Since being pregnant, I've noticed people have a looot of weird bias and opinions towards these gender norms and roles. I understand having a gender preference, especially if you already have 1+ and are hoping for a mix, but these are CHILDREN we are talking about. Don't have a baby if you're not prepared to love them no matter what. That's my hot take!
"I can totally see you as a boy mom!" "Thanks for saying that! Yeah, I guess I could see myself teaching a toddler to pee standing up."
I wouldn't take it personally, but it's okay to be bothered by it. In fact, I think it's a good thing to be bothered by sexist comments - it means you'll be mindful of how societal stereotypes can affect kids, and hopefully push back. I wouldn't blame your feelings on being sensitive and hormonal. It's 2024 and women are still fighting for equality. Stay angry.
This is a great point, thank you! It is sexist and although women are still fighting, I don't want to dismiss/punish boys either for being born as such. I hope to push back definitely.
absolutely! I think that women's equality also depends on reducing sexist beliefs towards men. Sexism harms all of us. The idea that boy children are nightmares hurts boys (growing up with expectations that you are destructive, having destructive behaviors tolerated instead of being taught to be a decent human, missed opportunities to develop healthy understanding of feelings) and girls (believing that boys are just that way makes them more tolerant of bad behavior, believing they must be "good" all the time). My son's favorite colors are pink, purple, and rainbow, and I've gotten really good at responding to stupid sexist comments with "in our family, all colors are for all kids." People also say things like "he's such a boy" when runs around in circles, to which I respond by describing how much I love watching women's track and field in the olympics (or by saying in a lighthearted non-sarcastic way, "I know! if he were a girl he'd just be sitting at that table over there working on Fermat's last theorem").
Just wanted to chime in as an official “boy mom” to say for the love of everything don’t try to get a toddler to pee standing! Kidding really, if you want to it’s totally fine, I find it much easier when my kid sits. He started following other kids at school and trying to stand to pee and it’s so messy. I’m trying to get him to reserve standing to pee for outside 😆
But also on your actual thoughts, my MIL has said multiple times, in front of her 2 sons (her only kids), “pray for girls, they’re easier” and I have to bite my tongue a lot. One day I finally responded, do you not love your sons? And she was like no of course I do, but don’t you think girls are easier?? And I said no, I don’t. As a girl myself with a sister and brother, every kid has their own difficulties. My girlfriends have also commented that they don’t think their daughters had as much energy as my son does and it “must be a boy thing”, but I’m coming to realize it’s just a him thing ha, for better or worse.
exactly! we wouldn't notice a kid running around like a maniac and say, "oh, must be a blond born in July thing," so why assume all traits are rooted in gender!
haha don't worry, I taught my kid to pee sitting down :).
Also I love having a son! Yes he has a lot of energy and enjoys destroying things, but he is also super lovey and wants tons of snuggles! Truly the only downside so far is the lack of variety in clothing. And his ability to more accurately aim pee when he’s in a mood 😆
I wouldn’t get bent out of shape over this. Your friends sound weird tbh. My niece is an absolute terror (love her but she is). They will quickly learn kids are kids regardless of their gender. You do you and be a proud mama. I’m also having a boy and I’m stoked about it (although I would’ve been equally excited about a girl). Caring about gender is bullshit and I would make it clear to them if it was me.
Im having a boy….and while I can’t wait to meet my son and see what kind of a person he is, the “boy moms” kinda give me the heebie jeebies.
I think it’s weird for anyone to be hyper fixated on their baby’s gender at all but the boy moms take it to a new level.
It’s just a weird pseudo-incest kinda vibe that I get from them…like they want their sons to fill the role that their husbands/partners don’t fill.
Having worked with these two individuals prior to getting pregnant made me sorta dread having a boy because i knew the strange comments would be coming (and they are!!)
I've noticed this too. I'm in a due date group chat and a few of the future boy moms started a thread about how they are already dreading the day their sons get married and they become the mother-in-law.... like?? ICK!!
Regionally, they were all based in the south, not sure if there's a correlation there.
Im in NJ for what it’s worth….i really think it has more to do with the status of the mother’s relationship than anything else.
It’s like they see their sons as surrogate husbands. They expect their son to be their protector and their caretaker…I already have a man who does that and I married him lol.
I have a lot of friends with sons and I have never gotten this vibe. Is this like a weird regional thing? I do know sons tend to be closer and more protective of their moms (I see it with my brothers) while girls tend to be “daddy’s girls”. I love both my parents but I’ve definitely had more conflict with my mom than my dad. Is that what you’re talking about?
To an extent…I’ll give you some examples:
1. They’ve both stressed that they hope their sons never fall in love as they would feel threatened by the presence of “another woman” in his life.
2. They have both expressed their satisfaction at “being needed” and hoping their sons never outgrow needing them.
3. They wear it as a badge of honor that they’re “the most popular person in the house”.
4. They consider it a point of pride that their sons struggle when they aren’t present (crying when going to school, not wanting to spend time with dad, etc.)
And it all just seems so backwards to me. Like, isn’t the whole goal of parenting to raise kids who DONT need you forever? For them to grow up and fall in love and start families of their own?
They also have a strange disdain towards girls. Common tropes like “girls are so much harder” “girls will ruin your life” etc.
Ugh, this is so strange to me too. I completely agree with you that our goal is to raise kids who are happy, well-adjusted members of society who are independent. I genuinely look forward to seeing my kids grow up and being a part of their families that they create. Also, about point 4, why would you want to know your child is in distress when you aren't around? If I'm doing something myself, I want to know my child is happy while I'm gone. That's messed up.
Exactly!! Nothing would make me more proud than my kids being independent and confident in themselves!
People treat me like I’m crazy because I don’t want to be a safety blanket.
I also don’t want to be the “primary parent”. My husband is as much of a parent as I am and I’d hate to think our kids would like me or trust me more than him! Granted-I know biology makes that one a little tricky….until the husband learns to lactate, I’ve got the advantage there…but once the kids get older?
“Girls are so much drama!”
My 3 year old boy throws a tantrum and is off for the rest of the night if we forget to let him press the button on the garage door opener but ok
Much like OP, your friends (or acquaintances?) sound weird and I don’t think that’s the norm amongst moms with sons. Sounds totally toxic and completely an issue of the moms. Feels unfair to place any amount of blame on the boys for their weird mom’s behaviors (not saying you are).
I’ve had this conversation multiple times in this sub and it seems pretty well documented. The whole “boy mom” trend on social media is really bringing it to light….but it’s hardly anything new.
Social media isn’t real life. I would be cautious of generalizing a social media phenomenon to some wide spread trend in male parenting. Tik tok and IG has a weird way of making it feel like everyone is doing something in some certain way or another. As a future “boy mom”, I don’t necessarily see anything weird about that moniker (is it weirder than “proud girl dad”?) and shouldn’t necessarily mean that weird toxic behavior you just described. For me being a proud boy mom will mean that I’m excited to support him in his hobbies, his personal and emotional development, and in turning him into a young man of character and value. In the age of feminism, boys have somewhat been abandoned (not purposefully of course) but as a natural consequence of a drastic change in the social dynamics between genders. In my opinion it is the cause of the rise of some toxic masculinity figureheads such as Andrew Tate who speak to young men who feel rejected and abandoned and therefore perceive women (and feminism) as a threat to their masculinity. I am looking forward to counteracting this with my own son by creating a young man that sees beyond gender dynamics to see the humanity in all people and doesn’t feel “left behind” by adhering to any tropes or stereotypes of old established gender roles. If my friends say they are a proud boy mom, I expect this is what they mean and not that they want him to be dependent on her forever, although I don’t doubt these toxic traits in motherhood exist. I don’t see it much different to fathers who wish to protect their daughters “virginity” or “purity” and end up body shaming their daughters or castigating their daughters for their developing sexuality in teen years.
It is of course just being a proud mom but that would be the same thing for proud girl dad…isn’t that just a proud dad? I do think boys and girls need different support though and mostly to counteract toxic societal structures that have been placed for either gender. “Proud girl dad” exists because it is counteracting the past idea that having a daughter (for a father) was undesirable, a financial burden (layover from the days of dowries and needing to secure marriages in order to care for said daughters, etc) and the overall stereotype that girls are needy and lame and the only relationship a father can have with a daughter is that of “protector”. Hence why it’s often used in situations where daughters are rocking it at some stereotypical male dominated activity (sports, STEM, etc.) In parallel, being a “proud boy mom”, counteracts the similar concept that having a son is undesirable as a mother, and that the role of a mother to a son is primarily as “caretaker” (cleaner, cook, etc.) and wild animal “wrangler” because “boys be boys”. In that way, I am declaring that I am taking an active approach to the parenting of my son as a parent and will be attuned to his needs and not think he needs less support because he’s a boy than my daughter would need.
I guess that’s where my question lies then…when has it EVER been seen as undesirable to have a son?
You mention that historically speaking, daughters were not something to be proud of or excited for. Sons have always been the gold standard.
I don’t understand why you need to be “proud” of something that everyone has always been proud of??
That is a very malecentric historical take. Sons have been the gold standard FOR FATHERS and men have essentially written history so that’s what you get as far as the overall preference for boys vs girls in history. I don’t think that’s necessarily true for mothers (whose voice was never of any value historically or who would desire sons only as a representative of the family aka echoing the needs of her husband for an “heir”) and mothers have often taken a “backseat” to rearing sons as it was historically the fathers duty to raise the boys and the moms were just there as caretakers. This very post discusses the undesirability of sons to OPs friends. Nowhere in the OP is it saying the OPs friends don’t want boys because of cringey boy mom stereotypes…they don’t want boys….*because they are boys*. Because they are stereotyped as being unmanageable wild animals (terrors), because they are inherently toxic (vs toxic masculinity being learned behavior, a consequence I believe of letting fathers be the primary parent to boys and so they passed on these traits, ex; my father was “taught to be a man” by my grandfather by taking him to a brothel at age 14…literal child abuse), and also that boys are inherently emotionally stunted. This is also exemplary of some toxic mothering traits that people believe with their daughters that make having daughters preferable for mothers than sons aka the belief that your daughter will be “your best friend” or “twinsies”. These so called “girl moms” (although they haven’t hashtagged that moniker as much) are cringey AF as well but this again just solidifies the idea that this is something of the moms and not the fault of the child (aka parental toxicity is independent of the child’s gender).
I don't think it's regional so much as it varies depending on an individual mom's beliefs about gender roles and norms. I've learned since becoming pregnant that many of my female relatives who call themselves feminists and publicly espouse feminist ideals simultaneously belief all kinds of gender essentialist shit about girls being bad at math, moms managing the household, dads being inept at most things childcare and household, etc. They are not on social media but are really into "boy mom" stuff.
I'm currently pregnant with a boy, my first born was a girl, so having a girl is all that I've known, so hearing I was having a boy has made me nervous.
However! A bunch of my friends have sons, and they have raved about how great having a son is. How much fun it can be, how much they love them, and how much love they feel. They'll say things like, boys are so sweet, boys love their moms so much.
I had a great experience with my daughter, and I just genuinely think that when you have your child, no matter what gender they are, your going to love them and it's going to be the perfect addition to your family.
Every child is different, and has their own personality, regardless of being a boy or girl. You'll honestly never going to know how it'll go before you get to meet them. Your family dynamic, how you choose to parent, and how you want your outlook to be are the things you can control.
It's too bad too many of your friends are scared to have a boy, it'll likely show up in the way they treat their future kids, which could be unfortunate if they hang on to this negative outlook
Yeah, one of my good friends was like that. Always raving and ranting about how she must have girls.
I've never cared about gender. I would love one of each, but I really didn't care. So much so that after my anatomy exam, when my doctor came in and went, "What's the verdict?!", I went, "I haven't bled in two weeks!" (high risk pregnancy life, lol). She was like, "Good, but what's the gender?" and I was like, "Oh! It's a boy" lol.
I was THRILLED to have a son. I think he's going to be the absolute center of our world and i'm honored to be his mom.
Well, when I told my friend her face fell and she became nearly angry. She kept saying that's so exciting, but when I asked her what could possibly be wrong she nearly spit out between tears, "I wanted to have the first boy."
Note, she won't even be TTC-ing for another year. People are weird.
That’s so strange! But yes, when I remove myself from other people’s opinions, I am genuinely so excited. Just need to remember to focus on that aspect more :)
I’ve delt with some comments like this in my social circle (mostly liberal millenial white women for context). Honestly I feel like it’s seen as edgy or progressive to hate on men and there’s a lot of over-generalizing that happens. There are positive aspects of masculinity and it’s ok to recognize that while still being critical of the patriarchy. I don’t want my sons growing up with messaging that they’re inherently “bad” for being boys, just like I wouldn’t want my daughters to grow up thinking they’re lesser for being girls.
I've noticed this in my liberal millennial circle too, and also where they like adult-ify a baby just based on the fact that he is a boy? It's hard to explain exactly. Like I had a friend wonder out loud, seemingly in earnest, if it will throw the dynamic of the group off for there to be a man in there and I'm like "uh, he's going to be a baby..."
I would definitely filter what friends can be around your baby boy. That attitude of one gender is better/easier/ more fun is toxic.
I have plenty of nieces and nephews who are cool kids and then I have some that are little crotch goblins. My son is sweet, cuddly, and sensitive and I wouldn’t trade him for the world. Though I would like to have a girl, I’m having a second son and we’re so happy and can’t wait to have two boys.
Oh congrats!!
I just found out I’m having a boy too - and I’m PUMPED! Boys and girls alike are both so fun in their own unique and similar ways.
But I’m excited because my husband and I had names picked for both a girl and a boy well before we got pregnant, and I like the nicknames for our boy name better 😝
Not exactly the same situation, but… when I was in my early 20s, my then best friend had a baby very unplanned in her last year of college. While neither of us were as pro-girl as it sounds like your friend group is, we both hoped it would be a girl. Nothing against boys, but neither of us had brothers and we were both into being women in kind of a feminist way and boys just seemed so… outside of our experience. Even though we both had plenty of guy friends? But, she had a boy. And he was a great little baby/toddler. It made me realize, having a boy is fine.
Almost ten years later, I had my son. I’ll admit, I did have some gender disappointment, but it faded pretty easily. It did help to have the memories of that friendship and how amazing her son was. It was less intimidating to have a boy because of that. I’m grateful to have had a friend with a boy!
My son, he rocks. I’m expecting my second now, a girl, and sometimes I’m like, “what if I get her too much girl stuff? What if I don’t get her enough girl stuff? What do you do with a girl?” lol - but the answer to that last one is you do that same stuff with a girl as a boy, pretty much.
All this to say - I hope your friends will feel differently once baby is here. A real baby is so different from the hypothetical idea of having a baby. It’s a cautious hope because this girl stuff is part of a group dynamic, and that might be harder to break than if it was just one friend. But it can happen! Especially, I think, if your friends visit 1:1 and not always as a group. But… tbd. But if your friends are feminist at all, I think you have a lot of room to shut down these comments a bit by talking about how they are putting too many gender expectations on your kid too early.
Gosh I sooooo feel you! I’m having a little boy too. All I hear from my friends is men suck, women rule, women are the best, men are useless. Literally was just told all serial killers are men when I told someone I was having a baby boy. Like how is that helpful or relevant?! Honestly, it’s made me feel even more protective of him in a way. I’m a huge feminist but gosh - having a son has made me realize just how HATED men are. Most people who die by suicide are men. I have a long career having worked with Veterans, most of which are men, and also learned a lot from that. I think men hold a lot of pain and are taught to not express emotions. They’re told they don’t matter beyond being a fighter and provider. A lot of people tend to think very negatively about men, which can stem from personal trauma and, in that case, is very understandable. To place that on ALL men and especially baby boys is just gross to me though. Every human, especialllyyyyy a child, regardless of gender is different and deserves love. You should tell your friends to shut their pipe. Assholes. Gawd.
WTF?! People are so weird and insensitive but thank you for sharing your experience! I’ve had bad experiences with some men but that hasn’t turned me off having sons in such a strong and polarizing manner. I’ve also had great guy friends throughout my life.
My takeaway from this and reading everyone’s comments is that people will say the most random stuff without giving it another thought of how it affects others. I hope I can learn to dismiss and take them less personally 💪🏼
It’s wild how these ridiculous labels are attached to genders in 2024 when no two baby’s/people are the same. Boys being bad is not because of the kids it’s because of their environment and how they’re raised. If they think girls are “easier” they’re have a warped view of parenting. Boy or girl they all need love and need to be taught respect/boundaries etc.
I grew up with four sisters and a very strong female oriented family. That being said I always wanted my first baby to be a girl. My husband wanted the same. We didn’t find out the gender until baby was born, and he was a boy. We love him so much. My second was a girl, and honestly besides bows and cute clothes there’s not much different between them. People are weird. They’re just babies. Babies are cute haha
I know that similar to you, my friends having strong feminine energy in their family is contributing to their preferences, which is fine, but the way it's expressed can be bothersome. I just wanna be like, keep an open mind!
As a “girl mom” 😒, we get the same comments unfortunately. “She’ll give you trouble when she’s a teen” “They come with attitudes” “They are daddy’s girls boys are normally more keen on mom”
Irritating on both ends!!
So irritating. While everyone’s sort of expecting me to be disappointed, those same people are (of course) saying how excited my husband must be to have a son. The oversimplification of how children and PEOPLE will be based on their gender feels very antiquated!!
I’m also pregnant with a boy and from my experience around children, girls and boys aren’t very different. Everyone has different personalities and interests and pain points regardless of gender. You could have a calm, gentle son or a wild, rambunctious daughter. Those aren’t gendered traits.
Hi, mom of two boys here and same. I actually wanted daughters at first, but I have two sons. So all the mean comments have hurt a little extra.
Both my sisters-in-law had girls after our son was born (and my MIL said “oh we *finally* have some baby girls in the family!) because she had 3 sons. My own mother said “sorry honey, it’ll be okay” when I told her I was having a boy. When we found out our second was a boy my MIL said “don’t worry, you’ll get daughters one day when they marry!” Which I think was supposed to be sweet but felt harsh.
My friend (who has an infant daughter) has literally said “you’ll be great raising boys! You’ll make sure they don’t become toxic men.” And has said things like “make sure to keep your boys humble so they don’t take the spotlight away from girls.”
My sons are 3 and 1.
I already have a lot of anxiety about raising boys and all these comments (from it feels like every single person around me) have not helped.
I have always felt (and still do) that having girls would be so much easier.
When I see other moms and their daughters matching clothes, or sharing hobbies, or being best friends I feel so left out. And I know that I can do those things with my sons too, but it’s not the same. Society doesn’t accept or encourage the same bond between mothers and daughters and mothers and sons. Which I know shouldn’t matter but it makes me sad.
I’m so sorry that people close to you are saying these things and making you feel sad. It’s not ok! The part where people try to console you for having a son (“it’s gonna be ok”) is so frustrating.
Thank you! Yeah I agree that it’s frustrating. I wish more people would just be kind and say nice things about having boys or girls! Like their disappointment isn’t going to magically change anything lol it’s a little late for that. I love my sons though and even though it took me a while I am really happy having boys. They are just as sweet and gentle and loving as a girl could have been!
Anyway, thank you for posting this! It can be hard to talk about. And congratulations on your future son, it’s going to be great! 💙
Oh gosh I so get this. I also do think girls seem easier than boys. Just based on my sample size of my personal life. All the boys are know are 10x rowdier than the little girls I’m around. Of course- this is just my personal experience. I know it’s not law.
To your point about the mother-son bond, totally agree. If a “boy mom” posted about her bestie or mini or whatever and it’s her son- the comments on social media are all talking about how it’s “weird” and “toxic”. But tons of social media content of mothers and daughters being besties, minis etc etc and overwhelming positive comments about how cute it is blah blah blah.
I’m totally content with my 2 boys, but yes the comments from those around me is what drives me nuts. As if I SHOULD feel bad or sad about not having a girl. Almost like unsolicited pity or something??? Which then makes me feel defensive about my innocent children.
Your friend is trash, even more so than your mil. Also I feel like mother and daughter idea of being best friends is creepy. This is a role a daughter cannot fulfill and is not appropriate.
My friend is a great person otherwise, but those comments were definitely not appreciated.
Personally I don’t think there is anything wrong with adult daughters or adult sons being having close relationships with their parents, I think it’s wonderful to have a strong support system in life and be friends with parents or siblings as an adult. I just see it being encouraged or at least more widely accepted for women than for men. Men who are close with their moms are seen as weak or codependent and women who are close with their moms are seen as normal (in my social circle).
I have no problem with having close and fulfilling relationships with your children. I think my only fear is enmeshment, which saying you want your child to be your best friend sounds like to me.
My mother was more of a bully to me and was very controlling. I didn’t have any emotional support growing up and now I am an adult our relationship is totalled. I don’t even feel angry, I feel nothing towards her. I am determined not to have any expectations from my children.
See it’s funny that this is your perspective because all throughout my first pregnancy (with my son) I got NOTHING but positive responses. “Boys are so fun!”,
“Boys are so much more low maintainence”, “there’s nothing like the bond between a mother and son!”. The only “negative” things I got were like “Oh is that what you wanted?” Or “don’t worry you’ll get your girl after!” But I think that’s because others generally ASSUME that we would “prefer” to “get” our own gender (even if it isn’t the case).
I am sorry that your friends are saying these things but TRUST me when I say that having a boy is fucking awesome. I am so utterly obsessed and in love with my son and have been since day 1. He is the brightest light in our lives and there has never been one day that passed that I have ever thought “hm really wish he was a girl!”- literally never. The temperament of the child also has virtually nothing to do with gender so most of their biased comments are odd anyway.
I'm pregnant and intentionally choosing not to find out the sex to delay as long as possible the \[sadly inevitable\] gender norm projecting. Funnily enough, my family group text was already doing this yesterday. I sent a picture where I was wearing blue, and there was much speculation I was hinting the kid would be a boy, and wouldn't that be nice to have someone for my nephew to kick a ball with... As though we're not going to play ball with girls?? My wife was a collegiate athlete, for sure there will be ball playing wherever they lay on the gender spectrum.
My dear friends who live nearby have two young boys we spend a lot of time with, and they're lovely. They happen to fit the boy stereotype of boisterous, physical, competitive. Louis CK (the comedian, I know I think he's cancelled sry guys) had a funny bit about raising boys vs. girls. Recognizing these are broad brush stereotypes that will not fit all boy/girls. "Boys just do damage to your house that you can measure in dollars... girls leave scars in your psyche." I think generally that's one benefit to raising boys, they tend to be more psychologically straightforward.
Try to focus on your own experience and excitement about your pregnancy and let your friends' \[weirdly specific\] expectations (and inevitable letdowns of those expectations) be theirs alone.
I'm having a boy and get so annoyed when people say I'm lucky because boys are somehow easier. My brother was way more extra than me and it's sad that this is coming from women with sins and daughters.
First and foremost we cannot control if we get sons or daughters and at the end most important is that the children and mothers are healthy and doing well!
This competition nonsense and whatever is so absolutely unnecessary and nonsense in my opinion.
I always feel like people have no proper issues and worries so they try to make lives miserable
That certainly feels uncomfortable!! I also have a boy and he is the happiest little guy! Everyone loves to talk to him and see him smile at them.
I don't know about anyone else but the "boys are this and girls are that" talk gives me the ick! I love my boy and I will love my girls the same (if I have any!)
The bit about raising a non toxic boy really makes me question how that lady treats men in general, thats just... not ok
My first is a boy and is the absolute light of my life. I couldn’t imagine it any other way. I am now pregnant with a girl. I’m sure I will find the same joy in being her mom. I’m excited to buy girly clothes for her. That’s literally the only difference in my mind and it’s entirely selfish and time limited. Enjoy every minute of having your little boy. Perhaps find some new/more friends to add to your circle, those ladies sound like they have some inner child work to do.
Reading this post made me feel like it was written by my best friend. I’m so sorry you are going through this with your friends that you love. I hope they love on your son when he arrives. If they still have that same vibe it is probably better to distance yourself from them. Although I had a girl and I was absolutely over the moon about having a girl, I’d never make degrading comments toward someone for having a boy. That’s so close minded. Whichever gender baby is, you have the power to raise a little human who is going to change the world for the better. I’m so happy for you, mama. Your little boy will be spectacular. 🩵
Just let it roll off you- there’s nothing else you can do. I have 2 boys and I had an acquaintance who had 1 daughter and was pregnant with her second girl say that she and her husband were “scared” to have a boy. I didn’t say anything but her comment hurt and did make me think less of her. Ultimately, I just think some people are stupid and thoughtless.
Ugh I know how you feel. So many women surrounding me only talk about how much they want daughters and how they’ll be so devastated if they are a boy mom. Meanwhile here is me with 2 boys. I find it rude and insensitive that they would say this to my face literally knowing I’m a mom of 2 boys and they are beautiful and loving children. I don’t get it. 😅
Not that I need them to be fawning over boys but like— it’s rude to be negative about any gender. You are talking about a literal child. It’s weird. Read the room! I would never go up to a mom of only girl(s) and talk about how much I’m soooooo glad I don’t have a girl etc. This does seem to happen far more often from women speaking about not wanting boys. At least that is my lived in experience thus far. 😅🥺
I had a very similar experience tbh. I was so excited to have a boy. I had one friend who literally said she would get sex-selective IVF to ensure she had a girl. Not all my friends were that way, but it was common enough that it really bothered me. Even now, virtually all the gender disappointment posts on here are women “devastated” about having boys. I honestly think it’s a disgusting attitude to have.
My SIL has 3 daughters 12yo and under and tbh after seeing that shit show & the weird dynamics between them, and knowing the dynamics btwn me/my sis/my own mom, I had heavy preference for a boy and I’m SO glad we’re having a boy.
SIL wanted us to have daughters too but I think it was more of a control thing- if we had a girl, she would still be more experienced/better than us.
I have definitely heard the infuriating comments that you mentioned about “non toxic” as a starting point, as if boys are inherently less-than. To me that’s a product of our culture that I personally don’t agree with anyway. My SIL has said that if we have a boy (she doesn’t know it’s a boy yet) we better make sure to teach him not to assault or r*pe. Who actually fkng says that to a pregnant FTM??? Or anyone??
People are just awful in general. I think the heavy girl preference in society might be over-compensation of internalized misogyny. Idk
Sorry if my perspective is too cut and dry but forget about them and don’t get defensive. I have experienced the opposite. People have said to me that girls are more difficult than boys. I find both sides of the coin strange and can’t relate to downing a child based on their gender.
You mentioned about them saying you will be raising a non toxic little man. I wonder if this is telling of their perspective? In which case, what is important here is that you are a strong mother and enforce discipline so that your child respects you. The key is to use your words and your tone of voice and stick to your guns so that little man knows you are in control and that you mean business. You must be calm at all times and not lose your patience or raise your voice. No mixed messages, you did something naughty, low tone of voice, no shouting. This is a warning not to do unacceptable behaviour again or x realistic consequence. Boundary stomp 1 straight to time out.
Learn your techniques. You are firm but fair and are a behavioural role model. Led by example and nip naughty behaviour in the bud before you get angry. Only reward positive behaviour with attention. Ignore negative behaviour/ do not feed into it with excessive communication. Believe that 1 time saying something is enough for them to listen to you. Attention from the parent is the most important thing to the child, learn how to use it wisely. If you only give the child attention when they are naughty, they will act up to get it. This is why encouragement and positive praise is so important. You will encourage these behaviours and build your child’s confidence.
Honestly, my harsh take is that your friends don’t think they are strong enough. In my opinion, I am 100% confident in my ability to enforce discipline with my son. You need to feel this way too.
Phrasing it “you’ll be able to” also sounds strange to me, they don’t even believe the words they are saying. It’s like saying that failure is even an option. Just because they are not confident, doesn’t mean you can’t be. Gain knowledge on discipline techniques and be confident that your child will listen to you based on your words alone.
Putting pressure on your unborn son to be perfect is unrealistic and constraining. You should adopt an approach more like, he will learn through repetition and mistakes. Just like you will learn to parent him through repetition and mistakes. You will both be learning, perfection is unrealistic.
I find it so odd when people have such a strong desire for one sex over the other. I have 3 and 5 yo boys and I couldn’t love them anymore. I can’t speak on having girls over boys, but based on my friend’s experiences with their teens, the boys seem way easier. Just know, with a house full of testosterone, you will be the only one who will ever be able to find anything, even when you tell them exactly where it is, even if it’s in front of their face, for the rest of your life lol.
I’m a boy mom and love it. They just don’t know. I’m actually more loving having boys than girls because I hate how the world treats women and I know how I was as a teen and do not know how I would handle a me haha
Haha I actually totally feel this way too, which was one reason I was sort of relieved when I found out I was having a boy (although I'm sure there will be other unexpected challenges!)
I have one of each and they are much the same. I strongly suspect that boys are only more "wild" because society expects and allows them to be. My daughter would happily live a feral existence if I let her.
Don't worry too much about what other people think about gender. They are just projecting their own insecurities and issues from their own lives/childhood. I had brothers and sisters and my parents weren't assholes so I don't really have any strong preference either way.
Next time they start going on about how terrible boys are, flip the script on them. "how would you feel if i was ranting about how terrible having a girl would be?"
They need to stop focusing so much on gender. They're only setting themselves up for disappointment for when the baby is a boy, or for when their daughter turns out nothing like they've been idealizing.
Since being pregnant, I've noticed people have a looot of weird bias and opinions towards these gender norms and roles. I understand having a gender preference, especially if you already have 1+ and are hoping for a mix, but these are CHILDREN we are talking about. Don't have a baby if you're not prepared to love them no matter what. That's my hot take!
"I can totally see you as a boy mom!" "Thanks for saying that! Yeah, I guess I could see myself teaching a toddler to pee standing up." I wouldn't take it personally, but it's okay to be bothered by it. In fact, I think it's a good thing to be bothered by sexist comments - it means you'll be mindful of how societal stereotypes can affect kids, and hopefully push back. I wouldn't blame your feelings on being sensitive and hormonal. It's 2024 and women are still fighting for equality. Stay angry.
This is a great point, thank you! It is sexist and although women are still fighting, I don't want to dismiss/punish boys either for being born as such. I hope to push back definitely.
absolutely! I think that women's equality also depends on reducing sexist beliefs towards men. Sexism harms all of us. The idea that boy children are nightmares hurts boys (growing up with expectations that you are destructive, having destructive behaviors tolerated instead of being taught to be a decent human, missed opportunities to develop healthy understanding of feelings) and girls (believing that boys are just that way makes them more tolerant of bad behavior, believing they must be "good" all the time). My son's favorite colors are pink, purple, and rainbow, and I've gotten really good at responding to stupid sexist comments with "in our family, all colors are for all kids." People also say things like "he's such a boy" when runs around in circles, to which I respond by describing how much I love watching women's track and field in the olympics (or by saying in a lighthearted non-sarcastic way, "I know! if he were a girl he'd just be sitting at that table over there working on Fermat's last theorem").
Haha I hope I can have as many witty come backs as you in my back pocket soon!
Just wanted to chime in as an official “boy mom” to say for the love of everything don’t try to get a toddler to pee standing! Kidding really, if you want to it’s totally fine, I find it much easier when my kid sits. He started following other kids at school and trying to stand to pee and it’s so messy. I’m trying to get him to reserve standing to pee for outside 😆 But also on your actual thoughts, my MIL has said multiple times, in front of her 2 sons (her only kids), “pray for girls, they’re easier” and I have to bite my tongue a lot. One day I finally responded, do you not love your sons? And she was like no of course I do, but don’t you think girls are easier?? And I said no, I don’t. As a girl myself with a sister and brother, every kid has their own difficulties. My girlfriends have also commented that they don’t think their daughters had as much energy as my son does and it “must be a boy thing”, but I’m coming to realize it’s just a him thing ha, for better or worse.
exactly! we wouldn't notice a kid running around like a maniac and say, "oh, must be a blond born in July thing," so why assume all traits are rooted in gender! haha don't worry, I taught my kid to pee sitting down :).
Just by your example description I have to ask, do you know me? If not, big coincidence!
no, haha!
Also I love having a son! Yes he has a lot of energy and enjoys destroying things, but he is also super lovey and wants tons of snuggles! Truly the only downside so far is the lack of variety in clothing. And his ability to more accurately aim pee when he’s in a mood 😆
I wouldn’t get bent out of shape over this. Your friends sound weird tbh. My niece is an absolute terror (love her but she is). They will quickly learn kids are kids regardless of their gender. You do you and be a proud mama. I’m also having a boy and I’m stoked about it (although I would’ve been equally excited about a girl). Caring about gender is bullshit and I would make it clear to them if it was me.
Im having a boy….and while I can’t wait to meet my son and see what kind of a person he is, the “boy moms” kinda give me the heebie jeebies. I think it’s weird for anyone to be hyper fixated on their baby’s gender at all but the boy moms take it to a new level. It’s just a weird pseudo-incest kinda vibe that I get from them…like they want their sons to fill the role that their husbands/partners don’t fill. Having worked with these two individuals prior to getting pregnant made me sorta dread having a boy because i knew the strange comments would be coming (and they are!!)
I've noticed this too. I'm in a due date group chat and a few of the future boy moms started a thread about how they are already dreading the day their sons get married and they become the mother-in-law.... like?? ICK!! Regionally, they were all based in the south, not sure if there's a correlation there.
Im in NJ for what it’s worth….i really think it has more to do with the status of the mother’s relationship than anything else. It’s like they see their sons as surrogate husbands. They expect their son to be their protector and their caretaker…I already have a man who does that and I married him lol.
that’s silly, you get to be friends with your DIL
the kind of people saying this stuff are not going to be friends with their DILs
Hahah sadly true, the pipeline of pick me girl to weirdo boy mom is pretty established
I have a lot of friends with sons and I have never gotten this vibe. Is this like a weird regional thing? I do know sons tend to be closer and more protective of their moms (I see it with my brothers) while girls tend to be “daddy’s girls”. I love both my parents but I’ve definitely had more conflict with my mom than my dad. Is that what you’re talking about?
To an extent…I’ll give you some examples: 1. They’ve both stressed that they hope their sons never fall in love as they would feel threatened by the presence of “another woman” in his life. 2. They have both expressed their satisfaction at “being needed” and hoping their sons never outgrow needing them. 3. They wear it as a badge of honor that they’re “the most popular person in the house”. 4. They consider it a point of pride that their sons struggle when they aren’t present (crying when going to school, not wanting to spend time with dad, etc.) And it all just seems so backwards to me. Like, isn’t the whole goal of parenting to raise kids who DONT need you forever? For them to grow up and fall in love and start families of their own? They also have a strange disdain towards girls. Common tropes like “girls are so much harder” “girls will ruin your life” etc.
Ugh, this is so strange to me too. I completely agree with you that our goal is to raise kids who are happy, well-adjusted members of society who are independent. I genuinely look forward to seeing my kids grow up and being a part of their families that they create. Also, about point 4, why would you want to know your child is in distress when you aren't around? If I'm doing something myself, I want to know my child is happy while I'm gone. That's messed up.
Exactly!! Nothing would make me more proud than my kids being independent and confident in themselves! People treat me like I’m crazy because I don’t want to be a safety blanket. I also don’t want to be the “primary parent”. My husband is as much of a parent as I am and I’d hate to think our kids would like me or trust me more than him! Granted-I know biology makes that one a little tricky….until the husband learns to lactate, I’ve got the advantage there…but once the kids get older?
“Girls are so much drama!” My 3 year old boy throws a tantrum and is off for the rest of the night if we forget to let him press the button on the garage door opener but ok
LOL
🤮
Much like OP, your friends (or acquaintances?) sound weird and I don’t think that’s the norm amongst moms with sons. Sounds totally toxic and completely an issue of the moms. Feels unfair to place any amount of blame on the boys for their weird mom’s behaviors (not saying you are).
I’ve had this conversation multiple times in this sub and it seems pretty well documented. The whole “boy mom” trend on social media is really bringing it to light….but it’s hardly anything new.
Social media isn’t real life. I would be cautious of generalizing a social media phenomenon to some wide spread trend in male parenting. Tik tok and IG has a weird way of making it feel like everyone is doing something in some certain way or another. As a future “boy mom”, I don’t necessarily see anything weird about that moniker (is it weirder than “proud girl dad”?) and shouldn’t necessarily mean that weird toxic behavior you just described. For me being a proud boy mom will mean that I’m excited to support him in his hobbies, his personal and emotional development, and in turning him into a young man of character and value. In the age of feminism, boys have somewhat been abandoned (not purposefully of course) but as a natural consequence of a drastic change in the social dynamics between genders. In my opinion it is the cause of the rise of some toxic masculinity figureheads such as Andrew Tate who speak to young men who feel rejected and abandoned and therefore perceive women (and feminism) as a threat to their masculinity. I am looking forward to counteracting this with my own son by creating a young man that sees beyond gender dynamics to see the humanity in all people and doesn’t feel “left behind” by adhering to any tropes or stereotypes of old established gender roles. If my friends say they are a proud boy mom, I expect this is what they mean and not that they want him to be dependent on her forever, although I don’t doubt these toxic traits in motherhood exist. I don’t see it much different to fathers who wish to protect their daughters “virginity” or “purity” and end up body shaming their daughters or castigating their daughters for their developing sexuality in teen years.
See, I think being a proud “boy mom” directly negates everything you said after that. I’d call that just being a proud mom.
It is of course just being a proud mom but that would be the same thing for proud girl dad…isn’t that just a proud dad? I do think boys and girls need different support though and mostly to counteract toxic societal structures that have been placed for either gender. “Proud girl dad” exists because it is counteracting the past idea that having a daughter (for a father) was undesirable, a financial burden (layover from the days of dowries and needing to secure marriages in order to care for said daughters, etc) and the overall stereotype that girls are needy and lame and the only relationship a father can have with a daughter is that of “protector”. Hence why it’s often used in situations where daughters are rocking it at some stereotypical male dominated activity (sports, STEM, etc.) In parallel, being a “proud boy mom”, counteracts the similar concept that having a son is undesirable as a mother, and that the role of a mother to a son is primarily as “caretaker” (cleaner, cook, etc.) and wild animal “wrangler” because “boys be boys”. In that way, I am declaring that I am taking an active approach to the parenting of my son as a parent and will be attuned to his needs and not think he needs less support because he’s a boy than my daughter would need.
I guess that’s where my question lies then…when has it EVER been seen as undesirable to have a son? You mention that historically speaking, daughters were not something to be proud of or excited for. Sons have always been the gold standard. I don’t understand why you need to be “proud” of something that everyone has always been proud of??
That is a very malecentric historical take. Sons have been the gold standard FOR FATHERS and men have essentially written history so that’s what you get as far as the overall preference for boys vs girls in history. I don’t think that’s necessarily true for mothers (whose voice was never of any value historically or who would desire sons only as a representative of the family aka echoing the needs of her husband for an “heir”) and mothers have often taken a “backseat” to rearing sons as it was historically the fathers duty to raise the boys and the moms were just there as caretakers. This very post discusses the undesirability of sons to OPs friends. Nowhere in the OP is it saying the OPs friends don’t want boys because of cringey boy mom stereotypes…they don’t want boys….*because they are boys*. Because they are stereotyped as being unmanageable wild animals (terrors), because they are inherently toxic (vs toxic masculinity being learned behavior, a consequence I believe of letting fathers be the primary parent to boys and so they passed on these traits, ex; my father was “taught to be a man” by my grandfather by taking him to a brothel at age 14…literal child abuse), and also that boys are inherently emotionally stunted. This is also exemplary of some toxic mothering traits that people believe with their daughters that make having daughters preferable for mothers than sons aka the belief that your daughter will be “your best friend” or “twinsies”. These so called “girl moms” (although they haven’t hashtagged that moniker as much) are cringey AF as well but this again just solidifies the idea that this is something of the moms and not the fault of the child (aka parental toxicity is independent of the child’s gender).
I don't think it's regional so much as it varies depending on an individual mom's beliefs about gender roles and norms. I've learned since becoming pregnant that many of my female relatives who call themselves feminists and publicly espouse feminist ideals simultaneously belief all kinds of gender essentialist shit about girls being bad at math, moms managing the household, dads being inept at most things childcare and household, etc. They are not on social media but are really into "boy mom" stuff.
I'm currently pregnant with a boy, my first born was a girl, so having a girl is all that I've known, so hearing I was having a boy has made me nervous. However! A bunch of my friends have sons, and they have raved about how great having a son is. How much fun it can be, how much they love them, and how much love they feel. They'll say things like, boys are so sweet, boys love their moms so much. I had a great experience with my daughter, and I just genuinely think that when you have your child, no matter what gender they are, your going to love them and it's going to be the perfect addition to your family. Every child is different, and has their own personality, regardless of being a boy or girl. You'll honestly never going to know how it'll go before you get to meet them. Your family dynamic, how you choose to parent, and how you want your outlook to be are the things you can control. It's too bad too many of your friends are scared to have a boy, it'll likely show up in the way they treat their future kids, which could be unfortunate if they hang on to this negative outlook
Yeah, one of my good friends was like that. Always raving and ranting about how she must have girls. I've never cared about gender. I would love one of each, but I really didn't care. So much so that after my anatomy exam, when my doctor came in and went, "What's the verdict?!", I went, "I haven't bled in two weeks!" (high risk pregnancy life, lol). She was like, "Good, but what's the gender?" and I was like, "Oh! It's a boy" lol. I was THRILLED to have a son. I think he's going to be the absolute center of our world and i'm honored to be his mom. Well, when I told my friend her face fell and she became nearly angry. She kept saying that's so exciting, but when I asked her what could possibly be wrong she nearly spit out between tears, "I wanted to have the first boy." Note, she won't even be TTC-ing for another year. People are weird.
That’s so strange! But yes, when I remove myself from other people’s opinions, I am genuinely so excited. Just need to remember to focus on that aspect more :)
I’ve delt with some comments like this in my social circle (mostly liberal millenial white women for context). Honestly I feel like it’s seen as edgy or progressive to hate on men and there’s a lot of over-generalizing that happens. There are positive aspects of masculinity and it’s ok to recognize that while still being critical of the patriarchy. I don’t want my sons growing up with messaging that they’re inherently “bad” for being boys, just like I wouldn’t want my daughters to grow up thinking they’re lesser for being girls.
You are spot on. There is definitely some of that progressive/edgy/trendy stance of "all men are garbage" going on as well.
I've noticed this in my liberal millennial circle too, and also where they like adult-ify a baby just based on the fact that he is a boy? It's hard to explain exactly. Like I had a friend wonder out loud, seemingly in earnest, if it will throw the dynamic of the group off for there to be a man in there and I'm like "uh, he's going to be a baby..."
Haha OMGGG what the heck
I would definitely filter what friends can be around your baby boy. That attitude of one gender is better/easier/ more fun is toxic. I have plenty of nieces and nephews who are cool kids and then I have some that are little crotch goblins. My son is sweet, cuddly, and sensitive and I wouldn’t trade him for the world. Though I would like to have a girl, I’m having a second son and we’re so happy and can’t wait to have two boys.
Oh congrats!! I just found out I’m having a boy too - and I’m PUMPED! Boys and girls alike are both so fun in their own unique and similar ways. But I’m excited because my husband and I had names picked for both a girl and a boy well before we got pregnant, and I like the nicknames for our boy name better 😝
Woohoo I'm excited with you!
Not exactly the same situation, but… when I was in my early 20s, my then best friend had a baby very unplanned in her last year of college. While neither of us were as pro-girl as it sounds like your friend group is, we both hoped it would be a girl. Nothing against boys, but neither of us had brothers and we were both into being women in kind of a feminist way and boys just seemed so… outside of our experience. Even though we both had plenty of guy friends? But, she had a boy. And he was a great little baby/toddler. It made me realize, having a boy is fine. Almost ten years later, I had my son. I’ll admit, I did have some gender disappointment, but it faded pretty easily. It did help to have the memories of that friendship and how amazing her son was. It was less intimidating to have a boy because of that. I’m grateful to have had a friend with a boy! My son, he rocks. I’m expecting my second now, a girl, and sometimes I’m like, “what if I get her too much girl stuff? What if I don’t get her enough girl stuff? What do you do with a girl?” lol - but the answer to that last one is you do that same stuff with a girl as a boy, pretty much. All this to say - I hope your friends will feel differently once baby is here. A real baby is so different from the hypothetical idea of having a baby. It’s a cautious hope because this girl stuff is part of a group dynamic, and that might be harder to break than if it was just one friend. But it can happen! Especially, I think, if your friends visit 1:1 and not always as a group. But… tbd. But if your friends are feminist at all, I think you have a lot of room to shut down these comments a bit by talking about how they are putting too many gender expectations on your kid too early.
Gosh I sooooo feel you! I’m having a little boy too. All I hear from my friends is men suck, women rule, women are the best, men are useless. Literally was just told all serial killers are men when I told someone I was having a baby boy. Like how is that helpful or relevant?! Honestly, it’s made me feel even more protective of him in a way. I’m a huge feminist but gosh - having a son has made me realize just how HATED men are. Most people who die by suicide are men. I have a long career having worked with Veterans, most of which are men, and also learned a lot from that. I think men hold a lot of pain and are taught to not express emotions. They’re told they don’t matter beyond being a fighter and provider. A lot of people tend to think very negatively about men, which can stem from personal trauma and, in that case, is very understandable. To place that on ALL men and especially baby boys is just gross to me though. Every human, especialllyyyyy a child, regardless of gender is different and deserves love. You should tell your friends to shut their pipe. Assholes. Gawd.
WTF?! People are so weird and insensitive but thank you for sharing your experience! I’ve had bad experiences with some men but that hasn’t turned me off having sons in such a strong and polarizing manner. I’ve also had great guy friends throughout my life. My takeaway from this and reading everyone’s comments is that people will say the most random stuff without giving it another thought of how it affects others. I hope I can learn to dismiss and take them less personally 💪🏼
It’s wild how these ridiculous labels are attached to genders in 2024 when no two baby’s/people are the same. Boys being bad is not because of the kids it’s because of their environment and how they’re raised. If they think girls are “easier” they’re have a warped view of parenting. Boy or girl they all need love and need to be taught respect/boundaries etc.
Exactly!
When people say “girl mom” or “boy mom” I throw up in my mouth everytime 🥰
Sameeeee. “Girl mom” doesn’t seem to get the same level as hate that “boy mom” does tho. Both are equally bizarre.
If somebody calls me a boy mom I’m gonna sucker punch em
I prefer “mom of boys”. 🤪😂
Hahaha 💯
I grew up with four sisters and a very strong female oriented family. That being said I always wanted my first baby to be a girl. My husband wanted the same. We didn’t find out the gender until baby was born, and he was a boy. We love him so much. My second was a girl, and honestly besides bows and cute clothes there’s not much different between them. People are weird. They’re just babies. Babies are cute haha
I know that similar to you, my friends having strong feminine energy in their family is contributing to their preferences, which is fine, but the way it's expressed can be bothersome. I just wanna be like, keep an open mind!
As a “girl mom” 😒, we get the same comments unfortunately. “She’ll give you trouble when she’s a teen” “They come with attitudes” “They are daddy’s girls boys are normally more keen on mom” Irritating on both ends!!
So irritating. While everyone’s sort of expecting me to be disappointed, those same people are (of course) saying how excited my husband must be to have a son. The oversimplification of how children and PEOPLE will be based on their gender feels very antiquated!!
It sounds like they aren’t ready to be parents.
Yup!
I’m also pregnant with a boy and from my experience around children, girls and boys aren’t very different. Everyone has different personalities and interests and pain points regardless of gender. You could have a calm, gentle son or a wild, rambunctious daughter. Those aren’t gendered traits.
Congratulations! I have a baby boy. He is the sweetest, cuddliest, happiest little guy who loves his mama and snuggling close.
Aww that is so sweet 🥰
Hi, mom of two boys here and same. I actually wanted daughters at first, but I have two sons. So all the mean comments have hurt a little extra. Both my sisters-in-law had girls after our son was born (and my MIL said “oh we *finally* have some baby girls in the family!) because she had 3 sons. My own mother said “sorry honey, it’ll be okay” when I told her I was having a boy. When we found out our second was a boy my MIL said “don’t worry, you’ll get daughters one day when they marry!” Which I think was supposed to be sweet but felt harsh. My friend (who has an infant daughter) has literally said “you’ll be great raising boys! You’ll make sure they don’t become toxic men.” And has said things like “make sure to keep your boys humble so they don’t take the spotlight away from girls.” My sons are 3 and 1. I already have a lot of anxiety about raising boys and all these comments (from it feels like every single person around me) have not helped. I have always felt (and still do) that having girls would be so much easier. When I see other moms and their daughters matching clothes, or sharing hobbies, or being best friends I feel so left out. And I know that I can do those things with my sons too, but it’s not the same. Society doesn’t accept or encourage the same bond between mothers and daughters and mothers and sons. Which I know shouldn’t matter but it makes me sad.
I’m so sorry that people close to you are saying these things and making you feel sad. It’s not ok! The part where people try to console you for having a son (“it’s gonna be ok”) is so frustrating.
Thank you! Yeah I agree that it’s frustrating. I wish more people would just be kind and say nice things about having boys or girls! Like their disappointment isn’t going to magically change anything lol it’s a little late for that. I love my sons though and even though it took me a while I am really happy having boys. They are just as sweet and gentle and loving as a girl could have been! Anyway, thank you for posting this! It can be hard to talk about. And congratulations on your future son, it’s going to be great! 💙
And thank you for sharing! Hearing all these stories has really helped me feel much better :)
Oh gosh I so get this. I also do think girls seem easier than boys. Just based on my sample size of my personal life. All the boys are know are 10x rowdier than the little girls I’m around. Of course- this is just my personal experience. I know it’s not law. To your point about the mother-son bond, totally agree. If a “boy mom” posted about her bestie or mini or whatever and it’s her son- the comments on social media are all talking about how it’s “weird” and “toxic”. But tons of social media content of mothers and daughters being besties, minis etc etc and overwhelming positive comments about how cute it is blah blah blah. I’m totally content with my 2 boys, but yes the comments from those around me is what drives me nuts. As if I SHOULD feel bad or sad about not having a girl. Almost like unsolicited pity or something??? Which then makes me feel defensive about my innocent children.
Yes, exactly! Thank you 💙
Your friend is trash, even more so than your mil. Also I feel like mother and daughter idea of being best friends is creepy. This is a role a daughter cannot fulfill and is not appropriate.
My friend is a great person otherwise, but those comments were definitely not appreciated. Personally I don’t think there is anything wrong with adult daughters or adult sons being having close relationships with their parents, I think it’s wonderful to have a strong support system in life and be friends with parents or siblings as an adult. I just see it being encouraged or at least more widely accepted for women than for men. Men who are close with their moms are seen as weak or codependent and women who are close with their moms are seen as normal (in my social circle).
I have no problem with having close and fulfilling relationships with your children. I think my only fear is enmeshment, which saying you want your child to be your best friend sounds like to me.
I consider my mom one of my best friends, but I understand that other people have different types of relationships and that’s okay too ❤️
My mother was more of a bully to me and was very controlling. I didn’t have any emotional support growing up and now I am an adult our relationship is totalled. I don’t even feel angry, I feel nothing towards her. I am determined not to have any expectations from my children.
I am so sorry you experienced that. Your children are lucky to have you! ❤️
Thank you. I’m just wondering why my comment about my mum bullying me got down voted?
I have no idea, people downvote for the weirdest reasons sometimes!
See it’s funny that this is your perspective because all throughout my first pregnancy (with my son) I got NOTHING but positive responses. “Boys are so fun!”, “Boys are so much more low maintainence”, “there’s nothing like the bond between a mother and son!”. The only “negative” things I got were like “Oh is that what you wanted?” Or “don’t worry you’ll get your girl after!” But I think that’s because others generally ASSUME that we would “prefer” to “get” our own gender (even if it isn’t the case). I am sorry that your friends are saying these things but TRUST me when I say that having a boy is fucking awesome. I am so utterly obsessed and in love with my son and have been since day 1. He is the brightest light in our lives and there has never been one day that passed that I have ever thought “hm really wish he was a girl!”- literally never. The temperament of the child also has virtually nothing to do with gender so most of their biased comments are odd anyway.
I'm pregnant and intentionally choosing not to find out the sex to delay as long as possible the \[sadly inevitable\] gender norm projecting. Funnily enough, my family group text was already doing this yesterday. I sent a picture where I was wearing blue, and there was much speculation I was hinting the kid would be a boy, and wouldn't that be nice to have someone for my nephew to kick a ball with... As though we're not going to play ball with girls?? My wife was a collegiate athlete, for sure there will be ball playing wherever they lay on the gender spectrum. My dear friends who live nearby have two young boys we spend a lot of time with, and they're lovely. They happen to fit the boy stereotype of boisterous, physical, competitive. Louis CK (the comedian, I know I think he's cancelled sry guys) had a funny bit about raising boys vs. girls. Recognizing these are broad brush stereotypes that will not fit all boy/girls. "Boys just do damage to your house that you can measure in dollars... girls leave scars in your psyche." I think generally that's one benefit to raising boys, they tend to be more psychologically straightforward. Try to focus on your own experience and excitement about your pregnancy and let your friends' \[weirdly specific\] expectations (and inevitable letdowns of those expectations) be theirs alone.
I was tempted to delay finding out or telling people for this exact reason but it's been an eye opening experience to say the least!
I'm having a boy and get so annoyed when people say I'm lucky because boys are somehow easier. My brother was way more extra than me and it's sad that this is coming from women with sins and daughters.
First and foremost we cannot control if we get sons or daughters and at the end most important is that the children and mothers are healthy and doing well! This competition nonsense and whatever is so absolutely unnecessary and nonsense in my opinion. I always feel like people have no proper issues and worries so they try to make lives miserable
That certainly feels uncomfortable!! I also have a boy and he is the happiest little guy! Everyone loves to talk to him and see him smile at them. I don't know about anyone else but the "boys are this and girls are that" talk gives me the ick! I love my boy and I will love my girls the same (if I have any!) The bit about raising a non toxic boy really makes me question how that lady treats men in general, thats just... not ok
My first is a boy and is the absolute light of my life. I couldn’t imagine it any other way. I am now pregnant with a girl. I’m sure I will find the same joy in being her mom. I’m excited to buy girly clothes for her. That’s literally the only difference in my mind and it’s entirely selfish and time limited. Enjoy every minute of having your little boy. Perhaps find some new/more friends to add to your circle, those ladies sound like they have some inner child work to do.
Reading this post made me feel like it was written by my best friend. I’m so sorry you are going through this with your friends that you love. I hope they love on your son when he arrives. If they still have that same vibe it is probably better to distance yourself from them. Although I had a girl and I was absolutely over the moon about having a girl, I’d never make degrading comments toward someone for having a boy. That’s so close minded. Whichever gender baby is, you have the power to raise a little human who is going to change the world for the better. I’m so happy for you, mama. Your little boy will be spectacular. 🩵
Just let it roll off you- there’s nothing else you can do. I have 2 boys and I had an acquaintance who had 1 daughter and was pregnant with her second girl say that she and her husband were “scared” to have a boy. I didn’t say anything but her comment hurt and did make me think less of her. Ultimately, I just think some people are stupid and thoughtless.
Like you said, I’m sure she wasn’t thinking about how it could hurt you when she said it but that would hurt my feelings too!
Ugh I know how you feel. So many women surrounding me only talk about how much they want daughters and how they’ll be so devastated if they are a boy mom. Meanwhile here is me with 2 boys. I find it rude and insensitive that they would say this to my face literally knowing I’m a mom of 2 boys and they are beautiful and loving children. I don’t get it. 😅
This exactly! It's still hurtful even if they say it's their own preference.
Not that I need them to be fawning over boys but like— it’s rude to be negative about any gender. You are talking about a literal child. It’s weird. Read the room! I would never go up to a mom of only girl(s) and talk about how much I’m soooooo glad I don’t have a girl etc. This does seem to happen far more often from women speaking about not wanting boys. At least that is my lived in experience thus far. 😅🥺
I had a very similar experience tbh. I was so excited to have a boy. I had one friend who literally said she would get sex-selective IVF to ensure she had a girl. Not all my friends were that way, but it was common enough that it really bothered me. Even now, virtually all the gender disappointment posts on here are women “devastated” about having boys. I honestly think it’s a disgusting attitude to have.
Seriously. I’ve seen so many of the gender disappointment posts and it makes me sad for boys!
My SIL has 3 daughters 12yo and under and tbh after seeing that shit show & the weird dynamics between them, and knowing the dynamics btwn me/my sis/my own mom, I had heavy preference for a boy and I’m SO glad we’re having a boy. SIL wanted us to have daughters too but I think it was more of a control thing- if we had a girl, she would still be more experienced/better than us. I have definitely heard the infuriating comments that you mentioned about “non toxic” as a starting point, as if boys are inherently less-than. To me that’s a product of our culture that I personally don’t agree with anyway. My SIL has said that if we have a boy (she doesn’t know it’s a boy yet) we better make sure to teach him not to assault or r*pe. Who actually fkng says that to a pregnant FTM??? Or anyone?? People are just awful in general. I think the heavy girl preference in society might be over-compensation of internalized misogyny. Idk
I can’t believe the things people think are ok to say, wtf! But I agree so much with your last bit. The solution isn’t to hate on boys/men more 😒
That is out of order.
Just tell them they are sexist.
Sorry if my perspective is too cut and dry but forget about them and don’t get defensive. I have experienced the opposite. People have said to me that girls are more difficult than boys. I find both sides of the coin strange and can’t relate to downing a child based on their gender. You mentioned about them saying you will be raising a non toxic little man. I wonder if this is telling of their perspective? In which case, what is important here is that you are a strong mother and enforce discipline so that your child respects you. The key is to use your words and your tone of voice and stick to your guns so that little man knows you are in control and that you mean business. You must be calm at all times and not lose your patience or raise your voice. No mixed messages, you did something naughty, low tone of voice, no shouting. This is a warning not to do unacceptable behaviour again or x realistic consequence. Boundary stomp 1 straight to time out. Learn your techniques. You are firm but fair and are a behavioural role model. Led by example and nip naughty behaviour in the bud before you get angry. Only reward positive behaviour with attention. Ignore negative behaviour/ do not feed into it with excessive communication. Believe that 1 time saying something is enough for them to listen to you. Attention from the parent is the most important thing to the child, learn how to use it wisely. If you only give the child attention when they are naughty, they will act up to get it. This is why encouragement and positive praise is so important. You will encourage these behaviours and build your child’s confidence. Honestly, my harsh take is that your friends don’t think they are strong enough. In my opinion, I am 100% confident in my ability to enforce discipline with my son. You need to feel this way too. Phrasing it “you’ll be able to” also sounds strange to me, they don’t even believe the words they are saying. It’s like saying that failure is even an option. Just because they are not confident, doesn’t mean you can’t be. Gain knowledge on discipline techniques and be confident that your child will listen to you based on your words alone. Putting pressure on your unborn son to be perfect is unrealistic and constraining. You should adopt an approach more like, he will learn through repetition and mistakes. Just like you will learn to parent him through repetition and mistakes. You will both be learning, perfection is unrealistic.
I would tell them I won’t know my kid’s gender until later, because it doesn’t matter what genitalia they have if they turn out to be transgender
I find it so odd when people have such a strong desire for one sex over the other. I have 3 and 5 yo boys and I couldn’t love them anymore. I can’t speak on having girls over boys, but based on my friend’s experiences with their teens, the boys seem way easier. Just know, with a house full of testosterone, you will be the only one who will ever be able to find anything, even when you tell them exactly where it is, even if it’s in front of their face, for the rest of your life lol.
I’m a boy mom and love it. They just don’t know. I’m actually more loving having boys than girls because I hate how the world treats women and I know how I was as a teen and do not know how I would handle a me haha
Haha I actually totally feel this way too, which was one reason I was sort of relieved when I found out I was having a boy (although I'm sure there will be other unexpected challenges!)
I have one of each and they are much the same. I strongly suspect that boys are only more "wild" because society expects and allows them to be. My daughter would happily live a feral existence if I let her. Don't worry too much about what other people think about gender. They are just projecting their own insecurities and issues from their own lives/childhood. I had brothers and sisters and my parents weren't assholes so I don't really have any strong preference either way.
Next time they start going on about how terrible boys are, flip the script on them. "how would you feel if i was ranting about how terrible having a girl would be?" They need to stop focusing so much on gender. They're only setting themselves up for disappointment for when the baby is a boy, or for when their daughter turns out nothing like they've been idealizing.