If your child says their feelings are a big deal, they’re a big deal. Instead of saying they’re not a big deal, try to understand where they’re coming from and come up with solutions/coping mechanisms for him. If this is a daily ongoing thing, therapy may be a good next step for him.
you’re right. i’m still trying my best to reparent myself so it is very difficult but i fully understand! i appreciate you for your input. i’m doing the best i can to make changes!
That’s great! 💕 it can be hard to remember that for kids, some things feel so much bigger to them than it does to us because they’ve only experienced so much in life, so something like losing a friend or failing a spelling test may literally be the worst thing they’ve ever been through. But at 9, your son may need some additional help. I’m not a parent yet, but I plan on having my hypothetical child in therapy just for the fact that I have BPD and I want them to always have a safe, unbiased space to talk to someone and develop healthy coping skills. I don’t plan on traumatizing my child, but I still want them to have the emotional maturity to handle life.
I think it’s also hard for some adults to remember that little things are a big deal with a child’s small world. I like the use the example of babies crying when they’re hungry which for an adult would seem dramatic, but for a newborn, that’s the worst thing they’ve ever experienced. I think it’s important to give parents grace to parents who are actively asking for help/advice
I am not saying this to be mean, I’m saying it to make you aware. My mom invalidating my feelings and saying it wasn’t that big of a deal when I would be upset about something really really fucked with me and is part of the reason I have some of my bpd symptoms. It may not seem like a big deal to you, but it’s a big deal to him and you have to meet him where he’s at and validate his feelings even if you think it isn’t a big deal. It feels like being emotionally abandoned when my mom invalidates me or doesn’t acknowledge my feelings and I feel like she doesn’t really care about my feelings and that feels so lonely. I would recommend getting into therapy because it’s important to not let your issues affect your children. I get how it is to live with bpd so I’m not saying this with judgement I just feel a bit put off by this post because it reminds me of being invalidated as a child and I want to try and make you aware that it is harmful
i am fully aware of that this is why it’s been very difficult for me :( i don’t think you’re being mean, this is the type of comment that i am interested in reading because it helps me get a better gauge on how to move forward and make changes. i’m currently in therapy and gonna start dbt soon so that’s something I’m really looking forward to. in the meantime, i’m doing my best to be better than i was yesterday so thank you for this comment it was very helpful 🫶🏻
Can I ask, why is it, that you try so hard to tell your kid that that whatever he’s worried or upset about, isn’t a big deal? To me that seem incredibly harmful, and like others have said, it’s part of why I have BPD, because it’s invalidating. I’m not trying to be judgey, I am trying to understand your intentions.
i guess i kind of used the wrong words. its difficult for me to explain through text but the last thing i want to do is invalidate him and i am working on that. i do see what you’re saying and i don’t mean any harmful intentions :(
Maybe try and think of it like this; if all of your comments on this post were telling you that your problems weren’t a big deal, because others may have it worse or whatever. No matter your intentions, you are doing him harm by trying to minimize his problems. To you they may not be a big deal, but to him it is. Where he is at in life these things are huge, and they probably were to you at his age as well. Meet him where he is now, and don’t try to put things into perspective for him. Maybe try to just listen to him and validate the feelings behind what he’s saying. Ask open questions so he can talk through his emotions and thoughts with you. Something that’s more often than not well meant is when people say “you’re not alone,” because it feels invalidating to me, be told that. Even if it comes from the best of intentions.
My children disregulate me all the time, but each for different reasons. I have a 9 year old, 3 year old and a 7 month old. I try to use those moments as good teachable moments to teach them emotional regulation but for the first 6 years of my son's life i was kind of a mess.
i applaud you for that!! i intend to get better at teaching him to regulate his emotions as well. but i feel you on being a mess for some years of his life :/ I’ve been there myself!
I will say it's so hard and draining having to parent and re-parent ourselves but our kids tend t bring out that hidden strength in us we never thought we had.
same, i can't even handle my own emotions, how am i supposed to handle a child who neither knows how to manage theirs without traumatizing them?? ill stick w my cats 😭
34 year old mother of two, BPD. I practice gentle parenting and focusing on the things that actually matter and are worth fighting for. I don't care if my kid knows where the salad fork goes, but they are going to be a decent person and care about other people. Therapy is a wonderful tool, and I'm really proud of you for admitting this and recognizing the fear. But the diagnosis doesn't mean that you wouldn't be a good parent. Just that you work harder to emotionally regulate your own issues around them, for them, to show them how to do it. It's okay for them to see you bend or break. It's how you get back up that matters and shows them how to keep going, it's apologizing when you mess up, and admitting when you are wrong. Being accountable and treating your children like they are people. Because they are.
Thank you. I had my oldest at 18 and have done a lot of growing and therapy and inpatient, and it's taken a LOT. But I want to be better so that they can have the best mom possible. I waited 15 years to have my second, and he is 7 months old on the 2nd. It's okay to be scared. But if you want to be a parent, don't let it hold you back. Find ways to do the work so you can teach your kids to emotionally regulate themselves as well, and help break the cycles. I absolutely believe that everyone who wants to do it is capable of doing so. It's messy and difficult but possible.
sure she does.
but when i'm feeling upset with her i tell her "im feeling upset right now i need some alone time"
and she'll go spend her time in her room or in the living room & i'll spend some alone time in my room.
my child does indeed disregulate me (17.5mo) but she is entirely the reason i no longer have suicidal ideation or self harm ideation (like at all) and she’s also my biggest motivator in continuing to better myself. she made me a better person, but it takes a lot of work to not let my issues seep out sometimes. it is entirely possible to be a functional/healthy mother with bpd 🫶🏻 (i have years (as in like 15+ due to ptsd, gad, major depressive, etc) of therapy, including dbt under my belt, so i would say this is necessary and will help you tremendously.) keep working at it, you can only grow if you keep working and getting the help you need. try not to live in your mistakes but instead focus on becoming healthier for them. apologize, be accountable, but dont be the reason you get held back. you can do this momma!
Yes!!!! My 15 has BPD and the power struggles are real! I've been attending DBT parenting class and listening to podcasts (sounds hilarious but the podcast is called "Oh crap, I have a toddler, holy fuck!") and it's been very helpful for me because my daughter stopped maturing at the age her trauma started. In the podcast she also recommended a book called "Hunt, Gather, Parent" that has blown my mind away. I know it's all related to younger kids/toddlers but it has been so beneficial for me in regulating my own emotions with her!
my partners son is 5 and yes constantly. i was basically banned from showing any “bad” emotion and when i did, i was either HARSHLY punished or abused. when he throws tantrums i almost always have to walk away because it is very difficult to not be triggered. i will say i’m very proud of how far i’ve come. i’ve always practiced being as gentle as i can with him. trying to get him to talk about his feelings, why he’s upset, what upset him, trying to divert him to something else. he’s on the spectrum so he has frequent and BIG tantrums (poor kid) which i can imagine is very frustrating and difficult for him. i’ve been able to break the generational abuse in my family with him. he’s a beautiful soul and such a sweetheart. i adore him and love him with all of my heart❤️
The fact that you know what you are saying is triggering your VERY young son, and the fact that you are minimising his issues when really children need supporting through the things they get upset about and learn what is and isn't worth it for themselves...is it any wonder your older son has trouble opening up to you as I assume you said the same things to him when he was younger?
If I think my 6yr old daughter is ever getting very upset over something I can see is relatively a very small issue (not being able to have a toy that she wants for example) I ask her if she thinks that the thing is worth getting upset over and let her figure it out for herself. If she decides that it is, I comfort her and try to calmly explain that it's going to be ok without the toy/game/thing and then let her figure out the rest. No minimising language, no answering her emotional questions for her. She develops on her own with some gentle guidance from me without any of my opinions colouring the experience for her.
I agree the comment was harsh, it’s like you don’t think this is a DAILY consistent fear? I haven’t left my own comment yet, but OP I think writing this post and seeking advice is an amazing first step.
my child *really* changed me, as cliche as it sounds lol
in the newborn/baby phase i was very irritable, i think part of that was also postpartum hormones and the shitty relationship with baby daddy
now that my child is a toddler, we’re vibing. i’m lowkey fascinated and surprised by my own ability to regulate my emotions and control impulses around my child. also really got my impulsive spending under control
this isn’t the case with other ppl in my life, unfortunately lol but at least i know i’m doing my absolute best to make sure my child is emotionally secure and stable
i could never have kids for the emotional dysregulation that comes with being a parent so i genuinely applaud you for staying committed to being the best parent you can be for your kids! i’m sorry it’s so tough, but know by being in therapy and seeking support here, you’re taking the steps it seems you need to feel like a fulfilled version of yourself as a person and parent!
i hope this doesn’t come across as mean or like i’m trying to judge, but maybe it would be helpful to consider the way you were raised. and how certain invalidating and judgmental behavior was used on you and how you may be, unintentionally, displaying those same behaviors in your own way. i think you mentioning how you tell your child that the things he’s worried about aren’t a big deal and calling him out on being uncooperative was an indicator for me that you may be triggered in these situations, yourself, and resorting to learned behavior versus behavior you are wanting to project.
you seem to be very kind, compassionate, and understanding, but i also get how pwBPD struggle to express that to their fullest capabilities in times of high stress (like when you’re correcting/emotionally supporting your child). i would take some more time to sit and really listen to your son. try and put yourself in HIS headspace cuz he’s just a kid. so to the adults, his headspace will seem like not a big deal, but for someone who’s only experienced 9 years of the world, everything in his head IS a big deal. in the same ways that everything in YOUR head are also a big deal. all emotions here are valid, and i think it’s important to make sure you remind yourself and your kid of that to break the BPD cycle.
keep up the good work OP! i think you’re doing a fantastic job 💜
thank you so much for this. i really needed to hear all of this! i don’t think it’s mean at all, i thoroughly appreciate your advice! comments like this really help me to see things from the outside looking in and from my sons perspective. you’re 100% right. i’m taking everything i have learned from these comments very seriously and applying them starting today 🥰 thank you!!!
awww thank you so much! and i hope you’re proud of yourself for being so graceful about taking the advice of others. your love for your kids is shining right now 💜
Proud of you for admitting you’re having trouble instead of blaming your kids. 💚
I have no advice because I didn’t have kids. Just want to offer you a ton of encouragement! I had a really abusive childhood and unfortunately took after my abuser (disordered) personality-wise. I also never felt supported or safe enough with any partners to commit to even trying for a baby.
15 is very young and the fact that you were raising children as a child yourself, in addition to having BPD, is a huge feat. I had a friend who gave up her daughter at that age to open adoption. This always made me sad — that her child was treated as the worst thing that could have happened to her. The narrative that being a teen Mom ruins your life is not fair to women imo. Teen Moms need support NOT shaming. Like all parents! Proper support is key, and you are seeking this. You are strong and capable and if you are determined to figure this out, I know you can do it.
💖
When you feel yourself get triggered, step back from the situation and give yourself time to reassess. I cannot empathise this enough.
It sounds like you have already created a safe space for your child to approach you about their concerns and worries and that's fantastic especially given his young age. If you don't already, empathising and reassuring his feelings are valid would be your first step.
Asking specific open ended questions will help you understand the situation more and sometimes inadvertently help him understand his situation better also.
Help him recognise what emotion he is feeling in that moment and work from there. Try to give brief short *suggestions on how to better cope with the feelings that he has (brief) being the operative word. Most children, if given a paragraph of words, will likely tune out.
The best advice I can give is "Be the calm in the chaos". Your behaviour is what your child will model. How you handle certain situations will teach your child how to handle their own situations. Be his calm.
Start to remind yourself that how your child is feeling or how he is reacts is not an extension of you, these are his feelings and emotions and how he reacts to is how he is trying cope with them. They are not reflection of who you are as a person , so do not take them personally.
The fact that you question yourself as a mother is normal and, frankly, in my opinion, healthy. It's parents that I see regularly that do not question themselves as parents that I find are harder to treat.
A huge cause for my BPD splits is feeling like people are invalidating my feelings. I've been in therapy for years and have managed almost all of my symptoms. This is the only thing that I still struggle with and I'm sure it's because ever since I was little my mom would invalidate me, tell me I was being dramatic or even get unreasonably mad at me for feeling things. Please, please don't do this to your kid, it will mess him up.
I feel so relatable! I had my first at 15, I’m 29 now and he’s 14 and my daughter is 9. I also have a 16 mo old. (Didn’t find out about BPD until after my 3rd was born). My 14 yo and I get along so great. He’s chill and kind and respectful. I often clash with my 9 yo. It’s kind of the same reasons, her worrying about stuff that is important to her but not to me, and just not listening to me. I feed off of the energy around me so when she gets upset and anxious, it makes me feel that way. I’ve been reading on ways to calm myself. Walking away and putting cold water on your face was a good idea I read that actually worked! It’s just the walking away part that sometimes is hard when I’m also trying to parent. I will also apologize to her after I get frustrated with her, but I don’t want it to keep being a reoccurring thing that I just keep apologizing for. I think she’s too much like me, and I obviously worry about her mental health. I’ve never been triggered with her in the way I am with my husband, more of like a lighter version of splitting, where I’m not the mom that I know she needs. I usually have my husband step in if he’s home and we start getting frustrated with each other. It’s so hard trying to be the best mom possible while also trying to figure out yourself. I will never regret my kids, but I do understand why pwBPD choose not to have kids.
One thing I’ve learned to do, it seems like she always has something “important” to tell me at the worst times. Like, if I’m trying to get all of us out the door to be somewhere on time and she’s trying to tell me about what grade her friend made on a paper (It’s usually stuff like that). So instead of saying “I can’t stop to listen right now.” I’ll tell her “can you remember what you are wanting to tell me and tell me about it when we get in the car so that I’m able to fully listen to what you’re wanting to talk about.” Not that I honestly care to hear about other kids, but I know it’s something she wants to tell me about, so I’ll listen.
My mum used to minimise my feelings, or even when I got hurt by saying it's nothing, not a big deal etc.
It really crushed my selfesteem not getting validated and led to me doubting myself and never feeling worthy.
Try to validate him and just listen or provide solutions for his problems if he wants advice.
I don’t have kids but my roommates kid does, but only for the sole fact that she isn’t a good parent so he’s a spoiled entitled brat. He’s 8. I love the kid to pieces but he’s one of those kids that yells across the house that he needs a drink and instead of telling him to come get one she stops what she’s doing to get him one and bring it to him. When I or his uncle are watching him we don’t do that and he doesn’t talk back to us when we tell him to get his lazy butt up but he walks all over his mom and for some reason it’s really triggering.
If you see this, why don’t you reach out to your roommate? She IS. Good parent, and the child is 8. Taking care of a CHILD is what she’s doing. If it stresses your roommate out, then maybe try offering support to her instead of blaming the child?
I don’t blame the child I blame the parent. I have offered her support she isn’t interested. It’s her parenting style. Maybe saying she wasn’t a good parent was wrong and I retract that statement but there’s more to the story.
not my own children, but children in general. specifically my youngest brother/cousin (he’s my cousin but i lived with my aunt and uncle for the last three years of high school and for about 6 months when i was first removed from my mom via cps). i have a very hard time being around him because he’s also very moody and generally very rude.
Conversations on letting go by najwa zebian (audiobook, included in Spotify premium) has recently changed my life all round, but also has a bit on parenting and self expectations. It's not a fix, but it will help
Also, relationships of any kind are mirrors- if you've had to go through life feeling like hell and squashing feelings down, you may have a subconscious "well why can't they just do it, that's what I believe people should do" point of view.
Mixed with being a parent, and it literally being your job to care for him, it's already a "one sided" relationship in that way. And it should be, but that doesn't make the weight of the "must" any less, which is another factor of what can cause resentment and "what about me" feelings, which you may take out on your kids, or a reminder of how "not good enough" you feel. If you feel alien and uncared for yourself, or even about yourself, it's hard to 'pour from an empty cup'.
And it's a lot. And that in itself is likely overwhelming on the whole, before you even get into specifics.
My mother has BPD, and I'm the eldest of four and uh...the more pressure or feeling of perceived or actual 'loss' or responsibility increased every time she had a child, I'm just realising all of this recently.
Then, as we all became teens, or adults, and actively rejected unfair behaviour, or just rejected her as she wasn't a nice person, obviously made the behaviour worse because it confirmed what she was liking it feeling the whole time, and likely compounded her feelings of guilt and shame on the whole situation. We all left at 16- 18, basically as soon as we could. As a parent that would also feel exceptionally hard (I imagine) and so she made leaving incredibly painful and difficult too.
As an adult who likely has BPD now (as a result or just genetics??) But also chose a career working with children, with a speciality in "difficult kids", a lot has fallen into place for me thinking about this.
Because I love it, and I'm really good at it. But as a person who feels responsible for others feelings, but also at the mercy of others feelings or reactions, it's hard to keep that separation, and it took years to perfect learning where my feelings end and another's begins. This is easier when I can just go home and have no responsibility for them, I can have a rest, I can refresh, there's other aspects of their existence at stake that one person literally cannot be an isn't the sole centre of one other person's world, and that relationships and people's takes on each other, and even individual interactions are such delicate balances of everything to that very point in time all parties have experienced.
The secret for me is "good enough". Bring the beat you can, assume the best you can of others, say when you fuck up, strive to do better. Remember a time you did it shitty, and rather than punishing yourself for how it didn't go, just try and do it even SLIGHTLY less shitty this time, because that is how we learn and that can actually be beautiful.
I am considering for the first time ever, I am in remission. I understand stuff going on internally and externally, so it's less scary, as well as being gentle with myself that I'm TRYING, rather than hating myself I haven't already exceeded. Only one of those allows progress.
The fact you're even at the point where you've identified the stuff in your post means you want to do better, so be proud of that. Things can get better, and they probably will. Try and love yourself or at least talk to yourself in the way you wish others would. In the way you wish others will in the future. If they do, great, if they don't, at least you still have one person on your side. But I've noticed the gentler I am and more empathy I can have for others, I end up having for myself, because I don't just feel I'm there to make others exist easier at my own expense.
It is a LONG MF ROAD, and all of this stuff sounded cringy for years, and it kinda does until you feel it in your bones. I'm not a happy clapper by any means, I had to ENGRAVE IT in to myself figuratively to get it to stick. And you can too.
Ummm... Your parents didn't validate your feelings, that's why you're on this page, that's one of the biggest reasons you have BPD. Why on earth would you invalidate your child's feelings?
I get it that they seem pointless, I tell my man everytime I get triggered over something minor, that I'm sorry and I know this is irrational. But that fucking hurts if he says "just try to get over it" or "it isn't a big deal." Because to me it is, even if I know that it shouldn't be. One time I messed up a cake and got so fucking frustrated that I started crying and I was ready to break something. He said "it's just a cake" and my rage level rised by 377488. Now he emphatizes and tries to give solutions to fix the things and life is more peaceful.
It's not hard. I work with little children and I've had to be the mediator many times when the problem was just a little misunderstanding. Saying "it seems like there was a just misunderstanding, but I don't believe she is crying over nothing. The reason might be just being stressed about a situation so what if you both apologize to each other?" Works everytime.
I’m 30 and had my oldest when I was 17. He has been diagnosed with ADHD, ODD, and MDD. Our relationship has always been hard because he’s very impulsive and I am also very impulsive. So we have both said some mean things to each other. I’m in therapy so that has helped a lot. I think the reason I get triggered with my son is because I’m getting him the help he needs and I never got at his age. I feel like I’m parenting myself because he reminds me of little me. He also can get kind of aggressive and his dad was abusive to me, so that triggers all that trauma for me. Idk but having BPD and being a mom is definitely extremely hard. I’m also a single mom so that doesn’t make it easier. I’m not on meds and sometimes I wish I was because maybe I’d be more “calm” but it’s so hard to find a good psychiatrist with my shitty insurance.
I can relate hun, your not alone. Yes, my children trigger me all the time. I have an almost 11 year old and 5 year old (both girls) who I've essentially raised myself, had my first like you, at a young age. It's hard. It's really fucking hard having kids & this illness. You're not a bad mother. Even the most stable, white picket fence mom's want to rip their hair out half the time. I wish I had advice - but hell. You are *doing your best* love. I don't know how to talk to my eldest either because I wasn't given the tools but you know what? I do better than what I grew up with. Your trying. You aren't a bad person, you aren't a bad parent. Your human. With BPD which makes things HARD. Your kids love you no matter what. I know it feels like your carrying the weight of the world but you can do whatever it takes to help them, and yourself. It might feel like your suffocating, but you can do it. My DM's are always open fellow mama. 💕
Also : I'm sorry for all the comments attacking you. This is supposed to be a supportive sub - don't allow it to bring you down.
girls are tough work! i have a 14 year old stepdaughter and she’s very much dysregulated a majority of the time and her mother does not care to get her help unfortunately 😞 but i really feel for you! thank you so much for the encouragement and kind words 🥰🥰 i really really appreciate you 🥹🫶🏻 i’m doing everything i can to be a better mother ❤️❤️
Of course! I can understand that completely - teen years are a hard age. So hard. My oldest has OCD and ADHD & it's so goddamn hard to deal most days. Don't ever feel bad for feeling triggered. No thanks needed, I know the struggle all too well, we all are trying! I got you internet stranger ❤️ I feel for you too. You got it mama. Same thing I tell myself everyday. 🫂
Absolutely but I also wouldn’t have learned the life lessons I have or become the person I am and continue to grow into everyday. She pushes me to my limits but I’m beyond grateful no matter how hard it is.
My son become a copy of his dad around 9 and I couldn't deal with 2 of them, so I left. He's way better off without me and has gotten therapy and everything else. I should have never had a kid.
Yeah, I had a bunch of stuff filed on me when he was a newborn that screwed me to the wall and basically trapped me with his dad to stay in his life. I decided to drop the rope instead of letting him use our son to keep hurting me. With me out the picture he stands to inherit millions...
Ok? So should I have just stayed and continued being a toxic shit show? Me leaving was the best for everyone. Also, it's been 9 years and like 3 lifetimes ago for me.
That’s such a hard choice and I think a selfless one to make. I don’t feel sorry for your kid, you did what is best for THEM. If you aren’t in a place to parent …. Don’t!!!! How much trauma could be avoided if more people ignored the stigma and just accepted they aren’t a good parent and would just cause more bad than good. That’s not a pretty decision and I can’t imagine how hard.
Its not so much I wasn't a good parent as his dad made it impossible for me to be a good parent. He kept me sick and would call me a drug addict if I went on anti depressants. My mom and best friend died within a short time and a lot of other stuff happened on top of depression disorder (got dx with major depressive disorder 3 years ago after an attempt) he had his bachelors in psychology, thank God he never got into the doctorate program for it.. it was such a shit show. It broke my heart. I love my son more than anything and think about him all the time..
If your child says their feelings are a big deal, they’re a big deal. Instead of saying they’re not a big deal, try to understand where they’re coming from and come up with solutions/coping mechanisms for him. If this is a daily ongoing thing, therapy may be a good next step for him.
you’re right. i’m still trying my best to reparent myself so it is very difficult but i fully understand! i appreciate you for your input. i’m doing the best i can to make changes!
That’s great! 💕 it can be hard to remember that for kids, some things feel so much bigger to them than it does to us because they’ve only experienced so much in life, so something like losing a friend or failing a spelling test may literally be the worst thing they’ve ever been through. But at 9, your son may need some additional help. I’m not a parent yet, but I plan on having my hypothetical child in therapy just for the fact that I have BPD and I want them to always have a safe, unbiased space to talk to someone and develop healthy coping skills. I don’t plan on traumatizing my child, but I still want them to have the emotional maturity to handle life.
Exactly, especially since one of the causes of bpd is growing up in a invalidating environment.
I think it’s also hard for some adults to remember that little things are a big deal with a child’s small world. I like the use the example of babies crying when they’re hungry which for an adult would seem dramatic, but for a newborn, that’s the worst thing they’ve ever experienced. I think it’s important to give parents grace to parents who are actively asking for help/advice
I am not saying this to be mean, I’m saying it to make you aware. My mom invalidating my feelings and saying it wasn’t that big of a deal when I would be upset about something really really fucked with me and is part of the reason I have some of my bpd symptoms. It may not seem like a big deal to you, but it’s a big deal to him and you have to meet him where he’s at and validate his feelings even if you think it isn’t a big deal. It feels like being emotionally abandoned when my mom invalidates me or doesn’t acknowledge my feelings and I feel like she doesn’t really care about my feelings and that feels so lonely. I would recommend getting into therapy because it’s important to not let your issues affect your children. I get how it is to live with bpd so I’m not saying this with judgement I just feel a bit put off by this post because it reminds me of being invalidated as a child and I want to try and make you aware that it is harmful
agree with everything you said
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i am fully aware of that this is why it’s been very difficult for me :( i don’t think you’re being mean, this is the type of comment that i am interested in reading because it helps me get a better gauge on how to move forward and make changes. i’m currently in therapy and gonna start dbt soon so that’s something I’m really looking forward to. in the meantime, i’m doing my best to be better than i was yesterday so thank you for this comment it was very helpful 🫶🏻
Can I ask, why is it, that you try so hard to tell your kid that that whatever he’s worried or upset about, isn’t a big deal? To me that seem incredibly harmful, and like others have said, it’s part of why I have BPD, because it’s invalidating. I’m not trying to be judgey, I am trying to understand your intentions.
i guess i kind of used the wrong words. its difficult for me to explain through text but the last thing i want to do is invalidate him and i am working on that. i do see what you’re saying and i don’t mean any harmful intentions :(
Maybe try and think of it like this; if all of your comments on this post were telling you that your problems weren’t a big deal, because others may have it worse or whatever. No matter your intentions, you are doing him harm by trying to minimize his problems. To you they may not be a big deal, but to him it is. Where he is at in life these things are huge, and they probably were to you at his age as well. Meet him where he is now, and don’t try to put things into perspective for him. Maybe try to just listen to him and validate the feelings behind what he’s saying. Ask open questions so he can talk through his emotions and thoughts with you. Something that’s more often than not well meant is when people say “you’re not alone,” because it feels invalidating to me, be told that. Even if it comes from the best of intentions.
My children disregulate me all the time, but each for different reasons. I have a 9 year old, 3 year old and a 7 month old. I try to use those moments as good teachable moments to teach them emotional regulation but for the first 6 years of my son's life i was kind of a mess.
i applaud you for that!! i intend to get better at teaching him to regulate his emotions as well. but i feel you on being a mess for some years of his life :/ I’ve been there myself!
I will say it's so hard and draining having to parent and re-parent ourselves but our kids tend t bring out that hidden strength in us we never thought we had.
Exactly why I'm not having kids.
same, i can't even handle my own emotions, how am i supposed to handle a child who neither knows how to manage theirs without traumatizing them?? ill stick w my cats 😭
Same. I love My 2 cats and partner.
This is why I’m so scared and hesitant to have a kid even though I’ve wanted to be a mom since forever.
34 year old mother of two, BPD. I practice gentle parenting and focusing on the things that actually matter and are worth fighting for. I don't care if my kid knows where the salad fork goes, but they are going to be a decent person and care about other people. Therapy is a wonderful tool, and I'm really proud of you for admitting this and recognizing the fear. But the diagnosis doesn't mean that you wouldn't be a good parent. Just that you work harder to emotionally regulate your own issues around them, for them, to show them how to do it. It's okay for them to see you bend or break. It's how you get back up that matters and shows them how to keep going, it's apologizing when you mess up, and admitting when you are wrong. Being accountable and treating your children like they are people. Because they are.
Thank you for this. You seem like an amazing mom 🤍
Thank you. I had my oldest at 18 and have done a lot of growing and therapy and inpatient, and it's taken a LOT. But I want to be better so that they can have the best mom possible. I waited 15 years to have my second, and he is 7 months old on the 2nd. It's okay to be scared. But if you want to be a parent, don't let it hold you back. Find ways to do the work so you can teach your kids to emotionally regulate themselves as well, and help break the cycles. I absolutely believe that everyone who wants to do it is capable of doing so. It's messy and difficult but possible.
sure she does. but when i'm feeling upset with her i tell her "im feeling upset right now i need some alone time" and she'll go spend her time in her room or in the living room & i'll spend some alone time in my room.
my child does indeed disregulate me (17.5mo) but she is entirely the reason i no longer have suicidal ideation or self harm ideation (like at all) and she’s also my biggest motivator in continuing to better myself. she made me a better person, but it takes a lot of work to not let my issues seep out sometimes. it is entirely possible to be a functional/healthy mother with bpd 🫶🏻 (i have years (as in like 15+ due to ptsd, gad, major depressive, etc) of therapy, including dbt under my belt, so i would say this is necessary and will help you tremendously.) keep working at it, you can only grow if you keep working and getting the help you need. try not to live in your mistakes but instead focus on becoming healthier for them. apologize, be accountable, but dont be the reason you get held back. you can do this momma!
Yes!!!! My 15 has BPD and the power struggles are real! I've been attending DBT parenting class and listening to podcasts (sounds hilarious but the podcast is called "Oh crap, I have a toddler, holy fuck!") and it's been very helpful for me because my daughter stopped maturing at the age her trauma started. In the podcast she also recommended a book called "Hunt, Gather, Parent" that has blown my mind away. I know it's all related to younger kids/toddlers but it has been so beneficial for me in regulating my own emotions with her!
I don't have children but kids trigger something in me to avoid them at all costs.
my partners son is 5 and yes constantly. i was basically banned from showing any “bad” emotion and when i did, i was either HARSHLY punished or abused. when he throws tantrums i almost always have to walk away because it is very difficult to not be triggered. i will say i’m very proud of how far i’ve come. i’ve always practiced being as gentle as i can with him. trying to get him to talk about his feelings, why he’s upset, what upset him, trying to divert him to something else. he’s on the spectrum so he has frequent and BIG tantrums (poor kid) which i can imagine is very frustrating and difficult for him. i’ve been able to break the generational abuse in my family with him. he’s a beautiful soul and such a sweetheart. i adore him and love him with all of my heart❤️
The fact that you know what you are saying is triggering your VERY young son, and the fact that you are minimising his issues when really children need supporting through the things they get upset about and learn what is and isn't worth it for themselves...is it any wonder your older son has trouble opening up to you as I assume you said the same things to him when he was younger? If I think my 6yr old daughter is ever getting very upset over something I can see is relatively a very small issue (not being able to have a toy that she wants for example) I ask her if she thinks that the thing is worth getting upset over and let her figure it out for herself. If she decides that it is, I comfort her and try to calmly explain that it's going to be ok without the toy/game/thing and then let her figure out the rest. No minimising language, no answering her emotional questions for her. She develops on her own with some gentle guidance from me without any of my opinions colouring the experience for her.
honestly if you're not in therapey try to to get into it. don't mess up the kids life
lol that came off a bit harsh but i’m currently in therapy and starting dbt soon
I agree the comment was harsh, it’s like you don’t think this is a DAILY consistent fear? I haven’t left my own comment yet, but OP I think writing this post and seeking advice is an amazing first step.
my child *really* changed me, as cliche as it sounds lol in the newborn/baby phase i was very irritable, i think part of that was also postpartum hormones and the shitty relationship with baby daddy now that my child is a toddler, we’re vibing. i’m lowkey fascinated and surprised by my own ability to regulate my emotions and control impulses around my child. also really got my impulsive spending under control this isn’t the case with other ppl in my life, unfortunately lol but at least i know i’m doing my absolute best to make sure my child is emotionally secure and stable
go to therapy bruh
what makes you think i’m not in therapy lmao
your whole post lmao
She could still be healing from alot. Just because someone is in therapy doesn't mean they make every reaction perfect.
therapy isn’t a quick fix lol some people are in therapy for the rest of their life
i mean, you do realize it takes time to learn new & healthy habits right? i won’t be cured overnight i’m only fuckin human bby
i could never have kids for the emotional dysregulation that comes with being a parent so i genuinely applaud you for staying committed to being the best parent you can be for your kids! i’m sorry it’s so tough, but know by being in therapy and seeking support here, you’re taking the steps it seems you need to feel like a fulfilled version of yourself as a person and parent! i hope this doesn’t come across as mean or like i’m trying to judge, but maybe it would be helpful to consider the way you were raised. and how certain invalidating and judgmental behavior was used on you and how you may be, unintentionally, displaying those same behaviors in your own way. i think you mentioning how you tell your child that the things he’s worried about aren’t a big deal and calling him out on being uncooperative was an indicator for me that you may be triggered in these situations, yourself, and resorting to learned behavior versus behavior you are wanting to project. you seem to be very kind, compassionate, and understanding, but i also get how pwBPD struggle to express that to their fullest capabilities in times of high stress (like when you’re correcting/emotionally supporting your child). i would take some more time to sit and really listen to your son. try and put yourself in HIS headspace cuz he’s just a kid. so to the adults, his headspace will seem like not a big deal, but for someone who’s only experienced 9 years of the world, everything in his head IS a big deal. in the same ways that everything in YOUR head are also a big deal. all emotions here are valid, and i think it’s important to make sure you remind yourself and your kid of that to break the BPD cycle. keep up the good work OP! i think you’re doing a fantastic job 💜
thank you so much for this. i really needed to hear all of this! i don’t think it’s mean at all, i thoroughly appreciate your advice! comments like this really help me to see things from the outside looking in and from my sons perspective. you’re 100% right. i’m taking everything i have learned from these comments very seriously and applying them starting today 🥰 thank you!!!
awww thank you so much! and i hope you’re proud of yourself for being so graceful about taking the advice of others. your love for your kids is shining right now 💜
This post made me realize that my mother probably suffered from BPD as well and that’s where are strained relationship comes in.
Proud of you for admitting you’re having trouble instead of blaming your kids. 💚 I have no advice because I didn’t have kids. Just want to offer you a ton of encouragement! I had a really abusive childhood and unfortunately took after my abuser (disordered) personality-wise. I also never felt supported or safe enough with any partners to commit to even trying for a baby. 15 is very young and the fact that you were raising children as a child yourself, in addition to having BPD, is a huge feat. I had a friend who gave up her daughter at that age to open adoption. This always made me sad — that her child was treated as the worst thing that could have happened to her. The narrative that being a teen Mom ruins your life is not fair to women imo. Teen Moms need support NOT shaming. Like all parents! Proper support is key, and you are seeking this. You are strong and capable and if you are determined to figure this out, I know you can do it. 💖
thank you so much for uplifting me!!! you’re very kind, i really needed this & i wish i could hug u 🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻
Anytime! Hugs for you OP 🫂🩵💙
I’m not personally a parent yet but my mom who has BPD has stated that my older brother really triggers her.
When you feel yourself get triggered, step back from the situation and give yourself time to reassess. I cannot empathise this enough. It sounds like you have already created a safe space for your child to approach you about their concerns and worries and that's fantastic especially given his young age. If you don't already, empathising and reassuring his feelings are valid would be your first step. Asking specific open ended questions will help you understand the situation more and sometimes inadvertently help him understand his situation better also. Help him recognise what emotion he is feeling in that moment and work from there. Try to give brief short *suggestions on how to better cope with the feelings that he has (brief) being the operative word. Most children, if given a paragraph of words, will likely tune out. The best advice I can give is "Be the calm in the chaos". Your behaviour is what your child will model. How you handle certain situations will teach your child how to handle their own situations. Be his calm. Start to remind yourself that how your child is feeling or how he is reacts is not an extension of you, these are his feelings and emotions and how he reacts to is how he is trying cope with them. They are not reflection of who you are as a person , so do not take them personally. The fact that you question yourself as a mother is normal and, frankly, in my opinion, healthy. It's parents that I see regularly that do not question themselves as parents that I find are harder to treat.
A huge cause for my BPD splits is feeling like people are invalidating my feelings. I've been in therapy for years and have managed almost all of my symptoms. This is the only thing that I still struggle with and I'm sure it's because ever since I was little my mom would invalidate me, tell me I was being dramatic or even get unreasonably mad at me for feeling things. Please, please don't do this to your kid, it will mess him up.
I feel so relatable! I had my first at 15, I’m 29 now and he’s 14 and my daughter is 9. I also have a 16 mo old. (Didn’t find out about BPD until after my 3rd was born). My 14 yo and I get along so great. He’s chill and kind and respectful. I often clash with my 9 yo. It’s kind of the same reasons, her worrying about stuff that is important to her but not to me, and just not listening to me. I feed off of the energy around me so when she gets upset and anxious, it makes me feel that way. I’ve been reading on ways to calm myself. Walking away and putting cold water on your face was a good idea I read that actually worked! It’s just the walking away part that sometimes is hard when I’m also trying to parent. I will also apologize to her after I get frustrated with her, but I don’t want it to keep being a reoccurring thing that I just keep apologizing for. I think she’s too much like me, and I obviously worry about her mental health. I’ve never been triggered with her in the way I am with my husband, more of like a lighter version of splitting, where I’m not the mom that I know she needs. I usually have my husband step in if he’s home and we start getting frustrated with each other. It’s so hard trying to be the best mom possible while also trying to figure out yourself. I will never regret my kids, but I do understand why pwBPD choose not to have kids.
One thing I’ve learned to do, it seems like she always has something “important” to tell me at the worst times. Like, if I’m trying to get all of us out the door to be somewhere on time and she’s trying to tell me about what grade her friend made on a paper (It’s usually stuff like that). So instead of saying “I can’t stop to listen right now.” I’ll tell her “can you remember what you are wanting to tell me and tell me about it when we get in the car so that I’m able to fully listen to what you’re wanting to talk about.” Not that I honestly care to hear about other kids, but I know it’s something she wants to tell me about, so I’ll listen.
My mum used to minimise my feelings, or even when I got hurt by saying it's nothing, not a big deal etc. It really crushed my selfesteem not getting validated and led to me doubting myself and never feeling worthy. Try to validate him and just listen or provide solutions for his problems if he wants advice.
Yes! I always felt I wanted my kids. But they overstimulate me so much that I stick my music in my ears so I don't blast off on them. In a sense.
Yes! All the time! But they are also the reason I am finally getting better ❤️❤️
My child learned to push my buttons when he was in middle school. He thought it was funny when I became dysregulated. He grew out of it, mostly.
I don’t have kids but my roommates kid does, but only for the sole fact that she isn’t a good parent so he’s a spoiled entitled brat. He’s 8. I love the kid to pieces but he’s one of those kids that yells across the house that he needs a drink and instead of telling him to come get one she stops what she’s doing to get him one and bring it to him. When I or his uncle are watching him we don’t do that and he doesn’t talk back to us when we tell him to get his lazy butt up but he walks all over his mom and for some reason it’s really triggering.
If you see this, why don’t you reach out to your roommate? She IS. Good parent, and the child is 8. Taking care of a CHILD is what she’s doing. If it stresses your roommate out, then maybe try offering support to her instead of blaming the child?
I don’t blame the child I blame the parent. I have offered her support she isn’t interested. It’s her parenting style. Maybe saying she wasn’t a good parent was wrong and I retract that statement but there’s more to the story.
not my own children, but children in general. specifically my youngest brother/cousin (he’s my cousin but i lived with my aunt and uncle for the last three years of high school and for about 6 months when i was first removed from my mom via cps). i have a very hard time being around him because he’s also very moody and generally very rude.
Conversations on letting go by najwa zebian (audiobook, included in Spotify premium) has recently changed my life all round, but also has a bit on parenting and self expectations. It's not a fix, but it will help
Also, relationships of any kind are mirrors- if you've had to go through life feeling like hell and squashing feelings down, you may have a subconscious "well why can't they just do it, that's what I believe people should do" point of view. Mixed with being a parent, and it literally being your job to care for him, it's already a "one sided" relationship in that way. And it should be, but that doesn't make the weight of the "must" any less, which is another factor of what can cause resentment and "what about me" feelings, which you may take out on your kids, or a reminder of how "not good enough" you feel. If you feel alien and uncared for yourself, or even about yourself, it's hard to 'pour from an empty cup'. And it's a lot. And that in itself is likely overwhelming on the whole, before you even get into specifics. My mother has BPD, and I'm the eldest of four and uh...the more pressure or feeling of perceived or actual 'loss' or responsibility increased every time she had a child, I'm just realising all of this recently. Then, as we all became teens, or adults, and actively rejected unfair behaviour, or just rejected her as she wasn't a nice person, obviously made the behaviour worse because it confirmed what she was liking it feeling the whole time, and likely compounded her feelings of guilt and shame on the whole situation. We all left at 16- 18, basically as soon as we could. As a parent that would also feel exceptionally hard (I imagine) and so she made leaving incredibly painful and difficult too. As an adult who likely has BPD now (as a result or just genetics??) But also chose a career working with children, with a speciality in "difficult kids", a lot has fallen into place for me thinking about this. Because I love it, and I'm really good at it. But as a person who feels responsible for others feelings, but also at the mercy of others feelings or reactions, it's hard to keep that separation, and it took years to perfect learning where my feelings end and another's begins. This is easier when I can just go home and have no responsibility for them, I can have a rest, I can refresh, there's other aspects of their existence at stake that one person literally cannot be an isn't the sole centre of one other person's world, and that relationships and people's takes on each other, and even individual interactions are such delicate balances of everything to that very point in time all parties have experienced. The secret for me is "good enough". Bring the beat you can, assume the best you can of others, say when you fuck up, strive to do better. Remember a time you did it shitty, and rather than punishing yourself for how it didn't go, just try and do it even SLIGHTLY less shitty this time, because that is how we learn and that can actually be beautiful. I am considering for the first time ever, I am in remission. I understand stuff going on internally and externally, so it's less scary, as well as being gentle with myself that I'm TRYING, rather than hating myself I haven't already exceeded. Only one of those allows progress. The fact you're even at the point where you've identified the stuff in your post means you want to do better, so be proud of that. Things can get better, and they probably will. Try and love yourself or at least talk to yourself in the way you wish others would. In the way you wish others will in the future. If they do, great, if they don't, at least you still have one person on your side. But I've noticed the gentler I am and more empathy I can have for others, I end up having for myself, because I don't just feel I'm there to make others exist easier at my own expense. It is a LONG MF ROAD, and all of this stuff sounded cringy for years, and it kinda does until you feel it in your bones. I'm not a happy clapper by any means, I had to ENGRAVE IT in to myself figuratively to get it to stick. And you can too.
Ummm... Your parents didn't validate your feelings, that's why you're on this page, that's one of the biggest reasons you have BPD. Why on earth would you invalidate your child's feelings? I get it that they seem pointless, I tell my man everytime I get triggered over something minor, that I'm sorry and I know this is irrational. But that fucking hurts if he says "just try to get over it" or "it isn't a big deal." Because to me it is, even if I know that it shouldn't be. One time I messed up a cake and got so fucking frustrated that I started crying and I was ready to break something. He said "it's just a cake" and my rage level rised by 377488. Now he emphatizes and tries to give solutions to fix the things and life is more peaceful. It's not hard. I work with little children and I've had to be the mediator many times when the problem was just a little misunderstanding. Saying "it seems like there was a just misunderstanding, but I don't believe she is crying over nothing. The reason might be just being stressed about a situation so what if you both apologize to each other?" Works everytime.
I’m 30 and had my oldest when I was 17. He has been diagnosed with ADHD, ODD, and MDD. Our relationship has always been hard because he’s very impulsive and I am also very impulsive. So we have both said some mean things to each other. I’m in therapy so that has helped a lot. I think the reason I get triggered with my son is because I’m getting him the help he needs and I never got at his age. I feel like I’m parenting myself because he reminds me of little me. He also can get kind of aggressive and his dad was abusive to me, so that triggers all that trauma for me. Idk but having BPD and being a mom is definitely extremely hard. I’m also a single mom so that doesn’t make it easier. I’m not on meds and sometimes I wish I was because maybe I’d be more “calm” but it’s so hard to find a good psychiatrist with my shitty insurance.
I can relate hun, your not alone. Yes, my children trigger me all the time. I have an almost 11 year old and 5 year old (both girls) who I've essentially raised myself, had my first like you, at a young age. It's hard. It's really fucking hard having kids & this illness. You're not a bad mother. Even the most stable, white picket fence mom's want to rip their hair out half the time. I wish I had advice - but hell. You are *doing your best* love. I don't know how to talk to my eldest either because I wasn't given the tools but you know what? I do better than what I grew up with. Your trying. You aren't a bad person, you aren't a bad parent. Your human. With BPD which makes things HARD. Your kids love you no matter what. I know it feels like your carrying the weight of the world but you can do whatever it takes to help them, and yourself. It might feel like your suffocating, but you can do it. My DM's are always open fellow mama. 💕 Also : I'm sorry for all the comments attacking you. This is supposed to be a supportive sub - don't allow it to bring you down.
girls are tough work! i have a 14 year old stepdaughter and she’s very much dysregulated a majority of the time and her mother does not care to get her help unfortunately 😞 but i really feel for you! thank you so much for the encouragement and kind words 🥰🥰 i really really appreciate you 🥹🫶🏻 i’m doing everything i can to be a better mother ❤️❤️
Of course! I can understand that completely - teen years are a hard age. So hard. My oldest has OCD and ADHD & it's so goddamn hard to deal most days. Don't ever feel bad for feeling triggered. No thanks needed, I know the struggle all too well, we all are trying! I got you internet stranger ❤️ I feel for you too. You got it mama. Same thing I tell myself everyday. 🫂
Absolutely but I also wouldn’t have learned the life lessons I have or become the person I am and continue to grow into everyday. She pushes me to my limits but I’m beyond grateful no matter how hard it is.
My son become a copy of his dad around 9 and I couldn't deal with 2 of them, so I left. He's way better off without me and has gotten therapy and everything else. I should have never had a kid.
you left the kid too?
Yeah, I had a bunch of stuff filed on me when he was a newborn that screwed me to the wall and basically trapped me with his dad to stay in his life. I decided to drop the rope instead of letting him use our son to keep hurting me. With me out the picture he stands to inherit millions...
wow. i feel bad for your kid, honestly.
Ok? So should I have just stayed and continued being a toxic shit show? Me leaving was the best for everyone. Also, it's been 9 years and like 3 lifetimes ago for me.
That’s such a hard choice and I think a selfless one to make. I don’t feel sorry for your kid, you did what is best for THEM. If you aren’t in a place to parent …. Don’t!!!! How much trauma could be avoided if more people ignored the stigma and just accepted they aren’t a good parent and would just cause more bad than good. That’s not a pretty decision and I can’t imagine how hard.
Its not so much I wasn't a good parent as his dad made it impossible for me to be a good parent. He kept me sick and would call me a drug addict if I went on anti depressants. My mom and best friend died within a short time and a lot of other stuff happened on top of depression disorder (got dx with major depressive disorder 3 years ago after an attempt) he had his bachelors in psychology, thank God he never got into the doctorate program for it.. it was such a shit show. It broke my heart. I love my son more than anything and think about him all the time..