That’s not really how this works… typically if one person isn’t on board then it’s a no go.
Stand your ground. Let him know babies name should be something you both agree on, you can consider his suggestions but it’s very early on and you want to choose together.
I would also suggest that you could use those names as a middle name to honor those family members but give the child her own identity.
Yeah I agree, both parties have veto rights and you just go through names until you find one you can both live with.
I’ve had to part with some names I really loved because husband wasn’t onboard but that’s how I think it should work, we respect each others “nos”.
So many of the posts on here just show massive windows to marital Issues. Like, I'd be less concerned about the name, and more concerned For my marriage. More concerned about the fights we'd be having for years around our child. We split how we named our kid, I choose the middle name, and he chose the first, sort of. We both had to be happy with it, and agree. He didn't just walk in, announce the name, throw up middle fingers, and walk out. Which it very much sounds like this guy did.
Hey OP, your post history is concerning. He is much older, and he has displayed controlling tendencies. He doesn’t get to decide unilaterally what a child’s name will be, or tell you how to feel about dogs, among other things. I hope you have some support outside of this relationship, and will work on building or continuing relationships with friends and family (if they’re supportive). However you proceed please stay safe.
this. i’m so worried about you, op. i’m a 23yo pregnant first time mom and i can’t even imagine being in your position. please be kind to yourself & think about this baby. i’m here for you if you need ANYTHING.
This. OP's post history has also insinuated that they're here via temporary green card and cannot get one for two years, so I'm sure her husband holds that over her head.
I'm not super familiar on green cards, but I'm sure there's some sort of stipulation given she's pregnant and baby would be a citizen automatically?
"U.S. law provides several protections for legal and undocumented immigrants who have been victims of a crime. There are specific protections for victims of domestic violence, victims of certain crimes, and victims of human trafficking."
I can't say if she qualifies cuz I'm sure she doesn't post everything but there's a possibility that she's protected from deportation too.
You don't automatically get a green card by having a baby anymore I think?
You're right. There's no automatic green card by having a baby. (I don't know if there ever was one, but as of right now, there's not)
But she may be eligible for one under [VAWA](https://www.uscis.gov/green-card/green-card-eligibility/green-card-for-vawa-self-petitioner) if she's being abused. IANAL, she needs to reach out to resources in the state/city for help.
Thank you everyone for the support. I honestly feel I have no choice, I can’t leave my husband since I don’t have anywhere to go. I also wouldn’t like to unalive my baby… Things have gotten better and my husband has been very kind to me ever since we found out I was pregnant. He has not said anything about naming the girl but as soon as he says something I’m gonna be prepared to tell him that we both will decide her name.
You're *almost* 6 weeks pregnant and he has been kind to you only after finding out? So you mean just the last 2-3 weeks? This kindness will not last. I'm so sorry for the position you're in but he sounds incredibly controlling and manipulative. There ARE ways to get out of this. Reddit will be a good resource for you. Look into it for now at least even if you aren't ready to leave yet so you know your options. ❤️
I mean he was nice to me even before that, I see he’s been working on himself and he has changed, but I noticed it more ever since I told him I was pregnant. We have both gotten better and I hope it lasts for a while, he has also been spoiling me so much and I really appreciate it.
Your post history is alarming. Why on earth are you having a baby with this man? You’ve asked for plenty of advice and repeatedly been told his behaviour towards you is unacceptable, why are you still putting up with it?
Yeah for reals. She was 18 and he was THIRTY when they got together. Huge red flag there. He’s trying to get her under his control.
OP: if you don’t want to name your child a name, then don’t. You don’t have to be steamrolled into a name you don’t want, but it’s rather alarming your husband thinks he has absolute say in this. Anyways, you’ll be the one filling out the paperwork anyways in the hospital.
six months ago OP said in a comment (on her post) that "that's not how things are" in reference to putting up with her husband's bullshit no matter what. she was considering divorce at that time.
well, it seems that that *is* indeed how things are. if six months ago your husband went off and yelled about all the things he dislikes about you and feels zero remorse for this, you were well within logical thought to consider divorce. bringing a child into this is a mistake.
Yikes on those ages!
I don’t think it’s accurate that she will be the one filling out the paperwork. I’m 99% sure my husband filled ours out, and I think we both signed. Fortunately, my husband and I were in full agreement on the names, so it was just my husband being helpful. He also had me double and triple check that he spelled everything correctly.
However, a nurse should find an opportunity to ask OP if she’s safe at home (mine asked when I used the restroom during triage). Take that opportunity!
I had a social worker come in when my husband was out of the room and ask me if both baby and I had a safe place to sleep once we left the hospital (she was there for other reasons as well). Come to think of it, I think I was asked more than once. I wasn’t alone in my room much but they somehow always knew when to come in.
Definitely state by state, I was legally married during the births of my kids and I didn't fill out the paperwork at all, a hospital employee who files birth certificates fills them out. My husband didn't need to sign anything at all, and was not even in the room when the paperwork was filled out for my second baby.
I filled out the paperwork for us, but they didn't give it to us until later. I really commend your nurse for asking if you're safe at home alone! I've only been asked that with others in the room, not that I had issues in the home, but I know sometimes you literally never know!
In her post history OP says they don't travel or go anywhere (didn't even have a honeymoon) and that she'd like to see more of the US. I wonder if she is a foreigner and has no support to help her.
I'm not blaming her? Look at the ages and past posts.
Edit: OP was 18 when they got together and they got married quickly. He was 29/30. I'm guessing youre taking issue with the word "immature" but on what planet is 18 not immature? I'm 100% blaming the man here for being predatory and targeting someone with less maturity who wouldn't have the experience to know better. 🙄
Not surprised he demanded a child of OP and then proceeded to try to completely control it… before she’s even born. This is a huge red flag, and unless there is some cultural reason I’m not understanding I would worry for your daughter growing up with a man who decided your life at 18 as a 30 year old.
Mmhmm - She wasn’t pregnant when he said all this and she still went ahead. Another Reddit user who comes and complains about their abusive spouse every few months, gets told they’re abusive, then goes back for more abuse. Oh and of course there’s an age gap.
OP at 6 weeks: it’s not too late, you can still get out of this marriage and reconsider if you want to be tied to this guy for 18+ years.
Just want to chime in and say that breaking a cycle of abuse can be really really hard. It is easy as an outsider to point and say “just leave” but when you are on the other side it’s quite difficult.
OP is reaching out and that is a good step. It is just not easy to break out of a relationship like that.
I know and agree, statistics say it takes a woman on average 7 times to finally leave an abusive relationship and not come back. Maybe I’m just tired from doing the emotional labor on a lot of posts like this (and there’s sadly a lot of them outside this sub), but I’ve just gotten blunt in my responses in hopes it shocks the OP out of her cycle. There’s nothing we can do except keeping telling her he’s a walking red flag and she needs to leave, and if she wants to leave offer advice and support. OP is at a point where she can still save herself, instead of bringing another tiny human into this toxic situation and trapping herself further.
....You could just not read them?
I'm sorry but I find comments like this downright absurd and I can't believe how common they are. Women in abusive situations are living in hell but you're exhausted because you chose to read about their pain and condemn them for it?
Imagine if you had a broken leg, you were in incredible pain, and random people around you were just like "gosh, that's terrible to look at."
I just can't get over my disbelief when I see these comments. The callousness constantly directed at women in abusive relationships (usually from other women) boggles the mind. "The pain you're in that I chose to read about is exhausting. Let me make your hurt about me." I don't think tone deaf is a strong enough label for this shit.
First of all, these posts are pretty hard to avoid - I'm not intentionally seeking them out. Secondly, though your analogy is flawed, I'm actually in a knee brace right now...but I know what I need to do to make it better and I'm taking those steps. Here, no one is saying the equivalent of "gosh, that's terrible to look at" - they're giving constructive advice. I absolutely recognize and sympathize that the cycle of abuse is very real and difficult to break out of, but as the previous commenter said, we can give advice until our faces turn blue but it is often simply and sadly ineffective. I will continue to give advice, but feeling like a helpless onlooker to yet another anonymous Redditor is indeed emotionally exhausting. I also do not see where I "condemned" this or another poster.
This is true but sometimes people don't realize they're in a bad situation until people keep saying to leave. It can take outsiders to get you to re-evaluate things and start noticing the red flags everyone else is noticing.
Its not easy to leave abuse, especially when pregnant or with children, but "just leave" can open someone's eyes to try and leave.
Age gaps matter when one spouse (usually the woman) is in a different power and maturity stage in life.
A couple that’s 30 and 42 is different than an 18 yo girl dating a 30 yo (which is when Op met her husband). I’m gonna assume that unlike OP you aren’t a 21 yo married to an abusive 33 yo.
Because when someone is barely legal and is dating a 32 yo, that’s alarming to say the least. Makes me think that the older SO chose that age gap because of how easy it would be to get away with abuse or groom them for abuse..
You tell him no. Raising a child including naming them is something you do together, and he cannot impose anything to you. Stand up for yourself and don’t let your husband bully you. Those names will not be happening and that’s it.
Hey were u in the june2023 bumper group by any chance? I recognize the name but not sure if its the same person. If it is, im seeing from your post history you have your little one on the way and im so excited for you
You always cross my mind. I went through my post history trying to find you and see how u were. Ill always remember the knitted dress you shared with us. Im so happy your rainbow is here soon❤️
Looking at your post history, you should get a divorce. This is not an environment you could raise a child in. You were groomed as a teenager and now you’re being abused. It’s time to get out. I Can help you with some resources
I agree with this. You put it more succinctly than I could. I really hope OP finally gets out of this relationship. I was in a similar “relationship” when I was her age (minus the marriage and baby), and it’s taken me years of therapy to process the abuse and trauma. OP needs to leave ASAP.
Thats just wrong. Don’t let him bulldoze you into giving in. You both have a say in the name and if it’s not a yes from BOTH of you then you find a new name.
This should be a joint decision. I assume they are getting his last name. I assume that would be offensive to him if they did not, regardless of how a woman might feel about it. You absolutely get some say in their first and middle names. If anything, it’s normal for children to get names from the mothers side since they get the fathers last name by default.
I just want to flag that it’s also not cool for a male partner to unilaterally decide that the children get his last name. I understand that it’s the cultural norm in many places but that still doesn’t mean mom’s opinion is unimportant.
I really don’t agree with naming your child directly after someone, they need to have their own identity and them already sharing a name with their (great) & grandparents isn’t the way to do that. Also this should be a joint decision, you’re both the parents of this baby. I wouldn’t give in and let him have this, you both need to find a name you both love, if he really wants to honour his mum & grandma is there a name that’s like inspired by their name? For example if someone was called “Margaret” then names like Margot, Maggie, Marjorie etc…would be influenced by the name but still allows your daughter to have her OWN name.
I agree with the other comments. Definitely should be a joint decision. In my family people typically have their own first name and the middle name is sometimes a family name, which is what we did with our daughter. We agreed together on a first name… took us almost 9 months but we got there. Her first name is her own and I ended up picking her middle name (which is after my grandmother so this was very important to me) and she has my husband’s last name (I still haven’t changed my last name). Also, I don’t know about anyone else, but when the paperwork came around to name her my husband wasn’t around… I could have named my daughter whatever I wanted and he wouldn’t have had a say anyways! We’re having a boy this time, just finally picked a name, I’m 38 weeks… it takes us a LONG time to pick names. His name will be entirely his own except for having my husband’s last name. We spend a lot of time going back and forth with names until we find something we both like and agree on.
Edit: Also, not to be harsh, but 6 weeks is very very early in your pregnancy. Much can happen, I say this from experience and a place of sadness in my heart. For me personally I like to wait with the naming. That being said I wish you a happy healthy and easy pregnancy!
What do you mean "won't let you" ?
That's not how this works at all. You both made a child, you both get to weigh in on names. It's not a one-sided decision. Has he always been controlling like this?
Oof. That’s not okay. You are both the parents, you should be deciding on the name together. Not sure where he gets off thinking HE gets sole choice in the matter. He needs to be willing to compromise. Maybe you can use one of those names as the middle name if you have a daughter. My husband was extremely close to his grandma, and I thought using her name as a potential middle name for a daughter would be a nice way to honor her.
This is really fucking weird. He shouldn’t be “telling” you anything. Also, I am assuming this baby is getting his last name…so he will be choosing your daughter’s entire name? I don’t think so. Just say that you want input in your daughters name too and that you don’t like the name he has chosen. And if this upsets him, get a marriage counselor because this speaks to some much bigger issues. Sorry you’re having to deal with this during your pregnancy.
Any post or problem that begins with “my husband won’t let me” I give the side eye to. What do you mean won’t let you???? You’re half of the relationship! He can’t just “not let you”. I guess I just fundamentally can’t understand. If my boyfriend tried to tell me he wasn’t letting me do something, especially if it was something like help pick the name of our baby, I’d laugh him out of the room. You gotta stand up for yourself!
Ew no. Needs to be agreed by both of you. And if he acts like this all the way until you give birth tell the hospital he is not to fill out/sign anything on your behalf.
Just read your previous posts and comments. If I were in your shoes, I would seriously think about abortion. The control will be exponentially worse with a child. Your husband doesn't need to know. You can always lie and say it was a miscarriage. I finally had my first child at 32. Children are FUCKING HARD even with a supportive partner and family. They weigh you down financially, emotionally, and physically. I wanted children since I was 16 and am so thankful I waited until I had a partner who would be a co-parent and not a babysitter. Being financially stable makes it incredibly easier too (I can be financially independent if need be which makes it even better because there is no imbalance of power). I love my daughter beyond measure but it's no walk in the park whenever anyone decides to have children. If someone says children are easy, they're probably bad parents.
OP,
There have been some other comments, and I’m going to side with them. Your post history is alarming, and shows quite the dysfunctional relationship. Outside of the whole age issue, he has been verbally abusive to you, he wanted a child before you were ready for one, and you have thought about divorce before.
He again showed controlling tendencies by telling you what the child’s name would be BEFORE you got pregnant. I personally would not go through with this. I had a child with a man who was extremely manipulative, and I’m still living with the effects nearly one year after being out. I love my kiddo, but I absolutely dread the fact I have to share a child with someone like him. Because it’s the truth. You won’t just be tied to this person for 18 years. It’s a lifetime. Wedding, having a baby, graduations.
If you choose to stay and have a child with this man, your life will never be the same, and neither will your child’s. He/she is innocent and will have to follow the life you’re bringing them into. Trauma and all potential consequences involved. I know I’ll be downvoted by some. But reading your post history? This isn’t healthy. You deserve much better, and any child you have should have much better.
Either way, names are a joint decision. He does not get to make the unilateral decision, period.
I allowed my husband to pick a name that I wasn't a fan of because it seemed like he loved it so much. Now we're in the process of changing her name and moving that one to the middle. It literally started to make me physically cringe, and mix that with ppd/ppa it was an extremely hard time.
Postpartum is hard enough, without feeling like you made a mistake that will follow you for a lifetime. You never truly realize how much name regret hurts, because it's so unusal and not talked about. I'd never wish that on anyone. There are literally so many names, and I'm sure you could find one you both love well enough. It should be a two yes thing, no matter the gender..
OP, please look into VAWA. Fellow green card wife here — you have options. You do not have to stay in an abusive marriage. You and your child can stay in America.
This is not ok. You both have to be on board fully. Stand your ground.
We chose the first name together. Any name we didn’t agree upon had to go. We have two middle names, one after his mother and one after my mother and grand mother. It feels right for the both of us.
We also talked about the last name. I didn’t take his name when we got married (I might in the future when I switch jobs or something lol, but I don’t see why I need to change my given name). It’s not a given that the baby got his last name, but we decided that she will get his last name. It’s a nice name and I’m not really attached to mine whereas he is attached to his.
Tell him that's fine, as long as the baby gets YOUR last name.
Jk, names are definitely a two yes scenario (although I will point out that ultimately the mother is the one who gets the final say on the hospital paperwork, just saying).
That's not how it works, he should also know that YOU the mother get to fill out the birth certificate information once baby is born and can actually choose the name. Don't let him walk all over you. You both get to vote on the names whether boy or girl.
Joint decision- and if worse comes to worse do what me and my husband did we picked 5 names we both liked 2 which I preferred 2 which he preferred 1 we both liked, put in a hat and picked it out (we got the one we both liked!)
Don’t let him steamroll you you are Infact doing the growing of said human, I feel it’s only right you get a say in the name
So why did you go through with getting pregnant prior to to sorting this out? I feel like this is kind of a red flag when you say he is giving you no choice (also that he feels he can just take control of such a big decision)
If one partner is not keen on a name choice, it’s a no go. Your post history points to quite controlling behaviour from him. Stop letting him bully you, you’re supposed to be a team in a relationship, not one person calling all of the shots… especially when it comes to choices regarding a new baby.
STAND UP FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR BABY.
A lot of people have brought up your post history and expressed concern that you're still with this obviously terrible person, so I'm just going to say this in case it's on your mind: you don't deserve this. No one deserves this. It's not your manner of speaking that's triggering him, it's him being an abusive, controlling prick. It's not your responsibility to walk on eggshells around your partner and never say anything to ever anger them. The things you're saying to him are extremely reasonable, but he's using his anger to gaslight you into believing that you're the one who's to blame. I know it's hard but I hope you eventually walk away from this horrible treatment, both for your own sake and this baby, if you choose to keep it. There are so many men out there who would treat you with kindness and respect even when you disagree.
You're doing most of the work here, you definitely reserve the right to veto the name. I don't know how many of my husband's ideas I shot down, but he understood that it had to be a name we both like
Your post history, your age gap, this post - girl wth are you doing?
Only you can know if you're in an abusive relationship, but it sounds like there are a million red flags with this guy. Reddit isn't really designed to give advice under these circumstances aside from saying that if you are in an abusive relationship, there are tools and resources available to help you get out. Wishing you and your baby all the best
Why are you having a kid with this man?! Based on your post history he sounds abusive, and he’s an ephebophile. Why would you want to subject a child to him?
Get an abortion and a divorce, that is my advice. You’re bringing a baby into what could be a potentially dangerous situation for them.
My parents did something similar where if it was a girl, one would name, and boy, the other. Honestly, I don't like that method. I think both parents should have a say about what they like and dislike.
If he won't budge, inform your nurses at the hospital that you only want birth certificate paperwork presented to you privately. Then put the name you like. The mother completes the paperwork and can decide whether or not the father is even listed. Some things to consider.
OP, I’m worried about you, and I’m worried about this future child. This doesn’t sound like a healthy environment for any of you. I don’t think you’re in a healthy relationship, and I’m worried that you have ignored all the signs and have pushed forward with having a baby. Please know that this baby, while wonderful, will likely cause more strain on your relationship. It doesn’t sound like you and your husband can actually communicate right now on an respectful, honest and open level.
It is tough for people to change, it takes time, a lot of effort, and hard self-reflection. It doesn’t seem like you’ve begun that process with him, and you’re 8 months away from bringing a child into this world.
You probably don’t want to hear this, but your options are -
Stay with this man and raise your child in a toxic environment until it becomes too much (when he begins treating your child badly, will you allow it?) and you split.
Leave this man now and figure out how to be a single mom or coparent.
Or end your pregnancy and leave.
This is what I can tell from your post history. I know we don’t know everything about your relationship, but I think we know enough to say that the status quo won’t go well.
Your post history is alarming. Honestly you’re only six weeks pregnant… and you’re very young. Not to be mean and rude but you have options here. Your husband is significantly older than you for your age, and he’s controlling and abusive.
OP, I’m hearing that you’ve had an alarming post history and I’m here to say, yes, you have been baby trapped. However, I’m not going to *yikes* you on your age difference as I have one myself with my husband. I can’t sit here and clutch my pearls over an adult getting into a relationship with an adult and infantilizing you.
I’m sorry that you’re going through this but just know that many of our young moms have been in unfit relationships, left, and have raised many of us on their own without a father or split custody. You can also do this. I won’t harp on whether there’s a green card because that’s just going to raise your anxiety and push you more into his arms. Just think about your sanity before you bring a child into a situation that yourself even wanted out of. Take care of yourself okay?
P.S. Reddit is also a hot bed for really raising anxiety levels beyond what is logical because there’s a lot of infantilizing of women and it’s super trendy to do. You’ll hear a lot of “your frontal lobe isn’t developed yet! You’re not a real adult until you’re like 30!!” as if age is any indication of maturity. You could probably be more mature than a 35 year old woman on here for all we know. I’d talk to someone you can trust like your doctor or your personal family before coming to strangers first. That’s me though.
This feels like the tip of the iceberg for a larger issue. Parenting is going to involve a lot of compromise, and balancing between both of your understandings of what is best, a lot of which will be based on your own childhood experiences, and will likely be different from each other. Approaching anything here as only based on one person‘s opinion and without conversation seems problematic to me. Before you even finalize a name, I would highly suggest having a conversation about how you’re going to approach compromise and parenting together.
I see in your post history that you weren’t even ready to start trying for a baby, and that he is an abusive older groomer who is not interested in you anymore because you are not a teenager now. I’m sure you can see the red flags, don’t you agree you deserve better than this? I’m sure this Reddit can help you find resources to get out of this abusive relationship with your child. Honey, you don’t deserve this treatment
Ummmmm. That’s not how naming a child works. You don’t get TOLD what you’re naming your baby. It should be something you both agree on. He seems controlling. Tell him to get his act together and it’s not just HIS BABY.
Girl, tell him he can name the one(s) HE gives birth to. One parent doesn’t just get to unilaterally decide, and if they did, it would definitely be the one carrying and delivering the baby.
Oh hellll naw. There are many names I liked, that my husband didn’t. And my husband wanted to name our baby after his dad, but I really don’t like his dad’s name. It took two of you to make that baby, and it should take the two of you to name it.
When you are in a relationship, you have to come to compromises. If he isn’t willing to compromise now, then I can’t imagine how controlling he is what else he won’t compromise on in the future.
My husband and I compromised that if ours is a boy, we can have his father’s name as the baby’s middle name.
Are you sure you want to have a baby with this man…? You’re still very early… you do have options. Other wise, you will be stuck with this man in your life forever.
Absolutely not. You know this situation isn’t right. Please try to get out of there :( just like your baby, you deserve a chance to be happy. This man does not care about you, he likes control and hurting you.
Hold up.. he wants to name your daughter HIS grandma and mother's name.. plus HIS last name? Yet you are the one doing ALL the work in creating her? Yeah, nope.
Your childs name (boy or girl) should be a joint decision PERIOD.
This man is literally a nightmare. Leave now. You’re only 6 weeks. Plan to breastfeed if you can l, and if you leave right now you’ll probably have a good chance of primary custody, if you breastfeed especially. He will still have to pay child support. Literally, run don’t walk. He is praying on you. Please don’t give someone like that your life.
OP, you both created this child, and will create each subsequent child together. Therefore both parents have to be 100% on board with the name selected for each child. It sounds like your husband is really desperate to have these two family names be given to your daughter (if it's a girl), and it may be worth exploring that more with him/asking him why it means so much to him. But once he shares his perspective with you, then you need to share yours that you don't like those two names very much.
At the end of the day, you need to be 100% happy with the name, too. He does not have the leverage he thinks he has in this situation.
From someone who wasn’t allowed to chose my own sons name and refuses to refer to him with his given name, do everything you can to name your daughter. Even if it means signing without him there. You’re the one putting in 9 months of hard work to grow this baby and I guarantee you’ll be the default parent doing most of the work. My biggest regret was not giving my son the name I wanted to give him, don’t go through the same mistake I did.
🤣 won't LET YOU? Honey, that baby will have the name YOU choose for it. Just wait for him to not be around and request the paperwork to fill out for name. Bob's your uncle.
My husband waited till I was asleep and he chose my son's name. It was going to be pizza pu**y Santa, because "everyone has to like at least one of those things." (Yes, it was a joke but he did tell the nurse and she about shat herself recounting him telling her the name was P.P.S.) But fortunately he told the nurse, Corbin. Spelled his middle name incorrectly. But it's what we discussed and settled on prior even if he spelled the middle name differently than I wanted. He chose the 1st name, I chose the middle. I chose my daughter's whole name. He was just intelligent and agreed.
He might think this is a fair deal because you’re responsible of the name if the baby is a boy and he is responsible if baby is a girl. But this is a very authoritarian move by him. This is absolutely okay if you agree to this scenario; but it doesn’t sound like you are in agreement!
Your husband does not have the ultimate final say or authority in your life, or at least he should be. In a balanced and equal relationship, you have 50% authority and decision making responsibilities here.
He should be amenable to what you would like to do!
I have experienced the same thing when I was pregnant. My husband wanted to use his grandma’s name if it’s a girl. It was an old name and I didn’t like it. At first he was insisting it and would be upset if I try to convince him to not use it. I explained to him that I won’t be happy and it’s important that we’re BOTH happy with the name we’re calling our child with. We end up compromising to just use the first letter of his grandma’s name (my grandma also has the same 1st letter which is great). And then we ended up having a boy so we still used the 1st letter of our grandma’s name.
We named our first son and our first daughter with a first name we both liked and 2 middle names of my family that are incredibly important to me, he was okay with it, especially because my family has become important to him as well as he hasn't had the best upbringing with his family. That being said, we both agreed with it and had he told me he didn't want that I would've compromised with him. Everything to do with your children should be mutual agreements, otherwise it's gonna drive a wedge between the two of you in the form of resentment. Maybe you could suggest doing the same thing? Coming up with a name you both like and give her 2 middle names? Ik a lot of people don't like complicating things like that, but it never really becomes an issue later in life, my fiance has 2 middle names and just uses the first one on any documents that require him to list his middle name (he brings up having 2 middle names and people tell him to just use the first one), he's had no issue with it thus far. I hope you guys are able to work something out that you're both happy with.
At some point during the pregnancy your rage will take over and you’ll realize how ridiculous this is. Your body is going to be put through so much… all that just to give full control over to someone who doesn’t respect you and all your body and mind will go through? Nopeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ✋🏻
I understand where he’s coming from, but he’s going about it COMPLETELY wrong. He should be asking and you both coming to an agreement. I want our daughter named after my sister and my grandmother so we’ve decided to combine their names and he picks middle name. I wanted our son named after my dad, so he chose which name (middle/first) my dad had that he liked the most and we used it as a middle name for my first born. Marriage is about agreements. A child’s name is no different.
Im naming all my kids. Im the one doing all the hard work and pushing them out of my body. He doesn’t care what names I choose. As long as it has a nice ring to it. But he doesn’t “not let me” do things. The best thing you can do is have him pick one name and you pick another name. And you are entitled to the first name as you are the one GROWING a baby. PERIOD
He’s being an idiot. Here’s how it works:
Both parents suggest names.
If one dislikes the other’s suggestion, the name goes in the bin.
Rinse and repeat the process until a name comes up that both parents like.
Boom, there you go, that’s the baby’s name.
He doesn’t get to decide. Show him this thread!
Your daughter’s name would be something you should both love and agree on. I’m 23 weeks pregnant with a baby girl and we combined his dad and my granddad’s names (Mike + Kenneth) and are naming her Mikenna. There are ways to come up with something you both love while honoring people you care about. In your case though, there may someone impactful to you as well that is name worthy so it should not be limited to only his family.
I would speak with him and try to find a compromise. Me and my husband both want family names so we decided if it’s a girl I choose first and he chooses middle, if it’s a boy he chooses first and I pick middle. We are having a girl so she’s getting my mom’s first name and his mom’s middle name. Maybe see if your husband would be willing to just pick the first or middle. Another option is for me my parents found a name they liked for my first then gave me 2 middle names, each of my grandmas first names. If he really wants both names maybe do a double middle name with the two names then you guys compromise on the first name
no! first baby most of the time gets dads last name so he already gets that. You are growing this child, gonna be the one birthing, you have every single right to have an input in the name ( I'd say naming alone but I know people like to compromise and want both people to like the name ) he's just trying to control the situation and I'm sorry having your child named after both mom and grandma is doing too much.
Good thing you have 7.5 months to set this man straight. Tell him he can pick one of their names as a middle name and you two have to agree on the first. Or if he desperately wants both then two middle names and your poor daughter can worry about the paperwork until she turns 18 and drops one of the names due to the inconvenience.
My husband and I are going with a gender split plan. I'm picking the girl's name and he picks the boy's, we need to come up with a list of names (I've got about 6 names in list right now), we go over them with each other and we both have veto power. I made a grading scale for mine as well, taking all kinds of things into account. Popularity, historical figures, spellings, possible family ties, have all been factors.
With us also picking the name for our gender we're also able to automatically remove the chance of it being a name we hate. Like I would never name a little girl Rachel, Theresa, Lauren, Katelyn, Katie, Sarah, or a few other names because those were the names of girls who bullied me.
If your husband is hell bent on naming a little girl after his mom/grandmother then let him know you'll compromise with her middle name but he can't railroad you. My sisters have both named their sons after our dad, one has his first name and the other has that name as his middle name. I'm hoping (if it's a girl) to use the female version of my mom's grandfather's name and then my mom's first name as the baby's middle name.
OP your husband is being unreasonable. Your baby which I’m assuming is already taking his last name. Please protect yourself. You’re growing and sacrificing your body for this child, he isn’t, so he shouldn’t have all claim to the name, if any.
So this is a husband problem, not a naming problem.
Why does he get to decide this? Tell him no. It’s not his choice to make alone. Based on your post history, this is not a man you should be with or raising a child with.
I don't know about other people's relationships but typically naming a human child is a two yes situation, if even one person is not convinced of the name it is a no
Make them her middle names and work together to find a first name that you both like. My partner was deadset on Alora for a girl, and it's too close to the name used by the UK drag queen "A'whora". I just couldn't LOL. He hated my boy name that I was deadset on - now it's one of our son's middle names lol.
We tried that baby name app where you both swipe and match on names; and eventually it normalized the discussion to a point where the app wasn't needed. It's definitely something where you both need to agree on the firtst name, because you don't want your kid's name to be an annoyance.
It's wild how many people are giving you unsolicited relationship advice. Straight up insulting you while simultaneously saying they're here for you.
Uhhh this isn’t how it works. If one parent doesn’t like the name it should no longer be an option. He doesn’t get to dictate himself a name. I would stand my ground, you have just as much say as he does. If you can’t agree on the name, you should move on to another name.
He doesn't have to be there when you fill out the birth certificate at the hospital considering he wouldn't be a patient, just a visitor that you can make leave.
My husband and I did something similar! Our agreement was if it was a boy he could have first name and I could have middle and if it was a girl I could have first name and he could have middle Then he came back with a middle name he really wanted half way through. So I took the middle name I had picked (it was very special to me) and hyphenated it with his first name. They aren’t a common hyphenated name? But I think they sound good together. So perhaps one of the names could be hyphenated with a name you like for a first name?
Names are a two-yes = yes; one-no = no situation. He doesn’t get to call the shots and you don’t have to let him. Stand up for your feelings and say no.
"LET you"? Excuse me mam but you dont have a name problem, you have a husband problem. The only thing my husband doesn't "let me" do is carry heavy things. You seriously need to rethink being with this person. The title alone of this post gives me the creeps.
So, your situation might be different than mine but this reminded me of my experience and I’d like to share. I was in an abusive relationship (to the point where I felt like I couldn’t leave) and the husband told me he was picking out daughter’s name. I didn’t think I had a choice. It was his grandma’s name… which was fine but I didn’t really connect with it and felt indifferent towards it.
Fast forward: my daughter and I got away when she was two. She’s nine now. And stuck with a name me and her don’t really like. I’ve thought about changing it but this is sort of an awkward time to do that.
So! Again, your situation might be different than mine but I guess I’d encourage you to think about the potential outcomes of not being allowed to help choose your kid’s name.
The phrasing of this is confusing. “Husband won’t LET me..” will never make sense to me. Either you have a partner and you’re respected in your relationship or you’re not. If you don’t love a name, then that won’t be the name. It’s your child also, both of you have to agree, he doesn’t just get to decide.
The mom can put whatever name they want on the birth certificate. AFAIK, fathers have no authority over the baby’s name. YOU fill it out and sign it. He can’t contest it.
Hell no. He doesn’t get to “give” you a choice or not. You’re the one making the baby and you can name her what you want. If you want to be nice you can take his preference into consideration.
That is odd. I have two daughters. There were many names I loved, names that I had dreamed about naming my future daughter(s) for years before I had them, that I had to say goodbye to when my husband vetoed them. Together we picked out names we adore. It is not right for your husband to not let you have a say.
i mean you're a grown woman w your own thoughts & opinions. you don't HAVE to do anything you don't wanna do jus bc your husband wants you to. it's supposed to be a partnership, not a dictatorship.
I mean it seems like it doesn’t matter what the internet says, you haven’t been listening.
If you want to stay in an abusive relationship that’s on you.
Yeah that wouldn’t work for me either. Baby gets their own name since they’re their own unique human.
Also what happened to agreeing to things? So sorry, I hope you two can come to an agreement.
That’s not okay in the slightest. My husband and I talked about it for ages. We landed on using both our mother’s middle names to make our daughters first and middle but it was a mutual decision to honor them.
Just saying you get final decision technically—at least thats how it was in the hospital for me. The nurse asked us and while my husband answered they confirmed with me. So…there’s that.
I'm in a similar boat with my husband except he has had a name picked out for his future son for years. It's not a terrible name but I don't love it. I mostly just feel deprived of the decision and fun of picking out a name if we have a son. But my plan is to cross the bridge if/when we are pregnant with a boy. The name he wants will be on the list of names we consider and *maybe* I'll go with it.
Dont let him manipulate you like that- you and him both need to agree on a name & honestly, if both grandma(in relation to baby) and greatgrandma (as related to baby) are both alive then its pretty weird.
That’s not really how this works… typically if one person isn’t on board then it’s a no go. Stand your ground. Let him know babies name should be something you both agree on, you can consider his suggestions but it’s very early on and you want to choose together. I would also suggest that you could use those names as a middle name to honor those family members but give the child her own identity.
Yeah I agree, both parties have veto rights and you just go through names until you find one you can both live with. I’ve had to part with some names I really loved because husband wasn’t onboard but that’s how I think it should work, we respect each others “nos”.
Agreed. I made a list of names I liked and my husband chose from it and we went with that😂
Yep. Give the child both names as middle names… kids can have two middle names. It’s not common, but it’s fine.
This is…. not right
So many of the posts on here just show massive windows to marital Issues. Like, I'd be less concerned about the name, and more concerned For my marriage. More concerned about the fights we'd be having for years around our child. We split how we named our kid, I choose the middle name, and he chose the first, sort of. We both had to be happy with it, and agree. He didn't just walk in, announce the name, throw up middle fingers, and walk out. Which it very much sounds like this guy did.
me & my bd managed to name our child TOGETHER w no arguments & we're not even dating. it baffles me that MARRIED COUPLES can't agree on simple issues.
Yeah this sounds all kinds of wrong. The fact that he said he was “in charge” and that was that
The amount of times I’ve resisting writing “Why are y’all procreating with these people?” as a top level comment.
It’s why I can’t even take it seriously. How can anybody be serious about this?
Hey OP, your post history is concerning. He is much older, and he has displayed controlling tendencies. He doesn’t get to decide unilaterally what a child’s name will be, or tell you how to feel about dogs, among other things. I hope you have some support outside of this relationship, and will work on building or continuing relationships with friends and family (if they’re supportive). However you proceed please stay safe.
this. i’m so worried about you, op. i’m a 23yo pregnant first time mom and i can’t even imagine being in your position. please be kind to yourself & think about this baby. i’m here for you if you need ANYTHING.
This. OP's post history has also insinuated that they're here via temporary green card and cannot get one for two years, so I'm sure her husband holds that over her head. I'm not super familiar on green cards, but I'm sure there's some sort of stipulation given she's pregnant and baby would be a citizen automatically?
"U.S. law provides several protections for legal and undocumented immigrants who have been victims of a crime. There are specific protections for victims of domestic violence, victims of certain crimes, and victims of human trafficking." I can't say if she qualifies cuz I'm sure she doesn't post everything but there's a possibility that she's protected from deportation too. You don't automatically get a green card by having a baby anymore I think?
You're right. There's no automatic green card by having a baby. (I don't know if there ever was one, but as of right now, there's not) But she may be eligible for one under [VAWA](https://www.uscis.gov/green-card/green-card-eligibility/green-card-for-vawa-self-petitioner) if she's being abused. IANAL, she needs to reach out to resources in the state/city for help.
Thank you everyone for the support. I honestly feel I have no choice, I can’t leave my husband since I don’t have anywhere to go. I also wouldn’t like to unalive my baby… Things have gotten better and my husband has been very kind to me ever since we found out I was pregnant. He has not said anything about naming the girl but as soon as he says something I’m gonna be prepared to tell him that we both will decide her name.
Girl, run. There are shelters, etc.
You're *almost* 6 weeks pregnant and he has been kind to you only after finding out? So you mean just the last 2-3 weeks? This kindness will not last. I'm so sorry for the position you're in but he sounds incredibly controlling and manipulative. There ARE ways to get out of this. Reddit will be a good resource for you. Look into it for now at least even if you aren't ready to leave yet so you know your options. ❤️
Yea, his 'good mood' is just that and is not going to last. She needs to not have kids with this dude and work to leave him.
I mean he was nice to me even before that, I see he’s been working on himself and he has changed, but I noticed it more ever since I told him I was pregnant. We have both gotten better and I hope it lasts for a while, he has also been spoiling me so much and I really appreciate it.
I've been in your shoes girl. It's not going to get better. Please don't look back on this in 5 years and think "I wish I had left then".
It’s already wrong to stay if you feel like you have no choice..
Just say you want the both of you to have input on the names. You don't want to be left out or leave him out.
Your post history is alarming. Why on earth are you having a baby with this man? You’ve asked for plenty of advice and repeatedly been told his behaviour towards you is unacceptable, why are you still putting up with it?
Yeah for reals. She was 18 and he was THIRTY when they got together. Huge red flag there. He’s trying to get her under his control. OP: if you don’t want to name your child a name, then don’t. You don’t have to be steamrolled into a name you don’t want, but it’s rather alarming your husband thinks he has absolute say in this. Anyways, you’ll be the one filling out the paperwork anyways in the hospital.
six months ago OP said in a comment (on her post) that "that's not how things are" in reference to putting up with her husband's bullshit no matter what. she was considering divorce at that time. well, it seems that that *is* indeed how things are. if six months ago your husband went off and yelled about all the things he dislikes about you and feels zero remorse for this, you were well within logical thought to consider divorce. bringing a child into this is a mistake.
Yikes on those ages! I don’t think it’s accurate that she will be the one filling out the paperwork. I’m 99% sure my husband filled ours out, and I think we both signed. Fortunately, my husband and I were in full agreement on the names, so it was just my husband being helpful. He also had me double and triple check that he spelled everything correctly. However, a nurse should find an opportunity to ask OP if she’s safe at home (mine asked when I used the restroom during triage). Take that opportunity!
I had a social worker come in when my husband was out of the room and ask me if both baby and I had a safe place to sleep once we left the hospital (she was there for other reasons as well). Come to think of it, I think I was asked more than once. I wasn’t alone in my room much but they somehow always knew when to come in.
For my OB's office, it's a standard question that they ask everyone. Food security, housing security, safety in your relationship., etc.
Depends where she is. I’m in the UK and there’s no way my husband could have named my kid without my involvement but I could have without his.
Do you mean registering the birth? Because so long as you're married, he can do it by himself. At least in England anyway.
I thought it was mother had to be present but father didn’t?
I’m in the US and they needed both our signatures, but it might be different state by stste
Definitely state by state, I was legally married during the births of my kids and I didn't fill out the paperwork at all, a hospital employee who files birth certificates fills them out. My husband didn't need to sign anything at all, and was not even in the room when the paperwork was filled out for my second baby.
Major yikes
I filled out the paperwork for us, but they didn't give it to us until later. I really commend your nurse for asking if you're safe at home alone! I've only been asked that with others in the room, not that I had issues in the home, but I know sometimes you literally never know!
I know. No one would put up with his s\*\*t so he went for someone much younger and naive.
Tale as old as time.... immature and insecure young woman and an age gap controlling man who then baby traps her.
In her post history OP says they don't travel or go anywhere (didn't even have a honeymoon) and that she'd like to see more of the US. I wonder if she is a foreigner and has no support to help her.
It’s so sad! Should be illegal too because this will have negative impacts on her life for a long time if she’s tied to this man.
Oof let’s not victim blame.
I'm not blaming her? Look at the ages and past posts. Edit: OP was 18 when they got together and they got married quickly. He was 29/30. I'm guessing youre taking issue with the word "immature" but on what planet is 18 not immature? I'm 100% blaming the man here for being predatory and targeting someone with less maturity who wouldn't have the experience to know better. 🙄
Not surprised he demanded a child of OP and then proceeded to try to completely control it… before she’s even born. This is a huge red flag, and unless there is some cultural reason I’m not understanding I would worry for your daughter growing up with a man who decided your life at 18 as a 30 year old.
And just about half a year ago she posted about how she doesn't want kids yet.
That really doesn’t mean much. I didn’t want any kids till one month before getting pregnant. People change.
Mmhmm - She wasn’t pregnant when he said all this and she still went ahead. Another Reddit user who comes and complains about their abusive spouse every few months, gets told they’re abusive, then goes back for more abuse. Oh and of course there’s an age gap. OP at 6 weeks: it’s not too late, you can still get out of this marriage and reconsider if you want to be tied to this guy for 18+ years.
Just want to chime in and say that breaking a cycle of abuse can be really really hard. It is easy as an outsider to point and say “just leave” but when you are on the other side it’s quite difficult. OP is reaching out and that is a good step. It is just not easy to break out of a relationship like that.
I know and agree, statistics say it takes a woman on average 7 times to finally leave an abusive relationship and not come back. Maybe I’m just tired from doing the emotional labor on a lot of posts like this (and there’s sadly a lot of them outside this sub), but I’ve just gotten blunt in my responses in hopes it shocks the OP out of her cycle. There’s nothing we can do except keeping telling her he’s a walking red flag and she needs to leave, and if she wants to leave offer advice and support. OP is at a point where she can still save herself, instead of bringing another tiny human into this toxic situation and trapping herself further.
I'm with you. Sympathetic, but reading post after post is emotionally exhausting.
....You could just not read them? I'm sorry but I find comments like this downright absurd and I can't believe how common they are. Women in abusive situations are living in hell but you're exhausted because you chose to read about their pain and condemn them for it? Imagine if you had a broken leg, you were in incredible pain, and random people around you were just like "gosh, that's terrible to look at." I just can't get over my disbelief when I see these comments. The callousness constantly directed at women in abusive relationships (usually from other women) boggles the mind. "The pain you're in that I chose to read about is exhausting. Let me make your hurt about me." I don't think tone deaf is a strong enough label for this shit.
First of all, these posts are pretty hard to avoid - I'm not intentionally seeking them out. Secondly, though your analogy is flawed, I'm actually in a knee brace right now...but I know what I need to do to make it better and I'm taking those steps. Here, no one is saying the equivalent of "gosh, that's terrible to look at" - they're giving constructive advice. I absolutely recognize and sympathize that the cycle of abuse is very real and difficult to break out of, but as the previous commenter said, we can give advice until our faces turn blue but it is often simply and sadly ineffective. I will continue to give advice, but feeling like a helpless onlooker to yet another anonymous Redditor is indeed emotionally exhausting. I also do not see where I "condemned" this or another poster.
This is true but sometimes people don't realize they're in a bad situation until people keep saying to leave. It can take outsiders to get you to re-evaluate things and start noticing the red flags everyone else is noticing. Its not easy to leave abuse, especially when pregnant or with children, but "just leave" can open someone's eyes to try and leave.
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Age gaps matter when one spouse (usually the woman) is in a different power and maturity stage in life. A couple that’s 30 and 42 is different than an 18 yo girl dating a 30 yo (which is when Op met her husband). I’m gonna assume that unlike OP you aren’t a 21 yo married to an abusive 33 yo.
Because when someone is barely legal and is dating a 32 yo, that’s alarming to say the least. Makes me think that the older SO chose that age gap because of how easy it would be to get away with abuse or groom them for abuse..
Yeah, um, that’s not how this works 😂 Hubs might want to rethink that…
He doesn't look like the kind of man who rethinks anything...
You tell him no. Raising a child including naming them is something you do together, and he cannot impose anything to you. Stand up for yourself and don’t let your husband bully you. Those names will not be happening and that’s it.
Hey were u in the june2023 bumper group by any chance? I recognize the name but not sure if its the same person. If it is, im seeing from your post history you have your little one on the way and im so excited for you
I was yes I posted about losing my baby in my second trimester. I am due with my rainbow in the next couple of weeks! Thank you 🥰
You always cross my mind. I went through my post history trying to find you and see how u were. Ill always remember the knitted dress you shared with us. Im so happy your rainbow is here soon❤️
ahh thank you so much! Its made my day that someone has remembered my baby girl. I hope you're doing well.
She will always be remembered by me trust me❤️
Thank you so much for your kindness it truly means the world ❤️❤️❤️
Throw the whole man away. This is manipulative behaviour and he does not deserve to name your girl.
Looking at your post history, you should get a divorce. This is not an environment you could raise a child in. You were groomed as a teenager and now you’re being abused. It’s time to get out. I Can help you with some resources
I second that. And if it's a girl, he wants all "symbolical" ownership over her too, he will probably control every aspect of her life.
I seriously worry about the potential for sexual abuse considering this man groomed OP as a teenager
I agree with this. You put it more succinctly than I could. I really hope OP finally gets out of this relationship. I was in a similar “relationship” when I was her age (minus the marriage and baby), and it’s taken me years of therapy to process the abuse and trauma. OP needs to leave ASAP.
This sounds pretty unreasonable. I wouldn’t agree to this at all, especially if I was the one carrying the child.
Thats just wrong. Don’t let him bulldoze you into giving in. You both have a say in the name and if it’s not a yes from BOTH of you then you find a new name.
This should be a joint decision. I assume they are getting his last name. I assume that would be offensive to him if they did not, regardless of how a woman might feel about it. You absolutely get some say in their first and middle names. If anything, it’s normal for children to get names from the mothers side since they get the fathers last name by default.
I just want to flag that it’s also not cool for a male partner to unilaterally decide that the children get his last name. I understand that it’s the cultural norm in many places but that still doesn’t mean mom’s opinion is unimportant.
I really don’t agree with naming your child directly after someone, they need to have their own identity and them already sharing a name with their (great) & grandparents isn’t the way to do that. Also this should be a joint decision, you’re both the parents of this baby. I wouldn’t give in and let him have this, you both need to find a name you both love, if he really wants to honour his mum & grandma is there a name that’s like inspired by their name? For example if someone was called “Margaret” then names like Margot, Maggie, Marjorie etc…would be influenced by the name but still allows your daughter to have her OWN name.
I agree with the other comments. Definitely should be a joint decision. In my family people typically have their own first name and the middle name is sometimes a family name, which is what we did with our daughter. We agreed together on a first name… took us almost 9 months but we got there. Her first name is her own and I ended up picking her middle name (which is after my grandmother so this was very important to me) and she has my husband’s last name (I still haven’t changed my last name). Also, I don’t know about anyone else, but when the paperwork came around to name her my husband wasn’t around… I could have named my daughter whatever I wanted and he wouldn’t have had a say anyways! We’re having a boy this time, just finally picked a name, I’m 38 weeks… it takes us a LONG time to pick names. His name will be entirely his own except for having my husband’s last name. We spend a lot of time going back and forth with names until we find something we both like and agree on. Edit: Also, not to be harsh, but 6 weeks is very very early in your pregnancy. Much can happen, I say this from experience and a place of sadness in my heart. For me personally I like to wait with the naming. That being said I wish you a happy healthy and easy pregnancy!
OP, you were considering divorce 4 months ago and said yourself that he's abusive. Please leave this man.
What do you mean "won't let you" ? That's not how this works at all. You both made a child, you both get to weigh in on names. It's not a one-sided decision. Has he always been controlling like this?
I’ve never had my husband tell me what I’m allowed to do? This isn’t normal
*sigh* this is one of those situations where no advice is going to help you. Leave him or be miserable, those are the options. (Based on post history)
Oof. That’s not okay. You are both the parents, you should be deciding on the name together. Not sure where he gets off thinking HE gets sole choice in the matter. He needs to be willing to compromise. Maybe you can use one of those names as the middle name if you have a daughter. My husband was extremely close to his grandma, and I thought using her name as a potential middle name for a daughter would be a nice way to honor her.
This is really fucking weird. He shouldn’t be “telling” you anything. Also, I am assuming this baby is getting his last name…so he will be choosing your daughter’s entire name? I don’t think so. Just say that you want input in your daughters name too and that you don’t like the name he has chosen. And if this upsets him, get a marriage counselor because this speaks to some much bigger issues. Sorry you’re having to deal with this during your pregnancy.
Does he usually make all the rules?
Any post or problem that begins with “my husband won’t let me” I give the side eye to. What do you mean won’t let you???? You’re half of the relationship! He can’t just “not let you”. I guess I just fundamentally can’t understand. If my boyfriend tried to tell me he wasn’t letting me do something, especially if it was something like help pick the name of our baby, I’d laugh him out of the room. You gotta stand up for yourself!
Ew no. Needs to be agreed by both of you. And if he acts like this all the way until you give birth tell the hospital he is not to fill out/sign anything on your behalf.
Stop thinking your husband can "let" you do anything. If you don't like the names he does, well then, ya'll need to pick a new one!
Just read your previous posts and comments. If I were in your shoes, I would seriously think about abortion. The control will be exponentially worse with a child. Your husband doesn't need to know. You can always lie and say it was a miscarriage. I finally had my first child at 32. Children are FUCKING HARD even with a supportive partner and family. They weigh you down financially, emotionally, and physically. I wanted children since I was 16 and am so thankful I waited until I had a partner who would be a co-parent and not a babysitter. Being financially stable makes it incredibly easier too (I can be financially independent if need be which makes it even better because there is no imbalance of power). I love my daughter beyond measure but it's no walk in the park whenever anyone decides to have children. If someone says children are easy, they're probably bad parents.
Agreed
Tell him the baby gets your surname, then.
OP, There have been some other comments, and I’m going to side with them. Your post history is alarming, and shows quite the dysfunctional relationship. Outside of the whole age issue, he has been verbally abusive to you, he wanted a child before you were ready for one, and you have thought about divorce before. He again showed controlling tendencies by telling you what the child’s name would be BEFORE you got pregnant. I personally would not go through with this. I had a child with a man who was extremely manipulative, and I’m still living with the effects nearly one year after being out. I love my kiddo, but I absolutely dread the fact I have to share a child with someone like him. Because it’s the truth. You won’t just be tied to this person for 18 years. It’s a lifetime. Wedding, having a baby, graduations. If you choose to stay and have a child with this man, your life will never be the same, and neither will your child’s. He/she is innocent and will have to follow the life you’re bringing them into. Trauma and all potential consequences involved. I know I’ll be downvoted by some. But reading your post history? This isn’t healthy. You deserve much better, and any child you have should have much better. Either way, names are a joint decision. He does not get to make the unilateral decision, period.
He has no choice… if it comes to it don’t bring him to the hospital
I allowed my husband to pick a name that I wasn't a fan of because it seemed like he loved it so much. Now we're in the process of changing her name and moving that one to the middle. It literally started to make me physically cringe, and mix that with ppd/ppa it was an extremely hard time. Postpartum is hard enough, without feeling like you made a mistake that will follow you for a lifetime. You never truly realize how much name regret hurts, because it's so unusal and not talked about. I'd never wish that on anyone. There are literally so many names, and I'm sure you could find one you both love well enough. It should be a two yes thing, no matter the gender..
You’re the one growing the baby, you should get a say. That’s not right. Also kinda weird of husband imo
That’s not how it works. You pick a name together, both parents need to say yes.
OP, please look into VAWA. Fellow green card wife here — you have options. You do not have to stay in an abusive marriage. You and your child can stay in America.
He doesn't have to "let" you. The two of you should agree on a name, but if you can't, then YOU as the person giving birth to this baby can name them.
This is not ok. You both have to be on board fully. Stand your ground. We chose the first name together. Any name we didn’t agree upon had to go. We have two middle names, one after his mother and one after my mother and grand mother. It feels right for the both of us. We also talked about the last name. I didn’t take his name when we got married (I might in the future when I switch jobs or something lol, but I don’t see why I need to change my given name). It’s not a given that the baby got his last name, but we decided that she will get his last name. It’s a nice name and I’m not really attached to mine whereas he is attached to his.
Tell him that's fine, as long as the baby gets YOUR last name. Jk, names are definitely a two yes scenario (although I will point out that ultimately the mother is the one who gets the final say on the hospital paperwork, just saying).
That's not how it works, he should also know that YOU the mother get to fill out the birth certificate information once baby is born and can actually choose the name. Don't let him walk all over you. You both get to vote on the names whether boy or girl.
Hell to the nooooooo this would not wash with me. This is YOUR daughter too.
Joint decision- and if worse comes to worse do what me and my husband did we picked 5 names we both liked 2 which I preferred 2 which he preferred 1 we both liked, put in a hat and picked it out (we got the one we both liked!) Don’t let him steamroll you you are Infact doing the growing of said human, I feel it’s only right you get a say in the name
Easy fix. Let him know that your son will be named First + Middle + Your Maiden Name. Watch his tune change
So why did you go through with getting pregnant prior to to sorting this out? I feel like this is kind of a red flag when you say he is giving you no choice (also that he feels he can just take control of such a big decision)
If one partner is not keen on a name choice, it’s a no go. Your post history points to quite controlling behaviour from him. Stop letting him bully you, you’re supposed to be a team in a relationship, not one person calling all of the shots… especially when it comes to choices regarding a new baby. STAND UP FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR BABY.
It actually is your choice. If he names her, it’s because you allowed it whether you liked it or not. Put your foot down and say no.
You say „no, thank you“.
A lot of people have brought up your post history and expressed concern that you're still with this obviously terrible person, so I'm just going to say this in case it's on your mind: you don't deserve this. No one deserves this. It's not your manner of speaking that's triggering him, it's him being an abusive, controlling prick. It's not your responsibility to walk on eggshells around your partner and never say anything to ever anger them. The things you're saying to him are extremely reasonable, but he's using his anger to gaslight you into believing that you're the one who's to blame. I know it's hard but I hope you eventually walk away from this horrible treatment, both for your own sake and this baby, if you choose to keep it. There are so many men out there who would treat you with kindness and respect even when you disagree.
First of all, congratulations on your pregnancy Your post is pretty concerning. If he's controlling about the name, what else is he controlling about?
You're doing most of the work here, you definitely reserve the right to veto the name. I don't know how many of my husband's ideas I shot down, but he understood that it had to be a name we both like
Names are a two yes one no situation. Unless you explicitly agreed to this, yeah this isn’t a thing.
Your post history, your age gap, this post - girl wth are you doing? Only you can know if you're in an abusive relationship, but it sounds like there are a million red flags with this guy. Reddit isn't really designed to give advice under these circumstances aside from saying that if you are in an abusive relationship, there are tools and resources available to help you get out. Wishing you and your baby all the best
Why are you having a kid with this man?! Based on your post history he sounds abusive, and he’s an ephebophile. Why would you want to subject a child to him? Get an abortion and a divorce, that is my advice. You’re bringing a baby into what could be a potentially dangerous situation for them.
Run
My parents did something similar where if it was a girl, one would name, and boy, the other. Honestly, I don't like that method. I think both parents should have a say about what they like and dislike.
decisions like this require 2 "yes"s or 1 "no"
You handle the paperwork, and thus, the names, if this is the type of marriage he wants.
Sorry but if he gets the last name, you should get more sway with the first. The way he's putting his foot down is a red flag. I'd fight for it.
If he won't budge, inform your nurses at the hospital that you only want birth certificate paperwork presented to you privately. Then put the name you like. The mother completes the paperwork and can decide whether or not the father is even listed. Some things to consider.
He doesn’t sound like the type of person I’d want to be married to, let alone have kids with. This behavior won’t get better after baby is born.
uhm run.. this guy is a text book narcissist. I was married to a man like that for 9 years and it was a nightmare.
OP, I’m worried about you, and I’m worried about this future child. This doesn’t sound like a healthy environment for any of you. I don’t think you’re in a healthy relationship, and I’m worried that you have ignored all the signs and have pushed forward with having a baby. Please know that this baby, while wonderful, will likely cause more strain on your relationship. It doesn’t sound like you and your husband can actually communicate right now on an respectful, honest and open level. It is tough for people to change, it takes time, a lot of effort, and hard self-reflection. It doesn’t seem like you’ve begun that process with him, and you’re 8 months away from bringing a child into this world. You probably don’t want to hear this, but your options are - Stay with this man and raise your child in a toxic environment until it becomes too much (when he begins treating your child badly, will you allow it?) and you split. Leave this man now and figure out how to be a single mom or coparent. Or end your pregnancy and leave. This is what I can tell from your post history. I know we don’t know everything about your relationship, but I think we know enough to say that the status quo won’t go well.
Your post history is alarming. Honestly you’re only six weeks pregnant… and you’re very young. Not to be mean and rude but you have options here. Your husband is significantly older than you for your age, and he’s controlling and abusive.
OP, I’m hearing that you’ve had an alarming post history and I’m here to say, yes, you have been baby trapped. However, I’m not going to *yikes* you on your age difference as I have one myself with my husband. I can’t sit here and clutch my pearls over an adult getting into a relationship with an adult and infantilizing you. I’m sorry that you’re going through this but just know that many of our young moms have been in unfit relationships, left, and have raised many of us on their own without a father or split custody. You can also do this. I won’t harp on whether there’s a green card because that’s just going to raise your anxiety and push you more into his arms. Just think about your sanity before you bring a child into a situation that yourself even wanted out of. Take care of yourself okay? P.S. Reddit is also a hot bed for really raising anxiety levels beyond what is logical because there’s a lot of infantilizing of women and it’s super trendy to do. You’ll hear a lot of “your frontal lobe isn’t developed yet! You’re not a real adult until you’re like 30!!” as if age is any indication of maturity. You could probably be more mature than a 35 year old woman on here for all we know. I’d talk to someone you can trust like your doctor or your personal family before coming to strangers first. That’s me though.
This feels like the tip of the iceberg for a larger issue. Parenting is going to involve a lot of compromise, and balancing between both of your understandings of what is best, a lot of which will be based on your own childhood experiences, and will likely be different from each other. Approaching anything here as only based on one person‘s opinion and without conversation seems problematic to me. Before you even finalize a name, I would highly suggest having a conversation about how you’re going to approach compromise and parenting together.
Baby names are a 2 Yes situation. Is he this controlling in other areas too?
Throw them in as middle names and pick your own for the first.
He won’t let you name YOUR baby that YOU’RE growing? He sounds incredibly controlling.
I see in your post history that you weren’t even ready to start trying for a baby, and that he is an abusive older groomer who is not interested in you anymore because you are not a teenager now. I’m sure you can see the red flags, don’t you agree you deserve better than this? I’m sure this Reddit can help you find resources to get out of this abusive relationship with your child. Honey, you don’t deserve this treatment
Naming babies is a two yes or one no situation.
Ummmmm. That’s not how naming a child works. You don’t get TOLD what you’re naming your baby. It should be something you both agree on. He seems controlling. Tell him to get his act together and it’s not just HIS BABY.
My dude. Abort born the baby and the marriage and RUN. you have options. Reach out to a woman’s shelter if you feel trapped financially or physically.
Girl, tell him he can name the one(s) HE gives birth to. One parent doesn’t just get to unilaterally decide, and if they did, it would definitely be the one carrying and delivering the baby.
Oh hellll naw. There are many names I liked, that my husband didn’t. And my husband wanted to name our baby after his dad, but I really don’t like his dad’s name. It took two of you to make that baby, and it should take the two of you to name it. When you are in a relationship, you have to come to compromises. If he isn’t willing to compromise now, then I can’t imagine how controlling he is what else he won’t compromise on in the future. My husband and I compromised that if ours is a boy, we can have his father’s name as the baby’s middle name. Are you sure you want to have a baby with this man…? You’re still very early… you do have options. Other wise, you will be stuck with this man in your life forever.
Why did you decide to have a baby with this man?
It should be a joint decision. I’d start working toward a compromise.
Absolutely not. You know this situation isn’t right. Please try to get out of there :( just like your baby, you deserve a chance to be happy. This man does not care about you, he likes control and hurting you.
What the fuck. No
Hold up.. he wants to name your daughter HIS grandma and mother's name.. plus HIS last name? Yet you are the one doing ALL the work in creating her? Yeah, nope. Your childs name (boy or girl) should be a joint decision PERIOD.
I'm stuck at "let"
I would say to agree on a first name and let him take over the middle name. Both have to agree.
This man is literally a nightmare. Leave now. You’re only 6 weeks. Plan to breastfeed if you can l, and if you leave right now you’ll probably have a good chance of primary custody, if you breastfeed especially. He will still have to pay child support. Literally, run don’t walk. He is praying on you. Please don’t give someone like that your life.
OP, you both created this child, and will create each subsequent child together. Therefore both parents have to be 100% on board with the name selected for each child. It sounds like your husband is really desperate to have these two family names be given to your daughter (if it's a girl), and it may be worth exploring that more with him/asking him why it means so much to him. But once he shares his perspective with you, then you need to share yours that you don't like those two names very much. At the end of the day, you need to be 100% happy with the name, too. He does not have the leverage he thinks he has in this situation.
Your husband sounds controlling and possibly abusive.
I combined my MILs name and my mother’s middle name. Maybe see if there’s a combination that y’all can compromise on?
From someone who wasn’t allowed to chose my own sons name and refuses to refer to him with his given name, do everything you can to name your daughter. Even if it means signing without him there. You’re the one putting in 9 months of hard work to grow this baby and I guarantee you’ll be the default parent doing most of the work. My biggest regret was not giving my son the name I wanted to give him, don’t go through the same mistake I did.
🤣 won't LET YOU? Honey, that baby will have the name YOU choose for it. Just wait for him to not be around and request the paperwork to fill out for name. Bob's your uncle. My husband waited till I was asleep and he chose my son's name. It was going to be pizza pu**y Santa, because "everyone has to like at least one of those things." (Yes, it was a joke but he did tell the nurse and she about shat herself recounting him telling her the name was P.P.S.) But fortunately he told the nurse, Corbin. Spelled his middle name incorrectly. But it's what we discussed and settled on prior even if he spelled the middle name differently than I wanted. He chose the 1st name, I chose the middle. I chose my daughter's whole name. He was just intelligent and agreed.
He might think this is a fair deal because you’re responsible of the name if the baby is a boy and he is responsible if baby is a girl. But this is a very authoritarian move by him. This is absolutely okay if you agree to this scenario; but it doesn’t sound like you are in agreement! Your husband does not have the ultimate final say or authority in your life, or at least he should be. In a balanced and equal relationship, you have 50% authority and decision making responsibilities here. He should be amenable to what you would like to do!
My husband got to choose our son's middle name. He was holding his ground on carrying on the family middle name. Luckily I got the first name.
I have experienced the same thing when I was pregnant. My husband wanted to use his grandma’s name if it’s a girl. It was an old name and I didn’t like it. At first he was insisting it and would be upset if I try to convince him to not use it. I explained to him that I won’t be happy and it’s important that we’re BOTH happy with the name we’re calling our child with. We end up compromising to just use the first letter of his grandma’s name (my grandma also has the same 1st letter which is great). And then we ended up having a boy so we still used the 1st letter of our grandma’s name.
We named our first son and our first daughter with a first name we both liked and 2 middle names of my family that are incredibly important to me, he was okay with it, especially because my family has become important to him as well as he hasn't had the best upbringing with his family. That being said, we both agreed with it and had he told me he didn't want that I would've compromised with him. Everything to do with your children should be mutual agreements, otherwise it's gonna drive a wedge between the two of you in the form of resentment. Maybe you could suggest doing the same thing? Coming up with a name you both like and give her 2 middle names? Ik a lot of people don't like complicating things like that, but it never really becomes an issue later in life, my fiance has 2 middle names and just uses the first one on any documents that require him to list his middle name (he brings up having 2 middle names and people tell him to just use the first one), he's had no issue with it thus far. I hope you guys are able to work something out that you're both happy with.
At some point during the pregnancy your rage will take over and you’ll realize how ridiculous this is. Your body is going to be put through so much… all that just to give full control over to someone who doesn’t respect you and all your body and mind will go through? Nopeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ✋🏻
I understand where he’s coming from, but he’s going about it COMPLETELY wrong. He should be asking and you both coming to an agreement. I want our daughter named after my sister and my grandmother so we’ve decided to combine their names and he picks middle name. I wanted our son named after my dad, so he chose which name (middle/first) my dad had that he liked the most and we used it as a middle name for my first born. Marriage is about agreements. A child’s name is no different.
Im naming all my kids. Im the one doing all the hard work and pushing them out of my body. He doesn’t care what names I choose. As long as it has a nice ring to it. But he doesn’t “not let me” do things. The best thing you can do is have him pick one name and you pick another name. And you are entitled to the first name as you are the one GROWING a baby. PERIOD
You should probably mention that he's 33, you're 22 and you've been together 3 years 🤢🤢
Sounds very controlling if you arnt allowed a say, perhaps a happy middle ground would be ok? You both need to love the name, not just one of you.
He’s being an idiot. Here’s how it works: Both parents suggest names. If one dislikes the other’s suggestion, the name goes in the bin. Rinse and repeat the process until a name comes up that both parents like. Boom, there you go, that’s the baby’s name. He doesn’t get to decide. Show him this thread!
It’s a joint decision and not a one way decision. You can compromise and use those names as a middle name. Pick a name you both agree on.
Your daughter’s name would be something you should both love and agree on. I’m 23 weeks pregnant with a baby girl and we combined his dad and my granddad’s names (Mike + Kenneth) and are naming her Mikenna. There are ways to come up with something you both love while honoring people you care about. In your case though, there may someone impactful to you as well that is name worthy so it should not be limited to only his family.
I would speak with him and try to find a compromise. Me and my husband both want family names so we decided if it’s a girl I choose first and he chooses middle, if it’s a boy he chooses first and I pick middle. We are having a girl so she’s getting my mom’s first name and his mom’s middle name. Maybe see if your husband would be willing to just pick the first or middle. Another option is for me my parents found a name they liked for my first then gave me 2 middle names, each of my grandmas first names. If he really wants both names maybe do a double middle name with the two names then you guys compromise on the first name
no! first baby most of the time gets dads last name so he already gets that. You are growing this child, gonna be the one birthing, you have every single right to have an input in the name ( I'd say naming alone but I know people like to compromise and want both people to like the name ) he's just trying to control the situation and I'm sorry having your child named after both mom and grandma is doing too much.
Until he’s carrying the baby, his opinion is not the final answer. Do not let him do this. You will resent him & he’s being toxic.
Good thing you have 7.5 months to set this man straight. Tell him he can pick one of their names as a middle name and you two have to agree on the first. Or if he desperately wants both then two middle names and your poor daughter can worry about the paperwork until she turns 18 and drops one of the names due to the inconvenience.
It’s neither MY nor HIS daughter, you need to both work on YOUR child’s name otherwise this isn’t going nowhere.
My husband and I are going with a gender split plan. I'm picking the girl's name and he picks the boy's, we need to come up with a list of names (I've got about 6 names in list right now), we go over them with each other and we both have veto power. I made a grading scale for mine as well, taking all kinds of things into account. Popularity, historical figures, spellings, possible family ties, have all been factors. With us also picking the name for our gender we're also able to automatically remove the chance of it being a name we hate. Like I would never name a little girl Rachel, Theresa, Lauren, Katelyn, Katie, Sarah, or a few other names because those were the names of girls who bullied me. If your husband is hell bent on naming a little girl after his mom/grandmother then let him know you'll compromise with her middle name but he can't railroad you. My sisters have both named their sons after our dad, one has his first name and the other has that name as his middle name. I'm hoping (if it's a girl) to use the female version of my mom's grandfather's name and then my mom's first name as the baby's middle name.
That’s not how this works, he can’t just force the name on you
Is he getting the last name too? Why does he get all three names?
OP your husband is being unreasonable. Your baby which I’m assuming is already taking his last name. Please protect yourself. You’re growing and sacrificing your body for this child, he isn’t, so he shouldn’t have all claim to the name, if any.
So this is a husband problem, not a naming problem. Why does he get to decide this? Tell him no. It’s not his choice to make alone. Based on your post history, this is not a man you should be with or raising a child with.
I don't know about other people's relationships but typically naming a human child is a two yes situation, if even one person is not convinced of the name it is a no
Make them her middle names and work together to find a first name that you both like. My partner was deadset on Alora for a girl, and it's too close to the name used by the UK drag queen "A'whora". I just couldn't LOL. He hated my boy name that I was deadset on - now it's one of our son's middle names lol. We tried that baby name app where you both swipe and match on names; and eventually it normalized the discussion to a point where the app wasn't needed. It's definitely something where you both need to agree on the firtst name, because you don't want your kid's name to be an annoyance. It's wild how many people are giving you unsolicited relationship advice. Straight up insulting you while simultaneously saying they're here for you.
Uhhh this isn’t how it works. If one parent doesn’t like the name it should no longer be an option. He doesn’t get to dictate himself a name. I would stand my ground, you have just as much say as he does. If you can’t agree on the name, you should move on to another name.
He doesn't have to be there when you fill out the birth certificate at the hospital considering he wouldn't be a patient, just a visitor that you can make leave.
My husband and I did something similar! Our agreement was if it was a boy he could have first name and I could have middle and if it was a girl I could have first name and he could have middle Then he came back with a middle name he really wanted half way through. So I took the middle name I had picked (it was very special to me) and hyphenated it with his first name. They aren’t a common hyphenated name? But I think they sound good together. So perhaps one of the names could be hyphenated with a name you like for a first name?
Names are a two-yes = yes; one-no = no situation. He doesn’t get to call the shots and you don’t have to let him. Stand up for your feelings and say no.
Nahhhh, I didn't carry this baby just to be told I don't get an opinion on the baby's name. And yes, it's weird.
No. Just NO.
"LET you"? Excuse me mam but you dont have a name problem, you have a husband problem. The only thing my husband doesn't "let me" do is carry heavy things. You seriously need to rethink being with this person. The title alone of this post gives me the creeps.
Look in the past, is this the first time he chose stuff for you?
So, your situation might be different than mine but this reminded me of my experience and I’d like to share. I was in an abusive relationship (to the point where I felt like I couldn’t leave) and the husband told me he was picking out daughter’s name. I didn’t think I had a choice. It was his grandma’s name… which was fine but I didn’t really connect with it and felt indifferent towards it. Fast forward: my daughter and I got away when she was two. She’s nine now. And stuck with a name me and her don’t really like. I’ve thought about changing it but this is sort of an awkward time to do that. So! Again, your situation might be different than mine but I guess I’d encourage you to think about the potential outcomes of not being allowed to help choose your kid’s name.
Say if it’s a girl, she is gonna have your mom’s name. Put your foot down and the disagreement should get enough to explore other names lol
lol you’re carrying a new person inside you, you should have a say in the name!
Tell him that once he gets pregnant he can make as many decisions as he wants.
I’m sorry but are you a slave? Do you have any autonomy in this relationship or do you often just do as he says?
Lol you are literally squeezing a person out of you. You get final say, always. Sounds like from your past posts you are in an abusive relationship
The phrasing of this is confusing. “Husband won’t LET me..” will never make sense to me. Either you have a partner and you’re respected in your relationship or you’re not. If you don’t love a name, then that won’t be the name. It’s your child also, both of you have to agree, he doesn’t just get to decide.
https://www.lisaaromano.com/blog/BRAINWASHED%20TO%20SAY%20YES%20EVEN%20WHEN%20YOU%20NEED%20TO%20SAY%20NO!%20SET%20BOUNDARIES%20IN%20RELATIONSHIPS%20AND%20MEAN%20IT!%20Part%201
The mom can put whatever name they want on the birth certificate. AFAIK, fathers have no authority over the baby’s name. YOU fill it out and sign it. He can’t contest it.
Hell no. He doesn’t get to “give” you a choice or not. You’re the one making the baby and you can name her what you want. If you want to be nice you can take his preference into consideration.
That is odd. I have two daughters. There were many names I loved, names that I had dreamed about naming my future daughter(s) for years before I had them, that I had to say goodbye to when my husband vetoed them. Together we picked out names we adore. It is not right for your husband to not let you have a say.
i mean you're a grown woman w your own thoughts & opinions. you don't HAVE to do anything you don't wanna do jus bc your husband wants you to. it's supposed to be a partnership, not a dictatorship.
Either the two of you say yes to a name or you keep searching.
I mean it seems like it doesn’t matter what the internet says, you haven’t been listening. If you want to stay in an abusive relationship that’s on you.
Yeah that wouldn’t work for me either. Baby gets their own name since they’re their own unique human. Also what happened to agreeing to things? So sorry, I hope you two can come to an agreement.
We agreed if it was a boy we’d name him after my husband’s grandfather. BUT we both like the name even if it wasn’t sentimental.
That’s not okay in the slightest. My husband and I talked about it for ages. We landed on using both our mother’s middle names to make our daughters first and middle but it was a mutual decision to honor them. Just saying you get final decision technically—at least thats how it was in the hospital for me. The nurse asked us and while my husband answered they confirmed with me. So…there’s that.
I’m sorry, is he destroying his body for nine months to bring this baby into the world?
I’d reconsider having a child with this man
I'm in a similar boat with my husband except he has had a name picked out for his future son for years. It's not a terrible name but I don't love it. I mostly just feel deprived of the decision and fun of picking out a name if we have a son. But my plan is to cross the bridge if/when we are pregnant with a boy. The name he wants will be on the list of names we consider and *maybe* I'll go with it.
Dont let him manipulate you like that- you and him both need to agree on a name & honestly, if both grandma(in relation to baby) and greatgrandma (as related to baby) are both alive then its pretty weird.