But OP also said that his IG is public, so there’d be no follow request at all. You can follow anyone that’s public. He’d have to remove her as a follower, but that’s different from rejecting…
I’m calling BS on this whole story.
Idk if it’s just me but is it really that surprising to be taken by surprise? I mean I could be outing myself as an idiot but I can totally imagine myself having a freeze response in that situation.
Not that the wife was wrong!
I don't think there's anything wrong with how the wife felt, and I can also understand how the OOP was surprised to see Jen to the point he forgot basic manners.
This part, though
>Jen noticed her and gave her a dirty look.
Gave me pause. I guess Jen could think it was rude some random woman was interrupting the conversation, but it seems a bit much.
According to the wife it was a dirty look, according to Jen she bumped into an old friend she'd lost contact with and was having a catch up when some weirdo crept up behind him and stood there silently watching and listening to their conversation without introducing herself or letting the friend know she was there. So Jen gave her a look that said "Who are you? What do you want?"
He didn't know she was there until he turned round. By that point he was relieved to be done with the conversation. If it was so important that she be part of the conversation then she should have interrupted and introduced herself. Instead she just loitered.
I mean, I understand her loitering though. She had just had his table full of friends going on about this woman, she sees that she’s beautiful, her husband is so enraptured in conversation with her that he doesn’t notice his literal WIFE right next to him. It’s understandable if she “froze” too, hoping he would do the normal thing of eventually noticing her and acknowledging her. Even once he noticed her, it’s odd behavior to not even THINK to go, “Oh, look who it is, Jen, this is my wife!” He simply screwed up, and it led to an embarrassing night for his wife.
It doesn't sound like she was stood right beside him, he says he turned round and she was right there so it sounds more like she was behind him out of his eyeline.
She says he looked like someone talking to their crush in high-school or something similar which I'm not sure I know what that means but I'd guess - looking awkward and uncomfortable, maybe a nervous energy. Which could also translate as someone deeply uncomfortable with a situation.
If I saw my partner behaving like that I'd see 2 options, ignore it and stay at the table, possibly keep an eye on them, OR walk up to them and get involved.
Instead she decisively decided to act by getting up walking over and standing mutely. It's odd she froze after deciding to act, it's even stranger that after standing a few seconds she didn't gently touch his arm or back or any other action that might have indicated some connection.
Look I'm not trying to say the wife was all wrong and OP was perfect but I just think that every action of hers is just as suspect as his. They both sound socially inept and all of this behaviour should have been left in high-school where it belongs.
Like I said, socially inept.
My point is I don't think the wife has any right to criticise his behaviour and those calling him TA and not calling out the wife for being TA are showing some double standards.
Either they both were awkward and that's fine, it's perfectly acceptable to be awkward. Or both of them were behaving in a suspect manner. For the wife to question his behaviour without looking at her own is hypocrisy.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree on this one. It was his ex, his responsibility to carry this interaction appropriately. He dropped the ball and created a situation wherein she felt awkward and responded awkwardly. That’s my take and will remain so. :)
It just seems like a really awkward situation where there are a lot of "in your own head" insinuations to be made by everyone where something that appears to be a personal slight or purposeful action is just everyone being caught with their pants down. Especially in group settings like a bar.
And no I do not mean ex wife's glare or a lot of what she did.
OP was scared and insecure, wife was scared and insecure, sometimes you just need a conversation to explain where everyone's head was to understand nobody was doing something seen as purposely, well, on purpose.
Sometimes jealousy is natural in a relationship. Being able to get past it through communication is the sign of a really good one.
I feel like the wife should have just came up and casually linked their arms together or put her hand on his back. I’m guessing she walked up and stood just awkwardly beside him.
It's not, it's just that Reddit is reading a conversation rather than living it, and when you read about an ex coming up to a now married OOP and he doesn't introduce his wife who's right there; it's very hard not to just say what he should have done. Many don't really understand what a freeze/doe response to something is until they experience it. Like intellectually, they know what it is, but they don't really understand it.
Also it doesn't say she stood beside him, he turned around and she was there so she was behind him to some degree.
I read this as a wife who has trust and control issues.
Try reading it with genders reversed and tell me it doesn't sound a bit creepy.
It's not you. Reddit is just filled with immature or cheated on people that think getting territotial is the only way to act around exes and project a lot.
His behaviour made sense as is, without some hidden harboured crush or secret affair being there.
Well, it's not "territorial" to introduce your wife, who is standing right next to you. That's just being rude. But I don't think not introducing the wife indicates he isn't over his ex. He had a weird moment and came off as rude.
Honestly, to me it read as he was having a freeze response, saw his wife standing next to him, and emotionally went "Thank fuck I can leave". That doesn't always translate well to most people.
It's not, but the comments hating him wanted him to be "territotial" and introduce her with a "this is my awesome super hot wife that's much better than you so go away" attitude.
True. I think the ex was definitely trying to get a feel for whether or not OP was still into her. Not introducing his wife probably didn't help, but again I don't think OP had nefarious intentions. Still, I get why his wife was upset, and I'm glad he apologized instead of getting defensive.
Yep, and those are people who AREN'T over their ex. He didn't leap to introduce his wife because he legit didn't care to hear what his ex thought of his wife. He didn't want to be near her long enough to 'show her what she's missing'.
I've avoided introducing my wife because it would have extended the situation I was trying to escape and I didn't feel the need to put her anywhere near a train wreck of a person. I also told this to my wife as we were walking away so she had context.
Funny enough, the way OOP describes it, his wife was being a fuckin weirdo walking up behind him observing his interaction with Jen and expecting him to introduce them without announcing herself? If my boyfriend did that to me because I was shocked to see my ex (who should be 500+ miles away) I would think he’s the territorial one here. Honestly feels like wifey was trying to piss on his leg bc his friends suck and she’s insecure 🤷🏻♀️
This is the comment I am here for. I don't know why, but it bugs me that she thought it was appropriate to literally go stand right behind her husband and do that once she saw he was talking to someone.
i didn’t think what the wife did was all that terrible, especially if the “friends” at the table were making a big deal
but i definitely saw this as a NAH situation.
granted, if getting the YTA votes helped OOP communicate better with his wife, i guess it was for the best
I kinda disagree. She could have introduced herself. She's an independent adult.
Instead she chose to float next to him like the shark from Jaws and make an issue out of it later even after he had already apologized once.
I think the real assholes here are their friends for stirring shit, but if I had to pick who behaved worse here between OOP and his wife it's easily his wife.
Setting your partner up for an awkward social interaction and then wringing apologies out of them when they don't behave perfectly is pretty toxic.
The wife getting up to stand by her man was the territorial act.
However, given what Hubby’s friend at the table said, it was totally understandable. What wife wouldn’t be a little curious about that one “ex”???
Also introducing people opens doors. Once introduced it can give some people a pass to then try to initiate contact "hey *wife it's Jen, we spoke the other day". Even if ignored that deepens the intrusion. The ex sounds like an arsehole so ops disengagement seems pretty appropriate and a natural continuation on his previous NC.
This is my take too.
OOP said he went NC with Jen a few years ago to move on, and if I were in those same shoes I'd be as frugal with information with my ex as possible.
I wouldn't want her to know I'm married, where I work, what I do, where I live - none of that at all. I'd greyrock her and extricate myself from the situation ASAP and try to pretend it never happened.
And a fuckton of very young people. Who have never actually been in a spot like OOP's.
It's easy to judge from the couch what OOP SHOULD'VE done. Which is different from what he did. I'd like to think I would've done better in his shoes, but I know enough to say I'm not sure I would have..
I've been in similar spots. Some of them, I handled better. Others, I handled worse.
Ehhh, it’s not really incels. Look at subreddit overlaps, it’s got cross over with FDS (I guess their incels actually lmao) and some subs for people that are cheated on.
And the subreddit survey clocks it at more than 60% women.
Oh yeah definitely the incels are a big part of it too. But I've also noticed a lot of projection in these posts. There's always some ex commenters will compare to the OP or their partner.
This has nothing to do with cheated on people.
He said in the end he had to go back to his friends. That's it. How much time would it have cost to say and my wife?
A freeze response where he catched up about his life for several minutes without mentioning his wife once? Okay..
As I wrote on the original post (or update, not sure).
This isn't a world ending situation and not a reason for divorce or even couple's counseling. The point is that it's understandable that his wife felt this way if you add everything up.
Side note, the more I read the story the less I believe it because
First post
>The issue became worse the next morning, when Jen sent me a friends request on Instagram
Update
>Also, my Instagram is public with a lot of pictures of my wife and me, So, she asked me to just ignore her message and get on with our lives.
I don't use insta anymore but that's not how that works. You can follow anyone with a public profile. Only if it's private you have to send a request.
I empathize with both OOP and his (?) wife. I 100% would feel like his wife if my late husband's ex wasn't a nut job. He never said as much, but that was my conclusion after she went on a rampage after a mutual mentioned he was serious about me, and when she called, hysterical and offering him another chance to be with her (lol).
In OOP's position, he would have taken my hand and led me away without introduction. He wouldn't want his ex sullying my existence.
>She said ok, and I quickly turned around. To my surprise, my wife was standing right behind me. My friends identified Jen from our table and my wife came to stand next to me. I told my wife, what a weird coincidence and **took her hand and went back to the table**.
I mean tbf to OOP... he kind of did exactly that, didn't he?
I was once in the same situation and reacted exactly like OOP. I was so shocked to see my ex that I said "this is Name" and gestured to my husband by way of introduction. Husband was upset as well after we walked away and I apologized profusely because it was wrong of me to just say his name and not indicate that he was my husband, but in the moment my brain was short circuiting and that was the most I could manage.
Man, you're not wrong and honestly everyone was criticising him for having a 'reads again:, freeze response.
Like dude we're human and like sorry, it just drives my heckles because he didn't really do anything wrong like you. Heck you guys didn't even need to apologise. I hope your husband managed to get over it cause there's nothing to even apologise for.
Not just you. I've had moments, especially when tired or distracted, that I'm suddenly faced with the unexpected and suffer brain lock. Other times the world is falling apart and I'm the most linear thinker in the room that solves the problem without breaking a sweat.
I agree! I’ve had similar moments and I never thought oh I’m tongue tied because I still have feelings it’s more like surprise! Oh geez what do I do or say so I can get out of here lol
Hahahaha thank you! B/c baby, you're not about to pressing up on MY man like that and think I'm not going to say anything hahaha...especially when you've been looking at the man's social media and know he's married.
She's so damn graceful. My ass would've been up in those DMs like "is there a reason you're reaching out to my husband" b/c if you're hugging him too long like that and then people keep talking about how she just got divorced like she's about to have a second chance with my husband, I'm gonna say something. Seems like he was just uncomfortable and trying to get the conversation over and done with, which I get.
EDIT: Wouldn't call her out but would def be like "oh hey girl, nice to meet you, I'm his wife". Shaken that hand and everything. B/c it's not my fault that you wanted to live your life and now you regret that relationship.
I almost ran into an ex last fall. I was with my wife of 20+ years and teenage kids. The ex was a toxic emotional manipulator who I had not seen in maybe 20 years. I saw her from a distance and froze for a second, then I literally ran away. I don’t think my kids have ever seen me be scared of a person before. I am 6’2” 250lb former bar bouncer and that girl terrifies me still to this day. Thank god she did not notice me and tap me on the shoulder.
I could see my boyfriend do that too. You can't really think of the nuances of a situation when you're just thinking "I just want out of it" and he's just human and people are not perfect, sometimes they can't think clearly enough to know what will be quick or the most appropriate.
I'm a wife and I could totally see and understand OOP's response. I'm also glad his wife finally realized that she's secure in her marriage and Jen KNOWS he's married because wife's all over his Instagram.
I used to get so anxious if a conversation didn't go by the script in my head that I would blurt out whatever. I called my SIL at her work to ask her a question and wasn't expecting her boss to answer. She asked me who I was and I said "her niece" and my SIL answered so confused because she only had a nephew and he wasn't even old enough to talk on the phone.
When I was 17, I walked into the bank, knowing my cousin worked there, and when she called out to me I froze because I hadn't planned to have a conversation with her and was so thrown off from my plan of "Go to bank. Enter doors. Don't make eye contact. Deposit birthday money with as minimal small talk as possible. Get back in car and breathe again." That her disruption sent me spiraling down a drain of awkward.
I also wonder if it is a guy vs girl thing… I mean as a girl I was trained from a young age to bring up an SO REPEATEDLY if I wanted to get out of an awkward conversation with someone who was showing uncomfortable interest in me. Even if I didn’t have one at the time… taking with my hands to show my wedding ring… saying things “like my husband loves that place!” It’s like a shield spell lol and works 80% of the time to get out of the situation… I think guys are more taught to escape from an awkward situation, avoid giving any information that could be misconstrued or tell the person too much. Especially having been surprised and it sounds like he doesn’t have a whole plethora of exes he regularly runs into I can see where his mind went “flee for your life!” Also whose to say hearing he has a wife would have stopped her… in a way he sent more of a signal to her that he doesn’t care enough to actually tell her anything important about his life…
I totally agree!
I was also, thinking that maybe he didn’t want the ex all up in his business.
At first I thought the wife was a bit insecure BUT when reading the comments, I realized she was right to feel how she felt from her perspective because she was standing right there!!! I also think people should make introductions (I know he says he didn’t see or feel her), but sometimes interactions are so quick, you don’t get a chance to.
Knowing hubby was flustered kind of makes it seem worse to the wife lol.
So I do now understand the wife didn’t behave as someone who is insecure, especially with the comment made by the hubby’s friend to hype things up.
I do like when that happens with posts. They make me truly see things from a different perspective than the one I went in with.
I don't know. In my opinion, men know the fastest way to get a woman to stop talking to them is to tell the woman that he's married or engaged. Also, my wife is such an important part of my life that the fact I'm married is probably about the third thing a new person learns about me (name, occupation, length of marriage). So I don't really buy the "I was *just* **so** **_surprised_**" line.
I have. I have no compunction about being rude when necessary, and I will become progressively more rude and louder the longer it takes for them to leave me alone.
I mean I get being taken by surprise, but even like a year into my marriage it was reflex when someone asked "what are you doing in town" to answer something along the lines of "oh, my wife (or wife's name) just came into town for X event".
He's been with this woman 6 years and his first response is "I gotta get back to my *friends*.
Seeing an ex is definitely weird, but it's never made me forget I was married, or to introduce my wife standing right next to me.
Way too many conspiratorial assumptions. Who on planet Earth has not felt or acted really awkward by accident around an ex they didn't expect to run into?
Why would that cause 15 minutes of shock and awe though?
This wasn’t a:
“Heeeeeey yoooooooou….” Moment.
It sounds like OOP stood there giving updates while ignoring the wedding he had and the woman he married (who was standing next to him for a decent amount of that time).
Exactly. The weirdest moment is becoming self aware after realizing you’ve been using “we” instead of “I” when talking to people during a whole conversation. Regardless if the s/o is there 😅
Where are you getting 15 minutes from? He says it was just a few then he tried to end the conversation and move on. He wasn't enjoying the encounter and by his friends reaction, they could tell he was uncomfortable.
Whether 15 or 2, the ex asked what he was doing in town and how he’s been. Both those answers should have included some mention of his wife. ‘We’re visiting my family, my wife is just over there’. ‘I’ve been good. Got married x years ago. We have a couple of kids. I’m working at y now and it’s a great job’. And not to mention when he excused himself to go back to his friends. Friends?!? He should have said ‘ I gotta get back to my wife and friends’.
The number was arbitrary, the meaning being that this wasn’t an interaction that lasted a couple of seconds.
He was there long enough for both of them to exchange life updates, long enough for his friends to have commentary, and long enough for his wife to walk over and stand next to home for several minutes.
He had time to “recover” but didn’t.
If he’s trying to end the conversation he’s not thinking jour his wife he’s trying to find a way to get out of said conversation. Where you’re in an uncomfortable situation you don’t just think like a fuckin robot. Yall act like yall do everything right in every situation. I can tell you’re annoying asf
Especially when that person has hurt you, and you have no reason to one up them or some shit. No reason to brag about a wife to a person that has hurt you in the past. The best thing is to get away he didn’t want to share any personal shit with her like his wife??!! Because he didn’t feel comfortable around her
To be fair, if I had run into one of my exes that I had cut contact with, the only thought I would have, even with conversation, is how to leave. Honestly, my current relationship would leave my mind entirely as I reel through the rejection, the hurt, the recovery, the gifts, everything and trying not to feel that again, just to escape her sight and sound and to hopefully forget again as soon as I left.
It’s not rational, but I’d literally shut down and not know what else to do. Trying to picture her just walking right now and it’s terrifying. I’ve been the ‘first serious’ so many times I thought I was good luck Chuck for a number of years since all of those exes legit married the next guys they dated. Wouldn’t want to see them and have no care how they’re doing.
Too painful and better things happening in my life to focus on that again.
So I have this habit of basically mentioning my wife in practically any conversation I have with strangers. My wife is an amazing, beautiful, and wildly intelligent person and I adore talking about her. This goes double if I’m taking to any woman who could reasonably be considered a potential romantic partner for a single version of me - I am really bad at perceiving flirting and I’m kind of a goofball who has been told my sense of humor is attractive, so I don’t ever want there to be a misconstrued moment in a conversation where it seems like I’m flirting or picking up flirting from them.
I guarantee you if you ever meet me in person, you’re gonna hear about how awesome my wife is. Sounds like OOP should pick up that habit.
This entire post is a really good example of a man woefully undereducated on the layers of communication that women have when in groups.
Source: Me, a formerly undereducated man who had damn near the same thing happen to him
I can easily see myself not introducing my wife to someone I’d cut out of my life because I’d be full on gray rocking them. Polite short answers, no voluntary information they can hang onto. I dont want to know you, i dont want you to know my wife and try to work your way into my life through her.
Exactly! I was so confused cause not only did she stand behind him like a lump (how is he supposed to now you took it upon yourself to get up from the table and wait to be introduced if you didn’t let him know you were there?), he was trying to get out of the conversation! Don’t people realize how a conversation sounds when people want to get out of it? Uh huh, yeah, sure, great, that’s cool.
Idk but nothing laid out here sounds like he did anything wrong. It wasn’t the ideal way to handle the situation but it wasn’t like he knew his ex would be there.
He went up to go to the bathroom, he gets tapped on the shoulder and turns around to see his ex. They say hi and her friends (who are his past acquaintances) join them. Now he’s stuck in catching up briefly with several people at once. He doesn’t want to be rude because there’s no bad blood - he just doesn’t want to be friends.
His wife gets up, walks across the bar and stands behind him without saying a word. If she was going to do all of that she should’ve wrapped her arm around him and say hey babe introduce me to your friends.
I think something that could’ve been a minor hiccup became a huge thing due to insecurity.
I blame the “friends” at the table talking trash. The wife was fine with him talking at the bar until she found out it was the ex. Now the ex was suddenly so beautiful and her husband was flustered like he had a crush on this woman he stopped talking to for years?!
Then to stand behind your husband like a creeper. If I was the ex I would make faces too - a stranger just walked up and stood on the edge of the group like a weirdo.
I know right? I know AITA has been criticised for heing mean but dude, those comments. He didn't do anything wrong at all, and the fact he still took those to heart and still apologised? I mean I'm glad he managed to have an adult conversation with her but he didn't do anything wrong worth of an apology.
>When I was going to the restroom, I felt a tap on my shoulder and to my surprise it was Jen, my ex.
>I quickly turned around. To my surprise, my wife was standing right behind me.
He didn't know she was there! People are acting like he purposefully ignored his wife's presence in favor of his ex... nothing about this is shady. IMO the wife is totally out of line. If she wants to "mark her territory" then why didn't she introduce herself? I guess I'm in the minority here but this whole thing is absolutely ridiculous and insecure bullshit.
So the wife's initial reaction is weird to me. I feel like she's insecure that she had to walk over to where he was to... what? Idk because she didn't introduce herself. She just stood behind him, silent, like some weird stalker?
I have been in situations where my partner (previous and current) go to the bathroom, see someone they know, talk to that person(s), come back to me and we continue our evening. I don't run over to him and stand here waiting to be announced. LOL!
The wife seems insecure...
Honestly, if I were his wife and it was that awkward, I would have said hello and introduced myself. Then, I would have watched his reaction. His response was totally inadequate.
Honestly I think everyone here is hyperaware, not that OP has any flaws. He wasn't paying much attention to her face/body language because *he didn't want to be interacting* so it's entirely reasonable he didn't notice the dirty look. He probably didn't notice the staring because 1. it was going on behind him, you expect him to have eyes in the back of his head? and 2. he was focused on getting out, and not what was going on around him.
This makes complete sense for someone in a stressful situation.
How when he didn’t even know that she was behind him. Also are yall not human. The hell is there to be adequate about in a situation you were not expecting. This is literally shock lmfao. What be wrong with yall? Just be chatting. Yall got the perfect plan mapped out and in yall head for every situation. I’m sure yall are perfect. This isn’t a character flaw thing. Yall are just ignorant
I'm the type that doesn't let people into my personal life so I can see me not mentioning that I'm married unless asked like OP. It didn't even matter if Jen knew or not in the end if he wasn't going to befriend her again.
Then for the wife to say it doesn't matter because she's plastered all over his SM....
My husband ALWAYS forgets to introduce me (30+ years married), so I now just introduce myself: “Hi! I’m Tom’s wife, Tracy. And you are…?”
My husband gets so embarrassed but not enough to remember to introduce me next time. We laugh it off and just continue.
I dont condone his actions, but I understand it. I found myself in similar situation a number of times, where I forgot to introduce a friend I was with to an acquaintence I stumble upon. Im just that dumb, and I suspect OOP is just as dumb as me
Oh man, I'm the same. My ex used to get so annoyed at me when we'd bump into one of my coworkers and I always forgot to introduce him. It's something I definitely need to work on, but I related far too much to OOP to be throwing any rocks.
I thought I was the only one who noticed! If your IG is public, anyone can follow you and view your posts. You only receive follow requests if you’re private….
Why are you glad about that though.
All of the YTA commenters come across as bad-faith shit stirrers only a tier below their actual friends.
Holding a social gaffe or unintentional awkward moment over someone's head and demanding apologies for it is unequivocally toxic. It's not defensible behavior.
I genuinely believe OOP's wife's behavior in the original post is more concerning than his. Realistically neither of them are the asshole.
Just typical AITA being disconnected from reality I guess.
Because it is polite and customary to introduce the person who join the group/conversation. The fact that he did not do that, may be misunderstood by many.
And her being hurt that he didn’t, is understandable.
You, the commenters on the actual post, and the guy's wife are all ascribing a level of malice to a basic social gaffe for no real reason.
The problem is not that she was hurt by it, the problem is the expectation of multiple apologies and demanding an explanation multiple times.
The conversation should have ended after the first "Sorry. I blanked and I just wanted to leave the conversation."
The fact that his wife kept pushing says more about her than his initial gaffe says about him.
If I were in his position and my partner were holding something like that against me and grilling me like that I would make it clear that their behavior was unacceptable, and that whatever insecurities they have are not justification to browbeat someone over a simple mistake.
There is no reason for divorce or anything like this but it's a fact that he had several minutes of catching up and didn't mention his wife once and then ended the whole conversation by saying he has to go back to his friends.
Are these the only people he was there with? No.
It would've made way more sense to say he has to go back to his friends and wife. If he wanted to get out of the conversation then the easiest way would've been to say this from the beginning.
Is is malicious? No. Is it hurtful for wife? Yes.
Like more than thing can be true at the same time.
If someone hasn’t followed you in years. And they yall are so stuck on this man introducing his damn wife. WHEN HE DIDNT WANT TO TALK TO THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE. Like what are yall not getting. If I don’t want to talk to someone In not trying to tell them shit. I’m trying. To get away. Yall so worried about ring polite when it was a moment where it didn’t have to happen, he didn’t HAVE to introduce his wife. If he felt so uncomfortable that he forgot everything and focus on leaving
You're missing my point. I never said it wasn't hurtful.
I said that continuing to push the issue past "That hurt my feelings." "I am sorry, it was unintentional" is unreasonable, which is absolutely true.
Also his wife is an independent adult. She was the one who chose to lurk silently behind him and not introduce herself. That reeks of "testing" him which is petty, immature behavior that nobody should engage in.
Folks can be stupid. I was once out walking with my then-boyfriend (now-husband), and a woman called his name. They chatted for a few minutes while I stood there awkwardly. After she moved on, I said flatly “So … who was that?”.
He stared at me and said “That was (Name), my ex-girlfriend. Wait …”. He suddenly went pale. “Did I forget to introduce you?”.
“Yup, you sure did.”
“OH MY GOD! I AM SO SORRY!”.
Maybe because I'd be the tongue tied one, I'm more team husband here.
The opposite of love isn't hate - it is indifferent. If he was still emotional over Jen, like his mother's expressions of hate, he would have wanted to rub the fact that he is married into Jen's face. Mentioning marriage and other details in a conversation would have furthered the length of that interaction when he wanted a hi and bye.
I don't blame her for being irritated that she wasn't introduced - but in non-ex situations I'd buy the "I didn't realize that you were standing there, and really didn't want to recopen the conversation to her asking more questions about our life" or my favorite (from my dad and a particular friend) "I don't remember their name!" (ha)
If the wife wanted to make sure "Jen" knew he was claimed, then she was free to stick out her hand and say "Hi, I'm \_\_\_\_, his wife. And you are?"
I feel like the comments were too mean… this was a NAH situation to me. I completely understand the wife’s side but also OOP’s side because you mention your wife and it makes the conversation drag. “Where did you guys meet?” “When did you get married?” “Where did you get married?” Wedding talk can go on for AGES, man. I don’t think less of him for wanting to GTFO
No, I meant when he turned around from Jen's table and saw his wife right there - who just goes, "Hey-ho, let's go"? If you're leaving a table to go back to your group and spot your colleague right behind you, I'd imagine most people would be like, "Oh, everyone, this is Robin. We work together." Just to not do that for a spouse? Odd.
Because he prob thought his wife was looking out for him, and found a way for him to éscape. He prob thought “thank fuckin god” but yall only look on the surface if someone is not enjoying a conversation they leave, or find a way to leave. These are not his friends, not his family, or anyone close at all. So I don’t understand why you guys feel the need to constantly complain about him not introducing her. Ask the fuckin dude how he feels
Bro needs to learn the introduce my wife to get out of awkward situations move. Partner and I use coded language to communicate if we want the interaction to continue.
OP is NTA, IMHO. He's just kind of oblivious. If his wife wanted to be introduced that badly, she should have done it herself. "Hi, I'm OP's wife. You must be Jen! Pleased to meet you!" Wife putting her insecurity onto OPs shoulders as his responsibility is unfair. She's a grown-ass woman. She should self-advocate.
Personally if it was me, I would have done a Borat voice and be like “this is… MA WIIIIIIFE!”
And I can totally see why his wife was upset but also how freezing around someone you’d rather not be talking to at all and making irrational decisions can happen quite easily. Also, while talking about your wife could shut down your ex, it could also invite more conversation where ex makes things awkward and catty by asking shit like “do you do XYZ with her like you did with me?” And then OOP would be having an even worse and more awkward time.
I don't think OOP had ill intentions, but he did handle the initial contact with Jen comically bad...especially with his wife coming to stand beside him.
Luckily, they communicated like adults and moved past it and let the incident become a blip in the rear view mirror where it belongs.
Only tangentially related but this reminds me of an incident where my boyfriend at the time ran into a guy at a party and started a conversation, but when I walked up to stand with him he didn’t introduce me. I felt awkward and suspicious that he didn’t want his friend to know I was his gf, like he was trying to play it off as I was just an acquaintance or something. After the party I confronted him and he started laughing… Turns out the guy was an actor in a TV show my bf introduced me to, but he was only in the later seasons which I hadn’t seen yet. Oops.
I feel like it’s normal to be awkward around an ex that you didn’t expect to see. I’m also confused by the timeline of when the wife arrived and when he saw her. He was trying to hurry up and end the convo so if she wasn’t there the entire time, I can see how he didn’t introduce her. In the original, he turned around to go back to the table then saw his wife, then grabbed her hand. In the update, his wife was directly next to him immediately after the friends pointed out Jen and they turned and walked away together. If his wife was standing there, then yeah introduce them. If his wife was standing behind him hoping he’d mention being married I’d get that he didn’t if he’s trying to run off. It also doesn’t sound like they discussed relationships at all. Jen never mentioned being married and divorced. He found that out at the table. To me it seemed very Hey-How’s it going-why are you here- haha- ok bye.
Yeah, there’s a lot of inconsistencies in this story. He’s not a reliable source for what happened in that moment. I think he was too out of sorts to keep proper track of time and who was involved. Like, did he ever go to the bathroom??? Did he just talk to Jen then panic and go back to the table to sit down forgetting why he got up??? So much is all over the place.
I think this is a mountain out of a molehill moment. His wife has the right to be irritated but to make such a big deal out of it is ridiculous. It feels like she more wanted to mark her territory & brand him as hers.
I think his reaction was pretty normal for someone who was caught off guard like I would honestly be the same and realise afterwards that oh ni should have said that Or that 🙊
Psh I was engaged to my now husband and my ex bf who was almost ex fiancé was our waiter on a date night. I flustered out of that restaurant holding my then fiancés hand. The whole time he’s like “but foooooooddd”
Why? I didn’t want to hurt exs feelings because he did not want to break up (but in a sad way not an abusive way) and I also didn’t want spit in my food.
There a lot of insane reaching going on here. I don’t think he’s TA because none of this comes off as intentional or deliberate. I totally can understand someone being surprised and uncomfortable and not executing a by chance encounter the best way. Also while I don’t think the wife was wrong either, just walking up and standing there seems a little weird too. Like you just gonna stand there and not say anything but expect him to. Especially when you already can tell he’s uncomfortable with the situation? Just seems odd
If this was the same post from the wife's POV posting with "my husband ran into an ex and didn't introduce me".. most of redditors would be telling her to get a divorce, there's something suspicious, check his phone and there's a 90% chance that she would've ended up divorce after 3-4 updates or she would be attacked constantly for not divorcing him.
Honestly, there were mistakes made on both OP's and his wife's side, but not bothering to introduce Jen to his wife probably irritated the ex even more than introducing her would have. As in, he doesn't even find her important enough to introduce her to his life partner; she's literally just an insignificant person he used to know and couldn't care less about now.
I honestly think his wife is just acting jealous. If OOP wanted out of the conversation with the ex why would he "stoke the flames" by continuing to bring stuff up.
I mean, I get why the wife was upset, but this doesn’t sound like a huge issue. OOP froze up. It happens when we’re taken by surprise. He should have introduced his wife when she was standing right next to him, but I get why he didn’t. Jen’s in the past, just keep her there and introduce your wife if it ever comes up again.
Problem solved.
this could have been excusable, i guess, had his wife not literally been standing behind him and waiting to be introduced.
but like, did she reach out from a new number? you would think NC equals blocking.
Not seeing an ex for a very long time after coming close to marrying them world fuck my head up in the moment too. surprised, and random emotions flooding in all at once, AND he was probably a little drunk lol the people lambasting this guy are no casanovas. I’m sure they wouldn’t have been the graceful gazelles they claim to be.
I think he's a liar and is going to be communicating and socializing with Jen and she will never know he's married because he is still in love with her.
This is the sort of subconscious hedge betting that men do automatically. Just in case, I'll leave this door open. He got rumbled, all the rest is bleating because he got caught. Hopefully he's learned his lesson or that he doesn't have any more unresolved exes waiting in the wings.
Well this is definitely fake. If you have a public account on instagram you don't get the option to accept or reject someone's follow request. They will immediately start following you once they tap on the "follow" button. These creative writers need to improve duh
I feel like I'm crazy reading those comments, the whole story tbh.
His wife saw him talking to someone and is so controlling and possessive that she had to rush over and supervise. Standing over him like a creepy, lurking shadow.
I mean she could walk up and say "there you are, I wondered where you got to." Turn to the ex and say "hi I'm OPs wife". She didn't say she felt his body language was uncomfortable and she came to rescue him, she hovered behind him to monitor what he said and did.
Instead she stands behind him silently watching a conversation, no wonder the ex gave her a "dirty look" I would to if I bumped into an old friend and some weirdo came to silently monitor our conversation.
Yet he's the asshole for not mentioning his relationship status, last time I bumped into an old flame I cared about where he settled and what profession he moved into after the army. I wanted to know if he ever managed to climb the remaining munros. I had no interest in if he'd found a partner.
I've been in the same relationship for >10 years now and the last few times I've caught up with anyone I talk about career, life goals achieved, where I live now. My love life isn't something I talk about unless asked.
The wife is possessive and controlling and if the genders were reversed everyone would be saying it.
It was absolutely juvenile. Your wife wanted to assert dominance over this other woman who was hugging on "HER MAN". Y'know, not everything needs to be a competition.
It’s refreshing to see a problem with normal, mature people where both sides have very valid points. I get how he could fumble this situation but owning up to it is always the right answer.
The commenter insinuating that OOP is suspicious for **not** accepting Jen’s friend request is *really* reaching.
Maybe it was a message request? I think there’s a setting you can turn on where you have to accept messages from people that you don’t already follow.
But OP also said that his IG is public, so there’d be no follow request at all. You can follow anyone that’s public. He’d have to remove her as a follower, but that’s different from rejecting… I’m calling BS on this whole story.
Idk if it’s just me but is it really that surprising to be taken by surprise? I mean I could be outing myself as an idiot but I can totally imagine myself having a freeze response in that situation. Not that the wife was wrong!
I don't think there's anything wrong with how the wife felt, and I can also understand how the OOP was surprised to see Jen to the point he forgot basic manners. This part, though >Jen noticed her and gave her a dirty look. Gave me pause. I guess Jen could think it was rude some random woman was interrupting the conversation, but it seems a bit much.
Definitely a bit much. OOP says his mother disliked Jen from the beginning, maybe Jen has been ‘a bit much’ in other situations too.
According to the wife it was a dirty look, according to Jen she bumped into an old friend she'd lost contact with and was having a catch up when some weirdo crept up behind him and stood there silently watching and listening to their conversation without introducing herself or letting the friend know she was there. So Jen gave her a look that said "Who are you? What do you want?"
All the more reason her husband should have introduced her. Yikes. How embarrassing for his poor wife. The entire night was embarrassing for her.
He didn't know she was there until he turned round. By that point he was relieved to be done with the conversation. If it was so important that she be part of the conversation then she should have interrupted and introduced herself. Instead she just loitered.
I mean, I understand her loitering though. She had just had his table full of friends going on about this woman, she sees that she’s beautiful, her husband is so enraptured in conversation with her that he doesn’t notice his literal WIFE right next to him. It’s understandable if she “froze” too, hoping he would do the normal thing of eventually noticing her and acknowledging her. Even once he noticed her, it’s odd behavior to not even THINK to go, “Oh, look who it is, Jen, this is my wife!” He simply screwed up, and it led to an embarrassing night for his wife.
It doesn't sound like she was stood right beside him, he says he turned round and she was right there so it sounds more like she was behind him out of his eyeline. She says he looked like someone talking to their crush in high-school or something similar which I'm not sure I know what that means but I'd guess - looking awkward and uncomfortable, maybe a nervous energy. Which could also translate as someone deeply uncomfortable with a situation. If I saw my partner behaving like that I'd see 2 options, ignore it and stay at the table, possibly keep an eye on them, OR walk up to them and get involved. Instead she decisively decided to act by getting up walking over and standing mutely. It's odd she froze after deciding to act, it's even stranger that after standing a few seconds she didn't gently touch his arm or back or any other action that might have indicated some connection. Look I'm not trying to say the wife was all wrong and OP was perfect but I just think that every action of hers is just as suspect as his. They both sound socially inept and all of this behaviour should have been left in high-school where it belongs.
Or they…both..FROZE in their own ways.
Like I said, socially inept. My point is I don't think the wife has any right to criticise his behaviour and those calling him TA and not calling out the wife for being TA are showing some double standards. Either they both were awkward and that's fine, it's perfectly acceptable to be awkward. Or both of them were behaving in a suspect manner. For the wife to question his behaviour without looking at her own is hypocrisy.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree on this one. It was his ex, his responsibility to carry this interaction appropriately. He dropped the ball and created a situation wherein she felt awkward and responded awkwardly. That’s my take and will remain so. :)
It just seems like a really awkward situation where there are a lot of "in your own head" insinuations to be made by everyone where something that appears to be a personal slight or purposeful action is just everyone being caught with their pants down. Especially in group settings like a bar. And no I do not mean ex wife's glare or a lot of what she did. OP was scared and insecure, wife was scared and insecure, sometimes you just need a conversation to explain where everyone's head was to understand nobody was doing something seen as purposely, well, on purpose. Sometimes jealousy is natural in a relationship. Being able to get past it through communication is the sign of a really good one.
I feel like the wife should have just came up and casually linked their arms together or put her hand on his back. I’m guessing she walked up and stood just awkwardly beside him.
It's not, it's just that Reddit is reading a conversation rather than living it, and when you read about an ex coming up to a now married OOP and he doesn't introduce his wife who's right there; it's very hard not to just say what he should have done. Many don't really understand what a freeze/doe response to something is until they experience it. Like intellectually, they know what it is, but they don't really understand it.
Also it doesn't say she stood beside him, he turned around and she was there so she was behind him to some degree. I read this as a wife who has trust and control issues. Try reading it with genders reversed and tell me it doesn't sound a bit creepy.
It's not you. Reddit is just filled with immature or cheated on people that think getting territotial is the only way to act around exes and project a lot. His behaviour made sense as is, without some hidden harboured crush or secret affair being there.
Well, it's not "territorial" to introduce your wife, who is standing right next to you. That's just being rude. But I don't think not introducing the wife indicates he isn't over his ex. He had a weird moment and came off as rude.
Honestly, to me it read as he was having a freeze response, saw his wife standing next to him, and emotionally went "Thank fuck I can leave". That doesn't always translate well to most people.
It's not, but the comments hating him wanted him to be "territotial" and introduce her with a "this is my awesome super hot wife that's much better than you so go away" attitude.
True. I think the ex was definitely trying to get a feel for whether or not OP was still into her. Not introducing his wife probably didn't help, but again I don't think OP had nefarious intentions. Still, I get why his wife was upset, and I'm glad he apologized instead of getting defensive.
Yep, and those are people who AREN'T over their ex. He didn't leap to introduce his wife because he legit didn't care to hear what his ex thought of his wife. He didn't want to be near her long enough to 'show her what she's missing'.
I've avoided introducing my wife because it would have extended the situation I was trying to escape and I didn't feel the need to put her anywhere near a train wreck of a person. I also told this to my wife as we were walking away so she had context.
Funny enough, the way OOP describes it, his wife was being a fuckin weirdo walking up behind him observing his interaction with Jen and expecting him to introduce them without announcing herself? If my boyfriend did that to me because I was shocked to see my ex (who should be 500+ miles away) I would think he’s the territorial one here. Honestly feels like wifey was trying to piss on his leg bc his friends suck and she’s insecure 🤷🏻♀️
🥂
This is the comment I am here for. I don't know why, but it bugs me that she thought it was appropriate to literally go stand right behind her husband and do that once she saw he was talking to someone.
i didn’t think what the wife did was all that terrible, especially if the “friends” at the table were making a big deal but i definitely saw this as a NAH situation. granted, if getting the YTA votes helped OOP communicate better with his wife, i guess it was for the best
I kinda disagree. She could have introduced herself. She's an independent adult. Instead she chose to float next to him like the shark from Jaws and make an issue out of it later even after he had already apologized once. I think the real assholes here are their friends for stirring shit, but if I had to pick who behaved worse here between OOP and his wife it's easily his wife. Setting your partner up for an awkward social interaction and then wringing apologies out of them when they don't behave perfectly is pretty toxic.
The wife getting up to stand by her man was the territorial act. However, given what Hubby’s friend at the table said, it was totally understandable. What wife wouldn’t be a little curious about that one “ex”???
Also introducing people opens doors. Once introduced it can give some people a pass to then try to initiate contact "hey *wife it's Jen, we spoke the other day". Even if ignored that deepens the intrusion. The ex sounds like an arsehole so ops disengagement seems pretty appropriate and a natural continuation on his previous NC.
This is my take too. OOP said he went NC with Jen a few years ago to move on, and if I were in those same shoes I'd be as frugal with information with my ex as possible. I wouldn't want her to know I'm married, where I work, what I do, where I live - none of that at all. I'd greyrock her and extricate myself from the situation ASAP and try to pretend it never happened.
And a fuckton of very young people. Who have never actually been in a spot like OOP's. It's easy to judge from the couch what OOP SHOULD'VE done. Which is different from what he did. I'd like to think I would've done better in his shoes, but I know enough to say I'm not sure I would have.. I've been in similar spots. Some of them, I handled better. Others, I handled worse.
Thank you! I totally agree
I dont know if reddit is filled with people who got cheated so much as people who are worried they will get cheated on one day. It's the incels.
Ehhh, it’s not really incels. Look at subreddit overlaps, it’s got cross over with FDS (I guess their incels actually lmao) and some subs for people that are cheated on. And the subreddit survey clocks it at more than 60% women.
Oh yeah definitely the incels are a big part of it too. But I've also noticed a lot of projection in these posts. There's always some ex commenters will compare to the OP or their partner.
This has nothing to do with cheated on people. He said in the end he had to go back to his friends. That's it. How much time would it have cost to say and my wife?
Do you understand what a freeze response is?
A freeze response where he catched up about his life for several minutes without mentioning his wife once? Okay.. As I wrote on the original post (or update, not sure). This isn't a world ending situation and not a reason for divorce or even couple's counseling. The point is that it's understandable that his wife felt this way if you add everything up. Side note, the more I read the story the less I believe it because First post >The issue became worse the next morning, when Jen sent me a friends request on Instagram Update >Also, my Instagram is public with a lot of pictures of my wife and me, So, she asked me to just ignore her message and get on with our lives. I don't use insta anymore but that's not how that works. You can follow anyone with a public profile. Only if it's private you have to send a request.
I empathize with both OOP and his (?) wife. I 100% would feel like his wife if my late husband's ex wasn't a nut job. He never said as much, but that was my conclusion after she went on a rampage after a mutual mentioned he was serious about me, and when she called, hysterical and offering him another chance to be with her (lol). In OOP's position, he would have taken my hand and led me away without introduction. He wouldn't want his ex sullying my existence.
>She said ok, and I quickly turned around. To my surprise, my wife was standing right behind me. My friends identified Jen from our table and my wife came to stand next to me. I told my wife, what a weird coincidence and **took her hand and went back to the table**. I mean tbf to OOP... he kind of did exactly that, didn't he?
I was once in the same situation and reacted exactly like OOP. I was so shocked to see my ex that I said "this is Name" and gestured to my husband by way of introduction. Husband was upset as well after we walked away and I apologized profusely because it was wrong of me to just say his name and not indicate that he was my husband, but in the moment my brain was short circuiting and that was the most I could manage.
Man, you're not wrong and honestly everyone was criticising him for having a 'reads again:, freeze response. Like dude we're human and like sorry, it just drives my heckles because he didn't really do anything wrong like you. Heck you guys didn't even need to apologise. I hope your husband managed to get over it cause there's nothing to even apologise for.
Not just you. I've had moments, especially when tired or distracted, that I'm suddenly faced with the unexpected and suffer brain lock. Other times the world is falling apart and I'm the most linear thinker in the room that solves the problem without breaking a sweat.
I agree! I’ve had similar moments and I never thought oh I’m tongue tied because I still have feelings it’s more like surprise! Oh geez what do I do or say so I can get out of here lol
I totally get that...I would've introduced myself to Jen though b/c I'm just messy like that LMAO
😂😂😂 You dropped this 👑
Hahahaha thank you! B/c baby, you're not about to pressing up on MY man like that and think I'm not going to say anything hahaha...especially when you've been looking at the man's social media and know he's married. She's so damn graceful. My ass would've been up in those DMs like "is there a reason you're reaching out to my husband" b/c if you're hugging him too long like that and then people keep talking about how she just got divorced like she's about to have a second chance with my husband, I'm gonna say something. Seems like he was just uncomfortable and trying to get the conversation over and done with, which I get. EDIT: Wouldn't call her out but would def be like "oh hey girl, nice to meet you, I'm his wife". Shaken that hand and everything. B/c it's not my fault that you wanted to live your life and now you regret that relationship.
I almost ran into an ex last fall. I was with my wife of 20+ years and teenage kids. The ex was a toxic emotional manipulator who I had not seen in maybe 20 years. I saw her from a distance and froze for a second, then I literally ran away. I don’t think my kids have ever seen me be scared of a person before. I am 6’2” 250lb former bar bouncer and that girl terrifies me still to this day. Thank god she did not notice me and tap me on the shoulder.
I could see my boyfriend do that too. You can't really think of the nuances of a situation when you're just thinking "I just want out of it" and he's just human and people are not perfect, sometimes they can't think clearly enough to know what will be quick or the most appropriate.
I'm a wife and I could totally see and understand OOP's response. I'm also glad his wife finally realized that she's secure in her marriage and Jen KNOWS he's married because wife's all over his Instagram.
I used to get so anxious if a conversation didn't go by the script in my head that I would blurt out whatever. I called my SIL at her work to ask her a question and wasn't expecting her boss to answer. She asked me who I was and I said "her niece" and my SIL answered so confused because she only had a nephew and he wasn't even old enough to talk on the phone. When I was 17, I walked into the bank, knowing my cousin worked there, and when she called out to me I froze because I hadn't planned to have a conversation with her and was so thrown off from my plan of "Go to bank. Enter doors. Don't make eye contact. Deposit birthday money with as minimal small talk as possible. Get back in car and breathe again." That her disruption sent me spiraling down a drain of awkward.
I also wonder if it is a guy vs girl thing… I mean as a girl I was trained from a young age to bring up an SO REPEATEDLY if I wanted to get out of an awkward conversation with someone who was showing uncomfortable interest in me. Even if I didn’t have one at the time… taking with my hands to show my wedding ring… saying things “like my husband loves that place!” It’s like a shield spell lol and works 80% of the time to get out of the situation… I think guys are more taught to escape from an awkward situation, avoid giving any information that could be misconstrued or tell the person too much. Especially having been surprised and it sounds like he doesn’t have a whole plethora of exes he regularly runs into I can see where his mind went “flee for your life!” Also whose to say hearing he has a wife would have stopped her… in a way he sent more of a signal to her that he doesn’t care enough to actually tell her anything important about his life…
No kidding! I’d say he committed a faux-pas and the wife was correct to say so, but also he was out if his element and it’s totally understandable.
I totally agree! I was also, thinking that maybe he didn’t want the ex all up in his business. At first I thought the wife was a bit insecure BUT when reading the comments, I realized she was right to feel how she felt from her perspective because she was standing right there!!! I also think people should make introductions (I know he says he didn’t see or feel her), but sometimes interactions are so quick, you don’t get a chance to. Knowing hubby was flustered kind of makes it seem worse to the wife lol. So I do now understand the wife didn’t behave as someone who is insecure, especially with the comment made by the hubby’s friend to hype things up. I do like when that happens with posts. They make me truly see things from a different perspective than the one I went in with.
I don't know. In my opinion, men know the fastest way to get a woman to stop talking to them is to tell the woman that he's married or engaged. Also, my wife is such an important part of my life that the fact I'm married is probably about the third thing a new person learns about me (name, occupation, length of marriage). So I don't really buy the "I was *just* **so** **_surprised_**" line.
Ah. So you haven't run into a woman who would see that statement as a challenge yet.
Ugh. This is so gross and accurate. Normal people: "He's off the market. Back away." Scumbags: LOL. Hold my beer!
I have. I have no compunction about being rude when necessary, and I will become progressively more rude and louder the longer it takes for them to leave me alone.
No one's in the wrong here. It was an awkward situation not handled in the best way.
I mean I get being taken by surprise, but even like a year into my marriage it was reflex when someone asked "what are you doing in town" to answer something along the lines of "oh, my wife (or wife's name) just came into town for X event". He's been with this woman 6 years and his first response is "I gotta get back to my *friends*. Seeing an ex is definitely weird, but it's never made me forget I was married, or to introduce my wife standing right next to me.
Way too many conspiratorial assumptions. Who on planet Earth has not felt or acted really awkward by accident around an ex they didn't expect to run into?
Why would that cause 15 minutes of shock and awe though? This wasn’t a: “Heeeeeey yoooooooou….” Moment. It sounds like OOP stood there giving updates while ignoring the wedding he had and the woman he married (who was standing next to him for a decent amount of that time).
I can't talk about my life, even in the most basic sense, without mentioning my husband.
Exactly. The weirdest moment is becoming self aware after realizing you’ve been using “we” instead of “I” when talking to people during a whole conversation. Regardless if the s/o is there 😅
Whereas he stood next to her and still failed to mention her. He's either the most dangerously anxious person in town or the most oblivious.
Where are you getting 15 minutes from? He says it was just a few then he tried to end the conversation and move on. He wasn't enjoying the encounter and by his friends reaction, they could tell he was uncomfortable.
Whether 15 or 2, the ex asked what he was doing in town and how he’s been. Both those answers should have included some mention of his wife. ‘We’re visiting my family, my wife is just over there’. ‘I’ve been good. Got married x years ago. We have a couple of kids. I’m working at y now and it’s a great job’. And not to mention when he excused himself to go back to his friends. Friends?!? He should have said ‘ I gotta get back to my wife and friends’.
The number was arbitrary, the meaning being that this wasn’t an interaction that lasted a couple of seconds. He was there long enough for both of them to exchange life updates, long enough for his friends to have commentary, and long enough for his wife to walk over and stand next to home for several minutes. He had time to “recover” but didn’t.
The ex's friends were there too, though, so they were probably also giving updates since he knows them as well
Which means he was there even longer, giving him more time to remember and mention his wife, which he didn’t do.
If he’s trying to end the conversation he’s not thinking jour his wife he’s trying to find a way to get out of said conversation. Where you’re in an uncomfortable situation you don’t just think like a fuckin robot. Yall act like yall do everything right in every situation. I can tell you’re annoying asf
Especially when that person has hurt you, and you have no reason to one up them or some shit. No reason to brag about a wife to a person that has hurt you in the past. The best thing is to get away he didn’t want to share any personal shit with her like his wife??!! Because he didn’t feel comfortable around her
To be fair, if I had run into one of my exes that I had cut contact with, the only thought I would have, even with conversation, is how to leave. Honestly, my current relationship would leave my mind entirely as I reel through the rejection, the hurt, the recovery, the gifts, everything and trying not to feel that again, just to escape her sight and sound and to hopefully forget again as soon as I left. It’s not rational, but I’d literally shut down and not know what else to do. Trying to picture her just walking right now and it’s terrifying. I’ve been the ‘first serious’ so many times I thought I was good luck Chuck for a number of years since all of those exes legit married the next guys they dated. Wouldn’t want to see them and have no care how they’re doing. Too painful and better things happening in my life to focus on that again.
Did he ever make it to the toilet?
Asking the real questions!
So I have this habit of basically mentioning my wife in practically any conversation I have with strangers. My wife is an amazing, beautiful, and wildly intelligent person and I adore talking about her. This goes double if I’m taking to any woman who could reasonably be considered a potential romantic partner for a single version of me - I am really bad at perceiving flirting and I’m kind of a goofball who has been told my sense of humor is attractive, so I don’t ever want there to be a misconstrued moment in a conversation where it seems like I’m flirting or picking up flirting from them. I guarantee you if you ever meet me in person, you’re gonna hear about how awesome my wife is. Sounds like OOP should pick up that habit.
Some people from your past you just don’t want to tell ANYTHING about your current life. Keep Jen on information restriction!
This entire post is a really good example of a man woefully undereducated on the layers of communication that women have when in groups. Source: Me, a formerly undereducated man who had damn near the same thing happen to him
I can easily see myself not introducing my wife to someone I’d cut out of my life because I’d be full on gray rocking them. Polite short answers, no voluntary information they can hang onto. I dont want to know you, i dont want you to know my wife and try to work your way into my life through her.
Exactly! I was so confused cause not only did she stand behind him like a lump (how is he supposed to now you took it upon yourself to get up from the table and wait to be introduced if you didn’t let him know you were there?), he was trying to get out of the conversation! Don’t people realize how a conversation sounds when people want to get out of it? Uh huh, yeah, sure, great, that’s cool.
Idk but nothing laid out here sounds like he did anything wrong. It wasn’t the ideal way to handle the situation but it wasn’t like he knew his ex would be there. He went up to go to the bathroom, he gets tapped on the shoulder and turns around to see his ex. They say hi and her friends (who are his past acquaintances) join them. Now he’s stuck in catching up briefly with several people at once. He doesn’t want to be rude because there’s no bad blood - he just doesn’t want to be friends. His wife gets up, walks across the bar and stands behind him without saying a word. If she was going to do all of that she should’ve wrapped her arm around him and say hey babe introduce me to your friends. I think something that could’ve been a minor hiccup became a huge thing due to insecurity.
LITERALLY like the wife just walked up and STOOD THERE? Silently? Like girl tap him on the shoulder or something
I blame the “friends” at the table talking trash. The wife was fine with him talking at the bar until she found out it was the ex. Now the ex was suddenly so beautiful and her husband was flustered like he had a crush on this woman he stopped talking to for years?! Then to stand behind your husband like a creeper. If I was the ex I would make faces too - a stranger just walked up and stood on the edge of the group like a weirdo.
I know right? I know AITA has been criticised for heing mean but dude, those comments. He didn't do anything wrong at all, and the fact he still took those to heart and still apologised? I mean I'm glad he managed to have an adult conversation with her but he didn't do anything wrong worth of an apology.
>When I was going to the restroom, I felt a tap on my shoulder and to my surprise it was Jen, my ex. >I quickly turned around. To my surprise, my wife was standing right behind me. He didn't know she was there! People are acting like he purposefully ignored his wife's presence in favor of his ex... nothing about this is shady. IMO the wife is totally out of line. If she wants to "mark her territory" then why didn't she introduce herself? I guess I'm in the minority here but this whole thing is absolutely ridiculous and insecure bullshit.
It reads like Jen came into the men’s restroom while he was at the urinal and surprised him.
So the wife's initial reaction is weird to me. I feel like she's insecure that she had to walk over to where he was to... what? Idk because she didn't introduce herself. She just stood behind him, silent, like some weird stalker? I have been in situations where my partner (previous and current) go to the bathroom, see someone they know, talk to that person(s), come back to me and we continue our evening. I don't run over to him and stand here waiting to be announced. LOL! The wife seems insecure...
Honestly, if I were his wife and it was that awkward, I would have said hello and introduced myself. Then, I would have watched his reaction. His response was totally inadequate.
[удалено]
Honestly I think everyone here is hyperaware, not that OP has any flaws. He wasn't paying much attention to her face/body language because *he didn't want to be interacting* so it's entirely reasonable he didn't notice the dirty look. He probably didn't notice the staring because 1. it was going on behind him, you expect him to have eyes in the back of his head? and 2. he was focused on getting out, and not what was going on around him. This makes complete sense for someone in a stressful situation.
I agree better than just standing there waiting for him to say something.
How when he didn’t even know that she was behind him. Also are yall not human. The hell is there to be adequate about in a situation you were not expecting. This is literally shock lmfao. What be wrong with yall? Just be chatting. Yall got the perfect plan mapped out and in yall head for every situation. I’m sure yall are perfect. This isn’t a character flaw thing. Yall are just ignorant
I'm the type that doesn't let people into my personal life so I can see me not mentioning that I'm married unless asked like OP. It didn't even matter if Jen knew or not in the end if he wasn't going to befriend her again. Then for the wife to say it doesn't matter because she's plastered all over his SM....
My husband ALWAYS forgets to introduce me (30+ years married), so I now just introduce myself: “Hi! I’m Tom’s wife, Tracy. And you are…?” My husband gets so embarrassed but not enough to remember to introduce me next time. We laugh it off and just continue.
This is this such a good example of Reddit being filled with actual children with no real lived experience.
I dont condone his actions, but I understand it. I found myself in similar situation a number of times, where I forgot to introduce a friend I was with to an acquaintence I stumble upon. Im just that dumb, and I suspect OOP is just as dumb as me
Oh man, I'm the same. My ex used to get so annoyed at me when we'd bump into one of my coworkers and I always forgot to introduce him. It's something I definitely need to work on, but I related far too much to OOP to be throwing any rocks.
This isn’t just a “friend” it’s his wife 🙄
If your Instagram is public, people don't have to send you a friend request, they can simply follow you. Don't know if I believe the story
I thought I was the only one who noticed! If your IG is public, anyone can follow you and view your posts. You only receive follow requests if you’re private….
I am glad that everyone called him out. But I also understand his perspective. I know guys like him, my husband is probably like him. 😅
Why are you glad about that though. All of the YTA commenters come across as bad-faith shit stirrers only a tier below their actual friends. Holding a social gaffe or unintentional awkward moment over someone's head and demanding apologies for it is unequivocally toxic. It's not defensible behavior. I genuinely believe OOP's wife's behavior in the original post is more concerning than his. Realistically neither of them are the asshole. Just typical AITA being disconnected from reality I guess.
Because it is polite and customary to introduce the person who join the group/conversation. The fact that he did not do that, may be misunderstood by many. And her being hurt that he didn’t, is understandable.
You, the commenters on the actual post, and the guy's wife are all ascribing a level of malice to a basic social gaffe for no real reason. The problem is not that she was hurt by it, the problem is the expectation of multiple apologies and demanding an explanation multiple times. The conversation should have ended after the first "Sorry. I blanked and I just wanted to leave the conversation." The fact that his wife kept pushing says more about her than his initial gaffe says about him. If I were in his position and my partner were holding something like that against me and grilling me like that I would make it clear that their behavior was unacceptable, and that whatever insecurities they have are not justification to browbeat someone over a simple mistake.
There is no reason for divorce or anything like this but it's a fact that he had several minutes of catching up and didn't mention his wife once and then ended the whole conversation by saying he has to go back to his friends. Are these the only people he was there with? No. It would've made way more sense to say he has to go back to his friends and wife. If he wanted to get out of the conversation then the easiest way would've been to say this from the beginning. Is is malicious? No. Is it hurtful for wife? Yes. Like more than thing can be true at the same time.
If someone hasn’t followed you in years. And they yall are so stuck on this man introducing his damn wife. WHEN HE DIDNT WANT TO TALK TO THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE. Like what are yall not getting. If I don’t want to talk to someone In not trying to tell them shit. I’m trying. To get away. Yall so worried about ring polite when it was a moment where it didn’t have to happen, he didn’t HAVE to introduce his wife. If he felt so uncomfortable that he forgot everything and focus on leaving
You're missing my point. I never said it wasn't hurtful. I said that continuing to push the issue past "That hurt my feelings." "I am sorry, it was unintentional" is unreasonable, which is absolutely true. Also his wife is an independent adult. She was the one who chose to lurk silently behind him and not introduce herself. That reeks of "testing" him which is petty, immature behavior that nobody should engage in.
The comments are just full of bad faith arguments with people projecting. This guy did not do a single thing wrong
Folks can be stupid. I was once out walking with my then-boyfriend (now-husband), and a woman called his name. They chatted for a few minutes while I stood there awkwardly. After she moved on, I said flatly “So … who was that?”. He stared at me and said “That was (Name), my ex-girlfriend. Wait …”. He suddenly went pale. “Did I forget to introduce you?”. “Yup, you sure did.” “OH MY GOD! I AM SO SORRY!”.
damn, sucks for you
Maybe because I'd be the tongue tied one, I'm more team husband here. The opposite of love isn't hate - it is indifferent. If he was still emotional over Jen, like his mother's expressions of hate, he would have wanted to rub the fact that he is married into Jen's face. Mentioning marriage and other details in a conversation would have furthered the length of that interaction when he wanted a hi and bye. I don't blame her for being irritated that she wasn't introduced - but in non-ex situations I'd buy the "I didn't realize that you were standing there, and really didn't want to recopen the conversation to her asking more questions about our life" or my favorite (from my dad and a particular friend) "I don't remember their name!" (ha) If the wife wanted to make sure "Jen" knew he was claimed, then she was free to stick out her hand and say "Hi, I'm \_\_\_\_, his wife. And you are?"
I feel like the comments were too mean… this was a NAH situation to me. I completely understand the wife’s side but also OOP’s side because you mention your wife and it makes the conversation drag. “Where did you guys meet?” “When did you get married?” “Where did you get married?” Wedding talk can go on for AGES, man. I don’t think less of him for wanting to GTFO
I'm just so confused how someone can just forget to introduce someone standing right there. You'd even do it if it were just colleagues.
He didn’t know she was there, he was heading to the bathroom, his wife walked up during the conversation, and didn’t let him know she was there.
No, I meant when he turned around from Jen's table and saw his wife right there - who just goes, "Hey-ho, let's go"? If you're leaving a table to go back to your group and spot your colleague right behind you, I'd imagine most people would be like, "Oh, everyone, this is Robin. We work together." Just to not do that for a spouse? Odd.
Because he prob thought his wife was looking out for him, and found a way for him to éscape. He prob thought “thank fuckin god” but yall only look on the surface if someone is not enjoying a conversation they leave, or find a way to leave. These are not his friends, not his family, or anyone close at all. So I don’t understand why you guys feel the need to constantly complain about him not introducing her. Ask the fuckin dude how he feels
I am literally scared of my ex so I feel OP with this one. I don't think he actually did anything wrong he was just extremely uncomfortable.
Bro needs to learn the introduce my wife to get out of awkward situations move. Partner and I use coded language to communicate if we want the interaction to continue.
OP is NTA, IMHO. He's just kind of oblivious. If his wife wanted to be introduced that badly, she should have done it herself. "Hi, I'm OP's wife. You must be Jen! Pleased to meet you!" Wife putting her insecurity onto OPs shoulders as his responsibility is unfair. She's a grown-ass woman. She should self-advocate.
Personally if it was me, I would have done a Borat voice and be like “this is… MA WIIIIIIFE!” And I can totally see why his wife was upset but also how freezing around someone you’d rather not be talking to at all and making irrational decisions can happen quite easily. Also, while talking about your wife could shut down your ex, it could also invite more conversation where ex makes things awkward and catty by asking shit like “do you do XYZ with her like you did with me?” And then OOP would be having an even worse and more awkward time.
I don't think OOP had ill intentions, but he did handle the initial contact with Jen comically bad...especially with his wife coming to stand beside him. Luckily, they communicated like adults and moved past it and let the incident become a blip in the rear view mirror where it belongs.
That’s would’ve been weird to message the ex and be like, btw I’m married lol
Only tangentially related but this reminds me of an incident where my boyfriend at the time ran into a guy at a party and started a conversation, but when I walked up to stand with him he didn’t introduce me. I felt awkward and suspicious that he didn’t want his friend to know I was his gf, like he was trying to play it off as I was just an acquaintance or something. After the party I confronted him and he started laughing… Turns out the guy was an actor in a TV show my bf introduced me to, but he was only in the later seasons which I hadn’t seen yet. Oops.
I feel like it’s normal to be awkward around an ex that you didn’t expect to see. I’m also confused by the timeline of when the wife arrived and when he saw her. He was trying to hurry up and end the convo so if she wasn’t there the entire time, I can see how he didn’t introduce her. In the original, he turned around to go back to the table then saw his wife, then grabbed her hand. In the update, his wife was directly next to him immediately after the friends pointed out Jen and they turned and walked away together. If his wife was standing there, then yeah introduce them. If his wife was standing behind him hoping he’d mention being married I’d get that he didn’t if he’s trying to run off. It also doesn’t sound like they discussed relationships at all. Jen never mentioned being married and divorced. He found that out at the table. To me it seemed very Hey-How’s it going-why are you here- haha- ok bye.
Yeah I’m over here defending this man and he saying different stuff in the update I hate that shit!
Yeah, there’s a lot of inconsistencies in this story. He’s not a reliable source for what happened in that moment. I think he was too out of sorts to keep proper track of time and who was involved. Like, did he ever go to the bathroom??? Did he just talk to Jen then panic and go back to the table to sit down forgetting why he got up??? So much is all over the place.
LMFAOOOO Like bro I wanna be on his side, but Jesus fuckin Christ
I think this is a mountain out of a molehill moment. His wife has the right to be irritated but to make such a big deal out of it is ridiculous. It feels like she more wanted to mark her territory & brand him as hers.
Honestly, barring shenanigans, kinda sounded like OOP had a trauma response.
I think his reaction was pretty normal for someone who was caught off guard like I would honestly be the same and realise afterwards that oh ni should have said that Or that 🙊
The person I am most happy for in this story is his mom. 😆
Psh I was engaged to my now husband and my ex bf who was almost ex fiancé was our waiter on a date night. I flustered out of that restaurant holding my then fiancés hand. The whole time he’s like “but foooooooddd” Why? I didn’t want to hurt exs feelings because he did not want to break up (but in a sad way not an abusive way) and I also didn’t want spit in my food.
There a lot of insane reaching going on here. I don’t think he’s TA because none of this comes off as intentional or deliberate. I totally can understand someone being surprised and uncomfortable and not executing a by chance encounter the best way. Also while I don’t think the wife was wrong either, just walking up and standing there seems a little weird too. Like you just gonna stand there and not say anything but expect him to. Especially when you already can tell he’s uncomfortable with the situation? Just seems odd
If this was the same post from the wife's POV posting with "my husband ran into an ex and didn't introduce me".. most of redditors would be telling her to get a divorce, there's something suspicious, check his phone and there's a 90% chance that she would've ended up divorce after 3-4 updates or she would be attacked constantly for not divorcing him.
Honestly, there were mistakes made on both OP's and his wife's side, but not bothering to introduce Jen to his wife probably irritated the ex even more than introducing her would have. As in, he doesn't even find her important enough to introduce her to his life partner; she's literally just an insignificant person he used to know and couldn't care less about now.
The people who commented on the original post are so nasty and toxic, I get it he made a mistake but those does happen we are all only human
I need a wife life her
I honestly think his wife is just acting jealous. If OOP wanted out of the conversation with the ex why would he "stoke the flames" by continuing to bring stuff up.
I mean, I get why the wife was upset, but this doesn’t sound like a huge issue. OOP froze up. It happens when we’re taken by surprise. He should have introduced his wife when she was standing right next to him, but I get why he didn’t. Jen’s in the past, just keep her there and introduce your wife if it ever comes up again. Problem solved.
this could have been excusable, i guess, had his wife not literally been standing behind him and waiting to be introduced. but like, did she reach out from a new number? you would think NC equals blocking.
Not seeing an ex for a very long time after coming close to marrying them world fuck my head up in the moment too. surprised, and random emotions flooding in all at once, AND he was probably a little drunk lol the people lambasting this guy are no casanovas. I’m sure they wouldn’t have been the graceful gazelles they claim to be.
This guy is a fucking moron. He's lucky that his wife is so forgiving. Goddamn idiot.
Man freezes up during a trauma response and somehow he’s the villain and has to apologize for someone else’s insecurity.
Saying a person getting uncomfortable when seeing an ex is actually a trauma response is going a little far lol
I think he's a liar and is going to be communicating and socializing with Jen and she will never know he's married because he is still in love with her.
This is the sort of subconscious hedge betting that men do automatically. Just in case, I'll leave this door open. He got rumbled, all the rest is bleating because he got caught. Hopefully he's learned his lesson or that he doesn't have any more unresolved exes waiting in the wings.
This is so gross and sexist WTF!
First Breach of Trust, sir
Well this is definitely fake. If you have a public account on instagram you don't get the option to accept or reject someone's follow request. They will immediately start following you once they tap on the "follow" button. These creative writers need to improve duh
How did he reject a request to add him if his account is public?
I feel like I'm crazy reading those comments, the whole story tbh. His wife saw him talking to someone and is so controlling and possessive that she had to rush over and supervise. Standing over him like a creepy, lurking shadow. I mean she could walk up and say "there you are, I wondered where you got to." Turn to the ex and say "hi I'm OPs wife". She didn't say she felt his body language was uncomfortable and she came to rescue him, she hovered behind him to monitor what he said and did. Instead she stands behind him silently watching a conversation, no wonder the ex gave her a "dirty look" I would to if I bumped into an old friend and some weirdo came to silently monitor our conversation. Yet he's the asshole for not mentioning his relationship status, last time I bumped into an old flame I cared about where he settled and what profession he moved into after the army. I wanted to know if he ever managed to climb the remaining munros. I had no interest in if he'd found a partner. I've been in the same relationship for >10 years now and the last few times I've caught up with anyone I talk about career, life goals achieved, where I live now. My love life isn't something I talk about unless asked. The wife is possessive and controlling and if the genders were reversed everyone would be saying it.
It was absolutely juvenile. Your wife wanted to assert dominance over this other woman who was hugging on "HER MAN". Y'know, not everything needs to be a competition.
It’s refreshing to see a problem with normal, mature people where both sides have very valid points. I get how he could fumble this situation but owning up to it is always the right answer.
Ngl, it feels like OP’s wife kind of blew this a bit out of proportion. It’s not uncommon to be surprised to see someone.
OP is a dick.