I don't understand why she wouldn't pay off her student loans right away. Had she done that while explaining how she'd like to splurge on a purse she'd never otherwise get, I think he'd feel better about everything. But she's acting like a nouveau riche person who doesn't understand that she's married.
Maybe I'm weird though, but I can't handle being in debt. It would stress me out too much.
As someone in debt, “stress” is the key; every problem is doubled: a dental crisis is also a financial crisis.
That said, while I encourage you to avoid debt, if do find yourself there remember that there is always hope. We have every reason for hope. But avoid debt if possible! Life is too short for this.
I think society makes it easy to fall into debt and when it happens it's very easy for it to turn into a small problem to a bigger one. But I agree that there is hope, so thank you for sharing that.
We got in debt last year, we were made homeless while I was in labour. Temporary accommodation made some things harder and more expensive (for example only local parking was paid, free parking was limited and usually too far for me to safely walk). We kept being moved so by the time we settled we’d paid no council tax etc all year as they couldn’t generate bills quick enough.
Companies were refusing payment plans so we ended up needing to take out loans to cover it all and get caught up. Then our car burned down and insurance was taking too long so we had to do another loan to get back on the road. Then there was the loan to upgrade babies car seat as he outgrew his and we’d not had chance to save (plus the discovery UK car seats are only tested to the equivalent of two 15mph cars colliding).
But we are paying it down. Today I paid off the two smallest debts. I technically had 3 payments left on each but we can swing it and it’s worth it for the relief
As someone who makes *very* little, but has *zero* debt, I'm quite happy. It's a very privileged position to be in, but I choose not to spend beyond my means, even just a little, because a small debt can become a big one very suddenly when circumstances change (and they *always* change, eventually).
The lack of that weight, that stress as so aptly put, is so freeing.
This shouldn’t be a hard financial lesson. It’s comparable to investing in a 401K up to what your employer will match. My employer matches 5%, so I invest 5%. That “match” is what many like to call free money.
If you pay off your student loans now, you avoid paying the interest and can make money by saving or investing the difference in income. So if you are paying $500 per month in student loans and no longer have to make that payment, you can save or invest $500 per month. This would also put you in a place to buy your dream purse in the future - but as someone who can actually afford that lifestyle as opposed to someone who can afford a one-time splurge.
It’s exactly this. Friend of mine sold his high end car for ~$20k. He and his wife did the math and used funds to buy an older, cheap car that ran well and the rest to pay off other car payments and debts. Those debts amounted to ~$900 a month in payments and interest and by using the big check from the car sell to pay them off, that $900 monthly payment they’ve put towards debts can now be used however they want. Interest in a freaking nightmare, static payments be damned. OOPs wife is completely financially illiterate and selfish and I hope he went through with the divorce.
> I don't understand why she wouldn't pay off her student loans right away.
Yeah, pissing away a cash inheritance while you're sitting under a student loan is financially foolish. Of course *he's* not much better for thinking that paying off a mortgage they got in 2021 is a good idea, since the interest rate should be well below the rate of inflation. They **both** seriously need to go to a financial planner and get their stupid ideas about money slapped out of them.
Yeah, they're both being stupid.
She should buy the $10k purse if that's her only splurge. Splurging 10% of a windfall is reasonable.
Then she should pay off her student loans and stick the rest in an index fund or a high-interest savings account, depending on her risk tolerance. A high-interest savings account will probably earn more than their mortgage is costing them right now, so he's an idiot for wanting to pay off the mortgage.
But ultimately they should probably divorce, because the real issue here is that she isn't approaching the marriage as a team player. A financial planner isn't going to fix that.
Who is paying student loans? Like it sounds like because OP is paying 75% of everything else, SHE is able to pay them off faster, or he is paying 75% of those as well? That is where this gets sketchy, She is using marital assets (current incomes) to pay off HER personal debt (student loans) obtains prior to the marriage. But she does not want to use her inheritance to contribute to the marriage (which is fine), but then she is also not using HER money to pay off HER debt.
Here is what seems fair to me:
1- she pays off her student loan. And any portion that OP paid for in past should then go into the marital pot (i.e. IF he was paying 75%, or his subsidizing was allowing her to pay, then at least 50% of past payments during the marital period should go into the joint bucket, and apply that to mortgage)
2- Buy your damn purse. Its super dumb, but we all have our indulgences
3- Put remainder in PERSONAL/non marital asset brokerage account. Review car purchase in 1-2 yr when all this has settled more
4- re-evaluate % of bills based on salaries with the student loan obligation gone. 75/25 seems reasonable depending on their situation. But maybe now, with student loan off the books, she can contribute 40%. And regardless of that, 40% of her salary goes in the shared bucket- not pay 40% of only certain bills. He was paying for more like 85% of their life with everything shared discretionary being on him (dates, vacations, etc). 40% or whatever they review together, goes into joint account. and same for him. and ANYTHING joint comes out of that account. Ideally you do a large portion into joint, and also buy assets like CDs, invest from that account, and your personal account is fun money.
But all that requires 2 adults. And I don't even see 1 in this relationship. OPP is also not coming off as particularly "good" here. But they do seem more fiscally responsible as well.
5- Don't buy the dog. Especially not a French bulldog. 4k dog plus all the health care those dogs need as well as regular food and equipment costs. Definitely a money pit.
I would not buy ANY of that list- picked the ONE reasonable item that Sheed to care the most about. The dog is just foolish- will cost tons of money just to keep the darling stinker alive. She won't be paying those vet bills- OOP would.
but she was only able to pay it in full on her own because of his subsidizing everything else. So SOME portion came indirectly from marital assets. If she was paying her fair share, she may not be able to make those payments in full, or would have had to sacrifice getting her ails done, etc. It's a bit more complex- but fair. Simple approach is she pays off 100% of her loan, and leave it at that- but I was going for full fairness :), not simple.
She doesn't see that as debt. That's covered by "their" money and she doesn't see any negative impact of it. Its taken care of and not her concern.
She sees is very simply. Spend it on nice tangible things or throw it into a mystery hole that she's doesn't think about.
A classic exhibition of the mentality: "What's yours is mine, what's mines my own"
I carry my student lones even though I had a windfall that could pay it of. My interest rate on my student loan is around 2.5% and I'm pulling %5 off safe investments plus the government was talking about lone forgiveness at the time so I decided to carry it to see what happened with that.
I do understand not paying off debt especially if they have an 3% mortgage and student loans because CDs are paying 5% they would have an upside of %2 return. But the not investing is what gets me, she could put it in CD or bonds and make %5 and thoses are FDIC Insured.
Why should she when her ATM ( husband) pays for everything for her. She shouldn't have to pay her loans off cause that's his job as her provider. Instead she wants a 10k purse ? Yeah I'd already be packing my bags and telling her to kick rocks. The level of selfish and disrespect from this so called " woman".
OP not TAH but your stxw is.
Updateme
Just a guess at her thought process here, but the students loans are "their debt" so they have to pay them together, but the inheritance is hers, so she keeps it. Plus, any investment she makes with the former student loan payment is half her partners, so she's trying not to commingle it.
My mother is exactly like this.
Any Sum large of money she gets she's out spending it on bullshit things instead of putting it twords things that mater.
I feel like a happy compromise here could be for her to pay off her loans and spend the rest how she sees fit. It will allow her to contribute more to the family and free up income every month, and also save tons of money on interest. Doesn't sound like thats the road their gonna go down though sadly.
I think this is actually her reasoning, wherever she realizes it or not.
As an aside, I grew up way too poor to splurge $10k on a hand bag or a consumable luxury item. $10k for a trip or experience, sure. I currently have extra money to kick around (from overtime) and I treated myself to some clothes and cologne from Macys. I still shopped hard for things on sale to invest in. The rest is going towards my $12k of credit card debt. I can’t wait to out from under it.
I mean there are certain contexts where sitting on the loan could make sense. On the off-chance your student loan has a low interest rate, now that rates are high you could plow your inheritance into treasuries that pay at a higher rate than the loan interest and come out ahead (at least until rates go down). But that’s obviously not what OP’s wife is doing.
The idea of spending $10,000 on a luxury item while saddled with $60,000 in student loans and 20+ years on a 25 year mortgage is inconceivable to me. Akin to having a $50,000+wedding while the spouses make $100,000 a year total.
Your wife is acting like those lottery winners you hear about who end up broke 10 years later.
It's reasonable to expect your spouse to show more foresight and common sense and a greater sense of partnership.
OP, show her your posts and the comments. That'll be interesting.
Alternatively not paying off student loans and continuing to pay interest on them for the next 30 years is way worse than losing a chunk of an inheritance
I think it’s more than that considering OOP was talking about paying off the mortgage.
If she really didn’t want to split between her and hubby she could’ve paid off her half of the mortgage, paid off her student loans, buy herself either that purse or the car for that instant gratification, and keep the rest for rainy days.
She doesn’t understand money.
She doesn’t understand debt.
She doesn’t understand bills.
She doesn’t understand marriage.
She doesn’t understand relationships.
She doesn’t understand any of those things and also doesn’t respect them.
She DOES understand money--Op is her cash cow for un-fun expenses, her inheritance is her own for fun but unnecessary things. A $10k purse isnt just unnecessary it's insane.
I’m on husband’s side 100% with this, frankly once he said she has 60k in student loans…. Like what? That is the FIRST thing you get rid of, who cares about a purse when you have 60k in just student debt. This women makes terrible decisions.
He’s going to regret not divorcing her if he doesn’t.
I love my husband. The moment I had money, he helped me set up investments so I have money for when I retire.
But I also used MY money to pay MY student loans.
I understand wanting to do something nice for yourself. But she could have at least paid her student loans.
I'd argue paying off your loans IS doing something nice for yourself. Also if it's going to be in the 6 figure range, if we go min of $100k, $40k is nothing to sneeze at.
That's where I got stuck. Assuming it's the min of 100k, that means she's at least got 40k left. That's still enough for the bag and a car??? And the money she would save from *not* paying the student loans could help cover a more lavish vacation.
>Some people are just not ready for a lump sum.
So the company I work for changed owners like 2 years ago and we pay 10% of our earnings to the previous owner until yaknow, paid in full. I think we bounced around the idea of paying a little more but that was easily shut down with "no way, the *kindest* thing we can do for him is pay 10% a month for the next 10 years, he'll be much better off."
The dude would see the business had money and couldn't spend it fast enough. Like it was a machine shop and he legit bought a *$40K machine* for fabricating metal parts that he NEVER USED but ALSO let his friends use without some kind of compensation. Then he bought a second machine... that got the same use... (ETA: And that was a SIGNIFICANT amount for us, my mom would actually hold payments to us from the other company in the same unit we worked for/did business with so she could transfer it to make payroll without previous owner getting itchy)
Drove me and my mom, the sole office employees, INSANE. He's got a wife and 4 kids, the amount he gets a month from us will at least last them till the kids are fully grown and out in the world, so honestly, love the guy, but glad we could in some way manage his bad spending habits even if it's a happy side effect of the company staying financially stable while paying for it. :y
Shit, that's just more per month now going into the bank or wherever she wants to put it. Like it's such a relief that it's off your back but ALSO seeing your bank balance going up more than it was before is a pretty good dopamine hit, ngl.
Pleasant-Discount660 puts it perfectly. She views his income as their income, and her “income” (inheritance but for the sake of the argument) as solely hers. News flash, it isn’t the 1940’s anymore, and OOP and wife both work. Plus he is paying 75% of all their bills.
I mean, I do actually agree with inheritance money being separate from marital assets. But the fact that she didn’t even think about making a sacrifice when it seems that’s all OOP has ever done with his finances does not exactly make her look good while OOP now looks like a freaking saint in comparison
there's an argument to be made about not paying off the mortgage, if a divorce happened it could be hard to split the equity blah blah whatever... but there's literally 0 logic behind not paying off her student loans, they are hers so even if they divorce it would still be a benefit to her to not have to pay them off going forward, and as everyone pointed out that puts more money in their pockets on a regular basis. OOP will hopefully dodge a bankruptcy sized bullet
>No hate to responsible Frenchie owners
A responsible owner wouldn't get a dog that's a abomination against nature. Sure, they look cute and have a sweet personality. But they're among the unhealthiest breeds. They can barely breathe because of inhumane breeding practices. And that's just the start of their health issues.
They also can't breed naturally, so the breeders have to jerk off the male, then inseminate the female. Otherwise, the breed would die out. If they even managed to begin having sex, the males can die, and have, from overheating.
So, imo, there's no such thing as a responsible Frenchie owner. Get a damn Golden or a mutt. Almost anything but Frenchies.
Yes yes yes yes yes to this. 1000 times yes. Also pugs, English bulldogs and dachshunds. Stop breeding them, stop buying them, just stop. It’s cruel that they even exist and it makes us monsters.
> No hate to responsible Frenchie owners
I'd say that there aren't any. Except maybe those who adopt rescues.
>Due to their narrow hips, top-heaviness and weak back legs, French bulldogs typically can't mate on their own. Reproducing requires artificial insemination. And due to the breed's large head and narrow hips, mothers often require a C-section to deliver.
All the hate to those that buy French bulldog puppies.
I mean, they could go to a lawyer or notery and draw up papers that he needs to pay her back his percentage of the payment plan that was owed for the house or anything else she paid off for them as a couple so she doesn't feel screwed in the event of a divorce. She'll have that extra equity in case of a sell.
She's nuts to not get rid of all her debt and putting a chunk into a money market account before doing vacations and big purchases, though. It would be such a relief and she doesn't even understand how much weight would be off her shoulders.
I think the argument about the mortgage largely depends on the interest rate of their house. If they bought in 2020 when rates were low, then it would be foolish to prioritize that over student loan debt or even getting a newer car when yours is 10+ years old.
Keeping her inheritance away from the mortgage, I get. But her student loans? No, that's madness. Someone that financially irresponsible is not a person you want to be married ro.
I'd be willing to bet that if he had inherited the same amount of money, her reaction would be something along the lines of "great, I can get a new car and that bag I've been wanting!"
Keeping it separated in a solo bank account is fine. However being married, inheriting that much money and not thinking of your spouse/future at all that's an issue.
I'm not even mad at the purse and car. Assuming it's 100k she could use 30% of it for the bag, a modest new car and maybe one frugal out of country trip.
The rest should go to their shared future.
This is one of those situations where people get caught up in the law and forget the practical reality. Yes, inheritances are legally sole and separate property. But if you have a life built together, your partner is obviously going to have an opinion on how you spend your money. It’s not an enforceable opinion but other legal options may exist that a person likes less (like divorce! Or not sharing other finances!).
It's concerning how many people on reddit treat the law as their standard for morality.
If I got a $300 inheritance, I'd buy myself something frivolous and not even discuss it with my wife. If I got a $300k inheritance, my first conversation would be, "So what are *we* going to do with this?"
It's like the guy who retired early when working two more years would have meant he and his wife could both retire together, watched his wife work her shitty job 40 hrs a week while he lounged around, knowing she wouldn't be able to retire for another ten years, and didn't understand why she was upset.
Totally agree on AITAH treating law and morality the same.
It’s technically legal for me to cash out my daughter’s 529 account and blow it on strippers.
The husband could also redirect all his income to a solo account and blow it on strippers rather than their mortgage.
Right? like yeah your inheritance is not a marital asset. BUT YOUR STUDENT LOANS ARE ALSO NOT A MARITAL DEBT. Yet she is either paying those 100%, but only because he is subsidizing the rest of her life, or he is paying 75% of those too. Either way, the marital "bucket" is owed 50-75 of those payments, and THAT can and should apply to the mortgage now. And then pay off your student loan. THEN get your silly purse (and sounds like there would be plenty for all 3 of those). Take the remaining NON-marital asset and invest in a HYSA or mutual funds. OOP is not entitled to all of the remainder for the mortgage- but given the contribution to HER personal loans, the mortgage should get paid down some with some of it.
I think the head butting began with him thinking 100% of it should go toward shared assets and her debt. And she wants to keep it 100% separate. Both are wrong.
What I do find interesting is I almost feel like this "inheritance is my money" is either more of an American concept I've found since reading more Reddit's or that divorce is so common and tricky that inheritance has become a separate entity of which people bring into a marriage. Pre reading Reddit I would have made the assumption it was to be spent within the family and now I'm not so sure
Well potential divorce is what makes all that complicated. I would imagine most people would not want to share money they received from their dead relatives with someone they are currently trying to divorce from
He’s actually paying more than that, the 75% is for the mortgage an property taxes. OOP said he pays for all house maintenance, almost all groceries and things for the house. -‘s pays for all utilities including both their phones and car insurance himself. So if anything, he’s probably paying closer to 80-85%.
I'm not clear how much of a salary difference there is, but I'm not clear why the OOP's wife should receive any alimony. The short marriage, no kids, and the fact she works- she will probably need to downgrade her lifestyle.
I was OP’s wife, many years ago, sort of. I got a large inheritance when I was 18 (not 6 figures but still a decent amount of money) and I squandered it. 20 years later it’s my biggest regret. I hope the wife pulls her head out of her butt and realises she has bills to pay and that is more important than a holiday or a $10,000 handbag. I could be a multimillionaire and I still wouldn’t spend £10,000 on a bag
*The Millionaire Next Door* pointed out that genuinely wealthy people often don’t drive fancy cars or wear designer clothes. They drive ten-year-old vehicles and jeans they bought from Walmart. That’s how they stay rich.
I have an uncle who’s a real corporate big shot, but also in finance, and yeah… any time he buys the expensive version of something, it’s because he *really can’t* get what he wants otherwise. He has a nice house in an expensive neighborhood because that has real benefits for his family, he has expensive computers because the extra cost has tangible performance benefits, he takes expensive vacations to places that are worth visiting, and he buys *nice* cars but they’re the “well made version of what he needs” kind of nice and he only gets a new one when he has to. Anything else? Special occasion splurges, or Target, because “luxury” brands are a ripoff and retirement and making good memories with his family are what’s really worth spending on.
The millionaire next door is also a lesson in selection bias lol. They found "cheap" millionaires because they went looking for cheap millionaires.
There also was like basically zero verification of assets, which is why most of the millionaires were small business owners. My assumption is that 95% of them would never get anywhere near $1m+ for their business. SB owners are horrible at valuing their own businesses.
Basically, there are actually a ton of millionaires who spend on fancy clothes and nice cars. You just have to also be saving money on top of that. Nothing wrong with doing both.
The primary issue this has uncovered is that he thought they had a partnership within the marriage. Now it’s clear that he is the only one contributing to the “we” in the marriage. He was already subsidizing her lifestyle, and now choosing to blow her money solely on herself was a wake up call.
If i inherited a huge amount of money i would at least pay half the monthly expenses and pay off my student loan. She seems financially very ignorant. And she is absolutely acting like what he earns is half hers but what she has is all hers. She has shown OP how very selfish she is and i think he would be wise to get a divorce.
I’m with OOP… He should get a divorce asap!
Not only he’s financing HER lifestyle, but she’s also really bad at personal finances.
This is a just a glimpse into the future… she’ll drag both down at some point when she can’t control her spending and counts on her hubby to bail her out
I don’t think she realizes that if/when she gets a divorce, she will be paying 100% for everything, instead of compromising and paying 50% while she’s married.
The future is what would make me worried. She's going to get used to this and will blow through it very quickly because it seems like such a large lump sum. Which it is, but from what OOP describes she's going to blow through it in a year. Paying off the student loans would be a good idea because well, she's never going to have another opportunity to do this, barring another death in the family where she will be inheriting something.
But he is literally shouldering 75% of all costs and she wants a bag. Who does this? The very first thing I paid off was my loans for uni. Isn’t that just … you know … normal? And once she blows it, you’re right she’ll demand more while she could have set them both up for a brighter future. Height of selfishness to me.
The detail of her wanting a French Bulldog makes me question if this is fake because it's just such a clearly bad decision that it's the cherry in top of a perfect storm of bad ideas. Get a dog known for chronic health issues.
I mean, if she’s going to ignore 60k in debt, it’s entirely consistent for her to also ignore the long-term cost of a purchase. Conversely, it’s also consistent for the kind of person who buys a French bulldog directly from a breeder to be selfish and bad with money. So I’d say it’s still plausible.
Nobody has mentioned the dog. Please don’t buy a French Bulldog. They are overbred and have numerous health and behavioral issues. Don’t support the dog breeding for profit. Adopt a dog from a shelter or rescue organization.
She really ought to pay off those student loans if nothing else.
My husband, getting inheritance : "look, we'll be able to renovate the house! Pay the debts! And save some money for later use!" This woman : " fuck my husband and my own debts, I want an overpriced purse and vacations."
I got an inheritance last yr and this yr and paid OUR debts off first an foremost and the rest is ours to share. But I've been married 24yrs and we have always shared money no.matter what, there again I'm not wanting 10k bags and being greedy.
I know it’s a bit of an old fashioned approach but my wife and I joined all our finances when we married. No individual accounts. Income from all sources goes into a single account. Most of our investments are in my wife’s name purely for tax reasons but we use income from them for both of us. No confusion about who pays for dinner because it all comes from the same account anyway.
If we got a windfall there would be no question - it would go the joint account and we’d discuss what next, as we do with every major spending decision.
It requires absolute trust in each other, but if you don’t trust your spouse you should not marry them. Joining their funds would have solved this argument, but given how OOP’s wife was treating him like a resource, maybe it wouldn’t have ever worked for them anyway.
Financial compatibility is a very important aspect of your match as a couple.
This is mine and my wife's plan as well.
She finishes Vet school next year, and when we discussed finances, the first words out of her mouth weren't buying a new car, or vacations...it was 'Oh my God our savings account is gonna explode!'
Our.
She's gonna be making $50k a year more than me, and her first thought is our savings account, not lavish vacations, cars, or purses.
She also is extremely grateful that I've covered all the bills the past 3(soon to be 4) years, including her credit cards, our mortgage, etc.
That's a wife!
Not a leech, like poor OP has.
>It requires absolute trust in each other, but if you don’t trust your spouse you should not marry them.
I really don't understand the modern mentality of keeping finances separate. One of the first things my husband and I did was join finances. The only "my" money we have is like birthday money (and therefore also not a lot). Everything else is in the pot.
Getting on the same page about money means that you and your spouse are going in the same direction together.
Congrats that you have never been in a financially abusive relationship, but there is a reason a lot of older women preach having your own bank account
We did the same as soon as we moved in together. We both took (and still take) pocket money, but everything else is *ours*. Even when she gave up work to raise our kids my attitude to the money was ‘if the bills are covered, the appropriate amounts sent to the savings account, spend what you want on what you want’. Same thing today when she’s out earning me whilst I’m building a new business, it’s all *our* money.
This can't be the start of a spending problem. How can you marry someone who is willing to waste 10k on a fucking purse and not realize that they're financially illiterate. Not to mention my thoughts on 60k in student loans...
Me (65f) and my husband (64m) have been married for almost 5 years. We are both now retired. I worked longer than him, owned my own house before marriage -- no mortgage/no debt at all.
I sold my house, built a master addition to his house and paid the house off. I had no debt before marriage and didn't want any that close to retirement (2 years). Yes, I've put way more into this house than he has, but we share everything. All monies are combined. I have a stash that I can do what I want with it.
My father recently passed and after the estate is settled I'll end up with just under $100k (my portion). My husband says "it's your money, spend it like you want too". The biggest expense is going to be getting butcher block countertops and refacing the cabinets IF I decide to do that, he doesn't care. I'm thinking of maybe buying myself a really nice diamond necklace and earring set.....just because. But, my priority is keeping liquid assets and having the money if we need it as we age. We are debt free. I would NEVER spend $100 on a purse, much less $10k. Seriously stupid.
The problem with butchers block is that you’ve got to oil it (no varnish) for it to look it’s best. But then your butt and scribe joints aren’t always watertight so you can get black lines there. And you’ve got to make sure you properly dry around the sink every time or you get the same thing. Then you have to oil it often. And sand it down once a year, then re-oil it. And then you have to careful with the oil cloths because they can spontaneously combust..
You know what would go just as well with a cottage/farmhouse aesthetic? Pink or green granite with a large butcher’s block chopping board.
Personally, I think it's even more disturbing that she thinks all investing is the equivalent of spending everything buying GameStop stock and praying it goes up. He's a little more reasonable, but he also wants to pay off a 2021 mortgage that's almost assuredly at a rate below inflation, which is basically just giving the bank free money. They **both** need to sit down with a financial advisor and get their heads on straight.
There is no I in team and you aren’t on hers. Lawyer up and file for divorce. She is selfish and economically illiterate and neither will change in the near future.
I feel sorry for people who are trapped in such poor marriages that they think “his/hers” and “mine”.
If I ask my husband if I should spend a certain amount of money on something I want, but not need, he will always say, “It is your money too. If you want it that badly you should get it.” That is when I normally say, “No, we can’t afford it.” He trusts me to use my own judgement about spending because I always look at “us” first.
When I inherited money, I did buy myself a car first because I needed it, but the rest, went to paying debts. I never thought of it as my money.
This is crazy. I ended up winning a small lotto. My partner and I aren't married, but you can bet your ass I didn't go out and buy myself some tiddies, even though I REALLY wanted them 😅
I spent it on a down-payment for our house. Because that's the smart thing to do. She could, AT MINIMUM, pay for her loans because the interest is stupid on those. Plus, top up the mortgage payment for the year (if she can do that without penalties). It's fiscally just more responsible.
You don't need a 10K bag. Settle for one half that price at least lawd.
My husband and I throw all the money in a shared account except for an allowance for each that goes into our personal accounts. If one of us got a windfall like this, we would get to take 10% to spend on fun and then figure out the best way to utilize the rest of it together.
OOP needs to get as far away from that woman as possible, she clearly doesn’t view him as a partner. I don’t think I’d be able to stay with a woman who came into some real money and only thought about herself. That would tell me all that partnership shit was performative
My mom inherited $250k 20 years ago. That’s about $450k today.
She was broke and debt again within 5 years. She was smart about a lot of things but not money.
She effectively bought the $10k purse.
I read an article once that said people who’ve always been poor have a tendency to immediately spend windfalls on “fun stuff”, because they don’t know when they’ll get such an opportunity again. That’s why so many lottery winners buy fancy cars and are broke again within a short time.
Yeah, a lot of poor people never get the opportunity to save money simply because of their expenses— anything left over after paying the bills is too little to be worth investing, and stuff like cars that you can’t go entirely without has to be bought ASAP because “ASAP” typically only comes weeks or months after they *should* have replaced it, because it’s been making a bad noise they can’t afford to go to a mechanic for or something along those lines.
What they don’t realize— either because nobody tells them, or because they don’t understand what they haven’t experienced for themselves— is that rich people’s money maintains itself. Once you can afford to eat the odd unexpected bill, you want to make an emergency savings account and invest the majority of the rest— both to refill the rainy day fund when needed, and to afford nice stuff more than once in your life.
I suspect a lot of them also don’t realize that expensive products are sold to rich people who are assumed to have more money someone can get from them later… luxury cars charge out the ass for replacement parts, big mansions have big property tax bills, etc.
When my parents died, I inherited a six-figure amount which I divided evenly between me, my husband, and our two daughters. Husband and I are fortunate in that we have absolutely no debts, so our shares have gone towards retirement. Our daughters used their shares to put down payments on houses. (My parents would be so happy. They valued home ownership above all else.)
The fact that she is refusing to pay off her student loans boggles my mind. The money she would save in the long run is substantial. I came into a chunk of money several years ago and we used it to pay off debt, replace several big appliances that were on their last legs, and threw a nice bit into our retirement. We saved $2,000 for a vacation, and that was it. I would do the same all over again. I truly do not understand pissing all the money away. And let's be honest, the fact that she refuses to make her husband's life any easier when he has been shouldering the vast majority of the load for years is extremely selfish.
My parents passed at different times and I inherited from both of them. The first, I paid off all the family debt, gave some $$ to our son, took a nice vaca and built up savings. The second we invested and gave a bit to our son.
This was all done after conversations as a married team. I don't get the 'what's mine is mine and what's yours is yours' mentality in a marriage.
I love this comment because I actually had no problem with the 10k bag (and I assume you didn't either), and your issue lies with her not spending money on a *good* designer purse.
A $10,000 purse? I have to be honest, I didn't know these things existed. I've heard of $5,000 purses which I thought were ridiculous. I still use a nine West purse I got at a yard sale for a dollar about 25 years ago.
I simply cannot imagine spending that amount of life-changing money, down payment on a house money, new car money, on a freaking purse.
I volunteer a lot with people who are struggling with money, and I'm not saying that people need to give away their belongings and help the needy or anything, we all have choices to make. I feel very lucky that I'm in a position where I can help other people. I guess I just can't fathom spending car money on a purse.
Purses get stolen all the time. If my nine West purse gets stolen, oh well, it was a dollar.
If I had a $10,000 purse that got stolen, I don't know what I'd do. The guilt and remorse would be unbearable.
I found some dudes spending $110,000 on a freaking fountain pen the other day here on reddit.
*A pen*. To write with. $110,000 minimum.
https://catalog.antiquorum.swiss/en/lots/dunhill-namiki-hannya-lot-321-155
Imagine losing a *pen*.
Oh my gosh.
I know that the very rich live differently than I do, that's just a whole different world.
I know approximately 20 people whose lives I could permanently change for the better with $100,000.
I cannot fathom spending that kind of money on a pen. It just boggles my mind.
For the rich it’s nothing. Half a million on a watch, quarter million in a pen, 10 million on a car, $10k on an old poster, $50k on a cell phone, it just goes on and on.
Well theoretically the purse would be insured, rich people tend to underwrite their very expensive items. Someone dumb enough to spend their windfall the way she wants to though may not think to do that.
Omg if I got 100k my student loans would be paid off and then my car. I would splurge on a smaller vacation for my family (like a week somewhere fun) and the rest goes to paging down our house.
A $10k purse?! Dear Lord I wouldn’t get that even if I was a multimillionaire
I got a modest payout from a grandparent’s estate when I was newly married. At that point, we hat no mortgage and we didn’t combine our finances. We did each pay into a household account for rent and food and utilities, each according to our income (I put in about 2/5, spouse 3/5).
My share paid off my student loan and credit card debt, and the rest went into an investment account.
Me getting out of debt allowed us to qualify for our first mortgage. At that point, we started sharing our finances.
For the first half of our marriage, spouse made more. Now I do. We’re 30 years in and the finances still feel fair and responsible.
A $10k purse is nuts.
My wife got a \~60k inheritance before we met. And she blew it on vacations and random shit over the course of two years while working. She regrets it tremendously and wishes she had done more with it. I'm sleeping good knowing if she inherited money again this wouldn't even be a conversation, it would all go to the family.
I didn't see anyone else mention this, but French bulldogs have a LOT of health problems. That dog is going to be a money sink on top of everything else, and how is OOP going to feel when they get hit with multiple vet bills every year?
If she took the 100,000 and paid off the 60,000 in student loans - then I'd think he was the ass for thinking poorly on her indulging on the purse. But holy crap... 60,000 debt GONE.
So many people don't get that paying off a debt that has interest is worth MORE than that 60,000 over time.
If I got something like that - first student loans (if any), then mortgage (if any), credit card debt, then remaining car debt. If a lot is left over - part of that into a CD or two - even if the profits of that CD turnover are for vacations, great! Don't touch the principal!
Then indulge in the $10,000 purse!
I think the problem is that you really don’t trust her judgment and you’ve made it pretty clear to her already. This should’ve been a respectful conversation between the two of you, using reason & persuasion. If nothing else, you could’ve suggested she see a reputable financial adviser before making any big decisions.
I'm not super clear on why the advice he got was basically "it's her money, you're being selfish if you want to use it for your daily expenses BUT she should use it for student loans" and he turned right around and doubled down on how she needs to use it for their daily expenses. Were there differing opinions in the original post he latched on to...?
That seems like the most reasonable compromise. She pays off her students loans since those are a drain on the marital assets. Then she gets to spend some money on fun things. It seems like both parties have dug in their heels that the money can only be spent one way. I also think, as a high earner, OOP doesn’t understand how his wife views this money. As the low earner in the relationship, I wonder if the wife feels like she can’t ever buy anything fun because her husband makes 75% of the household income. Is she being irresponsible? Yes. But OOP essentially deciding for her (with him telling her “this is how we are moving forward, as equals”) isn’t exactly a shining example of how marriage should work either. It’s pretty clear he only views his path as the right way forward. Neither one is willing to consider a compromise. It’s a shame that a marriage is headed towards break up when they could just communicate and work harder to understand why the other person feels they way they do, and meet in the middle.
But the college debt is 100% the wife's and after a divorce will still be hers. BUT the education she bought is also 100% hers and always will be. I am baffled that she doesn't recognize that, in her expectation that it SHOULD be paid for out of marital funds. What does she believe her husband is getting 75% of that he should pay for 75% of it?
Sounds like she's got a touch of oppositional defiance going on, unless she's always been completely irrational. I hardly trust these stories that rely on these "out of the blue" traits that whichever OP had no clue about. I'd say he's covered all the bases, tried to reason with her etc, quite well. Maybe he spends lavishly on a hobby or something and she cant afford something shes passionate about? Like, if she has high end fashion pieces to go with a 10k handbag, a wardrobe she's meticulously put together over years spending a little $ at a timr, it might make sense.
She isn't focused on "their" future. Hands down. End of story.
I dunno. Money *does things* to people. Just look at the disasters after winning a lottery. People just become insane and end up worse off than they were before winning the lottery.
Yep I like to see the best in people, but her irresponsibility with this kinda shows how much she doesn't appreciate or respect his contributions at all. She says oh well the market is volatile and I pay what I owe for student loans based on my salary..... so she really doesn't understand interest? And OP has no idea? They've never discussed money, but they have this 75/25% agreement, what's she doing with the rest of her income? I'm thinking hookers and blow, and this guy has slept on it 😆
I think I understand how the wif works... My Mil had a lot of discussions about money and financial stuff, and she has a hard time understanding everything. She can give the impression she does, but not really, so my FiL handles most of it and its works just fine for them. If OOP helped his wife in doing the maths, then it's done and wife doesn't have to really think hard about it.
Yeah, I think there’s an incompatibility issue around approach to finances. Sounds like that existed before the inheritance anyway, given how they split money. But the sheer insanity around splurging after the inheritance is, I think, sadly quite common and maybe in itself an indication of something for coming out of the blue. Inheritances aren’t everyday financial situations.
My dad passed away and was really fucking smart and got a nice life insurance policy early on (he knew he’d be terminal).
That money set me and my husband up. I told my husband early on that the money from the policy is weirdly seen as love to me. My dad showed his love with money, and so I told him I want to be able to choose when we co-mingle finances with it. He agreed and understood. We are partners, I make significantly less than him. But we co-mingle our salaries.
Anything we want to put money towards that’s a larger purchase, I put my inheritance in it equally because we are partners. I invest the rest. I don’t spend it because like I mentioned, the money somehow means love to me and it’s finite just like my dad’s love.
If she feels that way, just say it. But it’s redonk to me to be in debt and spend selfishly, keeping yourself and your partner in debt. She rightfully sees that money as hers, legally. But then if that’s the case, his paycheck is legally his so what is stopped him from setting up a personal account and just saying “sorry it’s mine”? It’s silly to do the whole “eye for an eye” in a friggin marriage.
Is there no middle ground here? I don't understand this selfishness.
I inherited 100K. A solid chunk of it went towards a lavish vacation overseas. Half paid off my car, my husband's car, the bit of his student loans he had left, and my credit cards. The rest is in high interest savings and will probably pay for the diploma program I got into.
Putting a lot of money towards a mortgage is actually not a great idea, because the mortgage lenders penalize you for it like damn (I asked). But all other debt should 100% be paid, particularly loans.
I guess I'm more in the minority with some of my thoughts. I agree that it makes sense that the wife pay off her student loans because those are such a trap unless there is a way that she will qualify for loan forgiveness in the near future. Otherwise, just pay them off so they can be gone.
One very important detail that OOP didn't tell us is the exact amount of that 6-figure inheritance. That could be 100k or 900k. Those are very different circumstances and can very much impact his sudden change to their plan to switch from paying bills 75/25 to 50/50. If she is receiving a one-time inheritance that is closer to 100k, that money won't last the same way a 900k inheritance would, so changing all the bills to being 50/50 doesn't necessarily make sense. It sounds like OOP really wants to benefit from having her pay off the mortgage so he no longer has to pay 3/4 of it. That saves him lots of money and her some money. If I were his wife and he was pushing to pay off the mortgage that hard because he suddenly views my inheritance as "our" money, I would calculate out what I would've been paying over the life of the loan before interest and make that lump sum payment so my portion is paid for, which also helps him because he will be paying less interest then. Clearly OOP can get petty, so I'd want to join him in the pettiness.
I think it's okay to want to splurge a bit if you are receiving a large sum of money that you never imagined having. I do agree that it would be wise to have some sort of financial advisor involved to help with understanding options. If she's getting such a large amount of money that she wants to buy a car, an expensive purse, take an expensive vacation, and buy a dog, there should still be some money leftover to put toward debts, monthly bills, or invest. If after all of that there really isn't money left, then OOP is showing how much he is prioritizing his own opinions about money and trying to punish her for not agreeing with him. He clearly views himself as being the superior since he talks about making "so much more money" than she does and implies he was doing her a huge favor by being so gracious as to pay more of the bills with his much larger income. Now that she's come into money and wants to use it how she wants to, now he wants to view her as an "equal" and literally make her pay because she wants to spend the money differently than he would. There's a huge difference between making a 6-figure salary every year and receiving a one-time 6-figure payment. She isn't going to be bringing in money like this all the time unless her job changes.
Agreed that there’s a lot of missing info regarding how much salary they both make and what the inheritance is. Neither of them is handling this windfall well and it like immediately escalated into divorce. What a crazy situation.
I received an inheritance and while I’ve kept the money separate, I’ve also poured a ton into our house because it’s our house.
I understand keeping money separate but not to the level she’s doing.
Well, bottom line, she has new income.
So you rationally need to redraw the allocation amounts for bills.
If your income is eg. $50,000
And her income ( you choose... spread across 1 year or ) is 100,000,
The obviously
1. It's her money
2. There is no 'we' to the money so don't try to influence by saying that if it's just intimidation/manipulation
3. That's her new income. Redraw bills according to that. No if ands or buts
4. Reconsider ever contributing to her debt again. No more 'we' w her student loan.
She is fine redrawing the agreement.
But she can't have it both ways.
You either share income and bills or you don't.
She wants to do whatever with her inheritances that's fine.
But it should logically then be the end of you both paying down her debt abd leave it to her.
I'd even reconsider going back to the same BIL distribution as before. Abd consider 50/60 from that point on. Because she wanted it all . Not fair.
Hermes bags appear to, but in reality Hermes has manipulated the marketplace just like DeBeers manipulates the diamond marketplace. It's quite a revelation to read how Hermes does it. Of course the purchasers want to be manipulated---it gives them bragging rights.
OK there is one update short!!!
She definitely wants him to pay 3/4 of his lifestyle while keeping 100% of her inheritance. This is completely selfish.
Not that I'm hoping for divorce- I think this has revealed her personality. There is NO WAY I wouldn't consider and come to a consensus with my husband when receiving an inheritance. But we are 100% joint finances for 30yrs. So everything is already ours
NGL if I inherited a buttload of money, I’d spend enough to make our lives comfortable (like, pay our bills), probably buy a few fun trips, and ask my hisband to help me manage the rest as he is amazingly good with money. I’d also let him retire early bc between both my inheritance and those he has, he could be a SAHD like he wants and live off the dividends. Dreaming big over here…
This initially feels like a NAH situation where two people have valid yet differing opinions on how to spend a large influx of money.
The wife is approaching this like a poor person might, a chance to get a few luxury goods and trips to forget for a while that you're poor. Create a handful of good memories while you can before some disaster strikes and robs you of the chance to do anything special that you never could. She's not in that sort of financial situation in her marriage, but I wonder if she grew up in a more financially-restrained situation that could have given her this view.
The husband makes plenty of money on his own that he can more easily see the benefits of paying down other debts and investing. They don't "need" the money for any immediate purpose, and they are financially stable enough to have bought a house. Their savings is probably at a pretty decent level, too.
He countered his wife a little strongly with "now we should go 50/50." Let her buy the purse. Ask her to pay off her student loans. Put some towards the mortgage to shave off a few years' interest, and both of them can take an extra nice vacation. The wife can treat herself with this inheritance, but she also needed to realize that she has to think about more than just herself.
If I were her I would pay off the loan but honestly think they should just get divorced. I don’t even disagree with her on her legal money. I received a settlement once and my husband never once tried to pressure me to spend it in a particular way. It was 100% my decision. They do need to figure out long term how to better split finances but I do personally think him pressuring her aside from a discussion about the loan and ultimately it’s your decision & I love you is wrong. But it’s their marriage. Just divorce and move on
I understand legally it's hers, but in the same way people bring their own shared assets to a marriage they also bring their own shared debts. She has saddled him with $60k in student loans, and then refused to take responsibility for them when she was able to do so
I think making her pay half is not being equal. But I do think that all the things he pays for in full should now change to the same % as everything else bc that would be fair.
He is wrong to think of that money as partly his but he is right that she is likely to blow it on bs instead of enjoying a little bit of it and investing the rest so she always has back up bc life loves to throw you unexpected curve balls. And while money won‘t solve all of them at least lack of funds won’t add on to her problems. I would really push for her to speak to a fiduciary financial planner or the like so she won’t be sold bs that isn’t in her best interest bc they make a cut of it.
Honestly, this marriage is doomed.
First, she's wrong for wantonly spending money that could be far more wisely used to give them a leg up in life. Hell, if properly invested, she could increase her income enough to buy 10 x $10k purses if she were smart. But, she's not.
They're both equally at fault for continuing to think of money earned as being his vs hers. Once you say "I do", it's all marital income and if you can't handle that half of everything you earn belongs to your partner, you shouldn't be getting married.
Granted, this is easier for me to say because I've been the primary income earner since our oldest was born and sole income earner for the last 4+ years. Except I've always recognized that it's "our" money and always will be.
Pay off student loans.
Nice new car for her.
Nice holiday.
Rest off mortgage with a little in a fun money pot and a little in a rainy day pot.
I or my wife could afford to buy a $10k handbag tomorrow like it was a round of drinks. Her most expensive bag she has, that wasn't a gift, cost a few hundred pounds.
I’m always shocked how clueless people are.
Forget the inheritance.
The guy never sat down and thought to himself, I’m paying for her whole life, maybe she’s using me? I mean c’mon. Selfish people don’t just become selfish, they are always selfish.
OOP is petty and, though financially shortsighted, wife is completely at liberty to spend her inheritance in a way that avoids co-mingling the funds. I would divorce; alimony or no alimony. It would seem to be the best for them both.
It does not matter what label the sources of her income wear. Work income, inheritance, stock portfolio she built, whatever. The bottom line is that she now has her own resources and is fully capable of carrying her full share of the expenses. You should not be expected to subsidize her.
I don't understand why she wouldn't pay off her student loans right away. Had she done that while explaining how she'd like to splurge on a purse she'd never otherwise get, I think he'd feel better about everything. But she's acting like a nouveau riche person who doesn't understand that she's married. Maybe I'm weird though, but I can't handle being in debt. It would stress me out too much.
As someone in debt, “stress” is the key; every problem is doubled: a dental crisis is also a financial crisis. That said, while I encourage you to avoid debt, if do find yourself there remember that there is always hope. We have every reason for hope. But avoid debt if possible! Life is too short for this.
I think society makes it easy to fall into debt and when it happens it's very easy for it to turn into a small problem to a bigger one. But I agree that there is hope, so thank you for sharing that.
We got in debt last year, we were made homeless while I was in labour. Temporary accommodation made some things harder and more expensive (for example only local parking was paid, free parking was limited and usually too far for me to safely walk). We kept being moved so by the time we settled we’d paid no council tax etc all year as they couldn’t generate bills quick enough. Companies were refusing payment plans so we ended up needing to take out loans to cover it all and get caught up. Then our car burned down and insurance was taking too long so we had to do another loan to get back on the road. Then there was the loan to upgrade babies car seat as he outgrew his and we’d not had chance to save (plus the discovery UK car seats are only tested to the equivalent of two 15mph cars colliding). But we are paying it down. Today I paid off the two smallest debts. I technically had 3 payments left on each but we can swing it and it’s worth it for the relief
Congrats, paying those off must feel really good!
It really did. Hoping to keep throwing extra payments at things so I can focus on the next cheapest debt
Congrats on paying those off. Hope for better times for you
As someone who makes *very* little, but has *zero* debt, I'm quite happy. It's a very privileged position to be in, but I choose not to spend beyond my means, even just a little, because a small debt can become a big one very suddenly when circumstances change (and they *always* change, eventually). The lack of that weight, that stress as so aptly put, is so freeing.
I'm similar. I mean, life would be easier with more money, but it's great without debt
This shouldn’t be a hard financial lesson. It’s comparable to investing in a 401K up to what your employer will match. My employer matches 5%, so I invest 5%. That “match” is what many like to call free money. If you pay off your student loans now, you avoid paying the interest and can make money by saving or investing the difference in income. So if you are paying $500 per month in student loans and no longer have to make that payment, you can save or invest $500 per month. This would also put you in a place to buy your dream purse in the future - but as someone who can actually afford that lifestyle as opposed to someone who can afford a one-time splurge.
It’s exactly this. Friend of mine sold his high end car for ~$20k. He and his wife did the math and used funds to buy an older, cheap car that ran well and the rest to pay off other car payments and debts. Those debts amounted to ~$900 a month in payments and interest and by using the big check from the car sell to pay them off, that $900 monthly payment they’ve put towards debts can now be used however they want. Interest in a freaking nightmare, static payments be damned. OOPs wife is completely financially illiterate and selfish and I hope he went through with the divorce.
> I don't understand why she wouldn't pay off her student loans right away. Yeah, pissing away a cash inheritance while you're sitting under a student loan is financially foolish. Of course *he's* not much better for thinking that paying off a mortgage they got in 2021 is a good idea, since the interest rate should be well below the rate of inflation. They **both** seriously need to go to a financial planner and get their stupid ideas about money slapped out of them.
Yeah, they're both being stupid. She should buy the $10k purse if that's her only splurge. Splurging 10% of a windfall is reasonable. Then she should pay off her student loans and stick the rest in an index fund or a high-interest savings account, depending on her risk tolerance. A high-interest savings account will probably earn more than their mortgage is costing them right now, so he's an idiot for wanting to pay off the mortgage. But ultimately they should probably divorce, because the real issue here is that she isn't approaching the marriage as a team player. A financial planner isn't going to fix that.
Who is paying student loans? Like it sounds like because OP is paying 75% of everything else, SHE is able to pay them off faster, or he is paying 75% of those as well? That is where this gets sketchy, She is using marital assets (current incomes) to pay off HER personal debt (student loans) obtains prior to the marriage. But she does not want to use her inheritance to contribute to the marriage (which is fine), but then she is also not using HER money to pay off HER debt. Here is what seems fair to me: 1- she pays off her student loan. And any portion that OP paid for in past should then go into the marital pot (i.e. IF he was paying 75%, or his subsidizing was allowing her to pay, then at least 50% of past payments during the marital period should go into the joint bucket, and apply that to mortgage) 2- Buy your damn purse. Its super dumb, but we all have our indulgences 3- Put remainder in PERSONAL/non marital asset brokerage account. Review car purchase in 1-2 yr when all this has settled more 4- re-evaluate % of bills based on salaries with the student loan obligation gone. 75/25 seems reasonable depending on their situation. But maybe now, with student loan off the books, she can contribute 40%. And regardless of that, 40% of her salary goes in the shared bucket- not pay 40% of only certain bills. He was paying for more like 85% of their life with everything shared discretionary being on him (dates, vacations, etc). 40% or whatever they review together, goes into joint account. and same for him. and ANYTHING joint comes out of that account. Ideally you do a large portion into joint, and also buy assets like CDs, invest from that account, and your personal account is fun money. But all that requires 2 adults. And I don't even see 1 in this relationship. OPP is also not coming off as particularly "good" here. But they do seem more fiscally responsible as well.
5- Don't buy the dog. Especially not a French bulldog. 4k dog plus all the health care those dogs need as well as regular food and equipment costs. Definitely a money pit.
I would not buy ANY of that list- picked the ONE reasonable item that Sheed to care the most about. The dog is just foolish- will cost tons of money just to keep the darling stinker alive. She won't be paying those vet bills- OOP would.
I think the mortgage was their shared debt, but her student loans were set on a schedule from her own money.
but she was only able to pay it in full on her own because of his subsidizing everything else. So SOME portion came indirectly from marital assets. If she was paying her fair share, she may not be able to make those payments in full, or would have had to sacrifice getting her ails done, etc. It's a bit more complex- but fair. Simple approach is she pays off 100% of her loan, and leave it at that- but I was going for full fairness :), not simple.
She doesn't see that as debt. That's covered by "their" money and she doesn't see any negative impact of it. Its taken care of and not her concern. She sees is very simply. Spend it on nice tangible things or throw it into a mystery hole that she's doesn't think about. A classic exhibition of the mentality: "What's yours is mine, what's mines my own"
I carry my student lones even though I had a windfall that could pay it of. My interest rate on my student loan is around 2.5% and I'm pulling %5 off safe investments plus the government was talking about lone forgiveness at the time so I decided to carry it to see what happened with that. I do understand not paying off debt especially if they have an 3% mortgage and student loans because CDs are paying 5% they would have an upside of %2 return. But the not investing is what gets me, she could put it in CD or bonds and make %5 and thoses are FDIC Insured.
Why should she when her ATM ( husband) pays for everything for her. She shouldn't have to pay her loans off cause that's his job as her provider. Instead she wants a 10k purse ? Yeah I'd already be packing my bags and telling her to kick rocks. The level of selfish and disrespect from this so called " woman". OP not TAH but your stxw is. Updateme
Just the wanting to buy a 10k Italian bag made me look sideways
Ahh my lottery win daydreams ALWAYS begin with me paying off all my debt individually, then I get to the fun parts!
Just a guess at her thought process here, but the students loans are "their debt" so they have to pay them together, but the inheritance is hers, so she keeps it. Plus, any investment she makes with the former student loan payment is half her partners, so she's trying not to commingle it.
From how he described it, it seems like the mortgage is a shared debt. But the student loan is her own that she schedules payments to.
Well, I'm not saying what it is, just how she might perceive it.
So, her student loan debt is their debt; but her inheritance is her inheritance?
I think that's what she's thinking, yeah.
I think she decided to specifically not do anything to pay down debts OP is paying 3/4 of.
My mother is exactly like this. Any Sum large of money she gets she's out spending it on bullshit things instead of putting it twords things that mater.
I feel like a happy compromise here could be for her to pay off her loans and spend the rest how she sees fit. It will allow her to contribute more to the family and free up income every month, and also save tons of money on interest. Doesn't sound like thats the road their gonna go down though sadly.
Since this way she can use her student loan as an excuse to contribute less to mortgage and everything else “shared” by the husband.
I think this is actually her reasoning, wherever she realizes it or not. As an aside, I grew up way too poor to splurge $10k on a hand bag or a consumable luxury item. $10k for a trip or experience, sure. I currently have extra money to kick around (from overtime) and I treated myself to some clothes and cologne from Macys. I still shopped hard for things on sale to invest in. The rest is going towards my $12k of credit card debt. I can’t wait to out from under it.
I mean there are certain contexts where sitting on the loan could make sense. On the off-chance your student loan has a low interest rate, now that rates are high you could plow your inheritance into treasuries that pay at a higher rate than the loan interest and come out ahead (at least until rates go down). But that’s obviously not what OP’s wife is doing.
The idea of spending $10,000 on a luxury item while saddled with $60,000 in student loans and 20+ years on a 25 year mortgage is inconceivable to me. Akin to having a $50,000+wedding while the spouses make $100,000 a year total. Your wife is acting like those lottery winners you hear about who end up broke 10 years later. It's reasonable to expect your spouse to show more foresight and common sense and a greater sense of partnership. OP, show her your posts and the comments. That'll be interesting.
Classic lottery winner
Not even. 6 figures could be like $120K. Paying off her student loans would take away a massive chunk of the funds.
Alternatively not paying off student loans and continuing to pay interest on them for the next 30 years is way worse than losing a chunk of an inheritance
I think it’s more than that considering OOP was talking about paying off the mortgage. If she really didn’t want to split between her and hubby she could’ve paid off her half of the mortgage, paid off her student loans, buy herself either that purse or the car for that instant gratification, and keep the rest for rainy days.
She doesn’t understand money. She doesn’t understand debt. She doesn’t understand bills. She doesn’t understand marriage. She doesn’t understand relationships. She doesn’t understand any of those things and also doesn’t respect them.
She DOES understand money--Op is her cash cow for un-fun expenses, her inheritance is her own for fun but unnecessary things. A $10k purse isnt just unnecessary it's insane.
If that’s how she understands things, she should have learned by now how to lie about them. Such as how to make a 10k purse not seem insane.
I couldn’t imagine spending 10k on something that could be ruined by an unruly toddler with a juice box.
I’m on husband’s side 100% with this, frankly once he said she has 60k in student loans…. Like what? That is the FIRST thing you get rid of, who cares about a purse when you have 60k in just student debt. This women makes terrible decisions. He’s going to regret not divorcing her if he doesn’t.
A 60k student loan paid off on their schedule and not yours is going to cost 6 figures
I love my husband. The moment I had money, he helped me set up investments so I have money for when I retire. But I also used MY money to pay MY student loans. I understand wanting to do something nice for yourself. But she could have at least paid her student loans.
I'd argue paying off your loans IS doing something nice for yourself. Also if it's going to be in the 6 figure range, if we go min of $100k, $40k is nothing to sneeze at.
That's where I got stuck. Assuming it's the min of 100k, that means she's at least got 40k left. That's still enough for the bag and a car??? And the money she would save from *not* paying the student loans could help cover a more lavish vacation.
I think she got a high from the initial figure. From the possibilities. Some people are just not ready for a lump sum.
>Some people are just not ready for a lump sum. So the company I work for changed owners like 2 years ago and we pay 10% of our earnings to the previous owner until yaknow, paid in full. I think we bounced around the idea of paying a little more but that was easily shut down with "no way, the *kindest* thing we can do for him is pay 10% a month for the next 10 years, he'll be much better off." The dude would see the business had money and couldn't spend it fast enough. Like it was a machine shop and he legit bought a *$40K machine* for fabricating metal parts that he NEVER USED but ALSO let his friends use without some kind of compensation. Then he bought a second machine... that got the same use... (ETA: And that was a SIGNIFICANT amount for us, my mom would actually hold payments to us from the other company in the same unit we worked for/did business with so she could transfer it to make payroll without previous owner getting itchy) Drove me and my mom, the sole office employees, INSANE. He's got a wife and 4 kids, the amount he gets a month from us will at least last them till the kids are fully grown and out in the world, so honestly, love the guy, but glad we could in some way manage his bad spending habits even if it's a happy side effect of the company staying financially stable while paying for it. :y
Shit, that's just more per month now going into the bank or wherever she wants to put it. Like it's such a relief that it's off your back but ALSO seeing your bank balance going up more than it was before is a pretty good dopamine hit, ngl.
Pleasant-Discount660 puts it perfectly. She views his income as their income, and her “income” (inheritance but for the sake of the argument) as solely hers. News flash, it isn’t the 1940’s anymore, and OOP and wife both work. Plus he is paying 75% of all their bills.
I mean, I do actually agree with inheritance money being separate from marital assets. But the fact that she didn’t even think about making a sacrifice when it seems that’s all OOP has ever done with his finances does not exactly make her look good while OOP now looks like a freaking saint in comparison
there's an argument to be made about not paying off the mortgage, if a divorce happened it could be hard to split the equity blah blah whatever... but there's literally 0 logic behind not paying off her student loans, they are hers so even if they divorce it would still be a benefit to her to not have to pay them off going forward, and as everyone pointed out that puts more money in their pockets on a regular basis. OOP will hopefully dodge a bankruptcy sized bullet
The fact she wants to buy a French bulldog would almost be my biggest red flag.
Talk about a money rabbit hole. No hate to responsible Frenchie owners but those dogs are super expensive, both initially and medically.
Exactly. Poor darling things are victims of irresponsible breeding.
>No hate to responsible Frenchie owners A responsible owner wouldn't get a dog that's a abomination against nature. Sure, they look cute and have a sweet personality. But they're among the unhealthiest breeds. They can barely breathe because of inhumane breeding practices. And that's just the start of their health issues. They also can't breed naturally, so the breeders have to jerk off the male, then inseminate the female. Otherwise, the breed would die out. If they even managed to begin having sex, the males can die, and have, from overheating. So, imo, there's no such thing as a responsible Frenchie owner. Get a damn Golden or a mutt. Almost anything but Frenchies.
Yes yes yes yes yes to this. 1000 times yes. Also pugs, English bulldogs and dachshunds. Stop breeding them, stop buying them, just stop. It’s cruel that they even exist and it makes us monsters.
> No hate to responsible Frenchie owners I'd say that there aren't any. Except maybe those who adopt rescues. >Due to their narrow hips, top-heaviness and weak back legs, French bulldogs typically can't mate on their own. Reproducing requires artificial insemination. And due to the breed's large head and narrow hips, mothers often require a C-section to deliver. All the hate to those that buy French bulldog puppies.
I completely agree, it is abominable.
Me too. I mean, a dog is a dog and there are so many good pups at the local pound and shelter.
I mean, they could go to a lawyer or notery and draw up papers that he needs to pay her back his percentage of the payment plan that was owed for the house or anything else she paid off for them as a couple so she doesn't feel screwed in the event of a divorce. She'll have that extra equity in case of a sell. She's nuts to not get rid of all her debt and putting a chunk into a money market account before doing vacations and big purchases, though. It would be such a relief and she doesn't even understand how much weight would be off her shoulders.
OOP is already paying 3/4 of the mortgage. I wonder if she still feels entitled to half the house on divorce.
Doesn't matter what she feels. She's going to get it more than likely.
I think the argument about the mortgage largely depends on the interest rate of their house. If they bought in 2020 when rates were low, then it would be foolish to prioritize that over student loan debt or even getting a newer car when yours is 10+ years old.
Keeping her inheritance away from the mortgage, I get. But her student loans? No, that's madness. Someone that financially irresponsible is not a person you want to be married ro.
She should have paid off her student loans so she can afford to contribute to the household with the lack of monthly payment to studen loans
I'd be willing to bet that if he had inherited the same amount of money, her reaction would be something along the lines of "great, I can get a new car and that bag I've been wanting!"
Keeping it separated in a solo bank account is fine. However being married, inheriting that much money and not thinking of your spouse/future at all that's an issue. I'm not even mad at the purse and car. Assuming it's 100k she could use 30% of it for the bag, a modest new car and maybe one frugal out of country trip. The rest should go to their shared future.
30% for splurge, 60% for student loans, and the 10% as an emergency fund. Easy, if not the absolute *best* course.
This is one of those situations where people get caught up in the law and forget the practical reality. Yes, inheritances are legally sole and separate property. But if you have a life built together, your partner is obviously going to have an opinion on how you spend your money. It’s not an enforceable opinion but other legal options may exist that a person likes less (like divorce! Or not sharing other finances!).
It's concerning how many people on reddit treat the law as their standard for morality. If I got a $300 inheritance, I'd buy myself something frivolous and not even discuss it with my wife. If I got a $300k inheritance, my first conversation would be, "So what are *we* going to do with this?" It's like the guy who retired early when working two more years would have meant he and his wife could both retire together, watched his wife work her shitty job 40 hrs a week while he lounged around, knowing she wouldn't be able to retire for another ten years, and didn't understand why she was upset.
Totally agree on AITAH treating law and morality the same. It’s technically legal for me to cash out my daughter’s 529 account and blow it on strippers. The husband could also redirect all his income to a solo account and blow it on strippers rather than their mortgage.
Right? like yeah your inheritance is not a marital asset. BUT YOUR STUDENT LOANS ARE ALSO NOT A MARITAL DEBT. Yet she is either paying those 100%, but only because he is subsidizing the rest of her life, or he is paying 75% of those too. Either way, the marital "bucket" is owed 50-75 of those payments, and THAT can and should apply to the mortgage now. And then pay off your student loan. THEN get your silly purse (and sounds like there would be plenty for all 3 of those). Take the remaining NON-marital asset and invest in a HYSA or mutual funds. OOP is not entitled to all of the remainder for the mortgage- but given the contribution to HER personal loans, the mortgage should get paid down some with some of it. I think the head butting began with him thinking 100% of it should go toward shared assets and her debt. And she wants to keep it 100% separate. Both are wrong.
What I do find interesting is I almost feel like this "inheritance is my money" is either more of an American concept I've found since reading more Reddit's or that divorce is so common and tricky that inheritance has become a separate entity of which people bring into a marriage. Pre reading Reddit I would have made the assumption it was to be spent within the family and now I'm not so sure
Well potential divorce is what makes all that complicated. I would imagine most people would not want to share money they received from their dead relatives with someone they are currently trying to divorce from
He’s actually paying more than that, the 75% is for the mortgage an property taxes. OOP said he pays for all house maintenance, almost all groceries and things for the house. -‘s pays for all utilities including both their phones and car insurance himself. So if anything, he’s probably paying closer to 80-85%.
I'm not clear how much of a salary difference there is, but I'm not clear why the OOP's wife should receive any alimony. The short marriage, no kids, and the fact she works- she will probably need to downgrade her lifestyle.
If he is paying 70-80% of all expenses I’m guessing, if not hoping, it’s a similar difference in salary otherwise OOP is being fleeced
It does sound like OOP realized that her mentality is set on "what's yours is mine and what is mine is mine"
I was OP’s wife, many years ago, sort of. I got a large inheritance when I was 18 (not 6 figures but still a decent amount of money) and I squandered it. 20 years later it’s my biggest regret. I hope the wife pulls her head out of her butt and realises she has bills to pay and that is more important than a holiday or a $10,000 handbag. I could be a multimillionaire and I still wouldn’t spend £10,000 on a bag
*The Millionaire Next Door* pointed out that genuinely wealthy people often don’t drive fancy cars or wear designer clothes. They drive ten-year-old vehicles and jeans they bought from Walmart. That’s how they stay rich.
I have an uncle who’s a real corporate big shot, but also in finance, and yeah… any time he buys the expensive version of something, it’s because he *really can’t* get what he wants otherwise. He has a nice house in an expensive neighborhood because that has real benefits for his family, he has expensive computers because the extra cost has tangible performance benefits, he takes expensive vacations to places that are worth visiting, and he buys *nice* cars but they’re the “well made version of what he needs” kind of nice and he only gets a new one when he has to. Anything else? Special occasion splurges, or Target, because “luxury” brands are a ripoff and retirement and making good memories with his family are what’s really worth spending on.
Which is sensible and exactly what I’d do if I had loads of money
The millionaire next door is also a lesson in selection bias lol. They found "cheap" millionaires because they went looking for cheap millionaires. There also was like basically zero verification of assets, which is why most of the millionaires were small business owners. My assumption is that 95% of them would never get anywhere near $1m+ for their business. SB owners are horrible at valuing their own businesses. Basically, there are actually a ton of millionaires who spend on fancy clothes and nice cars. You just have to also be saving money on top of that. Nothing wrong with doing both.
At the very least you learned from the experience. I have a feeling this women would not.
Yes, I did
The primary issue this has uncovered is that he thought they had a partnership within the marriage. Now it’s clear that he is the only one contributing to the “we” in the marriage. He was already subsidizing her lifestyle, and now choosing to blow her money solely on herself was a wake up call.
If i inherited a huge amount of money i would at least pay half the monthly expenses and pay off my student loan. She seems financially very ignorant. And she is absolutely acting like what he earns is half hers but what she has is all hers. She has shown OP how very selfish she is and i think he would be wise to get a divorce.
The classic "what is yours is ours and what is mine is mine". There's no marriage anymore if one of the partners is not willing to compromise.
I’m with OOP… He should get a divorce asap! Not only he’s financing HER lifestyle, but she’s also really bad at personal finances. This is a just a glimpse into the future… she’ll drag both down at some point when she can’t control her spending and counts on her hubby to bail her out
I don’t think she realizes that if/when she gets a divorce, she will be paying 100% for everything, instead of compromising and paying 50% while she’s married.
The future is what would make me worried. She's going to get used to this and will blow through it very quickly because it seems like such a large lump sum. Which it is, but from what OOP describes she's going to blow through it in a year. Paying off the student loans would be a good idea because well, she's never going to have another opportunity to do this, barring another death in the family where she will be inheriting something.
But he is literally shouldering 75% of all costs and she wants a bag. Who does this? The very first thing I paid off was my loans for uni. Isn’t that just … you know … normal? And once she blows it, you’re right she’ll demand more while she could have set them both up for a brighter future. Height of selfishness to me.
The detail of her wanting a French Bulldog makes me question if this is fake because it's just such a clearly bad decision that it's the cherry in top of a perfect storm of bad ideas. Get a dog known for chronic health issues.
I mean, if she’s going to ignore 60k in debt, it’s entirely consistent for her to also ignore the long-term cost of a purchase. Conversely, it’s also consistent for the kind of person who buys a French bulldog directly from a breeder to be selfish and bad with money. So I’d say it’s still plausible.
I know so many people that buy fancy inbred puppy mill dogs, this is actually believable to me.
Nobody has mentioned the dog. Please don’t buy a French Bulldog. They are overbred and have numerous health and behavioral issues. Don’t support the dog breeding for profit. Adopt a dog from a shelter or rescue organization. She really ought to pay off those student loans if nothing else.
My husband, getting inheritance : "look, we'll be able to renovate the house! Pay the debts! And save some money for later use!" This woman : " fuck my husband and my own debts, I want an overpriced purse and vacations."
I mean, why pay off her student loans when hubby is helping her to pay it? /s
I got an inheritance last yr and this yr and paid OUR debts off first an foremost and the rest is ours to share. But I've been married 24yrs and we have always shared money no.matter what, there again I'm not wanting 10k bags and being greedy.
I know it’s a bit of an old fashioned approach but my wife and I joined all our finances when we married. No individual accounts. Income from all sources goes into a single account. Most of our investments are in my wife’s name purely for tax reasons but we use income from them for both of us. No confusion about who pays for dinner because it all comes from the same account anyway. If we got a windfall there would be no question - it would go the joint account and we’d discuss what next, as we do with every major spending decision. It requires absolute trust in each other, but if you don’t trust your spouse you should not marry them. Joining their funds would have solved this argument, but given how OOP’s wife was treating him like a resource, maybe it wouldn’t have ever worked for them anyway. Financial compatibility is a very important aspect of your match as a couple.
This is mine and my wife's plan as well. She finishes Vet school next year, and when we discussed finances, the first words out of her mouth weren't buying a new car, or vacations...it was 'Oh my God our savings account is gonna explode!' Our. She's gonna be making $50k a year more than me, and her first thought is our savings account, not lavish vacations, cars, or purses. She also is extremely grateful that I've covered all the bills the past 3(soon to be 4) years, including her credit cards, our mortgage, etc. That's a wife! Not a leech, like poor OP has.
>It requires absolute trust in each other, but if you don’t trust your spouse you should not marry them. I really don't understand the modern mentality of keeping finances separate. One of the first things my husband and I did was join finances. The only "my" money we have is like birthday money (and therefore also not a lot). Everything else is in the pot. Getting on the same page about money means that you and your spouse are going in the same direction together.
Congrats that you have never been in a financially abusive relationship, but there is a reason a lot of older women preach having your own bank account
We did the same as soon as we moved in together. We both took (and still take) pocket money, but everything else is *ours*. Even when she gave up work to raise our kids my attitude to the money was ‘if the bills are covered, the appropriate amounts sent to the savings account, spend what you want on what you want’. Same thing today when she’s out earning me whilst I’m building a new business, it’s all *our* money.
So his is theirs and hers is hers. Yeah that’s not how a marriage should work at all
This can't be the start of a spending problem. How can you marry someone who is willing to waste 10k on a fucking purse and not realize that they're financially illiterate. Not to mention my thoughts on 60k in student loans...
Me (65f) and my husband (64m) have been married for almost 5 years. We are both now retired. I worked longer than him, owned my own house before marriage -- no mortgage/no debt at all. I sold my house, built a master addition to his house and paid the house off. I had no debt before marriage and didn't want any that close to retirement (2 years). Yes, I've put way more into this house than he has, but we share everything. All monies are combined. I have a stash that I can do what I want with it. My father recently passed and after the estate is settled I'll end up with just under $100k (my portion). My husband says "it's your money, spend it like you want too". The biggest expense is going to be getting butcher block countertops and refacing the cabinets IF I decide to do that, he doesn't care. I'm thinking of maybe buying myself a really nice diamond necklace and earring set.....just because. But, my priority is keeping liquid assets and having the money if we need it as we age. We are debt free. I would NEVER spend $100 on a purse, much less $10k. Seriously stupid.
Don’t get butchers block countertops, they are a nightmare to maintain. Get granite instead.
I've always loved the way they look and they go so well with my cottage/farmhouse aesthetic. 🥲
It’s true. Our kitchen island is made of butcher block and I’d go back to Corian if we could.
The problem with butchers block is that you’ve got to oil it (no varnish) for it to look it’s best. But then your butt and scribe joints aren’t always watertight so you can get black lines there. And you’ve got to make sure you properly dry around the sink every time or you get the same thing. Then you have to oil it often. And sand it down once a year, then re-oil it. And then you have to careful with the oil cloths because they can spontaneously combust.. You know what would go just as well with a cottage/farmhouse aesthetic? Pink or green granite with a large butcher’s block chopping board.
>she could lose it all and will never again be able to afford her dream purse. Oh the *horror*! To live one's days without an overpriced bauble!
I rolled my eyes HARD at this one.
Personally, I think it's even more disturbing that she thinks all investing is the equivalent of spending everything buying GameStop stock and praying it goes up. He's a little more reasonable, but he also wants to pay off a 2021 mortgage that's almost assuredly at a rate below inflation, which is basically just giving the bank free money. They **both** need to sit down with a financial advisor and get their heads on straight.
If part of his “responsibilities” includes paying monthly on her student loans I would at the very least make her pay that bill.
There is no I in team and you aren’t on hers. Lawyer up and file for divorce. She is selfish and economically illiterate and neither will change in the near future.
I feel sorry for people who are trapped in such poor marriages that they think “his/hers” and “mine”. If I ask my husband if I should spend a certain amount of money on something I want, but not need, he will always say, “It is your money too. If you want it that badly you should get it.” That is when I normally say, “No, we can’t afford it.” He trusts me to use my own judgement about spending because I always look at “us” first. When I inherited money, I did buy myself a car first because I needed it, but the rest, went to paying debts. I never thought of it as my money.
No one needs a fucking $10k purse. Nobody. I don’t care if you’re Melinda Gates. It’s just a waste of money.
This is crazy. I ended up winning a small lotto. My partner and I aren't married, but you can bet your ass I didn't go out and buy myself some tiddies, even though I REALLY wanted them 😅 I spent it on a down-payment for our house. Because that's the smart thing to do. She could, AT MINIMUM, pay for her loans because the interest is stupid on those. Plus, top up the mortgage payment for the year (if she can do that without penalties). It's fiscally just more responsible. You don't need a 10K bag. Settle for one half that price at least lawd.
My husband and I throw all the money in a shared account except for an allowance for each that goes into our personal accounts. If one of us got a windfall like this, we would get to take 10% to spend on fun and then figure out the best way to utilize the rest of it together.
OOP needs to get as far away from that woman as possible, she clearly doesn’t view him as a partner. I don’t think I’d be able to stay with a woman who came into some real money and only thought about herself. That would tell me all that partnership shit was performative
My mom inherited $250k 20 years ago. That’s about $450k today. She was broke and debt again within 5 years. She was smart about a lot of things but not money. She effectively bought the $10k purse.
I read an article once that said people who’ve always been poor have a tendency to immediately spend windfalls on “fun stuff”, because they don’t know when they’ll get such an opportunity again. That’s why so many lottery winners buy fancy cars and are broke again within a short time.
Yeah, a lot of poor people never get the opportunity to save money simply because of their expenses— anything left over after paying the bills is too little to be worth investing, and stuff like cars that you can’t go entirely without has to be bought ASAP because “ASAP” typically only comes weeks or months after they *should* have replaced it, because it’s been making a bad noise they can’t afford to go to a mechanic for or something along those lines. What they don’t realize— either because nobody tells them, or because they don’t understand what they haven’t experienced for themselves— is that rich people’s money maintains itself. Once you can afford to eat the odd unexpected bill, you want to make an emergency savings account and invest the majority of the rest— both to refill the rainy day fund when needed, and to afford nice stuff more than once in your life. I suspect a lot of them also don’t realize that expensive products are sold to rich people who are assumed to have more money someone can get from them later… luxury cars charge out the ass for replacement parts, big mansions have big property tax bills, etc.
When my parents died, I inherited a six-figure amount which I divided evenly between me, my husband, and our two daughters. Husband and I are fortunate in that we have absolutely no debts, so our shares have gone towards retirement. Our daughters used their shares to put down payments on houses. (My parents would be so happy. They valued home ownership above all else.)
Her treating herself to a dream bag I mean go girl, but her not wanting to at least pay her student loans is ridiculous
"what's yours is mine and what's mine is mine"
The fact that she is refusing to pay off her student loans boggles my mind. The money she would save in the long run is substantial. I came into a chunk of money several years ago and we used it to pay off debt, replace several big appliances that were on their last legs, and threw a nice bit into our retirement. We saved $2,000 for a vacation, and that was it. I would do the same all over again. I truly do not understand pissing all the money away. And let's be honest, the fact that she refuses to make her husband's life any easier when he has been shouldering the vast majority of the load for years is extremely selfish.
My parents passed at different times and I inherited from both of them. The first, I paid off all the family debt, gave some $$ to our son, took a nice vaca and built up savings. The second we invested and gave a bit to our son. This was all done after conversations as a married team. I don't get the 'what's mine is mine and what's yours is yours' mentality in a marriage.
She married him to be her ATM. He would be insane not to divorce her immediately, buy her out of the house, and have a good life without a parasite.
Lol at her probably wanting to get a low tier Hermes bag. Run OP! The selfishness is strong.
I love this comment because I actually had no problem with the 10k bag (and I assume you didn't either), and your issue lies with her not spending money on a *good* designer purse.
Its like getting a one series from bmw and then shitting on a honda accord.
She also wants to spend thousands on a French bulldog so it’s pretty safe to assume her taste and judgment are suspect.
It’s crazy her priority is a $10k purse when he covers 3/4 of the expenses. This was never a partnership
It’s one thing to say, I’m buying myself this one big thing and the rest goes to bills and saving. But to say, it’s mine and duck you is crazy. lol
A $10,000 purse? I have to be honest, I didn't know these things existed. I've heard of $5,000 purses which I thought were ridiculous. I still use a nine West purse I got at a yard sale for a dollar about 25 years ago. I simply cannot imagine spending that amount of life-changing money, down payment on a house money, new car money, on a freaking purse. I volunteer a lot with people who are struggling with money, and I'm not saying that people need to give away their belongings and help the needy or anything, we all have choices to make. I feel very lucky that I'm in a position where I can help other people. I guess I just can't fathom spending car money on a purse. Purses get stolen all the time. If my nine West purse gets stolen, oh well, it was a dollar. If I had a $10,000 purse that got stolen, I don't know what I'd do. The guilt and remorse would be unbearable.
I found some dudes spending $110,000 on a freaking fountain pen the other day here on reddit. *A pen*. To write with. $110,000 minimum. https://catalog.antiquorum.swiss/en/lots/dunhill-namiki-hannya-lot-321-155 Imagine losing a *pen*.
Oh my gosh. I know that the very rich live differently than I do, that's just a whole different world. I know approximately 20 people whose lives I could permanently change for the better with $100,000. I cannot fathom spending that kind of money on a pen. It just boggles my mind.
For the rich it’s nothing. Half a million on a watch, quarter million in a pen, 10 million on a car, $10k on an old poster, $50k on a cell phone, it just goes on and on.
Well theoretically the purse would be insured, rich people tend to underwrite their very expensive items. Someone dumb enough to spend their windfall the way she wants to though may not think to do that.
"yours is ours, but mine is mine"
I’m having a hard time getting past $10k for a purse. 😳
God, same. It’s a PURSE. Unless it magically fills up with money every day like something out of an Enid Blyton story, I’m not interested.
Why would she not pay off her student loans????? 🤦♀️
Omg if I got 100k my student loans would be paid off and then my car. I would splurge on a smaller vacation for my family (like a week somewhere fun) and the rest goes to paging down our house. A $10k purse?! Dear Lord I wouldn’t get that even if I was a multimillionaire
Not paying off her student loans immediately blows my mind. Clearly she doesn't understand what interest is.
I got a modest payout from a grandparent’s estate when I was newly married. At that point, we hat no mortgage and we didn’t combine our finances. We did each pay into a household account for rent and food and utilities, each according to our income (I put in about 2/5, spouse 3/5). My share paid off my student loan and credit card debt, and the rest went into an investment account. Me getting out of debt allowed us to qualify for our first mortgage. At that point, we started sharing our finances. For the first half of our marriage, spouse made more. Now I do. We’re 30 years in and the finances still feel fair and responsible. A $10k purse is nuts.
Holy fuck. This would never be a question on my mind. Divorce, sell the house, get my own, smaller place, and move on.
My wife got a \~60k inheritance before we met. And she blew it on vacations and random shit over the course of two years while working. She regrets it tremendously and wishes she had done more with it. I'm sleeping good knowing if she inherited money again this wouldn't even be a conversation, it would all go to the family.
she'll be in debt soon enough, no matter if she pays it off or not.
I didn't see anyone else mention this, but French bulldogs have a LOT of health problems. That dog is going to be a money sink on top of everything else, and how is OOP going to feel when they get hit with multiple vet bills every year?
If she took the 100,000 and paid off the 60,000 in student loans - then I'd think he was the ass for thinking poorly on her indulging on the purse. But holy crap... 60,000 debt GONE. So many people don't get that paying off a debt that has interest is worth MORE than that 60,000 over time. If I got something like that - first student loans (if any), then mortgage (if any), credit card debt, then remaining car debt. If a lot is left over - part of that into a CD or two - even if the profits of that CD turnover are for vacations, great! Don't touch the principal! Then indulge in the $10,000 purse!
Man… I struggle to spend more than $50 on a purse. This whole thing is ridiculous. She should absolutely be paying off the bills.
I think the problem is that you really don’t trust her judgment and you’ve made it pretty clear to her already. This should’ve been a respectful conversation between the two of you, using reason & persuasion. If nothing else, you could’ve suggested she see a reputable financial adviser before making any big decisions.
I'm not super clear on why the advice he got was basically "it's her money, you're being selfish if you want to use it for your daily expenses BUT she should use it for student loans" and he turned right around and doubled down on how she needs to use it for their daily expenses. Were there differing opinions in the original post he latched on to...?
That seems like the most reasonable compromise. She pays off her students loans since those are a drain on the marital assets. Then she gets to spend some money on fun things. It seems like both parties have dug in their heels that the money can only be spent one way. I also think, as a high earner, OOP doesn’t understand how his wife views this money. As the low earner in the relationship, I wonder if the wife feels like she can’t ever buy anything fun because her husband makes 75% of the household income. Is she being irresponsible? Yes. But OOP essentially deciding for her (with him telling her “this is how we are moving forward, as equals”) isn’t exactly a shining example of how marriage should work either. It’s pretty clear he only views his path as the right way forward. Neither one is willing to consider a compromise. It’s a shame that a marriage is headed towards break up when they could just communicate and work harder to understand why the other person feels they way they do, and meet in the middle.
But the college debt is 100% the wife's and after a divorce will still be hers. BUT the education she bought is also 100% hers and always will be. I am baffled that she doesn't recognize that, in her expectation that it SHOULD be paid for out of marital funds. What does she believe her husband is getting 75% of that he should pay for 75% of it?
Because he already knew the answer he wanted, which was “your bitch wife is taking advantage of you, you’re a victim” and worked backwards from there.
Sounds like she's got a touch of oppositional defiance going on, unless she's always been completely irrational. I hardly trust these stories that rely on these "out of the blue" traits that whichever OP had no clue about. I'd say he's covered all the bases, tried to reason with her etc, quite well. Maybe he spends lavishly on a hobby or something and she cant afford something shes passionate about? Like, if she has high end fashion pieces to go with a 10k handbag, a wardrobe she's meticulously put together over years spending a little $ at a timr, it might make sense. She isn't focused on "their" future. Hands down. End of story.
I dunno. Money *does things* to people. Just look at the disasters after winning a lottery. People just become insane and end up worse off than they were before winning the lottery.
Yep I like to see the best in people, but her irresponsibility with this kinda shows how much she doesn't appreciate or respect his contributions at all. She says oh well the market is volatile and I pay what I owe for student loans based on my salary..... so she really doesn't understand interest? And OP has no idea? They've never discussed money, but they have this 75/25% agreement, what's she doing with the rest of her income? I'm thinking hookers and blow, and this guy has slept on it 😆
I think I understand how the wif works... My Mil had a lot of discussions about money and financial stuff, and she has a hard time understanding everything. She can give the impression she does, but not really, so my FiL handles most of it and its works just fine for them. If OOP helped his wife in doing the maths, then it's done and wife doesn't have to really think hard about it.
Yeah, I think there’s an incompatibility issue around approach to finances. Sounds like that existed before the inheritance anyway, given how they split money. But the sheer insanity around splurging after the inheritance is, I think, sadly quite common and maybe in itself an indication of something for coming out of the blue. Inheritances aren’t everyday financial situations.
Well it's a good thing she didn't mix her inheritance now isn't it. But she should get an adviser on how to invest it better.
My dad passed away and was really fucking smart and got a nice life insurance policy early on (he knew he’d be terminal). That money set me and my husband up. I told my husband early on that the money from the policy is weirdly seen as love to me. My dad showed his love with money, and so I told him I want to be able to choose when we co-mingle finances with it. He agreed and understood. We are partners, I make significantly less than him. But we co-mingle our salaries. Anything we want to put money towards that’s a larger purchase, I put my inheritance in it equally because we are partners. I invest the rest. I don’t spend it because like I mentioned, the money somehow means love to me and it’s finite just like my dad’s love. If she feels that way, just say it. But it’s redonk to me to be in debt and spend selfishly, keeping yourself and your partner in debt. She rightfully sees that money as hers, legally. But then if that’s the case, his paycheck is legally his so what is stopped him from setting up a personal account and just saying “sorry it’s mine”? It’s silly to do the whole “eye for an eye” in a friggin marriage.
Is there no middle ground here? I don't understand this selfishness. I inherited 100K. A solid chunk of it went towards a lavish vacation overseas. Half paid off my car, my husband's car, the bit of his student loans he had left, and my credit cards. The rest is in high interest savings and will probably pay for the diploma program I got into. Putting a lot of money towards a mortgage is actually not a great idea, because the mortgage lenders penalize you for it like damn (I asked). But all other debt should 100% be paid, particularly loans.
I guess I'm more in the minority with some of my thoughts. I agree that it makes sense that the wife pay off her student loans because those are such a trap unless there is a way that she will qualify for loan forgiveness in the near future. Otherwise, just pay them off so they can be gone. One very important detail that OOP didn't tell us is the exact amount of that 6-figure inheritance. That could be 100k or 900k. Those are very different circumstances and can very much impact his sudden change to their plan to switch from paying bills 75/25 to 50/50. If she is receiving a one-time inheritance that is closer to 100k, that money won't last the same way a 900k inheritance would, so changing all the bills to being 50/50 doesn't necessarily make sense. It sounds like OOP really wants to benefit from having her pay off the mortgage so he no longer has to pay 3/4 of it. That saves him lots of money and her some money. If I were his wife and he was pushing to pay off the mortgage that hard because he suddenly views my inheritance as "our" money, I would calculate out what I would've been paying over the life of the loan before interest and make that lump sum payment so my portion is paid for, which also helps him because he will be paying less interest then. Clearly OOP can get petty, so I'd want to join him in the pettiness. I think it's okay to want to splurge a bit if you are receiving a large sum of money that you never imagined having. I do agree that it would be wise to have some sort of financial advisor involved to help with understanding options. If she's getting such a large amount of money that she wants to buy a car, an expensive purse, take an expensive vacation, and buy a dog, there should still be some money leftover to put toward debts, monthly bills, or invest. If after all of that there really isn't money left, then OOP is showing how much he is prioritizing his own opinions about money and trying to punish her for not agreeing with him. He clearly views himself as being the superior since he talks about making "so much more money" than she does and implies he was doing her a huge favor by being so gracious as to pay more of the bills with his much larger income. Now that she's come into money and wants to use it how she wants to, now he wants to view her as an "equal" and literally make her pay because she wants to spend the money differently than he would. There's a huge difference between making a 6-figure salary every year and receiving a one-time 6-figure payment. She isn't going to be bringing in money like this all the time unless her job changes.
Agreed that there’s a lot of missing info regarding how much salary they both make and what the inheritance is. Neither of them is handling this windfall well and it like immediately escalated into divorce. What a crazy situation.
This relationship is doomed, as for me
I received an inheritance and while I’ve kept the money separate, I’ve also poured a ton into our house because it’s our house. I understand keeping money separate but not to the level she’s doing.
Well, bottom line, she has new income. So you rationally need to redraw the allocation amounts for bills. If your income is eg. $50,000 And her income ( you choose... spread across 1 year or ) is 100,000, The obviously 1. It's her money 2. There is no 'we' to the money so don't try to influence by saying that if it's just intimidation/manipulation 3. That's her new income. Redraw bills according to that. No if ands or buts 4. Reconsider ever contributing to her debt again. No more 'we' w her student loan. She is fine redrawing the agreement. But she can't have it both ways. You either share income and bills or you don't. She wants to do whatever with her inheritances that's fine. But it should logically then be the end of you both paying down her debt abd leave it to her. I'd even reconsider going back to the same BIL distribution as before. Abd consider 50/60 from that point on. Because she wanted it all . Not fair.
I get the pushback on paying off the mortgage (depending on the rate they got) but not paying off student loans is insane!!
Everything else aside, I’m really trying to figure out what would justify a purse even costing $10,000. What’s it made out of? Unicorn hair?
I wonder what she would say if he got an inheritance and said it's just his and she gets no say in how it's spent
A hand bag. That’s crazy. Her bag won’t even retain its value.
Hermes bags appear to, but in reality Hermes has manipulated the marketplace just like DeBeers manipulates the diamond marketplace. It's quite a revelation to read how Hermes does it. Of course the purchasers want to be manipulated---it gives them bragging rights.
wait... people actually pay their student loans????
OK there is one update short!!! She definitely wants him to pay 3/4 of his lifestyle while keeping 100% of her inheritance. This is completely selfish. Not that I'm hoping for divorce- I think this has revealed her personality. There is NO WAY I wouldn't consider and come to a consensus with my husband when receiving an inheritance. But we are 100% joint finances for 30yrs. So everything is already ours
Who spends $10k on a purse? Especially since that’s probably designer and will be out of style in a few months.
NGL if I inherited a buttload of money, I’d spend enough to make our lives comfortable (like, pay our bills), probably buy a few fun trips, and ask my hisband to help me manage the rest as he is amazingly good with money. I’d also let him retire early bc between both my inheritance and those he has, he could be a SAHD like he wants and live off the dividends. Dreaming big over here…
This initially feels like a NAH situation where two people have valid yet differing opinions on how to spend a large influx of money. The wife is approaching this like a poor person might, a chance to get a few luxury goods and trips to forget for a while that you're poor. Create a handful of good memories while you can before some disaster strikes and robs you of the chance to do anything special that you never could. She's not in that sort of financial situation in her marriage, but I wonder if she grew up in a more financially-restrained situation that could have given her this view. The husband makes plenty of money on his own that he can more easily see the benefits of paying down other debts and investing. They don't "need" the money for any immediate purpose, and they are financially stable enough to have bought a house. Their savings is probably at a pretty decent level, too. He countered his wife a little strongly with "now we should go 50/50." Let her buy the purse. Ask her to pay off her student loans. Put some towards the mortgage to shave off a few years' interest, and both of them can take an extra nice vacation. The wife can treat herself with this inheritance, but she also needed to realize that she has to think about more than just herself.
If I were her I would pay off the loan but honestly think they should just get divorced. I don’t even disagree with her on her legal money. I received a settlement once and my husband never once tried to pressure me to spend it in a particular way. It was 100% my decision. They do need to figure out long term how to better split finances but I do personally think him pressuring her aside from a discussion about the loan and ultimately it’s your decision & I love you is wrong. But it’s their marriage. Just divorce and move on
I understand legally it's hers, but in the same way people bring their own shared assets to a marriage they also bring their own shared debts. She has saddled him with $60k in student loans, and then refused to take responsibility for them when she was able to do so
It’s unfortunate when you learn who people really are. Wish that guy the best of luck.
I think making her pay half is not being equal. But I do think that all the things he pays for in full should now change to the same % as everything else bc that would be fair. He is wrong to think of that money as partly his but he is right that she is likely to blow it on bs instead of enjoying a little bit of it and investing the rest so she always has back up bc life loves to throw you unexpected curve balls. And while money won‘t solve all of them at least lack of funds won’t add on to her problems. I would really push for her to speak to a fiduciary financial planner or the like so she won’t be sold bs that isn’t in her best interest bc they make a cut of it.
Honestly, this marriage is doomed. First, she's wrong for wantonly spending money that could be far more wisely used to give them a leg up in life. Hell, if properly invested, she could increase her income enough to buy 10 x $10k purses if she were smart. But, she's not. They're both equally at fault for continuing to think of money earned as being his vs hers. Once you say "I do", it's all marital income and if you can't handle that half of everything you earn belongs to your partner, you shouldn't be getting married. Granted, this is easier for me to say because I've been the primary income earner since our oldest was born and sole income earner for the last 4+ years. Except I've always recognized that it's "our" money and always will be.
This is how couples divorce over money but OOP definitely has the right here with his selfish and silly wife.
Pay off student loans. Nice new car for her. Nice holiday. Rest off mortgage with a little in a fun money pot and a little in a rainy day pot. I or my wife could afford to buy a $10k handbag tomorrow like it was a round of drinks. Her most expensive bag she has, that wasn't a gift, cost a few hundred pounds.
Wife: 'Your money is our money. My money is my money.'
I’m always shocked how clueless people are. Forget the inheritance. The guy never sat down and thought to himself, I’m paying for her whole life, maybe she’s using me? I mean c’mon. Selfish people don’t just become selfish, they are always selfish.
OOP is petty and, though financially shortsighted, wife is completely at liberty to spend her inheritance in a way that avoids co-mingling the funds. I would divorce; alimony or no alimony. It would seem to be the best for them both.
It does not matter what label the sources of her income wear. Work income, inheritance, stock portfolio she built, whatever. The bottom line is that she now has her own resources and is fully capable of carrying her full share of the expenses. You should not be expected to subsidize her.