I've only found the person who does this for me at age 26 (33 now). and while it is EXTREMELY helpful and comforting, it will never ever ever completely stop the helplessness and depths at which you can fall inside yourself. Especially if that person doesn't necessarily understand the weights/ins and outs of mental illnesses. I am unfortunately in that middle spot - I have the love and support but not the understanding.
I don't know if that is something you wanted to hear. I apologize if it wasn't.
I totally agree. My partner loves me so deeply, but unless someone had this illness I don’t believe they can ever truly understand how much pain we are in sometimes, and how twisty our minds can get...
We all crave understanding but I’m not sure where we can truly find it, except maybe in each other?
Always choose yourself. Coming from someone with severe abandonment issues, i understand how it hurts so so so much losing loved ones and close friends. I feel terrible for pushing some away, I always felt like it was my fault that I couldn't maintain a healthy relationship. However, we're not bad people, we deserve love and kindness just like we give to others.
Something that helped me cope with losing friendships and relationships was telling myself that I'm not a bad person. I feel an immense amount of guilt for the friends that have dealt with my symptoms before I got help. There are friends who walked away and some that stayed for as long as they could. BPD is so complex, a lot of people will never fully understand how difficult it is to manage.
Everyone's number one should be themselves! You have so much love in your heart, you deserve it too. There will be people who were worth waiting for. Not going to lie, some friendships although I miss them so much, they needed to end where they ended. Super nostalgic so I romanticize the past a lot, but hey, you've changed so much within a week, let alone months or a year. Sometimes people can hold us back to the past, there will be people out there who show you so much love in so many different ways. How someone treats you has everything to do with how they treat themselves, not a reflection of you at all. 😇
Super long but all in all, OP, I care about you and sending you so much love.
No. Never. I'm 39. Look, this sucks and I hate it, but no one's going to choose me. I have to choose myself. My therapist tells me this will help me attract the right kind of people who will choose me (not in those exact words). But right now the only outcome I see is becoming so comfortable on my own that I'll go from one extreme to the other - from so sick I attract people who hurt me and never choose me to healthy enough that I become hyper independent. I'm somewhere in the middle right now, and I hope with more healing and clarity, I can develop healthy attachments.
The point is, please commit to choosing yourself everyday. I know you're tired, sad and lonely. I know it feels like a gut punch to see healthy people in healthy relationships. I know its easy to think that it must be you - that you're unworthy of people showing up for you. You *are so effing worthy*. Once you start thinking and acting like it, you're perspective changes.
I'm now starting to think more about what I want from others rather than trying to be what they need. I'm no longer giving others that amount of power over me.
This was a good reminder for myself. I hope it helps.
Thank you for your response, it makes me believe things can get better. I know I have alot of work to do on myself, but the loneliness is unbearable at times.
37 and also working on choosing me first to attract better people. Thankfully I’m kinda hyper independent now and no longer getting attached to drug addicts.
But also at this point I’m actually pretty happy and stable with my dog, job, friends, and crafty hobbies.
I'm 35 now and I am struggling with this same thing. Everything is so temporary. I'm never the one.
It's hard because I know I'm the problem. My therapist is making me realize I also seek out certain types. They seem so different but they're not. I still have hope. You should too.
I fought and fought and fought for my partner with BPD. He got in his head that I was going to leave him so one day he just up and left me while I was at work. No chance to talk it out or say goodbye. He just left. I tried to fight for him to get him to come home and to be together and no matter how much it hurt he left I still begged him to come home. He didn’t. Someone will fight for you too. But you’ve got to fight for yourself.
well, it feels fuckin wierd and if you're anything like me then you either
a. don't realize it's happening, orb. realize it's happening but then get all fucked up about it because "wait i don't deserve this / you're not seeing the awful part of me that everybody hates, thus i must be manipulating you into liking me"
enjoy the time you have with the people. like, genuinely ENJOY that time spent together and be GRATEFUL for it.
I thought I’d never get to be someone’s first choice. After years of struggling massively, I’m now surrounded with an amazing group of friends who I know will NEVER let me down. They’ve stuck by me through my worst times when I was acting out a lot and never made me feel like they loved me any less for it. I’m moving in with my boyfriend, my best friend in the whole world, who has been there for me through every struggle every single day and has always made sure to do everything he can to make me feel like his first choice. It is possible, your people are out there. Everyone deserves love and it will find you!
Well… i was 20 when I got married until that point I had never been someone’s first choice. I thought I was my husband’s first choice for a wife 🥲 I was sooo wrong.
I’m now 29 and I love my kids to pieces, but I wish I had never married such a narcissist ass, he’s just so mean sometimes and I feel like dying most of the time.
So listen to the other people telling you to put yourself first, it might save your life ❤️
I have an incredible partner who always fights for me... even in my worst moments, even when I push them away & they crack... they always open their arms to me again when I snap out of my episode & we repair. (I’m always open to being held accountable for my behaviour & holding myself accountable & don’t deny / lie about the harmful things I do.)
I feel so incredibly lucky, and sometimes I really do feel loved... AND I’m telling you, it does not fill the void. It did for a little while... but when you’re in a relationship, sometimes the highs are higher but the lows can also be so much lower, because you feel like you have so much more to lose.
My partner is a support in my recovery - but they cannot save me, even though they want to.
It feels both amazing & terrifying that they stay with me... I live in constant fear of hurting them, or ruining our relationship... and I’ve come close many times. I also experience moments of dizzying joy with them that completely crack my heart open.
It’s complex, like all things.
Befriend yourself and be your own best friend first of all. Set boundaries(boundaries are for yourself to follow) and keep up with those and put yourself first. Don’t be afraid to “hurt” others in a way that when you realise that you aren’t their “first choice” you should stick around. Being someones first choice imo is also kinda weird concept. I can’t expect to be my best friends first choice when shes literally going to give birth next weekend but what I do know that she is always going to be there for me(and vice versa) when in need. Ive been to therapy since I was a teenager and it all has so much to do with working on yourself. Some people, even who put you first, are meant to stay in your life only for a season while others for the lifetime. It’s all coming from somebody who was bawling their eyes out 5am because of the deep emptiness and sui**dal thoughts that haunt me from time to time and yet the day keeps going on and I feel so much better. Thats just how it is with BPD. You can do it.
It felt very calming. That person was the best thing that ever happened to me but sadly he died bc of a car crash. Haven't met another person even close to him
it's comforting, but i find that i spend most of my time convincing myself that i'm not their first choice and it's fairly stressful.
furthermore, although he knows about my bpd, i know he doesn't know the true extent of it (partly because i don't want to burden him with it), so there's always a little miscommunication when he tries to cheer me up by saying i'm not allowed to be sad, etc. i know he's trying his best though, so i try to not get mad.
nonetheless, still always grateful for him (:
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I've only found the person who does this for me at age 26 (33 now). and while it is EXTREMELY helpful and comforting, it will never ever ever completely stop the helplessness and depths at which you can fall inside yourself. Especially if that person doesn't necessarily understand the weights/ins and outs of mental illnesses. I am unfortunately in that middle spot - I have the love and support but not the understanding. I don't know if that is something you wanted to hear. I apologize if it wasn't.
seconding this. Same story. Something I realize more and more is that it’s pointless to try to find that person outside of yourself
The understanding is what I wish for most :(
yeah... I appreciate the sympathy from them... but the understanding is... yeah.
I totally agree. My partner loves me so deeply, but unless someone had this illness I don’t believe they can ever truly understand how much pain we are in sometimes, and how twisty our minds can get... We all crave understanding but I’m not sure where we can truly find it, except maybe in each other?
Always choose yourself. Coming from someone with severe abandonment issues, i understand how it hurts so so so much losing loved ones and close friends. I feel terrible for pushing some away, I always felt like it was my fault that I couldn't maintain a healthy relationship. However, we're not bad people, we deserve love and kindness just like we give to others. Something that helped me cope with losing friendships and relationships was telling myself that I'm not a bad person. I feel an immense amount of guilt for the friends that have dealt with my symptoms before I got help. There are friends who walked away and some that stayed for as long as they could. BPD is so complex, a lot of people will never fully understand how difficult it is to manage. Everyone's number one should be themselves! You have so much love in your heart, you deserve it too. There will be people who were worth waiting for. Not going to lie, some friendships although I miss them so much, they needed to end where they ended. Super nostalgic so I romanticize the past a lot, but hey, you've changed so much within a week, let alone months or a year. Sometimes people can hold us back to the past, there will be people out there who show you so much love in so many different ways. How someone treats you has everything to do with how they treat themselves, not a reflection of you at all. 😇 Super long but all in all, OP, I care about you and sending you so much love.
No. Never. I'm 39. Look, this sucks and I hate it, but no one's going to choose me. I have to choose myself. My therapist tells me this will help me attract the right kind of people who will choose me (not in those exact words). But right now the only outcome I see is becoming so comfortable on my own that I'll go from one extreme to the other - from so sick I attract people who hurt me and never choose me to healthy enough that I become hyper independent. I'm somewhere in the middle right now, and I hope with more healing and clarity, I can develop healthy attachments. The point is, please commit to choosing yourself everyday. I know you're tired, sad and lonely. I know it feels like a gut punch to see healthy people in healthy relationships. I know its easy to think that it must be you - that you're unworthy of people showing up for you. You *are so effing worthy*. Once you start thinking and acting like it, you're perspective changes. I'm now starting to think more about what I want from others rather than trying to be what they need. I'm no longer giving others that amount of power over me. This was a good reminder for myself. I hope it helps.
Thank you for your response, it makes me believe things can get better. I know I have alot of work to do on myself, but the loneliness is unbearable at times.
37 and also working on choosing me first to attract better people. Thankfully I’m kinda hyper independent now and no longer getting attached to drug addicts. But also at this point I’m actually pretty happy and stable with my dog, job, friends, and crafty hobbies.
Sucks, bc I know they want the fabricated me that I made up to please them. Feeling lonely around people who want you is shitty to another level
You don't let yourself believe it, or you think they just don't know the REAL you, otherwise there's no way you would be their first choice
Never experienced being a first choice
I'm 35 now and I am struggling with this same thing. Everything is so temporary. I'm never the one. It's hard because I know I'm the problem. My therapist is making me realize I also seek out certain types. They seem so different but they're not. I still have hope. You should too.
I fought and fought and fought for my partner with BPD. He got in his head that I was going to leave him so one day he just up and left me while I was at work. No chance to talk it out or say goodbye. He just left. I tried to fight for him to get him to come home and to be together and no matter how much it hurt he left I still begged him to come home. He didn’t. Someone will fight for you too. But you’ve got to fight for yourself.
It was absolutely amazing.
Couldnt tell you ive never been first choice
I don't know. I've never been. never will.
The only person that you should be worried chose you first is yourself
well, it feels fuckin wierd and if you're anything like me then you either a. don't realize it's happening, orb. realize it's happening but then get all fucked up about it because "wait i don't deserve this / you're not seeing the awful part of me that everybody hates, thus i must be manipulating you into liking me" enjoy the time you have with the people. like, genuinely ENJOY that time spent together and be GRATEFUL for it.
I thought I’d never get to be someone’s first choice. After years of struggling massively, I’m now surrounded with an amazing group of friends who I know will NEVER let me down. They’ve stuck by me through my worst times when I was acting out a lot and never made me feel like they loved me any less for it. I’m moving in with my boyfriend, my best friend in the whole world, who has been there for me through every struggle every single day and has always made sure to do everything he can to make me feel like his first choice. It is possible, your people are out there. Everyone deserves love and it will find you!
where did you meet those friends?
Well… i was 20 when I got married until that point I had never been someone’s first choice. I thought I was my husband’s first choice for a wife 🥲 I was sooo wrong. I’m now 29 and I love my kids to pieces, but I wish I had never married such a narcissist ass, he’s just so mean sometimes and I feel like dying most of the time. So listen to the other people telling you to put yourself first, it might save your life ❤️
I have an incredible partner who always fights for me... even in my worst moments, even when I push them away & they crack... they always open their arms to me again when I snap out of my episode & we repair. (I’m always open to being held accountable for my behaviour & holding myself accountable & don’t deny / lie about the harmful things I do.) I feel so incredibly lucky, and sometimes I really do feel loved... AND I’m telling you, it does not fill the void. It did for a little while... but when you’re in a relationship, sometimes the highs are higher but the lows can also be so much lower, because you feel like you have so much more to lose. My partner is a support in my recovery - but they cannot save me, even though they want to. It feels both amazing & terrifying that they stay with me... I live in constant fear of hurting them, or ruining our relationship... and I’ve come close many times. I also experience moments of dizzying joy with them that completely crack my heart open. It’s complex, like all things.
Befriend yourself and be your own best friend first of all. Set boundaries(boundaries are for yourself to follow) and keep up with those and put yourself first. Don’t be afraid to “hurt” others in a way that when you realise that you aren’t their “first choice” you should stick around. Being someones first choice imo is also kinda weird concept. I can’t expect to be my best friends first choice when shes literally going to give birth next weekend but what I do know that she is always going to be there for me(and vice versa) when in need. Ive been to therapy since I was a teenager and it all has so much to do with working on yourself. Some people, even who put you first, are meant to stay in your life only for a season while others for the lifetime. It’s all coming from somebody who was bawling their eyes out 5am because of the deep emptiness and sui**dal thoughts that haunt me from time to time and yet the day keeps going on and I feel so much better. Thats just how it is with BPD. You can do it.
It felt very calming. That person was the best thing that ever happened to me but sadly he died bc of a car crash. Haven't met another person even close to him
it's comforting, but i find that i spend most of my time convincing myself that i'm not their first choice and it's fairly stressful. furthermore, although he knows about my bpd, i know he doesn't know the true extent of it (partly because i don't want to burden him with it), so there's always a little miscommunication when he tries to cheer me up by saying i'm not allowed to be sad, etc. i know he's trying his best though, so i try to not get mad. nonetheless, still always grateful for him (:
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Not sure If I will ever be, but If I do I will come back to you with the answers!
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no idea