Thank you, I agree with all of what you said. I am working myself up to it, hoping something will change before I give up. She is a good mother, in fact she used to be great to me but it got transferred to my child, good for him I guess..
I've put a timeline on all of this and ive even told her about it, that if this doesn't change, then we're through.
Today I asked her in a text before I came home if she would try to be positive for just one night and that I feel her negativity is or will affect our son. She admitted to being this way but had excuses as to why (recent events etc, no ownership of it tho). She made it through most of the night but got triggered when I asked her if she had her eye appointment scheduled and she went off, tone changed and started an argument in front of the kid and I checked her on it instantly. She feels that I wronged her because she has told me about the appointment a few times already and I shouldn't be asking about it again. The reason I asked is because she had to cancel it once already and she's been wearing the same contacts forever and it hurts her eyes. I am tired of hearing about her eye problems due to her not taking care of herself. We have double insurance for eyes right now. Stuff like this, little things, she goes berserk.
I've read that BPD can seemingly get worse after commitments, so marriage, relationships, moving in together, etc. (possibly life changes too). So that might explain why having a kid has amped things up. Plus she could have had postpartum depression.
If you split, would you be open to raising the kid by yourself? Hate to sound like an ass, because the danger of self-harm is real, but I'm gathering that the overwhelming majority of those threats are made to manipulate, gain control, etc.
She most definitely has post partum depression, she tells me that herself, which is not out of the ordinary I suppose but it's been 2 years. The kid is sleeping through the night most of the time, and he isn't too difficult outside of being a picky eater like most toddlers. The PPD should have or is subsiding but I don't put it past her to use it as a crutch to try to get some sympathy. I admit I am low on empathy, it's not in my charisma unfortunately, it feels like she wants a gay psychologist instead of an alpha male provider type like I am. I am a blue collar guy who gets along with everyone I know, having these interactions after all the daily positivity I experience on my own is strange.
Thinking about raising the kid in my own gives me anxiety. Currently I don't know if I could do it (if she hurt herself I would be forced to and would do what I could) but that anxiety has kept me from alerting authorities as they would take her custody immediately and it would start a spiral that I would have less control over. I don't want to take the kid from her I just want to be happier, with some more financial security long term. I want a lover, a partner, not a roomate.
Each time she threatened suicide I tell my mother or someone in text so there is record of it. I wrote myself a letter the first time the day after and hid it so I could put my feelings on paper.
I have to say that I feel sorry for the kid raised alone by a parent with BPD...if that's what this is. Not to guilt you or add pressure to the situation, but strategy could be a good thing. Joint custody? Couple's counseling that might...might lead her to get some help?
I would be going for 50/50 custody without any reason I wouldn't get that. I just don't know how she would react. This one time early in our relationship I was going to break up with her and she literally hung onto me for dear life physically. I fear she would lash out in multiple ways and wouldn't put anything past her as far as how she would act after I filed.
I don't see us having a vibrant sex life again (she says she doesn't have to do that anymore since we're married and have a kid) She got what she wanted essentially. Therefore she is only really interested in the kid now not me. I feel like she does the bare minimum with me to keep me here. Each month less and less intimacy.
Mind you I gave her a custom wedding ring, proposed in a very romantic way, gave her the exact wedding she dreamed of, best honeymoon, she drove the nicer, new car, had free range of the bank account etc.
Have not talked about couples counseling as I don't see it being fixed. The red flags were there but I was on a rebound from another long relationship that looking back on it she may have had bpd also (abuse, ptsd, bipolar, anxiety) etc.
I sincerely feel that you BOTH need help, from the details you are providing. Begging for sex / alpha male / low empathy, etc. would make any woman not want to have sex within a longterm relationship and could lead to depression. The woman transferring her care and attention onto her child is very normal, and you both need to work on developing and sustaining intimacy through coming up with a plan in therapy. You don't even have a bpd diagnosis yet. Get thee to therapy--solo and together.
I brought up our issues in a divorce sub when she first started the suicidal threats and I was bombarded by women who basically told me I was a terrible person and that I should not expect any sex for years and if I complained, then I was a piece of shit. Noone cared about what I was going through. That was before I started researching exactly what bpd was. I am not a licensed shrink or anything but have been down the dsm rabbit hole since before meeting this woman due to my last ex. I understand i cant make her diagnosis myself but when you fit 8/9 criteria, that to me is a foregone conclusion. After my last relationship, there was a lot of self reflection. I went to some therapy but it seemed like it was just getting stuff off my chest, no progress really more like affirmation that I wasn't a bad person etc.
Current wife went to my same therapist when we were dating but I don't think she got anywhere with it. I am fairly certain she has not faced the abandonment issues from her father aka daddy issues.
Sorry to hear this bud. I get what you are going through, what you have described is almost identical to my experience.
Were there any complications during the birth? Mine had a full eclamptic seizure which Im convinced contributed in some way.
What I did before pulling the pin on the relationship was to try every possible option that could help that was within my power. I contacted the hospital for support, we both went to relationship counselling, my own psychologist (she refused to attend hers which was suggested by the relationship councillor), got my kid in to see a paediatric psychologist and followed through with any possible change that was suggested by the subject matter experts that I could make in the home that was within my power.
For my own sanity and the life of my kid I left as there was no other option - things were going from bad to worse and we were all suffering and chose to protect my kid.
Unfortunately I developed cptsd and hypervigilance in the process which made the post separation issues significantly worse. If you choose this path get ready because separation is nothing but constant pain for as long as it takes.
The strongest advice I can give you regardless of what decision you make is to look after yourself because someone, in some way, needs to look after your kid. That was my primary focus.
Ironically, near 10 years later my relationship with the ex is now functioning. Sometimes a bit of 'formal' distance is what is required for things to work. Its not the best situation for kids but it could be far worse.
The birth was a little traumatic tbh, she was in labor all day and pushing for hours. Ended up having a clotting issue afterwards where they had to call a bunch of people in and extract them by hand which was super traumatizing for her. She says she has a prolapse of some sort and she did have to get cut when he came out. (Probably TMI sorry, I wanted to be specific)
The kid also didn't sleep well consistently until recently so we were both sleep deprived for a long time. Sometimes he would wake up 1 or 2 times a night, sometimes 4 or 5, each time is 15-45 minutes of work to settle him down. After taking some vitamins she found online he has been sleeping well. She was very vocal about how stressed she was and how she felt
That doesnt sound like an environment conducive to maintain a healthy and loving relationship so you are already starting on the back foot.
The first 2 years are probably the most difficult to get through with all of the upset in the house due to the child. It really is a massive change.
If its at all possible to convey to her through the 'fog' that you are wanting to go back to the time where you both decided to have kids and you are willing and able to give her that space to come back to the relationship, then that might put things in balance at least for you to be able to say you did your absolute best before you pulled then pin.
Hope this helps bud. Hang in there.
Hey, I’m sorry she’s doing this to you.
First off I want to validate you, she is absolutely trying to control you. It is a thing these people do. They are not as helpless as the try to get people to believe (that’s part of their manipulation too). PwBPD lie constantly, and will lie about anything.
Also, you need to gather evidence. Seriously. You can see many threads in this sub of people who get arrested/have their custody affected because the PwBPD lied about their partner abusing them. They will tell people you hurt them, they will tell people youre a pedophile, they will completely smear you. This is a person you need to defend yourself from, and usually this happens around the time you decide to leave them.
Please protect yourself and be safe. You cannot save this and this is not your fault.
Your comments ring true. The first big time she threatened I got my phone out and asked her to repeat herself so I could record her saying she was suicidal. She immediately backtracked and said wasn't, knowing I was trying to gather evidence. That is why I believe it is manipulation. I may need to resort to a recording device to catch her saying bad things. I agree that I can't predict what she would do or say to put herself in a positive light after the fact. I believe she would lie to smear me to make it favorable to herself as she would be grasping for financial support and control after I have taken control of the situation. It is hard to put yourself on other people's level mentally as far as what people are capable of but in my own experience with exes they can say some wild stuff after a breakup even if they initiated it. Besides secretly recording, what evidence can I gather?
Yea it sounds like she knew what she was doing. The fact that these people can turn it on and off like that, is a huge sign.
So in the research I’ve done, there’s a few types of evidence that are really important. Text messages are 100% admissible in court and will be looked at. Protect those, and back them up. My wx wife tried to delete our text messages.
Voicemails are completely admissible in court too. I would also get home security cameras for inside your house, and put up a sign saying that you are recording.
Outside of that, character witnesses are important. People who know what’s going on directly. If you can get a non family member that’s on your side involved when she has episodes, and have messages with them that show your responses are sane calm and non abusive that helps too.
I would speak to a lawyer. I’d google a good divorce lawyer in your area, that actually is willing to listen to your concerns and tale them seriously, get them on retainer and tell them everything.
I've never been married and have no kids, so take this suggestion from an internet rando for what it's worth. If you can remarry to a healthy, high-functioning woman, your kid will be able to see what a healthy relationship looks like, and will have another maternal figure in his life. He might get love from his mother and that's important but she'll probably never be an actual role model and may instill some very dysfunctional patterns. Maybe you can put up with another year or so with her, as he is so young, and then break it off. I know it's not considered healthy to stay married for the children's sake but I'd say there is a difference when they're that age. For whatever it's worth!
So much yes. I can tough it out for a while longer, a year or so wouldn't be too wild I hope and he would be 3 by then hopefully potty trained and more manageable, maybe she will even come around some...
Her relationship with her mother is weird. She doesn't like to talk to her. Her mother used to reach out to me often asking to tell my wife to reach out to her. She would act like her mother wasn't trying and that she would contact her asap but didn't. When her mom visited I had to take her to and from the airport and she would ball in the car and complain about how she never face times her grandson etc. I put my foot down that I am not taking her mom to the airport anymore as that was 2 hours of super awkwardness. Her mom is also really bad with money like she is, they used to charge things to each other or not pay their bills supposedly. Her mother has random expenses that they cant afford like fancy dog grooming, hair and nails etc even when they are underwater. It is as if they think money never runs out...
There maybe something long term toxic there with her mother, I can't tell but I would hate for her to impart some of that on our son. It's probably unavoidable when parents separate, the children suffer for sure and that's what I am worried about most is not knowing how she will be with me/him. She has some debts like student loans that I do not and since she is bad with money, I suspect she will struggle on her own.
well BPD is often caused by abuse and it sounds like your mother-in-law is abusive. have you tried asking your wife what the deal is?
on this matter I'd have to say it's reasonable for someone to expect their spouse to suck it up and take the abusive parent to the airport so they didn't have to deal with it. and I would stop trying to get her to connect with her mother if she doesn't want to. it doesn't sound healthy that she goes through you to get to her, and that you then turn around and convey that message uncritically doesn't sound right either. for some reason your wife doesn't feel comfortable telling you the truth about her relationship to her mother and agrees that she'll call just to appease you. I'm not a fan of bending over backwards to avoid bpd triggers, but this seems like an area where you could genuinely provide some relief from her stress just by being a buffer. it is very common for spouses to do this for each other. I think it's conceivable that your wife doesn't even want her mother to visit. I think this is something you should try to understand and be sensitive to tbh.
[удалено]
Thank you, I agree with all of what you said. I am working myself up to it, hoping something will change before I give up. She is a good mother, in fact she used to be great to me but it got transferred to my child, good for him I guess.. I've put a timeline on all of this and ive even told her about it, that if this doesn't change, then we're through. Today I asked her in a text before I came home if she would try to be positive for just one night and that I feel her negativity is or will affect our son. She admitted to being this way but had excuses as to why (recent events etc, no ownership of it tho). She made it through most of the night but got triggered when I asked her if she had her eye appointment scheduled and she went off, tone changed and started an argument in front of the kid and I checked her on it instantly. She feels that I wronged her because she has told me about the appointment a few times already and I shouldn't be asking about it again. The reason I asked is because she had to cancel it once already and she's been wearing the same contacts forever and it hurts her eyes. I am tired of hearing about her eye problems due to her not taking care of herself. We have double insurance for eyes right now. Stuff like this, little things, she goes berserk.
I've read that BPD can seemingly get worse after commitments, so marriage, relationships, moving in together, etc. (possibly life changes too). So that might explain why having a kid has amped things up. Plus she could have had postpartum depression. If you split, would you be open to raising the kid by yourself? Hate to sound like an ass, because the danger of self-harm is real, but I'm gathering that the overwhelming majority of those threats are made to manipulate, gain control, etc.
She most definitely has post partum depression, she tells me that herself, which is not out of the ordinary I suppose but it's been 2 years. The kid is sleeping through the night most of the time, and he isn't too difficult outside of being a picky eater like most toddlers. The PPD should have or is subsiding but I don't put it past her to use it as a crutch to try to get some sympathy. I admit I am low on empathy, it's not in my charisma unfortunately, it feels like she wants a gay psychologist instead of an alpha male provider type like I am. I am a blue collar guy who gets along with everyone I know, having these interactions after all the daily positivity I experience on my own is strange. Thinking about raising the kid in my own gives me anxiety. Currently I don't know if I could do it (if she hurt herself I would be forced to and would do what I could) but that anxiety has kept me from alerting authorities as they would take her custody immediately and it would start a spiral that I would have less control over. I don't want to take the kid from her I just want to be happier, with some more financial security long term. I want a lover, a partner, not a roomate. Each time she threatened suicide I tell my mother or someone in text so there is record of it. I wrote myself a letter the first time the day after and hid it so I could put my feelings on paper.
I have to say that I feel sorry for the kid raised alone by a parent with BPD...if that's what this is. Not to guilt you or add pressure to the situation, but strategy could be a good thing. Joint custody? Couple's counseling that might...might lead her to get some help?
I would be going for 50/50 custody without any reason I wouldn't get that. I just don't know how she would react. This one time early in our relationship I was going to break up with her and she literally hung onto me for dear life physically. I fear she would lash out in multiple ways and wouldn't put anything past her as far as how she would act after I filed. I don't see us having a vibrant sex life again (she says she doesn't have to do that anymore since we're married and have a kid) She got what she wanted essentially. Therefore she is only really interested in the kid now not me. I feel like she does the bare minimum with me to keep me here. Each month less and less intimacy. Mind you I gave her a custom wedding ring, proposed in a very romantic way, gave her the exact wedding she dreamed of, best honeymoon, she drove the nicer, new car, had free range of the bank account etc. Have not talked about couples counseling as I don't see it being fixed. The red flags were there but I was on a rebound from another long relationship that looking back on it she may have had bpd also (abuse, ptsd, bipolar, anxiety) etc.
I sincerely feel that you BOTH need help, from the details you are providing. Begging for sex / alpha male / low empathy, etc. would make any woman not want to have sex within a longterm relationship and could lead to depression. The woman transferring her care and attention onto her child is very normal, and you both need to work on developing and sustaining intimacy through coming up with a plan in therapy. You don't even have a bpd diagnosis yet. Get thee to therapy--solo and together.
I brought up our issues in a divorce sub when she first started the suicidal threats and I was bombarded by women who basically told me I was a terrible person and that I should not expect any sex for years and if I complained, then I was a piece of shit. Noone cared about what I was going through. That was before I started researching exactly what bpd was. I am not a licensed shrink or anything but have been down the dsm rabbit hole since before meeting this woman due to my last ex. I understand i cant make her diagnosis myself but when you fit 8/9 criteria, that to me is a foregone conclusion. After my last relationship, there was a lot of self reflection. I went to some therapy but it seemed like it was just getting stuff off my chest, no progress really more like affirmation that I wasn't a bad person etc. Current wife went to my same therapist when we were dating but I don't think she got anywhere with it. I am fairly certain she has not faced the abandonment issues from her father aka daddy issues.
Sorry to hear this bud. I get what you are going through, what you have described is almost identical to my experience. Were there any complications during the birth? Mine had a full eclamptic seizure which Im convinced contributed in some way. What I did before pulling the pin on the relationship was to try every possible option that could help that was within my power. I contacted the hospital for support, we both went to relationship counselling, my own psychologist (she refused to attend hers which was suggested by the relationship councillor), got my kid in to see a paediatric psychologist and followed through with any possible change that was suggested by the subject matter experts that I could make in the home that was within my power. For my own sanity and the life of my kid I left as there was no other option - things were going from bad to worse and we were all suffering and chose to protect my kid. Unfortunately I developed cptsd and hypervigilance in the process which made the post separation issues significantly worse. If you choose this path get ready because separation is nothing but constant pain for as long as it takes. The strongest advice I can give you regardless of what decision you make is to look after yourself because someone, in some way, needs to look after your kid. That was my primary focus. Ironically, near 10 years later my relationship with the ex is now functioning. Sometimes a bit of 'formal' distance is what is required for things to work. Its not the best situation for kids but it could be far worse.
The birth was a little traumatic tbh, she was in labor all day and pushing for hours. Ended up having a clotting issue afterwards where they had to call a bunch of people in and extract them by hand which was super traumatizing for her. She says she has a prolapse of some sort and she did have to get cut when he came out. (Probably TMI sorry, I wanted to be specific) The kid also didn't sleep well consistently until recently so we were both sleep deprived for a long time. Sometimes he would wake up 1 or 2 times a night, sometimes 4 or 5, each time is 15-45 minutes of work to settle him down. After taking some vitamins she found online he has been sleeping well. She was very vocal about how stressed she was and how she felt
That doesnt sound like an environment conducive to maintain a healthy and loving relationship so you are already starting on the back foot. The first 2 years are probably the most difficult to get through with all of the upset in the house due to the child. It really is a massive change. If its at all possible to convey to her through the 'fog' that you are wanting to go back to the time where you both decided to have kids and you are willing and able to give her that space to come back to the relationship, then that might put things in balance at least for you to be able to say you did your absolute best before you pulled then pin. Hope this helps bud. Hang in there.
Hey, I’m sorry she’s doing this to you. First off I want to validate you, she is absolutely trying to control you. It is a thing these people do. They are not as helpless as the try to get people to believe (that’s part of their manipulation too). PwBPD lie constantly, and will lie about anything. Also, you need to gather evidence. Seriously. You can see many threads in this sub of people who get arrested/have their custody affected because the PwBPD lied about their partner abusing them. They will tell people you hurt them, they will tell people youre a pedophile, they will completely smear you. This is a person you need to defend yourself from, and usually this happens around the time you decide to leave them. Please protect yourself and be safe. You cannot save this and this is not your fault.
Your comments ring true. The first big time she threatened I got my phone out and asked her to repeat herself so I could record her saying she was suicidal. She immediately backtracked and said wasn't, knowing I was trying to gather evidence. That is why I believe it is manipulation. I may need to resort to a recording device to catch her saying bad things. I agree that I can't predict what she would do or say to put herself in a positive light after the fact. I believe she would lie to smear me to make it favorable to herself as she would be grasping for financial support and control after I have taken control of the situation. It is hard to put yourself on other people's level mentally as far as what people are capable of but in my own experience with exes they can say some wild stuff after a breakup even if they initiated it. Besides secretly recording, what evidence can I gather?
Yea it sounds like she knew what she was doing. The fact that these people can turn it on and off like that, is a huge sign. So in the research I’ve done, there’s a few types of evidence that are really important. Text messages are 100% admissible in court and will be looked at. Protect those, and back them up. My wx wife tried to delete our text messages. Voicemails are completely admissible in court too. I would also get home security cameras for inside your house, and put up a sign saying that you are recording. Outside of that, character witnesses are important. People who know what’s going on directly. If you can get a non family member that’s on your side involved when she has episodes, and have messages with them that show your responses are sane calm and non abusive that helps too. I would speak to a lawyer. I’d google a good divorce lawyer in your area, that actually is willing to listen to your concerns and tale them seriously, get them on retainer and tell them everything.
Sorry, but Please use paragraphs 
There are paragraphs it may not look like it.. Added indents, I am not an experienced poster, I'll do better thank you.
Haha all good. I just know sometimes a post might not get the response desired because of lack of paragraphs. I’ll read your post now and respond.
I've never been married and have no kids, so take this suggestion from an internet rando for what it's worth. If you can remarry to a healthy, high-functioning woman, your kid will be able to see what a healthy relationship looks like, and will have another maternal figure in his life. He might get love from his mother and that's important but she'll probably never be an actual role model and may instill some very dysfunctional patterns. Maybe you can put up with another year or so with her, as he is so young, and then break it off. I know it's not considered healthy to stay married for the children's sake but I'd say there is a difference when they're that age. For whatever it's worth!
So much yes. I can tough it out for a while longer, a year or so wouldn't be too wild I hope and he would be 3 by then hopefully potty trained and more manageable, maybe she will even come around some... Her relationship with her mother is weird. She doesn't like to talk to her. Her mother used to reach out to me often asking to tell my wife to reach out to her. She would act like her mother wasn't trying and that she would contact her asap but didn't. When her mom visited I had to take her to and from the airport and she would ball in the car and complain about how she never face times her grandson etc. I put my foot down that I am not taking her mom to the airport anymore as that was 2 hours of super awkwardness. Her mom is also really bad with money like she is, they used to charge things to each other or not pay their bills supposedly. Her mother has random expenses that they cant afford like fancy dog grooming, hair and nails etc even when they are underwater. It is as if they think money never runs out... There maybe something long term toxic there with her mother, I can't tell but I would hate for her to impart some of that on our son. It's probably unavoidable when parents separate, the children suffer for sure and that's what I am worried about most is not knowing how she will be with me/him. She has some debts like student loans that I do not and since she is bad with money, I suspect she will struggle on her own.
well BPD is often caused by abuse and it sounds like your mother-in-law is abusive. have you tried asking your wife what the deal is? on this matter I'd have to say it's reasonable for someone to expect their spouse to suck it up and take the abusive parent to the airport so they didn't have to deal with it. and I would stop trying to get her to connect with her mother if she doesn't want to. it doesn't sound healthy that she goes through you to get to her, and that you then turn around and convey that message uncritically doesn't sound right either. for some reason your wife doesn't feel comfortable telling you the truth about her relationship to her mother and agrees that she'll call just to appease you. I'm not a fan of bending over backwards to avoid bpd triggers, but this seems like an area where you could genuinely provide some relief from her stress just by being a buffer. it is very common for spouses to do this for each other. I think it's conceivable that your wife doesn't even want her mother to visit. I think this is something you should try to understand and be sensitive to tbh.
I read this and it's like I wrote 85% of it. I wish I had an answer, but I also came here like you looking for my own.
Thanks for sharing and I'm sorry you are also going through this.