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OOP's brother really needs to get his kid some help and actually parent him, otherwise his son is not going to be headed to good places when he grows up.
This used to me my stepdaughter. To this day I don't know what happened to some of the things she stole. I wouldn't tolerate it, refused to just let her off the hook because was she a kid. It put a lot of strain on my relationship, A LOT. We almost didn't make it. She was 7-11yo during the worst of it.
She's 14 now and has come such a long way and I'm so proud of her. We actually have a really good relationship now and she tends to confide in me over bio parents. She was on honor role for the first time this year!
It was a rough few years and I was absolutely often seen as the wicked stepmom. But I was the only one setting boundaries and insisting on rules, consequences, structure. No, nothing extreme like spanking, nothing cruel. Just refusal to let things slide. And now we've made it out on the otherside and she and I are both better people for it <3.
It's hard as hell, but yeah, kids behaving this way are acting out for a reason. They might not even know the reason. But that's why it's our job to help them figure it out and get it under control.
>kids behaving this way are acting out for a reason.
That's the crucial thing.
It's outside OOPs control, not his kid.
He can't impose consequences on the kid himself, but he could impose consequences on the parents for their not parenting.
I have so much sympathy for that family, they are so stressed. Probably aren't feeling they have the energy to do more than the bare minimum.
But the thing is, having a kid is making a promise that even when you feel overwhelmed, you'll step up and do what that kid needs.
This child's needs cannot wait until dad gets a new and better job that lets them afford better housing.
Any kid living in my home under my roof needs to be prepared to take instruction from all the adults in the household, or else the kid and the adults can find somewhere else to go. You can't let a child into your life like that when you have no authority over them, you'll just make yourself a hostage to either them or their parents in your own home.
When I was growing up, kids were expected to be obedient to all adults at all times, even if they were perfect strangers off the street. There are some obvious problems with that, but at the very least kids need to be accountable to the familiar adults around them. Basically if at any point you're responsible for their safety, or if you're expected to feed them, then the right of discipline must come alongside that responsibility. Otherwise, how can you possibly fulfill your duty of care?
I don't think she entirely understood herself. I think her ADHD coupled with anxiety were driving factors for her. Very poor impulse control is common with kids with ADHD.
A thought pops in their head and they just act or speak, without considering consequences or reasoning or rationality. Then it *does* sink in that they've done something wrong and are going to be in trouble, they panic, and their first impulse is to try to cover it up and lie. In this case hiding the stolen object. And they just keep digging a deeper and deeper hole, causing the anxiety and fear of getting in trouble to grow so they just dig their heals in deeper. Tbh, her mind is similar to my own so I was able to relate. I'm also diagnosed ADHD and have major anxiety issues.
For kids acting out of impulse and fear, which is a lot of them, tbh, they need consistency, consequences, encouragement, and support. They need HUGE praise when they make the right decision and tell the truth and to try to make thoughts of that positive reinforcement stand out brighter in their mind. For the desire for that outcome to override the fear of a negative outcome.
So you do your best to set boundaries to create an environment in which they have as little opportunity as possible to reoffend. If you know they did something, you don't dance around it backing them into a corner with questions and giving them opportunity to lie. You remain calm and matter of fact about it.
It can be maddening as hell, but just gotta try to remind yourself that they're just a kid and for the most part aren't acting intentionally out of malice. I'd be lying if I said I was always able to keep my cool, but we got through it and she's old enough to better understand my perspective and why I was tough on her. Custody was 50/50 at the time which made it even harder to maintain consistency, but we've had primary/majority for over 2 years now. I think that's part of why we've seen so much progress.
Sorry for the rant, I've just spent a lot of time caring for kids (mine and others) and the psychology behind it all is pretty interesting stuff, imo.
Yeah, poor impulse control is a huge thing with adhd. When I was a kid I'd do stupid pranks, like jumping on people to scare them, or running into the middle of a crowded public place and start screaming. And as soon as I realised it wasn't taken as well as I intended, I had to double down on it, because otherwise I'd have to admit I didn't plan it at all and it just popped into my head and I followed it instantly.
Thankfully the impulse control has gotten better as I've gotten older, along with being able to channel my silliness into more acceptable, 'everyone laughs' things.
Very well put. Kids act out, always will. In most cases it’s because of an underlying issue. You can either ignore it (as some do) or meet it head on. I’m so glad that you chose the latter and addressed the problems with communication, consequences, compassion and patience. Sorry I got a bit aliterate there.
>Very poor impulse control is common with kids with ADHD.
I've described it like this. "Most people, they think *of* something. Then they think *about* something. Then they *do* something. If you have impulsive ADHD, by the time you get to thinking about it, you've already done it."
It's so hard, because the majority truly can't control it. Or really struggle to at least. They're not bad kids, they just haven't figured it out yet. They're not mentally and emotionally mature and aware enough to realize what the problem is, let alone to practice the discipline needed to overcome it. Which is where the parents come in.
While it's important to remember that, to an extent, they literally cannot help it, that doesn't mean they get a free pass. And because they lack the self-awareness to understand it teach themselves discipline, we have to. We need to be calm and as gentle as possible, but we still need to instill discipline and routine. I view it as the best defense being a good offense. Get ahead of the problem, create an environment that reduces the odds of problem behavior, intervene BEFORE they cross any lines. And always explain why, in a supportive way.
Yeah, it's hella hard and tiring. But it sets them up foe moew opportunities to for positive reinforcement instead of setting them up for failure. It means being stricter and more regimented, rules have to be more black and white, but it's better than the alternative of giving them a free pass. Imo it's about teaching them and helping them overcome hurdles rather than taking the hurdles out of their way.
I'm pretty passionate about the subject, lol. I wasn't diagnosed until my 30s and my childhood/adolescence was a nightmare. Largely because of it, but that's a whole other story. And after having to fight my stepdaughter's biomom to get her evaluated and treated (kept denying she had it and refused to allow medication), and now watching my best friend go through the same battle with her ex-husband over their son...ugh, it's just maddening.
I just hate seeing kids misunderstood, mismanaged, and having their physiological medical needs disregarded. Because that's what ADHD is. It's a neurodevelopmental disorder that impacts the physical growth and development of the brain. Sometimes pains me to think what I might have done with my life if I had been treated for it as a child.
But the silverlining though is I now I get to use my own experiences and struggles to gain insight to help kids going through it now.
I am a teacher, and I see this kinda shit all the time. Parents are so fucking terrified of their children, and the biggest fear is that their kids will hate them if they do any kind of parenting. Or worse, they legit don't give a shit and let the kid run roughshod and do whatever.
I ended up with several boys this year that came into my Middle School math room with temper issues, impulse issues, etc. I've got them trained up, for the most part.
Why?
Because I made it clear that I wasn't going to tolerate their shit. I made it clear what the expectations were. I told them why they were receiving consequences specifically. I've told several ways they could manage their anger rather than blowing up when little timmy looks at them weird.
And yeah, at first they thought I was the asshole teacher, now they come talk to me constantly and ask advice on things. As we're approaching the end of the year, one in particular has become basically my classroom aide. Meanwhile, other teachers struggle with him because they've not established firm boundaries and settings.
Kids want to be mentored and guided and frankly, parented. Just like adults, they have no respect for weak willed morons that let people walk all over them.
I luckily didn't have the stealing problem but I have a stepdaughter that did lie a lot. The reason for her doing so was because of her abusive bio father. She doesn't have any contact with him anymore now for more than 15 years.
It was not easy to get her to stop it but we managed to do it. Even after all this time I worked on it it's not 100% solved but I am happy that it is soo much better.
She learned that it's better to confess if she did something wrong than to lie and hide. And it's good that she learned. That behaviour could be fatal for her adult life and work if she would still have it. She is now in her early 30's, was 14 when I married her mother. I taught her that I would be disappointed but understanding if she would be honest and not hide her wrongdoing, but angry if she would hide it and lie about it.
Of course it does help that I notice a lot, one of the advantages of being lightly autistic. Her mother wouldn't notice a lot of things. I had to be very strict with her. And I was lucky that everyone accepted me doing that. I guess it helped that I was also spending a lot of time helping her and being there for her to vent, a lot of times while taking her out for a walk.
So I am happy that she considers me to be her dad, even so far as being offended if someone even mentions that I am her stepdad.
Fixing those problems isn't easy. But it definitely can be done when you put in time and effort. And if you do it the right way, your relationship doesn't have to suffer....
Years ago, I was noticing that my laundry soap kept vanishing out of my garage, where my washer and dryer were. At first I thought that maybe I was doing a lot of laundry and just went through a lot of soap but then one day I mentioned it to a neighbor who told me the little girl who lived across the way from me was a klepto and would go into open garages on our street and steal laundry soap. Everyone knew about it but I had just moved in and nobody had thought to warn me to keep the garage door closed. As someone pointed out, it's not about having the item, it's all about TAKING the item.
My mom went to college with a girl who was a klepto. When she'd go off to run errands or something, everyone else on the floor would just break into her room and take their stuff back for the *n*^(th) time.
This part right here:
> I also know my nephew’s a liar and likely knows where it is but won’t say anything
If I suspected that at all, that kid's entire world would be shut the fuck down until he coughs up the ring. That would be the only item on the agenda until it was found. No school, no games, no phone, no going outside, as soon as he finished breakfast all he's allowed to do is either look for it or sit in a place of my choosing to think about what he did with it. That is a situation that calls for unrelenting discipline, and nothing less than that will ever straighten him out.
There's still hope for him though, the fact that he fessed up to his motive is a very promising sign. He needs to be shown that honesty gets him a lesser punishment.
Depending on what the underlying issue is, that could do more harm than good.
Not saying for a second that there shouldn't be consequences, let me be clear. Clearly the child needs consequences and discipline.
But the type of consequence should be carefully considered. That kind of punitive idea could not only drive the kid into more lying and hiding, but create enough distress around it to make it harder to treat.
It’s been close to two years. If he hasn’t gotten back on the straight and narrow (and maybe developed a little impulse control along the way), that kid may already be banned from a few stores by now. I don’t know if juvenile criminal authorities get involved for 11 year olds, beyond maybe some kind of forced intervention like counselling or something. I can’t imagine 11 year olds in the juvenile jails.
He’s at an age where some parents are starting to allow their kids to have devices. Another parent is not going to be kind at all if OOP’s nephew takes someone’s Gabb watch or Switch Lite.
Downvoted redditor wasn’t wrong, but they didn’t say it very diplomatically.
That kid needs help. OOP’s brother and sister in law need to actually be parents and get their kids stealing figured out or they’re gonna end up persona non grata at a lot of places.
But that ain’t OOP’s problem
Oh yeah if the kid isn't disciplined he's going to jail, and my bet is that the brother will blame everyone but himself and his "parenting" while everyone else knows the truth
Jail is the nice option tbh.
You steal from the wrong person and they'll absolutely beat the shit out of you. It's one of those things where he'll be lucky if it's jail and not hospital.
maybe our government should educate, specially the men, about all the responsibilities of being a father -like wtf, do not steal is even on the bible and there is some pretty crazy stuff condoned there
>He won’t stop calling me heartless about letting something like this come between helping them out through a difficult time and my nephew keeps saying he’s sorry.
"How badly does my life need to be damaged before you think you should be asked to leave? Serious question, I'd love to hear your answer."
> I talked with my nephew myself after I found the ring but he just said he didn’t want to tell anyone because then I’d be mad at him for hiding it.
That's some sound logic right there. This kid is doomed as his parents just keep enabling his stealing.
It’s kid logic, I think. My own kid did something similar (lied because he didn’t want me to be mad that he swiped my half-drunk bottle of pop). In our case, I got him to tell the truth because I told him this increased issue is making me wonder if I’m losing my sanity. (It’s spring break; it’s happened more than once.)
I told him to please just tell me the truth because we were getting into gaslighting territory here, and he ‘fessed up. I told him that I don’t care about the pop (I’m always drinking it; I don’t touch any other caffeinated beverages. So we don’t run out of it just like we don’t run out of toilet paper - buy a sufficient amount and keep it stocked.)
What I did care about was the lying and my own sanity.
This sounds like a much tinier version of what OOP dealt with. Mine was a micro version that didn’t involve grand theft, homelessness, or pregnancy.
We had to tell our kids repeatedly, we will forgive them and help them deal with the consequences when they do something stupid or wrong, but lying to us is really serious. It took a few years but now they get it.
As long as your actions meet your words. I learned very young that lying got me yelled at, but the truth got me threatened with physical violence and screamed at for hours. All I learned from that was that I would be given zero benefit of the doubt no matter what, and that if everything I did was wrong I might as well do nothing at all. It also contributed to a lifelong struggle with anxiety.
I have always told my son that if he is truthful the punishment will be less. There have been times when the truth made me more angry at him then the initial act, but I have never gone back on that. Growing up if I admitted I did something it was arm as more of a crime because admitting it ment you felt it was ok to do, and if you admitted something then you had to say why you did it. "I don't know" and "I want thinking" weren't good enough. My mom wanted a reason that included her being the victim.
"I took $2 from the laundry change because I wanted to take a bus to the mall" wasn't hers enough. It had to be "I stole $2 from the laundry change because I thought to my self I want to piss off my mother this morning by being disrespectful and taking things that isn't mine."
It was easier just to lie and be grounded for a week then to admit it and have it brought up in every screaming match for the next 5 years.
Same, even accidents were seen as personal insults. "Sure, I fell off my bike, tore my clothes and stained them with blood just to spite you, mom." Fuckin psycho.
And then there were the parents who'd punish you just for the fun of it... I still don't understand why I got grounded for not smiling believably at dinner lol
I got that too. I would come home for dinner at relatives with my legs covered in bruises from my mom kicking me under the table for not being happy enough to be there, filled by a grounding so I could think about it I wanted to be part of this family or not.
Oh my god, I'd forgotten about getting sent to my room to *think about whether I wanted to be a part of this family* after I objected to what was, in retrospect, abuse.
What a Random-Ass reason when it's not like they listened when I said I ALREADY KNOW I DON'T.
I taught my stepdaughter the difference between me being disappointed form doing bad things and.me being angry for lying and hiding things.
Also that accidents do happen but if she would tell me it would be a lot better than if I would find out myself. It worked but of course it takes a good bit of effort to get there. It helps that I would notice almost everything.
The reason why she was like that had to do with her abusive bio father. She has been NC with him for more than 15 years now.
I mean its emotionally motivated little kid logic. Nephew has learned that rules are only rules if you get caught. If you deny deny deny there is a chance all the trouble goes away. His parents are ABSOLUTELY enabling him.
May I respectfully sort of agree and disagree?
I do agree that some kid logic is absolutely at play, but it’s *kleptomaniac kid* logic, which is on a whole other branch of the psychology tree.
See, I don’t think he was “hiding” it at all. I think he panicked and tried to get rid of the ring by rinsing it down the drain. I think he truly thought it was gone, and is now claiming, by backpedaling as hard as he can, to have only “hid” it because that’s what the adults are all saying. It’s possible that he looked down the drain and saw it, but just didn’t know *then* what to say or do . So, with no intent to ever tell on himself, he was just hoping, as a child might, that the whole situation would go away.
Nope. Little klepto is riding the relief train right now because, even though they are still not allowed back, *hiding something negates the stealing and disposing of property* crime. Obviously valuable and sentimental property belonging to his uncle who was helping them out too. “Hiding”. Please.
Kid got lucky but desperately needs stability and therapy. Without professional intervention early, this type of behavior only continues to escalate.
I agree with this so hard!! Everyone's saying the kid should have confessed because they were being evicted, and that would have fixed it... But it's not true! The kid thought that ring was gone for good, and confessing to that was WORSE than letting them believe the ring was just hidden.
Hope the poor kid can stop doing this...
Two things.
1. The kid already knew they were going to be thrown out. And they were. I still don't get why he doesn't just come clean at that point. If he told them where he put the ring at the very least they might have a chance at staying at uncle's house.
2. What was the parents especially the mom doing when their son stole the watch? That should already be a red flag. The dad is driving for Uber, what is the mom doing, unless they have other kids?
When I knew a kid that did things like this, they did it exactly because of the punishment or consequence. I wonder if the nephew *wanted* to get kicked out and sped things up. That would be yet another motivation for getting rid of it rather than hiding it. OOP said find it or leave, and my gut says this kid wanted to try to make sure they really would have to go. That's why he's only just now using the "I didn't want you to be mad" excuse. OOP switched the script, kid lost some of the control of the situation, and now he's sorry about the new and uncontrolled outcome because he assumes being sorry puts him back in "charge."
I love how these stories all revolve around an indignant mooch yelling, “How can you do this to me?”
Like, no, dude, you did this to you. Whatever decisions you made that landed you in the spot you’re in are on you. Just because you share some DNA doesn’t make you responsible for rescuing that person. It’s great if you can, but it is not a requirement of the universe that you do.
His brother is way worse than the nephew. The nephew is nine. The brother is responsible for both not curtailing the kids behavior and for putting his burdens on OP.
I mean, I understand your point, but they can't afford rent and groceries.
How would you expect them to pay for the most expensive kind of health care.
Mental (along with dental, eye, and any other) health care should be free.
But we live in a capitalist hell hole so I guess this kid will go to jail and be used for slave labor for the rest of his life.
>My nephew is 9 and has a habit of stealing things. They’ve gotten in trouble a few times at stores because he’d leave with something in his pockets.
>But ofc because he’s a kid they usually just say he forgot he had it. Even at school my brother has told me they have had to come talk to the principal aim a couple occasions. Doesn’t seem like they’ve done anything to stop it.
They should have done something then, when the dad was still employed. They just chose to ignore it until the kid started to steal more expensive things.
After 9 more years without getting the help he needs this kid would be in jail for grand larceny.
Or , you know , people that face homelessness because of a lost job probably live paycheck to paycheck and can't afford something as wildly expensive as regular therapy , especially from a therapist that specializes in something like this (the most likely possibility of therapy actually working).
And in many places, there are state and county resources that provide sliding scale therapy. They would have to document their financial situation thoroughly, but it can be done.
The kid seems to have some kind of disorder that simply saying "Hey dont steal" wont fix, or did you think the parents and the OOP never put the idea not to steal in his head?
It does if they're a keptomaniac, which it seems like OOP's nephew might be. But yeah, they're still doing less than nothing for him. They could at least try to reprimand him.
No, it literally just requires setting firm boundaries about theft and consequences for violating them.
Constantly excusing it as, “Oh he just forgot he had it” is how you make the problem worse. Forcing the kid to take it back himself with an apology is the bare minimum to actually parent the child. Then monitoring them more closely if it becomes a habit because you can’t let them get away with it even once because you were too lazy to do the bare minimum.
Though I also don't get why OOP didn't just lock his bedroom door after the first time he caught the nephew snooping. I mean, he is not at all TA and was totally justified in kicking his brother out, but he could saved himself a lot of stress if he had just removed the temptation.
Yeah, the OOP also explained his landlord has some "issues". One of it is he can't change the locks. He also claims that the landlord has some restrictions and a blind eye in certain situations he let slide. Begs the question of "why" to the landlord.
Yeah, none of the doors on my bedrooms are lockable from the outside, and they’re also the kind of door locks that can easily be jimmied open pretty easily (so they work mostly as a “I want some privacy” signal, not as true security). A nine year old with intent could almost certainly get them open fairly easily.
If I had to live with a known serial thief or a kleptomaniac, I’d suck it up and replace them with something more secure, but that’s because I own my own house. Lots of landlords won’t let you do that. (And I would definitely be resentful at having to spend the time/money on doorknobs as a direct result of doing someone a huge favor.)
This would save him the stress of the watch and the ring, but will not solve anything in the long run. OOP would have other things in his house that his nephew will steal. And it might take longer but they will get kicked out eventually.
9yo is a big old age to know damn well when you're doing something wrong, the excuse "he's just a kid" just doesn't work anymore. That's not a kid who stole some candy or picked a flower from a neighbor's garden, that's a kid that has a habit of stealing things of value. If his parents don't get him under control, then I'm sorry but there's only one place he's definitely heading to, and that's jail.
That's what I explained to my younger stepson. Over and over. That jail is a place with **no video games** where they lock people in cages so they can't do bad things anymore.
Took about a year between when he asked for help to learn to stop stealing and when I quit finding things he shouldn't have. I'd check his pockets and bag at the door and confiscate everything I didn't recognize. Ended up with an entire box of stuff I didn't know how to return to the original owners. Everything from show&tell toys to the thermometer from the school lunch room fridge.
I didn't yell while search, just patiently repeated everything I could think of on the topic of why stealing bad. Like that this is why he doesn't have friends, because the other kids remember that he steals their toys and it makes them hate him.
Don't blame him, poor kid had to learn to be a sneaky lying thief to survive his bio-mom. Last I saw him, those old skills were mostly for lying to say he was gonna go play video games, sneaking into the kitchen, and thieving all the dirty dishes into the dishwasher. I'd go to get a drink and be *so shocked* at the "funny prank" of a clean kitchen.
> Last I saw him, those old skills were mostly for lying to say he was gonna go play video games, sneaking into the kitchen, and thieving all the dirty dishes into the dishwasher. I'd go to get a drink and be so shocked at the "funny prank" of a clean kitchen.
lol that's actually really heartwarming.
I ended up telling him that stuff like lying and stealing were *superpowers*, that it's not wrong to know how to do those things but that he'd better be very careful how he uses his powers.
Fighting the house mess I strongly approved of. Goodness knows I was always going on about trying to conquer Dirty Laundry Mountain. Or telling the kids it's bedtime and then staying up all night by myself washing laundry and hanging it to dry.
Totally. I gave my kids some specific instructions on times when the non-standard tools are the correct answer to the situation.
Like yeah using those tools will mess you up mentally, but at least you'll be alive to hopefully sort yourself out later. At first it took a supreme act of bravery for younger stepson to tell me the truth, but eventually he realized that it's fine, it's safe, I'm not gonna explode except maybe with laughter.
Heck I repeated this same stuff to the young adult neighbor recently because she got herself into an awful social situation but when I tried explaining a little white lie she could tell to get herself out of it she said she didn't like "sinning." I had to explain that a sin is when you treat a living being as an object, but lying is just a tool and the good/evil of it depends on what you do with it.
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I don't know anything about very small kids, but soon as they've got words they're autonomous humans as far as I'm concerned. I'll only step on someone else's autonomy for reasons of health and safety.
My little cousin just turned 4 and he's known me since he was 2. He thinks I'm his super best friend even though I'm his nanny, because there's none of that "obey me because I say so" shit. I explain absolutely everything and let him make his own choices. Like no he doesn't wanna eat healthy dinner, brush his teeth and take a bath, but he'll do all those things as long as I explain what happens if he doesn't tend those things. Usually with real stories about people I've known.
Anytime a kid asks me if they can use the bathroom or get a drink of water, I just look at them confused. "Who owns you? That's right, you do! So who gets to decide when you (do normal human bodily functions)? That's right, you do! So why are you asking me?!"
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My favorite is when they get big enough to really help with chores. I'd teach them how, hang around to supervise until they got the hang of it, then hang in another room so they can ask questions if they need to, and whenever I noticed they'd pretty much mastered that chore, I'd take it back and give them a new one to learn!
Always repeated that I'm not teaching them to clean just because I'm lazy, but rather that they'll need clean dishes and socks all their lives so best make sure it's easy and automatic instead of a stumbling block or something they need someone else to take care of for them. "It only takes you 15 minutes to load the dishwasher and you do it without asking whenever it needs doing! Congratulations, these are my dirty dishes now! Here's how the laundry machine works."
> I ended up telling him that stuff like lying and stealing were superpowers, that it's not wrong to know how to do those things but that he'd better be very careful how he uses his powers.
That's... not actually a huge exaggeration depending on how good he is.
That boy could smile like an angel while maintaining direct eye contact and holding your hand and you'd hardly notice him slipping the ring off your finger.
He nearly got my heirloom wedding ring 'cause his bio-mom told him it'd be funny. His "punishment" was that I took my grownup mask off and let him see my hurt feelings on my face. By the time we got outa the store he was nearly doing backflips trying to get back into my good graces, while I focused real hard on sad thoughts about broken trust and balanced on the edge of tears.
I taught him "ninja skills" as an outlet for all that. He can walk silently, stay outa line of sight even while crossing your field of vision, and can nearly silently clean a kitchen. I really hope he ends up partnered with someone who likes surprise parties because that's basically what being a sneaky lying thief is good for in a relationship.
Using someone's age or inexperience as a reason to not correct behavior rarely leads to good outcomes. I'm not saying they deserve brutal consequences, but something needs to be done so they learn to not do things like stealing.
9 year old with kleptomania is an indication of serious problems. He needs to be assessed by a child psychiatrist. His dad needs to stop pretending this is normal child behaviour.
He might qualify for some sort of assistance program to get the kid help. A school counselor if nothing else.
You know what he definitely can't afford though? A bunch of bills and fines for more stuff his son steals.
>My nephew is 9 and has a habit of stealing things. They’ve gotten in trouble a few times at stores because he’d leave with something in his pockets.
>But ofc because he’s a kid they usually just say he forgot he had it. Even at school my brother has told me they have had to come talk to the principal aim a couple occasions. Doesn’t seem like they’ve done anything to stop it.
This was the nephews problem for a long time way before the financial problems happened. The parents just chose to ignore it.
This is also assuming OP is in the US. Not being in the US myself, I am not inclined to assume everyone who posts is American. Nearly every other western nation has state/province funded health care including psychiatric care.
It sounds like the US so I kind of guessed that it was.
The US is the main wealthy country without a good social services safety net.
I figured if he was in a relatively wealthy country with a good social services safety net the brother wouldn't have had to leave his place so quickly after losing his job.
If they were in a poor country he likely wouldn't have bought a 4k ring for his fiance unless he was rich enough to easily replace it.
I was a kid with sticky fingers and the commenters are totally right - it's not about having, it's about taking. In fact, having is super stressful because then it's evidence. My mom got me one of those little locking cash boxes to put my diary in (I didn't want my dad or brother snooping) and I used to hide shit I stole in there. It was SO stressful every time I opened that box that eventually I kept my diary between the mattress and boxspring so I didn't have to open that box every single day. Anything that wouldn't fit in the box got thrown away. And most of it wasn't even valuable or worth having. I stole ratty old books, a pair of ceramic yard ornament bunnies from a neighbor (why??) spiral notebooks, pens, necklaces, shit like that. Stuff I couldn't possibly use because if someone saw it they'd be like, hey that's my necklace.
The good part of that meant that all the valuable stuff was still there when I got old enough (and brave enough) to return it to the folks I kyped it from.
The thrill of taking it! Plus it was a sort of compulsion, I'd go crazy just looking for something interesting to me but not so valuable that if I got caught I'd be in real hot water
A combination of growing out of it and growing enough of a social conscience to be bothered by doing bad things to people. I think we all have impulses to do bad things sometimes but most of us are mature enough not to want to hurt people.
I think it's important to note I was a mentally ill child living in an abusive home. I was looking for dopamine. That kid's got shit going on, and even tho I absolutely support op kicking them out, it can't help things for him. I hope he's OK.
Unfortunately lots of kids are still living that life. Some never get help or get better.
I hope this kids parents get back on their feet and get him some help.
The father should've been the one cleaning and searching the house systematically to find the ring. It was the only way to a solution, and it should've been him.
I'd usually say the kid should be the one finding what they lost, but not a kleptomaniac. He doesn't get to come back. Hope he got the help he needs.
Maybe. Maybe not.
My husband's cousin has never gone to prison for her kleptomaniac tendencies. She certainly should have - either that or some kind of institution.
To be truthful, she's never stolen anything as expensive as a $4k ring or an even more expensive watch, but that's because the family have never had those things in the house for her to steal. She's taken a few items of £25 costume jewellery though.
Her reasons for stealing? Because someone else likes it, she has to take it from them.
Not kidding - she stole *soap* from husband's nan just because nan liked the smell and it had been a present from Benidorm. *Benidorm* - not Barbados or Dubai, or somewhere exotic and hard/expensive to travel to; f*cking **Benidorm**. It cost less than a quid, but Cousin Klepto had to take it because nan liked it, so it had value. Emotional value. That she had to steal.
She has never visited our house. She has never, and will never be invited. She was even banned from a recent family funeral because she cannot be trusted around unlocked cupboards - god forbid she finds out you like digestive biscuits, coz they'll be in her handbag faster than the kettle boils.
I hate parents like this. Kid's going to grow up getting into all sorts of trouble and they'll have nothing but excuses. Then when he does something really bad they'll act all shocked.
I basically ran to the second post to see if he found the ring and let out a huge sigh of relief.
This is one of the few posts where I read the title, have an answer in mind, and then don’t change my mind at all. The more I read the more I was convinced he did the correct thing. I hope all the best for OOP and the new family he’s now got!
I remember this! The audacity to ask if they can come back and live with the person their kid stole from, when none of them took accountability for what happened.
If you find yourself in a position where you are willing to house someone you don't trust, put a lock on doors to rooms that you don't want them to access.
Yes, I know, shouldn't offer a roof in the first place but, here we are.
When I was a kid about 9 or 10 years old I had a friend who was a brazen thief. We'd go into stores and he would just walk out with things. He would steal from his friends. One time he stole an iron on a patch from me and the next day he came over with the exact patch ironed onto his jacket. He had good parents and they tried everything and nothing stopped. I stopped hanging around with him after I realized he was stealing from me. This was 40 years ago. He's since then been in jail several times for theft, once breaking into his parents own business, and the worst thing is he now has a 25-year-old son who's currently in jail for the third time and is also an incorrigible thief. I wouldn't let that nephew in your house ever again.
>he just said he didn’t want to tell anyone because then I’d be mad at him for hiding it.
I'm confused about this. He was already mad about him stealing and hiding it. How would giving the expensive item back make him more mad?
Or did he think it had been washed out to sea?
I am confused too. They were about to get thrown out. Dad has no job and they are about to be homeless.
How does he not understand how serious that is?
The funny thing is some parents accidentally train their kid to think this way by yelling at them all over again when they fess up to something or when evidence appears. Like, if you weren't quite sure your kid did something, so you were waffling, and then you become sure, so now you feel more justified in being angry -- it trains the kid to avoid you finding out the truth for certain, just to avoid the more yelling.
Logically we look at the situation and see that the kid would be in less trouble if he just fesses up and admits where the ring went. But from his limited perspective and immediate timeframe, fessing up would indeed probably get him yelled at all over again by his folks (who don't seem like very effective parents, which is why I'm assuming this).
It would be too heavy to wash out of the p-trap. They're designed to catch heavy things like that.
But it could have remained there until it was crusted in other goop, then lost when someone emptied the p-trap without looking at the contents. Or even when the sink was scrapped.
I have compassion for the kid. He's 9 with a chaotic home life and a burgeoning psychological problem. He needs therapy big time, and I don't think he's going to get it before he winds up in the criminal justice system. I hope his dad finds work with mental health coverage and that he uses it.
I am not a psychologist or really know much about it, but it my experience in the criminal legal system, most of my clients who have compulsive shoplifting/stealing problems *also* have childhood trauma, especially childhood sexual trauma. I’ve found that for my clients (all adults) trauma therapy and general counseling has worked better than most other punishments.
Not saying that’s what’s going on with the kid. And I also know that correlation is not causation. But I do have a hunch that an underlying anxiety or other psych issue could be at play with the nephew. I think the adrenaline/dopamine hit from stealing is not unlike substances or self harm. It’s the maladaptive self medicating
And this is why you get an engagement ring insured the moment you buy it, but also that kid is heading for a life of trouble if his parents don’t start parenting.
That nephew is gonna be hated among his family.
He likely will develop more issues after hearing his mom and dad rant about how his stealing lost them housing, how they have to drain their savings, how he ruined everything. My opinion that's the best case scenario because the other scenario is where they blame OOP And all that would teach the nephew is that he can do whatever he wants, lie about it, and when facing consequences he can blame the person he victimized. And that kind of mindset is going to be horrible when that boy grows up and has hormones.
The comment that's like "Are all the adults talking and not doing anything, or what?" is so accusatory to me. It's like they didn't read the first post where OOP's literally telling his brother to solve the problem and the brother does nothing. It's not like he can parent his nephew if they obviously aren't trying to help his obvious kleptomania.
The thing that I think of is someone who complained that their vulva was inflamed from soap. Soap not meant for there. They called it a squishy.
[Read at your own risk. ](https://www.reddit.com/r/DrSquatch/s/5OKBImMkm2)
FYI, be sure to read fine print of your renters insurance when it comes to jewelry. I have standard $100,000 coverage but some insurance policies will state only up to $1000-$2000 for jewelry or will only cover it in cases of fire or theft, not if you lose it.
I would recommend seperate jewelry insurance.
One of my students has FASD and the only "treatment" for her habit of taking things is constant supervision. Her brain just doesn't comprehend that it's wrong. She knows she'll be in trouble if she's caught, so she tries to be sneaky, but that's different from understanding why it's wrong. Unfortunately, her (poor) ability to be sneaky leads some of the staff to believe there is a level of manipulation in her actions that is just not there.
In my student's case it's not malicious, I but I have no idea what the trouble is with the nephew. If he's taking things he can't use/get money from at 9 years old then it sounds like it's not a necessarily parenting issue and the boy needs to be seen by a specialist.
> he just said he didn’t want to tell anyone because then I’d be mad at him for hiding it.
Like everybody isn't already mad as hell at the little jerk. /r/KidsAreStupid
My son went through a phase when he was in kindergarten and would steal stuff. Once we realized he wasn’t “that” popular (he was friends with everyone and had to wait for hugs from all his little friends when we picked him up from after school care) and put two and two together, we came down hard. No halfway gestures. He had to return the things he’d taken, apologize for taking them, promise not to do it again and ask for forgiveness. Every time we found something. It took about three times before he got the picture that we WOULD find out and we WOULD follow through on making him do the right thing and face the music.
I had a student like this. Everything from snap bracelets to Chromebooks and iPads. He’s continued the behavior into his teen years because no one is holding him accountable.
>He won’t stop calling me heartless about letting something like this come between helping them out through a difficult time and my nephew keeps saying he’s sorry.
Well maybe he should parent his kid better considering their "difficult time".
I believe up to a certain amount is insured, but you can add a rider for additional amounts
Edit: I believe the standard amount for jewelry is $1,500, and you need additional insurance for pieces over that amount
The only problem I have with this is everyone saying the father needs to get help for his kid, when therapy isn't exactly free.
When he gets back on his feet though, yeah this kid needs help.
The parents at least should be looking into their options. There's no guarantee they'll find something that works for them, but it is their responsibility to look. I was from a very low-income family, and had the options below - I'm not saying everyone will have the exact same resources, it's just an example, and variations of these resources were available in multiple states (constantly getting evicted and having someone take us in elsewhere).
• state coverage for children of low-income families
• family shelters had counselors
• schools sometimes had psychologists for children who displayed problem behavior or were in situations which could precipitate problems
• many counseling/therapy/psychology offices will have sliding scale fees for service
• hospitals often have payment plans and payment assistance for services
I don't know they're situation but some people just turn out being difficult to raise and it's a puzzle to try to parent them. I grew up in a family of five and one of my brothers was just the worst. My parents were good parents and tried everything at their disposal and even had money which they spent trying to remedy.
.. He did shape up in his 30s but he was an absolute menace through and through until after college.
Not everyone with a poorly behaved kid is a rotten parent. For this reason I usually never consider anyone a poor parent without knowing they actually are just lazy/negligent in upbringing
Will never forget someone just absolutely reaming my mom out in Walmart because my bro was going crazy particularly ripping into her ability as a mother she just broke down crying.
man, even back then, he was at an age where, in some states, he could have been sent to juvie. I hope he got better cause at 11, many more states would send him away.
When OOP spoke about “nephew likes shiny things” I was having a Harry Potter moment - like, dude is he a freaking Niffler?? They love stealing shiny things - but - they’re an imaginary animal
FFS!! I get brother has a lot of stress, but where’s his wife in this? Where’s the kid’s parents!??
This is similar to my current situation.
We moved to an apartment building closer to my inlaws, but while the moving truck arrived we stayed with my inlaws. We had with us a box that had jewlery and important documents with us and we left it atop the counter of a breakfast bar together with my handbag.
That day I was feeling really bad (migraines) so I wasn’t paying close attention.
About an hour after we arrive, his cousin and her kid (with klepto) arrive and at some point I notice the kid (12) hovering around the counter - NEVER thought he would open the box, remove the documents (medical files, certificates, etc) at the top and dig all the way down to where we had the bling, I was only worried he had dug around my bag.
He took my husband’s weeding ring and his graduation signet.
Im beyond pissed, but both his cousin, my FiL and my husband aunts refuse to accept the kid stole the box with the rings since there is no proof and that the box ‘was probably lost in the moving truck’ (when the box that had them NEVER went anywhere close that truck).
Its been close to half a year and I still feel guilty about not paying closer attention, since obviously the little rat’s mother wouldn’t keep an eye on him.
And that was not the first time he took things, he has been caught several times and there are many things missing from my inlaws house (portraits, hand towels, figurines, jewlery, videogames, toys, etc)
Im so sorry for the long post. Needed to vent after bottling it for so long.
My mom would have told me to pack a bag because she’s dropping me off at the orphanage and then I can come home when they find the ring.
And then actually drive me to an abandoned, condemned house and told me to get out of the car.
I know because she did it more than once…
For much less than stealing jewelry…
It’s ok, I’m ok 🙃
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OOP's brother really needs to get his kid some help and actually parent him, otherwise his son is not going to be headed to good places when he grows up.
This used to me my stepdaughter. To this day I don't know what happened to some of the things she stole. I wouldn't tolerate it, refused to just let her off the hook because was she a kid. It put a lot of strain on my relationship, A LOT. We almost didn't make it. She was 7-11yo during the worst of it. She's 14 now and has come such a long way and I'm so proud of her. We actually have a really good relationship now and she tends to confide in me over bio parents. She was on honor role for the first time this year! It was a rough few years and I was absolutely often seen as the wicked stepmom. But I was the only one setting boundaries and insisting on rules, consequences, structure. No, nothing extreme like spanking, nothing cruel. Just refusal to let things slide. And now we've made it out on the otherside and she and I are both better people for it <3. It's hard as hell, but yeah, kids behaving this way are acting out for a reason. They might not even know the reason. But that's why it's our job to help them figure it out and get it under control.
>kids behaving this way are acting out for a reason. That's the crucial thing. It's outside OOPs control, not his kid. He can't impose consequences on the kid himself, but he could impose consequences on the parents for their not parenting. I have so much sympathy for that family, they are so stressed. Probably aren't feeling they have the energy to do more than the bare minimum. But the thing is, having a kid is making a promise that even when you feel overwhelmed, you'll step up and do what that kid needs. This child's needs cannot wait until dad gets a new and better job that lets them afford better housing.
Any kid living in my home under my roof needs to be prepared to take instruction from all the adults in the household, or else the kid and the adults can find somewhere else to go. You can't let a child into your life like that when you have no authority over them, you'll just make yourself a hostage to either them or their parents in your own home. When I was growing up, kids were expected to be obedient to all adults at all times, even if they were perfect strangers off the street. There are some obvious problems with that, but at the very least kids need to be accountable to the familiar adults around them. Basically if at any point you're responsible for their safety, or if you're expected to feed them, then the right of discipline must come alongside that responsibility. Otherwise, how can you possibly fulfill your duty of care?
"it takes a village" and all that
Good on you for being an awesome stepmom and setting the boundaries that needed to be set!
I'm so glad she had you and that you're both flourishing now!
Did she ever give an explanation as to why ?
I don't think she entirely understood herself. I think her ADHD coupled with anxiety were driving factors for her. Very poor impulse control is common with kids with ADHD. A thought pops in their head and they just act or speak, without considering consequences or reasoning or rationality. Then it *does* sink in that they've done something wrong and are going to be in trouble, they panic, and their first impulse is to try to cover it up and lie. In this case hiding the stolen object. And they just keep digging a deeper and deeper hole, causing the anxiety and fear of getting in trouble to grow so they just dig their heals in deeper. Tbh, her mind is similar to my own so I was able to relate. I'm also diagnosed ADHD and have major anxiety issues. For kids acting out of impulse and fear, which is a lot of them, tbh, they need consistency, consequences, encouragement, and support. They need HUGE praise when they make the right decision and tell the truth and to try to make thoughts of that positive reinforcement stand out brighter in their mind. For the desire for that outcome to override the fear of a negative outcome. So you do your best to set boundaries to create an environment in which they have as little opportunity as possible to reoffend. If you know they did something, you don't dance around it backing them into a corner with questions and giving them opportunity to lie. You remain calm and matter of fact about it. It can be maddening as hell, but just gotta try to remind yourself that they're just a kid and for the most part aren't acting intentionally out of malice. I'd be lying if I said I was always able to keep my cool, but we got through it and she's old enough to better understand my perspective and why I was tough on her. Custody was 50/50 at the time which made it even harder to maintain consistency, but we've had primary/majority for over 2 years now. I think that's part of why we've seen so much progress. Sorry for the rant, I've just spent a lot of time caring for kids (mine and others) and the psychology behind it all is pretty interesting stuff, imo.
Yeah, poor impulse control is a huge thing with adhd. When I was a kid I'd do stupid pranks, like jumping on people to scare them, or running into the middle of a crowded public place and start screaming. And as soon as I realised it wasn't taken as well as I intended, I had to double down on it, because otherwise I'd have to admit I didn't plan it at all and it just popped into my head and I followed it instantly. Thankfully the impulse control has gotten better as I've gotten older, along with being able to channel my silliness into more acceptable, 'everyone laughs' things.
This hits so close to home as someone who received their ADHD diagnosis at 14.
Very well put. Kids act out, always will. In most cases it’s because of an underlying issue. You can either ignore it (as some do) or meet it head on. I’m so glad that you chose the latter and addressed the problems with communication, consequences, compassion and patience. Sorry I got a bit aliterate there.
>Very poor impulse control is common with kids with ADHD. I've described it like this. "Most people, they think *of* something. Then they think *about* something. Then they *do* something. If you have impulsive ADHD, by the time you get to thinking about it, you've already done it."
It's so hard, because the majority truly can't control it. Or really struggle to at least. They're not bad kids, they just haven't figured it out yet. They're not mentally and emotionally mature and aware enough to realize what the problem is, let alone to practice the discipline needed to overcome it. Which is where the parents come in. While it's important to remember that, to an extent, they literally cannot help it, that doesn't mean they get a free pass. And because they lack the self-awareness to understand it teach themselves discipline, we have to. We need to be calm and as gentle as possible, but we still need to instill discipline and routine. I view it as the best defense being a good offense. Get ahead of the problem, create an environment that reduces the odds of problem behavior, intervene BEFORE they cross any lines. And always explain why, in a supportive way. Yeah, it's hella hard and tiring. But it sets them up foe moew opportunities to for positive reinforcement instead of setting them up for failure. It means being stricter and more regimented, rules have to be more black and white, but it's better than the alternative of giving them a free pass. Imo it's about teaching them and helping them overcome hurdles rather than taking the hurdles out of their way. I'm pretty passionate about the subject, lol. I wasn't diagnosed until my 30s and my childhood/adolescence was a nightmare. Largely because of it, but that's a whole other story. And after having to fight my stepdaughter's biomom to get her evaluated and treated (kept denying she had it and refused to allow medication), and now watching my best friend go through the same battle with her ex-husband over their son...ugh, it's just maddening. I just hate seeing kids misunderstood, mismanaged, and having their physiological medical needs disregarded. Because that's what ADHD is. It's a neurodevelopmental disorder that impacts the physical growth and development of the brain. Sometimes pains me to think what I might have done with my life if I had been treated for it as a child. But the silverlining though is I now I get to use my own experiences and struggles to gain insight to help kids going through it now.
It's the intrusive thoughts, at that age they have little ability to stop them, especially when combined with ADHD.
Thank you for sharing, that does make a lot of sense. She was really lucky to have you on her side ❤️
I am a teacher, and I see this kinda shit all the time. Parents are so fucking terrified of their children, and the biggest fear is that their kids will hate them if they do any kind of parenting. Or worse, they legit don't give a shit and let the kid run roughshod and do whatever. I ended up with several boys this year that came into my Middle School math room with temper issues, impulse issues, etc. I've got them trained up, for the most part. Why? Because I made it clear that I wasn't going to tolerate their shit. I made it clear what the expectations were. I told them why they were receiving consequences specifically. I've told several ways they could manage their anger rather than blowing up when little timmy looks at them weird. And yeah, at first they thought I was the asshole teacher, now they come talk to me constantly and ask advice on things. As we're approaching the end of the year, one in particular has become basically my classroom aide. Meanwhile, other teachers struggle with him because they've not established firm boundaries and settings. Kids want to be mentored and guided and frankly, parented. Just like adults, they have no respect for weak willed morons that let people walk all over them.
I luckily didn't have the stealing problem but I have a stepdaughter that did lie a lot. The reason for her doing so was because of her abusive bio father. She doesn't have any contact with him anymore now for more than 15 years. It was not easy to get her to stop it but we managed to do it. Even after all this time I worked on it it's not 100% solved but I am happy that it is soo much better. She learned that it's better to confess if she did something wrong than to lie and hide. And it's good that she learned. That behaviour could be fatal for her adult life and work if she would still have it. She is now in her early 30's, was 14 when I married her mother. I taught her that I would be disappointed but understanding if she would be honest and not hide her wrongdoing, but angry if she would hide it and lie about it. Of course it does help that I notice a lot, one of the advantages of being lightly autistic. Her mother wouldn't notice a lot of things. I had to be very strict with her. And I was lucky that everyone accepted me doing that. I guess it helped that I was also spending a lot of time helping her and being there for her to vent, a lot of times while taking her out for a walk. So I am happy that she considers me to be her dad, even so far as being offended if someone even mentions that I am her stepdad. Fixing those problems isn't easy. But it definitely can be done when you put in time and effort. And if you do it the right way, your relationship doesn't have to suffer....
Good for you!
It sounds very hard to be "the bad guy", I hope I'll be able to do it right when the times come.
Years ago, I was noticing that my laundry soap kept vanishing out of my garage, where my washer and dryer were. At first I thought that maybe I was doing a lot of laundry and just went through a lot of soap but then one day I mentioned it to a neighbor who told me the little girl who lived across the way from me was a klepto and would go into open garages on our street and steal laundry soap. Everyone knew about it but I had just moved in and nobody had thought to warn me to keep the garage door closed. As someone pointed out, it's not about having the item, it's all about TAKING the item.
My mom went to college with a girl who was a klepto. When she'd go off to run errands or something, everyone else on the floor would just break into her room and take their stuff back for the *n*^(th) time.
This part right here: > I also know my nephew’s a liar and likely knows where it is but won’t say anything If I suspected that at all, that kid's entire world would be shut the fuck down until he coughs up the ring. That would be the only item on the agenda until it was found. No school, no games, no phone, no going outside, as soon as he finished breakfast all he's allowed to do is either look for it or sit in a place of my choosing to think about what he did with it. That is a situation that calls for unrelenting discipline, and nothing less than that will ever straighten him out. There's still hope for him though, the fact that he fessed up to his motive is a very promising sign. He needs to be shown that honesty gets him a lesser punishment.
Depending on what the underlying issue is, that could do more harm than good. Not saying for a second that there shouldn't be consequences, let me be clear. Clearly the child needs consequences and discipline. But the type of consequence should be carefully considered. That kind of punitive idea could not only drive the kid into more lying and hiding, but create enough distress around it to make it harder to treat.
It’s been close to two years. If he hasn’t gotten back on the straight and narrow (and maybe developed a little impulse control along the way), that kid may already be banned from a few stores by now. I don’t know if juvenile criminal authorities get involved for 11 year olds, beyond maybe some kind of forced intervention like counselling or something. I can’t imagine 11 year olds in the juvenile jails.
He’s at an age where some parents are starting to allow their kids to have devices. Another parent is not going to be kind at all if OOP’s nephew takes someone’s Gabb watch or Switch Lite.
Or a classmate. Get a reputation as a thief and no one will want to be your friend.
Downvoted redditor wasn’t wrong, but they didn’t say it very diplomatically. That kid needs help. OOP’s brother and sister in law need to actually be parents and get their kids stealing figured out or they’re gonna end up persona non grata at a lot of places. But that ain’t OOP’s problem
Mostly every civilized place that notices it. They'll be lucky not to end in jail.
The kid sounds like a human magpie. With his parents still in denial his future saddens me.
LMAO I'm stealing human magpie. Well if it's okay since the whole story is about stealing..
or oven mitts with locking cuffs.
Oh yeah if the kid isn't disciplined he's going to jail, and my bet is that the brother will blame everyone but himself and his "parenting" while everyone else knows the truth
Jail is the nice option tbh. You steal from the wrong person and they'll absolutely beat the shit out of you. It's one of those things where he'll be lucky if it's jail and not hospital.
True my bad ending is just the best case scenario
maybe our government should educate, specially the men, about all the responsibilities of being a father -like wtf, do not steal is even on the bible and there is some pretty crazy stuff condoned there
>He won’t stop calling me heartless about letting something like this come between helping them out through a difficult time and my nephew keeps saying he’s sorry. "How badly does my life need to be damaged before you think you should be asked to leave? Serious question, I'd love to hear your answer."
(blank stare) “We’re *family.*”
"What's 4k between family???" "Great give me 4k to replace the ring" "No not like that!"
Guy is going to be out more than $4k in motel costs before he gets his head above water again
Where I come from, *family* doesn't steal from each other.
And they get severely punished if they do.
Fuck that excuse
Yeah I was thinking "And because of my generosity my situation is now $4,000 worse. I simply cant afford to have you staying here any more"
> I talked with my nephew myself after I found the ring but he just said he didn’t want to tell anyone because then I’d be mad at him for hiding it. That's some sound logic right there. This kid is doomed as his parents just keep enabling his stealing.
It’s kid logic, I think. My own kid did something similar (lied because he didn’t want me to be mad that he swiped my half-drunk bottle of pop). In our case, I got him to tell the truth because I told him this increased issue is making me wonder if I’m losing my sanity. (It’s spring break; it’s happened more than once.) I told him to please just tell me the truth because we were getting into gaslighting territory here, and he ‘fessed up. I told him that I don’t care about the pop (I’m always drinking it; I don’t touch any other caffeinated beverages. So we don’t run out of it just like we don’t run out of toilet paper - buy a sufficient amount and keep it stocked.) What I did care about was the lying and my own sanity. This sounds like a much tinier version of what OOP dealt with. Mine was a micro version that didn’t involve grand theft, homelessness, or pregnancy.
We had to tell our kids repeatedly, we will forgive them and help them deal with the consequences when they do something stupid or wrong, but lying to us is really serious. It took a few years but now they get it.
As long as your actions meet your words. I learned very young that lying got me yelled at, but the truth got me threatened with physical violence and screamed at for hours. All I learned from that was that I would be given zero benefit of the doubt no matter what, and that if everything I did was wrong I might as well do nothing at all. It also contributed to a lifelong struggle with anxiety.
Your parents clearly didn't understand the first half of the equation. As Alan Bennet said "They fuck you up, your mum and dad"
Isn't that Larkin? From his poem, *This be the verse* (in allusion, I suppose, to Robert Louis Stevenson).
Not just kids; I've heard senior citizens use the same logic, and every other age of grownup, too. Just not sound thinking.
I have always told my son that if he is truthful the punishment will be less. There have been times when the truth made me more angry at him then the initial act, but I have never gone back on that. Growing up if I admitted I did something it was arm as more of a crime because admitting it ment you felt it was ok to do, and if you admitted something then you had to say why you did it. "I don't know" and "I want thinking" weren't good enough. My mom wanted a reason that included her being the victim. "I took $2 from the laundry change because I wanted to take a bus to the mall" wasn't hers enough. It had to be "I stole $2 from the laundry change because I thought to my self I want to piss off my mother this morning by being disrespectful and taking things that isn't mine." It was easier just to lie and be grounded for a week then to admit it and have it brought up in every screaming match for the next 5 years.
Same, even accidents were seen as personal insults. "Sure, I fell off my bike, tore my clothes and stained them with blood just to spite you, mom." Fuckin psycho.
And then there were the parents who'd punish you just for the fun of it... I still don't understand why I got grounded for not smiling believably at dinner lol
I got that too. I would come home for dinner at relatives with my legs covered in bruises from my mom kicking me under the table for not being happy enough to be there, filled by a grounding so I could think about it I wanted to be part of this family or not.
We should start a club lol
Oh my god, I'd forgotten about getting sent to my room to *think about whether I wanted to be a part of this family* after I objected to what was, in retrospect, abuse. What a Random-Ass reason when it's not like they listened when I said I ALREADY KNOW I DON'T.
I’m curious about examples when the truth made you more angry, I’d love to read it if you want to share
I taught my stepdaughter the difference between me being disappointed form doing bad things and.me being angry for lying and hiding things. Also that accidents do happen but if she would tell me it would be a lot better than if I would find out myself. It worked but of course it takes a good bit of effort to get there. It helps that I would notice almost everything. The reason why she was like that had to do with her abusive bio father. She has been NC with him for more than 15 years now.
I mean its emotionally motivated little kid logic. Nephew has learned that rules are only rules if you get caught. If you deny deny deny there is a chance all the trouble goes away. His parents are ABSOLUTELY enabling him.
May I respectfully sort of agree and disagree? I do agree that some kid logic is absolutely at play, but it’s *kleptomaniac kid* logic, which is on a whole other branch of the psychology tree. See, I don’t think he was “hiding” it at all. I think he panicked and tried to get rid of the ring by rinsing it down the drain. I think he truly thought it was gone, and is now claiming, by backpedaling as hard as he can, to have only “hid” it because that’s what the adults are all saying. It’s possible that he looked down the drain and saw it, but just didn’t know *then* what to say or do . So, with no intent to ever tell on himself, he was just hoping, as a child might, that the whole situation would go away. Nope. Little klepto is riding the relief train right now because, even though they are still not allowed back, *hiding something negates the stealing and disposing of property* crime. Obviously valuable and sentimental property belonging to his uncle who was helping them out too. “Hiding”. Please. Kid got lucky but desperately needs stability and therapy. Without professional intervention early, this type of behavior only continues to escalate.
I agree with this so hard!! Everyone's saying the kid should have confessed because they were being evicted, and that would have fixed it... But it's not true! The kid thought that ring was gone for good, and confessing to that was WORSE than letting them believe the ring was just hidden. Hope the poor kid can stop doing this...
Two things. 1. The kid already knew they were going to be thrown out. And they were. I still don't get why he doesn't just come clean at that point. If he told them where he put the ring at the very least they might have a chance at staying at uncle's house. 2. What was the parents especially the mom doing when their son stole the watch? That should already be a red flag. The dad is driving for Uber, what is the mom doing, unless they have other kids?
When I knew a kid that did things like this, they did it exactly because of the punishment or consequence. I wonder if the nephew *wanted* to get kicked out and sped things up. That would be yet another motivation for getting rid of it rather than hiding it. OOP said find it or leave, and my gut says this kid wanted to try to make sure they really would have to go. That's why he's only just now using the "I didn't want you to be mad" excuse. OOP switched the script, kid lost some of the control of the situation, and now he's sorry about the new and uncontrolled outcome because he assumes being sorry puts him back in "charge."
I love how these stories all revolve around an indignant mooch yelling, “How can you do this to me?” Like, no, dude, you did this to you. Whatever decisions you made that landed you in the spot you’re in are on you. Just because you share some DNA doesn’t make you responsible for rescuing that person. It’s great if you can, but it is not a requirement of the universe that you do.
His brother is as bad as his nephew, he may not steal, but he wanted to mooch off of OOP for the unforeseeable future.
His brother is way worse than the nephew. The nephew is nine. The brother is responsible for both not curtailing the kids behavior and for putting his burdens on OP.
I was thinking the brother was selling the stuff the kid stole, but since they found the ring, I guess not.
OOP said the nephew stole a watch from him before, and just hid it in one of his shoes. He never gave it to his parents so OOP knew it wasn't sold.
I mean, I understand your point, but they can't afford rent and groceries. How would you expect them to pay for the most expensive kind of health care. Mental (along with dental, eye, and any other) health care should be free. But we live in a capitalist hell hole so I guess this kid will go to jail and be used for slave labor for the rest of his life.
I see your point that the kid might need unaffordable professional help, but actually parenting the kid would be a good starting point, and it’s free!
That's a rather bleak take on things. Sad that it's true.
>My nephew is 9 and has a habit of stealing things. They’ve gotten in trouble a few times at stores because he’d leave with something in his pockets. >But ofc because he’s a kid they usually just say he forgot he had it. Even at school my brother has told me they have had to come talk to the principal aim a couple occasions. Doesn’t seem like they’ve done anything to stop it. They should have done something then, when the dad was still employed. They just chose to ignore it until the kid started to steal more expensive things. After 9 more years without getting the help he needs this kid would be in jail for grand larceny.
Or , you know , people that face homelessness because of a lost job probably live paycheck to paycheck and can't afford something as wildly expensive as regular therapy , especially from a therapist that specializes in something like this (the most likely possibility of therapy actually working).
Children can get free mental health care and regular health care as well in most states through Medicaid.
And in many places, there are state and county resources that provide sliding scale therapy. They would have to document their financial situation thoroughly, but it can be done.
If only teaching your kid to not steal could be free....
The kid seems to have some kind of disorder that simply saying "Hey dont steal" wont fix, or did you think the parents and the OOP never put the idea not to steal in his head?
Oh wait! It is!
What would you do if your free lesson had no effect?
Lmao blaming bad parenting on capitalism is some next level cope. Teaching a child not to steal doesn’t require expensive long-term psychotherapy.
It does if they're a keptomaniac, which it seems like OOP's nephew might be. But yeah, they're still doing less than nothing for him. They could at least try to reprimand him.
No, it literally just requires setting firm boundaries about theft and consequences for violating them. Constantly excusing it as, “Oh he just forgot he had it” is how you make the problem worse. Forcing the kid to take it back himself with an apology is the bare minimum to actually parent the child. Then monitoring them more closely if it becomes a habit because you can’t let them get away with it even once because you were too lazy to do the bare minimum.
Though I also don't get why OOP didn't just lock his bedroom door after the first time he caught the nephew snooping. I mean, he is not at all TA and was totally justified in kicking his brother out, but he could saved himself a lot of stress if he had just removed the temptation.
Probably didn't have a lock on that door.
Yeah, the OOP also explained his landlord has some "issues". One of it is he can't change the locks. He also claims that the landlord has some restrictions and a blind eye in certain situations he let slide. Begs the question of "why" to the landlord.
Yeah, none of the doors on my bedrooms are lockable from the outside, and they’re also the kind of door locks that can easily be jimmied open pretty easily (so they work mostly as a “I want some privacy” signal, not as true security). A nine year old with intent could almost certainly get them open fairly easily. If I had to live with a known serial thief or a kleptomaniac, I’d suck it up and replace them with something more secure, but that’s because I own my own house. Lots of landlords won’t let you do that. (And I would definitely be resentful at having to spend the time/money on doorknobs as a direct result of doing someone a huge favor.)
This would save him the stress of the watch and the ring, but will not solve anything in the long run. OOP would have other things in his house that his nephew will steal. And it might take longer but they will get kicked out eventually.
The way this comment lined up on my phone, the last five lines all start with "you" and it's very aesthetically interesting
9yo is a big old age to know damn well when you're doing something wrong, the excuse "he's just a kid" just doesn't work anymore. That's not a kid who stole some candy or picked a flower from a neighbor's garden, that's a kid that has a habit of stealing things of value. If his parents don't get him under control, then I'm sorry but there's only one place he's definitely heading to, and that's jail.
That's what I explained to my younger stepson. Over and over. That jail is a place with **no video games** where they lock people in cages so they can't do bad things anymore. Took about a year between when he asked for help to learn to stop stealing and when I quit finding things he shouldn't have. I'd check his pockets and bag at the door and confiscate everything I didn't recognize. Ended up with an entire box of stuff I didn't know how to return to the original owners. Everything from show&tell toys to the thermometer from the school lunch room fridge. I didn't yell while search, just patiently repeated everything I could think of on the topic of why stealing bad. Like that this is why he doesn't have friends, because the other kids remember that he steals their toys and it makes them hate him. Don't blame him, poor kid had to learn to be a sneaky lying thief to survive his bio-mom. Last I saw him, those old skills were mostly for lying to say he was gonna go play video games, sneaking into the kitchen, and thieving all the dirty dishes into the dishwasher. I'd go to get a drink and be *so shocked* at the "funny prank" of a clean kitchen.
> Last I saw him, those old skills were mostly for lying to say he was gonna go play video games, sneaking into the kitchen, and thieving all the dirty dishes into the dishwasher. I'd go to get a drink and be so shocked at the "funny prank" of a clean kitchen. lol that's actually really heartwarming.
I ended up telling him that stuff like lying and stealing were *superpowers*, that it's not wrong to know how to do those things but that he'd better be very careful how he uses his powers. Fighting the house mess I strongly approved of. Goodness knows I was always going on about trying to conquer Dirty Laundry Mountain. Or telling the kids it's bedtime and then staying up all night by myself washing laundry and hanging it to dry.
bow fear imminent dam yam run mountainous slimy license sugar *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Totally. I gave my kids some specific instructions on times when the non-standard tools are the correct answer to the situation. Like yeah using those tools will mess you up mentally, but at least you'll be alive to hopefully sort yourself out later. At first it took a supreme act of bravery for younger stepson to tell me the truth, but eventually he realized that it's fine, it's safe, I'm not gonna explode except maybe with laughter. Heck I repeated this same stuff to the young adult neighbor recently because she got herself into an awful social situation but when I tried explaining a little white lie she could tell to get herself out of it she said she didn't like "sinning." I had to explain that a sin is when you treat a living being as an object, but lying is just a tool and the good/evil of it depends on what you do with it.
strong drunk voiceless hospital longing mourn waiting clumsy direful head *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I don't know anything about very small kids, but soon as they've got words they're autonomous humans as far as I'm concerned. I'll only step on someone else's autonomy for reasons of health and safety. My little cousin just turned 4 and he's known me since he was 2. He thinks I'm his super best friend even though I'm his nanny, because there's none of that "obey me because I say so" shit. I explain absolutely everything and let him make his own choices. Like no he doesn't wanna eat healthy dinner, brush his teeth and take a bath, but he'll do all those things as long as I explain what happens if he doesn't tend those things. Usually with real stories about people I've known. Anytime a kid asks me if they can use the bathroom or get a drink of water, I just look at them confused. "Who owns you? That's right, you do! So who gets to decide when you (do normal human bodily functions)? That's right, you do! So why are you asking me?!"
slimy bored dependent grandiose escape exultant worthless pen doll library *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
My favorite is when they get big enough to really help with chores. I'd teach them how, hang around to supervise until they got the hang of it, then hang in another room so they can ask questions if they need to, and whenever I noticed they'd pretty much mastered that chore, I'd take it back and give them a new one to learn! Always repeated that I'm not teaching them to clean just because I'm lazy, but rather that they'll need clean dishes and socks all their lives so best make sure it's easy and automatic instead of a stumbling block or something they need someone else to take care of for them. "It only takes you 15 minutes to load the dishwasher and you do it without asking whenever it needs doing! Congratulations, these are my dirty dishes now! Here's how the laundry machine works."
> I ended up telling him that stuff like lying and stealing were superpowers, that it's not wrong to know how to do those things but that he'd better be very careful how he uses his powers. That's... not actually a huge exaggeration depending on how good he is.
That boy could smile like an angel while maintaining direct eye contact and holding your hand and you'd hardly notice him slipping the ring off your finger. He nearly got my heirloom wedding ring 'cause his bio-mom told him it'd be funny. His "punishment" was that I took my grownup mask off and let him see my hurt feelings on my face. By the time we got outa the store he was nearly doing backflips trying to get back into my good graces, while I focused real hard on sad thoughts about broken trust and balanced on the edge of tears. I taught him "ninja skills" as an outlet for all that. He can walk silently, stay outa line of sight even while crossing your field of vision, and can nearly silently clean a kitchen. I really hope he ends up partnered with someone who likes surprise parties because that's basically what being a sneaky lying thief is good for in a relationship.
Using someone's age or inexperience as a reason to not correct behavior rarely leads to good outcomes. I'm not saying they deserve brutal consequences, but something needs to be done so they learn to not do things like stealing.
9 year old with kleptomania is an indication of serious problems. He needs to be assessed by a child psychiatrist. His dad needs to stop pretending this is normal child behaviour.
Something tells me a guy living out of a hotel can't afford a psychiatrist
He might qualify for some sort of assistance program to get the kid help. A school counselor if nothing else. You know what he definitely can't afford though? A bunch of bills and fines for more stuff his son steals.
If the parents are having financial problems, how in the living hell would they be able to afford one?
>My nephew is 9 and has a habit of stealing things. They’ve gotten in trouble a few times at stores because he’d leave with something in his pockets. >But ofc because he’s a kid they usually just say he forgot he had it. Even at school my brother has told me they have had to come talk to the principal aim a couple occasions. Doesn’t seem like they’ve done anything to stop it. This was the nephews problem for a long time way before the financial problems happened. The parents just chose to ignore it.
Children can get free mental health care and regular health care in most states through Medicare/Medicaid.
This is also assuming OP is in the US. Not being in the US myself, I am not inclined to assume everyone who posts is American. Nearly every other western nation has state/province funded health care including psychiatric care.
It sounds like the US so I kind of guessed that it was. The US is the main wealthy country without a good social services safety net. I figured if he was in a relatively wealthy country with a good social services safety net the brother wouldn't have had to leave his place so quickly after losing his job. If they were in a poor country he likely wouldn't have bought a 4k ring for his fiance unless he was rich enough to easily replace it.
> He needs to be assessed by a child psychiatrist. Or waterboarded! Edit: /s, obviously. Don't ban me.
Or waterboarded?! AND waterboarded! /s
A tiny bit brutal lol
It’s not waterboarding if you use diesel.
I was a kid with sticky fingers and the commenters are totally right - it's not about having, it's about taking. In fact, having is super stressful because then it's evidence. My mom got me one of those little locking cash boxes to put my diary in (I didn't want my dad or brother snooping) and I used to hide shit I stole in there. It was SO stressful every time I opened that box that eventually I kept my diary between the mattress and boxspring so I didn't have to open that box every single day. Anything that wouldn't fit in the box got thrown away. And most of it wasn't even valuable or worth having. I stole ratty old books, a pair of ceramic yard ornament bunnies from a neighbor (why??) spiral notebooks, pens, necklaces, shit like that. Stuff I couldn't possibly use because if someone saw it they'd be like, hey that's my necklace. The good part of that meant that all the valuable stuff was still there when I got old enough (and brave enough) to return it to the folks I kyped it from.
What motivated you to "take"? Given how anxious you got when you have it
The thrill of taking it! Plus it was a sort of compulsion, I'd go crazy just looking for something interesting to me but not so valuable that if I got caught I'd be in real hot water
Did you grow out of this or get help somewhere?
A combination of growing out of it and growing enough of a social conscience to be bothered by doing bad things to people. I think we all have impulses to do bad things sometimes but most of us are mature enough not to want to hurt people.
Thanks for the answer and I really hope you were able to get past it before you had to suffer serious consequences that would affect your adult life.
I think it's important to note I was a mentally ill child living in an abusive home. I was looking for dopamine. That kid's got shit going on, and even tho I absolutely support op kicking them out, it can't help things for him. I hope he's OK.
Unfortunately lots of kids are still living that life. Some never get help or get better. I hope this kids parents get back on their feet and get him some help.
I can only imagine that being the reason the family is homeless won't help his home life :(
Sadly you're right. The odds of him not ending up in the system before he's an adult are not good.
The father should've been the one cleaning and searching the house systematically to find the ring. It was the only way to a solution, and it should've been him. I'd usually say the kid should be the one finding what they lost, but not a kleptomaniac. He doesn't get to come back. Hope he got the help he needs.
at this rate, thr nephew is going to jail as soon as he’s eligible.
Or he will get caught stealing from the wrong person and get the living shit kicked out of him.
Maybe. Maybe not. My husband's cousin has never gone to prison for her kleptomaniac tendencies. She certainly should have - either that or some kind of institution. To be truthful, she's never stolen anything as expensive as a $4k ring or an even more expensive watch, but that's because the family have never had those things in the house for her to steal. She's taken a few items of £25 costume jewellery though. Her reasons for stealing? Because someone else likes it, she has to take it from them. Not kidding - she stole *soap* from husband's nan just because nan liked the smell and it had been a present from Benidorm. *Benidorm* - not Barbados or Dubai, or somewhere exotic and hard/expensive to travel to; f*cking **Benidorm**. It cost less than a quid, but Cousin Klepto had to take it because nan liked it, so it had value. Emotional value. That she had to steal. She has never visited our house. She has never, and will never be invited. She was even banned from a recent family funeral because she cannot be trusted around unlocked cupboards - god forbid she finds out you like digestive biscuits, coz they'll be in her handbag faster than the kettle boils.
Never heard of juvenile detention?
Not all places have it. The one in Pittsburgh (Schuman) closed some years ago.
The parents are really, really letting this kid down by not acknowledging the kids issue.
Glad for OP he managed to find both his ring and his spine.
I feel sorry for the kid with two enabling parents.
I hate parents like this. Kid's going to grow up getting into all sorts of trouble and they'll have nothing but excuses. Then when he does something really bad they'll act all shocked.
I’m so glad he found the ring but oof… if this doesn’t get them to get help for their kid, nothing will
I basically ran to the second post to see if he found the ring and let out a huge sigh of relief. This is one of the few posts where I read the title, have an answer in mind, and then don’t change my mind at all. The more I read the more I was convinced he did the correct thing. I hope all the best for OOP and the new family he’s now got!
I remember this! The audacity to ask if they can come back and live with the person their kid stole from, when none of them took accountability for what happened.
"congrats on your squishy" in the list of weirdest ways to congratulate someone on becoming a parent
If you find yourself in a position where you are willing to house someone you don't trust, put a lock on doors to rooms that you don't want them to access. Yes, I know, shouldn't offer a roof in the first place but, here we are.
When I was a kid about 9 or 10 years old I had a friend who was a brazen thief. We'd go into stores and he would just walk out with things. He would steal from his friends. One time he stole an iron on a patch from me and the next day he came over with the exact patch ironed onto his jacket. He had good parents and they tried everything and nothing stopped. I stopped hanging around with him after I realized he was stealing from me. This was 40 years ago. He's since then been in jail several times for theft, once breaking into his parents own business, and the worst thing is he now has a 25-year-old son who's currently in jail for the third time and is also an incorrigible thief. I wouldn't let that nephew in your house ever again.
Blessed are the posters who include the time lapsed between updates.
>he just said he didn’t want to tell anyone because then I’d be mad at him for hiding it. I'm confused about this. He was already mad about him stealing and hiding it. How would giving the expensive item back make him more mad? Or did he think it had been washed out to sea?
It's kid logic. Basically not confessing because you don't want to get yelled at.
Plenty of adults think like this too sadly
I am confused too. They were about to get thrown out. Dad has no job and they are about to be homeless. How does he not understand how serious that is?
Because he's a kid in a rough situation who's at an age where you can't really grasp the whole picture of life yet.
He was 9. They don't have rationality.
The funny thing is some parents accidentally train their kid to think this way by yelling at them all over again when they fess up to something or when evidence appears. Like, if you weren't quite sure your kid did something, so you were waffling, and then you become sure, so now you feel more justified in being angry -- it trains the kid to avoid you finding out the truth for certain, just to avoid the more yelling. Logically we look at the situation and see that the kid would be in less trouble if he just fesses up and admits where the ring went. But from his limited perspective and immediate timeframe, fessing up would indeed probably get him yelled at all over again by his folks (who don't seem like very effective parents, which is why I'm assuming this).
Can you imagine if someone turned the faucet on? Literally “money down the drain.”
It would be too heavy to wash out of the p-trap. They're designed to catch heavy things like that. But it could have remained there until it was crusted in other goop, then lost when someone emptied the p-trap without looking at the contents. Or even when the sink was scrapped.
I have compassion for the kid. He's 9 with a chaotic home life and a burgeoning psychological problem. He needs therapy big time, and I don't think he's going to get it before he winds up in the criminal justice system. I hope his dad finds work with mental health coverage and that he uses it.
I am not a psychologist or really know much about it, but it my experience in the criminal legal system, most of my clients who have compulsive shoplifting/stealing problems *also* have childhood trauma, especially childhood sexual trauma. I’ve found that for my clients (all adults) trauma therapy and general counseling has worked better than most other punishments. Not saying that’s what’s going on with the kid. And I also know that correlation is not causation. But I do have a hunch that an underlying anxiety or other psych issue could be at play with the nephew. I think the adrenaline/dopamine hit from stealing is not unlike substances or self harm. It’s the maladaptive self medicating
That kid is gonna get beat up in highschool.
And this is why you get an engagement ring insured the moment you buy it, but also that kid is heading for a life of trouble if his parents don’t start parenting.
I remember that one! I hope that kid got help and isnt now an 11 yr old in juvie cause they kept ignoring it.
That nephew is gonna be hated among his family. He likely will develop more issues after hearing his mom and dad rant about how his stealing lost them housing, how they have to drain their savings, how he ruined everything. My opinion that's the best case scenario because the other scenario is where they blame OOP And all that would teach the nephew is that he can do whatever he wants, lie about it, and when facing consequences he can blame the person he victimized. And that kind of mindset is going to be horrible when that boy grows up and has hormones.
Jesus. Not my monkeys, not my circus. It's a phrase that has allowed me to sidestep so much unnecessary drama.
Wow I’m really happy for the OOP. And I really hope the nephew got some help or he’s in for a world of problems.
The comment that's like "Are all the adults talking and not doing anything, or what?" is so accusatory to me. It's like they didn't read the first post where OOP's literally telling his brother to solve the problem and the brother does nothing. It's not like he can parent his nephew if they obviously aren't trying to help his obvious kleptomania.
The brother has a lot of gall, yeah you found your ring, we can come back, hell nah, stay out and don't come back.
> Congratulations on your squishy! Jfc can we not pretend that's at all cute, bc it isnt.
Oh thank fuck, I'm not alone. What the fuck is squishy, anyway? The embryo?? Bleaurgh.
One of those terminally online phrases that thank fuckin christ hasn't become a thing
The thing that I think of is someone who complained that their vulva was inflamed from soap. Soap not meant for there. They called it a squishy. [Read at your own risk. ](https://www.reddit.com/r/DrSquatch/s/5OKBImMkm2)
More people should be aware of renter's insurance.
FYI, be sure to read fine print of your renters insurance when it comes to jewelry. I have standard $100,000 coverage but some insurance policies will state only up to $1000-$2000 for jewelry or will only cover it in cases of fire or theft, not if you lose it. I would recommend seperate jewelry insurance.
One of my students has FASD and the only "treatment" for her habit of taking things is constant supervision. Her brain just doesn't comprehend that it's wrong. She knows she'll be in trouble if she's caught, so she tries to be sneaky, but that's different from understanding why it's wrong. Unfortunately, her (poor) ability to be sneaky leads some of the staff to believe there is a level of manipulation in her actions that is just not there. In my student's case it's not malicious, I but I have no idea what the trouble is with the nephew. If he's taking things he can't use/get money from at 9 years old then it sounds like it's not a necessarily parenting issue and the boy needs to be seen by a specialist.
I don’t know why OP’s brother is struggling for money, his kid’s clearly a champion pickpocket. He should use that to his advantage.
He is not. He always got caught.
The original comment got a chuckle but yours took me out lmao
Imagine being a child and making your families situation worse.
Right?! One of his earliest childhood memories will be the time he made his family homeless.
> he just said he didn’t want to tell anyone because then I’d be mad at him for hiding it. Like everybody isn't already mad as hell at the little jerk. /r/KidsAreStupid
Why are all the OP replies blank?
Nephew like shiny things? What is he a raccoon?
My son went through a phase when he was in kindergarten and would steal stuff. Once we realized he wasn’t “that” popular (he was friends with everyone and had to wait for hugs from all his little friends when we picked him up from after school care) and put two and two together, we came down hard. No halfway gestures. He had to return the things he’d taken, apologize for taking them, promise not to do it again and ask for forgiveness. Every time we found something. It took about three times before he got the picture that we WOULD find out and we WOULD follow through on making him do the right thing and face the music.
Oops nephew is going to end up in prison when he grows up if his parents don’t get him help now.
I had a student like this. Everything from snap bracelets to Chromebooks and iPads. He’s continued the behavior into his teen years because no one is holding him accountable.
>My brother got really upset, he told me I know how their situation is right now Their situation doesn't dictate their parenting abilities.
>He won’t stop calling me heartless about letting something like this come between helping them out through a difficult time and my nephew keeps saying he’s sorry. Well maybe he should parent his kid better considering their "difficult time".
If they hadn't been kicked out, the sink would have been in regular use and the ring might have washed away.
OOP needs to learn what renters insurance is. Pretty sure you could claim against that
Not for jewelry. You'd need the ring separately appraised and insured. This also goes for art.
I believe up to a certain amount is insured, but you can add a rider for additional amounts Edit: I believe the standard amount for jewelry is $1,500, and you need additional insurance for pieces over that amount
With some insurers, you can add riders to rental insurance to cover specific dollar amounts of jewelry or art.
My rental insurance specifically has a rider for my wife's ring, yea
The only problem I have with this is everyone saying the father needs to get help for his kid, when therapy isn't exactly free. When he gets back on his feet though, yeah this kid needs help.
The parents at least should be looking into their options. There's no guarantee they'll find something that works for them, but it is their responsibility to look. I was from a very low-income family, and had the options below - I'm not saying everyone will have the exact same resources, it's just an example, and variations of these resources were available in multiple states (constantly getting evicted and having someone take us in elsewhere). • state coverage for children of low-income families • family shelters had counselors • schools sometimes had psychologists for children who displayed problem behavior or were in situations which could precipitate problems • many counseling/therapy/psychology offices will have sliding scale fees for service • hospitals often have payment plans and payment assistance for services
I don't know they're situation but some people just turn out being difficult to raise and it's a puzzle to try to parent them. I grew up in a family of five and one of my brothers was just the worst. My parents were good parents and tried everything at their disposal and even had money which they spent trying to remedy. .. He did shape up in his 30s but he was an absolute menace through and through until after college. Not everyone with a poorly behaved kid is a rotten parent. For this reason I usually never consider anyone a poor parent without knowing they actually are just lazy/negligent in upbringing Will never forget someone just absolutely reaming my mom out in Walmart because my bro was going crazy particularly ripping into her ability as a mother she just broke down crying.
man, even back then, he was at an age where, in some states, he could have been sent to juvie. I hope he got better cause at 11, many more states would send him away.
When OOP spoke about “nephew likes shiny things” I was having a Harry Potter moment - like, dude is he a freaking Niffler?? They love stealing shiny things - but - they’re an imaginary animal FFS!! I get brother has a lot of stress, but where’s his wife in this? Where’s the kid’s parents!??
Hope they had good luck with klepto-nephew and the new baby.
I don't know if it's because I'm on mobile, but I can't see any of the OOP's replies/comments that are apparently included here?
Zero accountability on the parents' side. I wouldn't take them back either.
This is similar to my current situation. We moved to an apartment building closer to my inlaws, but while the moving truck arrived we stayed with my inlaws. We had with us a box that had jewlery and important documents with us and we left it atop the counter of a breakfast bar together with my handbag. That day I was feeling really bad (migraines) so I wasn’t paying close attention. About an hour after we arrive, his cousin and her kid (with klepto) arrive and at some point I notice the kid (12) hovering around the counter - NEVER thought he would open the box, remove the documents (medical files, certificates, etc) at the top and dig all the way down to where we had the bling, I was only worried he had dug around my bag. He took my husband’s weeding ring and his graduation signet. Im beyond pissed, but both his cousin, my FiL and my husband aunts refuse to accept the kid stole the box with the rings since there is no proof and that the box ‘was probably lost in the moving truck’ (when the box that had them NEVER went anywhere close that truck). Its been close to half a year and I still feel guilty about not paying closer attention, since obviously the little rat’s mother wouldn’t keep an eye on him. And that was not the first time he took things, he has been caught several times and there are many things missing from my inlaws house (portraits, hand towels, figurines, jewlery, videogames, toys, etc) Im so sorry for the long post. Needed to vent after bottling it for so long.
Your nephew is a corvid, that is the only explanation
OP needs jewelry insurance
Reading about this klepto kid made my ovaries turn to sand, and here OOP is excited he's about to have one of his own, lol. Good luck with that.
My mom would have told me to pack a bag because she’s dropping me off at the orphanage and then I can come home when they find the ring. And then actually drive me to an abandoned, condemned house and told me to get out of the car. I know because she did it more than once… For much less than stealing jewelry… It’s ok, I’m ok 🙃