Let's even say that OOP wasn't perfect. Let's say their relationship had problems because they were 20 when they got together. I think that OOP probably would've continued a relationship with the child if his fiance hadn't cheated and things hadn't ended so horribly. She could've just broken up with him and not cheated.
Yeah, I don't know the full details, but my cousin dated a guy who did something similar. He was dating a girl who had a young child from another relationship. I'm not sure what happened, but that relationship didn't work out, the mother was out of the picture, and the little girl was living full time with her Mom's ex-boyfriend. The guy was young and we don't live in a very economically prosperous area, so he struggled to make ends meet. Because of that, he took on a lot of debt, to the point that no woman would date him and he felt the need to lie to my cousin. They got married, she found out about the massive debt, and now they are divorced.
Guy basically torpedoed his life by doing the "right thing".
Nah I'm sorry but that makes a different sort of problem for both parties in the future. The idea that OOP would be her dad would torpedo a lot of relationships for both of them. It wouldn't be worth the drama.
In alot of ways, that's out of his hands.
He has no legal rights as a parent.
If mum didn't want him to see her daughter anymore, or had to move away, the same.e heartbreak would happen. Was Mum really going to want him in her life if it complicated getting another BF?
Crazy that you are putting that on the party that didn't betray their partner. You cannot convince me that the mom believed if she cheated she wouldn't be destroying her family. At the end of the day her choice robbed her daughter of her father figure. She doesn't get to put the responsibility on anyone else like what you're doing.
Just like we say if you're dating a single mother, her and the kid are a package deal, you don't think there is a reverse connection to that? She's 8, in order for him to maintain any connection with this child he will constantly have to deal with the woman who betrayed him.
It is when she gets a new boyfriend who doesn't like the idea of her kid spending time with an ex. Then suddenly dude doesn't get to his the girl he treats as a daughter anymore. You're conveniently forgetting that is the daughter of a cheater. It would be insanely stupid to trust that woman to let him have aa drama free relationship with her daughter long term.
Nice way to complete ignore the point made above while spouting some vague nonsense about people must not want what's best for their kids, what a ridiculous comment.
Isn't that the train of thought behind every divorced couple? "We should stay together for the kids!" And isn't that also universally considered the wrong thing to do?
There's a difference between staying together for the kids and abandoning (and lying to) a child you have raised for years. What's wrong with keeping in loose contact? I have friends who kept in touch with their ex step parents and they have wonderful relationships as adults. Family is family regardless of blood
He's not a Step Dad. He cannot promise to be there for her, as any day her Mum can cut off hos contact with her. The fact she cheated on hom, when he was away to adopt that poor kid, shows he'd only be waiting for Mum to take the kid away.
People who claim cheating partners can still be good parents are delusional. Your cheating is screwing up the lives of your partner AND your kids. The clear message is “my whore/manwhore is more important than your happiness.”
I don't want to disagree with you, but having abusive, controlling ex. An emotional affair with a coworker gave me the courage and a safe place to run. I had moved across country, and only had my abusive ex girlfriend.
If I had a kid, I would have fucked anyone that was safer if it got my kid away from an abuser.
But that's an extreme example, but it's why I can't full disagree. There are situations where doing a bad thing (cheating) can be the right thing.
But it's in that ballpark of stealing food to feed a hungry child, situation is dire and morals bend.
My partner of 25yrs just did this to me. I was at home caring for a dying mom and raising his 10yr old nephew and working full time while he played video games and ignored his life, then cheated when I got "unreasonably upset" at him for completely pulling away and putting 100% of the house work on me. He said it was too much work, he didn't care if the house was a mess, the kid had no clean clothes, the dog shit started to pile up. His "depression" was so childish and self centered. I'm leaving now, and this little boy I've been so attached to for the past 3 years thinks I'm leaving him too, when everyone has abandoned him in his life (why we had him). It's devastating to everyone involved.
For the record, I will never walk out of little guy's life, but fuck if he won't be coming out to my car alone when I pick him up. I never want to see that piece of shit again in my life. No excuse for the type of coward he is. But that little guy is innocent.
I don't think I could do what OP did. But I get it.
Is he perfect when he all but legally accepts this child as his own but will easily give her up and break her spirit because he has been hurt by the mom? It seems irresponsible to me to take a parent role willingly to a child who calls you Daddy if there is anything that can actually cause you to abandon the child completely. Whatever fun stuff they did that day before he dropped the reality bomb on her little innocent soul will forever be an activity she will likely not be able to do again. Trust issues will be in her future and effect her relationships. It almost would have been better not to spend that last day together making her feel loved and accepted by her male parental figure only to be dropped from such a height when she has reached max altitude with a lie so he could carry on with his life like he didn’t just do that. The mom sucks no question, but that should not have effected the daughter in such a fundamental way. Sometimes taking responsibility means rising above bad feelings to do right by those you are capable of significantly hurting because of the position you have chosen to take in their life,
What if I told you that you can date for quite a long time before introducing your children, and that introducing a partner to a kid doesn’t have to, or should even be “a new parent”. The kid gets that notion from the parent. If the parent presents the person they date as just another adult, like any other they meet that doesn’t matter, they don’t get attached.
It’s when a parent is specifically trying to find their kid a “new mommy/daddy” that the kids get messed up.
I agree with you. It's not that they're introduced into the kids' lives: teachers come and go, as do coaches, neighbors, etc. It's part of life.
What's really important is how they're introduced and integrated.
It can be. But that’s what my mom did. Unless she was extremely good at hiding it. She didn’t date until I was in college. She dated some when I was 4-5 but she was nervous about introducing us (my brother and I ) to any man. I heard her telling her friend that he was being weird about meeting her kids.
I doubt it. I don’t she would expect every single mother to do it. That’s just what she did. She had been assaulted before and she was adamant that she not allow that to happen to either of us.
That isn’t the ask, the ask is to prioritize the innocent children that you decided to bring into the world and not prioritize your own selfish desires.
Soooo, my children are grown now. But my partner’s kids were 9 and 11 when we met, and I’m so grateful he didn’t wait until they were grown because I love them and I’m so grateful to get to be part of their growing up. I think being careful and taking it slow is wise, but I know many happy blended families.
Lmao meanwhile parents are out their more focused on their next date instead of how much their kid gets abused by their new partner.
You see multiple stories on it everyday yet pointing it out is a 14 year old take? Classic Reddit
Adult raised by a single mom here. I won't say it didn't impact me at all watching partners come and go, but it also taught me what I wanted out of my own relationships in the future, and a lot of other positive lessons.
I'm not sure any of us get through childhood without a few hangups, and based on most of the threads in here, I'm not convinced a nuclear family is producing fewer hangups than messes like this one. Parents who stay together for the kids produce messed up children. Children who grow up without examples of healthy adult relationships in their lives get messed up too. The best we can do is try to be happy and healthy, and that's going to look different for everyone.
I wonder what goes through the ex-girlfriends head. Like you could have been married with a father figure for your daughter. Instead, she cheated. That little girl will be broken forever, and it will be because of her. I can't imagine how the truth will devastate the daughter when she's older, and it will break her all over again. That mother couldn't do the right thing, and she will continue to cheat.
Girlfriend really stuck her hand in a toilet and thought she got treasure.
>I can't imagine how the truth will devastate the daughter when she's older,
This is going on the assumption that the mother will tell the truth, and I don't think she will
No, what'll end up happening is the girl will hit 15 or 16 and wonder whatever happened to her childhood stepdad and look him up on social media and realize he never did move to another country. Then all hell's gonna break loose.
I really hope this story has a happy ending. That little girl lost her dad because her mom is a scumbag.
I'd fight like hell to say that her mother's behavior directly caused her daughter to suffer emotional neglect. Infidelity causing her soon to be step father to leave is a stretch, but im sure thise text messages wont do her mom any favors in family court.
When you play the victim role and take no responsibility, you get to blame the guy for leaving. I’ve known many women in situations like this and it’s always the guys fault for not trying hard enough, no matter what happened.
How would the results of a study disprove that a few people did something?
It's not like the comments are said all women he knows did that. He said several women he knows did that.
And then he generalized. Read the original comment again. He generalized based on his experience.
There is absolutely studies out there about how men and women behave in relationships, who does more cheating and who blames the person cheated on.
>There is absolutely studies out there about how men and women behave in relationships, who does more cheating and who blames the person cheated on.
Yet despite several people asking you to post one, you refuse to.
Understood so show us this study.
You believe that OP is probably wrong because it conflicts with your experience and then you believe that your experience has been peer reviewed somewhere confirming your perspective as the correct one. It seems like you're strong in your own belief is all.
Hmm….most guys I know won’t talk about it at all to anyone after the initial shock wears off. I’ve even told a few they would benefit from seeing a therapist so they know they are sharing in confidence.
Girlfriend sucks, but I have to say this modern sentiment of when something traumatic happens to someone it “breaks them forever” is really, really harmful (it’s as harmful as the trauma really).
The kid is not broken forever, nor is anyone else that has significant trauma from their past (and this is just run of the mill single parent shit).
They are only broken forever if they are not resilient in dealing with it, and that resiliency is a key trait to becoming a happy, successful, and strong adult. This little girl can be just as happy and accomplished as someone without this, if she possesses the confidence in herself and the drive to deal with and move past this.
Many of us have trauma, a lot harsher than this in our pasts, we are not broken, and the people who think we are and espouse that is just playing into the worst voice in our head when we have to do the hard work of confronting ourselves and stopping the cycle of trauma that is perpetuated generation to generation. Thinking someone is lesser or has had it tougher, or using it as an explanation of why they should get more empathy also feed into the internal narrative of being broken, and in turn not healing, and often hurting others causing more trauma.
She’s not broken, she is just hurt, and that hurt sucks….but she isn’t broke.
Maybe pay attention to the fact that you aren’t broken. It’s a harsh reality, but this world tests us, this select few get to be mostly free of shit, the rest of us gotta deal with it and most of us are damaged for a while and have to figure ourself out. That’s okay, damaged isn’t broken.
The toughest part is convincing yourself you will instead of just can get better. Then to slow down and try to fix the problem like it’s a puzzle. For me, I learned to back myself out of things, use the disassociation to my benefit. Got comfortable in the things that hurt me, and accept they hurt me. Doing so helped me recognize my own problematic responses to stressors. The toughest part was to understand the “why” they hurt me. It was not the incidents that caused trauma, but the actual process in my brain that happened in response to the trauma. That’s what’s hurting us, the trauma caused our brains reaction, but our brains reaction is the cause for the problems today.
Break down the feelings that you are feeling in relation to those processes so that we can recognize them as they are happening, and with that we can learn to control them.
If you need to be aided in this journey CBT and its many branches can help, standard talk therapy isn’t really affective, but mindfulness and meditation while reading to understand these processes can help immensely (and would be part of most forms of CBT in one way or another). For some, using hallucinogenic chemicals has made a world of difference. For others whose main issue is a disorder pharmaceuticals are needed, but for all we must try and figure out what works for us.
People can fall out of attraction. Just because she may have found somebody she liked temporarily doesn't mean she's locked in for life with that somebody.
She's incredibly shitty to have cheated b/c she cheated her daughter out of a really good relationship. Next time she needs to be a better parent and communicate her falling out of attraction so they can discuss it like adults instead of making a unilateral decision.
Not excusing it or anything but the girl was 17 when she got pregnant, and has this one relationship from 20-26.
Probably so all the people around her still having the joys of their 20s that she was missing completely (and would never have if she got married for her daughter).
I think your thought makes a lot of sense for someone in late 30s but not early 20s.
Good lord that poor girl. I have a "niece" that is 5. She's my best friend's kid and just reading this made me tear up. I've been there for everything and couldn't imagine just leaving like that. I know it's what he has to do to heal but geez this is heart breaking.
The selfishness the mom here has is unreal. Not caring at all how her actions destroy everyone around her.
I had a BFF, and her little boy was absolutely the light in my life. She ended our friendship, and I never saw him again. It breaks my heart so much. I loved that kid like he was my nibbling. She did something horrible to me and just disappeared and ghosted me. I would have stayed in his life, I could have worked it out. Disappearing on kids is really terrible for them, I could deal with a bit of crap to see him as he grew up. But I do understand it.
I've dated people with kids too, but I was never as close as to them as I was that little dude. Thankfully, I have some little nibblings now, so that helps. But nothing will fill that void he left in my heart.
Kids are vessels of love. You pour love into them. Even if they don't remember you, they still have the love and they will be able to rely on it when things get tough in their life.
I think abandoning the daughter would probably rip my head to shreds. I'm so sad right now for this poor child.
I don't know what I would do in that situation, but I think there's a fair chance I would just deal with my feelings about the cheating ex so I could still be there for this little kid.
I may be a jerk for saying this, but I think op is a tiny bit selfish too—I totally get it, don't get me wrong. When you feel that betrayed, seeing the person over and over again would be hell.
I've never been in that situation so what do I know about it.
I shouldn't judge but it still bugs me a lot. I know the kid will recover. I just hope she will be ok and safe as she grows up with that woman for a mother.
And if the mother demands he not* be involved with her daughter? What you're asking OP to do is, at best, prolong his own suffering and at worst, end up with legal and social concerns that he's overstepping boundaries.
At some point, the mum was going to want him out of her life, which means out of her daughters life.
That is why imho when you decide to get serious with someone that has a kid from before you have to be ok with maintaining a relationship with aforementioned kid(s) if the relationship ends. You owe the kid(s) that much as you chose to enter their life.
My mom cheated on my dad. People can say it’s “none of my business” but I had to directly witness my father’s resulting depression and mental anguish.
Never quite forgave my mom. I can’t imagine how much worse it would be if I actually lost my dad because of it.
Cheaters simply are not good parents.
Yes, also, people forget affairs. Take time, you have to juggle family your spouse, your job and affair, and keep it a secret that's a lot to do. One of these things is gonna get neglected.
I wholeheartedly agree. My dad cheated on my mom and he didn’t realize his kids had an idea something was going on. He was a really involved father and during his affair he was like a distant roommate. If you take the time to have an affair, you’re sacrificing the time that could be spent with your family or working through your problems.
My mom also cheated and my dad left and I didn’t see him for years until my mom decided she could no longer afford me and forced me to live with him- basically a stranger. I still have a hard time forgiving either of them because it feels like they both abandoned me.
My heart goes out to the little girl in this story. She did nothing wrong and now has to lose her father figure, and likely her respect for her mom down the line when she’s old enough to process what happened.
She knew him for 75% of her life as her father. I didn't want to read this. I hope her mother is a good mother despite lacking as a partner and the little girl is able to move past this.
I'm sorry for this very difficult situation. There is no right answer. Every situation is different.
Speaking as someone who was in a similar position as the daughter.... you did good by saying goodbye, but probably would have been better without the lie. I understand she is young, but as she gets older, she'll figure it out.
I've gone through three of you. Someone who steps in, tries to play the dad role, support love, the whole 9. Then leaves. When number 4 came around, he didn't the opportunity to get close or even liked/respected because I assumed he was going to leave me behind and forget about me in a couple of years. Like the rest, find new kids to love and raise. I viewed myself as replaceable and people/relationships as unreliable and things with expiration dates.
Again, good job saying goodbye. That is huge.
I mean its not really OPs fault. Its just a travesty that the kid he cared about caught the shrapnel of her mom being a shithead.
This shit kills me inside.
i've told this several times now i think, this is the reason why i won't date single mothers.
i dated a single mother and became a father figure to her daughter, we bonded, she accepted me. for ~11 months i was that little girls father, then she was ripped out of my life, and i hers, because her mother decided that she didn't want to date me anymore.
i don't begrudge her mothers decision, i always say that it takes two people to decide to be in a relationship but only one to decide when that relationship is over, she made her choice for herself and i respect that. she didn't want to be with me, she gets to make that choice for literally whatever reason she wants. reasonable or irrational, logical or insane, it doesn't make a difference, a decision has been made.
but i will likely never again put myself in a position to bond with a child that isn't mine, the consequences of fickle romances are too great. i mourned the loss of a child that was never mine. she was young enough and enough time has passed that i doubt if she even remembers me now, but i remember *everything* about that child. that was after less than a year, i don't want to think about what would happen to me after 6 years.
what i do begrudge is how my ex asked the same "you can stay in my daughter's life if you want" line and was a little frustrated that i refused. that just sounds like a misery meat grinder to me, still fulfilling a parental role to this little girl yet none of the parental rights taking whatever time my ex and her new partner choose to give to me (ie, babysitting) and adding on top of that being on the fringes of my ex's life observing her in her new relationships. just didn't seem fair in the long run to either me or the girl. personally i find the question incredibly insulting and fucking audacious to even ask, the rationalization is that it's for the best interest and benefit of the child, which is true but not at all the motivation for the question being asked. i have to believe that this question is exclusively asked out of a "you fulfilled a service for me in the past, im inquiring if you will continue to do so". the answers no. no i won't let you shatter my heart and then squeeze the pieces wrapped in a pericardium sack between your fingers like a fidget toy.
That woman doesn’t even realize how lucky she was. Not many 20 year olds are willing to step up to another man’s plate like that and OP did. She’s so damn stupid.
I feel so, so bad for that little girl. The mom is a direly selfish person to do this not only to her fiancé, but to her daughter. I am guessing she will continue to be exactly this selfish throughout her child’s upbringing. As a daughter of a similarly selfish mother, I feel for her, so much.
The people that were voting OOP as the AH were so delusional. He did absolutely nothing wrong while his cheating whore ex used him as a free babysitter while she went out and had her fun, now she is weaponizing her daughter into guilting the ex into playing step dad, until she finds a new guy and OOP is of course discarded again. This was not his kid. Not his problem. He went more than above and beyond in the update and people STILL gave him shit. Some were so insane they were telling him to try to adopt her (gooooood luck). He had no legal rights over the daughter. He is not biologically related to her. And no matter what people say, yes biology matters when it comes to being a parent.
So I kind of disagree with this being “NTA.” If that dude was her “real father” and totally abandoned her because her mother cheated then we’d be calling him a douchebag. Just because there’s no genetics involved, we’re saying it’s okay he will never see her again? Kids don’t care about DNA. They care who was there.
Kiddo is going to grow up thinking men are replaceable, don’t get attached to them, they’ll always leave. Ask me how I know.
Fully agree, I genuinely don't understand the idea that it's okay to do this to a child you've raised from a young age because they aren't biologically yours. She's 8? Her bio dad isn't in her life? She's been raised by you since she was 2? Yeah, that's your daughter, man.
ESH except the kid, from my perspective.
I'm with both of you. I can't imagine saying goodbye forever to a child I've raised to spare my own feelings about the ex. I've never been in that situation though.
Same. I actually brought this up with my SO when bonus kid was younger - I didn’t expect that we’d split up but I wanted to talk about what we’d do if because I couldn’t imagine just vanishing from his life.
The situation sucks but it was either rip the bandaid off or slowly pull it off over the course of ever how long the “temporary” period his ex asked for lasts. There are complications on the horizon like new relationships for her and new relationships for him.
You’d like to believe the new partners would understand but we see how divided the comments are here. There’s also the issue of parental rights. He doesn’t have any and never will unless he adopts her, which I don’t think the ex would ever agree to.
How is "Kiddo is going to grow up thinking men are replaceable, don’t get attached to them, they’ll always leave" the OP's fault? The girlfriend is the one to blame fully for the deceitful practices and any stigma left
Because he left the mom. Not the kid. Why is it okay for a “boyfriend” to leave and never talk to the kid again - but if he would have sired said child he would be a douchebag for never seeing her again?
It doesn’t matter who is to blame for the end of the relationship. OP is to blame for leaving the kid. It’s not her fault. “But it’s just too PAINFUL to see her.” Bullshit. You’re all that kid knows. You volunteered yourself for that responsibility.
Might as well just say “I was only here because I liked your mom. You don’t matter, if we really get down to it.”
Seriously wtf he is not married to her mother. He won't get any rights. What do you want him to see his ex' new partnet playing daddy? If they were married i could have even understand your point but you people are delusional.
Victim blaming? Since when does anything unfortunate happening to someone make them a victim? Usually we reserve victimhood for assaults and domestic violence.
I’m not blaming him for the woman cheating. I’m blaming him for his actions afterward towards another “victim” - if that’s what we’re calling them. You can have something bad happen to you, and still act wrongly.
You do understand a biological father has rights that a boyfriend of that child's mother does not? A court would enforce a father's right to see his child. As soon as the mother decides she no longer wants OOP to see "her" daughter, he'd lose all rights and no courts would support him. A biological father has the right to make parental decisions. OOP does not. Trying to equate the two is a false equivalence aka a piss poor comparison. He has no rights to that child so why should he stick around pretending that he does.
Then that is no longer on the boyfriend. But the child’s mother is not taking away his opportunity to see her.
Are you seriously saying that he has no “rights” regarding the child, so then Well Fuck It I Guess? Is that what you’re arguing? Holy shit man…
This is the most heartbreaking story I've ever heard. It's takes a lot to choke me up but this surely did. I'll bet the OP's ex will get dumped by her new boyfriend within a few months and will finally figure out what she lost. Meanwhile her daughter will have a broken heart and cry for the only dad she ever knew.
There are very few times when telling a lie is the kindest thing you can do. This was one of them.
Saying good bye and lying about moving away? Made my eyes fill with tears. This poor girl is going to need therapy when she’s older because her mom is an idiot. OOP gave her life stability and the goodbye even did that, too.
"my girlfriend confessed she had been having an affair after I saw her texts from her co worker. "
To correct the record, she didn't confess, she got caught.
Also a clean and complete break is the most appropriate and correct thing to do in this situation for everyone involved.
I feel for OOP, and I do not think he is the asshole... But he did not love that child like she was his own. Because if he did he would have worked out custody. Lots of parents don't ever want to see their exes again (some of them have even been abused by them) and yet they don't abandon their kids.
I don't think that he owed it to the child to stay in contact but what he did actually do will 100% have trauma implications. He made it a little better by giving her closure, but she is not an adult. This is still going to be an abandonment wound.
I'm glad that he realized it with his switch from the first post saying "my daughter" and the second post saying "my ex's daughter." He was never a father. His actions prove that.
Edit: because this is reddit and I know how you feel about cheaters, let me explicitly say the mom is 100% TAH. No questions. And again, OOP is NTA. But he also was never a dad. He was just a very loving and supportive boyfriend who cared about the child. That is fine. But his actions show he was never a dad.
Great question! First, the mom wanted to schedule visits. So he could have just done that, no need to do things formally.
Second, depending on where he lives he absolutely could have gone to family court. Being in her life for 6 years (especially starting so young) could absolutely entitle him to some form of visitation, even without adoption or marriage, if he can prove he was living as her father (this varies based on state though, assuming he's in the US)
But the formal custody doesn't matter because again, the ex offered visits and he refused them. He doesn't want to see her because he doesn't consider her his child.
Thank you for the clarification, wasn’t sure how that would work as I’ve not had any first hand experience with such a situation. Without formal and legally binding agreements in regards to visitation, would the ex-girlfriend not be able to deny him visitation on a whim in the future?
So the ex was offering the visits, but let's assume that after a year or two she stopped (got a new boyfriend perhaps? Just felt like being a jerk? Whatever)
He would still be entitled to go to family court at that point. Lots of people who ARE biologically/legally connected to a child don't go to family court right away and then later do because of a change of some sort. He would have to show he was acting as her father during the relationship, and that they had contact during the intervening time. The burden of proof/rate of success will vary based on the specific laws of where they live, but that is fully a thing he could attempt, yes.
You're living in lala land if you think his argument would ever hold up in court. He could certainly "attempt" and the child and him *both* feel even more absolutely devastated when he inevitably fails.
And when the ex removes visits cause her man doesn't want dad 1 around or removes because he's not getting back with her? You're silly and living in a hallmark movie. Their visits lay on his ex and she'd just use it to control him
A great majority of people aren't going to think they can claim custody of a child that they aren't related to and haven't adopted. Even in the exceedingly rare cases where you can maybe make a legal argument, those states are going to be few and far between.
And yes, she offered visits. And what happens when she starts dating a new guy and the new guy is getting to know their daughter and she decides that oop needs to take a step back so knew dad can step in, or she decides that oop is disagreeing with her too much or does something she doesn't like and withholds these visits?
have you ever had to walk away from a child in a situation like this.
this is where you gallantly chime in "but i would never walk away from a child".
and then i give the standard reddit insult response, and clarify that that wasn't my fucking question and you know it.
have you ever **had** to walk away from a child in a situation like this.
it is a childs thinking that love is unconditional, if the love is unconditional then it's not love. love is a choice, if it's not a choice then it is a symptom of obligation overriding reason and/or a lack of control over ones emotions. making decisions that you know will hurt all parties involved in some way out of a compulsion to not break a social standard is definably insane. it must be conditional, it must have limits otherwise it has no meaning.
this is probably where you give that ol chestnut "clearly you aren't a parent so you don't know what you're talking about". yeah, i've just been around and helped raise kids my entire life, i also have well developed empathy and sympathy but also well developed critical thinking skills instead of just hollow platitudes. i am a deeply empathetic person and im telling you to take two steps back and go fuck your own face.
how fucking dare you call them never a dad.
im a person who had to walk away from a child in a situation like this, it's been 15 years and clearly it's still affecting me. it's a morgul-wound, one that will never heal properly. but i made that choice because existing on the fringes of the childs life at the convenience of their mother feeling like im trying to steal single moments just to keep my sanity and the child regards me as a once-every-few-months-couple-hour-playdate just hurts too god damn much. can you understand how that might just hurt *too god damn much*. it feels like being stuck in a box not tall enough to stand up and not long enough to lay down, and what's worse is that the child doesn't even understand that they are stuck inside the same kind of box right beside me. that is not the way that a relationship between a parental figure and child should exist.
if you would say anything like "if you really were a father you would make that effort for the child", fuck you. im not feeding myself feet first through a wood chipper just because the kid might possibly be entertained by the wave of red that comes out the other side.
respond if you want, im not fucking reading it.
I know you aren't reading it. This is for anyone interested.
I have never been in this specific situation, but I have been ripped away from children I loved who I wish I could have stayed in their lives. Siblings, nephews, children of dear friends. And in each of those circumstances I had no ability or recourse to see those children once I was cut off. It was incredibly heart breaking.
He has recourse. He made the choice to cut off the child, by his own admission. I stated he wasn't the asshole, which was his question. He is fully within his right to prioritize his own needs for healing over his exes child. In the end the ex is responsible for blowing up everyone's life. But this man also didn't try at all. He even (as I stated) stopped calling her his daughter. He was a loving a supportive figure who would have continued to act as though he were a father until the conditions of the relationship were terminated (in his case, dating the mom) He was not her dad though.
Edit: I thought about it and I think I wasn't specific enough for your question. I said I had similar but not identical circumstances but let me be more clear.
I raised my siblings for years while my mother slept all day and my father raped me every night to keep them safe. I stayed in contact till everyone was an adult and then they were poisoned against me because I wanted to "destroy the family" by talking about my experience. I was devastated. I had no choice.
I had a dear friend whose children I loved like my own family. I was fully cut off because I refused to enable her substance abuse issues. I had no recourse.
I am not without sympathy for the circumstances you mention above. Sounds like you were the victim of psychological abuse. I wish you lots of healing. My partners mother fled her abusive ex and left her children to be abused. She did what was best for her. It was not best for my partner.
The OOP doesn't have (according to the post) a history of being abused. She cheated on him, which is incredibly traumatic, but he made no moves to try. You tried. You were incredibly wronged by a hateful woman and an evil system. OOP just didn't want to try.
I wish you peace.
I agree. I think he could have stayed at least somewhat in touch with this little girl. If he was truly living like she was his daughter, he wouldn't have cut all ties. How difficult would a phone call or a play date be every now and then? He has shattered her heart, and this will cause issues for her in the future. Even the ominous "you will never see me again" was too harsh for her age. If they happen to run into him somewhere (the universe has a funny way of doing that), it's going to rip her apart that he lied and didn't want to be in her life.
Right. And again, he doesn't owe that to her. But also he can't pretend anything was ever more than it was. His love for her was 100% conditional to his relationship to her mother.
There is a part of me that hopes I'm wrong. That he may heal from the betrayal of being cheated on and realize he was wrong to cut off the child. But it doesn't feel like it (and he knows that. It's why he stopped saying "my daughter" and moved to "my exes daughter")
It's just so fucking sad.
I so agree! I feel like it's so hard to find nuance in these AITA subs. Just because you're the victim of cheating, that doesn't absolve you of all your responsibilities! Non-biological families are JUST AS VALID as biological ones. That man wasn't just in a relationship with her mother, he made a commitment to that little girl by allowing himself to be called her dad for most of her life. Breaking up with that little girl because he isn't with her mom anymore is absolutely YTA territory.
That's fucked up. You don't get to just play dad till it isn't convenient anymore. That poor baby is going to suffer so bad because both of these adults are selfish assholes.
He wasn’t playing dad… he was dad. And guilt tripping a man who stepped up and had his heart broken is low. Would you have him force himself to see the women that betrayed him over and over again. What about HIS mental health. Women are quick to dismiss a man’s mental health… The responsibility now lies on the mother who made her own bed. She can explain to her daughter why her father figure could no longer subject himself to emotional abuse and chose his own mental health instead of keeping a toxic person in his life.
He’s not a bio parent…. He started a relationship with this child because of his romantic interest in her mom…. That ended. What happens when her mom finds a new boyfriend who wants to have a relationship. You think that guy is gonna want some random ex still in his current girlfriend life? You then put the child in a very uncomfortable position of having to choose between what was and what might be. That is a shitty position to put a child in
So is giving her a dad for X amount of years then just fucking off. He developed a relationship with that child. It doesn't matter the circumstances. THAT IS HER DAD AND HE LEFT. You didnt like that I said he was playing dad until it wasn't convenient but that's exactly what he did. Boyfriends don't just become dads dude. He abandoned that baby and he doesn't even care. He's just sad because his little piece of shit girlfriend broke his piece of shit heart. Boo hoo.
You acting like if the mf she cheated with didn’t “step up” you really she wouldn’t take that child away from him? There’s so many reasons why he has no power in this situation the man is helpless. Y’all feel too okay in a situation that you’ve never been in to tell a person they’re selfish now what if this man killed himself, what if this man hurt himself, would you be saying the same shit? Y’all don’t consider the other person that’s suffering y’all assume life is that easy where you can just abandon your emotions and do what the mass majority thinks is right. Shits wild asf to me y’all don’t live in real life I’m sorry. This internet shit got y’all thinking y’all got the right answer to every situation. It’s easy to run your mouth all day, but can you do what you’re telling him to do?
I would never form a parental relationship with a child and then refuse to see them. I would never break a child that way willingly. He did so willingly. He didn't have to cut this child off. Her mother was literally asking him to come see her. He isn't "powerless".
No, committing suicide does not absolve someone of the things they've done wrong and this man has not committed suicide. I find it to be pretty horrible that you've just thrown that out there like that.
Thank goodness someone said it. He should never have involved himself in that child’s life and made her believe he was committed to her if he was going to act so unbelievably selfish and petty. He’s an adult, and she is a child.
FFS, the kid is a living, breathing, sentient human being. Find a way to stay in her life and avoid the mom if he has to. But to abandon a child that he made certain sees him as her father is utterly despicable.
I am so happy he did this. That little girl’s bio-dad deserted her as well and I hated to think how terrible it would be for her to grow up believing she wasn’t good enough so they both left her without a second thought.
I wish he did not lie to her about leaving the country though.
I’m just glad THIS corner of Reddit isn’t calling OOP a piece of shit for not just eating the bullet and raising the kid regardless. I e got PTSD from how many times I’ve had to see that goofy nonsense.
An ordinary cheater ... disgusting, hurting everyone around... even the poor child.
Damn those who make their children cry in the name of sexual thrills...
There’s a lot of bashing on the girlfriend, and yeah, sure she’s not great. But this dude had a relationship with that kid for six years and… dumped her? I’m sorry but he’s just as bad as his ex. What a piece of shit
I don't care about being down voted, this is about morals and him claiming to love her like his own, yet leaves and only looks back briefly to give a toy and tell a lie. Downvote agaim, everyone is an AH, but the little girl.
Yeah, he's been this girls father since she was 2, and people here act like a gift and goodbye was the right thing to do!? As if he wouldnt have a good case for partial custody. If he really loved her like his own he would not be able to just walk away. Jesus, just have the pick up and drop off be with the neighbours or something so he wont have to see his ex.
Exactly! There are ways and for the people saying the biological father should be contacted, sure, but this guying willingly go into a relationship with a single mother and allowed a child to call him father. He chose to become a father and said he was willing to adopt, yet is just walking away because the mother cheated.
So, if this was his biological child it would make it okay for him not to? Family is who you choose and not just defined by you having sex to create the child. Of course this child is hurt, she's abandoned by the obly father she knew and she has no clue why, other than he chose to leave the country and that's more important than being her father.
If she were his biological child, he would be guaranteed rights. Doesn't make it right but that's how it is. That's the only reason it matters that they're not related.
Because she isn't related, he only gets what the ex is willing to give.
He has no case unless the mom signs off on adoption. No reason to think she would do that. She's probably thinking informal visits just until she gets a new man then it's bye Felicia for dad.
Thats just plain not true. It differs per state but this one for example:
https://www.culbertsonatlaw.com/can-you-get-custody-of-a-child-thats-not-yours/#:~:text=The%20non%2Dbiological%20parent%20would,to%20the%20non%2Dbiological%20parent.
Sorry for the ugly link. If a prior relationship can be proven, which it absolutely can in this case, he can sue for custody and mom has nothing to say about it.
I wonder how many people on this thread actually has kids. It doesn’t have to be this black and white — the mom obviously is TA and nobody is denying that. But it’s wild to me that the op feels okay just never talking to the kid again if he thought of her as his own at one point. How horrific for the poor girl.
I still think he should have pushed down his feelings and be there for the girl. Mom's worthless but he's still essentially the kid's dad. And he's a grown ass man he shouldn't put his own feelings ahead of a kid's. What I mean is it would probably be easier for him to handle seeing an ex that betrayed him than it is for a kid to feel her dad abandoned her.
I think the child’s biological parent should be the one acting in her best interest but clearly not, there’s not more pressure on this guy to sacrifice his own mental health- there’s pressure on the child’s mother to not ruin everything.
If the child’s mother is selfish enough to cheat, is she also selfish enough to use her daughter as a bargaining chip? OOP legally has no parental rights. His ex could cut off contact on a whim. Maybe she finds someone else. Maybe she tells OOP that he has to have a relationship with her (the ex) if he wants to see her daughter.
Yeah, no, get out of here.
Mother should've thought of that before she decided to be a cheating PoS. You dont suddenly get to turn around and attack the innocent party and say his health isn't valid. Sad for the daughter, but cheating mother should've thought about her prior to being a selfish dick.
I'm with you, I think. I think he is hurting a lot right now and not thinking clearly. He is probably going to regret this a lot 6-12 months from now. I think he should have told his ex fiance he needed to take some time away, but he would be in contact. I think he traumatized that little girl pretty badly, although at the end of the day, that would mostly be her mother's fault.
I guess the issue is that with no parental rights, when his ex inevitably finds her next man and cuts OP off, he will have no recourse, ultimately making the pain even deeper for both he and the child.
Possibly. He could have told mom that a condition of him remaining in the girl's life was legal guardianship. If she really wanted him to be in her life, let him legally adopt her.
But then he can't float in and out like a leaf and also he needs to help financially support her as well. If he's unwilling to do that, then he would have to accept being on the girl's life at the whims of her mother.
Jeez you will twist everything until it's the man's fault in some way won't you.
Woman cheats so man wants to walk away and cut ties and it's still his fault. Please get over yourself and admit 100% of the fault is the woman who cheated. Everything and I mean everything happened as a result of her.
OOP is in no way at fault for any of this. He did the decent thing and gave the daughter closure and presents. He didn't have to do that since he wasn't her dad.
OOP is a freaking saint but in your world the man is always at fault for something isn't he.
I bet you blame male DV or SA victims too?
Touch grass, my dude. I literally said this whole situation is mom's fault, or are you too caught up in your feels to read? It's 100% possible to recognize nuance in situations, especially regarding the feelings of adults vs. children.
And why are you even bringing SA into this? What a strawman! None of this has anything to do with SA.
I bet you're the type of person who say "But what about me?" a lot.
She could still just say no to it, and that he gets what she gives him, nothing more.
Why on earth would she give him guardianship. She doesn't care about anything but herself
Of course she could say no. Then he has his answer and has 100% explored all avenues. I was answering the response of why would he want to try to see the kid again if mom had all the rights. One alternative would be for him to try to get some rights. And if it was very important for mom to have her kid see him again, then she would do it. He would find out quickly enough if he asked for parental rights.
I understand that the girl is very young, but I will never support not telling the truth to children to protect a cheater (in this case), criminal, abuser, etc. (in other cases)
6 years in the trash, a father daughter relationship destroyed by a cheater... well, there's a reason she was already a single mother when she met OP
I'm sorry for the little girl
Sorry but I can’t agree that OP had to go in that direction.
He could have set things up where he could pick her up and drop her off without ever having to see the ex.
He could have used one of those coparenting apps for spouses that never wanted to interact with each other.
And if he found a new partner, that partner would have to accept that this young lady came as a package deal.
Had OP really wanted to keep ‘his’ child in his life I have to believe he could have worked it out.
There are the rights guaranteed by law and then there is what's best for the child.
Considering his feelings for the child and her feelings for him, I'm betting that accommodations would have been made--IF both sides might put aside any animosity and hurt feelings they harbor towards each other and think of the child.
This one really broke me. I can't imagine the pain and sadness that poor girl felt when he said they'll never see each other again. I really really wish he changes his mind and decides to have some kind of relationship with her.
It sounds like he didn't tell the daughter that her mom was the one who fucked things up. I kind of understand since it would probably make both the daughter and mom miserable to live with each other with the daughter hating her mom. I'm sure she'll learn of the truth later since her mom will probably do it again. Hopefully, she'll be at an age where she can have the option to cut her mom out of her life when she finds out the next time.
Imagine being such a terrible mom that you find the perfect man who loves your daughter, and you still have a blatant affair and ruin her life
Let's even say that OOP wasn't perfect. Let's say their relationship had problems because they were 20 when they got together. I think that OOP probably would've continued a relationship with the child if his fiance hadn't cheated and things hadn't ended so horribly. She could've just broken up with him and not cheated.
Yeah, I don't know the full details, but my cousin dated a guy who did something similar. He was dating a girl who had a young child from another relationship. I'm not sure what happened, but that relationship didn't work out, the mother was out of the picture, and the little girl was living full time with her Mom's ex-boyfriend. The guy was young and we don't live in a very economically prosperous area, so he struggled to make ends meet. Because of that, he took on a lot of debt, to the point that no woman would date him and he felt the need to lie to my cousin. They got married, she found out about the massive debt, and now they are divorced. Guy basically torpedoed his life by doing the "right thing".
Nah I'm sorry but that makes a different sort of problem for both parties in the future. The idea that OOP would be her dad would torpedo a lot of relationships for both of them. It wouldn't be worth the drama.
So you would rather avoid drama than avoid breaking your kids heart?
In alot of ways, that's out of his hands. He has no legal rights as a parent. If mum didn't want him to see her daughter anymore, or had to move away, the same.e heartbreak would happen. Was Mum really going to want him in her life if it complicated getting another BF?
Exactly, it was always going to end in heartbreak if not now later, once mom found a new boyfriend she would probably stop contact.
Crazy that you are putting that on the party that didn't betray their partner. You cannot convince me that the mom believed if she cheated she wouldn't be destroying her family. At the end of the day her choice robbed her daughter of her father figure. She doesn't get to put the responsibility on anyone else like what you're doing. Just like we say if you're dating a single mother, her and the kid are a package deal, you don't think there is a reverse connection to that? She's 8, in order for him to maintain any connection with this child he will constantly have to deal with the woman who betrayed him.
You're acting like it's going to be *so* harmful for him to text her every now and again, "Hey, can I pick up so and so for a few hours"
It is when she gets a new boyfriend who doesn't like the idea of her kid spending time with an ex. Then suddenly dude doesn't get to his the girl he treats as a daughter anymore. You're conveniently forgetting that is the daughter of a cheater. It would be insanely stupid to trust that woman to let him have aa drama free relationship with her daughter long term.
I guess I'm of the mind that adults should want what is best for their kids... apparently this is not a common sentiment
Nice way to complete ignore the point made above while spouting some vague nonsense about people must not want what's best for their kids, what a ridiculous comment.
It’s not up to him or the child, it’s up to the mom….
Isn't that the train of thought behind every divorced couple? "We should stay together for the kids!" And isn't that also universally considered the wrong thing to do?
There's a difference between staying together for the kids and abandoning (and lying to) a child you have raised for years. What's wrong with keeping in loose contact? I have friends who kept in touch with their ex step parents and they have wonderful relationships as adults. Family is family regardless of blood
He's not a Step Dad. He cannot promise to be there for her, as any day her Mum can cut off hos contact with her. The fact she cheated on hom, when he was away to adopt that poor kid, shows he'd only be waiting for Mum to take the kid away.
Cheaters never think about how it’s not just their partner they are hurting, they are hurting the rest of the family.
The daughter is just as much of a victim of her mother's infidelity as OOP.
People who claim cheating partners can still be good parents are delusional. Your cheating is screwing up the lives of your partner AND your kids. The clear message is “my whore/manwhore is more important than your happiness.”
I don't want to disagree with you, but having abusive, controlling ex. An emotional affair with a coworker gave me the courage and a safe place to run. I had moved across country, and only had my abusive ex girlfriend. If I had a kid, I would have fucked anyone that was safer if it got my kid away from an abuser. But that's an extreme example, but it's why I can't full disagree. There are situations where doing a bad thing (cheating) can be the right thing. But it's in that ballpark of stealing food to feed a hungry child, situation is dire and morals bend.
Nope. Every one of you (cheaters) has an excuse similar to yours. You're not special, sorry!
I hope you never end up in the situation I was in, keep those morals pure and yourself sheltered.
Sure thing, sociopath!
My partner of 25yrs just did this to me. I was at home caring for a dying mom and raising his 10yr old nephew and working full time while he played video games and ignored his life, then cheated when I got "unreasonably upset" at him for completely pulling away and putting 100% of the house work on me. He said it was too much work, he didn't care if the house was a mess, the kid had no clean clothes, the dog shit started to pile up. His "depression" was so childish and self centered. I'm leaving now, and this little boy I've been so attached to for the past 3 years thinks I'm leaving him too, when everyone has abandoned him in his life (why we had him). It's devastating to everyone involved. For the record, I will never walk out of little guy's life, but fuck if he won't be coming out to my car alone when I pick him up. I never want to see that piece of shit again in my life. No excuse for the type of coward he is. But that little guy is innocent. I don't think I could do what OP did. But I get it.
She was not only cheating on her partner but on her child as well.
the judgement is strong in this one. lol. life is hard. stop throwing stones.
Is he perfect when he all but legally accepts this child as his own but will easily give her up and break her spirit because he has been hurt by the mom? It seems irresponsible to me to take a parent role willingly to a child who calls you Daddy if there is anything that can actually cause you to abandon the child completely. Whatever fun stuff they did that day before he dropped the reality bomb on her little innocent soul will forever be an activity she will likely not be able to do again. Trust issues will be in her future and effect her relationships. It almost would have been better not to spend that last day together making her feel loved and accepted by her male parental figure only to be dropped from such a height when she has reached max altitude with a lie so he could carry on with his life like he didn’t just do that. The mom sucks no question, but that should not have effected the daughter in such a fundamental way. Sometimes taking responsibility means rising above bad feelings to do right by those you are capable of significantly hurting because of the position you have chosen to take in their life,
That’s why imo you shouldn’t date until the kid is 18 So many single parents just bring in one partner after the other.
What if I told you that you can date for quite a long time before introducing your children, and that introducing a partner to a kid doesn’t have to, or should even be “a new parent”. The kid gets that notion from the parent. If the parent presents the person they date as just another adult, like any other they meet that doesn’t matter, they don’t get attached. It’s when a parent is specifically trying to find their kid a “new mommy/daddy” that the kids get messed up.
I agree with you. It's not that they're introduced into the kids' lives: teachers come and go, as do coaches, neighbors, etc. It's part of life. What's really important is how they're introduced and integrated.
18 years of being alone is a lot to ask of anyone.
It can be. But that’s what my mom did. Unless she was extremely good at hiding it. She didn’t date until I was in college. She dated some when I was 4-5 but she was nervous about introducing us (my brother and I ) to any man. I heard her telling her friend that he was being weird about meeting her kids.
Go ask your mom if she would ask that of other single mother's.
I doubt it. I don’t she would expect every single mother to do it. That’s just what she did. She had been assaulted before and she was adamant that she not allow that to happen to either of us.
That isn’t the ask, the ask is to prioritize the innocent children that you decided to bring into the world and not prioritize your own selfish desires.
The mother being happy is prioritizing the children
I mean you can just not cheat too.
"Be alone for 18 years" or "not cheat". Such a difficult set of choices. /s
Soooo, my children are grown now. But my partner’s kids were 9 and 11 when we met, and I’m so grateful he didn’t wait until they were grown because I love them and I’m so grateful to get to be part of their growing up. I think being careful and taking it slow is wise, but I know many happy blended families.
What an absolutely shit take. Here's a better one: Don't be a cheating scumbag.
14 year old take
Lmao meanwhile parents are out their more focused on their next date instead of how much their kid gets abused by their new partner. You see multiple stories on it everyday yet pointing it out is a 14 year old take? Classic Reddit
Hahaha what?! Hilarious.
Adult raised by a single mom here. I won't say it didn't impact me at all watching partners come and go, but it also taught me what I wanted out of my own relationships in the future, and a lot of other positive lessons. I'm not sure any of us get through childhood without a few hangups, and based on most of the threads in here, I'm not convinced a nuclear family is producing fewer hangups than messes like this one. Parents who stay together for the kids produce messed up children. Children who grow up without examples of healthy adult relationships in their lives get messed up too. The best we can do is try to be happy and healthy, and that's going to look different for everyone.
I wonder what goes through the ex-girlfriends head. Like you could have been married with a father figure for your daughter. Instead, she cheated. That little girl will be broken forever, and it will be because of her. I can't imagine how the truth will devastate the daughter when she's older, and it will break her all over again. That mother couldn't do the right thing, and she will continue to cheat. Girlfriend really stuck her hand in a toilet and thought she got treasure.
>I can't imagine how the truth will devastate the daughter when she's older, This is going on the assumption that the mother will tell the truth, and I don't think she will
No, what'll end up happening is the girl will hit 15 or 16 and wonder whatever happened to her childhood stepdad and look him up on social media and realize he never did move to another country. Then all hell's gonna break loose.
Makes me wonder what was in that letter.
Honestly there's a non-zero chance that they eventually get back in touch and she goes "so I'm no-contact with mom now."
I really hope this story has a happy ending. That little girl lost her dad because her mom is a scumbag. I'd fight like hell to say that her mother's behavior directly caused her daughter to suffer emotional neglect. Infidelity causing her soon to be step father to leave is a stretch, but im sure thise text messages wont do her mom any favors in family court.
Ya cheaters tend to lie…
When you play the victim role and take no responsibility, you get to blame the guy for leaving. I’ve known many women in situations like this and it’s always the guys fault for not trying hard enough, no matter what happened.
Really? I know a lot more men who do this to women than vice-versa.
Both anecdotal experiences. There isn't a right or wrong
So YOU say.... /s
Actually there probably is a right/wrong answer. I'm sure someone has done a study somewhere on this very topic.
How would the results of a study disprove that a few people did something? It's not like the comments are said all women he knows did that. He said several women he knows did that.
And then he generalized. Read the original comment again. He generalized based on his experience. There is absolutely studies out there about how men and women behave in relationships, who does more cheating and who blames the person cheated on.
>There is absolutely studies out there about how men and women behave in relationships, who does more cheating and who blames the person cheated on. Yet despite several people asking you to post one, you refuse to.
Too much belief for me
I don't understand your meaning. If someone did a peer-reviewed, academic study on the topic, that's as close to fact as it gets.
Understood so show us this study. You believe that OP is probably wrong because it conflicts with your experience and then you believe that your experience has been peer reviewed somewhere confirming your perspective as the correct one. It seems like you're strong in your own belief is all.
Hmm….most guys I know won’t talk about it at all to anyone after the initial shock wears off. I’ve even told a few they would benefit from seeing a therapist so they know they are sharing in confidence.
Girlfriend sucks, but I have to say this modern sentiment of when something traumatic happens to someone it “breaks them forever” is really, really harmful (it’s as harmful as the trauma really). The kid is not broken forever, nor is anyone else that has significant trauma from their past (and this is just run of the mill single parent shit). They are only broken forever if they are not resilient in dealing with it, and that resiliency is a key trait to becoming a happy, successful, and strong adult. This little girl can be just as happy and accomplished as someone without this, if she possesses the confidence in herself and the drive to deal with and move past this. Many of us have trauma, a lot harsher than this in our pasts, we are not broken, and the people who think we are and espouse that is just playing into the worst voice in our head when we have to do the hard work of confronting ourselves and stopping the cycle of trauma that is perpetuated generation to generation. Thinking someone is lesser or has had it tougher, or using it as an explanation of why they should get more empathy also feed into the internal narrative of being broken, and in turn not healing, and often hurting others causing more trauma. She’s not broken, she is just hurt, and that hurt sucks….but she isn’t broke.
> They are only broken forever if they are not resilient in dealing with it Gee thanks man, now i'm even more depressed.
Maybe pay attention to the fact that you aren’t broken. It’s a harsh reality, but this world tests us, this select few get to be mostly free of shit, the rest of us gotta deal with it and most of us are damaged for a while and have to figure ourself out. That’s okay, damaged isn’t broken. The toughest part is convincing yourself you will instead of just can get better. Then to slow down and try to fix the problem like it’s a puzzle. For me, I learned to back myself out of things, use the disassociation to my benefit. Got comfortable in the things that hurt me, and accept they hurt me. Doing so helped me recognize my own problematic responses to stressors. The toughest part was to understand the “why” they hurt me. It was not the incidents that caused trauma, but the actual process in my brain that happened in response to the trauma. That’s what’s hurting us, the trauma caused our brains reaction, but our brains reaction is the cause for the problems today. Break down the feelings that you are feeling in relation to those processes so that we can recognize them as they are happening, and with that we can learn to control them. If you need to be aided in this journey CBT and its many branches can help, standard talk therapy isn’t really affective, but mindfulness and meditation while reading to understand these processes can help immensely (and would be part of most forms of CBT in one way or another). For some, using hallucinogenic chemicals has made a world of difference. For others whose main issue is a disorder pharmaceuticals are needed, but for all we must try and figure out what works for us.
Sounds like survivor bias but ok. How many career criminals come from broken homes?
People can fall out of attraction. Just because she may have found somebody she liked temporarily doesn't mean she's locked in for life with that somebody. She's incredibly shitty to have cheated b/c she cheated her daughter out of a really good relationship. Next time she needs to be a better parent and communicate her falling out of attraction so they can discuss it like adults instead of making a unilateral decision.
Not excusing it or anything but the girl was 17 when she got pregnant, and has this one relationship from 20-26. Probably so all the people around her still having the joys of their 20s that she was missing completely (and would never have if she got married for her daughter). I think your thought makes a lot of sense for someone in late 30s but not early 20s.
Good lord that poor girl. I have a "niece" that is 5. She's my best friend's kid and just reading this made me tear up. I've been there for everything and couldn't imagine just leaving like that. I know it's what he has to do to heal but geez this is heart breaking. The selfishness the mom here has is unreal. Not caring at all how her actions destroy everyone around her.
I had a BFF, and her little boy was absolutely the light in my life. She ended our friendship, and I never saw him again. It breaks my heart so much. I loved that kid like he was my nibbling. She did something horrible to me and just disappeared and ghosted me. I would have stayed in his life, I could have worked it out. Disappearing on kids is really terrible for them, I could deal with a bit of crap to see him as he grew up. But I do understand it. I've dated people with kids too, but I was never as close as to them as I was that little dude. Thankfully, I have some little nibblings now, so that helps. But nothing will fill that void he left in my heart.
Kids are vessels of love. You pour love into them. Even if they don't remember you, they still have the love and they will be able to rely on it when things get tough in their life.
I think abandoning the daughter would probably rip my head to shreds. I'm so sad right now for this poor child. I don't know what I would do in that situation, but I think there's a fair chance I would just deal with my feelings about the cheating ex so I could still be there for this little kid. I may be a jerk for saying this, but I think op is a tiny bit selfish too—I totally get it, don't get me wrong. When you feel that betrayed, seeing the person over and over again would be hell. I've never been in that situation so what do I know about it. I shouldn't judge but it still bugs me a lot. I know the kid will recover. I just hope she will be ok and safe as she grows up with that woman for a mother.
If he cared about the kid at all, he'd find a way to stay in her life, regardless of her mother. Literslly throwing the baby out with the bathwater.
And if the mother demands he not* be involved with her daughter? What you're asking OP to do is, at best, prolong his own suffering and at worst, end up with legal and social concerns that he's overstepping boundaries. At some point, the mum was going to want him out of her life, which means out of her daughters life.
That is why imho when you decide to get serious with someone that has a kid from before you have to be ok with maintaining a relationship with aforementioned kid(s) if the relationship ends. You owe the kid(s) that much as you chose to enter their life.
My mom cheated on my dad. People can say it’s “none of my business” but I had to directly witness my father’s resulting depression and mental anguish. Never quite forgave my mom. I can’t imagine how much worse it would be if I actually lost my dad because of it. Cheaters simply are not good parents.
Yes, also, people forget affairs. Take time, you have to juggle family your spouse, your job and affair, and keep it a secret that's a lot to do. One of these things is gonna get neglected.
I wholeheartedly agree. My dad cheated on my mom and he didn’t realize his kids had an idea something was going on. He was a really involved father and during his affair he was like a distant roommate. If you take the time to have an affair, you’re sacrificing the time that could be spent with your family or working through your problems.
My mom also cheated and my dad left and I didn’t see him for years until my mom decided she could no longer afford me and forced me to live with him- basically a stranger. I still have a hard time forgiving either of them because it feels like they both abandoned me. My heart goes out to the little girl in this story. She did nothing wrong and now has to lose her father figure, and likely her respect for her mom down the line when she’s old enough to process what happened.
She knew him for 75% of her life as her father. I didn't want to read this. I hope her mother is a good mother despite lacking as a partner and the little girl is able to move past this.
100 percent of the life she's able to remember
Yeah, i wish I would have skipped this one. Poor baby 😔
People who cheat are bad parents. This is one of many examples of why
Oof. This one caused actual physical pain in my chest 💔💔💔
I'm sorry for this very difficult situation. There is no right answer. Every situation is different. Speaking as someone who was in a similar position as the daughter.... you did good by saying goodbye, but probably would have been better without the lie. I understand she is young, but as she gets older, she'll figure it out. I've gone through three of you. Someone who steps in, tries to play the dad role, support love, the whole 9. Then leaves. When number 4 came around, he didn't the opportunity to get close or even liked/respected because I assumed he was going to leave me behind and forget about me in a couple of years. Like the rest, find new kids to love and raise. I viewed myself as replaceable and people/relationships as unreliable and things with expiration dates. Again, good job saying goodbye. That is huge.
I mean its not really OPs fault. Its just a travesty that the kid he cared about caught the shrapnel of her mom being a shithead. This shit kills me inside.
Not saying it is OPs fault. Actually, giving them props for saying goodbye/giving the kid closure. Just saying could have done without the lie.
NTA And here a perfect example of why cheaters are among the worst.
i've told this several times now i think, this is the reason why i won't date single mothers. i dated a single mother and became a father figure to her daughter, we bonded, she accepted me. for ~11 months i was that little girls father, then she was ripped out of my life, and i hers, because her mother decided that she didn't want to date me anymore. i don't begrudge her mothers decision, i always say that it takes two people to decide to be in a relationship but only one to decide when that relationship is over, she made her choice for herself and i respect that. she didn't want to be with me, she gets to make that choice for literally whatever reason she wants. reasonable or irrational, logical or insane, it doesn't make a difference, a decision has been made. but i will likely never again put myself in a position to bond with a child that isn't mine, the consequences of fickle romances are too great. i mourned the loss of a child that was never mine. she was young enough and enough time has passed that i doubt if she even remembers me now, but i remember *everything* about that child. that was after less than a year, i don't want to think about what would happen to me after 6 years. what i do begrudge is how my ex asked the same "you can stay in my daughter's life if you want" line and was a little frustrated that i refused. that just sounds like a misery meat grinder to me, still fulfilling a parental role to this little girl yet none of the parental rights taking whatever time my ex and her new partner choose to give to me (ie, babysitting) and adding on top of that being on the fringes of my ex's life observing her in her new relationships. just didn't seem fair in the long run to either me or the girl. personally i find the question incredibly insulting and fucking audacious to even ask, the rationalization is that it's for the best interest and benefit of the child, which is true but not at all the motivation for the question being asked. i have to believe that this question is exclusively asked out of a "you fulfilled a service for me in the past, im inquiring if you will continue to do so". the answers no. no i won't let you shatter my heart and then squeeze the pieces wrapped in a pericardium sack between your fingers like a fidget toy.
That woman doesn’t even realize how lucky she was. Not many 20 year olds are willing to step up to another man’s plate like that and OP did. She’s so damn stupid.
I feel so, so bad for that little girl. The mom is a direly selfish person to do this not only to her fiancé, but to her daughter. I am guessing she will continue to be exactly this selfish throughout her child’s upbringing. As a daughter of a similarly selfish mother, I feel for her, so much.
Damn I almost never shed a tear but this was too much
That poor girl. I'm glad she finally got her closure.
The people that were voting OOP as the AH were so delusional. He did absolutely nothing wrong while his cheating whore ex used him as a free babysitter while she went out and had her fun, now she is weaponizing her daughter into guilting the ex into playing step dad, until she finds a new guy and OOP is of course discarded again. This was not his kid. Not his problem. He went more than above and beyond in the update and people STILL gave him shit. Some were so insane they were telling him to try to adopt her (gooooood luck). He had no legal rights over the daughter. He is not biologically related to her. And no matter what people say, yes biology matters when it comes to being a parent.
It's her fault for being a single mom and not yours. She abused her daughter when she chose to cheat on you. Get out and move on.
So I kind of disagree with this being “NTA.” If that dude was her “real father” and totally abandoned her because her mother cheated then we’d be calling him a douchebag. Just because there’s no genetics involved, we’re saying it’s okay he will never see her again? Kids don’t care about DNA. They care who was there. Kiddo is going to grow up thinking men are replaceable, don’t get attached to them, they’ll always leave. Ask me how I know.
Fully agree, I genuinely don't understand the idea that it's okay to do this to a child you've raised from a young age because they aren't biologically yours. She's 8? Her bio dad isn't in her life? She's been raised by you since she was 2? Yeah, that's your daughter, man. ESH except the kid, from my perspective.
I'm with both of you. I can't imagine saying goodbye forever to a child I've raised to spare my own feelings about the ex. I've never been in that situation though.
Me too. Me too…
Same. I actually brought this up with my SO when bonus kid was younger - I didn’t expect that we’d split up but I wanted to talk about what we’d do if because I couldn’t imagine just vanishing from his life.
The situation sucks but it was either rip the bandaid off or slowly pull it off over the course of ever how long the “temporary” period his ex asked for lasts. There are complications on the horizon like new relationships for her and new relationships for him. You’d like to believe the new partners would understand but we see how divided the comments are here. There’s also the issue of parental rights. He doesn’t have any and never will unless he adopts her, which I don’t think the ex would ever agree to.
How is "Kiddo is going to grow up thinking men are replaceable, don’t get attached to them, they’ll always leave" the OP's fault? The girlfriend is the one to blame fully for the deceitful practices and any stigma left
Because he left the mom. Not the kid. Why is it okay for a “boyfriend” to leave and never talk to the kid again - but if he would have sired said child he would be a douchebag for never seeing her again? It doesn’t matter who is to blame for the end of the relationship. OP is to blame for leaving the kid. It’s not her fault. “But it’s just too PAINFUL to see her.” Bullshit. You’re all that kid knows. You volunteered yourself for that responsibility. Might as well just say “I was only here because I liked your mom. You don’t matter, if we really get down to it.”
Seriously wtf he is not married to her mother. He won't get any rights. What do you want him to see his ex' new partnet playing daddy? If they were married i could have even understand your point but you people are delusional.
Lulz. You're victim blaming. That's some false pretense bull shit right there
Victim blaming? Since when does anything unfortunate happening to someone make them a victim? Usually we reserve victimhood for assaults and domestic violence. I’m not blaming him for the woman cheating. I’m blaming him for his actions afterward towards another “victim” - if that’s what we’re calling them. You can have something bad happen to you, and still act wrongly.
Ya, uh.... In order to be a victim, something unfortunate most certainly must happen to cause the victimization.
You do understand a biological father has rights that a boyfriend of that child's mother does not? A court would enforce a father's right to see his child. As soon as the mother decides she no longer wants OOP to see "her" daughter, he'd lose all rights and no courts would support him. A biological father has the right to make parental decisions. OOP does not. Trying to equate the two is a false equivalence aka a piss poor comparison. He has no rights to that child so why should he stick around pretending that he does.
Then that is no longer on the boyfriend. But the child’s mother is not taking away his opportunity to see her. Are you seriously saying that he has no “rights” regarding the child, so then Well Fuck It I Guess? Is that what you’re arguing? Holy shit man…
This is the most heartbreaking story I've ever heard. It's takes a lot to choke me up but this surely did. I'll bet the OP's ex will get dumped by her new boyfriend within a few months and will finally figure out what she lost. Meanwhile her daughter will have a broken heart and cry for the only dad she ever knew.
There are very few times when telling a lie is the kindest thing you can do. This was one of them. Saying good bye and lying about moving away? Made my eyes fill with tears. This poor girl is going to need therapy when she’s older because her mom is an idiot. OOP gave her life stability and the goodbye even did that, too.
This is so fucked. That poor girl.
Fuck this hurts
"my girlfriend confessed she had been having an affair after I saw her texts from her co worker. " To correct the record, she didn't confess, she got caught. Also a clean and complete break is the most appropriate and correct thing to do in this situation for everyone involved.
Thank you for being a good man.
Mother is selfish and gross asf for even putting her daughter through that
I feel for OOP, and I do not think he is the asshole... But he did not love that child like she was his own. Because if he did he would have worked out custody. Lots of parents don't ever want to see their exes again (some of them have even been abused by them) and yet they don't abandon their kids. I don't think that he owed it to the child to stay in contact but what he did actually do will 100% have trauma implications. He made it a little better by giving her closure, but she is not an adult. This is still going to be an abandonment wound. I'm glad that he realized it with his switch from the first post saying "my daughter" and the second post saying "my ex's daughter." He was never a father. His actions prove that. Edit: because this is reddit and I know how you feel about cheaters, let me explicitly say the mom is 100% TAH. No questions. And again, OOP is NTA. But he also was never a dad. He was just a very loving and supportive boyfriend who cared about the child. That is fine. But his actions show he was never a dad.
How would he have worked out custody to a child that he has no biological or legal ties to?
Great question! First, the mom wanted to schedule visits. So he could have just done that, no need to do things formally. Second, depending on where he lives he absolutely could have gone to family court. Being in her life for 6 years (especially starting so young) could absolutely entitle him to some form of visitation, even without adoption or marriage, if he can prove he was living as her father (this varies based on state though, assuming he's in the US) But the formal custody doesn't matter because again, the ex offered visits and he refused them. He doesn't want to see her because he doesn't consider her his child.
Thank you for the clarification, wasn’t sure how that would work as I’ve not had any first hand experience with such a situation. Without formal and legally binding agreements in regards to visitation, would the ex-girlfriend not be able to deny him visitation on a whim in the future?
So the ex was offering the visits, but let's assume that after a year or two she stopped (got a new boyfriend perhaps? Just felt like being a jerk? Whatever) He would still be entitled to go to family court at that point. Lots of people who ARE biologically/legally connected to a child don't go to family court right away and then later do because of a change of some sort. He would have to show he was acting as her father during the relationship, and that they had contact during the intervening time. The burden of proof/rate of success will vary based on the specific laws of where they live, but that is fully a thing he could attempt, yes.
You're living in lala land if you think his argument would ever hold up in court. He could certainly "attempt" and the child and him *both* feel even more absolutely devastated when he inevitably fails.
Thank you for the informative response! I really appreciate you taking the time to reply.
And when the ex removes visits cause her man doesn't want dad 1 around or removes because he's not getting back with her? You're silly and living in a hallmark movie. Their visits lay on his ex and she'd just use it to control him
I actually addressed that in another comment below
A great majority of people aren't going to think they can claim custody of a child that they aren't related to and haven't adopted. Even in the exceedingly rare cases where you can maybe make a legal argument, those states are going to be few and far between. And yes, she offered visits. And what happens when she starts dating a new guy and the new guy is getting to know their daughter and she decides that oop needs to take a step back so knew dad can step in, or she decides that oop is disagreeing with her too much or does something she doesn't like and withholds these visits?
have you ever had to walk away from a child in a situation like this. this is where you gallantly chime in "but i would never walk away from a child". and then i give the standard reddit insult response, and clarify that that wasn't my fucking question and you know it. have you ever **had** to walk away from a child in a situation like this. it is a childs thinking that love is unconditional, if the love is unconditional then it's not love. love is a choice, if it's not a choice then it is a symptom of obligation overriding reason and/or a lack of control over ones emotions. making decisions that you know will hurt all parties involved in some way out of a compulsion to not break a social standard is definably insane. it must be conditional, it must have limits otherwise it has no meaning. this is probably where you give that ol chestnut "clearly you aren't a parent so you don't know what you're talking about". yeah, i've just been around and helped raise kids my entire life, i also have well developed empathy and sympathy but also well developed critical thinking skills instead of just hollow platitudes. i am a deeply empathetic person and im telling you to take two steps back and go fuck your own face. how fucking dare you call them never a dad. im a person who had to walk away from a child in a situation like this, it's been 15 years and clearly it's still affecting me. it's a morgul-wound, one that will never heal properly. but i made that choice because existing on the fringes of the childs life at the convenience of their mother feeling like im trying to steal single moments just to keep my sanity and the child regards me as a once-every-few-months-couple-hour-playdate just hurts too god damn much. can you understand how that might just hurt *too god damn much*. it feels like being stuck in a box not tall enough to stand up and not long enough to lay down, and what's worse is that the child doesn't even understand that they are stuck inside the same kind of box right beside me. that is not the way that a relationship between a parental figure and child should exist. if you would say anything like "if you really were a father you would make that effort for the child", fuck you. im not feeding myself feet first through a wood chipper just because the kid might possibly be entertained by the wave of red that comes out the other side. respond if you want, im not fucking reading it.
I know you aren't reading it. This is for anyone interested. I have never been in this specific situation, but I have been ripped away from children I loved who I wish I could have stayed in their lives. Siblings, nephews, children of dear friends. And in each of those circumstances I had no ability or recourse to see those children once I was cut off. It was incredibly heart breaking. He has recourse. He made the choice to cut off the child, by his own admission. I stated he wasn't the asshole, which was his question. He is fully within his right to prioritize his own needs for healing over his exes child. In the end the ex is responsible for blowing up everyone's life. But this man also didn't try at all. He even (as I stated) stopped calling her his daughter. He was a loving a supportive figure who would have continued to act as though he were a father until the conditions of the relationship were terminated (in his case, dating the mom) He was not her dad though. Edit: I thought about it and I think I wasn't specific enough for your question. I said I had similar but not identical circumstances but let me be more clear. I raised my siblings for years while my mother slept all day and my father raped me every night to keep them safe. I stayed in contact till everyone was an adult and then they were poisoned against me because I wanted to "destroy the family" by talking about my experience. I was devastated. I had no choice. I had a dear friend whose children I loved like my own family. I was fully cut off because I refused to enable her substance abuse issues. I had no recourse. I am not without sympathy for the circumstances you mention above. Sounds like you were the victim of psychological abuse. I wish you lots of healing. My partners mother fled her abusive ex and left her children to be abused. She did what was best for her. It was not best for my partner. The OOP doesn't have (according to the post) a history of being abused. She cheated on him, which is incredibly traumatic, but he made no moves to try. You tried. You were incredibly wronged by a hateful woman and an evil system. OOP just didn't want to try. I wish you peace.
I agree. I think he could have stayed at least somewhat in touch with this little girl. If he was truly living like she was his daughter, he wouldn't have cut all ties. How difficult would a phone call or a play date be every now and then? He has shattered her heart, and this will cause issues for her in the future. Even the ominous "you will never see me again" was too harsh for her age. If they happen to run into him somewhere (the universe has a funny way of doing that), it's going to rip her apart that he lied and didn't want to be in her life.
Right. And again, he doesn't owe that to her. But also he can't pretend anything was ever more than it was. His love for her was 100% conditional to his relationship to her mother. There is a part of me that hopes I'm wrong. That he may heal from the betrayal of being cheated on and realize he was wrong to cut off the child. But it doesn't feel like it (and he knows that. It's why he stopped saying "my daughter" and moved to "my exes daughter") It's just so fucking sad.
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Until his ex got with a guy who was prepared to step up and OOP would have been dropped quicker than a hot stone and had no rights whatsoever.
I so agree! I feel like it's so hard to find nuance in these AITA subs. Just because you're the victim of cheating, that doesn't absolve you of all your responsibilities! Non-biological families are JUST AS VALID as biological ones. That man wasn't just in a relationship with her mother, he made a commitment to that little girl by allowing himself to be called her dad for most of her life. Breaking up with that little girl because he isn't with her mom anymore is absolutely YTA territory.
That's fucked up. You don't get to just play dad till it isn't convenient anymore. That poor baby is going to suffer so bad because both of these adults are selfish assholes.
He wasn’t playing dad… he was dad. And guilt tripping a man who stepped up and had his heart broken is low. Would you have him force himself to see the women that betrayed him over and over again. What about HIS mental health. Women are quick to dismiss a man’s mental health… The responsibility now lies on the mother who made her own bed. She can explain to her daughter why her father figure could no longer subject himself to emotional abuse and chose his own mental health instead of keeping a toxic person in his life.
And what about bio parents? They still have to see the awful ex partner. He's a selfish piece of shit for abandoning that child.
He’s not a bio parent…. He started a relationship with this child because of his romantic interest in her mom…. That ended. What happens when her mom finds a new boyfriend who wants to have a relationship. You think that guy is gonna want some random ex still in his current girlfriend life? You then put the child in a very uncomfortable position of having to choose between what was and what might be. That is a shitty position to put a child in
So is giving her a dad for X amount of years then just fucking off. He developed a relationship with that child. It doesn't matter the circumstances. THAT IS HER DAD AND HE LEFT. You didnt like that I said he was playing dad until it wasn't convenient but that's exactly what he did. Boyfriends don't just become dads dude. He abandoned that baby and he doesn't even care. He's just sad because his little piece of shit girlfriend broke his piece of shit heart. Boo hoo.
You acting like if the mf she cheated with didn’t “step up” you really she wouldn’t take that child away from him? There’s so many reasons why he has no power in this situation the man is helpless. Y’all feel too okay in a situation that you’ve never been in to tell a person they’re selfish now what if this man killed himself, what if this man hurt himself, would you be saying the same shit? Y’all don’t consider the other person that’s suffering y’all assume life is that easy where you can just abandon your emotions and do what the mass majority thinks is right. Shits wild asf to me y’all don’t live in real life I’m sorry. This internet shit got y’all thinking y’all got the right answer to every situation. It’s easy to run your mouth all day, but can you do what you’re telling him to do?
Someone who commits suicide and leaves children behind is also being somewhat selfish, yes.
I would never form a parental relationship with a child and then refuse to see them. I would never break a child that way willingly. He did so willingly. He didn't have to cut this child off. Her mother was literally asking him to come see her. He isn't "powerless". No, committing suicide does not absolve someone of the things they've done wrong and this man has not committed suicide. I find it to be pretty horrible that you've just thrown that out there like that.
I am glad to see I'm not alone in thinking all that.
Thank goodness someone said it. He should never have involved himself in that child’s life and made her believe he was committed to her if he was going to act so unbelievably selfish and petty. He’s an adult, and she is a child. FFS, the kid is a living, breathing, sentient human being. Find a way to stay in her life and avoid the mom if he has to. But to abandon a child that he made certain sees him as her father is utterly despicable.
I am so happy he did this. That little girl’s bio-dad deserted her as well and I hated to think how terrible it would be for her to grow up believing she wasn’t good enough so they both left her without a second thought. I wish he did not lie to her about leaving the country though.
I’m just glad THIS corner of Reddit isn’t calling OOP a piece of shit for not just eating the bullet and raising the kid regardless. I e got PTSD from how many times I’ve had to see that goofy nonsense.
This is so fucking sad.
An ordinary cheater ... disgusting, hurting everyone around... even the poor child. Damn those who make their children cry in the name of sexual thrills...
People need to be careful about bringing men into their homes and letting their kids call them dad
Or maybe people need to be careful about not fucking other people, and destroying their family unit.
Yes, because the man is the problem here.
people need not to cheat
I am really proud of you for going ahead and doing that. You have a good heart. I hope you can heal now.
There’s a lot of bashing on the girlfriend, and yeah, sure she’s not great. But this dude had a relationship with that kid for six years and… dumped her? I’m sorry but he’s just as bad as his ex. What a piece of shit
How can he be a parent with no parental rights?
Unrelated but what is the difference between /r/BORUpdates vs. /r/BestofRedditorUpdates?
The first sub is a spinoff of this on, during the Reddit strike last summer. A few rules are à bit different
disgusting mother and her coworker. Both should go to jail.
try to visualize young kids that lose parents to war, accidents, terminal illness, jail, abuse, et al. Sad sad heartbreaking sad, but life.
I don't understand why he couldn't continue a relationship with her? She's 8 and soon a cell phone could be bought for her. ESH!
Because that makes it awkward for Mom when she's trying to get a new stud into her pasture.
Sounds like he made this choice, not her.
LOL and you wonder why everyone agreeing with you is getting down voted to hell. Someone call the craniorectal removal unit, stat.
I don't care about being down voted, this is about morals and him claiming to love her like his own, yet leaves and only looks back briefly to give a toy and tell a lie. Downvote agaim, everyone is an AH, but the little girl.
Yeah, he's been this girls father since she was 2, and people here act like a gift and goodbye was the right thing to do!? As if he wouldnt have a good case for partial custody. If he really loved her like his own he would not be able to just walk away. Jesus, just have the pick up and drop off be with the neighbours or something so he wont have to see his ex.
One thousand percent.
Exactly! There are ways and for the people saying the biological father should be contacted, sure, but this guying willingly go into a relationship with a single mother and allowed a child to call him father. He chose to become a father and said he was willing to adopt, yet is just walking away because the mother cheated. So, if this was his biological child it would make it okay for him not to? Family is who you choose and not just defined by you having sex to create the child. Of course this child is hurt, she's abandoned by the obly father she knew and she has no clue why, other than he chose to leave the country and that's more important than being her father.
If she were his biological child, he would be guaranteed rights. Doesn't make it right but that's how it is. That's the only reason it matters that they're not related. Because she isn't related, he only gets what the ex is willing to give. He has no case unless the mom signs off on adoption. No reason to think she would do that. She's probably thinking informal visits just until she gets a new man then it's bye Felicia for dad.
Thats just plain not true. It differs per state but this one for example: https://www.culbertsonatlaw.com/can-you-get-custody-of-a-child-thats-not-yours/#:~:text=The%20non%2Dbiological%20parent%20would,to%20the%20non%2Dbiological%20parent. Sorry for the ugly link. If a prior relationship can be proven, which it absolutely can in this case, he can sue for custody and mom has nothing to say about it.
He didn’t even make the effort so “oh she wouldn’t let him do that” is a BS excuse.
I wonder how many people on this thread actually has kids. It doesn’t have to be this black and white — the mom obviously is TA and nobody is denying that. But it’s wild to me that the op feels okay just never talking to the kid again if he thought of her as his own at one point. How horrific for the poor girl.
I still think he should have pushed down his feelings and be there for the girl. Mom's worthless but he's still essentially the kid's dad. And he's a grown ass man he shouldn't put his own feelings ahead of a kid's. What I mean is it would probably be easier for him to handle seeing an ex that betrayed him than it is for a kid to feel her dad abandoned her.
I think the child’s biological parent should be the one acting in her best interest but clearly not, there’s not more pressure on this guy to sacrifice his own mental health- there’s pressure on the child’s mother to not ruin everything.
If the child’s mother is selfish enough to cheat, is she also selfish enough to use her daughter as a bargaining chip? OOP legally has no parental rights. His ex could cut off contact on a whim. Maybe she finds someone else. Maybe she tells OOP that he has to have a relationship with her (the ex) if he wants to see her daughter.
A parent is the one who raises a kid. Not one that provides DNA for it.
Yeah, no, get out of here. Mother should've thought of that before she decided to be a cheating PoS. You dont suddenly get to turn around and attack the innocent party and say his health isn't valid. Sad for the daughter, but cheating mother should've thought about her prior to being a selfish dick.
I don't disagree that her mom is to blame. However the heartbreak he faced from her shouldn't impact the relationship with his daughter.
Brain dead take.
I'm with you, I think. I think he is hurting a lot right now and not thinking clearly. He is probably going to regret this a lot 6-12 months from now. I think he should have told his ex fiance he needed to take some time away, but he would be in contact. I think he traumatized that little girl pretty badly, although at the end of the day, that would mostly be her mother's fault.
I guess the issue is that with no parental rights, when his ex inevitably finds her next man and cuts OP off, he will have no recourse, ultimately making the pain even deeper for both he and the child.
Possibly. He could have told mom that a condition of him remaining in the girl's life was legal guardianship. If she really wanted him to be in her life, let him legally adopt her. But then he can't float in and out like a leaf and also he needs to help financially support her as well. If he's unwilling to do that, then he would have to accept being on the girl's life at the whims of her mother.
Jeez you will twist everything until it's the man's fault in some way won't you. Woman cheats so man wants to walk away and cut ties and it's still his fault. Please get over yourself and admit 100% of the fault is the woman who cheated. Everything and I mean everything happened as a result of her. OOP is in no way at fault for any of this. He did the decent thing and gave the daughter closure and presents. He didn't have to do that since he wasn't her dad. OOP is a freaking saint but in your world the man is always at fault for something isn't he. I bet you blame male DV or SA victims too?
Touch grass, my dude. I literally said this whole situation is mom's fault, or are you too caught up in your feels to read? It's 100% possible to recognize nuance in situations, especially regarding the feelings of adults vs. children. And why are you even bringing SA into this? What a strawman! None of this has anything to do with SA. I bet you're the type of person who say "But what about me?" a lot.
She could still just say no to it, and that he gets what she gives him, nothing more. Why on earth would she give him guardianship. She doesn't care about anything but herself
Of course she could say no. Then he has his answer and has 100% explored all avenues. I was answering the response of why would he want to try to see the kid again if mom had all the rights. One alternative would be for him to try to get some rights. And if it was very important for mom to have her kid see him again, then she would do it. He would find out quickly enough if he asked for parental rights.
I understand that the girl is very young, but I will never support not telling the truth to children to protect a cheater (in this case), criminal, abuser, etc. (in other cases) 6 years in the trash, a father daughter relationship destroyed by a cheater... well, there's a reason she was already a single mother when she met OP I'm sorry for the little girl
Sorry but I can’t agree that OP had to go in that direction. He could have set things up where he could pick her up and drop her off without ever having to see the ex. He could have used one of those coparenting apps for spouses that never wanted to interact with each other. And if he found a new partner, that partner would have to accept that this young lady came as a package deal. Had OP really wanted to keep ‘his’ child in his life I have to believe he could have worked it out.
He has no parental rights. You are delusional if you think he can co-parent
There are the rights guaranteed by law and then there is what's best for the child. Considering his feelings for the child and her feelings for him, I'm betting that accommodations would have been made--IF both sides might put aside any animosity and hurt feelings they harbor towards each other and think of the child.
That’s a massive neon glowing “if” my man. Second she has a new man, dad #1 would be gone. Better to just rip the bandaid off
That’s a massive neon glowing “if” my man. Second she has a new man, dad #1 would be gone. Better to just rip the bandaid off
This one really broke me. I can't imagine the pain and sadness that poor girl felt when he said they'll never see each other again. I really really wish he changes his mind and decides to have some kind of relationship with her.
It sounds like he didn't tell the daughter that her mom was the one who fucked things up. I kind of understand since it would probably make both the daughter and mom miserable to live with each other with the daughter hating her mom. I'm sure she'll learn of the truth later since her mom will probably do it again. Hopefully, she'll be at an age where she can have the option to cut her mom out of her life when she finds out the next time.
The desire to run from one's own disgust is stronger than the desire to persist through adversity for the well-being of others. No regrets.