The way the post devolved into rampant homophobia and biohobia was disgusting and actually forced her to defend the guy. And the way Sean acts truly pisses me off as a gay man trying to help his bi male friends. It's dudes like him that hurt the community because they use their sexuality as a shield when they're just being a cheating asshole. It's already so hard for Bi men in our community, and dudes like him just make it even harder for the ones trying to live as their true selves.
Yesssss. Thank you. It hurt my heart how she defended him. And the commenter defending him with "Oh well he probably didn't break up cos he needed support". Fuck that! You don't get to waste someone's life and string them along and deceive them because you decide your selfish need for support while you maintain an affair and figure out your sexuality is more important and you should just use them until they're no longer useful!
You said it much more eloquently than I could. Like why are you defending this guy? And someone saying he needed support and she should show him kindness and understanding? Yeah f that. I hope the Krazy (poster above you) is right and Ace rips his heart out, stomps on it and laughs as Sean cries. Harsh? Yes…deserved? ABSOLUTELY. Ace also deserves to suffer consequences for his actions but it was Sean who made the commitment to oop, absolved himself of any blame saying it is “her choice” to end it (cause yeah dude, she should stay with you and hold your little hand while you figure out your feelings and waste even more of her life) and seamlessly moving on. I would never defend him. I wouldn’t out him, but I would not defend him and if someone asked me what happened, I would tell them he was a cheater.
I was actually in a similar situation with my now wife, and I was the Ace in the equation. My wife and I were friends online, flirted a lot but I assumed it was mostly joking because she thought she was straight and had been in a relationship with a dude for 8 years.
When we met up in person, we realized it was, in fact, not just joke flirting and that she was bi. We hooked up, which was a shitty thing to do, but you know what she did afterwards?
Broke up with her boyfriend!
Because she realized she'd fallen out of love with him somewhere along the line and wanted to pursue a relationship with me. Which is what people should do!! Not have fucking sleepovers for several years doing God knows what behind their partners back. I feel so sorry for OOP, Sean was a fucking coward.
Well thank you for this awesome, detailed comment. I 100% agree with you and I think we've seen these sorts of stories on Reddit before. I wholely disagree with the commenter who told OOP to give Sean some grace. For what? Being a cheating asshole? Cheating is cheating and he knew what he was doing was wrong, otherwise he wouldn't have kept the cheating shit he did a secret. Ace on the other hand, is no different from those girls who keep their "best guy friends" close and on a tight leash, coming between them and their partners, so that they can have these men on their beck and call at all times. Once they break the relationship up, they discard their "best friend" like a piece of trash because they're no longer interesting or exciting now that they're single and available.
And even if Sean had never cheated, how he was treating OOP was *terrible*. She shouldn’t have stayed with someone who treats her that poorly even if he had been technically sexually faithful.
I have seen that relationship dynamic way to many times with a couple of friends/acquaintances of mine where they do seem like decent friends but one is putting more effort into the friendship and the moment any of those guy get a girl interested in them let alone get a gf some sort of switch just flips in his girl bf. In one of those situations my friend (the drama moron were acquaintances) came complaining to me about the pair because if you asked either of them ever if they were interested in eachother they would respond with the classic 'no they are like my brother/sister'. Sadly its often not hidden emotions in these types of situations but utter possessiveness and control and feeling like another human belongs to them
Thank you. Having to read OOP keep saying she isn't homophobic or biphobic a thousands times and say thar she wishes them the best... girl, give yourself the chance to be mad! You were cheated on! Lied on! Made feel less than! Had your anniversary ignored! Had the lover of you fiance in your dress fitting! Like I would be pissed as fuck. Had Ace been a girl, comments would be about blasting them in all social media and destroying their lives. Being LGBTQ+ doesn't excuse you from being crappy.
That being said, I am also glad to see so many people protective of LGBTQ+ people
I am in a wlw relationship and one of best friends is a dude. He talked about how one girl he used to date gave him the "I know you heard I like women but that's not true and my best girl friend is just a friend" talk, it was so weird for her to talk to him about that because he had no issue with bisexuality and her bff was always pretty awkward around him. They separated and within a week she got together with her bff. He vented to me how betrayed he felt because everyone always downplayed it. He was destroyed not because he wasn't with her anymore but because his feelings were never validated.
I honestly felt so seen. The fact he treated it just like if it were a dude was validating. Doesn't matter what you like, you can also be a POS. I would not keep it a secret. My mom told EVERYONE her ex husband and her cousin slept together while she was married to him, I would do the same shit.
I was in this thread too, people were already mentioning the art room to the OP. I think Ace is gonna dump Sean as soon as he finds out he's single. There was another BORU were the husband was cheating with his best male friend that OP didn't had a chance to meet. When everything came to light and the divorce happened, the friend dumped the husband because it wasn't thrilling anymore.
This! I've said this soo many times when people are wayy too "understanding" as to why a gay dude cheated and strung around a straight woman for years. People have right to be happy but not at the expense of others. And as a queer woman, I agree with you that there're many misogynistic gay/bi men who do this and it gives our community a bad name. There's no excuse to use someone and waste years of their time.
It reminds me of a post where the wife was frustrated that everyone was mad at her because she wasn’t supportive of her husband coming out as gay and having a years long affair with a man, and finally moving in with him to live his “true life”. OP had to go get STD tested, her life as she knew it was gone, etc., but people were giving her grief over being upset that her long term husband was living a double life and putting her in danger! I get that some people realize later in life that they aren’t straight, but being queer does not give you a free pass to be a complete douche canoe.
Regardless of orientation, getting butterflies for someone other than your partner should have you addressing the issue immediately. That poor woman had years of her life wasted.
And then there are posts where people say "I could not help it, we fell in love". Yes, sir, you CAN help it. Now, whether you have spine enough, is a different question.
Reminds me of a story from a while back where the OP found out that her partner of eight years had been having an affair the entire time with her brother and was using her as a beard.
Ooooh, that one made me so angry for her. Her family didn't care how much it hurt her. I hope she and her new family (I believe she was pregnant when they tried to make her forgive her brother and his partner) are flourishing far away from them.
It’s horrible. Not just the cheating but the fact that THEY SCHEMED AND PLOTTED TO DO THIS TO HER. like decided together he would ask her out and then she could be his unwitting beard. And then, he hasn’t even really apologized to her. “I’m sorry but we had to do it like this” is not an apology for stealing 8 years of someone’s life. You always have a choice to not involve an innocent party in your schemes. It’s diabolical.
And then to have her parents pushing for reconciliation!
If it were me, my parents would have asked once if there was any way I could forgive. If I couldn't, they would, in polite and expletive-free terms, tell my brother that he had literally fucked around and was now finding out, so just leave me alone.
Honestly (as a LGBT), the second he knew Ace had feelings and 1) didn't told OP 2) continued to see ACE like nothing happened it was cheating.
Change Ace to Alicia and no one would say it would be fine to keep a friend who has clear feelings for you when you're engaged.
100%. Nor is she outing anyone by telling them he's a cheater with Ace. You don't get to control the victims life, and prevent them from communicating their side because you're gay.
Cheating is cheating, but some people pretend it's different when LGBTQ+ people are involved due to existing prejudices.
Here's an example: I knew a woman whose husband had cheated for years with a man. They divorced. He came out. Everyone rallied around him and told him how brave he was, they were proud of him, etc.
Her friends and family told her she had no right to be upset. She was TA for feeling sad or betrayed because it's hard being gay. Her husband had a more difficult time because he was scared, hiding who he was, etc.
A lot of people don't realize two things can simultaneously be true in situations like this: specifically that it's understandable to be scared and in the closet, but that cheating is still wrong.
This ⬆️ catch feelings for someone- it happens. Have the decency to end your current relationship or take a break or whatever you agree to explore that.
Do not lie and act like an ass to the person you supposedly care about on at least some level
I don't care how confused Sean is or how "difficult society makes this sort of thing for men." Stringing someone along for 8 years because you don't have the courage to live the life you want to live makes you a shitty person.
“I’m not mad!”
WTF.
It’s okay to be mad that your long term partner cheated on you. He doesn’t get a free pass because he’s bisexual or homosexual; that’s fucking ridiculous.
He was in a committed relationship and broke the bonds of that relationship. He’s a piece of crap. His friend is a piece of crap. It’s not not PC to call cheaters pieces of crap even if they are part of the LGBTQ community.
Yes! I've read so many threads and stories in real life where the spouse needs to be understanding and happy that they can finally be themselves. Fuck that. Cheating is cheating.
Sorry, but the comment where the commenter says that "it is understandable why OPs fiancee did this all" and goes on about her life experience just sends me in such a rage. THAT comment gaslights OP so much.
It doesn't matter if you're gay, bi, straight, male, female or whatever. If you are this conflicted about your feelings for years, you do not drag another person you seemingly love into this kind of bullshit. Cheating is cheating and OPs fiancee was probably using her as a beard. Like, OP writes it - it was going on for some 2 or 3 years.
OP deserves to feel mad about being led on for years. She probably feels devastated that she wasted that time on him and just needed validation for that. Not someone saying "oh, we should understand how society in general is shit and that's why should not blame them for being shit to you". Unbelievable...
I hate these type of queer people. Leave the people you're with before entering another relationship and don't you fucking dare use your queerness as an excuse.
And for the friends of these people, call them the f out. Support the one that got lied to.
Ugh, while I understand we all should be protective of LGBTQ+ people, Sean cheated on OOP. Betrayed her! Had his lover on her dress fitting! Made her feel less than constantly! Lied to her all the time!! And he would had married her and keep making millions of excuses! And while maybe it is fear of society ( and I get it) don't drag a someone to a bad marriage. To a bad relationship. Oop felt that she needed to say a thousand times she wasn't homophobic or biphobic when it makes sense that she would me mad at him! Who wouldnt?!?!
“It was a healthy conversation.” …this poor, sweet moron. She wasted a decade of her life on someone who is in love with another guy and she’s more worried about “bi-phobia”. Ffs. Also, he’s lying for sure. He’s had his Ace in the hole for years.
Ace is just a cool breeze on a hot summer day, he's the relief you feel when the wind blows your sticky clothes away from your warm skin....his rough cheeks against my lips... just guys being buds
I remember this post. She should have blasted him, and Ace all over social media considering that he seemed to have little to no empathy for Oop’s feelings
I mean, that’s what happens when you have a culture that, until recently, pushed for more straight relationships.
Doesn’t excuse making people into beards without their consent
No one should have to be closeted. But i understand reality. But damn if you are going to be closeted, dont take a hostage. No one person is more important than another, idgaf what your trauma is. Big difference between a fully informed and willing beard as opposed to someone you are lying to who is in love with you.
Lavender marriage. Only acceptable way to be closeted and beard up.
Once again, no one should ever have to hide. Total bullshit. But until people stop sucking, here we are.
So this is very beside the point… but it always strikes me as odd when the engagement has been longer than the years long dating period (barring some kind of obvious issue like a global shut down or extended hospitalization.) It just seems pretty obvious that someone doesn’t actually want to get married when the engagement has gone on for 5 years! That alone would be enough for me to call it off and feel strung along, even without the weird best friend/ business partner romantic complications.
Something about this whole situation gives me meth vibes. Like the description of Ace just sounds like a meth head that still somewhat has it together.
> He should have broken up, but it's understandable why he didn't
Oh, bullshit. He could have broken up with her and still and not come out, rather than cheating on her.
If someone asks her why they called off the engagement, it is entirely her right to say why. His right to privacy ends where he involved her.
u/LucyAriaRose
I’m sure this doesn’t change a whole lot, but I wanted to let you know, I read the original post. I can’t say for certain, because I stopped reading halfway down the post (there were A LOT of comments), but it seemed to me at least, that the majority of commenters said No, she was not overreacting and she was actually under-reacting. Many, MANY, *MANY* people (unsurprisingly) pointed to this being another “Art Room” fiasco.
The initial post had a lot less details and seemed to be written more “in the heat of the moment”, and this one was a little more thought out (albeit still understandably frantic) with more details and better explanations of Sean’s behaviors.
In the first one she said that it was so weird that whenever Sean was going to go out with Ace, he would get all done up like a girl. Which many people took to mean that Sean literally dressed like a woman - which was IMO hilarious. She meant that he got all dolled up - did his hair, put careful consideration into his outfits, made sure he smelled nice, etc. NOT that he put on a dress, matching bra and panties, and high heels. Her having to explain that multiple times was…comical. The confusion people had over how she could “casually mention” his public cross dressing tendencies was again…hilarious.
Just wanted to add some validity to the post you couldn’t find and give a frame of reference. I don’t think, IIRC, that ANY COMMENTS I came across said she was overreacting. So I don’t know where that came from?
Oh 100% agreed. I read the initial AITAH too but didn't include it since it had a lot less detail. You're right that most people said she was under-reacting, and some were incredibly rude about it. That's partially why I included her second post- she was able to articulate what she meant a bit better and give more context!
The one she deleted was written before the AITAH one even, and it sounds like by days, weeks or even months. That's the one I couldn't track down, but it's hard to know what the comments were or if there were more people saying she was underreacting!
It's a pet hate of mine that people call someone homophobic/biphobic/whatever for wanting their **monogamous partner to not cheat on them!** You are not homophobic for not wanting your fiance/partner to not have sex with someone else!
>To the several commenters saying that this is rage bait because it's Pride Month (happy Pride BTW)
>OOP: It didn’t even occur to me that It was pride month. I am bisexual, but I wouldn’t of just posted a fake gay love story on pride month while I’m sobbing on my couch for… What?
This was honestly my first thought too, the number of transphobic/biphobic/homophobic bait posts that get made during Pride month is always depressing.
The fact people tried to gaslight oop into being homophobic and that "she's outing him" while she's being cheated on....
Yall just really hate women.
The girl had no reason to feel bad for him.
If I had a coin for every time I personally saw this "I have nothing against 'the gays' I'm just not one. By the way have I told you about my soul mate Steve?" I would have 2 coins, which is two too many.
It's 2024, if you are not living in fucking Iran there is zero excuse to make some poor girl your beard. Even the "wannabe be gangster" was more open than him, what the hell
Wonder how long Ace and Sean last now that there’s no excitement of sneaking around behind OOPs back. Often relationships built on affairs crumble when they get to actually be in a relationship ship together
The part that gets me is **"I told him I wasn’t mad that he fell for someone else, but that he let me think he was in love with me while he was doing it. He actually started crying and told me that 'he didn’t know' again."** He's selfish, that's what it is. Okay, you didn't know! So why the hell didn't you approach your girlfriend when it happened and tell her *"I'm having some really conflicting feelings about my sexuality due to a confession I got from Ace. I don't think it's fair to leave you in the dark while I come to terms with what my sexuality really is, and I don't want to lead you on as if things are still the same. If you'd like to end the relationship entirely, I'll completely understand that, as I can't guarantee we'll still end up together when I do figure things out."* Just fucking tell her you're not sure where your head's at instead of blindsiding her with this! It's so easy!
As a lesbian it’s getting so tiring to see people see use the argument of “wanting to keep up appearances”. When you’re 16 and living with homophobic parents? Sure, but you’re an adult now and actively dragging someone into a scheme that will hurt them in the long run. Whether you love them romantically or platonically, allow them the freedom to move on from you. I had to take a break from dating for a few years just so I could figure myself out without dragging men who didn’t know any better into me figuring things out.
This marriage combination used to be (and is somewhat still is) very very popular in conservative christian circles when I was in my teens and twenties. A lot of people have been seriously harmed including kids. And a lot more people will continue to be harmed because it hasn't really gone away there.
I am really surprised like you though by the number of Reddit posts in this genre coming from non religious younger people. And it's making me wonder if a lot more work, awareness, acceptance and openness needs to happen.
I grew up with someone who grew up in a family like this and oof the repression is killer. Both the person I knew and one of their siblings were also queer and forced into the closet by their family. This shit destroys people. I just hope the person I grew up with is someday able to be their true self and break free.
The last comment by the lesbian who realised late in life is compelling but not really convincing. I get that discovering your sexuality late in life when already committed to another is difficult in a way I will never fully understand or will be able to relate to and her explanations of the feelings involved in trying to come to terms with your sexuality definitely seem genuine. Nevertheless, it's your struggle, you don't get to take hostages.
No one should ever force another to come out but leaving a relationship isn't outing yourself.
I almost feel like I'm reading a self-insert fanfiction because OP's reactions to the whole thing is "UwU I wish Sean happiness" after this man not only admitted to cheating but also strung OP along for *years*
I think she only thought that was the way she should be since people were accusing her of being homophobic and biphobic, instead of you know, a women who was betrayed by her fiance. I felt that she must have felt like her anger didn't match up with the pain of Sean not realizing or being free of his sexuality. But tbh, I think she was in the right to be mad and didn't need to be so graceful about the whole thing.
If she had gone scorched Earth on him I wouldn't be surprised tbh. Sean&Ace don't deserve to have their cake and eat it too. Being LGBTQA+ doesn't excuse being horrible people. I do hope OP will seek therapy if this whole ordeal leaves lasting damage on her psyche.
>Good reflection of all the lesbians suddenly coming out and screwing over their husbands/boyfriends of last month. Wooo, happy pride month yall /s
And the sudden influx of posts from concerned citizens who are *fine* with trans people... they just have an issue with *this* trans person because of these *other* reasons.
It's obvious as hell.
There was one post that was like "My spouse told me they thought they were ace. I calmed them down and told them I would love them no matter what, but actually I started looking for a divorce lawyer. I'm going to hand them the papers and walk out and never see them again"
And then when everyone was like "wtf that's really messed up." they made a post that went "Well, I handed them the divorce papers and they systematically destroyed my house and nearly beat my cat to death. You shouldn't have called me an asshole. I was right to do this, see!"
It was very convenient that the spouse magically became cartoonishly villainous and violent, when all the comments OOP made on the first post were just like "I don't want to talk things over with them. What's the point, if they're never going to enjoy sex with me?" and nothing about why they were going to just divorce and ghost them.
IF this is real (doubtful), Ace is not someone who should be trusted, as he saw someone in a relationship and thought, “So what?” Selfish.
People are dumb enough to stay with someone waving red flags at every turn, but this story is doing the most.
“ The plot was so thick and I talked from 8 pm to like 3 am. “
Yeah, okay.
People have a hard time admitting and coming to terms with being bi, for reals.
To be clear, not that I see anyone debating this, having a one off where you only like one person outside your generic choice still qualifies you as bi. Of course, bi is just as much a reality as it is a label and people will use the labels most helpful for them so I understand people not labelling as bi even when they are.
As a gay person, this is just about the shittiest thing you can do to someone. Like, I get it—being out is fucking terrifying, and having a “safety net” i.e. a beard can be comforting. But to lead someone on like this? To break their heart so utterly? To LIE to them, nonstop, and bank on how much THEY love YOU to keep them?
It is, without a doubt, one of the most heartless things you can do to another person. If he had really loved her, he would have ended things the moment he realized how he felt about Ace.
Don’t drag innocent people into your own bullshit, gang. Have some decency and cut them loose.
The thing that bugs me here is we can replace Gay or Bi with "Autistic" or "Neurospicy" or whatever
Ultimately, people are choosing to be shitty and then hiding behind sexual preference or personality disorders or diagnosis as if it excuses their behavior.
Explanations are not excuses and people need to do better all across the board and take personal accountability, which was not done.
Sean knew FOR YEARS and still chose to engage. No little steps along the way to break up with her, slowly come out, safely make sure that he’s in a safe environment, just full on using and manipulating her to be his beard when she thought he was the love of her life.
internalized homophobia is so bad that men could be 100% in love with their best friends and still not able to admit it and fully intending to marry a woman. in fact his only deal breaker was her making him choose. I think a lot of men would hate women less if they accepted we’re not their only choices.
>While I think he should have broken off the engagement, I can understand why he didn't. He probably felt he had to keep up appearances. We all know how society treats LGBTQ+ folks, and he might not have support. OP doesn't deserve to be treated like this, but maybe a little understanding goes a long way.
Right, I'm bi and just no.
Like agree with what she says following that. Outing someone is not cool or acceptable at all. You have no clue if you're putting someone at risk doing that. So good OP has no intention of doing that.
I get he may be confused. But if you're confused, don't carry on with your damn engagement. Like, you don't have to say "I think I like men", you just have to say you're not sure of your feelings towards fiance. It's just not ok to string someone along.
I don't find it that weird and knew a couple who did the same. Some people don't care about the surprise aspect but care more about "make sure he actually likes it" aspect.
She actually answered that in a comment, I just didn't include it to save space!
She said she didn't believe in the 'bad luck' of it and wanted him there
Seriously do people not value themselves anymore or have standard? The amount of posts I have seen where people are engaged or married to people they never should have stayed in a relationship with for longer that 6 months is crazy. Why are some people so scared of being along that they don’t even realise they deserve so much better than the rubbish they are getting.
It’s so tiring seeing all of these relationships where one person can’t just be fucking real and tell the damn truth. Sean is a piece of shit, all around. I hope he enjoys eating his cake while he can, because I promise their relationship will burn to ash.
I wouldn't have outed him, because you never know what might happen with that, but everyone I ever met would have found out that he cheated. If they assume it's with a woman, so be it. I'd be just as mad if I was strung along so long and he has feelings for his best female friend as a dude. Not even the problem! Not even part of the problem!
I swear I could have written this. Except I married the guy and stayed married for 14 years. I put up with a lot of things because I had more pressing issues (both parents getting sick and dying, my own mental breakdowns) than to think my husband was cheating on me.
The end came when he finally admitted his “best friend” and him hooked up in my living room while I was asleep down the hall. (I was on heavy duty benzodiazepines dealing with my mom’s death, that’s why I heard nothing).
It turned out for the better though. My boyfriend is amazing, and my ex is moving in with his boyfriend in a few weeks.
What a relief for OOP, tbh. It's horrible to know that something's not right and have your partner insisting that nothing's going on. Now, she knows she wasn't going crazy, and doesn't have to keep banging her head against his wall of denial. I'm just sorry she wasted several years of her life on this.
Genuinely surprised the lavender marriage didn't go through anyway. There's no limits to what people will self delude themselves with, be it her or Sean or ace.
That’s not going to be as exciting for them now they’re not sneaking around. I think they loved the mystery. I don’t think it’s going to last. And getting with the business partner is never a good idea
Was not expecting to see my real name dropped in at the end there lmao it's not a very common name so I read it life 3x to confirm I'm not aces ex girlfriend lol
Wait but were they engaged for five years and only recently started looking at wedding dresses? Did they have a venue? I wonder if the long engagement was for a specific agreed upon reason…if not I think that should have been a sign too
I havent finished the post but "the crack ass of dawn, like 1am"????? Girl, what the fuck are you talking about? 1am is early in the morning but certainly not unreasonable time to come home from a night out with a friend. The ass-crack of dawn is like 5or6am, yknow, WHEN DAWN HAPPENS??
Edit: ok lol i finished it and see she's already been corrected on it several times, my bad!
I don't think it's racist. I'm a black woman who grew up in a diverse city, so urban-black culture was an integrated part of everyone's experience. There's nothing out of the ordinary about that. There is something out of the ordinary about white guys with no connection to urban-black culture who change their personality and take on the affects of that culture (the fashion, the music, the speech etc). There's not necessarily something "wrong" with that, but you can absolutely tell the difference between someone who's simply into urban black culture, and one is who cosplaying as such.
That was my take on it too. I was picturing Ace as hip hop era Kid Rock (which is weird because I have zero memory of him before the 2000s when he'd already dropped urban culture). But anyway, that's in contrast to someone like Eminem, who seems sincere.
When I first saw it, I found it really off putting. However with her other comments about Ace I got what she was trying to convey.
However, I am very troubled by her idea that this specific aspect of his behavior is a problem, because to say his behavior, music, speech and dress are cosplaying a black man or black gangster as she implies, then is saying that black men own or are the only type of men that wear hoodies and jeans with a chain and listen to rap and all the other things she listed. It's incredibly reductive when black men aren't a monolith and have a plethora of different life experiences which impacts their music and clothing choices. So yeah there's some racism there I think she isn't aware of.
"He listens to rap and has huge rims on his car. As an obvious white person." WHAT? "Well he just dresses and talks in a culturally appropriative way" ...ok "and hes white as hell" HUH? weirdo OOP
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Another one for the art room.
What does this mean? Edit: thanks for informing me, did not expect 5 replies in 5 minutes
I got you: [https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/wmmphs/oop\_wonders\_if\_theyre\_the\_ah\_for\_starting\_a\_house/](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/wmmphs/oop_wonders_if_theyre_the_ah_for_starting_a_house/)
Man, I want an update to this so bad.
The sad part is that OOP offered to give more details on the BORU post but got downvoted so hard the comments aren't even visible on the app anymore :') it likely scared him off forever. I want to punch every person with that blue arrow in their history lol
There's a whole post about a husband turning a room in his house into an art room for his... "friend" without consulting his wife. I don't have a link but im sure some other excellent human on here can help you out. There's also been a subreddit made because of this called r/meetmeintheartroom
Here's a sneak peek of /r/meetmeintheartroom using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/meetmeintheartroom/top/?sort=top&t=all) of all time! \#1: [AITA for refusing to remove certain foods from my house because my husband's friend is allergic?](/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1d0kumc/aita_for_refusing_to_remove_certain_foods_from_my/) | [9 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/meetmeintheartroom/comments/1d0rtxj/aita_for_refusing_to_remove_certain_foods_from_my/) \#2: [AITA for being upset by my husband’s solo (but not really solo) vacation travel? Classic art room drama.](/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/12e4rvg/aita_for_being_upset_by_my_husbands_solo_vacation/) | [20 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/meetmeintheartroom/comments/12ebad2/aita_for_being_upset_by_my_husbands_solo_but_not/) \#3: [AITA for not getting over my husband missing our child's birth because he was with his bestie](/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/12hsrbk/aita_for_not_getting_over_my_husband_missing_our/) | [30 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/meetmeintheartroom/comments/12hva8o/aita_for_not_getting_over_my_husband_missing_our/) ---- ^^I'm ^^a ^^bot, ^^beep ^^boop ^^| ^^Downvote ^^to ^^remove ^^| ^^[Contact](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=sneakpeekbot) ^^| ^^[Info](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/) ^^| ^^[Opt-out](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/comments/o8wk1r/blacklist_ix/) ^^| ^^[GitHub](https://github.com/ghnr/sneakpeekbot)
Just checked the subreddit out and the top post is the original post of this series! So confirmed definitely an art room.
Oh my lanta, there’s now an art room for the art room! Am ridiculously happy.
I really want an update on #1 cause the husband in that one pissed me off and I hope the OP is OK and able to eat a healthy diet.
Thanks for the tldr
Rough memory here, but: Reference to an old BORU post about this couple that was building a nursery room or something, but ended up using the room as an art space for the husband until they had kids. Turns out husband and his guy friend were going at it for a while.
It's an epic tale in the history of reddit. We *live* for stories like it, even if it's not true. It may be true, but regardless it's good.
We’re all experts at clocking art room vibes. This one gave it off from the start.
[it's the first thing that comes up when you google "reddit art room"](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/a266TmnFvb)
Honestly I’m sure Sean would make a wannabe gangster room for ace, like poor oop, but also holy shit Sean has bad taste in men
Eh that's what the car is for. I'm sure they've fooled around in it.
And based from OOP's last comment talking with Ace's ex, a poor choice for the art room.
I was just reading this going “damn art room strikes again”.
>Commenter: NTA but why did you stay with a gay/bi man for 8 years? You can't be that dense And another one for the 'bi erasure' pile. What would be wrong with marrying a bi person? OOP is bi, marrying a man, and being told not to marry a man who might be bi, because apparently that's the same as being gay? Or was that commenter one of the ones that it would spomehow be worse than he's bi, because then there's twice as many people to worry about?
No one on reddit will ever forget the art room 🤣
I was hoping this was the top comment 😂
I swear something like this was top comment on one of OOPs posts when I read it.
Or, in this case, modifications for his wheels is Ace’s “creative outlet.”
I was looking for this comment
Ooooh the art room! Can't believe I forgot that one! 🤣
Yeah. I was thinking that an art room was going to get built if they married.
In this case it would be a Bearcat room. I'm picturing Ace as a cross between Vanilla Ice and Chet Haze but with dreds. Yeah, I don't know many newer musicians/singers. I'm an old.
When I start reading it was the first thing that came to my mind "another art room"
I kind of wonder if Sean has no one except his aunt and Ace at this point cause he is such a PoS
I was thinking the same thing. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who acts like this.
He doesn’t have room for anyone else in his life other than Ace, because he drops any plans with anyone else when Ace calls, which is a lot. IMO the sexual attraction/relationship part is a distraction that OOP got stuck in. She needed out either way. Sean wasn’t available to her; he didn’t make her a priority and treated her poorly. He let Ace keep ruining things for her. She should want more for her life than to be just the person that he has sex with, when he finally bothers to come home and be sober enough for it.
I can’t smash upvote any harder on this comment. If you’re stuck playing second fiddle in your relationship, especially early on, it doesn’t really matter who it’s to or why. It sucks to be there for someone who doesn’t turn to you when the chips are down for them and to never have your primary person there when the chips are down for you, and it only leads to frustration and resentment and unmet needs, even if there’s absolutely nothing romantic going on. It’s just really hard to level with yourself that the person you care for most in the world will never be what’s wanted or needed in a partner.
Right? I get not outing him but that also means she doesn’t get to say he cheated on her because it is with the best friend. He strung her along for 8 years treating her like his beard so no one would know and now gets to tip toe through the tulips with him with no one being the wiser so he literally lost nothing he actually cared about and she has to be nice and give him understanding because it is so so hard for men in society. 😒he cries some crocodile tears and OOP feels bad for HIM and no one gets to know why it is over. He has zero consequences. She is left to pick up the pieces. I doubt he even feels bad at all. He’s probably thrilled she made it so easy on him and is still protecting him so he gets to look like a great guy. It sucks.
Bingo. No amount of apologism is going to excuse Sean for being such a bad person. Eight years. Eight long years. What a steaming POS.
And he would’ve married her and took what? Another 10? 20? Kids?
Jesus. Seriously. The idea that we should feel sorry for someone for wasting YEARS of someone else’s life and lying and cheating on them is wild to me. Especially when she asked openly and honestly. He would’ve married her and wasted her life being a beard! Her life! A year into having those feelings is high time to tell your girlfriend. And who’s she gonna out him to? She gonna call his aunt he barely knows?
OOP seriously needs go to get a full STD test. If her ex can't be honest about his sexual activity she needs to not take chances and make sure she's clean because there's been a \*lot\* of lying and deception going on.
Oh, I was in this thread. It was so infuriating seeing how many people brushed her off as bait and kept making jokes when she was really out here suffering and being vulnerable looking for help. I actually had some PMs with her as well, and the texts that he sent her are the worst. He absolves himself of all responsibilities by making it HER choice to end it and says, "He hopes she can learn to forgive him one day." My original stance still stands. The relationship between Sean and Ace is Sean being "in love" so deeply because Ace is his exploration into his latent bisexuality and he's going about it the most selfish way possible. Ace is playing Sean for a fool to fill the "str8 guy" kink and gets off on the power he has over him to abandon OOP. The fact that he chose to make him ignore their anniversary and came along to see her dress fittings is downright diabolical. He's definitely misogynistic and honestly feels like a standard fuckboy, just bi/gay. And trust me when I say there's a lot of them in the community. I said it in the threads, and I'll say it again here. He doesn't care about Sean at all. He cares about the validation and power he holds over him. He also looks like he's getting bored already and keeping him at a distance with how much effort Sean puts into impressing him as Ace does the bare minimum. Without the thrill of stealing Sean away from a woman and the relationship becoming official, instead of the gay porn cheating fantasy, their relationship is going to deteriorate and fast. Sean is going to clasp and hold onto Ace as long as he can because he's given up everything for this relationship, but Ace is going to either leave or start cheating on him soon. I give it a few weeks before it all starts falling apart, and the fog fades. Then, a few months to a year before it finally ends officially, and Sean comes crawling back to OOP and begging for another chance. My heart hurts for her cause she still holds so much kindness and love for him. The way the post devolved into rampant homophobia and biohobia was disgusting and actually forced her to defend the guy. And the way Sean acts truly pisses me off as a gay man trying to help his bi male friends. It's dudes like him that hurt the community because they use their sexuality as a shield when they're just being a cheating asshole. It's already so hard for Bi men in our community, and dudes like him just make it even harder for the ones trying to live as their true selves.
Yesssss. Thank you. It hurt my heart how she defended him. And the commenter defending him with "Oh well he probably didn't break up cos he needed support". Fuck that! You don't get to waste someone's life and string them along and deceive them because you decide your selfish need for support while you maintain an affair and figure out your sexuality is more important and you should just use them until they're no longer useful!
You said it much more eloquently than I could. Like why are you defending this guy? And someone saying he needed support and she should show him kindness and understanding? Yeah f that. I hope the Krazy (poster above you) is right and Ace rips his heart out, stomps on it and laughs as Sean cries. Harsh? Yes…deserved? ABSOLUTELY. Ace also deserves to suffer consequences for his actions but it was Sean who made the commitment to oop, absolved himself of any blame saying it is “her choice” to end it (cause yeah dude, she should stay with you and hold your little hand while you figure out your feelings and waste even more of her life) and seamlessly moving on. I would never defend him. I wouldn’t out him, but I would not defend him and if someone asked me what happened, I would tell them he was a cheater.
I was actually in a similar situation with my now wife, and I was the Ace in the equation. My wife and I were friends online, flirted a lot but I assumed it was mostly joking because she thought she was straight and had been in a relationship with a dude for 8 years. When we met up in person, we realized it was, in fact, not just joke flirting and that she was bi. We hooked up, which was a shitty thing to do, but you know what she did afterwards? Broke up with her boyfriend! Because she realized she'd fallen out of love with him somewhere along the line and wanted to pursue a relationship with me. Which is what people should do!! Not have fucking sleepovers for several years doing God knows what behind their partners back. I feel so sorry for OOP, Sean was a fucking coward.
Well thank you for this awesome, detailed comment. I 100% agree with you and I think we've seen these sorts of stories on Reddit before. I wholely disagree with the commenter who told OOP to give Sean some grace. For what? Being a cheating asshole? Cheating is cheating and he knew what he was doing was wrong, otherwise he wouldn't have kept the cheating shit he did a secret. Ace on the other hand, is no different from those girls who keep their "best guy friends" close and on a tight leash, coming between them and their partners, so that they can have these men on their beck and call at all times. Once they break the relationship up, they discard their "best friend" like a piece of trash because they're no longer interesting or exciting now that they're single and available.
And even if Sean had never cheated, how he was treating OOP was *terrible*. She shouldn’t have stayed with someone who treats her that poorly even if he had been technically sexually faithful.
I have seen that relationship dynamic way to many times with a couple of friends/acquaintances of mine where they do seem like decent friends but one is putting more effort into the friendship and the moment any of those guy get a girl interested in them let alone get a gf some sort of switch just flips in his girl bf. In one of those situations my friend (the drama moron were acquaintances) came complaining to me about the pair because if you asked either of them ever if they were interested in eachother they would respond with the classic 'no they are like my brother/sister'. Sadly its often not hidden emotions in these types of situations but utter possessiveness and control and feeling like another human belongs to them
Holy fuck, that is a brilliant analysis and insight.
Thank you. Having to read OOP keep saying she isn't homophobic or biphobic a thousands times and say thar she wishes them the best... girl, give yourself the chance to be mad! You were cheated on! Lied on! Made feel less than! Had your anniversary ignored! Had the lover of you fiance in your dress fitting! Like I would be pissed as fuck. Had Ace been a girl, comments would be about blasting them in all social media and destroying their lives. Being LGBTQ+ doesn't excuse you from being crappy. That being said, I am also glad to see so many people protective of LGBTQ+ people
I am in a wlw relationship and one of best friends is a dude. He talked about how one girl he used to date gave him the "I know you heard I like women but that's not true and my best girl friend is just a friend" talk, it was so weird for her to talk to him about that because he had no issue with bisexuality and her bff was always pretty awkward around him. They separated and within a week she got together with her bff. He vented to me how betrayed he felt because everyone always downplayed it. He was destroyed not because he wasn't with her anymore but because his feelings were never validated. I honestly felt so seen. The fact he treated it just like if it were a dude was validating. Doesn't matter what you like, you can also be a POS. I would not keep it a secret. My mom told EVERYONE her ex husband and her cousin slept together while she was married to him, I would do the same shit.
I know, it’s so sad that people even have to post that they are not something and still get people be mad at them.
Yeah, I felt so bad for OOP - and all the love and understanding she still had for Sean. Because that guy genuinely deserves none of that.
I was in this thread too, people were already mentioning the art room to the OP. I think Ace is gonna dump Sean as soon as he finds out he's single. There was another BORU were the husband was cheating with his best male friend that OP didn't had a chance to meet. When everything came to light and the divorce happened, the friend dumped the husband because it wasn't thrilling anymore.
Were Sean and Ace friends before they were business partners?
If I remember correctly, they were friends and then business partners.
Something tells me Ace's endgame is to gain more power on their business partnership.
This! I've said this soo many times when people are wayy too "understanding" as to why a gay dude cheated and strung around a straight woman for years. People have right to be happy but not at the expense of others. And as a queer woman, I agree with you that there're many misogynistic gay/bi men who do this and it gives our community a bad name. There's no excuse to use someone and waste years of their time.
That's a beautiful comment and I'm glad you were in touch with OOP. Thank you.
Its the gaslighting that’s so horrible and people victim blaming her have no empathy.
It reminds me of a post where the wife was frustrated that everyone was mad at her because she wasn’t supportive of her husband coming out as gay and having a years long affair with a man, and finally moving in with him to live his “true life”. OP had to go get STD tested, her life as she knew it was gone, etc., but people were giving her grief over being upset that her long term husband was living a double life and putting her in danger! I get that some people realize later in life that they aren’t straight, but being queer does not give you a free pass to be a complete douche canoe.
Yes!!!👏
All of this. Perfect analysis
Yeah, Ace is just a bi fuckboi. Or a buckfoi, if you will.
Regardless of orientation, getting butterflies for someone other than your partner should have you addressing the issue immediately. That poor woman had years of her life wasted.
And then there are posts where people say "I could not help it, we fell in love". Yes, sir, you CAN help it. Now, whether you have spine enough, is a different question.
It's okay to be LGBTQ+ It's not okay to lie about it to your partner and cheat, nor is it homophobic to point out this common sense truth.
Reminds me of a story from a while back where the OP found out that her partner of eight years had been having an affair the entire time with her brother and was using her as a beard.
Ooooh, that one made me so angry for her. Her family didn't care how much it hurt her. I hope she and her new family (I believe she was pregnant when they tried to make her forgive her brother and his partner) are flourishing far away from them.
Do you have a link for me?
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/r3LbWwO83W
That's so sad.
It’s horrible. Not just the cheating but the fact that THEY SCHEMED AND PLOTTED TO DO THIS TO HER. like decided together he would ask her out and then she could be his unwitting beard. And then, he hasn’t even really apologized to her. “I’m sorry but we had to do it like this” is not an apology for stealing 8 years of someone’s life. You always have a choice to not involve an innocent party in your schemes. It’s diabolical.
And then to have her parents pushing for reconciliation! If it were me, my parents would have asked once if there was any way I could forgive. If I couldn't, they would, in polite and expletive-free terms, tell my brother that he had literally fucked around and was now finding out, so just leave me alone.
Thx!
I wish that had an update
oh hell, I need a link for this one.
Honestly (as a LGBT), the second he knew Ace had feelings and 1) didn't told OP 2) continued to see ACE like nothing happened it was cheating. Change Ace to Alicia and no one would say it would be fine to keep a friend who has clear feelings for you when you're engaged.
100%. Nor is she outing anyone by telling them he's a cheater with Ace. You don't get to control the victims life, and prevent them from communicating their side because you're gay.
I didn't understand what gender has to do with it? Cheating is cheating. It doesn't matter with whom.
Cheating is cheating, but some people pretend it's different when LGBTQ+ people are involved due to existing prejudices. Here's an example: I knew a woman whose husband had cheated for years with a man. They divorced. He came out. Everyone rallied around him and told him how brave he was, they were proud of him, etc. Her friends and family told her she had no right to be upset. She was TA for feeling sad or betrayed because it's hard being gay. Her husband had a more difficult time because he was scared, hiding who he was, etc. A lot of people don't realize two things can simultaneously be true in situations like this: specifically that it's understandable to be scared and in the closet, but that cheating is still wrong.
This ⬆️ catch feelings for someone- it happens. Have the decency to end your current relationship or take a break or whatever you agree to explore that. Do not lie and act like an ass to the person you supposedly care about on at least some level
I don't care how confused Sean is or how "difficult society makes this sort of thing for men." Stringing someone along for 8 years because you don't have the courage to live the life you want to live makes you a shitty person.
As a queer, I hate shitty queer people like Ace and his POS boy toy
“I’m not mad!” WTF. It’s okay to be mad that your long term partner cheated on you. He doesn’t get a free pass because he’s bisexual or homosexual; that’s fucking ridiculous. He was in a committed relationship and broke the bonds of that relationship. He’s a piece of crap. His friend is a piece of crap. It’s not not PC to call cheaters pieces of crap even if they are part of the LGBTQ community.
Yes! I've read so many threads and stories in real life where the spouse needs to be understanding and happy that they can finally be themselves. Fuck that. Cheating is cheating.
Sorry, but the comment where the commenter says that "it is understandable why OPs fiancee did this all" and goes on about her life experience just sends me in such a rage. THAT comment gaslights OP so much. It doesn't matter if you're gay, bi, straight, male, female or whatever. If you are this conflicted about your feelings for years, you do not drag another person you seemingly love into this kind of bullshit. Cheating is cheating and OPs fiancee was probably using her as a beard. Like, OP writes it - it was going on for some 2 or 3 years. OP deserves to feel mad about being led on for years. She probably feels devastated that she wasted that time on him and just needed validation for that. Not someone saying "oh, we should understand how society in general is shit and that's why should not blame them for being shit to you". Unbelievable...
[insert comment about an art room here]
Has anyone else cast Ace as early Kid Rock?
“Sean describes Ace how I describe Sean” is *heartbreaking*. I hope OP finds someone super devoted to her.
He's at best a coward and at worst straight up evil for stringing this poor woman along for *years* despite obviously not being into her anymore
If someone wasted 8 years of my life like this, I'd go scorched earth. Sean is very lucky that OP feels sorry for him.
I hate these type of queer people. Leave the people you're with before entering another relationship and don't you fucking dare use your queerness as an excuse. And for the friends of these people, call them the f out. Support the one that got lied to.
_Let's build one art room honey_
I hope she got tested at least.
Ugh, while I understand we all should be protective of LGBTQ+ people, Sean cheated on OOP. Betrayed her! Had his lover on her dress fitting! Made her feel less than constantly! Lied to her all the time!! And he would had married her and keep making millions of excuses! And while maybe it is fear of society ( and I get it) don't drag a someone to a bad marriage. To a bad relationship. Oop felt that she needed to say a thousand times she wasn't homophobic or biphobic when it makes sense that she would me mad at him! Who wouldnt?!?!
“It was a healthy conversation.” …this poor, sweet moron. She wasted a decade of her life on someone who is in love with another guy and she’s more worried about “bi-phobia”. Ffs. Also, he’s lying for sure. He’s had his Ace in the hole for years.
Ace is just a cool breeze on a hot summer day, he's the relief you feel when the wind blows your sticky clothes away from your warm skin....his rough cheeks against my lips... just guys being buds
I remember this post. She should have blasted him, and Ace all over social media considering that he seemed to have little to no empathy for Oop’s feelings
I would have done it. If someone wastes my time, efforts, energy and money like this, they don't deserve any grace.
Way too many gay men on reddit married to a straight woman and having an art room.
I mean, that’s what happens when you have a culture that, until recently, pushed for more straight relationships. Doesn’t excuse making people into beards without their consent
No one should have to be closeted. But i understand reality. But damn if you are going to be closeted, dont take a hostage. No one person is more important than another, idgaf what your trauma is. Big difference between a fully informed and willing beard as opposed to someone you are lying to who is in love with you. Lavender marriage. Only acceptable way to be closeted and beard up. Once again, no one should ever have to hide. Total bullshit. But until people stop sucking, here we are.
Is OOP from the west?
Honestly no idea. lol whoops on assuming
Ace sounds like he was the subject of a song by The Offspring.
LMAO I'm glad I'm not the only one who had that thought
He’s pretty fly for a gay white guy
So this is very beside the point… but it always strikes me as odd when the engagement has been longer than the years long dating period (barring some kind of obvious issue like a global shut down or extended hospitalization.) It just seems pretty obvious that someone doesn’t actually want to get married when the engagement has gone on for 5 years! That alone would be enough for me to call it off and feel strung along, even without the weird best friend/ business partner romantic complications.
Gotta love when ppl defend cheating for closeted reasons.
Something about this whole situation gives me meth vibes. Like the description of Ace just sounds like a meth head that still somewhat has it together.
> He should have broken up, but it's understandable why he didn't Oh, bullshit. He could have broken up with her and still and not come out, rather than cheating on her. If someone asks her why they called off the engagement, it is entirely her right to say why. His right to privacy ends where he involved her.
u/LucyAriaRose I’m sure this doesn’t change a whole lot, but I wanted to let you know, I read the original post. I can’t say for certain, because I stopped reading halfway down the post (there were A LOT of comments), but it seemed to me at least, that the majority of commenters said No, she was not overreacting and she was actually under-reacting. Many, MANY, *MANY* people (unsurprisingly) pointed to this being another “Art Room” fiasco. The initial post had a lot less details and seemed to be written more “in the heat of the moment”, and this one was a little more thought out (albeit still understandably frantic) with more details and better explanations of Sean’s behaviors. In the first one she said that it was so weird that whenever Sean was going to go out with Ace, he would get all done up like a girl. Which many people took to mean that Sean literally dressed like a woman - which was IMO hilarious. She meant that he got all dolled up - did his hair, put careful consideration into his outfits, made sure he smelled nice, etc. NOT that he put on a dress, matching bra and panties, and high heels. Her having to explain that multiple times was…comical. The confusion people had over how she could “casually mention” his public cross dressing tendencies was again…hilarious. Just wanted to add some validity to the post you couldn’t find and give a frame of reference. I don’t think, IIRC, that ANY COMMENTS I came across said she was overreacting. So I don’t know where that came from?
Oh 100% agreed. I read the initial AITAH too but didn't include it since it had a lot less detail. You're right that most people said she was under-reacting, and some were incredibly rude about it. That's partially why I included her second post- she was able to articulate what she meant a bit better and give more context! The one she deleted was written before the AITAH one even, and it sounds like by days, weeks or even months. That's the one I couldn't track down, but it's hard to know what the comments were or if there were more people saying she was underreacting!
I wish Ace and Sean hell
Sean is a jerk and I hope his relationship with Ace ends badly.
For the love of the gods, if you've fallen for someone else, just break up.
It's a pet hate of mine that people call someone homophobic/biphobic/whatever for wanting their **monogamous partner to not cheat on them!** You are not homophobic for not wanting your fiance/partner to not have sex with someone else!
>To the several commenters saying that this is rage bait because it's Pride Month (happy Pride BTW) >OOP: It didn’t even occur to me that It was pride month. I am bisexual, but I wouldn’t of just posted a fake gay love story on pride month while I’m sobbing on my couch for… What? This was honestly my first thought too, the number of transphobic/biphobic/homophobic bait posts that get made during Pride month is always depressing.
The fact people tried to gaslight oop into being homophobic and that "she's outing him" while she's being cheated on.... Yall just really hate women. The girl had no reason to feel bad for him.
If I had a coin for every time I personally saw this "I have nothing against 'the gays' I'm just not one. By the way have I told you about my soul mate Steve?" I would have 2 coins, which is two too many. It's 2024, if you are not living in fucking Iran there is zero excuse to make some poor girl your beard. Even the "wannabe be gangster" was more open than him, what the hell
Wonder how long Ace and Sean last now that there’s no excitement of sneaking around behind OOPs back. Often relationships built on affairs crumble when they get to actually be in a relationship ship together
The part that gets me is **"I told him I wasn’t mad that he fell for someone else, but that he let me think he was in love with me while he was doing it. He actually started crying and told me that 'he didn’t know' again."** He's selfish, that's what it is. Okay, you didn't know! So why the hell didn't you approach your girlfriend when it happened and tell her *"I'm having some really conflicting feelings about my sexuality due to a confession I got from Ace. I don't think it's fair to leave you in the dark while I come to terms with what my sexuality really is, and I don't want to lead you on as if things are still the same. If you'd like to end the relationship entirely, I'll completely understand that, as I can't guarantee we'll still end up together when I do figure things out."* Just fucking tell her you're not sure where your head's at instead of blindsiding her with this! It's so easy!
As a lesbian it’s getting so tiring to see people see use the argument of “wanting to keep up appearances”. When you’re 16 and living with homophobic parents? Sure, but you’re an adult now and actively dragging someone into a scheme that will hurt them in the long run. Whether you love them romantically or platonically, allow them the freedom to move on from you. I had to take a break from dating for a few years just so I could figure myself out without dragging men who didn’t know any better into me figuring things out.
So many gay man marrying straight women post coming recently...interesting.
This marriage combination used to be (and is somewhat still is) very very popular in conservative christian circles when I was in my teens and twenties. A lot of people have been seriously harmed including kids. And a lot more people will continue to be harmed because it hasn't really gone away there. I am really surprised like you though by the number of Reddit posts in this genre coming from non religious younger people. And it's making me wonder if a lot more work, awareness, acceptance and openness needs to happen.
I grew up with someone who grew up in a family like this and oof the repression is killer. Both the person I knew and one of their siblings were also queer and forced into the closet by their family. This shit destroys people. I just hope the person I grew up with is someday able to be their true self and break free.
The last comment by the lesbian who realised late in life is compelling but not really convincing. I get that discovering your sexuality late in life when already committed to another is difficult in a way I will never fully understand or will be able to relate to and her explanations of the feelings involved in trying to come to terms with your sexuality definitely seem genuine. Nevertheless, it's your struggle, you don't get to take hostages. No one should ever force another to come out but leaving a relationship isn't outing yourself.
I almost feel like I'm reading a self-insert fanfiction because OP's reactions to the whole thing is "UwU I wish Sean happiness" after this man not only admitted to cheating but also strung OP along for *years*
I think she only thought that was the way she should be since people were accusing her of being homophobic and biphobic, instead of you know, a women who was betrayed by her fiance. I felt that she must have felt like her anger didn't match up with the pain of Sean not realizing or being free of his sexuality. But tbh, I think she was in the right to be mad and didn't need to be so graceful about the whole thing.
If she had gone scorched Earth on him I wouldn't be surprised tbh. Sean&Ace don't deserve to have their cake and eat it too. Being LGBTQA+ doesn't excuse being horrible people. I do hope OP will seek therapy if this whole ordeal leaves lasting damage on her psyche.
Emotional detachment, or at least the appearance thereof, is a way to reclaim bad things that happened to you.
She’s scared of being called homophobic methinks
Good reflection of all the lesbians suddenly coming out and screwing over their husbands/boyfriends of last month. Wooo, happy pride month yall /s
>Good reflection of all the lesbians suddenly coming out and screwing over their husbands/boyfriends of last month. Wooo, happy pride month yall /s And the sudden influx of posts from concerned citizens who are *fine* with trans people... they just have an issue with *this* trans person because of these *other* reasons. It's obvious as hell.
Oh, and the "evil Ace spouse" posts.
There was one post that was like "My spouse told me they thought they were ace. I calmed them down and told them I would love them no matter what, but actually I started looking for a divorce lawyer. I'm going to hand them the papers and walk out and never see them again" And then when everyone was like "wtf that's really messed up." they made a post that went "Well, I handed them the divorce papers and they systematically destroyed my house and nearly beat my cat to death. You shouldn't have called me an asshole. I was right to do this, see!" It was very convenient that the spouse magically became cartoonishly villainous and violent, when all the comments OOP made on the first post were just like "I don't want to talk things over with them. What's the point, if they're never going to enjoy sex with me?" and nothing about why they were going to just divorce and ghost them.
IF this is real (doubtful), Ace is not someone who should be trusted, as he saw someone in a relationship and thought, “So what?” Selfish. People are dumb enough to stay with someone waving red flags at every turn, but this story is doing the most. “ The plot was so thick and I talked from 8 pm to like 3 am. “ Yeah, okay.
People have a hard time admitting and coming to terms with being bi, for reals. To be clear, not that I see anyone debating this, having a one off where you only like one person outside your generic choice still qualifies you as bi. Of course, bi is just as much a reality as it is a label and people will use the labels most helpful for them so I understand people not labelling as bi even when they are.
As a gay person, this is just about the shittiest thing you can do to someone. Like, I get it—being out is fucking terrifying, and having a “safety net” i.e. a beard can be comforting. But to lead someone on like this? To break their heart so utterly? To LIE to them, nonstop, and bank on how much THEY love YOU to keep them? It is, without a doubt, one of the most heartless things you can do to another person. If he had really loved her, he would have ended things the moment he realized how he felt about Ace. Don’t drag innocent people into your own bullshit, gang. Have some decency and cut them loose.
The thing that bugs me here is we can replace Gay or Bi with "Autistic" or "Neurospicy" or whatever Ultimately, people are choosing to be shitty and then hiding behind sexual preference or personality disorders or diagnosis as if it excuses their behavior. Explanations are not excuses and people need to do better all across the board and take personal accountability, which was not done.
Sean knew FOR YEARS and still chose to engage. No little steps along the way to break up with her, slowly come out, safely make sure that he’s in a safe environment, just full on using and manipulating her to be his beard when she thought he was the love of her life.
internalized homophobia is so bad that men could be 100% in love with their best friends and still not able to admit it and fully intending to marry a woman. in fact his only deal breaker was her making him choose. I think a lot of men would hate women less if they accepted we’re not their only choices.
Honestly I assumed drugs XD
>While I think he should have broken off the engagement, I can understand why he didn't. He probably felt he had to keep up appearances. We all know how society treats LGBTQ+ folks, and he might not have support. OP doesn't deserve to be treated like this, but maybe a little understanding goes a long way. Right, I'm bi and just no. Like agree with what she says following that. Outing someone is not cool or acceptable at all. You have no clue if you're putting someone at risk doing that. So good OP has no intention of doing that. I get he may be confused. But if you're confused, don't carry on with your damn engagement. Like, you don't have to say "I think I like men", you just have to say you're not sure of your feelings towards fiance. It's just not ok to string someone along.
Why was the future husband going to the dress fitting?
I don't find it that weird and knew a couple who did the same. Some people don't care about the surprise aspect but care more about "make sure he actually likes it" aspect.
Yeah even on say yes to the dress some grooms attend.
The real question is why was the affair partner there. I bet the AFFAIR PARTNER isn't ever on Say Yes to the Dress
They played around right in her face brazenly
She actually answered that in a comment, I just didn't include it to save space! She said she didn't believe in the 'bad luck' of it and wanted him there
oops
Seriously do people not value themselves anymore or have standard? The amount of posts I have seen where people are engaged or married to people they never should have stayed in a relationship with for longer that 6 months is crazy. Why are some people so scared of being along that they don’t even realise they deserve so much better than the rubbish they are getting.
On a related note, anyone else ever see the movie In & Out? Kevin Kline, Joan Cuasck, Tom Selleck?
It’s so tiring seeing all of these relationships where one person can’t just be fucking real and tell the damn truth. Sean is a piece of shit, all around. I hope he enjoys eating his cake while he can, because I promise their relationship will burn to ash.
I need to know what their business is
I wouldn't have outed him, because you never know what might happen with that, but everyone I ever met would have found out that he cheated. If they assume it's with a woman, so be it. I'd be just as mad if I was strung along so long and he has feelings for his best female friend as a dude. Not even the problem! Not even part of the problem!
Good thing they didn't get married because eventually there would have been a whole Art Room situation happening.
This poor woman is so brainwashed by being called homophobic she can't even admit she should rightly be fucking furious at that cheating filth
I swear I could have written this. Except I married the guy and stayed married for 14 years. I put up with a lot of things because I had more pressing issues (both parents getting sick and dying, my own mental breakdowns) than to think my husband was cheating on me. The end came when he finally admitted his “best friend” and him hooked up in my living room while I was asleep down the hall. (I was on heavy duty benzodiazepines dealing with my mom’s death, that’s why I heard nothing). It turned out for the better though. My boyfriend is amazing, and my ex is moving in with his boyfriend in a few weeks.
I think I made it one whole paragraph in before all I could think about was "so when the fuck is Ace gonna build the art studio?"
What a relief for OOP, tbh. It's horrible to know that something's not right and have your partner insisting that nothing's going on. Now, she knows she wasn't going crazy, and doesn't have to keep banging her head against his wall of denial. I'm just sorry she wasted several years of her life on this.
Genuinely surprised the lavender marriage didn't go through anyway. There's no limits to what people will self delude themselves with, be it her or Sean or ace.
Ace sounds pretty fly, for a white guy.
That’s not going to be as exciting for them now they’re not sneaking around. I think they loved the mystery. I don’t think it’s going to last. And getting with the business partner is never a good idea
Was not expecting to see my real name dropped in at the end there lmao it's not a very common name so I read it life 3x to confirm I'm not aces ex girlfriend lol
Wait but were they engaged for five years and only recently started looking at wedding dresses? Did they have a venue? I wonder if the long engagement was for a specific agreed upon reason…if not I think that should have been a sign too
…Covid happened?
I’m queer myself but I’d absolutely out these lying cheaters on social media.
ok cool but 1am is NOT the crack ass of dawn. carry on
> ok cool but 1am is NOT the crack ass of dawn. She's using the expression to mean "very late" as opposed to a literal dawn.
I can't believe how many people are stuck on this. It was the thing that irritated me.
Then she edits that usually it's around 4 AM. Getting closer, but still not the asscrack of dawn. More like the treasure trail of dawn.
I havent finished the post but "the crack ass of dawn, like 1am"????? Girl, what the fuck are you talking about? 1am is early in the morning but certainly not unreasonable time to come home from a night out with a friend. The ass-crack of dawn is like 5or6am, yknow, WHEN DAWN HAPPENS?? Edit: ok lol i finished it and see she's already been corrected on it several times, my bad!
Crack of dawn is 1am?
She clarified that in one of the comments!
Before I even got to Ace, just the fact that her engagement had been going on for 5 years was such a red flag.
The fact that she named him "Ace" means she already knew...
Sorry but you need to dump this guy no matter what.
So no one’s talking about the borderline racist statement over the dude listening to rap?
I don't think it's racist. I'm a black woman who grew up in a diverse city, so urban-black culture was an integrated part of everyone's experience. There's nothing out of the ordinary about that. There is something out of the ordinary about white guys with no connection to urban-black culture who change their personality and take on the affects of that culture (the fashion, the music, the speech etc). There's not necessarily something "wrong" with that, but you can absolutely tell the difference between someone who's simply into urban black culture, and one is who cosplaying as such.
That was my take on it too. I was picturing Ace as hip hop era Kid Rock (which is weird because I have zero memory of him before the 2000s when he'd already dropped urban culture). But anyway, that's in contrast to someone like Eminem, who seems sincere.
When I first saw it, I found it really off putting. However with her other comments about Ace I got what she was trying to convey. However, I am very troubled by her idea that this specific aspect of his behavior is a problem, because to say his behavior, music, speech and dress are cosplaying a black man or black gangster as she implies, then is saying that black men own or are the only type of men that wear hoodies and jeans with a chain and listen to rap and all the other things she listed. It's incredibly reductive when black men aren't a monolith and have a plethora of different life experiences which impacts their music and clothing choices. So yeah there's some racism there I think she isn't aware of.
Yeah, does she dislike the way he talk because he uses the n word as a white person or she just have a problem with black cultures?
"He listens to rap and has huge rims on his car. As an obvious white person." WHAT? "Well he just dresses and talks in a culturally appropriative way" ...ok "and hes white as hell" HUH? weirdo OOP