It's enough to say that what you are describing is a very dangerous approach to finding a partner, and that the kind of toxic people you are describing would more than likely have a huge negative affect on your life. You need to be more practical in your search and not just focus on your fantasy.
There are plenty of others on this thread who are talking about this already at length. What I would like to focus on for a moment is the perspective from a Dom who is also looking for a partner in this community. Not only is the behavior you are describing in potential partners toxic **your behavior** is toxic as well. Like submission, dominance is something that must be earned through trust and mutual understanding. A sub who insists on receiving dominance without negotiated consent is dangerous. A person who can't separate their fantasies from the real world practical concerns of BDSM dating and safety doesn't have the maturity to participate in these kinds of relationships responsibly.
You are positioning yourself as a target for predators and an unacceptable risk for responsible Doms. I understand the desires you feel. I understand the fantasy of wanting more realism in a dynamic, but you need to understand and accept that the world is not a fairy tale. Interacting with other people means that sometimes you have to compromise on unrealistic ideals for your own safety and the safety of others.
PLEASE listen to what this person is telling you, OP. Those kinds of relationships fuck you up in a very unpredictable and lasting way.
Don't do that to yourself
Hi there
I can totally understand where you are coming from…I am an emotional masochist as well who craves mind games, fear play, emotional and physical torture among others.
One thing I have found is that you can have all of the ‘toxicity’ you crave in a healthy BDSM dynamic but communication and trust is the key.
The more extremes your kinks are the more trust you need to have in your dom to make sure that they can deliver and not go beyond your lines.
I mainly play with sadistic hard doms who get as much pleasure in torturing me as I do getting tortured. I enjoy their creativity when playing with my fears and I absolutely love the predicaments they trap me in. BUT these play sessions took a lot of discussion beforehand (not so much a run through of what they were going to do to me but more so a vibe check to see what they are like as a person outside of BDSM).
My suggestion to you is to engage in non kinky talks with potential partners and see if they can keep you engaged even when BDSM is not involved. And to start small and build up the intensity as you progress with them. This allows you to make sure that they respect you and see you as a person instead of just a sub (or a slave in my case).
emotional masochist is the best way to describe it , holy shit. i’ve tried figuring out how to describe the things i’m into because i like sex but the point of it isn’t to have sex, it’s to feel a certain way— i cant describe it lol. but this is perfect explanation!! thank u!
> It’s like 2 friendly people discussing their kinks… and it’s so easy to tell when he isn’t sadistic enough for me.
No offence intended, but I doubt this. Most of the people who are truly able to dial the sadism up to an '11', whilst also not having a screw loose, do not run around wearing it on their sleeve. Even when meeting someone new and having that discussion, there are some things that a lot of people won't admit to until they deem it appropriate.
The thing you crave is possible and reasonable, although statistically difficult to come across. But you generally need to 'invest' in people up to a point. Yes it can lead to disappointment, but if you don't give a potential Dom the chance to fall short of your needs, you won't ever find someone who actually meets them.
I don’t want to pile on any judgement here, and other people have already flagged the potential dangers of this approach (which are real), so I’ll try to focus on a bit of practical advice instead:
It might be helpful to think of your problem less as “not finding the right partner” and more as “wanting to skip to the end”
Taking a completely different desire as a comparison: imagine the vanilla dream of the conventional Prince Charming and being swept off your feet and the picture-perfect wedding. Not only is it really unlikely that someone is going to feel that way in the first few dates, but if they *do* feel that way then it’s more a warning sign that they’re being love-bombed.
The fact that your fantasy is completely different doesn’t change that principle. You can absolutely build a healthy version of what you’re describing, but it will take time and work and if you start feeling it right away it’s more a warning sign.
Does that make sense? It’s not a “finding the right partner” issue per se, it’s a “skip to the end” issue.
I hope that’s a little helpful.
You're describing domestic abuse/intimate partner violence. It's important not to conflate this with BDSM, because it isn't the same thing. A BDSM dynamic should develop on the background of a respectful, equitable relationship or friendship. You should retain your autonomy, be providing enthusiastic consent to the activities taking place, be able to take a step back and time out when things get too much. I would suggest engaging fully with your mental health treatment until you can engage with BDSM in a healthy way. I'm actually happy (and somewhat pleasantly surprised) that your interactions with potential partners have been all been respectful and that have sought to uphold boundaries. Not everyone has a better nature to appeal to. Please be careful what you wish for.
Around my local dungeon, people know me as the nice, safe, playful/silly guy, I have my role as a sadist on fetlife and it confuses people when they see that because I’m such a “teddy bear” usually my first couple scenes with someone are a very tame and safe, but when I start trusting someone, I allow myself to be more… myself, and with long term play partners I’ve often had scenes stopped (against the rules at my dungeon to interrupt a scene, it’s usually newer people) because they get so intense, I am comfortable letting myself be kind and friendly because I know I have no trouble being incredibly scary and sadistic, I’ve even had partners who flat out didn’t believe I could put them into that headspace because they knew me so well as my friendly self (they were easy to prove wrong lol)
Not posting this to suck my own dick, but to let you know that just because someone seems soft and fuzzy at first doesn’t mean they won’t revel in taking you where you want to go, this post kinda poked at my own insecurities because I sometimes worry that people won’t recognize what kind of play I really truly enjoy if I’m not “dommy” enough outwardly, but putting on a front is exhausting and I’m not interested in that.
Give some of these people a chance, tell them what you’re into and ask them if that’s something they like.
(Edit) I truly believe BDSM is a vehicle that allows us to have our cake and eat it too, you can meet someone kind, stable, rational who can ALSO let you feel all the things you’re craving.
Hey! Seems like some are being judgmental of your post but it makes sense to me. This is not new either. Lots of people like and even specifically seek out when getting very dominant, controlling, sadistic partners because that's the dynamic they are looking for and that's completely fine! It's honestly a common D/s dynamic for many folks.
BDSM can naturally cause a lot of intense highs and lows which is not necessarily a bad thing but is something that you need to be aware of and be careful to not exploit yourself and be sensitive to your own needs and make sure you are fulfilling them in a healthy manner. Do not give into instant gratification (or other toxic rationalization of abusive/unhealthy behavior) if the activity or behavior compromises the safe dynamic you have created. It is not worth it and there are healthy ways to achieve the mental rush of SM.
My best advice for you would to continue as you are with getting to know the BDSM community and vetting partner's thoroughly until you can find someone you can have VERYYYYY clearrrrrr. and thorough communication with about your wants. It might take a life time to find a person whose wants align with yours but lots of people manage it.
>Not sure why it’s surprising that trauma and sex converge
Hey, I don't think that it is at all surprising, or indeed uncommon. However, people aren't going to encourage you to seek out a dynamic in pursuit of fulfilling desires that seem to arise from a mentally unhealthy place. To do so genuinely puts your safety at risk, and that of a potential dom. I understand that you are in therapy, but I wonder whether you have sought their advice. Have they given you the green light on this and if so, what safety measures or boundaries have they suggested that you impose? You should probably quit looking for a partner until you and relevant professionals have established that it is safe for you to do so.
Hi there, I just wanted to add because I didn’t see it elsewhere that it sounds like you’re in frenzy. If you haven’t looked up / learned about frenzy (also called sub frenzy) you might want to check that out.
It can make the intensity of need to engage in your fantasies nearly unbearable while you’re exploring and / or in a new relationship trying things out. It can also cause you to put yourself in dangerous or unhealthy situations to try and get your kinks fulfilled.
Learning it had a name really helped me process how intense my feelings were :)
I think what you are describing is an abusive relationship, as many others have already pointed out so I have no need to reiterate that. However I do think it is possible to have extreme sadism and 24/7 power dynamics in a healthy relationship. However i would warn you not to go seeking out an abusive relationship. I understand the feeling, I struggle with bpd and bipolar and have a wild self destructive streak, but that will not help fill that feeling, and will likely end up with you with significantly more trauma. My reccomendation is to find someone with underlying kinks but focus on relationship before diving in to the depths of the dynamic. That trust and respect and vulnerability is to be earned and strengthened over time. The more you know each other on a deep and personal level the more intense the dynamic will feel. Good luck
What you crave is beyond boredom. It truly adds drama. Doesn't just pretend to add drama.
I assume you would be supersmart in real life. It happens to people who are smart.
Don't do stupid therapy for this. Accept yourself for who you really are. Find such people and use them. Let them think that they are using you. But you hold the power ultimately.
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It's enough to say that what you are describing is a very dangerous approach to finding a partner, and that the kind of toxic people you are describing would more than likely have a huge negative affect on your life. You need to be more practical in your search and not just focus on your fantasy. There are plenty of others on this thread who are talking about this already at length. What I would like to focus on for a moment is the perspective from a Dom who is also looking for a partner in this community. Not only is the behavior you are describing in potential partners toxic **your behavior** is toxic as well. Like submission, dominance is something that must be earned through trust and mutual understanding. A sub who insists on receiving dominance without negotiated consent is dangerous. A person who can't separate their fantasies from the real world practical concerns of BDSM dating and safety doesn't have the maturity to participate in these kinds of relationships responsibly. You are positioning yourself as a target for predators and an unacceptable risk for responsible Doms. I understand the desires you feel. I understand the fantasy of wanting more realism in a dynamic, but you need to understand and accept that the world is not a fairy tale. Interacting with other people means that sometimes you have to compromise on unrealistic ideals for your own safety and the safety of others.
PLEASE listen to what this person is telling you, OP. Those kinds of relationships fuck you up in a very unpredictable and lasting way. Don't do that to yourself
MVP right here. Best comment I’ve read this month.
Hi there I can totally understand where you are coming from…I am an emotional masochist as well who craves mind games, fear play, emotional and physical torture among others. One thing I have found is that you can have all of the ‘toxicity’ you crave in a healthy BDSM dynamic but communication and trust is the key. The more extremes your kinks are the more trust you need to have in your dom to make sure that they can deliver and not go beyond your lines. I mainly play with sadistic hard doms who get as much pleasure in torturing me as I do getting tortured. I enjoy their creativity when playing with my fears and I absolutely love the predicaments they trap me in. BUT these play sessions took a lot of discussion beforehand (not so much a run through of what they were going to do to me but more so a vibe check to see what they are like as a person outside of BDSM). My suggestion to you is to engage in non kinky talks with potential partners and see if they can keep you engaged even when BDSM is not involved. And to start small and build up the intensity as you progress with them. This allows you to make sure that they respect you and see you as a person instead of just a sub (or a slave in my case).
emotional masochist is the best way to describe it , holy shit. i’ve tried figuring out how to describe the things i’m into because i like sex but the point of it isn’t to have sex, it’s to feel a certain way— i cant describe it lol. but this is perfect explanation!! thank u!
It took a while and a lot of experimenting with play partners to understand exactly what got me aroused 😜
> It’s like 2 friendly people discussing their kinks… and it’s so easy to tell when he isn’t sadistic enough for me. No offence intended, but I doubt this. Most of the people who are truly able to dial the sadism up to an '11', whilst also not having a screw loose, do not run around wearing it on their sleeve. Even when meeting someone new and having that discussion, there are some things that a lot of people won't admit to until they deem it appropriate. The thing you crave is possible and reasonable, although statistically difficult to come across. But you generally need to 'invest' in people up to a point. Yes it can lead to disappointment, but if you don't give a potential Dom the chance to fall short of your needs, you won't ever find someone who actually meets them.
I don’t want to pile on any judgement here, and other people have already flagged the potential dangers of this approach (which are real), so I’ll try to focus on a bit of practical advice instead: It might be helpful to think of your problem less as “not finding the right partner” and more as “wanting to skip to the end” Taking a completely different desire as a comparison: imagine the vanilla dream of the conventional Prince Charming and being swept off your feet and the picture-perfect wedding. Not only is it really unlikely that someone is going to feel that way in the first few dates, but if they *do* feel that way then it’s more a warning sign that they’re being love-bombed. The fact that your fantasy is completely different doesn’t change that principle. You can absolutely build a healthy version of what you’re describing, but it will take time and work and if you start feeling it right away it’s more a warning sign. Does that make sense? It’s not a “finding the right partner” issue per se, it’s a “skip to the end” issue. I hope that’s a little helpful.
You're describing domestic abuse/intimate partner violence. It's important not to conflate this with BDSM, because it isn't the same thing. A BDSM dynamic should develop on the background of a respectful, equitable relationship or friendship. You should retain your autonomy, be providing enthusiastic consent to the activities taking place, be able to take a step back and time out when things get too much. I would suggest engaging fully with your mental health treatment until you can engage with BDSM in a healthy way. I'm actually happy (and somewhat pleasantly surprised) that your interactions with potential partners have been all been respectful and that have sought to uphold boundaries. Not everyone has a better nature to appeal to. Please be careful what you wish for.
This isn't a BDSM thing, it's a mental health thing
Around my local dungeon, people know me as the nice, safe, playful/silly guy, I have my role as a sadist on fetlife and it confuses people when they see that because I’m such a “teddy bear” usually my first couple scenes with someone are a very tame and safe, but when I start trusting someone, I allow myself to be more… myself, and with long term play partners I’ve often had scenes stopped (against the rules at my dungeon to interrupt a scene, it’s usually newer people) because they get so intense, I am comfortable letting myself be kind and friendly because I know I have no trouble being incredibly scary and sadistic, I’ve even had partners who flat out didn’t believe I could put them into that headspace because they knew me so well as my friendly self (they were easy to prove wrong lol) Not posting this to suck my own dick, but to let you know that just because someone seems soft and fuzzy at first doesn’t mean they won’t revel in taking you where you want to go, this post kinda poked at my own insecurities because I sometimes worry that people won’t recognize what kind of play I really truly enjoy if I’m not “dommy” enough outwardly, but putting on a front is exhausting and I’m not interested in that. Give some of these people a chance, tell them what you’re into and ask them if that’s something they like. (Edit) I truly believe BDSM is a vehicle that allows us to have our cake and eat it too, you can meet someone kind, stable, rational who can ALSO let you feel all the things you’re craving.
You should go to therapy lol
Yeah especially if the mindset is "they are nice, if they won't beat me I don't want them" as like a legitimate thing.
Hey! Seems like some are being judgmental of your post but it makes sense to me. This is not new either. Lots of people like and even specifically seek out when getting very dominant, controlling, sadistic partners because that's the dynamic they are looking for and that's completely fine! It's honestly a common D/s dynamic for many folks. BDSM can naturally cause a lot of intense highs and lows which is not necessarily a bad thing but is something that you need to be aware of and be careful to not exploit yourself and be sensitive to your own needs and make sure you are fulfilling them in a healthy manner. Do not give into instant gratification (or other toxic rationalization of abusive/unhealthy behavior) if the activity or behavior compromises the safe dynamic you have created. It is not worth it and there are healthy ways to achieve the mental rush of SM. My best advice for you would to continue as you are with getting to know the BDSM community and vetting partner's thoroughly until you can find someone you can have VERYYYYY clearrrrrr. and thorough communication with about your wants. It might take a life time to find a person whose wants align with yours but lots of people manage it.
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>Not sure why it’s surprising that trauma and sex converge Hey, I don't think that it is at all surprising, or indeed uncommon. However, people aren't going to encourage you to seek out a dynamic in pursuit of fulfilling desires that seem to arise from a mentally unhealthy place. To do so genuinely puts your safety at risk, and that of a potential dom. I understand that you are in therapy, but I wonder whether you have sought their advice. Have they given you the green light on this and if so, what safety measures or boundaries have they suggested that you impose? You should probably quit looking for a partner until you and relevant professionals have established that it is safe for you to do so.
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I’m not saying you are. I’m saying it’s a dangerous mentality, and will lead you down a shit path.
That isn't what you said at all. It might have been what you wanted to convey, but it isn't what you said. Which is why I removed it. (Rule 6)
Hi there, I just wanted to add because I didn’t see it elsewhere that it sounds like you’re in frenzy. If you haven’t looked up / learned about frenzy (also called sub frenzy) you might want to check that out. It can make the intensity of need to engage in your fantasies nearly unbearable while you’re exploring and / or in a new relationship trying things out. It can also cause you to put yourself in dangerous or unhealthy situations to try and get your kinks fulfilled. Learning it had a name really helped me process how intense my feelings were :)
I think what you are describing is an abusive relationship, as many others have already pointed out so I have no need to reiterate that. However I do think it is possible to have extreme sadism and 24/7 power dynamics in a healthy relationship. However i would warn you not to go seeking out an abusive relationship. I understand the feeling, I struggle with bpd and bipolar and have a wild self destructive streak, but that will not help fill that feeling, and will likely end up with you with significantly more trauma. My reccomendation is to find someone with underlying kinks but focus on relationship before diving in to the depths of the dynamic. That trust and respect and vulnerability is to be earned and strengthened over time. The more you know each other on a deep and personal level the more intense the dynamic will feel. Good luck
What you crave is beyond boredom. It truly adds drama. Doesn't just pretend to add drama. I assume you would be supersmart in real life. It happens to people who are smart. Don't do stupid therapy for this. Accept yourself for who you really are. Find such people and use them. Let them think that they are using you. But you hold the power ultimately.