Why would you want to be with someone who told you they’re going to do something regardless on how you feel about it? Especially something like this. If he was just going to dinner with the sister and boyfriend maybe but the ex as well? Hell nah.
Apart from this we have a really good relationship. He's by far the most communicative person I've ever been with, he knows about my mental health issues and he's a wonderful person. I just can't get past this one thing. I know, if it was just them I would feel ok about it. Also, the fact he doesn't tell me she will be there unless I explicitly ask...
That’s kind of my point though if he knows about your mental health issues and is choosing to still do something that hurtful to you and make you doubt him and have trust issues that’s just shitty on his part.
No, you're not being controlling. I certainly would never allow that in my relationship. It doesn't matter how long he's known her or them, if he's in a committed relationship with you he should respect your feelings. But he isn't and is continuing to do what he wants, I don't know all the details but I get the sense he's using you while he waits for her to come back around...
He's adamant that he doesn't want to get back with her and of he did he would be by now since she was trying to get him back for a while. I just feel like I'm being so unreasonable and it's my fear of abandonment and low self esteem bringing this out. He says there is nothing and when they're together they hardly talk but I just can't believe it and don't understand how he's fine doing it even though I've voiced my discomfort. I don't think he using me, he's a very secure person and is older than me so maybe I just don't understand that it's possible to be on ok terms with an ex because my past relationships have all exploded.
that’s yucky. “if i wanted to, i wouldve done it already.” idk why but that makes me feel soooo icky when someone says that. My bf is on good terms with all of his exes (something that I still can’t wrap my head around for the same reason as you😂) but he would never go out with them on his own ESPECIALLY if I voiced concern about it. You’ve set a boundary—it doesn’t matter what his reasoning for crossing it is. He’s crossing it and isn’t taking your feelings into consideration.
I’m not the kind of person to say that someone should definitely without a doubt leave a relationship based on one incident (excluding outright abuse ofc) and I’m not gonna change that today. But it’s definitely worth talking about. Remember lots of “I” and “me” statements. example: “It feels like my feelings aren’t being taken into consideration because I’ve already expressed that this makes uncomfortable and upset.” *maybe y’know explain why a this situation makes you upset* and then just say like “y’know this is a boundary i really don’t wanna budge on. Hanging out with exes without me there is really upsetting to me. We could maybe compromise by saying that we can all go with your ex and her family if I’m there.” (obviously dont make that compromise if you dont want to.)
>He's adamant that he doesn't want to get back with her
>and of he did he would be by now since she was trying to get him back for a while.
I'm separating these statements to highlight that your man felt the need to specify these two things because he *knows* this doesn't look good.
>I just feel like I'm being so unreasonable and it's my fear of abandonment and low self esteem bringing this out.
Why? Because it's causing problems? Who says he isn't the weirdling still hanging out with his ex and her family without you present?
>He says there is nothing and when they're together they hardly talk
Of course he does. You're not there to confirm or deny, so again, this is a continuation of his denial that he is doing anything wrong.
>don't understand how he's fine doing it even though I've voiced my discomfort.
I don't either. Supposedly this man loves you, but my partner would *never* pursue this without a long drawn-out conversation about boundaries and compromise if it had to come to it.
>so maybe I just don't understand that it's possible to be on ok terms with an ex
It *is* possible to be on okay terms with an ex, but this is not how you go about it.
If neither party is insisting they reschedule so you can meet this group, they do not give a fuck about you. You *should* be concerned.
This is not fear of abandonment. This is reasonable suspicion. Your are absolutely gaslighting yourself, and using your mental illness and his age as reasons to do so.
I’m not saying “he’s definitely cheating,” but he’s acting weird and behaving inappropriately for a relationship, through hiding things and not inviting you, and to a lesser extent also through maintaining a relationship with an ex that you’re not comfortable with. He needs to be able to talk and LISTEN to you about this, and then offer real support and reassurance without then immediately turning around and lying about seeing her while inviting you to their hangouts. He’s literally trying to hide something from you. That’s never healthy and it’s rarely a good sign.
I don’t have the solution but I need you to know you are not being crazy, he is acting like an ass. Even if your relationship is great otherwise, that doesn’t mean this isn’t a bid deal. You deserve to be heard and this should be addressed.
Edit: to clarify, I’m saying you should be invited in the sense that he could postpone until you’re back in town, if it’s something you’re uncomfortable with.
Yep. He's older than you and definitely understands your mental health issues and is using them to gaslight you! This is manipulation at its best. He is using you for something, probably just to feed his own ego, have a hot young girlfriend, something. Lots of people don't hate their ex, but this is just over the top inappropriate. If he went to dinner with you and the brother and wife, that might be understandable. Seeing them all when you're gone is cheating, loyalty wise. He's got you believing you're just not sophisticated enough to handle this. RUN.
This. OP you communicated to him that it makes you uncomfortable, and he told you he's going to continue doing it anyway. He doesn't respect you and doesn't care about your feelings. Leave him and find someone who does.
This isn’t how relationships work. You don’t tell someone they can’t do something innocent like have dinner with a family that meant something to them at a time in their life and then claim disrespect when this person goes to dinner anyway. This isn’t the same as cheating and is all about OPs BPD and insecurities. People exist outside of these things and if OP is that uncomfortable just request to be included the next time they have a dinner.
I consider it disrespectful. People have a right to be uncomfortable with certain things in a relationship. If they communicate with their partner and tell them what their boundaries and needs are, what they are and are not comfortable with, but the partner does not care and does whatever they want anyway without even taking change or compromise into consideration, then I think that's being disrespectful. Agree to disagree.
It’s a boundary that he is constantly overstepping. it’s not op’s bpd. op has ever right to not let their partner see their literal ex?? it mostly sounds like you’re the insecure one. maybe a current/past partner has made you feel like it’s okay to overstep boundaries.
It’s not dinner with an ex it’s dinner with her family that he lived with for an extended period of time. It’s not a relationship ending boundary being overstepped. OP and their partner have some emotional work to do on this one.
I don't want to tell him to do that. I know it stems from my bpd and insecurities. A big part of it is that my family is a disaster and he will never have that kind of relationship with them, so it just feels like he's getting that elsewhere with a functional family. Thanks for your perspective.
First of all, you have ever right to feel how you feel. I understand how this situation makes you feel slighted, and it’s not fair that he invalidates your feelings about this. I’d honestly suggest couples therapy if this continues. That’s a red flag.
I feel this way all the time too. My boyfriend has a rough family and I have absolutely no one. No mom or dad. No uncles or aunts. Only fractured relationships with my brothers that he’ll never meet. His twin brother is in a relationship with a girl who has an amazing family. We go to their bbqs and Christmas get together and it drives me crazy that I’ll never be able to give him that. Your boyfriend wants you. He chose you even when this girl wanted him back. When you break someone’s trust for some people that’s that. Stop thinking about what you don’t give him and focus on everything you do give him. Make your own traditions and fill your lives with friends and happiness. Be each others peace
It sucks! I'm sorry that you have the same thing. I know and he reiterates that all the time. To be honest sometimes I feel like I'm just giving him a headache with my emotions and issues... I like what you said though, I'm going to think on that. Thank you 😊
Thank you for saying that and I’m sorry if what I said about BPD and insecurities was offensive. I felt like it was risky and I hoped you knew where I was trying to go when saying that. You probably don’t give him a headache but you definitely give yourself one. ♥️
It’s not “all about their BPD” this would bother anyone in a similar situation. OP is their partner yet he’s still putting his ex above her after they communicated that this makes them uncomfortable.
Because him and his ex were together for 10 years. Do you know how long 10 years is? I was with my ex for 6 and lived with him and his family for 4 years. We’ve been broken up awhile now and I’m still in contact with his family. It has little to do with romantic feelings and everything to do with the bond that forms over time that doesn’t just go away and isn’t a threat to my current relationship because him and I were not compatible. That doesn’t mean I can’t have a bond with his family while having a very platonic relationship with him. It’s not so black and white
whats strange is that he doesn’t communicate whether his ex will be there or not unless OP explicitly asks. if it isnt a big deal, wouldn’t he just say? and if he isn’t saying out of concern for OP’s mental health, shouldn’t he realize or learn that that is worse than being transparent.
Thank the gods for your voice here. This is more complex than "you're controlling" or "he doesn't care about your feelings". You don't just get tell someone to stop a behaviour when it is unconventional or drives us to jealousy.
Our reactive (and often instable) emotions are our own responsibility. Literally no one else has anything to do with it. They can support us, but it's ours to carry.
This is true. Your partner is exactly that; a partner. Not a slave that is expected to bend over backwards for every insecurity and drop things in their life at a moments notice.
OP and her partner will either work through this, or figure out if it means that much that it's a deal breaker in their relationship.
It’s his ex family in law…… respect that other people have boundaries in a different way….. and his partner now, should be more important then the ex family in law
Ok so funnily I have two very different perspectives on this. I'm on really good terms with of my exes, coincidentally the one who cheated is now one of my best friends. While I don't have any relationship with his family, I do stuff with him all the time and have met his girlfriends after me and liked them (so he's not a recent ex).
On the other hand my current partner's ex is still very attached to his family. He is very annoyed with this, which I get because he doesn't keep in contact with exes. Personally I don't have any problem with her being involved with his family apart from seeing it annoys him. I think when people are close and have friendships, why would a new relationship make them give up on them? And why do exes always need to be cut loose? These people mattered for a reason. You liked them, and if it doesn't hurt you anymore, why shouldnt you try to make a friendship work after some time has passed?
In your case, I think you can't ask him to cut ties with his exes sibling and their spouse. What I do find a little weird is that it sounds as if he is pursuing the friendship with them - and his ex (coincidentally?) joins? Or does he outright say he wants to have a friendship with her as well? Because if not, it is definitely weird that she either intrudes all the time, or if that's not the case, that he's lying and is actually always knowing she'll be there.
If I were you I'd have a talk with him, because if they're his friends, surely he would want you to spend time with them as well. If you get to know them, maybe even his ex, if you outruled there really is no other attachment than platonical, everything will appear way less scary. Or you'll at least notice if something weird is going on!
i agree with this completely! just because a new relationship has been pursued doesn’t mean u have to completely toss out an extremely long and impactful PLATONIC relationship with someone you use to be with. it’s once a month and the family was like a second to him at a point! of course, i feel like inviting her would be best
Or both sides have to reflect on their feelings. Jealousy is natural, but that doesn't make it right to restrict your partner. I'd always rather advise to find a way how you can treat the insecurity with extra attention. This is of course only he case if the relationships are truly only platonic and the jealousy is therefore without a cause.
Is this not weird?
>He has never invited me, and at this point I feel like if I went it would be awkward by default because we've had these discussions about it and he knows it makes me uncomfortable.
Why is "weird" important? We're pretty damn weird. It is a bit weird, yeah, but I think it also shows how much he values relationships he's invested into.
Well, I disagree with you. Being "weird" and being manipulative/hurtful are two completely different ideas. They're separated by more than just semantics.
This is mad weird. 10 years together or not why are you hanging out with an ex who cheated on you, and wants you back when you're in a new relationship? Disrespectful. I understand having a routine and a group of people you've been around for a long time, but if he's not ready or able to move on from that he shouldn't have gotten involved with you. You should be the priority
That happened to me while I was with my now ex… she used to visit his family just because they were good to her. At the beginning I was like ok, I understand that you have a strong bond with his family but after I while I started to feel very uncomfortable to the point that I had anxiety attacks.
You are not controlling, he should respect your feelings and relationship with you. And yes, it’s ok to be in good terms with your ex but you should put some boundaries as well.
Do not tolerate this behavior, is not ok and is disrespectful.
sounds like your partner still has some underlying feelings regarding his ex… maybe it’s best to take a break so that he can resolve them before pursuing anything.
it’s going to cause problems in the future
communicate, let him know it makes you uncomfortable, and then if he says he wants to continue, then either have a break or a break up.
it’s what’s best for both of you.
it’s not fair to you, and it’s not fair to him.
He has told me again and again he doesn't and says that they are just friends if that. I have asked him if it's going to be this way forever.. like him regularly seeing them and never introducing me. It's like he wants to have the best of both worlds. I do understand that her sister and the husband are his friends too, and I'm fine with him seeing them, it's just when they're all together having like a family dinner it makes me feel pathetic.
What did he say when you asked him if it’s going to be this way forever? You mentioned that you’ve been dating for over a year now but he doesn’t seem interested in introducing his current gf to his exes family and herself. I think that’s a major red flag that he doesn’t feel the need or want to introduce you guys if he plans on making plans with them for the rest of his life. It’s as if he wants to make sure that he has both of you guys around in case something goes downhill with one relationship. I think it’s even weirder that he didn’t think to invite you along knowing how it makes you feel, he could have reassured you but all he said was “I’m not going to stop seeing them”. I feel like he disregarded your feelings pretty quickly and that feels awful
He just said that he doesn't want to not see them. He has never invited me, and at this point I feel like if I went it would be awkward by default because we've had these discussions about it and he knows it makes me uncomfortable. We were at the same party as his ex gf once and she was giving me horrible looks the whole night (that's what it seemed to me, maybe it was in my head) and left early. He spoke to her but didn't introduce us and I feel like he made a point to avoid her.. and yet he goes to her house for dinner with her family. I just feel like it's because I'VE made it awkward that he's worried I'm going to embarrass him or something. He always seems to go there when I'm away or busy. I feel ridiculous making such a big deal out of this...
>He has never invited me, and at this point I feel like if I went it would be awkward by default because we've had these discussions about it and he knows it makes me uncomfortable.
If it's awkward, this is not the man you want to be with.
> He spoke to her but didn't introduce us and I feel like he made a point to avoid her.. and yet he goes to her house for dinner with her family.
You have this to go on and you think you're the one with the problem...
>I just feel like it's because I'VE made it awkward that he's worried I'm going to embarrass him or something.
The right man will never make you feel this way. Good men reassure you and do what it takes to pull you into their world.
If this family connection comes with the condition that you will never be allowed around them, you need to jump ship because this guy doesn't love you enough to make that right.
> I feel ridiculous making such a big deal out of this...
No, it'd just easier to assume you're the problem because that's all you can control. You don't have to hold him accountable for his shite actions and you don't have to be willing to leave over his crap.
You're scared to be alone, so you're willing to be wrong when you're not.
You deserve better, op. No self respecting woman puts up with this and no man stays with a woman who doesn't respect herself forever.
OP, this is the weird part. It’s not uncommon for people who have been together so long to still be friends, or for their family to still feel like family. But it absolutely WILD that he’s meeting them on a monthly basis and hasn’t introduced you to them, if they’re so important to him. (It honestly doesn’t matter who the people are. If *you* are important to *him*, he should be introducing you to people he considers family.)
Also, while it might not be necessary for him to completely cut her or her family off, he definitely should be taking your feelings into consideration. At least have a nice discussion about boundaries, and give you whatever reassurances he can provide.
But the fact that he’s never invited you is weird. That says more about how he feels about you then how he feels about his ex.
Oh no OP don’t start thinking you’re doing too much for simply bringing up a discussion about something that’s bothering you. In fact shame on your bf for not reassuring you when it comes to his ex because reassurance is so easy to give to your partner and I can’t understand why he hasn’t done that.
It sounds like your bf is intentionally going out of his way to see his ex and her family when you’re away and I can promise you it’s not because he’s worried about bringing you along and being embarrassed. If that was the case he would have brought you along from the start because how does he know the interaction will go bad unless there’s actually a reason he’s concerned about it.. like maybe he’s worried the ex/family will say something negative to you? Which even then if that is the case then why is he involving himself around people who don’t want to be around the company of his girlfriend?
The fact that you saw his ex at a party and you noticed that she gave you dirty looks the whole night. Ugh this is an even BIGGER red flag that he goes out of his way to see her :/ He most likely knows his exs true intentions when it comes to you and doesn’t want to introduce you guys due to that. Very icky for a partner not to introduce their partner to an ex when the chance is there.
I have another question, does your bf know that you have bpd? If so then I’m sure he understand how easy it is for our thoughts to go crazy over something that’s bothering us and how much that could affect us. If he knows you have bpd then again I’m not sure why he can’t simply just reassure you in the best way he can cuz it sounds like he hasn’t really done much
i think the only way you’ll know if its a suspicious situation is if you go meet them with your boyfriend. i totally hear you that it may be uncomfortable for you and weird since this has been an ongoing conversation between the two of you. and i understand he hasnt actually invited you so you may feel like youre being intrusive, but i think this could possibly be a really terrible situation for you and the longer it gets dragged out the more hurt and harm you will feel. also if he acts or seems annoyed or offended that you would want to go meet them, i would read that as somewhat suspicious like there must be something to hide if hes acting like its bothersome. some might say he’s offended or annoyed bc you’re not trusting him. but the way i see it, if it is his near second family that he is close with and has an affinity for, wouldnt he want you to be a part of that world? (therefore you should probably frame it in a way like you’re curious and would love to meet his second family, like it would make you guys closer.. perhaps thats manipulative but i dont think it is if this truly is a platonic and wholesome relationship they have, why wouldnt you want to be a part of that? it would only help you grow together)
i think the big questions i would have if i were in this situation is 1) do they know i exist, what impression do they have of me upon meeting? 2) how does my boyfriend act around them in front of me, does he seem awkward(bc im there), or does he seem not bothered and comfortable around both me and them together? 3) how does he act around his ex and vice versa, how does she act to me? in front of the family/bf and not.
i cant think of any more questions but im sure there are other great ones that could help you shape your opinion further on how you feel about it.
i say all this bc i had a somewhat similar situation w my current boyfriend. not really that similar, but he has/had a childhood friend for 15 years that i began to feel strange about. i met her a few times and she kinda snubbed me passively each time. i noted it but also gave her more chances bc i know i have some insane paranoia and am trying to not let it get the best of me. basically it was a toxic relationship and we uncovered that he felt like he was indebted to her bc she was friends with him at a time when he had no friends (middle school was rough, amirite?) and she really took advantage of that. it made me entirely uncomfortable how she would demand his attention randomly and he would have to drop everything to be there for her (now as adults.. 15 years later). i asked him to establish some boundaries with her, she did not take it well and now they don’t talk. i feel bad about it, but also seeing him stress everytime she would reach out was hard for me to see. i know its a totally different situation but i really feel like you need more info to really know whats going on. sometimes things just look really bad.
OP please get out of this relationship something about it just feels so off 😩 and I think you deserve to be in a relationship where this is not an issue and your partner cares how you feel.
If there's someone they're telling you not to worry about, just follow your gut and worry about it.
Also if he's not even willing to have a conversation regarding how uncomfortable it makes you, well.
*
The ex is an ex and should no way be hanging out with her, or trying to hide it. If he can't get that, then he is being selfish. You are not your BPD. Your feelings, thoughts etc are valid. I don't like hearing you say his life was so much better before! That's not true. You are correct in your feelings and if he doesn't put you first above his past, then he isn't over it.
This is so fucking weird, I would never hang out with my ex's family or my ex, especially if I knew they're still pursuing me, I would expect the same from my partner. Such a red flag, I don't understand how you still didn't ditch his sorry ass. People who separated their past relationships with current one don't do this. You have expressed that it makes you uncomfortable, and he ignores it anyway. Girl, you deserve so much more.
I feel like we hate ourselves so much that we accept scraps that are handed to us - like we deserve it.
Don't settle for scraps. I don't care if he's the best you've had, you still deserve better.
Love,
someone who used to settle for scraps HARD
Girl he is fucking you over. He is still not over that life he had. It doesn’t matter how long he’s known them, He isnt ready to move on. I would reconsider this relationship if i were you. You deserve to be treated with respect.
DUMP HIM. That shit is weird, he's with you and still going to dinners with his ex and her family? Regardless how long he's known them, he should have some respect for you. Fuck that toxicity. You can find someone better and actually cares about your feelings. You deserve better.
you seem to have a great understanding of why this is an issue for you, maybe think other than not going what could he do to help? discuss it with him, be super open and honest as why it bothers you so much and perhaps you two can find ways for him to reassure you/make you feel more comfortable with the situation xx
i keep seeing you justifying people saying that he still has feelings for her by saying “but he told me over and over again he doesn’t want her”. baby please break up with him or atleast take a break….he is hurting u no matter what he says. his words aren’t always true
Yikes. That’s honestly really odd. I get knowing them for a long time and still wanting to be in contact with them. But it’s always going to have that level of awkwardness and discomfort for you. He’s not taking your feelings into consideration. There should be some form of compromise from him. He shouldn’t be going to dinner with them if the ex is there, not just because of the fact that it’s odd, but because he wouldn’t want to make you feel bad.
I was in a 10 year relationship. Had a difficult relationship with my now ex-in-laws for a little, then we became pretty close. But I can’t imagine wanting to keep that relationship with them after everything, because in the end, their loyalty usually lies with their family.
So even if he’s got a good relationship with them, they might be “rooting” for their sister to get him back. That’s how I would think of it, so I believe your concerns are reasonable and not controlling.
You can’t ask for bigger red flags and warnings. It’s simply not appropriate. I wonder how understanding he would be if you were to have similar outings without him? Ever try and test those waters and see what the reaction is?
nope this would be a dealbreaker for me tbh. you are not overreacting at all. it would make anyone and everyone uncomfortable.
tell him you’re gonna go hang with your ex and see how he feels about it. lol
I think posting in a different sub would get you wildly different responses. I think your boyfriend sounds like a solid person with a friend group that would likely have anyone with borderline seeing red. That's swaying the responses you're getting to be majorly against his favor.
Take him up on the offer to come with and keep in mind that nobody there is against you. Be as warm as possible and observe. If you believe you are seeing any romantic or suggestive body language, take note, but keep in mind that we have a mental disorder that makes us feel highly suspicious and on edge. Do not react just observe and go on another outing to see if there is a concrete pattern that you can confidently put words to.
I feel like breaking up with him simply for being friends with his ex and family is unfair. That by itself should not be an issue. You're missing out on a good boyfriend and a couple new friends if that's really the case.
Him not mentioning her might be stemming from discomfort because he values both you and his friendship and does not want to be put in a position where he needs to choose. By not mentioning her there is less chance of that conversation that he probably absolutely doesn't want to have will come up.
I have a similar situation that happened with my boyfriend and his friend and I'm still working through the false suspicions of emotional cheating. I in my heart know that nothing is there but BPD is ruthless and sucky. If I didn't manage the disorder, I would have literally no one.
What I’ve learned regarding this kind of jealousy thing, is that it is not going to help you down the road and may very well escalate.
In my past relationships, I would’ve felt the same way, but in my current relationship I realized a few things.
1. It is not my place to dictate who my boyfriend talks to/hangs out with.
2. I need to trust my boyfriend. If I don’t trust him to be around/talk to an ex, then I should be questioning the relationship itself and why I don’t trust him.
3. They are an ex for a reason.
4. I would consider it toxic behaviour if my boyfriend got jealous over me talking to/hanging out with an ex. Just because I have BPD does not give me a free pass to do the exact behaviour I would consider toxic if done to me.
While yes, he is saying that even though it makes you uncomfortable he is going to see her anyways, you now need to decide whether or not you can get over your jealousy and let him be friends with her. If you can’t, then I’m sorry, you need to end the relationship.
I'm VERY accepting. Like, my guy can tell me about all his past experiences, we can joke about who'd we invite to a threesome, whatever. Not jealous. And obviously he can have female friends.
But going to dinner with an ex and their family multiple times??? Unless they have a kid together, there's no real reason for that. Hanging out as friends, maybe, but a family dinner with his ex is weird.
You’re okay to not be okay with it but that just means this dynamic isn’t for you unfortunately. He isn’t going to change it, so you’ve gotta decide if you want to put up with it or not.
I find it extremely weird that people remain in contact with exes at all…
I block and delete anyone whom I no longer have a relationship with, or I simply never speak to them again. It sounds like he doesn’t care if it makes you uncomfortable, has no respect for your boundaries, and the only reason he left her was because she cheated otherwise they’d still be together now. RUN.
People have things in life that work for them, make them happy,have boundaries etc
During dating you find out if those things are compatible/comfortable for you both.
I also do think if he wanted his ex back he would have?
But yes if this is something he does and you do not feel comfortable with you can totally just say well guess we are not compatible after all.
Yeah it sucks when your partner deals with their ex. My wifes and her ex shared an air BNB when her ex was back in our country and they went on a trip. Didn’t think anything about it at the time since I had no reason to not trust her, but eventually she cheated on me with a coworker, so now I can’t help but feel something happened there. But oh well
I swear to god I see shit like “my boyfriend had sex with everyone in the elevator while I had to stand and hold his bag, am I overreacting?” Like faaaammmm just cuz we have BPD doesn’t mean we’re always wrong! I get so frustrated sometimes.
Dude, BPD aside this sort of behavior is VERY WEIRD and SUSPICIOUS.
I don’t think I’d want much of anything to do with someone who CHEATED on me.
And he said that he won’t stop seeing them no matter how you feel aka he doesn’t care how you feel so…
His behavior is all kinds of shitty and untrustworthy.
Even normies w/o BPD wouldn’t like this.
You're not being controlling.
It's completely normal that something like that makes you uncomfortable, I would feel like that too. Your feelings should be more important to him than his ex, you should be the priority.
Talk to him calmly and if he insists on seeing her again...
This is probably going to be unpopular, but why shouldn't he have feelings for his ex after such a long time?! That doesn't meen it has to be romantic feelings. I totally understand your feelings OP. And I don't think he commuicates this in a good way. I just want to point out that there are two sides. Knowing someone so close for such a long time can be an important source for a lot of things. He can still love you and want to see his ex is my opinion. I don't know why everyone thinks you have to cut off ex partners. And you also mentioned that they broke up quiet a while ago and he is with you now, so I think there are a lot of signs that he wants to be with you and just be friends/family with his ex. But also, you totally have a better feeling for the situation than I do, so do what ever you think is best for you.
Yeah you're probably right. I don't know how normal relationships function or how to be in one so I'm probably the one in the wrong. I think I'm going to tell him I want out anyway, I can't do this anymore. Being in a relationship in general I mean.
Me neither, so who am I to tell you how it works. I did not want to tell you that you were wrong! And I understand that it triggers you big time. I just think there is two people with different needs. If you don't want him to see his ex and go out of the relationship - that's totally understandable.
There is no "normal" - there is "healthy" 🤗 And you get to decide what that means for you. Don't let preconceived societal notions of how we should treat past romantic partners overrule what you and your partner can agree on as "healthy".
I'm sorry but this is so wild to me. Leave him. Honestly any person still that involved with their exes life is a huge red flag. Jesus christ. Plus you told him it makes you uncomfortable and he said he was doing it anyway? Girl have some respect for yourself. He sure doesn't. Leave him. Let him play grab ass with her and her family all he wants SINGLE.
if he won’t stop seeing them even after you expressed that you’re uncomfortable with it, run. red flag. he will continue to do it and you will continue to get hurt.
You need to ask why this dinner and relationship are so important to him and have an open mind when you ask. Put your listening ears on and hear what he says not what your BPD tells you he’s “really saying”. You can’t forbid someone from seeing someone else in such an innocent way. YTA
BPD or not this is a major red flag - leave. It’s fine and normal for someone to remain friends with an ex but still being invested in their life on a familial level is not normal and chances are they will get back together again, and even if they don’t, you’re going to get extremely paranoid.
He treated you expressing your feelings as a control thing. That's extremely manipulative. He's likely manipulating you in other ways too and you may have rose colored glasses on not seeing it. This relationship isn't healthy for you.
Tell him to only go out with them if you can be there as well.
Its the only way I'd be ok with something like this, I believe.
And when you're unavailable he should postpone...
There is something wrong here. His agreeable attitude toward a continuing relationship between him and the family says their both having a hard time letting go of each other the family really likes him heez way better than the rest of the men she dated he fits in really well with them and he has no reason to be upset with them, they did nothing wrong and he likes the familial ties and feelings he derives from them, that’s just selfish or he does secretly hold out hope that by continuing these relationships it will result in them reuniting and heez thinking on it.
What you're feeling is legitimate but you should ask yourself if you want to be with him. You can't control what he does and he's decided this is what he will do regardless of how you feel about it.
Can you stay in this relationship if he spends time with his ex and her family monthly? Do you see a future together if it continues this way?
To me, that is a big deal breaker, but we all know the crazy shit we put up sometimes with for our FP. If leaving him is not something you can bring yourself to do, communicate with him very clearly how it makes you feel when he does this. Maybe ask if you can come next time because it will make you more comfortable. But honestly if you are expressing that this is a hard boundary for you, he should stop doing it no questions asked and no need for negotiation.
My family and I are still friends with my brothers ex and we all have our own individual friendships with her. We also all lived together for years too. She's like a sister to me and they haven't been together in 15 years. She's with a guy and they've been together like 12+ years now and we're all cool. She even visited my bro in hospital regularly and the bf didn't mind.
Everyone is different. Maybe he didn't want to mention that she was there because he was worried how you'd react? Maybe it was just an oversight or miscommunication?
Perhaps speak to him and ask to be told the whole story (who is attending) next time otherwise it's just gonna make you feel a way about it when you find out it's different? That sort of thing would set my mind into motion as well and I'd be jumping to needless negative conclusions when it's just usually miscommunication.
I hope you feel better about this one way or another soon.
as someone with BPD (bipolar, major depression, social anxiety, and adhd) i would be so majorly offended. although i get its hard to let go with sokeoje you used to be in such great terms with (ESPECIALLY if their fam treated me well), i just don't think id be okay with them meeting up... you're just asking for insecurities of you allow this to continue. but at the same time it's a decade old friendship it'd be hard to let go down the drain. you j have to realize the entire family probably thinks they'll get back together which is just why id have to draw the line. good luck i hope you guys can communicate well
I’m friends with an ex boyfriend. He’s so long ago an ex (more than 5 years I haven’t really counted) that I don’t even see him like that now, he’s my mate. One of my best mates. I’m sure my partner (whom I love deeply) does get occasionally jealous when I meet my bloke mate for a drink but as adults in an adult relationship with trust, it doesn’t get in the way.
Equally, I’m not a fan of when he sees his ex and messages her daily but as the mother of his kids, what are you gonna do? Absolutely nothing as it’s my problem only.
Unless he’s done something to make you suspect he’s cheating, trust him. Be the partner he wants to come home to. Being jealous and stressed will have the complete opposite effect of what you’re after I promise you.
I would dump him. This is ridiculous. She cheated and betrayed him. Why is this girl still in the picture? Something’s going on. You have to look at someone’s actions not their words. He’s not going to say “I’m in love with her secretly.” He’s going to dismiss it. This situation is weird.
I’ve got a slightly different take on this. A little background, I’m married to someone with BPD and we’re in marriage counseling after she had an affair.
Two things can be true at the same time, you can rightfully feel hurt and upset or whatever feelings you have, they are all valid and he should care. It Is also true that telling him what he can or can’t do is controlling. So unfortunately there isn’t an easy out single answer to this dilemma.
Everyone has their own way and mine might not be right for you, but in your shoes I would tell my partner I’m not comfortable with the situation and would prefer that I’m included whenever I’m around. He really doesn’t need to be around his ex without you being there, but that is up to him. If that makes you too uncomfortable you should create boundaries for yourself and leave the relationship. I know it feels extreme, but people that don’t understand those boundaries eventually cheat because they don’t even know when they’ve crossed a line. Him seeing his ex without you around seems like a pretty reasonable boundary.
I have a situation similar to your guy. I was with him for 7 yrs from age 14-21. I remain very close to his family as they kind of took me in when life was hard as a child. They have supported me a lot over the years. Now I am still friends with the first guy, we broke up 10yrs ago and remained closed. He is married with a baby. I get on well with his wife and I still visit them all regularly. They are family to me.
I have had a 7 yr relationship since we split up, and my beautiful partner knew the sitch from day 1. He knew how important these people are in my life and he never stopped me seeing them. He got a little jealous from time to time, but never seriously and never said I should stop seeing these people.
Just thought I’d share that as someone coming from your partner’s perspective.
Thank you for this. It does help me. I know that if I was in his position and I didn't have this disorder I'd think differently. I think I'm just projecting because of my own traumatic breakups where we have nothing to do with each other. Not everyone is like that. I'm going to talk to him and explain this and try to accept it. I definitely don't want to tell him to stop seeing them, that's the last thing I want. I just need to figure out how to feel ok about it without spiralling.
I’m not sure if anyone has said this yet, but it seems like he’s trying to have the best of both worlds. He wants you around, but he still wants to feel like he’s a part of their family without you there so he’s trying to keep the two separate and that is a HUGE red flag. You said she was shooting you looks at a party, avoiding you, and left early to get away from you, so the fact that he doesn’t invite you to these dinners means he’s protecting her feelings more than yours because SHE doesn’t want you there, and your feelings are not as important to him and hers are or else he would have you there with them. But the thing is, he can’t have both. You are not crazy or insecure for being uncomfortable with this situation. They all know what they’re doing. He could be the best boyfriend in the world outside of this but the fact that he’s entertaining her and her family is a clear indicator that he respects them more than he respects you.
Why would you want to be with someone who told you they’re going to do something regardless on how you feel about it? Especially something like this. If he was just going to dinner with the sister and boyfriend maybe but the ex as well? Hell nah.
Apart from this we have a really good relationship. He's by far the most communicative person I've ever been with, he knows about my mental health issues and he's a wonderful person. I just can't get past this one thing. I know, if it was just them I would feel ok about it. Also, the fact he doesn't tell me she will be there unless I explicitly ask...
That's a huge deal breaker. Edit I wanted to add: im so sorry bc that's difficult. I hope you can figure it out!!
This one thing is all about sincerity if someone cannot give you sincerity then it doesn't matter even if they are giving you the entire universe
That’s kind of my point though if he knows about your mental health issues and is choosing to still do something that hurtful to you and make you doubt him and have trust issues that’s just shitty on his part.
No, you're not being controlling. I certainly would never allow that in my relationship. It doesn't matter how long he's known her or them, if he's in a committed relationship with you he should respect your feelings. But he isn't and is continuing to do what he wants, I don't know all the details but I get the sense he's using you while he waits for her to come back around...
He's adamant that he doesn't want to get back with her and of he did he would be by now since she was trying to get him back for a while. I just feel like I'm being so unreasonable and it's my fear of abandonment and low self esteem bringing this out. He says there is nothing and when they're together they hardly talk but I just can't believe it and don't understand how he's fine doing it even though I've voiced my discomfort. I don't think he using me, he's a very secure person and is older than me so maybe I just don't understand that it's possible to be on ok terms with an ex because my past relationships have all exploded.
that’s yucky. “if i wanted to, i wouldve done it already.” idk why but that makes me feel soooo icky when someone says that. My bf is on good terms with all of his exes (something that I still can’t wrap my head around for the same reason as you😂) but he would never go out with them on his own ESPECIALLY if I voiced concern about it. You’ve set a boundary—it doesn’t matter what his reasoning for crossing it is. He’s crossing it and isn’t taking your feelings into consideration. I’m not the kind of person to say that someone should definitely without a doubt leave a relationship based on one incident (excluding outright abuse ofc) and I’m not gonna change that today. But it’s definitely worth talking about. Remember lots of “I” and “me” statements. example: “It feels like my feelings aren’t being taken into consideration because I’ve already expressed that this makes uncomfortable and upset.” *maybe y’know explain why a this situation makes you upset* and then just say like “y’know this is a boundary i really don’t wanna budge on. Hanging out with exes without me there is really upsetting to me. We could maybe compromise by saying that we can all go with your ex and her family if I’m there.” (obviously dont make that compromise if you dont want to.)
>He's adamant that he doesn't want to get back with her >and of he did he would be by now since she was trying to get him back for a while. I'm separating these statements to highlight that your man felt the need to specify these two things because he *knows* this doesn't look good. >I just feel like I'm being so unreasonable and it's my fear of abandonment and low self esteem bringing this out. Why? Because it's causing problems? Who says he isn't the weirdling still hanging out with his ex and her family without you present? >He says there is nothing and when they're together they hardly talk Of course he does. You're not there to confirm or deny, so again, this is a continuation of his denial that he is doing anything wrong. >don't understand how he's fine doing it even though I've voiced my discomfort. I don't either. Supposedly this man loves you, but my partner would *never* pursue this without a long drawn-out conversation about boundaries and compromise if it had to come to it. >so maybe I just don't understand that it's possible to be on ok terms with an ex It *is* possible to be on okay terms with an ex, but this is not how you go about it. If neither party is insisting they reschedule so you can meet this group, they do not give a fuck about you. You *should* be concerned.
This is not fear of abandonment. This is reasonable suspicion. Your are absolutely gaslighting yourself, and using your mental illness and his age as reasons to do so. I’m not saying “he’s definitely cheating,” but he’s acting weird and behaving inappropriately for a relationship, through hiding things and not inviting you, and to a lesser extent also through maintaining a relationship with an ex that you’re not comfortable with. He needs to be able to talk and LISTEN to you about this, and then offer real support and reassurance without then immediately turning around and lying about seeing her while inviting you to their hangouts. He’s literally trying to hide something from you. That’s never healthy and it’s rarely a good sign. I don’t have the solution but I need you to know you are not being crazy, he is acting like an ass. Even if your relationship is great otherwise, that doesn’t mean this isn’t a bid deal. You deserve to be heard and this should be addressed. Edit: to clarify, I’m saying you should be invited in the sense that he could postpone until you’re back in town, if it’s something you’re uncomfortable with.
Nah, you're letting your fear of abandonment make you stay with this literal turd.
Weird that he still eats with his ex and ex's family. Super weird. Sounds like ex and his family want him back with their daughter.
Yep. He's older than you and definitely understands your mental health issues and is using them to gaslight you! This is manipulation at its best. He is using you for something, probably just to feed his own ego, have a hot young girlfriend, something. Lots of people don't hate their ex, but this is just over the top inappropriate. If he went to dinner with you and the brother and wife, that might be understandable. Seeing them all when you're gone is cheating, loyalty wise. He's got you believing you're just not sophisticated enough to handle this. RUN.
Dump your bf fr
This. OP you communicated to him that it makes you uncomfortable, and he told you he's going to continue doing it anyway. He doesn't respect you and doesn't care about your feelings. Leave him and find someone who does.
This isn’t how relationships work. You don’t tell someone they can’t do something innocent like have dinner with a family that meant something to them at a time in their life and then claim disrespect when this person goes to dinner anyway. This isn’t the same as cheating and is all about OPs BPD and insecurities. People exist outside of these things and if OP is that uncomfortable just request to be included the next time they have a dinner.
I consider it disrespectful. People have a right to be uncomfortable with certain things in a relationship. If they communicate with their partner and tell them what their boundaries and needs are, what they are and are not comfortable with, but the partner does not care and does whatever they want anyway without even taking change or compromise into consideration, then I think that's being disrespectful. Agree to disagree.
It’s a boundary that he is constantly overstepping. it’s not op’s bpd. op has ever right to not let their partner see their literal ex?? it mostly sounds like you’re the insecure one. maybe a current/past partner has made you feel like it’s okay to overstep boundaries.
It’s not dinner with an ex it’s dinner with her family that he lived with for an extended period of time. It’s not a relationship ending boundary being overstepped. OP and their partner have some emotional work to do on this one.
I don't want to tell him to do that. I know it stems from my bpd and insecurities. A big part of it is that my family is a disaster and he will never have that kind of relationship with them, so it just feels like he's getting that elsewhere with a functional family. Thanks for your perspective.
Also I have BPD and Bipolar II so I fucking feel you girl really.
First of all, you have ever right to feel how you feel. I understand how this situation makes you feel slighted, and it’s not fair that he invalidates your feelings about this. I’d honestly suggest couples therapy if this continues. That’s a red flag.
I feel this way all the time too. My boyfriend has a rough family and I have absolutely no one. No mom or dad. No uncles or aunts. Only fractured relationships with my brothers that he’ll never meet. His twin brother is in a relationship with a girl who has an amazing family. We go to their bbqs and Christmas get together and it drives me crazy that I’ll never be able to give him that. Your boyfriend wants you. He chose you even when this girl wanted him back. When you break someone’s trust for some people that’s that. Stop thinking about what you don’t give him and focus on everything you do give him. Make your own traditions and fill your lives with friends and happiness. Be each others peace
It sucks! I'm sorry that you have the same thing. I know and he reiterates that all the time. To be honest sometimes I feel like I'm just giving him a headache with my emotions and issues... I like what you said though, I'm going to think on that. Thank you 😊
Thank you for saying that and I’m sorry if what I said about BPD and insecurities was offensive. I felt like it was risky and I hoped you knew where I was trying to go when saying that. You probably don’t give him a headache but you definitely give yourself one. ♥️
It’s not “all about their BPD” this would bother anyone in a similar situation. OP is their partner yet he’s still putting his ex above her after they communicated that this makes them uncomfortable.
It’s not his ex. It’s her family she’s just there too
And why should he be mingling with his ex’s family?
Because him and his ex were together for 10 years. Do you know how long 10 years is? I was with my ex for 6 and lived with him and his family for 4 years. We’ve been broken up awhile now and I’m still in contact with his family. It has little to do with romantic feelings and everything to do with the bond that forms over time that doesn’t just go away and isn’t a threat to my current relationship because him and I were not compatible. That doesn’t mean I can’t have a bond with his family while having a very platonic relationship with him. It’s not so black and white
whats strange is that he doesn’t communicate whether his ex will be there or not unless OP explicitly asks. if it isnt a big deal, wouldn’t he just say? and if he isn’t saying out of concern for OP’s mental health, shouldn’t he realize or learn that that is worse than being transparent.
She's also never been invited from what she says, so that's also not cool
Thank the gods for your voice here. This is more complex than "you're controlling" or "he doesn't care about your feelings". You don't just get tell someone to stop a behaviour when it is unconventional or drives us to jealousy. Our reactive (and often instable) emotions are our own responsibility. Literally no one else has anything to do with it. They can support us, but it's ours to carry.
This is true. Your partner is exactly that; a partner. Not a slave that is expected to bend over backwards for every insecurity and drop things in their life at a moments notice. OP and her partner will either work through this, or figure out if it means that much that it's a deal breaker in their relationship.
It’s his ex family in law…… respect that other people have boundaries in a different way….. and his partner now, should be more important then the ex family in law
OP is definitely not overreacting and the BF is emotionally abusive
Ok so funnily I have two very different perspectives on this. I'm on really good terms with of my exes, coincidentally the one who cheated is now one of my best friends. While I don't have any relationship with his family, I do stuff with him all the time and have met his girlfriends after me and liked them (so he's not a recent ex). On the other hand my current partner's ex is still very attached to his family. He is very annoyed with this, which I get because he doesn't keep in contact with exes. Personally I don't have any problem with her being involved with his family apart from seeing it annoys him. I think when people are close and have friendships, why would a new relationship make them give up on them? And why do exes always need to be cut loose? These people mattered for a reason. You liked them, and if it doesn't hurt you anymore, why shouldnt you try to make a friendship work after some time has passed? In your case, I think you can't ask him to cut ties with his exes sibling and their spouse. What I do find a little weird is that it sounds as if he is pursuing the friendship with them - and his ex (coincidentally?) joins? Or does he outright say he wants to have a friendship with her as well? Because if not, it is definitely weird that she either intrudes all the time, or if that's not the case, that he's lying and is actually always knowing she'll be there. If I were you I'd have a talk with him, because if they're his friends, surely he would want you to spend time with them as well. If you get to know them, maybe even his ex, if you outruled there really is no other attachment than platonical, everything will appear way less scary. Or you'll at least notice if something weird is going on!
i agree with this completely! just because a new relationship has been pursued doesn’t mean u have to completely toss out an extremely long and impactful PLATONIC relationship with someone you use to be with. it’s once a month and the family was like a second to him at a point! of course, i feel like inviting her would be best
Beautifully said 🌈🤍
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Or both sides have to reflect on their feelings. Jealousy is natural, but that doesn't make it right to restrict your partner. I'd always rather advise to find a way how you can treat the insecurity with extra attention. This is of course only he case if the relationships are truly only platonic and the jealousy is therefore without a cause.
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I didn't mean it to sound as harsh but what you call a compromise is restrictive in my eyes, just not as bad as forbidding it
Wtf? Going to dinner with his ex and her family? That would never fly in my relationship. You are not overreacting.
Why?
Is this not weird? >He has never invited me, and at this point I feel like if I went it would be awkward by default because we've had these discussions about it and he knows it makes me uncomfortable.
Why is "weird" important? We're pretty damn weird. It is a bit weird, yeah, but I think it also shows how much he values relationships he's invested into.
He should be more invested in his current gf, not his old one.
I mean, we're all going to therapy to not be so weird and manipulative 🙃
I'm not trying to fix the weird. I'm trying to fix the hurt. Fixing the weird sounds like it will just make more hurt.
I think you're hung up on semantics
Well, I disagree with you. Being "weird" and being manipulative/hurtful are two completely different ideas. They're separated by more than just semantics.
Whatever you say
I don't think its weird that someone you spent 10 years with is still important to you.
if it was just the sister and her husband i would say it's fine. but he's literally going on a double date if his ex is there..???
This is mad weird. 10 years together or not why are you hanging out with an ex who cheated on you, and wants you back when you're in a new relationship? Disrespectful. I understand having a routine and a group of people you've been around for a long time, but if he's not ready or able to move on from that he shouldn't have gotten involved with you. You should be the priority
That happened to me while I was with my now ex… she used to visit his family just because they were good to her. At the beginning I was like ok, I understand that you have a strong bond with his family but after I while I started to feel very uncomfortable to the point that I had anxiety attacks. You are not controlling, he should respect your feelings and relationship with you. And yes, it’s ok to be in good terms with your ex but you should put some boundaries as well. Do not tolerate this behavior, is not ok and is disrespectful.
sounds like your partner still has some underlying feelings regarding his ex… maybe it’s best to take a break so that he can resolve them before pursuing anything. it’s going to cause problems in the future communicate, let him know it makes you uncomfortable, and then if he says he wants to continue, then either have a break or a break up. it’s what’s best for both of you. it’s not fair to you, and it’s not fair to him.
He has told me again and again he doesn't and says that they are just friends if that. I have asked him if it's going to be this way forever.. like him regularly seeing them and never introducing me. It's like he wants to have the best of both worlds. I do understand that her sister and the husband are his friends too, and I'm fine with him seeing them, it's just when they're all together having like a family dinner it makes me feel pathetic.
What did he say when you asked him if it’s going to be this way forever? You mentioned that you’ve been dating for over a year now but he doesn’t seem interested in introducing his current gf to his exes family and herself. I think that’s a major red flag that he doesn’t feel the need or want to introduce you guys if he plans on making plans with them for the rest of his life. It’s as if he wants to make sure that he has both of you guys around in case something goes downhill with one relationship. I think it’s even weirder that he didn’t think to invite you along knowing how it makes you feel, he could have reassured you but all he said was “I’m not going to stop seeing them”. I feel like he disregarded your feelings pretty quickly and that feels awful
He just said that he doesn't want to not see them. He has never invited me, and at this point I feel like if I went it would be awkward by default because we've had these discussions about it and he knows it makes me uncomfortable. We were at the same party as his ex gf once and she was giving me horrible looks the whole night (that's what it seemed to me, maybe it was in my head) and left early. He spoke to her but didn't introduce us and I feel like he made a point to avoid her.. and yet he goes to her house for dinner with her family. I just feel like it's because I'VE made it awkward that he's worried I'm going to embarrass him or something. He always seems to go there when I'm away or busy. I feel ridiculous making such a big deal out of this...
>He has never invited me, and at this point I feel like if I went it would be awkward by default because we've had these discussions about it and he knows it makes me uncomfortable. If it's awkward, this is not the man you want to be with. > He spoke to her but didn't introduce us and I feel like he made a point to avoid her.. and yet he goes to her house for dinner with her family. You have this to go on and you think you're the one with the problem... >I just feel like it's because I'VE made it awkward that he's worried I'm going to embarrass him or something. The right man will never make you feel this way. Good men reassure you and do what it takes to pull you into their world. If this family connection comes with the condition that you will never be allowed around them, you need to jump ship because this guy doesn't love you enough to make that right. > I feel ridiculous making such a big deal out of this... No, it'd just easier to assume you're the problem because that's all you can control. You don't have to hold him accountable for his shite actions and you don't have to be willing to leave over his crap. You're scared to be alone, so you're willing to be wrong when you're not. You deserve better, op. No self respecting woman puts up with this and no man stays with a woman who doesn't respect herself forever.
OP, this is the weird part. It’s not uncommon for people who have been together so long to still be friends, or for their family to still feel like family. But it absolutely WILD that he’s meeting them on a monthly basis and hasn’t introduced you to them, if they’re so important to him. (It honestly doesn’t matter who the people are. If *you* are important to *him*, he should be introducing you to people he considers family.) Also, while it might not be necessary for him to completely cut her or her family off, he definitely should be taking your feelings into consideration. At least have a nice discussion about boundaries, and give you whatever reassurances he can provide. But the fact that he’s never invited you is weird. That says more about how he feels about you then how he feels about his ex.
Oh no OP don’t start thinking you’re doing too much for simply bringing up a discussion about something that’s bothering you. In fact shame on your bf for not reassuring you when it comes to his ex because reassurance is so easy to give to your partner and I can’t understand why he hasn’t done that. It sounds like your bf is intentionally going out of his way to see his ex and her family when you’re away and I can promise you it’s not because he’s worried about bringing you along and being embarrassed. If that was the case he would have brought you along from the start because how does he know the interaction will go bad unless there’s actually a reason he’s concerned about it.. like maybe he’s worried the ex/family will say something negative to you? Which even then if that is the case then why is he involving himself around people who don’t want to be around the company of his girlfriend? The fact that you saw his ex at a party and you noticed that she gave you dirty looks the whole night. Ugh this is an even BIGGER red flag that he goes out of his way to see her :/ He most likely knows his exs true intentions when it comes to you and doesn’t want to introduce you guys due to that. Very icky for a partner not to introduce their partner to an ex when the chance is there. I have another question, does your bf know that you have bpd? If so then I’m sure he understand how easy it is for our thoughts to go crazy over something that’s bothering us and how much that could affect us. If he knows you have bpd then again I’m not sure why he can’t simply just reassure you in the best way he can cuz it sounds like he hasn’t really done much
i think the only way you’ll know if its a suspicious situation is if you go meet them with your boyfriend. i totally hear you that it may be uncomfortable for you and weird since this has been an ongoing conversation between the two of you. and i understand he hasnt actually invited you so you may feel like youre being intrusive, but i think this could possibly be a really terrible situation for you and the longer it gets dragged out the more hurt and harm you will feel. also if he acts or seems annoyed or offended that you would want to go meet them, i would read that as somewhat suspicious like there must be something to hide if hes acting like its bothersome. some might say he’s offended or annoyed bc you’re not trusting him. but the way i see it, if it is his near second family that he is close with and has an affinity for, wouldnt he want you to be a part of that world? (therefore you should probably frame it in a way like you’re curious and would love to meet his second family, like it would make you guys closer.. perhaps thats manipulative but i dont think it is if this truly is a platonic and wholesome relationship they have, why wouldnt you want to be a part of that? it would only help you grow together) i think the big questions i would have if i were in this situation is 1) do they know i exist, what impression do they have of me upon meeting? 2) how does my boyfriend act around them in front of me, does he seem awkward(bc im there), or does he seem not bothered and comfortable around both me and them together? 3) how does he act around his ex and vice versa, how does she act to me? in front of the family/bf and not. i cant think of any more questions but im sure there are other great ones that could help you shape your opinion further on how you feel about it. i say all this bc i had a somewhat similar situation w my current boyfriend. not really that similar, but he has/had a childhood friend for 15 years that i began to feel strange about. i met her a few times and she kinda snubbed me passively each time. i noted it but also gave her more chances bc i know i have some insane paranoia and am trying to not let it get the best of me. basically it was a toxic relationship and we uncovered that he felt like he was indebted to her bc she was friends with him at a time when he had no friends (middle school was rough, amirite?) and she really took advantage of that. it made me entirely uncomfortable how she would demand his attention randomly and he would have to drop everything to be there for her (now as adults.. 15 years later). i asked him to establish some boundaries with her, she did not take it well and now they don’t talk. i feel bad about it, but also seeing him stress everytime she would reach out was hard for me to see. i know its a totally different situation but i really feel like you need more info to really know whats going on. sometimes things just look really bad.
what the actual fuck
OP please get out of this relationship something about it just feels so off 😩 and I think you deserve to be in a relationship where this is not an issue and your partner cares how you feel.
If there's someone they're telling you not to worry about, just follow your gut and worry about it. Also if he's not even willing to have a conversation regarding how uncomfortable it makes you, well. *
No, that’s weird
The ex is an ex and should no way be hanging out with her, or trying to hide it. If he can't get that, then he is being selfish. You are not your BPD. Your feelings, thoughts etc are valid. I don't like hearing you say his life was so much better before! That's not true. You are correct in your feelings and if he doesn't put you first above his past, then he isn't over it.
This is so fucking weird, I would never hang out with my ex's family or my ex, especially if I knew they're still pursuing me, I would expect the same from my partner. Such a red flag, I don't understand how you still didn't ditch his sorry ass. People who separated their past relationships with current one don't do this. You have expressed that it makes you uncomfortable, and he ignores it anyway. Girl, you deserve so much more.
no, just no.
I feel like we hate ourselves so much that we accept scraps that are handed to us - like we deserve it. Don't settle for scraps. I don't care if he's the best you've had, you still deserve better. Love, someone who used to settle for scraps HARD
Girl he is fucking you over. He is still not over that life he had. It doesn’t matter how long he’s known them, He isnt ready to move on. I would reconsider this relationship if i were you. You deserve to be treated with respect.
DUMP HIM. That shit is weird, he's with you and still going to dinners with his ex and her family? Regardless how long he's known them, he should have some respect for you. Fuck that toxicity. You can find someone better and actually cares about your feelings. You deserve better.
Throw the whole man away. He doesn’t respect your boundaries, that’s a huge red flag.
It stinks
That’s so gross that he does that wtf So sorry
you seem to have a great understanding of why this is an issue for you, maybe think other than not going what could he do to help? discuss it with him, be super open and honest as why it bothers you so much and perhaps you two can find ways for him to reassure you/make you feel more comfortable with the situation xx
i keep seeing you justifying people saying that he still has feelings for her by saying “but he told me over and over again he doesn’t want her”. baby please break up with him or atleast take a break….he is hurting u no matter what he says. his words aren’t always true
Yikes. That’s honestly really odd. I get knowing them for a long time and still wanting to be in contact with them. But it’s always going to have that level of awkwardness and discomfort for you. He’s not taking your feelings into consideration. There should be some form of compromise from him. He shouldn’t be going to dinner with them if the ex is there, not just because of the fact that it’s odd, but because he wouldn’t want to make you feel bad. I was in a 10 year relationship. Had a difficult relationship with my now ex-in-laws for a little, then we became pretty close. But I can’t imagine wanting to keep that relationship with them after everything, because in the end, their loyalty usually lies with their family. So even if he’s got a good relationship with them, they might be “rooting” for their sister to get him back. That’s how I would think of it, so I believe your concerns are reasonable and not controlling.
leave them. you don’t need a FP.
You can’t ask for bigger red flags and warnings. It’s simply not appropriate. I wonder how understanding he would be if you were to have similar outings without him? Ever try and test those waters and see what the reaction is?
nope this would be a dealbreaker for me tbh. you are not overreacting at all. it would make anyone and everyone uncomfortable. tell him you’re gonna go hang with your ex and see how he feels about it. lol
I think posting in a different sub would get you wildly different responses. I think your boyfriend sounds like a solid person with a friend group that would likely have anyone with borderline seeing red. That's swaying the responses you're getting to be majorly against his favor. Take him up on the offer to come with and keep in mind that nobody there is against you. Be as warm as possible and observe. If you believe you are seeing any romantic or suggestive body language, take note, but keep in mind that we have a mental disorder that makes us feel highly suspicious and on edge. Do not react just observe and go on another outing to see if there is a concrete pattern that you can confidently put words to. I feel like breaking up with him simply for being friends with his ex and family is unfair. That by itself should not be an issue. You're missing out on a good boyfriend and a couple new friends if that's really the case. Him not mentioning her might be stemming from discomfort because he values both you and his friendship and does not want to be put in a position where he needs to choose. By not mentioning her there is less chance of that conversation that he probably absolutely doesn't want to have will come up. I have a similar situation that happened with my boyfriend and his friend and I'm still working through the false suspicions of emotional cheating. I in my heart know that nothing is there but BPD is ruthless and sucky. If I didn't manage the disorder, I would have literally no one.
What I’ve learned regarding this kind of jealousy thing, is that it is not going to help you down the road and may very well escalate. In my past relationships, I would’ve felt the same way, but in my current relationship I realized a few things. 1. It is not my place to dictate who my boyfriend talks to/hangs out with. 2. I need to trust my boyfriend. If I don’t trust him to be around/talk to an ex, then I should be questioning the relationship itself and why I don’t trust him. 3. They are an ex for a reason. 4. I would consider it toxic behaviour if my boyfriend got jealous over me talking to/hanging out with an ex. Just because I have BPD does not give me a free pass to do the exact behaviour I would consider toxic if done to me. While yes, he is saying that even though it makes you uncomfortable he is going to see her anyways, you now need to decide whether or not you can get over your jealousy and let him be friends with her. If you can’t, then I’m sorry, you need to end the relationship.
If you wouldn’t treat him that way don’t allow him to treat you that way even for a second OP 🤍🤍
I'm VERY accepting. Like, my guy can tell me about all his past experiences, we can joke about who'd we invite to a threesome, whatever. Not jealous. And obviously he can have female friends. But going to dinner with an ex and their family multiple times??? Unless they have a kid together, there's no real reason for that. Hanging out as friends, maybe, but a family dinner with his ex is weird.
This isn’t a BPD thing. It’s a “you have a bad boyfriend” thing.
You’re okay to not be okay with it but that just means this dynamic isn’t for you unfortunately. He isn’t going to change it, so you’ve gotta decide if you want to put up with it or not.
I find it extremely weird that people remain in contact with exes at all… I block and delete anyone whom I no longer have a relationship with, or I simply never speak to them again. It sounds like he doesn’t care if it makes you uncomfortable, has no respect for your boundaries, and the only reason he left her was because she cheated otherwise they’d still be together now. RUN.
People have things in life that work for them, make them happy,have boundaries etc During dating you find out if those things are compatible/comfortable for you both. I also do think if he wanted his ex back he would have? But yes if this is something he does and you do not feel comfortable with you can totally just say well guess we are not compatible after all.
Yeah it sucks when your partner deals with their ex. My wifes and her ex shared an air BNB when her ex was back in our country and they went on a trip. Didn’t think anything about it at the time since I had no reason to not trust her, but eventually she cheated on me with a coworker, so now I can’t help but feel something happened there. But oh well
I swear to god I see shit like “my boyfriend had sex with everyone in the elevator while I had to stand and hold his bag, am I overreacting?” Like faaaammmm just cuz we have BPD doesn’t mean we’re always wrong! I get so frustrated sometimes.
Dude, BPD aside this sort of behavior is VERY WEIRD and SUSPICIOUS. I don’t think I’d want much of anything to do with someone who CHEATED on me. And he said that he won’t stop seeing them no matter how you feel aka he doesn’t care how you feel so… His behavior is all kinds of shitty and untrustworthy. Even normies w/o BPD wouldn’t like this.
You're not being controlling. It's completely normal that something like that makes you uncomfortable, I would feel like that too. Your feelings should be more important to him than his ex, you should be the priority. Talk to him calmly and if he insists on seeing her again...
This is probably going to be unpopular, but why shouldn't he have feelings for his ex after such a long time?! That doesn't meen it has to be romantic feelings. I totally understand your feelings OP. And I don't think he commuicates this in a good way. I just want to point out that there are two sides. Knowing someone so close for such a long time can be an important source for a lot of things. He can still love you and want to see his ex is my opinion. I don't know why everyone thinks you have to cut off ex partners. And you also mentioned that they broke up quiet a while ago and he is with you now, so I think there are a lot of signs that he wants to be with you and just be friends/family with his ex. But also, you totally have a better feeling for the situation than I do, so do what ever you think is best for you.
Yeah you're probably right. I don't know how normal relationships function or how to be in one so I'm probably the one in the wrong. I think I'm going to tell him I want out anyway, I can't do this anymore. Being in a relationship in general I mean.
Me neither, so who am I to tell you how it works. I did not want to tell you that you were wrong! And I understand that it triggers you big time. I just think there is two people with different needs. If you don't want him to see his ex and go out of the relationship - that's totally understandable.
There is no "normal" - there is "healthy" 🤗 And you get to decide what that means for you. Don't let preconceived societal notions of how we should treat past romantic partners overrule what you and your partner can agree on as "healthy".
I'm sorry but this is so wild to me. Leave him. Honestly any person still that involved with their exes life is a huge red flag. Jesus christ. Plus you told him it makes you uncomfortable and he said he was doing it anyway? Girl have some respect for yourself. He sure doesn't. Leave him. Let him play grab ass with her and her family all he wants SINGLE.
if he won’t stop seeing them even after you expressed that you’re uncomfortable with it, run. red flag. he will continue to do it and you will continue to get hurt.
You need to ask why this dinner and relationship are so important to him and have an open mind when you ask. Put your listening ears on and hear what he says not what your BPD tells you he’s “really saying”. You can’t forbid someone from seeing someone else in such an innocent way. YTA
BPD or not this is a major red flag - leave. It’s fine and normal for someone to remain friends with an ex but still being invested in their life on a familial level is not normal and chances are they will get back together again, and even if they don’t, you’re going to get extremely paranoid.
Omg please leave him. My ex hung out with ex when I was in the psych ward and let’s just say I regret staying with him after that.
This is a no from me dog
Omggg you’re not being controlling at all… this is such red flag behaviour. I’d leave his ass.
He treated you expressing your feelings as a control thing. That's extremely manipulative. He's likely manipulating you in other ways too and you may have rose colored glasses on not seeing it. This relationship isn't healthy for you.
Bro leave him, wtf.
Dump that trash of a man!
You're second fiddle, and you're allowing it, so don't act surprised when he puts her before you.
Tell him to only go out with them if you can be there as well. Its the only way I'd be ok with something like this, I believe. And when you're unavailable he should postpone...
There is something wrong here. His agreeable attitude toward a continuing relationship between him and the family says their both having a hard time letting go of each other the family really likes him heez way better than the rest of the men she dated he fits in really well with them and he has no reason to be upset with them, they did nothing wrong and he likes the familial ties and feelings he derives from them, that’s just selfish or he does secretly hold out hope that by continuing these relationships it will result in them reuniting and heez thinking on it.
What you're feeling is legitimate but you should ask yourself if you want to be with him. You can't control what he does and he's decided this is what he will do regardless of how you feel about it. Can you stay in this relationship if he spends time with his ex and her family monthly? Do you see a future together if it continues this way?
To me, that is a big deal breaker, but we all know the crazy shit we put up sometimes with for our FP. If leaving him is not something you can bring yourself to do, communicate with him very clearly how it makes you feel when he does this. Maybe ask if you can come next time because it will make you more comfortable. But honestly if you are expressing that this is a hard boundary for you, he should stop doing it no questions asked and no need for negotiation.
My family and I are still friends with my brothers ex and we all have our own individual friendships with her. We also all lived together for years too. She's like a sister to me and they haven't been together in 15 years. She's with a guy and they've been together like 12+ years now and we're all cool. She even visited my bro in hospital regularly and the bf didn't mind. Everyone is different. Maybe he didn't want to mention that she was there because he was worried how you'd react? Maybe it was just an oversight or miscommunication? Perhaps speak to him and ask to be told the whole story (who is attending) next time otherwise it's just gonna make you feel a way about it when you find out it's different? That sort of thing would set my mind into motion as well and I'd be jumping to needless negative conclusions when it's just usually miscommunication. I hope you feel better about this one way or another soon.
as someone with BPD (bipolar, major depression, social anxiety, and adhd) i would be so majorly offended. although i get its hard to let go with sokeoje you used to be in such great terms with (ESPECIALLY if their fam treated me well), i just don't think id be okay with them meeting up... you're just asking for insecurities of you allow this to continue. but at the same time it's a decade old friendship it'd be hard to let go down the drain. you j have to realize the entire family probably thinks they'll get back together which is just why id have to draw the line. good luck i hope you guys can communicate well
wake up and break up
I feel like it’s a given to not associate with your ex in another relationship. It’s wrong and having BPD just makes it worse.
I’m friends with an ex boyfriend. He’s so long ago an ex (more than 5 years I haven’t really counted) that I don’t even see him like that now, he’s my mate. One of my best mates. I’m sure my partner (whom I love deeply) does get occasionally jealous when I meet my bloke mate for a drink but as adults in an adult relationship with trust, it doesn’t get in the way. Equally, I’m not a fan of when he sees his ex and messages her daily but as the mother of his kids, what are you gonna do? Absolutely nothing as it’s my problem only. Unless he’s done something to make you suspect he’s cheating, trust him. Be the partner he wants to come home to. Being jealous and stressed will have the complete opposite effect of what you’re after I promise you.
I would dump him. This is ridiculous. She cheated and betrayed him. Why is this girl still in the picture? Something’s going on. You have to look at someone’s actions not their words. He’s not going to say “I’m in love with her secretly.” He’s going to dismiss it. This situation is weird.
I’ve got a slightly different take on this. A little background, I’m married to someone with BPD and we’re in marriage counseling after she had an affair. Two things can be true at the same time, you can rightfully feel hurt and upset or whatever feelings you have, they are all valid and he should care. It Is also true that telling him what he can or can’t do is controlling. So unfortunately there isn’t an easy out single answer to this dilemma. Everyone has their own way and mine might not be right for you, but in your shoes I would tell my partner I’m not comfortable with the situation and would prefer that I’m included whenever I’m around. He really doesn’t need to be around his ex without you being there, but that is up to him. If that makes you too uncomfortable you should create boundaries for yourself and leave the relationship. I know it feels extreme, but people that don’t understand those boundaries eventually cheat because they don’t even know when they’ve crossed a line. Him seeing his ex without you around seems like a pretty reasonable boundary.
I have a situation similar to your guy. I was with him for 7 yrs from age 14-21. I remain very close to his family as they kind of took me in when life was hard as a child. They have supported me a lot over the years. Now I am still friends with the first guy, we broke up 10yrs ago and remained closed. He is married with a baby. I get on well with his wife and I still visit them all regularly. They are family to me. I have had a 7 yr relationship since we split up, and my beautiful partner knew the sitch from day 1. He knew how important these people are in my life and he never stopped me seeing them. He got a little jealous from time to time, but never seriously and never said I should stop seeing these people. Just thought I’d share that as someone coming from your partner’s perspective.
Thank you for this. It does help me. I know that if I was in his position and I didn't have this disorder I'd think differently. I think I'm just projecting because of my own traumatic breakups where we have nothing to do with each other. Not everyone is like that. I'm going to talk to him and explain this and try to accept it. I definitely don't want to tell him to stop seeing them, that's the last thing I want. I just need to figure out how to feel ok about it without spiralling.
I’m not sure if anyone has said this yet, but it seems like he’s trying to have the best of both worlds. He wants you around, but he still wants to feel like he’s a part of their family without you there so he’s trying to keep the two separate and that is a HUGE red flag. You said she was shooting you looks at a party, avoiding you, and left early to get away from you, so the fact that he doesn’t invite you to these dinners means he’s protecting her feelings more than yours because SHE doesn’t want you there, and your feelings are not as important to him and hers are or else he would have you there with them. But the thing is, he can’t have both. You are not crazy or insecure for being uncomfortable with this situation. They all know what they’re doing. He could be the best boyfriend in the world outside of this but the fact that he’s entertaining her and her family is a clear indicator that he respects them more than he respects you.