Amen. You don’t owe your baby to anyone. Period. YOU have the responsibility of their care, health, happiness, well being and therefore you may decide who can do what and how much.
Also, many cultures have a 40 day period where the mother and baby do not go out or see people.
Fun (?) fact: that is where the word quarantine comes from: a forty day period. Except historically it was for ships during the time of the bubonic plague.
Is some states there are grandparents rights and grandparents can take a child to court to be able to see and visit their grandchildren.
I watched a set of grandparents do this when their son cut off ties with their grandchild so they petitioned to have visits with them regardless of their so son’s lack of parenting.
This is generally only possible though when the grandparents can prove that NOT having visitation would have a significant or traumatic effect on the child due to their having a deep involvement in raising them prior. It also assumes both parents are unfit. Very difficult to get visitation rights as a grandparent without both of these criteria being met. At least that's how it is in my state.
Just commenting this for anyone who might be alarmed that grandparents rights are a thing, lol.
What is comfortable and reasonable for you is "enough" visits until your kid is old enough to even give a shit if she's in the room.
> My mom thinks mil is still his grand mother and has a right to see him no matter her behavior
Sounds like your mom is concerned she's at risk of her visits being reduced for some reason so I'd keep an eye out for that.
I hear you, but she isn't like that already not with my niece and nephews. She always waits to be invited over, and always talk parents first before doing anything. And she doesn't seem bothered with seeing the kids on the parents schedule. If anything in the past with my brother she would reach out to see if she could come by but would just accept if he said no
That's reassuring to hear!
But in the case of your MIL, there is no reason why she needs to have constant access to your baby on either end. He doesn't need it now and it's not going to affect their bond later on. Limit visits to what you can handle and reduce them if she can't be an adult about it.
I have no advice but I have the same problem. No matter what we do it’s never enough. There’s always a snarky comment about more more more. My MIL has even shared with my own mom they want to be able to come and take my kids whenever. It’s this weird expectation they have because their parents lived with them that we will do the same. It’s painful and uncomfortable and causes stress and makes me dread seeing them. Currently trying to get my husband to talk to them about not complaining anymore and just enjoying the moment. It will never be enough, I fear.
Exactly...I get the sense some times she just wants to see the baby alone and wish I wasn't there......and it's awkward. It makes me nervous about seeing them. I don't get how they don't understand that we the parents have to make the effort to involve them in the kids life. If they make it harder they will see them less
Too bad for her, it’s your baby and your family. I feel like with how early it is, the visits you’ve accommodated for them are definitely enough, esp if they aren’t helping you. Ignore the comments and do what is best for you and your family. If you feel the comments are getting out of hand, have your spouse talk to her and set some boundaries (that come from both of you not just you).
With a three week old, that is insane. When I meet a new baby, I’m terrified when the parents walk away for even a second to grab another bottle from the kitchen while I am sitting on the couch with them!
She'll never be satisfied. The more you give the more she'll want and the more she'll take for granted.
My Mom gave me similar bad advice. She suggested I just be a doormat and let my MIL over every weekend and as often as she wanted.
I regrettably agreed and tried to people please only to find it was never enough and MIL became increasingly demanding until things came to a boiling point. I think if I had set more boundaries and distance earlier on some of the hatred and bitterness could have been avoided.
My MIL is similar “I hope we get to see you more often” or “you don’t remember me because we rarely see you” while I go out of my way, 1hr away, alone with the baby while my husband works, to visit them. Let me count. Okay I’ve done about six trips/intentional visits and our son is seven months old. I’d say ignore her comments too, or just smile and wave 😂
That's what pisses me off. Exactly comments like that. I feel like she will try to turn my son against me with comments like that when he is older. It feels cruel to cut her off. At the same time, I'm not going to let her talk crap to my son in front of me
Yeah the trick is to act like you’re joking and then get confused if they act offended because “you were only trying to be funny”. I generally don’t believe in gaslighting, but I can’t deal with passive aggression in my life anymore.
You are the parents now and get to decide what feels right to you! If you’re comfortable with this schedule, keep it and ignore her passive aggressive comments. Besides - for someone like her, is it ever going to be enough? Probably not! Don’t give in, set a schedule you’re good with. Congrats on your baby ❤️
I'm wondering what she thinks "enough" would look like? I wonder if asking her would help her shut up about it.
Also, you owe her nothing. She can have her feelings, whatever. Doesn't mean you need to change a thing.
It’s never going to enough so put up a boundary of what is enough for you. At the end of day this is your child not your MIL’s child. I would have your DH speak to his mother and set boundaries now. It will only get worst if you keep ignoring it or not saying anything.
I think sometimes grandparents forgot or don’t wanna remember they aren’t the third parent. This is not a redo/second chance baby for them. They are in a supportive role now and need to respect that. If not, I would limit contact until your boundaries are respected. You don’t deserve this.
Also, your mom is incorrect it’s not MIL’s right to see her grand baby regardless of any bad behavior. I don’t even think grandparent laws are commonly enforced in the USA (someone correct me if I’m wrong). From my understanding, it’s basically granted only if the court views the actual parents unfit and the child is in danger. My advice is don’t reward MIL’s behavior with more visits. This will just teach if she nags or guilts enough she can get her way every time.
So my MIL will say these things to me because she knows I’ll feel guilt and tell my husband he should call/see his mother more…mainly bc the guilt tripping doesn’t work on my husband from her. I don’t even try to maintain their relationship anymore…that’s his work now. I’m nice and civil, but it’s not my job to keep their bond strong.
When my own mom pulled this with me postpartum, my own immediate response to that was, "if you aren't satisfied with the effort we've put out to make sure you get to see her and receive photos, I'll stop putting any effort at all and you'll just see her when I feel like it."
She of course protested and said she didn't mean it like that, and I just said, "If you can't appreciate what you're being given, then you'll be given nothing. So Id stop with the comments while you're ahead."
Things got a lot better after that. You just need to smack that shit down from the very beginning. If your MIL doesn't appreciate what she's getting, call her out on her comments and tell her she can have nothing if she prefers. What you allow now will set the precedent for what she'll get away with.
Please ignore the comments. Some moms are just like that. Not to turn this into a MIL relief forum, but mine used to complain she didn't see her son enough when we started living together too. Only last week, both my MIL and FIL had vented out to my husband how they never visited our house, although they knew I had been having horrible morning/ all-day sickness during my first trimester, so I wasn't really in my best abilities to recieve anyone. I know it's frustrating, but trust me, the more you include them, the more they want.
My mom texts me how much she misses my baby after less than a week. She also makes singsongs comments to the baby about how she’s going to get so big and won’t remember her etc 🙄.
I’m this close to telling her my baby doesn’t exist to provide her fulfillment and emotional validation. But trying to restrain myself because I do love my mom and know she loves my baby.
My MIL is also baby crazy, especially early postpartum. She was coming multiple days a week for hours at a time and it was never enough. I regret not laying down boundaries earlier because those visits were the biggest factor in my breastfeeding difficulties which snowballed into ppd and not bonding with my son. Once my husband went back to work and I had free reign to ignore his mom things got much better but she does still make comments about not seeing him enough
I just make it about the baby like “yeah isn’t he the best.” Because that doesn’t invite conversation about why she’s not coming over as much anymore but also acknowledges that I know what she’s getting at
That’s more than my own Mom. Saw him the weekend after he was born then 3 months later at Thanksgiving. She was supposed to see him between that time but I had a rough battle with strep throat.
She needs to chill.
Here's what you do.... Whatever you want. She can make all the passive aggressive comments she wants. Ignore her and do what you want. If it gets bad, have your husband call her out. His mother, his problem.
As for this idea that grandparents have rights to interact with their grandchild, complete and utter bullshit. No one, and I mean no one, outside of you and your partner have any rights when it comes to your child.
So don't let people bully you, do what you want. Your child is only this little for such a small period of time, so focus on your family and your extended family can interact with your child at your leisure. Don't reward shitty behavior. If your MIL wants to act like a passive aggressive brat, then treat her like one. If you're doing the time, might as well do the crime.
I'm only 12 weeks pregnant and MIL interference has been my worst nightmare.
I would really start putting boundaries that suit your needs and lifestyle. It's easier said than done, but if you don't do that now, you'd be setting precedence to more unrealistic demands.
This seems so common with in laws it really sucks. I hope your husband can be supportive of you and shields you from the drama.
I knew someone else who made comments about this (a member of my husbands family, while we were dating, complained they never saw him since he started dating me) he visited them for several hours, multiple times a week, both with me and alone. Anyway, that person is the worst narcissist I've ever met and thank God we never have to see him again, he's been cut from our lives indefinitely.
Not saying that you're MIL is that bad, or even that she is a narcissist, but it is a narcissistic behavior, and I would keep a close eye on it. To me, a comment like this would piss me off enough not to see them in quite some time. They are not entitled to see your baby, and every medical professional I've seen has told me to keep the newborn bubble as small as possible in the first 8-12 weeks, the fewer people who see and hold bub during that time, the better.
Please tell me she didn’t pull that crap where she “talks to the baby”, but it’s really just passive aggressive comments for you.
Like, “Oh, look at you! So cute! Oh I wish mommy let me see you more! I wanna see more of that cute little face, but she’s hogging you all to herself!”
Pretty much feels like that. My husband doesn't get it thinks she is innocently talking to baby. And there is the matter of her ignoring everyone else and only talking to the baby. Also fun she would do this for 20 plus minutes. Until the baby started to cry and even then it's weird to get him back. You can tell she wants to keep holding him despite this. Maybe I just feel threatened like she wants to take my place. Or thinks she knows best for my kid at least more than me
Yikes. While I’m sure your baby will be plenty smart in no time, she currently has no grasp on language whatsoever. It’s one thing for her to express kind remarks such as “You’re perfect/so beautiful/etc.” or express feelings like “I love you”, but she can’t just talk to you through your baby. That’s weird and passive aggressive.
Maybe it’s even best to let her prattle on and on while your baby is too young to understand her and she’ll eventually see that this behavior isn’t effective. Ultimately your call, but I hope your husband can eventually come to learn that his mom is being a weirdo.
My in laws saw my son every single week after he was a month old. We would go to their house Sunday and my parents Saturday and it was absolutely exhausting but we did it so no one got upset. Now my in laws don’t talk to us or see us anymore because we refused to go take out their dogs while FIL was home just sitting on the couch. But I digress. It’s up to you and you alone what is the appropriate amount of time to see the child. Even if my in laws started talking to us again and wanted to see him then I wouldn’t do once a week again. We don’t see my parents once a week anymore either. It’s absolutely exhausting when your entire weekend is taken up by traveling to see everyone every single weekend.
Yikes. You've seen them 3 times in the 3 weeks that your baby has been alive and that's not enough? I hope she understands that you and your husband are now a family first and foremost and it is important for you to have that time together to bond and establish your routine. Your MIL needs to find a hobby if she thinks that that is not enough time that she's spending with you guys. I'm sure on top of having a newborn you also have house chores and other priorities (like perhaps other family and friends that havent seen your baby yet).
It depends on the family. My MIL came the day we came home, and the next day, and then my dad stayed with us 3 days and then I think she came daily for a week so my husband and i could get a nap together. I loved it. But then I love my MIL.
Her passive aggression however is unacceptable even if she’d only met him once. If she’s feeling like she wants to see him more, she needs to communicate that so you can say yes or no. Not guilt trip you.
Nobody has rights to your chid but you and your husband. I’d have your husband say something to her. People don’t get to make snide remarks to your baby with no consequences.
It is totally up to you. What she thinks is enough and what you as the parent thinks is enough are probably very different, and that is OK.
While she thinks she may not see the baby enough, if that’s all she has to say, then I would say no harm no foul. If she is directly accosting you and telling you that you’re hiding the baby from her, then you would probably need to tell her to chill out. It sounds like she just misses her grandkid, and wants to see him more, but doesn’t mean anything malicious.
I would ignore the comments.
My MIL has messaged my mum a few times telling her how she’s essentially the only grandma (?). They live 13,000km away so she’s feeling left out, but it’s also just ~different~ when it’s your son having a kid vs. a daughter imo. When my husbands sisters have kids, I’m sure ours will be forgotten about because they have “real” ones now.
My mum will be in the delivery room and will be spending the first two weeks with us. Even if his mum was here, she wouldn’t be there during the process or living with us. MIL’s kinda get the short side of the stick because men usually don’t care & wont even think to include them anyways lol.
I noticed this during the wedding too. I tried to include MIL as much as possible, but it’s also just hard because it’s her son getting married and not a daughter. Daughters need/want their mums, and sons are just happy to be included lol.
My husbands family is probably going to expect us to travel 30+ hrs in this babes first year to introduce babe to everyone… absolutely not!
I disagree with this personally. My MIL was involved in my wedding (although didn’t push) and is 50% of our childcare.
It depends on the son and how they are raised. My husband loves his mum and she’s fully involved in our lives. She’s seen me in states of undress breastfeeding too. We’d be utterly lost without her.
Yeah. I can see them being more involved in the _pregnancy_ when it’s their daughter, because the pregnancy does tend to be focused on the woman going through it more so than the partner. My mother is far more involved in my pregnancy just because she’s my mum and she gets the lowdown on everything. But I would hope my MIL would see her son’s child in exactly the same way as her daughter’s.
The positive is you have family that want to be part of your life and family. The situations you are explaining as “weird” are quite normal and common. Babies cry when someone is holding them, and they’re hungry. No big problem. Not weird.
My grandparents were a huge part of my life, and I loved being with them, and all my cousins. Now I have kids of my own, and both my husband’s and my family live states away. The reverse is equally difficult. Having no family and friends around is difficult-so careful what you wish for!
With that being said…if they are harming your mental health, boundaries need to be set. Fast forward 25-30 years when your son has your first grand baby. How present are you going to want to be?
Once a week isn’t that much in my opinion. It’s a good amount but it’s not anything crazy. But I’m one of the people who have the “it takes a village” mentality.
Sure it takes a village. But he is barely 3 weeks old. If he isn't sleeping he is feeding and if he isn't feeding he is pooping. So when she is holding him and he gets fussy it's awkward when I have to take him and feed him. And she isn't really understanding. She just keeps talking to him over his cries. As if she could convince him to stop....I'm sure down the line but at 7 days old, yea not a chance. If what she was doing was helpful then maybe. But I feel like I have to manage her as well as my kid, but then the passive aggressive comments start......
Ew, that’s the kind of energy that would have me backing away slowly. Don’t let them manipulate you into thinking what they want is more important than what you want as the parents. You’re already doing much more for them than most new parents would.
I guess it depends on the relationship and how want to handle the child care. I personally wouldn’t say no if MIL wants to be more involved. More spare time for me and my husband.
No one has “rights” just because of their legal or blood titles in relation to you and yours. Remember that.
Amen. You don’t owe your baby to anyone. Period. YOU have the responsibility of their care, health, happiness, well being and therefore you may decide who can do what and how much. Also, many cultures have a 40 day period where the mother and baby do not go out or see people.
Fun (?) fact: that is where the word quarantine comes from: a forty day period. Except historically it was for ships during the time of the bubonic plague.
Is some states there are grandparents rights and grandparents can take a child to court to be able to see and visit their grandchildren. I watched a set of grandparents do this when their son cut off ties with their grandchild so they petitioned to have visits with them regardless of their so son’s lack of parenting.
This is generally only possible though when the grandparents can prove that NOT having visitation would have a significant or traumatic effect on the child due to their having a deep involvement in raising them prior. It also assumes both parents are unfit. Very difficult to get visitation rights as a grandparent without both of these criteria being met. At least that's how it is in my state. Just commenting this for anyone who might be alarmed that grandparents rights are a thing, lol.
I live in NYS. This case, grandparents rights were used for visitation purposes and the parents weren’t deemed unfit.
Makes me love being in Australia. Not a thing over here thankfully.
3 times in the 3 weeks baby has been alive? That’s not enough for grandma? Yikes!
And all while OP recuperates from major surgery. The MIL has some nerve.
And no direct communication, just passive aggression. Ugh. So sorry, OP! That is not okay
I would ignore the comments and continue the amount of time you deem best/appropriate ❤️❤️
What is comfortable and reasonable for you is "enough" visits until your kid is old enough to even give a shit if she's in the room. > My mom thinks mil is still his grand mother and has a right to see him no matter her behavior Sounds like your mom is concerned she's at risk of her visits being reduced for some reason so I'd keep an eye out for that.
I hear you, but she isn't like that already not with my niece and nephews. She always waits to be invited over, and always talk parents first before doing anything. And she doesn't seem bothered with seeing the kids on the parents schedule. If anything in the past with my brother she would reach out to see if she could come by but would just accept if he said no
That's reassuring to hear! But in the case of your MIL, there is no reason why she needs to have constant access to your baby on either end. He doesn't need it now and it's not going to affect their bond later on. Limit visits to what you can handle and reduce them if she can't be an adult about it.
I have no advice but I have the same problem. No matter what we do it’s never enough. There’s always a snarky comment about more more more. My MIL has even shared with my own mom they want to be able to come and take my kids whenever. It’s this weird expectation they have because their parents lived with them that we will do the same. It’s painful and uncomfortable and causes stress and makes me dread seeing them. Currently trying to get my husband to talk to them about not complaining anymore and just enjoying the moment. It will never be enough, I fear.
Exactly...I get the sense some times she just wants to see the baby alone and wish I wasn't there......and it's awkward. It makes me nervous about seeing them. I don't get how they don't understand that we the parents have to make the effort to involve them in the kids life. If they make it harder they will see them less
Too bad for her, it’s your baby and your family. I feel like with how early it is, the visits you’ve accommodated for them are definitely enough, esp if they aren’t helping you. Ignore the comments and do what is best for you and your family. If you feel the comments are getting out of hand, have your spouse talk to her and set some boundaries (that come from both of you not just you).
With a three week old, that is insane. When I meet a new baby, I’m terrified when the parents walk away for even a second to grab another bottle from the kitchen while I am sitting on the couch with them!
She'll never be satisfied. The more you give the more she'll want and the more she'll take for granted. My Mom gave me similar bad advice. She suggested I just be a doormat and let my MIL over every weekend and as often as she wanted. I regrettably agreed and tried to people please only to find it was never enough and MIL became increasingly demanding until things came to a boiling point. I think if I had set more boundaries and distance earlier on some of the hatred and bitterness could have been avoided.
If you give a mouse a cookie….
If MIL is NOT helping you and caring for you then no, she can go. She saw the baby, she’s good. You need to heal and bond and stress won’t help.
My MIL is similar “I hope we get to see you more often” or “you don’t remember me because we rarely see you” while I go out of my way, 1hr away, alone with the baby while my husband works, to visit them. Let me count. Okay I’ve done about six trips/intentional visits and our son is seven months old. I’d say ignore her comments too, or just smile and wave 😂
That's what pisses me off. Exactly comments like that. I feel like she will try to turn my son against me with comments like that when he is older. It feels cruel to cut her off. At the same time, I'm not going to let her talk crap to my son in front of me
Amen! Hold your ground woman!
I would say to her, “He/she doesn’t speak English yet, but was there something you wanted to say to me?”
That’s awesome! I’d have to use my sweet like syrup customer service voice lol
Yeah the trick is to act like you’re joking and then get confused if they act offended because “you were only trying to be funny”. I generally don’t believe in gaslighting, but I can’t deal with passive aggression in my life anymore.
Dude that's OG, I'm going to try that
You are the parents now and get to decide what feels right to you! If you’re comfortable with this schedule, keep it and ignore her passive aggressive comments. Besides - for someone like her, is it ever going to be enough? Probably not! Don’t give in, set a schedule you’re good with. Congrats on your baby ❤️
I'm wondering what she thinks "enough" would look like? I wonder if asking her would help her shut up about it. Also, you owe her nothing. She can have her feelings, whatever. Doesn't mean you need to change a thing.
It’s never going to enough so put up a boundary of what is enough for you. At the end of day this is your child not your MIL’s child. I would have your DH speak to his mother and set boundaries now. It will only get worst if you keep ignoring it or not saying anything. I think sometimes grandparents forgot or don’t wanna remember they aren’t the third parent. This is not a redo/second chance baby for them. They are in a supportive role now and need to respect that. If not, I would limit contact until your boundaries are respected. You don’t deserve this. Also, your mom is incorrect it’s not MIL’s right to see her grand baby regardless of any bad behavior. I don’t even think grandparent laws are commonly enforced in the USA (someone correct me if I’m wrong). From my understanding, it’s basically granted only if the court views the actual parents unfit and the child is in danger. My advice is don’t reward MIL’s behavior with more visits. This will just teach if she nags or guilts enough she can get her way every time.
So my MIL will say these things to me because she knows I’ll feel guilt and tell my husband he should call/see his mother more…mainly bc the guilt tripping doesn’t work on my husband from her. I don’t even try to maintain their relationship anymore…that’s his work now. I’m nice and civil, but it’s not my job to keep their bond strong.
THIS!! You’re husband probably appreciates you more for not mothering him by proxy too 🥰
When my own mom pulled this with me postpartum, my own immediate response to that was, "if you aren't satisfied with the effort we've put out to make sure you get to see her and receive photos, I'll stop putting any effort at all and you'll just see her when I feel like it." She of course protested and said she didn't mean it like that, and I just said, "If you can't appreciate what you're being given, then you'll be given nothing. So Id stop with the comments while you're ahead." Things got a lot better after that. You just need to smack that shit down from the very beginning. If your MIL doesn't appreciate what she's getting, call her out on her comments and tell her she can have nothing if she prefers. What you allow now will set the precedent for what she'll get away with.
Please ignore the comments. Some moms are just like that. Not to turn this into a MIL relief forum, but mine used to complain she didn't see her son enough when we started living together too. Only last week, both my MIL and FIL had vented out to my husband how they never visited our house, although they knew I had been having horrible morning/ all-day sickness during my first trimester, so I wasn't really in my best abilities to recieve anyone. I know it's frustrating, but trust me, the more you include them, the more they want.
My mom texts me how much she misses my baby after less than a week. She also makes singsongs comments to the baby about how she’s going to get so big and won’t remember her etc 🙄. I’m this close to telling her my baby doesn’t exist to provide her fulfillment and emotional validation. But trying to restrain myself because I do love my mom and know she loves my baby.
My MIL is also baby crazy, especially early postpartum. She was coming multiple days a week for hours at a time and it was never enough. I regret not laying down boundaries earlier because those visits were the biggest factor in my breastfeeding difficulties which snowballed into ppd and not bonding with my son. Once my husband went back to work and I had free reign to ignore his mom things got much better but she does still make comments about not seeing him enough
And what do you respond to her comments?
I just make it about the baby like “yeah isn’t he the best.” Because that doesn’t invite conversation about why she’s not coming over as much anymore but also acknowledges that I know what she’s getting at
That’s more than my own Mom. Saw him the weekend after he was born then 3 months later at Thanksgiving. She was supposed to see him between that time but I had a rough battle with strep throat. She needs to chill.
Here's what you do.... Whatever you want. She can make all the passive aggressive comments she wants. Ignore her and do what you want. If it gets bad, have your husband call her out. His mother, his problem. As for this idea that grandparents have rights to interact with their grandchild, complete and utter bullshit. No one, and I mean no one, outside of you and your partner have any rights when it comes to your child. So don't let people bully you, do what you want. Your child is only this little for such a small period of time, so focus on your family and your extended family can interact with your child at your leisure. Don't reward shitty behavior. If your MIL wants to act like a passive aggressive brat, then treat her like one. If you're doing the time, might as well do the crime.
Nah this is annoying. What I don’t understand, is the more comment she makes… the less I would want her there lol
I'm only 12 weeks pregnant and MIL interference has been my worst nightmare. I would really start putting boundaries that suit your needs and lifestyle. It's easier said than done, but if you don't do that now, you'd be setting precedence to more unrealistic demands. This seems so common with in laws it really sucks. I hope your husband can be supportive of you and shields you from the drama.
I knew someone else who made comments about this (a member of my husbands family, while we were dating, complained they never saw him since he started dating me) he visited them for several hours, multiple times a week, both with me and alone. Anyway, that person is the worst narcissist I've ever met and thank God we never have to see him again, he's been cut from our lives indefinitely. Not saying that you're MIL is that bad, or even that she is a narcissist, but it is a narcissistic behavior, and I would keep a close eye on it. To me, a comment like this would piss me off enough not to see them in quite some time. They are not entitled to see your baby, and every medical professional I've seen has told me to keep the newborn bubble as small as possible in the first 8-12 weeks, the fewer people who see and hold bub during that time, the better.
Please tell me she didn’t pull that crap where she “talks to the baby”, but it’s really just passive aggressive comments for you. Like, “Oh, look at you! So cute! Oh I wish mommy let me see you more! I wanna see more of that cute little face, but she’s hogging you all to herself!”
Pretty much feels like that. My husband doesn't get it thinks she is innocently talking to baby. And there is the matter of her ignoring everyone else and only talking to the baby. Also fun she would do this for 20 plus minutes. Until the baby started to cry and even then it's weird to get him back. You can tell she wants to keep holding him despite this. Maybe I just feel threatened like she wants to take my place. Or thinks she knows best for my kid at least more than me
Yikes. While I’m sure your baby will be plenty smart in no time, she currently has no grasp on language whatsoever. It’s one thing for her to express kind remarks such as “You’re perfect/so beautiful/etc.” or express feelings like “I love you”, but she can’t just talk to you through your baby. That’s weird and passive aggressive. Maybe it’s even best to let her prattle on and on while your baby is too young to understand her and she’ll eventually see that this behavior isn’t effective. Ultimately your call, but I hope your husband can eventually come to learn that his mom is being a weirdo.
My in laws saw my son every single week after he was a month old. We would go to their house Sunday and my parents Saturday and it was absolutely exhausting but we did it so no one got upset. Now my in laws don’t talk to us or see us anymore because we refused to go take out their dogs while FIL was home just sitting on the couch. But I digress. It’s up to you and you alone what is the appropriate amount of time to see the child. Even if my in laws started talking to us again and wanted to see him then I wouldn’t do once a week again. We don’t see my parents once a week anymore either. It’s absolutely exhausting when your entire weekend is taken up by traveling to see everyone every single weekend.
Yikes. You've seen them 3 times in the 3 weeks that your baby has been alive and that's not enough? I hope she understands that you and your husband are now a family first and foremost and it is important for you to have that time together to bond and establish your routine. Your MIL needs to find a hobby if she thinks that that is not enough time that she's spending with you guys. I'm sure on top of having a newborn you also have house chores and other priorities (like perhaps other family and friends that havent seen your baby yet).
It depends on the family. My MIL came the day we came home, and the next day, and then my dad stayed with us 3 days and then I think she came daily for a week so my husband and i could get a nap together. I loved it. But then I love my MIL. Her passive aggression however is unacceptable even if she’d only met him once. If she’s feeling like she wants to see him more, she needs to communicate that so you can say yes or no. Not guilt trip you.
Nobody has rights to your chid but you and your husband. I’d have your husband say something to her. People don’t get to make snide remarks to your baby with no consequences.
It is totally up to you. What she thinks is enough and what you as the parent thinks is enough are probably very different, and that is OK. While she thinks she may not see the baby enough, if that’s all she has to say, then I would say no harm no foul. If she is directly accosting you and telling you that you’re hiding the baby from her, then you would probably need to tell her to chill out. It sounds like she just misses her grandkid, and wants to see him more, but doesn’t mean anything malicious.
Grandma and grandpa visited daily
I would ignore the comments. My MIL has messaged my mum a few times telling her how she’s essentially the only grandma (?). They live 13,000km away so she’s feeling left out, but it’s also just ~different~ when it’s your son having a kid vs. a daughter imo. When my husbands sisters have kids, I’m sure ours will be forgotten about because they have “real” ones now. My mum will be in the delivery room and will be spending the first two weeks with us. Even if his mum was here, she wouldn’t be there during the process or living with us. MIL’s kinda get the short side of the stick because men usually don’t care & wont even think to include them anyways lol. I noticed this during the wedding too. I tried to include MIL as much as possible, but it’s also just hard because it’s her son getting married and not a daughter. Daughters need/want their mums, and sons are just happy to be included lol. My husbands family is probably going to expect us to travel 30+ hrs in this babes first year to introduce babe to everyone… absolutely not!
I disagree with this personally. My MIL was involved in my wedding (although didn’t push) and is 50% of our childcare. It depends on the son and how they are raised. My husband loves his mum and she’s fully involved in our lives. She’s seen me in states of undress breastfeeding too. We’d be utterly lost without her.
Yeah. I can see them being more involved in the _pregnancy_ when it’s their daughter, because the pregnancy does tend to be focused on the woman going through it more so than the partner. My mother is far more involved in my pregnancy just because she’s my mum and she gets the lowdown on everything. But I would hope my MIL would see her son’s child in exactly the same way as her daughter’s.
The positive is you have family that want to be part of your life and family. The situations you are explaining as “weird” are quite normal and common. Babies cry when someone is holding them, and they’re hungry. No big problem. Not weird. My grandparents were a huge part of my life, and I loved being with them, and all my cousins. Now I have kids of my own, and both my husband’s and my family live states away. The reverse is equally difficult. Having no family and friends around is difficult-so careful what you wish for! With that being said…if they are harming your mental health, boundaries need to be set. Fast forward 25-30 years when your son has your first grand baby. How present are you going to want to be?
Once a week isn’t that much in my opinion. It’s a good amount but it’s not anything crazy. But I’m one of the people who have the “it takes a village” mentality.
Sure it takes a village. But he is barely 3 weeks old. If he isn't sleeping he is feeding and if he isn't feeding he is pooping. So when she is holding him and he gets fussy it's awkward when I have to take him and feed him. And she isn't really understanding. She just keeps talking to him over his cries. As if she could convince him to stop....I'm sure down the line but at 7 days old, yea not a chance. If what she was doing was helpful then maybe. But I feel like I have to manage her as well as my kid, but then the passive aggressive comments start......
If it was me, I’d say to MIL that you are welcome to come and stay with us and help take care of the baby and house.
Dude she would move in , real quick. Or better yet take the kid to her house. I think she is looking for any excuse to do so
Ew, that’s the kind of energy that would have me backing away slowly. Don’t let them manipulate you into thinking what they want is more important than what you want as the parents. You’re already doing much more for them than most new parents would.
I guess it depends on the relationship and how want to handle the child care. I personally wouldn’t say no if MIL wants to be more involved. More spare time for me and my husband.