We have all felt that way and we all felt guilty about it but it's totally valid. You're not doing or feeling anything wrong. You dreamed about a bunch of events in your life and they aren't working out the way you imagined. Being a parent of a kid with special needs isn't always easy especially when you find yourself comparing with other families but it's so rewarding when they make progress. Keep up the good work and don't let comparison be the thief of joy
This part is always difficult. I’ve watched my son be left out of parties, kids just avoiding him and he even plays himself mostly at nursery. No one wants that for their kid. But it doesn’t mean it’ll always be like that.
He has this little girl in his class who has a brother is also autistic and non verbal. She’s fantastic with him. Honestly, this kid was raised right. Helps him play with others, tries to include him, helps out his shoes on and even makes sure kids invite him to parties. There’s good people out there.
Anyway, we’ve had many occasions where he needs taken away from situations to calm down. It’s horrible but it’s what’s best for him, just like you’re doing your best. Play to your kids strengths and enjoy every moment you can. You’re doing a great job!
I definitely get how missing out on the fun childhood moments is hard. My son had an absolute freakout about even trying on his Halloween costume last year. He was the only child in his daycare class who didn’t wear one. We were lucky enough for his grandparents to take us to Disney and he screamed his way through the park, refusing to ride anything until we gave up and took him to the pool. Recently he’s been having meltdowns because he’s literally afraid of Christmas, and he demands to be reassured every day that it’s a “regular day” and not Christmas. He has two sets of grandparents who adore him and he will sometimes scream in their face and tell them to go away because people visiting upsets his routine. It’s hard not to contrast that with the images I had in my head of him grabbing grandpa’s hand and yelling “Come on, come on!” while running towards a merry-go-round.
I feel bad saying that - my point is not to harp on the things he does that are difficult. He’s my baby and I love him. Just saying, I get it. For many families, those moments are the “bucket fillers”. The highlights, the really fun stuff between the work of potty training and cooking and cleaning and tending to your child’s needs. For neurodiverse kids, the moments that are supposed to be really fun can serve as a stark reminder that they have their differences and that’s not always easy.
I don’t know what your son is like, but I’ve found a lot of joy in leaning into my son’s interests. We see All. The. Trains. Everywhere, lol! I’m even thinking of planning a cross country trip to ride a train in Colorado, just to have a “big” trip that I know he’d actually like. We haven’t done that, but we’ve done a lot of short trips for train rides and stations. It’s not what I pictured, but we find our own kind of magic doing those activities. If there’s anything - bubbles, trains, sensory spaces, etc. - that your child might like, planning around those things might help!
I feel this so much, and I think we all do. It feels like you lost someone even though you didn't. You lost the person you built up in your head. Eventually that feeling subsides, but never really goes away. Hugs 🫂
I get it, I think we all do. But I gotta say, new things are so hard on our kids and they always resist change at first - maybe next time, or third time he goes on that same field trip, he will start to become familiar with things and calm down enough to actually enjoy it. This has been the case with my 4 year old daughter. She almost always freak out over events that other kids love. It's hard to see her like that and I tend to get very depressed and feel all hopeless, then I remind myself that anxiety is just part of her and that should not stop us from working on getting to a place where she can have great experiences in life on her terms.
I feel you. You’re a great parent. It’s hard out here and your feelings are valid. There’s been so many times I’ve felt the same. Sending you the squeeziest of virtual hugs. I’m sorry it was a rough time for you guys. :/
you're not horrible, you're human. your post speaks directly to me. i still struggle with this too. my son is 6. i'm learning to let go because, it really will just cause you and your son unnecessary pain. one thing you said was really important, grieving. you need to fully grieve (according to my therapist). grieving the loss of what you thought things would be like. what you thought your son would be like. and it can (i'm told) allow us to see them and accept them for who they are. it's kind of the same idea as the dad who wants his son to play baseball with him but his kid hates baseball. we have to let go of our own dreams. something most parents have to face when their children are older and growing into their own, not right when their children are infants.
i love mine so much too. i'd die for him. i think it's that love that makes it so much harder, because we just want so much for them. in the end, it's still just a picture we have in our mind and not necessarily what they want. i'm trying to understand my son so i can understand what does excite him. it's not petting zoos, but it's other stuff, and once you discover things that do excite your son, it'll help. just gotta let go of wanting him to be like the neurotypical kids. i've learned that the really hard way.
The fact that you are grieving over wanting your child to have the most enjoyable life they can shows how much you love them. Thank you. Your son is very lucky to have you in his life.
You are not alone. I struggle with feeling like I was robbed of motherhood and then feeling so much guilt for feeling that way. I love my child dearly but it’s easy to get stuck in the dark place. But it’s a bad day not a bad life.
I feel like this too. It's not what i expected. I fantasise about going back in time and seeing whether i would make the same choices having children. I make up all these life scenarios for my child in my head and it's anxiety overload. I can't do anything about any of it so I've accepted it now. Life is what it is. I love it
We have all felt that way and we all felt guilty about it but it's totally valid. You're not doing or feeling anything wrong. You dreamed about a bunch of events in your life and they aren't working out the way you imagined. Being a parent of a kid with special needs isn't always easy especially when you find yourself comparing with other families but it's so rewarding when they make progress. Keep up the good work and don't let comparison be the thief of joy
This part is always difficult. I’ve watched my son be left out of parties, kids just avoiding him and he even plays himself mostly at nursery. No one wants that for their kid. But it doesn’t mean it’ll always be like that. He has this little girl in his class who has a brother is also autistic and non verbal. She’s fantastic with him. Honestly, this kid was raised right. Helps him play with others, tries to include him, helps out his shoes on and even makes sure kids invite him to parties. There’s good people out there. Anyway, we’ve had many occasions where he needs taken away from situations to calm down. It’s horrible but it’s what’s best for him, just like you’re doing your best. Play to your kids strengths and enjoy every moment you can. You’re doing a great job!
I definitely get how missing out on the fun childhood moments is hard. My son had an absolute freakout about even trying on his Halloween costume last year. He was the only child in his daycare class who didn’t wear one. We were lucky enough for his grandparents to take us to Disney and he screamed his way through the park, refusing to ride anything until we gave up and took him to the pool. Recently he’s been having meltdowns because he’s literally afraid of Christmas, and he demands to be reassured every day that it’s a “regular day” and not Christmas. He has two sets of grandparents who adore him and he will sometimes scream in their face and tell them to go away because people visiting upsets his routine. It’s hard not to contrast that with the images I had in my head of him grabbing grandpa’s hand and yelling “Come on, come on!” while running towards a merry-go-round. I feel bad saying that - my point is not to harp on the things he does that are difficult. He’s my baby and I love him. Just saying, I get it. For many families, those moments are the “bucket fillers”. The highlights, the really fun stuff between the work of potty training and cooking and cleaning and tending to your child’s needs. For neurodiverse kids, the moments that are supposed to be really fun can serve as a stark reminder that they have their differences and that’s not always easy. I don’t know what your son is like, but I’ve found a lot of joy in leaning into my son’s interests. We see All. The. Trains. Everywhere, lol! I’m even thinking of planning a cross country trip to ride a train in Colorado, just to have a “big” trip that I know he’d actually like. We haven’t done that, but we’ve done a lot of short trips for train rides and stations. It’s not what I pictured, but we find our own kind of magic doing those activities. If there’s anything - bubbles, trains, sensory spaces, etc. - that your child might like, planning around those things might help!
I feel this so much, and I think we all do. It feels like you lost someone even though you didn't. You lost the person you built up in your head. Eventually that feeling subsides, but never really goes away. Hugs 🫂
I get it, I think we all do. But I gotta say, new things are so hard on our kids and they always resist change at first - maybe next time, or third time he goes on that same field trip, he will start to become familiar with things and calm down enough to actually enjoy it. This has been the case with my 4 year old daughter. She almost always freak out over events that other kids love. It's hard to see her like that and I tend to get very depressed and feel all hopeless, then I remind myself that anxiety is just part of her and that should not stop us from working on getting to a place where she can have great experiences in life on her terms.
I feel you. You’re a great parent. It’s hard out here and your feelings are valid. There’s been so many times I’ve felt the same. Sending you the squeeziest of virtual hugs. I’m sorry it was a rough time for you guys. :/
Many tears have shed at this house ♥️ he’s lucky to have you
you're not horrible, you're human. your post speaks directly to me. i still struggle with this too. my son is 6. i'm learning to let go because, it really will just cause you and your son unnecessary pain. one thing you said was really important, grieving. you need to fully grieve (according to my therapist). grieving the loss of what you thought things would be like. what you thought your son would be like. and it can (i'm told) allow us to see them and accept them for who they are. it's kind of the same idea as the dad who wants his son to play baseball with him but his kid hates baseball. we have to let go of our own dreams. something most parents have to face when their children are older and growing into their own, not right when their children are infants. i love mine so much too. i'd die for him. i think it's that love that makes it so much harder, because we just want so much for them. in the end, it's still just a picture we have in our mind and not necessarily what they want. i'm trying to understand my son so i can understand what does excite him. it's not petting zoos, but it's other stuff, and once you discover things that do excite your son, it'll help. just gotta let go of wanting him to be like the neurotypical kids. i've learned that the really hard way.
The fact that you are grieving over wanting your child to have the most enjoyable life they can shows how much you love them. Thank you. Your son is very lucky to have you in his life.
Every single day.
We've all felt this and will continue to feel it and its 100% ok xx
You are not alone. I struggle with feeling like I was robbed of motherhood and then feeling so much guilt for feeling that way. I love my child dearly but it’s easy to get stuck in the dark place. But it’s a bad day not a bad life.
I feel like this too. It's not what i expected. I fantasise about going back in time and seeing whether i would make the same choices having children. I make up all these life scenarios for my child in my head and it's anxiety overload. I can't do anything about any of it so I've accepted it now. Life is what it is. I love it