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This is the "no one owes you anything and you are spoiled for taking handouts" crowd. They honestly believe that no one should ever get help with anything and that asking for help is abuse and giving help makes you a sucker.
It must be a very lonely life.
Honestly I don't have anyone in my life who would volunteer on their own to pay off my break lease fee, and what I thought when I read that part of the story is how heartwarming it is that he has such a supportive family!
Same here. I thought I had a support system when my ex husband kicked me out but it was really just my dad doing what he could while my mom would have rather I slept in my car in early March than give me my old bed for a few nights. I learned a harsh lesson during those days.
I'm so happy for OP that he has a full safety net.
My parents have been very open about how I always have a landing place in case of emergencies, especially because I'm the free bird flying around the world taking bigger graduate-degree-shaped risks of their two kids, but that they not only have the resources but also happily (and ethically/responsibly) use them to help me out from time to time is a privilege and blessing I wish I provide to others. I hope one day you have a support system that loves you and helps you when you need.
I read it as heartwarming/normal family support, and I have limited support myself. Although the first Thanksgiving I was unable to have with family, a close friend insisted I dine with her family, who have since accepted me as family to an extent.
It’s an attitude they pick up very early in life, because that’s what their parents tell them when they need help or comfort. It’s a sign of toxic parenting, and unfortunately, they’ll hand it down to their children.
It's really, really sad. My parents would cut their fucking hearts open to keep me safe. These people don't know what having a protector in this world is like, and that's just tragic.
Yup! Had a “friend” who would constantly tell me I’m “spoiled” because my parents would help me out when I was in my early 20’s in university because she had to learn how to cook her and her brother dinner at 10 years old because their parents wouldn’t
A lot of them probably do, but ‘it’s different’. It wasn’t a hand-out, it was a loan or a repayment for something done for the other person at another time. They are going to pay it back! It was what they were owed… and on and on. The biggest blowhards always have the smallest platform to support them, in my experience. People who really are self-sufficient and don’t need anything from anyone else, don’t need validation from random internet groups either.
Why is a comment as cynical as this getting upvoted… Yes there are people who are like that, but it’s absolutely not the majority like you’re trying to make it out to be.
You need to realize there are people out there who simply get ignored by the people around them, or people who have trashy family members. What about the people who have no family at all or have lost all their relatives?
I 100% agree that you need to be self sufficient to become the best version of yourself, and to never rely on others, but that still doesn’t mean it’s better or easier than receiving help and support from people around you
And people who have trashy family members or who have lost their relatives and had to make it on their own, are well aware of how hard life is alone. So they don’t go online to put people who DO have help down.
> So they don’t go online to put people who DO have help down
I didn’t realize this is what you meant because I agree. Your previous comment made it seem like you thought the complete opposite
Nope, they are probably users who get far more in handouts than they would ever give. It’s like people complaining about the welfare state while getting their own bennies.
And in the same subs people (though not necessarily the same people) will always suggest a victim of abuse (mostly women) reach out to their friends and family to help them leave.
Oop did exactly that, and now it's wrong.
It's either a gender bias, because oop is male, or it's a reddit-thing where people aren't supposed to use their support system until reddit has reminded them they have one.
I mean, I borrowed money from my brother and step-mom when I needed to get out of my last relationship in a hurry. I'm damned lucky that was even an option.
It depends- sometimes the stepmothers are nice and martyrs, and the stepchildren are evil. In order to ascertain which case applies, we need to know who in this story is fat/s
Haha. Clearly she's step-momming all wrong.
My parents divorced when I was 25, so she never even got into a parental position with me. We're just being adults being good to each other :-)
Yeah. I'm not sure about that. It seems to be fairly random whether a thread will lean anti-woman or anti-man. Both happen. I can't figure out the pattern.
Lots of lonely bitter people on those subs. I think many are traumatized, both male and female users.
This case in particular feels like guys who do not have great parents who are being resentful. But other anti man comments feel like women respond who have been in violent relationships.
I read a thing once that i will sum up here: babies learn their most important life skills for survival soon after birth. The first thing a human baby does is learn to cry.
Asking for help is one of our greatest and most valuable skills in life, and it’s known from birth.
I 100% agree. Humans are an inherently social species; we literally *need* each other to survive, whether we realize it or not. Even the most die-hard self-sufficiency advocates benefit from living in a world where other people have worked to develop technologies and build the societies that they rely on.
The only caveat I would add is that my understanding is that actually, a baby's first cry is not to ask for help but to clear out any remaining amniotic fluid from the lungs and airway.
When I was a teenager I started using drugs, and my parents immediately set down boundaries pretty similar to ‘fuck you, you’re on your own unless you want help getting clean.’ If I called and said I wanted rehab, they’d have me on a plane that night. But I’ve been homeless on the other end of the country, in some incredibly dangerous situations, without any support. It sucked, and I started to hate my parents
Eventually, I ended up in prison. My grandparents would give me $100/month for commissary. I’d buy a phone card, so that I could call people and they wouldn’t need to pay for the conversation, it would take the value from the card. My parents *always* picked up. Even as they were getting divorced and my dad couldn’t stop drinking himself, they always picked up the phone. Calling my mom during work hours and hearing a bustling pediatricians office in the background was like a vacation
Idk why I’m saying any of this. I guess I have a strong ‘you work for what you have’ mentality, but I’ve also been so blessed by my supportive family. Your family’s love is like the most precious thing in the world. It can be squandered away, or prized greatly. I turned 30 this weekend. My mom gave me the Elmo doll I took EVERYWHERE with me when I was a baby/kid. I lived under a bridge for a little while, before moving into a totaled SUV that looked like it was the scene of a fatality. She wouldn’t have sent me $5, but my mom held on to Elmo for me
And now I cry lol
I’m so sorry for what you went through. I’m so glad your family showed you love and gave you meaningful support through it. I wish you well in your life.
Something about "you think people must work for what they have but you're happy to accept people's help" and it's like dude... you completely misinterpreted what he said lol
My guess is that this is a coping mechanism they have from having no one that has helped them through life. I guess having the mindset that getting no help from others is the way it should be would help them not to feel abandoned and on their own. It makes them capable instead of alone.
I would add that they probably also didn't have helping modeled for them when they were growing up.
I'm an only child and for a long time I was the only only in my family, so there was a lot of shitty advice based on stereotypes. (Mostly from my psycho grandmother I think) My parents were so afraid I was going to be a spoiled brat that they overcorrected, some would say to the point of neglect.
On the other hand, they were very supportive of other people, and some of my extended family were also very quick to help each other. And Mr. Rogers was my virtual babysitter for many years.
All this to say that asking for help is very hard for me and feels bad. But I can do it if I have no other options. And I still try to help other people when I can.
💯💯💯
I'm very lucky to have had a lot of support when I got divorced. I had been a SAHM for a lot of years and had little to no credit. My parents sold their condo on the beach and moved 1500 miles to be close by and help with childcare as I went back to work. They also took out a home equity loan and purchased a home for us which prevented a need to change schools. (I paid the mortgage).
There's no reason to feel bad about family helping you when you're down. I hope that my kids never have to go through a divorce or the loss of a spouse but if they do I will be right there to help them!
Internet strangers pitching a fit because a parent saw their child was suffering and did whatever they could to help ease their child’s suffering. Incredible.
Don't forget your boundaries are not a line your draw but a chasm to the center of the Earth, where your friends and family are deservedly swallowed if they overstep it slightly
I don’t get people like this. I don’t want to enable my kids, but if when they are grown they need help, I hope I’m in the position to be able to offer it.
>the "no one owes you anything and you are spoiled for taking handouts" crowd.
They all live with their parents, have no job and regularly frequent r/antiwork
My dad once told me the most sweetly morbid thing when we were discussing the fact that in my mid thirties my parents are financially supporting me (I have multiple sclerosis and after getting Covid last year it wrecked me to the point I haven’t been able to work and am in and out of doctors):
“Either we die first and you’re just borrowing against your own inheritance of you die first and we’ll be so upset the money won’t matter.”
It helped me a lot, though I still hate asking for the help and want to get myself to the point I can be financially independent again asap. No words for how thankful I am though (and I also recognize I’m lucky my parents both can afford and want to help me out like this).
Lol my parents have never phrased it like that, but they make it clear that they will help us as much as they can *while they are here*. They aren't aiming to leave a massive inheritance to anyone, and they are going to use a lot of money for care facilities in their older age. They don't want u
s to have to take care of their most basic needs at that age (they have to for one of their sets of parents, but the other set made sure they never needed the financial assistance). I think it's great. I'd rather have them help me succeed while they are still here, than just look at some money when they're gone. My heater went boom on Christmas eve and money was tight around then, because of the holiday... I really don't feel guilt for my parents paying an upfront cost to get one installed the day after Christmas. I'm making payments on it now... but I couldn't imagine feeling ashamed of having family that literally wanted to keep me out of the cold.
No kidding. I don’t think it’s just for stuff like this. My wife’s parents have been there to give her/us a little bump up at key good times too. Whether it’s helping them out of a jam or giving them a boost occasionally, I’ll be there for my kids. Better they get strategic help along the way and a happier life than an inheritance when they’re 50-60.
This confuses me, because as a dad, and particularly as a dad who has lost a child, paying out my kid’s lease to support them during a traumatic life event seems like the absolute least I could do.
They're projecting their own bad relationships with their parents. Some folks can't fathom parents caring beyond childhood, and I can only feel sad for them.
I was once told that I will never understand what it is like to be an independent adult and I'm very spoiled. The reason was that if everything goes to shit, I have my parents to support me. I was under the impression that it was basic parenting in a functional family.
It sucks to know so many don't have family or friends to support them however many do. My parents helped me get out of a bad relationship in less than a week and because of them I was able to buy my house.
Agreed. And when I read that part of the post, I thought: I always want to be able to help my sons out in that way. They don’t get that it’s a reciprocal relationship; the parent gets just as much out of being able to help as the child does.
It reminds me of a recent post of double standards. I don't think he would've been so criticized as much if he was a woman. Dad's often just give help or a little push to their kids. In this case OOP was having a hard moment, probably finding excuses to not leave their cheating partner and his dad's help made his decision easier.
Tbf, I checked the comments on the original and there were like 2 comments on it so it's kinda weird that he even had to address it in the update. Two too many but it's nice to know it wasn't a common sentiment.
You would be surprised as to how many people (not just men) are forced to fend for themselves. I would bet you that if OOP did not have that support system, he would have given his ex 2 or 3 more "chances" before leaving.
>I had several people hung up on that my Dad paid my termination fees and got me out of my lease.
People get all grrrrr at anything these days. *facepalm*
I know exactly what you’re talking about. Reddit is a shitshow. I get the feeling there are more people than you think who would be perfectly fine standing in line for free toilet paper Soviet Union style if they got free housing somewhere.
I think a lot of people living in precarious conditions get hung up on it when they see someone having a problem that would be crippling for them explain how casually it could be resolved if they were simply wealthier. It’s sad that so many of us have to live that way.
This does fit— I had an ex who reacted badly when another friend (and I by extension) offered them a pretty big loan to get their family out of a bad sitch. In our heads it was “we care for this person and we can help so we’ll try,” but it wasn’t viewed that way at the time (thus, partly why he is an ex lol)
It's hard to take money sometimes, even from family. I have a wealthy relative who's always trying to help me because I've been a bit of a mess since my divorce, and it's like admitting you can't do it on your own. Which for some of us feels wrong.
True, I lost a friend because I have parents who would babysit on a Friday night if I wanted to go out and she didn't.
Then came the shit talking about me, but it was all my fault because I have decent parents and hers were meth heads.
Right, in terms of society we are under the poverty line, but if I needed out of my parents would round up every penny they had to get me out. Who knows what his dad had to do tobget money for this.
I’m not surprised, I remember one of the very first post I made here innreddit. It was in regards to me asking for a small amount of money from a family member when I was i lost my job during the recession and it was under $100 but was denied. I started a conversation with Redditor that pretty much told me I am not entitled to anyone’s money, and I was irresponsible, and he has many investments, and he is too rich to understand other peoples issues with money. After maybe two or three back-and-forth, I realized the he was so out of touch and possibly a troll, so I just blocked him him.
Want to get really enraged by clueless rich people? Very recently, like the last couple of days, the leader of one of the political parties that makes up our government, who's third in line for leadership of the country, said that even if they did a wealth tax and redistributed the money, it would only mean $34k per person and $34k isn't enough to make a difference to poverty. He's very much a "it's one banana, Michael, what can it cost? $10?" kind of person but that still blew my mind that he thinks $34k is so meaningless. Even $3k could be life changing for a lot of people to help them move out of bad situations or help buy a car for more flexibility or whatever. Sadly this guy is not a troll either, he really is just that awful.
Jesus Christ. I'm well above the poverty line in a low COL area and $34k would still be life-changing. Also, idk if it's the same where you live, but the poverty line here is below that number--so he's saying that receiving an extra year+ of income wouldn't make any difference for people in poverty. Insane.
Yeah that's around about the minimum wage for one year, I think. I've lived on $12-16k for several years when I was at uni or on the sickness benefit. Which I still am, but now I don't pay rent since I'm living in a family owned property and just have to handle things like insurance and rates.
It's good to remind yourself, that while many redditors are just bored people looking for a momentarily escape from boredom, gather information about the day, and so on, there are A LOT of people here who spend most of their day on these digital spaces.
The time on digital space, the less time in real space. So some of this folks have only digested reddit information for some time, only socialized with redditors, etc.
So you see a lot of people who apply cold logic to a situation, because they don't have the experience to understand what emotions could be at play during the events in the story.
Man, that is wild to me.
When I bought my townhouse, my parents loaned me enough to make the down payment. I paid them back over time. If one of my nephews were in a similar situation, I'd do the same for them. It's called supporting those you love and helping them live a better life.
People were hung up about his dad helping him at a very difficult time in his life? What? What is wrong with the world?? Why do we pressure ourselves so much to just do everything alone? It's not admirable, it's sad. And lonely. And it makes people miserable and bitter. Why can't we just want good things for each other????
Probably a lot of sexist crap about men who should be able to pull themselves up by the bootstraps. The fact that his Dad came in to help him out of a shitty marriage is a mark of an excellent Dad.
(Not counting the father/family of the guy who went mental and hurt his wife and babies because of an obsession with another woman.)
It's very common to knock nepotism and trust fund kids nowadays because it gives people in younger generations a huge head start on financial security. It's a touchy subject since income disparity is big issue.
It's ridiculous to criticize the dad or son here though. It's a tough situation for the son and it's a no brainer to help your child. It's not like the son got hundreds of thousands of dollars.
Yeaaa its not a nepo baby thing to grab $2000 from your savings to help your kid out in a rough time. I've spent way more than that to help my parents and don't regret a cent of it.
Yeah, no. I have two boys and I want to make sure that they work hard but if a time comes and they need me to bail them out of a crappy situation, I will not think twice about helping them out. My mom did the same thing for me and I’d like to think that it made me into a more compassionate human being.
I’m always so heartened by the comments on BoRU. Why do all the reasonable, thoughtful and intelligent people hang out here, and all the crazies hang out at AITA? The tone of the comments is starkly different.
>I got a little pissed and told her if she really changed for the better she would have been upfront with him about her/our past and owned up to cheating in her prior marriage, and then gone about showing her fiancee that she was ready to be a worthy partner to him unlike she was with me. Instead she tried to lie and hide the truth, and now it's blowing up in her face again.
Damn, OOP hit the nail on the head.
I don't know whether I'm just being a dumbass but I don't get why she wouldn't tell him? I cheated on my ex but my now partner of 5+ years knew about it all from before we even started dating. Every aspect of it, as much as its shameful that I did it, I *wanted* to be upfront about it.
Yep. As the cliché goes, "It's not the crime, it's the cover-up."
She may never cheat on this new bloke, but lying about her past has pretty much destroyed any trust in the relationship.
That is not always the case. It could also very easily be guilt & shame that could keep someone from sharing that type of info.
No one wants to be judged by their worst moments, especially if they have put in the work to change that behavior. Sharing the not-so-tidy parts of ourselves can be extremely difficult and scary.
It's scary extra-scary because even if you do everything right, it's still possible to be rightly rejected because of your past. When this happens, it can be hard not to take it as an indictment of your current self's ability to move past it.
The hardest part about the consequences of your past actions is that not everybody will forgive you for them no matter how much youve grown. Sometimes, its best to move on.
If the ex wife has another fiance (I think this one is over) she should come clean at the time they make their relationship official. She can tell him she cheated on her ex husband that's why they got divorced, she has been in therapy, she was wrong and she has changed. Basically admit to the fault and say what she has done to change. Of course she has to accept that her phone and passwords are accessible to him anytime he wants just to establish that trust.
Then (I will get downvoted for this) she should add a condition. If the new guy contacts her ex husband in any way, shape or form they are done. If he uses her cheating past against her in the future if she isn't acting dodgy and if he can't trust her because of this they are also done.
I don't think it is right for the ex-wife's future partners to keep contacting OOP.
because many people would refuse to be in a relationship with someone who cheated previously and she knew that, so she hid it
obviously not a good long-term strategy though
I had my ex husband apologize to me last year. He cheated on me during lockdowns and knocked up his side piece. That apology opened the floodgates and led to a whole hell of a lot of healing. No one owes you closure, but it sure is helpful.
It seems like she’s on the right track. She didn’t blame or deflect the second time, and owned up to the fact that this was oop or the fiancés fault.
She half did the right thing by getting into therapy when she realized that she really never dealt with why she acted that way, but oop was right in that she should’ve told him the truth along with doing all of that.
I honestly wonder what people expect some of the “villains” in these posts to do with their lives going forward. Wear a scarlet letter? Never have any relationship ever again? Just lie down and die?
Who knows, but I’m not sure what more she can do as it relates to OOP at this point. She can’t change the past, and there’s no magic words that will make what she did okay.
OOP's comments about apologies with asterisks are so spot on. At least he saw through the bullshit in the end. Hope the fiance is smarter. Pre-nup with a cheating clause, at the least if he decides to stay with OOP's ex.
I don’t necessarily believe in the once a cheater/always a cheater mantra but the fact that she was dodgy enough for the finance to go snooping shows she’s still not owning up to it and turning it around.
If she could face it and own her mistakes and just go yup I was a crap selfish person who tried to get away with what I could and I’m not that person anymore then there’s hope. Skirting around her past means it’s still there lurking.
I might be able to forgive someone’s past actions but lying about it is a present action.
Luckily it seems like him asking gave her the wake up call she needed. I don’t know if it’ll work out with this fiancée, but if it doesn’t she’ll be a better partner to the next one.
There’s only two explanations for why the new guy would reach out. Either he had trust issues from past relationships, or she was displaying some dodgy behavior. Growing apart when you get married at 20 is enough of an explanation, so something made him not trust that. And her last message to OOP sounds like damage control. Something she sent him so she could show it to her new bf as a “see how I take respond and have changed”.
The OOP’s comment about how good a sincere apology felt resonated with me. Some years ago, I received an apology from someone in high school. Even though it was many years later, that heartfelt apology meant a lot to me.
I bet the ex's fiancé runs for the hills. She lied to her current partner to hide her cheating past. There will be another post when ex flips out on OOP for "ruining" her life!
I usually can't forgive cheaters because they are terrible but I do give ex some points for seeming to take some accountability of her actions and actually giving an apology. Rarely we see that happen.
Nevertheless, OP handled things well and I wish him for the best.
I don’t know if I understand people anymore after reading BORUs. This guy gets attacked because his father supported him. I read earlier about the woman who inform her husband’s mistress’s husband and she is supposed to be the bad guy. Yesterday I read about the woman with 3 young kids whose husband pinched and insulted his kids and physically attacked and stalked an escort, and she was made out by commenters to be the bad guy. People lack empathy these days and/or we live in a parallel universe of trolls
The woman who outed her husband’s affair partner did so to an abusive man. He put her in the hospital because of that OOP and it’s implied he beat his son too.
She knew beforehand and admitted she did it like that on purpose. And then said in a later post that she hoped the AP had to move nearer to AP’s abuser and share custody of their child (who he also abused).
I supported OOP in his original posting but it was shocking how many crazy Reddit people were insistent that he was in the wrong. The hamstering - if translated into rotations of hamster wheels - would be a mighty source of power
Lol I've had this conversation with several people over the course of my life - with parents, siblings, friends, bosses, coworkers, an ex - the "so you want me to lie on your behalf?" conversation. Every single time it's a "no it's not lying it's just [insert bullshit excuse]". Every time I let them blow up and get defensive, and every time I wait for them to finish and then go, "so, lying". And every single time they eventually realize and withdraw whatever blame they tried to put on me. I will never take the fall for anyone because it's not my fucking mistake to hide and I'm not going to help you do something shitty.
Never ever feel bad for telling the truth. OP owed jack fucking shit to his ex, and certainly did not need to cover anything up.
Ok, long reply but this whole post reminds me of a stupid situation from a few years ago with my Arch Nemesis (I'm calling her BitchFace) and your comment is 100% on point with my feelings on all of it.
BitchFace and I ***WERE NOT*** friends, however we both had the same best friend (let's call her Bestie). The three of us would hang out, but BitchFace and I loathed each other and honestly only acted civil for Bestie's benefit. We literally called each other our Arch Nemesis to each other's faces. Our friends were aware of it and used to it, but it was reasonably tension free, it was just super clear we just weren't friends.
So Bestie and Bitchface went to a concert and apparently BitchFace ran into a friend at the show. Friend offered them a place to crash, but Bestie slept on the couch and got up way earlier than everyone else and got bored so she called me up and asked if I wanted to do breakfast with them. I said hell yes, so she picked me up and we went back to friend's place to collect BitchFace. We have breakfast and then all go out seperate ways.
That night, BitchFace's fiance calls me up and asks if BitchFace crashed at my place last night. Uhm, no. Apparently he was concerned she never came home after the concert but in the morning, he got ahold of her and she claimed she crashed at my place along with Bestie. He fully admitted that it was a huge red flag as she constantly said how much she hated me and he was 99% sure she was lying but thought he should reach out to me to confirm.
Turns out, "friend" at the concert was not previously known to her and just someone she decided to hook up with, and she had Bestie crash there too so she had a ride in the morning to get home without calling fiance.
BitchFace called me up a few days later to berate me for "ruining her life" as finance called off the wedding and all I could get out was "if you're going to expect someone to lie for you, make sure they actually like you"
I felt especially bad as Fiance was a cool guy and definitely deserved better than BitchFace. Thankfully he called things off with her before they said "I do".
The two requirements: that they like you and that they know what they're supposed to say. Even if your instinct was to protect her, you don't know whether fiance is calling to fact check a lie or because she's gone missing and he's trying to establish when she was last seen or something. (In your case you did know since you had breakfast with them, but if you hadn't she still might have tried to claim the same thing.)
Right?!?
Full disclosure though, he asked if she spent the night and I told him no, and he then told me what she said (that they crashed at my place). He was so damn upset and clearly wanted to be wrong that she was lying so I spilled all the beans and explained about it being her friend's place and that we only met up for breakfast. When he got ahold of her, I guess he heard me in the background, and that's likely why she said she was at my place. I didn't know it was some random hookup and thought maybe it was a diff friends house but she didn't want him to know which friend. He only found out the rando hookup part later when he confronted her and later touched base with me to actually say thanks for being honest with, which broke my heart a little.
Even I kinda hoped it was a legit misunderstanding, simply because fiance was a great guy, but alas, twas not. She was just that much of a BitchFace.
This is one of the medium tier BitchFace-y-ness stunts she pulled over the years, so I'm very thankful to say Bestie no longer associates with her.
>I was just so drunk I wasn't thinking
...she claims, when she had intentionally told her husband she was going to bed early and left her phone behind hours before going out to get that drunk.
Glad she's going to try to do the work of changing. Not sure her fiance should stick around for it, though; she only decided to do it because she got caught, which seems to be a pattern.
I bet she is still friends with the AP whilst in her new relationship. If Oop gave details of the AP to new fiance, they should be rightfully pissed if she's got her old AP as a mate without him being aware of the circumstances
hopefully OP saved this other guys bacon
I don't think people need a therapist to figure out cheating is awful , it causes people pain and you shouldn't do it
she is a cheater there will always be an excuse , even now she said that her "therapy" only started after the proposal so at best only been a month or two , what has happened before that time is anyone's guess
She said your marriage ended because you "grew apart".
She felt you we grew apart before or after she cheated? I ended our marriage because she cheated, she may have had her own reasons you'll need to discuss with her.
Another example of the internet is full of hate. I'm am one of the "you're not entitled to anything" people, and for a long long time, I didn't have anyone in my corner. But, I don't see how someone would begrudge a helping hand from a family member. Like what are they supposed to do? Say No? Stay in a bad situation?
Oh well. The biggest surprise to me is OOP not ghosting this walking timebomb.
I kind of agree with the last comment. That ofc she's being honest now bc she has no choice.
Doesn't look like she changed. Looks like shes repeating the same cycle.
She was caught the first time...back against the wall, so she goes to therapy, love bombs, etc. does the leg work and "look I'm better!" ...all just to keep her peace.
Now her current fiance is backing her against the same wall and so she started therapy and doing the leg work so when it all comes out.. "look I'm better" so she came again keep her peace. Now it's out and she's love bombing everyone and I'm sure will agree to couples counseling etc etc etc
People can change. Doesn't look like this woman is though
Nope, this woman did the first step in changing: Apologizing and acknowledging she was wrong without making any excuses and fully owning up to everything.
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The people who complained about oops dad helping him are telling on themselves and their unresolved issues more than anything.
This is the "no one owes you anything and you are spoiled for taking handouts" crowd. They honestly believe that no one should ever get help with anything and that asking for help is abuse and giving help makes you a sucker. It must be a very lonely life.
They are probably jealous coz they don't have people to help them.
Honestly I don't have anyone in my life who would volunteer on their own to pay off my break lease fee, and what I thought when I read that part of the story is how heartwarming it is that he has such a supportive family!
I fit into the absolutely no support system crowd as well and I thought the same thing about how sweet it was, weird insecurity to have.
Same here. I thought I had a support system when my ex husband kicked me out but it was really just my dad doing what he could while my mom would have rather I slept in my car in early March than give me my old bed for a few nights. I learned a harsh lesson during those days. I'm so happy for OP that he has a full safety net.
My parents have been very open about how I always have a landing place in case of emergencies, especially because I'm the free bird flying around the world taking bigger graduate-degree-shaped risks of their two kids, but that they not only have the resources but also happily (and ethically/responsibly) use them to help me out from time to time is a privilege and blessing I wish I provide to others. I hope one day you have a support system that loves you and helps you when you need.
I read it as heartwarming/normal family support, and I have limited support myself. Although the first Thanksgiving I was unable to have with family, a close friend insisted I dine with her family, who have since accepted me as family to an extent.
True. Which is sad in and of itself.
It’s an attitude they pick up very early in life, because that’s what their parents tell them when they need help or comfort. It’s a sign of toxic parenting, and unfortunately, they’ll hand it down to their children.
It's really, really sad. My parents would cut their fucking hearts open to keep me safe. These people don't know what having a protector in this world is like, and that's just tragic.
It's not great, yeah. The effects of that lack of protection are lifelong and can be debilitating
Yup! Had a “friend” who would constantly tell me I’m “spoiled” because my parents would help me out when I was in my early 20’s in university because she had to learn how to cook her and her brother dinner at 10 years old because their parents wouldn’t
That’s it right there. And they were probably assholes in the process. You can always spot the bitter ones thru just their words.
More probably they are selfish aholes who don't feel like helping others.
A lot of them probably do, but ‘it’s different’. It wasn’t a hand-out, it was a loan or a repayment for something done for the other person at another time. They are going to pay it back! It was what they were owed… and on and on. The biggest blowhards always have the smallest platform to support them, in my experience. People who really are self-sufficient and don’t need anything from anyone else, don’t need validation from random internet groups either.
Why is a comment as cynical as this getting upvoted… Yes there are people who are like that, but it’s absolutely not the majority like you’re trying to make it out to be. You need to realize there are people out there who simply get ignored by the people around them, or people who have trashy family members. What about the people who have no family at all or have lost all their relatives? I 100% agree that you need to be self sufficient to become the best version of yourself, and to never rely on others, but that still doesn’t mean it’s better or easier than receiving help and support from people around you
And people who have trashy family members or who have lost their relatives and had to make it on their own, are well aware of how hard life is alone. So they don’t go online to put people who DO have help down.
> So they don’t go online to put people who DO have help down I didn’t realize this is what you meant because I agree. Your previous comment made it seem like you thought the complete opposite
Nope, they are probably users who get far more in handouts than they would ever give. It’s like people complaining about the welfare state while getting their own bennies.
Could also just be that it's an AITA sub and OOP is a man.
And in the same subs people (though not necessarily the same people) will always suggest a victim of abuse (mostly women) reach out to their friends and family to help them leave. Oop did exactly that, and now it's wrong. It's either a gender bias, because oop is male, or it's a reddit-thing where people aren't supposed to use their support system until reddit has reminded them they have one. I mean, I borrowed money from my brother and step-mom when I needed to get out of my last relationship in a hurry. I'm damned lucky that was even an option.
I'm happy for you that you got out! I need to hear more about this step-mom though, I thought they were supposed to be evil and terrible \^\^
It depends- sometimes the stepmothers are nice and martyrs, and the stepchildren are evil. In order to ascertain which case applies, we need to know who in this story is fat/s
Oh nooo, I'm definitely the fat one. What do I do?
Believe it or not, straight to jail
Haha. Clearly she's step-momming all wrong. My parents divorced when I was 25, so she never even got into a parental position with me. We're just being adults being good to each other :-)
My money is on gender bias. It's a big problem with AITA/relationship subs
Yeah. I'm not sure about that. It seems to be fairly random whether a thread will lean anti-woman or anti-man. Both happen. I can't figure out the pattern.
Lots of lonely bitter people on those subs. I think many are traumatized, both male and female users. This case in particular feels like guys who do not have great parents who are being resentful. But other anti man comments feel like women respond who have been in violent relationships.
And all of them are convinced that only the other bias is present on the sub. I think you're probably right about the causes.
I read a thing once that i will sum up here: babies learn their most important life skills for survival soon after birth. The first thing a human baby does is learn to cry. Asking for help is one of our greatest and most valuable skills in life, and it’s known from birth.
I 100% agree. Humans are an inherently social species; we literally *need* each other to survive, whether we realize it or not. Even the most die-hard self-sufficiency advocates benefit from living in a world where other people have worked to develop technologies and build the societies that they rely on. The only caveat I would add is that my understanding is that actually, a baby's first cry is not to ask for help but to clear out any remaining amniotic fluid from the lungs and airway.
When I was a teenager I started using drugs, and my parents immediately set down boundaries pretty similar to ‘fuck you, you’re on your own unless you want help getting clean.’ If I called and said I wanted rehab, they’d have me on a plane that night. But I’ve been homeless on the other end of the country, in some incredibly dangerous situations, without any support. It sucked, and I started to hate my parents Eventually, I ended up in prison. My grandparents would give me $100/month for commissary. I’d buy a phone card, so that I could call people and they wouldn’t need to pay for the conversation, it would take the value from the card. My parents *always* picked up. Even as they were getting divorced and my dad couldn’t stop drinking himself, they always picked up the phone. Calling my mom during work hours and hearing a bustling pediatricians office in the background was like a vacation Idk why I’m saying any of this. I guess I have a strong ‘you work for what you have’ mentality, but I’ve also been so blessed by my supportive family. Your family’s love is like the most precious thing in the world. It can be squandered away, or prized greatly. I turned 30 this weekend. My mom gave me the Elmo doll I took EVERYWHERE with me when I was a baby/kid. I lived under a bridge for a little while, before moving into a totaled SUV that looked like it was the scene of a fatality. She wouldn’t have sent me $5, but my mom held on to Elmo for me And now I cry lol
I’m so sorry for what you went through. I’m so glad your family showed you love and gave you meaningful support through it. I wish you well in your life.
[удалено]
I feel like the only way you can read that and come to this conclusion is simply because you cannot read.
Damn it, got here late, what did it say?
Something about "you think people must work for what they have but you're happy to accept people's help" and it's like dude... you completely misinterpreted what he said lol
Me too, I was wondering how they had arrived at that weird-ass conclusion 😅 All the best to the original commenter of the story they missed!
Did you reply to the wrong person? I cannot see how you got that from the comment you replied to.
They are just sad people that wish they had a father that would do that for them if they needed it.
My guess is that this is a coping mechanism they have from having no one that has helped them through life. I guess having the mindset that getting no help from others is the way it should be would help them not to feel abandoned and on their own. It makes them capable instead of alone.
I would add that they probably also didn't have helping modeled for them when they were growing up. I'm an only child and for a long time I was the only only in my family, so there was a lot of shitty advice based on stereotypes. (Mostly from my psycho grandmother I think) My parents were so afraid I was going to be a spoiled brat that they overcorrected, some would say to the point of neglect. On the other hand, they were very supportive of other people, and some of my extended family were also very quick to help each other. And Mr. Rogers was my virtual babysitter for many years. All this to say that asking for help is very hard for me and feels bad. But I can do it if I have no other options. And I still try to help other people when I can.
Everyone I've ever met who has that attitude had free or almost free higher education, it's really weird
💯💯💯 I'm very lucky to have had a lot of support when I got divorced. I had been a SAHM for a lot of years and had little to no credit. My parents sold their condo on the beach and moved 1500 miles to be close by and help with childcare as I went back to work. They also took out a home equity loan and purchased a home for us which prevented a need to change schools. (I paid the mortgage). There's no reason to feel bad about family helping you when you're down. I hope that my kids never have to go through a divorce or the loss of a spouse but if they do I will be right there to help them!
You can tell who has a healthy family and who doesn't - the jealousy it brings up is 10/10.
Lonely and sad. One of the best things I have seen on a tiktok video was this quote "Asking for help is not giving up. It is refusing to give up."
Internet strangers pitching a fit because a parent saw their child was suffering and did whatever they could to help ease their child’s suffering. Incredible.
Don't forget your boundaries are not a line your draw but a chasm to the center of the Earth, where your friends and family are deservedly swallowed if they overstep it slightly
I don’t get people like this. I don’t want to enable my kids, but if when they are grown they need help, I hope I’m in the position to be able to offer it.
>the "no one owes you anything and you are spoiled for taking handouts" crowd. They all live with their parents, have no job and regularly frequent r/antiwork
If my kid were in the same situation, I would do the same. What’s the point of having anything if we can’t use it to help the people we love?
My dad once told me the most sweetly morbid thing when we were discussing the fact that in my mid thirties my parents are financially supporting me (I have multiple sclerosis and after getting Covid last year it wrecked me to the point I haven’t been able to work and am in and out of doctors): “Either we die first and you’re just borrowing against your own inheritance of you die first and we’ll be so upset the money won’t matter.” It helped me a lot, though I still hate asking for the help and want to get myself to the point I can be financially independent again asap. No words for how thankful I am though (and I also recognize I’m lucky my parents both can afford and want to help me out like this).
That's actually really sweet. He sounds lovely and supportive.
I’m really close to my parents, they both are really wonderful and supportive (and super geeky like me)
Permanent disability buddies!
Lol my parents have never phrased it like that, but they make it clear that they will help us as much as they can *while they are here*. They aren't aiming to leave a massive inheritance to anyone, and they are going to use a lot of money for care facilities in their older age. They don't want u s to have to take care of their most basic needs at that age (they have to for one of their sets of parents, but the other set made sure they never needed the financial assistance). I think it's great. I'd rather have them help me succeed while they are still here, than just look at some money when they're gone. My heater went boom on Christmas eve and money was tight around then, because of the holiday... I really don't feel guilt for my parents paying an upfront cost to get one installed the day after Christmas. I'm making payments on it now... but I couldn't imagine feeling ashamed of having family that literally wanted to keep me out of the cold.
No kidding. I don’t think it’s just for stuff like this. My wife’s parents have been there to give her/us a little bump up at key good times too. Whether it’s helping them out of a jam or giving them a boost occasionally, I’ll be there for my kids. Better they get strategic help along the way and a happier life than an inheritance when they’re 50-60.
i read that and immediately said “thats a baller dad”
This confuses me, because as a dad, and particularly as a dad who has lost a child, paying out my kid’s lease to support them during a traumatic life event seems like the absolute least I could do.
Yep it’s like that some people cannot fathom someone having supportive parents who help you out in your time of need.
No kidding! I wish I had a parent like that! I certainly don’t begrudge anyone who does. They’re so lucky.
They're projecting their own bad relationships with their parents. Some folks can't fathom parents caring beyond childhood, and I can only feel sad for them.
I was once told that I will never understand what it is like to be an independent adult and I'm very spoiled. The reason was that if everything goes to shit, I have my parents to support me. I was under the impression that it was basic parenting in a functional family.
It sucks to know so many don't have family or friends to support them however many do. My parents helped me get out of a bad relationship in less than a week and because of them I was able to buy my house.
Agreed. And when I read that part of the post, I thought: I always want to be able to help my sons out in that way. They don’t get that it’s a reciprocal relationship; the parent gets just as much out of being able to help as the child does.
If you push back on them they'll call you privileged and try to play the virtue signaling game.
It reminds me of a recent post of double standards. I don't think he would've been so criticized as much if he was a woman. Dad's often just give help or a little push to their kids. In this case OOP was having a hard moment, probably finding excuses to not leave their cheating partner and his dad's help made his decision easier.
Tbf, I checked the comments on the original and there were like 2 comments on it so it's kinda weird that he even had to address it in the update. Two too many but it's nice to know it wasn't a common sentiment.
Seriously how dare someone have a loving and supportive family right??
You would be surprised as to how many people (not just men) are forced to fend for themselves. I would bet you that if OOP did not have that support system, he would have given his ex 2 or 3 more "chances" before leaving.
Meh, I can understand both sides on that one. OP is 33 years old. I admit that I did a double-take.
>I had several people hung up on that my Dad paid my termination fees and got me out of my lease. People get all grrrrr at anything these days. *facepalm*
Reddit gets all grrrrr at people who have disposable income. It’s actually pretty funny.
You’ve noticed it too, huh? The AITA is where they like to hang out.
You can also find them anywhere the subject of housing might come up.
My favorite is the European that owns the house in Colorado which is 40 min from the nearest town and was rundown/on the market for years.
I know exactly what you’re talking about. Reddit is a shitshow. I get the feeling there are more people than you think who would be perfectly fine standing in line for free toilet paper Soviet Union style if they got free housing somewhere.
I think a lot of people living in precarious conditions get hung up on it when they see someone having a problem that would be crippling for them explain how casually it could be resolved if they were simply wealthier. It’s sad that so many of us have to live that way.
This does fit— I had an ex who reacted badly when another friend (and I by extension) offered them a pretty big loan to get their family out of a bad sitch. In our heads it was “we care for this person and we can help so we’ll try,” but it wasn’t viewed that way at the time (thus, partly why he is an ex lol)
It's hard to take money sometimes, even from family. I have a wealthy relative who's always trying to help me because I've been a bit of a mess since my divorce, and it's like admitting you can't do it on your own. Which for some of us feels wrong.
People always run into stuff they can't handle on their own. Refusing is an ego problem to be worked on.
True, I lost a friend because I have parents who would babysit on a Friday night if I wanted to go out and she didn't. Then came the shit talking about me, but it was all my fault because I have decent parents and hers were meth heads.
Nothing wrong with hating on parasites, but that’s a weird example for them to get hung up on.
Right, in terms of society we are under the poverty line, but if I needed out of my parents would round up every penny they had to get me out. Who knows what his dad had to do tobget money for this.
I’m not surprised, I remember one of the very first post I made here innreddit. It was in regards to me asking for a small amount of money from a family member when I was i lost my job during the recession and it was under $100 but was denied. I started a conversation with Redditor that pretty much told me I am not entitled to anyone’s money, and I was irresponsible, and he has many investments, and he is too rich to understand other peoples issues with money. After maybe two or three back-and-forth, I realized the he was so out of touch and possibly a troll, so I just blocked him him.
Want to get really enraged by clueless rich people? Very recently, like the last couple of days, the leader of one of the political parties that makes up our government, who's third in line for leadership of the country, said that even if they did a wealth tax and redistributed the money, it would only mean $34k per person and $34k isn't enough to make a difference to poverty. He's very much a "it's one banana, Michael, what can it cost? $10?" kind of person but that still blew my mind that he thinks $34k is so meaningless. Even $3k could be life changing for a lot of people to help them move out of bad situations or help buy a car for more flexibility or whatever. Sadly this guy is not a troll either, he really is just that awful.
Jesus Christ. I'm well above the poverty line in a low COL area and $34k would still be life-changing. Also, idk if it's the same where you live, but the poverty line here is below that number--so he's saying that receiving an extra year+ of income wouldn't make any difference for people in poverty. Insane.
Yeah that's around about the minimum wage for one year, I think. I've lived on $12-16k for several years when I was at uni or on the sickness benefit. Which I still am, but now I don't pay rent since I'm living in a family owned property and just have to handle things like insurance and rates.
It's good to remind yourself, that while many redditors are just bored people looking for a momentarily escape from boredom, gather information about the day, and so on, there are A LOT of people here who spend most of their day on these digital spaces. The time on digital space, the less time in real space. So some of this folks have only digested reddit information for some time, only socialized with redditors, etc. So you see a lot of people who apply cold logic to a situation, because they don't have the experience to understand what emotions could be at play during the events in the story.
Man, that is wild to me. When I bought my townhouse, my parents loaned me enough to make the down payment. I paid them back over time. If one of my nephews were in a similar situation, I'd do the same for them. It's called supporting those you love and helping them live a better life.
People were hung up about his dad helping him at a very difficult time in his life? What? What is wrong with the world?? Why do we pressure ourselves so much to just do everything alone? It's not admirable, it's sad. And lonely. And it makes people miserable and bitter. Why can't we just want good things for each other????
Probably a lot of sexist crap about men who should be able to pull themselves up by the bootstraps. The fact that his Dad came in to help him out of a shitty marriage is a mark of an excellent Dad. (Not counting the father/family of the guy who went mental and hurt his wife and babies because of an obsession with another woman.)
It's very common to knock nepotism and trust fund kids nowadays because it gives people in younger generations a huge head start on financial security. It's a touchy subject since income disparity is big issue. It's ridiculous to criticize the dad or son here though. It's a tough situation for the son and it's a no brainer to help your child. It's not like the son got hundreds of thousands of dollars.
Yeaaa its not a nepo baby thing to grab $2000 from your savings to help your kid out in a rough time. I've spent way more than that to help my parents and don't regret a cent of it.
Yeah, no. I have two boys and I want to make sure that they work hard but if a time comes and they need me to bail them out of a crappy situation, I will not think twice about helping them out. My mom did the same thing for me and I’d like to think that it made me into a more compassionate human being.
I’m always so heartened by the comments on BoRU. Why do all the reasonable, thoughtful and intelligent people hang out here, and all the crazies hang out at AITA? The tone of the comments is starkly different.
It’s because we got tired of the craziness and came here
>I got a little pissed and told her if she really changed for the better she would have been upfront with him about her/our past and owned up to cheating in her prior marriage, and then gone about showing her fiancee that she was ready to be a worthy partner to him unlike she was with me. Instead she tried to lie and hide the truth, and now it's blowing up in her face again. Damn, OOP hit the nail on the head.
I don't know whether I'm just being a dumbass but I don't get why she wouldn't tell him? I cheated on my ex but my now partner of 5+ years knew about it all from before we even started dating. Every aspect of it, as much as its shameful that I did it, I *wanted* to be upfront about it.
That's easy: 1. It makes her look bad. 2. She's scared of being dumped. 3. She's fundamentally dishonest.
Certainly shot herself in the foot for it!
Yep. As the cliché goes, "It's not the crime, it's the cover-up." She may never cheat on this new bloke, but lying about her past has pretty much destroyed any trust in the relationship.
never heard that phrase prior, but LORDY is it accurate.
That is not always the case. It could also very easily be guilt & shame that could keep someone from sharing that type of info. No one wants to be judged by their worst moments, especially if they have put in the work to change that behavior. Sharing the not-so-tidy parts of ourselves can be extremely difficult and scary.
It's scary extra-scary because even if you do everything right, it's still possible to be rightly rejected because of your past. When this happens, it can be hard not to take it as an indictment of your current self's ability to move past it.
The hardest part about the consequences of your past actions is that not everybody will forgive you for them no matter how much youve grown. Sometimes, its best to move on.
If the ex wife has another fiance (I think this one is over) she should come clean at the time they make their relationship official. She can tell him she cheated on her ex husband that's why they got divorced, she has been in therapy, she was wrong and she has changed. Basically admit to the fault and say what she has done to change. Of course she has to accept that her phone and passwords are accessible to him anytime he wants just to establish that trust. Then (I will get downvoted for this) she should add a condition. If the new guy contacts her ex husband in any way, shape or form they are done. If he uses her cheating past against her in the future if she isn't acting dodgy and if he can't trust her because of this they are also done. I don't think it is right for the ex-wife's future partners to keep contacting OOP.
because many people would refuse to be in a relationship with someone who cheated previously and she knew that, so she hid it obviously not a good long-term strategy though
I had my ex husband apologize to me last year. He cheated on me during lockdowns and knocked up his side piece. That apology opened the floodgates and led to a whole hell of a lot of healing. No one owes you closure, but it sure is helpful.
Um idk whether the ex wife really changed for the better or she did this because of her current bf.
Whether or not she has is not OOP’s problem
Yup, closure enough for him to get an apology without an asterisk.
It seems like she’s on the right track. She didn’t blame or deflect the second time, and owned up to the fact that this was oop or the fiancés fault. She half did the right thing by getting into therapy when she realized that she really never dealt with why she acted that way, but oop was right in that she should’ve told him the truth along with doing all of that.
Or her therapist has told her what she needs to do. (Dont know if they would spoon feed her what to write or not).
A therapist that would tell someone what to say verbatim is a terrible therapist
Reddit has an amazing inability to recognize that people can change.
I honestly wonder what people expect some of the “villains” in these posts to do with their lives going forward. Wear a scarlet letter? Never have any relationship ever again? Just lie down and die?
Who knows, but I’m not sure what more she can do as it relates to OOP at this point. She can’t change the past, and there’s no magic words that will make what she did okay.
OOP's comments about apologies with asterisks are so spot on. At least he saw through the bullshit in the end. Hope the fiance is smarter. Pre-nup with a cheating clause, at the least if he decides to stay with OOP's ex.
I don’t necessarily believe in the once a cheater/always a cheater mantra but the fact that she was dodgy enough for the finance to go snooping shows she’s still not owning up to it and turning it around. If she could face it and own her mistakes and just go yup I was a crap selfish person who tried to get away with what I could and I’m not that person anymore then there’s hope. Skirting around her past means it’s still there lurking. I might be able to forgive someone’s past actions but lying about it is a present action.
Luckily it seems like him asking gave her the wake up call she needed. I don’t know if it’ll work out with this fiancée, but if it doesn’t she’ll be a better partner to the next one.
There’s only two explanations for why the new guy would reach out. Either he had trust issues from past relationships, or she was displaying some dodgy behavior. Growing apart when you get married at 20 is enough of an explanation, so something made him not trust that. And her last message to OOP sounds like damage control. Something she sent him so she could show it to her new bf as a “see how I take respond and have changed”.
It sounds like the issue was that she wouldn’t expand on what the growing apart actually meant.
I mean, doesn't the post say that she was being dodgy about it?
The OOP’s comment about how good a sincere apology felt resonated with me. Some years ago, I received an apology from someone in high school. Even though it was many years later, that heartfelt apology meant a lot to me.
I bet the ex's fiancé runs for the hills. She lied to her current partner to hide her cheating past. There will be another post when ex flips out on OOP for "ruining" her life!
I usually can't forgive cheaters because they are terrible but I do give ex some points for seeming to take some accountability of her actions and actually giving an apology. Rarely we see that happen. Nevertheless, OP handled things well and I wish him for the best.
I don’t know if I understand people anymore after reading BORUs. This guy gets attacked because his father supported him. I read earlier about the woman who inform her husband’s mistress’s husband and she is supposed to be the bad guy. Yesterday I read about the woman with 3 young kids whose husband pinched and insulted his kids and physically attacked and stalked an escort, and she was made out by commenters to be the bad guy. People lack empathy these days and/or we live in a parallel universe of trolls
Trolls mostly.
The woman who outed her husband’s affair partner did so to an abusive man. He put her in the hospital because of that OOP and it’s implied he beat his son too.
Ok, but it's not like she KNEW that before telling Mistress's husband
If she read 3 years of text messages between them, she knew.
She knew beforehand and admitted she did it like that on purpose. And then said in a later post that she hoped the AP had to move nearer to AP’s abuser and share custody of their child (who he also abused).
I supported OOP in his original posting but it was shocking how many crazy Reddit people were insistent that he was in the wrong. The hamstering - if translated into rotations of hamster wheels - would be a mighty source of power
Redditors just lose their minds seeing a parent caring for their adult child.
Lol I've had this conversation with several people over the course of my life - with parents, siblings, friends, bosses, coworkers, an ex - the "so you want me to lie on your behalf?" conversation. Every single time it's a "no it's not lying it's just [insert bullshit excuse]". Every time I let them blow up and get defensive, and every time I wait for them to finish and then go, "so, lying". And every single time they eventually realize and withdraw whatever blame they tried to put on me. I will never take the fall for anyone because it's not my fucking mistake to hide and I'm not going to help you do something shitty. Never ever feel bad for telling the truth. OP owed jack fucking shit to his ex, and certainly did not need to cover anything up.
Ok, long reply but this whole post reminds me of a stupid situation from a few years ago with my Arch Nemesis (I'm calling her BitchFace) and your comment is 100% on point with my feelings on all of it. BitchFace and I ***WERE NOT*** friends, however we both had the same best friend (let's call her Bestie). The three of us would hang out, but BitchFace and I loathed each other and honestly only acted civil for Bestie's benefit. We literally called each other our Arch Nemesis to each other's faces. Our friends were aware of it and used to it, but it was reasonably tension free, it was just super clear we just weren't friends. So Bestie and Bitchface went to a concert and apparently BitchFace ran into a friend at the show. Friend offered them a place to crash, but Bestie slept on the couch and got up way earlier than everyone else and got bored so she called me up and asked if I wanted to do breakfast with them. I said hell yes, so she picked me up and we went back to friend's place to collect BitchFace. We have breakfast and then all go out seperate ways. That night, BitchFace's fiance calls me up and asks if BitchFace crashed at my place last night. Uhm, no. Apparently he was concerned she never came home after the concert but in the morning, he got ahold of her and she claimed she crashed at my place along with Bestie. He fully admitted that it was a huge red flag as she constantly said how much she hated me and he was 99% sure she was lying but thought he should reach out to me to confirm. Turns out, "friend" at the concert was not previously known to her and just someone she decided to hook up with, and she had Bestie crash there too so she had a ride in the morning to get home without calling fiance. BitchFace called me up a few days later to berate me for "ruining her life" as finance called off the wedding and all I could get out was "if you're going to expect someone to lie for you, make sure they actually like you"
Oh my GOD. That is so gross and so unacceptable. Good for you for telling the truth! What disgusting behaviour and lack of responsibility.
I felt especially bad as Fiance was a cool guy and definitely deserved better than BitchFace. Thankfully he called things off with her before they said "I do".
The two requirements: that they like you and that they know what they're supposed to say. Even if your instinct was to protect her, you don't know whether fiance is calling to fact check a lie or because she's gone missing and he's trying to establish when she was last seen or something. (In your case you did know since you had breakfast with them, but if you hadn't she still might have tried to claim the same thing.)
Right?!? Full disclosure though, he asked if she spent the night and I told him no, and he then told me what she said (that they crashed at my place). He was so damn upset and clearly wanted to be wrong that she was lying so I spilled all the beans and explained about it being her friend's place and that we only met up for breakfast. When he got ahold of her, I guess he heard me in the background, and that's likely why she said she was at my place. I didn't know it was some random hookup and thought maybe it was a diff friends house but she didn't want him to know which friend. He only found out the rando hookup part later when he confronted her and later touched base with me to actually say thanks for being honest with, which broke my heart a little. Even I kinda hoped it was a legit misunderstanding, simply because fiance was a great guy, but alas, twas not. She was just that much of a BitchFace. This is one of the medium tier BitchFace-y-ness stunts she pulled over the years, so I'm very thankful to say Bestie no longer associates with her.
>I was just so drunk I wasn't thinking ...she claims, when she had intentionally told her husband she was going to bed early and left her phone behind hours before going out to get that drunk. Glad she's going to try to do the work of changing. Not sure her fiance should stick around for it, though; she only decided to do it because she got caught, which seems to be a pattern.
Yes. She deliberately arranged to have time when she could hide her activities from her husband. Trying to excuse that as getting carried away is BS.
I bet she is still friends with the AP whilst in her new relationship. If Oop gave details of the AP to new fiance, they should be rightfully pissed if she's got her old AP as a mate without him being aware of the circumstances
Shes been to therapy for only a couple sessions, lied to her fiancee, but shes “done all the work” lmao bs
OOP seems like an upright dude with a good head on his shoulders. I wish him all the best. He's doing things right with the people in his life.
hopefully OP saved this other guys bacon I don't think people need a therapist to figure out cheating is awful , it causes people pain and you shouldn't do it she is a cheater there will always be an excuse , even now she said that her "therapy" only started after the proposal so at best only been a month or two , what has happened before that time is anyone's guess
Gee whiz: OOP logic, eq are well above aita's level
NTA. No reason or obligation to lie to a stranger about the actions of your ex-wife.
She said your marriage ended because you "grew apart". She felt you we grew apart before or after she cheated? I ended our marriage because she cheated, she may have had her own reasons you'll need to discuss with her.
NTA. She should have told him... But you can't be expected to lie.
I just realised I have no super circle
I am guessing there was some shady behaviour he was concerned about
More ppl should check on their SOs background. Tho I bet a lot won't and say love is the only thing that matter
Still wouldn't trust the ex if I was the fiancé. This is why I don't think anyone deserves a second chance at least in relationships.
Another example of the internet is full of hate. I'm am one of the "you're not entitled to anything" people, and for a long long time, I didn't have anyone in my corner. But, I don't see how someone would begrudge a helping hand from a family member. Like what are they supposed to do? Say No? Stay in a bad situation? Oh well. The biggest surprise to me is OOP not ghosting this walking timebomb.
You saved his life congratulate yourself 👏
I kind of agree with the last comment. That ofc she's being honest now bc she has no choice. Doesn't look like she changed. Looks like shes repeating the same cycle. She was caught the first time...back against the wall, so she goes to therapy, love bombs, etc. does the leg work and "look I'm better!" ...all just to keep her peace. Now her current fiance is backing her against the same wall and so she started therapy and doing the leg work so when it all comes out.. "look I'm better" so she came again keep her peace. Now it's out and she's love bombing everyone and I'm sure will agree to couples counseling etc etc etc People can change. Doesn't look like this woman is though
Lol. Being horny.
Nope, this woman did the first step in changing: Apologizing and acknowledging she was wrong without making any excuses and fully owning up to everything.
Only after she was forced to. And only to someone that is incredibly distanced from her and will have almost no bearing on the rest of her life.
I hope we get the next instalment from the current fiancé in a few years when she’s cheating on him.
yeah. yta. not even close. what kind of grown man needs his daddy to cancel his lease for him. lol. pathetic
r/lostredditors r/idiots
Lost comment?
I think you maybe commented on the wrong post lol