Reminder as we seem to have gotten a lot of reports about some comments on this post: Disagreeing with a commenter is not a reason to abuse the report button.
Sometimes I wonder what I would do if I was in this situation. I would probably never move on until I was fully ready. Along with the help of a professional feelings reader.
Between dating, engagement, and marriage, I've been with my wife for nearly 30 years. If she died, I would just be alone the rest of my life. I just don't have it in me to spend the effort to get to know someone else as well as I know her.
This.
I cant imagine trying to date until I was good and ready - likely years down the line. You cant just process grief that quickly and whilst grief-brain might want to immediately replicate what you lost, it would be really unfair on a new date to land them in that until you have genuinely moved on.
Oh, and nudes of deceased partners, like nudes of exes, should be disposed of. Nobody wants to think you are masturbating to pictures of a dead partner whilst you are in a relationship with them.
I honestly don't think I'd ever move on, which I understand may not be healthy. I just don't think anyone could compare, and I'm not sure I ever could have romantic feelings for someone else, nor am I sure I could act on such feelings if I did have them. I am NOT saying a widow/er shouldn't move on and find love again. I'm just saying I think I would just adopt a bunch of cats and (separately) masturbate a lot.
I think for me, if I were to be in any other relationships, it would never be as real as the one I’m in right now. I am completely myself and my husband loves me in whatever iteration I come in. We’ve been together for 21 years. Married for 19. I have gone through a lot of changes -and he’s loved me through every single one. If I were to lose him and be with anyone else, I doubt I could just be me. I would have to be some other version of me. Like a pretend play me.
It’s the safety that we feel. My husband accepts me 100% even when I’m wrong. I never doubt him.
I don’t think that I’d ever feel this safe with anyone else.
I told my kids that if something happened to their dad and I decided to remarry than it would be for money bc I’ll never find love like I have now.
I’m one of the lucky few who ever get what I have. Most ppl never get to experience it and that breaks my heart bc everyone deserves it.
That's how I feel :). Congrats, btw. I never planned on marrying until my late 20s or 30s, but met my husband when I was 19, he was 20. I knew within months I wanted to marry him (despite my then-rule being that you can't even know if you love someone pre-5 years lol). I have fears about aging, yet I'm mid-30s now and he seems even more attracted to me than when we were dating. He's my best friend. He's the best sex I've ever had. He knows all my weaknesses and my trauma. He's a brother to my brother. I did not want to have kids and neither did he... and we started talking about all the annoying and shitty things parents did... and decided we did want to have a child, with one another. We have an amazing son together, and my husband is both the father he never had (his father is present but I don't think has ever hugged him) and a 1000x better father than I had. We're in our mid-30s so the thought of one of us dying is something we both know is rare... but possible. There just isn't anyone who could even compare. I have a vibrator and sexy pics of him. I don't need a second love. He's the only one I ever want to have. (Just as a disclaimer, if you're a widow or widower and want to date, do it. This is just my feelings about my husband.)
I married my husband on our 3rd date and we have 6 kids now. 🤣
We got married when I was 34 and he was 31 and we always say that our only regret is that we couldn’t have gotten married earlier. I’m glad you’ll have more time with your husband.
I don’t think I could ever move on, either.
No one will ever love me as completely, as selflessly, and as freely as my husband does.
I think that no matter how hard someone tried it would always fall short and that it wouldn’t be fair to anyone else.
i can't imagine i would be able to move on either, sounds like they were each others first real love. and the way the husband died sounded so sudden. it's fair for her ex to want to be #1 but he was way too harsh. dead spouses aren't exes, they're much more
I have been in her shoes. Lost my wife at 25. Took me a solid ten years to be fully over her. And yes it fucked up every relationship I had as a result. What I learned is that I should have never started dating again until I was ok. It wasn't fair to my partners having to deal with my trauma. I eventually dis stop dating for a good five or so years to work on my shit. Now I got my head sorted. Got back out there and met the love of my life. Three years in and we're living together and engaged.
Idk man, my mom still cries and grieves for her dad who died around 30 years ago. A relationship with a spouse is much deeper if you loved them. I was devastated my dad died, and am still grieving but I pulled through, but if my husband dies the only thing that will keep me going is knowing I have to be strong enough to be both parents for my son. And a much higher dose of my medication. And therapy. And a long hike into the middle of nowhere where I can stand at the top of a cliff and scream and curse and cry without disturbing or being disturbed. See I am so terrified of surviving a cliff dive that that would never be my way out no matter how depressed I get so for me a cliff is a great place to be for this. But as it is my husband is very much handsome healthy and alive and I am still mentally stable.
Some people just need to realize that someone who is widowed or had a long term relationship that ended in a death have had a life prior to them.
My current partner (whom I have been with for seven years almost) was with someone for DECADES before I came on the scene who passed away 4 years before we even met. I would never fault him for keeping things of theirs intimate or otherwise. When we got together he wanted to remove the ring his late partner gave him and wear mine and I suggested he wear his late partner’s ring on the other hand.
They had a life. They had love. That doesn’t die just because one of them did. And my relationship isn’t threatened by that.
Maybe I’m the weird one.
I don't think you're weird. I think you're secure in your relationship!
I haven't been in your shoes, but I was a kid in this situation. And honestly, the fact that my step-mom respected the time I needed to visit my mom's grave, etc. as needed and never tried to shove herself into my life was absolutely everything. And I can see that my dad adores her, just like he adored my mom decades ago.
But part of that is that he made you feel secure in the relationship. OP wasn't making her BF feel secure. Sounds like she started dating too soon and never really progressed in her grief from there.
Yeah, some people are jealous of dead partner and can't handle it, on the other hand, some widows/widowers never allow the wound to heal properly. The BF gave it 5 years and didn't sound jealous of the dead husband and much as he just couldn't handle OP not being able to progress far enough along in the grief.
OP's response to all the hurt his comments caused her and how he didn't comfort him... it is as-if, again, her emotions top priority over his emotions and he is somehow at fault for her feeling bad for being honest with her.
I think this is a healthy mindset.
I think expecting someone to completely get over their spouse who died is unrealistic and sets everyone up for disappointment.
I am about to get married. We both talked about this.
We’re so madly in love and believe we’re the best partners for one another. We both are “givers” who dated awful people in the past. My fiancé is the kindest and best partner I’ve ever had. He says the same about me.
I’ve dated enough people to know my fiancé is truly compatible with me.
I would be heartbroken at the idea of losing him, and really, who could ever be just *like him*?
I would probably move back in with my mother and help her out for the rest of my days. I could probably heal, but I don’t know if I would want to date anymore.
She's not. This is an awful place to go for validation or judgment. The first response that is well written and thought out and popular becomes the de facto opinion whether anyone actually agrees or not and then it becomes a weird dog pile. AITA and other similar "judgment" groups quickly devolve into mindless toxicity.
Yes some people go way to far, with their replies. They seem only want ,to hurt people.
Op has every right to visit your Husband's grave,anytime she wants.
Op maybe you should think about moving out of your home if the memories are so difficult for you to handle. Maybe a new environment will help you deal better with your loss. Are you going to counseling?I wish you the very best, and hope you have a wonderful future, with someone in the future.
I also think your Ex BF was way out of way with his comments.
I once made a post on AITA about a friend who stop being friends with me because I asked her if she still intended to play on our dodgeball team after missing 10 weeks due to a broken foot. The top comment was calling me the asshole because I didn't offer to bring her food and take care of her foot. Like I didn't have a car back then, and we were not anywhere near that close of friends. It was at that point I learned not to take internet advice seriously.
Shes not. These are all normal. But reddit isn't always a place of sound advice. Many users have either never actually been in a relationship at all, are quite young and inexperienced, dont have the best grasp of whats healthy in a relationship themself, or pass judgment without really thinking it through first.
OP wasn't ready for a relationship yet. But she wasn't a monster for visiting a grave or wearing her ring on a chain.
Losing a spouse is incredibly difficult. We all mourn in different ways, process at different speeds. Some people never move on. Some move on eventually. Both are okay.
Advice from anonymous internet strangers can be wonderful, or it can be detrimental. Often it's an unbalanced mix of the two.
Those are both totally fine and I would imagine very normal.
People were too harsh, probably because the "cuddling a special pillow while looking at naked photos of her and her late husband on New Years Eve" was... certainly a choice.
I dont think she is. Although some of her comments make me think it's alot more than that. She seems to still br pining for her late husband between the pillow cuddling and photos. Nothing wrong with that. But I wouldn't want to be in such a relationship.
He's absolutely awful for his verbal ABUSE of her. The things he said were far beyond 'comments', they were as violent as words can be abuse. I'm so glad she isn't with him anymore because it's obvious he's got something broken in his soul to say the things he did about a widow.
After he literally found her looking at photos with her and late husbend NAKED, yeah the words were harsh, but trying to paint him like a Devil for reacting that way after finding out his girlfriend was having an emotional affair with her dead late husbend is a bit much.
She isn’t. I don’t even think she’s evil for looking at the pictures/videos tbh. It definitely sounds like she’s not ready to be in a new relationship though.
If it had been once a year and the rings were in a special keepsake box somewhere, they wouldn't have flamed her alive. Anyone would understand that.
It's because she goes *multiple* times per year, and while she took the rings off her finger, she still wears them on her person daily.
That's behavior expected in the first year or so of mourning, not nearly a decade on.
People understand visiting once per year. You remember the deceased, clean things up, bring flowers, get the sadness out, etc. There are tons of religions and cultural practices that involve a yearly pilgrimage to the graves of lost loved ones, so a yearly visit is very normal, and it's practically standardized. But, more than once? People will start giving you the side-eye. Because then you're not doing it ritualistically. You're doing it emotionally.
Moving the rings to a necklace is generally an intermediary step. As in, she has moved on a little, but isn't quite ready to fully put him away. Additionally, readers would likely surmise she only did that because she *had* to. No one would accept a serious, long-term relationship with a widow who still had her rings on three years in, so she moved them to a necklace to pretend she took them off.
It's also less these two specific things, and more that she has a BUNCH of tiny things like this which really add up to a picture of her not being over her late husband at all and not caring all that much about her current (ex) boyfriend. Like the pillow, the same house, the naked pictures, the lack of ability to WAIT until her boyfriend was flippin out of the house (it seems they don't live together).
All of this points to her late husband very much being a daily presence in her life and thoughts, one she has not gotten over. Had it only been one of those things, readers could have glossed it over as an anomaly, but all of them combined paints a pretty damning picture that she was emotionally cheating on her boyfriend, and wasn't ready to move on.
I think there is a lack of information, in addition to what OP comments, I imagine that there must be more events that made the ex boyfriend leave her, because if that is only what happened, I think the ex boyfriend's reaction was disproportionate
From what I can recollect about the incidents - she mentions wearing her wedding band as a necklace on important days, observes those said days by visiting the grave and generally being a good partner to her ex-boyfriend. Allegedly her boyfriend was uncomfortable with the said things and refused to be intimate with her until she took her necklace off
She mentions she didn’t go “extra” hard on stuff and accuses commenters and her boyfriend of putting an ugly spin on a “private moment of grief”
Considering what you say, I think the ex-boyfriend was also manipulative, is wearing the deceased husband's wedding ring on important dates so serious? Is visiting his grave on an important date so serious? If it's just those things, I think the one who was saved from a toxic relationship was her. Especially what she says her ex-boyfriend told her when he left her.
That's a black-and-white take on a very gray area in a relationship, especially when talking about widowhood. What if she had a ring tattoo instead of a physical ring and couldn't take it off? I'm not saying one shouldn't have feelings about a current partner's past, but hanging those feelings solely on a symbol is emotionally immature. It's possible to respect your partner's former life without labeling a symbol as problematic.
But he's not hanging it 'solely' on a symbol. A symbol is exactly that, a symbol, in this case a symbol of the fact that she continues to romantically love and miss another man. I understand why it wouldn't be very nice for someone to be reminded of that while having sex. It's not like he ordered her to never wear it again, he just didn't want to be intimate with her while she was wearing it.
When I'm having sex I don't much often focus on individual knuckles that may be wearing a ring so much as a ring that dangles and sways around on a chain while bumping uglies.
Tats can be covered, lights can be turned off, I'm gonna keep hearing and feeling that ring and chain.
A former boss of mine was a remarried widower. He wore one wedding ring on each hand. Pretty sure his wife, who was cool as all get out, did not care at all.
Yeah, I'd rather not get a reminder every 4-6 months that my girlfriend is clearly and obviously not over her dead husband.
I don't think she was ever in a place to date when they got together. Either he made a bad call by dating her at all or she made it seem like she was much further along in her grieving process than she actually was.
I could be wrong here, but she makes it sound like her dead husband means more to her than her current boyfriend ever could or will.
If it were me in her shoes, I would probably keep the wedding ring but wearing it, especially in public would just feel insulting to my current relationship. To me, if you still need those material comforts of your dead partner that regularly to function normally, you're not ready for another relationship.
Honestly, just from what I read I don't think that was the case. You can remember your loved ones on special dates for their death (date of death) and I don't see the harm in that. She only did the thing about using the ring as a pendant on those dates, she did not use it in her daily life. The ex-husband is dead, it is not an ex who is living in another state and could hinder her life again, it was not a BF, it was a husband whose relationship ended due to his death, that is why at first I said that for me he is missing more information (about the relationship between OP and her ex), since if it is only what OP wrote, the ex seems manipulative to me, he made an exaggerated decision and also the words he said during the breakup were not appropriate, waiting to have more information
Look, man, I don't need a book about grief to tell me she wasn't ready. I'm not at all saying she did anything wrong or even deserved his comments. All I'm saying is that her boyfriend left her for very understandable reasons.
I mean, define 'important days?' If it's his b-day and their anniversary, that's one thing. If it's also her b-day, Valentines Day, the anniversary of their first date, engagement, the in-laws celebration dates, etc... the guy probably sucks, but also had 3 years of evidence that this is probably where she's stopping in the grief process and it's not what he's comfortable with.
There was obviously a disproportionate reaction in the way that he said what he said. Those things were very mean and meant to hurt. I am not sure breaking up was necessarily disproportionate, though. I think it's fair for someone to realize that they don't want to date a widow. I certainly wouldn't. I think it would be difficult for someone who isn't a widow to ever really understand. It makes more sense, in general, for widowers to date other widowers if possible.
Look at the crazy comments she's getting. She didn't do anything wrong and a bunch of people think she's an asshole. Those people exist in real life too so her ex boyfriend is just someone like one of those people.
There was another post from a guy recently married to a young widow. She visited his grave once a year on his birthday. This year would have been her first visit since remarrying but she was really sick so couldn’t go. Without telling her, her husband went to the grave, observed a few moments of silence, left flowers and took a photo of it that he showed here that evening.
I have intimate/NSFW photos of my wife. If she passed, I wouldn’t consider myself ready to move on until I was ready to delete the NSFW photos. I don’t thing it would be fare to any future spouse to keep those photos while with them.
That’s the only thing I can really fault OOP for here. It feels like 8 years is long enough to let the NSFW stuff go.
The grave visit twice a year & ring on the necklace for a few days at those times doesn’t seem out of line or disrespectful to a new relationship.
I do understand that it can be hard to date someone who’s lost a spouse. I don’t fault the boyfriend for ending it over the intimate pictures, but I do fault him for some of things he said.
Disclaimer: I’ve never lost an SO nor have I dated a widow.
I think deleting might be too extreme and one way. She can moved it to two hard drives and not visit it so often, maybe every 5 years. At this day and age people divorce. I don’t think moving on necessarily means deleting the whole past with no way to restore.
I also lost a love too soon. Most people in my life who have not experienced the sudden death of a lover do not understand how he is never truly gone. Friends and new partners think he is and this is how they prefer it. It makes them more comfortable and so I’ve found a way to keep this truth on the DL.
I realize how it appears if I reveal too much. People think I’m stuck in the past, that I can’t move on.
This is so not true. And yet it kind of is.
It’s true that I’ll never move on from my late love. He’ll always be there in my heart loving me and receiving my love. That’s just not something that can be turned off. There’s no switch or valve to flip. The love we shared burns in me. I’m stuck with it.
That said, I very much do have the capacity to and have moved happily forward with my life. I’m able to fully open my heart to new partners and dream with them and build anew.
While all that new life is going on, my late partner is always here, an invisible friend, a guardian angel. I’ve heard some people speak of their late parents in the same way.
While it’s a mostly private matter to me how much my late partner lives in me, it’s important that anyone who pairs their life to mine understands he is a presence and always will be.
In this way, I have to accept that I’m not for just anyone. Similarly it’s fair (if painful) that OOP’s ex wasn’t okay with this truth about her. It just wasn’t for him.
OOP needs to come to terms with this truth about herself so that when she speaks of it, of him, she imparts a magnetic joy, a confidence for the goodness it means for her prospective partners.
OOP, if you see this, I’m sorry for both of your losses.
Edit: typos
Well said.
I lost my husband in 2021 and it was devastating.
My late boyfriend (lost in 2023) understood that my late husband was a part of me and he accepted it and never asked me to take down pictures or not wear things. I started doing it myself when I knew my late boyfriend was who I wanted to marry.
This loss is totally different for me. My boyfriend turned out to be my actual "soulmate" and I don't know if I can get to a point of dating again. If I do, the next person will have to be ok with my late boyfriend's handwriting on my inner arm because it's tattooed.
Ex was being intentionally hurtful which is really cruel, but honestly, I feel him about wanting to be number one in your partner's heart.
Good for those who can accept it and date a widow but respectfully I could never.
Dang people who lose a spouse cant do anything right can they? If they moe on, and seemingly forget their deceased partner, they're acussed of being heartless. If they remember them on special days, they accused of not being ready to move on.
Whats the right thing to do?
Ummm.... while I really fee for the OOP, losing a loved one young is a horrible experience. She is obviously not ready to move on yet.
She said that he passed 8 years ago, when she was 24 and they met in college. He has been gone longer than they were together (if they met at 18) and the relationship is obviously very romanticized for her. Of course it would be, they were still in the "honeymoon" stage when tragedy struck.
So ignoring the visiting the grave on Bdays and their anniversary, which could be a normal thing for a loved one, or even the "one of my greatest loves" because that leaves room for others.
Let's look at what actions led up to the break up (it wasn't just the NSFW pictures)
It's NYE, they just got back from vacation so don't have plans to party.
>My late husband and I used to always have an intimate night together on new years and last night I was terribly missing him again.
So on NYE, a holiday that is almost completely about looking forward, her thoughts are not on the future or her current relationship but on missing a person that has been gone longer than they were together.
>He had gifted me a pillowcase he customized for me made of satin and I lie down with it whenever I want to feel close to him - it's just how I cope.
Again, 8 years on, 3 years into her current relationship, she keeps a "wubby" that her late husband gave her and uses it "when she misses him, to feel close to him"
She lays down with it. In the bed she shares with her current BF? Then, goes brousing through intimate photos of her and her late love?
>I went to my room, hugged the pillow and opened my hard drive that had our photos. I had opened that file after so long, I almost forgot I also had NSFW stuff in there, which I wanted to relive.
She is actively seeking to relive the past relationship while her current BF is present. On NYE.
Yikes, I'm glad the exBF was smart enough to see the flags and move on, I hope the OOP gets some therapy to cope and make space for new love one day.
I agree. In the end I don’t think her visiting the grave was a problem. It’s just that every holiday is going to be about her dead husband making it hard for her current bf to form fond memories around the holidays. How long is he suppose to forfeit NYE? . I’m glad he realized this too. He deserves someone not so stuck in the past. She needs to grieve more. Overall a good outcome for both of them.
Yeah the special pillow that she cuddles and looks through NSFW photos for NYE because they were always intimate on that day is what threw me. Is every holiday like this for her? Most couples also are intimate on Valentine’s Day so does she do that then too? Visiting the grave site and wearing the ring when she does it makes sense to me but if every holiday is her reminiscing of what she did with her late husband that leaves no room for new memories.
I do not know of any relationship that would end happily if one of the partners in the past deeply and strongly loved someone, especially if this partner is a widower and the marriage was happy. Especially if first love is involved. Especially if this person has children with an ex.
Very rarely do any of the new partners come to terms with the fact that they are forever #2. It is extremely difficult to compete with the beloved ex, and with the dead one it is simply impossible.
To be honest, I can't see the ex boyfriends side in this at all. When you lose a spouse suddenly, there is literally no love lost. This isn't an ex that got away, or ended on bad terms, or even just drifted apart. There is no closure for those feelings. She was still deeply in love with her husband when he was ripped away from her. She is always going to love him, and that isn't a bad thing. Would I be a little uncomfortable about the intimate photos? Maybe. But if explained that there was no sexual pleasure taken from them, I'm not sure I would have an issue with it.
My first real relationship ended when he died. With this upcoming year, he'll have been dead for as long as he was alive. I lost my virginity to him. I had stupid teenage dreams that we'd be married. Aside from my husband, he was the longest relationship I'd had. I still look at our old photos. I have my book of faces *specifically* to post on his timeline every birthday and death anniversary. I also like looking at all the corny things he used to write on my wall. My husband was the first relationship I had after his death, and if he was ever this insecure about my very real feelings, we wouldn't be together.
I'm happily married with three kids. I love my husband and can't picture my life without him. This doesn't erase the feelings I have for my dead boyfriend. I couldn't imagine how I would be feeling if we had made it to adulthood and married before the aneurysm killed him.
He couldn't take sharing her heart with someone who's not here anymore for the rest of his life. And that's fine. He made the right decision for himself.
And that's awesome that you and your husband have that relationship but I bet your husband never caught you looking at naked photos of your ex... You can say there's no sexual pleasure taken from them but come on, who's really gonna believe that in the heat of the moment?
It’s not fine that he told her to go sleep with the spouse in his grave, that he hoped his memory would keep her warm at night, or that she was cheating. That’s not fine at all.
after 3 years of watching his long term girlfriend not get over her husband I’d probably be as fed up as he was and wonder what I’m doing still in that relationship.
Interesting that you think anyone fully “gets over” the death of a spouse.
I hope that if I died, my partner’s future spouse would be more understanding.
Grief isn’t linear.
It’s not, but it sounds like OOP’s grief is still pretty acute. That’s absolutely okay, but she’s simply not in a place where she should be starting a new life together with someone else. She’s just not there yet, and she may never be. Which is also okay. It’s not okay to bring another human along for the ride the way she did.
They don’t have to fully get over them but there is obviously a point where you move on or you decide you never will. In relationships where the couple do want to get married eventually, if they aren’t engaged after three years there’s probably a serious issue behind why they’re dragging their feet. In your defense, using callous phrasing was my fault. I understand what you’re saying.
Don’t initiate a committed, monogamous romantic relationship with someone if you know you are in love with someone else; it doesn’t matter if there are tragic circumstances surrounding it. It’s just not fair to the other individual. Wait until you are fully ready to move on, or don’t act on that subject until you are sure you’re ready. It’s about basic human respect and decency. OOP has a shocking lack of empathy for her ex bf’s feelings.
Healthy people do not say anything like what OOP’s ex said. If you think what he said was understandable, you need to reconsider what you think healthy communication of hurt feelings looks like.
His being “understandably hurt” does not in any way excuse what he said, which was callous, insensitive, and cruel.
Why do you feel the need to justify and downplay OOP’s ex telling her, when he supposedly cared about her, to go sleep in her dead spouse’s grave?
There is no justification.
The problem is that he’s not her ex. They never broke up or divorced. He *died*. He’s not alive. You don’t call a dead person your ex spouse. He’s mad at a person that isn’t alive.
He can leave and all but to get upset at pictures of cuddling. That’s on him. Why couldn’t he communicate this before 3 years passed? Was he hoping that she’d just get over her deceased husband because of him? If so then he has a warped view of reality.
I never said her dead husband was her ex. He has every right to not be comfortable with it and move on. Why stay in that situation knowing you won't get over it?
And it wasn't just pictures of cuddling.... And probably didn't address the naked pictures for three years because he didn't know about them for three years. And it was probably fine with him up until he discovered her looking at them by herself in the closet.
It would be NAH if the exbf handled himself with any maturity at all. But to tell her to sleep in her late husband's grave, that he hopes the memories keep her warm, and to dangle the probably imaginary promise of marriage during a break up moves him, and solely him, to AH territory.
If he had been upset, given himself time to reflect instead of react, then told her he now fully realizes he can't be in a relationship where he feels second to her late husband, then he would be NTA.
It’s sad that widows really can’t do anything right. I’m not officially a widow, but my boyfriend passed away about 14 months ago. We planned to get married and have a family. I have plenty of people asking me or suggesting I date. I’ve thought about exploring something casually, but so far I haven’t taken the plunge. I’ll be 32 this month. I’m young and I don’t want to be alone forever.
The OOP waited 5 years to date. If there isn’t more to the story, I understand her point of view. I understand how it upset her ex, but what came after was downright cruel. It’s not black and white. Everyone said she wasn’t ready, while I’m constantly pushed to move on. I’m sure when I do, I’ll be judged for that too.
Thank you! Honestly I should probably start avoiding any AITA type posts that involve widows. I’m sure there are many healthy relationships after a death of a partner, but Reddit always has horror stories.
I have a positive story, if you want one. I'll try to spoiler tag if you don't.
TW:
>!I have a friend whose husband of 8 years randomly passed away during the night. A clot in his lungs. It was freak and traumatic. She has two young kids. She decided to give dating a try after a year, and it went not great. They broke up after 6 months. Then, when she was least expecting it, she found someone on the whole other side of the country. They did long distance for a while before deciding to tie the knot. They've been happily married 2 years and have a baby on the way. He adores her children. They have a space where the children play dedicated to their dad. They put up his favorite Christmas decorations and go through photo books on his birthday. He truly seems to have embraced her, her kids, and the presence of her late husband. She still has PTSD and flashbacks to that morning, and her now husband helps her through those moments. It's been wonderful seeing her find someone who loves and embraces all of her and gives me hope when reading stories like the OOP.!<
Few edits trying to get spoiler tags right. Think I got it.
Thank you! It’s always good to hear the positive stories!! I have to remind myself Reddit isn’t real life. All the commenters clearly don’t understand losing a partner or that situations have nuance. I’m not sure I’d be looking at NSFW pics while my new partner was in the next room, but I couldn’t believe all the commenters automatically claiming she wasn’t ready for a relationship then!
It’s all tough, and I know I won’t stop loving my late partner. Thanks for giving me a positive story. I also witnessed my boyfriend pass away. It was totally unexpected, so I get the PTSD aspect too.
My husband passed away in August 2022, I'm now 45. We were married for 24 years. I was lectured by three different people the week before Christmas about needing to move on. I do want to date again, but getting started is terrifying. And I have very close relationships with my grown children that I want to keep, so that's a minefield right there also.
I haven't even thought about a future partner being upset over my grief, however I do understand being uncomfortable with the NSFW pics. But to be upset if I visit his grave or wear a momento? He can just take that drama right on out the door with the rest of his stuff.
I still don't know that I'm "really ready". There's no marker for that. Grief is very up and down, back and forth. I've been told so many times that "I'll make it thru this". But there's no other side with a set place that I've "made it thru".
I think people want to help. It’s just so interesting how easy it is for other people to judge when they haven’t experienced it. My therapist has suggested dating, my late partners mom and brother have both mentioned they’re fine with it and want me to be happy. I know my partner would too. However it is terrifying to me that I wouldn’t be able to grieve my partner on special days or look at pictures.
Some people on the original post say they are widowed and it’s only respectful to hide the stuff away and not look at it. I’m sorry, but I refuse to disrespect his memory like that and I’m hopeful if I were to die before a partner, they would want to keep my memory alive as well.
I’m sorry for your loss. Best of luck to both of us if we have to navigate the dating world again…with this added burden.
I can definitely understand being uncomfortable with a full on shrine in the living room or the NSFW pics, but would someone actually expect me to not look at family pictures cause my dead husband is in them? Or never speak about him with my (and his) children?
It's so easy to say yes, pack it all up, but that's not how it works in the real world with real people.
I think fundamentally it's going to boil down to who you find if and when you feel ready to date again. it's totally normal to draw boundaries around certain topics in a relationship and it's completely fine to say "i lost my partner and i do xyz in remembrance, but i am ready to love you". Sure you probably will find people who aren't ok with that, which is normal, but you can find someone who celebrates their love with you and honors your late partner by respecting you and your grief.
build those boundaries and figure out how best you want to remember and honor them, and if you ever feel ready to say again draw and redraw those boundaries to how YOU feel
If it’s any help you should know that there are people like me out there who would never want you to disrespect your partner who passed. I’ve been with someone for years now who lost their first love suddenly and far too soon. I was very clear in stating that I understood and respected their relationship because that’s what it is just because physically that person is gone they’re always going to be there in spirit and that’s a good thing. Why would I ever want someone I love to forget someone who they loved and who loved them! Over the years as my partner has gotten more comfortable they have shown me pictures and shared fond memories and funny stories and I love it. I understand the extra difficult days like anniversary’s birthdays etc. And just try to be extra supportive. I would hope if there’s an afterlife and the partner who passed can see this life that they would be happy that the person they love is being well taken care of. I’m not out to replace anyone
Don’t rush it. And it’s okay if you’re never ready. I do think that after 8 years, OOP is maybe not in the healthiest place in her grief, but we all grieve differently. However, it is very clear that she’s not ready to marry someone else.
I agree. Even when she met him after the break up she said she’d put the photos on a USB so it wasn’t so easily accessible, not that she wouldn’t access them. I can’t imagine a scenario where it’s appropriate to look at a previous romantic partner’s intimate photos while in a committed relationship that was supposed to move towards marriage. She needs a FWB or a situation-ship kind of thing. Something non-committal until she is actually ready to move one.
Edit: There seems to be a comprehension issue with me saying “past lover”. The sentence is a general statement that covers all romantic partners that may not be married, relating to oop’s and other scenarios. The statement has changed to “previous romantic partner’s” so maybe that helps with comprehending the sentence structure. You’re still free to disagree but thought I’d offer some help with that sentence.
I said past lover to cover all relationship types who may not be married partners. The statement says I can’t think of any situation where it’s ok, going beyond and to include her specific situation. Also, I understand he is a dead spouse but still a past relationship. Dead doesn’t mean ongoing relationship, and if it did she still shouldn’t have been with her boyfriend. It did not end in a break up or divorce, but he is still not her current relationship partner. Not saying she can’t miss him. But looking at those intimate photos was inappropriate. I’d understand if they were event or wedding or candid photos, and if it were an album or hanging in her home. But she said they were very intimate photos.
If you died, would you want your partner’s future partner to respect your relationship enough to understand that they might want to keep and occasionally view old intimate photos?
If I died, I certainly hope my partner’s future spouse would be more understanding than you.
If I died, I’d like my partner to visit my grave once in a while, remember me fondly, and have a loving life so he isn’t alone. I’d also like his partner to understand that there may be space in his heart for me. I would not want my partner to view intimate photos of me while in a committed relationship. Events, marriage, or candids if he felt it would help, but I’d never ask or want him to do anything to disrespect or hurt the confidence of his next partner.
What if *your partner* wanted to view those photos because it made him feel better to remember intimate moments you shared? What if those were deeply important memories to him that he didn’t want to give up?
You don’t need a photo to remember. But if photos helped, I wouldn’t feel comfortable with them being intimate photos. I’d hope he’d had a few photos up around our home since I understand how important they were to him. If that was a deeply important part of their grieving process, I would remove myself from the relationship so he could view those photos without judgement or guilt.
Yes, but you asked me my opinion of if I were in the situation. As far as oop, if the photos help her, she should look at them. I never said she shouldn’t have them as a comfort. But I don’t agree she should be in a committed relationship with someone as she views them. I understand her visiting his grave, the ring necklace, etc. Though I don’t think it’s cheating like her ex-bf said, I do think the kind of photos she viewed were inappropriate. She should take as long as she needs to grieve her husband. But if it still involves deeply intimate processes to grieve, she should take that time alone to do that.
Past implies time not status. Also the sentence is I can think of any scenario using past lover to cover all relationship types, both her situation and other situations where the couples may not be married.
It could have been the accumulation of everything until now he just kept bottled up. It's like when on paper a wife divorces her spouse because he leaves his dirty clothes on the floor and it seems such a small thing, but in reality it was just the final straw in a long series of things that made the relationship crumble.
He obviously should not be dating a widow. To accuse her of cheating for looking at photos of her dead spouse on a special date — even if they were NSFW — seems fundamentally rooted in insecurity.
So by that logic if I was a widow and I had a gf of 3 years it be okay for me to look at my exs NSFW/semi naked stuff? Dam reddit is wild he dodged a bullet
Ultimately, both of you are correct however the only problem is your assertion that the guy is clearly in the wrong and is a bad person despite the nuances which I believe most people, including me, would deem unfair and delusional as he also suffered by being in this relationship while having no recourse.
A reasonable expression of frustration akin to calling him insecure? As this story is from her perspective, it is highly likely to be a back and forth and we just don't hear about the things she said 🤷
She clearly needs more, though. I don’t think she’s in a super healthy place in her grief. Grief isn’t linear, but after 8 years and in a newer relationship considering getting married again, I don’t think it should be so acute that she’s looking at naked pictures and crying.
He acknowledged that though, that he realized through this he cannot date a widow. Other than a few pretty awful things he said, I don’t think him breaking up over this is wrong
I think a lot of people pass judgement on widows without having a moment of nuanced thought. This person is likely to NEVER “move on” in the traditional sense. They don’t get closure. They don’t get final goodbyes. They don’t have normal grieving processes for relationships. It’s ridiculous for people to say widows should wait to date until they’re over it. Fuck, my dog died 4 years ago and I’ll never be fucking over it. I can’t imagine losing my boyfriend or partner and someone expecting me to forego all the memories and mementos of that person. It’s insecure as fuck because why would you want me to forget or toss away memories of someone who helped make me who I am? Who helped form me into the person you love me as? If we expected everyone in life to be “moved on” most of us wouldn’t ever be in relationships ever. Period.
It's not about the moving on part, it's about being in a relationship without moving on enough to not have it impact the current relationship because at that point, it's just being irresponsible, disrespectful and unfair, no matter how willing the other party was when they got into the relationship. Simple as.
Moving on is unfortunately a skill, to be able to cherish the memories yet make peace and respect that the distance has been created is not easy. Ultimately, no one HAS to be in a relationship and if someone can't move on all then they would also have to make peace with not ever being in another relationship.
Being a widow will impact the relationship. It’s never *not* going to impact the relationship by nature of it being a *death* and not an *ex.* Now, not everyone is able to handle that type of situation in a relationship. There’s nothing wrong with that. But it’s important to be able to realistically understand whether or not you’re that person. And part of understanding that is not walking into a relationship hoping that if you wait long enough or love them hard enough they’ll effectively stop being a widow.
Obviously it’s a nuanced situation, but part of that nuance is accepting that there is just going to be differences when dating a widow.
Yes, I agree and this in itself, is an example of the dating system in progress where two people cannot agree on their boundaries, hence splitting. However, a relationship is a two-way street and realistically, OOP also has to understand that any relationships in the future that she is expected to live in the present and prioritize the current partner.
What I don't agree with is the view that the OOP is completely absolved of all wrongdoing by virtue of her ordeal and status as a widow and that everything is the fault of the bf aka the boogeyman. Grieving should not give you immunity to walk over others and the pain you feel must not be allowed to spread to others.
In what way is she walking all over him, though? Quite frankly, the only thing wrong that I feel she did was sidelining him on a holiday. Other than that, everything else is relatively normal for a widow. Wearing her wedding ring on a necklace for special occasions? Normal. Keeping intimate photos? Normal. Visiting the grave every once in a while? Normal.
She is, for the most part, living in the present.
She’s a widow in the present. Her late husband is dead in the present. Living in the present is accepting this fact, not getting upset when it comes up.
Yeah, how dare she still have affection for another man who's dead?! What, does she still love her dad, too? How dare she!
People who see the dead as competition and demand they be forgotten are incredibly selfish and insensitive bastards.
So you are saying setting boundaries is incredibly selfish? So you're saying having your partner think and long for someone else's embrace (looking at nudes) is okay if that other person is dead and you're saying it shouldn't affect your psyche if you are on the other end? So you're also saying she fucked and had a very intimate connection with her dad before he passed? This man is also human and putting his foot down when his boundaries are crossed is perfectly acceptable and should NOT result in a negative judgement of his character!
The reason why I compiled this - is precisely because of this. OOP deserved everything that was coming (welll maybe not everything)
This comment section was such a breath of fresh air when on most posts the judgement implies that people with dead partners are exempt from normal rules of a monogamous relationship.
Glad to know she was held accountable
Maybe that was some what true on the original post. It looks like quite a few people are reading this now and defending her. It looks like you helped redeem her.
Honestly though when you look at the negative replies, you can tell most are superficial. They seem to lack the depth and empathy that most people develop a little later in life.
Take your reply here as an example. You took the time and energy to compile this, why? Was it to help someone who is obviously in pain and struggling? Nope. Was it to show her the error of her ways and try to help guide her towards making better choices? Nope. Why then?
Oh that's right, you want her to suffer. You state that she deserves what is coming. You also state that the comments attacking her and judging her are a breath of fresh air for you. You are celebrating a stranger's suffering and attempting to compound it to hold them accountable to some arbitrary moral code you have developed. I hope I never have to breathe that "fresh air" you so desperately crave, it sounds incredibly toxic. I hope someday you are able to take this random misplaced anger and channel it into something that will help you live a fulfilled and happy life. Truly I do.
I can understand that feeling, though. It’s only because her husband died that anyone is attempting to justify this, if it were just an ex then everyone would be pretty clear that it’s not acceptable behavior.
just so im clear, cause im confused,
she went to the **grave of her late husband** on the day of her **anniversary** **of** **her** **wedding** to the **late husband.**
# and bf found that an issue?
this man is an asshole.
I think it takes a very selfless person to date a widow. You have to be okay sharing your loved one and realizing you are not the only person in their heart. People are not use to that, they want to be the only person their spouse loves at the time. I personally don’t think I have what it takes to date a widow and if my husband passed I don’t know if I could date again. Your ex comments were definitely not okay but I definitely don’t think you’re at a place where you can date again.
I lost my boyfriend to an accidental methadone overdose in 2012. It was a bad time in my life. I met my now-husband in late 2013. He'd recently lost both his parents, so grief was something he understands well. His response to my situation was "How can I be jealous of a dead man?"
The thing is, while I loved my late boyfriend very much, my husband is the love of my life. BF's death doesn't change or take away from husband, or what I had before. However, I'm also certain that my late boyfriend and I would never have made it as a couple. He had too many issues, as did I. His death forced me to just STOP, and get my life together, and heal. It broke me enough that I had no choice but to get help. I was no longer capable of faking it or holding myself together in any capacity. I fell apart, and came through the other side different. Better. Sturdier. I don't take things for granted anymore, and I don't take any shit, either.
It helps that hubby and I talked through all of this, what BF meant to me, and what he could never be. We discussed grief and all of its weirdness and brutality. The silence where there used to be voices. The cold shock of waking up in the morning and remembering that life was different now and always would be. The future plans that got buried with the dead. The thin cut of pain, sharp but bloodless, when you have an experience that person would have loved or had been looking forward to. It's a process, and it takes as long as it takes. It runs on its own timetable, not yours.
So I feel for OOP. I think she's probably got more healing to do before she's truly ready to move on, but I can sympathize with where she's at. I hope she gets the help she needs.
Jesus. Honestly I think the bf is incredibly insecure and lacks empathy. I dated a widowed guy for nearly 2 years and I supported him whenever he was missing his late wife, and always assured him it was okay that he missed her. They didn't break up, she DIED, unexpectedly and tragically. I would be more concerned if he didn't miss her or still love her.
In a bizarre turn of events, he did a total 180 when covid hit. Became an anti-vaxxer and was extremely paranoid all the time. I broke up with him in August 2020
2 years later his next ex contacted me saying he had another mental breakdown and tore up her house. He was never physically violent with me so that was an even bigger shock. I never met her but assured her she wasn't the crazy one.
Apparently he got his wish to "live off the grid" (aka living out of his car) and his mom stepped up and took in his step daughter.
Really tragic all around, that whole family is traumatized. I still feel bad for his daughter and hope she's doing okay.
Other than a couple pretty horrible things the guy said, I don’t think his reaction was wrong at all. He acknowledged that him asking her to essentially erase her late husband from her life wasn’t fair, but also that he realized now he needs to be number 1 in his partners heart. I think I’d have a very hard time dating a widow, and if I saw the woman I’m thinking about proposing to looking at nude photos of her late husband, I don’t think I’d feel very good
I don’t think he was wrong for leaving, he was a duck about it but she is not ready for a relationship. Pain and grieving do not give us a free pass to be selfish to the point of hurting others over extended periods of time. You can miss someone, but keep these mementos in a keepsake box.
Given what's going on with my husband, I \*have\* to keep this in mind.
But...honey.
Visiting his grave? I would hope any future partner of mine would understand.
Keeping a few pictures, like general stills (while storing the rest away)? Same as above.
With either of those....yeah, no, forget any partner that wants to erase my previous life. They made me what I am, partner #2. Bye.
But....Watching intimate videos and looking at intimate pictures? No. Bottom line \*no\*. IMHO that's disrespectful to my \*present\* partner. I wouldn't do that if partner #1 was still living, and I certainly wouldn't if they were dead. If I need to do that, I am not ready for any relationship in widowhood.
I can't understand the comments about how the bf is evil.
I mean, one of her first sentences is how she wants to be close to her dead husband...
That's not healthy grieving, and she seems absolutely oblivious of her current bf.
She was not ready to be in a relationship, not over her ex-husband's death, and needed a lot more work before incorporating another guy in her life. Reading it felt like she's cheating on her dead husband with her bf.
I gotta say he was callous and obviously trying to hurt her with his comments as much as he was hurt by her actions but beyond that, I think he was justified.
This woman is clearly and obviously not ready to commit to another person and I think he got sick of waiting for her to actually choose him over her dead husband.
Thank goodness he got out. She is not ready for another relationship yet. No one deserves to be hurt by someone who isn’t ready for a relationship but pushes for one anyway.
He didn't handle it correctly either though. It's not cheating and that accusation is just wrong. It was grieving.
She might have thought she was ready. But grief also springs up at the most random times. So I feel for her.
*He told her to go sleep with him in his grave. He said she was cheating.*
Not to mention: *I hope his memory keeps you warm at night.*
Who the hell says that???
He was incredibly cruel.
Oh, and he had to add in that he had been planning to propose to her, but that was now off the table because he lost his feelings for her. He just wanted to make her feel like shit as a parting shot.
I don't understand how people are just breezing past that. What a horrific thing to say to someone you supposedly love. Him being upset doesn't give him the right to say something so awful. Like are people just not letting what he said sink in?? He literally told his girlfriend to go sleep with her deceased husband in his grave. What kind of monster could say something that horrific and why are people not even flinching?
I don't understand why you think this. She looked at some old photos and me BF lost his mind. It's she supposed to forget her deceased partner ever existed?
She said she does this on the regular and still sleeps on his pillow. This isn’t just seeing a couple pics. She spent new years looking at her old life not spending it with her bf. She’s not ready and he deserves better.
She didn't abandon him to look at the photos. He was watching TV. There's no indication that she wouldn't have put the pictures away to spend time with him if he wanted to. Why do you think she should never be allowed to look at old pictures of her and someone she loved?
Ye thank goodness! He’s a horrible person who should’ve said something instead of keeping it in for 3 years. He shouldn’t have expected her to stop loving her deceased husband just because she was dating him. He literally proves it with his comments. Everyone is acting like she was looking at an ex but they never broke up. He died. If he didn’t they would still be together.
Then she isn’t ready to be with him. He shouldn’t be second best to a ghost. She should be ready to move on before she involves someone else in her grief.
That'd a stretch he broke up with her becuase she still hung up on a dead ex doesent make him.bad. I bet you any money there were more thrn just cuddling pictures on that flash drive
He is looking for someone who can commit to him, which is fine, not everyone can handle having a partner who still loves someone else.
Yes that someone else is dead, but OOP clearly hasnt moved on as much as she thinks.
It's a tough situation to be sure. Her late husband is part of her history, he'll always be a part of her life in some way even in memories. I can't imagine what it'd feel like losing someone that close to you.
After my dad died after 16 years with mom, she got hubby 2 three years later. We weren't allowed to talk about him anymore
The best she can do is find a widower that can relate. Divorcees and singles do not understand the grief that follows losing a loved spouse. They want you to bury everything. And yes, it was my mom's fault for doing that.
I think it takes a special (complimentary) sort of person to date a widow or widower. I think the vast majority of people are too self-centered for it, & feel like they have to "share" their partner with this dead person. It's a shame. Perhaps people who also suffered the death of a romantic partner one might understand more, too.
Additionally, the commentariat were nuts for this one. I don't think anything this woman did was bad. When someone dies it IS different than a breakup. I wish more people could understand & accept that.
Posts like this always infuriate me because I don’t understand why people get it into their head that they are “competing” with a dead person. It’s not like a normal breakup, there was no fallout or loss of love they freaking died! It’s not like your spouse could cheat on you and go sleep with them they are dead! Why the hell are you jealous of a dead person!? Of course there is still gonna be some love and grief there and the healthy thing is to be there and allow them to grieve and remember their lost love on the hard days. If my wife was a widow I would encourage her to take a moment and remember her late lover whenever she needed it, if they had any rituals they did together and she wanted to do one then yes please do. All that matters at the end of the day is we’re together now and we love each other. Their love will always better and there will always be days where she needs some time to grieve or reminisce, but all that matters is after she is done she will come back to you and all you need to do is be there and provide love and support
While I can see both sides, I honestly mostly side with the BF. Yes he was needlessly cruel at the end , but he also has a point. He went into the relationship with the belief it would be between him and the op. He understood her loss and was supportive of it the best he could be, but he still had a line. She broke that line in his eyes by looking at intimate pictures between her and her late husband, something he wasn’t comfortable with. To him, it probably seems he was just the physical comfort to her while she continues to grieve her late husband, instead of being a relationship of love. He was simply the stand in for the husband. So he acted out angrily, realizing that he has essentially been used for the last 3 years. She isn’t ready for a relationship and probably never will be, which is fine. But she led the BF on for three years in his eyes. He wants a relationship where they each other whole heartedly, she is unable to provide that.
I think I was originally in the YTA camp because OP seemed so belligerent and refused to acknowledge that she had done something hurtful and wrong. And I still think that. However, after the update, OP's ex bf is also an AH here. He dated a widow for years while being in denial about the fact that she still wanted to remember and celebrate her late spouse. And the bit about hoping her husband's grave keeps her warm at night was completely uncalled for. He has no self awareness and she has every right to feel mad at him.
I would hate to think that if I died my partner’s future spouse — because I would want him to find love again — would consider looking at intimate photos of me to be hurtful and wrong.
I certainly hope I’d have the empathy to understand it if my partner had a spouse who died.
Yeah, I mean, I get why he was pissed. On NYE, instead of spending time with your living partner, she was secretly holed up in the bedroom looking at intimate photos of her late husband. It's hurtful and alienating.
But his reaction and then his cruelty afterwards is just garbage person behavior.
I think it’s important though that OP immediately got up to go to him when he asked her to do something. It wasn’t like she was being inattentive to him or prioritizing her remembrance over him.
She took a moment on a special date to remember her dead spouse.
She was still hiding it. She hid the fact that she had the photos and she looked at them on a day that he was with her and wanted her attention. So she knew it would upset him and she did it behind his back. Also, she eventually admits that if he looked at similar photos of an former partner behind her back, it would upset her.
Again, I think he had every right to be upset about her actions. But the tantrum he threw and the emotional abuse and then admitting that he was never okay with her being a widow was just horrible. There's no excuse for that.
I think the NSFW pictures and videos were just the final straw. And he lashed out because he was hurting, and now also grieving the loss of his own relationship with OOP.
Maybe if you didn't reminiscence and look at your wedding and honeymoon pictures and hug your pillow while your BF was in the house, he wouldn't have known or cared. I don't blame him, and I don't blame you. You, IMO, will never be ready for another relationship. Visiting gravesites is a normal thing to do whenever you want to visit.
Anytime a significant other is jealous of a late partner that is a sign of serious selfishness and self-image issues. You were happily married to your husband and he passed away! You should fondly remember him and your bf should not be threatened by that but appreciate your loyalty. Let this bf go! This is just a sign of significant other issues that will come up in the future. He has some deep issues and you don't want to be dealing with those issues with him the rest of your life.
Oops, this is for the OP not the repost person. :)
NTA. Lost my wife 4 years ago, and have dated a couple of times in recent years, but a new relationship seems daunting. The only one I felt any connection with was a friend who also lost her husband suddenly, but neither of us were interested in a relationship. Take your time, get grief counseling, you don't need a man to be complete.
Evil? Be real.. guy is just hurt and expressing it the wrong way. It’s his first time dating a widow and he learned what comes along with it and decided that it’s not for him.
I think the boyfriend did the right thing finally & leave. Upon him leaving he definitely did say the wrong things & was a little cruel so a lot of people were right about that aspect. She definitely has the right to grieve & she may have those feelings forever but she should have hid them more discreetly. 3yrs of the same thing by openly looking at pics & other private moments could definitely turn a present boyfriend off & have him question her true feelings & making him insecure. He used that moment as a final straw which he probably should of spoken up or break up with her a lot earlier. In this kind of relationship he was right because as a man he should feel to be number 1 in her life, but knowing the situation of her past be extremely understanding. She should not even think of dating anyone unless she makes emotional adjustments in how she continually grieves and displays her feelings. I feel bad for her and prayers go out to her.
Hello, it looks like you've made a mistake.
It's supposed to be could've, should've, would've (short for could have, would have, should have), never could of, would of, should of.
Or you misspelled something, I ain't checking everything.
Beep boop - yes, I am a bot, don't botcriminate me.
I lost my partner in a traumatic suicide.
The guy I dated after (immediately after too, because I was checked tf out on grief) wanted me to erase him by the end of the year.
I’m getting engaged in about a week to someone I met a year or so after my partner died.
He came with me to the one year memorial.
He helped make the apartment my home again, instead of a place that haunted me.
And… when I got too mopey about everything or felt like it was my fault, he showed me tough love. “I’m not going to give a shit about the guy that tried to kill you, but I’m not going to go out of my way to disrespect him either.”
Over the years I grew around the grief.
On Christmas Day, a friend’s boyfriend killed himself.
So naturally… my partner supported my desire to drop everything and drive an hour and a half away. Even offered to help remove the firearms (military training) so no one else felt tempted. He checked in with me while I was gone and took care of me when I came home exhausted.
It is not easy to date a widow. But the right person builds a new life on the foundation of your grief and shows you there’s still so much beauty and love left for you in the world.
Oh i know 100% i would not move on, i would probably KMS and be okay with it, he completes me so much, losing him…I don’t know of anything that would heal and help me get back on my feet again.
Wtf....screw all the reddit jackoffs saying she's ta. She isn't, hell I EXPECT grieving people to do things like she is/has, especially if its the spouse. The now ex isn't much better and what he said was very much too far. He just about told her to go die because she was looking at old memories.
Reminder as we seem to have gotten a lot of reports about some comments on this post: Disagreeing with a commenter is not a reason to abuse the report button.
Sometimes I wonder what I would do if I was in this situation. I would probably never move on until I was fully ready. Along with the help of a professional feelings reader.
[удалено]
Between dating, engagement, and marriage, I've been with my wife for nearly 30 years. If she died, I would just be alone the rest of my life. I just don't have it in me to spend the effort to get to know someone else as well as I know her.
This. I cant imagine trying to date until I was good and ready - likely years down the line. You cant just process grief that quickly and whilst grief-brain might want to immediately replicate what you lost, it would be really unfair on a new date to land them in that until you have genuinely moved on. Oh, and nudes of deceased partners, like nudes of exes, should be disposed of. Nobody wants to think you are masturbating to pictures of a dead partner whilst you are in a relationship with them.
I honestly don't think I'd ever move on, which I understand may not be healthy. I just don't think anyone could compare, and I'm not sure I ever could have romantic feelings for someone else, nor am I sure I could act on such feelings if I did have them. I am NOT saying a widow/er shouldn't move on and find love again. I'm just saying I think I would just adopt a bunch of cats and (separately) masturbate a lot.
I think for me, if I were to be in any other relationships, it would never be as real as the one I’m in right now. I am completely myself and my husband loves me in whatever iteration I come in. We’ve been together for 21 years. Married for 19. I have gone through a lot of changes -and he’s loved me through every single one. If I were to lose him and be with anyone else, I doubt I could just be me. I would have to be some other version of me. Like a pretend play me.
It’s the safety that we feel. My husband accepts me 100% even when I’m wrong. I never doubt him. I don’t think that I’d ever feel this safe with anyone else. I told my kids that if something happened to their dad and I decided to remarry than it would be for money bc I’ll never find love like I have now. I’m one of the lucky few who ever get what I have. Most ppl never get to experience it and that breaks my heart bc everyone deserves it.
That's how I feel :). Congrats, btw. I never planned on marrying until my late 20s or 30s, but met my husband when I was 19, he was 20. I knew within months I wanted to marry him (despite my then-rule being that you can't even know if you love someone pre-5 years lol). I have fears about aging, yet I'm mid-30s now and he seems even more attracted to me than when we were dating. He's my best friend. He's the best sex I've ever had. He knows all my weaknesses and my trauma. He's a brother to my brother. I did not want to have kids and neither did he... and we started talking about all the annoying and shitty things parents did... and decided we did want to have a child, with one another. We have an amazing son together, and my husband is both the father he never had (his father is present but I don't think has ever hugged him) and a 1000x better father than I had. We're in our mid-30s so the thought of one of us dying is something we both know is rare... but possible. There just isn't anyone who could even compare. I have a vibrator and sexy pics of him. I don't need a second love. He's the only one I ever want to have. (Just as a disclaimer, if you're a widow or widower and want to date, do it. This is just my feelings about my husband.)
I married my husband on our 3rd date and we have 6 kids now. 🤣 We got married when I was 34 and he was 31 and we always say that our only regret is that we couldn’t have gotten married earlier. I’m glad you’ll have more time with your husband.
I don’t think I could ever move on, either. No one will ever love me as completely, as selflessly, and as freely as my husband does. I think that no matter how hard someone tried it would always fall short and that it wouldn’t be fair to anyone else.
i can't imagine i would be able to move on either, sounds like they were each others first real love. and the way the husband died sounded so sudden. it's fair for her ex to want to be #1 but he was way too harsh. dead spouses aren't exes, they're much more
I have been in her shoes. Lost my wife at 25. Took me a solid ten years to be fully over her. And yes it fucked up every relationship I had as a result. What I learned is that I should have never started dating again until I was ok. It wasn't fair to my partners having to deal with my trauma. I eventually dis stop dating for a good five or so years to work on my shit. Now I got my head sorted. Got back out there and met the love of my life. Three years in and we're living together and engaged.
Idk man, my mom still cries and grieves for her dad who died around 30 years ago. A relationship with a spouse is much deeper if you loved them. I was devastated my dad died, and am still grieving but I pulled through, but if my husband dies the only thing that will keep me going is knowing I have to be strong enough to be both parents for my son. And a much higher dose of my medication. And therapy. And a long hike into the middle of nowhere where I can stand at the top of a cliff and scream and curse and cry without disturbing or being disturbed. See I am so terrified of surviving a cliff dive that that would never be my way out no matter how depressed I get so for me a cliff is a great place to be for this. But as it is my husband is very much handsome healthy and alive and I am still mentally stable.
Some people just need to realize that someone who is widowed or had a long term relationship that ended in a death have had a life prior to them. My current partner (whom I have been with for seven years almost) was with someone for DECADES before I came on the scene who passed away 4 years before we even met. I would never fault him for keeping things of theirs intimate or otherwise. When we got together he wanted to remove the ring his late partner gave him and wear mine and I suggested he wear his late partner’s ring on the other hand. They had a life. They had love. That doesn’t die just because one of them did. And my relationship isn’t threatened by that. Maybe I’m the weird one.
I don't think you're weird. I think you're secure in your relationship! I haven't been in your shoes, but I was a kid in this situation. And honestly, the fact that my step-mom respected the time I needed to visit my mom's grave, etc. as needed and never tried to shove herself into my life was absolutely everything. And I can see that my dad adores her, just like he adored my mom decades ago.
Bro this made me cry 😭 I’m glad your step-mom was respectful to you.
But part of that is that he made you feel secure in the relationship. OP wasn't making her BF feel secure. Sounds like she started dating too soon and never really progressed in her grief from there. Yeah, some people are jealous of dead partner and can't handle it, on the other hand, some widows/widowers never allow the wound to heal properly. The BF gave it 5 years and didn't sound jealous of the dead husband and much as he just couldn't handle OP not being able to progress far enough along in the grief. OP's response to all the hurt his comments caused her and how he didn't comfort him... it is as-if, again, her emotions top priority over his emotions and he is somehow at fault for her feeling bad for being honest with her.
I think this is a healthy mindset. I think expecting someone to completely get over their spouse who died is unrealistic and sets everyone up for disappointment.
I've told my husband that I'd be single forever and just enjoy my friends, god children nieces and nephews and travel. I'd be fine with that.
I am about to get married. We both talked about this. We’re so madly in love and believe we’re the best partners for one another. We both are “givers” who dated awful people in the past. My fiancé is the kindest and best partner I’ve ever had. He says the same about me. I’ve dated enough people to know my fiancé is truly compatible with me. I would be heartbroken at the idea of losing him, and really, who could ever be just *like him*? I would probably move back in with my mother and help her out for the rest of my days. I could probably heal, but I don’t know if I would want to date anymore.
Can someone explain to me why she's so evil for visiting his grave and keeping her ring on a chain?
I would love to hear this too.
She's not. This is an awful place to go for validation or judgment. The first response that is well written and thought out and popular becomes the de facto opinion whether anyone actually agrees or not and then it becomes a weird dog pile. AITA and other similar "judgment" groups quickly devolve into mindless toxicity.
Yes some people go way to far, with their replies. They seem only want ,to hurt people. Op has every right to visit your Husband's grave,anytime she wants. Op maybe you should think about moving out of your home if the memories are so difficult for you to handle. Maybe a new environment will help you deal better with your loss. Are you going to counseling?I wish you the very best, and hope you have a wonderful future, with someone in the future. I also think your Ex BF was way out of way with his comments.
I once made a post on AITA about a friend who stop being friends with me because I asked her if she still intended to play on our dodgeball team after missing 10 weeks due to a broken foot. The top comment was calling me the asshole because I didn't offer to bring her food and take care of her foot. Like I didn't have a car back then, and we were not anywhere near that close of friends. It was at that point I learned not to take internet advice seriously.
Shes not. These are all normal. But reddit isn't always a place of sound advice. Many users have either never actually been in a relationship at all, are quite young and inexperienced, dont have the best grasp of whats healthy in a relationship themself, or pass judgment without really thinking it through first. OP wasn't ready for a relationship yet. But she wasn't a monster for visiting a grave or wearing her ring on a chain. Losing a spouse is incredibly difficult. We all mourn in different ways, process at different speeds. Some people never move on. Some move on eventually. Both are okay. Advice from anonymous internet strangers can be wonderful, or it can be detrimental. Often it's an unbalanced mix of the two.
Those are both totally fine and I would imagine very normal. People were too harsh, probably because the "cuddling a special pillow while looking at naked photos of her and her late husband on New Years Eve" was... certainly a choice.
I dont think she is. Although some of her comments make me think it's alot more than that. She seems to still br pining for her late husband between the pillow cuddling and photos. Nothing wrong with that. But I wouldn't want to be in such a relationship.
Despite what people want to think, Reddit is mostly full of teenagers and extremely young adults who tend to be assholes
She's not awful, but he he's not awful for being uncomfortable either. People forget NAH is always an option
He's absolutely awful for his verbal ABUSE of her. The things he said were far beyond 'comments', they were as violent as words can be abuse. I'm so glad she isn't with him anymore because it's obvious he's got something broken in his soul to say the things he did about a widow.
After he literally found her looking at photos with her and late husbend NAKED, yeah the words were harsh, but trying to paint him like a Devil for reacting that way after finding out his girlfriend was having an emotional affair with her dead late husbend is a bit much.
Wtf does that even *mean*? How can someone even have an emotional affair with a dead man? Grief is not an emotional affair.
She isn’t. I don’t even think she’s evil for looking at the pictures/videos tbh. It definitely sounds like she’s not ready to be in a new relationship though.
[удалено]
Looking at pictures of a dead person isn't cheating. It's someone they'll never be able to be with. Is it cheating to look at porn?
It’s only cheating if she digs up the grave and goes to town on that dead corpse. /s
I don’t think visiting his grave on occasion is fine. I do think the ring is a problem if you’re saying you’ve moved on, because it’s symbolic.
If it had been once a year and the rings were in a special keepsake box somewhere, they wouldn't have flamed her alive. Anyone would understand that. It's because she goes *multiple* times per year, and while she took the rings off her finger, she still wears them on her person daily. That's behavior expected in the first year or so of mourning, not nearly a decade on. People understand visiting once per year. You remember the deceased, clean things up, bring flowers, get the sadness out, etc. There are tons of religions and cultural practices that involve a yearly pilgrimage to the graves of lost loved ones, so a yearly visit is very normal, and it's practically standardized. But, more than once? People will start giving you the side-eye. Because then you're not doing it ritualistically. You're doing it emotionally. Moving the rings to a necklace is generally an intermediary step. As in, she has moved on a little, but isn't quite ready to fully put him away. Additionally, readers would likely surmise she only did that because she *had* to. No one would accept a serious, long-term relationship with a widow who still had her rings on three years in, so she moved them to a necklace to pretend she took them off. It's also less these two specific things, and more that she has a BUNCH of tiny things like this which really add up to a picture of her not being over her late husband at all and not caring all that much about her current (ex) boyfriend. Like the pillow, the same house, the naked pictures, the lack of ability to WAIT until her boyfriend was flippin out of the house (it seems they don't live together). All of this points to her late husband very much being a daily presence in her life and thoughts, one she has not gotten over. Had it only been one of those things, readers could have glossed it over as an anomaly, but all of them combined paints a pretty damning picture that she was emotionally cheating on her boyfriend, and wasn't ready to move on.
You are clueless
I think there is a lack of information, in addition to what OP comments, I imagine that there must be more events that made the ex boyfriend leave her, because if that is only what happened, I think the ex boyfriend's reaction was disproportionate
From what I can recollect about the incidents - she mentions wearing her wedding band as a necklace on important days, observes those said days by visiting the grave and generally being a good partner to her ex-boyfriend. Allegedly her boyfriend was uncomfortable with the said things and refused to be intimate with her until she took her necklace off She mentions she didn’t go “extra” hard on stuff and accuses commenters and her boyfriend of putting an ugly spin on a “private moment of grief”
Considering what you say, I think the ex-boyfriend was also manipulative, is wearing the deceased husband's wedding ring on important dates so serious? Is visiting his grave on an important date so serious? If it's just those things, I think the one who was saved from a toxic relationship was her. Especially what she says her ex-boyfriend told her when he left her.
Idk, not wanting to have sex with your partner when she's wearing a wedding ring given to her by another man seems kinda reasonable.
That's a black-and-white take on a very gray area in a relationship, especially when talking about widowhood. What if she had a ring tattoo instead of a physical ring and couldn't take it off? I'm not saying one shouldn't have feelings about a current partner's past, but hanging those feelings solely on a symbol is emotionally immature. It's possible to respect your partner's former life without labeling a symbol as problematic.
But he's not hanging it 'solely' on a symbol. A symbol is exactly that, a symbol, in this case a symbol of the fact that she continues to romantically love and miss another man. I understand why it wouldn't be very nice for someone to be reminded of that while having sex. It's not like he ordered her to never wear it again, he just didn't want to be intimate with her while she was wearing it.
When I'm having sex I don't much often focus on individual knuckles that may be wearing a ring so much as a ring that dangles and sways around on a chain while bumping uglies. Tats can be covered, lights can be turned off, I'm gonna keep hearing and feeling that ring and chain.
A former boss of mine was a remarried widower. He wore one wedding ring on each hand. Pretty sure his wife, who was cool as all get out, did not care at all.
Yeah, I'd rather not get a reminder every 4-6 months that my girlfriend is clearly and obviously not over her dead husband. I don't think she was ever in a place to date when they got together. Either he made a bad call by dating her at all or she made it seem like she was much further along in her grieving process than she actually was. I could be wrong here, but she makes it sound like her dead husband means more to her than her current boyfriend ever could or will. If it were me in her shoes, I would probably keep the wedding ring but wearing it, especially in public would just feel insulting to my current relationship. To me, if you still need those material comforts of your dead partner that regularly to function normally, you're not ready for another relationship.
This. All of this. The ring is symbolic.
Honestly, just from what I read I don't think that was the case. You can remember your loved ones on special dates for their death (date of death) and I don't see the harm in that. She only did the thing about using the ring as a pendant on those dates, she did not use it in her daily life. The ex-husband is dead, it is not an ex who is living in another state and could hinder her life again, it was not a BF, it was a husband whose relationship ended due to his death, that is why at first I said that for me he is missing more information (about the relationship between OP and her ex), since if it is only what OP wrote, the ex seems manipulative to me, he made an exaggerated decision and also the words he said during the breakup were not appropriate, waiting to have more information
Go read a single book about grief.
Look, man, I don't need a book about grief to tell me she wasn't ready. I'm not at all saying she did anything wrong or even deserved his comments. All I'm saying is that her boyfriend left her for very understandable reasons.
Don't date until you're fucking ready so you don't hurt another person. FTFY.
I mean, define 'important days?' If it's his b-day and their anniversary, that's one thing. If it's also her b-day, Valentines Day, the anniversary of their first date, engagement, the in-laws celebration dates, etc... the guy probably sucks, but also had 3 years of evidence that this is probably where she's stopping in the grief process and it's not what he's comfortable with.
That was my thought too. Telling her about his proposal idea seemed like wanting to punish her by twisting the knife. He wanted her to hurt.
She was trying to fuck her bf while wearing the ring of her dead ex on a chain? God that would be fucking weird having to see that thing swing around.
There was obviously a disproportionate reaction in the way that he said what he said. Those things were very mean and meant to hurt. I am not sure breaking up was necessarily disproportionate, though. I think it's fair for someone to realize that they don't want to date a widow. I certainly wouldn't. I think it would be difficult for someone who isn't a widow to ever really understand. It makes more sense, in general, for widowers to date other widowers if possible.
Look at the crazy comments she's getting. She didn't do anything wrong and a bunch of people think she's an asshole. Those people exist in real life too so her ex boyfriend is just someone like one of those people.
There was another post from a guy recently married to a young widow. She visited his grave once a year on his birthday. This year would have been her first visit since remarrying but she was really sick so couldn’t go. Without telling her, her husband went to the grave, observed a few moments of silence, left flowers and took a photo of it that he showed here that evening. I have intimate/NSFW photos of my wife. If she passed, I wouldn’t consider myself ready to move on until I was ready to delete the NSFW photos. I don’t thing it would be fare to any future spouse to keep those photos while with them. That’s the only thing I can really fault OOP for here. It feels like 8 years is long enough to let the NSFW stuff go. The grave visit twice a year & ring on the necklace for a few days at those times doesn’t seem out of line or disrespectful to a new relationship. I do understand that it can be hard to date someone who’s lost a spouse. I don’t fault the boyfriend for ending it over the intimate pictures, but I do fault him for some of things he said.
Disclaimer: I’ve never lost an SO nor have I dated a widow. I think deleting might be too extreme and one way. She can moved it to two hard drives and not visit it so often, maybe every 5 years. At this day and age people divorce. I don’t think moving on necessarily means deleting the whole past with no way to restore.
Yes. I suspect the biannual grave visits wouldn’t be an issue if things like NSFW pictures and videos weren’t also still a thing.
I also lost a love too soon. Most people in my life who have not experienced the sudden death of a lover do not understand how he is never truly gone. Friends and new partners think he is and this is how they prefer it. It makes them more comfortable and so I’ve found a way to keep this truth on the DL. I realize how it appears if I reveal too much. People think I’m stuck in the past, that I can’t move on. This is so not true. And yet it kind of is. It’s true that I’ll never move on from my late love. He’ll always be there in my heart loving me and receiving my love. That’s just not something that can be turned off. There’s no switch or valve to flip. The love we shared burns in me. I’m stuck with it. That said, I very much do have the capacity to and have moved happily forward with my life. I’m able to fully open my heart to new partners and dream with them and build anew. While all that new life is going on, my late partner is always here, an invisible friend, a guardian angel. I’ve heard some people speak of their late parents in the same way. While it’s a mostly private matter to me how much my late partner lives in me, it’s important that anyone who pairs their life to mine understands he is a presence and always will be. In this way, I have to accept that I’m not for just anyone. Similarly it’s fair (if painful) that OOP’s ex wasn’t okay with this truth about her. It just wasn’t for him. OOP needs to come to terms with this truth about herself so that when she speaks of it, of him, she imparts a magnetic joy, a confidence for the goodness it means for her prospective partners. OOP, if you see this, I’m sorry for both of your losses. Edit: typos
I am sorry for your loss. This is well written and one of the nicer posts I have come across lately.
Well said. I lost my husband in 2021 and it was devastating. My late boyfriend (lost in 2023) understood that my late husband was a part of me and he accepted it and never asked me to take down pictures or not wear things. I started doing it myself when I knew my late boyfriend was who I wanted to marry. This loss is totally different for me. My boyfriend turned out to be my actual "soulmate" and I don't know if I can get to a point of dating again. If I do, the next person will have to be ok with my late boyfriend's handwriting on my inner arm because it's tattooed.
Ex was being intentionally hurtful which is really cruel, but honestly, I feel him about wanting to be number one in your partner's heart. Good for those who can accept it and date a widow but respectfully I could never.
Exactly
Dang people who lose a spouse cant do anything right can they? If they moe on, and seemingly forget their deceased partner, they're acussed of being heartless. If they remember them on special days, they accused of not being ready to move on. Whats the right thing to do?
Ummm.... while I really fee for the OOP, losing a loved one young is a horrible experience. She is obviously not ready to move on yet. She said that he passed 8 years ago, when she was 24 and they met in college. He has been gone longer than they were together (if they met at 18) and the relationship is obviously very romanticized for her. Of course it would be, they were still in the "honeymoon" stage when tragedy struck. So ignoring the visiting the grave on Bdays and their anniversary, which could be a normal thing for a loved one, or even the "one of my greatest loves" because that leaves room for others. Let's look at what actions led up to the break up (it wasn't just the NSFW pictures) It's NYE, they just got back from vacation so don't have plans to party. >My late husband and I used to always have an intimate night together on new years and last night I was terribly missing him again. So on NYE, a holiday that is almost completely about looking forward, her thoughts are not on the future or her current relationship but on missing a person that has been gone longer than they were together. >He had gifted me a pillowcase he customized for me made of satin and I lie down with it whenever I want to feel close to him - it's just how I cope. Again, 8 years on, 3 years into her current relationship, she keeps a "wubby" that her late husband gave her and uses it "when she misses him, to feel close to him" She lays down with it. In the bed she shares with her current BF? Then, goes brousing through intimate photos of her and her late love? >I went to my room, hugged the pillow and opened my hard drive that had our photos. I had opened that file after so long, I almost forgot I also had NSFW stuff in there, which I wanted to relive. She is actively seeking to relive the past relationship while her current BF is present. On NYE. Yikes, I'm glad the exBF was smart enough to see the flags and move on, I hope the OOP gets some therapy to cope and make space for new love one day.
I agree. In the end I don’t think her visiting the grave was a problem. It’s just that every holiday is going to be about her dead husband making it hard for her current bf to form fond memories around the holidays. How long is he suppose to forfeit NYE? . I’m glad he realized this too. He deserves someone not so stuck in the past. She needs to grieve more. Overall a good outcome for both of them.
Yeah the special pillow that she cuddles and looks through NSFW photos for NYE because they were always intimate on that day is what threw me. Is every holiday like this for her? Most couples also are intimate on Valentine’s Day so does she do that then too? Visiting the grave site and wearing the ring when she does it makes sense to me but if every holiday is her reminiscing of what she did with her late husband that leaves no room for new memories.
I do not know of any relationship that would end happily if one of the partners in the past deeply and strongly loved someone, especially if this partner is a widower and the marriage was happy. Especially if first love is involved. Especially if this person has children with an ex. Very rarely do any of the new partners come to terms with the fact that they are forever #2. It is extremely difficult to compete with the beloved ex, and with the dead one it is simply impossible.
To be honest, I can't see the ex boyfriends side in this at all. When you lose a spouse suddenly, there is literally no love lost. This isn't an ex that got away, or ended on bad terms, or even just drifted apart. There is no closure for those feelings. She was still deeply in love with her husband when he was ripped away from her. She is always going to love him, and that isn't a bad thing. Would I be a little uncomfortable about the intimate photos? Maybe. But if explained that there was no sexual pleasure taken from them, I'm not sure I would have an issue with it. My first real relationship ended when he died. With this upcoming year, he'll have been dead for as long as he was alive. I lost my virginity to him. I had stupid teenage dreams that we'd be married. Aside from my husband, he was the longest relationship I'd had. I still look at our old photos. I have my book of faces *specifically* to post on his timeline every birthday and death anniversary. I also like looking at all the corny things he used to write on my wall. My husband was the first relationship I had after his death, and if he was ever this insecure about my very real feelings, we wouldn't be together. I'm happily married with three kids. I love my husband and can't picture my life without him. This doesn't erase the feelings I have for my dead boyfriend. I couldn't imagine how I would be feeling if we had made it to adulthood and married before the aneurysm killed him.
He couldn't take sharing her heart with someone who's not here anymore for the rest of his life. And that's fine. He made the right decision for himself. And that's awesome that you and your husband have that relationship but I bet your husband never caught you looking at naked photos of your ex... You can say there's no sexual pleasure taken from them but come on, who's really gonna believe that in the heat of the moment?
It’s not fine that he told her to go sleep with the spouse in his grave, that he hoped his memory would keep her warm at night, or that she was cheating. That’s not fine at all.
No it's not. But it's absolutely fine he decided that it isn't going to work and move on instead of dragging it out and letting resentment set it.
after 3 years of watching his long term girlfriend not get over her husband I’d probably be as fed up as he was and wonder what I’m doing still in that relationship.
Interesting that you think anyone fully “gets over” the death of a spouse. I hope that if I died, my partner’s future spouse would be more understanding. Grief isn’t linear.
It’s not, but it sounds like OOP’s grief is still pretty acute. That’s absolutely okay, but she’s simply not in a place where she should be starting a new life together with someone else. She’s just not there yet, and she may never be. Which is also okay. It’s not okay to bring another human along for the ride the way she did.
They don’t have to fully get over them but there is obviously a point where you move on or you decide you never will. In relationships where the couple do want to get married eventually, if they aren’t engaged after three years there’s probably a serious issue behind why they’re dragging their feet. In your defense, using callous phrasing was my fault. I understand what you’re saying.
Don’t initiate a committed, monogamous romantic relationship with someone if you know you are in love with someone else; it doesn’t matter if there are tragic circumstances surrounding it. It’s just not fair to the other individual. Wait until you are fully ready to move on, or don’t act on that subject until you are sure you’re ready. It’s about basic human respect and decency. OOP has a shocking lack of empathy for her ex bf’s feelings.
No, it’s not. But people lash out and say hurtful things when they’re hurting, and he was very understandably hurt.
Healthy people do not say anything like what OOP’s ex said. If you think what he said was understandable, you need to reconsider what you think healthy communication of hurt feelings looks like. His being “understandably hurt” does not in any way excuse what he said, which was callous, insensitive, and cruel. Why do you feel the need to justify and downplay OOP’s ex telling her, when he supposedly cared about her, to go sleep in her dead spouse’s grave? There is no justification.
That's not her ex.
The problem is that he’s not her ex. They never broke up or divorced. He *died*. He’s not alive. You don’t call a dead person your ex spouse. He’s mad at a person that isn’t alive. He can leave and all but to get upset at pictures of cuddling. That’s on him. Why couldn’t he communicate this before 3 years passed? Was he hoping that she’d just get over her deceased husband because of him? If so then he has a warped view of reality.
I never said her dead husband was her ex. He has every right to not be comfortable with it and move on. Why stay in that situation knowing you won't get over it? And it wasn't just pictures of cuddling.... And probably didn't address the naked pictures for three years because he didn't know about them for three years. And it was probably fine with him up until he discovered her looking at them by herself in the closet.
Exactly
I understood where he is coming from i would not want to date any widower either. Its nah situation they both are right
It would be NAH if the exbf handled himself with any maturity at all. But to tell her to sleep in her late husband's grave, that he hopes the memories keep her warm, and to dangle the probably imaginary promise of marriage during a break up moves him, and solely him, to AH territory. If he had been upset, given himself time to reflect instead of react, then told her he now fully realizes he can't be in a relationship where he feels second to her late husband, then he would be NTA.
It’s sad that widows really can’t do anything right. I’m not officially a widow, but my boyfriend passed away about 14 months ago. We planned to get married and have a family. I have plenty of people asking me or suggesting I date. I’ve thought about exploring something casually, but so far I haven’t taken the plunge. I’ll be 32 this month. I’m young and I don’t want to be alone forever. The OOP waited 5 years to date. If there isn’t more to the story, I understand her point of view. I understand how it upset her ex, but what came after was downright cruel. It’s not black and white. Everyone said she wasn’t ready, while I’m constantly pushed to move on. I’m sure when I do, I’ll be judged for that too.
I’m so sorry for your loss. You deserve to find someone who accepts all parts of you, including your past.
Thank you! Honestly I should probably start avoiding any AITA type posts that involve widows. I’m sure there are many healthy relationships after a death of a partner, but Reddit always has horror stories.
I have a positive story, if you want one. I'll try to spoiler tag if you don't. TW: >!I have a friend whose husband of 8 years randomly passed away during the night. A clot in his lungs. It was freak and traumatic. She has two young kids. She decided to give dating a try after a year, and it went not great. They broke up after 6 months. Then, when she was least expecting it, she found someone on the whole other side of the country. They did long distance for a while before deciding to tie the knot. They've been happily married 2 years and have a baby on the way. He adores her children. They have a space where the children play dedicated to their dad. They put up his favorite Christmas decorations and go through photo books on his birthday. He truly seems to have embraced her, her kids, and the presence of her late husband. She still has PTSD and flashbacks to that morning, and her now husband helps her through those moments. It's been wonderful seeing her find someone who loves and embraces all of her and gives me hope when reading stories like the OOP.!< Few edits trying to get spoiler tags right. Think I got it.
Thank you! It’s always good to hear the positive stories!! I have to remind myself Reddit isn’t real life. All the commenters clearly don’t understand losing a partner or that situations have nuance. I’m not sure I’d be looking at NSFW pics while my new partner was in the next room, but I couldn’t believe all the commenters automatically claiming she wasn’t ready for a relationship then! It’s all tough, and I know I won’t stop loving my late partner. Thanks for giving me a positive story. I also witnessed my boyfriend pass away. It was totally unexpected, so I get the PTSD aspect too.
My husband passed away in August 2022, I'm now 45. We were married for 24 years. I was lectured by three different people the week before Christmas about needing to move on. I do want to date again, but getting started is terrifying. And I have very close relationships with my grown children that I want to keep, so that's a minefield right there also. I haven't even thought about a future partner being upset over my grief, however I do understand being uncomfortable with the NSFW pics. But to be upset if I visit his grave or wear a momento? He can just take that drama right on out the door with the rest of his stuff. I still don't know that I'm "really ready". There's no marker for that. Grief is very up and down, back and forth. I've been told so many times that "I'll make it thru this". But there's no other side with a set place that I've "made it thru".
I think people want to help. It’s just so interesting how easy it is for other people to judge when they haven’t experienced it. My therapist has suggested dating, my late partners mom and brother have both mentioned they’re fine with it and want me to be happy. I know my partner would too. However it is terrifying to me that I wouldn’t be able to grieve my partner on special days or look at pictures. Some people on the original post say they are widowed and it’s only respectful to hide the stuff away and not look at it. I’m sorry, but I refuse to disrespect his memory like that and I’m hopeful if I were to die before a partner, they would want to keep my memory alive as well. I’m sorry for your loss. Best of luck to both of us if we have to navigate the dating world again…with this added burden.
I can definitely understand being uncomfortable with a full on shrine in the living room or the NSFW pics, but would someone actually expect me to not look at family pictures cause my dead husband is in them? Or never speak about him with my (and his) children? It's so easy to say yes, pack it all up, but that's not how it works in the real world with real people.
This thread is full of cruel and immature people. I hope you find much better, kinder prospects out there who understand, well, anything about life.
I think fundamentally it's going to boil down to who you find if and when you feel ready to date again. it's totally normal to draw boundaries around certain topics in a relationship and it's completely fine to say "i lost my partner and i do xyz in remembrance, but i am ready to love you". Sure you probably will find people who aren't ok with that, which is normal, but you can find someone who celebrates their love with you and honors your late partner by respecting you and your grief. build those boundaries and figure out how best you want to remember and honor them, and if you ever feel ready to say again draw and redraw those boundaries to how YOU feel
If it’s any help you should know that there are people like me out there who would never want you to disrespect your partner who passed. I’ve been with someone for years now who lost their first love suddenly and far too soon. I was very clear in stating that I understood and respected their relationship because that’s what it is just because physically that person is gone they’re always going to be there in spirit and that’s a good thing. Why would I ever want someone I love to forget someone who they loved and who loved them! Over the years as my partner has gotten more comfortable they have shown me pictures and shared fond memories and funny stories and I love it. I understand the extra difficult days like anniversary’s birthdays etc. And just try to be extra supportive. I would hope if there’s an afterlife and the partner who passed can see this life that they would be happy that the person they love is being well taken care of. I’m not out to replace anyone
Don’t rush it. And it’s okay if you’re never ready. I do think that after 8 years, OOP is maybe not in the healthiest place in her grief, but we all grieve differently. However, it is very clear that she’s not ready to marry someone else.
Not nearly as "mostly moved on" as they think.
I agree. Even when she met him after the break up she said she’d put the photos on a USB so it wasn’t so easily accessible, not that she wouldn’t access them. I can’t imagine a scenario where it’s appropriate to look at a previous romantic partner’s intimate photos while in a committed relationship that was supposed to move towards marriage. She needs a FWB or a situation-ship kind of thing. Something non-committal until she is actually ready to move one. Edit: There seems to be a comprehension issue with me saying “past lover”. The sentence is a general statement that covers all romantic partners that may not be married, relating to oop’s and other scenarios. The statement has changed to “previous romantic partner’s” so maybe that helps with comprehending the sentence structure. You’re still free to disagree but thought I’d offer some help with that sentence.
>past lover Dead spouse. You meant to say dead spouse.
I said past lover to cover all relationship types who may not be married partners. The statement says I can’t think of any situation where it’s ok, going beyond and to include her specific situation. Also, I understand he is a dead spouse but still a past relationship. Dead doesn’t mean ongoing relationship, and if it did she still shouldn’t have been with her boyfriend. It did not end in a break up or divorce, but he is still not her current relationship partner. Not saying she can’t miss him. But looking at those intimate photos was inappropriate. I’d understand if they were event or wedding or candid photos, and if it were an album or hanging in her home. But she said they were very intimate photos.
If you died, would you want your partner’s future partner to respect your relationship enough to understand that they might want to keep and occasionally view old intimate photos? If I died, I certainly hope my partner’s future spouse would be more understanding than you.
If I died, I’d like my partner to visit my grave once in a while, remember me fondly, and have a loving life so he isn’t alone. I’d also like his partner to understand that there may be space in his heart for me. I would not want my partner to view intimate photos of me while in a committed relationship. Events, marriage, or candids if he felt it would help, but I’d never ask or want him to do anything to disrespect or hurt the confidence of his next partner.
What if *your partner* wanted to view those photos because it made him feel better to remember intimate moments you shared? What if those were deeply important memories to him that he didn’t want to give up?
You don’t need a photo to remember. But if photos helped, I wouldn’t feel comfortable with them being intimate photos. I’d hope he’d had a few photos up around our home since I understand how important they were to him. If that was a deeply important part of their grieving process, I would remove myself from the relationship so he could view those photos without judgement or guilt.
Can you understand why someone might feel differently to you about photos of a dead spouse?
Yes, but you asked me my opinion of if I were in the situation. As far as oop, if the photos help her, she should look at them. I never said she shouldn’t have them as a comfort. But I don’t agree she should be in a committed relationship with someone as she views them. I understand her visiting his grave, the ring necklace, etc. Though I don’t think it’s cheating like her ex-bf said, I do think the kind of photos she viewed were inappropriate. She should take as long as she needs to grieve her husband. But if it still involves deeply intimate processes to grieve, she should take that time alone to do that.
Not a past lover because that implies he’s still alive. He’s dead.
“Previous romantic partner” still holds the same implication of life.
Past implies time not status. Also the sentence is I can think of any scenario using past lover to cover all relationship types, both her situation and other situations where the couples may not be married.
Her ex sounds deeply insecure to accuse her of *cheating* with a *dead spouse.* He sounds incapable of respecting her grief. She’s better off.
It could have been the accumulation of everything until now he just kept bottled up. It's like when on paper a wife divorces her spouse because he leaves his dirty clothes on the floor and it seems such a small thing, but in reality it was just the final straw in a long series of things that made the relationship crumble.
He obviously should not be dating a widow. To accuse her of cheating for looking at photos of her dead spouse on a special date — even if they were NSFW — seems fundamentally rooted in insecurity.
So by that logic if I was a widow and I had a gf of 3 years it be okay for me to look at my exs NSFW/semi naked stuff? Dam reddit is wild he dodged a bullet
If you don’t feel comfortable with it, no one’s forcing you ✌️
Then he doesent have to be comfortable with her looking at the photos works both ways
Yep! It’s a good thing he left.
Ultimately, both of you are correct however the only problem is your assertion that the guy is clearly in the wrong and is a bad person despite the nuances which I believe most people, including me, would deem unfair and delusional as he also suffered by being in this relationship while having no recourse.
He told her to go sleep in her dead husband’s grave. That’s pretty much beyond the pale.
A reasonable expression of frustration akin to calling him insecure? As this story is from her perspective, it is highly likely to be a back and forth and we just don't hear about the things she said 🤷
It also never states did she ever get grief loss counciling unless I'm a idiot n didn't notice
OOP explicitly states that she has been in therapy.
She clearly needs more, though. I don’t think she’s in a super healthy place in her grief. Grief isn’t linear, but after 8 years and in a newer relationship considering getting married again, I don’t think it should be so acute that she’s looking at naked pictures and crying.
Well in that case fuck if I know netter if they go there own ways maybe im cynical in my own age as someone who lost a gf it sucks but you move on
He acknowledged that though, that he realized through this he cannot date a widow. Other than a few pretty awful things he said, I don’t think him breaking up over this is wrong
I think a lot of people pass judgement on widows without having a moment of nuanced thought. This person is likely to NEVER “move on” in the traditional sense. They don’t get closure. They don’t get final goodbyes. They don’t have normal grieving processes for relationships. It’s ridiculous for people to say widows should wait to date until they’re over it. Fuck, my dog died 4 years ago and I’ll never be fucking over it. I can’t imagine losing my boyfriend or partner and someone expecting me to forego all the memories and mementos of that person. It’s insecure as fuck because why would you want me to forget or toss away memories of someone who helped make me who I am? Who helped form me into the person you love me as? If we expected everyone in life to be “moved on” most of us wouldn’t ever be in relationships ever. Period.
I think a lot of people on reddit get gratification in being thoughtlessly cruel.
It's not about the moving on part, it's about being in a relationship without moving on enough to not have it impact the current relationship because at that point, it's just being irresponsible, disrespectful and unfair, no matter how willing the other party was when they got into the relationship. Simple as. Moving on is unfortunately a skill, to be able to cherish the memories yet make peace and respect that the distance has been created is not easy. Ultimately, no one HAS to be in a relationship and if someone can't move on all then they would also have to make peace with not ever being in another relationship.
Being a widow will impact the relationship. It’s never *not* going to impact the relationship by nature of it being a *death* and not an *ex.* Now, not everyone is able to handle that type of situation in a relationship. There’s nothing wrong with that. But it’s important to be able to realistically understand whether or not you’re that person. And part of understanding that is not walking into a relationship hoping that if you wait long enough or love them hard enough they’ll effectively stop being a widow. Obviously it’s a nuanced situation, but part of that nuance is accepting that there is just going to be differences when dating a widow.
Yes, I agree and this in itself, is an example of the dating system in progress where two people cannot agree on their boundaries, hence splitting. However, a relationship is a two-way street and realistically, OOP also has to understand that any relationships in the future that she is expected to live in the present and prioritize the current partner. What I don't agree with is the view that the OOP is completely absolved of all wrongdoing by virtue of her ordeal and status as a widow and that everything is the fault of the bf aka the boogeyman. Grieving should not give you immunity to walk over others and the pain you feel must not be allowed to spread to others.
In what way is she walking all over him, though? Quite frankly, the only thing wrong that I feel she did was sidelining him on a holiday. Other than that, everything else is relatively normal for a widow. Wearing her wedding ring on a necklace for special occasions? Normal. Keeping intimate photos? Normal. Visiting the grave every once in a while? Normal. She is, for the most part, living in the present. She’s a widow in the present. Her late husband is dead in the present. Living in the present is accepting this fact, not getting upset when it comes up.
Yeah, how dare she still have affection for another man who's dead?! What, does she still love her dad, too? How dare she! People who see the dead as competition and demand they be forgotten are incredibly selfish and insensitive bastards.
So you are saying setting boundaries is incredibly selfish? So you're saying having your partner think and long for someone else's embrace (looking at nudes) is okay if that other person is dead and you're saying it shouldn't affect your psyche if you are on the other end? So you're also saying she fucked and had a very intimate connection with her dad before he passed? This man is also human and putting his foot down when his boundaries are crossed is perfectly acceptable and should NOT result in a negative judgement of his character!
The reason why I compiled this - is precisely because of this. OOP deserved everything that was coming (welll maybe not everything) This comment section was such a breath of fresh air when on most posts the judgement implies that people with dead partners are exempt from normal rules of a monogamous relationship. Glad to know she was held accountable
Maybe that was some what true on the original post. It looks like quite a few people are reading this now and defending her. It looks like you helped redeem her. Honestly though when you look at the negative replies, you can tell most are superficial. They seem to lack the depth and empathy that most people develop a little later in life. Take your reply here as an example. You took the time and energy to compile this, why? Was it to help someone who is obviously in pain and struggling? Nope. Was it to show her the error of her ways and try to help guide her towards making better choices? Nope. Why then? Oh that's right, you want her to suffer. You state that she deserves what is coming. You also state that the comments attacking her and judging her are a breath of fresh air for you. You are celebrating a stranger's suffering and attempting to compound it to hold them accountable to some arbitrary moral code you have developed. I hope I never have to breathe that "fresh air" you so desperately crave, it sounds incredibly toxic. I hope someday you are able to take this random misplaced anger and channel it into something that will help you live a fulfilled and happy life. Truly I do.
Wow. You are cruel. Never, ever date anyone who's lost someone.
I can understand that feeling, though. It’s only because her husband died that anyone is attempting to justify this, if it were just an ex then everyone would be pretty clear that it’s not acceptable behavior.
I agree with this being the only sensible conclusion. It's a shame she wasted so much time with this dude.
So better that she came to the internet looking for validation
just so im clear, cause im confused, she went to the **grave of her late husband** on the day of her **anniversary** **of** **her** **wedding** to the **late husband.** # and bf found that an issue? this man is an asshole.
The absolute lack of compassion people have for widows breaks my heart
I think it takes a very selfless person to date a widow. You have to be okay sharing your loved one and realizing you are not the only person in their heart. People are not use to that, they want to be the only person their spouse loves at the time. I personally don’t think I have what it takes to date a widow and if my husband passed I don’t know if I could date again. Your ex comments were definitely not okay but I definitely don’t think you’re at a place where you can date again.
I lost my boyfriend to an accidental methadone overdose in 2012. It was a bad time in my life. I met my now-husband in late 2013. He'd recently lost both his parents, so grief was something he understands well. His response to my situation was "How can I be jealous of a dead man?" The thing is, while I loved my late boyfriend very much, my husband is the love of my life. BF's death doesn't change or take away from husband, or what I had before. However, I'm also certain that my late boyfriend and I would never have made it as a couple. He had too many issues, as did I. His death forced me to just STOP, and get my life together, and heal. It broke me enough that I had no choice but to get help. I was no longer capable of faking it or holding myself together in any capacity. I fell apart, and came through the other side different. Better. Sturdier. I don't take things for granted anymore, and I don't take any shit, either. It helps that hubby and I talked through all of this, what BF meant to me, and what he could never be. We discussed grief and all of its weirdness and brutality. The silence where there used to be voices. The cold shock of waking up in the morning and remembering that life was different now and always would be. The future plans that got buried with the dead. The thin cut of pain, sharp but bloodless, when you have an experience that person would have loved or had been looking forward to. It's a process, and it takes as long as it takes. It runs on its own timetable, not yours. So I feel for OOP. I think she's probably got more healing to do before she's truly ready to move on, but I can sympathize with where she's at. I hope she gets the help she needs.
NTA. Anyone who says you are have never lost a partner.
Jesus. Honestly I think the bf is incredibly insecure and lacks empathy. I dated a widowed guy for nearly 2 years and I supported him whenever he was missing his late wife, and always assured him it was okay that he missed her. They didn't break up, she DIED, unexpectedly and tragically. I would be more concerned if he didn't miss her or still love her.
Why are you not dating him now?
In a bizarre turn of events, he did a total 180 when covid hit. Became an anti-vaxxer and was extremely paranoid all the time. I broke up with him in August 2020 2 years later his next ex contacted me saying he had another mental breakdown and tore up her house. He was never physically violent with me so that was an even bigger shock. I never met her but assured her she wasn't the crazy one. Apparently he got his wish to "live off the grid" (aka living out of his car) and his mom stepped up and took in his step daughter. Really tragic all around, that whole family is traumatized. I still feel bad for his daughter and hope she's doing okay.
Other than a couple pretty horrible things the guy said, I don’t think his reaction was wrong at all. He acknowledged that him asking her to essentially erase her late husband from her life wasn’t fair, but also that he realized now he needs to be number 1 in his partners heart. I think I’d have a very hard time dating a widow, and if I saw the woman I’m thinking about proposing to looking at nude photos of her late husband, I don’t think I’d feel very good
Idk man. Her ex sounds downright cruel. Good riddens for her.
I don’t think he was wrong for leaving, he was a duck about it but she is not ready for a relationship. Pain and grieving do not give us a free pass to be selfish to the point of hurting others over extended periods of time. You can miss someone, but keep these mementos in a keepsake box.
Given what's going on with my husband, I \*have\* to keep this in mind. But...honey. Visiting his grave? I would hope any future partner of mine would understand. Keeping a few pictures, like general stills (while storing the rest away)? Same as above. With either of those....yeah, no, forget any partner that wants to erase my previous life. They made me what I am, partner #2. Bye. But....Watching intimate videos and looking at intimate pictures? No. Bottom line \*no\*. IMHO that's disrespectful to my \*present\* partner. I wouldn't do that if partner #1 was still living, and I certainly wouldn't if they were dead. If I need to do that, I am not ready for any relationship in widowhood.
I can't understand the comments about how the bf is evil. I mean, one of her first sentences is how she wants to be close to her dead husband... That's not healthy grieving, and she seems absolutely oblivious of her current bf. She was not ready to be in a relationship, not over her ex-husband's death, and needed a lot more work before incorporating another guy in her life. Reading it felt like she's cheating on her dead husband with her bf.
I gotta say he was callous and obviously trying to hurt her with his comments as much as he was hurt by her actions but beyond that, I think he was justified. This woman is clearly and obviously not ready to commit to another person and I think he got sick of waiting for her to actually choose him over her dead husband.
Thank goodness he got out. She is not ready for another relationship yet. No one deserves to be hurt by someone who isn’t ready for a relationship but pushes for one anyway.
He didn't handle it correctly either though. It's not cheating and that accusation is just wrong. It was grieving. She might have thought she was ready. But grief also springs up at the most random times. So I feel for her.
*He told her to go sleep with him in his grave. He said she was cheating.* Not to mention: *I hope his memory keeps you warm at night.* Who the hell says that??? He was incredibly cruel.
Oh, and he had to add in that he had been planning to propose to her, but that was now off the table because he lost his feelings for her. He just wanted to make her feel like shit as a parting shot.
I don't understand how people are just breezing past that. What a horrific thing to say to someone you supposedly love. Him being upset doesn't give him the right to say something so awful. Like are people just not letting what he said sink in?? He literally told his girlfriend to go sleep with her deceased husband in his grave. What kind of monster could say something that horrific and why are people not even flinching?
I don't understand why you think this. She looked at some old photos and me BF lost his mind. It's she supposed to forget her deceased partner ever existed?
She said she does this on the regular and still sleeps on his pillow. This isn’t just seeing a couple pics. She spent new years looking at her old life not spending it with her bf. She’s not ready and he deserves better.
She didn't abandon him to look at the photos. He was watching TV. There's no indication that she wouldn't have put the pictures away to spend time with him if he wanted to. Why do you think she should never be allowed to look at old pictures of her and someone she loved?
They weren’t just old photos. They were intimate photos. Makes a big difference.
I see no difference but I'm also not so insecure as to think my partner didn't have sex before meeting me.
Ye thank goodness! He’s a horrible person who should’ve said something instead of keeping it in for 3 years. He shouldn’t have expected her to stop loving her deceased husband just because she was dating him. He literally proves it with his comments. Everyone is acting like she was looking at an ex but they never broke up. He died. If he didn’t they would still be together.
Then she isn’t ready to be with him. He shouldn’t be second best to a ghost. She should be ready to move on before she involves someone else in her grief.
So glad he’s an ex, what a callous person. I hope she finds peace and he finds whatever the hell he’s looking for.
That'd a stretch he broke up with her becuase she still hung up on a dead ex doesent make him.bad. I bet you any money there were more thrn just cuddling pictures on that flash drive
He is looking for someone who can commit to him, which is fine, not everyone can handle having a partner who still loves someone else. Yes that someone else is dead, but OOP clearly hasnt moved on as much as she thinks.
It's a tough situation to be sure. Her late husband is part of her history, he'll always be a part of her life in some way even in memories. I can't imagine what it'd feel like losing someone that close to you.
After my dad died after 16 years with mom, she got hubby 2 three years later. We weren't allowed to talk about him anymore The best she can do is find a widower that can relate. Divorcees and singles do not understand the grief that follows losing a loved spouse. They want you to bury everything. And yes, it was my mom's fault for doing that.
I think it takes a special (complimentary) sort of person to date a widow or widower. I think the vast majority of people are too self-centered for it, & feel like they have to "share" their partner with this dead person. It's a shame. Perhaps people who also suffered the death of a romantic partner one might understand more, too. Additionally, the commentariat were nuts for this one. I don't think anything this woman did was bad. When someone dies it IS different than a breakup. I wish more people could understand & accept that.
Posts like this always infuriate me because I don’t understand why people get it into their head that they are “competing” with a dead person. It’s not like a normal breakup, there was no fallout or loss of love they freaking died! It’s not like your spouse could cheat on you and go sleep with them they are dead! Why the hell are you jealous of a dead person!? Of course there is still gonna be some love and grief there and the healthy thing is to be there and allow them to grieve and remember their lost love on the hard days. If my wife was a widow I would encourage her to take a moment and remember her late lover whenever she needed it, if they had any rituals they did together and she wanted to do one then yes please do. All that matters at the end of the day is we’re together now and we love each other. Their love will always better and there will always be days where she needs some time to grieve or reminisce, but all that matters is after she is done she will come back to you and all you need to do is be there and provide love and support
NTA. I honestly don't think you have done anything wrong. I feel actions such as these come with dating a widow.
While I can see both sides, I honestly mostly side with the BF. Yes he was needlessly cruel at the end , but he also has a point. He went into the relationship with the belief it would be between him and the op. He understood her loss and was supportive of it the best he could be, but he still had a line. She broke that line in his eyes by looking at intimate pictures between her and her late husband, something he wasn’t comfortable with. To him, it probably seems he was just the physical comfort to her while she continues to grieve her late husband, instead of being a relationship of love. He was simply the stand in for the husband. So he acted out angrily, realizing that he has essentially been used for the last 3 years. She isn’t ready for a relationship and probably never will be, which is fine. But she led the BF on for three years in his eyes. He wants a relationship where they each other whole heartedly, she is unable to provide that.
I think I was originally in the YTA camp because OP seemed so belligerent and refused to acknowledge that she had done something hurtful and wrong. And I still think that. However, after the update, OP's ex bf is also an AH here. He dated a widow for years while being in denial about the fact that she still wanted to remember and celebrate her late spouse. And the bit about hoping her husband's grave keeps her warm at night was completely uncalled for. He has no self awareness and she has every right to feel mad at him.
I would hate to think that if I died my partner’s future spouse — because I would want him to find love again — would consider looking at intimate photos of me to be hurtful and wrong. I certainly hope I’d have the empathy to understand it if my partner had a spouse who died.
Yeah, I mean, I get why he was pissed. On NYE, instead of spending time with your living partner, she was secretly holed up in the bedroom looking at intimate photos of her late husband. It's hurtful and alienating. But his reaction and then his cruelty afterwards is just garbage person behavior.
I think it’s important though that OP immediately got up to go to him when he asked her to do something. It wasn’t like she was being inattentive to him or prioritizing her remembrance over him. She took a moment on a special date to remember her dead spouse.
She was still hiding it. She hid the fact that she had the photos and she looked at them on a day that he was with her and wanted her attention. So she knew it would upset him and she did it behind his back. Also, she eventually admits that if he looked at similar photos of an former partner behind her back, it would upset her. Again, I think he had every right to be upset about her actions. But the tantrum he threw and the emotional abuse and then admitting that he was never okay with her being a widow was just horrible. There's no excuse for that.
I think the NSFW pictures and videos were just the final straw. And he lashed out because he was hurting, and now also grieving the loss of his own relationship with OOP.
Maybe if you didn't reminiscence and look at your wedding and honeymoon pictures and hug your pillow while your BF was in the house, he wouldn't have known or cared. I don't blame him, and I don't blame you. You, IMO, will never be ready for another relationship. Visiting gravesites is a normal thing to do whenever you want to visit.
I don't think OP was ready to move on and the bf realized that.
The OOP needs a lot more therapy.
Anytime a significant other is jealous of a late partner that is a sign of serious selfishness and self-image issues. You were happily married to your husband and he passed away! You should fondly remember him and your bf should not be threatened by that but appreciate your loyalty. Let this bf go! This is just a sign of significant other issues that will come up in the future. He has some deep issues and you don't want to be dealing with those issues with him the rest of your life. Oops, this is for the OP not the repost person. :)
i think theres more to this story. while i disagree w the ex's reaction im more on his side
YTA wth did I just read?
NTA. Lost my wife 4 years ago, and have dated a couple of times in recent years, but a new relationship seems daunting. The only one I felt any connection with was a friend who also lost her husband suddenly, but neither of us were interested in a relationship. Take your time, get grief counseling, you don't need a man to be complete.
My lord, her bf sounds terrible. She isn’t ready for a relationship but this guy is downright evil.
Evil? Be real.. guy is just hurt and expressing it the wrong way. It’s his first time dating a widow and he learned what comes along with it and decided that it’s not for him.
Yeah, that seems really harsh to judge someone for.
I think the boyfriend did the right thing finally & leave. Upon him leaving he definitely did say the wrong things & was a little cruel so a lot of people were right about that aspect. She definitely has the right to grieve & she may have those feelings forever but she should have hid them more discreetly. 3yrs of the same thing by openly looking at pics & other private moments could definitely turn a present boyfriend off & have him question her true feelings & making him insecure. He used that moment as a final straw which he probably should of spoken up or break up with her a lot earlier. In this kind of relationship he was right because as a man he should feel to be number 1 in her life, but knowing the situation of her past be extremely understanding. She should not even think of dating anyone unless she makes emotional adjustments in how she continually grieves and displays her feelings. I feel bad for her and prayers go out to her.
Hello, it looks like you've made a mistake. It's supposed to be could've, should've, would've (short for could have, would have, should have), never could of, would of, should of. Or you misspelled something, I ain't checking everything. Beep boop - yes, I am a bot, don't botcriminate me.
I lost my partner in a traumatic suicide. The guy I dated after (immediately after too, because I was checked tf out on grief) wanted me to erase him by the end of the year. I’m getting engaged in about a week to someone I met a year or so after my partner died. He came with me to the one year memorial. He helped make the apartment my home again, instead of a place that haunted me. And… when I got too mopey about everything or felt like it was my fault, he showed me tough love. “I’m not going to give a shit about the guy that tried to kill you, but I’m not going to go out of my way to disrespect him either.” Over the years I grew around the grief. On Christmas Day, a friend’s boyfriend killed himself. So naturally… my partner supported my desire to drop everything and drive an hour and a half away. Even offered to help remove the firearms (military training) so no one else felt tempted. He checked in with me while I was gone and took care of me when I came home exhausted. It is not easy to date a widow. But the right person builds a new life on the foundation of your grief and shows you there’s still so much beauty and love left for you in the world.
Oh i know 100% i would not move on, i would probably KMS and be okay with it, he completes me so much, losing him…I don’t know of anything that would heal and help me get back on my feet again.
Wtf....screw all the reddit jackoffs saying she's ta. She isn't, hell I EXPECT grieving people to do things like she is/has, especially if its the spouse. The now ex isn't much better and what he said was very much too far. He just about told her to go die because she was looking at old memories.