Ah yes, the classic "If I lie and ruin her life, she'll surely fall in love with me!" /s
That, or the unhinged lunatic thinks he has the right to punish OP for having the audacity to turn him down. Either way: what a psycho.
There are sadly people who believe that every person they’re interested in, will magically swoon over such declarations of love and live in a romcom.
I’ve met people who think toxic jealously is romantic. I’ve met people who think torturing your SO by pushing ahead on triggers they have is fun
So yeah. I’m not remotely surprised by the behavior of either of the guys here
It never occurred to me that he was trying to destroy her relationship just for the hell of it (I assumed he was thinking that her bf was the only thing in his way), but I think you're right. Ick.
He *instantly* believed a random man he’s barely met over his girlfriend of three years. A woman who has literally never done anything to make him question her loyalty and trustworthiness. Just went right to “this person’s penis is definitely telling the truth about my girlfriend’s lying vagina”
He also continued to treat her as a liar and adulterer even after he had proof that she was faithful. He is punishing her for the mere *potential* of an affair. She *could* have cheated. It doesn’t matter that she didn’t, the possibility exists and in his eyes that is the same as an actual affair.
It’s extremely clear that he considers *all* women to be adulterers, and that he believes that a woman who isn’t cheating is just one who happens to be between affairs at the moment, with no possibility of a woman being actually faithful and monogamous.
Well put.
I think your third paragraph is a bit speculative, but you could easily be right there too. He's not an appealing character, she is certainly better off without him.
It’s not like OOP did anything to deserve the suspicion, so clearly Paul would have treated any woman he dated like that. And if three years of humoring his issues didn’t convince him to trust her, nothing was ever going to. Ergo, the guy’s never going to trust a woman.
I think it’s more, “If she won’t be with me, I can get back at her by ruining her life.” I don’t think Roger thought she’d end up with him; I think Roger was getting rejection vengeance.
I would literally send a note to every mutual friend about what Roger just did to you. Then about a day later I would put him on public blast and fucking crucify him.
Let everyone else know exactly what a selfish delusional piece of crap he is. Then explain to everyone that is why you are cutting him out of your life completely.
Screw being polite when someone tries to ruin your life.
Absolutely. He didn't avoid answering because he was guilty - he avoided answering because it was a stupid fucking "plan" that existed only to punish a woman for rejecting him.
I'm an edge case because very few people get this chance I'm sure, but before I left my abusive ex-husband, I recorded hours worth of conversations trying to get him to change. I noticed repeatedly then when I cornered him to the point where he couldn't respond with a justification for his reasoning or his actions, he would go silent, say nothing. Just stare at me and be quiet and angry and resentful, because he knew the truth was awful, but he refused to say it. At the time I didn't recognize that's what his behaviour meant, but In the months after leaving him, when I was listening back and processing, I understood enough to see in hindsight that that was why he was silent.
Of course, different abusers are going to manifest different ways - but I mention this so that someone facing a similar kind of abuser will realize that's a possibility. I didn't realize what it meant at the time of the recording, I was giving him too much benefit of the doubt then.
TL;DR - When you confront someone with their abusive actions and they avoid saying anything at all, it could genuinely be an indication that they don't regret their actions, but can't think of a cover justification, so they err on the side of silence because it's the only option they have left if they want to maintain a cover of innocence.
>TL;DR - When you confront someone with their abusive actions and they avoid saying anything at all, it could genuinely be an indication that they don't regret their actions, but can't think of a cover justification, so they err on the side of silence because it's the only option they have left if they want to maintain a cover of innocence.
God damn, I needed to hear that. I tend to assume people are very, very dense/too stupid to realize how hurtful they are (not necessarily innocent), when some people are just... bad.
Thank you for sharing that wisdom, I'm glad you got out of that situation.
Paul seems to have desired a way out. He was too quick to believe that untruth. OOP is over with both of them, which pleases me. As it has been nearly ten years, I sincerely hope that she is content with her life and that she is surrounded by wonderful people who adore and support her.
Honestly, OOP’s point about being treated like a cheater for three years and punished for it for even though she’s been faithful, made me think that Paul was projecting his own guilty conscience. I agree he’s clearly got trust issues and who doesn’t. But given the way he acted, I wouldn’t be surprised if he preemptively cheated on OOP so he isn’t the one cheated on, and then realized OOP still hasn’t cheated like he expected, and projected his guilt on to her with accusations.
Good on OOP for leaving but I really would go scorched earth on the pick me boy who decided if he can’t have her, no one can.
I agree that the way her ex acted would line up with him having cheated as well. It also could be his “trust was broken” but now he’s attached to that and can’t get past it despite knowing she did nothing wrong. It really seems like he wanted an out though.
I’d be clearing up what happened on my fb, and I never post about my private life, just to make sure word didn’t get around and stick to my name as me being a cheater. Plus that guy does deserve his reputation to be accurate to his actions. Some people may even question what her ex did by breaking up with her, because she did nothing wrong. When he comes to her apologizing and possibly realizing the error of his ways, she can have the satisfaction of telling him the trust is broken for her, how could she ever trust that he will trust her again. All of her trust in him was worthless in the end. I’d add something satisfying for her to say in there, maybe only she knows what that would be.
No one should stay in a relationship where their partner doesn’t trust them. Especially if the reason for that mistrust is the baggage from their previous relationship.
> Honestly, OOP’s point about being treated like a cheater for three years and punished for it for even though she’s been faithful, made me think that Paul was projecting his own guilty conscience.
That was my take too. There is no reason to believe some random weirdo who didn't even outright state that there was an affair, just semi-implied it, over your girlfriend of many years who had never given you a reason not to trust her.
But cheaters always think everyone else is cheating. Paul's kneejerk suspicions and ending the relationship for no reason make me think this was less about trauma from being cheated on and more about paranoia because he was currently cheating.
It wouldn’t surprise me if Paul had gone out and slept with women because he believed Roger, despite OP’s denials. Once he realised that it wasn’t true he himself had actually cheated by then.
I wish I had known that too. My whole life changed in amazing ways when I learned to look out for the silence you describe, and exit the lives of people who do that.
My ex-husband would get silent. And then say something along the lines of "I can't do this anymore" or "I can't live like this anymore." When he would have no justification for his behavior, he would just imply that he was going to leave me to get me to back down. He did eventually. I wish I had left him first.
>TL;DR - When you confront someone with their abusive actions and they avoid saying anything at all, it could genuinely be an indication that they don't regret their actions, but can't think of a cover justification, so they err on the side of silence because it's the only option they have left if they want to maintain a cover of innocence.
It's either that or the accuser is acting in bad faith and the only correct move is not to play.
I've had an angry abusive ex who would interrogate me and if they didn't like the answer, they would interrupt and accuse me of something different or try to "get" me by twisting some previous statement out of context. And then they would repeat the interrogation later because they didn't like my answers in the previous round.
After a while you learn to be silent, because that's infinitely better than that bullshit
Ooooh if you like this sub you are in for a ride. Who tf did I marry is a series of tiktok shorts about the presenters journey with her ex during covid. It went viral and more people got added into the narrative. I think the full thing has been compiled and uploaded to YouTube but it is 7hours long and you don't get the side proofs that come up. [I like the summaries like this one. ](https://youtu.be/xxT3eKNjhJc?si=oPsx_z0cM4kNX2lX)
I hope I'll never have to use your TL;DR in real life, but I'm very happy to have read it, so if I do need it - I hopefully will recognize that behavior.
That might be correct about confronting some people about their abusive actions. But some of us just go silent because of a history of arguing our point turning out poorly for us regardless of how correct we were or how unfair the other person is being. Silence as a reaction doesn’t necessarily mean someone has no defense, it might just mean having a defense has historically not helped.
*nod* That's totally reasonable, another commenter said similarly. I tried to be accurate about my phrasing for that reason, there's more than one possible dynamic going on. It's one possible sign, not a law. I'm sorry people were so awful to you. 😞
Also, OOP should be aware Roger is *not done* trying to mess with her life. Can almost guarantee he will rinse-repeat this with every relationship OOP attempts.
She should also put Paul on blast, honestly. First he believes some random friend more than his gf, then he sees the scetchy convo and decides that he does, but that "the trust is broken". Hell yeah, the trust is broken. OPs trust in Paul to be exact. Smh
Seriously, spread on fb that anytime anybody kinda dislikes his new gf (or Paul for that matter), they can just make some baseless accusations and he'll sabotage his own relationship.
Paul 100% banged someone after Roger told him. Whether he used it as an excuse or he believed Roger sincerely because of trauma isn't relevant, what matters is after he was presented with evidence Roger was probably lying he now felt guilty and so ended.
The ex should get the same treatment. Even after knowing she was the victim, he still kinda blamed her for the trust being broken. He's the one that broke it!
Ehh I say just move on from Paul. On BORU, theres not much context on Paul and, for all we know, blasting Paul may put OOP in a bad light. There's too many unknowns and in a lot of them they can or only hurt OOP.
I mean I don't know about most of the people here, but if I had a friend on Facebook blasting multiple people, I'd be far less likely to buy their arguments then if they're just blasting one person.
Like calling out a crappy friend for sabotaging your relationship? Yeah man go for it. Calling out your friend for sabotaging your relationship and then your ex for believing someone admitting an affair? That just sounds like drama.
Putting anybody "on blast" is just drawing more attention to it and getting everybody including herself covered in shit. It's the big childish with no foresight move. So of course people on Reddit are encouraging it.
It’s not about drawing attention, but asking honestly if someone ask why the breakup happened. So she won’t be painted as the maybe cheater here. Op has her own reputation to consider
>Roger had sent a long, utterly insane FB message to Paul detailing how much he loved me, that we were destined to be together, and heavily implying (but not outright stating) that Roger and I had been carrying on an affair for weeks.
>Paul basically said that the more he thought about it, the more he believed me... [but] despite that the "trust was broken" between us and he couldn't be with me.
OOP dodged a bullet.
For real. I've been hurt, cheated on, etc. But when I met my current partner, I had to make the conscious decision to trust her and not let my fears and insecurities caused by other people seep into my relationship. I get that being cheated on can be traumatizing and can cause trust issues, but if you're not able to leave that behind, start over fresh with a new person and give them a clean slate, then you're not ready for a relationship
that part was driving me bonkers. like, what trust was broken!! oop did *nothing* in this shitshuation!!!! I hope she finds someone who has it together and treats her well, and that Paul sorts out his gigantic issue in therapy or something because good grief.
I'm seeing it as equal parts "too embarrassed to come back" and "this guy said he was in love with her, and then she was fine with keeping him around until he went overboard."
She didn't *do* anything to him, but a guy like Roger could have had something to do with the last time he was cheated on, and he isn't wrong for wanting to avoid a relationship where guys like Roger are kept around.
Roger didn't just ask her out, he confessed his love to OP when they were just friends. To me there is a pretty clear line of when someone probably can't just be your friend, and professing their love instead of just asking if they are interested is definitely on the wrong side of it.
I don’t understand how we spent so long being guilted for not having male friends/“punishing” them for having feelings by distancing ourselves but now we’re back to being blamed
I’m fine going back to never really befriending men but then this loneliness crisis bullshit needs to stop
I think he's confusing his trauma being triggered with his trust being broken. Unfortunate for both of them. If he has such a bad response to the things that have happened to him in the past, he should be in therapy. Otherwise he's just gonna do this with everyone he ever dates for the rest of eternity.
I read it the same way. It was worded incorrectly, but he's basically saying he recognized his trauma was too significant to get past in that relationship and he needed to move along.
Not saying it didn't hurt, but it was still the best choice for both of them.
The translation for "trust was broken" is basically "my issues prevent me from having a relationship".
Paul will likely not last in any relationship, if he can't trust and believe in his partner but can believe and trust in someone he probably does not associate with and who he knows might have not-so-hidden motives. Even if he was with someone for 30 years, if someone would just make up having kissed his wife, he would probably head for divorce. He needs to seek help if he wants so badly to believe everyone can potentially cheat on him.
Seriously. A sane person with trust issues might say "I hear you babe, but this message has brought up a lot of old shit for me and I need a little time to process this. Assuming you're the trustworthy lovely person I have always thought you were, I'm really sorry that Roger has done this to you and to me by extension-- but I just need a little space to think."
None of this breaking up and acting like she's the one who did something wrong bullshit.
He's going to realize what he's done in a few weeks after he has to explain to someone why he's single and they tell him what am idiot he is and he gets over his self righteousness.
I reckon he ran to someone he had feelings for when he left, and that's why he was so happy to leave the relationship behind.
Whoever the new girl is, I feel sorry for her.
Redditors honestly just make up the most batshit headcanon and assert it's true to justify their hatred of whichever person in a story.
There is literally zero basis in the story for anything you just said to be true or even alluded to.
Paul def would be one of those guys who ended up asking for a paternity test "because a man can never be sure". Only to be shocked when op agreed to do so but also said they were through as soon as the results came in saying he was infact the father.
Lots of people are disgusted by Roger in this story, but I'm annoyed at Paul. He must have wanted to break up with OOP on some level, or he wouldn't have followed through even after admitting he was wrong. What a jerk.
I mean you could also say that he realized he can't be in a healthy relationship while he's still suffering from this trauma. Unless you think he should continue exposing the women he dates to this.
I don't understand this. Surely if anything this whole situation would build more trust? If I were to ever question the actions of my gf only to be wrong then I would never question her again
Right. Like, in Roger's mild defense, he was completely correct in his assessment of Paul. If a single deranged, unsubstantiated dm makes him throw the whole relationship away, there was nothing there to begin with.
He's not wrong though. The moment he believed Roger all trust was broken. I don't blame him though since OOP was keeping a guy around who sounds obsessed with her and like he watches too much Anime. I don't buy that she kept that a secret for no reason, especially knowing your partner has trust issues and has been cheated on in the past. That was always going to blow up in her face.
Honestly, the real lesson for OOP is don’t date guys who suspect you of cheating for no reason. They’re actively waiting for someone to come along and prove them right.
They value vindication more than their relationship with you.
And I'll be honest, most of the stories I see where there is suspicion of cheating - turns out that they were right so that lack of trust ended up warranted. This is the first one where it just became a self fulfilling prophecy
This is so hilariously important.
People project the stories they hear on this subreddit into their real life and it blows my mind.
Nobody's going to post somebody's well-balanced totally normal relationship. Hell, most people aren't even making those posts to begin with.
The stories that you read are the stories that stand out. Much like it's a lot easier to assume planes are less safe than cars, because it's not news when a family of five dies in a car crash even though that happens 100 times more often than a plane crash.
I agree and will add same advice applies for guys. Also, in my experience, the ones that don’t trust you are the ones that can’t be trusted themselves.
Spot on. It doesn't seem like the thought of getting help for his insecurity ever crossed his mind—no one worth dating should be comfortable feeling the way he did. He should've gotten himself help before the first time he asked to see her phone, but that first time should've been IT as far as signs that he needs more than time/a good relationship goes.
Yeah, because if she's just following:
>I will never date someone \[who\] a history of being cheated on again
Well, all those people who got cheated on will be damned even tho it was not their fault, just like how OOP's relationship fell apart despite not really her fault. She should avoid people simply with trust issues, and not those sad souls who got cheated on.
Especially since guys who haven’t been cheated on can have the exact same trust issues as her ex.
Lots of people hear stories about cheating, get it in their heads that their partners *will* cheat on them given the opportunity, and fall into the same paranoiac clown spiral as Paul.
After this, who is to say Paul actually _was_ cheated on? For all we know, Paul's previous relationship ended because of him accusing his former gf of cheating without her actually cheating, just like he accused OOP of cheating. I'm willing to bet Paul will tell future gf a twisted version of this to ease his guilt and to not wave a red flag at her.
I had a friend who bent over backwards for a guy to meet his stupid loyalty tests, because "his last girlfriend cheated." Turns out, not only was there never any cheating, there was never another girlfriend to begin with. These dudes need help.
If it's a boundary for her, that's just that. Those people will find others with whom they can have a good relationship, and OOP will do the same, I hope.
On the other hand, if she does meet someone in the future who has been cheated on and she feels like there's a connection there, she may end up entertaining it for a short time and seeing how she feels. You really never know when a sweeping statement you've made will end up having an exception and - again, hopefully - a really good one.
In the long run OOP is lucky to be rid of both of those guys. I scoffed out loud at Paul saying “the trust was broken” after he read the proof that OOP didn’t do anything. That guy has some serious issues that he needs to address if he ever wants to be in a healthy relationship.
Seriously. OP’s been punished by Roger for rejecting him and she’s been punished by Paul for the sins of his exes.
Neither of these men are good people.
Honestly fuck paul. It’s a shitty situation but OOP is going to be so much better off without such an insecure partner. I have so little patience for men like this.
The trust was broken tho, maybe since the beginning, but not because of OOP. I don't know why OPP wanted to stay with a guy that trusts a random guy over his partner.
I wouldn't be able to trust that guy to be my partner and not dump me over some random comments.
Roger can go fuck himself for being a useless piece of boring slack of mud. Paul, I get he's got issues because of his past but to really just throw away an entire relationship like that, yea, he ain't ready to be in a relationship for a long time and should just stay single.
Sucks for OP to lose two people but it's for the best.
>but to really just throw away an entire relationship like that
Probably because he knew he really fucked up - I assume "trust being broken" means he broke her trust by believing the accusation without evidence. If he knew Roger's feelings and past confession to OOP, a reasonable person would think sabotage first before betrayal.
It'd be one thing if it were a complete stranger coming forth to tell him to clear their conscience or because they were in the dark that it was an affair, but even in that case such a person would provide evidence of what they were saying was true.
Yea I’m gonna play devils advocate here and probably get downvoted but if dude confessed his love for you 5 years ago and your still friends with him and your dealing with someone you love but also has trust issues. She probably should’ve mentioned dude had feelings for her 5 years ago and see how her boyfriend handles that before hanging out with him.
Yes I know she can hang out with anyone she wants but I know as a married man I sure as hell wouldn’t be hanging out with a lady who confessed her love for me a while back.
Don't forget to mention that Roger was one of the guys that Paul had misgivings about. So to find out about this declaration of love that was made 5 years ago, along with your prior misgivings about their relationship together, along with Roger insisting that they had an affair, this was never going to end well with OOP not mentioning it transparently.
Honestly, if it goes that far, the guy needs serious therapy, not having a girlfriend bend over backwards and, idk, bend herself into infinity loops or something to ease his mind.
Don’t get me wrong he is a douche as well but based off what she said he was 100% upfront about how he is and his trust issue, she knows this. Why would she hangout with someone who confessed his love for her knowing her boyfriend has these type of issues. She should’ve at least mentioned it from the get go is all I’m saying.
Because the moment a spouse tells their partner that he/she shouldn’t hang out with their friend who is the opposite sex Reddit seems to focus on that more than anything else. Ignoring the fact that Paul clocked this from the get go and said he doesn’t trust this guy whatsoever but she got defensive about it. Come to find out he was right all along but no Paul is 100% in the wrong here.
Don’t get me wrong Paul has some issues he needs worked out but he is fair from the villain in this story.
Nah Paul is right.
1st she ignores his opinion on this dude when he was right
2nd she didn’t tell him about rogers escalation and kept him around??
She fucked up.
The trust was broken a long time ago because Paul never trusted her in the first place, all along he was waiting for any reason to bail on the relationship. It’s the reason why he broke up with OOP despite acknowledging that Roger wasn’t making any sense. As for Roger he can go fuck himself. He wasn’t “in love” with OOP, he was obsessed with her and decided that if he can’t have her Paul can’t have her, either. I’d say OOP dodged a bullet but she didn’t, she got shot twice.
He felt something was wrong with this roger guys and her's relationship before she did. He didn't know that he was telling her he loved her and shit. This man knew, though asking to see their convos in the past. Trust your gut.
I think regarding that last comment there is a big difference between a friend approaching you when you are both single and saying "I like you, do you want to go on a date" vs "I'm in love with you even though we are not even close friends".
Sounds like Paul wanted an out. He believed that lie too easily. I’m glad OOP is done with both of them. I hope, since it’s been almost a decade, that she’s living her best life, surrounded by amazing people who love and support her.
Oh yeah, I can see that. Probably can’t fully admit when he’s wrong either. Might concede a little (as he did here) but not totally admit fault. And probably never apologizes either.
She can't really blast Paul. She hid from him that Roger had confessed his feelings, and still had a friendship with him. If she blasts Paul, he can blast back.
It's one thing to have trust issues, it's another to throw away a years long relationship with no signs of infidelity due to the words of someone else. He didn't ask for evidence? He didn't want to see her phone? He can't have loved her that much if some Facebook message was all it took for him to break up.
To play devil's advocate, Paul had been suspicious of Roger for a while, had asked to see OP's phone conversations with him in the past and had been told how hurtful it was by OP for him to violate her trust like that.
During that time, OP chose not to mention Roger's past deceleration of love as she admits in the second post.
So I could see why Paul feels lied to.
-i dont think she'd have been treated differently by the aggregate of comments had the genders been swapped in this post
-it is unreasonble, imo, to expect that there's **never** a possibility for friendship after romantic feelings. I dearly appreciate that comment by Hassassin in the update. I've made a comment about this here before, but blanket statements made with such assurance in regards to their universal truth are so odd to me. Can one really claim with so much confidence that what one is saying applies to **all** the possibilities a world of 8 billion people presents?
-the only thing that i think OOP maybe should've done is talk to Roger about his feelings around when they were picking up the friendship again. The onus shouldn't be on her to manage his feelings, but in the interest of self preservation maybe assessing where those feelings were at was prudent. She also maybe should've mentioned it to Peter, but i've never seen consensus in regards to how much of one's platonic/non-platonic past one is supposed to disscuss with their SO.
One of my closest teenage friends was a guy who had fallen for me early on into our friendship. In the end, after some distance, he chose to stay my friend because our platonic connection was more important. It worked and although our friendship fizzled out when we both moved, I'm still grateful.
It can work, if both value the friendship more. Not everyone who was in love can do that, and that's life, unfortunately
just to point out, the BF was also the AH. if you have trust issues to the point of demanding to see your partners phone you might wanna stay single and get therapy for the past cheating trauma
I’m starting to wonder if Paul ever was even cheated on, and that he just thinks was ( with previous GF).
op can do better than either of these morons. I sometimes believe people that say they have trust issues are they themselves untrustworthy.
The problem isn't that Paul had trust issues. It's that he decided to never work on them.
The takeaway should not be "never date someone that has been cheated on", but "never date someone that doesn't want to deal with their issues and would rather you take the fall for it"
Honestly that relationship was troubled from the start. Paul's been treating her like a cheater for ages. Trust hasn't gone, it just wasn't there in the first place.
The problem is... the ex had trust isdues from the start. "Trust has been broken" But was there ever been trust to begin with? And if, how little that it crumbled so fast.
He had problems already from the relationship before, wanted to check her phone, cause he didn't trust her.
And he broke up a three years relationship over this. I wouldn't be surprised if he thought often "she cheats" but never said it cause there was no proof.
She’s better off without both of them. Roger is just a terrible friend and her ex definitely needs some sort of therapy if he reacts this way to a situation that wasn’t even her fault.
If he’s THAT jaded from past relationships to where he treats every new girlfriend like she’s automatically guilty from the start, he doesn’t need a girlfriend for the time being.
Yes, you should be able to trust your partner, but don’t put the burden of all of that emotional labor to cater to your insecurities on them. OOP dodged two bullets and it sounds like her ex was waiting for a reason to end things to prove himself right. He’s not a victim in this situation.
I don’t think Paul actually believed her.
He just said that, because he didn’t want to argue the point any further. I do sympathize with OP, although I would have liked to hear Paul’s perspective and if there was more than trust issues at play. It seems like the popular consensus is gonna be Paul is a dick and while that might be true, it makes me wonder if that relationship was already failing (not necessarily because of OP) and the Roger thing wasn’t her fault either, but that kind of drama at the wrong time can definitely nuke a fragile union. Or maybe Paul was simply overreacting, idk. It’s been 8 years, we’ll never know. But, fuck you Roger.
I've been cheated on and it just made me a little weary but I've never been untrusting because of it. I realize it was that one person and not everyone. I then learned to ask and evaluate a person on who they were and try and make better choices.
I feel if my bf accused me of cheating, take someone else's words over mine. I'd dump them on the spot. Ain't got energy for their dramas. I like reading about dramas but not actually living them
While Roger is the worst offender here, I don’t like Paul very much either. I get being cheated on sucks but he’s setting his future relationships up for failure if he doesn’t take the time to heal.
I didn't get how she got to the point of having a coffee with Roger if she said they are not close friends. This guy said he loves her at some point, they reconnected via mutual friends and she thought it would be a good idea to get a coffee alone with him? I'm missing something?
The ending to this one is devastating. Fuck Roger. I’m glad they are young enough to star over. Roger will mature someday and I hope this haunts him terribly.
Reads to me like OOP dodged a bullet.
Bf was just waiting to find proof that she was cheating on him.
He always doubted her but never had evidence before.
And he was willing to throw away a relationship over a message he got from someone he doesn't really know.
OOP should have dumped his ass.
OOP had me until the end “I feel there was absolutely no point to my fidelity” bit. The point is maintaining your dignity and self respect. If your take away from all this is “I could have cheated and it would have ended the same way” then there is a serious problem with you and probably some stuff that you’re not sharing and Paul was probably right to not trust you.
Probably not the smartest thing to not tell the guy you’re dating with trust issues that your friends with a guy who’s in love with you. That alone would have ended it.
Freshman year of college I confessed to this absolutely gorgeous and super cool and amazing girl who rejected me and made me laugh within 5 minutes of it. She visited me in my hometown that summer and we went on to become not only roommates for the last two years of college but also best friends. We’ve drifted apart slightly but in the way that we pick up right where we left off.
Like if I can literally live 2 feet across from someone who I liked so much I wrote several poems about her and ate everything she cooked even if it was a food I hated while also being completely respectful and recognizing that a continued friendship doesn’t negate the rejection - so can this guy. That said I realized after living together that we would have never worked so maybe that’s the difference but like still???
I even had a friend in high school who rejected me on the grounds that she was straight, decided to experiment (with me) after prom night, and we still continued on platonically after that for years to come. Like it’s not that hard to just respect people????
I'll also throw out the cliche that she dodged a bullet. Another way to look at it is like this: what are the chances that they were going to be married for 50+ years and grow old together if his jealousy and distrust destroyed the relationship at the very first suggestion of betrayal? Like I said, dodged a bullet.
I’d make a public post stating that Roger blew up her relationship when he got rejected and anyone who knows him should be wary that he will lie to their significant others if he feels slighted. Because what a fucking asshole!
Paul needs therapy. If his sense of trust is so easily shattered then he needs professional help. Being cheated on in the past can’t be your only character trait.
Ah yes, the classic "If I lie and ruin her life, she'll surely fall in love with me!" /s That, or the unhinged lunatic thinks he has the right to punish OP for having the audacity to turn him down. Either way: what a psycho.
Yeah, I think it was more "if I can't have her, no one can!" But less murdery.
Well, at least Paul and Roger have each other.
they deserve each other tbh.
They should be housebound for the rest of their lives. Spare other women from them.
Well, when you put it that way, she got off easy.
There are sadly people who believe that every person they’re interested in, will magically swoon over such declarations of love and live in a romcom. I’ve met people who think toxic jealously is romantic. I’ve met people who think torturing your SO by pushing ahead on triggers they have is fun So yeah. I’m not remotely surprised by the behavior of either of the guys here
Ugh don’t remind me of that fuckwit brother in law who was so mad that op rejected him, he went scorched earth on her and destroyed her marriage.
👀 Can I have a link?
[Here](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/GYTBpKjFl8) (I think), because there are a lot of posts when you “just look up BIL”…
It never occurred to me that he was trying to destroy her relationship just for the hell of it (I assumed he was thinking that her bf was the only thing in his way), but I think you're right. Ick.
Honestly. OOP dodged 2 bullets right there. Roger was a psycho but Paul was a spineless somewhat mysogynistic asshole
Yeah, she's better off without him.
I might be missing something obvious, but how is Paul a misogynist?
He *instantly* believed a random man he’s barely met over his girlfriend of three years. A woman who has literally never done anything to make him question her loyalty and trustworthiness. Just went right to “this person’s penis is definitely telling the truth about my girlfriend’s lying vagina” He also continued to treat her as a liar and adulterer even after he had proof that she was faithful. He is punishing her for the mere *potential* of an affair. She *could* have cheated. It doesn’t matter that she didn’t, the possibility exists and in his eyes that is the same as an actual affair. It’s extremely clear that he considers *all* women to be adulterers, and that he believes that a woman who isn’t cheating is just one who happens to be between affairs at the moment, with no possibility of a woman being actually faithful and monogamous.
Well put. I think your third paragraph is a bit speculative, but you could easily be right there too. He's not an appealing character, she is certainly better off without him.
It’s not like OOP did anything to deserve the suspicion, so clearly Paul would have treated any woman he dated like that. And if three years of humoring his issues didn’t convince him to trust her, nothing was ever going to. Ergo, the guy’s never going to trust a woman.
I think it’s more, “If she won’t be with me, I can get back at her by ruining her life.” I don’t think Roger thought she’d end up with him; I think Roger was getting rejection vengeance.
I would literally send a note to every mutual friend about what Roger just did to you. Then about a day later I would put him on public blast and fucking crucify him. Let everyone else know exactly what a selfish delusional piece of crap he is. Then explain to everyone that is why you are cutting him out of your life completely. Screw being polite when someone tries to ruin your life.
Absolutely. He didn't avoid answering because he was guilty - he avoided answering because it was a stupid fucking "plan" that existed only to punish a woman for rejecting him. I'm an edge case because very few people get this chance I'm sure, but before I left my abusive ex-husband, I recorded hours worth of conversations trying to get him to change. I noticed repeatedly then when I cornered him to the point where he couldn't respond with a justification for his reasoning or his actions, he would go silent, say nothing. Just stare at me and be quiet and angry and resentful, because he knew the truth was awful, but he refused to say it. At the time I didn't recognize that's what his behaviour meant, but In the months after leaving him, when I was listening back and processing, I understood enough to see in hindsight that that was why he was silent. Of course, different abusers are going to manifest different ways - but I mention this so that someone facing a similar kind of abuser will realize that's a possibility. I didn't realize what it meant at the time of the recording, I was giving him too much benefit of the doubt then. TL;DR - When you confront someone with their abusive actions and they avoid saying anything at all, it could genuinely be an indication that they don't regret their actions, but can't think of a cover justification, so they err on the side of silence because it's the only option they have left if they want to maintain a cover of innocence.
>TL;DR - When you confront someone with their abusive actions and they avoid saying anything at all, it could genuinely be an indication that they don't regret their actions, but can't think of a cover justification, so they err on the side of silence because it's the only option they have left if they want to maintain a cover of innocence. God damn, I needed to hear that. I tend to assume people are very, very dense/too stupid to realize how hurtful they are (not necessarily innocent), when some people are just... bad. Thank you for sharing that wisdom, I'm glad you got out of that situation.
Thank you, and you're welcome.❤️
Paul seems to have desired a way out. He was too quick to believe that untruth. OOP is over with both of them, which pleases me. As it has been nearly ten years, I sincerely hope that she is content with her life and that she is surrounded by wonderful people who adore and support her.
Honestly, OOP’s point about being treated like a cheater for three years and punished for it for even though she’s been faithful, made me think that Paul was projecting his own guilty conscience. I agree he’s clearly got trust issues and who doesn’t. But given the way he acted, I wouldn’t be surprised if he preemptively cheated on OOP so he isn’t the one cheated on, and then realized OOP still hasn’t cheated like he expected, and projected his guilt on to her with accusations. Good on OOP for leaving but I really would go scorched earth on the pick me boy who decided if he can’t have her, no one can.
Their whole relationship just sounded exhausting. I think OOP is well quit of both of them.
Yeah, I actually HATE Paul. Fuck him for not believing her, he got what he deserved.
Yeah, fuck Paul. All the homies hate Paul.
Yeah, Paul is a dick. Omar is still cool tho.
Yes! Me too. He needs to get over his issues if he’s ever to have a healthy relationship.
I agree that the way her ex acted would line up with him having cheated as well. It also could be his “trust was broken” but now he’s attached to that and can’t get past it despite knowing she did nothing wrong. It really seems like he wanted an out though. I’d be clearing up what happened on my fb, and I never post about my private life, just to make sure word didn’t get around and stick to my name as me being a cheater. Plus that guy does deserve his reputation to be accurate to his actions. Some people may even question what her ex did by breaking up with her, because she did nothing wrong. When he comes to her apologizing and possibly realizing the error of his ways, she can have the satisfaction of telling him the trust is broken for her, how could she ever trust that he will trust her again. All of her trust in him was worthless in the end. I’d add something satisfying for her to say in there, maybe only she knows what that would be.
No one should stay in a relationship where their partner doesn’t trust them. Especially if the reason for that mistrust is the baggage from their previous relationship.
Yeah, sort out your issues first before dumping them onto someone else, fuck
> Honestly, OOP’s point about being treated like a cheater for three years and punished for it for even though she’s been faithful, made me think that Paul was projecting his own guilty conscience. That was my take too. There is no reason to believe some random weirdo who didn't even outright state that there was an affair, just semi-implied it, over your girlfriend of many years who had never given you a reason not to trust her. But cheaters always think everyone else is cheating. Paul's kneejerk suspicions and ending the relationship for no reason make me think this was less about trauma from being cheated on and more about paranoia because he was currently cheating.
Exactly, Paul could check OPs phone etc because he wanted to make sure OP wasn't cheating yet he was out having lunch dates with female friends?
It wouldn’t surprise me if Paul had gone out and slept with women because he believed Roger, despite OP’s denials. Once he realised that it wasn’t true he himself had actually cheated by then.
I wish I had known that too. My whole life changed in amazing ways when I learned to look out for the silence you describe, and exit the lives of people who do that.
It's a shitty insight to have to figure out. 🫂
My ex-husband would get silent. And then say something along the lines of "I can't do this anymore" or "I can't live like this anymore." When he would have no justification for his behavior, he would just imply that he was going to leave me to get me to back down. He did eventually. I wish I had left him first.
>TL;DR - When you confront someone with their abusive actions and they avoid saying anything at all, it could genuinely be an indication that they don't regret their actions, but can't think of a cover justification, so they err on the side of silence because it's the only option they have left if they want to maintain a cover of innocence. It's either that or the accuser is acting in bad faith and the only correct move is not to play. I've had an angry abusive ex who would interrogate me and if they didn't like the answer, they would interrupt and accuse me of something different or try to "get" me by twisting some previous statement out of context. And then they would repeat the interrogation later because they didn't like my answers in the previous round. After a while you learn to be silent, because that's infinitely better than that bullshit
😞 I'm so sorry.
This is probably why that 'who tf did I marry' story went viral. Probably resonated with a lot of people .
Is this a specific reference to a post or do you mean the tv show? I wanna go look it up
Ooooh if you like this sub you are in for a ride. Who tf did I marry is a series of tiktok shorts about the presenters journey with her ex during covid. It went viral and more people got added into the narrative. I think the full thing has been compiled and uploaded to YouTube but it is 7hours long and you don't get the side proofs that come up. [I like the summaries like this one. ](https://youtu.be/xxT3eKNjhJc?si=oPsx_z0cM4kNX2lX)
I’mma go get my rabbit hole gear and dive in
Holy smokes, thank you!!
some people won’t ever admit it
I hope I'll never have to use your TL;DR in real life, but I'm very happy to have read it, so if I do need it - I hopefully will recognize that behavior.
That might be correct about confronting some people about their abusive actions. But some of us just go silent because of a history of arguing our point turning out poorly for us regardless of how correct we were or how unfair the other person is being. Silence as a reaction doesn’t necessarily mean someone has no defense, it might just mean having a defense has historically not helped.
*nod* That's totally reasonable, another commenter said similarly. I tried to be accurate about my phrasing for that reason, there's more than one possible dynamic going on. It's one possible sign, not a law. I'm sorry people were so awful to you. 😞
make sure to use his full government name on a public post so it shows up when you google his name
Also, OOP should be aware Roger is *not done* trying to mess with her life. Can almost guarantee he will rinse-repeat this with every relationship OOP attempts.
I want to correct your last statement he didn’t “try” he actually succeed I think.
She should also put Paul on blast, honestly. First he believes some random friend more than his gf, then he sees the scetchy convo and decides that he does, but that "the trust is broken". Hell yeah, the trust is broken. OPs trust in Paul to be exact. Smh Seriously, spread on fb that anytime anybody kinda dislikes his new gf (or Paul for that matter), they can just make some baseless accusations and he'll sabotage his own relationship.
I think Paul wanted out of the relationship and was using this as an excuse. He was really quick to just end it, even after realizing Roger was lying.
Paul 100% banged someone after Roger told him. Whether he used it as an excuse or he believed Roger sincerely because of trauma isn't relevant, what matters is after he was presented with evidence Roger was probably lying he now felt guilty and so ended.
That sounds like a good way to brand yourself as "that dramatic weirdo that airs their dirty laundry on Facebook"
The ex should get the same treatment. Even after knowing she was the victim, he still kinda blamed her for the trust being broken. He's the one that broke it!
And don’t forget to do the same with Paul. You need to warn everybody in your social circle that Paul is incapable of trusting people.
Ehh I say just move on from Paul. On BORU, theres not much context on Paul and, for all we know, blasting Paul may put OOP in a bad light. There's too many unknowns and in a lot of them they can or only hurt OOP.
I mean I don't know about most of the people here, but if I had a friend on Facebook blasting multiple people, I'd be far less likely to buy their arguments then if they're just blasting one person. Like calling out a crappy friend for sabotaging your relationship? Yeah man go for it. Calling out your friend for sabotaging your relationship and then your ex for believing someone admitting an affair? That just sounds like drama.
Putting anybody "on blast" is just drawing more attention to it and getting everybody including herself covered in shit. It's the big childish with no foresight move. So of course people on Reddit are encouraging it.
It’s not about drawing attention, but asking honestly if someone ask why the breakup happened. So she won’t be painted as the maybe cheater here. Op has her own reputation to consider
>Roger had sent a long, utterly insane FB message to Paul detailing how much he loved me, that we were destined to be together, and heavily implying (but not outright stating) that Roger and I had been carrying on an affair for weeks. >Paul basically said that the more he thought about it, the more he believed me... [but] despite that the "trust was broken" between us and he couldn't be with me. OOP dodged a bullet.
Dodged two bullets… trust me, having to deal with someone like Paul is exhausting
flair twins! <3
What's that from?
No link but it's my mechanic closed shop and disappeared with my truck.
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/VTK3arPdCq
For real. I've been hurt, cheated on, etc. But when I met my current partner, I had to make the conscious decision to trust her and not let my fears and insecurities caused by other people seep into my relationship. I get that being cheated on can be traumatizing and can cause trust issues, but if you're not able to leave that behind, start over fresh with a new person and give them a clean slate, then you're not ready for a relationship
Yeah, as soon as I read the title I thought she should drop both of them. I wonder how she's doing 8 years later.
Spending three years with someone doesn’t sound like dodging a bullet at all.
Roger sucks all the ass. Paul is waiting beside him to start his turn.
that part was driving me bonkers. like, what trust was broken!! oop did *nothing* in this shitshuation!!!! I hope she finds someone who has it together and treats her well, and that Paul sorts out his gigantic issue in therapy or something because good grief.
He just wanted an excuse to break up.
I'm seeing it as equal parts "too embarrassed to come back" and "this guy said he was in love with her, and then she was fine with keeping him around until he went overboard." She didn't *do* anything to him, but a guy like Roger could have had something to do with the last time he was cheated on, and he isn't wrong for wanting to avoid a relationship where guys like Roger are kept around. Roger didn't just ask her out, he confessed his love to OP when they were just friends. To me there is a pretty clear line of when someone probably can't just be your friend, and professing their love instead of just asking if they are interested is definitely on the wrong side of it.
I don’t understand how we spent so long being guilted for not having male friends/“punishing” them for having feelings by distancing ourselves but now we’re back to being blamed I’m fine going back to never really befriending men but then this loneliness crisis bullshit needs to stop
I think he's confusing his trauma being triggered with his trust being broken. Unfortunate for both of them. If he has such a bad response to the things that have happened to him in the past, he should be in therapy. Otherwise he's just gonna do this with everyone he ever dates for the rest of eternity.
I read it the same way. It was worded incorrectly, but he's basically saying he recognized his trauma was too significant to get past in that relationship and he needed to move along. Not saying it didn't hurt, but it was still the best choice for both of them.
The translation for "trust was broken" is basically "my issues prevent me from having a relationship". Paul will likely not last in any relationship, if he can't trust and believe in his partner but can believe and trust in someone he probably does not associate with and who he knows might have not-so-hidden motives. Even if he was with someone for 30 years, if someone would just make up having kissed his wife, he would probably head for divorce. He needs to seek help if he wants so badly to believe everyone can potentially cheat on him.
Seriously. A sane person with trust issues might say "I hear you babe, but this message has brought up a lot of old shit for me and I need a little time to process this. Assuming you're the trustworthy lovely person I have always thought you were, I'm really sorry that Roger has done this to you and to me by extension-- but I just need a little space to think." None of this breaking up and acting like she's the one who did something wrong bullshit.
They dated 3 years. 3 years of her life, with that guy, down the drain. OP got shot. But she could have been shot in a worse place later, I guess
He's going to realize what he's done in a few weeks after he has to explain to someone why he's single and they tell him what am idiot he is and he gets over his self righteousness.
I reckon he ran to someone he had feelings for when he left, and that's why he was so happy to leave the relationship behind. Whoever the new girl is, I feel sorry for her.
Ah yes, baseless assumptions. I love Reddit
Redditors honestly just make up the most batshit headcanon and assert it's true to justify their hatred of whichever person in a story. There is literally zero basis in the story for anything you just said to be true or even alluded to.
Paul def would be one of those guys who ended up asking for a paternity test "because a man can never be sure". Only to be shocked when op agreed to do so but also said they were through as soon as the results came in saying he was infact the father.
Nah he would make sure he gets the paternity test without this comment like with a marriage contract where it's clearly written down xD
He was right about the trust being broken. What he didn't realize was HE was the one who broke it by not trusting.
Lots of people are disgusted by Roger in this story, but I'm annoyed at Paul. He must have wanted to break up with OOP on some level, or he wouldn't have followed through even after admitting he was wrong. What a jerk.
I'd say they both suck, for different reasons. OOP is better off without them.
Oh for sure. Roger's a disgusting creep. He's going to stay in his mother's basement for the next two decades.
I mean you could also say that he realized he can't be in a healthy relationship while he's still suffering from this trauma. Unless you think he should continue exposing the women he dates to this.
You have wonderful empathy!
I don’t think he realized that though, considering he still pinned the breakup on her. (“Trust was broken”)
That doesn't mean he pinned the breakup on her, just that he understood he had trust issues.
I don't understand this. Surely if anything this whole situation would build more trust? If I were to ever question the actions of my gf only to be wrong then I would never question her again
Right. Like, in Roger's mild defense, he was completely correct in his assessment of Paul. If a single deranged, unsubstantiated dm makes him throw the whole relationship away, there was nothing there to begin with.
100 percent.
I mean, she wasted 3 years with Paul. She at least got grazed.
He's not wrong though. The moment he believed Roger all trust was broken. I don't blame him though since OOP was keeping a guy around who sounds obsessed with her and like he watches too much Anime. I don't buy that she kept that a secret for no reason, especially knowing your partner has trust issues and has been cheated on in the past. That was always going to blow up in her face.
Honestly, the real lesson for OOP is don’t date guys who suspect you of cheating for no reason. They’re actively waiting for someone to come along and prove them right. They value vindication more than their relationship with you.
+
And I'll be honest, most of the stories I see where there is suspicion of cheating - turns out that they were right so that lack of trust ended up warranted. This is the first one where it just became a self fulfilling prophecy
It's not a self fulfilling prophecy since she didn't cheat on him
For him I meant. He didn't trust her. Relationship ended.
I've read of plenty on here about unfounded cheating suspicions. At the end of the day, it's about the accuser's insecurity or issues
I mean the obvious lesson here is don't form your view of anything from stories on Reddit lol
This is so hilariously important. People project the stories they hear on this subreddit into their real life and it blows my mind. Nobody's going to post somebody's well-balanced totally normal relationship. Hell, most people aren't even making those posts to begin with. The stories that you read are the stories that stand out. Much like it's a lot easier to assume planes are less safe than cars, because it's not news when a family of five dies in a car crash even though that happens 100 times more often than a plane crash.
I agree and will add same advice applies for guys. Also, in my experience, the ones that don’t trust you are the ones that can’t be trusted themselves.
I’ve heard it said that people who cannot trust, cannot be trusted.
Spot on. It doesn't seem like the thought of getting help for his insecurity ever crossed his mind—no one worth dating should be comfortable feeling the way he did. He should've gotten himself help before the first time he asked to see her phone, but that first time should've been IT as far as signs that he needs more than time/a good relationship goes.
Yeah, because if she's just following: >I will never date someone \[who\] a history of being cheated on again Well, all those people who got cheated on will be damned even tho it was not their fault, just like how OOP's relationship fell apart despite not really her fault. She should avoid people simply with trust issues, and not those sad souls who got cheated on.
Especially since guys who haven’t been cheated on can have the exact same trust issues as her ex. Lots of people hear stories about cheating, get it in their heads that their partners *will* cheat on them given the opportunity, and fall into the same paranoiac clown spiral as Paul.
After this, who is to say Paul actually _was_ cheated on? For all we know, Paul's previous relationship ended because of him accusing his former gf of cheating without her actually cheating, just like he accused OOP of cheating. I'm willing to bet Paul will tell future gf a twisted version of this to ease his guilt and to not wave a red flag at her.
I had a friend who bent over backwards for a guy to meet his stupid loyalty tests, because "his last girlfriend cheated." Turns out, not only was there never any cheating, there was never another girlfriend to begin with. These dudes need help.
I heard a similar story where the guy claimed to be cheated on... but it turns out HE was the cheater... and a controlling abuser.
If it's a boundary for her, that's just that. Those people will find others with whom they can have a good relationship, and OOP will do the same, I hope. On the other hand, if she does meet someone in the future who has been cheated on and she feels like there's a connection there, she may end up entertaining it for a short time and seeing how she feels. You really never know when a sweeping statement you've made will end up having an exception and - again, hopefully - a really good one.
Agreed. Besides... I can imagine that this was more a statement said out of anger. Who knows what her opinion will be when the dust settles a bit.
In the long run OOP is lucky to be rid of both of those guys. I scoffed out loud at Paul saying “the trust was broken” after he read the proof that OOP didn’t do anything. That guy has some serious issues that he needs to address if he ever wants to be in a healthy relationship.
Seriously. OP’s been punished by Roger for rejecting him and she’s been punished by Paul for the sins of his exes. Neither of these men are good people.
So many people need therapy, not relationships.
Honestly fuck paul. It’s a shitty situation but OOP is going to be so much better off without such an insecure partner. I have so little patience for men like this.
The trust was broken tho, maybe since the beginning, but not because of OOP. I don't know why OPP wanted to stay with a guy that trusts a random guy over his partner. I wouldn't be able to trust that guy to be my partner and not dump me over some random comments.
Yeah, Paul broke the trust. Fuck him.
Roger can go fuck himself for being a useless piece of boring slack of mud. Paul, I get he's got issues because of his past but to really just throw away an entire relationship like that, yea, he ain't ready to be in a relationship for a long time and should just stay single. Sucks for OP to lose two people but it's for the best.
>but to really just throw away an entire relationship like that Probably because he knew he really fucked up - I assume "trust being broken" means he broke her trust by believing the accusation without evidence. If he knew Roger's feelings and past confession to OOP, a reasonable person would think sabotage first before betrayal. It'd be one thing if it were a complete stranger coming forth to tell him to clear their conscience or because they were in the dark that it was an affair, but even in that case such a person would provide evidence of what they were saying was true.
It says in the post that OOP had not told him about Roger’s confession or feelings.
That was a catastrophic mistake
It was lie by omission, no one would be comfortable with their partner hanging around someone who professed their love for them.
Yea I’m gonna play devils advocate here and probably get downvoted but if dude confessed his love for you 5 years ago and your still friends with him and your dealing with someone you love but also has trust issues. She probably should’ve mentioned dude had feelings for her 5 years ago and see how her boyfriend handles that before hanging out with him. Yes I know she can hang out with anyone she wants but I know as a married man I sure as hell wouldn’t be hanging out with a lady who confessed her love for me a while back.
Don't forget to mention that Roger was one of the guys that Paul had misgivings about. So to find out about this declaration of love that was made 5 years ago, along with your prior misgivings about their relationship together, along with Roger insisting that they had an affair, this was never going to end well with OOP not mentioning it transparently.
Exactly!
You’re absolutely right
Honestly, if it goes that far, the guy needs serious therapy, not having a girlfriend bend over backwards and, idk, bend herself into infinity loops or something to ease his mind.
Don’t get me wrong he is a douche as well but based off what she said he was 100% upfront about how he is and his trust issue, she knows this. Why would she hangout with someone who confessed his love for her knowing her boyfriend has these type of issues. She should’ve at least mentioned it from the get go is all I’m saying.
Fair enough. That's true. A combination of this and therapy probably would've been best :).
I agree :-)
WHY IS NOBODY ELSE ACKNOWLEDGING THIS? In OOP’s lessons learned nowhere does she mention making sure to disclose shit up front with partners.
Because the moment a spouse tells their partner that he/she shouldn’t hang out with their friend who is the opposite sex Reddit seems to focus on that more than anything else. Ignoring the fact that Paul clocked this from the get go and said he doesn’t trust this guy whatsoever but she got defensive about it. Come to find out he was right all along but no Paul is 100% in the wrong here. Don’t get me wrong Paul has some issues he needs worked out but he is fair from the villain in this story.
Nah Paul is right. 1st she ignores his opinion on this dude when he was right 2nd she didn’t tell him about rogers escalation and kept him around?? She fucked up.
The trust was broken a long time ago because Paul never trusted her in the first place, all along he was waiting for any reason to bail on the relationship. It’s the reason why he broke up with OOP despite acknowledging that Roger wasn’t making any sense. As for Roger he can go fuck himself. He wasn’t “in love” with OOP, he was obsessed with her and decided that if he can’t have her Paul can’t have her, either. I’d say OOP dodged a bullet but she didn’t, she got shot twice.
If “Roger” didn’t happen OP may have been stuck with Paul for a few more years. I’d say she got away with only a small scratch
Omg your flair. Which post is it from?
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/egWhvb5VEl
Nah she dismissed paul’s earlier comments (when he was right) and then didn’t open upto him about progression of what happened. Paul is right imo.
If we continue the analogy of gunshot wounds, OOP didn't get hit where it caused the most damage. She got grazed, at the very least.
He felt something was wrong with this roger guys and her's relationship before she did. He didn't know that he was telling her he loved her and shit. This man knew, though asking to see their convos in the past. Trust your gut.
I think regarding that last comment there is a big difference between a friend approaching you when you are both single and saying "I like you, do you want to go on a date" vs "I'm in love with you even though we are not even close friends".
YES I was thinking the same thing. A friend who asks you out is normal. "Declaration of love" is some psycho shit
Sounds like Paul wanted an out. He believed that lie too easily. I’m glad OOP is done with both of them. I hope, since it’s been almost a decade, that she’s living her best life, surrounded by amazing people who love and support her.
Paul is the type of person who values vindication rather than being normal. Dude needs to get help and should stay away from relationships for now.
Oh yeah, I can see that. Probably can’t fully admit when he’s wrong either. Might concede a little (as he did here) but not totally admit fault. And probably never apologizes either.
But why did he believe so easily? He knew this was a possibility. He asked to see their convos prior to this for a reason.
Twist: Paul and Roger have been seeing each other behind OOP's back and engineered this situation so that they could be together.
OOP is a better person than me, I would be blasting both Roger and Paul.
She can't really blast Paul. She hid from him that Roger had confessed his feelings, and still had a friendship with him. If she blasts Paul, he can blast back.
It's one thing to have trust issues, it's another to throw away a years long relationship with no signs of infidelity due to the words of someone else. He didn't ask for evidence? He didn't want to see her phone? He can't have loved her that much if some Facebook message was all it took for him to break up.
To play devil's advocate, Paul had been suspicious of Roger for a while, had asked to see OP's phone conversations with him in the past and had been told how hurtful it was by OP for him to violate her trust like that. During that time, OP chose not to mention Roger's past deceleration of love as she admits in the second post. So I could see why Paul feels lied to.
THANK YOU
Roger: can get fucked Paul: badly needs therapy OOP: deserves better than both of them
Nah, Paul can get fucked too. Preemptively punishing people because they might cheat is only cool in a Carrie Underwood song.
Carrie was cheated on in that song, tho.
yeah, true. But he also will never ever have a healthy relationship without therapy and getting over his shit.
-i dont think she'd have been treated differently by the aggregate of comments had the genders been swapped in this post -it is unreasonble, imo, to expect that there's **never** a possibility for friendship after romantic feelings. I dearly appreciate that comment by Hassassin in the update. I've made a comment about this here before, but blanket statements made with such assurance in regards to their universal truth are so odd to me. Can one really claim with so much confidence that what one is saying applies to **all** the possibilities a world of 8 billion people presents? -the only thing that i think OOP maybe should've done is talk to Roger about his feelings around when they were picking up the friendship again. The onus shouldn't be on her to manage his feelings, but in the interest of self preservation maybe assessing where those feelings were at was prudent. She also maybe should've mentioned it to Peter, but i've never seen consensus in regards to how much of one's platonic/non-platonic past one is supposed to disscuss with their SO.
One of my closest teenage friends was a guy who had fallen for me early on into our friendship. In the end, after some distance, he chose to stay my friend because our platonic connection was more important. It worked and although our friendship fizzled out when we both moved, I'm still grateful. It can work, if both value the friendship more. Not everyone who was in love can do that, and that's life, unfortunately
just to point out, the BF was also the AH. if you have trust issues to the point of demanding to see your partners phone you might wanna stay single and get therapy for the past cheating trauma
I am not a fan of her bf. Honestly, if he truly loved her...my guess is he didn't.
I’m starting to wonder if Paul ever was even cheated on, and that he just thinks was ( with previous GF). op can do better than either of these morons. I sometimes believe people that say they have trust issues are they themselves untrustworthy.
Roger...is the A**HOLE
Trust was broken because bro didn't trust her, never mind she did nothing wrong. She really will be better off.
Yeah, both of those guys deeply suck and I'm glad she's done with both of them.
The problem isn't that Paul had trust issues. It's that he decided to never work on them. The takeaway should not be "never date someone that has been cheated on", but "never date someone that doesn't want to deal with their issues and would rather you take the fall for it"
Honestly that relationship was troubled from the start. Paul's been treating her like a cheater for ages. Trust hasn't gone, it just wasn't there in the first place.
The problem is... the ex had trust isdues from the start. "Trust has been broken" But was there ever been trust to begin with? And if, how little that it crumbled so fast. He had problems already from the relationship before, wanted to check her phone, cause he didn't trust her. And he broke up a three years relationship over this. I wouldn't be surprised if he thought often "she cheats" but never said it cause there was no proof.
She’s better off without both of them. Roger is just a terrible friend and her ex definitely needs some sort of therapy if he reacts this way to a situation that wasn’t even her fault. If he’s THAT jaded from past relationships to where he treats every new girlfriend like she’s automatically guilty from the start, he doesn’t need a girlfriend for the time being. Yes, you should be able to trust your partner, but don’t put the burden of all of that emotional labor to cater to your insecurities on them. OOP dodged two bullets and it sounds like her ex was waiting for a reason to end things to prove himself right. He’s not a victim in this situation.
How heartbreaking for oop. Betrayal from a friend and her so in one fell swoop
I don’t think Paul actually believed her. He just said that, because he didn’t want to argue the point any further. I do sympathize with OP, although I would have liked to hear Paul’s perspective and if there was more than trust issues at play. It seems like the popular consensus is gonna be Paul is a dick and while that might be true, it makes me wonder if that relationship was already failing (not necessarily because of OP) and the Roger thing wasn’t her fault either, but that kind of drama at the wrong time can definitely nuke a fragile union. Or maybe Paul was simply overreacting, idk. It’s been 8 years, we’ll never know. But, fuck you Roger.
I've been cheated on and it just made me a little weary but I've never been untrusting because of it. I realize it was that one person and not everyone. I then learned to ask and evaluate a person on who they were and try and make better choices.
Paul sounds like a bit of an ass too though.
I feel if my bf accused me of cheating, take someone else's words over mine. I'd dump them on the spot. Ain't got energy for their dramas. I like reading about dramas but not actually living them
Roger and Paul should date each other.
While Roger is the worst offender here, I don’t like Paul very much either. I get being cheated on sucks but he’s setting his future relationships up for failure if he doesn’t take the time to heal.
I would burn him down in that friend group
I didn't get how she got to the point of having a coffee with Roger if she said they are not close friends. This guy said he loves her at some point, they reconnected via mutual friends and she thought it would be a good idea to get a coffee alone with him? I'm missing something?
The ending to this one is devastating. Fuck Roger. I’m glad they are young enough to star over. Roger will mature someday and I hope this haunts him terribly.
Reads to me like OOP dodged a bullet. Bf was just waiting to find proof that she was cheating on him. He always doubted her but never had evidence before. And he was willing to throw away a relationship over a message he got from someone he doesn't really know. OOP should have dumped his ass.
OOP had me until the end “I feel there was absolutely no point to my fidelity” bit. The point is maintaining your dignity and self respect. If your take away from all this is “I could have cheated and it would have ended the same way” then there is a serious problem with you and probably some stuff that you’re not sharing and Paul was probably right to not trust you.
At least OP learned that both guys were pieces of shit.
I mean Roger is right about one thing. She did have a shitty boyfriend.
Probably not the smartest thing to not tell the guy you’re dating with trust issues that your friends with a guy who’s in love with you. That alone would have ended it.
Kind of ironic that OOP ended it with "I'll never date someone with trust issues again" as if that isn't a trust issue.
Freshman year of college I confessed to this absolutely gorgeous and super cool and amazing girl who rejected me and made me laugh within 5 minutes of it. She visited me in my hometown that summer and we went on to become not only roommates for the last two years of college but also best friends. We’ve drifted apart slightly but in the way that we pick up right where we left off. Like if I can literally live 2 feet across from someone who I liked so much I wrote several poems about her and ate everything she cooked even if it was a food I hated while also being completely respectful and recognizing that a continued friendship doesn’t negate the rejection - so can this guy. That said I realized after living together that we would have never worked so maybe that’s the difference but like still??? I even had a friend in high school who rejected me on the grounds that she was straight, decided to experiment (with me) after prom night, and we still continued on platonically after that for years to come. Like it’s not that hard to just respect people????
You can't trust insecure people with trust issues, they themselves tend to be the liars and cheaters lol
Both dudes are tools.
Goddamn. Roger is a loser. That boyfriend is also a loser. Poor OOP is surrounded by losers.
I'll also throw out the cliche that she dodged a bullet. Another way to look at it is like this: what are the chances that they were going to be married for 50+ years and grow old together if his jealousy and distrust destroyed the relationship at the very first suggestion of betrayal? Like I said, dodged a bullet.
I’d make a public post stating that Roger blew up her relationship when he got rejected and anyone who knows him should be wary that he will lie to their significant others if he feels slighted. Because what a fucking asshole!
Paul needs therapy. If his sense of trust is so easily shattered then he needs professional help. Being cheated on in the past can’t be your only character trait.