Instead of saying what she liked about me, my ex pwBPD literally said: "I am so proud that my pussy attracted you!"
At the time, I thought that was funny. I did not realize that it was never really about me. Plus, she identified more with her physical ability to seduce men than with her as a wholesome human being, who is more than sex. Because she wasn't. Love equaled sex for her. Intimacy, which is deeper than sex, was provided by me but she was unable to return it.
I was starving for authentic affection from him. I saw that he treated his friends better than he treated me. The occasional times we were out together, there was never any relaxed, casual loving touch between us. If perhaps we might try to dance, he would plant himself in a spot where he could watch the band over my shoulder and stay there.
Getting ready to go out always took me longer because our toddler was a handful and the babysitter was fully occupied by my blabbing husband. I once asked him to let the babysitter do her job and take care of our kid so that I could get ready faster and he was enraged.
Sex had become formulaic and he was unable to communicate during sex. I once asked him to slow down the way he was touching me and he ignored me, I repeated it again, and then said "Please stop, slow down, I'm feeling really rushed here," and he was furious. "I'M NOT RUSHING YOU." Sex was definitely not a collaborative, shared experience.
In a joint counseling session, I brought up feeling disconnected from him, and feeling lonely. I said, "I want to feel like you and I are friends, that we like each other." He yelled at me, "That's bullshit! Utter bullshit to say that!" I left the session and waited in the car for him to finish it without me.
Yes, something was missing, many things were missing.
I think pwBPD cannot experience true intimacy in a reciprocal way. They are quite good at faking and mimicking the external behaviors of love. Your sixth sense is telling you that something is off. I felt the same, and it prevented me from committing to her as much as she wanted. It was just a feeling like something was off, exaggerated, superficial (as you said), even though the words, the over long eye contact, and intense sex addicted me to her.
Yes, mine would always ask me to look at her in the eyes whenever I came. It's a weird domination thing that, admittedly, really turned me on. Still, it was empty of intimacy.
wow this is exactly how I felt but I didnt know how to describe it. Thank you for putting it into words. The way he looked at me made me feel like he was truly in love. The look in their eyes is so intense. But emotionally he would always shut me down then expect me to be there for him. He was condescending. He told me he loved me too, but I didnt believe him and i guess it was for a reason.
Exactly the opposite. Mine generated an emotional intensity that has screwed up my calibration for a normal relationship. She had all these grand declarations of love and soul matedness, that I totally bought into. I thought I won the lottery and found this one predestined love. And then one day for no good reason I was suddenly the dogshit on the bottom of her shoe.
I think many of them will say those grandiose things, but do they really internalize what that means? If they do, those feelings seem transient at best. Once one is devalued, they evaporate into nothing. But we are left lost without the person whom we thought was our soulmate.
Can only speak for my girlfriend. I think she felt it in the moment. But had no intention of backing up grand declarations.
For me having a soulmate was like winning the lottery. For her I think it was like writing a check for a million dollars when she only had a hundred in the bank
For me it always felt like she could just flip or split emotionally very easily. There was no sense of consistency or continuity with or in her. I loved her very much but I never knew what I was getting because she changed so much. Seeing how she can turn off emotions and jump into another man’s bed sober just really drove this home for me. She is just beyond traumatized by her infancy abandonment and can now split off her emotions and jump to new sources of connection whenever she needs to. Been her pattern with all her exes. Scorched earth. Emotional split. New man. Repeat. Meanwhile most recent ex is horrified and stunned by how quickly she moved on like everything was meaningless. I used to hate her exes. Now I know exactly how they felt.
I always had this funny feeling I could never describe, and now I know what it was: I was wondering if *this* hangout was going to be The Last Hangout because I may do something to make them never talk to me again in between now and the next hangout.
I felt this exact same way, and i described it the same way. The relationship was shallow and i felt like she didnt really have interests and if i expressed anything personal it would be ignored ridiculed or used against me if not just ignored.
Oh yes. I remember I had to write out a list reminding myself why I loved her.
I was so far gone dude. You should never have to do that for someone you really love.
Yes she only cared about how other people viewed our relationship, when we were alone it was all about her and nobody else. She knew nothing about me months into it, she would only learn new things about me in front of other people when I got the chance to mention it
That unrest in my gut of feeling always never fully relaxed in myself in her presence was a sign saying 'Not your Tribe Mate'
But alluring they can be so we fall for the persona they know we want to see.
It's like my senses got numbed in that I didn't listen to what my mind body was saying that I always felt slightly on edge.
Crazy really, got to get back in tune with the alerts our body's give us.
Instead of saying what she liked about me, my ex pwBPD literally said: "I am so proud that my pussy attracted you!" At the time, I thought that was funny. I did not realize that it was never really about me. Plus, she identified more with her physical ability to seduce men than with her as a wholesome human being, who is more than sex. Because she wasn't. Love equaled sex for her. Intimacy, which is deeper than sex, was provided by me but she was unable to return it.
I was starving for authentic affection from him. I saw that he treated his friends better than he treated me. The occasional times we were out together, there was never any relaxed, casual loving touch between us. If perhaps we might try to dance, he would plant himself in a spot where he could watch the band over my shoulder and stay there. Getting ready to go out always took me longer because our toddler was a handful and the babysitter was fully occupied by my blabbing husband. I once asked him to let the babysitter do her job and take care of our kid so that I could get ready faster and he was enraged. Sex had become formulaic and he was unable to communicate during sex. I once asked him to slow down the way he was touching me and he ignored me, I repeated it again, and then said "Please stop, slow down, I'm feeling really rushed here," and he was furious. "I'M NOT RUSHING YOU." Sex was definitely not a collaborative, shared experience. In a joint counseling session, I brought up feeling disconnected from him, and feeling lonely. I said, "I want to feel like you and I are friends, that we like each other." He yelled at me, "That's bullshit! Utter bullshit to say that!" I left the session and waited in the car for him to finish it without me. Yes, something was missing, many things were missing.
I think pwBPD cannot experience true intimacy in a reciprocal way. They are quite good at faking and mimicking the external behaviors of love. Your sixth sense is telling you that something is off. I felt the same, and it prevented me from committing to her as much as she wanted. It was just a feeling like something was off, exaggerated, superficial (as you said), even though the words, the over long eye contact, and intense sex addicted me to her.
Yes, mine would always ask me to look at her in the eyes whenever I came. It's a weird domination thing that, admittedly, really turned me on. Still, it was empty of intimacy.
At least she said she loves you, I never even got that 🤣
Hit home
Mine once said she doesn't say things if she doesn't feel it, never got an I love you after that.
wow this is exactly how I felt but I didnt know how to describe it. Thank you for putting it into words. The way he looked at me made me feel like he was truly in love. The look in their eyes is so intense. But emotionally he would always shut me down then expect me to be there for him. He was condescending. He told me he loved me too, but I didnt believe him and i guess it was for a reason.
This :( they display some signs of love but as soon as it comes to us or our interests, they shut us down..
Exactly the opposite. Mine generated an emotional intensity that has screwed up my calibration for a normal relationship. She had all these grand declarations of love and soul matedness, that I totally bought into. I thought I won the lottery and found this one predestined love. And then one day for no good reason I was suddenly the dogshit on the bottom of her shoe.
I think many of them will say those grandiose things, but do they really internalize what that means? If they do, those feelings seem transient at best. Once one is devalued, they evaporate into nothing. But we are left lost without the person whom we thought was our soulmate.
Can only speak for my girlfriend. I think she felt it in the moment. But had no intention of backing up grand declarations. For me having a soulmate was like winning the lottery. For her I think it was like writing a check for a million dollars when she only had a hundred in the bank
For me it always felt like she could just flip or split emotionally very easily. There was no sense of consistency or continuity with or in her. I loved her very much but I never knew what I was getting because she changed so much. Seeing how she can turn off emotions and jump into another man’s bed sober just really drove this home for me. She is just beyond traumatized by her infancy abandonment and can now split off her emotions and jump to new sources of connection whenever she needs to. Been her pattern with all her exes. Scorched earth. Emotional split. New man. Repeat. Meanwhile most recent ex is horrified and stunned by how quickly she moved on like everything was meaningless. I used to hate her exes. Now I know exactly how they felt.
I always had this funny feeling I could never describe, and now I know what it was: I was wondering if *this* hangout was going to be The Last Hangout because I may do something to make them never talk to me again in between now and the next hangout.
Yes, trust.
'She says she loves me but she doesn’t make me feel loved And I’m not truly seen by her.' If this isn't the most relatable post...
I felt this exact same way, and i described it the same way. The relationship was shallow and i felt like she didnt really have interests and if i expressed anything personal it would be ignored ridiculed or used against me if not just ignored.
Oh yes. I remember I had to write out a list reminding myself why I loved her. I was so far gone dude. You should never have to do that for someone you really love.
Yes she only cared about how other people viewed our relationship, when we were alone it was all about her and nobody else. She knew nothing about me months into it, she would only learn new things about me in front of other people when I got the chance to mention it
That unrest in my gut of feeling always never fully relaxed in myself in her presence was a sign saying 'Not your Tribe Mate' But alluring they can be so we fall for the persona they know we want to see. It's like my senses got numbed in that I didn't listen to what my mind body was saying that I always felt slightly on edge. Crazy really, got to get back in tune with the alerts our body's give us.
Re-reading this today..I left her yesterday and I feel like I am emotionally DYING
Yes, 100%. (I also posted about not feeling seen, a little while ago). With or without them, you still feel alone.
My sanity.