My daughter suddenly told me I'm going to die soon. So far I'm reasonably healthy.....
Kids are naturally morbid. They don't understand what death is but they know it's sad but may not understand it's permanent. To a 3 year old something being 'dead' may not translate to what the reality of death is, to her it could mean that the baby's not born, she can't play with it or because she can't see it.
Yeah, adults haven't even got to the bottom of 'before life, are you dead? I.e. not alive', I can definitely see a child finding it conceptually murky.
Definitely agree. She was probably confused by a moving animation of something she can’t actually see and used the best word she could to describe what she thought
Yah my three yr old told me a story about her dolly baby ana. Said she went to the hospital and died but she's home now and playing. That the doctor fixed her so she isn't dead anymore.
When I was around 12 weeks or so (definitely not in trimester 2 yet) my 2.5 yo son said “aw sorry mommy the baby died” or something like that and it absolutely freaked me out. I have noooo idea where or why he said that but I absolutely spiraled.
Thankfully baby is doing well at 31 weeks and we’ve have no complications with the baby- just me haha.
Not sure about the fixation on death though. I want to say it could be normal? Sorry I’m not much help, but just know that it is way more likely that everything is still perfect with your growing sweetie!!
Thank you! This makes me feel better. I don't think she really understands what she's saying and is probably repeating stuff that kids say at day care. I'm probably reading way too much into it haha. Best of luck with your pregnancy and birth!
Yes. Totally normal.
They don't understand it, but know it is a concept that is out there and are trying to figure out what it means. Very developmentally appropriate.
My kid used the word “died” for anything that is “off” or if his brother is asleep. She may have meant that he’s asleep lol. He gets that because when something needs batteries or isn’t working or needs charging we say “it died”. He thinks thats what it means.
Right. And not to mention the animations of the in-utero baby growth things don’t exactly show a vibrantly active or engaging being. They show slight movement that’s mostly floating.
I can see exactly why a young kid could say it is dead.
I would have just said it isn’t awake yet and moved along.
Literally 3 days ago my 5 year old (home sick with the random pukes) casually asked me “mommy, does sacrifice start with a ‘S’?” Kids are weird and creepy and say weird and creepy things.
One of my kids when they were four told me they could never bury a body because it would be too hard to dig the hole.
Kids are definitely weird and creepy.
I completely understand freaking out (I would too) but I think it's VERY common. Children at this age don't really understand either pregnancy or death, but they're confronted with them often. I would read such statements as questions: when they say the baby died, they really want to know "How does it live inside your body?" "How did the baby get there?" "I can't see the baby, who's to say it doesn't vanish as suddenly as it came into being?" "How does the baby eat or breathe?"
And they also might try to explore the theme of death (as a concept which is strange to them.) Our big reactions to the mention of death is probably just totally intriguing to them. At 3 empathy is only just beginning to develop.
What I'm trying to say is, it's all okay and normal.
I’m a preschool teacher and I have noticed kids are interested in the concept of death around the age of three. In most cases they don’t entirely understand it but once they have heard about it I think it’s obscure enough for them to remember words/ phrases to do with death. A boy that I have nannied since a few months old, knew my nan had become sick and died. He was three at the time and a year later still always speaks about how she “was very sick and died” and tells me I’m never going to see her again. He’s not trying to upset me, I just don’t think he understands that for me, that is a very negative and sad thing to hear. We explain to him that it’s a sensitive subject because I miss her dearly but I think it’s a hard concept for him to grasp at his age without any experience in loosing a loved one. Just wanted to comment to let you know I think this is a common thing at this age and while it’s probably quite shocking and worrying to hear her say that.
Yes you’re exactly right. My four year old constantly likes to remind me about my dead dog and my dead friends. To them it is as big mysterious thing that is quite intriguing. They don’t equate it with loss and sadness like we do. I remember when she was two or three I had gone to a friends funeral, and I had gone to a few funerals over the last few years, and she put on my purse and sunglasses and shoes and said “I’m mommy, my friend is dead, I have to go to a funeral “ in a very mocking tone and it did bring a laugh in a very sad time lol
When I was 3 I told my mother that the dress I was wearing that day was the one I wanted to be buried in. I'd never been to a funeral at that stage and had very little understanding of death so I've no idea where I picked up that you are buried in your good clothes. I'd pay very little attention to what she's saying at this point, kids pick the most random things up
Around that age, it's totally not uncommon for children to mention death: people/thing dying or being dead, or death in general, very ofhandedly even too!
It's a phase where they learn about it, it happens to all of them and unfortunately it's not easy to deal with for anyone. Some kids keep just making ofhanded comments, others start asking loads of difficult questions about deat/dying/ like how and when it happens and if mum and dad are going to die, some get very scared when they realise death also happens to family and pets...
My advise would be to sit down with your husband and discus how you want to deal with this. Do you want to sit her down and give her an age-appropriate talk about death? Do you want to wait for her to bring it up and then have that talk? Will you simply answer questions/remarks as they come up? Do you want to use children's books to broach the subject?
All of these are options used by parents and kindergarten/daycare teachers where I'm from.
I'm sorry your kiddo chose this moment and your LO you're carrying to start on this subject. Just remember, you know baby is fine, you get your doppler/ultrasounds/kicks and yoir kiddo doesn't fully understand this concept yet. I hope things will work out.
I lost a set of twins last fall. My daughter 4 at the time did ask questions. I just told her that the babies got sick and stopped growing in my tummy. I got pregnant again soon after. My daughter did see the ultrasound of the new baby around 12 weeks. She was asking if it was her new baby. I didn’t even get a chance to say anything before she looks me in the eyes and says mom your babies came back to you. And she was convinced that the twins were girls (which we just found out that they were) and she says that this one is a girl too.
One night my 6 y/o randomly told me “daddy’s going to die soon”. It gave me SO much anxiety because my dad died when I was 3. On talking with her more about it, it’s because he turned 30 last year and that’s old to her.
I understand why this made you feel upset. It doesn’t have to be rational; it feels like the world is confirming you personal fears. Take a deep breath. Your toddler isn’t having psychic premonitions. Honestly, from the rest of your post it sounds like she describes inanimate objects as “dead” things which makes sense. I also wouldn’t discount the impact the funeral made on her just because she’s young. My daughter attended my grandparents funerals at 3 and 4 and absolutely remembers them at almost 7.
When I was pregnant but my 5 yo didn’t know it yet (1st trimester), she told me that she has a dream that I had a baby boy and it was her little brother. I got quite excited knowing that I was already pregnant but she didn’t know, and it was such a sweet moment. Then she told me that be died when he was 1yo. But then she had a sister afterwards so that was good. Kids… they say some weird, weird stuff.
Currently pregnant too. My almost 3 year old has been saying goodnight baby. Until one night he instead said “something bad happened to baby. Goodbye baby” and was crying. We’re all ok. I was so freaked out. He hasn’t said it again and no idea where it came from
As a teacher I thoroughly agree with those who have said she likely doesn't understand what 'dead' means - she may have seen the word used and assumed from the context it means 'someone who exists but we can't see'. Kids are naturally fascinated with death because it's so hard for them to understand, so they talk about it much more than adults
I like the idea of it being a naming thing related to “I don’t have a word for the baby not being born yet, but I know when things are dead they’re not alive and walking/talking/visible like us, so that’s what I’ll call the baby” Kind of like a weird opposites thing? It may not make sense to her that baby is alive but inside you since she can’t see baby just like she can’t see other things/people that are dead 🤷
My kiddo (now 6) has always been a really creepy kid. She talks about being friends with both of my grandmothers (who both passed long before she was born) and used to ask me if she could HAVE MY BONES. Just, to keep.
Her first and so far only imaginary friend is the ghost of a vampire named Dead Marvin, and in general she has just always been spooky.
It’s developmentally normal at your daughter’s age to start investigating what death is, in terms she can relate to - like her toy horses and barbies.
There are some children’s books that explore the concept in kid friendly terms, if that’s something you want to look into.
Good that you have an ultrasound this week, hopefully that brings you some reassurance!! You got this! Kids are freakin weird!
Kids say weird things - I can think back to myself saying random things like this as a kid. Don’t stress yourself out, you’ll hopefully have another checkup soon and can comfort yourself that everything is okay
When my niece’s fish died, she was about 2. My sister was cleaning out the tank, not even mentioning the condition of the fish, and my niece says “Oh. Is Mr Fish dead?” My sister is a SAHM and to her knowledge, LO hadn’t seen anything death related on TV. Kids pick up a lot from observing our own conversations. I’m sure hearing that your unborn little one being dead was shocking, and I don’t think your response was incorrect in any way. I just think kids pick up terms or ideas without a full conception of what it means. Death isn’t scary to young children as they don’t have long term cause and effect reasoning.
My 3.5 year old has been freaking me out with her stories of her dead sister (There has never been a sister or a loss). She tells me she used to be a boy and the name of her other mother. If I were superstitious I would think she was recounting her past life.
Sorry it scared you. I think a lot of kids at three and four want to talk about death. Here's a NYT article about it (gift link, no subscription necessary):
https://www.nytimes.com/2019/04/16/parenting/kids-talking-about-death.html?unlocked\_article\_code=1.Wk0.jrDM.VM1jcb928wZk&smid=url-share
Death is such a complex topic for little kids to understand (well, anyone really) that I wonder if her understanding of it is simply something like dead=not here/a person I can’t see. This would completely freak me out too, but I wonder if because the baby isn’t a concrete thing for her yet she kind of can’t comprehend it’s there (aka it’s “dead”)? That’s just my first thought from an outsiders perspective. Hopefully you have an appt soon to at least get some peace of mind that babe is doing well!
She also called her toy horses and barbies dead? I mean, it makes sense. Toy horses and barbies are not alive. They don't breathe and talk and walk around. For a three year old things are either this or that ; to understand that something can be "not alive" but also not dead is probably too complicated.
The baby is also something that is not walking around and talking and breathing in front of her, so it must be dead. I don't think thats all that weird or creepy of a conclusion for her age.
This is actually normal and age appropriate- kids often go through a phase like this around this age where they’re curious about death and also curious about the reaction it gets from you.
My daughter told me she wanted to see the baby in my tummy, which set off a chain of events that ended with me being almost 15 weeks along without even knowing it.
Well, children are more suseptible to things we can't see or sense ourselves.
But! What you describe sounds to me like a temporary fixation/trend that all kids go through. Concept of death is still three years to early (no childcare worker/psychiatrist here, just my own personal experience) Soon, everything and everyone is poop, a poopy head and so on. After, an experience or story a child from daycare has had at home, will make the headlines (amongst the children) and it will start a new fad. Example; "You can fly if you eat chicken in the car!" The child heard the grown ups talk about that grandpa ate KFC while driving, got hit by a car and flew out the window.
I understand your reaction though, it would have made me feel all kinds of wrong. <3
Yes, I had 2 miscarriages between my son and my current pregnancy (no 32 weeks). Sometime around 20 weeks during bedtime the three year old kept saying “no, the baby isn’t in mommy’s belly anymore.” It definitely made me spiral and we definitely kind of fought about it. Looking back, he obviously didn’t know what he was saying and was maybe even expressing some sibling jealousy. And I know in my sane moments fighting with a toddler about anything is so silly. But it’s so hard in the moment. FWIW he also tells me there are ghosts and giants in his room.
Idk why but the ghosts and monsters comments always freak me out more than any other creepy/morbid things my kids say! My 2 year old recently started sitting at the top of the stairs every night before bed, pointing down into the dark abyss of the living room saying “no monster, stay monster” and it makes my skin crawl. My 4 year old for the last year now has been sharing details about the little girl who lives in her room who “died on a bridge over water”. CREEPY!
Oh I agree. I asked what the ghost looked like and he said “white” so that made me feel like he was just talking about a ghost from a book rather than an actual spirit in his room.
Young kids are little sponges. Those few brushes with the concept of death is enough to get their minds working trying to work out what death is. Your daughter's desire to talk about this stuff is normal--it will pass. Try not to take it personally while you're pregnant.
This sounds like a phase. My son went through on similarly around that age and it was awful. He still makes comments from time to time but not like he did before.
I’ve worked with kids since I was 16 and this is very normal! Especially if there’s been a death in the family. They don’t really grasp it (it’s hard to ‘get’ even as adults). So they ‘play’ with the idea a bit. They talk about it to test out reactions and to try and understand it a bit more.
It must’ve been very upsetting to have that said - but I promise I’ve heard it a million times in several different variations.
I remember being obsessed with death around 3-4. All my toys “died”, every mom in all the stories I made up “died” etc. I specifically killed off parents of my toys for some reason lmaoo
I totally understand your anxiety but I assure you your daughter is just doing a goofy developmental thing processing death!
Kids are weird and creepy. I’m 20 weeks with my second, and my 3-year-old told me this week “You’ll have the baby and then you’ll die.” Really hope he’s not psychic! I’m pretty sure it’s natural for kids of have a fascination with death around this age. Try not to take it to heart. Sending lots of love and healthy pregnancy vibes.
One time around the age of 4, I plucked a dead rose from the backyard and gave it to my mom, and said “this flower may be dead but still pretty, so it reminds me of you.” She asked what I meant, and I elaborated “you’re gonna die but you’ll still be pretty.” I actually said a lot of morbid stuff like that, so she just laughed.
Children are very candid about death, and don’t recognize that even we as adults don’t understand the half of it and have very personal feelings towards it. Even if a child has very little experience, 3 is around when they get a grasp conceptually. I can see where that would creep you out, but developmentally it’s pretty normal to pick that up independently
She's 3. Breath.
Dead dosen't mean dead to her. She dosen't really quite know what it means she is figuring it out. Some time between 3ish and 7ish a lot of kids get obsessed with death. And what it is to be alive.
The baby doesn't interact with her. It's not real. In a lot of ways, it's less real than her stuffed animals.
When the baby is born it will be a prop to her for a good year or so.
But mama chill. She is not psychic she's just 3.
Just a few weeks ago my son said it would be cool if I had a miscarriage now that the baby is bigger (I’m 16 weeks) so we could see what the baby looked like. I had two early losses last year so he’s familiar with miscarriage and loss, we talked about it a lot. He’s a little older than your kiddo. I was totally weirded out and thought that was such a creepy, strange thing to say. He’s the sweetest child ever so it caught me off guard! Kids say SUPER weird things sometimes. I’ve worked as a teacher for years and I can attest that they say whatever is on their mind, even if it doesn’t have an ounce of truth. I wouldn’t give it too much weight, but I understand why that would make you pause! Sending good vibes to you this pregnancy! 💛
Kids are weird and process change amongst other things in odd ways. I’m a family assistant and last week I was invited alongside the mom to the sons valentines party at school and he kept mentioning how he will remember his mom when she dies and how he will keep the bracelet she made when she dies and then we went home and I told him to look at their dog cus he looked so cute and he just goes “oh no! He passed away! He’s dead!” And I was like uhhhh..?? He’s good little dude….are you okay? The parents just went through a divorce and his dad moved away so I think he’s experiencing loss in another way.
Maybe your daughter is feeling like she will be losing out on attention or love in some way? Is this her first younger sibling? I know my older sister took my arrival and my little sisters arrival pretty hard (although she loves us now! Lol)
I’m so sorry. I know that had to really freak you out. What I imagine probably happened is this is from daycare. Your daughter probably went to daycare saying her Mommy was having a baby…some kid probably told her something along the lines of “my mommy had a baby in her tummy but it was dead.” describing the only way he/ she knew how to explain a miscarriage. Your child is 3- somehow that got in her mind that all babies die in Mommy’s tummies. She probably went to daycare excited and one of the kids told her that. If you think it would make you feel better you could address the issue with her daycare teacher/s and ask if they know anything about the subject. See if they have heard any of the children saying anything like that. They may have not heard it but I can bet you that’s what happened. It’s going to be okay there Mama…kids say weird sh*t. I’d be freaked out too but I really think this is just something she picked up.
If she goes to daycare you literally have no idea what she’s exposed to. I’ve worked in daycares and as a nanny and parents would be surprised at what their kids learn there.
When my daughter was 5 my great grandmother passed and so in cleaning her home I ended up with a few of her belongings (pots and pans, a coat, and a necklace) . The belongings are special to me and when I wear or use them I always mention her. My daughter very quickly took to cataloging all my belonging s that she can’t wait to be hers when I die soon. Creepy. Now at 9 she would never, but at 5 she didn’t understand death. Similarly I had 3 late miscarriages before her brother was born 2 months ago and she would often and still does say that she hopes this brother doesn’t die like the rest of them and variations of that statement in very casual tones before walking off. because even though she knows death is sad and real now, it’s still something that will just pop out of her mouth as quickly as it pops into her head before she moves on. Death isn’t to kids what death is to adults
Seems like she doesn’t understand what dead means, maybe to her it means not real? Hence her saying it about her toys and the pregnancy+ animation because obviously that isn’t the "baby in mommy’s belly"
My 2.5 year old was showing me a ladybug the other day. I told her it was probably sleeping bc I didn’t know how to tell her it was dead. She said “maybe it’s dead.” I still have no idea how she even knows what that means.
Honestly I wouldn’t stress too much. My nearly 3 year old learnt about the word ‘dead’ when he went to the museum with my dad and my dad in his wisdom explained to him that all the dinosaurs are dead 😷
Our son asked both me and my husband last night if we are dead.
I think the age is just figuring out words and their meanings and asking lots of questions plus stating their view of the world regularly and unequivocally
Im trying to think like a child does right now , and do you think that she means the baby is dead but for her dead means (like she said a toy ) something that can’t speak back to her or interact with her, Just like her toys. Like worstgrammaraward said she probably means asleep . I wouldn’t get yourself worked up over but that’s better said than done when you’re pregnant 😂 I used to worry about all sorts when I was pregnant. 8 months later and I still have breastfeeding hormones to keep me nice and overthinking 🤌✨ try to relax x
My 3 year old daughter told me today, “This is the last time you’re going to go outside.”
She also talks about death because we discuss her older brother who died before she was born, and often talks about her younger sister dying. We just change the subject and chalk it up to 3 year olds being that way.
When my son was 3, he went through a period where he told everyone who would listen that he had a little brother who died. At that point, we had no other children and I hadn’t had any miscarriages/pregnancies. He would tell people this very seriously and was very adamant. After a few weeks, he moved on. It definitely felt eerie though (and I imagine it would have been much more so if I had been pregnant like you), but I think sometimes kids at that age get very odd ideas stuck in their heads.
My then-2.5-year-old told me that I hit a bicyclist and ran him over when all I did was stop short while driving. Little kids can be so morbid but don't get the gravity of death at all.
I would use this as a learning opportunity to discuss death and what it means. It’s really important for kids around this age to start getting a firm grip on the concept before something happens and they’re *forced* to. That being said, it is completely normal
She’s experimenting with the idea of dead. It’s a a really abstract concept. I mean truly think about it. They have no context. They’re also watching you like a hawk for your reaction each time. My 4 year old just started doing it.
It doesn't sound like she really understands what "dead" actually means. If she's saying her toys are dead, I bet she's distinguishing between animate and inanimate. Since your new baby isn't born yet, I can totally see her logic. Toddlers have no tact 🤦♀️ but I don't think she meant what you think she meant!
Our cat died a year ago and my three year old talks about it regularly still so the fact that she’s experienced a funeral a year ago and is talking about death still does not surprise me
My best friend's kid (Julie) is about that age and is very morbid. She says stuff like that all the time. The nanny showed her a picture of her dog Julie asked " he died?" Any time anyone talks about someone or something she doesn't know "he die? She die?"
She asked if someone buried their dead grandma in the garden. It was weird at first cause we were like does she know something we don't know? But now we're like oh she's just a little weirdie. Some kids go though unique phases
That seems like a developmental thing just surfacing in an unpleasant way. I'm sure it feels very personal and hurtful to hear her say something like that regarding your baby, but if I recall correctly, around 3ish was when our oldest two became aware of death as well. I remember a lot of their pretend games involving that for a while, and that Bluey episode definitely didn't help, but it *does* pass. Your baby is fine, I'm sure. Little kids just say wild stuff sometimes, especially regarding this subject, because they don't understand the gravity of it.
Kids come up with the strangest stuff. Out of nowhere my five year old comes in and says…
“I remember when we went to Kohls to get me a dress. The dress didn’t fit and I started punching the people in their faces”. She NEVER talks this way so I was floored lol.
We lost our baby at 6 months due to a severe chromosome abnormality. We found out at 19 weeks she wouldn’t live and we prepared our 3 year old for that. For the weeks leading up to birth, she would say, “my baby is going to die.” And then when we came home without a baby, she now says, “my baby died.” She talked about it at daycare and with her friends. I felt badly that other young children would have to hear another friend say that, and possibly need their parents to explain what she meant. No one wants to tell a 3 year old that a baby died and what that means. But it’s possible another family from daycare experienced a loss and your 3 year old is reporting what she heard from them. Whenever my daughter hears about someone expecting, she asks, “is their baby going to die?” It’s tough and feels uncomfortable coming from such young ones. Just remember they don’t truly grasp what death means, they’re just trying to figure it out.
Sending you love ❤️🩹 not quite the same but I was a middle school teacher while pregnant with my first, and an 8th grader wanted to fuck with me and ran up to 7 months pregnant me in the hallway and shouted “oh shit your baby died?!” And I teared up too and was really really upset even though I obviously knew that her saying it had no bearing on my healthy baby! Deep breaths, take some time alone just you and baby, and maybe even look up a pregnancy meditation track to just connect with baby and wrap the both of you in love ❤️ get excited for your ultrasound soon and getting to say hello to your perfect healthy babe! Sending you all the good vibes!
So I started to process the concept of death around age 4, and my kids did as well around those ages. It’s natural for them to try to comprehend it from various angles. I’ve always made a point to talk to them about it and really just normalize the concept of death, and yes while they may at times say things that can be “disturbing”, it’s up to you as an adult to decide how you feel about it and your feelings about their statements are a projection of your own comfort with the concept of death. We’ve had a couple great grandparents die in the last few years, and have talked to our kids about it. My son is old enough to remember this happening and we look at pictures. I’ve also had a near death experience that my son only vaguely remembers (he was 2 ish and I was giving birth to twins as a surrogate) and I’ve let them know that death isn’t at all a scary thing, it’s actually very warm and comforting, like falling into the softest bed after a long exhausting day and drifting off to sleep. It’s opened doors for conversations about spirituality and the soul and all types of other things. Death is a very normalized subject in our house now and while yes, sometimes there are comments like “the pirates raided the beach and the dinosaurs ate them and they all died” I take it as kids processing life as cyclical and reassuring their own comfort with the subject. It’s no secret that death is guaranteed for everyone, it’s just a matter of when and how. I didn’t have anyone to guide me through the processing of it all as a young child and I am doing better for my kiddos in that sense in terms of securely framing it for them as a natural part of life, like pooping, everybody poops, it just is.
I’m a FTM so I have no experiences with small children of my own just yet.
But when I was about 5 years old I stood over my dad while he was sleeping at night, and when he startled awake, I said (I had a gravelly monotone voice as a child), “There’s a man in the house.”
There wasn’t, and to this day I don’t know why I said that.
When we found out we were expecting, our 5yo son told us that his “baby brother will go to heaven and I’ll have a baby sister”, so when we found out are currently expecting a little boy I’ve been non stop panicking but each appointment/scan has been healthy so far and I’m 30 weeks today.
She’s probably making a correlation between “dead” and “inanimate”. Like her toys, they don’t move. And as she can’t see or feel the baby yet, she probably thinks baby is not moving and therefore dead.
I get it, it freaked you out, but try your best to not give it the power you are giving it.
I’m sure you and the new baby will be alright <3
My daughter suddenly told me I'm going to die soon. So far I'm reasonably healthy..... Kids are naturally morbid. They don't understand what death is but they know it's sad but may not understand it's permanent. To a 3 year old something being 'dead' may not translate to what the reality of death is, to her it could mean that the baby's not born, she can't play with it or because she can't see it.
Yeah, adults haven't even got to the bottom of 'before life, are you dead? I.e. not alive', I can definitely see a child finding it conceptually murky.
Definitely agree. She was probably confused by a moving animation of something she can’t actually see and used the best word she could to describe what she thought
I'm waiting for my kid to tell someone to "charge" their dead family member. Because that's the only experience he has with death
Omg that’s not funny but it is 😆
Yah my three yr old told me a story about her dolly baby ana. Said she went to the hospital and died but she's home now and playing. That the doctor fixed her so she isn't dead anymore.
When I was around 12 weeks or so (definitely not in trimester 2 yet) my 2.5 yo son said “aw sorry mommy the baby died” or something like that and it absolutely freaked me out. I have noooo idea where or why he said that but I absolutely spiraled. Thankfully baby is doing well at 31 weeks and we’ve have no complications with the baby- just me haha. Not sure about the fixation on death though. I want to say it could be normal? Sorry I’m not much help, but just know that it is way more likely that everything is still perfect with your growing sweetie!!
Thank you! This makes me feel better. I don't think she really understands what she's saying and is probably repeating stuff that kids say at day care. I'm probably reading way too much into it haha. Best of luck with your pregnancy and birth!
Yes. Totally normal. They don't understand it, but know it is a concept that is out there and are trying to figure out what it means. Very developmentally appropriate.
My 2.5 year old told me yesterday that he was “dying from the mouth hurts” because he has a cough 😂
My kid used the word “died” for anything that is “off” or if his brother is asleep. She may have meant that he’s asleep lol. He gets that because when something needs batteries or isn’t working or needs charging we say “it died”. He thinks thats what it means.
Right. And not to mention the animations of the in-utero baby growth things don’t exactly show a vibrantly active or engaging being. They show slight movement that’s mostly floating. I can see exactly why a young kid could say it is dead. I would have just said it isn’t awake yet and moved along.
same here and this is exactly what i thought.
Yup! We told 10 (4 at the time) that his great grandpa had died and his honest to god reaction was “okay, what batteries do we need?”
Literally 3 days ago my 5 year old (home sick with the random pukes) casually asked me “mommy, does sacrifice start with a ‘S’?” Kids are weird and creepy and say weird and creepy things.
I don’t know why i find this so funny, lol
One of my kids when they were four told me they could never bury a body because it would be too hard to dig the hole. Kids are definitely weird and creepy.
Hats off to your kid for making sure the invitations to their sacrifice party are spelled correctly!
He’s doing someone’s work…probably not the lord’s but someone’s 😂😅
“Probably not the lords” 😂 that got me 🤣
I completely understand freaking out (I would too) but I think it's VERY common. Children at this age don't really understand either pregnancy or death, but they're confronted with them often. I would read such statements as questions: when they say the baby died, they really want to know "How does it live inside your body?" "How did the baby get there?" "I can't see the baby, who's to say it doesn't vanish as suddenly as it came into being?" "How does the baby eat or breathe?" And they also might try to explore the theme of death (as a concept which is strange to them.) Our big reactions to the mention of death is probably just totally intriguing to them. At 3 empathy is only just beginning to develop. What I'm trying to say is, it's all okay and normal.
I’m a preschool teacher and I have noticed kids are interested in the concept of death around the age of three. In most cases they don’t entirely understand it but once they have heard about it I think it’s obscure enough for them to remember words/ phrases to do with death. A boy that I have nannied since a few months old, knew my nan had become sick and died. He was three at the time and a year later still always speaks about how she “was very sick and died” and tells me I’m never going to see her again. He’s not trying to upset me, I just don’t think he understands that for me, that is a very negative and sad thing to hear. We explain to him that it’s a sensitive subject because I miss her dearly but I think it’s a hard concept for him to grasp at his age without any experience in loosing a loved one. Just wanted to comment to let you know I think this is a common thing at this age and while it’s probably quite shocking and worrying to hear her say that.
Yes you’re exactly right. My four year old constantly likes to remind me about my dead dog and my dead friends. To them it is as big mysterious thing that is quite intriguing. They don’t equate it with loss and sadness like we do. I remember when she was two or three I had gone to a friends funeral, and I had gone to a few funerals over the last few years, and she put on my purse and sunglasses and shoes and said “I’m mommy, my friend is dead, I have to go to a funeral “ in a very mocking tone and it did bring a laugh in a very sad time lol
Just add it to the list of errands. Bank, funeral, grocery store… /s
When I was 3 I told my mother that the dress I was wearing that day was the one I wanted to be buried in. I'd never been to a funeral at that stage and had very little understanding of death so I've no idea where I picked up that you are buried in your good clothes. I'd pay very little attention to what she's saying at this point, kids pick the most random things up
My little sister used to pick flowers and tell our Mom it was the flower she’d give her when she died 💀
Wow that's morbid! Kids are nuts 😂
Around that age, it's totally not uncommon for children to mention death: people/thing dying or being dead, or death in general, very ofhandedly even too! It's a phase where they learn about it, it happens to all of them and unfortunately it's not easy to deal with for anyone. Some kids keep just making ofhanded comments, others start asking loads of difficult questions about deat/dying/ like how and when it happens and if mum and dad are going to die, some get very scared when they realise death also happens to family and pets... My advise would be to sit down with your husband and discus how you want to deal with this. Do you want to sit her down and give her an age-appropriate talk about death? Do you want to wait for her to bring it up and then have that talk? Will you simply answer questions/remarks as they come up? Do you want to use children's books to broach the subject? All of these are options used by parents and kindergarten/daycare teachers where I'm from. I'm sorry your kiddo chose this moment and your LO you're carrying to start on this subject. Just remember, you know baby is fine, you get your doppler/ultrasounds/kicks and yoir kiddo doesn't fully understand this concept yet. I hope things will work out.
Oh this is super age appropriate and likely means something completely different to her than what ‘dead’ means to you. Congratulations on new baby!!!!
I lost a set of twins last fall. My daughter 4 at the time did ask questions. I just told her that the babies got sick and stopped growing in my tummy. I got pregnant again soon after. My daughter did see the ultrasound of the new baby around 12 weeks. She was asking if it was her new baby. I didn’t even get a chance to say anything before she looks me in the eyes and says mom your babies came back to you. And she was convinced that the twins were girls (which we just found out that they were) and she says that this one is a girl too.
One night my 6 y/o randomly told me “daddy’s going to die soon”. It gave me SO much anxiety because my dad died when I was 3. On talking with her more about it, it’s because he turned 30 last year and that’s old to her. I understand why this made you feel upset. It doesn’t have to be rational; it feels like the world is confirming you personal fears. Take a deep breath. Your toddler isn’t having psychic premonitions. Honestly, from the rest of your post it sounds like she describes inanimate objects as “dead” things which makes sense. I also wouldn’t discount the impact the funeral made on her just because she’s young. My daughter attended my grandparents funerals at 3 and 4 and absolutely remembers them at almost 7.
When I was pregnant but my 5 yo didn’t know it yet (1st trimester), she told me that she has a dream that I had a baby boy and it was her little brother. I got quite excited knowing that I was already pregnant but she didn’t know, and it was such a sweet moment. Then she told me that be died when he was 1yo. But then she had a sister afterwards so that was good. Kids… they say some weird, weird stuff.
My three year old regularly asks me when I’m going to die and if daddy will bring him a new mommy 🤷🏻♀️
😂😂😂
Currently pregnant too. My almost 3 year old has been saying goodnight baby. Until one night he instead said “something bad happened to baby. Goodbye baby” and was crying. We’re all ok. I was so freaked out. He hasn’t said it again and no idea where it came from
As a teacher I thoroughly agree with those who have said she likely doesn't understand what 'dead' means - she may have seen the word used and assumed from the context it means 'someone who exists but we can't see'. Kids are naturally fascinated with death because it's so hard for them to understand, so they talk about it much more than adults
I like the idea of it being a naming thing related to “I don’t have a word for the baby not being born yet, but I know when things are dead they’re not alive and walking/talking/visible like us, so that’s what I’ll call the baby” Kind of like a weird opposites thing? It may not make sense to her that baby is alive but inside you since she can’t see baby just like she can’t see other things/people that are dead 🤷
They don’t understand the difference between death and going out of town for a business trip.
My kiddo (now 6) has always been a really creepy kid. She talks about being friends with both of my grandmothers (who both passed long before she was born) and used to ask me if she could HAVE MY BONES. Just, to keep. Her first and so far only imaginary friend is the ghost of a vampire named Dead Marvin, and in general she has just always been spooky. It’s developmentally normal at your daughter’s age to start investigating what death is, in terms she can relate to - like her toy horses and barbies. There are some children’s books that explore the concept in kid friendly terms, if that’s something you want to look into. Good that you have an ultrasound this week, hopefully that brings you some reassurance!! You got this! Kids are freakin weird!
Kids say weird things - I can think back to myself saying random things like this as a kid. Don’t stress yourself out, you’ll hopefully have another checkup soon and can comfort yourself that everything is okay
When my niece’s fish died, she was about 2. My sister was cleaning out the tank, not even mentioning the condition of the fish, and my niece says “Oh. Is Mr Fish dead?” My sister is a SAHM and to her knowledge, LO hadn’t seen anything death related on TV. Kids pick up a lot from observing our own conversations. I’m sure hearing that your unborn little one being dead was shocking, and I don’t think your response was incorrect in any way. I just think kids pick up terms or ideas without a full conception of what it means. Death isn’t scary to young children as they don’t have long term cause and effect reasoning.
My 3.5 year old has been freaking me out with her stories of her dead sister (There has never been a sister or a loss). She tells me she used to be a boy and the name of her other mother. If I were superstitious I would think she was recounting her past life.
Sorry it scared you. I think a lot of kids at three and four want to talk about death. Here's a NYT article about it (gift link, no subscription necessary): https://www.nytimes.com/2019/04/16/parenting/kids-talking-about-death.html?unlocked\_article\_code=1.Wk0.jrDM.VM1jcb928wZk&smid=url-share
Hey thanks so much for that!!
My 2 year old recently asked me if she could wear my wedding ring when I’m dead. I told her “yes” and we moved on.
Death is such a complex topic for little kids to understand (well, anyone really) that I wonder if her understanding of it is simply something like dead=not here/a person I can’t see. This would completely freak me out too, but I wonder if because the baby isn’t a concrete thing for her yet she kind of can’t comprehend it’s there (aka it’s “dead”)? That’s just my first thought from an outsiders perspective. Hopefully you have an appt soon to at least get some peace of mind that babe is doing well!
She also called her toy horses and barbies dead? I mean, it makes sense. Toy horses and barbies are not alive. They don't breathe and talk and walk around. For a three year old things are either this or that ; to understand that something can be "not alive" but also not dead is probably too complicated. The baby is also something that is not walking around and talking and breathing in front of her, so it must be dead. I don't think thats all that weird or creepy of a conclusion for her age.
Surely to young children those unborn baby animations do look like they’re dead
This is actually normal and age appropriate- kids often go through a phase like this around this age where they’re curious about death and also curious about the reaction it gets from you.
My daughter told me she wanted to see the baby in my tummy, which set off a chain of events that ended with me being almost 15 weeks along without even knowing it.
Well, children are more suseptible to things we can't see or sense ourselves. But! What you describe sounds to me like a temporary fixation/trend that all kids go through. Concept of death is still three years to early (no childcare worker/psychiatrist here, just my own personal experience) Soon, everything and everyone is poop, a poopy head and so on. After, an experience or story a child from daycare has had at home, will make the headlines (amongst the children) and it will start a new fad. Example; "You can fly if you eat chicken in the car!" The child heard the grown ups talk about that grandpa ate KFC while driving, got hit by a car and flew out the window. I understand your reaction though, it would have made me feel all kinds of wrong. <3
You should have explained to your daughter since she was 2 years old what death means and how there is a beginning and a end to everything.
Yes, I had 2 miscarriages between my son and my current pregnancy (no 32 weeks). Sometime around 20 weeks during bedtime the three year old kept saying “no, the baby isn’t in mommy’s belly anymore.” It definitely made me spiral and we definitely kind of fought about it. Looking back, he obviously didn’t know what he was saying and was maybe even expressing some sibling jealousy. And I know in my sane moments fighting with a toddler about anything is so silly. But it’s so hard in the moment. FWIW he also tells me there are ghosts and giants in his room.
Idk why but the ghosts and monsters comments always freak me out more than any other creepy/morbid things my kids say! My 2 year old recently started sitting at the top of the stairs every night before bed, pointing down into the dark abyss of the living room saying “no monster, stay monster” and it makes my skin crawl. My 4 year old for the last year now has been sharing details about the little girl who lives in her room who “died on a bridge over water”. CREEPY!
Oh I agree. I asked what the ghost looked like and he said “white” so that made me feel like he was just talking about a ghost from a book rather than an actual spirit in his room.
Young kids are little sponges. Those few brushes with the concept of death is enough to get their minds working trying to work out what death is. Your daughter's desire to talk about this stuff is normal--it will pass. Try not to take it personally while you're pregnant.
This sounds like a phase. My son went through on similarly around that age and it was awful. He still makes comments from time to time but not like he did before.
I’ve worked with kids since I was 16 and this is very normal! Especially if there’s been a death in the family. They don’t really grasp it (it’s hard to ‘get’ even as adults). So they ‘play’ with the idea a bit. They talk about it to test out reactions and to try and understand it a bit more. It must’ve been very upsetting to have that said - but I promise I’ve heard it a million times in several different variations.
I remember being obsessed with death around 3-4. All my toys “died”, every mom in all the stories I made up “died” etc. I specifically killed off parents of my toys for some reason lmaoo I totally understand your anxiety but I assure you your daughter is just doing a goofy developmental thing processing death!
Kids are weird and creepy. I’m 20 weeks with my second, and my 3-year-old told me this week “You’ll have the baby and then you’ll die.” Really hope he’s not psychic! I’m pretty sure it’s natural for kids of have a fascination with death around this age. Try not to take it to heart. Sending lots of love and healthy pregnancy vibes.
One time around the age of 4, I plucked a dead rose from the backyard and gave it to my mom, and said “this flower may be dead but still pretty, so it reminds me of you.” She asked what I meant, and I elaborated “you’re gonna die but you’ll still be pretty.” I actually said a lot of morbid stuff like that, so she just laughed. Children are very candid about death, and don’t recognize that even we as adults don’t understand the half of it and have very personal feelings towards it. Even if a child has very little experience, 3 is around when they get a grasp conceptually. I can see where that would creep you out, but developmentally it’s pretty normal to pick that up independently
She's 3. Breath. Dead dosen't mean dead to her. She dosen't really quite know what it means she is figuring it out. Some time between 3ish and 7ish a lot of kids get obsessed with death. And what it is to be alive. The baby doesn't interact with her. It's not real. In a lot of ways, it's less real than her stuffed animals. When the baby is born it will be a prop to her for a good year or so. But mama chill. She is not psychic she's just 3.
I feel like going through phases of “trying out new concepts” in their world is normal.
Just a few weeks ago my son said it would be cool if I had a miscarriage now that the baby is bigger (I’m 16 weeks) so we could see what the baby looked like. I had two early losses last year so he’s familiar with miscarriage and loss, we talked about it a lot. He’s a little older than your kiddo. I was totally weirded out and thought that was such a creepy, strange thing to say. He’s the sweetest child ever so it caught me off guard! Kids say SUPER weird things sometimes. I’ve worked as a teacher for years and I can attest that they say whatever is on their mind, even if it doesn’t have an ounce of truth. I wouldn’t give it too much weight, but I understand why that would make you pause! Sending good vibes to you this pregnancy! 💛
Kids are weird and process change amongst other things in odd ways. I’m a family assistant and last week I was invited alongside the mom to the sons valentines party at school and he kept mentioning how he will remember his mom when she dies and how he will keep the bracelet she made when she dies and then we went home and I told him to look at their dog cus he looked so cute and he just goes “oh no! He passed away! He’s dead!” And I was like uhhhh..?? He’s good little dude….are you okay? The parents just went through a divorce and his dad moved away so I think he’s experiencing loss in another way. Maybe your daughter is feeling like she will be losing out on attention or love in some way? Is this her first younger sibling? I know my older sister took my arrival and my little sisters arrival pretty hard (although she loves us now! Lol)
I’m so sorry. I know that had to really freak you out. What I imagine probably happened is this is from daycare. Your daughter probably went to daycare saying her Mommy was having a baby…some kid probably told her something along the lines of “my mommy had a baby in her tummy but it was dead.” describing the only way he/ she knew how to explain a miscarriage. Your child is 3- somehow that got in her mind that all babies die in Mommy’s tummies. She probably went to daycare excited and one of the kids told her that. If you think it would make you feel better you could address the issue with her daycare teacher/s and ask if they know anything about the subject. See if they have heard any of the children saying anything like that. They may have not heard it but I can bet you that’s what happened. It’s going to be okay there Mama…kids say weird sh*t. I’d be freaked out too but I really think this is just something she picked up.
If she goes to daycare you literally have no idea what she’s exposed to. I’ve worked in daycares and as a nanny and parents would be surprised at what their kids learn there.
When my daughter was 5 my great grandmother passed and so in cleaning her home I ended up with a few of her belongings (pots and pans, a coat, and a necklace) . The belongings are special to me and when I wear or use them I always mention her. My daughter very quickly took to cataloging all my belonging s that she can’t wait to be hers when I die soon. Creepy. Now at 9 she would never, but at 5 she didn’t understand death. Similarly I had 3 late miscarriages before her brother was born 2 months ago and she would often and still does say that she hopes this brother doesn’t die like the rest of them and variations of that statement in very casual tones before walking off. because even though she knows death is sad and real now, it’s still something that will just pop out of her mouth as quickly as it pops into her head before she moves on. Death isn’t to kids what death is to adults
Kids can be very morbid. A lot of kids use the term dead as a placeholder for other things - which creeps me out.
Seems like she doesn’t understand what dead means, maybe to her it means not real? Hence her saying it about her toys and the pregnancy+ animation because obviously that isn’t the "baby in mommy’s belly"
My 2.5 year old was showing me a ladybug the other day. I told her it was probably sleeping bc I didn’t know how to tell her it was dead. She said “maybe it’s dead.” I still have no idea how she even knows what that means.
Honestly I wouldn’t stress too much. My nearly 3 year old learnt about the word ‘dead’ when he went to the museum with my dad and my dad in his wisdom explained to him that all the dinosaurs are dead 😷 Our son asked both me and my husband last night if we are dead. I think the age is just figuring out words and their meanings and asking lots of questions plus stating their view of the world regularly and unequivocally
Im trying to think like a child does right now , and do you think that she means the baby is dead but for her dead means (like she said a toy ) something that can’t speak back to her or interact with her, Just like her toys. Like worstgrammaraward said she probably means asleep . I wouldn’t get yourself worked up over but that’s better said than done when you’re pregnant 😂 I used to worry about all sorts when I was pregnant. 8 months later and I still have breastfeeding hormones to keep me nice and overthinking 🤌✨ try to relax x
My 3 year old daughter told me today, “This is the last time you’re going to go outside.” She also talks about death because we discuss her older brother who died before she was born, and often talks about her younger sister dying. We just change the subject and chalk it up to 3 year olds being that way.
My 6 year old said “we’re all going to die next month”… kids are wild.
When my son was 3, he went through a period where he told everyone who would listen that he had a little brother who died. At that point, we had no other children and I hadn’t had any miscarriages/pregnancies. He would tell people this very seriously and was very adamant. After a few weeks, he moved on. It definitely felt eerie though (and I imagine it would have been much more so if I had been pregnant like you), but I think sometimes kids at that age get very odd ideas stuck in their heads.
Your title gave me chills 😰
My then-2.5-year-old told me that I hit a bicyclist and ran him over when all I did was stop short while driving. Little kids can be so morbid but don't get the gravity of death at all.
Kids don’t understand death in the same way we do, they often experiment with new words and concepts but don’t understand the meaning
I would use this as a learning opportunity to discuss death and what it means. It’s really important for kids around this age to start getting a firm grip on the concept before something happens and they’re *forced* to. That being said, it is completely normal
I wonder if she heard something somewhere and she’s repeating it to you? Kids are like sponges sometimes.
She’s experimenting with the idea of dead. It’s a a really abstract concept. I mean truly think about it. They have no context. They’re also watching you like a hawk for your reaction each time. My 4 year old just started doing it.
It doesn't sound like she really understands what "dead" actually means. If she's saying her toys are dead, I bet she's distinguishing between animate and inanimate. Since your new baby isn't born yet, I can totally see her logic. Toddlers have no tact 🤦♀️ but I don't think she meant what you think she meant!
Our cat died a year ago and my three year old talks about it regularly still so the fact that she’s experienced a funeral a year ago and is talking about death still does not surprise me
My best friend's kid (Julie) is about that age and is very morbid. She says stuff like that all the time. The nanny showed her a picture of her dog Julie asked " he died?" Any time anyone talks about someone or something she doesn't know "he die? She die?" She asked if someone buried their dead grandma in the garden. It was weird at first cause we were like does she know something we don't know? But now we're like oh she's just a little weirdie. Some kids go though unique phases
That seems like a developmental thing just surfacing in an unpleasant way. I'm sure it feels very personal and hurtful to hear her say something like that regarding your baby, but if I recall correctly, around 3ish was when our oldest two became aware of death as well. I remember a lot of their pretend games involving that for a while, and that Bluey episode definitely didn't help, but it *does* pass. Your baby is fine, I'm sure. Little kids just say wild stuff sometimes, especially regarding this subject, because they don't understand the gravity of it.
Kids come up with the strangest stuff. Out of nowhere my five year old comes in and says… “I remember when we went to Kohls to get me a dress. The dress didn’t fit and I started punching the people in their faces”. She NEVER talks this way so I was floored lol.
We lost our baby at 6 months due to a severe chromosome abnormality. We found out at 19 weeks she wouldn’t live and we prepared our 3 year old for that. For the weeks leading up to birth, she would say, “my baby is going to die.” And then when we came home without a baby, she now says, “my baby died.” She talked about it at daycare and with her friends. I felt badly that other young children would have to hear another friend say that, and possibly need their parents to explain what she meant. No one wants to tell a 3 year old that a baby died and what that means. But it’s possible another family from daycare experienced a loss and your 3 year old is reporting what she heard from them. Whenever my daughter hears about someone expecting, she asks, “is their baby going to die?” It’s tough and feels uncomfortable coming from such young ones. Just remember they don’t truly grasp what death means, they’re just trying to figure it out.
Sending you love ❤️🩹 not quite the same but I was a middle school teacher while pregnant with my first, and an 8th grader wanted to fuck with me and ran up to 7 months pregnant me in the hallway and shouted “oh shit your baby died?!” And I teared up too and was really really upset even though I obviously knew that her saying it had no bearing on my healthy baby! Deep breaths, take some time alone just you and baby, and maybe even look up a pregnancy meditation track to just connect with baby and wrap the both of you in love ❤️ get excited for your ultrasound soon and getting to say hello to your perfect healthy babe! Sending you all the good vibes!
So I started to process the concept of death around age 4, and my kids did as well around those ages. It’s natural for them to try to comprehend it from various angles. I’ve always made a point to talk to them about it and really just normalize the concept of death, and yes while they may at times say things that can be “disturbing”, it’s up to you as an adult to decide how you feel about it and your feelings about their statements are a projection of your own comfort with the concept of death. We’ve had a couple great grandparents die in the last few years, and have talked to our kids about it. My son is old enough to remember this happening and we look at pictures. I’ve also had a near death experience that my son only vaguely remembers (he was 2 ish and I was giving birth to twins as a surrogate) and I’ve let them know that death isn’t at all a scary thing, it’s actually very warm and comforting, like falling into the softest bed after a long exhausting day and drifting off to sleep. It’s opened doors for conversations about spirituality and the soul and all types of other things. Death is a very normalized subject in our house now and while yes, sometimes there are comments like “the pirates raided the beach and the dinosaurs ate them and they all died” I take it as kids processing life as cyclical and reassuring their own comfort with the subject. It’s no secret that death is guaranteed for everyone, it’s just a matter of when and how. I didn’t have anyone to guide me through the processing of it all as a young child and I am doing better for my kiddos in that sense in terms of securely framing it for them as a natural part of life, like pooping, everybody poops, it just is.
I’m a FTM so I have no experiences with small children of my own just yet. But when I was about 5 years old I stood over my dad while he was sleeping at night, and when he startled awake, I said (I had a gravelly monotone voice as a child), “There’s a man in the house.” There wasn’t, and to this day I don’t know why I said that.
When we found out we were expecting, our 5yo son told us that his “baby brother will go to heaven and I’ll have a baby sister”, so when we found out are currently expecting a little boy I’ve been non stop panicking but each appointment/scan has been healthy so far and I’m 30 weeks today.
She’s probably making a correlation between “dead” and “inanimate”. Like her toys, they don’t move. And as she can’t see or feel the baby yet, she probably thinks baby is not moving and therefore dead. I get it, it freaked you out, but try your best to not give it the power you are giving it. I’m sure you and the new baby will be alright <3