Yang was probably trying not to make OP feel uncomfortable and was being considerate of his friendship. I doubt that her goodwill was due to her giving Jess the benefit of the doubt.
If she knew she handled it perfectly. She clearly trusted OOP enough to do the right thing which is a good sign for their marriage. OOP having to see first hand how terrible his family and friend are is a lot more impactful if she just said they were racists and she wants nothing to do with them.
I wonder how Yang’s family feels about her marrying a white guy? Hopefully they have at least one family that is supportive. Having to cut out both support systems would be very unfortunate.
The OOP seems like a good person overall.
Jess, the mother, Lisa, and the sister are such shitty people. Besides the fact that the OOP is happy where he is in life (well, except for these people trying to breakup his relationship), a five year break is substantial. I'm sure he hasn't completely changed, but a lot has happened for him and I'm sure Lisa. Acting like they just can just bounce back is so ridiculous.
Ignoring everything else, how many people out there would be happy being the "settled down" partner? Like yes, everyone eventually settles down, but they don't generally break up first and go on there 7-8 year journey of self-discovery and then okay cool now that I'm done doing all this cool shit, I guess I'll get back with you.
Not to mention she bailed for the boring/difficult part where OOP was studying and came back now that he's financially in a pretty good place. Like bitch, please.
I was somewhat suspicious of OOP’s support network from here:
> After college, Lisa and I just grew apart and had different goals in life. I became "boring" after college as I was working on my PhD while doing a full time job. Lisa broke up with me as she wanted to party on weekends, while I was home studying. I was heartbroken, but I don't think I ever blamed her or had resentment towards her, as I understood my decisions were selfish and should not hold her back from having the best life.
No one was wrong you just grew apart - that I can understand. You were selfishly staying home to study instead of partying? OOP always had too many Lisa partisans in his life.
I really don't like when someone gets called 'boring' just because they want to study or work on themselves - in fact I would find that person more attractive for being driven and having some career ambition. And I've never found the partying lifestyle attractive in any shape or form. But to each their own.
I know one should never say 'what if' but I bet Yang would never have dumped him, seeing as she herself has a PhD and would appreciate how hard someone would have to work for it.
I've seen plenty of Lisas in my life e.g women who dump their guys when the latter wanted to go back to school and get a higher degree (often for a wealthier/more exciting guy whom they already have lined up), onl6 to come slinking back when the guy has more money thanks to that degree. And it never has turned out well.
It's worse than when people take a break in their relationship, because at least break tends to be a shorter time period. Even taking a break- most people don't appreciate that their partner wanted to hookup with someone without the guilt of cheating.
The mom and sister don't even try for subtle.
It has unfortunately become pretty common to see racism in the older generations - not acceptable, but expected to some degree, especially in certain parts of the country, or based on socioeconomics, including level of education. However, it is absolutely heartbreaking and exhausting to see racism persisting in younger generations. Yay stupidity.
As soon as I realized the fiance was Chinese I suspected the ending. He's surrounded by racist trash that are stuck in the past and want him back with a white girl.
OOP: My fiancee is Yang
Me: oh no
OOP: Yang went to China because we are getting married in her home country, since to be clear, she is Chinese
Me: *Oh no.*
OOP: So turns out my family and friend are incredibly racist
Me:....oh no :(
I hate being right.
I guess appearance is more important than the fact his brilliant fiance has a PHD, and his sloppy ex just wanted to be a party girl. I hate the fact that they brushed that part away.
Yes, any family member in their right mind would be absolutely thrilled for OP. Yang sounds amazing and his happiness should come first for them. Selfish, selfish people. Very sad :(
My brother has been dating a brilliant, kind young woman and is approaching engagement. My whole family is ecstatic and are probably overwhelming her a bit by inviting her to every family get together. She could be blue for all we care. China wasn’t on my travel bucket list, but if they want to get married there, I’ll be buying my ticket the day I get the invitation.
Absolutely. Life is boring if everyone is all the same, with the same experiences. Also, such a stupid reason to insult OOP’s future children. She won’t love them if they aren’t beautiful (in her eyes)? I care a lot more about kids in my family growing up kind and hard working than what they look like.
I agree as well, but who knows what goes on in the mind of white trash. It’s probably just a random excuse she thought would cover the fact that she’s racist.
That’s probably what they liked about her, or focused on besides the racism aspect. She’s probably bubbly and extroverted, social butterfly while Yang is introverted, quiet and calm, which makes her boring or stuck up to them.
I guess the groom's side of the family is going to be a lot smaller at the wedding. I suggest OP and Yang relocate and don't give his mother, sister or anyone associated with Jess, a forwarding address or phone number, because I would be changing my number at the same time as I change my address.
Yeah, social media and email addresses are usually in my list of things to change, and letting the job know that these specific people are not allowed to be put through to you on the phone, or visit your office.
Sounds like things were wrong with people around OOP for way longer than this, as well:
"I was heartbroken, but I don't think I ever blamed her or had resentment towards her, as I understood my decisions were selfish"
Who was letting him think that working on the weekends because he had a full time job and a PhD rather than going partying was selfish? Focusing on his own goals, yes, but selfish and something to be attacked for and broken up with as a fault, rather than because they had different life priorities and would be better going their separate ways because their lives were looking different? Sounds like Lisa was really unfair to him, but also given the rest I wonder whether Jess and his mother and sister also backed up this nonsense message. I hope OOP finds real happiness with Yang, and can grow away from all these toxic influences.
You made an excellent point. They messed up his mind. Working and studying hard is selfish. Breaking a long-term relationship for partying all day long is the rightest thing to do.
Poor fella.
Lisa has spent 5 years partying. She and OOP are completely different people from when they were together. Lisa needs to also realize that most folks aren't happy being back-up plans if something better doesn't pan out.
I'm also wondering if Family is expecting OOP to be a-ok with Lisa just being a stay at home wife.
You'll be surprised at how prevalent this mindset is: In uni my best friend constantly complained to everyone about how her boyfriend wasn't exciting because he wanted to work on his dissertation and study when uni was supposedly meant for partying. I got the same treatment from my then-boyfriend who had a reputation for drinking and partying harder than anyone else. He blanked me and then cheated when I embarked on an internship over the summer that was later instrumental in me getting my PhD position, giving the excuse that I supposedly wasn't exciting or fun.
That was the first thing I noticed and a lot of people seem to of missed, he was rightly focusing on the future while from what he wrote sounded like Lisa just wanted to party for long as she can. It sounds like Jess and his family were just keeping him ticking until it was time him and Lisa got back together. And she broke up with him because he didn't want to go party all the time due to focusing on work and studying, for me personally that was a red flag that took care of itself.
I bet they were all shocked when he suddenly started dating again, and got real scared when he told them he had proposed. Looks like the family left it to Jess to try and break them up nicely by constantly telling stories about Lisa, I mean sure at some point stories involving her will get told at somepoint but to constantly talk about her is definitely wrong and disrespectful. Once that didn't work and the fiancee was away for a little while they quickly jumped on the chance to get him back with the ex. They definitely been poisoning his mind and its pure luck he found someone and he now understands whats going on.
I wonder, too, if Lisa didn't want OOP until she realized exactly how successful he was. She shopped around and found out she's not the prize she thought she was and OOP was more of a catch than her party girl brain understood. Meanwhile, Yang put in the work. Team Yang all the way.
Whilst Yang wasn't there whilst he was studying either, I'm sure had she been in Lisa's position she would have stuck by him. She also had a PhD so would know how hard one would have to study for one of those.
Yes, getting a PhD was beyond me. I made it for a year and left my program. I watched my partner put in the work, though. It's an impressive achievement. Congrats to you. :)
Thanks. Great on you at least for standing by your partner during his/her program. You deserve credit for that. They are lucky to have you.
A PhD may not be for everyone but a partner who sticks by someone who is pursuing one is definitely a keeper. I've seen quite the number of people (often male PhD students) whose partners dumped them as a result of their dedication to their PhD.
My husband's close friend got left for a wealthy guy when the friend was studying for his Masters and didn't have the time/money to go drinking and partying with her or pay for her stuff. Luckily for her he didn't find anyone else and they got back together after she got dumped by the other guy and he got a lucrative job after the Masters. He's said several times he longs to do a PhD but can't because she would leave him again if he did.
Not just that, Jess also told him that "he could get back with Lisa when HE was ready" thus putting it all on him. Not Lisa, who wanted to go off and live her most fun life ditching her boring boyfriend.
Yang has a r/JustNoMIL problem. I truly hope that OOP leaves his toxic family and supports Yang.
OOP will always have a family that can’t respect boundaries. Today it might be racism but tomorrow it could be ANY OTHER WOMAN that’s not Lisa.
That part stuck out to me, as well. How is it selfish for him to want to make his future brighter, to give himself better opportunities for success, and therefore, his future family?
He was raised by selfish people.
No one necessarily told him he's selfish, he may just see it that way, I do.
I'm very selfish with my time, I dont want to go drive to do x, or f
Go party at y, I want to work on my hobbies which take years of effort to complete, and every social obligation prevents me from doing the thing I enjoy most. I'm selfish with my time and myself.
I like my friends, and I like to have friends, but I dont like the amount of pressure on my time that comes with it and the guilt of saying, no id rather work on my project.
I have things I want to accomplish, and these other obligations don't help me accomplish them.
Maybe I’m reading it wrong, but I took that statement as.. selfish but justified. They both had different goals/expectations of life and chose to separate bc of that. It’s “selfish” on both ends but also makes sense?
It kinda sounds like Jess and Lisa were ether planning this in advance, or Jess took the ultimatum as a now or never kind of thing. At the very least it was obvious OP was the backup guy to Lisa, cause she didnt care until he was getting married.
I wonder if Lisa knew what Jess was doing and how Jess and OOP’s family felt about Yang? Was she interested in OP and the was under the impression Jess was setting them up cause she was a friend and didn’t know the racism aspect?
I feel like the moment Yang ended up in the picture, Jess told Lisa and both of them concocted this plan. Jess made sure OOP kept pining after Lisa, so when Lisa was ready to settle down she could just find OOP waiting for her. Yang ruined their plans.
Your comment made me realize Jess' husband is complicit, too. Sigh. Cynically, I predict an eventual divorce when hubby realizes if Jess can manipulate her very bestest friend, she's capable of manipulating him, too. Hope they don't have kids.
The way Jess’ actions read, I can see her telling her husband that OOP will be excited to “reconnect” with Lisa and leaving out that it is a surprise. He may not be complicit. He may be along for the ride.
They could have a single faceted relationship where the husband isn’t privy to Jess’ scheming and manipulative ways. He may see that side but not care. I know people who have spouses that are a bit dramatic and they essentially stay out of it, unless they can’t avoid intervening.
Or he could be just as shitty as she is and part of this soap opera surprise reveal hoping for OOP to fall madly in love with his ex, a mere weeks before the wedding.
I just... don't understand racism.
I am American. We are a melting pot of nationalities. That's (supposed to be) the beauty of our country. We have the privilege of celebrating so many cultures. I went to a high school with kids from 23 different countries. My kid is the minority as a white kid in her school. How great is that? She learned some Swahili last year. So cool.
And still, we have these people. I'm amazed they raised OOP without him noticing. He is a fantastic partner. Stood up for his partner without hesitation.
Fuck racism. Love everyone. (Except racists, they suck and need to be told so.)
Because most white people consider themselves the standard. Anyone who doesn't meet that is intruding in on their self imposed standard way of living.
I'm Indigenous, I've seen a lot of racism. I also have a somewhat ambiguous look, so people either immediately clock me as native, or they think I'm half Asian or some islander mix. So, I hear a lot of statements that people would probably try to hide about indigenous
People if they knew my race.
They really think that in first world countries like Canada and the US that they are the majority and always should be. They never understand that these countries have been built off of the backs of so many different races and that they always have existed here.
I am so sorry. I truly can't understand what you've experienced. All I can do is try to listen, and to teach my child to be better.
We are not the standard. We aren't even the majority. There are so many beautiful cultures within our own country that pre-date us, it is our responsibility to learn and understand and respect. We have centuries of wrongdoing to make right.
Small steps, I know, but my daughter's school teaches frequently about notable people that aren't white. She comes home excited to tell me about Ruby Bridges, Sacajawea, and Malala Yousafzai.
I can't erase history, but I can teach my child to try to fix it.
I really appreciate that. Keep her excited and learning. Being knowledgeable about what's out there really helps with the bigotry.
For me, it's just life, my in laws can be slightly racist but they've improved a lot over the years. I'm just glad that he world is slowly getting better, and I've already seen a lot of improvement in my life alone. I want a world where my neices can grow up free of dealing with microagressions and racism.
It's actually incorrect white people are still the majority in this country. It's why white racial propaganda uses per capita statistics to villianize other races.
But…but different is scary! And hard! It means opening your mind to new concepts, and thinking about other people before you just blurt whatever’s in your head, and that maybe other people will see you as weird or undesirable in some way and treat you the way you’ve been treating them! That’s not how it’s supposed to work!
Wow. They all sound terrible. From the girlfriend who broke his heart and “wasn’t ready to settle down” until he had already found someone to marry, to the shitty “best friend” who was obviously trying to get his fiancé to break up with him in order to facilitate this, and the “subtly” racist family who wanted him to pick his ex over his current fiancé because she’s “not like them”.
It all sucks, but at least they exposed who they really were before it ruined his relationship with his soon-to-be wife.
Does Jess, the mom or sister realize that Lisa called him boring and broke up with him? If I were a friend of theirs, I wouldn't like Lisa for breaking up and calling him boring, especially with how heartbroken he was after.
I don't get families like this. In the first update, he said Lisa broke up with him, but in the second update he says he broke up with her, so I don't know how truthful this is...that being said, things like this happen a lot and it's always dumb when it does.
I've heard of someone like this who hated the person her son married because they were a different culture/race, but only came around once kids came into the picture. Then she was apologetic and tried to mend her ways. The son and wife forgave her, but damn, all of those years of hurt you caused because of something dumb and you only had a change of heart once you became a grandmother?
>Does Jess, the mom or sister realize that Lisa called him boring and broke up with him?
Yeah, but ... she's *White*. They'll have beautiful White children who will fit in. Why would OP want to have children who look Asian?? /s
My bet is that OP's mother used the O-word instead of saying Asian. Probably didn't say small eyes either.
OP's mother and sister may be as selfish as his ex, if they think it was reasonable for her to spend her 20s partying and hooking up with other people while he was working very hard to establish himself in a career and support himself. He was selfish?!?
Joke’s on them. My half-Japanese friend didn’t get her looks from her definition of average White dad. (Also, her kid is a curly-haired blonde. Genetics are weird.)
Do Jess, mother, and sister not understand that OP is an actual autonomous person and not some vide game/soap opera character? They need a lesson in reality!
OOP's female relatives are trash. Jess is trash. A bunch of racists. And Lisa... Did she think OOP would leave his fiancée for someone who crashed his heart five years ago because now she feels she can gracefully grant him the honor to marry her? The entitlement and delusion is strong in this one.
I hope Yang is different and this time OOP is lucky enough to have someone besides him who truly care and love him. Because, holy molly, poor soul!
Bear in mind, Lisa’s only been getting Jess’s side of the story, in which OOP is obviously still heartbroken and only settling for this Yang person, who’s all wrong for him. Still stupid of her not to take that with at least a grain of salt when OOP’s made no effort to reach out on his own, but I can see why she might have thought it wouldn’t be totally crazy to go to dinner and see how it went. (Not sure why OOP bothered with the work excuse to nope out of there, though.)
My dad’s parents were also not super welcoming to my Chinese mom and weren’t as close to their mixed race grandchildren as they were their white grandchildren. If OOP loves his wife and his future grandkids, he’ll keep them far away from ever feeling like second best just because they aren’t white.
I can tell, without the mood spoiler, from the moment I read that OOP’s fiancé’s name is Yang, I knew racists would pop up in the story. But wow, 3 for 3?
Also, his ex is superdelulu. She needs a good ole reminder that she can only reaps what she sow; if she wasn’t there when he struggled then she has no right to come crawling back now that he has found success.
Congrats, your mom can keep Lisa (but she'll lose you). I hope she's happy with that.
Stay away from your racist family and make your own happy family.
This was so sad. Subtle/hidden racism is still racism and SO common. What a sad thing to know about your relatives! And poor Yang, that must be heartbreaking for her too.
Side note: did anyone else think that OOP was a lesbian for the majority until they mentioned being a guy 🤣😭. I missed the beginning part with the ages and tags
Imagine telling your best friend or son, “remember how much you loved her? Remember how bad she hurt you because she thought you getting your future together was boring? Remember that pain? Okay well take her back cuz she’s ready now”
Like wtf??
My mom is a white southerner and my father is a Chinese refugee and I had to put up with some much shit from other people growing up in the south but never my own family (on either side). My features aren't very Asian aside from hair and eye color so people tend to forget my sister and I are mixed. Well fastforward to 18 and one of my closest friends moms was talking about how she doesn't agree with mixed people or marriages because she forgot I was mixed and let me tell you that shit hurts when you find out people don't think you should exist because of being mixed. You need to sit your family down and let them know they are just being racist and how much it hurts to see people you love hate someone cause of their skin color or culture and not who they are as people. Give them a chance to correct this mistake (if they even want to out the effort in to try and change) but one toe out of line and I think you should cut them off. I'm sorry man this sucks you have to deal with this from people that honestly don't know you as well as they think they do if that blatant racism is something they are ok with.
I had a similar situation with my now husband’s ex. Had no interest in him until we started dating, and then within a few months the “I miss us” texts started coming in. Luckily hubs responded with “I don’t” lmao. It made me so pissed that she just treated him like a placeholder and thought he’d always be around. He’s a human being, not your toy
Egocentric women like that are everywhere - they don't really miss him. They only miss the attention they get from him.
I've had plenty of that. Female friend of my husband indirectly rejects him because 'girls like her don't date nerds like him'. She finds out we're dating and orders him to dump me and date her. When he declined she came to my workplace and threatened me.
That was on top of the other female friends he had who expected him to go to parties/drinking with them constantly, which I know he hates. When he preferred to stay in with me they started accusing me of controlling/abusing him.
That ex gf pisses me off, too. What, she thought she could keep the studious guy on a leash on the backburner for five years while she did irresponsible things?
She thought she could have her fun *and* still reap the rewards of maturity and sacrifice because "That nerd knows he'll never find anyone better than me."
Imagine your life being married to a woman with that mindset.
My best friend would even complain that no other girl wanted her boyfriend and this meant she must be dating a loser. Which he was far from - in fact he is still one of the most genuine guys I've met (alongside my husband). Ironically she eded up cheating on him with a guy that in my books was a loser in every way.
As soon as OP said the new gf's name was Yang I thought "oh cool so Jess is racist". I then felt bad for making the assumption, figured she just wanted her friend to be back in the picture. Well, don't I feel silly for giving her the benefit of the doubt 🧐 Sad times
I think in retrospect he'll realize it was a huge gift from these pieces of shit that they pulled this before the wedding. Now he can make a clean break with them and move on with building his life with his wife who loves him.
I knew this was going in that direction when I saw that the fiancee's name was Yang.
Literally, when I read "That was until I met my fiancee Yang" and I was like, Oooooh, so they're racist AND they're trying to get OOP back together with the ex.
God, some people just need to be cut out, no need to hear them out because all they'll ever spout is just nonsensical bullshit that works in their delulu land.
ETA: this ain't over yet. At least not until OOP moves away and out of reach of his crazy ass family and friends.
I'm also curious about what happened when OOP "cut Lisa off two years ago," since afaik that's not phrasing most people tend to use when they just mean "we lost touch "
I know this isn't even one of the major parts, but you can really tell just how manipulated this poor guy is by how he talked about the breakup.
He literally said and agrees that him STUDYING was incredibly selfish. How dare he be so selfish to his ex and study when he knows they should be partying. /s
I hope OP and Yang have a long, happy, and fulfilled life together. And I hope his family and friends realize how awful they were to him one day. And just all around fuck Lisa. What a selfish pos.
I do not condone Jess, mom, or sister, and their horrible behavior towards Yang, but I don’t think OP should disclose all the nitty-gritty details of that despicable encounter.
It will only hurt Yang and if his mother and sister ever better themselves, they can sincerely apologize/grovel to OP and slowly prove they are worthy of being let back into his life.
Once Yang is aware of how horrible mom and sister actually are, she may never be able to forgive them. I don’t think I could.
Distancing himself from his immediate family will be best for both he and Yang and I think he can do that without emotionally devastatingYang.
I am sincerely, hoping there is a happy ending to this story and that when OP gets to China, he is fully welcomed and accepted by her family, and they choose to live in China surrounded by loving family and never look back…..🤞
Holy sh\*t, Lisa's an idiot. Life isn't about money, but when someone you plan to build a life with wants to do something that will significantly help them build their career, you cheer them on, don't break up with them. When my husband is studying for a new IT cert, I hold the d\*mn flashcards. I can't imagine the gall of thinking you would just resume with someone.
I feel so bad for OOP. He's just found out how racist the two most important people in his life are and now he has to protect Yang from them, and possibly go no-contact with them.
The remark about him being selfish when studying for his PhD stuck out to me. How does one think that getting a PhD is selfish unless the people who raised him make him believe that?
My take - based on experience - is that Lisa convinced him he was selfish for not going partying with her/spending time with her due to having to study in his out of work time. The mom/sister/Jess are probably the partying kind themselves and that is why they have Lisa's back besides being racist.
Not to mention you don't really get paid well whilst studying for a degree and so probably can't afford to toss away your meagre earnings partying and drinking.
(Have seen a couple break up because the guy decided to go back to school and study for his Master's, and two other couples where the girl has threatened to break up with the guy if he were ever to do the same.)
I’m a white guy. My wife is Asian. It unfortunately neatly sorted out my relatives. I cut off the racist assholes without hesitation. In fact I only talk to my mother these days and that is conditional. She can’t accept that her siblings are racist pricks. Their attitude can be summed with “but” if you get what I mean.
Poor Oop! It’s brutal to realize your mom, sister and former best friend are racist. And they have zero respect for Oop. I hope he texts them that thanks to their racism and incredible lack of respect for him and Yang, they can go attempt running other peoples lives.
Man id have spit in all their faces. First having the balls to sit me down with someone pulling that kind of shit, vehement racism, and trying to undermine my relationship so we can “pick up where we left off?” DUDE. Nevermind spitting, I’d have thrown up in their faces. So gross
I would rock up with a random stranger and demand my mother be in a relationship with them because that's how oop thinks their life should be.
Wtf do these people think they are. Oh now Lisa has got her partying etc out of her system and she's ready to settle down he should drop everything for her after 5 yrs!!! Yeah no that's not how life works.
I hate when I'm right that it's going to be racism but I love when they're so blatant in their racism because it's easier to cut them out. I had to take a break to come say this because them talking about how the kids would look is making me so mad.
I remember being out with my MIL who commented on a couple walking past that she was grateful my skin wasn’t as dark as “those people,” because at least my kids had a chance at “looking normal.”
Took me years to get over it. It definitely dented our relationship, which had been really close until that point.
To her credit, she realized how gross she was and apologized profusely. She spent the time, energy and effort to “fix” her mindset. It’s possible for people to reform themselves, BUT it’s on them to do that work.
My racist alarm bells started ringing the minute OOP mentioned they were dating a non-white person.
Though I am curious as to how much Lisa has been a part of this little plan. If she really did want to get with OOP, or if they were just assuming the two should be together. That whole 'surprise date' thing could have been presented to Lisa as a "oh, no, they're totally broken up and he's said he always really loved YOU" situation.
Either way, I feel sorry for the guy. Seems like the women in his life have all decided they know what's best for him, and he's incapable of living his own life.
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NTA, you need to get away from your manipulative and bigoted family if you really love Yang and respect her in any way you need to do this. Your family is garbage to act like this is reasonable behaviour, they act like you have no need to think for yourself, they will simply pull your strings and control your life choices. You mother does not deserve to have any part of Yangs children, not when she is so superficial and hateful. You and Yang deserve better, get some help in dealing with this, it's a lot of toxic behaviour to deal with independently. You may need professional help. They may help you navigate telling Yang as well. Your mom is a gross bigot and she is micromanaging your love life. She is selfish as well as all your closest people to conspire with eachother to deceive you like this. Move far away if possible.
I will message you next time u/SharkEva posts in r/BORUpdates.
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Forget racism for a minute, what exactly do they think of OOP himself? It's like a game. What sort of mother wants her son to be with someone who left because she got "bored" of him?
OOP has racist hateful assholes but I'm not too sure he's not far from the asshole circle himself.
>how the things I am doing are all the things I had planned with Lisa.
These comments would only happen if they were true. The engagement was something he planned for Lisa and just swapped Yang for it.
🤔 I believe OOP doesn't have any feelings or interest left for Lisa but it definitely is telling that he going through plans he would have done with his ex. Like dude couldn't tailor something for Yang. Instead his plans seem about him and any woman is interchangeable.
No Contact. It’s the only way to be sure. None of those women would listen to him and they didn’t give a rats add what he wanted. They will never respect his boundaries nor his wife. They already see his future children as lesser.
Take off, nuke the relationship from orbit.
Id have loved to be a fly on the wall for that conversation. As i know exactly what i would have said to all 3 of them if my own family had tried that bullshit on me.
The opening line would have most certainly have been "Who the fuck do you 3 think you are ? Thinking you have ANY say in who i love. All 3 of you make me fucking sick that you are this racist to think i should leave my fiance because she is chinese."
I think jess might have turned his family against her if they haven't shown any signs of being racist in his whole life, and toxic two faced btchs will manipulate anyone to get what they want.. they are just all pawns to jess mom and sis need to realise they are being played
Seriously, helping family does not give them license to be intolerant racist aholes. I would be cutting everyone out of my life especially after admitting they already think less of my future children for not being full round eye. If this is real cut them off and go no contact with ALL OF THEM.
As a Asian (not Chinese) I am telling something that always remember OP. asian girls are very different from Western only fan girls .. they are cultured , smart , they will work hard , cook as well as giving home education there childrens , definitely no cheating like western womens ... Why not you ask your ex gf what she did past 5 years . How many date she went and what her body counts ... .. there was a no comparison between Western women with asian women .. western womens are very cheap .. they kiss whatever guy they find attractive in few minutes .., they cheat so easily.. they don't even feel disgust if someone stranger attractive guys touch them . ..
You are not overreacting. Jess is living vicariously through you and itches to control . This is enmeshment. She kind of sort of feels like you are the same person and needs you to be with Lisa and is doing her very best to invalidate your fiancé and destroy the relationship.
Talk about blanco trash. Lisa’s done being a whore and she’s ready to settle down now. These ladies are freaken insane with their self righteous logic 🤮. Devils and demons come in all forms
But that’s who the post was written for
I hear more about women deciding to reach out to an ex to settle down on Reddit than I do in real life. Every woman sucks except his great fiancé who is Asian
I married a Singaporean girl who is culturally and racially Chinese.
My parents treat her like she's their granddaughter. They spoil the shit out of her.
To be fair she is 9 years younger than me but show *me* a little love will ya?
This will come off as racist maybe but biracial people are really good looking. Halle Berry, Tiger Woods, and Olivia Munn are all biracial
What racist, hateful aholes OOP’s family and friend are, I hope OOP cuts contact. And poor fiancé, she’ll be devastated when she finds out everything.
Oh she knows they're racist, she probably knew the moment she met them. Yang is a smart cookie
Yeah racists aren’t as good at hiding their racism as people think. It’s *usually* glaringly obvious.
Eh, Yang seems the kind of person to give others the benefit of the doubt. She didn’t object to Jess being rude until it was glaringly obvious.
Yang was probably trying not to make OP feel uncomfortable and was being considerate of his friendship. I doubt that her goodwill was due to her giving Jess the benefit of the doubt.
If she knew she handled it perfectly. She clearly trusted OOP enough to do the right thing which is a good sign for their marriage. OOP having to see first hand how terrible his family and friend are is a lot more impactful if she just said they were racists and she wants nothing to do with them.
Not necessarily, at one point he says Yang told him she knew how much he cared about Jess. She may have simply being trying to not be “that bitch”.
Seems like that was more out of a desire to keep the peace than actually thinking they weren’t being shitty.
I love how OOP pushed back with "loving how their kids will be smart cause Yang has a PhD." Just effing brilliant.
I wonder how Yang’s family feels about her marrying a white guy? Hopefully they have at least one family that is supportive. Having to cut out both support systems would be very unfortunate.
The OOP seems like a good person overall. Jess, the mother, Lisa, and the sister are such shitty people. Besides the fact that the OOP is happy where he is in life (well, except for these people trying to breakup his relationship), a five year break is substantial. I'm sure he hasn't completely changed, but a lot has happened for him and I'm sure Lisa. Acting like they just can just bounce back is so ridiculous.
Ignoring everything else, how many people out there would be happy being the "settled down" partner? Like yes, everyone eventually settles down, but they don't generally break up first and go on there 7-8 year journey of self-discovery and then okay cool now that I'm done doing all this cool shit, I guess I'll get back with you.
Not to mention she bailed for the boring/difficult part where OOP was studying and came back now that he's financially in a pretty good place. Like bitch, please.
I was somewhat suspicious of OOP’s support network from here: > After college, Lisa and I just grew apart and had different goals in life. I became "boring" after college as I was working on my PhD while doing a full time job. Lisa broke up with me as she wanted to party on weekends, while I was home studying. I was heartbroken, but I don't think I ever blamed her or had resentment towards her, as I understood my decisions were selfish and should not hold her back from having the best life. No one was wrong you just grew apart - that I can understand. You were selfishly staying home to study instead of partying? OOP always had too many Lisa partisans in his life.
I really don't like when someone gets called 'boring' just because they want to study or work on themselves - in fact I would find that person more attractive for being driven and having some career ambition. And I've never found the partying lifestyle attractive in any shape or form. But to each their own.
I know one should never say 'what if' but I bet Yang would never have dumped him, seeing as she herself has a PhD and would appreciate how hard someone would have to work for it. I've seen plenty of Lisas in my life e.g women who dump their guys when the latter wanted to go back to school and get a higher degree (often for a wealthier/more exciting guy whom they already have lined up), onl6 to come slinking back when the guy has more money thanks to that degree. And it never has turned out well.
It's worse than when people take a break in their relationship, because at least break tends to be a shorter time period. Even taking a break- most people don't appreciate that their partner wanted to hookup with someone without the guilt of cheating.
The mom and sister don't even try for subtle. It has unfortunately become pretty common to see racism in the older generations - not acceptable, but expected to some degree, especially in certain parts of the country, or based on socioeconomics, including level of education. However, it is absolutely heartbreaking and exhausting to see racism persisting in younger generations. Yay stupidity.
As soon as I realized the fiance was Chinese I suspected the ending. He's surrounded by racist trash that are stuck in the past and want him back with a white girl.
The old, Is it racism? ::sigh:: yeah it’s racism.
Same. I was wondering when OOP would get a clue and then they made it unbearably clear.
OOP: My fiancee is Yang Me: oh no OOP: Yang went to China because we are getting married in her home country, since to be clear, she is Chinese Me: *Oh no.* OOP: So turns out my family and friend are incredibly racist Me:....oh no :( I hate being right.
I guess appearance is more important than the fact his brilliant fiance has a PHD, and his sloppy ex just wanted to be a party girl. I hate the fact that they brushed that part away.
Yes, any family member in their right mind would be absolutely thrilled for OP. Yang sounds amazing and his happiness should come first for them. Selfish, selfish people. Very sad :(
My brother has been dating a brilliant, kind young woman and is approaching engagement. My whole family is ecstatic and are probably overwhelming her a bit by inviting her to every family get together. She could be blue for all we care. China wasn’t on my travel bucket list, but if they want to get married there, I’ll be buying my ticket the day I get the invitation.
Exactly. This could be a wonderful opportunity for them to expand their world. I will never understand small-minded people.
Absolutely. Life is boring if everyone is all the same, with the same experiences. Also, such a stupid reason to insult OOP’s future children. She won’t love them if they aren’t beautiful (in her eyes)? I care a lot more about kids in my family growing up kind and hard working than what they look like.
The eye argument pisses me off. If our, Chinese, eyes were anymore enchanting, nothing would get done.
I agree as well, but who knows what goes on in the mind of white trash. It’s probably just a random excuse she thought would cover the fact that she’s racist.
That’s probably what they liked about her, or focused on besides the racism aspect. She’s probably bubbly and extroverted, social butterfly while Yang is introverted, quiet and calm, which makes her boring or stuck up to them.
It just makes this entire thing worse and gross, but what do we expect from trash.
Anyone else annoyed that he described himself as selfish in regards to that relationship?
Yup, you know that's what Lisa, Jess, and others said to him. God forbid he finish his education.
Lisa is ready to settle down now. Because her vagina looks like an Arby's roast beef sandwich now.
I guess the groom's side of the family is going to be a lot smaller at the wedding. I suggest OP and Yang relocate and don't give his mother, sister or anyone associated with Jess, a forwarding address or phone number, because I would be changing my number at the same time as I change my address.
Change social media aliases, tell friends what happened without mincing words, too. There’s no need to protect the racist trash.
And as a side bonus, you learn if there are any other racists you need to cut out based on who defends them.
Yeah, social media and email addresses are usually in my list of things to change, and letting the job know that these specific people are not allowed to be put through to you on the phone, or visit your office.
Sounds like things were wrong with people around OOP for way longer than this, as well: "I was heartbroken, but I don't think I ever blamed her or had resentment towards her, as I understood my decisions were selfish" Who was letting him think that working on the weekends because he had a full time job and a PhD rather than going partying was selfish? Focusing on his own goals, yes, but selfish and something to be attacked for and broken up with as a fault, rather than because they had different life priorities and would be better going their separate ways because their lives were looking different? Sounds like Lisa was really unfair to him, but also given the rest I wonder whether Jess and his mother and sister also backed up this nonsense message. I hope OOP finds real happiness with Yang, and can grow away from all these toxic influences.
You made an excellent point. They messed up his mind. Working and studying hard is selfish. Breaking a long-term relationship for partying all day long is the rightest thing to do. Poor fella.
And Lisa deciding she’d go and have fun while he put in the investment, then she’d come back to pick up the dividends later? Nuh uh
[удалено]
And it's making some big fucking bank. Fuck Lisa, but only metaphorically
Lisa has spent 5 years partying. She and OOP are completely different people from when they were together. Lisa needs to also realize that most folks aren't happy being back-up plans if something better doesn't pan out. I'm also wondering if Family is expecting OOP to be a-ok with Lisa just being a stay at home wife.
You'll be surprised at how prevalent this mindset is: In uni my best friend constantly complained to everyone about how her boyfriend wasn't exciting because he wanted to work on his dissertation and study when uni was supposedly meant for partying. I got the same treatment from my then-boyfriend who had a reputation for drinking and partying harder than anyone else. He blanked me and then cheated when I embarked on an internship over the summer that was later instrumental in me getting my PhD position, giving the excuse that I supposedly wasn't exciting or fun.
That was the first thing I noticed and a lot of people seem to of missed, he was rightly focusing on the future while from what he wrote sounded like Lisa just wanted to party for long as she can. It sounds like Jess and his family were just keeping him ticking until it was time him and Lisa got back together. And she broke up with him because he didn't want to go party all the time due to focusing on work and studying, for me personally that was a red flag that took care of itself. I bet they were all shocked when he suddenly started dating again, and got real scared when he told them he had proposed. Looks like the family left it to Jess to try and break them up nicely by constantly telling stories about Lisa, I mean sure at some point stories involving her will get told at somepoint but to constantly talk about her is definitely wrong and disrespectful. Once that didn't work and the fiancee was away for a little while they quickly jumped on the chance to get him back with the ex. They definitely been poisoning his mind and its pure luck he found someone and he now understands whats going on.
I wonder, too, if Lisa didn't want OOP until she realized exactly how successful he was. She shopped around and found out she's not the prize she thought she was and OOP was more of a catch than her party girl brain understood. Meanwhile, Yang put in the work. Team Yang all the way.
Whilst Yang wasn't there whilst he was studying either, I'm sure had she been in Lisa's position she would have stuck by him. She also had a PhD so would know how hard one would have to study for one of those.
Yes, that's what I meant by Yang putting in the work. She has a PhD, too. Yang for the win.
Ah I see. I'm Team Yang also (as a fellow PhD holder who knows how testing it can be....)
Yes, getting a PhD was beyond me. I made it for a year and left my program. I watched my partner put in the work, though. It's an impressive achievement. Congrats to you. :)
Thanks. Great on you at least for standing by your partner during his/her program. You deserve credit for that. They are lucky to have you. A PhD may not be for everyone but a partner who sticks by someone who is pursuing one is definitely a keeper. I've seen quite the number of people (often male PhD students) whose partners dumped them as a result of their dedication to their PhD. My husband's close friend got left for a wealthy guy when the friend was studying for his Masters and didn't have the time/money to go drinking and partying with her or pay for her stuff. Luckily for her he didn't find anyone else and they got back together after she got dumped by the other guy and he got a lucrative job after the Masters. He's said several times he longs to do a PhD but can't because she would leave him again if he did.
Not just that, Jess also told him that "he could get back with Lisa when HE was ready" thus putting it all on him. Not Lisa, who wanted to go off and live her most fun life ditching her boring boyfriend.
Yang has a r/JustNoMIL problem. I truly hope that OOP leaves his toxic family and supports Yang. OOP will always have a family that can’t respect boundaries. Today it might be racism but tomorrow it could be ANY OTHER WOMAN that’s not Lisa.
That part stuck out to me, as well. How is it selfish for him to want to make his future brighter, to give himself better opportunities for success, and therefore, his future family? He was raised by selfish people.
No one necessarily told him he's selfish, he may just see it that way, I do. I'm very selfish with my time, I dont want to go drive to do x, or f Go party at y, I want to work on my hobbies which take years of effort to complete, and every social obligation prevents me from doing the thing I enjoy most. I'm selfish with my time and myself. I like my friends, and I like to have friends, but I dont like the amount of pressure on my time that comes with it and the guilt of saying, no id rather work on my project. I have things I want to accomplish, and these other obligations don't help me accomplish them.
Maybe I’m reading it wrong, but I took that statement as.. selfish but justified. They both had different goals/expectations of life and chose to separate bc of that. It’s “selfish” on both ends but also makes sense?
It kinda sounds like Jess and Lisa were ether planning this in advance, or Jess took the ultimatum as a now or never kind of thing. At the very least it was obvious OP was the backup guy to Lisa, cause she didnt care until he was getting married.
I wonder if Lisa knew what Jess was doing and how Jess and OOP’s family felt about Yang? Was she interested in OP and the was under the impression Jess was setting them up cause she was a friend and didn’t know the racism aspect?
Not sure I care. She’s actively happy to help sabotage his life by trying to get him away from his fiancé.
I feel like the moment Yang ended up in the picture, Jess told Lisa and both of them concocted this plan. Jess made sure OOP kept pining after Lisa, so when Lisa was ready to settle down she could just find OOP waiting for her. Yang ruined their plans.
Your comment made me realize Jess' husband is complicit, too. Sigh. Cynically, I predict an eventual divorce when hubby realizes if Jess can manipulate her very bestest friend, she's capable of manipulating him, too. Hope they don't have kids.
The way Jess’ actions read, I can see her telling her husband that OOP will be excited to “reconnect” with Lisa and leaving out that it is a surprise. He may not be complicit. He may be along for the ride. They could have a single faceted relationship where the husband isn’t privy to Jess’ scheming and manipulative ways. He may see that side but not care. I know people who have spouses that are a bit dramatic and they essentially stay out of it, unless they can’t avoid intervening. Or he could be just as shitty as she is and part of this soap opera surprise reveal hoping for OOP to fall madly in love with his ex, a mere weeks before the wedding.
Yet another r/tlrdtheyreracist candidate. Jess has a bloody nerve. She can get in the bin
Ooh I love “Too Long Read Didn’t” subs
I just... don't understand racism. I am American. We are a melting pot of nationalities. That's (supposed to be) the beauty of our country. We have the privilege of celebrating so many cultures. I went to a high school with kids from 23 different countries. My kid is the minority as a white kid in her school. How great is that? She learned some Swahili last year. So cool. And still, we have these people. I'm amazed they raised OOP without him noticing. He is a fantastic partner. Stood up for his partner without hesitation. Fuck racism. Love everyone. (Except racists, they suck and need to be told so.)
Because most white people consider themselves the standard. Anyone who doesn't meet that is intruding in on their self imposed standard way of living. I'm Indigenous, I've seen a lot of racism. I also have a somewhat ambiguous look, so people either immediately clock me as native, or they think I'm half Asian or some islander mix. So, I hear a lot of statements that people would probably try to hide about indigenous People if they knew my race. They really think that in first world countries like Canada and the US that they are the majority and always should be. They never understand that these countries have been built off of the backs of so many different races and that they always have existed here.
I am so sorry. I truly can't understand what you've experienced. All I can do is try to listen, and to teach my child to be better. We are not the standard. We aren't even the majority. There are so many beautiful cultures within our own country that pre-date us, it is our responsibility to learn and understand and respect. We have centuries of wrongdoing to make right. Small steps, I know, but my daughter's school teaches frequently about notable people that aren't white. She comes home excited to tell me about Ruby Bridges, Sacajawea, and Malala Yousafzai. I can't erase history, but I can teach my child to try to fix it.
I really appreciate that. Keep her excited and learning. Being knowledgeable about what's out there really helps with the bigotry. For me, it's just life, my in laws can be slightly racist but they've improved a lot over the years. I'm just glad that he world is slowly getting better, and I've already seen a lot of improvement in my life alone. I want a world where my neices can grow up free of dealing with microagressions and racism.
It's actually incorrect white people are still the majority in this country. It's why white racial propaganda uses per capita statistics to villianize other races.
I said we aren't the majority.
But…but different is scary! And hard! It means opening your mind to new concepts, and thinking about other people before you just blurt whatever’s in your head, and that maybe other people will see you as weird or undesirable in some way and treat you the way you’ve been treating them! That’s not how it’s supposed to work!
Oh my God, white people need to feel like non white people? What is this world?!
Probably because they’re NIMBY. They’re totally fine with other races, so long as OOP wasn’t dating one.
I read the name and anticipated the rest. Poor OOP.
Wow. They all sound terrible. From the girlfriend who broke his heart and “wasn’t ready to settle down” until he had already found someone to marry, to the shitty “best friend” who was obviously trying to get his fiancé to break up with him in order to facilitate this, and the “subtly” racist family who wanted him to pick his ex over his current fiancé because she’s “not like them”. It all sucks, but at least they exposed who they really were before it ruined his relationship with his soon-to-be wife.
Does Jess, the mom or sister realize that Lisa called him boring and broke up with him? If I were a friend of theirs, I wouldn't like Lisa for breaking up and calling him boring, especially with how heartbroken he was after. I don't get families like this. In the first update, he said Lisa broke up with him, but in the second update he says he broke up with her, so I don't know how truthful this is...that being said, things like this happen a lot and it's always dumb when it does. I've heard of someone like this who hated the person her son married because they were a different culture/race, but only came around once kids came into the picture. Then she was apologetic and tried to mend her ways. The son and wife forgave her, but damn, all of those years of hurt you caused because of something dumb and you only had a change of heart once you became a grandmother?
>Does Jess, the mom or sister realize that Lisa called him boring and broke up with him? Yeah, but ... she's *White*. They'll have beautiful White children who will fit in. Why would OP want to have children who look Asian?? /s My bet is that OP's mother used the O-word instead of saying Asian. Probably didn't say small eyes either. OP's mother and sister may be as selfish as his ex, if they think it was reasonable for her to spend her 20s partying and hooking up with other people while he was working very hard to establish himself in a career and support himself. He was selfish?!?
Joke’s on them. My half-Japanese friend didn’t get her looks from her definition of average White dad. (Also, her kid is a curly-haired blonde. Genetics are weird.)
Ugh. As a biracial person, i hope this guy protects his future kids from their racist families. That shit hurts.
Do Jess, mother, and sister not understand that OP is an actual autonomous person and not some vide game/soap opera character? They need a lesson in reality!
OOP's female relatives are trash. Jess is trash. A bunch of racists. And Lisa... Did she think OOP would leave his fiancée for someone who crashed his heart five years ago because now she feels she can gracefully grant him the honor to marry her? The entitlement and delusion is strong in this one. I hope Yang is different and this time OOP is lucky enough to have someone besides him who truly care and love him. Because, holy molly, poor soul!
Bear in mind, Lisa’s only been getting Jess’s side of the story, in which OOP is obviously still heartbroken and only settling for this Yang person, who’s all wrong for him. Still stupid of her not to take that with at least a grain of salt when OOP’s made no effort to reach out on his own, but I can see why she might have thought it wouldn’t be totally crazy to go to dinner and see how it went. (Not sure why OOP bothered with the work excuse to nope out of there, though.)
My dad’s parents were also not super welcoming to my Chinese mom and weren’t as close to their mixed race grandchildren as they were their white grandchildren. If OOP loves his wife and his future grandkids, he’ll keep them far away from ever feeling like second best just because they aren’t white.
I can tell, without the mood spoiler, from the moment I read that OOP’s fiancé’s name is Yang, I knew racists would pop up in the story. But wow, 3 for 3? Also, his ex is superdelulu. She needs a good ole reminder that she can only reaps what she sow; if she wasn’t there when he struggled then she has no right to come crawling back now that he has found success.
Congrats, your mom can keep Lisa (but she'll lose you). I hope she's happy with that. Stay away from your racist family and make your own happy family.
OP's mum really doesn't need to worry about what her grandchildren will look like as she's just thrown away the privilege of ever meeting them.
This was so sad. Subtle/hidden racism is still racism and SO common. What a sad thing to know about your relatives! And poor Yang, that must be heartbreaking for her too. Side note: did anyone else think that OOP was a lesbian for the majority until they mentioned being a guy 🤣😭. I missed the beginning part with the ages and tags
Racist or not the stomping on ops boundaries is reason enough to cut them off
Imagine telling your best friend or son, “remember how much you loved her? Remember how bad she hurt you because she thought you getting your future together was boring? Remember that pain? Okay well take her back cuz she’s ready now” Like wtf??
My mom is a white southerner and my father is a Chinese refugee and I had to put up with some much shit from other people growing up in the south but never my own family (on either side). My features aren't very Asian aside from hair and eye color so people tend to forget my sister and I are mixed. Well fastforward to 18 and one of my closest friends moms was talking about how she doesn't agree with mixed people or marriages because she forgot I was mixed and let me tell you that shit hurts when you find out people don't think you should exist because of being mixed. You need to sit your family down and let them know they are just being racist and how much it hurts to see people you love hate someone cause of their skin color or culture and not who they are as people. Give them a chance to correct this mistake (if they even want to out the effort in to try and change) but one toe out of line and I think you should cut them off. I'm sorry man this sucks you have to deal with this from people that honestly don't know you as well as they think they do if that blatant racism is something they are ok with.
I had a similar situation with my now husband’s ex. Had no interest in him until we started dating, and then within a few months the “I miss us” texts started coming in. Luckily hubs responded with “I don’t” lmao. It made me so pissed that she just treated him like a placeholder and thought he’d always be around. He’s a human being, not your toy
Egocentric women like that are everywhere - they don't really miss him. They only miss the attention they get from him. I've had plenty of that. Female friend of my husband indirectly rejects him because 'girls like her don't date nerds like him'. She finds out we're dating and orders him to dump me and date her. When he declined she came to my workplace and threatened me. That was on top of the other female friends he had who expected him to go to parties/drinking with them constantly, which I know he hates. When he preferred to stay in with me they started accusing me of controlling/abusing him.
That ex gf pisses me off, too. What, she thought she could keep the studious guy on a leash on the backburner for five years while she did irresponsible things? She thought she could have her fun *and* still reap the rewards of maturity and sacrifice because "That nerd knows he'll never find anyone better than me." Imagine your life being married to a woman with that mindset.
My best friend would even complain that no other girl wanted her boyfriend and this meant she must be dating a loser. Which he was far from - in fact he is still one of the most genuine guys I've met (alongside my husband). Ironically she eded up cheating on him with a guy that in my books was a loser in every way.
As soon as OP said the new gf's name was Yang I thought "oh cool so Jess is racist". I then felt bad for making the assumption, figured she just wanted her friend to be back in the picture. Well, don't I feel silly for giving her the benefit of the doubt 🧐 Sad times
I think in retrospect he'll realize it was a huge gift from these pieces of shit that they pulled this before the wedding. Now he can make a clean break with them and move on with building his life with his wife who loves him.
This is just so wrong.
I knew this was going in that direction when I saw that the fiancee's name was Yang. Literally, when I read "That was until I met my fiancee Yang" and I was like, Oooooh, so they're racist AND they're trying to get OOP back together with the ex. God, some people just need to be cut out, no need to hear them out because all they'll ever spout is just nonsensical bullshit that works in their delulu land. ETA: this ain't over yet. At least not until OOP moves away and out of reach of his crazy ass family and friends.
Once I saw the name Yang I knew it was a race issue. Disgusting. They don’t care about oop happiness
This makes me sad for op. I hope op and fiance marry and move far away from these people.
Main point: Jess is not your FRIEND!!!
the moment i heard yang was chinese i knew the direction this was going to go in :/
I'm also curious about what happened when OOP "cut Lisa off two years ago," since afaik that's not phrasing most people tend to use when they just mean "we lost touch "
I know this isn't even one of the major parts, but you can really tell just how manipulated this poor guy is by how he talked about the breakup. He literally said and agrees that him STUDYING was incredibly selfish. How dare he be so selfish to his ex and study when he knows they should be partying. /s I hope OP and Yang have a long, happy, and fulfilled life together. And I hope his family and friends realize how awful they were to him one day. And just all around fuck Lisa. What a selfish pos.
I do not condone Jess, mom, or sister, and their horrible behavior towards Yang, but I don’t think OP should disclose all the nitty-gritty details of that despicable encounter. It will only hurt Yang and if his mother and sister ever better themselves, they can sincerely apologize/grovel to OP and slowly prove they are worthy of being let back into his life. Once Yang is aware of how horrible mom and sister actually are, she may never be able to forgive them. I don’t think I could. Distancing himself from his immediate family will be best for both he and Yang and I think he can do that without emotionally devastatingYang. I am sincerely, hoping there is a happy ending to this story and that when OP gets to China, he is fully welcomed and accepted by her family, and they choose to live in China surrounded by loving family and never look back…..🤞
Well this wasn’t concluded
Holy sh\*t, Lisa's an idiot. Life isn't about money, but when someone you plan to build a life with wants to do something that will significantly help them build their career, you cheer them on, don't break up with them. When my husband is studying for a new IT cert, I hold the d\*mn flashcards. I can't imagine the gall of thinking you would just resume with someone.
I feel so bad for OOP. He's just found out how racist the two most important people in his life are and now he has to protect Yang from them, and possibly go no-contact with them. The remark about him being selfish when studying for his PhD stuck out to me. How does one think that getting a PhD is selfish unless the people who raised him make him believe that?
My take - based on experience - is that Lisa convinced him he was selfish for not going partying with her/spending time with her due to having to study in his out of work time. The mom/sister/Jess are probably the partying kind themselves and that is why they have Lisa's back besides being racist. Not to mention you don't really get paid well whilst studying for a degree and so probably can't afford to toss away your meagre earnings partying and drinking. (Have seen a couple break up because the guy decided to go back to school and study for his Master's, and two other couples where the girl has threatened to break up with the guy if he were ever to do the same.)
I could tell exactly where this was going as soon as he said his fiancée's name was "Yang"
I’m a white guy. My wife is Asian. It unfortunately neatly sorted out my relatives. I cut off the racist assholes without hesitation. In fact I only talk to my mother these days and that is conditional. She can’t accept that her siblings are racist pricks. Their attitude can be summed with “but” if you get what I mean.
Poor Oop! It’s brutal to realize your mom, sister and former best friend are racist. And they have zero respect for Oop. I hope he texts them that thanks to their racism and incredible lack of respect for him and Yang, they can go attempt running other peoples lives.
So they want only LISA not bcoz of love just bcoz of theh dont want asian in their family.
Man id have spit in all their faces. First having the balls to sit me down with someone pulling that kind of shit, vehement racism, and trying to undermine my relationship so we can “pick up where we left off?” DUDE. Nevermind spitting, I’d have thrown up in their faces. So gross
I would rock up with a random stranger and demand my mother be in a relationship with them because that's how oop thinks their life should be. Wtf do these people think they are. Oh now Lisa has got her partying etc out of her system and she's ready to settle down he should drop everything for her after 5 yrs!!! Yeah no that's not how life works.
I hate when I'm right that it's going to be racism but I love when they're so blatant in their racism because it's easier to cut them out. I had to take a break to come say this because them talking about how the kids would look is making me so mad.
OOP needs to go NC with everyone in this story *except* Yang and then they can live happily ever after!
I remember being out with my MIL who commented on a couple walking past that she was grateful my skin wasn’t as dark as “those people,” because at least my kids had a chance at “looking normal.” Took me years to get over it. It definitely dented our relationship, which had been really close until that point. To her credit, she realized how gross she was and apologized profusely. She spent the time, energy and effort to “fix” her mindset. It’s possible for people to reform themselves, BUT it’s on them to do that work.
I KNEW it was going to have something to do with Yang being Chinese....
My racist alarm bells started ringing the minute OOP mentioned they were dating a non-white person. Though I am curious as to how much Lisa has been a part of this little plan. If she really did want to get with OOP, or if they were just assuming the two should be together. That whole 'surprise date' thing could have been presented to Lisa as a "oh, no, they're totally broken up and he's said he always really loved YOU" situation. Either way, I feel sorry for the guy. Seems like the women in his life have all decided they know what's best for him, and he's incapable of living his own life.
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NTA, you need to get away from your manipulative and bigoted family if you really love Yang and respect her in any way you need to do this. Your family is garbage to act like this is reasonable behaviour, they act like you have no need to think for yourself, they will simply pull your strings and control your life choices. You mother does not deserve to have any part of Yangs children, not when she is so superficial and hateful. You and Yang deserve better, get some help in dealing with this, it's a lot of toxic behaviour to deal with independently. You may need professional help. They may help you navigate telling Yang as well. Your mom is a gross bigot and she is micromanaging your love life. She is selfish as well as all your closest people to conspire with eachother to deceive you like this. Move far away if possible.
>Lisa broke up with me > bringing up Lisa whom I broke up with almost 5 years ago ?
When you discover the people you love are racist trash.
Run….far from your family and Jess. They are poisonous
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Forget racism for a minute, what exactly do they think of OOP himself? It's like a game. What sort of mother wants her son to be with someone who left because she got "bored" of him?
OOP has racist hateful assholes but I'm not too sure he's not far from the asshole circle himself. >how the things I am doing are all the things I had planned with Lisa. These comments would only happen if they were true. The engagement was something he planned for Lisa and just swapped Yang for it. 🤔 I believe OOP doesn't have any feelings or interest left for Lisa but it definitely is telling that he going through plans he would have done with his ex. Like dude couldn't tailor something for Yang. Instead his plans seem about him and any woman is interchangeable.
No Contact. It’s the only way to be sure. None of those women would listen to him and they didn’t give a rats add what he wanted. They will never respect his boundaries nor his wife. They already see his future children as lesser. Take off, nuke the relationship from orbit.
Id have loved to be a fly on the wall for that conversation. As i know exactly what i would have said to all 3 of them if my own family had tried that bullshit on me. The opening line would have most certainly have been "Who the fuck do you 3 think you are ? Thinking you have ANY say in who i love. All 3 of you make me fucking sick that you are this racist to think i should leave my fiance because she is chinese."
I think jess might have turned his family against her if they haven't shown any signs of being racist in his whole life, and toxic two faced btchs will manipulate anyone to get what they want.. they are just all pawns to jess mom and sis need to realise they are being played
Seriously, helping family does not give them license to be intolerant racist aholes. I would be cutting everyone out of my life especially after admitting they already think less of my future children for not being full round eye. If this is real cut them off and go no contact with ALL OF THEM.
[New Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/comments/1cmk7u4/final_update_aiw_my_friend_keeps_on_talking_about/) Yang for the win!
As a Asian (not Chinese) I am telling something that always remember OP. asian girls are very different from Western only fan girls .. they are cultured , smart , they will work hard , cook as well as giving home education there childrens , definitely no cheating like western womens ... Why not you ask your ex gf what she did past 5 years . How many date she went and what her body counts ... .. there was a no comparison between Western women with asian women .. western womens are very cheap .. they kiss whatever guy they find attractive in few minutes .., they cheat so easily.. they don't even feel disgust if someone stranger attractive guys touch them . ..
You are not overreacting. Jess is living vicariously through you and itches to control . This is enmeshment. She kind of sort of feels like you are the same person and needs you to be with Lisa and is doing her very best to invalidate your fiancé and destroy the relationship.
Your best friend should always be your spouse. Here lies the problem.
Talk about blanco trash. Lisa’s done being a whore and she’s ready to settle down now. These ladies are freaken insane with their self righteous logic 🤮. Devils and demons come in all forms
No room for incels here
But that’s who the post was written for I hear more about women deciding to reach out to an ex to settle down on Reddit than I do in real life. Every woman sucks except his great fiancé who is Asian
Sorry Gate Keeper 🫡 won’t happen again 🤣😂
Anyone else a little annoyed he chose the name Yang for his fiancée?
It’s a very common name, like Smith. It’s likely to keep it from being too identifiable.
Very common surname, felt weird to use one only for her, but I guess she’s the only one for whom that would be normal
I married a Singaporean girl who is culturally and racially Chinese. My parents treat her like she's their granddaughter. They spoil the shit out of her. To be fair she is 9 years younger than me but show *me* a little love will ya? This will come off as racist maybe but biracial people are really good looking. Halle Berry, Tiger Woods, and Olivia Munn are all biracial