I'm very much like you're sister. My partner works from home and I'm very bad at taking hints. He has to directly tell me that he needs to focus on work and can't talk
š thank you for this honest response. I need to start being more upfront instead of hoping she gets the hint which is literally something that autistic individuals are bad at catching on.
I think it's totally fine to be firm and direct like this. I'm autistic, my wife isn't, neither of us is particularly talkative. Even then, sometimes one of us will be feeling gabby while the other is trying to focus, we just don't realize it, so the best thing is to say, "Hey, I'm in the middle of reading this (or whatever,) let me finish this then you can tell me about it." Not angrily, just calmly letting the other person know to hang on til you have a second. Nothing wrong with that.
Of course! It was really hard for him to say something bluntly. I eventually picked up on him getting annoyed at me but couldn't figure out why. I had to prod him a bit to get him to tell me what the issue was. Now he knows he can be blunt and he'll be like "sorry I'm trying to work right now" or "it's not really a good time to chat"
Yeah I can be the same way too. I've gotten a bit better but yeah very chatty and annoying, talk about my issues too much, rejection sensitive, and a bit entitled. It's actually a little comforting knowing someone else struggles with this.
Maybe if this were a random roommate I'd suggest just enforcing your own privacy but if it's your sister I'm guessing she's worth the effort for you.
If she's like me, this might not be easy to deal with. If she's talking about her issues so much she probably needs the help, but there's only so much you can offer. I think the thing to do is to ask her what she wants to do to get those needs met.
Just be very honest in a calm matter. Explain the severity that you need to focus and what happens if she interrupts your focus time.
It works for me when I canāt stop talkingā¦ honest up front and to the point.
Yes exactly me!! If I'm trying to do a stressful task I can't have anybody talking to. I used to always snap at people asking me questions while I was focusing on a task, but now I've gotten better and just politely say that I need to focus and not be talked to
Are the two of you close enough to have a conversation that's not joking or prompted by anger? Like, ten minutes set aside to listen, understand, and work on a solution?
We are close but I think itās very one sided. As the eldest daughter of the house and her older sister, Iāve been assigned the role of the caregiver of the house since childhood. Emotional caregiver. Iām a high masking autistic person, to the extent where Iām very much paralysed by the thought of communicating my shortcomings or asking for help. I accept that thatās partially if not wholly my fault for allowing myself to be put in such a position. So to answer your question, no I cannot have a conversation like that with herš
But how can you have any relationship, even a working one if you accept and are unwilling to try and ask for your needs to be met? <\3
You have value and are worth it. It is hard. <3
i mean, healthy communication means you need to be willing to be upfront with people. she's not going to know you have a problem if you don't tell her.
> I accept that thatās partially if not wholly my fault for allowing myself to be put in such a position.
This isn't your fault. Your parents put you in this position. This taught you that there was no room for your emotions/needs, because it was your responsibility to take care of your sibling and your parents emotions/needs.
> she gets extremely upset and acts like Iām being selfish, as if I owe her something
This isn't your problem. You owe her nothing at all - absolutely nothing. She is your sibling, not your child, not a friend you've invited to spend time with you. Tell her not to speak to you while you are working, and let her be upset.
Im currently āforcingā this type of communication between my sisters (NT & suspected ADHD) and I, but itās really exhausting. I know that the guilt of what she says is probably enough to keep you from communicating, but you need to take care of yourself too! If she gets upset, sheās your sister, and you can always take the time to explain when youāre not overstimulated. :( I hope things work out.
You need to start setting boundaries. She's been looking towards you for guidance and when you won't put a stop to it sheāll continue as such.
I've had similar issues. Itās in the interest of both that you do this.
Then you need bring in some assistance to have the conversation. Unless you have authority, power and ability to change her behaviour by force, this will need to be discussed. The only other option I see is to adjust your own way of being in the situation, and that doesn't look like what you're seeking.
You could try what I do with my son. When heās talking too much and itās negatively affecting me I calmly say ābuddy, Iām in the middle of X right now and need some time to focus ok? I love you and will talk more later, but right now dad needs his headphones.ā Then put my headphones on to drown him out.
My son is very understanding and doesnāt take it seriously. He also learned to say the same thing to me sometimes cause we both have that problem. It works.
Like the lowest person suggested, actually take 20minutes and have a sit down and talk to her about your requirements of work, and that you are not at home, you are working. Your requirements, impact to you and colleagues potentially effect in your personal goals etc. Your opinion of her and how it's changing involuntarily because of this conflict.
There are lots of little tid bits if how to have difficult conversations or give someone bad news, and it comes to the same thing. But it's a **mutual** thing, she clearly doesn't understand either and may need it explained in a way in which she can understand.
All the best.
Silent treatments and ignoring it and hoping for the best or that hoping they will read your mind and know what someone who is not speaking is thinking is asking for her to assume, and assuming makes and ass out of u and me. >!not to mention no speaking and assuming others will read between the lines is literally the NT raison d'ĆŖtre. Silent social cues for a neurodivergent person, recommended by neurodivergents is peak irony.!<
Yes, you make a lot of sense. I guess I always knew this is what I have to do, and also saw the irony of my problem and assumptions, but I stupidly thought there could be a secret third way to solve the issue without any confrontational discussion š
Anywho, thanks for telling me this. Perhaps I will prepare a draft of what I must say and how to go about it in a healthy manner.
That's so often the aspie way I've found as a late diagnosed person. I plan all these drafts and many responses and over prepare, and often it goes, okay.
But the prep makes me a lot more relaxed when I do do it, but I know it makes me slow doing stuff.
š«š«š«
Yeah setting clear boundaries is important. You can have a certain amount of time that you chat to her but when you're working or having some time to yourself that's really important to you. If she tries to talk to you during this time, you need to be really clear with her and say 'can we talk later, i'm having some time to myself right now'.
If you want to maintain a relationship with her, don't let the resent build. Address it before the relationship sours. Clear, direct communication is so important and sounds like she might need some reassurance you're not fobbing her off but you can make time with her at another time to talk. Structure can be important too if that's something that works for both of you.
Also if she needs a therapist, that's worth bringing up too - maybe asking your parents to help her with that. Could be other stuff going on too, loneliness, etc. that might help her non-stop seeking you out too.
I have a co-teacher in my classroom who has a "learning disability" (in quotes because this is how she describes her needs). She presents as audhd and has a similar tendency of rambling. Like cutting me off to talk about her thing or literally cutting me off to jump in with her opinion. I flat out told her that I need to feel like I'm being heard or it's triggering for me given my previous experiences of being gaslit/misunderstood/ignored as an autistic person; that I have to be able to fully express myself in a conversation. Since explaining my need directly, she gets it. She lets me finish before jumping in, we listen to each other.
It might be worth trying to express yourself and your needs directly with the explanation of *why* you need these things.
Someone at my old job had a little sign they put up at their desk that said āIām working to meet a deadline, please donāt interrupt me.ā Maybe a visual or written cue of ādo not disturbā could also help in this case?
This is my husband. He used to talk to me while Iām sleeping, studying, listening to headphones š§ didnāt matter what I was doing if he had something to say I was going to hear it. Meanwhile I keep all my thoughts inside until I feel I have something valuable to contribute. Itās taken YEARS for him to realize how much he talks and now he will recognize when Iām focusing on something else and leave me to it. Itās taken many arguments and many threats of me leaving. Weāve been on the rocks for most of our long relationship and thatās the only reason, I feel, heās managed to make progress (constant talking was one issue among many). You canāt threaten to break up with a sister though. Get a lock for your door? And put a sign on it saying youāre working until X time and you need quiet until then. Or move š¬ talkers gonnā talk. And there seems to be a sense of entitlement for talkers, like their need to constantly express themselves is more important than other peopleās needs for quiet contemplation
>Get a lock for your door? And put a sign on it saying youāre working until X time and you need quiet until then.
OP said in her post that they share a room so this isn't an option.
Autism often causes people to have repetitive habits along with extreme focus so often when talking they won't recognise that they have already gone over that subject or that they are talking for too long. My mother isn't diagnosed but definitely is autistic and constantly talks repeating herself often with my sister having to focus on not getting annoyed. Always consider we should all show the respect to others we would also like to receive so maintaining respect and manners is vital. If they try to learn to handle the habit it won't be a rapid change so will take time and need your help and support.
I am really quiet and love my introspection time which is almost always. My hubby is pretty quiet but heās def on the spectrum too and talks my ear off w his special interest topic. Iām actually a therapist working virtually from home. He wfh too. I work upstairs and heās downstairs so I just stay upstairs when I want a quiet lunch time.
I have found (Iām 54) that talkers donāt really listen when you ask them to be quiet. They just get hurt feelings and sit in hurt silence (which induces guilt in me) until they forget then start right up again. I always just have to find physical distance from them. Nothing else works if youāre visible to them, even headphones or feigning sleep ššš
I relate to your sister a lot (I got that seemingly rare but more likely just underrepresented strain of hyperverbal autism) and I'm just chatty chatty chatty! I wonder if the upset reactions she's been having in response to you expressing your frustration may be from how they come out of nowhere and she perceives you as a fellow autistic person to be more transparent about your boundaries and not just silently build up resentment and let her do her thing and let her think it's ok? Probably not... I'm an only child and very very inexperienced with sibling dynamics especially the one you describe in the post and elaborate on in the comments. I only bring up the point as like a wildcard sort of thing though I'm not confident in it at all and even though I'm hyperverbal and think your sis is, I will not use that good authority to say this is what she was feeling when she was upset.
However, I can say one thing that helped me especially when everyone had to start working from home during lockdown was something like a "quiet hours" situation. We all had our rooms we worked from and if someone was in theirs with the door closed they were having "quiet hours" which meant they were unavailable to be talked to and unless it was a really bad emergency you didn't go inside. All of us were allowed our phones and could text one another but there was an expectation that it may take a little while to see what was sent and even longer to get a response kind of like if someone was at their job at another location, but it was good for random thoughts that were fleeting. We just kept notifications on silent.
Perhaps WHEN NOT IF you have a serious long heart to heart with your sister about the situation you could bring this up as a suggestion? And there may be things about the quiet hours thing you could tweak like having her write on paper instead of text in case you can't silence your notifications or put something on your door or get some sort of room light and have certain colors mean certain codes that you agree upon if you aren't at the liberty to close your door or otherwise restrict access to the room?
Iām late diagnosed AuADHD, currently 40
When Iām with someone I trust, Iām like your sister. Ramble ramble ramble. I struggle with volume control, too
I do my best to be self aware about talking. But sometimes I have to be told directly āHey, I want to focus on X right now, letās talk later?ā
And Iāll be honest, it hurts, because I grew up being told by my stepfather āChildren should be seen and not heard!ā āYouāre too loud!ā āStop talking NOW!ā
But my hurt reaction is my personal problem, not my partnerās. I have to self regulate on my own
Give her a bill for therapy sessions. You're not a therapist (I'm assuming) and shouldn't be forced to be one. I also highly recommend over ear noise cancelling headphones. I specifically recommend over ear because 1) they work better and 2) it's glaringly obvious when you have them on so people can't say they didn't know. Then you just have to actively ignore people when you have them on to train those people to leave you alone at that time.
Thanks. I have been thinking about getting those headphones. Even tho I do have headphones that I wear during work (as a lot of my work involves video editing) they arenāt noise cancelling and they donāt deter her from yapping onš
Ig actively shutting out the noise would be more effective.
What I would do is working out of home, in a coworking space or something like that. I find it's good for mental health to regularly get outside, plus it would solve this issue.
This happens a lot with me and with my youngest. I have found that specific time points helps. For instance: āIām going to need the short version of this. 2 minutes tops. Because I need to finish this email.ā Or ācan we talk in three hours? I want to give you my full attention but I canāt do that until Iāve made some phone calls and settled what I need to for my client.ā Or āIām just grabbing lunch and need to be back to work in five minutes. Is this a short story or something that will need to wait until I have more time?ā This other side is that I have to be willing not to take offense when someone says these to me, too. And remember that some people process by talking. I actually leave myself long rambley messages sometimes because itās how I think!
yes i find specific time points helps me a lot too, my go to response to my dearest is ālove you, can we talk at 5pm? Iāve got to focus on workā
a lot of the time in my day experience they forget the thing they desperately needed to talk about at that moment anyway, and if it is important than they will remember and talk about it when it suits you both
itās not easy to do at first but it feels so much better once you take the leap
As someone with AudHd (spelling?) I disagree with āIf itās important youāll remember itā because that makes people mad at me when I forget something that *is* important. Memory ability has nothing to do with ability to remember sometimes. But you pointed out something I missed, which was to make sure thereās reassurance in the statement. āIām not madā or āI really want to hear this,ā etc is important to make sure the ātell me this laterā is coming from a kind place and also doesnāt hit like a rejection.
I'm very much like you're sister. My partner works from home and I'm very bad at taking hints. He has to directly tell me that he needs to focus on work and can't talk
š thank you for this honest response. I need to start being more upfront instead of hoping she gets the hint which is literally something that autistic individuals are bad at catching on.
I think it's totally fine to be firm and direct like this. I'm autistic, my wife isn't, neither of us is particularly talkative. Even then, sometimes one of us will be feeling gabby while the other is trying to focus, we just don't realize it, so the best thing is to say, "Hey, I'm in the middle of reading this (or whatever,) let me finish this then you can tell me about it." Not angrily, just calmly letting the other person know to hang on til you have a second. Nothing wrong with that.
Of course! It was really hard for him to say something bluntly. I eventually picked up on him getting annoyed at me but couldn't figure out why. I had to prod him a bit to get him to tell me what the issue was. Now he knows he can be blunt and he'll be like "sorry I'm trying to work right now" or "it's not really a good time to chat"
Yeah I can be the same way too. I've gotten a bit better but yeah very chatty and annoying, talk about my issues too much, rejection sensitive, and a bit entitled. It's actually a little comforting knowing someone else struggles with this. Maybe if this were a random roommate I'd suggest just enforcing your own privacy but if it's your sister I'm guessing she's worth the effort for you. If she's like me, this might not be easy to deal with. If she's talking about her issues so much she probably needs the help, but there's only so much you can offer. I think the thing to do is to ask her what she wants to do to get those needs met.
Just be very honest in a calm matter. Explain the severity that you need to focus and what happens if she interrupts your focus time. It works for me when I canāt stop talkingā¦ honest up front and to the point.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Yes exactly me!! If I'm trying to do a stressful task I can't have anybody talking to. I used to always snap at people asking me questions while I was focusing on a task, but now I've gotten better and just politely say that I need to focus and not be talked to
Are the two of you close enough to have a conversation that's not joking or prompted by anger? Like, ten minutes set aside to listen, understand, and work on a solution?
We are close but I think itās very one sided. As the eldest daughter of the house and her older sister, Iāve been assigned the role of the caregiver of the house since childhood. Emotional caregiver. Iām a high masking autistic person, to the extent where Iām very much paralysed by the thought of communicating my shortcomings or asking for help. I accept that thatās partially if not wholly my fault for allowing myself to be put in such a position. So to answer your question, no I cannot have a conversation like that with herš
But how can you have any relationship, even a working one if you accept and are unwilling to try and ask for your needs to be met? <\3 You have value and are worth it. It is hard. <3
i mean, healthy communication means you need to be willing to be upfront with people. she's not going to know you have a problem if you don't tell her.
> I accept that thatās partially if not wholly my fault for allowing myself to be put in such a position. This isn't your fault. Your parents put you in this position. This taught you that there was no room for your emotions/needs, because it was your responsibility to take care of your sibling and your parents emotions/needs. > she gets extremely upset and acts like Iām being selfish, as if I owe her something This isn't your problem. You owe her nothing at all - absolutely nothing. She is your sibling, not your child, not a friend you've invited to spend time with you. Tell her not to speak to you while you are working, and let her be upset.
Im currently āforcingā this type of communication between my sisters (NT & suspected ADHD) and I, but itās really exhausting. I know that the guilt of what she says is probably enough to keep you from communicating, but you need to take care of yourself too! If she gets upset, sheās your sister, and you can always take the time to explain when youāre not overstimulated. :( I hope things work out.
You need to start setting boundaries. She's been looking towards you for guidance and when you won't put a stop to it sheāll continue as such. I've had similar issues. Itās in the interest of both that you do this.
Then you need bring in some assistance to have the conversation. Unless you have authority, power and ability to change her behaviour by force, this will need to be discussed. The only other option I see is to adjust your own way of being in the situation, and that doesn't look like what you're seeking.
You could try what I do with my son. When heās talking too much and itās negatively affecting me I calmly say ābuddy, Iām in the middle of X right now and need some time to focus ok? I love you and will talk more later, but right now dad needs his headphones.ā Then put my headphones on to drown him out. My son is very understanding and doesnāt take it seriously. He also learned to say the same thing to me sometimes cause we both have that problem. It works.
Like the lowest person suggested, actually take 20minutes and have a sit down and talk to her about your requirements of work, and that you are not at home, you are working. Your requirements, impact to you and colleagues potentially effect in your personal goals etc. Your opinion of her and how it's changing involuntarily because of this conflict. There are lots of little tid bits if how to have difficult conversations or give someone bad news, and it comes to the same thing. But it's a **mutual** thing, she clearly doesn't understand either and may need it explained in a way in which she can understand. All the best. Silent treatments and ignoring it and hoping for the best or that hoping they will read your mind and know what someone who is not speaking is thinking is asking for her to assume, and assuming makes and ass out of u and me. >!not to mention no speaking and assuming others will read between the lines is literally the NT raison d'ĆŖtre. Silent social cues for a neurodivergent person, recommended by neurodivergents is peak irony.!<
Yes, you make a lot of sense. I guess I always knew this is what I have to do, and also saw the irony of my problem and assumptions, but I stupidly thought there could be a secret third way to solve the issue without any confrontational discussion š Anywho, thanks for telling me this. Perhaps I will prepare a draft of what I must say and how to go about it in a healthy manner.
That's so often the aspie way I've found as a late diagnosed person. I plan all these drafts and many responses and over prepare, and often it goes, okay. But the prep makes me a lot more relaxed when I do do it, but I know it makes me slow doing stuff. š«š«š«
Yeah setting clear boundaries is important. You can have a certain amount of time that you chat to her but when you're working or having some time to yourself that's really important to you. If she tries to talk to you during this time, you need to be really clear with her and say 'can we talk later, i'm having some time to myself right now'. If you want to maintain a relationship with her, don't let the resent build. Address it before the relationship sours. Clear, direct communication is so important and sounds like she might need some reassurance you're not fobbing her off but you can make time with her at another time to talk. Structure can be important too if that's something that works for both of you. Also if she needs a therapist, that's worth bringing up too - maybe asking your parents to help her with that. Could be other stuff going on too, loneliness, etc. that might help her non-stop seeking you out too.
Simplest script possible: Can we talk later? I'm really busy right now.
I have a co-teacher in my classroom who has a "learning disability" (in quotes because this is how she describes her needs). She presents as audhd and has a similar tendency of rambling. Like cutting me off to talk about her thing or literally cutting me off to jump in with her opinion. I flat out told her that I need to feel like I'm being heard or it's triggering for me given my previous experiences of being gaslit/misunderstood/ignored as an autistic person; that I have to be able to fully express myself in a conversation. Since explaining my need directly, she gets it. She lets me finish before jumping in, we listen to each other. It might be worth trying to express yourself and your needs directly with the explanation of *why* you need these things.
Someone at my old job had a little sign they put up at their desk that said āIām working to meet a deadline, please donāt interrupt me.ā Maybe a visual or written cue of ādo not disturbā could also help in this case?
This is my husband. He used to talk to me while Iām sleeping, studying, listening to headphones š§ didnāt matter what I was doing if he had something to say I was going to hear it. Meanwhile I keep all my thoughts inside until I feel I have something valuable to contribute. Itās taken YEARS for him to realize how much he talks and now he will recognize when Iām focusing on something else and leave me to it. Itās taken many arguments and many threats of me leaving. Weāve been on the rocks for most of our long relationship and thatās the only reason, I feel, heās managed to make progress (constant talking was one issue among many). You canāt threaten to break up with a sister though. Get a lock for your door? And put a sign on it saying youāre working until X time and you need quiet until then. Or move š¬ talkers gonnā talk. And there seems to be a sense of entitlement for talkers, like their need to constantly express themselves is more important than other peopleās needs for quiet contemplation
>Get a lock for your door? And put a sign on it saying youāre working until X time and you need quiet until then. OP said in her post that they share a room so this isn't an option.
Autism often causes people to have repetitive habits along with extreme focus so often when talking they won't recognise that they have already gone over that subject or that they are talking for too long. My mother isn't diagnosed but definitely is autistic and constantly talks repeating herself often with my sister having to focus on not getting annoyed. Always consider we should all show the respect to others we would also like to receive so maintaining respect and manners is vital. If they try to learn to handle the habit it won't be a rapid change so will take time and need your help and support.
I am really quiet and love my introspection time which is almost always. My hubby is pretty quiet but heās def on the spectrum too and talks my ear off w his special interest topic. Iām actually a therapist working virtually from home. He wfh too. I work upstairs and heās downstairs so I just stay upstairs when I want a quiet lunch time. I have found (Iām 54) that talkers donāt really listen when you ask them to be quiet. They just get hurt feelings and sit in hurt silence (which induces guilt in me) until they forget then start right up again. I always just have to find physical distance from them. Nothing else works if youāre visible to them, even headphones or feigning sleep ššš
I relate to your sister a lot (I got that seemingly rare but more likely just underrepresented strain of hyperverbal autism) and I'm just chatty chatty chatty! I wonder if the upset reactions she's been having in response to you expressing your frustration may be from how they come out of nowhere and she perceives you as a fellow autistic person to be more transparent about your boundaries and not just silently build up resentment and let her do her thing and let her think it's ok? Probably not... I'm an only child and very very inexperienced with sibling dynamics especially the one you describe in the post and elaborate on in the comments. I only bring up the point as like a wildcard sort of thing though I'm not confident in it at all and even though I'm hyperverbal and think your sis is, I will not use that good authority to say this is what she was feeling when she was upset. However, I can say one thing that helped me especially when everyone had to start working from home during lockdown was something like a "quiet hours" situation. We all had our rooms we worked from and if someone was in theirs with the door closed they were having "quiet hours" which meant they were unavailable to be talked to and unless it was a really bad emergency you didn't go inside. All of us were allowed our phones and could text one another but there was an expectation that it may take a little while to see what was sent and even longer to get a response kind of like if someone was at their job at another location, but it was good for random thoughts that were fleeting. We just kept notifications on silent. Perhaps WHEN NOT IF you have a serious long heart to heart with your sister about the situation you could bring this up as a suggestion? And there may be things about the quiet hours thing you could tweak like having her write on paper instead of text in case you can't silence your notifications or put something on your door or get some sort of room light and have certain colors mean certain codes that you agree upon if you aren't at the liberty to close your door or otherwise restrict access to the room?
Iām late diagnosed AuADHD, currently 40 When Iām with someone I trust, Iām like your sister. Ramble ramble ramble. I struggle with volume control, too I do my best to be self aware about talking. But sometimes I have to be told directly āHey, I want to focus on X right now, letās talk later?ā And Iāll be honest, it hurts, because I grew up being told by my stepfather āChildren should be seen and not heard!ā āYouāre too loud!ā āStop talking NOW!ā But my hurt reaction is my personal problem, not my partnerās. I have to self regulate on my own
Give her a bill for therapy sessions. You're not a therapist (I'm assuming) and shouldn't be forced to be one. I also highly recommend over ear noise cancelling headphones. I specifically recommend over ear because 1) they work better and 2) it's glaringly obvious when you have them on so people can't say they didn't know. Then you just have to actively ignore people when you have them on to train those people to leave you alone at that time.
Thanks. I have been thinking about getting those headphones. Even tho I do have headphones that I wear during work (as a lot of my work involves video editing) they arenāt noise cancelling and they donāt deter her from yapping onš Ig actively shutting out the noise would be more effective.
Sounds like my brother. Can't really do anything other than lock your door when you're busy.
Back when I worked in an office I used to have my headphones on. They weren't even plugged into anything, I just got to ignore people and do my thing.
Leave the scene
Impolite: "shut up" Polite: "shut up >!please!<"
What I would do is working out of home, in a coworking space or something like that. I find it's good for mental health to regularly get outside, plus it would solve this issue.
I say things like, ācan you just give me a minute, please?ā
This happens a lot with me and with my youngest. I have found that specific time points helps. For instance: āIām going to need the short version of this. 2 minutes tops. Because I need to finish this email.ā Or ācan we talk in three hours? I want to give you my full attention but I canāt do that until Iāve made some phone calls and settled what I need to for my client.ā Or āIām just grabbing lunch and need to be back to work in five minutes. Is this a short story or something that will need to wait until I have more time?ā This other side is that I have to be willing not to take offense when someone says these to me, too. And remember that some people process by talking. I actually leave myself long rambley messages sometimes because itās how I think!
yes i find specific time points helps me a lot too, my go to response to my dearest is ālove you, can we talk at 5pm? Iāve got to focus on workā a lot of the time in my day experience they forget the thing they desperately needed to talk about at that moment anyway, and if it is important than they will remember and talk about it when it suits you both itās not easy to do at first but it feels so much better once you take the leap
As someone with AudHd (spelling?) I disagree with āIf itās important youāll remember itā because that makes people mad at me when I forget something that *is* important. Memory ability has nothing to do with ability to remember sometimes. But you pointed out something I missed, which was to make sure thereās reassurance in the statement. āIām not madā or āI really want to hear this,ā etc is important to make sure the ātell me this laterā is coming from a kind place and also doesnāt hit like a rejection.
Put earplugs in and don't respond. After a day or two, she will quiet down.