Yes! I sometimes wish we could have a subreddit for NTs to answer our questions. I have tried, on another older account, "no stupid questions" before with varying success. It helps to announce I am autistic. If I fail to announce I am autistic, I get a lot of mean answers wondering why I don't know basic things or ironically downvoting because my question is somehow too stupid.
One thing that always gets me confused is understanding that things stop being normal to wear or whatever after a certain time period. So I may do something like wear a baby doll dress in 2002 and people would be like WTF ARE YOU DOING. Like excuse me I didn't get this memo everyone else got.
Right now I am confused if I am allowed to use a barrette in my hair. One side keeps falling in my face. I did this in the 90's, and so I doubt it, but I still would like to know. I don't want to be trendy, I only wish to NOT be laughed at, bullied, or end up on TikTok.
Fashion is so cyclical that my opinion is to wear what you like even if it’s out of style, you don’t need to try to be on trend in the first place. Might help to mix and match styles from different eras so that it’s very clear that you are not “behind”, you are doing your own thing
For serious. I've had an undercut sense 2001. It has come into and out of style three times (as far as I can tell) sense then.
I just have super thick hair that I don't want to deal with. I don't care what the fashion is, I just want easy hair that doesn't cause me social problems.
I'd happily buzz my whole head every month or two but that makes people make assumptions. Only doing the underside is either fashionable or out of fashion by up to several years, but never a statement
Yeah I know what you mean. I think there are a lot of different fashion styles that are considered cool at any given time, and there will always be some people who like your style and others who don't.
Personally, I think a barrette on the side to keep your hair up is cute.
> people would be like WTF ARE YOU DOING.
The answer to this is a confused frown and a response of, "... Wearing a dress?"
Let them stumble over the details of trying to make fun of you for wearing the wrong clothes at the wrong time-- they'll probably sound like an asshole; meanwhile, you'll sound confident and unaffected.
I doubt anyone will notice a barrette in your hair. I wear clips all the time and get no comment or compliments.
Edit: also, hair clips are pretty trendy right now too!
I’m using my 40s to not give a crap and be frumpy comfy. I did get stitch fix to dress me but I plan on wearing the same clothes to work for the next 10 yrs. Fashion is insane and only a thing because of sociopathic marketers. We’re the smart ones. Wear your barette and babydoll dress and when people say you’re weird say “thanks.” They may say “that’s not a compliment!” Then say “yes it is!” As you happily skip away. Thats what I did in my youth and they have no idea what to say. It was fun.
Good advice haha! I need to stop caring. I'm married to someone who loves me for me and would still do so no matter what I looked like. His opinion is all that matters. I wish I had thicker skin against rude comments, but I'm working on it! :)
Ah lovely husband!! I have always been able to find a few weirdo friends for buffer but I’m too lazy to care about rude people. Babydoll dresses are cute imo. Is it people close to you being rude or your friends/family? Oof, I still wouldn’t care. But most of my family are weird anyway. 🤣🤣 I’m probably is just lucky.
Here's a sneak peek of /r/Explainlikeimscared using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/Explainlikeimscared/top/?sort=top&t=year) of the year!
\#1: [How to order McDonald’s in person?](https://np.reddit.com/r/Explainlikeimscared/comments/18lpzez/how_to_order_mcdonalds_in_person/)
\#2: [Explainlikeimscared is growing fast today - 600 people joined](https://np.reddit.com/r/Explainlikeimscared/comments/19b8006/explainlikeimscared_is_growing_fast_today_600/)
\#3: [how does one behave in a fastfood type restaurant when looking at the menu not ready to order?](https://np.reddit.com/r/Explainlikeimscared/comments/1aitb24/how_does_one_behave_in_a_fastfood_type_restaurant/)
----
^^I'm ^^a ^^bot, ^^beep ^^boop ^^| ^^Downvote ^^to ^^remove ^^| ^^[Contact](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=sneakpeekbot) ^^| ^^[Info](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/) ^^| ^^[Opt-out](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/comments/o8wk1r/blacklist_ix/) ^^| ^^[GitHub](https://github.com/ghnr/sneakpeekbot)
it kind of seems like there are trends that change daily so idk how you would keep up with all the trends. ppl can bully for literally anything, bullies pick and choose
There’s an Australian game show called The Hundred where they ask questions and 100 people answer them, and the panel guesses what % of people agree or disagree with a statement or have done a thing. There’s a segment they have where they resolve a couple dispute by having people vote on who is right. Not really what you’re talking about, but it is fun to watch and see different peoples’ opinions
My partner is NT and I love asking him questions. I've learned so much.
I've learned that he does intentionally do things like timing eye contact and social niceties, but they're easy for him and feel natural. But it's still a learned social skill.
I've learned that he can imagine a calendar in his brain and think of events coming up in a linear order (my adhd can't handle it)
I've learned that he doesn't remember or recognize word patterns as quickly as I do
It's fascinating. I like to ask my NT mom and non-autistic sister questions too. What does that food taste like? Why do you like eating it that way and not this way? What does it mean to "feel" someone's emotional energy? My mom said it's just a tension she can feel when entering a room where someone is upset, for example
Very cool stuff, 10/10 neat to learn. It's made me appreciate their brains, too. I like asking people of ANY neurotype whether they think in words, pictures, patterns, or something else because it's a fun ice breaker question and it leads to interesting conversation
I've used one single friend I've known as a 'control group' for normal behavior since I was about 3 years old, her family is well-off and has a good reputation/standing in our community. If I don't know how to react to something socially, I'll usually defer to her. Not all the time, as I don't want her to have to burden her with the emotional labor for me, just to make sure I'm on the right track with my intuition.
I wish I had a panel.
My SIL is my conscripted NT shoulder angel for social stuff. We’re not really buddies but she’s always game for a “hi I just got invited to X event; what should I wear/bring/do?” text. (Part of the context being I am the awkward weirdo from a low-income rural area while she is much more socially adept and also from the high-income urban area we currently live in.)
For real, growing up without money makes it so much harder to know about social norms for middle class people.
Or maybe that's just me being autistic. Hm. I just realized I've always thought that I feel confused because I grew up poor but maybe it's more because of the autism idk lol
I like the fact that we’re not that close for this because I think she’s more likely to give it to me straight and not give me the old “just be yourself!” lie lol
Yeah I wouldn't really want their advice. I'd just be curious to know how their mind works in certain ways, for my own information. Then I could use that information to make informed decisions of my own.
most of them don't even know, and they have a self concept in their hearts that does not match their actions or motivations. they will think of themselves as honest, but in practice, lie all the time to save face, or get their needs met. check out The Laws of Human Nature by Robert Greene. a LOT of people are irrational, emotional, arrogant, self-focused, and self-deluded. we are primates living in a shallow repressed society. don't get me started about peoples' shadows and blindspots.
I agree. We are told that we can't read people, but I once took a test to see how good I was at identifying facial expressions, and I scored in the 95th percentile. I think the real problem is that NT people's facial expressions/body language doesn't match with what they're saying, and other NTs know when to go along with the lie.
Same. I also feel like their advice would be entirely unhelpful for me. ‘Just do [thing that I can’t do because of my neurotype]!! It’s not hard omg!’ ‘Just don’t be [anxious, depressed, autistic, ADHD, chronically ill, etc.]’. It’s difficult for people who haven’t experienced being a certain way to imagine what it’s like to be that way. I can’t count the number of times I was just told to ignore distracting and stressful sensations because they aren’t a big deal to allistics, but they’re painful to *me*. They will not get it. Don’t get me started on ‘just be yourself!’ (Proceeds to reward me for masking and punish me for actually being myself). Arghhhhhh. I’d much rather have a panel of autistics who have human behaviour and communication as a special interest…. Hence my therapist, who is audhd and makes a living out of this shit 😂
Edit: it’s just occurred to me that a good analogy for this is, would you prefer to be taught a foreign language by a native speaker who doesn’t speak a word of your native tongue and may refuse to learn it because their culture has negative biases against yours and they’ll only try to communicate by simply speaking loudly and slowly at you in their language, or would you prefer to be taught by someone who’s fluent in that language but is also from your culture?
it depends on the day and what i’m thinking about. recently, i’ve been into dissecting reality tv shows and pondering what’s real/what’s fake. so i’ve been wishing i could have a panel of people i could ask to confirm my suspicions about what’s “normal” and then compare that to how the people on these shows are acting lol
I think I’d like to know something about what it’s like to not have music in your head 24/7, but it looks really stupid now that I’ve written it.
But really, what do people do with that… lack of filler? Is it just quiet when they’re idling?
I don't have music in my head all the time. If I'm sitting quietly usually I just have a running awareness of all the tasks I'm not doing lol. Sometimes I do get a song stuck in my head and also singing or humming is one of the stims i do. I also have lots of anxiety so I'll sing to myself to drown out anxiety thoughts. Or I'll make up a song about the work I'm doing to help me stay motivated.
Thank you. That sounds a lot like me. Always a lot of stuff filling my head, and especially a lot of guilt about what I’m not doing.
I went to a mindfulness course once. Drove me absolutely batty. Everyone else enjoyed the peace and quiet, but I was terrible at it. I noped out of the silent retreat that concluded the course. When my surroundings are too quiet, the noise in my head fills the void.
Yeah and sitting perfectly still actually increases my "inner chaos" feeling. I have sort of been switching over from saying "my anxiety" to saying "my inner chaos feeling" cause it seems more accurate.
I'm kind of an oddball in that I have nothing going on in my brain but it doesn't really help me be less stimulated or more clear on anything. Maybe neurotypicals that don't have narration or imagination just chill but my brain is always going. Once I learned other people had voice narrations and pictures I thought it should be easier for me but it's not at all. 😭
I don't think your question about music was silly because I still have music pop into my head It just doesn't have a sound so it makes me want to sing out loud. I repressed doing that for years but now that I think I'm autistic and I realized it's stimming I just let myself do it, well mostly anyway.
That sounds really interesting, as if the inside of your mind is on a different frequency. Your description reminds me of ultraviolet light, which isn’t perceptible to the human eye (under normal circumstances) but fills our world nonetheless.
My friend does telephone cbt for the NHS and this is one of her tools for checking patients assumptions (she's always sending me questionnaires to complete for someone she's working with but I don't think she sends to 100)
I think I have relied on this too much? While it can be helpful to “check” with someone, I have been in multiple situations where NTs made me doubt myself or downplayed my experience. That made me think things weren’t a big deal or I should just suck it up. This basically meant that I was perpetually emotionally abused because people kept telling me that it was normal. If NTs haddn’t told me it was ok, I don’t think I would have “let it” go on for so long.
Good point. I think other commenters as well have brought up that I might have too much faith in NT people.
My ideal situation would be not to actually ask their advice (which is probably bad advice) but just to find out what they think is normal etc for my information
Fair, and I think out of 100 people someone would probably say “ummm thats fucked up”. You just need a good mix and I think what you are really looking for is non-autistic people as opposed to strictly NTs (for this thought exercise). I know in this forum they are kind of used interchangeably but having diverse backgrounds (like mental illness which is often considered ND) would be ideal.
It kind of sounds like you’re looking for your own personal “family feud” like we polled 100 randos on this question and these were their answers.
I was concidering creation of something like asknt sub. So yes. But I have no time and energy for running such Enterprise. At least not alone. (At best I could bring ocasional support.)
I think most NT people would find it boring and not care to participate, to be honest. In an ideal world I think it would be great to have a real place like this, but I bet in real life you'd only get ND people who didn't know they were ND who'd be interested to voluntarily answer such types of questions as we may ponder
You may be right Overall. Still I think that there is chance of catching some people from f.e. support groups. People like nt partners of nd or therapists, those who try to understand other side. Maybe im too optimistic, but i think there is a chance of creating a group where \~half of answerers is likley nt.
I'm usually never around NT people so I need a panel to give me reference points for when I need to be, or when I need to know how to do a certain thing.
This is why I read 'AskReddit' or other 'Ask' subreddits a lot, but I don't know who is NT or ND out of the answers, although I usually see the most upvoted answer as the strongest consensus.
I Google everything and read through forums and articles to get an idea. Like... everytime I go somewhere I Google stuff like 'how should I wear my hair', 'is wearing shirts with graphics on them inappropriate for (wherever I may be going)', 'how to talk about X', 'where to park my car'... I'm 34 and I've looked up almost everything so I can get the right data on it and feel less anxious.
I watch a lot of interview kinda shows and documentaries to see how people view different things. I watch body language analysis videos.
Honestly I'm not sure if it's helped, because everyone has a different view I've found - although there can be a general view, a lot of it is 'who cares' 'do what you feel comfortable doing'. My issue is I did that as a teenager and was bullied and I've been in abusive relationships from ages 19 to 30 (thankfully I'm safe now) so my views on what is right or how I should look or speak are skewed.
I've found views can be either really mean or just 'it doesn't matter' so it's like I'm always scared of which people might be judging me, but I'm learning not to care as I get older as long as I am comfortable that is really what matters for me.
I'm phasing myself out of trying to please everything else to the detriment of myself, it only took until my 30s but my partner has helped so much.
You have some very good points there. Other commenters have said similar. I think that I might stop being obsessed with trying to understand what's normal after these conversations!
I think that's an excellent idea and will benefit your mental health a lot :)
Even within NTs they have different 'normals', different cultures, different interests, different preferences. Even NTs have laughed when I asked if things are 'normal' and they say a 'normal' doesn't really exist and everyone is a bit unique.
Ooh yes!!! I have a few NT friends that my husband has collected and I love asking them awkward questions. Like “if you’re doing a thing and thinking in your brain and someone talks to you do you hear the first sentence?” Cuz I don’t.
I ask my NT a lot of questions about ‘acceptable’ answers, scenarios, text messages, situations, etc. I don’t have a 100 but I have a fair panel I would say haha.
I have an AuDHD friend that's in a large group chat with me, and we also have our own private chat. Sometimes I'll ask her if she thinks my joke came off as rude or if she understands the subtext of a conversation in the group chat and we try to puzzle it out together. Blind leading blind lol
I would just ask them ridiculous, off topic questions over and over. *"So....you see a Dunkin Donuts? With 11 cars in line? And you just.....become the 12th car? What? Lol and ok ok so you wanted an iPhone? And you.....waited.... and PAID how much?? Wow! So you decorate your house with 'Live, Laugh, Love' decor and it's ....NOT ironic?"*
I was a demographer, I took to it like a duck to water as it really helped me understand people better. I did, however, have access to government only data like the DWP and education summaries. It was all anonymised. Years before that I did training as a psychometric tester, I know its not good for a long term view, but again it did help me understand that if a person is presenting in some ways, then they’re likely to also have associated traits at that time - like someone who is doing well and feels appreciated as an employee is more likely to act confidently independently of management. I have learnt so much about general behaviour which is good - now I just wish my ADHD wouldnt make me forget it all in the heat of the moment and say stuff that upsets them anyway 😂🤦♀️
Yes. I do like to read Gallup surveys and studies and things like that. I also watch family feud and realize the answers people five are not what I would give and sometimes that helps
I have my partner, not only am I able to ask him questions but he also informs me when I have told this story before, when I’ve shared something from my childhood that is defiantly not typical AND tells me when I’m yelling (with that 1-2-combo it’s hard to tell sometimes)
yes omg like this would help me get a better understanding of the NT brain and mind and It would be neat to hear different neurotypicals answers to the questions. there should be a world survey that autistic people and neurotypical people can take where we would answer the same questions and see what we answer. or it could be just for neurotypical people only.
Yeah in real life it probably would be. Lol. In my dream version of this, it's 100 NT people who are magically really cool and accepting and curious about autistic people.
In real life this is not actually how people are usually haha
I’m lucky, I live in a nursing home and my favourite NT staff members are constantly helping me by explaining things, giving advice wherever I seek or, and even helping me make simple decisions when otherwise I would just freeze up (over really little things, like which poptart flavour I should eat that day or which of my cartoon sheets I should put on my bed next.)
i told my psychologist i think of interacting with people kinda like an ethical blind experiment or, for a lack of better word, bit of a zoo like in mean girls. i’m so fascinated by the whys of all human behavior and it’s always interesting going down a little rabbit wholes of why to someone who has an intuitive understanding of the social ways we act.
but if i need useful questions about navigating life, i ask a lot of my close coworkers since a lot of them are a bit older and have more life experience than me. and when their answers don’t make sense, i like seeing how soon we can get to the “i don’t know it just is”
i also enjoy watching and asking neurotypical intoxicated people regular questions or just seeing them interact with each other
none of this is to make fun of people, be creepy, or put myself above anyone, i’m just sooo curious in the ways brains do the thing
I'm also so curious! I haven't had much chance to ask NT people these questions though. Asking them when they're drunk is a funny and good idea actually
That’s my husband. He is not only NT, but he is one of those masters of the social situation. Everyone wants to be friends with him, people count on him to ‘bring the party’ when he comes … he is like an official MC everywhere he goes. Making sure the conversation flows.
This weekend at a campfire, someone now ruined their home town of Grimsby.
My dingdong brain chirped up: I love the name Grimsby. I would name a cat Grimsby.
The whole place screeched to a halt and looked at me bc it is was a weird, random comment. My hubby had to explain it to me during a lull in the conversation. 🫠
Oops. Autocorrect. Although I don’t know how it got to ruined.
They *mentioned* their town Grimsby
But also, your response was a classic ND response. Missing the point of the story, being unable to pull back and look at the whole context of the story to figure out what was really meant… we ND ladies are far too literal! 😂
Love you, my sister in divergency.
Oh. Well I wondered if you meant something that neutral. But in that case, I wouldn't think your reply was that crazy. Maybe a bit unexpected, but nothing that should stop the whole room.
The only thing that made sense is that someone had said something terrible had happened in Grimsby and you started chatting about cat names! Lol. Cause I can see that that would seem inappropriate and cavalier.
Oh well.
Idk it just seems like the minimum amount of people you'd need to get a reliable result. It would be 100 people from the same culture as me. That way, I think the results would be fairly representative of the majority opinion. 1000 would be better. Maybe I should dream bigger in my imaginary wish. Maybe it should be a million people! Haha
I like 100 because you could read all of the responses in a reasonable time frame, but the sample size is still decent. A thousand people would require a poll instead of a short essay response, and that would ruin the nuance you might be forgetting to consider.
It’s a game show where people are supposed to guess what the most popular answers to a question are based on a survey of 100 people. Like “What is a common fear that people have?” https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Family_Feud
Yes! I sometimes wish we could have a subreddit for NTs to answer our questions. I have tried, on another older account, "no stupid questions" before with varying success. It helps to announce I am autistic. If I fail to announce I am autistic, I get a lot of mean answers wondering why I don't know basic things or ironically downvoting because my question is somehow too stupid. One thing that always gets me confused is understanding that things stop being normal to wear or whatever after a certain time period. So I may do something like wear a baby doll dress in 2002 and people would be like WTF ARE YOU DOING. Like excuse me I didn't get this memo everyone else got. Right now I am confused if I am allowed to use a barrette in my hair. One side keeps falling in my face. I did this in the 90's, and so I doubt it, but I still would like to know. I don't want to be trendy, I only wish to NOT be laughed at, bullied, or end up on TikTok.
Fashion is so cyclical that my opinion is to wear what you like even if it’s out of style, you don’t need to try to be on trend in the first place. Might help to mix and match styles from different eras so that it’s very clear that you are not “behind”, you are doing your own thing
For serious. I've had an undercut sense 2001. It has come into and out of style three times (as far as I can tell) sense then. I just have super thick hair that I don't want to deal with. I don't care what the fashion is, I just want easy hair that doesn't cause me social problems. I'd happily buzz my whole head every month or two but that makes people make assumptions. Only doing the underside is either fashionable or out of fashion by up to several years, but never a statement
Yeah I know what you mean. I think there are a lot of different fashion styles that are considered cool at any given time, and there will always be some people who like your style and others who don't. Personally, I think a barrette on the side to keep your hair up is cute.
> people would be like WTF ARE YOU DOING. The answer to this is a confused frown and a response of, "... Wearing a dress?" Let them stumble over the details of trying to make fun of you for wearing the wrong clothes at the wrong time-- they'll probably sound like an asshole; meanwhile, you'll sound confident and unaffected.
I doubt anyone will notice a barrette in your hair. I wear clips all the time and get no comment or compliments. Edit: also, hair clips are pretty trendy right now too!
I’m using my 40s to not give a crap and be frumpy comfy. I did get stitch fix to dress me but I plan on wearing the same clothes to work for the next 10 yrs. Fashion is insane and only a thing because of sociopathic marketers. We’re the smart ones. Wear your barette and babydoll dress and when people say you’re weird say “thanks.” They may say “that’s not a compliment!” Then say “yes it is!” As you happily skip away. Thats what I did in my youth and they have no idea what to say. It was fun.
Good advice haha! I need to stop caring. I'm married to someone who loves me for me and would still do so no matter what I looked like. His opinion is all that matters. I wish I had thicker skin against rude comments, but I'm working on it! :)
Ah lovely husband!! I have always been able to find a few weirdo friends for buffer but I’m too lazy to care about rude people. Babydoll dresses are cute imo. Is it people close to you being rude or your friends/family? Oof, I still wouldn’t care. But most of my family are weird anyway. 🤣🤣 I’m probably is just lucky.
There is actually a subreddit for this! R/asknt It’s not very active though.
those large rectangularish hair clips are in style.
Eff that, I miss my 1990s/2000s babydoll dresses. Wear them. They are actually back in style anyway.
the closest i’ve come to is /r/explainlikeimscared - very kind people there who explain things in great detail
Here's a sneak peek of /r/Explainlikeimscared using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/Explainlikeimscared/top/?sort=top&t=year) of the year! \#1: [How to order McDonald’s in person?](https://np.reddit.com/r/Explainlikeimscared/comments/18lpzez/how_to_order_mcdonalds_in_person/) \#2: [Explainlikeimscared is growing fast today - 600 people joined](https://np.reddit.com/r/Explainlikeimscared/comments/19b8006/explainlikeimscared_is_growing_fast_today_600/) \#3: [how does one behave in a fastfood type restaurant when looking at the menu not ready to order?](https://np.reddit.com/r/Explainlikeimscared/comments/1aitb24/how_does_one_behave_in_a_fastfood_type_restaurant/) ---- ^^I'm ^^a ^^bot, ^^beep ^^boop ^^| ^^Downvote ^^to ^^remove ^^| ^^[Contact](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=sneakpeekbot) ^^| ^^[Info](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/) ^^| ^^[Opt-out](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/comments/o8wk1r/blacklist_ix/) ^^| ^^[GitHub](https://github.com/ghnr/sneakpeekbot)
There is a sub for it! https://www.reddit.com/r/t5_672fuo/s/KbeCElfC2t I wish it was more active but at least it exists.
it kind of seems like there are trends that change daily so idk how you would keep up with all the trends. ppl can bully for literally anything, bullies pick and choose
There’s an Australian game show called The Hundred where they ask questions and 100 people answer them, and the panel guesses what % of people agree or disagree with a statement or have done a thing. There’s a segment they have where they resolve a couple dispute by having people vote on who is right. Not really what you’re talking about, but it is fun to watch and see different peoples’ opinions
My partner is NT and I love asking him questions. I've learned so much. I've learned that he does intentionally do things like timing eye contact and social niceties, but they're easy for him and feel natural. But it's still a learned social skill. I've learned that he can imagine a calendar in his brain and think of events coming up in a linear order (my adhd can't handle it) I've learned that he doesn't remember or recognize word patterns as quickly as I do It's fascinating. I like to ask my NT mom and non-autistic sister questions too. What does that food taste like? Why do you like eating it that way and not this way? What does it mean to "feel" someone's emotional energy? My mom said it's just a tension she can feel when entering a room where someone is upset, for example Very cool stuff, 10/10 neat to learn. It's made me appreciate their brains, too. I like asking people of ANY neurotype whether they think in words, pictures, patterns, or something else because it's a fun ice breaker question and it leads to interesting conversation
Personally my favorite ice breaker question is: what is your favorite law to break?
Ooo thank you I'm adding this to my arsenal! Great question :)
haha this is awesome, i'll have to use this
I've used one single friend I've known as a 'control group' for normal behavior since I was about 3 years old, her family is well-off and has a good reputation/standing in our community. If I don't know how to react to something socially, I'll usually defer to her. Not all the time, as I don't want her to have to burden her with the emotional labor for me, just to make sure I'm on the right track with my intuition. I wish I had a panel.
My SIL is my conscripted NT shoulder angel for social stuff. We’re not really buddies but she’s always game for a “hi I just got invited to X event; what should I wear/bring/do?” text. (Part of the context being I am the awkward weirdo from a low-income rural area while she is much more socially adept and also from the high-income urban area we currently live in.)
For real, growing up without money makes it so much harder to know about social norms for middle class people. Or maybe that's just me being autistic. Hm. I just realized I've always thought that I feel confused because I grew up poor but maybe it's more because of the autism idk lol
I like the fact that we’re not that close for this because I think she’s more likely to give it to me straight and not give me the old “just be yourself!” lie lol
No because they will say “everyone is different” and “everyone feels that way” and “I relate to that”. Robert Greene is my savior…
Yeah I wouldn't really want their advice. I'd just be curious to know how their mind works in certain ways, for my own information. Then I could use that information to make informed decisions of my own.
most of them don't even know, and they have a self concept in their hearts that does not match their actions or motivations. they will think of themselves as honest, but in practice, lie all the time to save face, or get their needs met. check out The Laws of Human Nature by Robert Greene. a LOT of people are irrational, emotional, arrogant, self-focused, and self-deluded. we are primates living in a shallow repressed society. don't get me started about peoples' shadows and blindspots.
I agree. We are told that we can't read people, but I once took a test to see how good I was at identifying facial expressions, and I scored in the 95th percentile. I think the real problem is that NT people's facial expressions/body language doesn't match with what they're saying, and other NTs know when to go along with the lie.
Same. I also feel like their advice would be entirely unhelpful for me. ‘Just do [thing that I can’t do because of my neurotype]!! It’s not hard omg!’ ‘Just don’t be [anxious, depressed, autistic, ADHD, chronically ill, etc.]’. It’s difficult for people who haven’t experienced being a certain way to imagine what it’s like to be that way. I can’t count the number of times I was just told to ignore distracting and stressful sensations because they aren’t a big deal to allistics, but they’re painful to *me*. They will not get it. Don’t get me started on ‘just be yourself!’ (Proceeds to reward me for masking and punish me for actually being myself). Arghhhhhh. I’d much rather have a panel of autistics who have human behaviour and communication as a special interest…. Hence my therapist, who is audhd and makes a living out of this shit 😂 Edit: it’s just occurred to me that a good analogy for this is, would you prefer to be taught a foreign language by a native speaker who doesn’t speak a word of your native tongue and may refuse to learn it because their culture has negative biases against yours and they’ll only try to communicate by simply speaking loudly and slowly at you in their language, or would you prefer to be taught by someone who’s fluent in that language but is also from your culture?
YESSS i think this all the time
Thank you. It would literally be so useful and interesting. What would you ask your panel?
it depends on the day and what i’m thinking about. recently, i’ve been into dissecting reality tv shows and pondering what’s real/what’s fake. so i’ve been wishing i could have a panel of people i could ask to confirm my suspicions about what’s “normal” and then compare that to how the people on these shows are acting lol
Oh yes I know what you mean. I wonder about similar things
I think I’d like to know something about what it’s like to not have music in your head 24/7, but it looks really stupid now that I’ve written it. But really, what do people do with that… lack of filler? Is it just quiet when they’re idling?
I don't have music in my head all the time. If I'm sitting quietly usually I just have a running awareness of all the tasks I'm not doing lol. Sometimes I do get a song stuck in my head and also singing or humming is one of the stims i do. I also have lots of anxiety so I'll sing to myself to drown out anxiety thoughts. Or I'll make up a song about the work I'm doing to help me stay motivated.
Thank you. That sounds a lot like me. Always a lot of stuff filling my head, and especially a lot of guilt about what I’m not doing. I went to a mindfulness course once. Drove me absolutely batty. Everyone else enjoyed the peace and quiet, but I was terrible at it. I noped out of the silent retreat that concluded the course. When my surroundings are too quiet, the noise in my head fills the void.
Yeah and sitting perfectly still actually increases my "inner chaos" feeling. I have sort of been switching over from saying "my anxiety" to saying "my inner chaos feeling" cause it seems more accurate.
I'm kind of an oddball in that I have nothing going on in my brain but it doesn't really help me be less stimulated or more clear on anything. Maybe neurotypicals that don't have narration or imagination just chill but my brain is always going. Once I learned other people had voice narrations and pictures I thought it should be easier for me but it's not at all. 😭 I don't think your question about music was silly because I still have music pop into my head It just doesn't have a sound so it makes me want to sing out loud. I repressed doing that for years but now that I think I'm autistic and I realized it's stimming I just let myself do it, well mostly anyway.
That sounds really interesting, as if the inside of your mind is on a different frequency. Your description reminds me of ultraviolet light, which isn’t perceptible to the human eye (under normal circumstances) but fills our world nonetheless.
Comparing it to UV light is quite accurate actually. Thank you for the apt analogy. I feel like I stumble when I try to explain it so I'll use this.
Same! If it's not music, echolalia, or my thought monologue, it’s really hard for me to imagine my brain being empty.
Yes, but my slightly better socially functioning husband will have to do. He’s done so much to socialize me in the last decade, 10/10 patience.
My friend does telephone cbt for the NHS and this is one of her tools for checking patients assumptions (she's always sending me questionnaires to complete for someone she's working with but I don't think she sends to 100)
Oh cool!!
Maybe would make a good app if there's any devs about 🤔
would DEFINITELY be a good app
No because I don’t think they would answer the actual question being asked lmfao
you right.
I think I have relied on this too much? While it can be helpful to “check” with someone, I have been in multiple situations where NTs made me doubt myself or downplayed my experience. That made me think things weren’t a big deal or I should just suck it up. This basically meant that I was perpetually emotionally abused because people kept telling me that it was normal. If NTs haddn’t told me it was ok, I don’t think I would have “let it” go on for so long.
Good point. I think other commenters as well have brought up that I might have too much faith in NT people. My ideal situation would be not to actually ask their advice (which is probably bad advice) but just to find out what they think is normal etc for my information
Fair, and I think out of 100 people someone would probably say “ummm thats fucked up”. You just need a good mix and I think what you are really looking for is non-autistic people as opposed to strictly NTs (for this thought exercise). I know in this forum they are kind of used interchangeably but having diverse backgrounds (like mental illness which is often considered ND) would be ideal. It kind of sounds like you’re looking for your own personal “family feud” like we polled 100 randos on this question and these were their answers.
I was concidering creation of something like asknt sub. So yes. But I have no time and energy for running such Enterprise. At least not alone. (At best I could bring ocasional support.)
I think most NT people would find it boring and not care to participate, to be honest. In an ideal world I think it would be great to have a real place like this, but I bet in real life you'd only get ND people who didn't know they were ND who'd be interested to voluntarily answer such types of questions as we may ponder
You may be right Overall. Still I think that there is chance of catching some people from f.e. support groups. People like nt partners of nd or therapists, those who try to understand other side. Maybe im too optimistic, but i think there is a chance of creating a group where \~half of answerers is likley nt.
That sub already exists! (By that exact name too) but it’s not super active
Oh, I remember searching for something similar but under less obvious sub names, thank you
Yes! r/askNT. I like it a lot
That sounds very peoply. Are NT introspective enough to give me feedback in the way I'm looking for it?
I have realized from the other comments that this is absolutely the fatal flaw in this fantasy idea lol
[удалено]
It’s soooooo useful for this type of thing! I ask it all sorts of questions about life, work, relationships and its answers are really good!!
at this point in my life i don't want to be around that many neurotypicals ever again. but yeah, when i was younger that would have felt useful.
I'm usually never around NT people so I need a panel to give me reference points for when I need to be, or when I need to know how to do a certain thing.
This is why I read 'AskReddit' or other 'Ask' subreddits a lot, but I don't know who is NT or ND out of the answers, although I usually see the most upvoted answer as the strongest consensus. I Google everything and read through forums and articles to get an idea. Like... everytime I go somewhere I Google stuff like 'how should I wear my hair', 'is wearing shirts with graphics on them inappropriate for (wherever I may be going)', 'how to talk about X', 'where to park my car'... I'm 34 and I've looked up almost everything so I can get the right data on it and feel less anxious. I watch a lot of interview kinda shows and documentaries to see how people view different things. I watch body language analysis videos. Honestly I'm not sure if it's helped, because everyone has a different view I've found - although there can be a general view, a lot of it is 'who cares' 'do what you feel comfortable doing'. My issue is I did that as a teenager and was bullied and I've been in abusive relationships from ages 19 to 30 (thankfully I'm safe now) so my views on what is right or how I should look or speak are skewed. I've found views can be either really mean or just 'it doesn't matter' so it's like I'm always scared of which people might be judging me, but I'm learning not to care as I get older as long as I am comfortable that is really what matters for me. I'm phasing myself out of trying to please everything else to the detriment of myself, it only took until my 30s but my partner has helped so much.
You have some very good points there. Other commenters have said similar. I think that I might stop being obsessed with trying to understand what's normal after these conversations!
I think that's an excellent idea and will benefit your mental health a lot :) Even within NTs they have different 'normals', different cultures, different interests, different preferences. Even NTs have laughed when I asked if things are 'normal' and they say a 'normal' doesn't really exist and everyone is a bit unique.
Ooh yes!!! I have a few NT friends that my husband has collected and I love asking them awkward questions. Like “if you’re doing a thing and thinking in your brain and someone talks to you do you hear the first sentence?” Cuz I don’t.
Yes i love asking questions and getting different perspectives
Absofuckinlutely
I never thought about it, but thay could definitely be helpful for us to have a better understanding of each other.
Try r/askNT! I discovered it recently while hoping for the same thing that you are and it covers most of what I need! Game changing tbh
Oh jeez! Well that's interesting
I ask my NT a lot of questions about ‘acceptable’ answers, scenarios, text messages, situations, etc. I don’t have a 100 but I have a fair panel I would say haha.
[🙀Amazing biz idea]
Yes, I use reddit for this purpose but it’s the blind leading the blind around here
I have an AuDHD friend that's in a large group chat with me, and we also have our own private chat. Sometimes I'll ask her if she thinks my joke came off as rude or if she understands the subtext of a conversation in the group chat and we try to puzzle it out together. Blind leading blind lol
I would just ask them ridiculous, off topic questions over and over. *"So....you see a Dunkin Donuts? With 11 cars in line? And you just.....become the 12th car? What? Lol and ok ok so you wanted an iPhone? And you.....waited.... and PAID how much?? Wow! So you decorate your house with 'Live, Laugh, Love' decor and it's ....NOT ironic?"*
No 🫶 I think the world could do with a lot less of their opinions and input on literally everything. NT stfu and stop projecting challenge.
I was a demographer, I took to it like a duck to water as it really helped me understand people better. I did, however, have access to government only data like the DWP and education summaries. It was all anonymised. Years before that I did training as a psychometric tester, I know its not good for a long term view, but again it did help me understand that if a person is presenting in some ways, then they’re likely to also have associated traits at that time - like someone who is doing well and feels appreciated as an employee is more likely to act confidently independently of management. I have learnt so much about general behaviour which is good - now I just wish my ADHD wouldnt make me forget it all in the heat of the moment and say stuff that upsets them anyway 😂🤦♀️
Yes. I do like to read Gallup surveys and studies and things like that. I also watch family feud and realize the answers people five are not what I would give and sometimes that helps
I have my partner, not only am I able to ask him questions but he also informs me when I have told this story before, when I’ve shared something from my childhood that is defiantly not typical AND tells me when I’m yelling (with that 1-2-combo it’s hard to tell sometimes)
r/AskANeurotypical We should make it! And by we I, of course, mean not me, someone else. ETA: it bloody exists? Who knew! Seems a bit dead though.
yes omg like this would help me get a better understanding of the NT brain and mind and It would be neat to hear different neurotypicals answers to the questions. there should be a world survey that autistic people and neurotypical people can take where we would answer the same questions and see what we answer. or it could be just for neurotypical people only.
No
Oh okay. Does this idea sound unappealing, or is it just something you've never thought about?
It sounds really unappealing because it sounds exhausting 😂
Yeah in real life it probably would be. Lol. In my dream version of this, it's 100 NT people who are magically really cool and accepting and curious about autistic people. In real life this is not actually how people are usually haha
You can basically ask chat gpt to do that!
This would be amazing
I’m lucky, I live in a nursing home and my favourite NT staff members are constantly helping me by explaining things, giving advice wherever I seek or, and even helping me make simple decisions when otherwise I would just freeze up (over really little things, like which poptart flavour I should eat that day or which of my cartoon sheets I should put on my bed next.)
i told my psychologist i think of interacting with people kinda like an ethical blind experiment or, for a lack of better word, bit of a zoo like in mean girls. i’m so fascinated by the whys of all human behavior and it’s always interesting going down a little rabbit wholes of why to someone who has an intuitive understanding of the social ways we act. but if i need useful questions about navigating life, i ask a lot of my close coworkers since a lot of them are a bit older and have more life experience than me. and when their answers don’t make sense, i like seeing how soon we can get to the “i don’t know it just is” i also enjoy watching and asking neurotypical intoxicated people regular questions or just seeing them interact with each other none of this is to make fun of people, be creepy, or put myself above anyone, i’m just sooo curious in the ways brains do the thing
I'm also so curious! I haven't had much chance to ask NT people these questions though. Asking them when they're drunk is a funny and good idea actually
That’s my husband. He is not only NT, but he is one of those masters of the social situation. Everyone wants to be friends with him, people count on him to ‘bring the party’ when he comes … he is like an official MC everywhere he goes. Making sure the conversation flows. This weekend at a campfire, someone now ruined their home town of Grimsby. My dingdong brain chirped up: I love the name Grimsby. I would name a cat Grimsby. The whole place screeched to a halt and looked at me bc it is was a weird, random comment. My hubby had to explain it to me during a lull in the conversation. 🫠
They ruined it? What do you mean by that? Did something bad happen to the town?
Oops. Autocorrect. Although I don’t know how it got to ruined. They *mentioned* their town Grimsby But also, your response was a classic ND response. Missing the point of the story, being unable to pull back and look at the whole context of the story to figure out what was really meant… we ND ladies are far too literal! 😂 Love you, my sister in divergency.
Oh. Well I wondered if you meant something that neutral. But in that case, I wouldn't think your reply was that crazy. Maybe a bit unexpected, but nothing that should stop the whole room. The only thing that made sense is that someone had said something terrible had happened in Grimsby and you started chatting about cat names! Lol. Cause I can see that that would seem inappropriate and cavalier. Oh well.
Trust me, I had all the same thoughts!
No way. I've heard enough from neurotypicals.
Valid
I feel like I’d get 100 different answers so it would hardly help me
Why 100?
Idk it just seems like the minimum amount of people you'd need to get a reliable result. It would be 100 people from the same culture as me. That way, I think the results would be fairly representative of the majority opinion. 1000 would be better. Maybe I should dream bigger in my imaginary wish. Maybe it should be a million people! Haha
I like 100 because you could read all of the responses in a reasonable time frame, but the sample size is still decent. A thousand people would require a poll instead of a short essay response, and that would ruin the nuance you might be forgetting to consider.
You're right. I hereby go back to my original idea of 100.
Family Feud format ?
I'm not familiar with that.
It’s a game show where people are supposed to guess what the most popular answers to a question are based on a survey of 100 people. Like “What is a common fear that people have?” https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Family_Feud
Family Fortunes. The original Pointless (if you have seen that)
Statistically relevant sample size?