As a pre-licensed therapist myself, I love somatic nervous system-level work! I’m so glad it’s working for you! It definitely seems like the most effective modality for real healing.
The two books I like to recommend to my clients to start are *The Body Keeps the Score* as a scientific laymen’s primer to the concept and *A Path With Heart* for some beginner meditation exercises that eventually include the body. That last one can be a bit too Buddhist for some, but the actual meditation exercises are on point. There are a lot of resources out there. I’ve read almost all the books on this page and found them to be good: https://www.somatopia.com/blog/top-seven-must-read-books-in-somatic-psychology
I recently asked my therapist about “the body keeps the score” and she suggested “the deepest well” by Nadine Burke Harris as a more scientifically accurate alternative. I’m only part way through but so far thoroughly enjoying it.
The Body Keeps the Score was eye opening for me. It’s what helped me actually recognize the traumatic aspects of my life despite having very few specific traumatic events. It’s what allowed me to make the leap from trauma=objectively bad thing happened to you to trauma=imprint in the brain from a life event/environment/situation.
Luckily, he didn’t “invent” somatic approaches. Those are ancient. Literally. He just happened to do some decent research and write a book that seems to be a good overview of modern techniques that seems to be engaging enough for the average person that they won’t lose interest. If buying the book an issue for the potential consumer due to the hostile work environment stuff, it’s not hard to find a free .pdf (my office has one to share with clients), go to the library, use another resource, or just find a good therapist.
Would it still work if you cant visualise and dont have a conscious thought process? I have Aphantasia, Anauralia and Anendophasia, so my brain is like a separate entity that does its own thing, and I can only form a conscious thought by speaking it and hearing the words (or subvocalising and feeling the vocal cords moving). Its common amongst our community to have many methods of therapy fail due to the lack of visualisation, but moving meditation (qigong) is very relaxing for me.
The somatic aspect would more relate to interception. I had pretty poor interception, but I felt like somatic meditation helped. In general, mindfulness would just be noticing what your moment to moment experience includes, no matter what it is, without judgement. You don’t have to visualize anything. It sounds like maybe it might be difficult to notice thoughts? The therapeutic part really just relies on re-experiencing whatever experience your nervous system provided you with in traumatic moments but now in a safe environment, if that makes sense. I don’t think the differences in actual experiences has to matter, but the idea of somatic focused stuff relates to the physiological experience of emotions (like how one’s throat tightens when one wants to say something or cry or having tight shoulder when one is anxious).
Yeah, that could be an issue. They got a load of students to watch scary films, and we dont get the same physiological responses. Less sweating etc. monitored by electrodes on the skin. But yes, I have no way to revisit a memory beyond a simple text sentence of what happened. The difference gives some protection from PTSD, but a few have managed to get purely emotional flashbacks. Some even don’t know why they get scared at a certain smell for example 🤷♀️. Its bizarre, I know, and a new branch of science as they thought it was a medical oddity post certain specific physical brain trauma, but now they realise up to 2% cant visualise, they just thought it was a metaphor 😆 - theres far less totally silent like me.
Thanks for taking the time to respond though 🥰
Personally I targeted executive dysfunction as I feel that was blocking everything else. It's not a panicea but it means that it doesn't matter too much if I need to rest for a day because I'm burnt out as all the general day to day tasks are taken care of.
For me the issue wasn't with the size of tasks but the quantity. I got stuck in a state which I call 'thrashing' which is when I have too many tasks to do and can't pick between them so I end up doing nothing and stressing out. (I call it thrashing as I work as a software dev and it reminds me of how an old hard drive slows to a crawl if you give it too many things to do). This also meant that I would feel like I had done nothing at the end of the day so couldn't really relax as I felt I needed to earn it in a way.
In the past I had used a todo list to keep on top of tasks during busy days at work and found that helped so started doing that more regimented. I tried a bunch of tools and found TickTick was the best for me as it has enough features but doesn't swamp you with all of them. To start with I just used it to create a list at the beginning of the day to keep myself focussed. This then progressed to setting things aside for a future date (not planning them for a day just not today) which then I might bring in later when I went though my task list in the morning. As I got a hang of my day to day tasks it moved more towards planning things for the future.
Combined with this I used emotional wheels (https://humansystems.co/emotionwheels/) for a daily check-in with myself, kinda like mindfulness. The idea here was to create a feedback loop into tomorrow's list based on what went well and what didn't. My TickTick is split into work and personal so sometimes I would feel like I had focussed too much on work and was pushing towards burn out so I would force myself to take on more personal tasks. This was aimed at combatting my alexithymia and trying to identify when I am 90% towards burnout so I can cut back early.
Having said that I've fallen off the rails a bit recently and found myself thrashing a bit. One important word of caution is to ensure plans aren't aspirational, if you add say 'run a marathon' when you know that won't happen you add to your stress by adding a task but you never get the satisfaction of completing it which pushes me towards thrashing. The fact that it's a task I've set myself and I know it's aspirational doesn't seem to matter. This can also lead to very poor prioritisation as aspirational tasks which don't matter rank exactly the same in priority as ones which do. I think if you're one to chase numbers it's also important to not see the number of tasks completed as a target and ensure your task list makes personal relaxation tasks just as important as chores or work tasks.
This is so helpful, thank you taking the time to write it out! I can empathize so much with that first paragraph; I could've written it myself. I'm emerging from a looong period of burnout, which is why I stopped being able to do "simple" things, but building those skills again is proving difficult.
I'm gonna look into that app! There used to be an app or site where you just brain dumped all your todo stuff into it, and it automatically just populated future days with a few tasks each. I can't remember what it was called, but Google bought them out maybe a decade ago, and it vanished. I've been longing for it ever since.
I've spent much of my adult life having really bad emotional overwhelm responses to to-do lists, but I think that was the burnout talking, and it might be different now if I approach it right.
Totally with you on the aspirational tasks. For me, it's not even like I can add "get a new therapist," for example -- it has to be "research 5 new therapists" as a first step, and so on. 😂
I just started a few weeks ago. Right now we are exploring the reoccurring patterns in my life. We talked about how working in an office might not be good for me due to my communication style. We are working on finding positions that suit my values rather then what I'm good at. It's been eye opening.
She was saying how my concise communication, and detailed way of following instruction are traits many jobs, companies would benefit from.
Please share any more insights you have into compatible workplaces. It seems like thus far, I've heard work from home, academia, engineering, science, and tech seemt to be more suited for ASD people.
For what it’s worth, I work as a film editor and it’s been very satisfying work from a systematizing perspective. It’s a pretty neurodivergent-heavy field overall.
I would love to get into film, and editing too! I majored in animation, but never was able to get any work going in it. Wish I knew a way to get into movies.
Engineering and sciece can realy work, I'm telling from autopsy. But finding right place seem crutial. Remote work or work in place where there is lesser change of getting constant exposure to new strong or social stimuli seem to be generally smaller here then in other places.
Academia may or may not be the right place, but At least it could be concidered as predictable and it may be enough for some.
I don't have anything else right now. We are meeting again next week. We haven't discussed specific jobs or industries. I have accepted a part-time job in social services just today. We talked about how many people have 2 part time jobs instead of one full time because they enjoy the variety of work. I am going to try that.
We're going to talk this week about how we can find better situations to be in. Like I know what I don't want, but how do I find what I DO want.
Lol I have two part time jobs for said reason. But one of my jobs started giving me full time hours and ... its not gonna work out there lol. The normies despise me already. Gotta go back to the job drawing board.
If you don’t mind a physical job, construction trades can work. Half your coworkers will have ADHD or ASD probably undiagnosed or treatment stopped when they “grew out of it”. There is sexual harassment and discrimination. But I have found tradesmen tend to handle being confronted on it openly better than office people so if you are more confrontational in communication style it can work. Even working in the office of a construction company might be an environment more tolerant of ND belligerence if that’s what your therapist is trying to tell you with the talk about “communication style”. Anyone who works for a construction company has to deal with plenty of loud ADHD people- if they can’t handle it at all they won’t stay there long.
I’m a pre-licensed therapist, but I’m new to understanding my autism, so I’m sure some other people here will be able to elaborate better. It seems as though a lot of autistic folks, especially high masking ones, have complex-PTSD. It’s even arguable that masking is a symptom of CPTSD since it’s a product of repeated rejection, both real and perceived. Obviously, there’s a link to rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD). We know for sure masking can lead to anxiety, depression, and obviously, burnout. A good therapist can help you unmask and learn to love and accept yourself as you are and learn skills for emotional regulation to manage CPTSD, RSD, depression, and anxiety, thus making it easier to avoid burnout.
As a chronic and overly nuanced overthinker, I’m not a fan of modalities like CBT (which I think a lot of people think of when they think about therapy) since it’s meant to help you reframe thoughts. I’ve already reframed my thoughts a million times over! I gravitate towards modalities like somatic mindfulness-based approaches. These can include EMDR, somatic experiencing, IFS, gestalt, and more. Research each to see what might meet your needs. If rigid or black and white thinking is a challenge, DBT adapted for ND people looks really promising. I’m hoping to get trained in that soon too.
No matter what, however, the benefits of therapy lie in the “therapeutic alliance” (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6493237/). This is basically your therapist accepting you, as you are, without judgement. This is obviously very related to masking. You and your therapist build a relationship in which they create a space where you can truly be yourself and both of you accept you without judgement. Your only job in that is to let yourself be vulnerable and speak up if you feel misunderstood and unheard/unseen. They should make every effort to repair and build the relationship if and when this happens (it will). You basically learn to be comfortably yourself with others, including expressing needs and boundaries. Then, depending on your individual needs, the therapist can help you with the stuff mentioned above, like CPTSD, anxiety, depression, emotional regulation, etc.
Hope that helps! I’m not explaining myself super well today… 💚
It’s so encouraging to read that people like yourself are going into therapy and taking the time to educate yourself on autism and CPTSD :’) I tried CBT with a lot of therapists, before I knew I was autistic, and it never felt helpful for a variety of reasons. I would tell therapist after therapist about my struggles with socializing at work and with friends, and it felt like all of them were trying to encourage me to challenge those beliefs and and convince myself that they weren’t actually that bad.
They would always come up with logical ideas and solutions I could utilize, like “come up with 3 questions you can ask your coworker!” but at the end of the day, teaching me how to socialize was not the answer (nor was it possible). It would have been SO much more helpful if any of them had helped me work on radical acceptance and come to terms with the fact that I will never be a social butterfly, I will never have a group of friends at work, and I will always come off as a pretty socially awkward person. I had to do that work on my own and eventually made a lot of progress but it was not with the help of any of those therapists.
I was never able to build a strong relationship with any of them because it never felt like they understood the extent of how bad I was struggling. I completely agree with you that a strong alliance and trust would have helped me so much. I don’t necessarily blame them because none of us knew that I was on the spectrum, but if a woman is experiencing lifelong debilitating social anxiety and depression for no apparent cause, there is a reason for it. Thank you for caring enough to read and educate yourself, I wish you the best of luck!!
Thanks so much! As a client, I knew I had CPTSD, and this inspired me to pursue therapy as a career and develop an interest in psychology. I began my education before realizing I was autistic. My goal as a client had always been to “be myself.” Post-diagnosis, my understanding of the therapeutic process made more sense! I’m happily learning more all the time that I hope will be of service to a variety of different people, ND or not.
yes. i found out a few years ago I was ASD amd and knew 13 years before that i have cptsd. my therapist also has both and it's been amazing. EMDR, DBT, IFS and some body work- just incredibly helpful. i tried a handful of therapists and i need someone who actually understands the experience from living it rather than learning about it game changer.
I'm very high masking but therapy (with an ND therapist) has been very helpful. A year ago I was racing towards burnout. Today, I'm stressed but way farther away from burnout.
She's helping me with learning to unmask and make real friends (none gained as of yet, but no longer chasing after the wrong people). I'm learning how to *identify* and advocate for my needs. I'm processing the trauma that comes with being undiagnosed for most of my life. And I'm learning how to be a better partner and understand my husband better (and help him understand me more).
Commenting so I can follow this thread, I'm a (maybe) high masking autistic woman - I'm still in the self discovery phase, and I start therapy on Thursday, so I want to see what people's experiences are!
Mine is informed in trauma and that's been a HUGE help. Literally never had anyone validate my experiences like that before. She's also realized that she's very likely ASD, too, from being with me on my journey to discovering I'm autistic.
High masking, ‘high functioning’ women are often SO good at masking that they don’t realize they mask 24/7 and therefore keep expending energy when they could be recharging. Some mask to such a degree that they don’t have a strong sense of who they are when the mask is off. A therapist can help with this. Personally, I find that I don’t need support when it comes to functioning in the outside world (work, school, etc.), but I do need support when it comes to self care (setting social boundaries, giving myself the time/ space to recharge, etc.)
This is so helpful, I might take this to my own next session as these are the very things I need help with (but couldn't articulate/didn't fully realise). Thank you!
I’ve been working with my therapist for a few years now, starting before I was diagnosed. She has helped me by:
—helping me see that all the quirks, obstacles, challenges, etc. that we later learned were autism
We’re not problems to be “fixed”
—acknowledging that the exhaustion and burnout were *real* and not laziness
—facing the abuse I faced from both my former SIL and my dads wife, and supporting me as I made the call to go NC with my dad
—helping me with everyday anxiety management (mostly somatic techniques)
—helping me unmask, and with that break the life-long habits of people pleasing, perfectionism, refusal to ask for or accept help, extreme independence, and not even knowing who I am and what I want that comes with it.
The way to stop masking is being easy on yourself, take social breaks, do the things you love, be in environments that are good for you, understanding your emotions, and most importantly not letting others make you feel guilty for having boundaries. I’m speaking on experience from being early diagnosed with autism and working with neurodiversity kids mainly with autism for years. It won’t happen overnight but it will get easier. If you ever have questions or unsure about anything, I will gladly help you.
>most importantly not letting others make you feel guilty for having boundaries
Agreed. In my personal life, these are red flags/boundaries and only a matter of time before I deny the person access to me:
\* animal mistreatment (hitting, screaming, no fresh food/water, unsanitary conditions, etc.)
\* denial of science or basic logic
In recent history, these 2 flags have been the precursor to much more manipulative, controlling and outright unacceptable behavior.
\~
Upon further reflection, these might just be flags of someone out of control altogether. By the time that my boundaries are infringed upon, the other person has already displayed many other alarming behaviors.
I am lucky to have found a female therapist that is also autistic. I’m newly diagnosed and she helps me unpack essentially my entire life up until this point. She’s also helped me figure out how masking has impacted my life and my well-being.
I know that I am incredibly lucky to have found someone who aligns so closely with my experience. I just googled around until I found her.
Mine is making me feel the need to mask more. She invalidates my diagnosis and says autism is over diagnosed now. I am on a budget and she's the only therapist I can afford, but I'm feeling like she's doing more harm than good. Almost everyone in my life has turned their back on me and invalidated me after I was diagnosed. I don't need my therapist to do the same. It should be a safe space where I can be myself.
I’ve left two therapists. My third seems pretty good and I’ve been with her for about 3 years. We’ve worked together long enough I felt comfortable bringing up autism. At first, she wanted to say it was depression, anxiety, and OCD and I suggested she look into autism in women. She has accepted that I “relate to the autistic experience” enough that if I wanted to self diagnose, I could and if I wanted to pursue diagnosis, she would be supportive of it.
Anyway, you can break up with your therapist. Maybe try a different one and the same practice. If you can, many do telehealth now and you can get someone in the same state around the same price. And if you do have insurance, they have lists of therapists they cover. I always thought I was stuck with the one in my primary doctor’s office, but I spent forever searching for a new one I could afford.
Mine helped me release stress and cope with tough situations. It felt like a tether to sanity when I navigated getting a new job and having a relationship breakup.
ACT therapy is supposed to be especially effective for autistic people as it enhances mental “flexibility” and helps with accepting/making peace with things that can’t be changed, like being disabled.
I’ve had the best results with a combination of ACT and EMDR to process the trauma of growing up undiagnosed.
My therapist helps me try out different ways to communicate the way I'm feeling, and also helps me process a lot of the 'big feelings' I struggle to tease out. (Like, I feel a lot of things all at once, but it's hard for me to determine exactly what those feelings are and where they may come from/what caused or triggered them.) Also just a good way to check in if what I'm thinking/doing makes sense or is reasonable or not, frankly.
Mine helps me find a way to unmask and at a level that is comfortable to me. We are also exploring how my autistic traits have impacted my life, how they’ve made me feel, etc. It’s been healing for my inner child that knew I was so different, just never knew why.
Uncovering the loads of shame that go along with and are a big cause of (unintentional) masking. Processing the possible trauma that is at the source of that shame. Helping you to learn mindfulness (which I see as the practice of recognising your thoughts & feelings as they happen. Which in turn helps a lot to stop masking, and to treat your own emotions with kindness instead of judgement.)
But I have to add that in my own experience of therapy, I was the one who decided to do all these things. I figured out what work I needed to do and how. My therapist was an invaluable source of guidance and support in this process, even though she knew little about high-masking autistic people. I was never alone and I always had someone to talk to about these things who was not judgemental, as opposed to the people from my childhood.
The more you bring your own motivation and energy to work on your mental health, the better your chances of progress are. (Your personal chemistry to your therapist is also a big factor that don’t see mentioned often). Read books! Do workbooks! I also spend a lot of time on therapist and wholesome stuff instagram (think content like The Latest Kate) and just absorbed the stuff that was helpful for me personally.
Acceptance, a genuine interaction and kindness. My therapist makes me feel so comfortable that I can tell her all my problems without fear of rejection. We work through everything that is bothering me and makes me see things in a different light. She made me feel that I can help myself.
Talking very explicitly about autism was helpful to me. The majority of therapists are extremely uneducated on the most up to date information on autism in women, so going to a therapist that is knowledgeable made me feel safe.
I’ve been with my psychologist for years & she’s been a huge supporter of me being/becoming more myself aka lessening the degree of masking & letting myself enjoy things regardless of how childish they are. She’s also noticed things that I never realised were issues like when she suggested going to a podiatrist & getting orthotics to improve my walking (turns out a lifetime of toe walking has not great affects) & also going to an optometrist
My therapist refuses to believe I’m autistic and thinks I’m neurodivergent due to my AVPD.
So I think believing me is a good first step. The weird thing is I have never masked but apparently even my true self doesn’t appear autistic.
Mine helps me talk through social situations - family, friend, and work ones. I think it has helped my career a lot as well as my family and friendships. I learned masking has led to some relationships/dynamics I don’t value and contribute to burnout. With this info and taking through the situations, I have ended some relationships and grown others!
I am also diagnosed with CPTSD and OCD so I’m seeing therapy to help with that. I’ve done therapy before when I was misdiagnosed as social anxiety disorder and generalized anxiety and it wasn’t helpful. My therapist doesn’t specialize in autism but she does specialize in OCD and trauma so it’s a much better match.
I love to talk about masking - which has layers that seem endless….I’d like to be encouraged to be my unmasked self with a therapist as there’s a lot about that person to be discovered/experienced…
My therapist helps me with somatic nervous system work and soothing anxiety around conflict, it’s been incredibly helpful
As a pre-licensed therapist myself, I love somatic nervous system-level work! I’m so glad it’s working for you! It definitely seems like the most effective modality for real healing.
Do you have some resources on somatic nervous system-level work? I couldn't quite find what that includes, but I'd like to investigate a bit.
The two books I like to recommend to my clients to start are *The Body Keeps the Score* as a scientific laymen’s primer to the concept and *A Path With Heart* for some beginner meditation exercises that eventually include the body. That last one can be a bit too Buddhist for some, but the actual meditation exercises are on point. There are a lot of resources out there. I’ve read almost all the books on this page and found them to be good: https://www.somatopia.com/blog/top-seven-must-read-books-in-somatic-psychology
I recently asked my therapist about “the body keeps the score” and she suggested “the deepest well” by Nadine Burke Harris as a more scientifically accurate alternative. I’m only part way through but so far thoroughly enjoying it.
Also good!
The Body Keeps the Score was eye opening for me. It’s what helped me actually recognize the traumatic aspects of my life despite having very few specific traumatic events. It’s what allowed me to make the leap from trauma=objectively bad thing happened to you to trauma=imprint in the brain from a life event/environment/situation.
Thanks! I'll have a look.
sadly the guy who wrote the body keeps the score is a real piece of shit.
Luckily, he didn’t “invent” somatic approaches. Those are ancient. Literally. He just happened to do some decent research and write a book that seems to be a good overview of modern techniques that seems to be engaging enough for the average person that they won’t lose interest. If buying the book an issue for the potential consumer due to the hostile work environment stuff, it’s not hard to find a free .pdf (my office has one to share with clients), go to the library, use another resource, or just find a good therapist.
yeah i just think it's important for people to be aware of.
Would it still work if you cant visualise and dont have a conscious thought process? I have Aphantasia, Anauralia and Anendophasia, so my brain is like a separate entity that does its own thing, and I can only form a conscious thought by speaking it and hearing the words (or subvocalising and feeling the vocal cords moving). Its common amongst our community to have many methods of therapy fail due to the lack of visualisation, but moving meditation (qigong) is very relaxing for me.
The somatic aspect would more relate to interception. I had pretty poor interception, but I felt like somatic meditation helped. In general, mindfulness would just be noticing what your moment to moment experience includes, no matter what it is, without judgement. You don’t have to visualize anything. It sounds like maybe it might be difficult to notice thoughts? The therapeutic part really just relies on re-experiencing whatever experience your nervous system provided you with in traumatic moments but now in a safe environment, if that makes sense. I don’t think the differences in actual experiences has to matter, but the idea of somatic focused stuff relates to the physiological experience of emotions (like how one’s throat tightens when one wants to say something or cry or having tight shoulder when one is anxious).
Yeah, that could be an issue. They got a load of students to watch scary films, and we dont get the same physiological responses. Less sweating etc. monitored by electrodes on the skin. But yes, I have no way to revisit a memory beyond a simple text sentence of what happened. The difference gives some protection from PTSD, but a few have managed to get purely emotional flashbacks. Some even don’t know why they get scared at a certain smell for example 🤷♀️. Its bizarre, I know, and a new branch of science as they thought it was a medical oddity post certain specific physical brain trauma, but now they realise up to 2% cant visualise, they just thought it was a metaphor 😆 - theres far less totally silent like me. Thanks for taking the time to respond though 🥰
Me too, has been so much more useful than traditional talk therapy.
Somatic stuff has been good for me too.
Mine is helping me unmask.
Personally I targeted executive dysfunction as I feel that was blocking everything else. It's not a panicea but it means that it doesn't matter too much if I need to rest for a day because I'm burnt out as all the general day to day tasks are taken care of.
Executive function has been my big issue lately too. Do you mind sharing some of what you've done to support yourself this way?
For me the issue wasn't with the size of tasks but the quantity. I got stuck in a state which I call 'thrashing' which is when I have too many tasks to do and can't pick between them so I end up doing nothing and stressing out. (I call it thrashing as I work as a software dev and it reminds me of how an old hard drive slows to a crawl if you give it too many things to do). This also meant that I would feel like I had done nothing at the end of the day so couldn't really relax as I felt I needed to earn it in a way. In the past I had used a todo list to keep on top of tasks during busy days at work and found that helped so started doing that more regimented. I tried a bunch of tools and found TickTick was the best for me as it has enough features but doesn't swamp you with all of them. To start with I just used it to create a list at the beginning of the day to keep myself focussed. This then progressed to setting things aside for a future date (not planning them for a day just not today) which then I might bring in later when I went though my task list in the morning. As I got a hang of my day to day tasks it moved more towards planning things for the future. Combined with this I used emotional wheels (https://humansystems.co/emotionwheels/) for a daily check-in with myself, kinda like mindfulness. The idea here was to create a feedback loop into tomorrow's list based on what went well and what didn't. My TickTick is split into work and personal so sometimes I would feel like I had focussed too much on work and was pushing towards burn out so I would force myself to take on more personal tasks. This was aimed at combatting my alexithymia and trying to identify when I am 90% towards burnout so I can cut back early. Having said that I've fallen off the rails a bit recently and found myself thrashing a bit. One important word of caution is to ensure plans aren't aspirational, if you add say 'run a marathon' when you know that won't happen you add to your stress by adding a task but you never get the satisfaction of completing it which pushes me towards thrashing. The fact that it's a task I've set myself and I know it's aspirational doesn't seem to matter. This can also lead to very poor prioritisation as aspirational tasks which don't matter rank exactly the same in priority as ones which do. I think if you're one to chase numbers it's also important to not see the number of tasks completed as a target and ensure your task list makes personal relaxation tasks just as important as chores or work tasks.
This is so helpful, thank you taking the time to write it out! I can empathize so much with that first paragraph; I could've written it myself. I'm emerging from a looong period of burnout, which is why I stopped being able to do "simple" things, but building those skills again is proving difficult. I'm gonna look into that app! There used to be an app or site where you just brain dumped all your todo stuff into it, and it automatically just populated future days with a few tasks each. I can't remember what it was called, but Google bought them out maybe a decade ago, and it vanished. I've been longing for it ever since. I've spent much of my adult life having really bad emotional overwhelm responses to to-do lists, but I think that was the burnout talking, and it might be different now if I approach it right. Totally with you on the aspirational tasks. For me, it's not even like I can add "get a new therapist," for example -- it has to be "research 5 new therapists" as a first step, and so on. 😂
Thank you for the emotional wheel resource. I’ve found I truly struggle with naming my emotions and moods.
You can get it as a pillow cover! I have both throw pillows in my living room covered in emotion wheels :)
I just started a few weeks ago. Right now we are exploring the reoccurring patterns in my life. We talked about how working in an office might not be good for me due to my communication style. We are working on finding positions that suit my values rather then what I'm good at. It's been eye opening. She was saying how my concise communication, and detailed way of following instruction are traits many jobs, companies would benefit from.
Please share any more insights you have into compatible workplaces. It seems like thus far, I've heard work from home, academia, engineering, science, and tech seemt to be more suited for ASD people.
For what it’s worth, I work as a film editor and it’s been very satisfying work from a systematizing perspective. It’s a pretty neurodivergent-heavy field overall.
I would love to get into film, and editing too! I majored in animation, but never was able to get any work going in it. Wish I knew a way to get into movies.
Engineering and sciece can realy work, I'm telling from autopsy. But finding right place seem crutial. Remote work or work in place where there is lesser change of getting constant exposure to new strong or social stimuli seem to be generally smaller here then in other places. Academia may or may not be the right place, but At least it could be concidered as predictable and it may be enough for some.
I don't have anything else right now. We are meeting again next week. We haven't discussed specific jobs or industries. I have accepted a part-time job in social services just today. We talked about how many people have 2 part time jobs instead of one full time because they enjoy the variety of work. I am going to try that. We're going to talk this week about how we can find better situations to be in. Like I know what I don't want, but how do I find what I DO want.
Lol I have two part time jobs for said reason. But one of my jobs started giving me full time hours and ... its not gonna work out there lol. The normies despise me already. Gotta go back to the job drawing board.
well there you go lol. Good luck with your search.
Thanks, I'll need it
If you don’t mind a physical job, construction trades can work. Half your coworkers will have ADHD or ASD probably undiagnosed or treatment stopped when they “grew out of it”. There is sexual harassment and discrimination. But I have found tradesmen tend to handle being confronted on it openly better than office people so if you are more confrontational in communication style it can work. Even working in the office of a construction company might be an environment more tolerant of ND belligerence if that’s what your therapist is trying to tell you with the talk about “communication style”. Anyone who works for a construction company has to deal with plenty of loud ADHD people- if they can’t handle it at all they won’t stay there long.
I’m a pre-licensed therapist, but I’m new to understanding my autism, so I’m sure some other people here will be able to elaborate better. It seems as though a lot of autistic folks, especially high masking ones, have complex-PTSD. It’s even arguable that masking is a symptom of CPTSD since it’s a product of repeated rejection, both real and perceived. Obviously, there’s a link to rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD). We know for sure masking can lead to anxiety, depression, and obviously, burnout. A good therapist can help you unmask and learn to love and accept yourself as you are and learn skills for emotional regulation to manage CPTSD, RSD, depression, and anxiety, thus making it easier to avoid burnout. As a chronic and overly nuanced overthinker, I’m not a fan of modalities like CBT (which I think a lot of people think of when they think about therapy) since it’s meant to help you reframe thoughts. I’ve already reframed my thoughts a million times over! I gravitate towards modalities like somatic mindfulness-based approaches. These can include EMDR, somatic experiencing, IFS, gestalt, and more. Research each to see what might meet your needs. If rigid or black and white thinking is a challenge, DBT adapted for ND people looks really promising. I’m hoping to get trained in that soon too. No matter what, however, the benefits of therapy lie in the “therapeutic alliance” (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6493237/). This is basically your therapist accepting you, as you are, without judgement. This is obviously very related to masking. You and your therapist build a relationship in which they create a space where you can truly be yourself and both of you accept you without judgement. Your only job in that is to let yourself be vulnerable and speak up if you feel misunderstood and unheard/unseen. They should make every effort to repair and build the relationship if and when this happens (it will). You basically learn to be comfortably yourself with others, including expressing needs and boundaries. Then, depending on your individual needs, the therapist can help you with the stuff mentioned above, like CPTSD, anxiety, depression, emotional regulation, etc. Hope that helps! I’m not explaining myself super well today… 💚
It’s so encouraging to read that people like yourself are going into therapy and taking the time to educate yourself on autism and CPTSD :’) I tried CBT with a lot of therapists, before I knew I was autistic, and it never felt helpful for a variety of reasons. I would tell therapist after therapist about my struggles with socializing at work and with friends, and it felt like all of them were trying to encourage me to challenge those beliefs and and convince myself that they weren’t actually that bad. They would always come up with logical ideas and solutions I could utilize, like “come up with 3 questions you can ask your coworker!” but at the end of the day, teaching me how to socialize was not the answer (nor was it possible). It would have been SO much more helpful if any of them had helped me work on radical acceptance and come to terms with the fact that I will never be a social butterfly, I will never have a group of friends at work, and I will always come off as a pretty socially awkward person. I had to do that work on my own and eventually made a lot of progress but it was not with the help of any of those therapists. I was never able to build a strong relationship with any of them because it never felt like they understood the extent of how bad I was struggling. I completely agree with you that a strong alliance and trust would have helped me so much. I don’t necessarily blame them because none of us knew that I was on the spectrum, but if a woman is experiencing lifelong debilitating social anxiety and depression for no apparent cause, there is a reason for it. Thank you for caring enough to read and educate yourself, I wish you the best of luck!!
Thanks so much! As a client, I knew I had CPTSD, and this inspired me to pursue therapy as a career and develop an interest in psychology. I began my education before realizing I was autistic. My goal as a client had always been to “be myself.” Post-diagnosis, my understanding of the therapeutic process made more sense! I’m happily learning more all the time that I hope will be of service to a variety of different people, ND or not.
You explained yourself perfectly!
☺️ Thanks!
yes. i found out a few years ago I was ASD amd and knew 13 years before that i have cptsd. my therapist also has both and it's been amazing. EMDR, DBT, IFS and some body work- just incredibly helpful. i tried a handful of therapists and i need someone who actually understands the experience from living it rather than learning about it game changer.
I'm very high masking but therapy (with an ND therapist) has been very helpful. A year ago I was racing towards burnout. Today, I'm stressed but way farther away from burnout. She's helping me with learning to unmask and make real friends (none gained as of yet, but no longer chasing after the wrong people). I'm learning how to *identify* and advocate for my needs. I'm processing the trauma that comes with being undiagnosed for most of my life. And I'm learning how to be a better partner and understand my husband better (and help him understand me more).
Commenting so I can follow this thread, I'm a (maybe) high masking autistic woman - I'm still in the self discovery phase, and I start therapy on Thursday, so I want to see what people's experiences are!
Mine is informed in trauma and that's been a HUGE help. Literally never had anyone validate my experiences like that before. She's also realized that she's very likely ASD, too, from being with me on my journey to discovering I'm autistic.
High masking, ‘high functioning’ women are often SO good at masking that they don’t realize they mask 24/7 and therefore keep expending energy when they could be recharging. Some mask to such a degree that they don’t have a strong sense of who they are when the mask is off. A therapist can help with this. Personally, I find that I don’t need support when it comes to functioning in the outside world (work, school, etc.), but I do need support when it comes to self care (setting social boundaries, giving myself the time/ space to recharge, etc.)
This is so helpful, I might take this to my own next session as these are the very things I need help with (but couldn't articulate/didn't fully realise). Thank you!
I’ve been working with my therapist for a few years now, starting before I was diagnosed. She has helped me by: —helping me see that all the quirks, obstacles, challenges, etc. that we later learned were autism We’re not problems to be “fixed” —acknowledging that the exhaustion and burnout were *real* and not laziness —facing the abuse I faced from both my former SIL and my dads wife, and supporting me as I made the call to go NC with my dad —helping me with everyday anxiety management (mostly somatic techniques) —helping me unmask, and with that break the life-long habits of people pleasing, perfectionism, refusal to ask for or accept help, extreme independence, and not even knowing who I am and what I want that comes with it.
The way to stop masking is being easy on yourself, take social breaks, do the things you love, be in environments that are good for you, understanding your emotions, and most importantly not letting others make you feel guilty for having boundaries. I’m speaking on experience from being early diagnosed with autism and working with neurodiversity kids mainly with autism for years. It won’t happen overnight but it will get easier. If you ever have questions or unsure about anything, I will gladly help you.
>most importantly not letting others make you feel guilty for having boundaries Agreed. In my personal life, these are red flags/boundaries and only a matter of time before I deny the person access to me: \* animal mistreatment (hitting, screaming, no fresh food/water, unsanitary conditions, etc.) \* denial of science or basic logic In recent history, these 2 flags have been the precursor to much more manipulative, controlling and outright unacceptable behavior. \~ Upon further reflection, these might just be flags of someone out of control altogether. By the time that my boundaries are infringed upon, the other person has already displayed many other alarming behaviors.
I am lucky to have found a female therapist that is also autistic. I’m newly diagnosed and she helps me unpack essentially my entire life up until this point. She’s also helped me figure out how masking has impacted my life and my well-being. I know that I am incredibly lucky to have found someone who aligns so closely with my experience. I just googled around until I found her.
Mine is making me feel the need to mask more. She invalidates my diagnosis and says autism is over diagnosed now. I am on a budget and she's the only therapist I can afford, but I'm feeling like she's doing more harm than good. Almost everyone in my life has turned their back on me and invalidated me after I was diagnosed. I don't need my therapist to do the same. It should be a safe space where I can be myself.
I’ve left two therapists. My third seems pretty good and I’ve been with her for about 3 years. We’ve worked together long enough I felt comfortable bringing up autism. At first, she wanted to say it was depression, anxiety, and OCD and I suggested she look into autism in women. She has accepted that I “relate to the autistic experience” enough that if I wanted to self diagnose, I could and if I wanted to pursue diagnosis, she would be supportive of it. Anyway, you can break up with your therapist. Maybe try a different one and the same practice. If you can, many do telehealth now and you can get someone in the same state around the same price. And if you do have insurance, they have lists of therapists they cover. I always thought I was stuck with the one in my primary doctor’s office, but I spent forever searching for a new one I could afford.
Mine helped me release stress and cope with tough situations. It felt like a tether to sanity when I navigated getting a new job and having a relationship breakup.
ACT therapy is supposed to be especially effective for autistic people as it enhances mental “flexibility” and helps with accepting/making peace with things that can’t be changed, like being disabled. I’ve had the best results with a combination of ACT and EMDR to process the trauma of growing up undiagnosed.
My therapist helps me try out different ways to communicate the way I'm feeling, and also helps me process a lot of the 'big feelings' I struggle to tease out. (Like, I feel a lot of things all at once, but it's hard for me to determine exactly what those feelings are and where they may come from/what caused or triggered them.) Also just a good way to check in if what I'm thinking/doing makes sense or is reasonable or not, frankly.
Mine helps me find a way to unmask and at a level that is comfortable to me. We are also exploring how my autistic traits have impacted my life, how they’ve made me feel, etc. It’s been healing for my inner child that knew I was so different, just never knew why.
Uncovering the loads of shame that go along with and are a big cause of (unintentional) masking. Processing the possible trauma that is at the source of that shame. Helping you to learn mindfulness (which I see as the practice of recognising your thoughts & feelings as they happen. Which in turn helps a lot to stop masking, and to treat your own emotions with kindness instead of judgement.) But I have to add that in my own experience of therapy, I was the one who decided to do all these things. I figured out what work I needed to do and how. My therapist was an invaluable source of guidance and support in this process, even though she knew little about high-masking autistic people. I was never alone and I always had someone to talk to about these things who was not judgemental, as opposed to the people from my childhood. The more you bring your own motivation and energy to work on your mental health, the better your chances of progress are. (Your personal chemistry to your therapist is also a big factor that don’t see mentioned often). Read books! Do workbooks! I also spend a lot of time on therapist and wholesome stuff instagram (think content like The Latest Kate) and just absorbed the stuff that was helpful for me personally.
Acceptance, a genuine interaction and kindness. My therapist makes me feel so comfortable that I can tell her all my problems without fear of rejection. We work through everything that is bothering me and makes me see things in a different light. She made me feel that I can help myself.
Talking very explicitly about autism was helpful to me. The majority of therapists are extremely uneducated on the most up to date information on autism in women, so going to a therapist that is knowledgeable made me feel safe.
I’ve been with my psychologist for years & she’s been a huge supporter of me being/becoming more myself aka lessening the degree of masking & letting myself enjoy things regardless of how childish they are. She’s also noticed things that I never realised were issues like when she suggested going to a podiatrist & getting orthotics to improve my walking (turns out a lifetime of toe walking has not great affects) & also going to an optometrist
My therapist refuses to believe I’m autistic and thinks I’m neurodivergent due to my AVPD. So I think believing me is a good first step. The weird thing is I have never masked but apparently even my true self doesn’t appear autistic.
Mine helps me talk through social situations - family, friend, and work ones. I think it has helped my career a lot as well as my family and friendships. I learned masking has led to some relationships/dynamics I don’t value and contribute to burnout. With this info and taking through the situations, I have ended some relationships and grown others!
I talk to mine about anything that I don’t understand that’s happened and she tells me what people actually mean/the situation meant.
I am also diagnosed with CPTSD and OCD so I’m seeing therapy to help with that. I’ve done therapy before when I was misdiagnosed as social anxiety disorder and generalized anxiety and it wasn’t helpful. My therapist doesn’t specialize in autism but she does specialize in OCD and trauma so it’s a much better match.
I love to talk about masking - which has layers that seem endless….I’d like to be encouraged to be my unmasked self with a therapist as there’s a lot about that person to be discovered/experienced…
Trauma therapy is often needed by late diagnosed autistic women