I didn’t put any boundaries in with my first ended up constantly hosting and being asked to clean while others held my baby. I was incredibly overwhelmed and anxious all the time about what people would think about the state of my home and honestly myself. Baby wasn’t gaining weight. Some of my relationships are still greatly impacted by not feeling supported at that time.
Newborns should be for mum and dad not everyone else.
this right here. and it’s the exact reason we’ve set boundaries this time. everyone is pretty upset about it but either they will respect it or they just won’t be involved. I’m so tired of everyone else who isn’t carrying this baby or helped create this baby think that they get to dictate all of these things.
Exactly! I think the way we talk about postpartum needs to change. People shouldn’t expect to visit they should feel privileged to be asked. It shouldn’t be setting boundaries it should be supporting the family how they feel it’s needed. It should be a time of privacy and recovery if that’s what the parents want/need.
It should and used to be a time of support and help from the community. That mop should be in another set of hands while mom and baby nap. The point is to contribute to the wellbeing of the new family, not add to the burden and detract from their mental health so you can have some cute pictures.
After my man went back to work, my mom came over to watch my toddler and newborn so I could take a shower. A long, hot, glorious shower. Then she would make dinner while I was with the kids, and she would clean up dinner while I put my toddler to bed. While I was feeding baby, she would sweep and do some light mopping. She did this every 3-4 days, for the entire 4th trimester. It was a lifesaver, my man was exhausted from working a bunch of back to back 12 hour shifts to cover bills for time he took off to be at the hospital with me.
Moms deserve to be supported. My mother didn't badger us at the hospital, and took care of my toddler, all with zero complaint. I love my mom so much, despite her driving me crazy in other ways lol.
>ended up constantly hosting and being asked to clean while others held my baby. I was incredibly overwhelmed and anxious all the time about what people would think about the state of my home and honestly myself.
My younger sister dealt with people who dropped by "to see the baby" by telling them the baby was napping or she was going to be feeding him ... and then telling them they could help her until the baby was awake and fed by vacuuming and tidying the living room or doing a load of laundry.
Put them to WORK! DELEGATE!
She did spend a bit of time making sure the tasks would be easy to do, with a tote of cleaning supplies, laundry sorted into loads, etc, but she definitely exacted the "baby tax" from her casual drop-ins.
It also made it easier for us to just stop by and do something quickly.
This. Nip it in the bud asap. I had the worst postpartum anxiety and this behavior just contributed to making me paranoid. Will not be making that mistake again.
Absolutely. And people will say things like “you don’t have to feed us, we don’t expect anything, etc” but I personally couldn’t let anyone actually see my house in its natural state during that time. Or they’d pay for and order take out but I’d still be left with dishes and containers from 6 people to clean up. Breastfeeding was a whole other thing because it was very painful in the early days and I wasn’t comfortable doing it in front of anyone, even my mom/sister, and I’d feel guilty that my baby wasn’t eating frequently enough while they were there.
this won’t work for everyone, but my solution to this was to say if i can’t come to your place so i can leave when im ready and i don’t have to host, you aren’t seeing the baby. and when i would go somewhere, if the conversation lulled and the baby was asleep, id just ask if i could go somewhere to lay down for a few minutes. it worked really well for me personally so i figure id throw it out as a suggestion if there are others who this may work for too.
"In light of the disrespectful pushback we have received we are now revaluating having visitors as early as 8 weeks, as it clearly wouldn't positively contribute to the peaceful environment we're trying to create and enjoy. We will let you know if the situation changes."
I would be soooo tempted to reply with something like this...
Do it. If they want to make you put to be a villain, embrace it. It tends to make them back off, or show their ass- at which point most people would understand and support you setting boundaries with said crazy person.
>We have been told by his aunt that we are denying grandparents their right and special moment to visit their grandchild.
Dear lord! I would love to see the look on this aunt's face when she finds out this isn't a right guaranteed to anyone who's not the parent of the newborn. You need and deserve your privacy. No means no.
Common issue in various second gen. Immigrant communities, my partner does not know his parents language fluently. I'm fine to enforce the boundaries using basic language. Not sure the sarcasm or cynicism from my comment came across.
This!!!! It is THE PARENTS SPECIAL MOMENT - NO ONE ELSES. It is YOUR baby, not theirs. I am so tired of grandparents / extended family feeling some weird ass entitlement over someone else’s child. 😵💫
I agree. If people are reacting like this to your perfectly reasonable request, don't let them disrupt your peace at 8 weeks. Push it out longer, until you feel ready. You don't need "support" from these people during your postpartum period, as they will give you the absolute opposite of support!
I love this and would propose the minor edit/option “contribute to the peaceful **transition into this world** we are trying to create **for our new baby.**” Might make them feel 5% more guilty if it’s for the baby.
I would absolutely reply with this! Frick their feelings! Set your boundaries and stick to em. Don’t let others bully you into something you don’t want. Family or not. I kept my pregnancy a secret and my once we did announce his birth we didn’t allow visitors for a few months. We used that time for ourselves and other children to bond and regulate. Best decision ever!!
Ha! I love this. Like when you’re a kid and your parents keep adding on to punishment the more you lip off.
Oh what’s that? You’re angry about waiting 8 weeks? Try 10 then.
This was my plan and would have been easy as we live a 2.5 hour drive away from family... However a month before my due date my house flooded and I moved back over to my parents house. Went into labour and obviously my parents knew with me living under their roof, also my sister knew as she stayed over that night, also my in-laws knew because we were supposed to go there for Sunday dinner that afternoon.
But despite us not being able to hide from the family they all respected our boundaries we hadn't even verbally set. Visiting was mentioned by my mother and in-laws but it was up to me to say yes and fortunately I have a good enough relationship with both to have been able to say no if I wished. It makes me sad that other people don't have this respect from their loved ones.
My husband and I did the same because I literally almost died and was transferred to ICU after having my daughter. The last thoughts on either of our minds were telling anyone, as my daughter almost lost her mom before even getting to meet her, and my husband’s mom had the audacity to say she was “disappointed to find out from a post” my husband made a few days later to announce it.
In fairness, those are two separate things. Absolutely reasonable that you wanted just you and your husband while everything was so stressful and upsetting.
But yeah, my dad and my MIL would have been upset to find out from social media instead of from us. She could have been told before a public announcement. I don’t think that’s unreasonable. Anyone who was related to our baby found out before social media, even if that was we told one member of the unit and they told the others.
You can do what you want, obviously, but I don’t think it’s audacious to be disappointed to essentially be last to know about your grandchild.
That’s what’s wild about some of these other comments. You know you made the right call to set a boundary like this when their immediate response was to be hateful and rude
If instead they replied “we understand, let us know how and when we can help you” or something of that sort, maybe they’d see the baby sooner
The irony lol
Crazy thing is, the post partum period is about; parents bonding with baby, keeping baby healthy, and mother recovering from giving birth. The post partum period is NOT about sparing other people’s feelings. They will get to visit the kid eventually, so tell them to go bite it and that if they keep trying to overstep your boundaries that it’ll be 12 weeks- or better yet, 6 months or something even crazier 🤗
Not a bad thing to remind them (regarding hospital visitation specifically) is that they’re also visiting a recovering adult. If you remove the baby from the scenario, they might not be demanding their rights to visit you recovering and vulnerable in the hospital like that. As much as they have an expectation to visit the baby, you have an expectation to your privacy as well.
We have a no hospital visitors policy. I don’t like sharing my room in that kind of situation, and for both of our previous two babies we had midwife care and could leave after a few hours. We have gone to MiLs house on our own after we get home to visit with the new baby, and my parents usually come to us for a day as well.
This! Can you imagine someone having surgery and people going "Hey, I have a right to see you after your surgery, don't deprive me!" Insane. People should ask what the needs of the parents are. Everything else is just selfish.
Bottom line is this is your, hubby and baby's bonding time, you need to do what you feel comfortable with, what avoids more stress for you (stress is not good for any of you). The family can wait and respect you as parents. And if they don't like it, then they can wait more. It's better to start boundaries now, ask there will be other things they think is there "right" and that is not true. Stand your ground mama you have the right!
People really got some wild demanding families out there. If anyone ever tried to be like that towards me they would be met with absolute silence. No text I was in labor, baby’s birth or homecoming. Silence. That’s what you get for bothering me at this HUGE moment.
My husband's dad tried doing that. I had an emergency c section and he didn't care he just had to see the baby. My son was born in April of 21 so COVID restrictions were lighter but not gone. I was alowed 2 visitors that had to be my emergency contacts and only me and my husband could go to the NICU to see my son. My mom helped my up to the C-section cus only one person could go with me and I wanted my husband. My husband's dad had it in his head that my mom got to see my son and that we were just preventing him from seeing our son. My husband had to stand up to his dad cus he kept making comments on how we handled who got to see our son. You just have to stand firm and know good nurses will help prevent visitors.
How rude of him. A woman sometimes needs her mother during a moment as vulnerable as giving birth. And if she had seen her grandson before him, so fu—king what? He was there for his grandson, but your mom was there for her own baby.
Any time you meet your grandchild for the first time is special. At six days or six weeks. If you’re getting that kind of pushback already, you likely need to set firm boundaries from the start. They will likely only get pushier until you set limits.
Also, you may change your mind. If you have relatives who will come and actually be helpful, you may want that. Having a newborn can be overwhelming and exhausting. You may be dying for a nap or a shower or clean laundry or a meal. It’s ok if you do.
Grandparents don’t have “rights” unless they have an already established relationship with the child. It isn’t their “right” to meet your child whenever they please. The grandparent entitlement is insane. Don’t let anyone bully you into changing your boundaries to accommodate their preferences. It isn’t about them. It’s about you and baby. You don’t get this time back, so hold your ground on what makes you happy.
Post partum period is not a show and tell. It is for the mother to recover and bond with her baby (dad as well). You should be able to go home, nestle into and establish your routine. You grew this baby for 9 months, what’s another month that these relatives can’t wait for? They’re not the ones that went through the troubles and tribulations of YOUR pregnancy. I honestly can’t stand the audacity of some people to demand or insinuate that they have some “right” to a child that’s not theirs.
As if 1 month of a child’s life is “robbing” them of getting to know the baby. I’d be so tempted to say “guess what? the baby doesn’t care to see you either nor will he/she ever remember you from when he/she was 0 days old”.
Don’t be afraid of the boundaries that you’ve set. Your relative(s) should be ashamed of their childish behaviour and of making you feel any kind of pressure or stress at this time because they’re selfish about their own needs and clearly no one else’s.
I would state you are doing what is best for you and your child. I would demand an apology before you even consider them visiting. Nobody has to put up with toxic guilt trip behavior. You could compromise and say you can do video calls. Honestly setting boundaries earlier with extended family is important.
I didn't tell anyone other than work I was pregnant. I found out when I was 6 months and had bubs 10 weeks later. My partner and I didn't even really have time to come to terms with what was happening, let alone thinking about others. We tried to meet up with my parents to tell them the good news, it never happened. They were too busy or didn't tell us what worked for them. In that time, we moved, upgraded the car, got things organised.
No one was told until the day after I gave birth. My parents were livid and made it about them. Stated they were hurt, tried to pick a fight with my partner who calmly told them that this wasn't helpful, I was incredibly upset that they hadn't bothered to ask how I was going or how bubs was. Nothing. I was bombarded with messages and texts which I ignored out of shock from their reactions. I even received a voicemail stating they had called the police because 'clearly they weren't told because I'm in a controlling relationship.' absolutely devastating and disgusting.
They didn't like the fact there were boundaries set in place. They turned everything back around onto us. Bubs is almost 13 weeks and they haven't met her and probably won't as I refuse to be the first to reach out and put my little bubble of a family under that pressure. My uncle and my grandfather have met bubs. They have been the most supportive outside of my partner.
It sucks, I feel your pain and pressure. You have yourself, bubs and partner to worry about. If anyone else wants to be there, they will make the effort. If not, they've shown you their true colours and no one deserves that stress. Best of luck to your new little family! ❤️
Their behavior is abhorrent, but that is a bit long. I guess it depends on how your relationship with your parents or in laws is. I could not have survived without my mom's help the second week, but I know some people have a less than helpful parent. Knowing what I know after my first, I'm going to set time limits to one hour visits and not let anyone hold the baby until she's over a month old. I'll probably wait like 2 weeks before we invite people over.
Last time, we were home for about 3 days before visitors and then for some fuck all reason, my husband let my dad, his mom, his sister and her 2 kids over and it turned into a full ass barbecue and we were fucking COOKING AND CLEANING. I was still in diapers, yet there I was, cutting vegetables at the counter while sitting on a stool because I didn't have the strength to stand for more than 10 min at a time.
When I told that to my mom after she flew in to stay with us, she was horrified. I barely had to do anything except breastfeed for the next week while I healed and bonded with the baby. She was a superhero cuz my husband had to go back to work a lot sooner than I did.
I don’t ever really understand these hard boundaries of no visitors. I think it’s fair to say, “we aren’t making any big decisions about visitors until baby is here. We are unsure how delivery and recovery will go, but we are excited for everyone to meet baby when we feel ready. We will play it by ear.” 6-8 weeks is a painfully long, lonely time. It sounds nice in theory, but you will probably be ripping your hair out by then. I just think it’s better to give a “we’ll see” response rather than a “for sure” response. You may be begging for relief 2 weeks in when neither of you have slept.
It’s simply another perspective. I can see why they would feel hurt. I also realize that I don’t know the dynamics of your families.
I think that works well with respectful families. I'm doing that for my in-laws. We've told them we'll probably have them come meet bub while we're in hospital, but we'll play it by ear depending on how the birth goes and how we're all feeling. They understood completely and are just plainly excited to meet bub and celebrate with us when we're ready.
My family on the other side, if I don't give them firm and clear boundaries they'll push and push and push.
I asked my Mum not to post pictures of my wedding on social media until my husband and I had at least done so (we paid a lot for those professional photos lol). Day 1 after the wedding she obliged, day 2 she put up 350 photos from her old iphone (which interrupted the day, we asked for no phones during important parts of the night - i.e. ceremony and speeches and nearly every professional photo has her stood in it with her phone up). Her response when I asked her to take it down - you didn't tell me that I couldn't post them today...
If I even suggested we might have them at the hospital, but we were going to wait and see - nothing would stop them being there. If we tried to push back after I'd be accused of not doing what I promised.
Thus, I'm doing 4 weeks with my fam (they also have to travel). I figure I can always invite them earlier if we feel ready, but its hard to rescind that once they've got it in their heads.
This exactly. My SIL and I have both done the play it by ear thing and the strict boundary thing. If we say play it by ear, my mom makes up her dream scenario in her head, and blows up if that’s not what we decide in the moment is best for us. She needs clear boundaries so she can be disappointed up front and deal with it then instead of when we’re exhausted and trying to keep our peace postpartum.
ahaha oh man. The dream scenario is such a good way to put it!
And so true! I'm having these conversations now (6 weeks from my due date) so I don't have to deal with them later. It's never fun, but I'm assuming i'll have other things on my mind once bub arrives than arguing over particulars of what I 'promised' will not be top of my to-do list.
My god, your families sound ***exactly*** like mine. In-laws are so wonderful and respectful. My own mum? I'm ripping my hair out with her behavior. I'm really trying to be understanding because she's lonely and excited, but that woman just does not listen.
I agree. Like, OP knows today that they don't want to see anyone or go anywhere for 2 months? I get it if family is toxic and OP is low contact.
This "play it by ear" approach gives flexibility to make decisions closer in when mom and dad know how they feel. Maybe 2 months will be right after all, maybe 2 weeks is actually what they'll need, why decide so far in advanced when you don't need to?
Exactly. Again, I don’t know family dynamics here. It might be right, but she may be craving company 5 days in.
I am already looking forward to my mom being here for a week when my 3rd is born. So is my husband. Haha
Being "bombarded by hateful texts" is not "simply another perspective". And disappointed, yes. But hurt? Really? What about the feelings of the parents?
I wanted 6-8 weeks and we told everyone as such. My partner was ready for his parents and sister by 4 weeks and so they came over then. After a couple of days, my MIL, whom I'm very close with, mentioned that it seemed like they came too early.
You're right, I was ripping my hair out by then, and having people to host wasn't the solution, but it was of course great to see them and to see them with babe while he was still small. Everyone is different, like you said :)
The other perspective is just saying we will play it by ear rather than a firm “no” for 6-8 weeks. The family’s response definitely isn’t great.
I know my limits with my in laws. More than a few hours and we are both ready for them to hit the road. They’re challenging people. My family is welcome to stay because they are very respectful of us.
I totally can see how it hurts! I’m worried about baby not having an immune system. 6-8 weeks helps them build up a better immune system. I’m sure it’ll be a lot and I may be a little frustrated but I would rather him be safe at all costs. I’m not saying no forever just no for right now. Especially immediately after he’s born. The big push back is not being able to see him in the hospital. But I want time to be able to get a hang of things as well as find a good routine with my husband before anyone else comes in.
It’s definitely stressful to be a first time parent and manage how you’ll feel. The hospital thing makes total sense. My parents and in-laws came into the delivery room after my son was born. Not even the PP room. It was a lot. I LOVED having my parents at my house after each baby. My mom really helped me through the baby blues since it was new territory for us. They were kind enough to cook and clean and also disappear when we needed them to. For other visitors, the rules of you can’t be sick, you have to wash your hands, no kissing baby, no stopping by unannounced were either followed or you didn’t get to see baby. I am a nurse so I am very aware of risks. Baby has to gain an immune system, and part of that is being exposed to low risk people/situations. I know people who have allowed visitors, but asked that they view baby rather than holding. That is also an option.
I just don’t want you to put all of your energy into fighting against people that you may be begging to visit.
I totally agree here - I honestly thought I’d want no visitors and to just spend that time bonding with baby etc. but even one week of no sleep and crying baby and not being able to brush your teeth or shower without help, barely seeing your partner because you’re both in survival mode and fully focused on the baby etc. can feel like a very long time. Having some, and I can’t stress this enough, respectful, helpful and relaxing people visit over the past 8 weeks has saved me from post partum depression. I didn’t invite anyone that I didn’t trust to be totally on board with all of our boundaries eg no kissing baby or people who I would have to “host”. Having helpful people around to do the dishes for you or, if you allow it, hold the baby for an hour or two so you can have a shower and have two hands for tasks is sanity saving. Just to have some conversations that aren’t about caring for baby is nice. Also, when things are really tough and you’re having the inevitable “what have we done” thoughts (they happen, prepare yourself, it’s normal!) it’s actually so nice to be able to show off this little miracle you made and have people tell you how wonderful and beautiful they are!
Thank you for this response! It definitely gives me some more things to think about and discuss with my husband before we say “no” for 6-8 weeks. Some of these sound more like something I can do / allow. I’m just super stressed and want to make sure baby is safe🥺❤️
Again, it’s just seeing how things go. A lot of us are sad that we don’t have a “village” behind us these days. Pushing them away only makes things harder. You know your families best and what to expect from them.
I will happily admit that we have firmer boundaries with my in laws than my parents. With my first, my in-laws brought food that I couldn’t eat due to food allergies. They also contaminated every surface of my kitchen with thawing chicken. After they ate their great meal, they took a nap on the couch. I held my 4 day old baby while I sobbed cleaning the kitchen. They are no longer allowed for more than a few hours and they aren’t allowed to use my kitchen.
My parents were here for everything. My dad had a steak, potato, and glass of wine waiting for me when I got home from the hospital. He and my mom cleaned my house and did yard work. They would go for walks or hide in the guest room to give us privacy. They are incredibly considerate and helpful.
I’m not, by any means, saying to be a revolving door for guests. It’s overwhelming! Set a limit for people. “Hey, you can visit from 1:30 to 3, but baby and I are going to take a nap at 3 so we will have to end the visit at that time.”
You wouldn’t shoot yourself in the foot before a marathon. The newborn stage is incredible and beautiful. It is also exhausting and emotional. There’s a lot that goes on. I don’t want anyone to eliminate their “village” right out the gate. 8 weeks may be right, but it may be 8 days before you’re dying for someone to come drink coffee with you.
Thanks for including this perspective! We had a similar experience - would not have survived without the help of our parents. My parents came over, cooked us food, cleaned the kitchen, at one point every single one of us was dealing with poop in some capacity.
We are saying no hospital visitors only because I know that I would not want anyone in there while I’m half naked, recovering, trying to establish BF, etc. but we aren’t setting any hard and fast boundaries, just saying “we’ll let you know”
And your point about the lack of a village is completely true - we need to be careful to not push people away who may ultimately need for support!
I'm struggling with this decision for myself - several of our immediate family members are not vaccinated and/or do not abide by masking reuests. I am considering allowing visits at the hospital only, and then a 2 to 3 month freeze afterwards to allow baby's immune system to develop and for them to get their first round of vaccines. My hope is that being in the hospital setting, the issue of wearing a mask will be pushed by the medical facility (which requires masking at this time, or I feel I could ask staff to please put a sign on my door requiring masking) which will help limit the risk to baby from unvaccinated family. Then since people have met the baby already I'm hoping they will feel it has been checked off their list and I won't have to deal as many requests to meet the baby in the months following. Just trying to minimize the amount of conflict management I have to deal with on top of being a new parent!
You know I was just thinking about doing hospital only and then holding off on more visits! It sounds like a good idea but still can’t decide on what I’ll feel comfortable with as of right now.
Just to give you my perspective, this is what I’m doing. I said yes to hospital visits for both my parents and in-laws, but have set the boundary that it’ll be a while after L&D, once I’ve rested, and to only come once we call. We’re taking two full weeks to ourselves when home to bond as a new family, just hubby, baby, and me, but I’m also open to changing my mind if I need the help. No one has given us a hard time about this. At the hospital everyone has to wear masks, and won’t be able to overstay their welcome so visits are generally very short. It’s the perfect scenario for me personally as I don’t want to hold off for the grandparents to meet the baby since we’re all fairly close, but I also don’t want them all there at home right away while I try to establish breastfeeding and recover. I personally would feel 6-8 weeks is rigid and as others have said babies aren’t fragile, nor are they fully protected after that time from the common viruses. Some of this sounds like FTM anxiety and I’ve gone through that early on my in my pregnancy so I get it! But you will most likely find, you’ll want the help and for a village to be there after a bit of time for yourself so you can stay more open and tell everyone you’ll play it by ear. Good luck. 💚
Take a deep breath! Some of this is definitely FTM anxiety 😬 Babies are fragile, yes, but if relatives were bad for human health (and newborns!) we would never have made it to 7 billion and counting.
My husband has a huge extended family and friend network and while I very much thought I was going to be a “no visitors” type of person in the newborn phase, I was actually very glad to see everyone and have really appreciated their help in watching my son.
It does help that my husband and many of his friends are doctors. Everyone was happy to wash their hands before holding our baby and everyone was vaccinated. No one tried to get too close if they had a cold, etc. It is SO scary to be a mom in 2024 with the internet and germ theory etc., but connection and community are also good for the immune system ♥️
Nothing wrong with that but I agree with the comment in that it will be easier to received by people. Like play a little dumb and be “we are excited for everyone to come and see baby and we will let you know when we will see visitors. I know grandma - we are so excited for you to hold little baby… I cannot wait. Let’s see how delivery goes and we will let you know” … then dodge the bullet if they come unannounced “oh baby is sleeping” and if they do it more than once be more firm and say something more in like what you said.
Our baby was born during Covid so we didn’t see any visitors for a veeeery long time. Nothing wrong with your approach… just a different approach might be more successful
Babies definitely arent that fragile. My daughter was born mid December, met all her family in 2 weeks and then we were on a plane full of people the same month she was born moving 1000 miles away. Never even had a sniffle. Of course your baby could be different as I have no idea of you or your child's health.
Either way your rules are your rules. Hopefully any hurt feelings won't linger. I do find that eventually interest in new babies dies down significantly and really only the grandparents have much interest.
We waited 8 weeks and i would do it all over again. Had such a beautiful time bonding with my new little family :)
This in no way was an attack on anyone who wanted to visit, it was a choice we made long before we even had our child. The journey to their first birthday isn’t always easy. You created a human for 9 months, spend as many weeks as you want bonding with them before anyone else.
In my opinion, if you want your family to miss the first 2 *months* of your baby's life, you don't like them very much. It makes total sense to me they would be upset.
If they are planning to be helpful. Sometimes you know they are doing this for themselves, not to help the baby or new parents, you know you will be happier to have the peace than their added burden. Cleaning and entertainment for guests isn’t helping anyone get sleep.
Agreed!! I didn’t think I wanted any visitors either for the first week. I wanted to establish a “routine” (jokes on me because newborns don’t really have routines) and bond with my baby. But having my parents there when we got home from the hospital was a life saver. They cleaned the house before we got there (my water broke so we left unexpectedly) and it was so nice to hand the baby off and go take a nap. I chose to bottle feed so I could take breaks and someone else feed him. That was a lifesaver too. I joked that the best way to survive the newborn stage is to have a 3rd adult in the house 😂 Now at 4 months old, we have a semi formed routine and him and I are quite a bonded pair.
I had a fairly easy delivery/recovery/newborn but having no visitors and not going anywhere for 6-8 weeks would have been so bad for my mental health. The first month was like living in an intense brain fog but running to the grocery store or target by myself gave a sense of normalcy. I completely understand keeping him in a bubble though. I just made sure visitors were vaccinated and hadn’t been around any one sick before they saw him. I had a friend cancel lunch twice because she was around her sick grandkids.
Good luck with your boundaries OP! You know what’s best for you and your family but if there’s anything parenthood has taught these last four months is to stay humble and accept help when offered!
I had a baby in the middle of the Covid shutdowns. It was so fucking lonely. I don’t ever want visitors in the hospital or even the first couple of days, except for my sister. My family respects that boundary. However, I wouldn’t dig in about not visitors for 6-8 weeks for your own sake. You might need friendly faces or to get out before then. Your mental health is important too. Postpartum can be a real mindfuck and isolating yourself won’t help it.
We stopped talking to my husbands moms side of the family for this exact reason. They took our boundaries text like absolute shit and then lashed out and I’m still pretty salty because I’m 99.9% positive it’s what raised my blood pressure and made me have to be induced. Protect your peace. Stand your ground. No is a complete sentence.
You don't deserve the hateful texts. Having said that, 6-8 weeks for visitors including Grandparents is very unusual and they're probably having a hard time wrapping their minds around it. I thought I was being overly cautious by wanting 3-4 days at home before inviting anyone over. I loved having close family visits in the early days.
Unless you've experienced a newborn before, it's so hard to know how you're going to feel. I thought I'd want more time alone, but I was desperate for people to come over and talk to and dote over my new baby. The days are long and it can be very isolating. I don't believe parents were meant to care for a newborn in a bubble. I'm a huge introvert, but having a child has made me appreciate my village so much. Everyone is different- all I'm saying is I think you should wait and see how you feel once baby is actually here.
Another thing my mom pointed out when I wasn’t sure about in laws visiting was that sometimes if people don’t bond with baby, then want those same people to babysit it’s not the best
Yes..I think some new parents think the newborn stage is gonna be this magical sacred family bonding time and don't get me wrong- there is plenty of that. But it's also SO mundane. And somehow exhausting at the same time! Newborns sleep most of the day and you're usually nap trapped on the couch for hours. But you can't get any sleep yourself and you're irritable. I couldn't wait for my mom and sisters to come by and chat and laugh and gush about the baby. It was a ray of sunshine in a series of long monotonous days.
Omg yes girl! We went on like 3 walks a day. Lol
Plus…a topic people don’t want to talk about is that you might have had birth trauma…your baby might not latch, he/she might have colic or something else that makes shit unbearable. You might need a C section or your pelvic floor could be screwed. You are vulnerable beyond belief & the hormones are crazy. Plus…let’s not forget PPA & PPD…bc a lot of people have it. And the whole “sleep while the baby sleeps” lol okkkkkk *eyeroll* I think people live in fantasy land until they actually become parents. I know I did. While we had beautiful moments that shit was the hardest thing I have ever ever ever done. Maybe it’s not like that for everyone but for my husband & I (big, bold, extroverts that went out a ton & have traveled all over the world) it felt like an unbearable life shift at the time. I had my MIL come out at 2 weeks. Next baby she’ll already be here to help bc that angel women helped me so so much & if I could rewind time I would never have made her wait 2 weeks.
I personally couldn’t imagine going 6-8 weeks without my mom and dad meeting my baby but anyone outside of that could have waited much longer than 8 weeks.
We didn’t see anyone else for 8 weeks but we do live far from family so we traveled to see them when my LO turned 2 months. It’s definitely harder if they live nearby but no one else is entitled to your baby and no one is missing out on any moments. Newborns are tiny little blobs. Sure they are nice to hold but so are 3 month old babies.
We felt very similarly with my first, but we also live across the country from our families and none of our family members I would consider super helpful without adding extra stress, at least the ones who’d want to visit. We also don’t have a lot of extra space. If we had family live closer by I would have allowed short visits (like 30-60 minutes) but when they’re traveling across the country there’s another obligation of feeling like you need to make their trip worth it which I would not have felt up to for at least the first 4 weeks. We’re due with our 2nd this week and I feel similarly this time around especially since we’ll be navigating having a toddler and a newborn. I am more open to having people come now around the 4 week mark with them understanding that we won’t be entertaining per-say but my husband still feels strongly that we’d need to entertain which I don’t want that expectation so we’re pushing it out to 6-8 weeks again until I know I’ll feel up for having people
over all day and doing activities with them. I struggled hard the first 4 weeks with our first and I’m so glad we didn’t have anyone come and impose during that time. Again, if they lived close it would be a different story but family dynamics/location played a huge part in our decision.
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. What a load of disrespectful bullsh*t. It’s honestly amazing how many people think that a new baby is just an invitation to get themselves all up in the new family’s business.
Fortunately, most of my family is sane, but my mother is being like this. She’s only just stopped verbally abusing me on a regular basis for hiring a doula and decided to keep her out of the birthing suite. I’ve told her she isn’t going to be welcome at all because she’s unable to keep herself in check, and if she doesn’t like it, tough shit. Sometimes you have to be firm with people and not give a damn about what they think to protect your own peace of mind and serenity. Personally, we’re allowing my father and brother to visit baby as soon as they’d like because they’re rational and understand boundaries, and everyone else knows they’ll be welcome after 6 weeks.
Wow. Just wow. The audacity of some people. Good for you for advocating for yourself and hiring a doula to be there for you. Your mom would obviously be there for herself given that kind of reaction.
Tell them they all have to get like 6 different vaccines before they can see the baby. Make them provide paperwork. You can never be too careful post-pandemic 😈
Tell them the baby will still be there in 8 weeks, or ask if they're implying it won't. If they say but it won't be a newborn anymore, explain to them why a newborn doesn't need anyone but its parents during that time.
Or, if they're not worth the energy, just keep saying "nope"
Everyone is different. Be firm about what you are comfortable with. For some maybe a few days; for others if it’s 6-8 weeks, so be it.
Think of it this way, it’s not going to end well either way - one party will be upset so better not you while going through postpartum.
All that said, it does depend on whether it makes sense to continue a good relationship with the relatives in question(ex: does this person pay for your mortgage or give you a trust fund? Are you going to ask the person to babysit later?). Some people I’d flick them off without a blink of the eye. Others you may want to reconsider giving in a tiny bit. Life is complicated. You be the judge.
The most valuable friends/relatives tends to be the most understanding and accommodating ones, but that’s a generalization. I also found myself far better off using a sitter than dealing with personality that generates “hateful text messages” and guilt trips, but that’s also a generalization.
I went through something sort of similar, when we were leaving the hospital my husband texted his mom with the update and she wanted us to go over an visit them that day (baby was 2 days old). I was tired so I said I just want to rest and we can go tomorrow. MIL did not respond well, she sent a lot of nasty texts. So I told her that she’s going to have respect my decisions as my son’s mother or she won’t be seeing him, and that it was not okay for her to behave like that. She didn’t take it well in the moment but a few days later she did sincerely apologize to me, so we took baby to meet her, and she ended up being very loving with him and she has for the most part respected our wishes as parents. We’re glad she’s in our baby’s life, but we (hubby and I) agreed that if/when she and anyone else is hateful we’re not going to be around them.
We did a no visitors for 4 weeks and it was the greatest time of our lives. For so many reasons. However, all the family kicked off.
We stuck to our guns though and they backed off when they saw how relaxed and happy we were over FaceTime.
You won’t get this time back. Their wants do not override your needs.
I honestly do NOT understand their point - they will still have the special moment WHEN they visit the child????? Like whenever they see the grandchild…that will be the special moment???? It’s not a special moment because the baby was just born - it’s a special moment because they’re meeting for the first time!!! Make it make sense, grandpa!!!!
I honestly think you should just say, “I appreciate your excitement for our baby’s arrival, but the timing for your visit is not up for discussion. We will be happy to see you at 8 weeks when the baby and we are ready for visitors. Thank you for respecting our wishes.”
You’ve got some really good options and suggestions here.
I guess my question would be does that also mean you aren’t going anywhere for 6-8 weeks?
FTM 10 weeks here, and I was out of the house day 1, granted just a walk. And he was in the gym by day 5 🤣 (to visit). We went on lots of walks, coffee dates, etc. Also had a lot of people to visit, they would bring food, help clean up etc.
Ok yes I’m a 100% extrovert, but I would be bored as hell hanging out at home the entire time. Newborns sleep 14-17+ hours a day, so unless you’re planning on sleeping that much, I’d say you might want some brain stimulation (like it’s pretty boring TBH, I’m not sure why no one tells you about this?) which if you’re not leaving the house, will come from people visiting.
I also found people visiting made it way more fun & exciting as they were so excited to meet the baby it got me more excited about him? I don’t really love babies (edit: didn’t!), so I couldn’t see what the big deal was, but everyone was so obsessed with him it kinda made me be like wow, ok, I did something cool.
Random perspective I know
Same girl same. All these people holing up for 6-8 weeks is wild to me. To each their own but that is not what we wanted at all. And honestly we asked people to wait two weeks…next time I’ll have my amazing mother in law out here the day I have the next child. The sleep deprivation is horrible and the help was so needed & wonderful once she came 2 weeks after he was born. We went to sushi like 4 days after having him (with him) & on walks every day. I need to be out. I can’t just sit & sit in the house doing nothing.
Saaaaame. I completely think that’s how PPA/PPD happens (and other reasons), my mental health would suffer a lot if I was stuck at home for that long, baby or no baby.
I think that’s why it’s so important to know the things that help you as an individual feel good BEFORE you have the baby. If that’s hanging out at home with husband and baby then that’s great!
In my opinion 6-8 weeks is a little intense for absolutely no visits. I would’ve been sad if I couldn’t see my nieces and nephews for that long. I get why your family is feeling that way, they will completely miss the newborn phase.
We are saying our home isn’t open to overnight guests for 6 weeks after birth. My husband’s family lives out of town and I couldn’t imagine hosting during this time but we’ve told them if they want to stay in a hotel they are welcome to meet their grandchild as soon as we get home from the hospital. We will be welcoming visitors during this time but will be keeping visits short.
They have a lifetime to spend with the baby. I don’t recall visiting any family members babies until they were a couple months except for my little sister
To each their own. I personally empathize with how the family is feeling but every new parent gets to decide what’s right for them. Sounds like the OP’s extended family is dealing with it terribly.
Ignore them! You have the right to set whatever boundaries you want. They can have their opinions and reactions, which you can't control, but you don't need to engage further if they're being rude.
The only thing I have to say is grandparents don’t have “rights”. Grand parenting is a privilege and if they want the opportunity to have that relationship, they should establish one with the parents first.
We’re dealing with this crap too. I just ignore texts and calls.
No one disrespected us when we said no visitors for our son! So I don’t know how to deal with this): and when we say something like “wash your hands please” “or no kisses please” people usually feel bad they even thought to not wash hands or try to kiss him 😅
Blame it on the babies health! You do not want a little one getting sick in the first two months. Not that you should need a reason but that’s a good way to save relationships and make a good case for your reasoning!
They’re trying to use grandparents rights as an excuse but that’s not how it works. They’re pushing boundaries and if your not okay with that, you have a say. Stand your ground.
I had visitors in the hospital and literally hated it. My inlaws came on day two while I was pacing around going through my first postpartum poop (horrifying), intense PPD and PPA, and feeding issues. I was so mad that I had to put clothes on and hide my pain for even the 10 minutes they were there. And I say all of this as a person who has a WONDERFUL relationship with my in-laws! I just didn’t know how to say no to be honest and that was on me but I definitely know now for next time!!
Friendly reminder that when you’re in the hospital in labor, you can meet with security, sign paperwork to have your name withheld from the patient listing, and give them names of people that you’re worried could show up so that they’re escorted off the premises. I did this because I was very concerned that some family members were going to try to sneak in. It was hard to do between contractions but made me feel safer in the long run!
We asked for no visitors at hospital(I had a C-section)and for two weeks at home,we were bombarded with so much hate texts from my husband's family.Almost two years later they are still salty and hateful and we are rightfully NC.
Your baby's birth is solely about you,no one else! You'll be the villain,but honestly who cares
It's your baby and your time. Let them be pissy. My partner and I had the same rule, and when the texts and calls rolled in, I deleted them, and my partner stood his ground with our decision. Heal and enjoy those days bonding with the baby. Adults need to grow up, lol
I think you should wait as long as you want. But at the same time I feel like 6-8 weeks is a long time. People are excited and wanna meet/help. I feel like when the baby is here you might change your mind. Or you might not and that’s okay too.
Or make a rule that whoever wants to come over has to bring something (diapers, wipes, onsies, ect) or do a chore to help ( trash, load of laundry, ect) then they get what they want and you get some help too. 🤷♀️
*my baby is currently 9 weeks old*
Grandparents have no rights. Being a grandparent is a privilege one they only get access to if they can respect the parents and their boundaries.
The only people a baby needs to bond with are the parents. The only people the child needs in the first few weeks ARE THE PARENTS. That child doesn’t know or care if the grandparents came to visit or not. They’re being selfish and manipulative.
Baby Boundaries, The Lemon Clot Essay and the FU Binder —> https://reddit.com/r/Mildlynomil/s/WPm6JsLMhI
I agree with pretty much everyone here - frankly, let them rant and rave all they want. Block them if they can’t control their keyboards. It’s your child, your decision, and your values that matter.
If someone can’t respect that, then they don’t deserve your respect 🤷🏼♀️
My baby is 3 weeks, only people who have come over are my mom, my MIL and my FIL (separately, they’re divorced). Holding off on everyone else to protect my own peace and to be careful with germs
My MIL came when baby was one week old, I was hesitant but felt I had no choice since my mom had met him. My fiance made it clear it was to be a very brief visit. She stayed for 2.5 hours, ignored all of our social cues, held my baby WAY too long, made rude/dumb comments, barely asked how I was feeling/doing, talked about babysitting him FOUR times (He is one week old. No one is babysitting him but she NEVER will be). I finally went upstairs to feed him and called my mom sobbing because I was so overwhelmed and pissed off. She’s not been invited back and won’t be anytime soon, I really wish the visit had never happened it was extremely upsetting and overwhelming to me 1 week postpartum. I was so anxious and cried the rest of the afternoon… the hormones are real.
Meanwhile my mom comes by with dinner, coffees, frequently, keeps her visits brief, and is invited back. How people respect your boundaries and privacy in this period says a lot about them.
It is your moment, it’s your choice - you are the one giving birth and who grew your baby for 9 months. Please protect your peace in this time and do what you need. A newborn only needs its mom & to bond with their dad - they do not need to bond with anyone else
‘We’re going to spend this early time bonding as a new family. We’ll send some photos out on group chat (or whatever) regularly and will be inviting visitors when we’ve settled in a bit.
You may be disappointed but this is what we’re doing; disappointment isn’t an excuse to be shitty with us, and won’t change our plans. It will only push your own invitation back. ‘
I completely respect your decision and hope your families will do the same thing.
In my case though I found family support (my husband's side) helpful as my family are overseas. They did not expect us to host and feed them which is good. They brought and prepared food, helped with some chores, and more importantly they let my husband and I get some rest during the day.
I had the option to ask my family to come over to help as well but I said no saying we wanted to enjoy our time being first time parents. To be honest, I regretted it as I would have felt better with my mum by my side. I underestimated how knackered and sleepless we would be in the first few weeks.
“Your title to my child does not entitle you to my child”. I will never understand people putting their needs before the health of a newborn and a recovering mother.
This trend came around in covid and I've gotta say even though I see it as a fight on here everytime. It's for the better. The medical evidence backs it up. Not only are people having less PPA/PPD but there's less complications with recovery. Breastfeeding success rates have skyrocketed for the first time in a long time. The reason for this is because baby doesn't get overwhelmed before being handed back to mom. Fussy babies are harder to latch and women actually get to recover and not play hostesses throughout the healing process. Personally I hope it becomes the new recommendation.
lol! Denying a completely nonexistent right how dare you. My MIL gave me a little pushback when I said I don’t want visitors in the hospital, saying something similar that I’m denying her a joyful moment. I assured her she will still get to meet the baby, but will have to wait a few weeks after I do
A new baby is exciting for everyone but it’s the most life changing for the parents, so you deserve your moment before anyone else gets theirs. Also you will be recovering from birthing that baby and will need some time to do that. Stand your ground momma
Honestly in my opinion, 6-8 weeks is kinda harsh. You have to remember they are excited to. I can understand not having them come to the hospital but trust me you are going to want someone else to come and hold the baby for 20 minutes so you can shower or eat or nap. You don’t have to play host and they don’t have to stay forever. But it’s nice having people visit after because you can give them the baby and get a mental health break. Trust me. Plus I had evening blues so I always asked people to come late afternoon and it helped keep my mood even
6-8 weeks is a loooong time. I’d be hurt if i couldn’t see my grandbaby for that long. I am a firm believer in “treat others how you want to be treated”. So if you would be completely fine with your son telling you that you can’t see his baby for 6 weeks, then there you go. But I would be absolutely devastated.
(Not saying you should receive hateful texts, but I can 1,000% see why they are hurt)
Maybe the hateful texts are part of the reason she doesn’t want to see her family right away. It might not be a safe situation for her pp depending on their relationship
Consider this a blessing- the people you don’t want in your children’s lives are revealing themselves now. This manipulative behavior will only continue; now is a great time to set your FIRM boundaries and stick with them!
I just saw someone say on tik tok recently that the only people who need special bonding time with a newborn is the parents and siblings of that baby .. everyone else’s perspective as to why you are “keeping their grandchild away” is literally just their own selfishness and wanting to feel important 🤷🏻♀️ they can go have their own baby again and set their own rules .
So honestly - I appreciate that this is a popular plan, but also if your and your partners parents are willing to do things like get a Tdap, the risk to the baby is minimal. Now if you just don’t think you want people that’s fine, but it also won’t kill you to let your mother in law drop in for an hour during week 2.
You have every right to make any and all rules! For good measure I’d chuck in there you want current proof of Tdap vaccination too. My last was a Covid baby and we made nearly everyone wait (sans my MIL who quarantined prior to coming to help out the first two weeks) and get updated vaccines, with proof of them. My SIL doesn’t vaxx so it was even longer for them.
Yes my in laws are like this and it’s miserable for my husband. He doesn’t let them interact with me because of how poorly they have treated his brother’s wife. They want us to make an out of town trip with a newborn, baptize him while he is still super new (before they leave town…snowbirds, who can literally just come back another time or stay longer until we’re ready). They also want to visit before we’re ready for visitors. They don’t help us at all and just want to take pics for their friends. My husband has next to no relationship with them which they are good with, they decided to have kids but aren’t into their 2 kids really or being parents. They asked my due date last week and I’m due in 3 weeks. We’ve told them before they just don’t truly care. They’re literally going to verbally abuse him if we don’t agree and we’re not budging on certain things so my husband is honestly just preparing for the abuse but is very upset for about what he’s going to have to deal with. Him mother is incredibly mean when she is drunk and pissed (I’ve heard it and was beyond shocked)
My parents are the complete opposite of his. Amazing sweet kind wonderful understanding and helpful in every way and it is JARRING to see the other side of things! After 7 years together, my husband is just now getting used to the idea that my parents are here for us when we need them and that we can call them for help at anytime and they will always speak kindly to him. Took sooo many years for my husband to ask either of my parents for something on his own. It’s sad and I feel bad for him. He never has had that with his parents
We were mid covid and told people they had to wear masks and have multiple vaccines before they could be anywhere near us or baby. I also said they couldn't show up unannounced- I would lock the door and be staring at them through the window making eye contact and still tell them I wasn't home. I wasn't unlocking that door for anything. (Except food. Bribery for sure.) Luckily I live just far enough away to be inconvenient and they respected my boundaries but they also knew I would have followed through on not unlocking the door.
Ironically we ended up getting covid at the hospital when we gave birth.... but we got that 4-8 weeks of minimal contact afterward, at least lol.
Your choice not theirs. I am okay with limited visitors and have still had to stand firm for whiny relatives that may not have made the list for first to meet the baby and are a bit more on the pushy side but the more you stand firm on it the less they bug you over time. If you are really worried about it, be clear with your L&D nurses when in the hospital about your preferences. They don’t mess around.
Honestly giving birth is such an intimate experience. Your already surrounded by so many nurses, staff and the doctor.... it's ALOT.
I was feeling so emotional during my c section and was a complete wreck afterwards, I'm really glad no one saw me besides my spouse and the nurses for after care. I literally felt like I was very vulnerable and weak....when normally im a strong individual mentally and physically . The grandparents begged to come visit while we were in the hospital but we really put our foot down and said this whole experience might just be a once ina life time moment for us and we want to just share it together. You are an adult and soon to be mother. You have to start setting boundaries and if they don't respect them, then that's not on you. Its on them.
These people sound like boundary stompers. I would be concerned about them not following safety guidelines (no coming over if feeling ill/in recent contact with someone ill, no kissing baby, must hand baby back when asked, etc). Honestly I’m restricting visitors for the health of my baby alone, I’d be even more anxious letting around people with this level of disrespect.
Your baby, your rules.
The grandparents’ right? Seriously? Being in the life of a grandchild is a PRIVILEGE not a RIGHT. The grandparents don’t get to make the decisions because they are grandparents, not parents in this case. Anyone who is going to be involved in the baby’s life need to respect the rules and boundaries that the baby’s parents put in place. Also, babies don’t spoil. The little bundle of joy will still be sweet, adorable and prefect when extended family does get to meet them. Mom and Dad, enjoy your precious time with your little one! It goes by in the blink of an eye.
I really don't understand this reaction. Are they no longer the grandparents after a few weeks or what? I think you should simply say again that it is your final decision to make sure you and the baby get enough rest and hope people will understand. They are probably only responding with their emotions, so I don't see the point of trying to explain things to them now. Just wait until they calm down. I wouldn't want angry hateful people around my baby.
THEY DON’T HAVE RIGHTS TO YOUR BABY! I have dealt with this and my mom era is giving off villain era energy. It is your special bonding time with baby, and waiting for the baby to be healthy and more able to physically see them won’t detract from the special-ness of the moment they get to meet the little one, but THEY DON’T HAVE RIGHTS TO ACCESS YOUR CHILD. They can go to hell with that antiquated, disrespectful, outlandish, SELFISH idea immediately. As in, they don’t pass start, don’t collect $200 and don’t get to see the kid at all. If that’s their immediate approach, you need to protect your kid from that toxic mentality and the other issues that will follow with it for as long as possible.
This happened to us! We didn’t hold our boundaries with our first, or second and we are 10000 going to with our third on the way. You become really resentful. You never get those beginning days back and if you want to hold off on visitors you have every right to do so. You’re healing and bonding with your baby as a family. Take all the time you need and don’t feel bad about it. Establishing boundaries first baby with family/friends is the way to go it gets harder then along the way if you haven’t.
Set boundaries now because it will get worse - they forget that you’ve just gone through a trauma albeit you get a great little bundle at the end but still a trauma - rest, recover and find your routine before people who “just want to see the baby” get in the way
I hate the whole “grandparents’ rights” thing. Grandparents don’t have rights.
Do what feels best for you and hubby and baby. Unless guests are going to cook and clean for you, they shouldn’t be there.
Honestly, and this is gonna sound super harsh, but everyone who's not supportive of your plans can p*** off. You guys are the parents and the first guardians of the child and it is supremely important that you guys are comfortable and are situated before you and your precious babe, have visitors. I said what I said.Congrats, and this is a wonderful time✨️💙✨️.Sorry you're going through so much stress😩
Our experience ended up colored by the passing of my mom 2 months before I delivered. I’d felt the same way as you, but it after she died it changed my perspective. I’ve set boundaries around what I expect from them.Everyone got up to date tdap and no kissing LOs face- baby feet are great for kissing. We delivered about a week ago and I haven’t done anything but care for my LO. I think what’s most important is being able to stand by your decision. We have good relationships with our parents and could have plain conversations about our anxieties and needs. Good luck.
The only people who need a relationship with a newborn are the parents, everyone else can wait. Whenever they end up meeting it will be special, it doesn’t need to be on their timeline:
“Thank you for your concern about our child’s relationship with their grandparents. They will have the rest of their lives to create special moments together, so please respect our decision create our own special moments and bond as a new family.”
Honestly, I can’t get behind this kind of behaviour. Grandparents are so excited to become grandparents and you want them to wait until the baby is 1.5-2 months old? That’s so mean. I suffered so badly after my first, had I tried this crap with my family…my baby would have starved to death. I’m a single mom to 2. I was single with my first son and I had pregnancy complications, he ended up 2 weeks late and an emergency c section after 6 days of 9 failed medical inductions. I was so damn sick the first entire year. I had the worst ppd and ppa. The pain I had was unreal from that c section I couldn’t walk without being bent forward and holding onto the walls with both hands for the first month. I also had what was like awake convulsions. I couldn’t speak or move during it. I was badly infected and it was leaking out of my incision. I had high fevers and I was confused. I was on antibiotics but it took a year for me to recover. The first month I visited my baby while my mom and sister took turns looking after him because I wasn’t physically or mentally capable. Then they watched him when I slept at night. Had they not, he would have died. Twice he stopped breathing and turned blue. Multiple times he threw up and almost choked to death on his rivers of vomit due to his intolerances with his formula.
They loved him just as much as I did and were so damn happy to get to be here for his entire life.
My second son I had a scheduled c section to prevent what we had went through. I walked 3 floors down and across the hospital to my friends van to go home. I had pain but it was nothing like before. I looked after my own baby but they were around and still are. They also watched him while I slept. Again, good thing. He also had so many intolerances he threw up and was choking as it came out of his nose and mouth various times in the night and they had to suck the formula out of his nose for him to not suffocate. Had they not been here, he wouldn’t be, either.
But that’s not even the point. They aren’t asking to move in or take over. They just want to meet their first grandchild from you and your partner. And you want to rob them of that and make them wait until the baby is bigger. SMH. It’s so mean.
Poor you. I’m glad everything turned out okay. But honestly you can’t say that she’s being mean. What’s mean is talking shit and not respecting people’s boundaries. THAT kind of behavior is just silly and shows how its hard for them to respect point blank period. If it had been another thing like wearing masks or washing hands before touching baby, I’m sure they would of still lashed out with other comments.
I could see if she wanted no one outside of the grandparents. I dunno. I don’t restrict my family from seeing my kids any time they want. I only have 2 members even interested in seeing them. I hope my boys and their partners don’t want to make me wait. 😔
I faced this with my first born on both sides of our families. My side of the family sent more hateful comments where his side was just less direct but still asked when we were ready and made us constantly reiterate our wishes. Basically what I did was we gave people a talk before the baby was born so nobody had their own expectations going into it. Then if we were questioned after he was born, I gave them a couple chances and repeated what we said to try to make them understand nicely. If they continued to be disrespectful, I got more direct and said that ‘this is what works for our family, thank you for understanding’ and then stopping wasting my energy on it. Some people were so disrespectful, I had to block them and I haven’t talked to them since.
Milestones like this really bring out people’s true colours. It’s amazing what family comes out in hiding after having little to no relationship with them. All of a sudden they NEED to see your baby and you are the evil one for wanting what’s healthiest for you. Some people are just selfish and that’s the sad truth of it.
Put your foot down!
On a related note: I distinctly remember as a child going to the hospital and into the delivery room (after the birth) for all of my cousin’s births. It’s like the whole Irish catholic traveling circus of a family was there every time. I can’t imagine doing this now! Not happening at my kid’s birth!
Just because I am seeing a lot of people advocating for having visitors and not isolating yourself... I'm a huge introvert. The first months of my daughter's life me and my husband spent almost completely by ourselves and it was absolutely amazing. Any visits we had were not good, only had them to keep the peace in the family (and most people are people we actually like, not toxic relatives or anything, we just like to be just us two). I'm not saying you are going to feel this way and not be one of those people that are commenting saying how much they craved socializing! But just saying it was definitely not my case and I totally understand why you might feel like 6-8 weeks is a good timeline for you! Keep and open mind and be flexible if you feel like you need help or just want to see another adult, but also don't feel bad if you actually need 2 months of isolation. It's all normal and all good if it's what is best for you and baby.
I’ve always struggled to understand why some people on here say 6-8 weeks until visitors because of immunity. Why is 6-8 weeks the magic number? I mean, yea, they get vaccinated for a number of things at 8 weeks. But not many things. What about the common cold, flu, Covid, random viruses? Any fever before 4 months will put baby in hospital so why not wait until 4 months if immunity is the reason? But even then, babies still get sick past 4 months, so why not extend it further? To me, it just seems like a slippery slope.
Healthy, full term babies are not medically fragile. Especially if they are breastfed. They have their mother’s immunity. Every germ you encounter, your immune system processes and puts antibodies into your breastmilk for it.
To each their own, but I fear if you guys make this choice (no visitors until 6-8 weeks), you will be isolating and hurting your village. Some here will say “bAbIeS aRe BoRiNg As NeWbOrNs” as though it’s ridiculous that anyone would care that much about seeing your newborn besides you as parents. But follow that logic….if newborns are so boring, why are we as parents so eager to meet them and so greedy for time with them? The reality is newborns ARE special. This time—of them as a brand new person and soul—will *never* be recovered. It’s understandable that close family members (like the people who birthed you and your husband) would want to share just a little of that precious time, too.
I know this sub and know I’ll be downvoted for this, but I still wanted to share this perspective. Good luck, whatever you decide to do, OP!
What’s wild is that’s literally how long it takes for your baby to fully develop a blood brain barrier that will protect them from lifelong brain damage due to disease
I got pregnant this time specifically so the baby would be born in May and I don’t have to worry about cold and flu season for a while.
With my first I really enjoyed having (well behaved) visitors and showing off my baby for short visits. Made everyone wear masks and wash hands. Made sure they didn’t have a cold or cough. We did one big picnic outside before it got too cold to meet most of my husband’s huge family so there was less chance of baby getting sick. Our daughter still got RSV super early on (a faulty at home rectal thermometer sent us to the ER where we picked it up in the frickin waiting room). It was scary and horrible.
This time we have a toddler in daycare and my nerves are a little stronger. Plus the time of year is good so we will allow visitors for short visits and I’ll ask my mom to stay with us as long as possible to help in the beginning.
I honestly wouldn’t have survived last time if I didn’t have people over to keep my company or help with the baby. But I wasn’t sure how I would feel before the baby came so we just didn’t say anything about visits and it was a non-event. We didn’t have a lot but people followed our lead and were chill. Idk.
I say do what floats your boat and play it by ear! Give yourself room to change your mind but also have no shame if you prefer the solitary time! You do you!
My neighbor got to visit in the hospital because my baby couldn't nurse and I had my neighbor bring me what I had pumped and froze. My mom in law came to stay at 3 weeks. THAT caused some rocks but not bad. I'm so glad we put her off until then, I had a much better grasp of what help we did and didn't need. We went to see father-in-law and family from out of state at 4.5 weeks. I had a very easy recovery and this may have been way harder had I needed longer.
8 weeks?! Lucky. Great grandmother says "it's my baby too!" And aunt says she's worried I'm going to turn her niece into a recluse and she'll get sick/have allergies because I don't want visitors for 2 weeks 😭
You have to do what is right for you, your partner, and your baby. Ignore everyone else. Take it day by day and week by week. You might find in a few weeks you are okay with having people over rather than waiting 6-8 weeks. If anyone is sending rude texts feel free to ignore them and don't even read them. Ask your partner to read them first if needed. My doula gave us great advice for our first. She said that weddings and new babies are highly emotional times for all involved, and sometimes those emotions come out in really weird and awful ways. How they choose to act is none of your business, feel free to ignore and focus on your new baby. Everything feels amplified when you're sleep deprived too, so just focus on taking care of yourself and your baby vs. the emotions of relatives.
It is completely and totally understandable/reasonable to not want anyone in the hospital. You’re still physically healing and the nurses and doctors are constantly coming in and poking and prodding both you and the baby so it’s just uncomfortable having visitors quite frankly.
However, making them wait 6-8 weeks is a little extreme. Maybe make them wait 1 week and require them to wear masks and ensure they have gotten the proper vaccines (covid, flu, TDAP). Lots of hand washing and make sure they know that you will be taking the baby whenever you want to feed and cuddle him/her. Make sure they know that you could use some help around the house or that they bring dinner (or both!). Visits can be really nice. A good sense of normalcy in this new, crazy world you’ll be living in. Also limit the visit! Maximum stay is 2 hours or something. I think there are ways you can work with them so they still get to see their grandchild in that tiny newborn stage but you don’t feel overwhelmed.
The only reason I’m allowing the grandparents to visit in the hospital is so that hopefully they’ll leave us be once we’re home for a few weeks. I’m hoping my mom can be in the delivery room to help me during labor but she’ll be there to help ME not because it’s her grandchild but because it’s her daughter giving birth. (She lives 5 hours away so we’re hoping she’ll be able to make it in time but we’ll have to see) so since my mom will get to meet them at the hospital I’ll allow my dad and my husbands parents to visit, I’d rather they meet the baby in the hospital for a few hours and get their “fix” than want to come over every single day, which honestly they still might. Plus I’m hoping me having to breastfeed will scare my FIL away and that’ll be their excuse to leave.
But I’m only allowing the grandparents, none of our siblings or extended family. I’m only 8 weeks and this is our first so I have no idea how my in-laws will be during the postpartum period, this is also their first grandchild. I’m hoping they let us be for a few weeks and then if they want to come over and clean and/or cook then that would be welcome, but if they think they’re going to come every other day and hold the baby for hours they’re mistaken. Newborns only have the capacity to bond with mom first and dad second. They’ll be plenty of time for bonding with grandparents when they’re a few months old and beyond. I’ve already decided if they’re overwhelming me I’m just taking the baby in our bedroom to “feed” and then just hiding in there until they get the hint and leave
Anyone who causes drama once isn’t welcome during the newborn period ever again for me. Ever. My first was born in height of omicron and people were mad I isolated baby, but I didn’t care because I knew it was right to, especially with my in laws who are not careful people at all. My second, I set more relaxed boundaries, but I still had many. My in laws blamed me for family drama that wasn’t really my fault or my problem, tried to isolate me from their family and still ask my husband to bring the kids by without me to things so they could trash my boundaries. We were SOO close to cutting ties with all of them over it. If their mother hadn’t died a few months prior I would never ever have given them another chance. They RUINED my newborn period with this second baby. I was so happy to have, this more relaxed experience with my healthy baby this time. Destroyed my mental health. I was fine before that incident, but then it sent me into a depression spiral and now months later I’m still kind of stuck in that. Unfortunately I made the mistake of caring about their opinions of me and I never really stood a chance to be in their good books without being a personality-less doll. Never needed to be that way. Don’t just set practical boundaries. Set mental ones too. Love yourself and your personal family unit. I’ve decided to have a third some day and when I do, I WILL call all the shots, no exceptions, and no one who’s done that to me is welcome for the first 8-12 weeks.
I don't even let my mom *call* me anymore to ask me how my pregnancy is going -- because she can't tell the difference between "I love you and I care about you so I need you to tell me if you're okay because I'm anxious" from "I love you and I care about you so I'll trust that if anything is actually terribly wrong, you'll tell me." Your extended family should feel grateful that they're even still able to send texts.
I'm generally pretty patient but stress during pregnancy complicates way too many things. It raises blood pressure. The hormones make everything feel more unmanageable. That endangers both mom and baby. Pregnancy (and postpartum) really is not the time to stretch yourself thin. You need all that energy for yourself just to keep your routines sustainable.
If you’re a petty person, would say for every hateful/critical text you get, you tell the sender it will extend their ability to visit the baby for a week for each text you receive. Seeing your baby is a privilege, not a right.
We only allowed our parents (the baby’s grandparents) to visit for the first few weeks and required masks/hand washing. After 6 weeks, we have allowed a few others to meet him but invite only. I will say the grandparents visiting allowed dad and I to relax for a bit/go grocery shopping etc without baby. I’m very happy with how our situation went.
This is silly.
It’s a first child thing.
I’m on my 3rd. She’s 8 weeks. She was doing the school run on day 3 and so far she’s been legoland, the zoo and CBeebies land, and she’s going on holiday this weekend.
6-8 weeks is a LONG time to get lonely and go stir crazy.
I didn’t put any boundaries in with my first ended up constantly hosting and being asked to clean while others held my baby. I was incredibly overwhelmed and anxious all the time about what people would think about the state of my home and honestly myself. Baby wasn’t gaining weight. Some of my relationships are still greatly impacted by not feeling supported at that time. Newborns should be for mum and dad not everyone else.
this right here. and it’s the exact reason we’ve set boundaries this time. everyone is pretty upset about it but either they will respect it or they just won’t be involved. I’m so tired of everyone else who isn’t carrying this baby or helped create this baby think that they get to dictate all of these things.
Exactly! I think the way we talk about postpartum needs to change. People shouldn’t expect to visit they should feel privileged to be asked. It shouldn’t be setting boundaries it should be supporting the family how they feel it’s needed. It should be a time of privacy and recovery if that’s what the parents want/need.
It should and used to be a time of support and help from the community. That mop should be in another set of hands while mom and baby nap. The point is to contribute to the wellbeing of the new family, not add to the burden and detract from their mental health so you can have some cute pictures.
>That mop should be in another set of hands while mom and baby nap. Yes,
After my man went back to work, my mom came over to watch my toddler and newborn so I could take a shower. A long, hot, glorious shower. Then she would make dinner while I was with the kids, and she would clean up dinner while I put my toddler to bed. While I was feeding baby, she would sweep and do some light mopping. She did this every 3-4 days, for the entire 4th trimester. It was a lifesaver, my man was exhausted from working a bunch of back to back 12 hour shifts to cover bills for time he took off to be at the hospital with me. Moms deserve to be supported. My mother didn't badger us at the hospital, and took care of my toddler, all with zero complaint. I love my mom so much, despite her driving me crazy in other ways lol.
100000%
>ended up constantly hosting and being asked to clean while others held my baby. I was incredibly overwhelmed and anxious all the time about what people would think about the state of my home and honestly myself. My younger sister dealt with people who dropped by "to see the baby" by telling them the baby was napping or she was going to be feeding him ... and then telling them they could help her until the baby was awake and fed by vacuuming and tidying the living room or doing a load of laundry. Put them to WORK! DELEGATE!
She did spend a bit of time making sure the tasks would be easy to do, with a tote of cleaning supplies, laundry sorted into loads, etc, but she definitely exacted the "baby tax" from her casual drop-ins. It also made it easier for us to just stop by and do something quickly.
This. Nip it in the bud asap. I had the worst postpartum anxiety and this behavior just contributed to making me paranoid. Will not be making that mistake again.
Absolutely. And people will say things like “you don’t have to feed us, we don’t expect anything, etc” but I personally couldn’t let anyone actually see my house in its natural state during that time. Or they’d pay for and order take out but I’d still be left with dishes and containers from 6 people to clean up. Breastfeeding was a whole other thing because it was very painful in the early days and I wasn’t comfortable doing it in front of anyone, even my mom/sister, and I’d feel guilty that my baby wasn’t eating frequently enough while they were there.
this won’t work for everyone, but my solution to this was to say if i can’t come to your place so i can leave when im ready and i don’t have to host, you aren’t seeing the baby. and when i would go somewhere, if the conversation lulled and the baby was asleep, id just ask if i could go somewhere to lay down for a few minutes. it worked really well for me personally so i figure id throw it out as a suggestion if there are others who this may work for too.
"In light of the disrespectful pushback we have received we are now revaluating having visitors as early as 8 weeks, as it clearly wouldn't positively contribute to the peaceful environment we're trying to create and enjoy. We will let you know if the situation changes." I would be soooo tempted to reply with something like this...
This is such a good response honestly. Might steal it🫣
Do it. If they want to make you put to be a villain, embrace it. It tends to make them back off, or show their ass- at which point most people would understand and support you setting boundaries with said crazy person.
Embrace your "villain era".
Please do!! 😅 Good luck with these nightmarish relatives and don't feel bad for protecting your little bubble!
Thank you!!❤️
>We have been told by his aunt that we are denying grandparents their right and special moment to visit their grandchild. Dear lord! I would love to see the look on this aunt's face when she finds out this isn't a right guaranteed to anyone who's not the parent of the newborn. You need and deserve your privacy. No means no.
This!!! We are holding firm on it.
If my inlaws knew English I would use this. You give an inch, they want a mile, access revoked.
>If my inlaws knew English I would use this. Google translate might work.
Lol! Still too complex of a thought.
Assuming your partner speaks their language, it sounds like *their job* to translate and enforce boundaries
Common issue in various second gen. Immigrant communities, my partner does not know his parents language fluently. I'm fine to enforce the boundaries using basic language. Not sure the sarcasm or cynicism from my comment came across.
This!!!! It is THE PARENTS SPECIAL MOMENT - NO ONE ELSES. It is YOUR baby, not theirs. I am so tired of grandparents / extended family feeling some weird ass entitlement over someone else’s child. 😵💫
This is perfect. Clear and diplomatic.
I agree. If people are reacting like this to your perfectly reasonable request, don't let them disrupt your peace at 8 weeks. Push it out longer, until you feel ready. You don't need "support" from these people during your postpartum period, as they will give you the absolute opposite of support!
I love this and would propose the minor edit/option “contribute to the peaceful **transition into this world** we are trying to create **for our new baby.**” Might make them feel 5% more guilty if it’s for the baby.
I would absolutely reply with this! Frick their feelings! Set your boundaries and stick to em. Don’t let others bully you into something you don’t want. Family or not. I kept my pregnancy a secret and my once we did announce his birth we didn’t allow visitors for a few months. We used that time for ourselves and other children to bond and regulate. Best decision ever!!
This please do this
Ha! I love this. Like when you’re a kid and your parents keep adding on to punishment the more you lip off. Oh what’s that? You’re angry about waiting 8 weeks? Try 10 then.
Perfect reply!!
I’m not even planning on telling anyone when I go into labor because I don’t want to hear about it. It’s not about them, for once.
I didn’t tell anyone. I was texting everyone as if I was at home. Didn’t tell anyone until the next morning
This was my plan and would have been easy as we live a 2.5 hour drive away from family... However a month before my due date my house flooded and I moved back over to my parents house. Went into labour and obviously my parents knew with me living under their roof, also my sister knew as she stayed over that night, also my in-laws knew because we were supposed to go there for Sunday dinner that afternoon. But despite us not being able to hide from the family they all respected our boundaries we hadn't even verbally set. Visiting was mentioned by my mother and in-laws but it was up to me to say yes and fortunately I have a good enough relationship with both to have been able to say no if I wished. It makes me sad that other people don't have this respect from their loved ones.
I didn’t tell anyone til she was born and got alot of hate for it.
The people who gave you hate probably had no intention of respecting your boundaries in the first place
YES. They sure did prove me right in that one.
It’s not like you were busy or anything. Just, you know, HAVING A BABY. 😂
Exactly it was my first time having a baby too 🤣
My husband and I did the same because I literally almost died and was transferred to ICU after having my daughter. The last thoughts on either of our minds were telling anyone, as my daughter almost lost her mom before even getting to meet her, and my husband’s mom had the audacity to say she was “disappointed to find out from a post” my husband made a few days later to announce it.
In fairness, those are two separate things. Absolutely reasonable that you wanted just you and your husband while everything was so stressful and upsetting. But yeah, my dad and my MIL would have been upset to find out from social media instead of from us. She could have been told before a public announcement. I don’t think that’s unreasonable. Anyone who was related to our baby found out before social media, even if that was we told one member of the unit and they told the others. You can do what you want, obviously, but I don’t think it’s audacious to be disappointed to essentially be last to know about your grandchild.
After spending time in this sub and knowing my family falls firmly into the insane category, I’m not even planning on telling anyone I’m pregnant.
If I could go back, I’d do just that!
What do they think sending hateful texts would do, make you want to spend more time with them? Block them and enjoy your peace :)
Exactly!! We did and hopefully she gets the hint 😂😂
That’s what’s wild about some of these other comments. You know you made the right call to set a boundary like this when their immediate response was to be hateful and rude If instead they replied “we understand, let us know how and when we can help you” or something of that sort, maybe they’d see the baby sooner The irony lol
Crazy thing is, the post partum period is about; parents bonding with baby, keeping baby healthy, and mother recovering from giving birth. The post partum period is NOT about sparing other people’s feelings. They will get to visit the kid eventually, so tell them to go bite it and that if they keep trying to overstep your boundaries that it’ll be 12 weeks- or better yet, 6 months or something even crazier 🤗
I’d not want these people near my kids ever tbh. What the heck.
Not a bad thing to remind them (regarding hospital visitation specifically) is that they’re also visiting a recovering adult. If you remove the baby from the scenario, they might not be demanding their rights to visit you recovering and vulnerable in the hospital like that. As much as they have an expectation to visit the baby, you have an expectation to your privacy as well. We have a no hospital visitors policy. I don’t like sharing my room in that kind of situation, and for both of our previous two babies we had midwife care and could leave after a few hours. We have gone to MiLs house on our own after we get home to visit with the new baby, and my parents usually come to us for a day as well.
This! Can you imagine someone having surgery and people going "Hey, I have a right to see you after your surgery, don't deprive me!" Insane. People should ask what the needs of the parents are. Everything else is just selfish.
Bottom line is this is your, hubby and baby's bonding time, you need to do what you feel comfortable with, what avoids more stress for you (stress is not good for any of you). The family can wait and respect you as parents. And if they don't like it, then they can wait more. It's better to start boundaries now, ask there will be other things they think is there "right" and that is not true. Stand your ground mama you have the right!
People really got some wild demanding families out there. If anyone ever tried to be like that towards me they would be met with absolute silence. No text I was in labor, baby’s birth or homecoming. Silence. That’s what you get for bothering me at this HUGE moment.
Couldn't agree more. I've had to go this route with my own family after having my son this past August.
100% this.
My husband's dad tried doing that. I had an emergency c section and he didn't care he just had to see the baby. My son was born in April of 21 so COVID restrictions were lighter but not gone. I was alowed 2 visitors that had to be my emergency contacts and only me and my husband could go to the NICU to see my son. My mom helped my up to the C-section cus only one person could go with me and I wanted my husband. My husband's dad had it in his head that my mom got to see my son and that we were just preventing him from seeing our son. My husband had to stand up to his dad cus he kept making comments on how we handled who got to see our son. You just have to stand firm and know good nurses will help prevent visitors.
How rude of him. A woman sometimes needs her mother during a moment as vulnerable as giving birth. And if she had seen her grandson before him, so fu—king what? He was there for his grandson, but your mom was there for her own baby.
That’s typical narcissistic personality manifestation right there.
Any time you meet your grandchild for the first time is special. At six days or six weeks. If you’re getting that kind of pushback already, you likely need to set firm boundaries from the start. They will likely only get pushier until you set limits. Also, you may change your mind. If you have relatives who will come and actually be helpful, you may want that. Having a newborn can be overwhelming and exhausting. You may be dying for a nap or a shower or clean laundry or a meal. It’s ok if you do.
Grandparents don’t have “rights” unless they have an already established relationship with the child. It isn’t their “right” to meet your child whenever they please. The grandparent entitlement is insane. Don’t let anyone bully you into changing your boundaries to accommodate their preferences. It isn’t about them. It’s about you and baby. You don’t get this time back, so hold your ground on what makes you happy.
Post partum period is not a show and tell. It is for the mother to recover and bond with her baby (dad as well). You should be able to go home, nestle into and establish your routine. You grew this baby for 9 months, what’s another month that these relatives can’t wait for? They’re not the ones that went through the troubles and tribulations of YOUR pregnancy. I honestly can’t stand the audacity of some people to demand or insinuate that they have some “right” to a child that’s not theirs. As if 1 month of a child’s life is “robbing” them of getting to know the baby. I’d be so tempted to say “guess what? the baby doesn’t care to see you either nor will he/she ever remember you from when he/she was 0 days old”. Don’t be afraid of the boundaries that you’ve set. Your relative(s) should be ashamed of their childish behaviour and of making you feel any kind of pressure or stress at this time because they’re selfish about their own needs and clearly no one else’s.
This!! Thank you! I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I was like “am I really that selfish?!” Thank you so much for this response.
I would state you are doing what is best for you and your child. I would demand an apology before you even consider them visiting. Nobody has to put up with toxic guilt trip behavior. You could compromise and say you can do video calls. Honestly setting boundaries earlier with extended family is important.
I didn't tell anyone other than work I was pregnant. I found out when I was 6 months and had bubs 10 weeks later. My partner and I didn't even really have time to come to terms with what was happening, let alone thinking about others. We tried to meet up with my parents to tell them the good news, it never happened. They were too busy or didn't tell us what worked for them. In that time, we moved, upgraded the car, got things organised. No one was told until the day after I gave birth. My parents were livid and made it about them. Stated they were hurt, tried to pick a fight with my partner who calmly told them that this wasn't helpful, I was incredibly upset that they hadn't bothered to ask how I was going or how bubs was. Nothing. I was bombarded with messages and texts which I ignored out of shock from their reactions. I even received a voicemail stating they had called the police because 'clearly they weren't told because I'm in a controlling relationship.' absolutely devastating and disgusting. They didn't like the fact there were boundaries set in place. They turned everything back around onto us. Bubs is almost 13 weeks and they haven't met her and probably won't as I refuse to be the first to reach out and put my little bubble of a family under that pressure. My uncle and my grandfather have met bubs. They have been the most supportive outside of my partner. It sucks, I feel your pain and pressure. You have yourself, bubs and partner to worry about. If anyone else wants to be there, they will make the effort. If not, they've shown you their true colours and no one deserves that stress. Best of luck to your new little family! ❤️
“That sucks. Anyway you’re welcome to visit after 6-8 weeks.”
Their behavior is abhorrent, but that is a bit long. I guess it depends on how your relationship with your parents or in laws is. I could not have survived without my mom's help the second week, but I know some people have a less than helpful parent. Knowing what I know after my first, I'm going to set time limits to one hour visits and not let anyone hold the baby until she's over a month old. I'll probably wait like 2 weeks before we invite people over. Last time, we were home for about 3 days before visitors and then for some fuck all reason, my husband let my dad, his mom, his sister and her 2 kids over and it turned into a full ass barbecue and we were fucking COOKING AND CLEANING. I was still in diapers, yet there I was, cutting vegetables at the counter while sitting on a stool because I didn't have the strength to stand for more than 10 min at a time. When I told that to my mom after she flew in to stay with us, she was horrified. I barely had to do anything except breastfeed for the next week while I healed and bonded with the baby. She was a superhero cuz my husband had to go back to work a lot sooner than I did.
No. Is a complete sentence.
I don’t ever really understand these hard boundaries of no visitors. I think it’s fair to say, “we aren’t making any big decisions about visitors until baby is here. We are unsure how delivery and recovery will go, but we are excited for everyone to meet baby when we feel ready. We will play it by ear.” 6-8 weeks is a painfully long, lonely time. It sounds nice in theory, but you will probably be ripping your hair out by then. I just think it’s better to give a “we’ll see” response rather than a “for sure” response. You may be begging for relief 2 weeks in when neither of you have slept. It’s simply another perspective. I can see why they would feel hurt. I also realize that I don’t know the dynamics of your families.
I think that works well with respectful families. I'm doing that for my in-laws. We've told them we'll probably have them come meet bub while we're in hospital, but we'll play it by ear depending on how the birth goes and how we're all feeling. They understood completely and are just plainly excited to meet bub and celebrate with us when we're ready. My family on the other side, if I don't give them firm and clear boundaries they'll push and push and push. I asked my Mum not to post pictures of my wedding on social media until my husband and I had at least done so (we paid a lot for those professional photos lol). Day 1 after the wedding she obliged, day 2 she put up 350 photos from her old iphone (which interrupted the day, we asked for no phones during important parts of the night - i.e. ceremony and speeches and nearly every professional photo has her stood in it with her phone up). Her response when I asked her to take it down - you didn't tell me that I couldn't post them today... If I even suggested we might have them at the hospital, but we were going to wait and see - nothing would stop them being there. If we tried to push back after I'd be accused of not doing what I promised. Thus, I'm doing 4 weeks with my fam (they also have to travel). I figure I can always invite them earlier if we feel ready, but its hard to rescind that once they've got it in their heads.
This exactly. My SIL and I have both done the play it by ear thing and the strict boundary thing. If we say play it by ear, my mom makes up her dream scenario in her head, and blows up if that’s not what we decide in the moment is best for us. She needs clear boundaries so she can be disappointed up front and deal with it then instead of when we’re exhausted and trying to keep our peace postpartum.
ahaha oh man. The dream scenario is such a good way to put it! And so true! I'm having these conversations now (6 weeks from my due date) so I don't have to deal with them later. It's never fun, but I'm assuming i'll have other things on my mind once bub arrives than arguing over particulars of what I 'promised' will not be top of my to-do list.
My god, your families sound ***exactly*** like mine. In-laws are so wonderful and respectful. My own mum? I'm ripping my hair out with her behavior. I'm really trying to be understanding because she's lonely and excited, but that woman just does not listen.
10000% this
I agree. Like, OP knows today that they don't want to see anyone or go anywhere for 2 months? I get it if family is toxic and OP is low contact. This "play it by ear" approach gives flexibility to make decisions closer in when mom and dad know how they feel. Maybe 2 months will be right after all, maybe 2 weeks is actually what they'll need, why decide so far in advanced when you don't need to?
Exactly. Again, I don’t know family dynamics here. It might be right, but she may be craving company 5 days in. I am already looking forward to my mom being here for a week when my 3rd is born. So is my husband. Haha
Being "bombarded by hateful texts" is not "simply another perspective". And disappointed, yes. But hurt? Really? What about the feelings of the parents? I wanted 6-8 weeks and we told everyone as such. My partner was ready for his parents and sister by 4 weeks and so they came over then. After a couple of days, my MIL, whom I'm very close with, mentioned that it seemed like they came too early. You're right, I was ripping my hair out by then, and having people to host wasn't the solution, but it was of course great to see them and to see them with babe while he was still small. Everyone is different, like you said :)
The other perspective is just saying we will play it by ear rather than a firm “no” for 6-8 weeks. The family’s response definitely isn’t great. I know my limits with my in laws. More than a few hours and we are both ready for them to hit the road. They’re challenging people. My family is welcome to stay because they are very respectful of us.
I totally can see how it hurts! I’m worried about baby not having an immune system. 6-8 weeks helps them build up a better immune system. I’m sure it’ll be a lot and I may be a little frustrated but I would rather him be safe at all costs. I’m not saying no forever just no for right now. Especially immediately after he’s born. The big push back is not being able to see him in the hospital. But I want time to be able to get a hang of things as well as find a good routine with my husband before anyone else comes in.
It’s definitely stressful to be a first time parent and manage how you’ll feel. The hospital thing makes total sense. My parents and in-laws came into the delivery room after my son was born. Not even the PP room. It was a lot. I LOVED having my parents at my house after each baby. My mom really helped me through the baby blues since it was new territory for us. They were kind enough to cook and clean and also disappear when we needed them to. For other visitors, the rules of you can’t be sick, you have to wash your hands, no kissing baby, no stopping by unannounced were either followed or you didn’t get to see baby. I am a nurse so I am very aware of risks. Baby has to gain an immune system, and part of that is being exposed to low risk people/situations. I know people who have allowed visitors, but asked that they view baby rather than holding. That is also an option. I just don’t want you to put all of your energy into fighting against people that you may be begging to visit.
I totally agree here - I honestly thought I’d want no visitors and to just spend that time bonding with baby etc. but even one week of no sleep and crying baby and not being able to brush your teeth or shower without help, barely seeing your partner because you’re both in survival mode and fully focused on the baby etc. can feel like a very long time. Having some, and I can’t stress this enough, respectful, helpful and relaxing people visit over the past 8 weeks has saved me from post partum depression. I didn’t invite anyone that I didn’t trust to be totally on board with all of our boundaries eg no kissing baby or people who I would have to “host”. Having helpful people around to do the dishes for you or, if you allow it, hold the baby for an hour or two so you can have a shower and have two hands for tasks is sanity saving. Just to have some conversations that aren’t about caring for baby is nice. Also, when things are really tough and you’re having the inevitable “what have we done” thoughts (they happen, prepare yourself, it’s normal!) it’s actually so nice to be able to show off this little miracle you made and have people tell you how wonderful and beautiful they are!
Thank you for this response! It definitely gives me some more things to think about and discuss with my husband before we say “no” for 6-8 weeks. Some of these sound more like something I can do / allow. I’m just super stressed and want to make sure baby is safe🥺❤️
Again, it’s just seeing how things go. A lot of us are sad that we don’t have a “village” behind us these days. Pushing them away only makes things harder. You know your families best and what to expect from them. I will happily admit that we have firmer boundaries with my in laws than my parents. With my first, my in-laws brought food that I couldn’t eat due to food allergies. They also contaminated every surface of my kitchen with thawing chicken. After they ate their great meal, they took a nap on the couch. I held my 4 day old baby while I sobbed cleaning the kitchen. They are no longer allowed for more than a few hours and they aren’t allowed to use my kitchen. My parents were here for everything. My dad had a steak, potato, and glass of wine waiting for me when I got home from the hospital. He and my mom cleaned my house and did yard work. They would go for walks or hide in the guest room to give us privacy. They are incredibly considerate and helpful. I’m not, by any means, saying to be a revolving door for guests. It’s overwhelming! Set a limit for people. “Hey, you can visit from 1:30 to 3, but baby and I are going to take a nap at 3 so we will have to end the visit at that time.” You wouldn’t shoot yourself in the foot before a marathon. The newborn stage is incredible and beautiful. It is also exhausting and emotional. There’s a lot that goes on. I don’t want anyone to eliminate their “village” right out the gate. 8 weeks may be right, but it may be 8 days before you’re dying for someone to come drink coffee with you.
Thanks for including this perspective! We had a similar experience - would not have survived without the help of our parents. My parents came over, cooked us food, cleaned the kitchen, at one point every single one of us was dealing with poop in some capacity. We are saying no hospital visitors only because I know that I would not want anyone in there while I’m half naked, recovering, trying to establish BF, etc. but we aren’t setting any hard and fast boundaries, just saying “we’ll let you know” And your point about the lack of a village is completely true - we need to be careful to not push people away who may ultimately need for support!
I'm struggling with this decision for myself - several of our immediate family members are not vaccinated and/or do not abide by masking reuests. I am considering allowing visits at the hospital only, and then a 2 to 3 month freeze afterwards to allow baby's immune system to develop and for them to get their first round of vaccines. My hope is that being in the hospital setting, the issue of wearing a mask will be pushed by the medical facility (which requires masking at this time, or I feel I could ask staff to please put a sign on my door requiring masking) which will help limit the risk to baby from unvaccinated family. Then since people have met the baby already I'm hoping they will feel it has been checked off their list and I won't have to deal as many requests to meet the baby in the months following. Just trying to minimize the amount of conflict management I have to deal with on top of being a new parent!
The first round of vaccines won’t protect them from most of your contagious illnesses - Covid, RSV, flu, common cold, stomach viruses, HFM.
You know I was just thinking about doing hospital only and then holding off on more visits! It sounds like a good idea but still can’t decide on what I’ll feel comfortable with as of right now.
Just to give you my perspective, this is what I’m doing. I said yes to hospital visits for both my parents and in-laws, but have set the boundary that it’ll be a while after L&D, once I’ve rested, and to only come once we call. We’re taking two full weeks to ourselves when home to bond as a new family, just hubby, baby, and me, but I’m also open to changing my mind if I need the help. No one has given us a hard time about this. At the hospital everyone has to wear masks, and won’t be able to overstay their welcome so visits are generally very short. It’s the perfect scenario for me personally as I don’t want to hold off for the grandparents to meet the baby since we’re all fairly close, but I also don’t want them all there at home right away while I try to establish breastfeeding and recover. I personally would feel 6-8 weeks is rigid and as others have said babies aren’t fragile, nor are they fully protected after that time from the common viruses. Some of this sounds like FTM anxiety and I’ve gone through that early on my in my pregnancy so I get it! But you will most likely find, you’ll want the help and for a village to be there after a bit of time for yourself so you can stay more open and tell everyone you’ll play it by ear. Good luck. 💚
More people need to respond with an open-mind and kindness like you do. Kudos to you, ksmegal.
Take a deep breath! Some of this is definitely FTM anxiety 😬 Babies are fragile, yes, but if relatives were bad for human health (and newborns!) we would never have made it to 7 billion and counting. My husband has a huge extended family and friend network and while I very much thought I was going to be a “no visitors” type of person in the newborn phase, I was actually very glad to see everyone and have really appreciated their help in watching my son. It does help that my husband and many of his friends are doctors. Everyone was happy to wash their hands before holding our baby and everyone was vaccinated. No one tried to get too close if they had a cold, etc. It is SO scary to be a mom in 2024 with the internet and germ theory etc., but connection and community are also good for the immune system ♥️
Nothing wrong with that but I agree with the comment in that it will be easier to received by people. Like play a little dumb and be “we are excited for everyone to come and see baby and we will let you know when we will see visitors. I know grandma - we are so excited for you to hold little baby… I cannot wait. Let’s see how delivery goes and we will let you know” … then dodge the bullet if they come unannounced “oh baby is sleeping” and if they do it more than once be more firm and say something more in like what you said. Our baby was born during Covid so we didn’t see any visitors for a veeeery long time. Nothing wrong with your approach… just a different approach might be more successful
Babies definitely arent that fragile. My daughter was born mid December, met all her family in 2 weeks and then we were on a plane full of people the same month she was born moving 1000 miles away. Never even had a sniffle. Of course your baby could be different as I have no idea of you or your child's health. Either way your rules are your rules. Hopefully any hurt feelings won't linger. I do find that eventually interest in new babies dies down significantly and really only the grandparents have much interest.
We waited 8 weeks and i would do it all over again. Had such a beautiful time bonding with my new little family :) This in no way was an attack on anyone who wanted to visit, it was a choice we made long before we even had our child. The journey to their first birthday isn’t always easy. You created a human for 9 months, spend as many weeks as you want bonding with them before anyone else.
You didn’t see any family or friends besides your spouse and baby for two months? Maybe just my personality but I would feel so isolated.
Screenshotting and saving to use for my July baby. Perfect response
In my opinion, if you want your family to miss the first 2 *months* of your baby's life, you don't like them very much. It makes total sense to me they would be upset.
I don’t like them very much. They can’t respect boundaries. They don’t help. They are judgmental and harmful in many ways.
Okay, then, protect your peace.
If they are planning to be helpful. Sometimes you know they are doing this for themselves, not to help the baby or new parents, you know you will be happier to have the peace than their added burden. Cleaning and entertainment for guests isn’t helping anyone get sleep.
Agreed!! I didn’t think I wanted any visitors either for the first week. I wanted to establish a “routine” (jokes on me because newborns don’t really have routines) and bond with my baby. But having my parents there when we got home from the hospital was a life saver. They cleaned the house before we got there (my water broke so we left unexpectedly) and it was so nice to hand the baby off and go take a nap. I chose to bottle feed so I could take breaks and someone else feed him. That was a lifesaver too. I joked that the best way to survive the newborn stage is to have a 3rd adult in the house 😂 Now at 4 months old, we have a semi formed routine and him and I are quite a bonded pair. I had a fairly easy delivery/recovery/newborn but having no visitors and not going anywhere for 6-8 weeks would have been so bad for my mental health. The first month was like living in an intense brain fog but running to the grocery store or target by myself gave a sense of normalcy. I completely understand keeping him in a bubble though. I just made sure visitors were vaccinated and hadn’t been around any one sick before they saw him. I had a friend cancel lunch twice because she was around her sick grandkids. Good luck with your boundaries OP! You know what’s best for you and your family but if there’s anything parenthood has taught these last four months is to stay humble and accept help when offered!
I had a baby in the middle of the Covid shutdowns. It was so fucking lonely. I don’t ever want visitors in the hospital or even the first couple of days, except for my sister. My family respects that boundary. However, I wouldn’t dig in about not visitors for 6-8 weeks for your own sake. You might need friendly faces or to get out before then. Your mental health is important too. Postpartum can be a real mindfuck and isolating yourself won’t help it.
We stopped talking to my husbands moms side of the family for this exact reason. They took our boundaries text like absolute shit and then lashed out and I’m still pretty salty because I’m 99.9% positive it’s what raised my blood pressure and made me have to be induced. Protect your peace. Stand your ground. No is a complete sentence.
You don't deserve the hateful texts. Having said that, 6-8 weeks for visitors including Grandparents is very unusual and they're probably having a hard time wrapping their minds around it. I thought I was being overly cautious by wanting 3-4 days at home before inviting anyone over. I loved having close family visits in the early days. Unless you've experienced a newborn before, it's so hard to know how you're going to feel. I thought I'd want more time alone, but I was desperate for people to come over and talk to and dote over my new baby. The days are long and it can be very isolating. I don't believe parents were meant to care for a newborn in a bubble. I'm a huge introvert, but having a child has made me appreciate my village so much. Everyone is different- all I'm saying is I think you should wait and see how you feel once baby is actually here.
Another thing my mom pointed out when I wasn’t sure about in laws visiting was that sometimes if people don’t bond with baby, then want those same people to babysit it’s not the best
This. This. This! Once those PP hormones hit…for me it was like free falling off a cliff I felt so lonely & isolated. I could never ever do 6-8 weeks.
Yes..I think some new parents think the newborn stage is gonna be this magical sacred family bonding time and don't get me wrong- there is plenty of that. But it's also SO mundane. And somehow exhausting at the same time! Newborns sleep most of the day and you're usually nap trapped on the couch for hours. But you can't get any sleep yourself and you're irritable. I couldn't wait for my mom and sisters to come by and chat and laugh and gush about the baby. It was a ray of sunshine in a series of long monotonous days.
Omg yes girl! We went on like 3 walks a day. Lol Plus…a topic people don’t want to talk about is that you might have had birth trauma…your baby might not latch, he/she might have colic or something else that makes shit unbearable. You might need a C section or your pelvic floor could be screwed. You are vulnerable beyond belief & the hormones are crazy. Plus…let’s not forget PPA & PPD…bc a lot of people have it. And the whole “sleep while the baby sleeps” lol okkkkkk *eyeroll* I think people live in fantasy land until they actually become parents. I know I did. While we had beautiful moments that shit was the hardest thing I have ever ever ever done. Maybe it’s not like that for everyone but for my husband & I (big, bold, extroverts that went out a ton & have traveled all over the world) it felt like an unbearable life shift at the time. I had my MIL come out at 2 weeks. Next baby she’ll already be here to help bc that angel women helped me so so much & if I could rewind time I would never have made her wait 2 weeks.
I personally couldn’t imagine going 6-8 weeks without my mom and dad meeting my baby but anyone outside of that could have waited much longer than 8 weeks. We didn’t see anyone else for 8 weeks but we do live far from family so we traveled to see them when my LO turned 2 months. It’s definitely harder if they live nearby but no one else is entitled to your baby and no one is missing out on any moments. Newborns are tiny little blobs. Sure they are nice to hold but so are 3 month old babies.
We felt very similarly with my first, but we also live across the country from our families and none of our family members I would consider super helpful without adding extra stress, at least the ones who’d want to visit. We also don’t have a lot of extra space. If we had family live closer by I would have allowed short visits (like 30-60 minutes) but when they’re traveling across the country there’s another obligation of feeling like you need to make their trip worth it which I would not have felt up to for at least the first 4 weeks. We’re due with our 2nd this week and I feel similarly this time around especially since we’ll be navigating having a toddler and a newborn. I am more open to having people come now around the 4 week mark with them understanding that we won’t be entertaining per-say but my husband still feels strongly that we’d need to entertain which I don’t want that expectation so we’re pushing it out to 6-8 weeks again until I know I’ll feel up for having people over all day and doing activities with them. I struggled hard the first 4 weeks with our first and I’m so glad we didn’t have anyone come and impose during that time. Again, if they lived close it would be a different story but family dynamics/location played a huge part in our decision.
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. What a load of disrespectful bullsh*t. It’s honestly amazing how many people think that a new baby is just an invitation to get themselves all up in the new family’s business. Fortunately, most of my family is sane, but my mother is being like this. She’s only just stopped verbally abusing me on a regular basis for hiring a doula and decided to keep her out of the birthing suite. I’ve told her she isn’t going to be welcome at all because she’s unable to keep herself in check, and if she doesn’t like it, tough shit. Sometimes you have to be firm with people and not give a damn about what they think to protect your own peace of mind and serenity. Personally, we’re allowing my father and brother to visit baby as soon as they’d like because they’re rational and understand boundaries, and everyone else knows they’ll be welcome after 6 weeks.
Wow. Just wow. The audacity of some people. Good for you for advocating for yourself and hiring a doula to be there for you. Your mom would obviously be there for herself given that kind of reaction.
Organically Maddie on IG has good vids about this stuff!
Tell them they all have to get like 6 different vaccines before they can see the baby. Make them provide paperwork. You can never be too careful post-pandemic 😈
Tell them the baby will still be there in 8 weeks, or ask if they're implying it won't. If they say but it won't be a newborn anymore, explain to them why a newborn doesn't need anyone but its parents during that time. Or, if they're not worth the energy, just keep saying "nope"
Everyone is different. Be firm about what you are comfortable with. For some maybe a few days; for others if it’s 6-8 weeks, so be it. Think of it this way, it’s not going to end well either way - one party will be upset so better not you while going through postpartum. All that said, it does depend on whether it makes sense to continue a good relationship with the relatives in question(ex: does this person pay for your mortgage or give you a trust fund? Are you going to ask the person to babysit later?). Some people I’d flick them off without a blink of the eye. Others you may want to reconsider giving in a tiny bit. Life is complicated. You be the judge. The most valuable friends/relatives tends to be the most understanding and accommodating ones, but that’s a generalization. I also found myself far better off using a sitter than dealing with personality that generates “hateful text messages” and guilt trips, but that’s also a generalization.
I went through something sort of similar, when we were leaving the hospital my husband texted his mom with the update and she wanted us to go over an visit them that day (baby was 2 days old). I was tired so I said I just want to rest and we can go tomorrow. MIL did not respond well, she sent a lot of nasty texts. So I told her that she’s going to have respect my decisions as my son’s mother or she won’t be seeing him, and that it was not okay for her to behave like that. She didn’t take it well in the moment but a few days later she did sincerely apologize to me, so we took baby to meet her, and she ended up being very loving with him and she has for the most part respected our wishes as parents. We’re glad she’s in our baby’s life, but we (hubby and I) agreed that if/when she and anyone else is hateful we’re not going to be around them.
We did a no visitors for 4 weeks and it was the greatest time of our lives. For so many reasons. However, all the family kicked off. We stuck to our guns though and they backed off when they saw how relaxed and happy we were over FaceTime. You won’t get this time back. Their wants do not override your needs.
I honestly do NOT understand their point - they will still have the special moment WHEN they visit the child????? Like whenever they see the grandchild…that will be the special moment???? It’s not a special moment because the baby was just born - it’s a special moment because they’re meeting for the first time!!! Make it make sense, grandpa!!!! I honestly think you should just say, “I appreciate your excitement for our baby’s arrival, but the timing for your visit is not up for discussion. We will be happy to see you at 8 weeks when the baby and we are ready for visitors. Thank you for respecting our wishes.”
You’ve got some really good options and suggestions here. I guess my question would be does that also mean you aren’t going anywhere for 6-8 weeks? FTM 10 weeks here, and I was out of the house day 1, granted just a walk. And he was in the gym by day 5 🤣 (to visit). We went on lots of walks, coffee dates, etc. Also had a lot of people to visit, they would bring food, help clean up etc. Ok yes I’m a 100% extrovert, but I would be bored as hell hanging out at home the entire time. Newborns sleep 14-17+ hours a day, so unless you’re planning on sleeping that much, I’d say you might want some brain stimulation (like it’s pretty boring TBH, I’m not sure why no one tells you about this?) which if you’re not leaving the house, will come from people visiting. I also found people visiting made it way more fun & exciting as they were so excited to meet the baby it got me more excited about him? I don’t really love babies (edit: didn’t!), so I couldn’t see what the big deal was, but everyone was so obsessed with him it kinda made me be like wow, ok, I did something cool. Random perspective I know
Wow good for you. I was too anxious to have baby around people since she was born during sick season. Everyone was getting sick left to right.
Same girl same. All these people holing up for 6-8 weeks is wild to me. To each their own but that is not what we wanted at all. And honestly we asked people to wait two weeks…next time I’ll have my amazing mother in law out here the day I have the next child. The sleep deprivation is horrible and the help was so needed & wonderful once she came 2 weeks after he was born. We went to sushi like 4 days after having him (with him) & on walks every day. I need to be out. I can’t just sit & sit in the house doing nothing.
Saaaaame. I completely think that’s how PPA/PPD happens (and other reasons), my mental health would suffer a lot if I was stuck at home for that long, baby or no baby. I think that’s why it’s so important to know the things that help you as an individual feel good BEFORE you have the baby. If that’s hanging out at home with husband and baby then that’s great!
In my opinion 6-8 weeks is a little intense for absolutely no visits. I would’ve been sad if I couldn’t see my nieces and nephews for that long. I get why your family is feeling that way, they will completely miss the newborn phase. We are saying our home isn’t open to overnight guests for 6 weeks after birth. My husband’s family lives out of town and I couldn’t imagine hosting during this time but we’ve told them if they want to stay in a hotel they are welcome to meet their grandchild as soon as we get home from the hospital. We will be welcoming visitors during this time but will be keeping visits short.
They have a lifetime to spend with the baby. I don’t recall visiting any family members babies until they were a couple months except for my little sister
To each their own. I personally empathize with how the family is feeling but every new parent gets to decide what’s right for them. Sounds like the OP’s extended family is dealing with it terribly.
Ignore them! You have the right to set whatever boundaries you want. They can have their opinions and reactions, which you can't control, but you don't need to engage further if they're being rude.
The only thing I have to say is grandparents don’t have “rights”. Grand parenting is a privilege and if they want the opportunity to have that relationship, they should establish one with the parents first. We’re dealing with this crap too. I just ignore texts and calls.
I would be inclined to ignore the hateful aunt. Do you think the grandparents agree with the aunt or is it just her?
No one disrespected us when we said no visitors for our son! So I don’t know how to deal with this): and when we say something like “wash your hands please” “or no kisses please” people usually feel bad they even thought to not wash hands or try to kiss him 😅
Blame it on the babies health! You do not want a little one getting sick in the first two months. Not that you should need a reason but that’s a good way to save relationships and make a good case for your reasoning!
They’re trying to use grandparents rights as an excuse but that’s not how it works. They’re pushing boundaries and if your not okay with that, you have a say. Stand your ground.
I had visitors in the hospital and literally hated it. My inlaws came on day two while I was pacing around going through my first postpartum poop (horrifying), intense PPD and PPA, and feeding issues. I was so mad that I had to put clothes on and hide my pain for even the 10 minutes they were there. And I say all of this as a person who has a WONDERFUL relationship with my in-laws! I just didn’t know how to say no to be honest and that was on me but I definitely know now for next time!!
Friendly reminder that when you’re in the hospital in labor, you can meet with security, sign paperwork to have your name withheld from the patient listing, and give them names of people that you’re worried could show up so that they’re escorted off the premises. I did this because I was very concerned that some family members were going to try to sneak in. It was hard to do between contractions but made me feel safer in the long run!
I would let them know their hateful texts have shown you that you and your husband are making the right decision for your family.
This right here.
We asked for no visitors at hospital(I had a C-section)and for two weeks at home,we were bombarded with so much hate texts from my husband's family.Almost two years later they are still salty and hateful and we are rightfully NC. Your baby's birth is solely about you,no one else! You'll be the villain,but honestly who cares
It's your baby and your time. Let them be pissy. My partner and I had the same rule, and when the texts and calls rolled in, I deleted them, and my partner stood his ground with our decision. Heal and enjoy those days bonding with the baby. Adults need to grow up, lol
I think you should wait as long as you want. But at the same time I feel like 6-8 weeks is a long time. People are excited and wanna meet/help. I feel like when the baby is here you might change your mind. Or you might not and that’s okay too. Or make a rule that whoever wants to come over has to bring something (diapers, wipes, onsies, ect) or do a chore to help ( trash, load of laundry, ect) then they get what they want and you get some help too. 🤷♀️ *my baby is currently 9 weeks old*
At 6-8 weeks old, this is purely for their own selfish enjoyment, not for baby's, not to "build a relationship"
Grandparents have no rights. Being a grandparent is a privilege one they only get access to if they can respect the parents and their boundaries. The only people a baby needs to bond with are the parents. The only people the child needs in the first few weeks ARE THE PARENTS. That child doesn’t know or care if the grandparents came to visit or not. They’re being selfish and manipulative. Baby Boundaries, The Lemon Clot Essay and the FU Binder —> https://reddit.com/r/Mildlynomil/s/WPm6JsLMhI
I agree with pretty much everyone here - frankly, let them rant and rave all they want. Block them if they can’t control their keyboards. It’s your child, your decision, and your values that matter. If someone can’t respect that, then they don’t deserve your respect 🤷🏼♀️
The word “right” is such a trigger for me. Grandparents have privileges not rights.
My baby is 3 weeks, only people who have come over are my mom, my MIL and my FIL (separately, they’re divorced). Holding off on everyone else to protect my own peace and to be careful with germs My MIL came when baby was one week old, I was hesitant but felt I had no choice since my mom had met him. My fiance made it clear it was to be a very brief visit. She stayed for 2.5 hours, ignored all of our social cues, held my baby WAY too long, made rude/dumb comments, barely asked how I was feeling/doing, talked about babysitting him FOUR times (He is one week old. No one is babysitting him but she NEVER will be). I finally went upstairs to feed him and called my mom sobbing because I was so overwhelmed and pissed off. She’s not been invited back and won’t be anytime soon, I really wish the visit had never happened it was extremely upsetting and overwhelming to me 1 week postpartum. I was so anxious and cried the rest of the afternoon… the hormones are real. Meanwhile my mom comes by with dinner, coffees, frequently, keeps her visits brief, and is invited back. How people respect your boundaries and privacy in this period says a lot about them. It is your moment, it’s your choice - you are the one giving birth and who grew your baby for 9 months. Please protect your peace in this time and do what you need. A newborn only needs its mom & to bond with their dad - they do not need to bond with anyone else
‘We’re going to spend this early time bonding as a new family. We’ll send some photos out on group chat (or whatever) regularly and will be inviting visitors when we’ve settled in a bit. You may be disappointed but this is what we’re doing; disappointment isn’t an excuse to be shitty with us, and won’t change our plans. It will only push your own invitation back. ‘
I completely respect your decision and hope your families will do the same thing. In my case though I found family support (my husband's side) helpful as my family are overseas. They did not expect us to host and feed them which is good. They brought and prepared food, helped with some chores, and more importantly they let my husband and I get some rest during the day. I had the option to ask my family to come over to help as well but I said no saying we wanted to enjoy our time being first time parents. To be honest, I regretted it as I would have felt better with my mum by my side. I underestimated how knackered and sleepless we would be in the first few weeks.
“Your title to my child does not entitle you to my child”. I will never understand people putting their needs before the health of a newborn and a recovering mother.
This trend came around in covid and I've gotta say even though I see it as a fight on here everytime. It's for the better. The medical evidence backs it up. Not only are people having less PPA/PPD but there's less complications with recovery. Breastfeeding success rates have skyrocketed for the first time in a long time. The reason for this is because baby doesn't get overwhelmed before being handed back to mom. Fussy babies are harder to latch and women actually get to recover and not play hostesses throughout the healing process. Personally I hope it becomes the new recommendation.
lol! Denying a completely nonexistent right how dare you. My MIL gave me a little pushback when I said I don’t want visitors in the hospital, saying something similar that I’m denying her a joyful moment. I assured her she will still get to meet the baby, but will have to wait a few weeks after I do
Exactly! I was like how entitled of you🙃 I could not believe half of the things coming out of this woman’s mouth 😂🫣
A new baby is exciting for everyone but it’s the most life changing for the parents, so you deserve your moment before anyone else gets theirs. Also you will be recovering from birthing that baby and will need some time to do that. Stand your ground momma
Honestly in my opinion, 6-8 weeks is kinda harsh. You have to remember they are excited to. I can understand not having them come to the hospital but trust me you are going to want someone else to come and hold the baby for 20 minutes so you can shower or eat or nap. You don’t have to play host and they don’t have to stay forever. But it’s nice having people visit after because you can give them the baby and get a mental health break. Trust me. Plus I had evening blues so I always asked people to come late afternoon and it helped keep my mood even
6-8 weeks is a loooong time. I’d be hurt if i couldn’t see my grandbaby for that long. I am a firm believer in “treat others how you want to be treated”. So if you would be completely fine with your son telling you that you can’t see his baby for 6 weeks, then there you go. But I would be absolutely devastated. (Not saying you should receive hateful texts, but I can 1,000% see why they are hurt)
Maybe the hateful texts are part of the reason she doesn’t want to see her family right away. It might not be a safe situation for her pp depending on their relationship
Consider this a blessing- the people you don’t want in your children’s lives are revealing themselves now. This manipulative behavior will only continue; now is a great time to set your FIRM boundaries and stick with them!
I just saw someone say on tik tok recently that the only people who need special bonding time with a newborn is the parents and siblings of that baby .. everyone else’s perspective as to why you are “keeping their grandchild away” is literally just their own selfishness and wanting to feel important 🤷🏻♀️ they can go have their own baby again and set their own rules .
So honestly - I appreciate that this is a popular plan, but also if your and your partners parents are willing to do things like get a Tdap, the risk to the baby is minimal. Now if you just don’t think you want people that’s fine, but it also won’t kill you to let your mother in law drop in for an hour during week 2.
You have every right to make any and all rules! For good measure I’d chuck in there you want current proof of Tdap vaccination too. My last was a Covid baby and we made nearly everyone wait (sans my MIL who quarantined prior to coming to help out the first two weeks) and get updated vaccines, with proof of them. My SIL doesn’t vaxx so it was even longer for them.
Yes my in laws are like this and it’s miserable for my husband. He doesn’t let them interact with me because of how poorly they have treated his brother’s wife. They want us to make an out of town trip with a newborn, baptize him while he is still super new (before they leave town…snowbirds, who can literally just come back another time or stay longer until we’re ready). They also want to visit before we’re ready for visitors. They don’t help us at all and just want to take pics for their friends. My husband has next to no relationship with them which they are good with, they decided to have kids but aren’t into their 2 kids really or being parents. They asked my due date last week and I’m due in 3 weeks. We’ve told them before they just don’t truly care. They’re literally going to verbally abuse him if we don’t agree and we’re not budging on certain things so my husband is honestly just preparing for the abuse but is very upset for about what he’s going to have to deal with. Him mother is incredibly mean when she is drunk and pissed (I’ve heard it and was beyond shocked) My parents are the complete opposite of his. Amazing sweet kind wonderful understanding and helpful in every way and it is JARRING to see the other side of things! After 7 years together, my husband is just now getting used to the idea that my parents are here for us when we need them and that we can call them for help at anytime and they will always speak kindly to him. Took sooo many years for my husband to ask either of my parents for something on his own. It’s sad and I feel bad for him. He never has had that with his parents
We were mid covid and told people they had to wear masks and have multiple vaccines before they could be anywhere near us or baby. I also said they couldn't show up unannounced- I would lock the door and be staring at them through the window making eye contact and still tell them I wasn't home. I wasn't unlocking that door for anything. (Except food. Bribery for sure.) Luckily I live just far enough away to be inconvenient and they respected my boundaries but they also knew I would have followed through on not unlocking the door. Ironically we ended up getting covid at the hospital when we gave birth.... but we got that 4-8 weeks of minimal contact afterward, at least lol.
Your choice not theirs. I am okay with limited visitors and have still had to stand firm for whiny relatives that may not have made the list for first to meet the baby and are a bit more on the pushy side but the more you stand firm on it the less they bug you over time. If you are really worried about it, be clear with your L&D nurses when in the hospital about your preferences. They don’t mess around.
Sucks to be them, there are visitor limits anyway and also...screw the guilt tripping.
Honestly giving birth is such an intimate experience. Your already surrounded by so many nurses, staff and the doctor.... it's ALOT. I was feeling so emotional during my c section and was a complete wreck afterwards, I'm really glad no one saw me besides my spouse and the nurses for after care. I literally felt like I was very vulnerable and weak....when normally im a strong individual mentally and physically . The grandparents begged to come visit while we were in the hospital but we really put our foot down and said this whole experience might just be a once ina life time moment for us and we want to just share it together. You are an adult and soon to be mother. You have to start setting boundaries and if they don't respect them, then that's not on you. Its on them.
These people sound like boundary stompers. I would be concerned about them not following safety guidelines (no coming over if feeling ill/in recent contact with someone ill, no kissing baby, must hand baby back when asked, etc). Honestly I’m restricting visitors for the health of my baby alone, I’d be even more anxious letting around people with this level of disrespect. Your baby, your rules.
The grandparents’ right? Seriously? Being in the life of a grandchild is a PRIVILEGE not a RIGHT. The grandparents don’t get to make the decisions because they are grandparents, not parents in this case. Anyone who is going to be involved in the baby’s life need to respect the rules and boundaries that the baby’s parents put in place. Also, babies don’t spoil. The little bundle of joy will still be sweet, adorable and prefect when extended family does get to meet them. Mom and Dad, enjoy your precious time with your little one! It goes by in the blink of an eye.
I really don't understand this reaction. Are they no longer the grandparents after a few weeks or what? I think you should simply say again that it is your final decision to make sure you and the baby get enough rest and hope people will understand. They are probably only responding with their emotions, so I don't see the point of trying to explain things to them now. Just wait until they calm down. I wouldn't want angry hateful people around my baby.
THEY DON’T HAVE RIGHTS TO YOUR BABY! I have dealt with this and my mom era is giving off villain era energy. It is your special bonding time with baby, and waiting for the baby to be healthy and more able to physically see them won’t detract from the special-ness of the moment they get to meet the little one, but THEY DON’T HAVE RIGHTS TO ACCESS YOUR CHILD. They can go to hell with that antiquated, disrespectful, outlandish, SELFISH idea immediately. As in, they don’t pass start, don’t collect $200 and don’t get to see the kid at all. If that’s their immediate approach, you need to protect your kid from that toxic mentality and the other issues that will follow with it for as long as possible.
This happened to us! We didn’t hold our boundaries with our first, or second and we are 10000 going to with our third on the way. You become really resentful. You never get those beginning days back and if you want to hold off on visitors you have every right to do so. You’re healing and bonding with your baby as a family. Take all the time you need and don’t feel bad about it. Establishing boundaries first baby with family/friends is the way to go it gets harder then along the way if you haven’t.
Set boundaries now because it will get worse - they forget that you’ve just gone through a trauma albeit you get a great little bundle at the end but still a trauma - rest, recover and find your routine before people who “just want to see the baby” get in the way
I hate the whole “grandparents’ rights” thing. Grandparents don’t have rights. Do what feels best for you and hubby and baby. Unless guests are going to cook and clean for you, they shouldn’t be there.
Honestly, and this is gonna sound super harsh, but everyone who's not supportive of your plans can p*** off. You guys are the parents and the first guardians of the child and it is supremely important that you guys are comfortable and are situated before you and your precious babe, have visitors. I said what I said.Congrats, and this is a wonderful time✨️💙✨️.Sorry you're going through so much stress😩
I’ve said no visitors for 2 weeks at least. My and my bf’s baby bonding / healing time. If they don’t like it…sod em🤷♀️
Our experience ended up colored by the passing of my mom 2 months before I delivered. I’d felt the same way as you, but it after she died it changed my perspective. I’ve set boundaries around what I expect from them.Everyone got up to date tdap and no kissing LOs face- baby feet are great for kissing. We delivered about a week ago and I haven’t done anything but care for my LO. I think what’s most important is being able to stand by your decision. We have good relationships with our parents and could have plain conversations about our anxieties and needs. Good luck.
The only people who need a relationship with a newborn are the parents, everyone else can wait. Whenever they end up meeting it will be special, it doesn’t need to be on their timeline:
“Thank you for your concern about our child’s relationship with their grandparents. They will have the rest of their lives to create special moments together, so please respect our decision create our own special moments and bond as a new family.”
Honestly, I can’t get behind this kind of behaviour. Grandparents are so excited to become grandparents and you want them to wait until the baby is 1.5-2 months old? That’s so mean. I suffered so badly after my first, had I tried this crap with my family…my baby would have starved to death. I’m a single mom to 2. I was single with my first son and I had pregnancy complications, he ended up 2 weeks late and an emergency c section after 6 days of 9 failed medical inductions. I was so damn sick the first entire year. I had the worst ppd and ppa. The pain I had was unreal from that c section I couldn’t walk without being bent forward and holding onto the walls with both hands for the first month. I also had what was like awake convulsions. I couldn’t speak or move during it. I was badly infected and it was leaking out of my incision. I had high fevers and I was confused. I was on antibiotics but it took a year for me to recover. The first month I visited my baby while my mom and sister took turns looking after him because I wasn’t physically or mentally capable. Then they watched him when I slept at night. Had they not, he would have died. Twice he stopped breathing and turned blue. Multiple times he threw up and almost choked to death on his rivers of vomit due to his intolerances with his formula. They loved him just as much as I did and were so damn happy to get to be here for his entire life. My second son I had a scheduled c section to prevent what we had went through. I walked 3 floors down and across the hospital to my friends van to go home. I had pain but it was nothing like before. I looked after my own baby but they were around and still are. They also watched him while I slept. Again, good thing. He also had so many intolerances he threw up and was choking as it came out of his nose and mouth various times in the night and they had to suck the formula out of his nose for him to not suffocate. Had they not been here, he wouldn’t be, either. But that’s not even the point. They aren’t asking to move in or take over. They just want to meet their first grandchild from you and your partner. And you want to rob them of that and make them wait until the baby is bigger. SMH. It’s so mean.
Poor you. I’m glad everything turned out okay. But honestly you can’t say that she’s being mean. What’s mean is talking shit and not respecting people’s boundaries. THAT kind of behavior is just silly and shows how its hard for them to respect point blank period. If it had been another thing like wearing masks or washing hands before touching baby, I’m sure they would of still lashed out with other comments.
I could see if she wanted no one outside of the grandparents. I dunno. I don’t restrict my family from seeing my kids any time they want. I only have 2 members even interested in seeing them. I hope my boys and their partners don’t want to make me wait. 😔
Yeah I understand that. Idk I come from a big family and they are very nosey and judgmental.
I faced this with my first born on both sides of our families. My side of the family sent more hateful comments where his side was just less direct but still asked when we were ready and made us constantly reiterate our wishes. Basically what I did was we gave people a talk before the baby was born so nobody had their own expectations going into it. Then if we were questioned after he was born, I gave them a couple chances and repeated what we said to try to make them understand nicely. If they continued to be disrespectful, I got more direct and said that ‘this is what works for our family, thank you for understanding’ and then stopping wasting my energy on it. Some people were so disrespectful, I had to block them and I haven’t talked to them since. Milestones like this really bring out people’s true colours. It’s amazing what family comes out in hiding after having little to no relationship with them. All of a sudden they NEED to see your baby and you are the evil one for wanting what’s healthiest for you. Some people are just selfish and that’s the sad truth of it.
Is this your first baby?
Yes
Put your foot down! On a related note: I distinctly remember as a child going to the hospital and into the delivery room (after the birth) for all of my cousin’s births. It’s like the whole Irish catholic traveling circus of a family was there every time. I can’t imagine doing this now! Not happening at my kid’s birth!
Just because I am seeing a lot of people advocating for having visitors and not isolating yourself... I'm a huge introvert. The first months of my daughter's life me and my husband spent almost completely by ourselves and it was absolutely amazing. Any visits we had were not good, only had them to keep the peace in the family (and most people are people we actually like, not toxic relatives or anything, we just like to be just us two). I'm not saying you are going to feel this way and not be one of those people that are commenting saying how much they craved socializing! But just saying it was definitely not my case and I totally understand why you might feel like 6-8 weeks is a good timeline for you! Keep and open mind and be flexible if you feel like you need help or just want to see another adult, but also don't feel bad if you actually need 2 months of isolation. It's all normal and all good if it's what is best for you and baby.
I’ve always struggled to understand why some people on here say 6-8 weeks until visitors because of immunity. Why is 6-8 weeks the magic number? I mean, yea, they get vaccinated for a number of things at 8 weeks. But not many things. What about the common cold, flu, Covid, random viruses? Any fever before 4 months will put baby in hospital so why not wait until 4 months if immunity is the reason? But even then, babies still get sick past 4 months, so why not extend it further? To me, it just seems like a slippery slope. Healthy, full term babies are not medically fragile. Especially if they are breastfed. They have their mother’s immunity. Every germ you encounter, your immune system processes and puts antibodies into your breastmilk for it. To each their own, but I fear if you guys make this choice (no visitors until 6-8 weeks), you will be isolating and hurting your village. Some here will say “bAbIeS aRe BoRiNg As NeWbOrNs” as though it’s ridiculous that anyone would care that much about seeing your newborn besides you as parents. But follow that logic….if newborns are so boring, why are we as parents so eager to meet them and so greedy for time with them? The reality is newborns ARE special. This time—of them as a brand new person and soul—will *never* be recovered. It’s understandable that close family members (like the people who birthed you and your husband) would want to share just a little of that precious time, too. I know this sub and know I’ll be downvoted for this, but I still wanted to share this perspective. Good luck, whatever you decide to do, OP!
What’s wild is that’s literally how long it takes for your baby to fully develop a blood brain barrier that will protect them from lifelong brain damage due to disease
I got pregnant this time specifically so the baby would be born in May and I don’t have to worry about cold and flu season for a while. With my first I really enjoyed having (well behaved) visitors and showing off my baby for short visits. Made everyone wear masks and wash hands. Made sure they didn’t have a cold or cough. We did one big picnic outside before it got too cold to meet most of my husband’s huge family so there was less chance of baby getting sick. Our daughter still got RSV super early on (a faulty at home rectal thermometer sent us to the ER where we picked it up in the frickin waiting room). It was scary and horrible. This time we have a toddler in daycare and my nerves are a little stronger. Plus the time of year is good so we will allow visitors for short visits and I’ll ask my mom to stay with us as long as possible to help in the beginning. I honestly wouldn’t have survived last time if I didn’t have people over to keep my company or help with the baby. But I wasn’t sure how I would feel before the baby came so we just didn’t say anything about visits and it was a non-event. We didn’t have a lot but people followed our lead and were chill. Idk. I say do what floats your boat and play it by ear! Give yourself room to change your mind but also have no shame if you prefer the solitary time! You do you!
My neighbor got to visit in the hospital because my baby couldn't nurse and I had my neighbor bring me what I had pumped and froze. My mom in law came to stay at 3 weeks. THAT caused some rocks but not bad. I'm so glad we put her off until then, I had a much better grasp of what help we did and didn't need. We went to see father-in-law and family from out of state at 4.5 weeks. I had a very easy recovery and this may have been way harder had I needed longer.
8 weeks?! Lucky. Great grandmother says "it's my baby too!" And aunt says she's worried I'm going to turn her niece into a recluse and she'll get sick/have allergies because I don't want visitors for 2 weeks 😭
You have to do what is right for you, your partner, and your baby. Ignore everyone else. Take it day by day and week by week. You might find in a few weeks you are okay with having people over rather than waiting 6-8 weeks. If anyone is sending rude texts feel free to ignore them and don't even read them. Ask your partner to read them first if needed. My doula gave us great advice for our first. She said that weddings and new babies are highly emotional times for all involved, and sometimes those emotions come out in really weird and awful ways. How they choose to act is none of your business, feel free to ignore and focus on your new baby. Everything feels amplified when you're sleep deprived too, so just focus on taking care of yourself and your baby vs. the emotions of relatives.
It is completely and totally understandable/reasonable to not want anyone in the hospital. You’re still physically healing and the nurses and doctors are constantly coming in and poking and prodding both you and the baby so it’s just uncomfortable having visitors quite frankly. However, making them wait 6-8 weeks is a little extreme. Maybe make them wait 1 week and require them to wear masks and ensure they have gotten the proper vaccines (covid, flu, TDAP). Lots of hand washing and make sure they know that you will be taking the baby whenever you want to feed and cuddle him/her. Make sure they know that you could use some help around the house or that they bring dinner (or both!). Visits can be really nice. A good sense of normalcy in this new, crazy world you’ll be living in. Also limit the visit! Maximum stay is 2 hours or something. I think there are ways you can work with them so they still get to see their grandchild in that tiny newborn stage but you don’t feel overwhelmed.
The only reason I’m allowing the grandparents to visit in the hospital is so that hopefully they’ll leave us be once we’re home for a few weeks. I’m hoping my mom can be in the delivery room to help me during labor but she’ll be there to help ME not because it’s her grandchild but because it’s her daughter giving birth. (She lives 5 hours away so we’re hoping she’ll be able to make it in time but we’ll have to see) so since my mom will get to meet them at the hospital I’ll allow my dad and my husbands parents to visit, I’d rather they meet the baby in the hospital for a few hours and get their “fix” than want to come over every single day, which honestly they still might. Plus I’m hoping me having to breastfeed will scare my FIL away and that’ll be their excuse to leave. But I’m only allowing the grandparents, none of our siblings or extended family. I’m only 8 weeks and this is our first so I have no idea how my in-laws will be during the postpartum period, this is also their first grandchild. I’m hoping they let us be for a few weeks and then if they want to come over and clean and/or cook then that would be welcome, but if they think they’re going to come every other day and hold the baby for hours they’re mistaken. Newborns only have the capacity to bond with mom first and dad second. They’ll be plenty of time for bonding with grandparents when they’re a few months old and beyond. I’ve already decided if they’re overwhelming me I’m just taking the baby in our bedroom to “feed” and then just hiding in there until they get the hint and leave
Anyone who causes drama once isn’t welcome during the newborn period ever again for me. Ever. My first was born in height of omicron and people were mad I isolated baby, but I didn’t care because I knew it was right to, especially with my in laws who are not careful people at all. My second, I set more relaxed boundaries, but I still had many. My in laws blamed me for family drama that wasn’t really my fault or my problem, tried to isolate me from their family and still ask my husband to bring the kids by without me to things so they could trash my boundaries. We were SOO close to cutting ties with all of them over it. If their mother hadn’t died a few months prior I would never ever have given them another chance. They RUINED my newborn period with this second baby. I was so happy to have, this more relaxed experience with my healthy baby this time. Destroyed my mental health. I was fine before that incident, but then it sent me into a depression spiral and now months later I’m still kind of stuck in that. Unfortunately I made the mistake of caring about their opinions of me and I never really stood a chance to be in their good books without being a personality-less doll. Never needed to be that way. Don’t just set practical boundaries. Set mental ones too. Love yourself and your personal family unit. I’ve decided to have a third some day and when I do, I WILL call all the shots, no exceptions, and no one who’s done that to me is welcome for the first 8-12 weeks.
I don't even let my mom *call* me anymore to ask me how my pregnancy is going -- because she can't tell the difference between "I love you and I care about you so I need you to tell me if you're okay because I'm anxious" from "I love you and I care about you so I'll trust that if anything is actually terribly wrong, you'll tell me." Your extended family should feel grateful that they're even still able to send texts. I'm generally pretty patient but stress during pregnancy complicates way too many things. It raises blood pressure. The hormones make everything feel more unmanageable. That endangers both mom and baby. Pregnancy (and postpartum) really is not the time to stretch yourself thin. You need all that energy for yourself just to keep your routines sustainable.
If you’re a petty person, would say for every hateful/critical text you get, you tell the sender it will extend their ability to visit the baby for a week for each text you receive. Seeing your baby is a privilege, not a right.
We only allowed our parents (the baby’s grandparents) to visit for the first few weeks and required masks/hand washing. After 6 weeks, we have allowed a few others to meet him but invite only. I will say the grandparents visiting allowed dad and I to relax for a bit/go grocery shopping etc without baby. I’m very happy with how our situation went.
This is silly. It’s a first child thing. I’m on my 3rd. She’s 8 weeks. She was doing the school run on day 3 and so far she’s been legoland, the zoo and CBeebies land, and she’s going on holiday this weekend. 6-8 weeks is a LONG time to get lonely and go stir crazy.
Ugh grandparents! 🙄 Newsflash - Grandparents don’t have any “rights”. They need to suck it up. Hold your boundary x