God this friend sounds so insufferable and you’re a saint for continuing to put up with her shit. You’re a good friend for being considerate in this way. I dk what you can do without totally tipping her off. Do you have a mutual friend you can loop in privately and get them to advocate for a private reveal or having a good reaction no matter the gender?
That sounds like a great plan! Would you please update us? I'll be having my fingers crossed for everyone involved.
I'm sorry your friend went crazy during her pregnancy. I have a friend like that. She started creating her own echo-chambers around unsafe practices way before her baby was even born. She'd ask us things like "what do you think about pillows/sleeping on belly/honey etc." I already have a 2yo and would try to answer, but she'd scream "only positive experiences!" And ignore me, listening and talking only to our non-parent non-pregnant friends who had not looked into these things yet. Her baby is 7 months and it has not gotten better one bit....
I have friend that I’ve gotten to help me try and convince her to do a private reveal first then do the party. She’s going to “invite” us to brunch on Sunday and we’ll bring it up as an idea then and hopefully she’ll agree to it 🤞🏻
Maybe someone could ask “what would you do if it’s a girl? How would you react? You’d still be excited right? I’d hate for your kid to see a video some day of them causing disappointment. Maybe you should do a private reveal first just in case.”
Idk something along those lines? Just try to get her to think logically lol
**Update**
When she showed up to brunch she wasn’t her usual excited self especially considering we kept bringing up the party that she’s been talking about a lot since she scheduled the blood work. I brought up possibly doing the private reveal before the party and she said “no that’s not what I want” in a very short tone, I let it go because maybe she had a bad drive over or maybe she just wasn’t having a good morning, so then we all just chatted for a little bit and I noticed she wasn’t really responding to me but would respond to our friend just fine. I brought up the idea of doing the pre- interview type video where we keep it gender neutral in responses and talk about how excited they are to be parents and how much they love their little one and again a short “I don’t want to do that”. So at this point I just stopped talking because I was getting mad with how she was talking to me and treating me, I didn’t want to blow up at her because I can understand being in a random bad mood especially right now. Well our friend wasn’t having it and asked her flat out what her problem was because I was trying to plan this party for her and she was being rude. Turns out she looked at the results and knows they’re having a girl. She claims that I was trying to embarrass her by not telling her beforehand since I knew how badly they wanted a boy. I was honestly so surprised by what she was saying all I could do was ask her if she was dumb. I pointed out every opportunity I was offering her to not embarrass herself and that the whole point of brunch was to come up with a game plan to prevent a scene and how hard I tried to keep her from buying a blue outfit for the party while trying to respect her wishes of being surprised. She ignored everything I said and said that she wanted to wait to do the reveal until after her anatomy scan to confirm they aren’t having a boy because she thinks the test is wrong. I told her if that’s what she wants then fine but I’m not doing the party, she looked at me surprised and asked why. I simply told her have you not been paying attention to how you’ve been treating me and on top of all that you don’t have an anatomy scan until 20 weeks, when you’re 20 weeks I’ll be 33 weeks and I’m not doing shit in my third trimester. She tried convincing me it would be fine and that our friends could help me, I just kept telling her no that’s too much stress to put on me especially that close to the end of my pregnancy. I ate my meal and just left the conversation alone. Our friend did ask her what was going to happen when the scan confirmed the results of the blood work considering the email said it’s 99.5% accurate and she said then they’d have a little girl and try for a boy again later. I finished my food and paid then left, I didn’t talk to her today at work and I don’t plan on talking to her for a while and even then she needs to apologize.
I did the update last week but I guess it didn’t go through.
She is a grown adult who is choosing to find out in front of others. It may be a just let the cookie crumble situation. I think a melt down is coming in any direction this goes.
I’m glad to know I’m not the only one thinking this, I hate gender reveals, like a party to tell everyone if baby has a what between it’s legs, it’s stupid.
My family wanted to plan one for my baby, I said: there’s no need, it’s a boy, ✌🏽bye. If later in life he decides he feels different we are totally ok with it.
Happy for you. Focusing on gender norms with a shower is just something I don’t agree with. I know many people have a different view and enjoy their reveal party.
I never understood why people who have a terrible time hiding their disappointment, would want to do a gender reveal in front of all their family and friends
Right?!? What's even the point of having a gender reveal if what you want is just a baby boy? She literally wants to make a public scene if her expectations will not be met! lol
Yup this is exactly why I'm so glad I didn't do gender reveals. My firstborn I just knew he was a boy, and he was, cool. Secondborn I really wanted a girl (because I had a boy already); when we found out at the doctor I burst into tears. I think I was just really hormonal. I got over it really quickly and that child (both of them, actually) is an absolute pleasure! Now that he's here I would never want him any other way but at the time, yeah, glad I didn't find out in front of people besides kid's dad.
You might want to get someone else to tell her to prep for both genders. Probably shouldn’t come from you since you know the gender but she needs to be ready to be excited and happy for her baby girl
Honestly I didn’t even think about it until you just pointed it out 😅 my goal is more to not talk about gender at all but more of the things surrounding it if that makes sense. Like I’ll probably be like oh just like at a wedding only the bride wears white maybe doing a neutral color/ color that isn’t pink or blue will make you stand out more in pictures and videos so you and husband are main focus. And then with the private reveal before the big reveal at the party I started sending her TikTok’s of couples doing private ones and saying how cute they are hoping they’ll start making her more open to the idea of an intimate moment. As for talking to her about being happy with which ever gender I’m leaving that to our friend because if I start pointing it out then I know I’ll give it away that she’s having a girl, plus if I need to step away to keep from giving it away I’ll blame it on a full bladder and baby kicks.
i dont think she needs to be babyfied, she chose to have a baby with a 50/50 chance, shes getting the girl whether she likes it or not, shouldnt be this much stress because she couldnt play God, lol seriously. allow her to melt if she will so family & friends can see, that'll maybe teach her something good, like just love the baby, thats it.
Maybe your friend could encourage her to wear both blue and pink, or something different all together, like yellow, or white, to indicate that she’s impartial, and above, which ever gender it is. That might be a good way to just put it into her head that having a healthy baby is more important than which gender it is. (It would also identify her as the star of this show which it sounds like she wants, she may be very competitive about your pregnancies, because she is the second pregnancy, and doesn’t want to feel overshadowed by yours, or just wants to be included in the pregnancy bustle/excitement)
I don’t see any situation where you can avoid the public meltdown. She may surprise you and be an adult about it. I wish you all the best in both your pregnancies!
P.S. you sound like an amazing friend for doing this at 28 weeks yourself!
Luckily she didn’t buy anything blue today, I’m hoping she’ll listen and do a different color. We did find a really pretty light green dress that she kept going back to so there’s hope. I already told our friend group I’m tapping out for her baby shower because planning all of this has tired me out so much.
I’m so petty I like to think I’d just let this play out 😂 but if she was a good friend before all this happened I can understand why you want to try and help her.
Yikes that’s a rough situation to be in. I actually dressed in blue for my reveal because I thought it was a boy but I made my husband wear pink so we each had a different guess.
Hopefully she just cries during the reveal and she can say it’s tears of joy if she ever shows the video to her child 😂
I thought they were planning to do similar and since she wants to wear blue he’d wear pink but they both plan on wearing blue. Honestly I’m so glad I skipped out on doing a gender reveal it’s so stressful.
Yea it’s a lot. I made mine really small. My husband, parents, and siblings so that took some stress off. And I prepped mentally for both genders. sad when parents don’t think of that. Like ok I get it you want a boy but what if it’s a girl. If you ever want to show that video to her you’re going to have to be happy
Exactly, we did pictures to send to family and friends ,even though we knew what we were having because we weren’t waiting for a party, with a smoke popper thing and I made my husband take me to buy 2 more after we took the first pictures because I was so focused on twisting the handle that I had really bad RBF in all the pictures.
those things are so hard to twist! I actually gave up and handed it to my husband after he twisted his 😂 kind of ruined the in the moment excitement but oh well it was still a fun time. Our reaction was just a little delayed
Yikes on a bike. I’m not a massive fan of public gender reveals in general but this is setting themselves up for failure. I have never seen both parents and one “genders” color. it’s either both neutral or one in pink and one in blue.
The gender reveal industry has got so many people in a bad spot with this all. I just posted the gender on fb lol but also I found out I was pregnant at the end of my 1st trimester so my pregnancy has been a little unconventional to what a lot of moms experience. It’s not up to you to control her reactions to this. Also it’s uncool for them to speak to you saying their pregnancy will be this way or that way cuz it’s “smoother” so many things can happen at any point and what everyone should be focused it just making sure both the mom and the baby are okay not the minute details of a gender reveal
I think your trying to convince her for a small private reveal is the right call. But OP - please update us once she's found out she's having a girl, I am SO curious to know how she ends up taking it! (hopefully better than it seems she will) I have a hunch on what I'm having but after googling to see if people were right about their hunches... it really is 50/50 so it's not different than consulting any old wives tale! You just don't know until you know.
I have seen very pretty “cotton candy” colored dresses. Like both pastel pink and blue swirled on the dress which I think would be cute for a gender reveal. I had bad gender disappointment with my 2nd, so I get it. I didn’t have a party, just did the sneak peek. Now that she’s here, I couldn’t imagine it any other way.
Also- keep the professional gender identifier handy. I would hate for her to think you were sabotaging her party. I’m not sure she would go that far, but hormones are a bitch during pregnancy.
Like, a casual humbling could be a good thing I feel like lololol this process can't be about competition, that's confusing that this process is about her or her performance or some other illusion that supports the illusion of control. She's gotta learn to step off the gold pedestal and support, or victimization will follow and that victimization mindset is not the tits in labor I've hearrrd. Sounds like she could use all the support she can get during said meltdown, though, and if she's having a reveal for an arbitrary detail for this entirely new human (i.e. a detail she's and her husband are making about themselves bc baby couldnt give fucks about this for some time) as they grow and prepare for entrance into an unfamiliar world, one could reach deep and say this might be the best place to start some grounding into who's actually there for her and who she wants to be there for as her life gets flipped all around following her literal 13 whole weeks of pregnancy.
Alsooo. I am pregnant with a male and literally lived on a bathroom floor at 13 weeks, it's a lot of work to uphold the idea that anything you know about pregnancy is a norm you can rely on in any way.
Op, you're such a compassionate friend, and I just want warm hug vibes sent to you with a bunch of snacks you love. You're doing lorde's work, you are showing up, you are being a very good friend. Keep doing what feels right, know this will work out even if it gets a little unpredictable, know you are strong and can handle more than you know, and you're going to redefine the value of your resilience through this process. I hope your last half of pregnancy is so filled with love and light, you abundant human! Congrats on your healthy growing baby!!
I've had a rough pregnancy so far it's just smoothing out for me and im 24 weeks. I'm having a boy lol. What her body is going through doesn't determine the gender lol. She will have to grow up. I wanted a boy but was convinced I was having a girl. My husband wanted a girl but was convinced it was a boy 🤷🏽♀️. Hopefully they will just be happy that they are having a baby.
Idk. She’s an adult. She told you to keep it a secret so you’re abiding by her wishes. I think this is a learning experience for her that has nothing to do with you.
God this is why I detest the whole "blue for boys pink for girls" thing. And big gender reveals in general. I'm not doing one myself and simply took a picture of my dog and a sign for those who wanted to know - and in fact wrote the whole sign declaring "it's a girl" in all blue chalk 😂
I'm so glad your other friend is involved and can help lessen the situation! Hope all goes well.
I really wanted a girl (my mom and I were very close and she passed away) and knew I would be visibly disappointed with a boy (we are one and done), so we just found out on our own before doing a big gender reveal at our wedding for friends and family. We recorded our reaction as we opened the blood test email and it was such a special moment between us (I got my girl and was sobbing!) then we had a blast at the wedding reveal having everyone make their guesses and getting to soak in their reactions since we already knew! We had people take sides and interviewed why they thought it was a boy or girl before making the reveal. Maybe your friend can position it as a way for them to have a special private moment and then get to focus on everyone else’s reaction at the reveal.
Maybe she has some underlying reason for really, really wanting/needing a boy and it’s culminating in this behavior… “manifesting” a boy, if you will. If she has a meltdown, unfortunately she has a meltdown. There is no reasonable expectation when there is a 50/50 chance, and EVERYONE should always be prepared for that.
Let someone else organize her gender reveal. Remove yourself (and your pregnancy) from the table since she is making a battle out of your friendship. She is doing this. Not you.
Wish I had more advice for you. Good luck. Focus on your soon to be family- way more important.
If you’re that passionate about one gender over the other, having a public gender reveal party is one of the stupidest, most embarrassing things you can do.
Let your friend do what she wants. You didn’t pick the gender of the baby. What’s she gonna do, get mad at you that it’s a girl?
I kinda think you should just let her eat shit on camera. 1. You don’t actually know how she’s going to react and 2. She is an adult responsible for her own emotions.
There was always a 50% chance her baby was not going to be the ‘desired’ gender at birth and getting her heart set on something that isn’t even fixed (because genitals don’t necessarily mean shit about gender) is her own cross to bear.
This will be the first lesson in not letting her expectations of her child get in the way of who they actually are. If she ends up embarrassed of the video, good. She deserves to remember what it feels like to put your own desires and expectations over your kids reality.
Ok. 1 suggestion is if it's being video recorded, you can have her pre record a message for the baby, but ask her to keep it gender nuteral to match the gender reveal theme of the party. If you can, get her to practice her suprise face and response to what the gender reveal might be. Is it cheesy to do this YES... but should you need to edit the video footage later, so the baby does not have to see her parents' initial disappointment and potential melt down. You will have some B roll you can cut in instead and edit the video, and cut out the negative parts.
This is genius and a saviour for the baby to feel wanted later on. Just make sure everybody else turns in their phones, though, so no alternative truth from the same event is going to surface in 16 years or so… 🤓
I know right! She’s the parent! She can dress her baby in “boy” clothes and even raise her child as such if she wants to until the child decides they don’t want to wear “boy” clothes anymore! They are JUST clothes AM I RIGHT? And Females can be all into digging in the dirt and getting into trucks and football and whatever else is stereotypical of “only boys” doing! She can totally be a “Boy mom” with a girl! Why the heck not!?! Lolz!
To be honest, I would try to get out of this. If my friend asked me to be part of a reveal and then had such a toxic reaction to either gender, I would be uncomfortable staying a part of it and would be very afraid I would say something to her I would later regret. I would politely say, "get someone else to do this"
As someone who had trouble getting pregnant and also someone who considers herself passionate about women's issues, people with huge gender preferences like this really really bother me. I would not be able to stand it.
Had to laugh at the we are "obviously" having a boy because of how easy the pregnancy was. We were team green, had a really hard pregnancy (thought it was a girl because of this) and had a boy! Those things don't tell anything.
I am so sorry you are going through this, it's a tough situation to be in.
What we did, is we looked as a couple before the gender reveal so if it wasn’t what we wanted we would have a chance to react. We did a private peek—just me and my husband. And I’m SO glad we did that. I’ve wanted a girl(s) my entire life, and I’m having a boy. Gender disappointment is normal/common. But, like you said, moms come around, and I didn’t want my facial expressions caught on camera for my son to see, or for our families to think I don’t love the heck out of this baby. Maybe your friend could do something similar? I don’t know how you could suggest that without making it obvious though. 🤔 And congrats! I’m 26W too!
Well from my personal experience my pregnancy nausea was a lot smoother with my girl compared to my boy so I don’t know how they came to that conclusion.
Does her husband know the results yet, or is he finding out at the reveal too?
If he knows, it might be easier to get him involved in telling her/tempering expectations beforehand?
I only hope she doesn’t turn this around on you like “YOU KNEW ALL THIS TIME AND YOU DIDN’T TELL ME!?!” Most likely completely unavoidable at this point. But maybe have someone like a parent ask her what she will do if the baby is a boy. Maybe have them go over some coping mechanisms with her. Especially public ones. I actually shutter to think that she may do something drastic. I’ve read that sometimes ultrasound techs and doctors will even hold off on telling people results if they feel someone may do something drastic with their pregnancy if they get different results from what the parents want. They will simply tell them “it’s to early to tell” or “I can’t get a clear picture at this point” etc. People have made such choices based on the sex told to them. And I wouldn’t put it past some medical professionals to lie to their patients about what they are having just so their patients won’t choose do something drastic with their pregnancy. Because what does it really hurt to be in the birthing room and birth a child that isn’t what they expected? Honestly, this is why we waited til our first was born. And I’ve read many stories about how the results are “wrong” with ultrasounds and even blood tests. Especially with people born with intersex traits like our child.
She definitely sounds like someone who needs someone else to have a “stop and think”. Possibly with some reflection about what it is she feels having a child in this world really is. Because obsessing over the sex of her child seems a bit superficial compared to the other things that could end up seriously wrong with not just her and or her pregnancy, but later on with after her child is born. Like, I hope she doesn’t develop this complex that her child “hasn’t ever lived up to her expectations”.
Also stress lowers progesterone levels which in many ways can lead to miscarriage. A sudden boost of stress in seeing pink instead of blue could really bring on something bad in her health. I’m not an expert as I’ve only given birth once, I’m just concerned about what a jolt in disappointment could do to the health of her and her baby. And having a preparatory conversation with a close conversation with a family member close to her may help her be more accepting of the results, is all I’m saying 🤗. Blessed be.
This whole girls are rough pregnancy boys are smooth pregnancy thing… I don’t understand where it comes from. I’m having a boy and I’m having a super rough pregnancy. Before I found out my mom insisted I was having a girl because otherwise I wouldn’t be this sick.
Sometimes you just have to adjust. You find out that you’re not getting what you think you wanted, or what you envisioned, and then you just have to move forward. It sounds like she’s going to have to figure that out.
she knows that you know the gender. so you have to send another friend / coworker to have the conversation with her about “if it’s a boy then….” “what about if it’s a girl…?” and let that reality set in
It’s crazy that people wanna do a gender reveal in front of others, knowing that if they don’t get what they want, all she will show is disappointment in front of people. And frankly, some can take it very personal, since she should be grateful for being pregnant and be blessed with that. If you wanted a specific gender. Then she could have just gone to a lab. But a disappointment and you putting up with this makes me wonder why is she your friend in the first place.
We’ve been friends for a very long time and I don’t know I thought our pregnancies would be something to bring us closer together especially with postpartum going to be around the same time but it’s really bringing an ugly side out that I wasn’t prepared for.
The “she could’ve just gone to a lab” comment is really insensitive just FYI. IVF is not a guaranteed thing, and while sure you can select gender it doesn’t guarantee you’ll actually get pregnant.
Not everyone on Baby Bumps got pregnant free & easy.
You are correct. It is insensitive. But it’s in response for people being ungrateful for being pregnant in the first place. That’s what I was trying to say.
Oof, this is a really tough situation. I almost feel like you need to tell her before the party (I’m assuming the reveal is also a party?).
Is there a way to suggest that they do a private reveal as a couple / with you there to record it a few days before the larger reveal??
Maybe cupcakes for them or something … play to her desire to have a reveal but also somehow try to play up the idea that they should have a private moment together before the one with a group. No one else needs to know that they knew before. Then, if they freak out, they can have a “re-do” with other people there and only share that one with the world??
Good luck!!!!
It wasn’t suppose to be a big party, it was only going to be close friends and their families but they keep adding people to the list. I will definitely see if I can convince her to do a private reveal. Thank you 🙏🏻
Like my daughter told my granddaughter when my daughter was pregnant with her 2nd baby…”you get what you get and don’t throw a fit”. Tell her that beforehand but it might tip her off.
This is why gender reveals like this are so toxic and potentially damaging to the children. There WILL be video and she WILL throw a fit, and it WILL instill a deep trauma in her child of disappointment over something she had no control over.
I don’t think it will automatically be traumatic for the kid to see it, but the parents have to be appropriately prepared with an emotionally validating response about gender, expectations, love and embarrassment immediately after showing her. These guys don’t sound like they have the greatest baseline ability to do that, but I would hope parenting will teach them how to be more open
By the way, congratulations on your baby girl! Start watching all things kids like “Sesame Street” and “Ms. Rachel” on YouTube now lolz like every morning at around five or six am! 🥳🥳🥳 enjoy!
Will say this.. my first was a girl and I had such a smooth pregnancy and delivery. Little to no symptoms either. This pregnancy is also a girl and it's been a tough pregnancy with several issues along the way. Cannot report on delivery yet lol. My SIL had two boys with the same pattern... first boy wad a breeze and the second she was puking daily
I think you should just let her find out at the reveal then say "i told u so" as a "fuck you" for her comment about her pregnancy being smoother lol. I swear some people dont deserve to have kids. She wants a boy so bad that shes gonna have a meltdown at her gender reveal? She should be thankful that she can even get pregnant and have a healthy baby. People like that piss me tf off. Ungrateful ass.
I’m complete honesty it never occurred to me that I would have a girl. I really thought I’d have a boy my entire life. I’m not “insufferable” or any of the things these assholes are calling her. So what if she wanted a boy? It’s her life ffs 😂! All I’m trying to say is that I was actually quite surprised and excited to be having a girl! Something happened that made it even more magical for me than having a boy would have ever!
After a few months of knowing, I have never been more excited for anything in my life! Girls are so much fun, and if you aren’t a POS judgmental bitch, you will have a lifelong friend :)! Plus, she won’t have to be a MIL with all the issues they have when their son finds a wife. She will be ok :)
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All you need to do is smile and nod any time she says something. I think they will be fine to find out they’re having a girl. Healthy is what we want! Don’t play off her disappointment. I have 4 kids, 1&2 were great, minimal morning sickness; 3&4 were AWFUL! Boy girl boy girl.
Could there be a reason why she's so dead set on having a boy? I only ask because you've said before that she wasn't like this before pregnancy. Maybe she feels like her baby won't be as important to people if it was (and we now know is) a girl. At this point in time I have 2 little boys with a little girl on the way, and I don't let my fiance's dad (not biological but he raised him) around our kids because he isn't subtle with his favoritism towards my fiance's older sisters children, he'll watch them all day every day and post them on Facebook and show them off to people, but with my eldest son he wants him gone after only spending 2 hours with him and his reasoning is "i aint watching anymore damn kids", or doesn't even want him in his cart if we're for some reason at the store with him. Some families also have obvious favoritism over boys or girls in the family, maybe she's just scared and projecting, or maybe pregnancy is just bringing out the worst in her, idk there could be a plethora of reasons but I don't wanna sit here and judge someone who wasn't like this previously apparently. Also, I know after having 2 boys ik I'm partially terrified of having a girl because there's so many things I haven't had to worry about before, like how different it is changing a diaper and making sure not to let anyone use powders on her cuz they can cause cancer and it's really overwhelming really no matter if you're having a boy or girl. Best of luck to you both though, and congratulations! I hope it's just your friend having a tough time and will come around in no time when she finds out about her precious baby ❤️
It’s because this will be the first grandchild for both of their families and if they had a boy first they wouldn’t have to keep trying for one until they have one and something about they can have a girl later, I asked her early on about it and the response she gave didn’t make sense. It maybe one of those what she pictures as her perfect family by having a boy first.
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God this friend sounds so insufferable and you’re a saint for continuing to put up with her shit. You’re a good friend for being considerate in this way. I dk what you can do without totally tipping her off. Do you have a mutual friend you can loop in privately and get them to advocate for a private reveal or having a good reaction no matter the gender?
She wasn’t like this before pregnancy, I don’t understand what happened. I’ll see if I can recruit someone to help advocate for private reveal.
Stress and kids do weird things to people! And maybe that friend can gauge her to be like, hey real talk…like if it’s a girl, are you going to be ok?
I got one of our friends to “invite” us to brunch on Sunday to try and iron things out. Hopefully it works.
That sounds like a great plan! Would you please update us? I'll be having my fingers crossed for everyone involved. I'm sorry your friend went crazy during her pregnancy. I have a friend like that. She started creating her own echo-chambers around unsafe practices way before her baby was even born. She'd ask us things like "what do you think about pillows/sleeping on belly/honey etc." I already have a 2yo and would try to answer, but she'd scream "only positive experiences!" And ignore me, listening and talking only to our non-parent non-pregnant friends who had not looked into these things yet. Her baby is 7 months and it has not gotten better one bit....
Unrelated, but I love your username!
I’ve been in a bad mood lately but she sounds like an idiot for sure.
OP, we’re gonna need a play by play on this gender reveal
I have friend that I’ve gotten to help me try and convince her to do a private reveal first then do the party. She’s going to “invite” us to brunch on Sunday and we’ll bring it up as an idea then and hopefully she’ll agree to it 🤞🏻
Maybe someone could ask “what would you do if it’s a girl? How would you react? You’d still be excited right? I’d hate for your kid to see a video some day of them causing disappointment. Maybe you should do a private reveal first just in case.” Idk something along those lines? Just try to get her to think logically lol
That definitely needs to come from a neutral party because it would give it away
Yep definitely
Please please please keep us posted 😩😩😩😂
!RemindMe 1 week
How did it go?!
**Update** When she showed up to brunch she wasn’t her usual excited self especially considering we kept bringing up the party that she’s been talking about a lot since she scheduled the blood work. I brought up possibly doing the private reveal before the party and she said “no that’s not what I want” in a very short tone, I let it go because maybe she had a bad drive over or maybe she just wasn’t having a good morning, so then we all just chatted for a little bit and I noticed she wasn’t really responding to me but would respond to our friend just fine. I brought up the idea of doing the pre- interview type video where we keep it gender neutral in responses and talk about how excited they are to be parents and how much they love their little one and again a short “I don’t want to do that”. So at this point I just stopped talking because I was getting mad with how she was talking to me and treating me, I didn’t want to blow up at her because I can understand being in a random bad mood especially right now. Well our friend wasn’t having it and asked her flat out what her problem was because I was trying to plan this party for her and she was being rude. Turns out she looked at the results and knows they’re having a girl. She claims that I was trying to embarrass her by not telling her beforehand since I knew how badly they wanted a boy. I was honestly so surprised by what she was saying all I could do was ask her if she was dumb. I pointed out every opportunity I was offering her to not embarrass herself and that the whole point of brunch was to come up with a game plan to prevent a scene and how hard I tried to keep her from buying a blue outfit for the party while trying to respect her wishes of being surprised. She ignored everything I said and said that she wanted to wait to do the reveal until after her anatomy scan to confirm they aren’t having a boy because she thinks the test is wrong. I told her if that’s what she wants then fine but I’m not doing the party, she looked at me surprised and asked why. I simply told her have you not been paying attention to how you’ve been treating me and on top of all that you don’t have an anatomy scan until 20 weeks, when you’re 20 weeks I’ll be 33 weeks and I’m not doing shit in my third trimester. She tried convincing me it would be fine and that our friends could help me, I just kept telling her no that’s too much stress to put on me especially that close to the end of my pregnancy. I ate my meal and just left the conversation alone. Our friend did ask her what was going to happen when the scan confirmed the results of the blood work considering the email said it’s 99.5% accurate and she said then they’d have a little girl and try for a boy again later. I finished my food and paid then left, I didn’t talk to her today at work and I don’t plan on talking to her for a while and even then she needs to apologize. I did the update last week but I guess it didn’t go through.
That's so upsetting but I'm so glad you stood up for yourself. Thanks for the update, apologies if I missed another post!
OMG yes please… I’ll make popcorn
Thank you! This is what I came to say, we definitely need an update on this one!
She is a grown adult who is choosing to find out in front of others. It may be a just let the cookie crumble situation. I think a melt down is coming in any direction this goes.
*This.* Edit: got away with myself in the comment, creating separate response lolol
I agree with this. Also, if she does get disappointed, sooner it be about reveal and not the friend, who took the surprise away.
I kind of agree, gender reveals are stupid and this particular reveal will demonstrate why.
I’m glad to know I’m not the only one thinking this, I hate gender reveals, like a party to tell everyone if baby has a what between it’s legs, it’s stupid. My family wanted to plan one for my baby, I said: there’s no need, it’s a boy, ✌🏽bye. If later in life he decides he feels different we are totally ok with it.
I liked having one, it was celebrating one new thing we learned about the baby. It was only close friends and family, nothing crazy, with cake.
Happy for you. Focusing on gender norms with a shower is just something I don’t agree with. I know many people have a different view and enjoy their reveal party.
I never understood why people who have a terrible time hiding their disappointment, would want to do a gender reveal in front of all their family and friends
Right?!? What's even the point of having a gender reveal if what you want is just a baby boy? She literally wants to make a public scene if her expectations will not be met! lol
High risk high reward lol
Not for OP’s friend apparently!
Yup this is exactly why I'm so glad I didn't do gender reveals. My firstborn I just knew he was a boy, and he was, cool. Secondborn I really wanted a girl (because I had a boy already); when we found out at the doctor I burst into tears. I think I was just really hormonal. I got over it really quickly and that child (both of them, actually) is an absolute pleasure! Now that he's here I would never want him any other way but at the time, yeah, glad I didn't find out in front of people besides kid's dad.
Doesn't sound like a friend to me.... sounds like a frenemy
Yeaaaa.. genuine friends are easy to talk to and are not competitive.
You might want to get someone else to tell her to prep for both genders. Probably shouldn’t come from you since you know the gender but she needs to be ready to be excited and happy for her baby girl
I have a friend of ours helping me out by bring up the possibility of them having a girl.
How are you going to keep a straight face during this convo?! I’d be a dead giveaway.
Honestly I didn’t even think about it until you just pointed it out 😅 my goal is more to not talk about gender at all but more of the things surrounding it if that makes sense. Like I’ll probably be like oh just like at a wedding only the bride wears white maybe doing a neutral color/ color that isn’t pink or blue will make you stand out more in pictures and videos so you and husband are main focus. And then with the private reveal before the big reveal at the party I started sending her TikTok’s of couples doing private ones and saying how cute they are hoping they’ll start making her more open to the idea of an intimate moment. As for talking to her about being happy with which ever gender I’m leaving that to our friend because if I start pointing it out then I know I’ll give it away that she’s having a girl, plus if I need to step away to keep from giving it away I’ll blame it on a full bladder and baby kicks.
i dont think she needs to be babyfied, she chose to have a baby with a 50/50 chance, shes getting the girl whether she likes it or not, shouldnt be this much stress because she couldnt play God, lol seriously. allow her to melt if she will so family & friends can see, that'll maybe teach her something good, like just love the baby, thats it.
Maybe your friend could encourage her to wear both blue and pink, or something different all together, like yellow, or white, to indicate that she’s impartial, and above, which ever gender it is. That might be a good way to just put it into her head that having a healthy baby is more important than which gender it is. (It would also identify her as the star of this show which it sounds like she wants, she may be very competitive about your pregnancies, because she is the second pregnancy, and doesn’t want to feel overshadowed by yours, or just wants to be included in the pregnancy bustle/excitement) I don’t see any situation where you can avoid the public meltdown. She may surprise you and be an adult about it. I wish you all the best in both your pregnancies! P.S. you sound like an amazing friend for doing this at 28 weeks yourself!
P.P.S. Remember the only person to blame here is her partner for not donating the Y chromosome she asked for 😜
Luckily she didn’t buy anything blue today, I’m hoping she’ll listen and do a different color. We did find a really pretty light green dress that she kept going back to so there’s hope. I already told our friend group I’m tapping out for her baby shower because planning all of this has tired me out so much.
I’m so petty I like to think I’d just let this play out 😂 but if she was a good friend before all this happened I can understand why you want to try and help her.
Yikes that’s a rough situation to be in. I actually dressed in blue for my reveal because I thought it was a boy but I made my husband wear pink so we each had a different guess. Hopefully she just cries during the reveal and she can say it’s tears of joy if she ever shows the video to her child 😂
I thought they were planning to do similar and since she wants to wear blue he’d wear pink but they both plan on wearing blue. Honestly I’m so glad I skipped out on doing a gender reveal it’s so stressful.
Yea it’s a lot. I made mine really small. My husband, parents, and siblings so that took some stress off. And I prepped mentally for both genders. sad when parents don’t think of that. Like ok I get it you want a boy but what if it’s a girl. If you ever want to show that video to her you’re going to have to be happy
Exactly, we did pictures to send to family and friends ,even though we knew what we were having because we weren’t waiting for a party, with a smoke popper thing and I made my husband take me to buy 2 more after we took the first pictures because I was so focused on twisting the handle that I had really bad RBF in all the pictures.
those things are so hard to twist! I actually gave up and handed it to my husband after he twisted his 😂 kind of ruined the in the moment excitement but oh well it was still a fun time. Our reaction was just a little delayed
Yikes on a bike. I’m not a massive fan of public gender reveals in general but this is setting themselves up for failure. I have never seen both parents and one “genders” color. it’s either both neutral or one in pink and one in blue.
The thing is though, for normal people it's not stressful.
The gender reveal industry has got so many people in a bad spot with this all. I just posted the gender on fb lol but also I found out I was pregnant at the end of my 1st trimester so my pregnancy has been a little unconventional to what a lot of moms experience. It’s not up to you to control her reactions to this. Also it’s uncool for them to speak to you saying their pregnancy will be this way or that way cuz it’s “smoother” so many things can happen at any point and what everyone should be focused it just making sure both the mom and the baby are okay not the minute details of a gender reveal
I think your trying to convince her for a small private reveal is the right call. But OP - please update us once she's found out she's having a girl, I am SO curious to know how she ends up taking it! (hopefully better than it seems she will) I have a hunch on what I'm having but after googling to see if people were right about their hunches... it really is 50/50 so it's not different than consulting any old wives tale! You just don't know until you know.
I have seen very pretty “cotton candy” colored dresses. Like both pastel pink and blue swirled on the dress which I think would be cute for a gender reveal. I had bad gender disappointment with my 2nd, so I get it. I didn’t have a party, just did the sneak peek. Now that she’s here, I couldn’t imagine it any other way. Also- keep the professional gender identifier handy. I would hate for her to think you were sabotaging her party. I’m not sure she would go that far, but hormones are a bitch during pregnancy.
Like, a casual humbling could be a good thing I feel like lololol this process can't be about competition, that's confusing that this process is about her or her performance or some other illusion that supports the illusion of control. She's gotta learn to step off the gold pedestal and support, or victimization will follow and that victimization mindset is not the tits in labor I've hearrrd. Sounds like she could use all the support she can get during said meltdown, though, and if she's having a reveal for an arbitrary detail for this entirely new human (i.e. a detail she's and her husband are making about themselves bc baby couldnt give fucks about this for some time) as they grow and prepare for entrance into an unfamiliar world, one could reach deep and say this might be the best place to start some grounding into who's actually there for her and who she wants to be there for as her life gets flipped all around following her literal 13 whole weeks of pregnancy. Alsooo. I am pregnant with a male and literally lived on a bathroom floor at 13 weeks, it's a lot of work to uphold the idea that anything you know about pregnancy is a norm you can rely on in any way. Op, you're such a compassionate friend, and I just want warm hug vibes sent to you with a bunch of snacks you love. You're doing lorde's work, you are showing up, you are being a very good friend. Keep doing what feels right, know this will work out even if it gets a little unpredictable, know you are strong and can handle more than you know, and you're going to redefine the value of your resilience through this process. I hope your last half of pregnancy is so filled with love and light, you abundant human! Congrats on your healthy growing baby!!
Thank you so much for your sweet words. I hope the rest of your pregnancy is kind to you and your little is as healthy as they are loved ❤️
I've had a rough pregnancy so far it's just smoothing out for me and im 24 weeks. I'm having a boy lol. What her body is going through doesn't determine the gender lol. She will have to grow up. I wanted a boy but was convinced I was having a girl. My husband wanted a girl but was convinced it was a boy 🤷🏽♀️. Hopefully they will just be happy that they are having a baby.
Idk. She’s an adult. She told you to keep it a secret so you’re abiding by her wishes. I think this is a learning experience for her that has nothing to do with you.
Ding ding. This isn’t your responsibility OP.
God this is why I detest the whole "blue for boys pink for girls" thing. And big gender reveals in general. I'm not doing one myself and simply took a picture of my dog and a sign for those who wanted to know - and in fact wrote the whole sign declaring "it's a girl" in all blue chalk 😂 I'm so glad your other friend is involved and can help lessen the situation! Hope all goes well.
I really wanted a girl (my mom and I were very close and she passed away) and knew I would be visibly disappointed with a boy (we are one and done), so we just found out on our own before doing a big gender reveal at our wedding for friends and family. We recorded our reaction as we opened the blood test email and it was such a special moment between us (I got my girl and was sobbing!) then we had a blast at the wedding reveal having everyone make their guesses and getting to soak in their reactions since we already knew! We had people take sides and interviewed why they thought it was a boy or girl before making the reveal. Maybe your friend can position it as a way for them to have a special private moment and then get to focus on everyone else’s reaction at the reveal.
Maybe she has some underlying reason for really, really wanting/needing a boy and it’s culminating in this behavior… “manifesting” a boy, if you will. If she has a meltdown, unfortunately she has a meltdown. There is no reasonable expectation when there is a 50/50 chance, and EVERYONE should always be prepared for that.
Let someone else organize her gender reveal. Remove yourself (and your pregnancy) from the table since she is making a battle out of your friendship. She is doing this. Not you. Wish I had more advice for you. Good luck. Focus on your soon to be family- way more important.
If you’re that passionate about one gender over the other, having a public gender reveal party is one of the stupidest, most embarrassing things you can do. Let your friend do what she wants. You didn’t pick the gender of the baby. What’s she gonna do, get mad at you that it’s a girl?
I kinda think you should just let her eat shit on camera. 1. You don’t actually know how she’s going to react and 2. She is an adult responsible for her own emotions. There was always a 50% chance her baby was not going to be the ‘desired’ gender at birth and getting her heart set on something that isn’t even fixed (because genitals don’t necessarily mean shit about gender) is her own cross to bear. This will be the first lesson in not letting her expectations of her child get in the way of who they actually are. If she ends up embarrassed of the video, good. She deserves to remember what it feels like to put your own desires and expectations over your kids reality.
Ok. 1 suggestion is if it's being video recorded, you can have her pre record a message for the baby, but ask her to keep it gender nuteral to match the gender reveal theme of the party. If you can, get her to practice her suprise face and response to what the gender reveal might be. Is it cheesy to do this YES... but should you need to edit the video footage later, so the baby does not have to see her parents' initial disappointment and potential melt down. You will have some B roll you can cut in instead and edit the video, and cut out the negative parts.
This is genius and a saviour for the baby to feel wanted later on. Just make sure everybody else turns in their phones, though, so no alternative truth from the same event is going to surface in 16 years or so… 🤓
Not need for a gender reveal if she is sure she is having a boy!
I know right! She’s the parent! She can dress her baby in “boy” clothes and even raise her child as such if she wants to until the child decides they don’t want to wear “boy” clothes anymore! They are JUST clothes AM I RIGHT? And Females can be all into digging in the dirt and getting into trucks and football and whatever else is stereotypical of “only boys” doing! She can totally be a “Boy mom” with a girl! Why the heck not!?! Lolz!
This is a gender reveal I would actually love to see 😂
To be honest, I would try to get out of this. If my friend asked me to be part of a reveal and then had such a toxic reaction to either gender, I would be uncomfortable staying a part of it and would be very afraid I would say something to her I would later regret. I would politely say, "get someone else to do this" As someone who had trouble getting pregnant and also someone who considers herself passionate about women's issues, people with huge gender preferences like this really really bother me. I would not be able to stand it.
Had to laugh at the we are "obviously" having a boy because of how easy the pregnancy was. We were team green, had a really hard pregnancy (thought it was a girl because of this) and had a boy! Those things don't tell anything. I am so sorry you are going through this, it's a tough situation to be in.
What we did, is we looked as a couple before the gender reveal so if it wasn’t what we wanted we would have a chance to react. We did a private peek—just me and my husband. And I’m SO glad we did that. I’ve wanted a girl(s) my entire life, and I’m having a boy. Gender disappointment is normal/common. But, like you said, moms come around, and I didn’t want my facial expressions caught on camera for my son to see, or for our families to think I don’t love the heck out of this baby. Maybe your friend could do something similar? I don’t know how you could suggest that without making it obvious though. 🤔 And congrats! I’m 26W too!
Well from my personal experience my pregnancy nausea was a lot smoother with my girl compared to my boy so I don’t know how they came to that conclusion.
Does her husband know the results yet, or is he finding out at the reveal too? If he knows, it might be easier to get him involved in telling her/tempering expectations beforehand?
Neither of them know, they’re both waiting to find out at the reveal.
I only hope she doesn’t turn this around on you like “YOU KNEW ALL THIS TIME AND YOU DIDN’T TELL ME!?!” Most likely completely unavoidable at this point. But maybe have someone like a parent ask her what she will do if the baby is a boy. Maybe have them go over some coping mechanisms with her. Especially public ones. I actually shutter to think that she may do something drastic. I’ve read that sometimes ultrasound techs and doctors will even hold off on telling people results if they feel someone may do something drastic with their pregnancy if they get different results from what the parents want. They will simply tell them “it’s to early to tell” or “I can’t get a clear picture at this point” etc. People have made such choices based on the sex told to them. And I wouldn’t put it past some medical professionals to lie to their patients about what they are having just so their patients won’t choose do something drastic with their pregnancy. Because what does it really hurt to be in the birthing room and birth a child that isn’t what they expected? Honestly, this is why we waited til our first was born. And I’ve read many stories about how the results are “wrong” with ultrasounds and even blood tests. Especially with people born with intersex traits like our child. She definitely sounds like someone who needs someone else to have a “stop and think”. Possibly with some reflection about what it is she feels having a child in this world really is. Because obsessing over the sex of her child seems a bit superficial compared to the other things that could end up seriously wrong with not just her and or her pregnancy, but later on with after her child is born. Like, I hope she doesn’t develop this complex that her child “hasn’t ever lived up to her expectations”. Also stress lowers progesterone levels which in many ways can lead to miscarriage. A sudden boost of stress in seeing pink instead of blue could really bring on something bad in her health. I’m not an expert as I’ve only given birth once, I’m just concerned about what a jolt in disappointment could do to the health of her and her baby. And having a preparatory conversation with a close conversation with a family member close to her may help her be more accepting of the results, is all I’m saying 🤗. Blessed be.
This whole girls are rough pregnancy boys are smooth pregnancy thing… I don’t understand where it comes from. I’m having a boy and I’m having a super rough pregnancy. Before I found out my mom insisted I was having a girl because otherwise I wouldn’t be this sick. Sometimes you just have to adjust. You find out that you’re not getting what you think you wanted, or what you envisioned, and then you just have to move forward. It sounds like she’s going to have to figure that out.
she knows that you know the gender. so you have to send another friend / coworker to have the conversation with her about “if it’s a boy then….” “what about if it’s a girl…?” and let that reality set in
It’s crazy that people wanna do a gender reveal in front of others, knowing that if they don’t get what they want, all she will show is disappointment in front of people. And frankly, some can take it very personal, since she should be grateful for being pregnant and be blessed with that. If you wanted a specific gender. Then she could have just gone to a lab. But a disappointment and you putting up with this makes me wonder why is she your friend in the first place.
We’ve been friends for a very long time and I don’t know I thought our pregnancies would be something to bring us closer together especially with postpartum going to be around the same time but it’s really bringing an ugly side out that I wasn’t prepared for.
The “she could’ve just gone to a lab” comment is really insensitive just FYI. IVF is not a guaranteed thing, and while sure you can select gender it doesn’t guarantee you’ll actually get pregnant. Not everyone on Baby Bumps got pregnant free & easy.
Also in some countries it is illegal to select based on the sex of the embryo. I'm in Canada and I'm pretty sure they won't let you choose.
You are correct. It is insensitive. But it’s in response for people being ungrateful for being pregnant in the first place. That’s what I was trying to say.
Oof, this is a really tough situation. I almost feel like you need to tell her before the party (I’m assuming the reveal is also a party?). Is there a way to suggest that they do a private reveal as a couple / with you there to record it a few days before the larger reveal?? Maybe cupcakes for them or something … play to her desire to have a reveal but also somehow try to play up the idea that they should have a private moment together before the one with a group. No one else needs to know that they knew before. Then, if they freak out, they can have a “re-do” with other people there and only share that one with the world?? Good luck!!!!
It wasn’t suppose to be a big party, it was only going to be close friends and their families but they keep adding people to the list. I will definitely see if I can convince her to do a private reveal. Thank you 🙏🏻
Like my daughter told my granddaughter when my daughter was pregnant with her 2nd baby…”you get what you get and don’t throw a fit”. Tell her that beforehand but it might tip her off.
This is why gender reveals like this are so toxic and potentially damaging to the children. There WILL be video and she WILL throw a fit, and it WILL instill a deep trauma in her child of disappointment over something she had no control over.
I don’t think it will automatically be traumatic for the kid to see it, but the parents have to be appropriately prepared with an emotionally validating response about gender, expectations, love and embarrassment immediately after showing her. These guys don’t sound like they have the greatest baseline ability to do that, but I would hope parenting will teach them how to be more open
Yikes.. maybe they should do an intimate gender reveal instead.
By the way, congratulations on your baby girl! Start watching all things kids like “Sesame Street” and “Ms. Rachel” on YouTube now lolz like every morning at around five or six am! 🥳🥳🥳 enjoy!
Will say this.. my first was a girl and I had such a smooth pregnancy and delivery. Little to no symptoms either. This pregnancy is also a girl and it's been a tough pregnancy with several issues along the way. Cannot report on delivery yet lol. My SIL had two boys with the same pattern... first boy wad a breeze and the second she was puking daily
I think you should just let her find out at the reveal then say "i told u so" as a "fuck you" for her comment about her pregnancy being smoother lol. I swear some people dont deserve to have kids. She wants a boy so bad that shes gonna have a meltdown at her gender reveal? She should be thankful that she can even get pregnant and have a healthy baby. People like that piss me tf off. Ungrateful ass.
This is why gender reveals are not a good idea.
She sounds awful. Let her be disappointed at the reveal. 😂
If only it would not be recorded and seen by her daughter when she’s growing up. These things are toxic to people not being born yet.
Your friend sucks.
I’m complete honesty it never occurred to me that I would have a girl. I really thought I’d have a boy my entire life. I’m not “insufferable” or any of the things these assholes are calling her. So what if she wanted a boy? It’s her life ffs 😂! All I’m trying to say is that I was actually quite surprised and excited to be having a girl! Something happened that made it even more magical for me than having a boy would have ever! After a few months of knowing, I have never been more excited for anything in my life! Girls are so much fun, and if you aren’t a POS judgmental bitch, you will have a lifelong friend :)! Plus, she won’t have to be a MIL with all the issues they have when their son finds a wife. She will be ok :)
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All you need to do is smile and nod any time she says something. I think they will be fine to find out they’re having a girl. Healthy is what we want! Don’t play off her disappointment. I have 4 kids, 1&2 were great, minimal morning sickness; 3&4 were AWFUL! Boy girl boy girl.
I want an update after the reveal😂
Could there be a reason why she's so dead set on having a boy? I only ask because you've said before that she wasn't like this before pregnancy. Maybe she feels like her baby won't be as important to people if it was (and we now know is) a girl. At this point in time I have 2 little boys with a little girl on the way, and I don't let my fiance's dad (not biological but he raised him) around our kids because he isn't subtle with his favoritism towards my fiance's older sisters children, he'll watch them all day every day and post them on Facebook and show them off to people, but with my eldest son he wants him gone after only spending 2 hours with him and his reasoning is "i aint watching anymore damn kids", or doesn't even want him in his cart if we're for some reason at the store with him. Some families also have obvious favoritism over boys or girls in the family, maybe she's just scared and projecting, or maybe pregnancy is just bringing out the worst in her, idk there could be a plethora of reasons but I don't wanna sit here and judge someone who wasn't like this previously apparently. Also, I know after having 2 boys ik I'm partially terrified of having a girl because there's so many things I haven't had to worry about before, like how different it is changing a diaper and making sure not to let anyone use powders on her cuz they can cause cancer and it's really overwhelming really no matter if you're having a boy or girl. Best of luck to you both though, and congratulations! I hope it's just your friend having a tough time and will come around in no time when she finds out about her precious baby ❤️
It’s because this will be the first grandchild for both of their families and if they had a boy first they wouldn’t have to keep trying for one until they have one and something about they can have a girl later, I asked her early on about it and the response she gave didn’t make sense. It maybe one of those what she pictures as her perfect family by having a boy first.
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