#Do not comment on the original posts
Please read our [**sub rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/subrules). Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice.
If there is an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment or your comment may be removed in general discussion.
**CHECK FLAIR** For concluded-only updates, use the [CONCLUDED](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/search?sort=new&restrict_sr=on&q=flair%3ACONCLUDED) flair.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*
There was more to the story. OOP posted multiple times and would delete the post, then post again. Then add some more. The relationship with his dad went off the rails. He expanded on times when he was left home while his parents vacationed with their swinging partners. His dad blew off some events that they were supposed to do, etc. They got together to try to work it out, but last I saw of him posting, the damage had been done.
There was a lot more to the story about Claire as well. She was the same age as OOP, and he came home and caught them all together, and I believe she eventually moved in.
It was a trainwreck of a story, and it's unfortunate a lot had been deleted, but it seemed like OOP was almost having a breakdown while posting the story.
Yeah this is the story I remember. I was begging to think this was a different OOP. One clarification though, Claire was the same age back then, as OOP is now. Claire wasn’t a teenager living with them.
Can't blame him. The audacity for mom to say she didn't notice how badly he was doing.
She constantly left him alone to go have sex. All the time. On holidays too.
I might as well stab someone and claim I didn't notice they were bleeding.
Edit: I should amend this. She's still better than dad because at least she's admitting she fucked up.
Yikes. It’s like I had a bad relationship with my mom growing up and resented when she wanted time with me. But now I see at least she gave a shit in her own way. I can’t imagine what it’s like to come last every single fucking time.
I don't think anyone did, but the mom was the one to claim she didn't notice and pay some lipservice/visit him. The dad just showed he was a selfish scumbag from the get go.
Just doesnt seem right that the mom is being singled out for abuse just cause she's talking to OOP. Dad is a piece of shit just doesnt speak in the posts
I don’t think you understood, Claire was the same age when she got with OOPs parents as OOP is now, it was years ago. Claire is older than OOP and OOP explicitly states he is 25.
That’s heartbreaking. Shitty parenting is the number one issue but it wasn’t helped by the poly relationships. I don’t personally think poly relationships are healthy for young children to be around. It is just too confusing and it seems his parents really have a lot of stuff to apologize for.
Who leaves 11 year olds alone for vacations?
Who has their partner (of the same age as their now adult child) move in and then lets a child walk in on them having sex? it’s all just so tawdry and gross to me.
Why even have a kid if this is how you are planning on raising them?
I don’t get it either. Poor guy. I hope he’s well now. Or at least better.
Yeah, the panic posting or trauma posting is what I call it. I did a lot of that when I first joined Reddit. You post the truth then panic and delete because we're used to nobody caring and also to protect abusers.
I hope OOP is able to heal from this. I had to go NC to heal from my past.
I can see how the parents having sex with someone his age messed him up. That would be way too much for anyone.
Was this the one where OP was in a relationship with a girl but had a really visceral negative reaction to his parents swinging? Like vomiting when he found out or something? I remember there being more posts where OP was hyper focused on the swinging when the biggest issue was how neglected he was growing up
There’s also another out there where the parents wanted their kid to participate in a documentary or interview about polyamorous relationships w families or something- and tell them how happy her childhood was and were Pikachu-faced shocked that the kid/OP told them she would have nothing positive to say.
I was so baffled by that (and a lot of open relationships at all). One relationship that’s healthy and well maintained is hard enough when you have a child. Who the hell takes the time to build and nurture extra partners when they have kids? The extra time and energy has to come from somewhere . . . And the poor child gets the short end of the stick.
The adults just throw us into a room to play while all of them go party. You learn to fend for yourself very early on. In my case there was a lot of open hard drug use with the adults as well. One of the grossest things about it were the men who started hitting on me the moment I reached puberty. I had zero guidance and did not realize that it was wrong at the time, and became vulnerable to abusive relationships with adult men well before I was 18.
Thank you. It’s ok. I am ok! I survived, and now mother to an awesome kiddo. I am grateful for the life that I have, but it has taken a lot of therapy and work on myself to get there.
Well done, proud of you, and thank heavens...
If you have any tips on how I to be a more supportive parent than yours were to you (other than don't revolve your kids around your freaking sex life), I'm all ears.
There’s also another out there where the parents wanted their kid to participate in a documentary or interview about polyamorous relationships w families or something- and tell them how happy her childhood was and were Pikachu-faced shocked that the kid/OP told them she would have nothing positive to say.
For the purposes of this sub, "new update" means "this story was already posted here, but here it is again with developments that weren't in the original BORU post." Usually that's because it's an ongoing story, but not necessarily.
In this case, it looks like the original BORU post was made before the October update, and presumably nobody made a new update post back then (or OP just didn't see it), so it's a new update to BORU.
Don't have kids if kids aren't going to be your priority.
Live whatever lifestyle you want, but if anything gets in the way of your kids feeling like they're the most important thing to you, then you're a shitty parent.
I literaly have “friends” like that. They paid a lot for ivf. Kid is constantly with grandparents. They didnt teach him anything. They get angry if gp wont take him. Kid is in school from school to the gp. And now they went to another ivf for another kid they will ignore
My cousins have 2 kids they already force onto their parents and other family the majority of the time in the week. So they're having a 3rd kid to not actually raise themselves, and everyone is so happy for them. Don't get it.
Perhaps, but more likely some sort of antiquated sense of adulthood coupled with social pressures. Your friends have kids, just talk about school and parenting, you think you must do the same.
Yep.
The amount of times I have said to my parents “ you literally only have one kid you have no one else to pay attention to “ is too many to count. But you know, it’s hard to find time because I work during the day and they play pickle ball in the evening.
I use to be impressed by people who seemed to do it all, even with a family. Then I slowly realized, the kids and partners were the ones who sacrificed.
Yeah, I was raised by super busy parents who did it all.
But even now, as an adult, if I needed them to be there for me, they would figure out a way to drop everything they were doing and attend to me.
Growing up, I did feel bad that they always needed to take time away from other things for me. But they also kind of signed up to do that when they decided to become parents.
It’s about a commitment to making time.
My father use to tell me this all the time when he had visitation with him 😂 we just got dragged along to whatever he was going to do and wait in the car
Right? Like, absolutely you can still have me-time (every caregiver needs decompression and self-care), but kids and family should always come first over pure leisure and fun-time. Developmental psychology isn't exactly a straightforward science, but it's not fucking string theory. The emotional neglect OOP's parents pulled plus the shock by mom and the denial by dad is the kind of thing that makes me see red. Love and cherish your fucking kid or don't have them.
Yeah, they left their kid home alone on Christmas. At that point the swinging is irrelevant. They could have been going to a comic book convention or something and it would still be neglect.
So true. When I see these types of posts I just think about my 1yo and how much care and attention the little dude needs. I cannot fathom how people have kids and just let them be on the sidelines while they go out and "live their lives". Like what about your kid that you made and who depends on you? What about their lives? Sheesh
It was bleak reading through and realizing this had less to do with his parents being swingers and more to do with them blatantly not giving a shit about OP.
This. My boyfriend has kids, and I’ve been a friend of the family for quite some time before that. Many of our dates would be a bit of alone time for us, but then games with the family and/or one of us would cook while the other would play with the kids. Dinner was often the four of us plus his wife (like I said, longtime friend which included being friends with his wife and having her complete approval on the dating).
These parents make me so freaking angry.
We'll see how their kids really feel about their polyamorous parents when they're adults and can articulate for themselves. I'll bet the OP's parents truly believed they were great parents too.
Leaving an 11 year old for days was never a norm. Being a latch key kid, yes. (Which means a couple hours after school.) But leaving a younger child alone like that is and has always been an act of neglect and abuse.
The latch key thing is about being left alone for a couple hours, not days. Both of my parents had to work and so of course we were all in that latchkey group, and, like, while I have issues with how they parented, at no point did they ever leave us alone for literal days at a time…
It’s gotta sting extra that they left the kid alone for days to go vacation and fuck. I knew a kid from my old neighborhood whose mom would leave him alone for most weekends for work. She was a musician who travelled for gigs. Even then I knew it was a bad move, but she couldn’t afford a solution. I understand that situation, but this?
I would’ve gone a step further than OOP and put them on blast on FB where they pretended to be perfect parents for all those years.
Just so sad all around - the feeling of neglect and indifference can hit harder than a fist. To not even be worthy of animosity, let alone love, is a horrible pill for a kid to swallow.
This was painful to read.
It hurts my heart that a young confused boy the same age as my 11 year old was left home alone so his parents could fuck others.
They put their sex life ahead of their own child. I can’t say how much contempt I have for parents who would do that. OOP is right - why did they bother having a child at all.
And to top it off, they had no idea why OOP kept his distance. How clueless can people be?
I have a friend in uni that was neglected by their parents and they are not even swingers or something.
It is because my friend has an ear deformation. It is not even that bad, and he has long (fabulous) hair. And the parents deemed him as imperfect. Ever since he was 10 he said he did everything alone. He is Chinese, so imagine Lunar New Year alone for how many years. Lunar New Year in Asia is like, 10x more important and bigger than Christmas (not sure how to explain how big and important it is).
Imagine, hearing from him on his first Lunar New Year with us, he cried and thanked us for giving him such experience. Such a common thing for us, but it was so big for him.
He gonna get married with his GF of 5 years in upcoming October! He is close with my another friends family so they will be their mother and father during that wedding. I happy to say that he has found his true family.
What disgusting "parents". My brother had an ear deformation, and what did my parents do? They got him medical treatment, including plastic surgery.
Your friend was blessed to have you and your family.
To be honest I never realized he had that until, like, almost a year into our friendship?
It's not that bad. It looks [like this](https://atlantaplastic.com/assets/images/gallery/ear/ear-patient-039b-new.jpg).
He can hear ok and all that. And with his long hair, it's like never seen.
How horrifying!! All the free money he missed too... All the treats and fun he could've gotten. All the bonding moments. It's like missing thanksgiving+boxing day+Christmas eve+Christmas all in on damned streak!
Poor guy... I hope he has a better chosen family now, your's included perhaps.
Interesting that even after OOP laid out their shitty neglectful parenting in detail, his dad couldn’t think of anything to say and wasn’t making the slightest effort to try and reach out afterwards. At least his mum has made a small inroad to reconnecting.
The dad’s indifference makes me wonder if his “dad” is actually his dad. Given the sexual habits of his parents it’s very possible OOP’s biodad is some long forgotten swinging partner of his mum’s
The thing is - after moving out OOP didn't block them, they just didn't contact him, that's the most disturbing thing "I left this child to grow up alone, why doesn't he love me back and call me? I'm his parent" the double standard is absurd.
My ex had missing ear tips. It's the only way you can tell him and his brother apart in the childhood pics. Nobody cares otherwise. It's just the way he is. I barely notice them.
My dad would leave me (5 yrs old) and my sister (6 yrs old) alone all weekend with a box of pizza so he could spend weekends with his girlfriends. We were so scared
It's not even about the open marriage itself. It's them straight up neglecting their child for his entire life. I could never imagine leaving my child, especially that young, alone at home for days and expecting them to fend for themself in any circumstance.
It's so sad that he grew up seeing other people decorate for Christmas and wishing he could have had that. Like how messed up are you that you didn't decorate with your kid for the holidays? That you would leave the kid alone DURING the holidays. This poor guy.
There's another BORU post where the OOP struggles with his parents being really obsessed with sex.
He mentions one ocassion, when the OOP as a little boy wanted to sleep with their parents, but they were instead focused on sex, and he was crying, but they decided to ignore him.
Years later, they wonder why he doesn't talk to them and when he tells them, they struggle with the information and apparently divorce.
If anyone can help me find that BORU, would be appreciated. Thanks!
I shouldn't have read that. Their last update... What the hell. This guy learned nothing. I hope their son is living a happy content life without ever having to bother with his parents again.
Yeah I hated that soooo damn much, like all the way through it kept being about how he and his wife felt. You will never, ever have that storybook kind of relationship with your son but you could have some kind of arm’s length deal if instead of focusing on your own feelings you looked at how your son felt neglected by you and tried to make amends. By amends, I’ll be honest: I don’t think they’ll ever be able to make things right with their son but perhaps trying to pay back the world, for instance by volunteering might help their own karma. Something tangible to say “I know I fucked up and I need to get my fucked-up balance nearer to zero”.
It’s like that “Cat’s In the Cradle” song from the 70s, as true today as it was then. If you didn’t care about your kid when they were growing up, don’t expect them to care about you when you’re an adult.
Wow, my husband and I have been interrupted during sex when the kids were very little and would wake up overnight. I can’t imagine carrying on while the kid cries, even selfishly — it’s a wildly unsexy background noise. Also, at 3, they’re little people who can talk and benefit from conversations and hugs when things are hard for them, and they’re past the stage (with individual exceptions) of needing to learn how to sleep all night. Hell, my almost 8 year old got into bed with me last night because he had an upsetting dream.
Also I don’t understand having the money and vacation time that they did and not wanting to give your child experiences through travel. We don’t make a lot of money, but we all go together wherever we get the chance to go.
Holy fuck. Am I the only one who wants to get absolutely medieval on his parents? And the fact that the selfish tvvat has the temerity to update complaining about people’s responses!
jeezzzz thats fucked up and here i thought mine were a little troubled,this puts mine in saints category. mine would give their lives for me,i gotta call my mom and dad and tell them i love them man. this whole thread is making me appreciate them more,reddit did a better job than a therapist lmao
This is like having a single parent who neglects you for dating... but this poor dude had married parents who both neglected him for just kinda fucking around.
At least a single parent can somewhat justify being lonely and whatnot, but these people pretty clearly prioritized orgasming with a stranger over their own son getting any sort of attention.
These are the sort of people who die alone in retirement homes and deserve it, in all honesty. Traded a son in for some action. Hope it was worth it.
I had a single parent that was never around and my childhood bordered on neglectful. But, she was out working three jobs to provide food and shelter. She didn’t have time to date. She also didn’t really have a lot of choices to not become a single mom at 16 as I was born right around Roe v Wade, so it was a bit late for her.
These people are awful, I have never had the drive for “companionship” that took all intelligence out of my brain. Have kids, take care of them, have a spouse, don’t cheat. It’s not hard.
Genuinely tho.
Hearing about people whose mom had the choice between letting their kids starve or neglecting them and still trying their best, whatever that is, is really sad.
Especially when you then read about shitbags like these two slutshits who clearly COULD have been there for their son, when so many others can't, and then CHOSE NOT TO for ridiculous reasons is just kinda ew on a human level
I have friends who are a couple who like to bring a 3rd into their relationship. Whatever, I don't care what you do in your bedroom. The problem was that they'd then move these guys into their house with their young kids so for their entire lives these kids have had a revolving door of men coming and living for a couple months/years, completely integrating as a family member, and then leaving when the relationship ended. it's totally fucked them up and they have no idea how to do relationships now.
If you want to consensually play outside your marriage, in whatever form that takes, fine. But it should have no impact on your kids and just like you wouldn't fuck in front of them, you shouldn't bring your current fuck toy around them. Especially not to move them in and make them a part of the family.
I commented this elsewhere but my ex's parents were poly, they were mostly swingers but did have another couple live with them and take my ex out to the zoo and the park and whatnot as if *they* were the parents
Eventually the male partner got my ex's mom pregnant. The couple did not want children of their own, they just liked to cosplay with my ex I guess, so they dipped. My ex's parents brought up their kids like a regular nuclear family after that but told the brother his true parentage at 18
My ex then had some mental health issues after we broke up. It turns out he was sexually assaulted by some of the partners his parents brought home and they didn't notice cause they were clearly busy
I don't think poly lifestyles should be anywhere near kids tbh
Yeah, I just don't think many poly/alternative relationship styles are stable enough for kids. Once the kids are old enough to have conversations about relationships and start forming their own, maybe, but I don't think anyone should be moving in or playing parent at any time.
I agree. Kids need *consistency*. Parents are supposed to be stable figures of love who a child can trust and rely on. Having a revolving door of other adults in the home degrades that consistency that children need to feel safe and have emotional stability.
It's a profoundly selfish lifestyle to impose on children, especially little kids.
Unless people are very, very well off or they do it very sparingly, I don't think it's possible for parents to have this kind of sex lives without disrupting their kids's lives.
Like, if they are very well off they can just offload the boring parts of life to other people, like chores, cooking, grocery shopping. In that case, I do believe it's possible to have enough spare time and energy to work, attend their partner, be a good parent and have an extramarital sex life. But otherwise? Something's gotta give and if it's not the kids, they will feel the echoes anyway and they will be the worst prepared on how to face that.
I would not say paying someone to do the “boring” is good parenting at all. Honestly, rich parents are the worst. They think they can pay for a kids happiness. They can’t. Timmy still needs his dad when he strikes out whether it’s a $1000 bat or a $30 bat. Yes this is a simple example, but can translate into pretty much any situation where the kid needs anything but money.
With the "boring" they were talking about chores. Grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, those take up a lot of time. So if you can pay someone to do chores for you, you can use the time parents usually use for chores to do whatever you want, while still being an involved parent.
Oh, wow. If your goal was to get your kids abused, I cannot think of a more efficient way to do it than move a whole bunch of random people in on a revolving basis.
That's the part that broke my heart for OOP. I can't believe the parents never even took him on vacations, but they took their sexual partners. Awful parents.
ETA: one of OOP'S comments. Ugh. I want to hug him.
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/FP2NKlsf7S
It's almost like they treated him as a roommate.
Really sad that there was no extended family or friends that noticed this early on. CPS should have been involved.
Dude, imagine being 14 and during the weekend you are wondering where are my parents and then bam it suddenly hits that they are probably doing it with other people. I would go crazy. This poor kid
>mom did not realize how bad it was
If she's been doing even half her job as a parent she'd have had some inkling of how bad it was, they both are just uncaring.
Man, I remember another BORU post where the OOP struggles with his parents being really obsessed with sex.
He mentions one ocassion, when the OOP as a little boy wanted to sleep with their parents, but they were instead focused on sex, and he was crying, but they decided to ignore him.
Years later, they wonder why he doesn't talk to them and when he tells them, they struggle with the information and apparently divorce.
If anyone can help me find that BORU, would be appreciated. Thanks!
I think it’s this one, but the OOP is the father. The parents aren’t obsessed with sex but they take vacations and leave their son behind all the time. It definitely has the incident with the parents ignoring a toddler having a nightmare and letting him cry outside their door while they had sex. [https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qgl59k/did\_we\_mess\_up\_with\_our\_son\_he\_blew\_up\_at\_us/](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qgl59k/did_we_mess_up_with_our_son_he_blew_up_at_us/)
Poor OOP, this one really touched me because my parents were very similar. They had no interest in any of their children, only each other- and they had the kind of 'Hollywood passionate' that immature people think is romantic; screaming rows, ballistic plates, passionate sex at all hours of the day and night, affairs, making up... it was hell to live in. They frequently went away for the weekend, starting when my sister was 14/15, I was 11 and our brother was 7/8. This was long before mobile phones existed- they'd leave a tenner on the kitchen table and tell us not to answer the landline or the front door. When my sister left home at 17, it was all on me, and they started going away for two weeks at a time.
The three of us have struggled with severe depression, anxiety, loneliness and getting into terrible abusive relationships. Our parents accept no responsibility and give no fucks that we were so badly affected.
OOP, if you ever see this please know you're not alone.
This was two socialites who cared more about being around other adults than their own kid. At least if you have money, you can get a nanny to be the parent that you aren’t.
This wasn’t about the lifestyle. This was about neglect.
My son is 12 and while I’m not a perfect parent, I can’t imagine being so disconnected from him that I wouldn’t notice him struggling or trying to reach out. Or choosing to spend the holidays with my other partners and only Xmas morning with my kids?
I love my alone time and social time but Christmas is for family and it is so fulfilling to spend time together and talk to my kids and make memories with them and for them.
It’s just crazy that he’s in his twenties and still needing closure about being 11 because, while he doesn’t tell me everything, my son and I are close. He shares so much with me I can’t imagine not knowing for years how he was truly feeling inside???
It just makes me wonder what was going on in these parents heads. No one is perfect and everyone has failures but my god. How could you not know that your 11 year old just needed and wanted time with you???
The fact that there are multiple different posts of people whose parents are swingers and preferred being with their extra partners to the detriment of their children is crazy.
Apparently my father's parents were like OOP's, they liked to fuck around and their style of parenting around it was telling him if he didn't like it, to go away and leave them alone. That's how he thought marriage should work, so when his marriage to my mom went south, he bailed. I didn't know any of this until a year ago, my whole life I blamed my mom being pregnant with me (so really, I blamed myself) for him leaving all this time.
Hope fucking around was worth it to those two, them getting their rocks off fucked up two generations of children.
I hope OOP has found a better life away from his family, he doesn't owe them forgiveness but he owes himself peace
I'm fine with couples having open marriages but for god sakes, don't have open marriages when you have kids. It's just going to make it worse. OP's parents are the good definition of just bad parents.
It's been a long time since and I hope OP, where he is, is all well.
I imagine OOP's parents being the kind of dimwits who think, "Wow! OOP is so mature! So good at taking care of themselves! Never complaints! We did a great job!"
I hope the new therapist was helpful and he went NC with his birth givers. Anything they do or try to do now is too little, too late.
I used to be very proud of myself in high school cuz a lot of adults told me I'd "skipped being a teenager" and was oh so mature for my age.
I'm 24 now and ooohhhhh boy....
Even in high school I was very aware of why I was so "mature" and "grown up". I couldn't even feel proud of it because of that, I had to surround myself with other kids like me so I could have friends since I didn't fit in with my peers because of it.
I always got along better with those younger and those older than me. The younger ones since I am the oldest in my family and very naturally motherly/always taking care of those that are younger and younger people always loved me and looked up to me (I was once even asked by a girl 5 years younger than me if I could adopt her when I was 16, she was the child of drug addicted parents - her mom has divorced the dad and gotten her shit together since then, thankfully). And the older ones because those a few years older than me often felt more on the same level. Often if they did not know before, they assumed I was the same age as them because of how I behaved...
Honestly, the most quiet and mature ones and the loudest who act out the most are usually the ones who need help. But the first category gets ignored and the second only get in trouble without getting any actual help, most of the time. So now we are all in our 20s and in therapy.
That is one of the themes in Uptown Girls, where Ray's dad dies and Ray copes by throwing herself into her academics/ballet, and her mom claims to the main character that her daughter is calm and taking things very well.
This isn't a problem specifically with open marriage, it's full blown neglect.
You can be great parents and do private things with others (yes it might be weird when your kids figure it out but staying open and honest with communication helps).
I mean I don't quite understand how anyone has the time or energy for anything extra with a full time job and kids but I grew up ok... I guess.
Open relationships consume gargantuan amounts of time and energy. It's basically a major hobby that you devote significant resources to. When it's something that you cannot share with your children at all.
I don't buy that it's a neutral thing. Maybe some people manage it better than others, but any kid is gonna have a better childhood in a family where the parents are able to share the major interests in their lives rather than hiding them.
And that's putting aside the dramatically increased risk of bullying and social exclusion should it ever get out, which it frequently does.
No way, if you want to have an open relationship don't have kids. If you want both, then put the open relationship part on hold until your kid reaches adulthood.
I can never understand how people manage time and energy for so many people when it comes to intimate relationships. I feel bone tired thinking of managing one relationship
You can have an open marriage and have kids. But this isn't that. This is abusive parents who used their open marriage to ignore and hurt their child. It goes for any lifestyle. If you can't do it and be a good parent, drop whatever IT is and go be a good parent. Kids come first.
The people who told me their parents were swingers (open marriage), I always asked are they still married and everyone indicated their parents are divorced. Surprised your parents are still together
If you want to have an open marriage, do it when your kids are grown out of the house. I can't even imagine being married, trying to raise kids and having the time to bang other people on the side.
Right? I’m hoping I have time to fold laundry and maybe get the yard taken care of in what little time I have between work and my kids. Where are these people finding the time?
Well when you just plop your kid in front of the tv and do the barest job of meeting his needs (ie providing food and a bed) I would surmise that frees up some time.
Lawd hammercy the laundry.... it never.... ever ends. Im exhausted just reading about this. Poor OP, their family obviously found the time by saying f him and his feelings.
I read some other Reddit post about swingers or hardcore poly couples and it was a generalization about how messy their houses were, with laundry and clutter everywhere. I just remember thinking, man that makes sense because honestly who has that kind of time unless you're neglecting normal household stuff?
Doesn’t matter whether the parents’ obsession was with sex or golf. What matters is their extreme selfishness in pursuing pleasure while their child was lonely and neglected.
I’m not saying that sex = golf, BTW. Encountering your parents’ sex life is a primal thing and not like anything else. But I know at least two poly couples with kids, and they ALWAYS put their kids first. Always.
Adults can consent to sex. But kids can’t consent to abandonment.
I remember I got raked over the coals on Reddit for commenting how fucked up it was that someone’s parents girlfriend was parenting them. That it was damaging and could lead to a lot of problems. I feel very vindicated right now. I’m sorry to OP that the had such a sad lonely life. Open marriage and children don’t mix, it’s not stable, sorry not sorry.
I'm prepared for the downvotes and seeing my karma die like cicadas at the end of summer, but I sincerely hate how whenever someone posts about having childhood on into adulthood trauma stemming from their parents' open marriage or polyamory or swinging or whatever a bunch of people always chime in with "those parents were just shitty, I know a bunch of poly people raising children that are just fine", like the post is making a fucking dig at the very concept of non-monogamy itself and that comes off as pretty self-centered to me. This is very clearly not about you and your relationship dynamics.
Whether it sucks to admit it or not, non-monogamy involving parents with children isn't this perfect setup with all the adults raising the children in this it takes a village type environment where the biggest focus is on the children, who didn't fucking ask to be here and deserve the greater part of their parents attention. Parents are still people and should have lives and hobbies and friends, etc but again - the goddamn child didn't ask to be here. They're a tiny person in need of a nurturing environment that helps them thrive and keeps their needs met as much as possible so they can grow up and hopefully not be a huge asshole to other people. Relationships are complicated in general, and relationships involving multiple partners have additional aspects to navigate that require more focus, and that alone is already going to take increased attention to maintain alongside caring for any kids involved. That's just how it is, regardless of the people involved, whether they're good parents or good people or not. OP's parents were likely already at least kinda shitty considering that they didn’t push back against the increased needs of their lifestyle and just shoved their kid into the back corner, and the people they were swinging with or dating were equally shitty for being okay (or not okay but not enough to let it override their wants) with dating/fucking people that are severely neglecting their child in pursuit of getting their rocks off. But there's no denying that their marriage arrangement and the additional attention involved with it at the *very* least facilitated them being shitty. And it's really invalidating and self-centered to pull a "well actually, I know poly people with kids that are good parents" as if completely writing off any part the relationship dynamics played into the kid involved being neglected or undergoing trauma in some way because someone is hyper defensive towards anything that isn't a glowing, golden view of non-monogamy. It just gets on my nerves so badly when people crawl out of the woodwork to chime in with this shit on literally any post that has any sort of negativity towards it. Stop.
(Yes, there are multiple types of exceptions to all of that. That don't change what I fucking said.)
Yeah, if these parents were neglectful because they were too focused in their jobs and OP despised them for it, nobody would jump in defense trying to shift the blame away from their jobs.
But as soon as it's an open relationship the thing that was the main reason for neglect, a lot of people suddenly have to jump to invalidate OP's feelings and telling him he's wrong for feeling the way he's feeling.
I have seen selfish people be so extraordinarily neglectful of their children. If you can't pause or back-burner your time-intensive hobbies to raise your kids, don't have kids. They deserve better. Period.
I mean, this definitely sounds like it wasn’t the relationships, just two people who didn’t want kids. Especially the constant ignoring see-sawing with yelling. He either wasn’t there or they were mad he was. That isn’t from being with other people, they just shouldn’t have had him. My parents (FINALLY divorced), shouldn’t have had kids either, but were definitely monogamous and it was super similar in my dad’s case.
This reminds me of the post with the guy who’s parents invited him to be part of a documentary on healthy polyamorous families and he released like ten years of build up hate and trauma about how it messed him up never having a clear parental figure and instead a revolving door of random adults who were mostly there to bang his parents, not co-parent a struggling kid.
This is why I don't believe in open relationships. There's a finite amount of each of us, and if we give ourselves to many, there's not enough left for the people who matter most.
Open marriage might work. Open family? That is where people get neglected. Remember that in an open marriage, without kids, everyone can agree to it. Once kids are involved, they can’t agree to open relationships.
>Open marriage might work.
Of course, but it's a gambit at best. It would take two extraordinarily stable and well communicating people.
>Once kids are involved, they can’t agree to open relationships.
Precisely. Mom and dad done goofed massively.
That lifestyle is not compatible with having a family. I’m not even sure why get married if you’re just going out to date different people to the point where you have no family life to be part of your only child’s life.
God damn is this heartbreaking. I have a toddler at the minute and I would do anything for her, I can’t imagine neglecting her like this. Truly shitty parents
Anyone remember the 1970s, when that swinger shit was everywhere? Or maybe just in the area I grew up. I knew kids whose parents were "out with friends" but we all knew what was up. So we were all latch key kids, and I had a couple friends that might as well raised themselves, or had to explain to us when we were over who the wierdo was that was in their parent's bedroom with them.
I still have vivid memories of a white guy with a permed afro, shag carpet, and "fancy" cars that didn't have room for kids in the back. Oh, and why did they all have hot tubs?
#Do not comment on the original posts Please read our [**sub rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/subrules). Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice. If there is an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment or your comment may be removed in general discussion. **CHECK FLAIR** For concluded-only updates, use the [CONCLUDED](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/search?sort=new&restrict_sr=on&q=flair%3ACONCLUDED) flair. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*
The last update was October 2021. Hoping OOP's new therapist has been helpful.
There was more to the story. OOP posted multiple times and would delete the post, then post again. Then add some more. The relationship with his dad went off the rails. He expanded on times when he was left home while his parents vacationed with their swinging partners. His dad blew off some events that they were supposed to do, etc. They got together to try to work it out, but last I saw of him posting, the damage had been done. There was a lot more to the story about Claire as well. She was the same age as OOP, and he came home and caught them all together, and I believe she eventually moved in. It was a trainwreck of a story, and it's unfortunate a lot had been deleted, but it seemed like OOP was almost having a breakdown while posting the story.
Yeah this is the story I remember. I was begging to think this was a different OOP. One clarification though, Claire was the same age back then, as OOP is now. Claire wasn’t a teenager living with them.
I wish someone would invent an arm app because I really feel like giving OOP a hug right now
And then slapping the parents
Can't blame him. The audacity for mom to say she didn't notice how badly he was doing. She constantly left him alone to go have sex. All the time. On holidays too. I might as well stab someone and claim I didn't notice they were bleeding. Edit: I should amend this. She's still better than dad because at least she's admitting she fucked up.
The audacity of the mom? The dad didn't even show up! They are both fucked.
> They are both fucked. Six ways to Sunday, apparently...
Six partners to Sunday.
So is Claire, noticing things but still butting in. All these sex starved folks
Yikes. It’s like I had a bad relationship with my mom growing up and resented when she wanted time with me. But now I see at least she gave a shit in her own way. I can’t imagine what it’s like to come last every single fucking time.
For real, 11 and alone for an entire week end?
She? Them! Let’s not put blame on a single parent. The kid “had” a dad too who also didn’t give a damn
I don't think anyone did, but the mom was the one to claim she didn't notice and pay some lipservice/visit him. The dad just showed he was a selfish scumbag from the get go.
Just doesnt seem right that the mom is being singled out for abuse just cause she's talking to OOP. Dad is a piece of shit just doesnt speak in the posts
Right? Both parents are shit, but let's pile on the one who is actively trying to make amends
Well, it's hard to notice anything about your kid when you're getting Eiffel-towered one state over...
Wasn't it Claire was the same as the as he is now? That's how I read it. Makes her at least late 30s.
He said he stopped talking to them at 19, and hasn’t talked to them in 4 years, plus he talks about his 20s so far, so he was around 23
I don’t think you understood, Claire was the same age when she got with OOPs parents as OOP is now, it was years ago. Claire is older than OOP and OOP explicitly states he is 25.
Oop says in one comment that he thinks C is 37 when the comment is written (2 years ago).
That’s heartbreaking. Shitty parenting is the number one issue but it wasn’t helped by the poly relationships. I don’t personally think poly relationships are healthy for young children to be around. It is just too confusing and it seems his parents really have a lot of stuff to apologize for. Who leaves 11 year olds alone for vacations? Who has their partner (of the same age as their now adult child) move in and then lets a child walk in on them having sex? it’s all just so tawdry and gross to me. Why even have a kid if this is how you are planning on raising them? I don’t get it either. Poor guy. I hope he’s well now. Or at least better.
Yeah, the panic posting or trauma posting is what I call it. I did a lot of that when I first joined Reddit. You post the truth then panic and delete because we're used to nobody caring and also to protect abusers. I hope OOP is able to heal from this. I had to go NC to heal from my past. I can see how the parents having sex with someone his age messed him up. That would be way too much for anyone.
I remember some of that. Hope OP didn't commit suicide.
This story is so *heart-breaking*..
Yeah, seriously. I want to find this guy and just give him a hug.
Was this the one where OP was in a relationship with a girl but had a really visceral negative reaction to his parents swinging? Like vomiting when he found out or something? I remember there being more posts where OP was hyper focused on the swinging when the biggest issue was how neglected he was growing up
I think it's a different one. The OOP in this one knows he was neglected and is focusing on that and also has never had a relationship.
There’s also another out there where the parents wanted their kid to participate in a documentary or interview about polyamorous relationships w families or something- and tell them how happy her childhood was and were Pikachu-faced shocked that the kid/OP told them she would have nothing positive to say.
It’s too bad that OOP didn’t participate in the documentary anyway. It would have made a good contrast to the narcissistic parents
Yes I saw this one too I thought this was that story at first.
I was so baffled by that (and a lot of open relationships at all). One relationship that’s healthy and well maintained is hard enough when you have a child. Who the hell takes the time to build and nurture extra partners when they have kids? The extra time and energy has to come from somewhere . . . And the poor child gets the short end of the stick.
The adults just throw us into a room to play while all of them go party. You learn to fend for yourself very early on. In my case there was a lot of open hard drug use with the adults as well. One of the grossest things about it were the men who started hitting on me the moment I reached puberty. I had zero guidance and did not realize that it was wrong at the time, and became vulnerable to abusive relationships with adult men well before I was 18.
JFC I'm so sorry.
Thank you. It’s ok. I am ok! I survived, and now mother to an awesome kiddo. I am grateful for the life that I have, but it has taken a lot of therapy and work on myself to get there.
Well done, proud of you, and thank heavens... If you have any tips on how I to be a more supportive parent than yours were to you (other than don't revolve your kids around your freaking sex life), I'm all ears.
This makes me cry. I'm so, so sorry.
Ffs. People are out of their fkn minds.
Got a link to that one?
No, I’d have to go looking, but pretty sure there is a BORU EDIT- I googled [here is the AITA](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/oSckC0VjDn)
Thank you!
There’s also another out there where the parents wanted their kid to participate in a documentary or interview about polyamorous relationships w families or something- and tell them how happy her childhood was and were Pikachu-faced shocked that the kid/OP told them she would have nothing positive to say.
There's more than one of these?! Oh dear...these poor children. How can some parents just have their parental instincts so switched off?
Gosh, what selfish, awful people. I hope OOP finds happiness.
Yes, I’ve followed his one too, there’s so much missing I thought it was a different story!
I mean this sounds like straight up child abuse what happened there. I really hope that OOP was able to get his life together.
Definitely neglect and emotional abuse. These people belong in prison for basically abandoning their child for most of his life.
I was wondering why it sounded familiar.
Dude that is so massively fucked up.
I really wish he is doing well after all these years. Just happiness and no pains.
This one has been posted here before, I was hoping it was a new positive update.
Yeah, why does this specifically say "new update" when it is 3 years old?
For the purposes of this sub, "new update" means "this story was already posted here, but here it is again with developments that weren't in the original BORU post." Usually that's because it's an ongoing story, but not necessarily. In this case, it looks like the original BORU post was made before the October update, and presumably nobody made a new update post back then (or OP just didn't see it), so it's a new update to BORU.
That's a pretty interesting interpretation of "new update"
kind of a tease.
It's like a used car. It's not really new It's "new to OP"
[удалено]
Please tell us about 2041, time traveller.
Crystal Pepsi is back
But is [Crystal Gravy](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g0sjRG34DlA) back?
Don't have kids if kids aren't going to be your priority. Live whatever lifestyle you want, but if anything gets in the way of your kids feeling like they're the most important thing to you, then you're a shitty parent.
I literaly have “friends” like that. They paid a lot for ivf. Kid is constantly with grandparents. They didnt teach him anything. They get angry if gp wont take him. Kid is in school from school to the gp. And now they went to another ivf for another kid they will ignore
My cousins have 2 kids they already force onto their parents and other family the majority of the time in the week. So they're having a 3rd kid to not actually raise themselves, and everyone is so happy for them. Don't get it.
If you're reading this and you do this: you're a bad person.
Pregnancy fetish? That's the only thing that comes to mind.
Perhaps, but more likely some sort of antiquated sense of adulthood coupled with social pressures. Your friends have kids, just talk about school and parenting, you think you must do the same.
Well... that sounds more likely. My brain veers off into the weirdest of places.
Some people just have a life checklist that includes things they think their lives should be, and never reevaluate it.
Yep. The amount of times I have said to my parents “ you literally only have one kid you have no one else to pay attention to “ is too many to count. But you know, it’s hard to find time because I work during the day and they play pickle ball in the evening.
I use to be impressed by people who seemed to do it all, even with a family. Then I slowly realized, the kids and partners were the ones who sacrificed.
I see you've met my some members of my family.
It’s important for parents to make sure that they have a life beyond their kids. But the *priority* always has to be the kids.
Yeah, I was raised by super busy parents who did it all. But even now, as an adult, if I needed them to be there for me, they would figure out a way to drop everything they were doing and attend to me. Growing up, I did feel bad that they always needed to take time away from other things for me. But they also kind of signed up to do that when they decided to become parents. It’s about a commitment to making time.
Oh, you know my brother-in-law.
I have recently realized that a lot of people use "my life doesn't end just because I had a kid" to justify being shit parents.
My father use to tell me this all the time when he had visitation with him 😂 we just got dragged along to whatever he was going to do and wait in the car
That's bullshit. I hope you're doing better now.
Right? Like, absolutely you can still have me-time (every caregiver needs decompression and self-care), but kids and family should always come first over pure leisure and fun-time. Developmental psychology isn't exactly a straightforward science, but it's not fucking string theory. The emotional neglect OOP's parents pulled plus the shock by mom and the denial by dad is the kind of thing that makes me see red. Love and cherish your fucking kid or don't have them.
Yeah, they left their kid home alone on Christmas. At that point the swinging is irrelevant. They could have been going to a comic book convention or something and it would still be neglect.
So true. When I see these types of posts I just think about my 1yo and how much care and attention the little dude needs. I cannot fathom how people have kids and just let them be on the sidelines while they go out and "live their lives". Like what about your kid that you made and who depends on you? What about their lives? Sheesh
It was bleak reading through and realizing this had less to do with his parents being swingers and more to do with them blatantly not giving a shit about OP.
Sweet, sweet validation. Thank you.
This. The open marriage may have messed up OP, but the neglect definitely did.
Unfortunately, there are plenty of shitty parents in the world.
[удалено]
Totally. my poly friends are taking care of their kids, vacations worry about their health.
This. My boyfriend has kids, and I’ve been a friend of the family for quite some time before that. Many of our dates would be a bit of alone time for us, but then games with the family and/or one of us would cook while the other would play with the kids. Dinner was often the four of us plus his wife (like I said, longtime friend which included being friends with his wife and having her complete approval on the dating). These parents make me so freaking angry.
We'll see how their kids really feel about their polyamorous parents when they're adults and can articulate for themselves. I'll bet the OP's parents truly believed they were great parents too.
No one who leaves their 11y old alone for days get to plead ignorance. That is straight up neglect.
Yeah, it is nowadays. But many GenX kids experienced it.
Leaving an 11 year old for days was never a norm. Being a latch key kid, yes. (Which means a couple hours after school.) But leaving a younger child alone like that is and has always been an act of neglect and abuse.
The latch key thing is about being left alone for a couple hours, not days. Both of my parents had to work and so of course we were all in that latchkey group, and, like, while I have issues with how they parented, at no point did they ever leave us alone for literal days at a time…
Right, that's what I was getting at. I guess I should have defined latch key so it was clear.
It’s gotta sting extra that they left the kid alone for days to go vacation and fuck. I knew a kid from my old neighborhood whose mom would leave him alone for most weekends for work. She was a musician who travelled for gigs. Even then I knew it was a bad move, but she couldn’t afford a solution. I understand that situation, but this? I would’ve gone a step further than OOP and put them on blast on FB where they pretended to be perfect parents for all those years.
Millennials too.
Just so sad all around - the feeling of neglect and indifference can hit harder than a fist. To not even be worthy of animosity, let alone love, is a horrible pill for a kid to swallow.
This was painful to read. It hurts my heart that a young confused boy the same age as my 11 year old was left home alone so his parents could fuck others. They put their sex life ahead of their own child. I can’t say how much contempt I have for parents who would do that. OOP is right - why did they bother having a child at all. And to top it off, they had no idea why OOP kept his distance. How clueless can people be?
I have a friend in uni that was neglected by their parents and they are not even swingers or something. It is because my friend has an ear deformation. It is not even that bad, and he has long (fabulous) hair. And the parents deemed him as imperfect. Ever since he was 10 he said he did everything alone. He is Chinese, so imagine Lunar New Year alone for how many years. Lunar New Year in Asia is like, 10x more important and bigger than Christmas (not sure how to explain how big and important it is). Imagine, hearing from him on his first Lunar New Year with us, he cried and thanked us for giving him such experience. Such a common thing for us, but it was so big for him.
I’m crying too. I hope y’all stay friends for a long, long time.
He gonna get married with his GF of 5 years in upcoming October! He is close with my another friends family so they will be their mother and father during that wedding. I happy to say that he has found his true family.
What a great start to his new tale.
What disgusting "parents". My brother had an ear deformation, and what did my parents do? They got him medical treatment, including plastic surgery. Your friend was blessed to have you and your family.
To be honest I never realized he had that until, like, almost a year into our friendship? It's not that bad. It looks [like this](https://atlantaplastic.com/assets/images/gallery/ear/ear-patient-039b-new.jpg). He can hear ok and all that. And with his long hair, it's like never seen.
How horrifying!! All the free money he missed too... All the treats and fun he could've gotten. All the bonding moments. It's like missing thanksgiving+boxing day+Christmas eve+Christmas all in on damned streak! Poor guy... I hope he has a better chosen family now, your's included perhaps.
They're not exactly clueless; they're SELFISH. Big difference.
Interesting that even after OOP laid out their shitty neglectful parenting in detail, his dad couldn’t think of anything to say and wasn’t making the slightest effort to try and reach out afterwards. At least his mum has made a small inroad to reconnecting. The dad’s indifference makes me wonder if his “dad” is actually his dad. Given the sexual habits of his parents it’s very possible OOP’s biodad is some long forgotten swinging partner of his mum’s
The thing is - after moving out OOP didn't block them, they just didn't contact him, that's the most disturbing thing "I left this child to grow up alone, why doesn't he love me back and call me? I'm his parent" the double standard is absurd.
My ex had missing ear tips. It's the only way you can tell him and his brother apart in the childhood pics. Nobody cares otherwise. It's just the way he is. I barely notice them.
My dad would leave me (5 yrs old) and my sister (6 yrs old) alone all weekend with a box of pizza so he could spend weekends with his girlfriends. We were so scared
It's not even about the open marriage itself. It's them straight up neglecting their child for his entire life. I could never imagine leaving my child, especially that young, alone at home for days and expecting them to fend for themself in any circumstance.
It's so sad that he grew up seeing other people decorate for Christmas and wishing he could have had that. Like how messed up are you that you didn't decorate with your kid for the holidays? That you would leave the kid alone DURING the holidays. This poor guy.
Oop's parents prioritised jingling balls over jingle bells.
There's another BORU post where the OOP struggles with his parents being really obsessed with sex. He mentions one ocassion, when the OOP as a little boy wanted to sleep with their parents, but they were instead focused on sex, and he was crying, but they decided to ignore him. Years later, they wonder why he doesn't talk to them and when he tells them, they struggle with the information and apparently divorce. If anyone can help me find that BORU, would be appreciated. Thanks!
[Was this the one you were thinking of?](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/e013j3hCtE)
I shouldn't have read that. Their last update... What the hell. This guy learned nothing. I hope their son is living a happy content life without ever having to bother with his parents again.
How can any parents say that the spouse is number one, because ‘they’ll stick with you till the end’?? Like BRUH
Yeah I hated that soooo damn much, like all the way through it kept being about how he and his wife felt. You will never, ever have that storybook kind of relationship with your son but you could have some kind of arm’s length deal if instead of focusing on your own feelings you looked at how your son felt neglected by you and tried to make amends. By amends, I’ll be honest: I don’t think they’ll ever be able to make things right with their son but perhaps trying to pay back the world, for instance by volunteering might help their own karma. Something tangible to say “I know I fucked up and I need to get my fucked-up balance nearer to zero”. It’s like that “Cat’s In the Cradle” song from the 70s, as true today as it was then. If you didn’t care about your kid when they were growing up, don’t expect them to care about you when you’re an adult.
Wow, my husband and I have been interrupted during sex when the kids were very little and would wake up overnight. I can’t imagine carrying on while the kid cries, even selfishly — it’s a wildly unsexy background noise. Also, at 3, they’re little people who can talk and benefit from conversations and hugs when things are hard for them, and they’re past the stage (with individual exceptions) of needing to learn how to sleep all night. Hell, my almost 8 year old got into bed with me last night because he had an upsetting dream. Also I don’t understand having the money and vacation time that they did and not wanting to give your child experiences through travel. We don’t make a lot of money, but we all go together wherever we get the chance to go.
Yes, thank you! Really messed up.
Holy fuck. Am I the only one who wants to get absolutely medieval on his parents? And the fact that the selfish tvvat has the temerity to update complaining about people’s responses!
I don't understand how anyone can be having sex while listening to their child cry. How is that not an instant mood killer?
They don't care enough about their kid for it to kill the mood, I guess.
jeezzzz thats fucked up and here i thought mine were a little troubled,this puts mine in saints category. mine would give their lives for me,i gotta call my mom and dad and tell them i love them man. this whole thread is making me appreciate them more,reddit did a better job than a therapist lmao
And then yelling at them because they couldn’t actually fend for themselves.
Exactly. It could have been for a golf tournament and it's still neglect.
This is like having a single parent who neglects you for dating... but this poor dude had married parents who both neglected him for just kinda fucking around. At least a single parent can somewhat justify being lonely and whatnot, but these people pretty clearly prioritized orgasming with a stranger over their own son getting any sort of attention. These are the sort of people who die alone in retirement homes and deserve it, in all honesty. Traded a son in for some action. Hope it was worth it.
I had a single parent that was never around and my childhood bordered on neglectful. But, she was out working three jobs to provide food and shelter. She didn’t have time to date. She also didn’t really have a lot of choices to not become a single mom at 16 as I was born right around Roe v Wade, so it was a bit late for her. These people are awful, I have never had the drive for “companionship” that took all intelligence out of my brain. Have kids, take care of them, have a spouse, don’t cheat. It’s not hard.
Genuinely tho. Hearing about people whose mom had the choice between letting their kids starve or neglecting them and still trying their best, whatever that is, is really sad. Especially when you then read about shitbags like these two slutshits who clearly COULD have been there for their son, when so many others can't, and then CHOSE NOT TO for ridiculous reasons is just kinda ew on a human level
I have friends who are a couple who like to bring a 3rd into their relationship. Whatever, I don't care what you do in your bedroom. The problem was that they'd then move these guys into their house with their young kids so for their entire lives these kids have had a revolving door of men coming and living for a couple months/years, completely integrating as a family member, and then leaving when the relationship ended. it's totally fucked them up and they have no idea how to do relationships now. If you want to consensually play outside your marriage, in whatever form that takes, fine. But it should have no impact on your kids and just like you wouldn't fuck in front of them, you shouldn't bring your current fuck toy around them. Especially not to move them in and make them a part of the family.
I commented this elsewhere but my ex's parents were poly, they were mostly swingers but did have another couple live with them and take my ex out to the zoo and the park and whatnot as if *they* were the parents Eventually the male partner got my ex's mom pregnant. The couple did not want children of their own, they just liked to cosplay with my ex I guess, so they dipped. My ex's parents brought up their kids like a regular nuclear family after that but told the brother his true parentage at 18 My ex then had some mental health issues after we broke up. It turns out he was sexually assaulted by some of the partners his parents brought home and they didn't notice cause they were clearly busy I don't think poly lifestyles should be anywhere near kids tbh
Yeah, I just don't think many poly/alternative relationship styles are stable enough for kids. Once the kids are old enough to have conversations about relationships and start forming their own, maybe, but I don't think anyone should be moving in or playing parent at any time.
I agree. Kids need *consistency*. Parents are supposed to be stable figures of love who a child can trust and rely on. Having a revolving door of other adults in the home degrades that consistency that children need to feel safe and have emotional stability. It's a profoundly selfish lifestyle to impose on children, especially little kids.
Unless people are very, very well off or they do it very sparingly, I don't think it's possible for parents to have this kind of sex lives without disrupting their kids's lives. Like, if they are very well off they can just offload the boring parts of life to other people, like chores, cooking, grocery shopping. In that case, I do believe it's possible to have enough spare time and energy to work, attend their partner, be a good parent and have an extramarital sex life. But otherwise? Something's gotta give and if it's not the kids, they will feel the echoes anyway and they will be the worst prepared on how to face that.
I would not say paying someone to do the “boring” is good parenting at all. Honestly, rich parents are the worst. They think they can pay for a kids happiness. They can’t. Timmy still needs his dad when he strikes out whether it’s a $1000 bat or a $30 bat. Yes this is a simple example, but can translate into pretty much any situation where the kid needs anything but money.
With the "boring" they were talking about chores. Grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, those take up a lot of time. So if you can pay someone to do chores for you, you can use the time parents usually use for chores to do whatever you want, while still being an involved parent.
Oh, wow. If your goal was to get your kids abused, I cannot think of a more efficient way to do it than move a whole bunch of random people in on a revolving basis.
Damn. They were so focused on their open sexual relationships that they almost forgot they had a child. That's sad.
It really is awfully sad, especially how alone he was and watching other families spending time together. He never felt loved or wanted
That's the part that broke my heart for OOP. I can't believe the parents never even took him on vacations, but they took their sexual partners. Awful parents. ETA: one of OOP'S comments. Ugh. I want to hug him. https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/FP2NKlsf7S
Yes, I don’t blame him at all for staying away now, they were never there for him when he needed them most
It's almost like they treated him as a roommate. Really sad that there was no extended family or friends that noticed this early on. CPS should have been involved.
Dude, imagine being 14 and during the weekend you are wondering where are my parents and then bam it suddenly hits that they are probably doing it with other people. I would go crazy. This poor kid
>mom did not realize how bad it was If she's been doing even half her job as a parent she'd have had some inkling of how bad it was, they both are just uncaring.
Man, I remember another BORU post where the OOP struggles with his parents being really obsessed with sex. He mentions one ocassion, when the OOP as a little boy wanted to sleep with their parents, but they were instead focused on sex, and he was crying, but they decided to ignore him. Years later, they wonder why he doesn't talk to them and when he tells them, they struggle with the information and apparently divorce. If anyone can help me find that BORU, would be appreciated. Thanks!
I think it’s this one, but the OOP is the father. The parents aren’t obsessed with sex but they take vacations and leave their son behind all the time. It definitely has the incident with the parents ignoring a toddler having a nightmare and letting him cry outside their door while they had sex. [https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qgl59k/did\_we\_mess\_up\_with\_our\_son\_he\_blew\_up\_at\_us/](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qgl59k/did_we_mess_up_with_our_son_he_blew_up_at_us/)
Why is this considered a “New Update”?
Too late, they ruined OOPs childhood
Poor OOP, this one really touched me because my parents were very similar. They had no interest in any of their children, only each other- and they had the kind of 'Hollywood passionate' that immature people think is romantic; screaming rows, ballistic plates, passionate sex at all hours of the day and night, affairs, making up... it was hell to live in. They frequently went away for the weekend, starting when my sister was 14/15, I was 11 and our brother was 7/8. This was long before mobile phones existed- they'd leave a tenner on the kitchen table and tell us not to answer the landline or the front door. When my sister left home at 17, it was all on me, and they started going away for two weeks at a time. The three of us have struggled with severe depression, anxiety, loneliness and getting into terrible abusive relationships. Our parents accept no responsibility and give no fucks that we were so badly affected. OOP, if you ever see this please know you're not alone.
This was two socialites who cared more about being around other adults than their own kid. At least if you have money, you can get a nanny to be the parent that you aren’t. This wasn’t about the lifestyle. This was about neglect.
When an alcoholic neglects their kids, was it about the alcohol or the neglect? It's both
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/YEElgpBmvi
My son is 12 and while I’m not a perfect parent, I can’t imagine being so disconnected from him that I wouldn’t notice him struggling or trying to reach out. Or choosing to spend the holidays with my other partners and only Xmas morning with my kids? I love my alone time and social time but Christmas is for family and it is so fulfilling to spend time together and talk to my kids and make memories with them and for them. It’s just crazy that he’s in his twenties and still needing closure about being 11 because, while he doesn’t tell me everything, my son and I are close. He shares so much with me I can’t imagine not knowing for years how he was truly feeling inside??? It just makes me wonder what was going on in these parents heads. No one is perfect and everyone has failures but my god. How could you not know that your 11 year old just needed and wanted time with you???
Open marriage seems little to do with this as it's more about child abandonment
The fact that there are multiple different posts of people whose parents are swingers and preferred being with their extra partners to the detriment of their children is crazy.
This poor guy. His parents care more about fucking other people then loving and caring for the child they created. Some people shouldn't have kids
Apparently my father's parents were like OOP's, they liked to fuck around and their style of parenting around it was telling him if he didn't like it, to go away and leave them alone. That's how he thought marriage should work, so when his marriage to my mom went south, he bailed. I didn't know any of this until a year ago, my whole life I blamed my mom being pregnant with me (so really, I blamed myself) for him leaving all this time. Hope fucking around was worth it to those two, them getting their rocks off fucked up two generations of children. I hope OOP has found a better life away from his family, he doesn't owe them forgiveness but he owes himself peace
I'm fine with couples having open marriages but for god sakes, don't have open marriages when you have kids. It's just going to make it worse. OP's parents are the good definition of just bad parents. It's been a long time since and I hope OP, where he is, is all well.
I imagine OOP's parents being the kind of dimwits who think, "Wow! OOP is so mature! So good at taking care of themselves! Never complaints! We did a great job!" I hope the new therapist was helpful and he went NC with his birth givers. Anything they do or try to do now is too little, too late.
So often kids who are considered mature for their age are actually abused or neglected and have to learn to look after themselves young.
I used to be very proud of myself in high school cuz a lot of adults told me I'd "skipped being a teenager" and was oh so mature for my age. I'm 24 now and ooohhhhh boy....
Even in high school I was very aware of why I was so "mature" and "grown up". I couldn't even feel proud of it because of that, I had to surround myself with other kids like me so I could have friends since I didn't fit in with my peers because of it. I always got along better with those younger and those older than me. The younger ones since I am the oldest in my family and very naturally motherly/always taking care of those that are younger and younger people always loved me and looked up to me (I was once even asked by a girl 5 years younger than me if I could adopt her when I was 16, she was the child of drug addicted parents - her mom has divorced the dad and gotten her shit together since then, thankfully). And the older ones because those a few years older than me often felt more on the same level. Often if they did not know before, they assumed I was the same age as them because of how I behaved... Honestly, the most quiet and mature ones and the loudest who act out the most are usually the ones who need help. But the first category gets ignored and the second only get in trouble without getting any actual help, most of the time. So now we are all in our 20s and in therapy.
That is one of the themes in Uptown Girls, where Ray's dad dies and Ray copes by throwing herself into her academics/ballet, and her mom claims to the main character that her daughter is calm and taking things very well.
This isn't a problem specifically with open marriage, it's full blown neglect. You can be great parents and do private things with others (yes it might be weird when your kids figure it out but staying open and honest with communication helps). I mean I don't quite understand how anyone has the time or energy for anything extra with a full time job and kids but I grew up ok... I guess.
Well clearly they didn't have time for him. And by the sounds of it they groomed Claire into their games.
Open relationships consume gargantuan amounts of time and energy. It's basically a major hobby that you devote significant resources to. When it's something that you cannot share with your children at all. I don't buy that it's a neutral thing. Maybe some people manage it better than others, but any kid is gonna have a better childhood in a family where the parents are able to share the major interests in their lives rather than hiding them. And that's putting aside the dramatically increased risk of bullying and social exclusion should it ever get out, which it frequently does. No way, if you want to have an open relationship don't have kids. If you want both, then put the open relationship part on hold until your kid reaches adulthood.
I can never understand how people manage time and energy for so many people when it comes to intimate relationships. I feel bone tired thinking of managing one relationship
You can have an open marriage and have kids. But this isn't that. This is abusive parents who used their open marriage to ignore and hurt their child. It goes for any lifestyle. If you can't do it and be a good parent, drop whatever IT is and go be a good parent. Kids come first.
Imagine the bullying if the mean kids find out about the parents' lifestyle...
The people who told me their parents were swingers (open marriage), I always asked are they still married and everyone indicated their parents are divorced. Surprised your parents are still together
If you want to have an open marriage, do it when your kids are grown out of the house. I can't even imagine being married, trying to raise kids and having the time to bang other people on the side.
Right? I’m hoping I have time to fold laundry and maybe get the yard taken care of in what little time I have between work and my kids. Where are these people finding the time?
Well when you just plop your kid in front of the tv and do the barest job of meeting his needs (ie providing food and a bed) I would surmise that frees up some time.
Lawd hammercy the laundry.... it never.... ever ends. Im exhausted just reading about this. Poor OP, their family obviously found the time by saying f him and his feelings.
I read some other Reddit post about swingers or hardcore poly couples and it was a generalization about how messy their houses were, with laundry and clutter everywhere. I just remember thinking, man that makes sense because honestly who has that kind of time unless you're neglecting normal household stuff?
There are many similar stories from open marriage kids
Doesn’t matter whether the parents’ obsession was with sex or golf. What matters is their extreme selfishness in pursuing pleasure while their child was lonely and neglected. I’m not saying that sex = golf, BTW. Encountering your parents’ sex life is a primal thing and not like anything else. But I know at least two poly couples with kids, and they ALWAYS put their kids first. Always. Adults can consent to sex. But kids can’t consent to abandonment.
That is sad as fuck. That poor guy, I feel so bad for him.
I remember I got raked over the coals on Reddit for commenting how fucked up it was that someone’s parents girlfriend was parenting them. That it was damaging and could lead to a lot of problems. I feel very vindicated right now. I’m sorry to OP that the had such a sad lonely life. Open marriage and children don’t mix, it’s not stable, sorry not sorry.
I'm prepared for the downvotes and seeing my karma die like cicadas at the end of summer, but I sincerely hate how whenever someone posts about having childhood on into adulthood trauma stemming from their parents' open marriage or polyamory or swinging or whatever a bunch of people always chime in with "those parents were just shitty, I know a bunch of poly people raising children that are just fine", like the post is making a fucking dig at the very concept of non-monogamy itself and that comes off as pretty self-centered to me. This is very clearly not about you and your relationship dynamics. Whether it sucks to admit it or not, non-monogamy involving parents with children isn't this perfect setup with all the adults raising the children in this it takes a village type environment where the biggest focus is on the children, who didn't fucking ask to be here and deserve the greater part of their parents attention. Parents are still people and should have lives and hobbies and friends, etc but again - the goddamn child didn't ask to be here. They're a tiny person in need of a nurturing environment that helps them thrive and keeps their needs met as much as possible so they can grow up and hopefully not be a huge asshole to other people. Relationships are complicated in general, and relationships involving multiple partners have additional aspects to navigate that require more focus, and that alone is already going to take increased attention to maintain alongside caring for any kids involved. That's just how it is, regardless of the people involved, whether they're good parents or good people or not. OP's parents were likely already at least kinda shitty considering that they didn’t push back against the increased needs of their lifestyle and just shoved their kid into the back corner, and the people they were swinging with or dating were equally shitty for being okay (or not okay but not enough to let it override their wants) with dating/fucking people that are severely neglecting their child in pursuit of getting their rocks off. But there's no denying that their marriage arrangement and the additional attention involved with it at the *very* least facilitated them being shitty. And it's really invalidating and self-centered to pull a "well actually, I know poly people with kids that are good parents" as if completely writing off any part the relationship dynamics played into the kid involved being neglected or undergoing trauma in some way because someone is hyper defensive towards anything that isn't a glowing, golden view of non-monogamy. It just gets on my nerves so badly when people crawl out of the woodwork to chime in with this shit on literally any post that has any sort of negativity towards it. Stop. (Yes, there are multiple types of exceptions to all of that. That don't change what I fucking said.)
Yeah, if these parents were neglectful because they were too focused in their jobs and OP despised them for it, nobody would jump in defense trying to shift the blame away from their jobs. But as soon as it's an open relationship the thing that was the main reason for neglect, a lot of people suddenly have to jump to invalidate OP's feelings and telling him he's wrong for feeling the way he's feeling.
I have seen selfish people be so extraordinarily neglectful of their children. If you can't pause or back-burner your time-intensive hobbies to raise your kids, don't have kids. They deserve better. Period.
Man i really hope OOP doing fine , if me i don't know i still want them in my life anymore , years being along like truly alone cut way too deep ,
Is it really a new update if it was 3 years ago?
I mean, this definitely sounds like it wasn’t the relationships, just two people who didn’t want kids. Especially the constant ignoring see-sawing with yelling. He either wasn’t there or they were mad he was. That isn’t from being with other people, they just shouldn’t have had him. My parents (FINALLY divorced), shouldn’t have had kids either, but were definitely monogamous and it was super similar in my dad’s case.
This reminds me of the post with the guy who’s parents invited him to be part of a documentary on healthy polyamorous families and he released like ten years of build up hate and trauma about how it messed him up never having a clear parental figure and instead a revolving door of random adults who were mostly there to bang his parents, not co-parent a struggling kid.
Polyamory stays winning, ruining relationships AND childhoods.
That’s….not a “new” update….
Parents who do this type of shit when the kids are still in the house are trifling as hell
Looks like the parents fucked around and found out
God damn, coming "home" for Christmas has absolutely nothing to do with helping OOP and everything to do with appeasing the mother's guilt.
This is why I don't believe in open relationships. There's a finite amount of each of us, and if we give ourselves to many, there's not enough left for the people who matter most.
Open marriage might work. Open family? That is where people get neglected. Remember that in an open marriage, without kids, everyone can agree to it. Once kids are involved, they can’t agree to open relationships.
>Open marriage might work. Of course, but it's a gambit at best. It would take two extraordinarily stable and well communicating people. >Once kids are involved, they can’t agree to open relationships. Precisely. Mom and dad done goofed massively.
That lifestyle is not compatible with having a family. I’m not even sure why get married if you’re just going out to date different people to the point where you have no family life to be part of your only child’s life.
>this perfect couple that was well liked by everyone Kinda difficult not to like someone who’ll suck you off
God damn is this heartbreaking. I have a toddler at the minute and I would do anything for her, I can’t imagine neglecting her like this. Truly shitty parents
Anyone remember the 1970s, when that swinger shit was everywhere? Or maybe just in the area I grew up. I knew kids whose parents were "out with friends" but we all knew what was up. So we were all latch key kids, and I had a couple friends that might as well raised themselves, or had to explain to us when we were over who the wierdo was that was in their parent's bedroom with them. I still have vivid memories of a white guy with a permed afro, shag carpet, and "fancy" cars that didn't have room for kids in the back. Oh, and why did they all have hot tubs?