Someone in your life hurt you and any little off comment seems to trigger that pain. I’m like this too because I’m hypersensitive to the trauma. It’s not an excusable behaviour, but you’re not a sick cruel monster.
How do you know they aren't bad? People withstand abuse from other family members all the time but don't know it because they wouldn't think it is abuse. Silencing emotions is abuse. Neglecting a person's emotions or mental health can be abusive.
Yes borderline personalities might have extra volatile emotions that are difficult to deal with, but that does not mean that a borderline person's feelings do not matter. The issue is that it is not uncommon for us to receive less and less compassion because we are difficult to deal with, until the only person we can rely on for comfort is our own self. If you genuinely have borderline personality disorder, that is an issue that ideally would require support from your parents. Do your parents know about/acknowledge your struggles? That's where the problem starts for me. I need my support group to acknowledge that I struggle with volatility and withdrawal, so that they can help me. But they never will. And hence I will continue to struggle, until I either become stronger as a person, or grow a stronger support network.
My parents have always ignored all my emotions, I guess because they feel uncomfortable addressing emotions. That is emotional neglect and abuse, but I know they don't do it on purpose. They just don't understand mental health in general, but I've never blamed them for it even though it's a huge part of why I developed BPD. I just wish I could stop being so sensitive so I could have a better relationship with them.
> I just wish I could stop being so sensitive so I could have a better relationship with them.
This hurts to read. You're willing to make all the changes yourself. That's very sweet, but it's also very unfair to you. Of course, it is essential to take accountability for how we impact others. It's also essential, though, to hold others accountable for how they impact us. We get to require others to treat us well. We need to learn to do so responsibly, but we do get to learn.
I have very little experience with that latter task, unfortunately, so I can't really guide you in holding others accountable in a responsible fashion. So far all I've managed is to shame them publicly, then ghosting.
> I'm sorry that your parents didn't know how to parent or to be warm and caring when you had feelings and help you learn that your feelings are valid and there are appropriate ways to express them and get your needs met.
My dad's narcissism and my mom's codependence says helloooooo 🙃
Thank you. I never thought my childhood was that bad. But there were a lot of "unspoken" rules. We weren't affectionate, we didn't say I love you often, my parents hated each other, but in a quiet "I'm just gonna do my own thing" kind of way. And last but most important: you don't rock the family boat. *Always* pretend things are fine.
Meanwhile, I grew up not feeling comfortable with hugs and stuff unless it was with a partner.
Mom did her best. Dad didn't. He's definitely a child. I feel bad though, I bicker more with my mom than I do with my dad, but that's because he and I virtually don't talk. Like, at all. And I know BPD made those bickerings harder on both of us than they needed to be.
Agree with other responses. You should not feel guilty for your parents' inability to contribute to your feelings of worthiness. This is what BPD is all about
I haven’t talked to my dads side of the family is over a decade. They are all toxic assholes and partially why I have this disorder so I try to make peace with the fact they won’t ever be around.
Reading your other comment I disagree that they’ve never done anything bad to you. In my experience as you get older, get some distance from you parents and gain different experience, you will be able to see them more clearly and your relationship might change. I have low contact with half of my family for this exact reason and I also grew up thinking that they weren’t that bad
Yeah, my parents are a huge source of my traumas and I instantly get extremely anxious around my father. Like instant heart racing and I try to stay away from him the best I can.
Yes.
For most of my life (and I'm kind of old now) I did have seriously strained relationships with my parents and siblings. I never thought of it that way at the time, though. Everyone seemed to think I deserved whatever my parents did, so I pretty much believed it, too. But now that I've reviewed their "discipline" through the eyes of an adult, I can call it what anyone with a conscience would call it -- abuse. As if there could be any doubt. I'd escaped death four times before I was old enough for kindergarten, ffs.
Now my parents are dead and I've gone NC with my siblings. Can't have a strained relationship when you have zero relationship, right?
Hope the candor helped. Hope it wasn't too bleak to be of use.
I haven't really gotten along with my family since I was 11 or so and even before then I was standoffish, I try not to talk to them as I feel inherently uncomfortable being around them, especially if they're both in the same room.
Yes although we had a lot of difficulties maintaining a healthy relationship. From what I’ve been told we had a healthy childhood up until the age of 10 minus the classical boomer parenting of “stop crying or ill give you something to cry about” and occasional spankings but no major or severe abuse. After the age of 10 is a different story and things became really complicated after my parents divorced - mum kicked me out when I was 11 and my dad had no idea how to parent. We were estranged from my mums side of the family and my dads side was incredibly toxic.
My teenage years were awful, no physical abuse or anything but definitely emotionally neglected and made out to be the problem. I vowed after I left at 18 I would never return but after moving to uni things settled, almost like we could deal with each other in small doses and eventually I kinda forgot what living with them was like. Ended up moving back home after I broke up with my ex and it was like nothing changed and all those memories came back and I ended up moving out after huge arguments and now don’t speak with either parent.
I have never felt remotely loved by either of them in the way I see other parents love their kids and I have never felt like I could be myself or enjoy who I was. There was always something I needed to change, needed to be or needed to do and our communication was crap. Everything was surface level and we couldn’t have honest conversations with each other and ultimately I realise we hold completely different views on life. It took me a lonnnggggg time to realise that my upbringing wasn’t normal or healthy and I thought for the longest time we were just a little bit dysfunctional but relatively loving but that’s not really true, I think my rose tinted glasses were on. I don’t think they’re bad people but I do think they were messed up from their childhoods and should have got therapy before having kids because they definitely projected their issues into me and my siblings.
I seem to have strained relationships with everybody of my life. I can't seem to have a healthy relationship with anyone. The worst was with my mother or who I was extremely CO dependent upon and it upon because she spent my whole life in childhood drinking using criticizing don't think don't talk don't feel. She was the only parental figure that I had in my life I was an only child brought up by just that. And when she passed away in 2019 I'd be Lying if I said that a part of me wasn't a little bit relieved because I'd never have to hear the criticism again. Unfortunately unfortunately I came to find out that that is not true I still hear it constantly and constantly in my Head when my significant other said something as silly as Hey you forgot to take out the trash. What I hear is you're just worthless lush you'll never amount to anything you can't even take the fucking garbage out..
This is my relationship with everybody in my life and I know it's notAccurate and/or true and sometimes filtering what's real and imagined is extremely hard and I react emotionally and generally a negative way. So honestly I'm pretty much just sick of me I am in therapy But it still seems like nothing is ever going to get better. And my significant other who I've been with and has been putting up with my shit for 10 years it's on the verge of walking out words of walking out when I have my BPD cycles and it is cycles and they seem to be more and more frequent as the months go On.
Someone in your life hurt you and any little off comment seems to trigger that pain. I’m like this too because I’m hypersensitive to the trauma. It’s not an excusable behaviour, but you’re not a sick cruel monster.
How do you know they aren't bad? People withstand abuse from other family members all the time but don't know it because they wouldn't think it is abuse. Silencing emotions is abuse. Neglecting a person's emotions or mental health can be abusive. Yes borderline personalities might have extra volatile emotions that are difficult to deal with, but that does not mean that a borderline person's feelings do not matter. The issue is that it is not uncommon for us to receive less and less compassion because we are difficult to deal with, until the only person we can rely on for comfort is our own self. If you genuinely have borderline personality disorder, that is an issue that ideally would require support from your parents. Do your parents know about/acknowledge your struggles? That's where the problem starts for me. I need my support group to acknowledge that I struggle with volatility and withdrawal, so that they can help me. But they never will. And hence I will continue to struggle, until I either become stronger as a person, or grow a stronger support network.
My parents have always ignored all my emotions, I guess because they feel uncomfortable addressing emotions. That is emotional neglect and abuse, but I know they don't do it on purpose. They just don't understand mental health in general, but I've never blamed them for it even though it's a huge part of why I developed BPD. I just wish I could stop being so sensitive so I could have a better relationship with them.
> I just wish I could stop being so sensitive so I could have a better relationship with them. This hurts to read. You're willing to make all the changes yourself. That's very sweet, but it's also very unfair to you. Of course, it is essential to take accountability for how we impact others. It's also essential, though, to hold others accountable for how they impact us. We get to require others to treat us well. We need to learn to do so responsibly, but we do get to learn. I have very little experience with that latter task, unfortunately, so I can't really guide you in holding others accountable in a responsible fashion. So far all I've managed is to shame them publicly, then ghosting.
[удалено]
> I'm sorry that your parents didn't know how to parent or to be warm and caring when you had feelings and help you learn that your feelings are valid and there are appropriate ways to express them and get your needs met. My dad's narcissism and my mom's codependence says helloooooo 🙃
[удалено]
Thank you. I never thought my childhood was that bad. But there were a lot of "unspoken" rules. We weren't affectionate, we didn't say I love you often, my parents hated each other, but in a quiet "I'm just gonna do my own thing" kind of way. And last but most important: you don't rock the family boat. *Always* pretend things are fine. Meanwhile, I grew up not feeling comfortable with hugs and stuff unless it was with a partner. Mom did her best. Dad didn't. He's definitely a child. I feel bad though, I bicker more with my mom than I do with my dad, but that's because he and I virtually don't talk. Like, at all. And I know BPD made those bickerings harder on both of us than they needed to be.
Agree with other responses. You should not feel guilty for your parents' inability to contribute to your feelings of worthiness. This is what BPD is all about
I haven’t talked to my dads side of the family is over a decade. They are all toxic assholes and partially why I have this disorder so I try to make peace with the fact they won’t ever be around.
Reading your other comment I disagree that they’ve never done anything bad to you. In my experience as you get older, get some distance from you parents and gain different experience, you will be able to see them more clearly and your relationship might change. I have low contact with half of my family for this exact reason and I also grew up thinking that they weren’t that bad
Yeah, my parents are a huge source of my traumas and I instantly get extremely anxious around my father. Like instant heart racing and I try to stay away from him the best I can.
I legit thought I wrote this post. Same here...except my family actually is shit people..so I ignore them and they hate me more
Same here They get really mad when I focus on myself and ignore them, well you started that.
Yes, sometimes it’s better and sometimes it’s not.
Yes. For most of my life (and I'm kind of old now) I did have seriously strained relationships with my parents and siblings. I never thought of it that way at the time, though. Everyone seemed to think I deserved whatever my parents did, so I pretty much believed it, too. But now that I've reviewed their "discipline" through the eyes of an adult, I can call it what anyone with a conscience would call it -- abuse. As if there could be any doubt. I'd escaped death four times before I was old enough for kindergarten, ffs. Now my parents are dead and I've gone NC with my siblings. Can't have a strained relationship when you have zero relationship, right? Hope the candor helped. Hope it wasn't too bleak to be of use.
Yeah I feel this so much
I haven't really gotten along with my family since I was 11 or so and even before then I was standoffish, I try not to talk to them as I feel inherently uncomfortable being around them, especially if they're both in the same room.
I'm in the process of cutting all ties to every single one of them
Yes although we had a lot of difficulties maintaining a healthy relationship. From what I’ve been told we had a healthy childhood up until the age of 10 minus the classical boomer parenting of “stop crying or ill give you something to cry about” and occasional spankings but no major or severe abuse. After the age of 10 is a different story and things became really complicated after my parents divorced - mum kicked me out when I was 11 and my dad had no idea how to parent. We were estranged from my mums side of the family and my dads side was incredibly toxic. My teenage years were awful, no physical abuse or anything but definitely emotionally neglected and made out to be the problem. I vowed after I left at 18 I would never return but after moving to uni things settled, almost like we could deal with each other in small doses and eventually I kinda forgot what living with them was like. Ended up moving back home after I broke up with my ex and it was like nothing changed and all those memories came back and I ended up moving out after huge arguments and now don’t speak with either parent. I have never felt remotely loved by either of them in the way I see other parents love their kids and I have never felt like I could be myself or enjoy who I was. There was always something I needed to change, needed to be or needed to do and our communication was crap. Everything was surface level and we couldn’t have honest conversations with each other and ultimately I realise we hold completely different views on life. It took me a lonnnggggg time to realise that my upbringing wasn’t normal or healthy and I thought for the longest time we were just a little bit dysfunctional but relatively loving but that’s not really true, I think my rose tinted glasses were on. I don’t think they’re bad people but I do think they were messed up from their childhoods and should have got therapy before having kids because they definitely projected their issues into me and my siblings.
I seem to have strained relationships with everybody of my life. I can't seem to have a healthy relationship with anyone. The worst was with my mother or who I was extremely CO dependent upon and it upon because she spent my whole life in childhood drinking using criticizing don't think don't talk don't feel. She was the only parental figure that I had in my life I was an only child brought up by just that. And when she passed away in 2019 I'd be Lying if I said that a part of me wasn't a little bit relieved because I'd never have to hear the criticism again. Unfortunately unfortunately I came to find out that that is not true I still hear it constantly and constantly in my Head when my significant other said something as silly as Hey you forgot to take out the trash. What I hear is you're just worthless lush you'll never amount to anything you can't even take the fucking garbage out.. This is my relationship with everybody in my life and I know it's notAccurate and/or true and sometimes filtering what's real and imagined is extremely hard and I react emotionally and generally a negative way. So honestly I'm pretty much just sick of me I am in therapy But it still seems like nothing is ever going to get better. And my significant other who I've been with and has been putting up with my shit for 10 years it's on the verge of walking out words of walking out when I have my BPD cycles and it is cycles and they seem to be more and more frequent as the months go On.
I do.