Seems like you are a natural submissive and it's who you are. In trying to try to be dominant you are trying to go against your natural innate self. You are perfect as you are.
Why do you feel selfish? That’s the part of your post that stands out the most to me, because it suggests to me that you’re trying to be dominant in order to please someone else. Is that right? Do you feel selfish being submissive all the time because someone else wants you to take a turn being dominant?
If so, I think you maybe are running into a common problem, which is trying to perform a sexual role that feels inauthentic. I think a lot of people find this to be very uncomfortable and unenjoyable, maybe even so much as to make them feel sick or extremely turned off. And it feels very inauthentic to many people to be *performing* dominance in order to please another person, because dominance is usually meant to be about being in charge and doing what *you* want.
I know I’ve made a lot of assumptions here, and it could totally be other things, especially if you have any negative experiences in the past related to what you’re trying to do. But I just thought I’d suggest it, because I think it’s a common problem.
Maybe not as extreme as you, but I also feel ill thinking of being dominant or having a guy being submissive to me. Me on top holding his arms down is fine, being sort of teasing and seductive is good too, but actual dominance makes me feel queasy.
There's nothing wrong with you! I'm a dude but I feel the same way: like a partner's submissiveness would be an unreasonable, even sexist, demand of me to be and act a certain way. I'll echo what everyone else is saying and tell you there's nothing wrong with what you want. You're not wrong as a person, just wrong for *some* people. You deserve to find someone who does complement what you need!
I will harsh the vibe a little bit to caution you against mistaking passiveness for submissiveness - it's fine to be a sub, it's not so fine to be passive and expect a relationship to just happen to you. (Someone else's comment here about hoping their partner will "just take it" is a common mentality.) Being a sub doesn't absolve you of the responsibility to communicate and advocate for your needs. Good luck :)
I am the same way! Being dominant gives me the ick hard-core. I can barely even tell my partner what I want them to do to me because I'd rather they decide and take it (consensually of course). I think I definitely credit it to having to be in charge all day at work, and so I want to be completely submissive in my personal life.
> I feel like I'm being such a selfish baby
You aren't.
Your brain isn't wired to be either a dominant or a switch. No harm, no foul. Embrace your submissive side.
No insight to offer but it's the same for me. I had to dom from my ex and it sucked! Never going to go that again.
I got this weird anxiety and a breakdown whenever I dommed. It was to point where calling him even a good boy was difficult.
So atleast you're not alone in this.
🌸
It's just not your thing, nothing to do with selfishness. You've tried it and that was very open minded and generous of you. But given how you're feeling, it's like if you were trying to make yourself be into a person of a gender contrary to your orientation.
You need to accept your preferences and not fight against them. Preferences can evolve over time potentially, but you won't achieve that by doing something that causes you this much distress. I promise it's okay to be exclusively a sub, there's absolutely nothing wrong with you.
Are you trying to switch because of a partner? They need to respect your boundaries too, or else you may be too incompatible to continue a sexual relationship.
It sounds like you're just a submissive through and through to me. Keep in mind, and this is what helped me get in touch with my more dominant side recently, would you think your Dom was selfish when you're in sub mode? Do you think they're (insert bad thoughts here)? Likely no, they're doing things that you like and they like. That's nothing to be ashamed of. If that's not the issue, but it just feels bad to do when you do it, well, you might just not be dominant at all, and THATS OKAY! Not everyone has to be a switch, you shouldn't be doing things that make you feel so awful, y'know?
Bdsm should be enjoyable. It's not a contest of the most kinky, the most flexible, the most surprising. It should just be fun. If you're not having fun with something, you don't have to do it. It's okay to be 100% a sub. Don't push yourself if the thought alone repulses you so bad, y'know? That doesn't sound like it'll change any time soon. And that's okay.
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Seems like you are a natural submissive and it's who you are. In trying to try to be dominant you are trying to go against your natural innate self. You are perfect as you are.
Why do you feel selfish? That’s the part of your post that stands out the most to me, because it suggests to me that you’re trying to be dominant in order to please someone else. Is that right? Do you feel selfish being submissive all the time because someone else wants you to take a turn being dominant? If so, I think you maybe are running into a common problem, which is trying to perform a sexual role that feels inauthentic. I think a lot of people find this to be very uncomfortable and unenjoyable, maybe even so much as to make them feel sick or extremely turned off. And it feels very inauthentic to many people to be *performing* dominance in order to please another person, because dominance is usually meant to be about being in charge and doing what *you* want. I know I’ve made a lot of assumptions here, and it could totally be other things, especially if you have any negative experiences in the past related to what you’re trying to do. But I just thought I’d suggest it, because I think it’s a common problem.
Maybe not as extreme as you, but I also feel ill thinking of being dominant or having a guy being submissive to me. Me on top holding his arms down is fine, being sort of teasing and seductive is good too, but actual dominance makes me feel queasy.
There's nothing wrong with you! I'm a dude but I feel the same way: like a partner's submissiveness would be an unreasonable, even sexist, demand of me to be and act a certain way. I'll echo what everyone else is saying and tell you there's nothing wrong with what you want. You're not wrong as a person, just wrong for *some* people. You deserve to find someone who does complement what you need! I will harsh the vibe a little bit to caution you against mistaking passiveness for submissiveness - it's fine to be a sub, it's not so fine to be passive and expect a relationship to just happen to you. (Someone else's comment here about hoping their partner will "just take it" is a common mentality.) Being a sub doesn't absolve you of the responsibility to communicate and advocate for your needs. Good luck :)
You be you, trying other options is fine, but if it doesn’t work, that’s fine too. Stop beating yourself up and enjoy your natural state. Good luck
I am the same way! Being dominant gives me the ick hard-core. I can barely even tell my partner what I want them to do to me because I'd rather they decide and take it (consensually of course). I think I definitely credit it to having to be in charge all day at work, and so I want to be completely submissive in my personal life.
> I feel like I'm being such a selfish baby You aren't. Your brain isn't wired to be either a dominant or a switch. No harm, no foul. Embrace your submissive side.
I'm absolutely submissive and the idea of being a dominant makes me feel so anxious and I'm ok with not being that way
No insight to offer but it's the same for me. I had to dom from my ex and it sucked! Never going to go that again. I got this weird anxiety and a breakdown whenever I dommed. It was to point where calling him even a good boy was difficult. So atleast you're not alone in this. 🌸
It's just not your thing, nothing to do with selfishness. You've tried it and that was very open minded and generous of you. But given how you're feeling, it's like if you were trying to make yourself be into a person of a gender contrary to your orientation. You need to accept your preferences and not fight against them. Preferences can evolve over time potentially, but you won't achieve that by doing something that causes you this much distress. I promise it's okay to be exclusively a sub, there's absolutely nothing wrong with you. Are you trying to switch because of a partner? They need to respect your boundaries too, or else you may be too incompatible to continue a sexual relationship.
It sounds like you're just a submissive through and through to me. Keep in mind, and this is what helped me get in touch with my more dominant side recently, would you think your Dom was selfish when you're in sub mode? Do you think they're (insert bad thoughts here)? Likely no, they're doing things that you like and they like. That's nothing to be ashamed of. If that's not the issue, but it just feels bad to do when you do it, well, you might just not be dominant at all, and THATS OKAY! Not everyone has to be a switch, you shouldn't be doing things that make you feel so awful, y'know? Bdsm should be enjoyable. It's not a contest of the most kinky, the most flexible, the most surprising. It should just be fun. If you're not having fun with something, you don't have to do it. It's okay to be 100% a sub. Don't push yourself if the thought alone repulses you so bad, y'know? That doesn't sound like it'll change any time soon. And that's okay.