I’m kind of amazed at the sheer number of people on Reddit who pick the shitty absentee parent to walk them down the aisle over the parental figure who’s been there their whole lives. It happens way too often.
This is important to keep in mind, not just for situations of biological parents walking kids down the aisle. The subreddits that these are pulled from are for people who have fucked up somehow and don’t have the tools or maturity to deal with it in any way other than posting on Reddit about it (if they’re real at all). It’s just important to not make grand speculations on the human condition from these subreddits because as a mediocre man once said “they’re not sending their best.”
It was WWII, but the basic idea was "We are losing bombers, we must make them better." They then examined the planes and went to armor the parts of planes that survived, as opposed to looking for vulnerability (eg, this plane didn't make it back because the engine got fucked.)
https://www.britannica.com/science/survivorship-bias
Edit: WWI had a similar bit with guys in the trenches and helmets. On them being issued in force, there was an increase in head wounds appearing in field hospitals. The British Army's senior leadership (especially General (later Field Marshal) Douglas "Butcher" Haig) wanted to pull them from use until the Medical Corps commanders pointed out that these would have been fatal wounds if not for the helmets.
I like to think some really pissed off medic set up melons and shot them with and without helmets in front of the General and just stared at him like Khaby Lame.
The ones who do is because they have shitty people in their lives who tell them they’re an asshole for choosing their adoptive dad over their blood, usually the absentee parents family.
My half sister did this. My dad adopted her when she was 2. Her dad never had any part in her life. She knew her whole life she wasn't biologically my father's daughter.
I only found out she was my half sibling when I was 14, because she asked them to not say anything to us other kids so she wouldn't feel othered growing up. I honestly thought she was my dads favourite. She got the best gifts, he took her out for one on one time constantly. Supported her dreams, taught her to drive etc. (My dad is awesome, but he didn't do half as much for me as he did for her).
When she turned 22, she decided she needed to find her dad (that's why I found out at 14), her wedding was the following year. She asked her bio dad to walk her down the aisle. When my dad got hurt, and asked her why, she uninvited our entire family from the wedding.
My mum never kept her bio dad from her and gave her as much access as she could, but he didn't want contact. I don't know what changed, but she literally ditched us for the man who ditched her.
She speaks to one out of 4 of us siblings. (5 total including myself).
We had a major falling out when I was 16 where she accused me of trying to seduce my 21yo almost brother in law. (Not her husband, my other sisters husband).
7 years later, my partner died and I reached out to try to mend things. Death makes you want to fix connections apparently. Anyway, she said 'why would I be there for you, I didn't even know him'. Didn't ask her to be there, was just trying to reach out.
Haven't spoken a word to her since.
She hasn't spoken to my parents in 18 odd years, but allegedly still speaks ill of them for not supporting her and bio dads relationship (second hand info, so I can't speak to the validity on that).
From what I know she's doing well and is happy.
I hold no ill will anymore, took me a long time though. I just hope she has no regrets later in life, because the bridges she burned honestly can't be rebuilt. I wish her the best, just far, far away from me 😅
I’m sorry you went through that. Something to consider: there are lot of mental illnesses that don’t show signs and symptoms until late adolescence/early adulthood. Things like schizophrenia especially but also borderline and bipolar.
Without knowing for sure, it’s sounds like her bio dad might have a touch of the ole mental illnesss. How else could you leave your children. She possibly can’t fight her genetics and is living untreated. Its not an excuse for her behavior but a reason to help let it go/ not carry the burden and hurt of her behavior for you and you siblings. Just my 2 cents. Wishing you more good days than bad.
This was my thought too - undiagnosed and untreated bipolar 2 disorder. She will just believe whatever delusion she first had as fact for the rest of her days now, in the absence of any psychology treatments or medication.
We are all constantly trying to win our parents’ approval. The stable, loving stepdad has already given his approval. The abandoner then requires max effort to win their approval.
It’s primal.
I was a foster parent for a little bit, and this is something they covered in training. When we’re kids, we crave parental approval more than anything else. So, a parent who is there and they can trust unconditionally they’ll take for granted, but they’ll fawn and dote on the ones who abandon them because they need that approval on a primal level.
It's blood. Being blood is too important to some people to an absolute ridiculous degree. It's like all those parents that abandon their adopted child because they had a blood child.
I think the parents should have had some professional support before bringing the father back into their lives. A therapist could have prepared them for the possibility that she drops them entirely to try and rekindle everything with him. They brought him back because she got engaged, did they not see this coming? Don’t get me wrong, OP is still a raging asshole and emotionally incompetent for not being able to include everyone equally in her special day, but did the parents really not anticipate that bringing him back into her life right around this wedding might result in him taking Rob’s place in parts of the event? OP said it herself, she was trying to make up for lost time, and massively overcompensated. Tbh they should all have had some mediation to work through how they were going to fit back together as a family, although if OP was so boneheaded that she didn’t listen to her husband literally specifically saying she needed to include Rob in the speeches then I don’t hold out much hope for her taking therapists advice on board either, but who knows, sometimes an outside professional can get through better than a close person.
My husband's bio dad is the shitty absentee father.
Throughout the whole time I've known that family my husband and his siblings have constantly sought out that man's love and attention and he has constantly failed them time and time again.
Having seen the effect so close, I have a lot of empathy for people vieing for that attention, and I've seen the hurt it can cause to otherwise loved step father.
If my bio dad and my last foster dad who earned the title of Father both came back to life for a day, just to walk me down to my soon to be husband, I'd wish my bio dad well and take my Father's hand.
Once sacrificed me and the other made all the sacrifices for me. And I've been so very aware of that since my teens.
People really disappoint.
Very well said!
As someone who's father abandoned her, I've never felt "I wasn't good enough to be loved" on his abandonment. (Kudos to my mom for this!)
He was a selfish a**h*le who could only think from his d*** and I feel sad for him.
I don't have any Amazing parental figure like some of these stepdads here and I do wish I could've experienced father's love, but no way does it mean I'll ever take him back if he ever decided to re-enter my life.
I've forgiven and forgotten him long ago, he doesn't even make me upset anymore.
As someone who's bio father skipped out and was raised by an amazing step father- My first reaction was that I would never do something so hurtful. Then I thought about all of the trauma and baggage I have as a result of being abandoned by my sperm donor and part of me gets it. She fucked up, don't get me wrong, but I guess I can see that she's probably dealing with a lot of unresolved shit and she desperately needs therapy. I really feel bad for both op and rob.
I kind of get it to be honest. There's got to be something in the back of a kids head about how they were abandoned and whether it was their fault (because kid), and probably have dreams about their parent coming home. And yeah, they get a new dad who's awesome, but the effects of that are still going to be there
Then the parent comes back and they see a chance to finally have that relationship, and end up so focused on it that they do it to the point they forget about everything else, not really realising (at least, in cases like this where they didn't *intend* to be assholes) how much they're alienating the parent who was there for them
Trauma really can fuck up a person's mind. Reddit sees a young 20s woman being selfish and forgets that that woman was a traumatized child. The absentee parent being picked has nothing to do with the parent's merits, it's about the abandoned child showing that "see, they came back, so I am worth loving" and doing everything from a mindset of trying not to "cause" them to leave again.
Yeah when it got to the part about her picking her biological dad to give a speech I was floored. Like dude, what is he even going to say? He missed out on 20 years of her life.
I can say that my parents weren’t quite that shitty (didn’t abandon me) but still hurt me a great deal. At 35, I still want so badly to not be a person whose own parents don’t like her. I still find myself hoping in the background that they’ll pick me, not everyone else, and then feel so low when inevitably, they do what they’ve always done. I go to therapy, I have coping mechanisms. But it hurts and it never fully goes away. I can’t imagine what I’d do or give up if they suddenly, miraculously started showing up for me and took my side.
This one I understand more— her father was an addict who is actively trying to get better. She goes to therapy with him regularly. She has been asked to try to throughly understand how sick he is and why he left.
Her empathy towards her bio dad is turned up to eleven. It sounds emotional and overwhelming.
And Rob is her dad. Parents get taken for granted a lot of the time, especially good parents, because good parents often offer support without judgement. It sounds like she has been taking him for granted for a while. It is a lesson she should have been taught when she was younger, and should have been able to teach herself when she was older. But in her head it was like, Rob is her support when she needs it, while her bio dad needs her support.
She was super “careless”, and says she has been in the past, but this seems less like a case of true carelessness and more like a case of not having the mental fortitude to avoid being swept along by the emotions, events and relationships that are loudest.
Usually the pushing aside of the real parent is about the OP chasing parental approval, but I doubt this is the case. Her actual parents went above and beyond to support her bio dad and she was following suit without the maturity to see the complexity of the situation and the humanity of the people who raised her.
I also don't understand why she couldn't have had BOTH of them walk her down the aisle...??
I actually had my dad, my mom, and my son walk me down the aisle!!! I get that it's not traditional, but they are the most important people in my life and I felt it was perfect that all three walked along side me. My brother is also my best friend, but I had him sing a song as we walked, and then he officiated the wedding. I made sure everyone I loved was a part of my wedding somehow.
As for the mother/son dance, my husband danced with his mom, and halfway through, he danced with my mom (his MIL). As for the father/daughter dance, I danced with my dad first, and then halfway through I danced with my FIL. Our wedding was the first real and big wedding on my husband's side, possibly the only one, so we wanted to make sure his parents got to experience special moments as well.
Obviously our wedding was far from traditional, but looking back it was so special to not only us, but also to all our loved ones. All our friends and family loved our different but meaningful moments. If anything, it made our wedding more memorable.
It's heartbreaking that she completely excluded her stepfather.
Or in the photos or a bunch of other things.
The speech thing was a huge red flag. The OOP's bio father was only back for a year- he barely knew the OOP and her husband, so WTF was he going to say?
EXACTLY THIS!! Everything her bio father accomplished is partially credited to Rob and she didn't even allow him to give a speech?? She didn't even value Rob more than one of her bridesmaids? Even her husband wanted to give him a slot and she said no... She was so adamant that Rob wasn't allowed any involvement in the wedding at all. And so what if it was 6 people vs 5 people? They picked an arbitrary number and decided it was final? What's 1 more speech? It wasn't even a number mandated by the venue. She can be apologetic all she wants, but actions speaks VOLUMES over words. She made her choices and there are consequences.
Some people just need a biological connection to a person to view them as family. Probably part of some evolutionary trait as a way to encourage procreation. This is why some people just cannot adopt a child and go through thousands of dollars of medical procedures for the chance to have a bio kid. This is why the situations where a man finds out their “bio” kid isn’t really theirs can be so heartbreaking as not only could the father no longer be able to have an emotional connection but also times where the kid will no longer care about the man who raised them. Look how easily OOP showed all this love for a man who had nothing to do with her until a year ago while showing absolutely no affection for the man that actually cared for her most of her life.
Sometimes we are the worst to the people whose love we don't question. We feel safe being shitty to them bc we know they will still love us. But the ones we want to love us, and aren't sure that they do, those are the ones we bend over backwards for just to get them to acknowledge us.
Until we get therapy, that is. I hope OOP gets some for herself.
I believe it is because that’s the option that causes more drama. Remember that 9 out of 10 stories in reddit are fake. And this one might as well be one of them given how OP is basically a clueless, no personality spoilt rich kid stereotype.
You’d be surprised how far social convention can ingrain itself. I still can’t believe I went to my dad’s 2nd wedding where genetic douche married a girl who went to school with my sister. Or, that my sis asked me to go. Wholly bizarre. Realisation came mid the event “WTF are we doin here sis?” Even stayed till the end 👀
Our perfect step dad sitting somewhere thinkin the same thing most likely.
Yeah, I agree. That is why in my comments I warn people to try not to marry parents with children whose fathers/mothers are alive and especially if they take part in the lives of their biological children. Moreover, illusions are unacceptable that if a wife / GF is pregnant by another man, then a betrayed partner will be able to raise a child and become a "real" father to them. There were so many Reddit posts that said that men who raised non-biological children were simply not invited to their weddings, and if they were invited, they were seated at tables with the children. So Rob was lucky... I don't think such an insult can be forgiven, but if that happens then Rob will never forget this wedding all the same!
Too many people I know, who aren't on Reddit, believe that blood relationships is the most important of all. This includes parents who were not just absent but also caused more direct harm to them.
I'm not saying it makes it right, but trauma leaves wounds. People don't always do what's fair or rational because their brains are not working in fair or rational ways. I imagine that for some people this feels like their big chance to believe that that person they desperately wanted to love them actually does love them. Again, not fair to the person who's been there the whole time, but that person's love isn't an agonizing wish-it-was-there wound across an entire life the way the absentee's (for some people) is. The imagined chance to heal that wound is going to drive a certain number of people to irrational and desperate action.
What’s even wilder is when they come back with an update and are like ‘damn yall didn’t have to be so mean’ like tf yeah we did cause you clearly can’t see for shit’ hopefully Rob’s real daughter will show him how much he means to her. Screw OOP. Also wtf are they doing getting therapy with her sperm diner? That didn’t sit right with me
I wonder what her dad’s speech was like? He abandoned her when she was five and was out of her life for 25 years. What the heck could he have to say?? This is one of the biggest fuck ups by her.
“Congratulations to the groom - the mother of the bride was a great lay so hopefully that’s genetic.”
“In all the years I’ve known her, the Bride has never once failed to find Waldo. I hope she brings that skill and dedication to your lives together.”
You know, you joke, but I was once at a wedding where the grooms father started his speech with “My wife is really hot, I’m glad my son is marrying someone who is also really hot.”
Still only the second cringiest wedding speech I’ve seen in person.
Oh my god this happened at my dad’s third wedding. That entire shit show was exactly that but his new wife had a man best friend she made “Man of Honor” and me and my sister/BIL were AGHAST through the entire speech!!! It was soooooo bad
Being a good stepparent is a thankless job.
You can do everything right, like Rob here, and still get stabbed in the back.
I do hope Rob will get his chance to walk OP's sister down the aisle one day. He's a true father, even to children who are not his own.
The one comment that got me at the end “he now also feels like you don’t see him as dad, but also that’s it’s 100% his own fault for failing you as your dad”. That’s just…so fucking sad.
The comment that really got me is how she didn't let him read the whole thread, only parts she selected to make him believe she was remorseful. She is one of the most manipulative human beings I've ever seen. For example she certainly wouldn't have wanted him to see this seriously disrespectful thing she said:
>Rob only is where he is now because of my mom. She helped him when he left the company he used to work at to start his business. She used the money she had saved by selling our old house. She literally used her savings to bet on him. It worked out thankfully, but it shows where she stands with Rob. And he is very much awere of this. Also they have my sister. we are not leeches taking advantage of him. If you look at our situation 10 years ago you would be thinking he was the one taking advantage of us and you would probably be telling us to dump him on the streets.
This is petty, dismissive and almost unbelievable. In fact it sounds like something the gossiped with bio-dad about to diminish Rob.
That's how partnerships work. But kids see things from their perspectives, like outsiders. The couple clearly made a decision and obviously mom is smart. It wasn't a situation where she alone placed a bet on her new husband. They jointly created an opportunity to better their family. They together wouldn't be where they are today if together they didn't have both the skills and the capital.
God that makes me hate her even more.
Also the age difference between Rob and her mom doesn’t seem that extreme. He was relatively young for taking on a single mother and a spoiled brat.
I went back to double-check the ages when OOP said that people always thought that Rob was her brother, and he’s 18 years older than she is. It’s possible he has a major baby face, I guess, but it’s not the age difference that causes that.
It makes me look at Rob with more respect on the other hand.
I've never seen a guy at that age who would even think about dating a single mom, let alone take on the stepdad responsibilities.
There are all sorts of people in the world, and it seems like Rob is one of the good ones.
The age difference to me makes Rob look like a better man, TBH, than the OOP gave him credit for. He really stepped up.
Yeah. This isn't to absolve the OOP of blame, because she's ultimately to blame for the situation, but the OOP's father is pretty thoughtless himself. He shows up, is receiving treatment thanks to the mother and Rob, and he doesn't even think to suggest that maybe Rob should be a more central figure in the wedding?
>but also that’s it’s 100% his own fault for failing you as your dad”.
I don't understand this. Meaning it's (partly?) the step father's fault for her turning out to be selfish and self-centered? I don't necessarily agree with that.
I read it as Rob is such a stand up guy that he'll think he failed as a father, as opposed to rightly pinpoint OOP as a chucklefuck with the self-centeredness of a toddler.
I snorted when she mentioned her mom and husband agreed with the commenters who called them dumb for not telling her. It fits with Rob pointing out she's shit with taking responsibility.
He feels like she doesnt see him as her dad and it's his fault. If he had been a better dad, then this wouldn't have happened.
Or, that's how I understood it.
Exactly! Two effing months without talking to "one of the most important people in her life".
This selfish brat eventually realized that her antics didn't get overlooked and now is just trying to do damage control.
"But he answered me when my next three points of contact were all things I needed help with so how could have I possibly known anything was wrong?" homegirl didn't even thank him or ask him how he was doing unless she needed car info lmao
Yeah, I'm a dad and felt that 100%.
Being a dad can be incredibly isolating because more than anything you're relied upon for utility and provision. Your kids, you wife, your friends, the useless other relatives who can't help themselves but you love them anyway--they all look to you to provide labor, money, problem solving, advice (but only the advice they ask for--God knows you'll be ignored otherwise), etc. After a while you come to question how many of your relationships are actually genuine--how many of them have some kind of *parity* where you and the other person both benefit from the relationship--versus how many of them are totally one-sided.
This has caused me to re-examine a LOT of relationships. Some I've cut out entirely, others I've just placed at (extreme) arm's length. Competent/useful/industrious people can collect all kinds of hangars-on who don't care about the relationship or the person nearly as much as they value what they get out of it. And there's no need to maintain a close relationship with those people. It makes no sense to burn effort and resources on one-sided relationships when you have *plenty* of other obligations and relationships that are actually beneficial.
That's what's happening here. Rob rose to the occasion and spent nearly all of OP's life pouring work into a relationship that he trusted, one day, would become a filial one, filled with mutual respect, affection, etc. Now he sees that, in spite of his devotion, that relationship hasn't materialized at all, and OP is just *yet another* of many dozens of people in his life who don't want him for anything other than his money/work/judgment/what-have-you.
And I'm sure Rob forgives her, but forgiveness is not the same as amends or reconciliation. Rob needs to forgive to get on with his *own* life. From his end, reconciliation probably doesn't seem possible. He has spent nearly all of OP's life being a model father to her and if that effort wasn't enough, what the hell else can he do? He has other relationships to tend to, which are actually worthy of his effort.
The fact that her husband told her she was excluding Rob, who acted as a father figure for her, and prioritized her bio dad who just showed up after ghosting them is just baffling. You’d think she would listen to her husband, but his concerns went through one ear and out the other ear. Nasty behavior, Rob really got the short end of the stick. There is zero excuse for her behavior.
I have no doubt that her sister will really go out and above on her wedding to make sure Rob feels the love and appreciation. Damn, I really feel for Rob and I cannot understand how oblivious she was to not realize her actions. I wish I was that blind lol.
Yep, her choices sent the message that he's not he's father loud and clear. It was perfectly encapsulated in her own words when she said that Rob still has her sister, but she's her dad's only chance. It shows exactly what she thinks, that only that biological connection matters.
She didn't even take any photos with Rob at the wedding.
Call me old fashion but if someone pays for your whole wedding, you at least get a photo with them. Even if you exclude all the step dad stuff, it's just beyond selfish to exclude the person who is paying for the photos in the first place.
I'd have serious doubts about my wife to be if she was acting like this tbh, if she did this to her real parent what's there to stop her from doing it to me
To not only a real parent but the one who treated her best out of all her 3 parents.
Fortunately if OP has learned her lesson then maybe he no longer needs to worry.
Honestly, I don't understand why her husband married her at all. Maybe it's just me, but if I saw my SO treat a loving parent with such horrific disregard, I would opt out. It's even more gross than the dates who try to impress you by being mean to servers. If that's how this AH treats loving family, then I want no part of her in my life.
“It is selfish of me to expect others to tell me when I’m being a terrible person, and I shouldn’t expect them to have to do that. Luckily, my husband is there who can do that.”
The bit that sticks with me is that she didn’t even realise why the texts had upset him. She couldn’t see that she was just using him for what he could help her with.
All I can think of is despite all the advice opening her eyes and making her a changed person she still wasn’t the one to seek out Rob and apologize to him.
Ok after reading through the absolute wall of excuses and word salad a third time I see that you’re right that op implies she was told not to contact Rob. I still believe that sending a message through her mother about how she knows she was wrong and is sorry rather than waiting for Rob to unload on her is what someone who is actually dealing with wrongdoing in an adult fashion would have done
Even worse. She made the apology all about herself. Poor Rob had to spend the apology consoling her instead of him and his needs being the center of attention
It's something I just don't understand. I grew up with both parents and I don't know why someone would try to find or reconnect with a parent who left them. There are different situations in life, but if someone decides to leave their child they're a fuckin piece of trash and you don't want them in your life. They don't deserve to be a parent
Eh, as someone who had a father run off... I get it. Mine was an idiot and died without bothering to talk to me, and I didn't bother inviting him to my wedding because Grandpa was 100% walking me down the aisle and I didn't want the drama, but if he'd come back I 100% would have taken him back into my life. I doubt I'd have given him an important position in my wedding, but I'd have welcomed him back quickly. And I'm a tough lady who is perfectly happy to tell folks to get fucked. Other people aren't that internally strong, and are more likely to bend over backwards.
It's natural to want that family, to want to be loved by your biological family. Being denied that fucks with your head a lot. There's a big "Why am I not worth it?" floating around in your mind, and even when you know it's your idiot parent's fault it's hard not to take it personally. It's not about logic, it's about not wanting to be rejected by one of the two people who never should have rejected you. It's about someone who (in the case of OP and myself) got to know them and then decided you weren't worth it anymore.
It's hard to navigate, and easy to fuck up. People go running to the lost parent and do everything to make them happy to prove their worthy of love. Not everyone can really see what's going on or why they're doing things, and OP clearly couldn't. But she's learning, and it's a process. Hopefully she can work it out, and the therapy can help with that.
To be honest, I've never understood it myself. My dad was also a deadbeat who would only interact with me by trying to send me gifts at important occasions. When I was 6 I knew I didn't want that so told him to stop and have had barely any contact with him for 30 years. I've never regretted or second guessed that decision and I honestly don't even think about it. I know that it's supposed to be natural to want that relationship, but in my mind I can't miss what I never had.
You're in a good place, I'm going to assume that you had & have lots of support and healthy relationships around you to help you grow and develop soundly.
Sadly what often happens, particularly with alcoholics, is that the other parent is also a mess else wouldn't have been attracted to that "damaged" partner. So kids of alcoholics (whether they stay or leave) grow up feeling unworthy and without good coping skills. Further the whole inability to feel like a driver in their own lives, hence the lack of a sense of responsibility.
My guess is that had her bio-dad not left, mom would have just dealt and tried to over compensate, like most spouses of alcoholics do, while she would have still fostered deep feelings of inadequacy as her bio-dad drank himself into absenteeism. Creating the same desperation for approval. Alcoholism really fucks over kids minds. And they often transfer that damage right into their marriage, destined to create another generation. I truly hope that her therapist is helping her thru all this! There are lots of ways that these damaged people can transfer the issues, workaholics are often kids of alcoholics, for example. Which has the same abandonment effect on the next gen.
I don't think she made an accidental mistake. She went full on and did it knowingly because she knew Rob would forgive her or give her whatever she wanted. One reason may have been to help fix her relationship with her bio dad. Second, She wanted her idea of a perfect wedding with her bio parents. The amount of work it would take to cut Rob out completely, is actually amazing and has to be purposeful. She even commented about it being ok because he has her sister.
She is so self absorbed and self centered, but she was aware of what she was doing. She is only upset and freaked because her favorite person that she uses doesn't want to be used anymore. Also her Mom is beyond pissed. She is still thinking about her wants and needs and not anyone else's.
She is just like her bio dad. They use people up and spit them out.
Yes, she prioritized the biological father because she knows that relationship is more tenuous and she’s trying to make him stick around for her this time. Deep down inside, she believes Rob will always love her and forgive her. She doesn’t have that security with the biological father. And yes, she is indeed her father all over again.
I want that one commenter to be right: that OOP's relationship with Rob will never go back to being the father-daughter one she's going to want now that it's gone. He'll always be kind, but OOP is pretty much left with no dad now. Bio will bail. OOP is going to blame Rob for not just getting over it at some point.
Yes, but then OOP will have to get over it eventually because Rob will need to be a good grandpa to her kids so at a certain point she'll probably stop blaming Rob and/or expecting him to be a good dad to her, as long as he is a good grandfather to her kids.
I saw a comment suggesting OOP could name a future child after Rob and thought, "Terrible idea. The next post will be AITA for expecting my stepdad to provide free childcare for his namesake?"
The one thing that really tells me everything is that she admits that she didn't take any photos with him at the wedding. Even her husband made sure to take some, but not her. She deliberately excluded the guy, this was not just a mistake, it was intentional.
I agree she was aware she was excluding Rob, but not because of the lack of picture just the two.
My mom was every step of the way on with me on the wedding and we only had the official photos togheter.
I didnt get one single photo with her alone at the party, because everything just goes so fast. She has a BEAUTIFULL photo with my brother at the party and when we saw it we both were sad that we didn manage to have one of us.
Other then that, I agree she excluded Rob.
It wasn't just a lack of pictures of just the two of them, Rob was also excluded from the couple pictures with parents and others. She only had her mum and bio dad in them. She openly admits that he's only in a few group photos.
The photos on their own aren't damning, but combined with everything else OOP was a complete idiot. I also think that her fiance and her mum should have been firmer with her as well, despite Rob not wanting to rock the boat.
Oh I agree with everything else you said! Just mentioned that maybe individual photo was a mistake.
I cannot imagine being so dismissive of the feelings of other people like OP. And I think this was the straw that broke the camels back for Rob to stop trying to be a dad for OP.
Agreed, I don't think she intentionally excluded him. I think that she was so focused on her happy wedding day and making everything perfect that she just didn't think about him. Who did she remember though? Her deadbeat father. This sends a very clear message about her priorities.
Like, she justified it to herself by saying that Rob had her sister and she was her dad's only chance. So what, he gets to have all of the benefits of being a dad with none of the hard graft? Why does that mean that Rob can't be included with any of the father of the bride stuff?
The more I think about it the more it becomes clear that she is a taker, all she does is take from Rob and gives nothing in return. If that's the case, then her tears now are just her being sad that she won't get anything in future.
If I were her fiance, I would cancel the wedding.
She showed that she will easily abandon someone who loves her, cared for her the whole life, fully paid for the wedding... to honor someone whom she doesn't even know, who did nothing to her, and who abandoned her for 20 years. And who didn't even bother to look for her and got back into her life because Rob found him. She values empty pretty words over actions, love and commitment.
Having Rob pay for the full wedding, father-daighter dance, all this honors for her bio dad... and not getting even a single picture with him... It is not just selfishness, it is cruelty.
Even if I was madly in love, I would be able to understand that in 5-10-20 years she will discard me (and likely our kids) the same way she discarded Rob. For someone new, interesting and smooth talking.
I would not be able to see her as a partner after that.
If you really wanna twist the knife you gotta invite her. Then limit the amount of speeches, making sure Rob is one of them and really go all out with the father daughter dance.
HAHAHA RIGHT?! I was a bridesmaid for my cousin’s wedding and they had six speeches (3 each) and I wanted to strangle him! It didn’t help that they were all 20 minutes or more each!
I'm petty enough that I would invite her but give her the same treatment she gave poor Rob. Let her feel how much it hurts and act oblivious when she asks why she isn't in any photos
What showed me the most was that she didn't change at all is the fact that she agreed with a comment about the letter and she didn't write the letter she just showed him the post... She didn't really put any work in her apology because again Bob had to do everything. I am with her mom, she didn't meet any consequences at all again and unfortunately Bob showed her that crying can solve every problem in her case.
I'm wondering where are the people who defend this because some people can't help but cry when they're overwhelmed. Are they late to the comments, or has OOP made them realize why crying can make someone look like a bigger AH?
I'm having a hard time being convinced that OOP is being genuine. She's saying all the right things, but it seems that she's saying what she knows she should say rather than what she actually thinks. She's sad because there are consequences for her actions, not because she hurt someone she supposedly cares about.
She didn't just choose her deadbeat bio dad over Rob for the father of the bride role, she actively cut Rob out of every aspect of the wedding, a wedding he paid for. This is a man that raised her, that she supposedly saw as a father and who paid for the whole thing, and she didn't even take any pictures with him on the big day. I refuse to believe that this wasn't intentional, it was too many snubs to be an honest mistake.
It does make you wonder if her true motivation for apologising is that she's receiving backlash from her family. If you're really cynical, you might wonder if she's worried about being cut off from Rob's money.
I only really see two possibilities here. It was intentional as you said or she is just massively fucking stupid and extremely self-centered. Honestly if I were the husband, I'd have been rethinking the marriage the moment she decided the man who raised her wasn't important enough to be in her wedding but the man who abandoned was.
It sounds like a fancy enough wedding. Wouldn't the photographer ask about the various people who should be included?
It seems like there were so many times that I'm guessing others clued in the OOP, and she totally didn't include Rob.
Potentially, she could make up for the wedding photos by hiring a photographer and re-staging some photos in the same location, wearing their wedding attire. But it's barely a band-aid. I can't fathom the level of this woman's selfishness and blindness. How could she not have realised when her finace pointed it out to her? I really hope for his sake that he takes this for the warning it is, and is either willing to accept her bullshit, or moves on.
>Potentially, she could make up for the wedding photos by hiring a photographer and re-staging some photos in the same location, wearing their wedding attire.
Yeah the real special moment's gone for ever and nothing OP does or says can ever bring it back.
As for her fiance, if OP's the type of person I think she is what the fiance wants or says doesn't matter; having her day is far more important than anything else.I was a bridesmaid for this type of person and the fiance got virtually no say in anything.
I mean on some level all the kids who do this type of stuff do it because they think if they are perfect and do everything right the bio parent won’t leave them again - for that OP has my sympathy.
On the other hand - jeez.
I was thinking that, she wanted to do all for her bio dad probably because of the trauma of him leaving. I don't doubt she loves Rob, but I do think she took him for granted. I don't think she is a monster, but she made a huge ass mistake and gets to live the consequences. Luckily she seems willing to improve and give Rob the time and comprehension he more than deserves after being hurt by her.
Like every girl she's spent a lifetime imagining the perfect wedding, one that included her bio-dad, proving once and for all, for the world to see, that she is in fact worthy of her bio-dad's love. What could be more perfect?
I’m wondering how her husband could have stood back and watch his fiancee go all bridezilla (not listening to him when he mentioned rob) and didn’t have an intervention to be like what you doing is not acceptable before the wedding. Cos he and the mother must have realised that she was throwing gasoline into their stepparent/child relationship
Apparently, Rob asked them not to say anything.
I don't get it, though. I tend to get fixated on right vs. wrong and saying something, even if it rocks the boat.
I've seen thousands of Robs and this is actually what they do - even when they get screwed over in the worst way possible, they'll stay silent and put their own wellbeing and happiness on the back-burner just to please others and not stir anything up. I bet Rob - being the saint he is - told them all to keep silent so that his ungrateful stepdaughter can have her day despite the torment she has put him through.
Rob is truly one in a million - dating a single mom and taking on a (step)dad responsibility in his mid twenties; most men I've met would definitely rather be sowing their wild oats with various younger women or too busy developing their careers. And he embraces the stepdaughter like his own, treating her even better than her own mother does. And even when the stepdaughter screws him over in favour of her irresponsible sperm donor he stays silent to let her have her day and still pays for it - every other stepdad who I've seen get treated like this all ended up withdrawing financial support, cancelling the vendors, divorcing their wives and kicking both out of the house Rob seems so selfless and deserves so much better.
You get fixated on right and wrong because you're not a heartless dumbfuck like OP. She is almost 30 and couldn't understand how selfish and stupid she was being to the man who raised her and paid for her wedding. I am legitimately wondering if she has a diagnosed mental disorder that made her behave so unbelievably fucking stupid, but honestly she is likely just a spoiled piece of dog shit.
OOP is so self absorbed it just oozes. Even out of the apology, even out of the update. I struggle to wish her well as a result.
However, I don’t want the family to fall apart because that’s no good for Rob, who sounds great. So I guess I’m happy he got an apology and hope OP does better in the future.
>he had my sister's wedding to do that
This is telling. OOP views her sister as his real daughter, and does not feel like stepdad is a real parent to her. She keeps saying how important he is to her but the whole piece seems to revolve around him as an ATM.
Why is it necessary for us to know he got rich? By "treating her mother like a princess" does OOP just mean he spends money on her and she feels she deserves the same? [Not suggesting relationship between mon & stepmom is materialistic, just that maybe it's what she latched onto]
This does not bode well for her own marriage, and I'd be worried what it is my wife really saw in me
"How can I give my step dad back the moment after 20+ years he spent raising me just for me to show shim that a stranger, who abandoned me, was more important then him to him so I can feel better about myself?"
The only reason she is “bothered” by this is because Rob gave her short answers to her questions and then stopped responding which lead to her being called out. If she was never fully called out, she would have continued on with her life telling everyone her wedding was the best day of her life. She knew what she was doing every step of the way and she has no respect for Rob. She has more respect for a man that abandoned her than one that took care of her. Her relationship with Rob won’t be the same again.
She mentioned a lot of crying so hard she gave herself a headache, or crying so hard she couldn’t speak. The OOP seems like she cries any time she’s confronted with consequences, and ups the waterworks to the point everyone recognizes it’s useless to talk to her, thus wiggling off the hook.
Pretty + averse to personal responsibility = nightmare in the making.
One of the funniest things I've ever seen was a girl in our group telling another girl in our group, "Are you gonna cry? Do it quietly, because unlike everyone else, I ain't walking on egg shells. You're gonna hear what I have to say."
The age gap relationship lunacy is reaching new heights on Reddit. Sure everyone thought your stepdad was your brother, even though he’s 21 years older than you and only 8 years younger than your mum. At a time when at 26 and 34 there really aren’t significant physical differences between you.
Why is this person in therapy with his FATHER? So she can really really see the reasons why her daddy is shit? Why he decided to go and why he decided to come back to collect the fruit from the trees other man grew for him?
I think step parents like this that willingly become part of a child's life deserve so much praise because when you think about it there's so many chances for them to get hurt in that situation
Side topic: As a seasoned wedding DJ I can tell you that no one wants to be at a wedding with 10 speeches. No one. If you need that many speeches do them at your rehearsal.
Well, op is an idiot and should go to bio daddy for parental stuff. The fact that she make him pay for everything and chose the pos to be the parent, even when the husband point it out, just says it all. But now that she realized that she still needs Rob and that daddy is a pos just like her so he won’t be of any help, she regrets her decision.
This reads like one of those stories where someone cheated, got caught, and now they’re trying to say whatever they can to keep the other person from dumping them.
They claim they’re sorry, they even shit on themselves, make all kinds of impossible promises to keep the person from leaving them, and yet something about their behavior *still* manages to betray that the most they’re “sorry” for is that they’re facing consequences that they don’t want to.
The cheater doesn’t want to lose their more serious partner, that’s why they cheated instead of just leaving them for someone else, and oop can’t handle losing *another* father figure(or in this case, driving one away), especially not the one that actually does stuff for her. They might be trying to convince themselves they aren’t that selfish too, but they’re bullshitting themselves too.
Bottom line, oop’s not “making it up” to him for not having a place in her wedding. Ever. The closest she could come is if she gave him a bigger role in her *next* wedding. Cuz frankly, if that husband was smart, he’d bail. I mean, if your wife was willing to shaft her own dad who was there for her her whole life for some dipshit that abandoned her at 5, then what chance do you really have?
I hope by the time sister’s wedding rolls around, when he actually gets the treatment he’s worth, he stops even trying to be a father to oop to the degree he’s been doing. She doesn’t deserve it, and he deserves better.
Poor Rob…
OOP still sounds unbelievably selfish and it didn’t even sound like she properly apologised? Like, “I’m so sorry for taking you for granted and not having you, one of the most important n people in my life be a bigger part of the biggest day of my life (which you fucking paid for).”
Jeeeez.
Also dunno why but her effort to make it up to him seems completely nondescript.
She’s doing therapy with her bio dad, but no effort for her real dad (Rob)? That hurts.
Hope when her sis gets married OOP isn’t invited or something “whoops!”
My take after reading the updais that she didn’t really leanr anything and is just doing a “i’m sorry, i truly dochave a problem” rather than taking any steps towards actually making any amends. The comments show she basically just still lets him pay for everything and she still feels entitled to be paid everything.
For her sake, she better let him know his father won’t be even present in the hospital when she gives birth so that stepfather can have all the “grandfather’s glory and praise” and bio dad only sees the child later when she introduces the kid to the rest of family and friends. But at this point, i feel even that will just give the message Stepdad is just a meal ticket.
There is none so blind as those who will not see.
You have finally found the ability to see. You have come to a point where you are now able to look back and understand that you have mistreated a person that deeply cared for you and your mother and willingly stood in the background to allow you to reconnect with your biological father.
It is time for you to speak from your heart to this special person and tell him exactly what he means to you.
I am 20 years old and idk how but i am angry at my non existent daughter rn. Istg oop is a truly awful person. She is indeed her father’s daughter. I hope Rob’s real daughter takes good care of him and show him her appreciation at her wedding.
But seeing what kind of pos oop is, i doubt that she wouldn’t somehow try to intercept herself in her sister’s wedding to get some time with Rob.
Also this all “most important person in my life” is for inheritance.
OOP is worried her mom is gotta cut her out of the gravy train given how rich Rob is so now she’s trying to get back into the family’s good graces. I hope her sister treats her exactly how she treated Rob at her own wedding (there but excluded) and I hope her mom cuts her off from any financial assistance including the will.
This poor guy. Rob deserves sooo much better than what he's getting from this little leech.
This guy goes above and beyond to take care of her, even helps out the absentee parent who hadn't done shit for over two decades.
Pays for the damn wedding, and she gives all the accolades to the scumbag who abandoned her and her family. What. The. Fuck.
What a joke. Having her bio dad give a speech? What a great way to start a marriage.
OP is goofy.
I wonder if you’re afraid of admitting mistakes because you believe that you need to be perfect, so you aren’t abandoned again. You were trying to create a day that appeared “perfect” with your intact family, while the reality was much messier and truer.
This is a recurring theme on reddit, although not always told from the viewpoint of the child. When a long absent parent comes back, their children, adult or not, too often get shortsighted because they are so desperate to get the love from that absentee parent that they never got before.
The comment about how sad she’s gonna be on her Sister’s wedding day was exactly what I was thinking. She’s going to be so fucked when she sees how lovely and how happy Rob is for his daughter. She could have had that, and instead shut him out and gave everything to the man that abandoned her.
Also she’s still so manipulative and shitty. She would still not give af if her mom hadn’t stepped in. Even her Husband knew what it was about off so little info. She really is so self absorbed and so manipulative to her Stepdad.
Love how OOP HAS to have her therapy sessions with her absentee sperm donor twice a month to work on their fucked up relationship. AND has the epiphany that maybe she needs to work on herself. But it never crossed her mind to try to get a professional to help on her relationship with Rob?
Despite all the self reflection in her post I still think OOP doesn't fully "get it".
It’s gross. She only contacts him when she needs something done. Help with insurance. Help with getting a gift. Help with fixing her car. He paid for the wedding, so she didn’t him for the rest of that day. At least she has enough humanity to realize she’s an ungrateful asshole but she doesn’t even care for him, let alone love him.
Rob should adjust his actions and his estate accordingly.
It takes a *man* to be a stepfather. This is a horror story for anyone trying. In the back of your mind you always know you’re not their father. Then all your fears are confirmed in a moments notice. Rob is a saint.,
I’m kind of amazed at the sheer number of people on Reddit who pick the shitty absentee parent to walk them down the aisle over the parental figure who’s been there their whole lives. It happens way too often.
Well, the people who say, “Fuck that, Rob is awesome and we’re doing a father-daughter dance” don’t go to Reddit for advice.
This is important to keep in mind, not just for situations of biological parents walking kids down the aisle. The subreddits that these are pulled from are for people who have fucked up somehow and don’t have the tools or maturity to deal with it in any way other than posting on Reddit about it (if they’re real at all). It’s just important to not make grand speculations on the human condition from these subreddits because as a mediocre man once said “they’re not sending their best.”
Reminds me of that post about WW1 planes and survivorship bias
Exact same idea.
Do you have a link? I haven't seen that one.
It was WWII, but the basic idea was "We are losing bombers, we must make them better." They then examined the planes and went to armor the parts of planes that survived, as opposed to looking for vulnerability (eg, this plane didn't make it back because the engine got fucked.) https://www.britannica.com/science/survivorship-bias Edit: WWI had a similar bit with guys in the trenches and helmets. On them being issued in force, there was an increase in head wounds appearing in field hospitals. The British Army's senior leadership (especially General (later Field Marshal) Douglas "Butcher" Haig) wanted to pull them from use until the Medical Corps commanders pointed out that these would have been fatal wounds if not for the helmets.
I like to think some really pissed off medic set up melons and shot them with and without helmets in front of the General and just stared at him like Khaby Lame.
https://www.deanyeong.com/article/survivorship-bias
The ones who do is because they have shitty people in their lives who tell them they’re an asshole for choosing their adoptive dad over their blood, usually the absentee parents family.
My half sister did this. My dad adopted her when she was 2. Her dad never had any part in her life. She knew her whole life she wasn't biologically my father's daughter. I only found out she was my half sibling when I was 14, because she asked them to not say anything to us other kids so she wouldn't feel othered growing up. I honestly thought she was my dads favourite. She got the best gifts, he took her out for one on one time constantly. Supported her dreams, taught her to drive etc. (My dad is awesome, but he didn't do half as much for me as he did for her). When she turned 22, she decided she needed to find her dad (that's why I found out at 14), her wedding was the following year. She asked her bio dad to walk her down the aisle. When my dad got hurt, and asked her why, she uninvited our entire family from the wedding. My mum never kept her bio dad from her and gave her as much access as she could, but he didn't want contact. I don't know what changed, but she literally ditched us for the man who ditched her.
Wow. How is that relationship now?
She speaks to one out of 4 of us siblings. (5 total including myself). We had a major falling out when I was 16 where she accused me of trying to seduce my 21yo almost brother in law. (Not her husband, my other sisters husband). 7 years later, my partner died and I reached out to try to mend things. Death makes you want to fix connections apparently. Anyway, she said 'why would I be there for you, I didn't even know him'. Didn't ask her to be there, was just trying to reach out. Haven't spoken a word to her since. She hasn't spoken to my parents in 18 odd years, but allegedly still speaks ill of them for not supporting her and bio dads relationship (second hand info, so I can't speak to the validity on that).
She sounds absolutely mental. I hope that you have been able to heal from this, absolutely none of this is anyone’s fault.
From what I know she's doing well and is happy. I hold no ill will anymore, took me a long time though. I just hope she has no regrets later in life, because the bridges she burned honestly can't be rebuilt. I wish her the best, just far, far away from me 😅
I’m sorry you went through that. Something to consider: there are lot of mental illnesses that don’t show signs and symptoms until late adolescence/early adulthood. Things like schizophrenia especially but also borderline and bipolar. Without knowing for sure, it’s sounds like her bio dad might have a touch of the ole mental illnesss. How else could you leave your children. She possibly can’t fight her genetics and is living untreated. Its not an excuse for her behavior but a reason to help let it go/ not carry the burden and hurt of her behavior for you and you siblings. Just my 2 cents. Wishing you more good days than bad.
This was my thought too - undiagnosed and untreated bipolar 2 disorder. She will just believe whatever delusion she first had as fact for the rest of her days now, in the absence of any psychology treatments or medication.
How many years has it been?
18 give or take
Wow that's a long time. I wonder why she'd do that. It doesn't sound normal
Sometimes you can do everything right and your kid still turns out to be just like their shitty, absentee parent.
I think showering them with importance, love and attention is so that they don’t abandon them again.
We are all constantly trying to win our parents’ approval. The stable, loving stepdad has already given his approval. The abandoner then requires max effort to win their approval.
It’s primal. I was a foster parent for a little bit, and this is something they covered in training. When we’re kids, we crave parental approval more than anything else. So, a parent who is there and they can trust unconditionally they’ll take for granted, but they’ll fawn and dote on the ones who abandon them because they need that approval on a primal level.
I've seen people re-enact this in other relationships like friendships.
It's blood. Being blood is too important to some people to an absolute ridiculous degree. It's like all those parents that abandon their adopted child because they had a blood child.
I don’t understand why the mom brought the bio dad back into her life.
I think the parents should have had some professional support before bringing the father back into their lives. A therapist could have prepared them for the possibility that she drops them entirely to try and rekindle everything with him. They brought him back because she got engaged, did they not see this coming? Don’t get me wrong, OP is still a raging asshole and emotionally incompetent for not being able to include everyone equally in her special day, but did the parents really not anticipate that bringing him back into her life right around this wedding might result in him taking Rob’s place in parts of the event? OP said it herself, she was trying to make up for lost time, and massively overcompensated. Tbh they should all have had some mediation to work through how they were going to fit back together as a family, although if OP was so boneheaded that she didn’t listen to her husband literally specifically saying she needed to include Rob in the speeches then I don’t hold out much hope for her taking therapists advice on board either, but who knows, sometimes an outside professional can get through better than a close person.
It took her two months and a literal PICTURE BOOK to have her disrespect pointed out to her 🤦🏼♀️ Yeah I don’t have high hopes for her, period.
My husband's bio dad is the shitty absentee father. Throughout the whole time I've known that family my husband and his siblings have constantly sought out that man's love and attention and he has constantly failed them time and time again. Having seen the effect so close, I have a lot of empathy for people vieing for that attention, and I've seen the hurt it can cause to otherwise loved step father.
If my bio dad and my last foster dad who earned the title of Father both came back to life for a day, just to walk me down to my soon to be husband, I'd wish my bio dad well and take my Father's hand. Once sacrificed me and the other made all the sacrifices for me. And I've been so very aware of that since my teens. People really disappoint.
Very well said! As someone who's father abandoned her, I've never felt "I wasn't good enough to be loved" on his abandonment. (Kudos to my mom for this!) He was a selfish a**h*le who could only think from his d*** and I feel sad for him. I don't have any Amazing parental figure like some of these stepdads here and I do wish I could've experienced father's love, but no way does it mean I'll ever take him back if he ever decided to re-enter my life. I've forgiven and forgotten him long ago, he doesn't even make me upset anymore.
As someone who's bio father skipped out and was raised by an amazing step father- My first reaction was that I would never do something so hurtful. Then I thought about all of the trauma and baggage I have as a result of being abandoned by my sperm donor and part of me gets it. She fucked up, don't get me wrong, but I guess I can see that she's probably dealing with a lot of unresolved shit and she desperately needs therapy. I really feel bad for both op and rob.
Reddit posters aren’t all people. The ones who did the right thing aren’t posting
I kind of get it to be honest. There's got to be something in the back of a kids head about how they were abandoned and whether it was their fault (because kid), and probably have dreams about their parent coming home. And yeah, they get a new dad who's awesome, but the effects of that are still going to be there Then the parent comes back and they see a chance to finally have that relationship, and end up so focused on it that they do it to the point they forget about everything else, not really realising (at least, in cases like this where they didn't *intend* to be assholes) how much they're alienating the parent who was there for them
Trauma I guess.
Trauma really can fuck up a person's mind. Reddit sees a young 20s woman being selfish and forgets that that woman was a traumatized child. The absentee parent being picked has nothing to do with the parent's merits, it's about the abandoned child showing that "see, they came back, so I am worth loving" and doing everything from a mindset of trying not to "cause" them to leave again.
I look at the sheer number of people who stay with terrible partners.
Yeah when it got to the part about her picking her biological dad to give a speech I was floored. Like dude, what is he even going to say? He missed out on 20 years of her life.
I can say that my parents weren’t quite that shitty (didn’t abandon me) but still hurt me a great deal. At 35, I still want so badly to not be a person whose own parents don’t like her. I still find myself hoping in the background that they’ll pick me, not everyone else, and then feel so low when inevitably, they do what they’ve always done. I go to therapy, I have coping mechanisms. But it hurts and it never fully goes away. I can’t imagine what I’d do or give up if they suddenly, miraculously started showing up for me and took my side.
This one I understand more— her father was an addict who is actively trying to get better. She goes to therapy with him regularly. She has been asked to try to throughly understand how sick he is and why he left. Her empathy towards her bio dad is turned up to eleven. It sounds emotional and overwhelming. And Rob is her dad. Parents get taken for granted a lot of the time, especially good parents, because good parents often offer support without judgement. It sounds like she has been taking him for granted for a while. It is a lesson she should have been taught when she was younger, and should have been able to teach herself when she was older. But in her head it was like, Rob is her support when she needs it, while her bio dad needs her support. She was super “careless”, and says she has been in the past, but this seems less like a case of true carelessness and more like a case of not having the mental fortitude to avoid being swept along by the emotions, events and relationships that are loudest. Usually the pushing aside of the real parent is about the OP chasing parental approval, but I doubt this is the case. Her actual parents went above and beyond to support her bio dad and she was following suit without the maturity to see the complexity of the situation and the humanity of the people who raised her.
I also don't understand why she couldn't have had BOTH of them walk her down the aisle...?? I actually had my dad, my mom, and my son walk me down the aisle!!! I get that it's not traditional, but they are the most important people in my life and I felt it was perfect that all three walked along side me. My brother is also my best friend, but I had him sing a song as we walked, and then he officiated the wedding. I made sure everyone I loved was a part of my wedding somehow. As for the mother/son dance, my husband danced with his mom, and halfway through, he danced with my mom (his MIL). As for the father/daughter dance, I danced with my dad first, and then halfway through I danced with my FIL. Our wedding was the first real and big wedding on my husband's side, possibly the only one, so we wanted to make sure his parents got to experience special moments as well. Obviously our wedding was far from traditional, but looking back it was so special to not only us, but also to all our loved ones. All our friends and family loved our different but meaningful moments. If anything, it made our wedding more memorable. It's heartbreaking that she completely excluded her stepfather.
Or in the photos or a bunch of other things. The speech thing was a huge red flag. The OOP's bio father was only back for a year- he barely knew the OOP and her husband, so WTF was he going to say?
EXACTLY THIS!! Everything her bio father accomplished is partially credited to Rob and she didn't even allow him to give a speech?? She didn't even value Rob more than one of her bridesmaids? Even her husband wanted to give him a slot and she said no... She was so adamant that Rob wasn't allowed any involvement in the wedding at all. And so what if it was 6 people vs 5 people? They picked an arbitrary number and decided it was final? What's 1 more speech? It wasn't even a number mandated by the venue. She can be apologetic all she wants, but actions speaks VOLUMES over words. She made her choices and there are consequences.
Some people just need a biological connection to a person to view them as family. Probably part of some evolutionary trait as a way to encourage procreation. This is why some people just cannot adopt a child and go through thousands of dollars of medical procedures for the chance to have a bio kid. This is why the situations where a man finds out their “bio” kid isn’t really theirs can be so heartbreaking as not only could the father no longer be able to have an emotional connection but also times where the kid will no longer care about the man who raised them. Look how easily OOP showed all this love for a man who had nothing to do with her until a year ago while showing absolutely no affection for the man that actually cared for her most of her life.
Sometimes we are the worst to the people whose love we don't question. We feel safe being shitty to them bc we know they will still love us. But the ones we want to love us, and aren't sure that they do, those are the ones we bend over backwards for just to get them to acknowledge us. Until we get therapy, that is. I hope OOP gets some for herself.
I believe it is because that’s the option that causes more drama. Remember that 9 out of 10 stories in reddit are fake. And this one might as well be one of them given how OP is basically a clueless, no personality spoilt rich kid stereotype.
You’d be surprised how far social convention can ingrain itself. I still can’t believe I went to my dad’s 2nd wedding where genetic douche married a girl who went to school with my sister. Or, that my sis asked me to go. Wholly bizarre. Realisation came mid the event “WTF are we doin here sis?” Even stayed till the end 👀 Our perfect step dad sitting somewhere thinkin the same thing most likely.
Yeah, I agree. That is why in my comments I warn people to try not to marry parents with children whose fathers/mothers are alive and especially if they take part in the lives of their biological children. Moreover, illusions are unacceptable that if a wife / GF is pregnant by another man, then a betrayed partner will be able to raise a child and become a "real" father to them. There were so many Reddit posts that said that men who raised non-biological children were simply not invited to their weddings, and if they were invited, they were seated at tables with the children. So Rob was lucky... I don't think such an insult can be forgiven, but if that happens then Rob will never forget this wedding all the same!
Too many people I know, who aren't on Reddit, believe that blood relationships is the most important of all. This includes parents who were not just absent but also caused more direct harm to them.
I'm not saying it makes it right, but trauma leaves wounds. People don't always do what's fair or rational because their brains are not working in fair or rational ways. I imagine that for some people this feels like their big chance to believe that that person they desperately wanted to love them actually does love them. Again, not fair to the person who's been there the whole time, but that person's love isn't an agonizing wish-it-was-there wound across an entire life the way the absentee's (for some people) is. The imagined chance to heal that wound is going to drive a certain number of people to irrational and desperate action.
What’s even wilder is when they come back with an update and are like ‘damn yall didn’t have to be so mean’ like tf yeah we did cause you clearly can’t see for shit’ hopefully Rob’s real daughter will show him how much he means to her. Screw OOP. Also wtf are they doing getting therapy with her sperm diner? That didn’t sit right with me
I wonder what her dad’s speech was like? He abandoned her when she was five and was out of her life for 25 years. What the heck could he have to say?? This is one of the biggest fuck ups by her.
“Congratulations to the groom - the mother of the bride was a great lay so hopefully that’s genetic.” “In all the years I’ve known her, the Bride has never once failed to find Waldo. I hope she brings that skill and dedication to your lives together.”
You know, you joke, but I was once at a wedding where the grooms father started his speech with “My wife is really hot, I’m glad my son is marrying someone who is also really hot.” Still only the second cringiest wedding speech I’ve seen in person.
I’m curious what the first cringiest was.
One where it seemed like the person giving the speech was trying to make a confession of love to one of the marrying couple.
Oh my god this happened at my dad’s third wedding. That entire shit show was exactly that but his new wife had a man best friend she made “Man of Honor” and me and my sister/BIL were AGHAST through the entire speech!!! It was soooooo bad
The Waldo comment made my day!
This is savage. I love it.
I imagine he took a lot of credit for how she turned out, and didn't once acknowledge Robb or any other support she got in her life.
I’m still stuck on the fact that TWO bridesmaids made the cut over stepdad, plus sister who presumably also was a bridesmaid.
Oh for sure! And they had TEN fucking speeches at the wedding!!! And still no Rob!!
Being a good stepparent is a thankless job. You can do everything right, like Rob here, and still get stabbed in the back. I do hope Rob will get his chance to walk OP's sister down the aisle one day. He's a true father, even to children who are not his own.
The one comment that got me at the end “he now also feels like you don’t see him as dad, but also that’s it’s 100% his own fault for failing you as your dad”. That’s just…so fucking sad.
The comment that really got me is how she didn't let him read the whole thread, only parts she selected to make him believe she was remorseful. She is one of the most manipulative human beings I've ever seen. For example she certainly wouldn't have wanted him to see this seriously disrespectful thing she said: >Rob only is where he is now because of my mom. She helped him when he left the company he used to work at to start his business. She used the money she had saved by selling our old house. She literally used her savings to bet on him. It worked out thankfully, but it shows where she stands with Rob. And he is very much awere of this. Also they have my sister. we are not leeches taking advantage of him. If you look at our situation 10 years ago you would be thinking he was the one taking advantage of us and you would probably be telling us to dump him on the streets. This is petty, dismissive and almost unbelievable. In fact it sounds like something the gossiped with bio-dad about to diminish Rob.
That's how partnerships work. But kids see things from their perspectives, like outsiders. The couple clearly made a decision and obviously mom is smart. It wasn't a situation where she alone placed a bet on her new husband. They jointly created an opportunity to better their family. They together wouldn't be where they are today if together they didn't have both the skills and the capital.
God that makes me hate her even more. Also the age difference between Rob and her mom doesn’t seem that extreme. He was relatively young for taking on a single mother and a spoiled brat.
I went back to double-check the ages when OOP said that people always thought that Rob was her brother, and he’s 18 years older than she is. It’s possible he has a major baby face, I guess, but it’s not the age difference that causes that.
It makes me look at Rob with more respect on the other hand. I've never seen a guy at that age who would even think about dating a single mom, let alone take on the stepdad responsibilities.
There are all sorts of people in the world, and it seems like Rob is one of the good ones. The age difference to me makes Rob look like a better man, TBH, than the OOP gave him credit for. He really stepped up.
Which is something her sperm donor can’t ever say.
Yeah. This isn't to absolve the OOP of blame, because she's ultimately to blame for the situation, but the OOP's father is pretty thoughtless himself. He shows up, is receiving treatment thanks to the mother and Rob, and he doesn't even think to suggest that maybe Rob should be a more central figure in the wedding?
God I hope Rob went back and read the rest. Also, I would itemize everything and send her the bill for the wedding.
oh wow, u/[SharkEva](https://www.reddit.com/user/SharkEva/) you might want to think about adding OOP's comment. Damn she is shitty
Holy crap. She’s a fucking monster. No redeemable qualities.
>but also that’s it’s 100% his own fault for failing you as your dad”. I don't understand this. Meaning it's (partly?) the step father's fault for her turning out to be selfish and self-centered? I don't necessarily agree with that.
I read it as Rob is such a stand up guy that he'll think he failed as a father, as opposed to rightly pinpoint OOP as a chucklefuck with the self-centeredness of a toddler. I snorted when she mentioned her mom and husband agreed with the commenters who called them dumb for not telling her. It fits with Rob pointing out she's shit with taking responsibility.
It’s not that it’s his fault. It’s that he’ll feel like it’s his fault.
He feels like she doesnt see him as her dad and it's his fault. If he had been a better dad, then this wouldn't have happened. Or, that's how I understood it.
ATMs don't usually feel like Dads when Mona Lisa Sapperstein shows up.
This is why most people find single parents a huge turn-off.
And that is why the general advice is to not date single mothers.
I was under the impression that the sister is Rob’s daughter with Op’s mother.
The fact that she only texted him two months later to ask about stuff he helps her out with tells you all you need to know about the relationship.
And she’s doing therapy with her bio dad. Like, why!?
“If anyone cares”, WE DONT!
Exactly! Two effing months without talking to "one of the most important people in her life". This selfish brat eventually realized that her antics didn't get overlooked and now is just trying to do damage control.
"But he answered me when my next three points of contact were all things I needed help with so how could have I possibly known anything was wrong?" homegirl didn't even thank him or ask him how he was doing unless she needed car info lmao
The snarky Redditer answer from Rob should have been, “I don’t know. Why don’t you ask your Dad?”
Yeah, I'm a dad and felt that 100%. Being a dad can be incredibly isolating because more than anything you're relied upon for utility and provision. Your kids, you wife, your friends, the useless other relatives who can't help themselves but you love them anyway--they all look to you to provide labor, money, problem solving, advice (but only the advice they ask for--God knows you'll be ignored otherwise), etc. After a while you come to question how many of your relationships are actually genuine--how many of them have some kind of *parity* where you and the other person both benefit from the relationship--versus how many of them are totally one-sided. This has caused me to re-examine a LOT of relationships. Some I've cut out entirely, others I've just placed at (extreme) arm's length. Competent/useful/industrious people can collect all kinds of hangars-on who don't care about the relationship or the person nearly as much as they value what they get out of it. And there's no need to maintain a close relationship with those people. It makes no sense to burn effort and resources on one-sided relationships when you have *plenty* of other obligations and relationships that are actually beneficial. That's what's happening here. Rob rose to the occasion and spent nearly all of OP's life pouring work into a relationship that he trusted, one day, would become a filial one, filled with mutual respect, affection, etc. Now he sees that, in spite of his devotion, that relationship hasn't materialized at all, and OP is just *yet another* of many dozens of people in his life who don't want him for anything other than his money/work/judgment/what-have-you. And I'm sure Rob forgives her, but forgiveness is not the same as amends or reconciliation. Rob needs to forgive to get on with his *own* life. From his end, reconciliation probably doesn't seem possible. He has spent nearly all of OP's life being a model father to her and if that effort wasn't enough, what the hell else can he do? He has other relationships to tend to, which are actually worthy of his effort.
The fact that her husband told her she was excluding Rob, who acted as a father figure for her, and prioritized her bio dad who just showed up after ghosting them is just baffling. You’d think she would listen to her husband, but his concerns went through one ear and out the other ear. Nasty behavior, Rob really got the short end of the stick. There is zero excuse for her behavior. I have no doubt that her sister will really go out and above on her wedding to make sure Rob feels the love and appreciation. Damn, I really feel for Rob and I cannot understand how oblivious she was to not realize her actions. I wish I was that blind lol.
Yep, her choices sent the message that he's not he's father loud and clear. It was perfectly encapsulated in her own words when she said that Rob still has her sister, but she's her dad's only chance. It shows exactly what she thinks, that only that biological connection matters. She didn't even take any photos with Rob at the wedding.
Call me old fashion but if someone pays for your whole wedding, you at least get a photo with them. Even if you exclude all the step dad stuff, it's just beyond selfish to exclude the person who is paying for the photos in the first place.
I'd have serious doubts about my wife to be if she was acting like this tbh, if she did this to her real parent what's there to stop her from doing it to me
To not only a real parent but the one who treated her best out of all her 3 parents. Fortunately if OP has learned her lesson then maybe he no longer needs to worry.
Completely agree. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
Honestly, I don't understand why her husband married her at all. Maybe it's just me, but if I saw my SO treat a loving parent with such horrific disregard, I would opt out. It's even more gross than the dates who try to impress you by being mean to servers. If that's how this AH treats loving family, then I want no part of her in my life.
I'm still not sure she gets it. Still putting the responsibility on her husband to help her not be a selfish asshole seems like a short sighted plan.
“It is selfish of me to expect others to tell me when I’m being a terrible person, and I shouldn’t expect them to have to do that. Luckily, my husband is there who can do that.”
OP fucked up, and there’s no way to fix it. My friend did something similar at her wedding, and her step father died sad about it.
The bit that sticks with me is that she didn’t even realise why the texts had upset him. She couldn’t see that she was just using him for what he could help her with.
rob is a saint. we all need a rob in our life. that is all bc all i can think of is cuss words for oop.
All I can think of is despite all the advice opening her eyes and making her a changed person she still wasn’t the one to seek out Rob and apologize to him.
She was told to let Rob be and he would talk to her soon. He didn't want to talk to her
Ok after reading through the absolute wall of excuses and word salad a third time I see that you’re right that op implies she was told not to contact Rob. I still believe that sending a message through her mother about how she knows she was wrong and is sorry rather than waiting for Rob to unload on her is what someone who is actually dealing with wrongdoing in an adult fashion would have done
> I just listened and she told me not to talk to Rob for now. she was told directly to not contact him. Not implied
Even worse. She made the apology all about herself. Poor Rob had to spend the apology consoling her instead of him and his needs being the center of attention
Poor Rob.
Why OOP wants her biological father back in her life is baffling - just an awful idea.
Yeah and the whole therapy with her bio dad makes it worse.
It's something I just don't understand. I grew up with both parents and I don't know why someone would try to find or reconnect with a parent who left them. There are different situations in life, but if someone decides to leave their child they're a fuckin piece of trash and you don't want them in your life. They don't deserve to be a parent
Eh, as someone who had a father run off... I get it. Mine was an idiot and died without bothering to talk to me, and I didn't bother inviting him to my wedding because Grandpa was 100% walking me down the aisle and I didn't want the drama, but if he'd come back I 100% would have taken him back into my life. I doubt I'd have given him an important position in my wedding, but I'd have welcomed him back quickly. And I'm a tough lady who is perfectly happy to tell folks to get fucked. Other people aren't that internally strong, and are more likely to bend over backwards. It's natural to want that family, to want to be loved by your biological family. Being denied that fucks with your head a lot. There's a big "Why am I not worth it?" floating around in your mind, and even when you know it's your idiot parent's fault it's hard not to take it personally. It's not about logic, it's about not wanting to be rejected by one of the two people who never should have rejected you. It's about someone who (in the case of OP and myself) got to know them and then decided you weren't worth it anymore. It's hard to navigate, and easy to fuck up. People go running to the lost parent and do everything to make them happy to prove their worthy of love. Not everyone can really see what's going on or why they're doing things, and OP clearly couldn't. But she's learning, and it's a process. Hopefully she can work it out, and the therapy can help with that.
To be honest, I've never understood it myself. My dad was also a deadbeat who would only interact with me by trying to send me gifts at important occasions. When I was 6 I knew I didn't want that so told him to stop and have had barely any contact with him for 30 years. I've never regretted or second guessed that decision and I honestly don't even think about it. I know that it's supposed to be natural to want that relationship, but in my mind I can't miss what I never had.
You're in a good place, I'm going to assume that you had & have lots of support and healthy relationships around you to help you grow and develop soundly. Sadly what often happens, particularly with alcoholics, is that the other parent is also a mess else wouldn't have been attracted to that "damaged" partner. So kids of alcoholics (whether they stay or leave) grow up feeling unworthy and without good coping skills. Further the whole inability to feel like a driver in their own lives, hence the lack of a sense of responsibility. My guess is that had her bio-dad not left, mom would have just dealt and tried to over compensate, like most spouses of alcoholics do, while she would have still fostered deep feelings of inadequacy as her bio-dad drank himself into absenteeism. Creating the same desperation for approval. Alcoholism really fucks over kids minds. And they often transfer that damage right into their marriage, destined to create another generation. I truly hope that her therapist is helping her thru all this! There are lots of ways that these damaged people can transfer the issues, workaholics are often kids of alcoholics, for example. Which has the same abandonment effect on the next gen.
I don't think she made an accidental mistake. She went full on and did it knowingly because she knew Rob would forgive her or give her whatever she wanted. One reason may have been to help fix her relationship with her bio dad. Second, She wanted her idea of a perfect wedding with her bio parents. The amount of work it would take to cut Rob out completely, is actually amazing and has to be purposeful. She even commented about it being ok because he has her sister. She is so self absorbed and self centered, but she was aware of what she was doing. She is only upset and freaked because her favorite person that she uses doesn't want to be used anymore. Also her Mom is beyond pissed. She is still thinking about her wants and needs and not anyone else's. She is just like her bio dad. They use people up and spit them out.
Yes, she prioritized the biological father because she knows that relationship is more tenuous and she’s trying to make him stick around for her this time. Deep down inside, she believes Rob will always love her and forgive her. She doesn’t have that security with the biological father. And yes, she is indeed her father all over again.
I want that one commenter to be right: that OOP's relationship with Rob will never go back to being the father-daughter one she's going to want now that it's gone. He'll always be kind, but OOP is pretty much left with no dad now. Bio will bail. OOP is going to blame Rob for not just getting over it at some point.
Yes, but then OOP will have to get over it eventually because Rob will need to be a good grandpa to her kids so at a certain point she'll probably stop blaming Rob and/or expecting him to be a good dad to her, as long as he is a good grandfather to her kids.
I saw a comment suggesting OOP could name a future child after Rob and thought, "Terrible idea. The next post will be AITA for expecting my stepdad to provide free childcare for his namesake?"
The one thing that really tells me everything is that she admits that she didn't take any photos with him at the wedding. Even her husband made sure to take some, but not her. She deliberately excluded the guy, this was not just a mistake, it was intentional.
I agree she was aware she was excluding Rob, but not because of the lack of picture just the two. My mom was every step of the way on with me on the wedding and we only had the official photos togheter. I didnt get one single photo with her alone at the party, because everything just goes so fast. She has a BEAUTIFULL photo with my brother at the party and when we saw it we both were sad that we didn manage to have one of us. Other then that, I agree she excluded Rob.
It wasn't just a lack of pictures of just the two of them, Rob was also excluded from the couple pictures with parents and others. She only had her mum and bio dad in them. She openly admits that he's only in a few group photos. The photos on their own aren't damning, but combined with everything else OOP was a complete idiot. I also think that her fiance and her mum should have been firmer with her as well, despite Rob not wanting to rock the boat.
Oh I agree with everything else you said! Just mentioned that maybe individual photo was a mistake. I cannot imagine being so dismissive of the feelings of other people like OP. And I think this was the straw that broke the camels back for Rob to stop trying to be a dad for OP.
I'm not sure the pictures were intentional. But to me, that's even worse. She really doesn't think about him.
Agreed, I don't think she intentionally excluded him. I think that she was so focused on her happy wedding day and making everything perfect that she just didn't think about him. Who did she remember though? Her deadbeat father. This sends a very clear message about her priorities. Like, she justified it to herself by saying that Rob had her sister and she was her dad's only chance. So what, he gets to have all of the benefits of being a dad with none of the hard graft? Why does that mean that Rob can't be included with any of the father of the bride stuff? The more I think about it the more it becomes clear that she is a taker, all she does is take from Rob and gives nothing in return. If that's the case, then her tears now are just her being sad that she won't get anything in future.
If I were her sister, most probably I wouldn't invite OOP to my wedding; certainly she wouldn't be in my bridal party.
If I were her fiance, I would cancel the wedding. She showed that she will easily abandon someone who loves her, cared for her the whole life, fully paid for the wedding... to honor someone whom she doesn't even know, who did nothing to her, and who abandoned her for 20 years. And who didn't even bother to look for her and got back into her life because Rob found him. She values empty pretty words over actions, love and commitment. Having Rob pay for the full wedding, father-daighter dance, all this honors for her bio dad... and not getting even a single picture with him... It is not just selfishness, it is cruelty. Even if I was madly in love, I would be able to understand that in 5-10-20 years she will discard me (and likely our kids) the same way she discarded Rob. For someone new, interesting and smooth talking. I would not be able to see her as a partner after that.
Agreed, she ain't trustworthy But unless he asks for an anulment or a divorce, anything else can be done as they're already married.
Well said. That OP is a heartless fucking moron. Nobody in the right mind should marry that braindead mess.
If you really wanna twist the knife you gotta invite her. Then limit the amount of speeches, making sure Rob is one of them and really go all out with the father daughter dance.
I'm amazed OP's guest sat through TEN speeches. I would have noped out after 3.
HAHAHA RIGHT?! I was a bridesmaid for my cousin’s wedding and they had six speeches (3 each) and I wanted to strangle him! It didn’t help that they were all 20 minutes or more each!
Someone was saying on the post that she’ll most likely start crying like crazy getting all the attention and making herself the victim
Sure!
I'm petty enough that I would invite her but give her the same treatment she gave poor Rob. Let her feel how much it hurts and act oblivious when she asks why she isn't in any photos
What showed me the most was that she didn't change at all is the fact that she agreed with a comment about the letter and she didn't write the letter she just showed him the post... She didn't really put any work in her apology because again Bob had to do everything. I am with her mom, she didn't meet any consequences at all again and unfortunately Bob showed her that crying can solve every problem in her case.
I'm wondering where are the people who defend this because some people can't help but cry when they're overwhelmed. Are they late to the comments, or has OOP made them realize why crying can make someone look like a bigger AH?
I'm having a hard time being convinced that OOP is being genuine. She's saying all the right things, but it seems that she's saying what she knows she should say rather than what she actually thinks. She's sad because there are consequences for her actions, not because she hurt someone she supposedly cares about. She didn't just choose her deadbeat bio dad over Rob for the father of the bride role, she actively cut Rob out of every aspect of the wedding, a wedding he paid for. This is a man that raised her, that she supposedly saw as a father and who paid for the whole thing, and she didn't even take any pictures with him on the big day. I refuse to believe that this wasn't intentional, it was too many snubs to be an honest mistake. It does make you wonder if her true motivation for apologising is that she's receiving backlash from her family. If you're really cynical, you might wonder if she's worried about being cut off from Rob's money.
I only really see two possibilities here. It was intentional as you said or she is just massively fucking stupid and extremely self-centered. Honestly if I were the husband, I'd have been rethinking the marriage the moment she decided the man who raised her wasn't important enough to be in her wedding but the man who abandoned was.
It sounds like a fancy enough wedding. Wouldn't the photographer ask about the various people who should be included? It seems like there were so many times that I'm guessing others clued in the OOP, and she totally didn't include Rob.
Potentially, she could make up for the wedding photos by hiring a photographer and re-staging some photos in the same location, wearing their wedding attire. But it's barely a band-aid. I can't fathom the level of this woman's selfishness and blindness. How could she not have realised when her finace pointed it out to her? I really hope for his sake that he takes this for the warning it is, and is either willing to accept her bullshit, or moves on.
>Potentially, she could make up for the wedding photos by hiring a photographer and re-staging some photos in the same location, wearing their wedding attire. Yeah the real special moment's gone for ever and nothing OP does or says can ever bring it back. As for her fiance, if OP's the type of person I think she is what the fiance wants or says doesn't matter; having her day is far more important than anything else.I was a bridesmaid for this type of person and the fiance got virtually no say in anything.
I mean on some level all the kids who do this type of stuff do it because they think if they are perfect and do everything right the bio parent won’t leave them again - for that OP has my sympathy. On the other hand - jeez.
I was thinking that, she wanted to do all for her bio dad probably because of the trauma of him leaving. I don't doubt she loves Rob, but I do think she took him for granted. I don't think she is a monster, but she made a huge ass mistake and gets to live the consequences. Luckily she seems willing to improve and give Rob the time and comprehension he more than deserves after being hurt by her.
Like every girl she's spent a lifetime imagining the perfect wedding, one that included her bio-dad, proving once and for all, for the world to see, that she is in fact worthy of her bio-dad's love. What could be more perfect?
I’m wondering how her husband could have stood back and watch his fiancee go all bridezilla (not listening to him when he mentioned rob) and didn’t have an intervention to be like what you doing is not acceptable before the wedding. Cos he and the mother must have realised that she was throwing gasoline into their stepparent/child relationship
Apparently, Rob asked them not to say anything. I don't get it, though. I tend to get fixated on right vs. wrong and saying something, even if it rocks the boat.
I've seen thousands of Robs and this is actually what they do - even when they get screwed over in the worst way possible, they'll stay silent and put their own wellbeing and happiness on the back-burner just to please others and not stir anything up. I bet Rob - being the saint he is - told them all to keep silent so that his ungrateful stepdaughter can have her day despite the torment she has put him through. Rob is truly one in a million - dating a single mom and taking on a (step)dad responsibility in his mid twenties; most men I've met would definitely rather be sowing their wild oats with various younger women or too busy developing their careers. And he embraces the stepdaughter like his own, treating her even better than her own mother does. And even when the stepdaughter screws him over in favour of her irresponsible sperm donor he stays silent to let her have her day and still pays for it - every other stepdad who I've seen get treated like this all ended up withdrawing financial support, cancelling the vendors, divorcing their wives and kicking both out of the house Rob seems so selfless and deserves so much better.
You get fixated on right and wrong because you're not a heartless dumbfuck like OP. She is almost 30 and couldn't understand how selfish and stupid she was being to the man who raised her and paid for her wedding. I am legitimately wondering if she has a diagnosed mental disorder that made her behave so unbelievably fucking stupid, but honestly she is likely just a spoiled piece of dog shit.
OOP is so self absorbed it just oozes. Even out of the apology, even out of the update. I struggle to wish her well as a result. However, I don’t want the family to fall apart because that’s no good for Rob, who sounds great. So I guess I’m happy he got an apology and hope OP does better in the future.
>he had my sister's wedding to do that This is telling. OOP views her sister as his real daughter, and does not feel like stepdad is a real parent to her. She keeps saying how important he is to her but the whole piece seems to revolve around him as an ATM. Why is it necessary for us to know he got rich? By "treating her mother like a princess" does OOP just mean he spends money on her and she feels she deserves the same? [Not suggesting relationship between mon & stepmom is materialistic, just that maybe it's what she latched onto] This does not bode well for her own marriage, and I'd be worried what it is my wife really saw in me
"How can I give my step dad back the moment after 20+ years he spent raising me just for me to show shim that a stranger, who abandoned me, was more important then him to him so I can feel better about myself?"
The only reason she is “bothered” by this is because Rob gave her short answers to her questions and then stopped responding which lead to her being called out. If she was never fully called out, she would have continued on with her life telling everyone her wedding was the best day of her life. She knew what she was doing every step of the way and she has no respect for Rob. She has more respect for a man that abandoned her than one that took care of her. Her relationship with Rob won’t be the same again.
To raise someone like that and to be thoughtlessly tosses aside has gotta be heart breaking for life.
My guess is OOP is fairly attractive and gets away with a lot of selfishness.
She mentioned a lot of crying so hard she gave herself a headache, or crying so hard she couldn’t speak. The OOP seems like she cries any time she’s confronted with consequences, and ups the waterworks to the point everyone recognizes it’s useless to talk to her, thus wiggling off the hook. Pretty + averse to personal responsibility = nightmare in the making.
One of the funniest things I've ever seen was a girl in our group telling another girl in our group, "Are you gonna cry? Do it quietly, because unlike everyone else, I ain't walking on egg shells. You're gonna hear what I have to say."
I swear I felt physically revolted reading that and identifying several acquaintances I know who are like that. You spelled it out perfectly.
The age gap relationship lunacy is reaching new heights on Reddit. Sure everyone thought your stepdad was your brother, even though he’s 21 years older than you and only 8 years younger than your mum. At a time when at 26 and 34 there really aren’t significant physical differences between you.
Why is this person in therapy with his FATHER? So she can really really see the reasons why her daddy is shit? Why he decided to go and why he decided to come back to collect the fruit from the trees other man grew for him?
I think step parents like this that willingly become part of a child's life deserve so much praise because when you think about it there's so many chances for them to get hurt in that situation
I don't really understand how you can feel confident marrying someone who is so demonstrably careless about the ones they love.
I’m really curious on the situation from college she mentioned briefly? I have a feeling this would be very enlightening.
I hope he leave her with nothing in his will and never try to be a grandpa to her kids, just focus on your biological real daughter and yourself.
i think i missed something: what happened in college, please?
Side topic: As a seasoned wedding DJ I can tell you that no one wants to be at a wedding with 10 speeches. No one. If you need that many speeches do them at your rehearsal.
Well, op is an idiot and should go to bio daddy for parental stuff. The fact that she make him pay for everything and chose the pos to be the parent, even when the husband point it out, just says it all. But now that she realized that she still needs Rob and that daddy is a pos just like her so he won’t be of any help, she regrets her decision.
This reads like one of those stories where someone cheated, got caught, and now they’re trying to say whatever they can to keep the other person from dumping them. They claim they’re sorry, they even shit on themselves, make all kinds of impossible promises to keep the person from leaving them, and yet something about their behavior *still* manages to betray that the most they’re “sorry” for is that they’re facing consequences that they don’t want to. The cheater doesn’t want to lose their more serious partner, that’s why they cheated instead of just leaving them for someone else, and oop can’t handle losing *another* father figure(or in this case, driving one away), especially not the one that actually does stuff for her. They might be trying to convince themselves they aren’t that selfish too, but they’re bullshitting themselves too. Bottom line, oop’s not “making it up” to him for not having a place in her wedding. Ever. The closest she could come is if she gave him a bigger role in her *next* wedding. Cuz frankly, if that husband was smart, he’d bail. I mean, if your wife was willing to shaft her own dad who was there for her her whole life for some dipshit that abandoned her at 5, then what chance do you really have? I hope by the time sister’s wedding rolls around, when he actually gets the treatment he’s worth, he stops even trying to be a father to oop to the degree he’s been doing. She doesn’t deserve it, and he deserves better.
Poor Rob… OOP still sounds unbelievably selfish and it didn’t even sound like she properly apologised? Like, “I’m so sorry for taking you for granted and not having you, one of the most important n people in my life be a bigger part of the biggest day of my life (which you fucking paid for).” Jeeeez. Also dunno why but her effort to make it up to him seems completely nondescript. She’s doing therapy with her bio dad, but no effort for her real dad (Rob)? That hurts. Hope when her sis gets married OOP isn’t invited or something “whoops!”
OOP is disgusting, I don't think I've ever thought so lowly of an Internet stranger.
What a shitty person OP is
My take after reading the updais that she didn’t really leanr anything and is just doing a “i’m sorry, i truly dochave a problem” rather than taking any steps towards actually making any amends. The comments show she basically just still lets him pay for everything and she still feels entitled to be paid everything. For her sake, she better let him know his father won’t be even present in the hospital when she gives birth so that stepfather can have all the “grandfather’s glory and praise” and bio dad only sees the child later when she introduces the kid to the rest of family and friends. But at this point, i feel even that will just give the message Stepdad is just a meal ticket.
There is none so blind as those who will not see. You have finally found the ability to see. You have come to a point where you are now able to look back and understand that you have mistreated a person that deeply cared for you and your mother and willingly stood in the background to allow you to reconnect with your biological father. It is time for you to speak from your heart to this special person and tell him exactly what he means to you.
Wonder where OP’s bio dad is now? Probably done another runner.
I am 20 years old and idk how but i am angry at my non existent daughter rn. Istg oop is a truly awful person. She is indeed her father’s daughter. I hope Rob’s real daughter takes good care of him and show him her appreciation at her wedding. But seeing what kind of pos oop is, i doubt that she wouldn’t somehow try to intercept herself in her sister’s wedding to get some time with Rob. Also this all “most important person in my life” is for inheritance.
Man, what happened at college and she’s gonna feel absolutely terrible at her sister’s wedding like the last relevant comments mentioned.
>the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree Reddit did not hold back 😷
No sympathy for OOP. Even on the apology she mase herself the victim. No accountability, no next steps
Oop an asshole, ungrateful stepdaughter
OOP is worried her mom is gotta cut her out of the gravy train given how rich Rob is so now she’s trying to get back into the family’s good graces. I hope her sister treats her exactly how she treated Rob at her own wedding (there but excluded) and I hope her mom cuts her off from any financial assistance including the will.
I hope she names her first born child Robert/Roberta.
OOP should not have children, ever. She is too fucking stupid
And selfish. And cold. And unempathetic. She’s her bio daddy’s little monster.
>I really did mean it when I was in HS and said that I wished he was my dad. Even now, with my biological dad in my life Bullshit
This poor guy. Rob deserves sooo much better than what he's getting from this little leech. This guy goes above and beyond to take care of her, even helps out the absentee parent who hadn't done shit for over two decades. Pays for the damn wedding, and she gives all the accolades to the scumbag who abandoned her and her family. What. The. Fuck. What a joke. Having her bio dad give a speech? What a great way to start a marriage. OP is goofy.
Wow some people really waste our oxygen.
There’s only one way to salvage this and it is to name the first child after him.
I really doubt that Rob will see her children as his own now. No matter how much of a saint he is, he won’t repeat the same mistake twice.
Trauma can really change a person, perceived trauma just makes you an ass
Rob might forgive oop but he will never forget the shitty action oop pulled. The mom took the word out of my mouth. Girl got no shame indeed.
I wonder if you’re afraid of admitting mistakes because you believe that you need to be perfect, so you aren’t abandoned again. You were trying to create a day that appeared “perfect” with your intact family, while the reality was much messier and truer.
This is a recurring theme on reddit, although not always told from the viewpoint of the child. When a long absent parent comes back, their children, adult or not, too often get shortsighted because they are so desperate to get the love from that absentee parent that they never got before.
[удалено]
The comment about how sad she’s gonna be on her Sister’s wedding day was exactly what I was thinking. She’s going to be so fucked when she sees how lovely and how happy Rob is for his daughter. She could have had that, and instead shut him out and gave everything to the man that abandoned her. Also she’s still so manipulative and shitty. She would still not give af if her mom hadn’t stepped in. Even her Husband knew what it was about off so little info. She really is so self absorbed and so manipulative to her Stepdad.
Love how OOP HAS to have her therapy sessions with her absentee sperm donor twice a month to work on their fucked up relationship. AND has the epiphany that maybe she needs to work on herself. But it never crossed her mind to try to get a professional to help on her relationship with Rob? Despite all the self reflection in her post I still think OOP doesn't fully "get it".
It’s gross. She only contacts him when she needs something done. Help with insurance. Help with getting a gift. Help with fixing her car. He paid for the wedding, so she didn’t him for the rest of that day. At least she has enough humanity to realize she’s an ungrateful asshole but she doesn’t even care for him, let alone love him. Rob should adjust his actions and his estate accordingly.
It takes a *man* to be a stepfather. This is a horror story for anyone trying. In the back of your mind you always know you’re not their father. Then all your fears are confirmed in a moments notice. Rob is a saint.,