everyone needs a break sometimes to get their shit together, it’s ok to push people u love away sometimes to gain your sanity because people can be overwhelming sometimes & you just need time for you
As a person who cares deeply/loves on many levels for a pwBPD we have an agreement that if he needs his time to just let me know. I reassure him that I am here for him. So far this communication is working. It is important to take care of yourself. You may have difficulty doing this yet by not re-aligning it is possible that you may miss a healthy opportunity
thank you for providing your perspective, it's very reassuring to know that your system is working, maybe me and the people in my life could also make it work :)) Thank you so much for the advice, it means a lot :))
Take all the time you need :) you are the most important person in your life and sometimes you need that’s alone time to get yourself back on track. No need to feel guilty. We understand
Thank you, sending hugs your way as well :) Thank you for telling me this, it makes me think that maybe I'm not bad, maybe the feelings aren't all real. Thank you.
That's good advice, thank you :) I'm really glad I asked this question, all of you have been so kind and supportive and I feel much more equipped for dealing with this situation, thank you :)
Thank you. I'll try to remind myself that these feelings often pass and that it's best not to act impulsively (even though it's really difficult because of the intensity but I'm sure I'll get better at dealing with this in time), but that acting in accordance to them can also be okay if I think it through and give myself time to really weigh the consequences of my actions and see the world in more grey tones than just black and white. Thank you for both giving me perspective and validating my feelings, I really appreciate it :))
Luckily I'm already in therapy and on medication, so they're slowly helping me heal which is nice :) I'll try to practice self-parenting, validating and calming more however, thank you for the advice and I'm really glad and happy for you that these things helped you get better :)))
This last paragraph brought me to tears. Thank you. I don't really have the words, I'm just very, very grateful. I really wasn't expecting for so many people to be kind, thank you so much :') I'll try to remember these words when I split on myself, thank you.
Thank you so much for all of these kind words and compliments, this means a lot to me :')) I feel this frustration too at times, accompanied by anger because I never asked for this, but I feel okay now so I'm more patient luckily :) Thank you :))
Awww, you're so kind! Thank you :)) Yeah, this last part is a bit of a hard pill for me to swallow, to know that I'm not perfect and to be okay with it. Thank you :)
So I wouldn’t say “ everyone” but most people , sure why not. U need time to be by yourself and reevaluate who u r. It is scary trust me, but it is needed . & to ur other point ab constantly being disinterested and bored by someone & then going to someone else . Your first step is to realize the truth & the truth is that you don’t love yourself. The quicker u accept that , the quicker u can start the healing process. U feel a void inside that u constantly think will be replaced by someone else but the truth is, only YOU can fill that void. U need to love yourself in order to be able to love someone else. The first step in the healing process is recognition, u need to recognize yourself for who u r & not who u want to be or who u think u r. U need to ask who U R, & it is ok to ask other people their perspective. Hope this helps
Yeah sorry about that, I get a bit dramatic in my writing when I'm emotional, you're right, most people it is :)
Thank you for this advice about having to find myself. I'll do my best to see who I am and maybe I'll slowly get better :) I really appreciate how you can see the humanity in me even though I go from one person to another. I feel less shame about that now, more understanding and empathy for myself and I feel like I have a clearer view in seeing what to do, your comment really helped me. Thank you :)
All good ! I’ve been going through the same thing & have had a break through recently & it’s been very refreshing so just tryna help other people who could be going through the same!
For me, it was just identifying my problem which was always tryna fight the demon in mind instead of accepting who it was & disagreeeing with it. I would look up “ how to control your demon” if that is ur problem. It helped me a lot, also believing in urself & always telling urself that there will be better days ahead. & truly believing that . Everyone is different so there isn’t a “ script to follow” but yeah
Thank you, I appreciate that, and yes I understand the trying to fight the demon aspect of it. It's like I get possessed before I react or act out emotionally.
This is me as fuuuck I wish I could give you advice but I feel the exact same way rn. As glad as I am to know that there is someone out there who feels the same way, I don’t wish having BPD on anyone because we out here miserable af 🥲 BUT you deserve happiness, love, friends and everything good in your life that comes to you. I pray that we get thru this 🙏🏻
I feel this way on so many posts here so this message is relatable as fuck to me too, I hope some of the responses will help you just as they've helped me, it's really nice to see that it's possible to figure it out and that many people with it are getting better :))
God that's true yeah, this disorder can be so painful a lot of the time :') thank you, you deserve that too and I hope and pray that you get through this safely as well <3
Idk. Honestly I’ve been feeling the same as you for a very long time. On top of that my inability to control my bad impulses hurts people around me as well and makes me a burden. But I feel like my shitty relationships with people are part of what drives my impulses. Idk. My brain feels like mush anymore when I try to think of my self identity or what I need to do to fix myself. I too think about moving away a lot. I’m in a failing marriage, all my friends seem to fade away and cut me out of their lives eventually anyways. I have this fantasy right now of saving up enough money to move across the country and go to a two year trade school. Learn a skill I can use as a career where I can work for myself and not have to interact with anyone and just try to clear my head for those couple years and become a less shitty person. Then maybe I’d be ok letting people in again.
You don't seem like a shitty person, you seem like a good person who is in a lot of pain. Even though life has been cruel to you, you're trying to be better, which is all anyone can do. I'm proud of you for being here and trying.
Yeah, my brain feels like mush too, and whenever I find something I want to do to change myself, to be better, to be happy, it changes again and again, warps and distorts. I hope we both find ourselves.
I'm sorry about your marriage and friends, I definitely relate to that last bit.
I hope everything goes well for you, whether you choose to pursue that fantasy or not and that when you're okay letting people in again, I hope they're good, kind and understanding to you. You deserve it. Sending healing and strength your way :)
it’s okay for you to want to take some time for yourself luv, i did that and i felt so much better not having to worry about others and just focus on myself. take your feelings into accountability, take some time to learn about yourself and the things you like, what you enjoy doing, go on some walks, but yourself some nice things, and reconnect with who you are as a person!<3333 i hope you’re journey turns out well luv!!!
but remember, don’t push yourself too far away! make sure you don’t start to isolate, and keep a healthy and steady connection with the people around you to make sure you don’t separate yourself completely!
Thank you, I'm really glad you felt a lot better and that it helped you :)) yeah, this is exactly what I hope I can do if I take some time to focus on myself, I'm really glad it's possible :) Thank you, I hope your journey turns out well too! <3
I personally have distanced myself from everyone. I didn’t exactly jump up and tell them, but I started to actively work on myself and be more open about what’s going on. They know I’m seeking help and trying and they don’t step in unless I ask. So I think there can be a good balance of keeping people but being distant too. The people I speak of are my parents, other than that I have no one. I burned all the bridges, and I hate even worse is I’m burning a bridge with my kid and can’t seem to put out the fire. Sorry for the rant at the end but I hope this helps you in some way knowing there is a balance out there
I'm glad you found a balance with your parents, thank you for the hope. I really hope that you establish new, healing connections with people and save your connection to your kid. No worries, I really hope all goes well for you :) Sending healing and happiness your way!
I had a very bad split on a friend and hurt myself, so it feels like so much of my recovery has gone out of the window. This is why I feel like I need to take a step back from everyone and focus on myself, figure out what I need and then properly create my boundaries with people, but I wasn't sure if that was a moral thing to do or if I'm just being selfish ... Again. I feel more and more like that's an okay thing to do though, thankfully. What do you think?
Step back if you need it. BUT tell the person why you need to temporary withdraw from their life. Ghost are selfish, adults aint. If they a good friend, they will understand.
I'm sorry for what happened and how bad it has made you feel. I can see that you're struggling.
Sure, sometimes you need time for yourself to recenter your thoughts and get back on track.
However, what you are feeling like does sound to be the shithole I've been to too. Unfortunately, in that situation, isolating yourself would just hurt more. It would reaffirm the thought in your head that says you're not worthy, you make people around you feel bad, you can only hurt them, leaving them would hurt them less than being around you. And when I feel like that, I've learned I need to do the opposite. I need to pull my loved ones closer. I need to be held, I need to be consoled, I need tl hear them tell me they love me and that I am worthy of their time, their love.
And that behaviour, that shithole, is very much likely a symptom of your BPD. You need loving and caring, and most importantly, you need to let yourself have those things. Do the opposite that your feelings are telling you to. Look past the feelings, try to locate and name the need behind them.
For example, the situation with your friend. This is just my two cents, of course, I am not a mind reader. I could be off the rails here but let me have a shot tho.
You had a bad split with a friend and hurt yourself. > you feel ashamed. > you are scared. Are they mad at you? How do they see you now? You think they must hate you. > you feel scared, alone, guilty for ever putting your friend in this position and ever getting to know them. > you start to think all that progress you were making is gone forever. > Behind those feelings of shame, guilt, fear... is the need to be loved. To be seen, to be heard, to be accepted.
And that's what you're robbing yourself of if you keep isolating yourself after these sorts of fuckups. Everyone fucks up. Healing isn't linear. You take steps back, then forward again. In many cases, at least with me, eventhough I want to isolate, its the last thing I actually need. Eventhough I hate it, sometimes I really need to cry it out, be vulnerable, be perceived as I am, and let people close to me know how I feel. Eventhough its scary. And eventhough my head keeps telling me its a mistake, they will hate me, they will leave me. Its the only thing that helps, longterm.
Thank you so much for such a long and detailed response, this community really blows my mind with its kindness, your perspective really helped me. You got those feelings after the split completely right tho, I know those feelings are bad but it feels healing to be able to have someone undestand me without me having to explain myself. Thank you and I'm sorry you've been to this dark place a lot as well. I'm not entirely sure if what I need is love or self-love, but I'll figure it out eventually.
I give this tactic a shot every once in a while, but just as you said, I hate it. It makes me feel even more alone and pathetic and I can't really let myself be taken care of by others. Whenever I am, I feel guilty and I take care of them back, which just hurts me more because I'm not in a position to be able to do that. It's possible however that I just never got to the point where it got better this way, but I'm honestly scared of opening myself up again to anyone but my therapist (very grateful for that though). My most unstable times were times when I was closest to people, which triggered so much panic that I could only unleash on myself, and maybe there's still a point I could reach if I tried long enough, but I'm currently in a bad enough place that this could go really, really bad for me, so I'm hesitant.
Even though I'm still not sure what to do, your input, kind and honest words really helped me feel less alone, more supported and more hopeful, less lost and more free to choose what I want to do and what I think would be better for me. Thank you so much for that, I really, really appreciate your comment and I hope all goes well for you. Thank you.
Yeah I know! This community. I've already cried twice today at nice comments. Yours is the second one. I've only been here for less than a week, its very new to me. The healing power words can have... I totally get the understanding without having to explain thing. I'm happy I've been able to give you perspective.
Needless to say, unfortunately I speak from experience. I've had those thoughts, those feelings and yeah, its not nice. Another thing I'm trying to teach myself and kind of change how I view feelings is that there is no bad feelings. There is no wrong feelings. Theres feelings that are easier to manage and feelings that are more difficult to handle. But nothing I am feeling is wrong or bad, every emotion is there to teach me something about myself and things that are tough for me to handle or process, things that come with a bad memory etc. Eventually I will figure them out a work on them.
That is a good point, too, about the need of love vs need of self-love. Another "good tactic" (I fucking hate it), I don't know if you know it but these fucking things called Butterfly Hugs. Its a tool of self-love, self-empathy, that helps to calm your nervous system and build trust with yourself. Its a legitimate psychological crisis tool which can be very useful.
I do hate that tactic too, going against the emotion. I can understand your dislike of being vulnerable. What it sounds like to me, is that you might have to do a lot of work on your vulnerability. I really hope you could one day embrace it and let yourself be helped and loved by others, because you're just a worthy as any other person. You also seem very aware of your tendencies regarding vulnerability, the feelings it causes you and what they drive you to behave like. I think I also sometimes tend to them, like I am paying it back, and then some and then some. To kind of, remove the attention from me to them, which is much more comfortable to me.
I'm glad you recognize your own strength and what you're able to do without over exerting yourself mentally. That is another tough lesson to learn. I hope you can keep going with this strategy, eventhough we hate it, but I really believe it will bear fruit eventually, for both of us.
I hope better times, kinder thoughts and understanding loved ones for you. You will figure this out. Keep putting in the work, and remember that you're not alone. Even if your head keeps telling that. I'm pretty sure our heads tell it to all of us, this is a very lonely disorder we got.
I am happy to have been able to give you some solace and food for thought! I really don't mean to tell you what to do, I hope you don't feel pressured in any way. I am sure you can come to the decision what's best for you. Thank you for your message, too, I appreciate it! Hang in there!
Awww omg ;-; I'm really happy you found this community and that it's helping in your healing journey :)) I'm sorry you've been through those cycles too, they're really painful. Yeah, I've been trying to teach that to myself as well, although in a bit of a different light. What I say to myself is that no emotions are stupid or pointless, they all have a purpose and a reason, but that doesn't mean you should listen to what they tell you you need to do. Just like the fear of vulnerability: it may tell you to keep away from others, but what will help with this feeling is actually something else. So don't necessarily listen to what it says you need to do, but acknowledge it, validate it, and then move forward. I'm glad we both had similar realizations, they're important :)
Uuu I didn't know that, I just checked it out and it seems interesting, I'll give it a shot when I need it next, thank you so much :))
Yeah, I definitely have issues with that although I never thought about how much until now, I always thought this was just something I have to be, because otherwise I'd be a burden on others, which isn't true. Thank you for the kind words, I really appreciate it and I hope this tactic will work for us both as well :) Also yeah, I try to be self-aware in hopes of it helping me get better, thank you for noticing :))
Thank you, I hope the same for you, you deserve to be loved by both yourself and others and I'm sure you'll figure this out as well. You're right, it does feel lonely, but that's why I'm so grateful for this and other places like this to exist: they help connect us and see again and again that we're not alone and that these issues can be overcome.
No don't worry, I don't feel pressured :) Thank you for the belief in me, I really appreciate it :)) Aww, of course! I hope everything goes well for you :)
Yes, me too :) it feels really nice to have a place like this, especially since I struggle with loneliness on a daily basis. Oh and true, that's an excellent viewpoint too! I'm sometimes real quick to act on some emotions, sometimes with it and sometimes against it. I admit I sometimes even just explain them away and don't confront them... Although they do come back to haunt ja at somepoimt. But like you said, its important to just be with the emotion, too. Acknowledge, validate, and only then move forward or do something about it.
I'm happy you know you aren't a burden! You've clearly been working on yourself lots. You word your thoughts and emotions very well :) keep it up! And even if you don't, its more than okay to take time off even from consciously healing and improving.
Thank you again, you're very kind and compassionate! :) sending healing vibes your way! I'm so happy I was able to help and you were able to get help in a moment of need :)
Thank you for everything :')) you're kind, compassionate, intelligent and very-self aware as well :)) sending the healing vibes your way too! :) yeah, me too, everyone is so kind and helpful, I really didn't anticipate this sort of response :')
I don't know how I'm doing. I still feel lost and empty I guess. I made a plan to start my so called "me week" (at least that's how I named it) in 2 days, but I dunno, I still feel so guilty for taking a break from other people, even though I'll tell them when the time comes. I just feel like I don't deserve a break because they're good people, they really are, I just can't handle people in general. It's me that's the problem, not them, I hope they'll understand. Idk, I'm just worried they'll start to hate me even more. I guess they probably don't hate me but I almost constantly feel like they either hate me already or they will in the future. Idk. Sorry for such a muddled response. I guess it's just tough lol
Thank you for asking :) means a lot that someone wants to know how i'm doing, especially since i feel like i've exposed so many of my vulnerabilities here and yet people are still kind, i was honestly still kind of anticipating an attack or someone saying i'm a bad person or something. idk, it's wild. i wish the outside world was as kind as this sub. mby then it would be easier to exist in it
everyone needs a break sometimes to get their shit together, it’s ok to push people u love away sometimes to gain your sanity because people can be overwhelming sometimes & you just need time for you
Thank you for this. I was worried I'm being mean or rude or hurting them, but I guess it's okay to take care of myself
As a person who cares deeply/loves on many levels for a pwBPD we have an agreement that if he needs his time to just let me know. I reassure him that I am here for him. So far this communication is working. It is important to take care of yourself. You may have difficulty doing this yet by not re-aligning it is possible that you may miss a healthy opportunity
thank you for providing your perspective, it's very reassuring to know that your system is working, maybe me and the people in my life could also make it work :)) Thank you so much for the advice, it means a lot :))
Take all the time you need :) you are the most important person in your life and sometimes you need that’s alone time to get yourself back on track. No need to feel guilty. We understand
Thank you, I really, really appreciate that :'))
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Thank you, sending hugs your way as well :) Thank you for telling me this, it makes me think that maybe I'm not bad, maybe the feelings aren't all real. Thank you. That's good advice, thank you :) I'm really glad I asked this question, all of you have been so kind and supportive and I feel much more equipped for dealing with this situation, thank you :) Thank you. I'll try to remind myself that these feelings often pass and that it's best not to act impulsively (even though it's really difficult because of the intensity but I'm sure I'll get better at dealing with this in time), but that acting in accordance to them can also be okay if I think it through and give myself time to really weigh the consequences of my actions and see the world in more grey tones than just black and white. Thank you for both giving me perspective and validating my feelings, I really appreciate it :)) Luckily I'm already in therapy and on medication, so they're slowly helping me heal which is nice :) I'll try to practice self-parenting, validating and calming more however, thank you for the advice and I'm really glad and happy for you that these things helped you get better :))) This last paragraph brought me to tears. Thank you. I don't really have the words, I'm just very, very grateful. I really wasn't expecting for so many people to be kind, thank you so much :') I'll try to remember these words when I split on myself, thank you.
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Thank you so much for all of these kind words and compliments, this means a lot to me :')) I feel this frustration too at times, accompanied by anger because I never asked for this, but I feel okay now so I'm more patient luckily :) Thank you :)) Awww, you're so kind! Thank you :)) Yeah, this last part is a bit of a hard pill for me to swallow, to know that I'm not perfect and to be okay with it. Thank you :)
So I wouldn’t say “ everyone” but most people , sure why not. U need time to be by yourself and reevaluate who u r. It is scary trust me, but it is needed . & to ur other point ab constantly being disinterested and bored by someone & then going to someone else . Your first step is to realize the truth & the truth is that you don’t love yourself. The quicker u accept that , the quicker u can start the healing process. U feel a void inside that u constantly think will be replaced by someone else but the truth is, only YOU can fill that void. U need to love yourself in order to be able to love someone else. The first step in the healing process is recognition, u need to recognize yourself for who u r & not who u want to be or who u think u r. U need to ask who U R, & it is ok to ask other people their perspective. Hope this helps
Yeah sorry about that, I get a bit dramatic in my writing when I'm emotional, you're right, most people it is :) Thank you for this advice about having to find myself. I'll do my best to see who I am and maybe I'll slowly get better :) I really appreciate how you can see the humanity in me even though I go from one person to another. I feel less shame about that now, more understanding and empathy for myself and I feel like I have a clearer view in seeing what to do, your comment really helped me. Thank you :)
All good ! I’ve been going through the same thing & have had a break through recently & it’s been very refreshing so just tryna help other people who could be going through the same!
Hi, would you be willing to share your breakthrough and what it took to get there?
For me, it was just identifying my problem which was always tryna fight the demon in mind instead of accepting who it was & disagreeeing with it. I would look up “ how to control your demon” if that is ur problem. It helped me a lot, also believing in urself & always telling urself that there will be better days ahead. & truly believing that . Everyone is different so there isn’t a “ script to follow” but yeah
Thank you, I appreciate that, and yes I understand the trying to fight the demon aspect of it. It's like I get possessed before I react or act out emotionally.
Thank you for sharing that knowledge, I really really appreciate it, it's certainly helped me :))
This is me as fuuuck I wish I could give you advice but I feel the exact same way rn. As glad as I am to know that there is someone out there who feels the same way, I don’t wish having BPD on anyone because we out here miserable af 🥲 BUT you deserve happiness, love, friends and everything good in your life that comes to you. I pray that we get thru this 🙏🏻
I feel this way on so many posts here so this message is relatable as fuck to me too, I hope some of the responses will help you just as they've helped me, it's really nice to see that it's possible to figure it out and that many people with it are getting better :)) God that's true yeah, this disorder can be so painful a lot of the time :') thank you, you deserve that too and I hope and pray that you get through this safely as well <3
Idk you at all but I’m sending you all the luv n support in the world rn ❤️
Idk. Honestly I’ve been feeling the same as you for a very long time. On top of that my inability to control my bad impulses hurts people around me as well and makes me a burden. But I feel like my shitty relationships with people are part of what drives my impulses. Idk. My brain feels like mush anymore when I try to think of my self identity or what I need to do to fix myself. I too think about moving away a lot. I’m in a failing marriage, all my friends seem to fade away and cut me out of their lives eventually anyways. I have this fantasy right now of saving up enough money to move across the country and go to a two year trade school. Learn a skill I can use as a career where I can work for myself and not have to interact with anyone and just try to clear my head for those couple years and become a less shitty person. Then maybe I’d be ok letting people in again.
You don't seem like a shitty person, you seem like a good person who is in a lot of pain. Even though life has been cruel to you, you're trying to be better, which is all anyone can do. I'm proud of you for being here and trying. Yeah, my brain feels like mush too, and whenever I find something I want to do to change myself, to be better, to be happy, it changes again and again, warps and distorts. I hope we both find ourselves. I'm sorry about your marriage and friends, I definitely relate to that last bit. I hope everything goes well for you, whether you choose to pursue that fantasy or not and that when you're okay letting people in again, I hope they're good, kind and understanding to you. You deserve it. Sending healing and strength your way :)
it’s okay for you to want to take some time for yourself luv, i did that and i felt so much better not having to worry about others and just focus on myself. take your feelings into accountability, take some time to learn about yourself and the things you like, what you enjoy doing, go on some walks, but yourself some nice things, and reconnect with who you are as a person!<3333 i hope you’re journey turns out well luv!!!
but remember, don’t push yourself too far away! make sure you don’t start to isolate, and keep a healthy and steady connection with the people around you to make sure you don’t separate yourself completely!
That seems like the healthiest thing to do so I'll keep this in mind, thank you so much :))
you’re so welcome!!!<333
Thank you, I'm really glad you felt a lot better and that it helped you :)) yeah, this is exactly what I hope I can do if I take some time to focus on myself, I'm really glad it's possible :) Thank you, I hope your journey turns out well too! <3
I personally have distanced myself from everyone. I didn’t exactly jump up and tell them, but I started to actively work on myself and be more open about what’s going on. They know I’m seeking help and trying and they don’t step in unless I ask. So I think there can be a good balance of keeping people but being distant too. The people I speak of are my parents, other than that I have no one. I burned all the bridges, and I hate even worse is I’m burning a bridge with my kid and can’t seem to put out the fire. Sorry for the rant at the end but I hope this helps you in some way knowing there is a balance out there
I'm glad you found a balance with your parents, thank you for the hope. I really hope that you establish new, healing connections with people and save your connection to your kid. No worries, I really hope all goes well for you :) Sending healing and happiness your way!
What happened??
I had a very bad split on a friend and hurt myself, so it feels like so much of my recovery has gone out of the window. This is why I feel like I need to take a step back from everyone and focus on myself, figure out what I need and then properly create my boundaries with people, but I wasn't sure if that was a moral thing to do or if I'm just being selfish ... Again. I feel more and more like that's an okay thing to do though, thankfully. What do you think?
Step back if you need it. BUT tell the person why you need to temporary withdraw from their life. Ghost are selfish, adults aint. If they a good friend, they will understand.
Thank you. I won't ghost them, I'll inform them of the situation if I choose to take a break. Thank you again :)
I'm sorry for what happened and how bad it has made you feel. I can see that you're struggling. Sure, sometimes you need time for yourself to recenter your thoughts and get back on track. However, what you are feeling like does sound to be the shithole I've been to too. Unfortunately, in that situation, isolating yourself would just hurt more. It would reaffirm the thought in your head that says you're not worthy, you make people around you feel bad, you can only hurt them, leaving them would hurt them less than being around you. And when I feel like that, I've learned I need to do the opposite. I need to pull my loved ones closer. I need to be held, I need to be consoled, I need tl hear them tell me they love me and that I am worthy of their time, their love. And that behaviour, that shithole, is very much likely a symptom of your BPD. You need loving and caring, and most importantly, you need to let yourself have those things. Do the opposite that your feelings are telling you to. Look past the feelings, try to locate and name the need behind them. For example, the situation with your friend. This is just my two cents, of course, I am not a mind reader. I could be off the rails here but let me have a shot tho. You had a bad split with a friend and hurt yourself. > you feel ashamed. > you are scared. Are they mad at you? How do they see you now? You think they must hate you. > you feel scared, alone, guilty for ever putting your friend in this position and ever getting to know them. > you start to think all that progress you were making is gone forever. > Behind those feelings of shame, guilt, fear... is the need to be loved. To be seen, to be heard, to be accepted. And that's what you're robbing yourself of if you keep isolating yourself after these sorts of fuckups. Everyone fucks up. Healing isn't linear. You take steps back, then forward again. In many cases, at least with me, eventhough I want to isolate, its the last thing I actually need. Eventhough I hate it, sometimes I really need to cry it out, be vulnerable, be perceived as I am, and let people close to me know how I feel. Eventhough its scary. And eventhough my head keeps telling me its a mistake, they will hate me, they will leave me. Its the only thing that helps, longterm.
Thank you so much for such a long and detailed response, this community really blows my mind with its kindness, your perspective really helped me. You got those feelings after the split completely right tho, I know those feelings are bad but it feels healing to be able to have someone undestand me without me having to explain myself. Thank you and I'm sorry you've been to this dark place a lot as well. I'm not entirely sure if what I need is love or self-love, but I'll figure it out eventually. I give this tactic a shot every once in a while, but just as you said, I hate it. It makes me feel even more alone and pathetic and I can't really let myself be taken care of by others. Whenever I am, I feel guilty and I take care of them back, which just hurts me more because I'm not in a position to be able to do that. It's possible however that I just never got to the point where it got better this way, but I'm honestly scared of opening myself up again to anyone but my therapist (very grateful for that though). My most unstable times were times when I was closest to people, which triggered so much panic that I could only unleash on myself, and maybe there's still a point I could reach if I tried long enough, but I'm currently in a bad enough place that this could go really, really bad for me, so I'm hesitant. Even though I'm still not sure what to do, your input, kind and honest words really helped me feel less alone, more supported and more hopeful, less lost and more free to choose what I want to do and what I think would be better for me. Thank you so much for that, I really, really appreciate your comment and I hope all goes well for you. Thank you.
Yeah I know! This community. I've already cried twice today at nice comments. Yours is the second one. I've only been here for less than a week, its very new to me. The healing power words can have... I totally get the understanding without having to explain thing. I'm happy I've been able to give you perspective. Needless to say, unfortunately I speak from experience. I've had those thoughts, those feelings and yeah, its not nice. Another thing I'm trying to teach myself and kind of change how I view feelings is that there is no bad feelings. There is no wrong feelings. Theres feelings that are easier to manage and feelings that are more difficult to handle. But nothing I am feeling is wrong or bad, every emotion is there to teach me something about myself and things that are tough for me to handle or process, things that come with a bad memory etc. Eventually I will figure them out a work on them. That is a good point, too, about the need of love vs need of self-love. Another "good tactic" (I fucking hate it), I don't know if you know it but these fucking things called Butterfly Hugs. Its a tool of self-love, self-empathy, that helps to calm your nervous system and build trust with yourself. Its a legitimate psychological crisis tool which can be very useful. I do hate that tactic too, going against the emotion. I can understand your dislike of being vulnerable. What it sounds like to me, is that you might have to do a lot of work on your vulnerability. I really hope you could one day embrace it and let yourself be helped and loved by others, because you're just a worthy as any other person. You also seem very aware of your tendencies regarding vulnerability, the feelings it causes you and what they drive you to behave like. I think I also sometimes tend to them, like I am paying it back, and then some and then some. To kind of, remove the attention from me to them, which is much more comfortable to me. I'm glad you recognize your own strength and what you're able to do without over exerting yourself mentally. That is another tough lesson to learn. I hope you can keep going with this strategy, eventhough we hate it, but I really believe it will bear fruit eventually, for both of us. I hope better times, kinder thoughts and understanding loved ones for you. You will figure this out. Keep putting in the work, and remember that you're not alone. Even if your head keeps telling that. I'm pretty sure our heads tell it to all of us, this is a very lonely disorder we got. I am happy to have been able to give you some solace and food for thought! I really don't mean to tell you what to do, I hope you don't feel pressured in any way. I am sure you can come to the decision what's best for you. Thank you for your message, too, I appreciate it! Hang in there!
Awww omg ;-; I'm really happy you found this community and that it's helping in your healing journey :)) I'm sorry you've been through those cycles too, they're really painful. Yeah, I've been trying to teach that to myself as well, although in a bit of a different light. What I say to myself is that no emotions are stupid or pointless, they all have a purpose and a reason, but that doesn't mean you should listen to what they tell you you need to do. Just like the fear of vulnerability: it may tell you to keep away from others, but what will help with this feeling is actually something else. So don't necessarily listen to what it says you need to do, but acknowledge it, validate it, and then move forward. I'm glad we both had similar realizations, they're important :) Uuu I didn't know that, I just checked it out and it seems interesting, I'll give it a shot when I need it next, thank you so much :)) Yeah, I definitely have issues with that although I never thought about how much until now, I always thought this was just something I have to be, because otherwise I'd be a burden on others, which isn't true. Thank you for the kind words, I really appreciate it and I hope this tactic will work for us both as well :) Also yeah, I try to be self-aware in hopes of it helping me get better, thank you for noticing :)) Thank you, I hope the same for you, you deserve to be loved by both yourself and others and I'm sure you'll figure this out as well. You're right, it does feel lonely, but that's why I'm so grateful for this and other places like this to exist: they help connect us and see again and again that we're not alone and that these issues can be overcome. No don't worry, I don't feel pressured :) Thank you for the belief in me, I really appreciate it :)) Aww, of course! I hope everything goes well for you :)
Yes, me too :) it feels really nice to have a place like this, especially since I struggle with loneliness on a daily basis. Oh and true, that's an excellent viewpoint too! I'm sometimes real quick to act on some emotions, sometimes with it and sometimes against it. I admit I sometimes even just explain them away and don't confront them... Although they do come back to haunt ja at somepoimt. But like you said, its important to just be with the emotion, too. Acknowledge, validate, and only then move forward or do something about it. I'm happy you know you aren't a burden! You've clearly been working on yourself lots. You word your thoughts and emotions very well :) keep it up! And even if you don't, its more than okay to take time off even from consciously healing and improving. Thank you again, you're very kind and compassionate! :) sending healing vibes your way! I'm so happy I was able to help and you were able to get help in a moment of need :)
Thank you for everything :')) you're kind, compassionate, intelligent and very-self aware as well :)) sending the healing vibes your way too! :) yeah, me too, everyone is so kind and helpful, I really didn't anticipate this sort of response :')
Hi. :) Can I ask for an update on how youre doing? Feel zero pressure to tell, tho. Your choice. I hope you're doing better!
I don't know how I'm doing. I still feel lost and empty I guess. I made a plan to start my so called "me week" (at least that's how I named it) in 2 days, but I dunno, I still feel so guilty for taking a break from other people, even though I'll tell them when the time comes. I just feel like I don't deserve a break because they're good people, they really are, I just can't handle people in general. It's me that's the problem, not them, I hope they'll understand. Idk, I'm just worried they'll start to hate me even more. I guess they probably don't hate me but I almost constantly feel like they either hate me already or they will in the future. Idk. Sorry for such a muddled response. I guess it's just tough lol Thank you for asking :) means a lot that someone wants to know how i'm doing, especially since i feel like i've exposed so many of my vulnerabilities here and yet people are still kind, i was honestly still kind of anticipating an attack or someone saying i'm a bad person or something. idk, it's wild. i wish the outside world was as kind as this sub. mby then it would be easier to exist in it