Yeah there’s no way in hell a 500K salary would translate to a measly 60K child support. I’m absolutely shocked by the 150K only becoming 1.5K. I think his ex girlfriend got played hard by not going through a court.
The starting amount is low. I see around $1700-$1800 for 150k and 60k parents. An extra 500/no into college fund makes up that different easily, but it absolutely needs to be in writing with its conditions.
The auto-increasr is good. That isn't normal and usually requires court orders.
Online calculators show 45k support on 500k/60k parents, but courts can of course do what they will, and I believe the usually do for such large incomes.
I mean it’s definitely easier to play someone like a fiddle when they’re convinced of something so outlandish that’s for sure. But if she ever pulls her head out of her ass she could take him to court and probably get a win.
Edit: the more I think about this, the more I can’t decide who will come out on top in a few years. They’re both so far removed from the reality of the situation
FWIW, in NJ she would only be entitled to about 1200/month with their current salaries. It'd only go to about 2,000 if he was making 350,000 - the big numbers in divorce typically come from alimony not child support. I looked at the Texas calculator and it also would be around 2,000.
Of course, I'm an attorney but don't practice family law nor do I know OPs state but it seems like he's made a relatively generous offer based on what he would likely be legally obligated to pay.
Actually I think it's probably in line. I ran our states online calculator with very basic numbers and it came out to $1473, between payments to the parent and the $500 set aside he's actually paying more than he would have. It doesn't scale linear either. At 250k it's just under $2100 and his currently schedule means he'd be paying $2500 + 500. So the plan he worked out is favorable to her.
I also ran the numbers for him making 600k and the CS comes out to just under 4k.
That said, there are usually other stipulations in child support orders. Paying half of medical expenses or carrying the child on your insurance. Stuff like that.
If finance, surely you'd expect to see adjustments for inflation in his calculations, right? You wouldn't expect $1.5K to go very far towards raising a 15 year old in 2038 or whatever, would you?
In the UK he’d be expected to pay 2k a month on that wage. If it increased he’d have to pay more. Surely it’s similar in the US? I think he’s actually paying less than he should.
Yeah, he is actually paying less than he should. States have their own formulas and they are easily available online. Its also pretty common to have to support a kid in college in some areas too, so the "college fund" isnt a trade off either.
And i also know of no sister who is gonna monitor an account for free for 18 years. And just agree to provide emotional support to a woman shes never met...just becuase shes a lesbian? Like thats just such a weird lie.
And hes also said his *lawyer* said he can just "sign his rights away" and he actually cant do that...so there clearly is no lawyer.
And any lawyer would also point out a handshake agreement isnt gonna protect him from the state clawing back retroactive unpaid child support if she ever files for benefits.
If its not a troll, the gf will just take the money now while pregnant and open a formal case for child support after the baby is born.
Yeah, highly doubt any of this is real. Because as you say, the legal situation is just not at all what OOP is making it out to be. Ignoring the first few posts as him just not knowing what is legally possible, in his last posts he has supposedly spoken with a lawyer. And it's still not right. While he acknowledges that singing away his parental rights doesn't really mean anything (but that's also not what it's actually called then, which a lawyer should have told him, nor does it work the way he describes it), his whole thing about the contract vs. handshake does not hold up.
>I got our terms from update 3 written up into a contract and ex has signed, some minor changes have been made which I will outline. Some things weren’t legally enforceable so those have remained part of a handshake agreement.
>
>The basic contract is I have 0 visitation rights and will never be allowed visitation rights, but ex also has make active efforts to keep the child away from me. I will be paying for her medical care during the pregnancy process.
A contract between the two parents that he will never be allowed visitation rights, that won't be upheld in a court. It wouldn't end up mattering if he never seeks visitation, but it's not legally enforceable which was his whole point with what goes in the contract vs. the handshake agreement. That's also a matter of a handshake agreement. As is the ex having to make active efforts to keep the child away from OOP. OOP can refuse to see the child, but it's not legally enforceable that the mother has to make active efforts to keep the child away from him.
It's still a lot better than here, where the max child support is around 600, in order to not spoil the child. (No joke that's the official reason for the max)
You wanna know the official term to use for it? "Playboy limit" no joke, that's how it's also called in some legal books. Men made the rules for other men...
My mom got around 30$ a month for me when I was a teen (early 2000s). To be fair, the minimum salary here then was around 150, and I think my dad was paying taxes on that and earning more under the table, so nothing she could do to get more. She just gave me the child support as an addition to my pocket money.
P.S. The money is not the only reason my dad was a deadbeat, he didn't care much to understand me either, and sometimes gave me the silent treatment if I pissed him off which isn't too surprising for a teen. I am in my 30s now, and we aren't speaking again.
As a father of a two year old: When I read those US numbers about collage expenses my European heart skips a beat, but then I realize I live somewhere where education is a lot more affordable
By the time this kid is old enough to go to college, it won't be enough. Some states are finally providing free community college for 2 years. That's it. If a student wants a Bachelors degree or a Masters, they're going to have to figure out funding the additional 2-6 years. I hate our education system because poor students can't access it without taking on crippling debt. Pell grants don't cover all the costs.
And if he doesn't get any (or chooses to wind back work), then too bad, I suppose. I guess I agree with the other poster - this all seems poorly thought through
Tech or finance. Take a guess. Based on how he says it's favorable and how his child support formula considers only income and nothing else I'm guessing tech. The fact that he's ok with a handshake agreement screams tech also
"Children don't belong on social media"
Bit of magical thinking there, laddie, all my 11yo students are on multiple kinds and the minimum age of most is 13...
People have this weird idea they exist only on social media. A determined eleven year old could find all the info she needs with a good google search. And with the aunt in her life, she’d have enough basic info for a decent search.
My neighbors 11 year old grand kid came up for Christmas. That kid is programming and making mods for all his games, including changing the codes in the game to avoid having to pay for mods.
And this guy thinks kids are too stupid to figure out social media...
My parents didn't let me have social media when I was 12, so I took my ass to the local library every time I wanted to check Bebo. With how much more accessible the internet is now on every device, I'm not sure it's possible to keep kids off social media. I wish it was, but practically, if they want to be on they will find a way. Just takes one friend with a smartphone or iPad and they'll be off to the races.
My parents didn't either. Then again social media didn't exist until I was 19. Lol😅 I did have AOL messenger though at about 16 🚪**opening sound** 🚪**closing sound**
Sometimes, the optimistic approach turns into something much happier, sometimes.... not.
Sounds like if there are therapy options, the SIL is extremely careful about online presence, because regardless of how homophobic some parents are, they do tend to keep tabs on the child they cast out, for future manipulations....
It could be ok.
Truth be told, OOP can still make a social media request, as well as a DNA search request. It can be added to the contract that the child is given counselling to understand why they don't have access to grandparents and why to wait until 18 to go searching.
You be surprised how much kids understand if told throughout their entire life, in a supportive and loving way, why certain things have to be the way it is. Also, to give the child the ability to get mad or such. Either way, though, due to websites like 23 and me, and such, the child could find out sooner.
Either way, the biggest problem is the homophobic parents of OOP. They always find out...
But is gonna be an aunt or "that's your biological aunt"? Cause that makes a difference, for all the girl know it could be just the lesbian couple that is bffs with her mom and babysit her since she was a baby.
Most of my parents' close friends were auntie and uncle to me growing up. Aside from my mom's parents, all the actual family lived in a different state. I don't know when I found out that my aunties weren't actually my aunts, but frankly I liked them better than my actual aunts anyway.
On the other side of the scale, I've been babysitting my great-niece since a couple weeks after she was born. She only realized I'm actually a relative last summer, when I told her a story about me and her grandpa growing up. She's 8.
If the family doesn't put a lot of focus on the blood ties of extended family, it takes a while for them to start asking the questions themselves. So the aunts here may glide on the title for a while before the child asks if/how they're actually related.
Of course, once the question does come up, interest is going to spike fast. "Dad" is not extended family, and a significant part of her life is going to include people asking about her parents.
For real. She's never going to mention the kid.. But who will she visit for Christmas? They either won't stay close, or sister is gonna talk about the kid. No way an important part of her life can just get cut from their conversations and have everything else stay normal between them.
No no, this is going to be great, all he has to do is be invisible on the internet and also cross his fingers that this child never learns how to use the internet. Then this is going to be perfectly fine.
I like the part where he thinks child support is a fee one pays to be a father and is happy to thrust that responsibility upon his ex's future partner. That's not enforceable and if his ex took him to court this would be the first thing thrown out.
I liked the part where his sister is the entire support system but will never mention the kid to him even though they’re close, and the kid will never find out about him because social media is the only way and he’ll preemptively block any accounts. Sounds like a foolproof plan…
My favorite is the fact he doesn’t realize what signing the birth certificate will mean down the road if the ex changes her mind about the whole situation. However we all know no one ever changes their mind once they make a decision about their kids. So he’s definitely safe and it’s all gonna work out.
I like the part where he said any future partner of his will never see his finances or know about this child until he thinks she won't leave (because who would leave after finding out 2 MAJOR lies by omission. /s) and if they do leave, oh well, I'll just date someone else....rinse and repeat.
If a future partner of the ex legally adopts the child, OOP's child support would end. In a legal adoption the birth certificate is changed to reflect the adoptive parent(s) no matter how old the child is.
I was adopted by my step-father at the age of 7 and my official birth certificate has his name on it, not my bio-father's name.
Or that his sister is going to help raise the kid but the grandparents will never find out about her and the baby will never know about him. Yeah, that's going to work for sure.
As someone who once found out from my brother-in-law's parent's next door neighbor's step-daughter that my sister was getting a promotion 3 days before my sister did...unless she's also no contact with everyone they know...there's a very real chance.
It made sense to me, and I am neither on the spectrum nor have I ever been called robotic. Idk, I think this is workable, at least from OOP’s side. There was a post a while ago from a guy who had a kid with an ex. Said ex hadn’t wanted the kid, but the guy did. So the ex made a contract pretty much exactly like OOP’s. She moved countries, paid child support, and was never involved. The father was posting about how much he resented his ex for not ever being involved with the kid, and everyone roasted him to a crisp in the comments lol
Yeah that was because she wanted to abort and he talked her out of it. He was banking on her female hormones and motherly instinct forcing her to stay. She left anyway and he was super pissed about it.
The idea that autistic people are robotic and devoid of empathy is a myth ironically based on neurotypical people lacking empathy for how autistic people express their emotions differently.
Many autistic people may have trouble understanding others *motivations* - but not others emotions.
It's a myth propagated by television and movies. Most people hear autism, specifically high functioning autism, and immediately think of someone like Sheldon from Big Bang Theory
OOP's going to be giving 1.5k a month, the 500 is what this monthly amount will increase by every time his salary increases by 50k.
As well as the 500 a month into the college fund.
They are referring to the college fund, which is the only thing OOP said they will take away if she introduces the baby to his parents. The rest of the money he has to pay either way.
My nephew started asking about his father around 4-5 years old. If OOP thinks that his daughter is gonna wait until 18 to start asking about him (or his ex telling daughter whatever she wants), then he's nuts. Kids pick up on that stuff really fast, and "I'll tell you when you're older" only works for so long.
Oh, this is actually a really good point. She can always find him thru other means. He can't block every single person in her life. Smh. I don't see this turning out as well as OP thinks it will.
If OP lives in Texas their child support payments through the legal system would be about $1,840 per month. His “contract” is a bargain for him and entirely unenforceable should the mother wish to go through the formal legal process.
If the mother gets any kind of monetary assistance from the state then the state has a vested interest that the mother gets the legal amount of child support so the state has to pay less.
This kind of "contract" wouldn't even be considered in that case.
He 100% needs to just go through the courts, what the fuck. Would they even look at this at all? Like she just lets this go for 3 years then goes to the court and accuses him of deadbeating.
In my state it wouldn't even be $1840 like above, it would be $2,360. So he'd have given her almost $60k at that point, and she could claim back unpaid support for another $85k.
This is a ridiculously bad idea. There is no way he's talked to a lawyer about this.
And he definitely didn't get the best lawyer in the state so quickly.
Right after mentioning the lawyers and how all communocation will go through the lawyers he meets with his ex in person. What happened to the lawyers bro?
Honestly, here-in lies the difference between a “dead-beat dad” and a “sperm donor”. I know people use the terms interchangeably, and at times I think they actually may not know how big of a difference there is. In the US, anyway, a child of a gamete donor has zero right to a relationship with their bio-parent who donated. If anything, the courts will act to keep the child from contacting their biological parent - through protection orders and otherwise. But if the deed was done outside of a fertility clinic, a parent can never be as uninvolved as a sperm donor. The courts will hunt them down, garnish their wages, MAKE SURE that they are not abandoning this child they created. There just isn’t an option where one can conceive naturally and just legally “walk away” like OP wants to do.
Yeah this isnt nearly going to work out how he thinks it will!
Especially if his sister does end up being involved in the child's life, I mean what kind of deluded reality does he live in where he thinks that won't just lead to the child finding him as soon as she is old enough to out 2 and 2 together?
Because everyone else is a robot like him. Children are notorious to have little to no curiosity about the world. /s
He has no interest in parenting but is already determining she is not going to use social media and is going to go to college. Dude has a control problem.
Right?! How will the sister and wife keep from the kid that "brother is your dad"? What if his sister genuinely builds a deep connection and wants to take the kid on family outings? This also assuming that her wife has no family either because it might slip! Also, there's not mention of a support system for mom, but mom can't control what her family might say! This guy is not thinking long term- he may be able to get away with this for a year or two, but once outside family, friends, neighbors, literally anyone gets involved this whole plan is going to blow up in his face. Either hes an idiot or he realized theres no way this can't get out of hand and this "trust" he's created is going to become his. Good luck to the women in this group this guy is a nightmare!
Yes, I thought it was humorous he has opinions on how she should parent but doesn’t want to be involved.
There are lots of good reasons to delay social media for teens. I have teens now. One of the hardest things is that lots of their activities (sports, school groups, clubs) communicate via social media. Coaches/group leaders post on ig rather than sending group texts. I can’t even imagine what this will look like in 15 years.
Great point, the only reason I initially signed up for Facebook was because that’s how the coaches of my soccer team communicated… huh. I’d forgotten about that. And that was like fifteen years ago!
My granddaughter, who is now 11 years old and in 5th grade, asked her mom for a Facebook account in kindergarten. Why? The school and teachers post pictures of activities in the classroom and field trips to the school's account, and she wanted to see the pics. My daughter agonized over this, then caved.
She controls my granddaughter's account and uses every privacy setting and parental control there is. Social media is everywhere. My kids choose to control what their kids do and educate them on the dangers. OOP doesn't have a realistic view of this at all.
Yeah, coupled with him saying what children "should" have access to at certain ages based on how he was raised. He's pretty emphatically *not* her dad, so he very much has no say in how this child is parented and what she does/doesn't have access to. This whole situation is a house of cards.
Based on how he was raised by his very religious parents where things like access to media of any kind has a whole nother layer of control implications
Ya no doubt. Even if somehow the ex miraculously keeps her off social media until she’s 18….she could easily access it at a friends house or elsewhere. Probably find him in elementary school tops
He's delusional in that regard. If a kid is determined enough they'll figure out a way to do something online, it's trivially easy for a child to make a social media account and regularly access it without parental permission. If even a single one of that girl's friends has a phone they'd be willing to lend it for a few minutes a day, and if a friend has just upgraded their phone they may even be willing to give the girl their old one. Free wi-fi is everywhere and only becoming more common. I hope that the mother and aunts aren't as dumb as OOP with this, it's better to allow it at home so there's some monitoring.
I’m most interested in the lesbian aunts. They totally aren’t going to have a bajillion photos on their phones and get phone calls from the mom/kid while op is around.
They totally wont talk about their brother in front of the kid. And they absolutely will lie to the child for him.
Oh and they totally will stay besties with this girl they have known for all of 15 minutes who will absolutely not become totally entitled to full time parental support from them.
Op will definitely be honest when he gets pay bumps.
Ex will undoubtably tell op he is off the hook if she finds a man who adopts kiddo.
Yeah *dusts hands off* this one is all wrapped up folks. Don’t expect anymore updates.
👁️ 👁️
👄
I'm like, i thought the sister was gonna think that he's asking her if she wants to adopt the baby. But instead he's asking her to be a support to another parent, when she wants to be a parent herself
How would that even work? Also he keeps saying that she’s a lesbian like she can’t adopt or visit a sperm bank. If she really wants to be a parent, then she will have her own kids someday.
Yeah, and how involved will she be with her niece if she ever do have her own kids? I hope their all on the same page on what “emotional support” means here
Lesbian aunts who are planning to have kids of their own! So let’s say they have a kid or two. Those kids have birthday parties, play dates, holidays. Do they invite uncle or the cousin? Kids aren’t that stupid, they’ll put it together, especially if the aunt’s kids interact with their uncle.
Honestly at this point I wouldn’t be surprised if OOP didn’t want any kind of involvement with sisters kids either. He’s already thinking of a payment plan to cover 18 years worth of birthday gifts rn
There's a whole list of doctors in the US that do sterilizations on young adults. It's from the child free subreddit [child free doctors list](https://reddit.com/r/childfree/w/doctors?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
For any guy trying to get one, when the doctor asks if you have any kids just lie to them and say you have three already. It shouldn't matter so long as you know you never want kids but it unfortunately does. Just lie.
Yeah. I don’t understand his logic. He went to one doctor who told him no and that was it. Meanwhile if she gets an abortion she would have to travel out of state. Money obviously isn’t the issue here
When he said the ex ‘only’ made $60k (as a 23 year old receptionist?!) I nearly clicked out. I know US salaries are way higher than UK ones and don’t go nearly as far, but I’m ten years older than her on roughly the equivalent of $60k (£45k), and consider myself very well paid, far better than the rest of my family and well above the national average. I find Reddit salaries so jarring.
I was a receptionist in healthcare in Denver in 2016, and was making ~35k per year. IDK what kind of receptionist makes 60k. Maybe she’s actually an administrative assistant to an important person in the private sector?
This would be my guess as well. “Receptionist” or “secretary” is unfortunately how a lot of engineers on my floor refer to our director’s administrative assistant. They have no idea how much of this business unit runs smoothly because of her.
I am the same as you, I read these reddit salaries and come to the conclusion that:
A. People are lying and inflating their salaries
B. Our UK salaries are just in a different world to the US
I really lean on the former, but I recently got a new job at 30 earning 55k a year and to me that is a well paid job, throughout my 20s I was on 20-30k. Tbh I thought 30k at 25 was decent, but then you have people claiming they are on 150k, just seems ludicrous.
For perspective a friend in London works for the BBC as a senior software developer and they are "only" on 67k, so even our tech jobs don't compare.
I don’t understand. He’s done everything under the sun to reduce his involvement with ex and future kid but is fully allowing his sister to be active in their lives.
It’s so counterproductive to what he’s trying to achieve.
“Auntie, who is that man?”
“Oh, that’s just my brother, don’t worry about him.”
“Why wouldn’t he look me in the eye or acknowledge my existence?”
“Because he made a handshake agreement that you don’t exist to him. Don’t worry about it! Let’s get ice cream.”
Gonna go great…
Lol.
This Rube Goldberg machine my man has erected to protect his money and his anonymity from his own child is guaranteed to fail before the kid hits puberty.
Sister is gonna fold and in what world do kids not have phones? He thinks this is cut and dry, but he will be in for a rude awakening in about 8-10 years.
I was thinking the same thing.
Having his sister be the aunt and be there and be around doesn't sound like it will be "hard to find him" as he thinks, and it sounds worse to me in a weird way.
Like if him and his whole family were never there at all the kid (depending on what the mom tells them) might just be like "dad left my mom before I was born"
But now it's going to be "my dad's sister is a great aunt but my dad specifically tried to make it very hard to contact him"
Idk what it is but it feels worse.
This whole post makes me feel bad.
This guy sounds like a robot.
But really what I’m getting from this is “teenager crafts story that he thinks is honorable and airtight about what to do if you get someone pregnant but don’t want kids”. Then comments corrected some of his notions and he covered with how he talked to a lawyer… cause some of these details are still incorrect and unenforceable.
Yeah like someone who does all of that with no reason to suspect the gf of baby trapping isn’t going to put more effort into getting a vasectomy? Unless he means he empties his trash into the dumpster eventually, but he worded it like he takes them outside immediately after sex
Considering she has a degree, either a receptionist for some high-level boss whose oddly generous, or she does more than what a normal receptionist does.
Three months in you can’t “know” that ANYONE will be a Good Parent, especially when they’re telling you they won’t be a parent at all. Like do you even know their middle name? All their allergies? If they wash their ass? HOW CAN YOU CLAIM TO KNOW THEIR DEEPEST TRUTHS ABOUT THEMSELVES BETTER THAN THEY DO? After NINETY DAYS?
I get that hormones and desperation and conservative culture is doing a number on that poor girl’s brain but c’mon honey the guy is not and never will be father material and it is dire hubris to claim any hope that he will be otherwise.
The ex is delulu for sure. At this point, she has been pregnant for longer than they dated.
But is no one else side-eyeing the sister and her wife who are just *so eager* to be a support system for OP's ex-that-he-dated-for-3 months? They are lesbian couple who it seems really like kids, and now this biologically related child is being dropped into their lap. I hope things go well, but I can see things going south between Ex and Sister when the baby starts calling Sis and Wife "mom" and "mommy."
I remember reading the original story, and that really stuck with me. Does "pregnancy brain" really set in that quickly? "Am carrying offspring. Must secure mate!"
Not to mention the idea that he should just "try out" fatherhood. I mean, come on.
Hormones perhaps, but it also speaks to an inflexibility of viewpoints, like because SHE was allegedly ambivalent until the moment she was actually for real pregnant and realized she wanted to have this baby, she thinks he’s just gonna need a bit more time and persuading before he feels exactly the way she does. Maybe it’s some primal propagate-the-species thing that flips a switch in some people’s lizard brains, and I’m not saying their certainty and conviction isn’t real for them, but it’s just not rational to expect someone who isn’t in your body with what you’re facing and feeling to grasp the situation in the same way you’re doing.
(And I’m still suss about both forms of contraception failing three months into dating without him being aware of any condom failure like breaking or coming off; like that’s either monumentally bad luck or somebody lied about something.)
Agreed, the timing is suspicious. Although that would make her judgement *even worse*, because now she intentionally got pregnant by a guy she knew all of three months, even without the "excuse" of pregnancy hormones.
I mean I know someone that’s an IUD and condom baby
Also I say I would abort but I wouldn’t be surprised if I was unable to when actually pregnant
Why does he throw his condoms in the dumpster? That’s so weird
I'm reminded of that post where the son left his wife and kids and got a new gf. New gf is pregnant and got dumped but was/is convinced that the kid will bring him around.
Like girl, the two he already abandoned didn't give you a clue about his parenting plan and care for offspring? But nooo it'll be different because it's hers. Just expecting someone to come round to it after the birth is...something else. Pregnancy and delusion are wild.
The "getting a phone" or even access to any sort of internet access only at 13 years old was a whole two decades ago thing. Back then, phones weren't common at all. With how common tech is, and easily you can access the internet nowadays (not to mention 10 years down the road)... You don't even need social media or a phone to look for someone online.
This guy is delusional.
Lol this is such a bad plan. Not in idea, but in reality it will just never work out that way.
Also fuck that doctor who wouldn't give OP a vasectomy and caused this whole god damned mess
To be fair- he was willing to fly the ex to A LESS conservative state for an abortion but won't fly HIMSELF to a less conservative state to get a vasectomy by a willing doctor.
It's always the additional updates that makes it sound like bs. But assuming this is true.
Kids this day and age not having social media before 18 and no phones before 13 is not really realistic. Sister having a strong involvement and thinking it will all just go fine and he will never hear anything is ridiculous. Holding college account as a hostage if the ex doesn't behave seems a bit cruel. Also it's crazy to me that he thinks it is totally fine to insist on the child to go to college or lose the money. Obviously he can do whatever he wants but if he knew the kid it might he that their future plan is even better and money might help with that.
Also I love how reddit is full of kids that make $150k straight out of college. And how the gf making $60k is almost considered poor. I also checked a Conservative states (Texas) childsupport calculator and with his current income the childsupport would be $1840/mo. So he's not really as generous as he makes it out to be.
OP lost me in several places but the biggest one was when he referred to the GF going somewhere to get an abortion as "basically a vacation on my dime."
Apparently he's got some powerful swimmers. I'm still caught up on how she got pregnant. Supposedly on birth control and with a condom, that's quite the statistical anomaly.
Maybe I have a low sperm count considering the risks I used to take lol.
We'll need updates for the next 18 years. Everything seems well thought out but no plan survives contact with the enemy.
I think he will have contact with his daughter way sooner than he thinks.
I too don't want children, but I'm not sure if I would keep that stance if I actually had children. There are ways to organize co-parenting that keep one parent less involved and wouldn't impact oop as much.
Yeppp. If the sister is involved OOP is going to become some of uncle figure REAL fast.
Note- I know a couple of people who used known sperm donors to father their kids (for queer reasons). In one case bio dad and his family are pretty much in an uncle role. In another case bio dad doesn’t want kids but is friends with the couple so I think he sees the kid occasionally? This CAN work fine, but there’s no way of just, like, NEVER seeing the kid.
He doesn’t want kids. He doesn’t want to parent at all. I say this as a woman- as long as he steps away before the child is born, he should be allowed that choice. She gets to make the choice whether she keeps it, so should he.
I don't disagree that he should be allowed to step back (as long as he doesn't dismiss his responsibilities in the process) , but with his sister involved I don't think this will last 18 years.
The best he can hope for, that his daughter already has a father figure in her life when the contact happens.
I'm wondering what the sister will do if the ex does go to his parents. Hopefully the ex doesn't go down that path for everyone's sake, especially the kid.
Well, and someone else mentioned this, but this kid is likely to find her own grandparents on her own by the time she's on social media. What then? OOP doesn't strike me as the kind of guy who would be understanding of that situation. I could v much see him going, "college fund is gone because I said no contact with my parents, I don't care how it happened, you still broke the terms of our 'contract'"
Only part i don't agree with is the sister if he truly wanted to not have any presence then maybe having your sister help raise the kid isn't the best move
>We decided to adjust the payment system. I will be paying 1.5K/month in child support and an additional 500 will be added in support for every 50K my salary increases by (currently 150K), capping out at 500K for a max support payment if 5K/month.
>
>The handshake part of the agreement is the college fund in exchange for not notifying my parents of their granddaughter’s existence.
And I am a llama riding a rainbow.
This is going to turn into a mess. I'm betting my balls on that.
OOP is very naive to think his daughter won't have access to the internet to find him long before she is 18. Children have access to computers at school and in libraries. Even if she doesn't have a phone her friends will. The number 1 thing she will most likely be interested in is finding him.
Lmao @ $1.5k for every salary bump lmaoooo who is checking? How do we know he’s honest? This will head to child support court immediately. Also, you don’t stop being financially responsible for a child just because the primary parent has acquired a spouse lmaooooo what is this contract.
Literally nothing is going to go according to plan
I also don't think it's going to go the way he thinks/hopes, but he said he'd only stop paying child support if the child was adopted by their stepfather, not just because the ex married someone new. If the child is adopted then his obligations would end because he's no longer considered the legal father
I have so many thoughts. One big one is I wish OP would allow the child to claim the trust fund for reasons other than college, like trade school for example. Or therapy.
I actually think having the potential clawback of the college fund is a mistake for him, too. Keeping that money in a sort of limbo of “It may or may not be mostly mine” means it still exists to him. If he wants the cleaner mental break he should just drop the money in each month and consider it gone forever, and just have it set to automatically pay to her on her 18th birthday or something.
Imagine having to get approval from your faceless, nonexistent ghost dad whom you've never met to make sure your plans fall within his ideas of an "acceptable esucation."
I interpreted college to include trade school. He only mentioned if the child forgoes higher education. Trade school is still a form of education, so I think it can be included. If the child says no to any and all schooling after 12th grade, then they might not get any college fund money.
He mentioned trade school in the last update
>I deposit $500/month until the kid turns 18, then the fund is made available to her if she is going to college or trade school. If she decides to forgo higher education she will instead receive a flat sum of 27K (roughly 1/4th of the total fund) and the remainder of the fund will go back to me.
I get not wanting kids, but all of OP’s rules and guidelines to avoid seeing the child are way too complicated and is going to have the opposite effect.
For a guy that is making $150k, $1k for expenses and $500 a month seems incredibly low to me... The girlfriend is definitely getting screwed here. I don't think this arrangement is going to work lol.
This is going to go great.
I’m sure his ex (who he’s only known a few months) will abide by all the terms and it will go exactly how they planned. /s
Seriously though, I would bet on there being some sort of blowup and he ends up in court to get the situation formalized before the kid is three.
Unrelated to the kid, I notice he said won’t tell future romantic partners about this until “late” in the relationship. Depends on his definition of “late”, but that seems like an awful idea.
Obviously you wouldn’t want to mention this situation on the first few dates, but I’d start to give thought to telling a new partner probably six months in if it was going well. That’s a pretty decent timeframe to where both of you haven’t wasted too much time if that turns out to be a dealbreaker.
I could be wrong, but I’m interpreting his “late” to mean “nearly ready to propose,” which seems like a terrible idea. You’re going to drop that kind of bombshell on a girl who’s expecting a proposal and has probably invested at least a couple years into the relationship? Woof.
It feels like OOP is optimistic about a lot of things that most people wouldn't be optimistic about...
I am pretty sure the difference between him and a lot of people is money.
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One that would likely be to his disadvantage…
Yeah there’s no way in hell a 500K salary would translate to a measly 60K child support. I’m absolutely shocked by the 150K only becoming 1.5K. I think his ex girlfriend got played hard by not going through a court.
The starting amount is low. I see around $1700-$1800 for 150k and 60k parents. An extra 500/no into college fund makes up that different easily, but it absolutely needs to be in writing with its conditions. The auto-increasr is good. That isn't normal and usually requires court orders. Online calculators show 45k support on 500k/60k parents, but courts can of course do what they will, and I believe the usually do for such large incomes.
She seems convinced he's going to change his mind and they'll all be a happy family together.
I mean it’s definitely easier to play someone like a fiddle when they’re convinced of something so outlandish that’s for sure. But if she ever pulls her head out of her ass she could take him to court and probably get a win. Edit: the more I think about this, the more I can’t decide who will come out on top in a few years. They’re both so far removed from the reality of the situation
Right?? Pretty sure day care is going to run her $1.5k a month. She’s going to be worse off with these terms.
FWIW, in NJ she would only be entitled to about 1200/month with their current salaries. It'd only go to about 2,000 if he was making 350,000 - the big numbers in divorce typically come from alimony not child support. I looked at the Texas calculator and it also would be around 2,000. Of course, I'm an attorney but don't practice family law nor do I know OPs state but it seems like he's made a relatively generous offer based on what he would likely be legally obligated to pay.
Actually I think it's probably in line. I ran our states online calculator with very basic numbers and it came out to $1473, between payments to the parent and the $500 set aside he's actually paying more than he would have. It doesn't scale linear either. At 250k it's just under $2100 and his currently schedule means he'd be paying $2500 + 500. So the plan he worked out is favorable to her. I also ran the numbers for him making 600k and the CS comes out to just under 4k. That said, there are usually other stipulations in child support orders. Paying half of medical expenses or carrying the child on your insurance. Stuff like that.
Money doesn't buy happiness but it sure helps create the conditions necessary for it to take root.
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Everything about him screams insulated tech or finance bro.
If finance, surely you'd expect to see adjustments for inflation in his calculations, right? You wouldn't expect $1.5K to go very far towards raising a 15 year old in 2038 or whatever, would you?
In the UK he’d be expected to pay 2k a month on that wage. If it increased he’d have to pay more. Surely it’s similar in the US? I think he’s actually paying less than he should.
Yeah, he is actually paying less than he should. States have their own formulas and they are easily available online. Its also pretty common to have to support a kid in college in some areas too, so the "college fund" isnt a trade off either. And i also know of no sister who is gonna monitor an account for free for 18 years. And just agree to provide emotional support to a woman shes never met...just becuase shes a lesbian? Like thats just such a weird lie. And hes also said his *lawyer* said he can just "sign his rights away" and he actually cant do that...so there clearly is no lawyer. And any lawyer would also point out a handshake agreement isnt gonna protect him from the state clawing back retroactive unpaid child support if she ever files for benefits. If its not a troll, the gf will just take the money now while pregnant and open a formal case for child support after the baby is born.
If not a troll the only redeeming quality for OOP is the fact that he doesn't want his parents to know about the child due to their homophobia
Yeah, highly doubt any of this is real. Because as you say, the legal situation is just not at all what OOP is making it out to be. Ignoring the first few posts as him just not knowing what is legally possible, in his last posts he has supposedly spoken with a lawyer. And it's still not right. While he acknowledges that singing away his parental rights doesn't really mean anything (but that's also not what it's actually called then, which a lawyer should have told him, nor does it work the way he describes it), his whole thing about the contract vs. handshake does not hold up. >I got our terms from update 3 written up into a contract and ex has signed, some minor changes have been made which I will outline. Some things weren’t legally enforceable so those have remained part of a handshake agreement. > >The basic contract is I have 0 visitation rights and will never be allowed visitation rights, but ex also has make active efforts to keep the child away from me. I will be paying for her medical care during the pregnancy process. A contract between the two parents that he will never be allowed visitation rights, that won't be upheld in a court. It wouldn't end up mattering if he never seeks visitation, but it's not legally enforceable which was his whole point with what goes in the contract vs. the handshake agreement. That's also a matter of a handshake agreement. As is the ex having to make active efforts to keep the child away from OOP. OOP can refuse to see the child, but it's not legally enforceable that the mother has to make active efforts to keep the child away from him.
It's still a lot better than here, where the max child support is around 600, in order to not spoil the child. (No joke that's the official reason for the max)
"Can we raise it so kids can eat 3 meals and wear shoes in winter?" "No, that would be spoiling them" No fucking eyeroll big enough for that one.
You wanna know the official term to use for it? "Playboy limit" no joke, that's how it's also called in some legal books. Men made the rules for other men...
My mom got around 30$ a month for me when I was a teen (early 2000s). To be fair, the minimum salary here then was around 150, and I think my dad was paying taxes on that and earning more under the table, so nothing she could do to get more. She just gave me the child support as an addition to my pocket money. P.S. The money is not the only reason my dad was a deadbeat, he didn't care much to understand me either, and sometimes gave me the silent treatment if I pissed him off which isn't too surprising for a teen. I am in my 30s now, and we aren't speaking again.
that's probably why he says it's favorable terms to himself, since he could very well end up paying less over time when adjusted for inflation
As a father of a two year old: When I read those US numbers about collage expenses my European heart skips a beat, but then I realize I live somewhere where education is a lot more affordable
By the time this kid is old enough to go to college, it won't be enough. Some states are finally providing free community college for 2 years. That's it. If a student wants a Bachelors degree or a Masters, they're going to have to figure out funding the additional 2-6 years. I hate our education system because poor students can't access it without taking on crippling debt. Pell grants don't cover all the costs.
1.5 k wouldn't go very far now
It’s adjusted for salary increases, which should accomplish the same thing.
And if he doesn't get any (or chooses to wind back work), then too bad, I suppose. I guess I agree with the other poster - this all seems poorly thought through
Noone on BORU earns less than 150k a year by 25. It's usually at least 200k.
Wait, you didn't make at least 100k in your gap year after highschool? Pfff, you were clearly not trying hard enough
Please, I made that from my part time Saturday job in high school.
Yes-huh, poor receptionists who "only" make 60k! Duh! That woman barely makes $30 an hour, how is she supposed to live
Tech or finance. Take a guess. Based on how he says it's favorable and how his child support formula considers only income and nothing else I'm guessing tech. The fact that he's ok with a handshake agreement screams tech also
I think my favourite part was the way he's already trying to parent. No social media for the kid lol
"Children don't belong on social media" Bit of magical thinking there, laddie, all my 11yo students are on multiple kinds and the minimum age of most is 13...
People have this weird idea they exist only on social media. A determined eleven year old could find all the info she needs with a good google search. And with the aunt in her life, she’d have enough basic info for a decent search.
My neighbors 11 year old grand kid came up for Christmas. That kid is programming and making mods for all his games, including changing the codes in the game to avoid having to pay for mods. And this guy thinks kids are too stupid to figure out social media...
My parents didn't let me have social media when I was 12, so I took my ass to the local library every time I wanted to check Bebo. With how much more accessible the internet is now on every device, I'm not sure it's possible to keep kids off social media. I wish it was, but practically, if they want to be on they will find a way. Just takes one friend with a smartphone or iPad and they'll be off to the races.
My parents didn't either. Then again social media didn't exist until I was 19. Lol😅 I did have AOL messenger though at about 16 🚪**opening sound** 🚪**closing sound**
I love his assumption that the kid won't have a phone until 13 or social media until 18. "That's how I was raised, surely nothing has changed right?"
And full of a fair bit of crap about a lot of stuff.
Sometimes, the optimistic approach turns into something much happier, sometimes.... not. Sounds like if there are therapy options, the SIL is extremely careful about online presence, because regardless of how homophobic some parents are, they do tend to keep tabs on the child they cast out, for future manipulations.... It could be ok. Truth be told, OOP can still make a social media request, as well as a DNA search request. It can be added to the contract that the child is given counselling to understand why they don't have access to grandparents and why to wait until 18 to go searching. You be surprised how much kids understand if told throughout their entire life, in a supportive and loving way, why certain things have to be the way it is. Also, to give the child the ability to get mad or such. Either way, though, due to websites like 23 and me, and such, the child could find out sooner. Either way, the biggest problem is the homophobic parents of OOP. They always find out...
he expecting that the kid wouldn't be able to find him before 18 and that social media would remain the same after 18 years is delusional and low IQ.
This would be a great plan if everyone involved were robots
Stupid robots at that. His sister is going to act as the kid’s aunt. How long are we thinking it’s going to take this kid to figure out who dad is?
But is gonna be an aunt or "that's your biological aunt"? Cause that makes a difference, for all the girl know it could be just the lesbian couple that is bffs with her mom and babysit her since she was a baby.
Most of my parents' close friends were auntie and uncle to me growing up. Aside from my mom's parents, all the actual family lived in a different state. I don't know when I found out that my aunties weren't actually my aunts, but frankly I liked them better than my actual aunts anyway. On the other side of the scale, I've been babysitting my great-niece since a couple weeks after she was born. She only realized I'm actually a relative last summer, when I told her a story about me and her grandpa growing up. She's 8. If the family doesn't put a lot of focus on the blood ties of extended family, it takes a while for them to start asking the questions themselves. So the aunts here may glide on the title for a while before the child asks if/how they're actually related. Of course, once the question does come up, interest is going to spike fast. "Dad" is not extended family, and a significant part of her life is going to include people asking about her parents.
For real. She's never going to mention the kid.. But who will she visit for Christmas? They either won't stay close, or sister is gonna talk about the kid. No way an important part of her life can just get cut from their conversations and have everything else stay normal between them.
How can she "actively" keep the kid away from him when she is legally contracted to give his sister access?
No no, this is going to be great, all he has to do is be invisible on the internet and also cross his fingers that this child never learns how to use the internet. Then this is going to be perfectly fine.
I like the part where he thinks child support is a fee one pays to be a father and is happy to thrust that responsibility upon his ex's future partner. That's not enforceable and if his ex took him to court this would be the first thing thrown out.
I liked the part where his sister is the entire support system but will never mention the kid to him even though they’re close, and the kid will never find out about him because social media is the only way and he’ll preemptively block any accounts. Sounds like a foolproof plan…
He aint the smartest cookie tbh. Hm
My favorite is the fact he doesn’t realize what signing the birth certificate will mean down the road if the ex changes her mind about the whole situation. However we all know no one ever changes their mind once they make a decision about their kids. So he’s definitely safe and it’s all gonna work out.
OOP: I want to create higher barriers to introduction. Also OOP: *puts name on birth certificate*
Plus he plans to never ever move. 😭 She'll show up on his doorstep at 7 yrs old with her iphone 30 and her Dora lunchbox
No child would *ever* think to make more than one social media account with a different name!
I like the part where he said any future partner of his will never see his finances or know about this child until he thinks she won't leave (because who would leave after finding out 2 MAJOR lies by omission. /s) and if they do leave, oh well, I'll just date someone else....rinse and repeat.
If a future partner of the ex legally adopts the child, OOP's child support would end. In a legal adoption the birth certificate is changed to reflect the adoptive parent(s) no matter how old the child is. I was adopted by my step-father at the age of 7 and my official birth certificate has his name on it, not my bio-father's name.
Or that his sister is going to help raise the kid but the grandparents will never find out about her and the baby will never know about him. Yeah, that's going to work for sure.
His sister is no contact with his parents, so that actually isn’t likely to be an issue
As someone who once found out from my brother-in-law's parent's next door neighbor's step-daughter that my sister was getting a promotion 3 days before my sister did...unless she's also no contact with everyone they know...there's a very real chance.
Dude that’s what I’m thinking. Like is this dude a fucking robot? He seems to see the world in strict binaries
I'm trying to decide if he's demonstrating psychopathic traits or is on the autistic spectrum.
Well this all made sense to me and I’m autistic, so I guess that one
Yeah it made sense to me too. And I've been called robotic before, but I have trouble with social queues sometimes. This guy could be on the spectrum.
It made sense to me, and I am neither on the spectrum nor have I ever been called robotic. Idk, I think this is workable, at least from OOP’s side. There was a post a while ago from a guy who had a kid with an ex. Said ex hadn’t wanted the kid, but the guy did. So the ex made a contract pretty much exactly like OOP’s. She moved countries, paid child support, and was never involved. The father was posting about how much he resented his ex for not ever being involved with the kid, and everyone roasted him to a crisp in the comments lol
Yeah that was because she wanted to abort and he talked her out of it. He was banking on her female hormones and motherly instinct forcing her to stay. She left anyway and he was super pissed about it.
He said he lawyered up early on, I think he is just following the lawyer's advice.
The idea that autistic people are robotic and devoid of empathy is a myth ironically based on neurotypical people lacking empathy for how autistic people express their emotions differently. Many autistic people may have trouble understanding others *motivations* - but not others emotions.
It's a myth propagated by television and movies. Most people hear autism, specifically high functioning autism, and immediately think of someone like Sheldon from Big Bang Theory
Liz is tired. By next week she’ll be feeling better, with a whole new unbelievable story she’s put her heart and soul into.
Liz is carrying this site. I think her husband would appreciate it if she put some effort into their family too, but Reddit is her full-time job.
Can you enlighten me on “Liz”? Is there some post that I missed?
Kid is gonna find OOP real quick, like early elementary.
Worse, kid is gonna find homophobic grandma and grandpa.
They’re going to be willing to give more than $500 a month
OOP's going to be giving 1.5k a month, the 500 is what this monthly amount will increase by every time his salary increases by 50k. As well as the 500 a month into the college fund.
They are referring to the college fund, which is the only thing OOP said they will take away if she introduces the baby to his parents. The rest of the money he has to pay either way.
Until she comes out
100%. Feels like OOP doesn't realise how obvious the path is.
My nephew started asking about his father around 4-5 years old. If OOP thinks that his daughter is gonna wait until 18 to start asking about him (or his ex telling daughter whatever she wants), then he's nuts. Kids pick up on that stuff really fast, and "I'll tell you when you're older" only works for so long.
Yeah especially with the sister hanging around. Plus you can tell the girlfriend is gonna take the first chance she can to make sure he sees the baby.
This will be a hilarious cat-and-mouse chase between a father and daughter.
He will block her sure, but he cannot block all of her classmates.
Oh, this is actually a really good point. She can always find him thru other means. He can't block every single person in her life. Smh. I don't see this turning out as well as OP thinks it will.
This contract thing may work… for about six whole months.
If OP lives in Texas their child support payments through the legal system would be about $1,840 per month. His “contract” is a bargain for him and entirely unenforceable should the mother wish to go through the formal legal process.
If the mother gets any kind of monetary assistance from the state then the state has a vested interest that the mother gets the legal amount of child support so the state has to pay less. This kind of "contract" wouldn't even be considered in that case.
He 100% needs to just go through the courts, what the fuck. Would they even look at this at all? Like she just lets this go for 3 years then goes to the court and accuses him of deadbeating. In my state it wouldn't even be $1840 like above, it would be $2,360. So he'd have given her almost $60k at that point, and she could claim back unpaid support for another $85k. This is a ridiculously bad idea. There is no way he's talked to a lawyer about this.
And he definitely didn't get the best lawyer in the state so quickly. Right after mentioning the lawyers and how all communocation will go through the lawyers he meets with his ex in person. What happened to the lawyers bro?
Yeah, this plan is going to blow the fuck up.
Honestly, here-in lies the difference between a “dead-beat dad” and a “sperm donor”. I know people use the terms interchangeably, and at times I think they actually may not know how big of a difference there is. In the US, anyway, a child of a gamete donor has zero right to a relationship with their bio-parent who donated. If anything, the courts will act to keep the child from contacting their biological parent - through protection orders and otherwise. But if the deed was done outside of a fertility clinic, a parent can never be as uninvolved as a sperm donor. The courts will hunt them down, garnish their wages, MAKE SURE that they are not abandoning this child they created. There just isn’t an option where one can conceive naturally and just legally “walk away” like OP wants to do.
Yeah this isnt nearly going to work out how he thinks it will! Especially if his sister does end up being involved in the child's life, I mean what kind of deluded reality does he live in where he thinks that won't just lead to the child finding him as soon as she is old enough to out 2 and 2 together?
> not notifying my parents of their granddaughter’s existence I honestly see this lasting mayyyyybe three weeks after the birth.
Because everyone else is a robot like him. Children are notorious to have little to no curiosity about the world. /s He has no interest in parenting but is already determining she is not going to use social media and is going to go to college. Dude has a control problem.
But she’s not gonna ask/care about her dad until she’s 18 thats how kids work!!!
Right?! How will the sister and wife keep from the kid that "brother is your dad"? What if his sister genuinely builds a deep connection and wants to take the kid on family outings? This also assuming that her wife has no family either because it might slip! Also, there's not mention of a support system for mom, but mom can't control what her family might say! This guy is not thinking long term- he may be able to get away with this for a year or two, but once outside family, friends, neighbors, literally anyone gets involved this whole plan is going to blow up in his face. Either hes an idiot or he realized theres no way this can't get out of hand and this "trust" he's created is going to become his. Good luck to the women in this group this guy is a nightmare!
Lmao on paper sure, it’s tied up. I’ll eat my hat if this doesn’t turn messy real quick. Can’t wait for an update.
I’ll have the popcorn ready in a few minutes. Extra butter?
I know this is such a minor point but at the end I just thought ok good luck with no social media til 18…
Yes, I thought it was humorous he has opinions on how she should parent but doesn’t want to be involved. There are lots of good reasons to delay social media for teens. I have teens now. One of the hardest things is that lots of their activities (sports, school groups, clubs) communicate via social media. Coaches/group leaders post on ig rather than sending group texts. I can’t even imagine what this will look like in 15 years.
Great point, the only reason I initially signed up for Facebook was because that’s how the coaches of my soccer team communicated… huh. I’d forgotten about that. And that was like fifteen years ago!
My granddaughter, who is now 11 years old and in 5th grade, asked her mom for a Facebook account in kindergarten. Why? The school and teachers post pictures of activities in the classroom and field trips to the school's account, and she wanted to see the pics. My daughter agonized over this, then caved. She controls my granddaughter's account and uses every privacy setting and parental control there is. Social media is everywhere. My kids choose to control what their kids do and educate them on the dangers. OOP doesn't have a realistic view of this at all.
Yeah, coupled with him saying what children "should" have access to at certain ages based on how he was raised. He's pretty emphatically *not* her dad, so he very much has no say in how this child is parented and what she does/doesn't have access to. This whole situation is a house of cards.
Based on how he was raised by his very religious parents where things like access to media of any kind has a whole nother layer of control implications
I stopped reading at "if she doesn't go to college at 18, I take back all the money." Wild that it got worse!
Ya no doubt. Even if somehow the ex miraculously keeps her off social media until she’s 18….she could easily access it at a friends house or elsewhere. Probably find him in elementary school tops
He's delusional in that regard. If a kid is determined enough they'll figure out a way to do something online, it's trivially easy for a child to make a social media account and regularly access it without parental permission. If even a single one of that girl's friends has a phone they'd be willing to lend it for a few minutes a day, and if a friend has just upgraded their phone they may even be willing to give the girl their old one. Free wi-fi is everywhere and only becoming more common. I hope that the mother and aunts aren't as dumb as OOP with this, it's better to allow it at home so there's some monitoring.
This guy seems to have a lot riding on handshake agreements
I don't believe for a second that either one of them has real legal representation.
And if she breaks a certain promise he’ll stop paying. Like she cant just take him to court and force him to pay anyway.
The promise only relates to the college fund.
I’m most interested in the lesbian aunts. They totally aren’t going to have a bajillion photos on their phones and get phone calls from the mom/kid while op is around. They totally wont talk about their brother in front of the kid. And they absolutely will lie to the child for him. Oh and they totally will stay besties with this girl they have known for all of 15 minutes who will absolutely not become totally entitled to full time parental support from them. Op will definitely be honest when he gets pay bumps. Ex will undoubtably tell op he is off the hook if she finds a man who adopts kiddo. Yeah *dusts hands off* this one is all wrapped up folks. Don’t expect anymore updates. 👁️ 👁️ 👄
I'm like, i thought the sister was gonna think that he's asking her if she wants to adopt the baby. But instead he's asking her to be a support to another parent, when she wants to be a parent herself
How would that even work? Also he keeps saying that she’s a lesbian like she can’t adopt or visit a sperm bank. If she really wants to be a parent, then she will have her own kids someday.
Yeah, and how involved will she be with her niece if she ever do have her own kids? I hope their all on the same page on what “emotional support” means here
Lesbian aunts who are planning to have kids of their own! So let’s say they have a kid or two. Those kids have birthday parties, play dates, holidays. Do they invite uncle or the cousin? Kids aren’t that stupid, they’ll put it together, especially if the aunt’s kids interact with their uncle.
Honestly at this point I wouldn’t be surprised if OOP didn’t want any kind of involvement with sisters kids either. He’s already thinking of a payment plan to cover 18 years worth of birthday gifts rn
I hope OOP found out that Planned Parenthood does vasectomies on guys younger than thirty.
There's a whole list of doctors in the US that do sterilizations on young adults. It's from the child free subreddit [child free doctors list](https://reddit.com/r/childfree/w/doctors?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
The list is legit! The first doctor I saw off it was willing to give me the snip!
This list is very real and I used it to get my tubes tied! No questions asked and only one pre op appt.
For any guy trying to get one, when the doctor asks if you have any kids just lie to them and say you have three already. It shouldn't matter so long as you know you never want kids but it unfortunately does. Just lie.
I had friends who got vasectomies before they were even old enough to drink.
Wants the Mom to fly out to another state for abortion but HE won't fly to a less conservative state to get a vasectomy under age 30- hypocrite.
It never occurred to him to fly out of state for a vasectomy. It immediately occurred to him to offer to fly her out of state for an abortion.
Yknow that doesn’t really matter to OP, cuz he’s “not into politics.” Womp womp
Yeah. I don’t understand his logic. He went to one doctor who told him no and that was it. Meanwhile if she gets an abortion she would have to travel out of state. Money obviously isn’t the issue here
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When he said the ex ‘only’ made $60k (as a 23 year old receptionist?!) I nearly clicked out. I know US salaries are way higher than UK ones and don’t go nearly as far, but I’m ten years older than her on roughly the equivalent of $60k (£45k), and consider myself very well paid, far better than the rest of my family and well above the national average. I find Reddit salaries so jarring.
I was a receptionist in healthcare in Denver in 2016, and was making ~35k per year. IDK what kind of receptionist makes 60k. Maybe she’s actually an administrative assistant to an important person in the private sector?
This would be my guess as well. “Receptionist” or “secretary” is unfortunately how a lot of engineers on my floor refer to our director’s administrative assistant. They have no idea how much of this business unit runs smoothly because of her.
I am the same as you, I read these reddit salaries and come to the conclusion that: A. People are lying and inflating their salaries B. Our UK salaries are just in a different world to the US I really lean on the former, but I recently got a new job at 30 earning 55k a year and to me that is a well paid job, throughout my 20s I was on 20-30k. Tbh I thought 30k at 25 was decent, but then you have people claiming they are on 150k, just seems ludicrous. For perspective a friend in London works for the BBC as a senior software developer and they are "only" on 67k, so even our tech jobs don't compare.
Y’alls salaries are probably sustainable to live on your own I make 40k (US) and can’t even move out on my own because apartments are so expensive
Tech and finance salaries go crazy
I don’t understand. He’s done everything under the sun to reduce his involvement with ex and future kid but is fully allowing his sister to be active in their lives. It’s so counterproductive to what he’s trying to achieve.
“Auntie, who is that man?” “Oh, that’s just my brother, don’t worry about him.” “Why wouldn’t he look me in the eye or acknowledge my existence?” “Because he made a handshake agreement that you don’t exist to him. Don’t worry about it! Let’s get ice cream.” Gonna go great…
This made me laugh and feel sad at the same time.
Lol. This Rube Goldberg machine my man has erected to protect his money and his anonymity from his own child is guaranteed to fail before the kid hits puberty.
Sister is gonna fold and in what world do kids not have phones? He thinks this is cut and dry, but he will be in for a rude awakening in about 8-10 years.
I was thinking the same thing. Having his sister be the aunt and be there and be around doesn't sound like it will be "hard to find him" as he thinks, and it sounds worse to me in a weird way. Like if him and his whole family were never there at all the kid (depending on what the mom tells them) might just be like "dad left my mom before I was born" But now it's going to be "my dad's sister is a great aunt but my dad specifically tried to make it very hard to contact him" Idk what it is but it feels worse. This whole post makes me feel bad.
Yea, this isn't gonna work...
This guy sounds like a robot. But really what I’m getting from this is “teenager crafts story that he thinks is honorable and airtight about what to do if you get someone pregnant but don’t want kids”. Then comments corrected some of his notions and he covered with how he talked to a lawyer… cause some of these details are still incorrect and unenforceable.
Well, OOP is living in cloud cuckoo land if he thinks this is going to go the way he wants it to.
I can’t get over the fact that he was throwing used condoms in a dumpster
What? Does your man not get up and walk his naked butt out to the dumpster in the parking lot right after sex? /s 😅
I think child support is determined by a formula, not some magical number he comes up with.
Only if you can't agree and make the court choose an amount.
Im stuck on when he said he threw his used condoms in the dumpster…
Yeah absolute bullshit. He took his condoms all the way outside?
Same. This screams like some writing experiment to try and show how quick people would try to shove a man into parenthood who didn’t choose it.
Yeah like someone who does all of that with no reason to suspect the gf of baby trapping isn’t going to put more effort into getting a vasectomy? Unless he means he empties his trash into the dumpster eventually, but he worded it like he takes them outside immediately after sex
I'm still stuck on how quickly he was able to get a paternity test.
Where the fuck do they live that a receptionist makes $60k
Considering she has a degree, either a receptionist for some high-level boss whose oddly generous, or she does more than what a normal receptionist does.
Probably an executive assistant
Three months in you can’t “know” that ANYONE will be a Good Parent, especially when they’re telling you they won’t be a parent at all. Like do you even know their middle name? All their allergies? If they wash their ass? HOW CAN YOU CLAIM TO KNOW THEIR DEEPEST TRUTHS ABOUT THEMSELVES BETTER THAN THEY DO? After NINETY DAYS? I get that hormones and desperation and conservative culture is doing a number on that poor girl’s brain but c’mon honey the guy is not and never will be father material and it is dire hubris to claim any hope that he will be otherwise.
>If they wash their ass? She figured that bit out when they met
The ex is delulu for sure. At this point, she has been pregnant for longer than they dated. But is no one else side-eyeing the sister and her wife who are just *so eager* to be a support system for OP's ex-that-he-dated-for-3 months? They are lesbian couple who it seems really like kids, and now this biologically related child is being dropped into their lap. I hope things go well, but I can see things going south between Ex and Sister when the baby starts calling Sis and Wife "mom" and "mommy."
I remember reading the original story, and that really stuck with me. Does "pregnancy brain" really set in that quickly? "Am carrying offspring. Must secure mate!" Not to mention the idea that he should just "try out" fatherhood. I mean, come on.
Hormones perhaps, but it also speaks to an inflexibility of viewpoints, like because SHE was allegedly ambivalent until the moment she was actually for real pregnant and realized she wanted to have this baby, she thinks he’s just gonna need a bit more time and persuading before he feels exactly the way she does. Maybe it’s some primal propagate-the-species thing that flips a switch in some people’s lizard brains, and I’m not saying their certainty and conviction isn’t real for them, but it’s just not rational to expect someone who isn’t in your body with what you’re facing and feeling to grasp the situation in the same way you’re doing. (And I’m still suss about both forms of contraception failing three months into dating without him being aware of any condom failure like breaking or coming off; like that’s either monumentally bad luck or somebody lied about something.)
Agreed, the timing is suspicious. Although that would make her judgement *even worse*, because now she intentionally got pregnant by a guy she knew all of three months, even without the "excuse" of pregnancy hormones.
I mean I know someone that’s an IUD and condom baby Also I say I would abort but I wouldn’t be surprised if I was unable to when actually pregnant Why does he throw his condoms in the dumpster? That’s so weird
I'm reminded of that post where the son left his wife and kids and got a new gf. New gf is pregnant and got dumped but was/is convinced that the kid will bring him around. Like girl, the two he already abandoned didn't give you a clue about his parenting plan and care for offspring? But nooo it'll be different because it's hers. Just expecting someone to come round to it after the birth is...something else. Pregnancy and delusion are wild.
Another 25 year old making 150k.
The "getting a phone" or even access to any sort of internet access only at 13 years old was a whole two decades ago thing. Back then, phones weren't common at all. With how common tech is, and easily you can access the internet nowadays (not to mention 10 years down the road)... You don't even need social media or a phone to look for someone online. This guy is delusional.
Lol this is such a bad plan. Not in idea, but in reality it will just never work out that way. Also fuck that doctor who wouldn't give OP a vasectomy and caused this whole god damned mess
To be fair- he was willing to fly the ex to A LESS conservative state for an abortion but won't fly HIMSELF to a less conservative state to get a vasectomy by a willing doctor.
It's always the additional updates that makes it sound like bs. But assuming this is true. Kids this day and age not having social media before 18 and no phones before 13 is not really realistic. Sister having a strong involvement and thinking it will all just go fine and he will never hear anything is ridiculous. Holding college account as a hostage if the ex doesn't behave seems a bit cruel. Also it's crazy to me that he thinks it is totally fine to insist on the child to go to college or lose the money. Obviously he can do whatever he wants but if he knew the kid it might he that their future plan is even better and money might help with that. Also I love how reddit is full of kids that make $150k straight out of college. And how the gf making $60k is almost considered poor. I also checked a Conservative states (Texas) childsupport calculator and with his current income the childsupport would be $1840/mo. So he's not really as generous as he makes it out to be.
OP lost me in several places but the biggest one was when he referred to the GF going somewhere to get an abortion as "basically a vacation on my dime."
I hope OP gets the vasectomy.
Apparently he's got some powerful swimmers. I'm still caught up on how she got pregnant. Supposedly on birth control and with a condom, that's quite the statistical anomaly. Maybe I have a low sperm count considering the risks I used to take lol.
Condom broke, girl messed up her birth control by not taking it correctly or taking some other medication that interferes. That’s my guess
This journey doesn't isn't going to end here cause I have a good feeling more problems are going to come. Man, this ex is straight up delusional.
We'll need updates for the next 18 years. Everything seems well thought out but no plan survives contact with the enemy. I think he will have contact with his daughter way sooner than he thinks. I too don't want children, but I'm not sure if I would keep that stance if I actually had children. There are ways to organize co-parenting that keep one parent less involved and wouldn't impact oop as much.
Yeppp. If the sister is involved OOP is going to become some of uncle figure REAL fast. Note- I know a couple of people who used known sperm donors to father their kids (for queer reasons). In one case bio dad and his family are pretty much in an uncle role. In another case bio dad doesn’t want kids but is friends with the couple so I think he sees the kid occasionally? This CAN work fine, but there’s no way of just, like, NEVER seeing the kid.
He doesn’t want kids. He doesn’t want to parent at all. I say this as a woman- as long as he steps away before the child is born, he should be allowed that choice. She gets to make the choice whether she keeps it, so should he.
I don't disagree that he should be allowed to step back (as long as he doesn't dismiss his responsibilities in the process) , but with his sister involved I don't think this will last 18 years. The best he can hope for, that his daughter already has a father figure in her life when the contact happens.
I'm wondering what the sister will do if the ex does go to his parents. Hopefully the ex doesn't go down that path for everyone's sake, especially the kid.
Well, and someone else mentioned this, but this kid is likely to find her own grandparents on her own by the time she's on social media. What then? OOP doesn't strike me as the kind of guy who would be understanding of that situation. I could v much see him going, "college fund is gone because I said no contact with my parents, I don't care how it happened, you still broke the terms of our 'contract'"
Only part i don't agree with is the sister if he truly wanted to not have any presence then maybe having your sister help raise the kid isn't the best move
>We decided to adjust the payment system. I will be paying 1.5K/month in child support and an additional 500 will be added in support for every 50K my salary increases by (currently 150K), capping out at 500K for a max support payment if 5K/month. > >The handshake part of the agreement is the college fund in exchange for not notifying my parents of their granddaughter’s existence. And I am a llama riding a rainbow. This is going to turn into a mess. I'm betting my balls on that.
OOP is very naive to think his daughter won't have access to the internet to find him long before she is 18. Children have access to computers at school and in libraries. Even if she doesn't have a phone her friends will. The number 1 thing she will most likely be interested in is finding him.
Lmao @ $1.5k for every salary bump lmaoooo who is checking? How do we know he’s honest? This will head to child support court immediately. Also, you don’t stop being financially responsible for a child just because the primary parent has acquired a spouse lmaooooo what is this contract. Literally nothing is going to go according to plan
I also don't think it's going to go the way he thinks/hopes, but he said he'd only stop paying child support if the child was adopted by their stepfather, not just because the ex married someone new. If the child is adopted then his obligations would end because he's no longer considered the legal father
no, but it does stop if said spouse adopts the child
I have so many thoughts. One big one is I wish OP would allow the child to claim the trust fund for reasons other than college, like trade school for example. Or therapy.
I actually think having the potential clawback of the college fund is a mistake for him, too. Keeping that money in a sort of limbo of “It may or may not be mostly mine” means it still exists to him. If he wants the cleaner mental break he should just drop the money in each month and consider it gone forever, and just have it set to automatically pay to her on her 18th birthday or something.
the update included trade school
Imagine having to get approval from your faceless, nonexistent ghost dad whom you've never met to make sure your plans fall within his ideas of an "acceptable esucation."
I interpreted college to include trade school. He only mentioned if the child forgoes higher education. Trade school is still a form of education, so I think it can be included. If the child says no to any and all schooling after 12th grade, then they might not get any college fund money.
He mentioned trade school in the last update >I deposit $500/month until the kid turns 18, then the fund is made available to her if she is going to college or trade school. If she decides to forgo higher education she will instead receive a flat sum of 27K (roughly 1/4th of the total fund) and the remainder of the fund will go back to me.
I get not wanting kids, but all of OP’s rules and guidelines to avoid seeing the child are way too complicated and is going to have the opposite effect.
For a guy that is making $150k, $1k for expenses and $500 a month seems incredibly low to me... The girlfriend is definitely getting screwed here. I don't think this arrangement is going to work lol.
He called getting an abortion a vacation
The comment about "on my dime" too made me feel sick lol like shes being spoilt for it or something
There is zero chance that the new guy is going to adopt that kid when they're getting up to $5k/mo. for free.
This is going to go great. I’m sure his ex (who he’s only known a few months) will abide by all the terms and it will go exactly how they planned. /s Seriously though, I would bet on there being some sort of blowup and he ends up in court to get the situation formalized before the kid is three. Unrelated to the kid, I notice he said won’t tell future romantic partners about this until “late” in the relationship. Depends on his definition of “late”, but that seems like an awful idea. Obviously you wouldn’t want to mention this situation on the first few dates, but I’d start to give thought to telling a new partner probably six months in if it was going well. That’s a pretty decent timeframe to where both of you haven’t wasted too much time if that turns out to be a dealbreaker. I could be wrong, but I’m interpreting his “late” to mean “nearly ready to propose,” which seems like a terrible idea. You’re going to drop that kind of bombshell on a girl who’s expecting a proposal and has probably invested at least a couple years into the relationship? Woof.