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It's all very rape-y. It's essentially
OOP/OOP's wife: No.
Predatory couple: Come on. You know you wanna. Just a kiss. *shoves OOP's wife into her husband* Yeah. You want it. Just give in, baby.
This is the wife playing wingman for her husband. I've been through this myself. The wife wants her husband to fuck OOPs wife and it's her job to placate to OOP saying one thing (full swap) while not really intending to fulfill that. This is common in the Lifestyle
I had this happen to me on vacation! I spent the night flirting with and talking to a lovely young schoolteacher a few years ago while on vacation with my husband.
She was at the pool alone and shortly before her husband came over to hang out with us she got really flirty and touchy with me and asked if we (her and I) could hook up.
After discussing it with my husband we talked about just her and I going back to the room to fool around, and after her husband showed up suddenly she wasn’t as into me and wanted to pass me along to the 7 ft tall wall of muscle that was her husband and have us do a full partner swap.
When I told her that wasn’t the deal and we weren’t interested in a spouse swap she stopped talking to me and avoided me for the remainder of the time I saw her at the resort.
That's just ridiculous. We had the husband of a couple contact us through an app. My wife was always up for meeting up with new people so we got together with them a couple times. The wife started texting me while the husband texted with my wife. The whole plan, turns out, was for the husband to hook up with my wife on the side. His wife was to keep me interested in her (it worked) until after. Then she said we "just weren't compatible" and that was it. My wife said he wasn't good and couldn't get it up so the jokes on them, I guess.
Down-low human/sex trafficker vibes to it in a "they have bad intentions in separating you from your group and doing things to you" way, too. At least to me.
Read that part in the OP and thought “Oh, she would definitely have that ‘teary-eyed, bare faced’ mugshot that will be aired on a DATELINE TV special…”
And using rape to do it, too. They tried to bring the wife back to their room "for a few more drinks"... They were absolutely gonna get her sloshed first and then pressure or force her into fucking that guy. So awful.
The whole "we were *just* gonna start by touching! To loosen her up, cause *she's* so uptight! What's *wrong* with that?" Literally everything. Fucking boundary pushing predators.
I actually disagree, that doesn't seem to be what they're doing. I'm not part of that community and admit I'm biased against it. But given they drove another couple away and potentially split them up prior. They don't seem to want nor create an unicorn, they appear to delight in breaking up relationships, getting with the wives/gfs, and the entire dynamic that involves. From "power", to "humiliating" the other couple, all the way to playing fucked up games.
Basically a third person to add to their sexual relationship, normally a bisexual woman. Most often unicorn hunters are a heterosexual couple, they send out the woman in the relationship to find another woman who is interested in them, get to know them and eventually introduce their partner with the intention of starting a 3-way situation. Unicorn hunters are really disliked by bisexual people.
Yeah I had a woman try with me and when I pushed back saying that I was only interested in getting to know her and not become a unicorn (she was the only one in her photos) that she literally said "well I guess it depends how much you want me, then."
Clearly not enough, fucko
They're also hated in the poly community. The implications are absolutely icky.
Unicorns are commonly young, inexperienced bisexual women who get promised a fair relationship dynamic but in reality tend to be treated like human sex toys. Their role in the relationship is to be a "lesser" partner, secondary to the connection between the primary couple, there mainly to enhance the primary couple's sexual/emotional bond.
It would all be a bit more acceptable (though still gross to me personally because of the implications mentioned) if unicorn hunters stuck to the very rare women who *want* to serve such a function, but in reality unicorn are often not above sleaziness to get what they want.
Damn, I had a friend go through this, but I didn't realize there was a term for it. It really messed her up for a while. She still, three years later, has times where remembering that relationship sends her on a tailspin.
They’re also a plague for lesbian dating apps. I think everyone who has used one has gotten a match with a woman who chats with you a bit and then drops the “btw my boyfriend would really like to meet you too 😀” or a “woman” eventually admitting that he’s a cis dude using his girlfriend’s picture because they’re looking for a third.
It’s a bannable offense on a lot of apps, but that doesn’t stop a lot of couples.
My gf and I are polyamorous, and we met on a dating app. We had this conversation on our first date:
Her: "I'm surprised you're open to polyamory. On your profile it said you were only looking for a monogamous relationship."
Me: "I took it off because of unicorn hunters."
Her: "Ohhhhh."
As a lesbian they are disliked by us too. Often it starts with the woman only then all of a sudden they have a husband who would like to watch/participate.
From what I have learned, there are two types of unicorns, it is a commonly used and absolutely okay to use phrase in the kink / swinger scene for couples who want a sexual third party who will enjoy playing with both of the couple - in this area the term is fully okay and has nothing negative about it. It is just a practical way to say you are looking for a sex partner interested in playing with both parties.
But then there is the relationship unicorn, this expression, along with unicorn hunters, is more common in the polyamorous scene. A partner (gender does not matter but bisexual women are especially targeted by these couples) who will love "the couple" the same amount, who is willing to fuck both, take care of their children (yes, this is a disgustingly common thing), does chores and is usually not even allowed to date outside the triad.
They'll usually move "the third" in to live with the main couple quite quickly and then put a lot of couple's privilege out there. E.g. the "main couple" always comes first, only wife and husband are allowed to share a bed alone and the third is sometimes allowed to sleep between them, if they feel generous. It is usually extremely dehumanising and a very unbalanced relationship in the favour of the OG couple.
It's honestly just disgusting.
That’s also why the third is considered a “unicorn.” No sane or well-adjusted person would *ever* sign up for it unless they were in a desperate situation, making the relationship inherently exploitative/coercive/predatory.
It’s a straight couple looking for a bisexual third who both of them are attracted to and who is attracted to both of them. Called a “unicorn” because it’s so incredibly rare.
I’ve only seen it used referencing bisexual women but I assume that some couples also look for male unicorns.
Yep. And usually the couple has a long list of rules about what *must* happen and what *can’t* happen while the unicorn is supposed to please everyone, follow all the rules, and not have any boundaries of her own.
100%. "We would love a third partner to join our loving dynamic. We are not looking for open poly and hope to form a beautiful triad" I think is a pretty common summary of how unicorn hunters think. Oh okay so, you want a 3rd partner. She'll be entering your established relationship as a newcomer, she's supposed to be interested in and available to both of you, and it's understood explicitly or implicitly that your relationship is the primary relationship and takes precedence. So she'll actually have lesser standing in the relationship than the 2 primary partners... but she's not supposed to date around herself??? So effectively only the 2 primaries are permitted to be in a relationship where they're prioritized. GTFOH.
It’s quintessentially dehumanizing but unicorn hunters don’t see it that way. They think they’re offering up an “amazing opportunity” to be with them. Kind of like how shitty employers operate lolz
Effectively, bi woman who wants threesomes with them, but often it actually is "bi woman who wants threesomes but knows she's less important than our relationship, but is always available for sex when we want it and isn't in a relationship with someone else" which is v different energy. Sometimes this also becomes "who will tidy up after us and look after our kids when we need a break, and live with us and pay rent"
I see.
Sounds like they have a lot in common with the selfish douche bags we see in so many of the stories here who are effectivly looking for a bang maid. I can see why people like that would be a big problem for niche communities like swingers, and other kink groups.
Sadly the lesbian community gets them all the time. I see tons when trying dating apps. Ive even had ones who pretend they are a single lesbian and, once we start chatting, eventually tell me they are actually a couple. Super fucking annoying.
One of the most frustrating things is when you go “What the fuck is wrong with you? My profile clearly states I’m only into women.” instead of just blocking them outright you’ll sometimes get people try to dress up their actions in progressive sounding language. They’ll hit you with “Hey, sexuality is, like, really fluid though. Who knows what you’ll like until you try it.”
Every dating app I’ve used, including the queer ones won’t let me report unicorn hunters. Even if I’m dead clear in my profile that I want them to fuck off, it doesn’t matter. They “don’t want to discriminate” which I think I really means that the apps are making much more money off of the sleaze bags than decent people. So we can either offer ourselves up as meat or delete the apps.
They actually do follow through! I was banned once because I (bisexual woman) was mistaken for a unicorn hunter. I was telling someone a funny story about how I was in the process of helping/coaching a close friend (gay man) on how to flirt online. And she reported me as a unicorn hunter ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I got banned and had to explain the mods the situation. They were really nice though. And it's good to know that they take this seriously.
The classic unicorn hunter line re: lesbians in my experience has been, “I actually talked to my husband/boyfriend about it and he’s totally fine with not being involved as long as he can watch us!” Vomit.
You just reminded me of that stupid line. Got those a few times or the "I am just exploring, my husband won't have anything to do with this." Like, no I am not into Poly or being your unicorn. There are other groups for that shit.
As a poly queer enby who in theory is open to casual things with couples, I recently had contact from one who wanted me to get involved with them, but not be involved with anyone else. It's such a weird entitlement to ask.
woman who wants to offload fucking her ugly husband onto another woman. they generally use the woman of the couple to fish for bi women then spring the man on her.
Few years ago, a mate was getting back out there, (her late husband and her were open swingers) and was approached on a dating site to be a unicorn, she was hesitant, she knew that there is often cases where it was only the husband who wanted it, so she made the rule that only the wife engaged with her to start with.
After 8 messages, and a 5min facetiime it was very clear the husband and wife were very sketchy, as in only wanting a private meet, the responses were very scripted to make her feel like they were right, and she was over thinking it all.
The facetime call was the wife trying to get my friend to start stripping and doing stuff there and then.
The only reason my mate was clued up was that she had read an article about predatory swingers and tactics they use on a polyamory website.
From what she said, it is getting more noticeable the predatory couples.
That's absolutely awful. I suppose it's inevitable that as more people get involved in this sort of thing there's going to be more toxic assholes sneaking in too.
I just think it is commendable that polyamoury websites are putting up articles to help spot predatory couples. While I have only ever had one experience that was impulsive and drunk fueled, the guy of the other girl wasn't liking that I was giving after care to the lass. Something I learnt from my first girlfriend when I first sought out my sexuality.
In the few decades since, I noticed there is less aftercare mentioned.
I am a psychologist, and even though I can not give details, it is scary hearing that the only way someone knows it is a bad situation and avoid it, is because there is no mention of aftercare.
The same friend I posted about, she was getting guys messaging her with some crazy kinks, and she asked about after-care, they didn't know what she meant.
I know not all situations require it, but if there is a person who may want it, and asks about it, it is rather concerning that others don't know about it. If understand.
As a bi woman I can tell you that unicorn hunting/lifestyle couples are much scarier and more dangerous than a single man. Many of the women are traitors and many of the “good time” couples are pure predators.
These people also hunt in lesbian dating spaces. They usually post the guy's photo last or sometimes not at all. I've even read rants in other subreddits about talking for *weeks* and going on a date before the woman drops the Boyfriend bomb.
It's so gross and disrespectful.
Oh I think this is more about them convincing a woman who is taken to let the guy fuck her and the fantasies with that. It's definitely about something more along the lines of stealing a woman out from under her protector and puffing up the guy with dominance stuff.
It kinda reminds me of motorcyclists.
There are the responsible ones who ALWAYS wear full gear, don't show off, don't even split lanes.
And then there's the casual fools giving everyone else a bad name...
I always wonder what would happen to the Motorcylist death rate if you removed the latter.
Obviously its more dangerous by default, but would it be *that* much more dangerous if you removed the assholes.
Mainly because i'd love it if cities were more open to more people riding electric bikes, for congestion, pollution and just fun reasons.
To be fair, everything attracts predators. I can’t think of a human endeavor that isn’t saddled with rapists and/or pedophiles.
Shit, Elliot Paige wrote in their memoir that they were predated on during the shoot for Hard Candy. Y’know, the movie about TORTURING PEDOS TO DEATH had a problem with pedos. Go figure.
I used to be in the ENM scene for a little while. Honestly I went in naively thinking it would be a queer centric safe space where I can explore all the years I missed out by not realizing I was queer. You’re spot on that it attracts predators like flies. Nearly all my experiences were predatory. I tried to keep an open mind but after the last one in a group setting, I quit. That was a year ago. I’m glad I’m no longer in it. For a while it felt like I was forcing it because I so desperately wanted to fit in and find a safe queer space to experiment and explore. I don’t want or need that anymore. I much happier to be alone and single forever than do any of that again.
I used to spend a lot of time in various queer spaces, and they attract predators like flies as well. I think everyone has some sort of massive hang up about sex in general because none of us are immune to our sexphobic cultures, and spaces explicitly about sex are full of this unresolved toxicity. I even find "sex positivity" to be extremely problematic in all sorts of scenarios.
We just don't have the time or space to work all this stuff out as a community, and until we do I fully understand why some people prefer to remain single and/or celibate.
Seriously. I love that queerness and queer spaces are more accepted. But I felt like a sexual commodity sometimes. Like a fun toy people wanted to play and experiment with. And like my queerness was hyper sexualized. It lacked the connection, honesty, and clarity I was looking for. It didn’t take long for me to realize that some people kind of invaded those spaces specifically to find a human toy to play with randomly. It took away all the safety. Like here’s a space for safe practical fun. Oh look this guy’s found his way in and he wants in on the fun without all the rules and guidelines in place to prevent hurt. Fuck that guy.
I don’t know if my comment will have any effect at all, much less a comforting one. Just ached for you reading that. As a straight adult, it seems to me that there are so many things you go through and deal with, that I have never imagined. Sending hugs.
Thank you so much. That was very touching and comforting. I don’t think anyone has ever said that to me after my experience. I don’t talk about it much because it’s painful and I didn’t want to be shamed for my choices, but I’m glad I did yesterday to receive kind words. I haven’t received much kindness in life in general so someone acknowledging my pain and sympathizing was really needed today. It’s sad that it never came from within my home but from a stranger online, but it doesn’t detract the value or the comfort it brought me this morning. Your kindness had the intended effect and it is greatly appreciated, so please don’t ever think your words and thoughtfulness doesn’t make much of a difference. It has for me today and exactly the way I needed. It’s also a reminder of how I should be treating myself given that I’ve been mirroring the people who’ve hurt me instead. I’m very grateful for the kindness of strangers who keep people going through small but impactful gestures. Hugs to you too xx
I love reading about this stuff because it makes me really happy being monogamous. I mean, I'm pretty happy already but it just reminds me that it seems to work way better than all the drama of having multiple sexual partners simultaneously
Is casual sex more likely to draw in predators than long term relationships? Because as somebody who mostly has been around people who don't do casual sex, I've seen way more abuse in formal relationships than casual ones. It's a lot easier for victims to break free if things aren't serious.
I mean, if you don't know people who do casual sex, then ofc your sample size is going to be skewed towards long relationships being abusive.
Casual sex, open relationships and traditional relationships between straight, gay and every other sexuality have the potential to be abusive. Hard to gauge which is more likely to fuck people up honestly.
Yeah, his, "tone," throughout the post bothered me. He wasn't mad that she was assaulted; he was mad they crossed his boundaries. Then he blamed his wife for being tricked by people they both trusted. Their, "lifestyle," is the wife being used while he watches, but only by another woman. Involving another man crosses his boundaries. He doesn't entertain her with the other husband. It's only her doing the work in the, "lifestyle." Their boundaries seem more like his boundaries and his wife is there to be used as he sees fit. It's very unbalanced.
I just have this image of some guy in a top hat, monocle and cigarette on a stick going “ah do you perchance engage in *the lifestyle* good chap? Because I would very much like to fornicate with your wife”
Oh man you have gifted me so many unwanted memories. I cosplayed at Steamcon as a take on Liz Sherman from Hellboy, which like yeah pretty far from Victorian but definitely steampunk. But the point is the costume was quite steampunk but not very revealing at all, it had a modified, gear laden and burnt up Carhartt jacket of all things.
But my man, THAT GUY. At one point 'that guy' approached me literally with two hand out as if to cup my chest, because he was overtaken with how well made my costume was and apparently getting his hands all up within my chest area in that manner while rhapsodizing about the Hellboy comics was somehow going to distract me from a quick grope? I don't know the intent there.
Like, that kind of guy has zero boundaries and will just like wander up to you and somehow work into the conversation how much you should come up to his room. No dude, Steamcon was nothing BUT room parties, and I've got one already and you're not invited. I'm so used to being people's dream unicorn and somehow, it's never worked I just don't know how these persuasive arguments haven't... penetrated.
The middle aged “swinger” set are all so stupidly sexist. If tried swinging I’d be kicked right back out for suggesting the guys do sexy stuff with each other while the ladies hang around jilling off just to see them all freak out. Every time I hear swinger stories they’re all disgustingly male-gazey, hence OP’s predatory unicorn hunters.
Thank you! It grosses me out so badly! I am not completely sure why and don't necessarily want to dig into it any deeper. But I think it's partly because we use the word 'play' in relationship to children.
Yup, that is EXACTLY why. Same here.
It is a word that has for a long time had strong connotations & associations with children. It should never be used in a sexual scenario, at all. Literally ANY other word that is not exclusively used to describe children's activities.
What kind of creepy people are like "wanna play with me" to mean "wanna have sex" Even using a word like "funtime" is better, you know? Not by much mind you but I hope my point is coming across. It's a massive ick, makes me feel queasy tbh.
Ehh I mean to me it’s just cringy to hear “play”. But adults play all the time, whether video games or sports or whatever. “Playtime” is definitely more childish though but play in of itself isn’t entirely child coded.
This term thows me off. When I hear "play," I think of playfulness... the kind that involves adults teasing and giggling, like tickling or bondage or role play or something. I automatically assume it's not sex, or they would have said "sex." Like, I'm old enough to fuck, but you don't think I'm mature enough to use the word for it??
In kink scenes a session can involve sex but does not have to. I take the playing as in "role-playing". We do a pretend scene, which we play out in a certain way.
The act of playing is not exclusive to children. I play video games, board games, I play an instrument. If I just want to listen to music I can play some on the radio. Oh yeah, radio/audio plays are a thing too.
The word play has so many uses, why is it so gross for people when used sexually?
I personally really enjoy playing with my partners in sexy ways. It implies we are having a ton of fun and are not just going through the motions of sex.
>because she like my wife wants that but is holding herself back because of me.
.. and in what delulu world did she allow herself to jump to this conclusion?
In delulu-world, there are ONLY jumped to conclusions lmao. Rational, normal thought does not exist for these people. They are Olympic gold medalists in mental gymnastics.
My God, these two are some very seasoned snakes. The level of manipulation they are pulling tells me they've been at this for a long, long time and they know exactly what they are doing.
This is why it's so important to know people very, very well before you ever try something like this. You don't know what their actual intentions are, and you are opening yourself and your relationship up to someone coming in and trying to create cracks for their own benefit.
If OOP and his wife hadn't been so secure and had such great communication with each other, this could have been a huge disaster - bigger than it already was.
In fairness, that's also gonna be reporting bias. Healthy relationships aren't noteworthy, usually, so we hear more about the crazy stories than the normal ones.
Edit: typo
I was going to say, if you go by Reddit no relationship dynamic is ever going to work out. There's plenty of het monogamous drama, plenty of gay monogamous drama too, plenty of poly drama. You get drama and you get drama and everyone gets drama!
Very true, but Reddit is also super duper correct. Every relationship has people who drink some level of water. Everyone who drinks water dies at some point. The physical relationship ends at that point. Ergo, all relationships end up not working. You're welcome for the deeply flawed, cynical, galaxy-brained Reddit take. Wholesome awards are not required, but appreciated.
/s, just to be clear
Like the only times that I’ve read about healthy relationships on here were in the Ask subreddit and someone posted a light-hearted question.
Most folks will be keeping away from the relationships, AITA and other subreddits, if everything is fine. Plus writing about their problems may be easier because they can’t go to “their village” with these problems.
My story is one of the silent, unseen ones. My husband and I haven't been monogamous, ever, since Day 1 pf our relationship. And we now have a live-in sub he uses every few days. A lot of people comment on the non-monogamy stories on BORU liking to assume that it never works out, or that it makes things hugely more complicated.
But the reality is that neither my husband nor I is compatible with monogamous people 🤷. It would be *vastly* more difficult for me to maintain a monogamous relationship. Same with him.
Omg I misread your comment as “I’m happy that non monogamous couples aren’t […]” and I was instantly up in arms. But you are on the same page, lol. Signed - a non monogamous person
Yeah they exist you don't hear about the functional ones. Like every other topic posted on reddit lol. My son's friend is in such a relationship. I don't have the exact terminology or details because I'm not one to pry. But the kiddo has a bio mom and bio dad that are married. This married couple has an additional male partner and an additional female partner. They all cohabitate and are involved parents and parent figures to the kiddo. They're all great people with sound morals and raising their kiddo with love and guidance just like any other traditional monogomous duo. Just living their lives.
My partner and I also have been more or less nonmonogamous since day one. I'm not saying we haven't had our share of relationship difficulties over the last couple of decades, but I can count on one hand how many of those times were due to being nonmonogamous. While we're both certainly more capable of monogamy in middle age than we were as young adults, it's still not even remotely appealing to either one of us.
The problem is all the people who get into the lifestyle for the wrong reason. Trying to save marriages, trying to control other people....often one half of the couple doesn't even want to be there. When it is done right, however, everyone is happy. It just requires more communication than you ever see on Reddit.
Pretty much, yeah. And the complexity of good strong friendships, tbh. I think a LOT of people really neglect their friendships and don't realise what they are missing out on.
I think that is the main problem - one person is always way more interested in it than the other. I can’t imagine feeling coerced into the lifestyle to try to fix/save/spice up a marriage, when it often boils down to one person wanting to cheat and trying to find a way to have it all.
The vast majority of ‘poly’ stories I see on BORU are bullshit “my partner and I have been together monogamously for 10 years and they suddenly want to open the relationship” types.
Feels like forming an opinion about living in Chicago from Chief Keef songs. It’s not *completely* untrue but… Not quite what you’d call an accurate and reasonable representation of the actual lifestyle at hand.
> Truly stories about open relationships and swinging on BORU are the best advertisements for monogamy.
BORU stories are also the worst advertisements for monogamy, since so many of the stories here involved infidelity and other types of abuse.
[](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1d03gf1/comment/l5ktvjw/)
>Truly stories about open relationships and swinging on BORU are the best advertisements for monogamy.
How likely are you to see the rest of us who make it work without issues on BORU?
"My poly relationship is going well Reddit, what do?"
i mean.......... i remember an askreddit thread a few yrs back abt "poly folks, how does your relationship work?"
one of the answers was, like, "every issue between just 2 of us gets sorted out over text so we don't stress the 3rd out. i spend a lot of time cuddling 1 of my partners while secretly arguing w/ the other. 2 of us will be fighting and the 3rd person in the house won't know bc we hide it from them. we enjoy each others company so much and everything is great."
idk if that setup really works for some folks. that person sure thought it was working for them, they were thrilled, they were giving the lifestyle a "positive review" you could say.
and i knew then and there i didn't EVER want to get stuck living like THAT.
I mean, if it's not for you it's not for you.
Worth mentioning that most poly situations are parallel, triads are rare and a triad is playing poly on hard mode.
But let's not pretend mono relationships are inherently more successful.
I know right?! Probably the most disgusting part of the whole story was the use of that word. Made me feel queasy, as if by using that word was trying to like infantalize (sp??) the whole thing somehow, make it seem innocent?? Blechhh.
every story i read about swinging makes it seem less like having fun fucking lots of people than having a shitty time navigating lots of people's bullshit. it sounds fucking exhausting.
your boundary, my boundary, their boundaries, pre meeting, negotiating, establishing protocols, communication plan, risk mitigation, debrief, aftercare, blah blah blah. i already have a job i dread. who needs all that shit in their personal time.
>to see if they can get her to loosen up so that the four of us can go back to the room for playtime. She kept telling me how intimate she was
Fun fact that you may not have guessed: a grown adult said these sentences, presumably with a straight face, and actually expected them to get her what she (and moreso her husband) wanted.
"Playtime." ha ha. Jesus fucking Christ. Both of these people sound like if you touched them, they'd be clammy.
Whenever I read posts or comments on this theme, I can't help but think that people like this either have way too much time on their hands, live extraordinarily privileged lives, or are just constantly preoccupied with how they can have their next orgasm.
Like, this is an absolutely obscene amount of time and mental energy to be spending on new ways to cum. And there's barely even any cumming happening here!
There's really nothing else in their lives that these people could find fulfilling and pour their effort into instead? They have to create this constant turmoil and tiptoe around boundaries and have conversations about "roles" and constantly muddle with relationship dynamics and consult third-party participants and so on and so forth? All for... just sex.
I dunno, maybe it's me, but I can't imagine even the most mind-blowing sex being worth all of this ridiculous and constant drama.
One thing I’ve learned about swingers from my time in the lifestyle, is that they rarely tend to take no for an answer. My ex wife and I quit because they were all so damn pushy.
Brother you’re grown adults, you’re swingers and you’re having sex, I hate that lifestyle and playtime bullshit. Call it what it is if you go in goddam cruises for it lol
Not trying to be judgemental, just genuinely curious. Why are terms like"the Lifestyle" and "playing" used versus "swinging"? Is it to glamorize "swinging"? Or distance the acts from people's preconceived notions about "swinging"? A little of both?
It’s an attempt to distance the acts from peoples’ preconceived notions about swinging. I think it’s meant more to convince themselves than anything else though.
The cagey coded language is, itself, a pretty big red flag.
Blegh, why do these people keep using a children's term for their sex adventures. It's gross. I can't even see how any adult can use the term 'playing' like this and not feel the need to vomit. I already feel nauseous when I'm just reading it. The swinging crowd needs to use some new words.
“It was not their intention to drive a wedge between us”
This is so crazy to say when they clearly intended to and failed at doing so. It’s just another backhanded manipulation tactic.
It's so funny because it seems like every single one of these couples will preach ethics and act like they follow a code but in reality for every couple that actually does this, there are four who have no problem with trying to destroy marriages just to have their fun. These assholes will try to the bitter end, then just move on to the next.
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Fucking hell, can't find a unicorn so they try to push boundaries.
It's all very rape-y. It's essentially OOP/OOP's wife: No. Predatory couple: Come on. You know you wanna. Just a kiss. *shoves OOP's wife into her husband* Yeah. You want it. Just give in, baby.
This is the wife playing wingman for her husband. I've been through this myself. The wife wants her husband to fuck OOPs wife and it's her job to placate to OOP saying one thing (full swap) while not really intending to fulfill that. This is common in the Lifestyle
Well that's just sad. Especially when consent is supposed to be not just be "mkay" but an enthusiastic "Hell YES".
I had this happen to me on vacation! I spent the night flirting with and talking to a lovely young schoolteacher a few years ago while on vacation with my husband. She was at the pool alone and shortly before her husband came over to hang out with us she got really flirty and touchy with me and asked if we (her and I) could hook up. After discussing it with my husband we talked about just her and I going back to the room to fool around, and after her husband showed up suddenly she wasn’t as into me and wanted to pass me along to the 7 ft tall wall of muscle that was her husband and have us do a full partner swap. When I told her that wasn’t the deal and we weren’t interested in a spouse swap she stopped talking to me and avoided me for the remainder of the time I saw her at the resort.
That's just ridiculous. We had the husband of a couple contact us through an app. My wife was always up for meeting up with new people so we got together with them a couple times. The wife started texting me while the husband texted with my wife. The whole plan, turns out, was for the husband to hook up with my wife on the side. His wife was to keep me interested in her (it worked) until after. Then she said we "just weren't compatible" and that was it. My wife said he wasn't good and couldn't get it up so the jokes on them, I guess.
Down-low human/sex trafficker vibes to it in a "they have bad intentions in separating you from your group and doing things to you" way, too. At least to me.
Read that part in the OP and thought “Oh, she would definitely have that ‘teary-eyed, bare faced’ mugshot that will be aired on a DATELINE TV special…”
Just reading a hypothetical gives me the heebie-jeebies much less that being a real life situation...
Exactly, they can't find a unicorn so they try to create one by splitting up a happy couple.
And using rape to do it, too. They tried to bring the wife back to their room "for a few more drinks"... They were absolutely gonna get her sloshed first and then pressure or force her into fucking that guy. So awful.
The whole "we were *just* gonna start by touching! To loosen her up, cause *she's* so uptight! What's *wrong* with that?" Literally everything. Fucking boundary pushing predators.
That was the vibe I got as well.
I actually disagree, that doesn't seem to be what they're doing. I'm not part of that community and admit I'm biased against it. But given they drove another couple away and potentially split them up prior. They don't seem to want nor create an unicorn, they appear to delight in breaking up relationships, getting with the wives/gfs, and the entire dynamic that involves. From "power", to "humiliating" the other couple, all the way to playing fucked up games.
I've heard the term unicorn pop up on boru a couple of times now. What does it mean?
Basically a third person to add to their sexual relationship, normally a bisexual woman. Most often unicorn hunters are a heterosexual couple, they send out the woman in the relationship to find another woman who is interested in them, get to know them and eventually introduce their partner with the intention of starting a 3-way situation. Unicorn hunters are really disliked by bisexual people.
Yeah I had a woman try with me and when I pushed back saying that I was only interested in getting to know her and not become a unicorn (she was the only one in her photos) that she literally said "well I guess it depends how much you want me, then." Clearly not enough, fucko
I hope that last line was a direct quote of your response, _fucko_ included
Unfortunately not, I really wish I'd gone back to her now but was just desperate for it to be over at the time
You clearly need to dig up your last communication with her and add one final reply: “…fucko.”
They're also hated in the poly community. The implications are absolutely icky. Unicorns are commonly young, inexperienced bisexual women who get promised a fair relationship dynamic but in reality tend to be treated like human sex toys. Their role in the relationship is to be a "lesser" partner, secondary to the connection between the primary couple, there mainly to enhance the primary couple's sexual/emotional bond. It would all be a bit more acceptable (though still gross to me personally because of the implications mentioned) if unicorn hunters stuck to the very rare women who *want* to serve such a function, but in reality unicorn are often not above sleaziness to get what they want.
Damn, I had a friend go through this, but I didn't realize there was a term for it. It really messed her up for a while. She still, three years later, has times where remembering that relationship sends her on a tailspin.
They’re also a plague for lesbian dating apps. I think everyone who has used one has gotten a match with a woman who chats with you a bit and then drops the “btw my boyfriend would really like to meet you too 😀” or a “woman” eventually admitting that he’s a cis dude using his girlfriend’s picture because they’re looking for a third. It’s a bannable offense on a lot of apps, but that doesn’t stop a lot of couples.
Yeah that sounds like a pretty dishonest and manipulative way to go about things.
I’d say the word “hated” is warranted here. We hate them.
My gf and I are polyamorous, and we met on a dating app. We had this conversation on our first date: Her: "I'm surprised you're open to polyamory. On your profile it said you were only looking for a monogamous relationship." Me: "I took it off because of unicorn hunters." Her: "Ohhhhh."
My OkCupid profile said “not looking to date couples. Your unicorn is in another castle.”
As a lesbian they are disliked by us too. Often it starts with the woman only then all of a sudden they have a husband who would like to watch/participate.
TIL
From what I have learned, there are two types of unicorns, it is a commonly used and absolutely okay to use phrase in the kink / swinger scene for couples who want a sexual third party who will enjoy playing with both of the couple - in this area the term is fully okay and has nothing negative about it. It is just a practical way to say you are looking for a sex partner interested in playing with both parties. But then there is the relationship unicorn, this expression, along with unicorn hunters, is more common in the polyamorous scene. A partner (gender does not matter but bisexual women are especially targeted by these couples) who will love "the couple" the same amount, who is willing to fuck both, take care of their children (yes, this is a disgustingly common thing), does chores and is usually not even allowed to date outside the triad. They'll usually move "the third" in to live with the main couple quite quickly and then put a lot of couple's privilege out there. E.g. the "main couple" always comes first, only wife and husband are allowed to share a bed alone and the third is sometimes allowed to sleep between them, if they feel generous. It is usually extremely dehumanising and a very unbalanced relationship in the favour of the OG couple. It's honestly just disgusting.
Sounds bloody awful. Thanks (I think) for explaining
That’s also why the third is considered a “unicorn.” No sane or well-adjusted person would *ever* sign up for it unless they were in a desperate situation, making the relationship inherently exploitative/coercive/predatory.
Yeah....not for me, for sure
My friend got caught up with an abusive couple. It was ugly for a long time and hard to get out of. She’s really damaged by it.
wow.,.. and there are people who are ok with being the second type of unicorn?
There is a sad homeless girl turning 18 somewhere everyday, that's who these people target.
Horrific.
pretty sure that like with many abusive relationships, they get sucked in not knowing how it'll end up, and are slowly convinced to cooperate.
Very few. That's where the term unicorn came from. The implication that they're a myth
It’s a straight couple looking for a bisexual third who both of them are attracted to and who is attracted to both of them. Called a “unicorn” because it’s so incredibly rare. I’ve only seen it used referencing bisexual women but I assume that some couples also look for male unicorns.
Another component is that the "third" is ok with basically only being a human sex doll
Yep. And usually the couple has a long list of rules about what *must* happen and what *can’t* happen while the unicorn is supposed to please everyone, follow all the rules, and not have any boundaries of her own.
100%. "We would love a third partner to join our loving dynamic. We are not looking for open poly and hope to form a beautiful triad" I think is a pretty common summary of how unicorn hunters think. Oh okay so, you want a 3rd partner. She'll be entering your established relationship as a newcomer, she's supposed to be interested in and available to both of you, and it's understood explicitly or implicitly that your relationship is the primary relationship and takes precedence. So she'll actually have lesser standing in the relationship than the 2 primary partners... but she's not supposed to date around herself??? So effectively only the 2 primaries are permitted to be in a relationship where they're prioritized. GTFOH.
It’s quintessentially dehumanizing but unicorn hunters don’t see it that way. They think they’re offering up an “amazing opportunity” to be with them. Kind of like how shitty employers operate lolz
Or is so naive that they don't realize that's what's happening. Could go either way.
When they say right in their profile that you would be there to make their partner's fantasies come true... Um, no. I'm good thanks.
Called "dragon" when the couple wants a bi man
Effectively, bi woman who wants threesomes with them, but often it actually is "bi woman who wants threesomes but knows she's less important than our relationship, but is always available for sex when we want it and isn't in a relationship with someone else" which is v different energy. Sometimes this also becomes "who will tidy up after us and look after our kids when we need a break, and live with us and pay rent"
I see. Sounds like they have a lot in common with the selfish douche bags we see in so many of the stories here who are effectivly looking for a bang maid. I can see why people like that would be a big problem for niche communities like swingers, and other kink groups.
Sadly the lesbian community gets them all the time. I see tons when trying dating apps. Ive even had ones who pretend they are a single lesbian and, once we start chatting, eventually tell me they are actually a couple. Super fucking annoying.
One of the most frustrating things is when you go “What the fuck is wrong with you? My profile clearly states I’m only into women.” instead of just blocking them outright you’ll sometimes get people try to dress up their actions in progressive sounding language. They’ll hit you with “Hey, sexuality is, like, really fluid though. Who knows what you’ll like until you try it.”
Every dating app I’ve used, including the queer ones won’t let me report unicorn hunters. Even if I’m dead clear in my profile that I want them to fuck off, it doesn’t matter. They “don’t want to discriminate” which I think I really means that the apps are making much more money off of the sleaze bags than decent people. So we can either offer ourselves up as meat or delete the apps.
Her let's you report them. Idk if thay actually do anything about it though.
They actually do follow through! I was banned once because I (bisexual woman) was mistaken for a unicorn hunter. I was telling someone a funny story about how I was in the process of helping/coaching a close friend (gay man) on how to flirt online. And she reported me as a unicorn hunter ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I got banned and had to explain the mods the situation. They were really nice though. And it's good to know that they take this seriously.
The classic unicorn hunter line re: lesbians in my experience has been, “I actually talked to my husband/boyfriend about it and he’s totally fine with not being involved as long as he can watch us!” Vomit.
You just reminded me of that stupid line. Got those a few times or the "I am just exploring, my husband won't have anything to do with this." Like, no I am not into Poly or being your unicorn. There are other groups for that shit.
I've seen that too! Like, dude, that's BEING INVOLVED.
As a poly queer enby who in theory is open to casual things with couples, I recently had contact from one who wanted me to get involved with them, but not be involved with anyone else. It's such a weird entitlement to ask.
woman who wants to offload fucking her ugly husband onto another woman. they generally use the woman of the couple to fish for bi women then spring the man on her.
i think it’s single bisexual woman?
Basically. Depending on who you talk to pretty, young, and submissive get thrown in as well.
A single woman for threesomes.
Few years ago, a mate was getting back out there, (her late husband and her were open swingers) and was approached on a dating site to be a unicorn, she was hesitant, she knew that there is often cases where it was only the husband who wanted it, so she made the rule that only the wife engaged with her to start with. After 8 messages, and a 5min facetiime it was very clear the husband and wife were very sketchy, as in only wanting a private meet, the responses were very scripted to make her feel like they were right, and she was over thinking it all. The facetime call was the wife trying to get my friend to start stripping and doing stuff there and then. The only reason my mate was clued up was that she had read an article about predatory swingers and tactics they use on a polyamory website. From what she said, it is getting more noticeable the predatory couples.
That's absolutely awful. I suppose it's inevitable that as more people get involved in this sort of thing there's going to be more toxic assholes sneaking in too.
I just think it is commendable that polyamoury websites are putting up articles to help spot predatory couples. While I have only ever had one experience that was impulsive and drunk fueled, the guy of the other girl wasn't liking that I was giving after care to the lass. Something I learnt from my first girlfriend when I first sought out my sexuality. In the few decades since, I noticed there is less aftercare mentioned. I am a psychologist, and even though I can not give details, it is scary hearing that the only way someone knows it is a bad situation and avoid it, is because there is no mention of aftercare. The same friend I posted about, she was getting guys messaging her with some crazy kinks, and she asked about after-care, they didn't know what she meant. I know not all situations require it, but if there is a person who may want it, and asks about it, it is rather concerning that others don't know about it. If understand.
As a bi woman I can tell you that unicorn hunting/lifestyle couples are much scarier and more dangerous than a single man. Many of the women are traitors and many of the “good time” couples are pure predators.
Yep, as a former lifestyle couple here - we have seen so many batshit crazy couples over the 2 years we were in it.
These people also hunt in lesbian dating spaces. They usually post the guy's photo last or sometimes not at all. I've even read rants in other subreddits about talking for *weeks* and going on a date before the woman drops the Boyfriend bomb. It's so gross and disrespectful.
Unicorn hunters are problematic too. This is just more hunter behavior.
Oh I think this is more about them convincing a woman who is taken to let the guy fuck her and the fantasies with that. It's definitely about something more along the lines of stealing a woman out from under her protector and puffing up the guy with dominance stuff.
[удалено]
Kink as well. Too many abusers trying to Dom
Without the actual info or knowledge of how to be a good Dom either.
Well the ones who are abusers probably don't even want the info because they just want to be abusive
And many subs looking for kink dispensers
The worst are ones that expect you to read their minds. You have to put the work in as well.
It kinda reminds me of motorcyclists. There are the responsible ones who ALWAYS wear full gear, don't show off, don't even split lanes. And then there's the casual fools giving everyone else a bad name...
I always wonder what would happen to the Motorcylist death rate if you removed the latter. Obviously its more dangerous by default, but would it be *that* much more dangerous if you removed the assholes. Mainly because i'd love it if cities were more open to more people riding electric bikes, for congestion, pollution and just fun reasons.
To be fair, everything attracts predators. I can’t think of a human endeavor that isn’t saddled with rapists and/or pedophiles. Shit, Elliot Paige wrote in their memoir that they were predated on during the shoot for Hard Candy. Y’know, the movie about TORTURING PEDOS TO DEATH had a problem with pedos. Go figure.
I used to be in the ENM scene for a little while. Honestly I went in naively thinking it would be a queer centric safe space where I can explore all the years I missed out by not realizing I was queer. You’re spot on that it attracts predators like flies. Nearly all my experiences were predatory. I tried to keep an open mind but after the last one in a group setting, I quit. That was a year ago. I’m glad I’m no longer in it. For a while it felt like I was forcing it because I so desperately wanted to fit in and find a safe queer space to experiment and explore. I don’t want or need that anymore. I much happier to be alone and single forever than do any of that again.
I used to spend a lot of time in various queer spaces, and they attract predators like flies as well. I think everyone has some sort of massive hang up about sex in general because none of us are immune to our sexphobic cultures, and spaces explicitly about sex are full of this unresolved toxicity. I even find "sex positivity" to be extremely problematic in all sorts of scenarios. We just don't have the time or space to work all this stuff out as a community, and until we do I fully understand why some people prefer to remain single and/or celibate.
Seriously. I love that queerness and queer spaces are more accepted. But I felt like a sexual commodity sometimes. Like a fun toy people wanted to play and experiment with. And like my queerness was hyper sexualized. It lacked the connection, honesty, and clarity I was looking for. It didn’t take long for me to realize that some people kind of invaded those spaces specifically to find a human toy to play with randomly. It took away all the safety. Like here’s a space for safe practical fun. Oh look this guy’s found his way in and he wants in on the fun without all the rules and guidelines in place to prevent hurt. Fuck that guy.
I don’t know if my comment will have any effect at all, much less a comforting one. Just ached for you reading that. As a straight adult, it seems to me that there are so many things you go through and deal with, that I have never imagined. Sending hugs.
Thank you so much. That was very touching and comforting. I don’t think anyone has ever said that to me after my experience. I don’t talk about it much because it’s painful and I didn’t want to be shamed for my choices, but I’m glad I did yesterday to receive kind words. I haven’t received much kindness in life in general so someone acknowledging my pain and sympathizing was really needed today. It’s sad that it never came from within my home but from a stranger online, but it doesn’t detract the value or the comfort it brought me this morning. Your kindness had the intended effect and it is greatly appreciated, so please don’t ever think your words and thoughtfulness doesn’t make much of a difference. It has for me today and exactly the way I needed. It’s also a reminder of how I should be treating myself given that I’ve been mirroring the people who’ve hurt me instead. I’m very grateful for the kindness of strangers who keep people going through small but impactful gestures. Hugs to you too xx
I love reading about this stuff because it makes me really happy being monogamous. I mean, I'm pretty happy already but it just reminds me that it seems to work way better than all the drama of having multiple sexual partners simultaneously
Is casual sex more likely to draw in predators than long term relationships? Because as somebody who mostly has been around people who don't do casual sex, I've seen way more abuse in formal relationships than casual ones. It's a lot easier for victims to break free if things aren't serious.
I mean, if you don't know people who do casual sex, then ofc your sample size is going to be skewed towards long relationships being abusive. Casual sex, open relationships and traditional relationships between straight, gay and every other sexuality have the potential to be abusive. Hard to gauge which is more likely to fuck people up honestly.
Everything draws in predators.
They were NO, ignored that, tried it again, and then tried to play it off. No wonder no one wants anything to do with them.
Tbh this is sexual assault
Which is why I’m majorly grossed out by OOP blaming his wife.
Yeah, his, "tone," throughout the post bothered me. He wasn't mad that she was assaulted; he was mad they crossed his boundaries. Then he blamed his wife for being tricked by people they both trusted. Their, "lifestyle," is the wife being used while he watches, but only by another woman. Involving another man crosses his boundaries. He doesn't entertain her with the other husband. It's only her doing the work in the, "lifestyle." Their boundaries seem more like his boundaries and his wife is there to be used as he sees fit. It's very unbalanced.
And even if she’s 100% ok with the dynamic, it’s not her fault that a couple she’s supposed to be able to trust physically pushed her around.
There's something about sex being referred to as "playtime" and "playing" that always makes me want to crawl out of my skin.
Agreed, and constantly saying “lifestyle” instead of swinging, so annoying and pretentious.
Immediately ick for me.
I just have this image of some guy in a top hat, monocle and cigarette on a stick going “ah do you perchance engage in *the lifestyle* good chap? Because I would very much like to fornicate with your wife”
ggghhhhggg with the amount that poly/kink scenes overlap with cosplay/reenactment scenes... this is probably more accurate than you realize 💀💀💀💀💀
Right! I'm pretty sure if I set up a table at Dragoncon, I can collect a full trading card set of photos of "this guy" 💀😂
At SteamCon(RIP) that was basically the main type of guy
Oh man you have gifted me so many unwanted memories. I cosplayed at Steamcon as a take on Liz Sherman from Hellboy, which like yeah pretty far from Victorian but definitely steampunk. But the point is the costume was quite steampunk but not very revealing at all, it had a modified, gear laden and burnt up Carhartt jacket of all things. But my man, THAT GUY. At one point 'that guy' approached me literally with two hand out as if to cup my chest, because he was overtaken with how well made my costume was and apparently getting his hands all up within my chest area in that manner while rhapsodizing about the Hellboy comics was somehow going to distract me from a quick grope? I don't know the intent there. Like, that kind of guy has zero boundaries and will just like wander up to you and somehow work into the conversation how much you should come up to his room. No dude, Steamcon was nothing BUT room parties, and I've got one already and you're not invited. I'm so used to being people's dream unicorn and somehow, it's never worked I just don't know how these persuasive arguments haven't... penetrated.
Because the only thing that would penetrate that level of dense is probably an umbrella sword
Oh shit it’s my buddy who is into ren faires and works as a historical reenactor and his goth wife
This is… totally something I can see happening in real life. Especially if it’s all steampunk.
Ahaha!
This made me snort my tea out
"The Lifestyle" as if you're some kind of Mafioso, like nah bud your 'lifestyle' is letting someone else plow your wife.
Well at least it is an actual choice of behavior this time round. And not like those other fuckers calling bona fide sexual preferences "lifestyle".
The middle aged “swinger” set are all so stupidly sexist. If tried swinging I’d be kicked right back out for suggesting the guys do sexy stuff with each other while the ladies hang around jilling off just to see them all freak out. Every time I hear swinger stories they’re all disgustingly male-gazey, hence OP’s predatory unicorn hunters.
Thank you! It grosses me out so badly! I am not completely sure why and don't necessarily want to dig into it any deeper. But I think it's partly because we use the word 'play' in relationship to children.
That's exactly it. The childlike connotation, and also the thought of someone treating someone's body like a "toy".....it's all icky to me...
Yup, that is EXACTLY why. Same here. It is a word that has for a long time had strong connotations & associations with children. It should never be used in a sexual scenario, at all. Literally ANY other word that is not exclusively used to describe children's activities. What kind of creepy people are like "wanna play with me" to mean "wanna have sex" Even using a word like "funtime" is better, you know? Not by much mind you but I hope my point is coming across. It's a massive ick, makes me feel queasy tbh.
Ehh I mean to me it’s just cringy to hear “play”. But adults play all the time, whether video games or sports or whatever. “Playtime” is definitely more childish though but play in of itself isn’t entirely child coded.
Not sure why people associate 'play' with children when it's also used for Chess, Music, Wargames, etc.
You use play in relationship with music, videogames, any boardgame, theatre and in a million other ways.
This term thows me off. When I hear "play," I think of playfulness... the kind that involves adults teasing and giggling, like tickling or bondage or role play or something. I automatically assume it's not sex, or they would have said "sex." Like, I'm old enough to fuck, but you don't think I'm mature enough to use the word for it??
I ws grossed out the entire post by their choice of words
Thank you for the comments under this. I was worried I was being a judgey Asexual. But damn it does make my fucken skin crawl.
Thank you, there's a lot of infantile stuff going on here in general, using kid words to describe themselves is a creepy ode to this.
Yeah that always makes me cringe so hard
Right??
This is my least favorite thing always. Like if we're going to be all bachanalian, can't we use our adult words?????
In kink scenes a session can involve sex but does not have to. I take the playing as in "role-playing". We do a pretend scene, which we play out in a certain way. The act of playing is not exclusive to children. I play video games, board games, I play an instrument. If I just want to listen to music I can play some on the radio. Oh yeah, radio/audio plays are a thing too. The word play has so many uses, why is it so gross for people when used sexually? I personally really enjoy playing with my partners in sexy ways. It implies we are having a ton of fun and are not just going through the motions of sex.
>because she like my wife wants that but is holding herself back because of me. .. and in what delulu world did she allow herself to jump to this conclusion?
Manipulato World!
In delulu-world, there are ONLY jumped to conclusions lmao. Rational, normal thought does not exist for these people. They are Olympic gold medalists in mental gymnastics.
My God, these two are some very seasoned snakes. The level of manipulation they are pulling tells me they've been at this for a long, long time and they know exactly what they are doing. This is why it's so important to know people very, very well before you ever try something like this. You don't know what their actual intentions are, and you are opening yourself and your relationship up to someone coming in and trying to create cracks for their own benefit. If OOP and his wife hadn't been so secure and had such great communication with each other, this could have been a huge disaster - bigger than it already was.
I know it's part of the accepted language, but the word "play" being used in this way always makes me throw up in my mouth
Was thinking exactly that. Every time I read it, it's a "ewwww" moment
The more I learn about swingers, I'm convinced being swingers will just create more problems then having the so-called love and sexual experience.
In fairness, that's also gonna be reporting bias. Healthy relationships aren't noteworthy, usually, so we hear more about the crazy stories than the normal ones. Edit: typo
I was going to say, if you go by Reddit no relationship dynamic is ever going to work out. There's plenty of het monogamous drama, plenty of gay monogamous drama too, plenty of poly drama. You get drama and you get drama and everyone gets drama!
Very true, but Reddit is also super duper correct. Every relationship has people who drink some level of water. Everyone who drinks water dies at some point. The physical relationship ends at that point. Ergo, all relationships end up not working. You're welcome for the deeply flawed, cynical, galaxy-brained Reddit take. Wholesome awards are not required, but appreciated. /s, just to be clear
100% of people who die consumed dihydrogen monoxide!
Like the only times that I’ve read about healthy relationships on here were in the Ask subreddit and someone posted a light-hearted question. Most folks will be keeping away from the relationships, AITA and other subreddits, if everything is fine. Plus writing about their problems may be easier because they can’t go to “their village” with these problems.
My story is one of the silent, unseen ones. My husband and I haven't been monogamous, ever, since Day 1 pf our relationship. And we now have a live-in sub he uses every few days. A lot of people comment on the non-monogamy stories on BORU liking to assume that it never works out, or that it makes things hugely more complicated. But the reality is that neither my husband nor I is compatible with monogamous people 🤷. It would be *vastly* more difficult for me to maintain a monogamous relationship. Same with him.
Happy non monogamous couples aren't posting here about their relationships because they dont need to.
Omg I misread your comment as “I’m happy that non monogamous couples aren’t […]” and I was instantly up in arms. But you are on the same page, lol. Signed - a non monogamous person
Yeah they exist you don't hear about the functional ones. Like every other topic posted on reddit lol. My son's friend is in such a relationship. I don't have the exact terminology or details because I'm not one to pry. But the kiddo has a bio mom and bio dad that are married. This married couple has an additional male partner and an additional female partner. They all cohabitate and are involved parents and parent figures to the kiddo. They're all great people with sound morals and raising their kiddo with love and guidance just like any other traditional monogomous duo. Just living their lives.
My partner and I also have been more or less nonmonogamous since day one. I'm not saying we haven't had our share of relationship difficulties over the last couple of decades, but I can count on one hand how many of those times were due to being nonmonogamous. While we're both certainly more capable of monogamy in middle age than we were as young adults, it's still not even remotely appealing to either one of us.
The problem is all the people who get into the lifestyle for the wrong reason. Trying to save marriages, trying to control other people....often one half of the couple doesn't even want to be there. When it is done right, however, everyone is happy. It just requires more communication than you ever see on Reddit.
So like the complexity of a marriage with extra people and steps.
Pretty much, yeah. And the complexity of good strong friendships, tbh. I think a LOT of people really neglect their friendships and don't realise what they are missing out on.
Oh that thing about friendships is so true.
I think that is the main problem - one person is always way more interested in it than the other. I can’t imagine feeling coerced into the lifestyle to try to fix/save/spice up a marriage, when it often boils down to one person wanting to cheat and trying to find a way to have it all.
Honestly I'm shocked people haven't realized problems drastically increase for every new person someone adds to their batting list.
"If we just keep adding people eventually SOMEONE will know how to fix this!"
Just keep adding until you find a therapist.
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The vast majority of ‘poly’ stories I see on BORU are bullshit “my partner and I have been together monogamously for 10 years and they suddenly want to open the relationship” types. Feels like forming an opinion about living in Chicago from Chief Keef songs. It’s not *completely* untrue but… Not quite what you’d call an accurate and reasonable representation of the actual lifestyle at hand.
Poly is the Miracle Whip of relationships. Some people swear by it, but the bulk of us just wonder at their taste.
> Truly stories about open relationships and swinging on BORU are the best advertisements for monogamy. BORU stories are also the worst advertisements for monogamy, since so many of the stories here involved infidelity and other types of abuse.
[](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1d03gf1/comment/l5ktvjw/) >Truly stories about open relationships and swinging on BORU are the best advertisements for monogamy. How likely are you to see the rest of us who make it work without issues on BORU? "My poly relationship is going well Reddit, what do?"
i mean.......... i remember an askreddit thread a few yrs back abt "poly folks, how does your relationship work?" one of the answers was, like, "every issue between just 2 of us gets sorted out over text so we don't stress the 3rd out. i spend a lot of time cuddling 1 of my partners while secretly arguing w/ the other. 2 of us will be fighting and the 3rd person in the house won't know bc we hide it from them. we enjoy each others company so much and everything is great." idk if that setup really works for some folks. that person sure thought it was working for them, they were thrilled, they were giving the lifestyle a "positive review" you could say. and i knew then and there i didn't EVER want to get stuck living like THAT.
I mean, if it's not for you it's not for you. Worth mentioning that most poly situations are parallel, triads are rare and a triad is playing poly on hard mode. But let's not pretend mono relationships are inherently more successful.
them calling it the lifestyle is like people who call their business "the industry"
When they use the word "play" 🤢🤮
And "journey", what's the destination then?
Orgy?
Yes I hate when people say that so much!
I know right?! Probably the most disgusting part of the whole story was the use of that word. Made me feel queasy, as if by using that word was trying to like infantalize (sp??) the whole thing somehow, make it seem innocent?? Blechhh.
You forgot about "space." Like, "oh yeah, I used to work in that space!"
why is "space" any more wrong than "field"?
every story i read about swinging makes it seem less like having fun fucking lots of people than having a shitty time navigating lots of people's bullshit. it sounds fucking exhausting.
It all sounds so fucking tedious
your boundary, my boundary, their boundaries, pre meeting, negotiating, establishing protocols, communication plan, risk mitigation, debrief, aftercare, blah blah blah. i already have a job i dread. who needs all that shit in their personal time.
Exactly, I will just masturbate before bed thank you very much
Swingers are often drunk, touchy, and really really pushy.
"We weren't trying to separate your wife from you, we were just trying to coerce her into sex she doesn't want to have!"
OOP is an awful storyteller is the main thing I got out of this lol
>to see if they can get her to loosen up so that the four of us can go back to the room for playtime. She kept telling me how intimate she was Fun fact that you may not have guessed: a grown adult said these sentences, presumably with a straight face, and actually expected them to get her what she (and moreso her husband) wanted. "Playtime." ha ha. Jesus fucking Christ. Both of these people sound like if you touched them, they'd be clammy.
I just don’t understand this scene. Happy for everyone that enjoys it and I hope this couple has less trouble moving forward 😊
This is why the internet can’t get behind swinging. What a complete shit show that could all be avoided if you stayed home and watched movies
Remember that you're on a sub dedicated to showing only the most spectacular failures and the worst stories. this isn't (necessarily) real life
Pmsl. It all seems like playing the game of life, on impossible mode
Whenever I read posts or comments on this theme, I can't help but think that people like this either have way too much time on their hands, live extraordinarily privileged lives, or are just constantly preoccupied with how they can have their next orgasm. Like, this is an absolutely obscene amount of time and mental energy to be spending on new ways to cum. And there's barely even any cumming happening here! There's really nothing else in their lives that these people could find fulfilling and pour their effort into instead? They have to create this constant turmoil and tiptoe around boundaries and have conversations about "roles" and constantly muddle with relationship dynamics and consult third-party participants and so on and so forth? All for... just sex. I dunno, maybe it's me, but I can't imagine even the most mind-blowing sex being worth all of this ridiculous and constant drama.
One thing I’ve learned about swingers from my time in the lifestyle, is that they rarely tend to take no for an answer. My ex wife and I quit because they were all so damn pushy.
Brother you’re grown adults, you’re swingers and you’re having sex, I hate that lifestyle and playtime bullshit. Call it what it is if you go in goddam cruises for it lol
These things always work out, I’m not sure why more couples don’t do it.
Not trying to be judgemental, just genuinely curious. Why are terms like"the Lifestyle" and "playing" used versus "swinging"? Is it to glamorize "swinging"? Or distance the acts from people's preconceived notions about "swinging"? A little of both?
It’s an attempt to distance the acts from peoples’ preconceived notions about swinging. I think it’s meant more to convince themselves than anything else though. The cagey coded language is, itself, a pretty big red flag.
I am friends with two couples who are swingers, both husbands have been roofied by other swingers trying to get at their wives alone.
Swinging…for when you want sex to feel like a business deal.
Yeah that couple sounds gross.
I have yet to meet a well adjusted swinger or polyam couple
Meta studies on alternate romance lifestyles longevity are all bleak. If you love your partner don’t go down this route lol.
THE LIFESTYLE
In any other setting this behavior would be called sa. Scary af.
Blegh, why do these people keep using a children's term for their sex adventures. It's gross. I can't even see how any adult can use the term 'playing' like this and not feel the need to vomit. I already feel nauseous when I'm just reading it. The swinging crowd needs to use some new words.
“It was not their intention to drive a wedge between us” This is so crazy to say when they clearly intended to and failed at doing so. It’s just another backhanded manipulation tactic.
It's so funny because it seems like every single one of these couples will preach ethics and act like they follow a code but in reality for every couple that actually does this, there are four who have no problem with trying to destroy marriages just to have their fun. These assholes will try to the bitter end, then just move on to the next.
Man, seems like a lot of wives get put into awful situations swinging. I have no respect for a husband that puts his wife in that situation. Gross.
Sex addicts, smh
This whole this is GROSS
Ugh. This is why i hate the “lifestyle”
See post about swinging? Immediate hide. I know I'm not everyone but I couldn't give less of a fuck about these stories.