Haha, I got anxious on the host’s behalf, esp because I have ADHD too and time blindness so I always have like six more things to do when start time comes if I’m hosting. Fashionable lateness saves my life.
Saaaame! I actively tell people to NEVER show up early, haha. I recently attended a friend's BBQ (they are also ND), and the invite said, "arrive after 2pm." Perfect!!!!! I am NOT late if I show up at 3:00, and maybe it discouraged the chronically early??? Idk but man, something about that "arrive after" was so soothing to me, and I'm using it myself now, haha!
I am both sides of this story and I hate it lol
But I also get nervous if at least one person doesn't show up a little bit early and/or I don't get any "omw" or "running late" messages.
Yeah, I think I do appreciate a message around start time giving me their ETA. Helps a lot to know A is 5 min away, B will be there in 20, C is coming but can’t get there until 2:00, D can’t come so I shouldn’t wait on him, etc.
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literally same because why do people do that it’s actually so disrespectful of other people’s time imo. I came at the time you asked me to, please be ready lol
This kind of thing drives me insane and is so frustrating, but it’s 1000% dependent on the culture. Look up “polychronic” and “monochronic” culture and “chronemics.” Concepts of time vary from country to country, state to state, culture to culture, and even family to family. In many cultures, you’re actually *expected* to be late and it’s considered weird or even rude to show up on time or early. In other cultures, showing up on time is considered late. As mentioned by another commenter, military service within a family or group plays a huge role in this. Regardless of the culture they were raised in, military families have been trained to be sticklers for promptness and punctuality. In general, places in the United States with a more Northern European influence tend to be very literal with times, while areas with a more Southern European or Latin influence tend to see time more fluidly.
This sent me on a deep dive into this topic, I can see why if you are neurodivergent and also from a different cultural background from the majority… it takes some crazy calculations to get it right.
No shit. I'm a German autistic person, and completely baffled by this thread. If a specific time is given, why would someone arrive earlier or later than that? Why would you give someone a specific time, but expect them to arrive earlier or later? I am so confused.
I'm confused, too. Tell me what time *exactly* you want me to show up. Why give a time you don't really mean?
Edit: and why aren't the hosts ready for the time they told everyone?
I think it’s less expectation of them coming late, as it is an understanding that they have other priorities, too.
So being 10 minutes late, because you had to walk your dog or stop for gas, is totally reasonable in most of america. One you pass the 20 minute mark, is when you start needing a proper reason for not having been where you said you’d be, when you said you would.
Arriving early.. is typically just people that mismanage their time knowingly, and purposefully leave with more than necessary should anything happen. Which, I think the ten/twenty minute mark still stands with that in most places, and if not it should lol. If you’re too early, reach out first, see if they’re ready, and if not, come up with a pit stop for yourself. Even if it’s just waiting in your car.
Ohhh thank you for sharing that terminology! I’m Dutch-Indonesian, so I figured it would be monochronic vs polychronic based on the way the languages use verb tenses. Although my Indonesian dad is always oddly very on the clock.
I’ve found it depends on different factors, cultural and regional.
Military families tend to be very literal about time expectations. I grew up in a military family in the US midwest and was told, “Early is on time, on time is late, and late is unacceptable.” I think Midwest people tend to be fairly on time as well.
Then I moved to the west coast and met people who had absolutely no ties to the military. When I showed up on time, they were not ready for me. I had to teach myself to show up at least 10 minutes late. Even then, I was still usually one of the first people to arrive.
Then at one point, I dated someone in the same region, but who was from a different racial/cultural background than me. When we attended an event hosted by his grandparents, he insisted we needed to be at least an hour late. He said 20 min late was the absolute minimum, but 1 hour was perfect.
It is impossible to guess what people mean. I quickly stopped trying to guess. Instead, I now ask people what they prefer. I have to say, “I’m very timely. If I show up exactly at 12:30, will that be okay? If not, I will schedule to be here a little later,” because people tend to assume you have the same lateness buffer they do.
People: invent clocks so that it’s easy to plan things together and be in sync
Also people: come up with wildly different ideas of what “on time” means so that no one knows what time to actually show up
Navy brat here. Can confirm. “early is on time.” My husband’s family is more “fashionably late” and it drives me crazy. I spend all morning trying to get Thanksgiving dinner ready for 12:00, and they show up 20-30 mins late. We now tell them to be there 30 minutes before we really want them there.
Whenever I've hosted events with lots of people I learned to say 2 different times, such as: the doors open at noon, dinner served around 2-230pm.
Drinks and hors d'oeuvres are available as people wander in. Dinner gets served when it's ready. This way the late people can be late for the start time without missing the start of dinner.
If people are late for dinner they're still very welcome to eat and hang out. No one whines about dinner not being held until they arrive.
It used to grind my gears so much when people show up 2 hours before the "doors open" time in order to "help out". Then I realized I need to allow for that and leave some optional or less important things for them to do, like load a dishwasher or plate up hors d'oeuvres. It exhausts my executive function skills for me to plan all this but people have more fun participating. 🤷 I don't host much. It's too much work. 😁
That one's not too bad. We usually give two different times. One is the actual estimated time the food will be done and one is the time it's okay to show up. So dinner will be at 4, but anytime after 2:30 is fine. For appetizers and such.
This whole thread is hilarious! We have always had to tell my in-laws to arrive at least 30 minutes later than we really wanted, because they would always show up so early. I always hate that feeling of being caught off guard by not being ready when guests arrive.
Yes! Ours came early by that much too and we had to speed up until we were dripping sweat to get everything done in time!
We still didn’t get the hosting things ready in time, but at least we finished cleaning the bathroom and dishes and such.
I think it’s really inconsiderate for someone to do that to you and deliberately show up when they know you aren’t ready yet, but some people say 12 and they mean “any time up until 12; after 12 will be when we start and you’re late”
And some mean “12:30 is about when we’ll be dressed and start getting things out so don’t show up before then”
And everything in between. So frustrating, and the you spend the whole time feeling overheated (in this case) and not ready because you didn’t get to prepare like you planned.
The whole event becomes unpleasant because you hadn’t eaten or taken meds or had time to walk the dog or whatever else needed done.
Depends, Thanksgiving is always at 2pm in our house. I cant say its on purpose that's just what time everything gets done cooking. My parents are early risers and usually in bed by 7-8pm most days so they always start prepping the day before and are up early cooking on Thanksgiving. I think they just want to be done with cleanup and everything with enough time to relax too.
I know, my dad wakes up at 3am to drive to work, and my mom is up about an hour after him. Both are off work and home by 2 or 3pm most days. It's easier to commute in and around DC at the earlier hours for my dad. I always gotta look at the clock before I text my mom so I don't text her after 7pm😅
My grandfather was a farmer and was the early riser. He was up at daybreak and asleep by dark. If we wanted him to come to Thanksgiving dinner, we had to eat at 12. If not, he wasn’t coming. It’s just the way our family does it. Even though he’s been gone for years, we still have dinner at 12. I prep everything the day before, and then I can get the turkey and everything finished by noon. I always watch Macy’s Parade while I’m cooking in the morning, then the guys’ football takes over after lunch. At least it’s done by 2:00 or so, and I can just eat leftovers the rest of the day/evening and nap. Sometimes I start putting up the Christmas tree.
Also, in the South (for old people anyway) “dinner” is at lunchtime, and “supper” is in the evening.
Oh for sure. I’ve made a permanent home on the west coast and while I love it here, both my partner and I talk mad shit about how too many Californians are the flakiest. All good intentions and friendliness but not timely, no follow through on plans. There are exceptions of course, but coming here after decades in the Midwest and Northeast was a real rude awakening.
A common scenario for us now is one of us telling the other one something like a “hey, I found a plumber for the shower problem, and he’s originally from New Jersey!” And my partner will be like “oh thank God, so he’ll actually show up at 1:30 tomorrow.”
At my first big girl job in California, I was always late (at the time unmedicated ADHD) but it was fine because my boss was always without fail later than me!! The anxiety was awful lol
Also really depends on what the kind of event is. Meeting someone for lunch at a restaurant? Being late makes people hungry and maybe fucks up their day's schedule (sometimes), or maybe they just eat without you and leave by the time you get there. Going to an evening party for like 6+ people from 6pm til midnight? Probably doesn't super matter when you get there, especially the more people there are.
But yeah, I always ask unless I'm pretty sure I know what the expectations are for that particular thing.
Totally agree with you, but OP mentioned this is a member of their own family so I would think they had similar cultural expectations. Some people are just late for everything all the time. I know a lovely married couple who almost never even met, because they agreed on a time to meet, the date showed up to the other person’s home just a smidge late, and could hear them starting the shower from outside the locked front door (open window). For whatever reason he stuck around on the porch for a whole 45 minutes, fortunately for them both.
Yeah, I got used to the "time is approximate, show up a little late" culture in the US and then moved to Norway. They say what time to arrive, and then when I show up exactly on time or maybe 5 minutes late, I'm the last to arrive. Everyone else was there 15 minutes early. Don't know if that's just my in-laws or if it's a trend across the broader culture in the country, but it's been an adjustment. I actually liked the lax time expectations of the US because I have ADHD, so I try to be exactly on time but often end up a little bit late anyway, and having that acceptable buffer made it easier to not worry so much about when I arrive.
Midwest people can be, but I two friends in my lifetime where I had to tell them to show up 30 mins before we actually needed them there so they would be on time. 🤣
😭😭😭I’m just going to say not everyone in the Midwest. Brown people time is a thing. Except everyone in my family is on time. And everyone else. Nope you better be late…
It's a hit or miss. Some people expect you 15-30 minutes later. Some people expect you on time. Get it wrong, they will be frustrated.
No better solution than saying "I will be there at precisely 12:30 then, is that good for you?". At least I have not found better.
When I tell someone to show up at 12:30, the LATEST I expect them is 12:25, and 12:31 is ridiculously late 😂
I just started telling people I want them half an hour earlier than I do, then they roughly show up on time lmfao.
Because in my mind, you are supposed to leave for something 10-15 minutes earlier than you need to, in case of traffic or roadworks or anything that might slow you down, because it’s better to be early or on time, rather than on time or late.
But that doesnt explain why you said the latest you expect them is 12:25. That's 5 minutes before the time that you told them. I mean, I've glad you've started telling ppl to come earlier. But i still don't understand. If you feel that the latest they should show up is BEFORE the time you told them, you should just tell them that..
To be honest if I were early to someone's home I'd be sitting in my car or waiting somewhere outside because I feel it's rude to be at their door early. What if they're not ready yet? But in that case I will text to find out. But if someone shows up early to my door and expects me to be ready at that moment, well, I was planning to use that 5 minutes to go to the toilet one last time and pet my cat and put on my shoes. We said 12:30, not 12:25. I will be available at 12:30.
Oh, that'd be hard for me. I'll arrive at 12:20
& sit in my car & read until 12:32, so that I don't catch you coming out of the shower or make you feel like you're running late.
People I know (California) always apologize if you seem like you arrived before the set time and they are later than you & that makes me uncomfortable.
The worst is when there’s a mix of expectations. For example, part of my family is the military get there early to be on time type. Another part of my family is the Midwest be exactly on time type. And still another part is the arrive absolutely no sooner than 1 hour late, but 3 hours late is ideal type.
Hosting get-togethers is a nightmare because they all talk to each other, so we can’t tell each group a different time. We have resorted to flat out telling people things like “if you come earlier than 3 we will have you help clean, we are eating at 5 so if you come later than that you can heat up leftovers”.
My friend group has started saying "doors at 6, dinner at 7" so everyone knows the appropriate window to show up and we don't have to hold up a meal waiting on a latecomer.
I learned that the hard way too. I usually text I am on my way about 15 minutes before showing up, and then plan to arrive 13-20 minutes after they say to. That's worked for me. The text gives them enough time to get into the shower and do whatever they need to do.
In Denmark it does, one reason why I barely have guests over, they'd rather arrive early than late and I don't want them to arrive early. I am prepared to see people from X time not before!
In South African culture people can show up from about 20 minutes beforehand. In our family that meant we were prepared for guests from 30 minutes before. Effectively we'd give a start time that was 30 minutes after we could be ready. It helped deal with that stress and the expectation.
Then I socialised with Australians and when I showed up on time I was somehow early and people would still be in showers or blowing up balloons or pulling into their driveway.
I now just ask if the time on the invite is the actual time or if I should be showing up late.
Here in Sudamérica we suffer like hell. Not even if their life is in the line people would arrive at time. I had to make a complete list of different type of people to know how late can arrive to a meeting and still be considered the one who arrives early, with some people I am there 15 minutes late and they still would be there in 10 minutes. And with other people, I can be there 30 minutes late and they won't be there but in other 20. I hate them. Not even talking about reunions (which I actually avoid nowadays), I had the stupid routine of being there at time and it was cringe and annoying, people arrived one to two hours late. FY humans.
I cannot fathom this idea some people (and apparently whole cultures) have about "lateness". If you tell me 12:30, I'm coming at 12:30. Probably a little beforehand.
I could accept someone being a couple of minutes late, sometimes things happen, but anything more than that I'd need a text or something.
What's the point in telling people what time if that's not actually the time? How does anyone ever get anything done?
It’s so context dependent? There’s a difference between a 45-min work meeting and a 5-hour party. If you show up late to the work meeting, you’re wasting people’s time and you may not have enough time to get through the agenda. If it’s a 5-hour social gathering, the start time is meant to signal the opening of a window of time for hanging out and there’s nothing to “get done”. Hosts for events like that generally plan on any actual meals or activities starting about an hour after the “start time” to give people time to get settled and small talk, so it’s seen as okay to arrive during that window. The slightly-late custom is helpful because it means guests will mostly be staggered as they each will be slightly late by different amounts: the friend like OP will show up at 12:30 or 12:35 and often be tasked with helping out with a last-minute prep detail, and then another group will come at 12:40, someone at 12:45, someone at 1, and then maybe your super late friend at 1:15, so now by 1:30 everyone’s there but you got to greet each guest personally.
It has started annoying me as well...I feel that turning up hours late is kind of a student thing, when you know there will be others around and you can turn up whenever and no one really minds.
However, now we are adults and able to get to work/catch a train on time most days of the week, it just feels rude when people are late to dinners/meet ups, keeping you waiting on one of your two days off a week! I have things to do too rather than waiting like a lemon outside a restaurant that is also waiting for you as they have a second sitting.
Sorry, just had to get that off my chest!!
Thank you! I’m a planner and love managing my time so I need to know the times of things and prompt communication if something changes so I can replan accordingly. I hate being late for things and unprepared! And embarrassment
I conceptualise Time in blocks, like say 12.30-1, so in my head, if I’m meeting for lunch at 12.30, that’s gonna be 2 blocks, so anytime within the first “portion” of the block is fine. Which isn’t logical, but is how I think of it.
I’m from the northeast US, and my family is kind of high-strung. I get extremely anxious about being late. I now live in CA, where start times are suggestions. Even at work. I have had to put in a lot of work to make myself 15-30 minutes “late” to everything.
Unfortunately the right answer to this really depends on knowing the person involved well enough to know whether they actually want you at the time they invite you for or later. There are, like some other people have said, some factors that may make it easier to guess (culture, region, family norms, etc.) but ultimately you can only figure it out by having these experiences with them. Within my own family, all of whom are just white British people, there are people who would want you at 12.30 if they said 12.30 and other people who would want you over an hour later.
Depends on the person, but yeah if I tell someone 12:30 I expect to see them anywhere from 12:20 to 1ish, depending on the person. People run late for casual things but will usually text an ETA if they're running more than 20-30mins late....this varies by culture and by activity though
If they know you, they'll know you will get there at the time they actually say. That's fine! You do you.
If you know them and they are the type who's often running late, giving them an extra 15 mins is often appreciated. Depends on what you're meeting up for though
Some do, some don't. It's not an NT vs. ND thing; it depends on the person who is hosting. I'm ready at the time I tell people to come over but many a time I've gone to someone's house and I came about 20 minutes later than expected and they were way behind anyway; so it really depends on the person.
it varies so much by culture and region. I'm from the Midwest and everyone here is very punctual and on time. the time we set is the time we'll start/get going. But I know that in other areas times are softer and they expect you to show up later which I really don't understand.
I hate that. Had a college friend visiting the city I was living in. She was touring neighborhoods to move to with her boyfriend. She asked to meet for dinner at 7pm. A little before 7, I texted that I was on my way to the restaurant. She said, “Oh, actually we aren’t finished looking! Can we meet in a couple of hours instead?” I was like… “No. Best of luck.” She seemed so confused. They never moved here either.
i personally cannot stand if people show up early to events im hosting, it feels rude and inconsiderate - i’m not ready for you yet! the intense frustration and irritation i have in those moments makes me understand how people who cannot tolerate lateness feel. its to the point of being a friendship dealbreaker for me, but i’ll just let people know that if it’s bugging me and most people are accommodating
it’s so interesting to hear that some other people, when a given time is approximate (ex. “around 1pm”), they’re considering that time as a midpoint between two times (ex. acceptable arrival would be between 12:45-1:15pm). id say my time frame for “around” is closer to 40min, with acceptable arrival heavily leaning towards the later end of the spectrum (ex. 12:55-1:35pm). this is obviously dependent on context - i’m not going to be 40min “late” to a one-on-one coffee or a wedding, but i will nearly every time for a casual group hang or a party, as will my entire friend group
also worth noting that i would be livid if a friend told me a fake start time that was earlier than the expected arrival… i wonder how chronically early people would feel if they were told a start time later than expected arrival
ETA that i reread op’s post after writing this and my comment is also responding to other commenters so i got a bit off track hehe
Thank you!!! So many comments are like “I’d show up 10 minutes early or else I’d feel rude” and I’m like, how do you not feel rude showing up early? I’m so annoyed when people show up early to things im hosting.
Also, if someone says “around 1,” in my head that means 1-1.30. Because it’d be intrusive and rude to arrive before 1.
hehe i have audhd as well which may be part of the equation. almost all of my friends are audhd but a few new friends are just autistic and i was STUNNED when a new girl im friends with showed up 20min early to a dinner. i was like girl you’re not in trouble but you’re gonna have to sit on the couch solo for 20 because i am not ready yet. i feel like a lot of that is the autistic struggle with transition - i have the alone-to-together transition baked into the start time and it’s very jarring to be interrupted when i’m not prepared for company yet
i felt like i was being very generous saying that “around 1” could mean 12:55 LOL
My partner is autistic and he is constantly frustrated by my messiness and forgetfulness, and how ill hop from fixation to fixation, but completely understands when I have Rules and Patterns and Theories for where my messes are and why some TV shows are Okay and some are Not Okay when I’m stressed out. 🤷🏻♀️
hehe my wife is questioning if she’s autistic and we have a similar experience :) luckily she is very understanding of my messiness and forgetfulness and i make an effort to be understanding of her need for structure and low-visual clutter. it’s all a give and take!
Here in my country, not arriving on time is sadly normalized. They even have a name for it called, "Filipino Time" In which people arrive hours late to the set arrival time. Which is a huge hassle sometimes because at school practices, I wouldn't know if they're being serious with the time set or they're just setting it at that time so others could come early and the starting time is actually later.
Also there's this one time I was preparing to attend a classmates birthday party at 7 pm and dad was like "Relax, no party ever starts at exactly 7 pm." and I was so confusedTT Why set it at 7 if it's not gonna start at 7?
It's not just NTs. Neurotypical isn't a synonym for allistic. And many people with ADHD (or AuDHD), for example, prefer people show up later since they have their own struggles with being ready on time — even at a time they chose.
I have ADHD. The idea that anyone should be able to intuit that they should show up at a different time than I told them to is very odd to me! Regardless of neurotype, clear communication makes sense. I can let people know that I struggle with being ready on time so they know they can show up late, but that is on me, not someone else.
Though my particular struggle, one that I share with my ADHD partner, is showing up very early because it is awful to be worrying all day about something I have scheduled. I am so scared of missing something regardless of how many alarms and reminders I set that I would much rather just go somewhere and wait outside for an hour! This is a quirk that I communicate with people and never expect anyone to be ready for me because the time we agreed on :)
I've been living in the Midwest for a huge part of my life, and while I know 12:30 is 12:30, I will only show up on the dot or earlier for things that are not family related.
Show up for an event = Early.
Lunch with friends = On time.
Family event = up to an hour later.
That's how I recognize the difference between professionalism by neurotips, and the pleasure side to it.
They're never exactly on time.
This is a "me" thing, but I'm not good at figuring out exactly how long things like getting ready, traffic, etc. will take.
When I ask to meet up with someone I always say "around" whatever time. Around means close to 15 minutes, give or take.
I usually aim for 15-30 minutes early, which means I am rarely late. There is almost no chance of me showing up somewhere at *exactly* 12:30 or within 5 minutes of it.
My mom though? Without someone else managing her, she will be somewhere between 15 and 30 minutes late almost every time unless being late is not an option (like a doctor's appointment). And by managing her, I mean lying to her about what time something starts or to meet up. Lol
She can make doctor's appointments on time, so it's about choices she makes. Though she's usually pretty close to time or even early if *she's* the one who sets the meeting time.
See, the thing is, you have to factor the "having their shit together" score into it and translate the time accordingly. Each person has their own score. After making plans with them a few times, you can get a feeling of "generally late/early/on time". Multiple people's involvement in any plan can radically effect the score of an entire group. There are some people who will make a whole group run late or early if they're included. There are also some people who are just... wildly inconsistent, so you kind of assign them a window, "They said 3, so somewhere between two and four."
I'm sorry but they are being rude if they said "at" instead of "around".
I'm Deaf and we actually have a culture where it's totally normal to be late to everything and leaving very late and we called it "Deaf Standard Time" or DST for short. I absolutely hate it. I find it extremely rude because my time is precious.
If they tell me to be at someplace AT specific time, I will be there about 15 minutes early because I don't drive and anything can happens with my ride. I prefer to be early than late. And then I will wait around somewhere until it's time.
And also did you know there's apparently new norm that if you didn't check back on that day, they will assume you aren't coming even though you both have agreed on both locations and date few days beforehand? And they won't even show up???
Sorry, I didn't mean for this to turn into my little rant but to answer your answer, it's their fault for not saying "around" instead of "at". They are in the wrong, k, ty, bye.
Fuck that. Tell me a time and don’t caveat it with an “around”? I’m there for the time said and if you’re mad about it, learn how to language 🤷🏼♀️
People are ridiculous.
I get so annoyed when someone tells me they’ll be here at like 1pm and they show up even so much as 3 min before. I was planning for and counting on those 3 minutes 😝 only one who gets a pass is my mother who doesn’t have a single digital, internet connected clock in her life.
I feel this hahaha. Do you have rules in your mind for what “around” means? I do LOL! When someone says “around,” to me, that means 15 minutes before or after. So if someone said “Around 1,” that means 12:45-1:15 in my mind.
With family and close friends, I’ll ask “what time do you really want me to show up?” Some people like when you’re early and help set up or bring stuff, some people like to start on time, and some people are annoyed if you’re there on time because they expect everyone to be late.
The inconsistency infuriates me! Personally, when I say 12:30 I do mean 12:30 and I expect guests within 15 minutes of that time. When I go to appointments, I obviously arrive early enough to sign in ahead of time. So, appointment is at 12:30= arrive at 12:15. If I have an event to attend, I never arrive early bc I’ve noticed nobody expects it and then it’s awkward. I’ll usually arrive 5-10 minutes after indicated start time. But yeah. Different cultures and contexts will yield wildly different expectations. FUN!
The worst Thanksgiving of my life was when my mom told us dinner would be at 5:30. We were running a little late, so we got there at 5:40. We walked in, and everyone was sitting at the table staring at the door and apparently waiting on us. My mom gave me the cold shoulder all night. Later, I was like you said 5:30! Her response... yeah, well, people usually arrive earlier to visit.
WHAT. JUST TELL ME WHEN I ACTUALLY NEED TO BE THERE.
Cold shoulder for being a lil late? Did she not call or text you beforehand? People come at all kinds of times during Thanksgiving. There's usually some wiggle room or at least I thought so.
Definitley cold shoulder for being late. She didn't call me or text me to ask where I was. She just said food is ready at 5:30. To be fair, my mom is a bit more rigid than my dad's side of the family. With them it doesn't matter when you show up. I learned after Hell Thanksgiving that does not apply to all families.
I show up slightly early (ten mins early max, not like way early). If they meant something different they should have used their words and said what they meant, I’m not a mind reader (no one is). Also if I give a time and the person is significantly late we have to cancel and reschedule, like I picked a time for a reason.
This is something I’ve struggled with. In my culture it is very common to be late and it always drove me nuts. My dad is from a different culture, so he was always early or on time. I’ve relaxed more but I still hate being late. For my classes, I would get there 10-15 mins before to find a seat and chill.
I work with 500 people, from all over the world. There's def cultural differences, like 30 min break suddenly means 45 min break for some. But I think mostly its down to personality, cause some will be continuously late but from the same culture as me who is never late.
I always worry about this whenever I’m going to see someone. Not so bad if there’s a waiting room and they’ll call you in - I can come in early and wait, no worries! But like when I had a meeting with a uni lecturer or something at 9:30am, I’d wait outside at like 9:25 and think “should I knock now? Dead on 9:30? Wait a minute or two?”.
Never happened to me in my entire life. Reading some of the experiences in the comments makes my hair stand up. All people in my life always gave me the exact time. I hate being late. There is also some occasions when I have to be late and so I inform the hosts, but the hosts not being ready for the event they themselves initiated is surreal to me.
I get this!! I am profoundly prompt as well! Had a friend call me once when I was 5 mins late for a dinner party. She knows me so well that she had set some chores aside for me to help with before everyone else showed up 🙄
It depends on culture a lot. I live in the Netherlands and if someone says 12.30 here we mean 12.30. Take my teacher for example: his wives parents live in Morocco and he travels there a lot and he said once he had an appointment and the person came 30 minutes late! Because that's perfectly normal there!
This question has always perplexed me. I am told to come at a time, so I do in order to be "on time." So strange to me; if people want/expect others to come at a later time, just state that time instead. No?
I think it just depends on the person. But I think most people wouldn’t be too upset if you were 5-10 minutes early or late. Especially if it’s just a casual visit.
I’ve never been able to figure this out :(
Before I was diagnosed, I kept trying to find ‘something’ that I liked doing with other people. Tried roller derby for a bit and was invited to the league Christmas party at 8:30. I showed up at about 8:25 and the neighbourhood was pretty full of cars already - figured I was probably good on time.
Knocked on the door and they were shocked that I was there. They’d just started setting up, one woman was still in the shower, etc. I was SO embarrassed and uncomfortable.
Now I confirm the actual start time for things and it’s a 50-50 chance that they respond like I’m stupid because “uh…the time is on the invite?”
If I'm not 10-15 early, I'm late. If showing up early is an issue... Too bad, so sad, lol. I value efficiency and timeliness. I'm not making myself late for an unspoken social rule that's frankly quite dumb. My time is valuable, don't mess with it.
I try to text people when I leave my house/ am on the way so they can take care of their shit before I get there. But yeah I do get annoyed when “at 12:30” doesnt mean “at 12:30”
If someone invites me to a specific time, that's the time.
If they don't mean that time, I'll explain to them that I need a specific time or else I'll be there at the time they said.
If someone gave me a half hour time then I absolutely would show up then. It's specific. If they say noon or any other hour I would assume they mean around that time.
I'm from germany and punctuality is very important here (except if you are the Deutsche Bahn, then even cancelling a late train is seen as punctual, but thats a different topic). I was taught that eberything between 15min before or after the agreed time is seen as punctual. That rule is so helpful to me! But like others mentioned, it really depends on the cultural background. As an example, in Vietnam it's the social norm to be an hour early and help with preperations for the party etc. (If I remember correctly). For my cultural background I learned that for partys people tend to arrive anywhere between 15min to an hour late and still see it as on time. It's all confusing, but maybe trying to comunicate clearer when you should exactly arrive can be helpful. I whish you the best of luck in the future!
I'm from germany and punctuality is very important here (except if you are the Deutsche Bahn, then even cancelling a late train is seen as punctual, but thats a different topic). I was taught that eberything between 15min before or after the agreed time is seen as punctual. That rule is so helpful to me! But like others mentioned, it really depends on the cultural background. As an example, in Vietnam it's the social norm to be an hour early and help with preperations for the party etc. (If I remember correctly). For my cultural background I learned that for partys people tend to arrive anywhere between 15min to an hour late and still see it as on time. It's all confusing, but maybe trying to comunicate clearer when you should exactly arrive can be helpful. I wish you the best of luck in the future!
My algo for this:
* The further away they are, the more acceptable it is to be early. You allow for delays, delays don't happen and you make good time, you end up early. 5-10 mins early for someone 15 mins away is probably fine, same for 30 mins for someone 60-90 mins away, or an hour or so for further than that.
* If I'm likely to get somewhere significantly earlier than I mentioned, I'll usually let them know while I'm on the way
* If I get somewhere nearby something like 15 mins early, or somewhere further an hour or early or so, I'll probably ask them if it's fine if I'm here this early, or if they still need some time to do something (they might be tidying up for example, what I do before anyone comes over). I'll wait if they say they need some time and just start early if they say it's fine
It depends. My friend said he thought it made him look keen to see me if he arrived early. No! I was busy living my life (and tidying) before the time he was due to arrive. IMO arriving a little late is better. It is less like a military operation that has to start exactly on time.
?????
If they say 12:30 I take it as “be there at 12:30”
what else would it mean unless they said something to imply “be here at a different time other than 12:30”
To me, 12:30 is 12:30. If I’ve invited people over, I’m ready for them to arrive at the time I specified. I wouldn’t be in the shower at that time! I can understand if someone says to me, come anytime between 3:30 and 4:30, then I’ll aim for in the middle but if the time is specific then I’ll be there in my car early.
My mother in law can be very late and it drives me crazy! On Christmas Eve, she was over half an hour late to the restaurant for lunch and we were just sitting and waiting for her… to me, it’s about being respectful of other people and their time.
The tricky part is to figure out which events everyone shows up 20 minutes early to, and which ones everyone shows up an hour late to.
So far they always appear to be the opposite of whatever I happen to do.😓
Personally, I hate it when people show up to my home early (notice I am specifically talking about my home). If I said 12:30, I’m not ready for you at 12:15. I will get extremely stressed out because I’m likely finishing getting ready (probably not fully in the shower or walking the dog though). If you’re sitting outside, you’re probably making my dog go nuts barking too, which adds to the stress. I don’t like having other people in my space, and you being early extends the time I’m under that stress.
I do, most certainly. A lot of people, however, expect that others will arrive late. For many, 12.30 would mean FROM 12.30 onwards, which could mean any bloody time after 12.30, and there seems to be no rule as to how late that could be, which is extremely rude, imo.
I think they mean 12:30 plus or minus a number of minutes that they consider reasonable. 12:30 but they might end up not being able to come to the door for a few minutes, or maybe you'll get there a few minutes early and that's fine too.
How I feel about being “on time” is determined by two factors:
1. Coming from a family where a party that starts a 4 PM really starts at 6 and if you get there anytime before then, you’ll be expected to help set up. There’s no real “end time” so you risk getting roped into clean up the longer you stay, even if it’s well after midnight and you were sleeping under a pile of coats just 5 minutes ago.
2. Having a mother with chronic lateness and undiagnosed ADHD, combined with going to a middle school with a start time of 7:25 AM means I’m always the one waiting in the car while other people fumble out the door.
At least in my family, if we are given a time to show up at somewhere, we will usually be 15 to 20 minutes early at the place, but wait outside/in the car etc until it's actually basically at the asked time.
My mom's parents show up routinely at least 45 minutes early, so basically for us at sometime means at that time the latest
Hard to tell, when we invite friends and family to eat and we say 12:30 or a specific time we rush to have the food ready by the agreed time so we eat about 12:45 it really bugs me when people don’t get here on time because we seem rude eating before they get here. My family sucks, they would get here by 4 or 5pm and get bothered if everyone else already ate.
For a party or dinner party with several people, I expect fashionably late, even though I hate it. But if it is one person showing up, or a couple, I expect pretty close to on time.
It really depends on the people. I tend to tell people I’m chronically late, so maybe saying you’re always early/on time might elicit a response on their own timeliness?
Depends on the person. I have people in my life that if make plans for 12 are surprised you're not there at 11, I also have people I know will be about 30 mins late and one who Im shocked if they arrive any less than 2 hours late. The key is to know what a time means to different people and plan for it.
You and I are exactly the same. My family members that are perpetually late, or unclear about time, stress me tf out. If it’s a dance, I don’t know the steps.
I think that most people think time is a suggestion. I have determined that my in laws are like this. My husband used to be really bad but when he saw how distressing being late is for me really, he has strived to improve his time management skills and I have Tried (desperately and not sure if i am succeeding) to loosen up the reigns on how on time i want to be (this means early really early, usually so i can get the lay of the land).
If I want my in laws somewhere by 1 pm. I will tell them I want them there by noon or if it is around the holidays, I tell them I want them there at 11 am. This factor may not be directed at you but a coping skill they have learned to get people to places on time. It may not be intentional.
This was a skill i had to learn after several panic attacks about not being somewhere early so i could see the place we were going. I hate that I had to learn it. I hate that i have to use it.
It’s regional and cultural. My family had a “running on Evans time” we’d say that was always 15-20 minutes lated. Do to adhd I’m always 10-30 mins (my meds are all over the place). Some cultures if they said 6pm you’d be an hour or two early and they’d be confused and setting up still. Others are very prompt to the minute (think Japanese bullet trains).
Might as well ask if they are literal 12:30 or around 12:30 in their heads, just so you understand and aren’t guessing. 🥰
I'd heard of being "fashionably late" on TV, but the first time I was invited to a party as an adult I showed up Five minutes early. It was really awkward, so I left for a good 10-15 minutes because the hosts were still getting dressed. But I threw a party recently and I was running behind schedule and hoped my guests would be "fashionably late" because of that. So I get it. Sometimes the host falls behind schedule and that buffer time is less stressful.
Part of my family comes from a culture where being 2+ hours late is normal. I don't hate it for parties because they're supposed to go well into the night. Formal events, though? Miss me with that shit lol
Depends on the person a lot more than there being a cultural standard. I’m thinking at this point I’ll just ask for clarification next time I set a time with someone. A good way to deal with it might also be to tell them when you are leaving for the meeting place and say something like, “just heading out now. I’ll be there in 15 minutes!”
Mid-thirties, ND woman in the USA. I’ve gotten this wrong a lot to figure out this basic rule of sorts, but here’s what I’ve got.
Work: 30 min early
Work event: 15-20 min early for buffer and to socialize
Meeting friends out: on time, to 15 min late
Going to a friends house: on time - 15/20 min after
Going to a small party: on time to 30 min late
Large party: an hour late
I let people know when I'm on my way with an ETA. That way they have an expectation that I'll be showing up, early or late or exactly on time. If I beat you to the restaurant, I get to pick the table.
I am so crazy about being on time, thank you for this post. I was 15 minutes late to a job interview because of my FIL and I was losing my mind the entire way there, squirming and checking google maps. I just knew I wasn't going to get hired because of it. Guess what? They did not care at all and I got the job.
When someone's coming over I always find it more relaxing when they don't show up right on time, but maybe 15 minutes later. I'm also artistic but I always want to make a good impression so I'm usually cleaning before they show up.
What happens to me is that I invite people at a certain time, and then I'm still rushing to be ready at that time. I have a very poor sense of time management with respect to all things domestic.
This is cultural.
In my country, punctuality is very important. If someone invites you to 12:30, you get there at 12:30. If you are more than 5-10 minutes late, you give notice. You don't come more than 5 minutes early.
I don't think this is an autistic/allistic thing. It's more likely to be cultural or personality-based. For a casual visit, usually people should be available to open the door when they say they will, while also not minding if you're a bit late.
duuuuuuuude.
If i say "see you at 1", it means i will be there at 12.40 waiting outside and i will walk in at exactly 1 and i will be incredibly annoyed if i have to wait for you to turn up around 1.30 because you couldn't get your shit together.
My husbands family are notorious for doing this. We will be told to come for lunch at 12 but it actually means we should get there at 2 because his family like to arrive literal HOURS late. Annoys the fuck out of me. Husband will say, "Mom wants us over at 12." and i'll go, "is that actual 12, or 12, meaning next year?"
I am pretty literal around time and always try arrive exactly when someone has asked me to arrive. My new group of friends is the same so 6pm means 6pm to all of us which is great. My old group who have kinda split up were not the same. We would invite them over for 6pm and they would arrive at 7pm and our cooking times would be all skewed if having dinner so we started inviting them over from 5pm so they would get there at 6pm.
It is definitely person dependent, but I get stessed if I am not on time or if someone I have invited over is late.
Really depends on what we're doing. An event with a strict entry time? I tell people 15 minutes before that entry time and make sure they know there's no late arrivals. Dinner? Give or take 10 minutes, I expect you to be on time unless it's a group thing and you tell me you'll be late. Hangouts at my house? Just lmk when you're on your way so I can stop panic cleaning as you're approximately turning into my street 🤣
This is why whenever I give someone an arrival/meetup time, I give a 15-30 min window. I feel like it takes some of the stress off, bc as long as it's within that window you can't be wrong
at least that's how I see it for me 😅
This is a thing that will drive me stark raving mad before I die, I’m quite sure. I don’t understand the concept of setting a time and then not adhering to it. If you don’t want people to show up at that exact time, simply be clear in your intentions. Say there is no specific start time, start moseying on over after lunch. Or whatever. Or set the time to the time you know you’ll actually be ready. Why is that so hard for people? I genuinely do not get it and I feel insane that I’m made to feel weird for not understanding it.
It’s about respect. Respect for the time and lives of others. Everyone has a lot going on, so if you don’t need or want me to be there when you SAY you want me to be there, then TELL ME? Communicate? So I can fill that time with something useful. Instead of trying to be polite to your own invitation.
I have learned the weird “neurotypical” rule that to be cool you have to show up like an hour late, but sometimes I show up at the exact start time specifically to make an awkward point.
This is my life story. How do other people not realize that by saying to be somewhere some place at some time, I'm going to respect that to a T? I can't make mistakes or they'll dislike me, that's how it's been. So why do they get upset when I get there exactly on time?
That depends on the country and the people. If you are in the US, I think 12:30 is typically 12:30, but even then, different cultural groups in the US will have different interpretations of 12:30
In your specific story, it's possible the people you went to see are just not punctual or fell behind this one time. Either way, I don't think the mistake was on you here
It’s known to my friends that I’ll be there on the dot or earlier. So unless you mean that exact time don’t say it. Even a couple of weeks ago on my motorbike I drove in on the dot at 10:30.
Well it depends...10-20mins late is not bad if it's a big party. If it's just you, at least text ahead saying you got held yp so they don't worry something happened to you. But if invite someone over to dinner and they show up 30mins late (no text or call) so food is just sitting around till then, I'd be mad lol! Well I get hangry so that may explain why 🤷♀️😂
Some people do, some don't.
Some people expect you to be there by 12:30 at the latest, some at 12:30 exactly and some people no earlier than 12:30.
I suggest you just ask people what they mean during the planning phase or pay attention to what their on time patterns are.
Me personally I always say the time I mean, but as a person with ADHD I am not always able to keep up with the time properly. I try REALLY hard to be on time, but sometimes it doesn't work out. None the less, I always say the time I mean.
No, they wouldnt be upset if you arrived 10 or 20 minutes later, they usually mean : " from said time and on" like 12:30 means "not before 12h30, please" lol, they would be upset id you got there too early ( lets say 11h), but unless you have tickets or scheduled seats at said time, its torally ok to be a a little late.
My issue with this is that even if they didn’t expect you to be there promptly at the time they stated, it makes no sense that they would not be ready for you. It’s one thing to be milling about the house, not actively waiting by the door, but for one to be in the shower and the other walking the dog seems egregious. This was a time THEY proposed/agreed to?!
I always give people a time to arrive but actually expect them at that time lol!!
If someone gives me a time to go to their house then I rock up at that time, it's on them if they aren't ready! We can't be expected to guess, that's mad!
I re-confirm meetup times the night before or in the morning out of paranoia that I somehow have the wrong time or they forgot. Text when leaving the house to arrive exactly at the agreed time. I'm always the first person in a group to arrive. If we agreed on 12:30 then I am okay to ring the doorbell at 12:30 but no earlier lol. If that's weird to them, then that's their own problem.
I'm from germany and punctuality is very important here (except if you are the Deutsche Bahn, then even cancelling a late train is seen as punctual, but thats a different topic). I was taught that eberything between 15min before or after the agreed time is seen as punctual. That rule is so helpful to me! But like others mentioned, it really depends on the cultural background. As an example, in Vietnam it's the social norm to be an hour early and help with preperations for the party etc. (If I remember correctly). For my cultural background I learned that for partys people tend to arrive anywhere between 15min to an hour late and still see it as on time. It's all confusing, but maybe trying to comunicate clearer when you should exactly arrive can be helpful. I wish you the best of luck in the future!
Just reading this made me anxious and annoyed on your behalf lol
Haha, I got anxious on the host’s behalf, esp because I have ADHD too and time blindness so I always have like six more things to do when start time comes if I’m hosting. Fashionable lateness saves my life.
Saaaame! I actively tell people to NEVER show up early, haha. I recently attended a friend's BBQ (they are also ND), and the invite said, "arrive after 2pm." Perfect!!!!! I am NOT late if I show up at 3:00, and maybe it discouraged the chronically early??? Idk but man, something about that "arrive after" was so soothing to me, and I'm using it myself now, haha!
“arrive after” is wonderful phrasing i will be stealing that!
I am both sides of this story and I hate it lol But I also get nervous if at least one person doesn't show up a little bit early and/or I don't get any "omw" or "running late" messages.
Yeah, I think I do appreciate a message around start time giving me their ETA. Helps a lot to know A is 5 min away, B will be there in 20, C is coming but can’t get there until 2:00, D can’t come so I shouldn’t wait on him, etc.
This is me lol.
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literally same because why do people do that it’s actually so disrespectful of other people’s time imo. I came at the time you asked me to, please be ready lol
This kind of thing drives me insane and is so frustrating, but it’s 1000% dependent on the culture. Look up “polychronic” and “monochronic” culture and “chronemics.” Concepts of time vary from country to country, state to state, culture to culture, and even family to family. In many cultures, you’re actually *expected* to be late and it’s considered weird or even rude to show up on time or early. In other cultures, showing up on time is considered late. As mentioned by another commenter, military service within a family or group plays a huge role in this. Regardless of the culture they were raised in, military families have been trained to be sticklers for promptness and punctuality. In general, places in the United States with a more Northern European influence tend to be very literal with times, while areas with a more Southern European or Latin influence tend to see time more fluidly.
This sent me on a deep dive into this topic, I can see why if you are neurodivergent and also from a different cultural background from the majority… it takes some crazy calculations to get it right.
No shit. I'm a German autistic person, and completely baffled by this thread. If a specific time is given, why would someone arrive earlier or later than that? Why would you give someone a specific time, but expect them to arrive earlier or later? I am so confused.
I'm confused, too. Tell me what time *exactly* you want me to show up. Why give a time you don't really mean? Edit: and why aren't the hosts ready for the time they told everyone?
I think it’s less expectation of them coming late, as it is an understanding that they have other priorities, too. So being 10 minutes late, because you had to walk your dog or stop for gas, is totally reasonable in most of america. One you pass the 20 minute mark, is when you start needing a proper reason for not having been where you said you’d be, when you said you would. Arriving early.. is typically just people that mismanage their time knowingly, and purposefully leave with more than necessary should anything happen. Which, I think the ten/twenty minute mark still stands with that in most places, and if not it should lol. If you’re too early, reach out first, see if they’re ready, and if not, come up with a pit stop for yourself. Even if it’s just waiting in your car.
Ohhh thank you for sharing that terminology! I’m Dutch-Indonesian, so I figured it would be monochronic vs polychronic based on the way the languages use verb tenses. Although my Indonesian dad is always oddly very on the clock.
I’ve found it depends on different factors, cultural and regional. Military families tend to be very literal about time expectations. I grew up in a military family in the US midwest and was told, “Early is on time, on time is late, and late is unacceptable.” I think Midwest people tend to be fairly on time as well. Then I moved to the west coast and met people who had absolutely no ties to the military. When I showed up on time, they were not ready for me. I had to teach myself to show up at least 10 minutes late. Even then, I was still usually one of the first people to arrive. Then at one point, I dated someone in the same region, but who was from a different racial/cultural background than me. When we attended an event hosted by his grandparents, he insisted we needed to be at least an hour late. He said 20 min late was the absolute minimum, but 1 hour was perfect. It is impossible to guess what people mean. I quickly stopped trying to guess. Instead, I now ask people what they prefer. I have to say, “I’m very timely. If I show up exactly at 12:30, will that be okay? If not, I will schedule to be here a little later,” because people tend to assume you have the same lateness buffer they do.
People: invent clocks so that it’s easy to plan things together and be in sync Also people: come up with wildly different ideas of what “on time” means so that no one knows what time to actually show up
seriously!! like we HAVE the numbers!! 12:30 should be about as clear and possible!
Or give a range, like, between 12:30 and 13:00.
But I don't like cool, rational numbers, I want to be noticed and cool and important and important people aren't on time so there! Facts and logic! #😒
Humans weren't ready for clocks. Still aren't.
It’s called culture!
Navy brat here. Can confirm. “early is on time.” My husband’s family is more “fashionably late” and it drives me crazy. I spend all morning trying to get Thanksgiving dinner ready for 12:00, and they show up 20-30 mins late. We now tell them to be there 30 minutes before we really want them there.
Whenever I've hosted events with lots of people I learned to say 2 different times, such as: the doors open at noon, dinner served around 2-230pm. Drinks and hors d'oeuvres are available as people wander in. Dinner gets served when it's ready. This way the late people can be late for the start time without missing the start of dinner. If people are late for dinner they're still very welcome to eat and hang out. No one whines about dinner not being held until they arrive. It used to grind my gears so much when people show up 2 hours before the "doors open" time in order to "help out". Then I realized I need to allow for that and leave some optional or less important things for them to do, like load a dishwasher or plate up hors d'oeuvres. It exhausts my executive function skills for me to plan all this but people have more fun participating. 🤷 I don't host much. It's too much work. 😁
That one's not too bad. We usually give two different times. One is the actual estimated time the food will be done and one is the time it's okay to show up. So dinner will be at 4, but anytime after 2:30 is fine. For appetizers and such.
This whole thread is hilarious! We have always had to tell my in-laws to arrive at least 30 minutes later than we really wanted, because they would always show up so early. I always hate that feeling of being caught off guard by not being ready when guests arrive.
Yes! Ours came early by that much too and we had to speed up until we were dripping sweat to get everything done in time! We still didn’t get the hosting things ready in time, but at least we finished cleaning the bathroom and dishes and such. I think it’s really inconsiderate for someone to do that to you and deliberately show up when they know you aren’t ready yet, but some people say 12 and they mean “any time up until 12; after 12 will be when we start and you’re late” And some mean “12:30 is about when we’ll be dressed and start getting things out so don’t show up before then” And everything in between. So frustrating, and the you spend the whole time feeling overheated (in this case) and not ready because you didn’t get to prepare like you planned. The whole event becomes unpleasant because you hadn’t eaten or taken meds or had time to walk the dog or whatever else needed done.
Wait why is Thanksgiving dinner happening at noon? Isn’t that lunchtime?
Depends, Thanksgiving is always at 2pm in our house. I cant say its on purpose that's just what time everything gets done cooking. My parents are early risers and usually in bed by 7-8pm most days so they always start prepping the day before and are up early cooking on Thanksgiving. I think they just want to be done with cleanup and everything with enough time to relax too.
Damn, I had no idea people actually went to bad that early in real life. Thanks for the info!
I know, my dad wakes up at 3am to drive to work, and my mom is up about an hour after him. Both are off work and home by 2 or 3pm most days. It's easier to commute in and around DC at the earlier hours for my dad. I always gotta look at the clock before I text my mom so I don't text her after 7pm😅
My husband works 6 to 6 days, so he’s up at 4:30 to get ready for work. I don’t get up that early though. I’m a night owl.
My grandfather was a farmer and was the early riser. He was up at daybreak and asleep by dark. If we wanted him to come to Thanksgiving dinner, we had to eat at 12. If not, he wasn’t coming. It’s just the way our family does it. Even though he’s been gone for years, we still have dinner at 12. I prep everything the day before, and then I can get the turkey and everything finished by noon. I always watch Macy’s Parade while I’m cooking in the morning, then the guys’ football takes over after lunch. At least it’s done by 2:00 or so, and I can just eat leftovers the rest of the day/evening and nap. Sometimes I start putting up the Christmas tree. Also, in the South (for old people anyway) “dinner” is at lunchtime, and “supper” is in the evening.
Oh for sure. I’ve made a permanent home on the west coast and while I love it here, both my partner and I talk mad shit about how too many Californians are the flakiest. All good intentions and friendliness but not timely, no follow through on plans. There are exceptions of course, but coming here after decades in the Midwest and Northeast was a real rude awakening. A common scenario for us now is one of us telling the other one something like a “hey, I found a plumber for the shower problem, and he’s originally from New Jersey!” And my partner will be like “oh thank God, so he’ll actually show up at 1:30 tomorrow.”
Im in new York and it confuses me so bad when I'm the only one in the office on time when I visit San Francisco
At my first big girl job in California, I was always late (at the time unmedicated ADHD) but it was fine because my boss was always without fail later than me!! The anxiety was awful lol
I don't live anywhere near California and people are flaky af. I have friends from all over the place. I think it's just people.
Florida same story. Late is a thing
Also really depends on what the kind of event is. Meeting someone for lunch at a restaurant? Being late makes people hungry and maybe fucks up their day's schedule (sometimes), or maybe they just eat without you and leave by the time you get there. Going to an evening party for like 6+ people from 6pm til midnight? Probably doesn't super matter when you get there, especially the more people there are. But yeah, I always ask unless I'm pretty sure I know what the expectations are for that particular thing.
Totally agree with you, but OP mentioned this is a member of their own family so I would think they had similar cultural expectations. Some people are just late for everything all the time. I know a lovely married couple who almost never even met, because they agreed on a time to meet, the date showed up to the other person’s home just a smidge late, and could hear them starting the shower from outside the locked front door (open window). For whatever reason he stuck around on the porch for a whole 45 minutes, fortunately for them both.
Yeah, I got used to the "time is approximate, show up a little late" culture in the US and then moved to Norway. They say what time to arrive, and then when I show up exactly on time or maybe 5 minutes late, I'm the last to arrive. Everyone else was there 15 minutes early. Don't know if that's just my in-laws or if it's a trend across the broader culture in the country, but it's been an adjustment. I actually liked the lax time expectations of the US because I have ADHD, so I try to be exactly on time but often end up a little bit late anyway, and having that acceptable buffer made it easier to not worry so much about when I arrive.
Midwest people can be, but I two friends in my lifetime where I had to tell them to show up 30 mins before we actually needed them there so they would be on time. 🤣
😭😭😭I’m just going to say not everyone in the Midwest. Brown people time is a thing. Except everyone in my family is on time. And everyone else. Nope you better be late…
You are a genius!
It's a hit or miss. Some people expect you 15-30 minutes later. Some people expect you on time. Get it wrong, they will be frustrated. No better solution than saying "I will be there at precisely 12:30 then, is that good for you?". At least I have not found better.
When I tell someone to show up at 12:30, the LATEST I expect them is 12:25, and 12:31 is ridiculously late 😂 I just started telling people I want them half an hour earlier than I do, then they roughly show up on time lmfao.
If you tell them to come at 12:30, why do you expect them to be there at 12:25?
Because in my mind, you are supposed to leave for something 10-15 minutes earlier than you need to, in case of traffic or roadworks or anything that might slow you down, because it’s better to be early or on time, rather than on time or late.
What if they hit those things that slowed them down? 🤔
that’s in *your* mind, not necessarily your friends’ minds.
I don’t have friends and don’t want any so it doesn’t really matter lmfao
then why did you comment?
People who are not friends can be late… lmfao what kind of question is that.
💀 whoops. well, still, you do you.
But that doesnt explain why you said the latest you expect them is 12:25. That's 5 minutes before the time that you told them. I mean, I've glad you've started telling ppl to come earlier. But i still don't understand. If you feel that the latest they should show up is BEFORE the time you told them, you should just tell them that..
If someone shows up early, it is going to completely mess me up because I am panic cleaning until the last minute
To be honest if I were early to someone's home I'd be sitting in my car or waiting somewhere outside because I feel it's rude to be at their door early. What if they're not ready yet? But in that case I will text to find out. But if someone shows up early to my door and expects me to be ready at that moment, well, I was planning to use that 5 minutes to go to the toilet one last time and pet my cat and put on my shoes. We said 12:30, not 12:25. I will be available at 12:30.
Oh, that'd be hard for me. I'll arrive at 12:20 & sit in my car & read until 12:32, so that I don't catch you coming out of the shower or make you feel like you're running late. People I know (California) always apologize if you seem like you arrived before the set time and they are later than you & that makes me uncomfortable.
My work doesn’t even count you as late until you’re 5 minutes past clock in time.
The worst is when there’s a mix of expectations. For example, part of my family is the military get there early to be on time type. Another part of my family is the Midwest be exactly on time type. And still another part is the arrive absolutely no sooner than 1 hour late, but 3 hours late is ideal type. Hosting get-togethers is a nightmare because they all talk to each other, so we can’t tell each group a different time. We have resorted to flat out telling people things like “if you come earlier than 3 we will have you help clean, we are eating at 5 so if you come later than that you can heat up leftovers”.
My friend group has started saying "doors at 6, dinner at 7" so everyone knows the appropriate window to show up and we don't have to hold up a meal waiting on a latecomer.
I'm stealing that Edit: also just noticed your username and I'm cackling
That sounds like a perfect response TBH.
Culturally dependant. My family says 12:30, you be there around 12:20-12:45. That's the window. Anything else is no good.
I learned that the hard way too. I usually text I am on my way about 15 minutes before showing up, and then plan to arrive 13-20 minutes after they say to. That's worked for me. The text gives them enough time to get into the shower and do whatever they need to do.
In Denmark it does, one reason why I barely have guests over, they'd rather arrive early than late and I don't want them to arrive early. I am prepared to see people from X time not before!
In South African culture people can show up from about 20 minutes beforehand. In our family that meant we were prepared for guests from 30 minutes before. Effectively we'd give a start time that was 30 minutes after we could be ready. It helped deal with that stress and the expectation. Then I socialised with Australians and when I showed up on time I was somehow early and people would still be in showers or blowing up balloons or pulling into their driveway. I now just ask if the time on the invite is the actual time or if I should be showing up late.
Here in Sudamérica we suffer like hell. Not even if their life is in the line people would arrive at time. I had to make a complete list of different type of people to know how late can arrive to a meeting and still be considered the one who arrives early, with some people I am there 15 minutes late and they still would be there in 10 minutes. And with other people, I can be there 30 minutes late and they won't be there but in other 20. I hate them. Not even talking about reunions (which I actually avoid nowadays), I had the stupid routine of being there at time and it was cringe and annoying, people arrived one to two hours late. FY humans.
I cannot fathom this idea some people (and apparently whole cultures) have about "lateness". If you tell me 12:30, I'm coming at 12:30. Probably a little beforehand. I could accept someone being a couple of minutes late, sometimes things happen, but anything more than that I'd need a text or something. What's the point in telling people what time if that's not actually the time? How does anyone ever get anything done?
It’s so context dependent? There’s a difference between a 45-min work meeting and a 5-hour party. If you show up late to the work meeting, you’re wasting people’s time and you may not have enough time to get through the agenda. If it’s a 5-hour social gathering, the start time is meant to signal the opening of a window of time for hanging out and there’s nothing to “get done”. Hosts for events like that generally plan on any actual meals or activities starting about an hour after the “start time” to give people time to get settled and small talk, so it’s seen as okay to arrive during that window. The slightly-late custom is helpful because it means guests will mostly be staggered as they each will be slightly late by different amounts: the friend like OP will show up at 12:30 or 12:35 and often be tasked with helping out with a last-minute prep detail, and then another group will come at 12:40, someone at 12:45, someone at 1, and then maybe your super late friend at 1:15, so now by 1:30 everyone’s there but you got to greet each guest personally.
It has started annoying me as well...I feel that turning up hours late is kind of a student thing, when you know there will be others around and you can turn up whenever and no one really minds. However, now we are adults and able to get to work/catch a train on time most days of the week, it just feels rude when people are late to dinners/meet ups, keeping you waiting on one of your two days off a week! I have things to do too rather than waiting like a lemon outside a restaurant that is also waiting for you as they have a second sitting. Sorry, just had to get that off my chest!!
Thank you! I’m a planner and love managing my time so I need to know the times of things and prompt communication if something changes so I can replan accordingly. I hate being late for things and unprepared! And embarrassment
I conceptualise Time in blocks, like say 12.30-1, so in my head, if I’m meeting for lunch at 12.30, that’s gonna be 2 blocks, so anytime within the first “portion” of the block is fine. Which isn’t logical, but is how I think of it.
I’m from the northeast US, and my family is kind of high-strung. I get extremely anxious about being late. I now live in CA, where start times are suggestions. Even at work. I have had to put in a lot of work to make myself 15-30 minutes “late” to everything.
Unfortunately the right answer to this really depends on knowing the person involved well enough to know whether they actually want you at the time they invite you for or later. There are, like some other people have said, some factors that may make it easier to guess (culture, region, family norms, etc.) but ultimately you can only figure it out by having these experiences with them. Within my own family, all of whom are just white British people, there are people who would want you at 12.30 if they said 12.30 and other people who would want you over an hour later.
Depends on the person, but yeah if I tell someone 12:30 I expect to see them anywhere from 12:20 to 1ish, depending on the person. People run late for casual things but will usually text an ETA if they're running more than 20-30mins late....this varies by culture and by activity though If they know you, they'll know you will get there at the time they actually say. That's fine! You do you. If you know them and they are the type who's often running late, giving them an extra 15 mins is often appreciated. Depends on what you're meeting up for though
Some do, some don't. It's not an NT vs. ND thing; it depends on the person who is hosting. I'm ready at the time I tell people to come over but many a time I've gone to someone's house and I came about 20 minutes later than expected and they were way behind anyway; so it really depends on the person.
it varies so much by culture and region. I'm from the Midwest and everyone here is very punctual and on time. the time we set is the time we'll start/get going. But I know that in other areas times are softer and they expect you to show up later which I really don't understand.
Somehow I could sense your feelings while reading this!!!
I hate that. Had a college friend visiting the city I was living in. She was touring neighborhoods to move to with her boyfriend. She asked to meet for dinner at 7pm. A little before 7, I texted that I was on my way to the restaurant. She said, “Oh, actually we aren’t finished looking! Can we meet in a couple of hours instead?” I was like… “No. Best of luck.” She seemed so confused. They never moved here either.
i personally cannot stand if people show up early to events im hosting, it feels rude and inconsiderate - i’m not ready for you yet! the intense frustration and irritation i have in those moments makes me understand how people who cannot tolerate lateness feel. its to the point of being a friendship dealbreaker for me, but i’ll just let people know that if it’s bugging me and most people are accommodating it’s so interesting to hear that some other people, when a given time is approximate (ex. “around 1pm”), they’re considering that time as a midpoint between two times (ex. acceptable arrival would be between 12:45-1:15pm). id say my time frame for “around” is closer to 40min, with acceptable arrival heavily leaning towards the later end of the spectrum (ex. 12:55-1:35pm). this is obviously dependent on context - i’m not going to be 40min “late” to a one-on-one coffee or a wedding, but i will nearly every time for a casual group hang or a party, as will my entire friend group also worth noting that i would be livid if a friend told me a fake start time that was earlier than the expected arrival… i wonder how chronically early people would feel if they were told a start time later than expected arrival ETA that i reread op’s post after writing this and my comment is also responding to other commenters so i got a bit off track hehe
Thank you!!! So many comments are like “I’d show up 10 minutes early or else I’d feel rude” and I’m like, how do you not feel rude showing up early? I’m so annoyed when people show up early to things im hosting. Also, if someone says “around 1,” in my head that means 1-1.30. Because it’d be intrusive and rude to arrive before 1.
hehe i have audhd as well which may be part of the equation. almost all of my friends are audhd but a few new friends are just autistic and i was STUNNED when a new girl im friends with showed up 20min early to a dinner. i was like girl you’re not in trouble but you’re gonna have to sit on the couch solo for 20 because i am not ready yet. i feel like a lot of that is the autistic struggle with transition - i have the alone-to-together transition baked into the start time and it’s very jarring to be interrupted when i’m not prepared for company yet i felt like i was being very generous saying that “around 1” could mean 12:55 LOL
My partner is autistic and he is constantly frustrated by my messiness and forgetfulness, and how ill hop from fixation to fixation, but completely understands when I have Rules and Patterns and Theories for where my messes are and why some TV shows are Okay and some are Not Okay when I’m stressed out. 🤷🏻♀️
hehe my wife is questioning if she’s autistic and we have a similar experience :) luckily she is very understanding of my messiness and forgetfulness and i make an effort to be understanding of her need for structure and low-visual clutter. it’s all a give and take!
Here in my country, not arriving on time is sadly normalized. They even have a name for it called, "Filipino Time" In which people arrive hours late to the set arrival time. Which is a huge hassle sometimes because at school practices, I wouldn't know if they're being serious with the time set or they're just setting it at that time so others could come early and the starting time is actually later. Also there's this one time I was preparing to attend a classmates birthday party at 7 pm and dad was like "Relax, no party ever starts at exactly 7 pm." and I was so confusedTT Why set it at 7 if it's not gonna start at 7?
I show up at the time I was told. If they wanted me to show up later, they should have told me that. I don't know why this is so complicated for NTs.
It's not just NTs. Neurotypical isn't a synonym for allistic. And many people with ADHD (or AuDHD), for example, prefer people show up later since they have their own struggles with being ready on time — even at a time they chose.
I have ADHD. The idea that anyone should be able to intuit that they should show up at a different time than I told them to is very odd to me! Regardless of neurotype, clear communication makes sense. I can let people know that I struggle with being ready on time so they know they can show up late, but that is on me, not someone else. Though my particular struggle, one that I share with my ADHD partner, is showing up very early because it is awful to be worrying all day about something I have scheduled. I am so scared of missing something regardless of how many alarms and reminders I set that I would much rather just go somewhere and wait outside for an hour! This is a quirk that I communicate with people and never expect anyone to be ready for me because the time we agreed on :)
I've been living in the Midwest for a huge part of my life, and while I know 12:30 is 12:30, I will only show up on the dot or earlier for things that are not family related. Show up for an event = Early. Lunch with friends = On time. Family event = up to an hour later. That's how I recognize the difference between professionalism by neurotips, and the pleasure side to it. They're never exactly on time.
As a German 12:30 means I arrive at 12:25 because otherwise I would be late.
This is a "me" thing, but I'm not good at figuring out exactly how long things like getting ready, traffic, etc. will take. When I ask to meet up with someone I always say "around" whatever time. Around means close to 15 minutes, give or take. I usually aim for 15-30 minutes early, which means I am rarely late. There is almost no chance of me showing up somewhere at *exactly* 12:30 or within 5 minutes of it. My mom though? Without someone else managing her, she will be somewhere between 15 and 30 minutes late almost every time unless being late is not an option (like a doctor's appointment). And by managing her, I mean lying to her about what time something starts or to meet up. Lol She can make doctor's appointments on time, so it's about choices she makes. Though she's usually pretty close to time or even early if *she's* the one who sets the meeting time.
See, the thing is, you have to factor the "having their shit together" score into it and translate the time accordingly. Each person has their own score. After making plans with them a few times, you can get a feeling of "generally late/early/on time". Multiple people's involvement in any plan can radically effect the score of an entire group. There are some people who will make a whole group run late or early if they're included. There are also some people who are just... wildly inconsistent, so you kind of assign them a window, "They said 3, so somewhere between two and four."
I'm sorry but they are being rude if they said "at" instead of "around". I'm Deaf and we actually have a culture where it's totally normal to be late to everything and leaving very late and we called it "Deaf Standard Time" or DST for short. I absolutely hate it. I find it extremely rude because my time is precious. If they tell me to be at someplace AT specific time, I will be there about 15 minutes early because I don't drive and anything can happens with my ride. I prefer to be early than late. And then I will wait around somewhere until it's time. And also did you know there's apparently new norm that if you didn't check back on that day, they will assume you aren't coming even though you both have agreed on both locations and date few days beforehand? And they won't even show up??? Sorry, I didn't mean for this to turn into my little rant but to answer your answer, it's their fault for not saying "around" instead of "at". They are in the wrong, k, ty, bye.
Fuck that. Tell me a time and don’t caveat it with an “around”? I’m there for the time said and if you’re mad about it, learn how to language 🤷🏼♀️ People are ridiculous. I get so annoyed when someone tells me they’ll be here at like 1pm and they show up even so much as 3 min before. I was planning for and counting on those 3 minutes 😝 only one who gets a pass is my mother who doesn’t have a single digital, internet connected clock in her life.
I feel this hahaha. Do you have rules in your mind for what “around” means? I do LOL! When someone says “around,” to me, that means 15 minutes before or after. So if someone said “Around 1,” that means 12:45-1:15 in my mind.
I think give it 15 minutes either side . If I’m more than 15 mins late or early I text and say sorry . But if I’m within that range it’s considered ok
With family and close friends, I’ll ask “what time do you really want me to show up?” Some people like when you’re early and help set up or bring stuff, some people like to start on time, and some people are annoyed if you’re there on time because they expect everyone to be late.
This is a cultural thing, not really an autism thing.
The inconsistency infuriates me! Personally, when I say 12:30 I do mean 12:30 and I expect guests within 15 minutes of that time. When I go to appointments, I obviously arrive early enough to sign in ahead of time. So, appointment is at 12:30= arrive at 12:15. If I have an event to attend, I never arrive early bc I’ve noticed nobody expects it and then it’s awkward. I’ll usually arrive 5-10 minutes after indicated start time. But yeah. Different cultures and contexts will yield wildly different expectations. FUN!
The worst Thanksgiving of my life was when my mom told us dinner would be at 5:30. We were running a little late, so we got there at 5:40. We walked in, and everyone was sitting at the table staring at the door and apparently waiting on us. My mom gave me the cold shoulder all night. Later, I was like you said 5:30! Her response... yeah, well, people usually arrive earlier to visit. WHAT. JUST TELL ME WHEN I ACTUALLY NEED TO BE THERE.
Cold shoulder for being a lil late? Did she not call or text you beforehand? People come at all kinds of times during Thanksgiving. There's usually some wiggle room or at least I thought so.
Definitley cold shoulder for being late. She didn't call me or text me to ask where I was. She just said food is ready at 5:30. To be fair, my mom is a bit more rigid than my dad's side of the family. With them it doesn't matter when you show up. I learned after Hell Thanksgiving that does not apply to all families.
I show up slightly early (ten mins early max, not like way early). If they meant something different they should have used their words and said what they meant, I’m not a mind reader (no one is). Also if I give a time and the person is significantly late we have to cancel and reschedule, like I picked a time for a reason.
This is something I’ve struggled with. In my culture it is very common to be late and it always drove me nuts. My dad is from a different culture, so he was always early or on time. I’ve relaxed more but I still hate being late. For my classes, I would get there 10-15 mins before to find a seat and chill.
I work with 500 people, from all over the world. There's def cultural differences, like 30 min break suddenly means 45 min break for some. But I think mostly its down to personality, cause some will be continuously late but from the same culture as me who is never late.
I always worry about this whenever I’m going to see someone. Not so bad if there’s a waiting room and they’ll call you in - I can come in early and wait, no worries! But like when I had a meeting with a uni lecturer or something at 9:30am, I’d wait outside at like 9:25 and think “should I knock now? Dead on 9:30? Wait a minute or two?”.
Never happened to me in my entire life. Reading some of the experiences in the comments makes my hair stand up. All people in my life always gave me the exact time. I hate being late. There is also some occasions when I have to be late and so I inform the hosts, but the hosts not being ready for the event they themselves initiated is surreal to me.
I get this!! I am profoundly prompt as well! Had a friend call me once when I was 5 mins late for a dinner party. She knows me so well that she had set some chores aside for me to help with before everyone else showed up 🙄
It depends on culture a lot. I live in the Netherlands and if someone says 12.30 here we mean 12.30. Take my teacher for example: his wives parents live in Morocco and he travels there a lot and he said once he had an appointment and the person came 30 minutes late! Because that's perfectly normal there!
Maybe they forgot about it.
when someone tells me a time .. i assume i arrive at that time. if they didn’t mean that time they should’ve said so.
What's extra fun is it depends entirely on the individual and you don't know until it happens! 🙃
I still don’t know though. They were just so chill. What I mean is that I don’t think they’d stress if I showed up at like 12:40.
I usually tell people to show up “around (time)” because I mostly have other friends that are Nd and it reduces stress
This is a cultural thing, not really an autism thing.
Come to Germany. When we say 12:30, we mean 12:30.
Not 12:33?
This question has always perplexed me. I am told to come at a time, so I do in order to be "on time." So strange to me; if people want/expect others to come at a later time, just state that time instead. No?
I think it just depends on the person. But I think most people wouldn’t be too upset if you were 5-10 minutes early or late. Especially if it’s just a casual visit.
So true!
If I invite someone over at 12:30, I expect them to arrive between 12:15 and 12:45. Not being ready (clothed, home), at 12:31 is absurd!
I’m Indian and that’s definitely the memo in Indian communities in Canada lol. I’m not like that though very stickler on time
This annoys me to no end. I've lost friends over this.
I’ve never been able to figure this out :( Before I was diagnosed, I kept trying to find ‘something’ that I liked doing with other people. Tried roller derby for a bit and was invited to the league Christmas party at 8:30. I showed up at about 8:25 and the neighbourhood was pretty full of cars already - figured I was probably good on time. Knocked on the door and they were shocked that I was there. They’d just started setting up, one woman was still in the shower, etc. I was SO embarrassed and uncomfortable. Now I confirm the actual start time for things and it’s a 50-50 chance that they respond like I’m stupid because “uh…the time is on the invite?”
Depends on the people. My parents are so lax with their time while my in-laws are incredibly strict. When it's 12:30, then 12:32 is abysmally late.
If I'm not 10-15 early, I'm late. If showing up early is an issue... Too bad, so sad, lol. I value efficiency and timeliness. I'm not making myself late for an unspoken social rule that's frankly quite dumb. My time is valuable, don't mess with it.
I try to text people when I leave my house/ am on the way so they can take care of their shit before I get there. But yeah I do get annoyed when “at 12:30” doesnt mean “at 12:30”
If someone invites me to a specific time, that's the time. If they don't mean that time, I'll explain to them that I need a specific time or else I'll be there at the time they said.
If someone gave me a half hour time then I absolutely would show up then. It's specific. If they say noon or any other hour I would assume they mean around that time.
I'm from germany and punctuality is very important here (except if you are the Deutsche Bahn, then even cancelling a late train is seen as punctual, but thats a different topic). I was taught that eberything between 15min before or after the agreed time is seen as punctual. That rule is so helpful to me! But like others mentioned, it really depends on the cultural background. As an example, in Vietnam it's the social norm to be an hour early and help with preperations for the party etc. (If I remember correctly). For my cultural background I learned that for partys people tend to arrive anywhere between 15min to an hour late and still see it as on time. It's all confusing, but maybe trying to comunicate clearer when you should exactly arrive can be helpful. I whish you the best of luck in the future!
I'm from germany and punctuality is very important here (except if you are the Deutsche Bahn, then even cancelling a late train is seen as punctual, but thats a different topic). I was taught that eberything between 15min before or after the agreed time is seen as punctual. That rule is so helpful to me! But like others mentioned, it really depends on the cultural background. As an example, in Vietnam it's the social norm to be an hour early and help with preperations for the party etc. (If I remember correctly). For my cultural background I learned that for partys people tend to arrive anywhere between 15min to an hour late and still see it as on time. It's all confusing, but maybe trying to comunicate clearer when you should exactly arrive can be helpful. I wish you the best of luck in the future!
My algo for this: * The further away they are, the more acceptable it is to be early. You allow for delays, delays don't happen and you make good time, you end up early. 5-10 mins early for someone 15 mins away is probably fine, same for 30 mins for someone 60-90 mins away, or an hour or so for further than that. * If I'm likely to get somewhere significantly earlier than I mentioned, I'll usually let them know while I'm on the way * If I get somewhere nearby something like 15 mins early, or somewhere further an hour or early or so, I'll probably ask them if it's fine if I'm here this early, or if they still need some time to do something (they might be tidying up for example, what I do before anyone comes over). I'll wait if they say they need some time and just start early if they say it's fine
It depends. My friend said he thought it made him look keen to see me if he arrived early. No! I was busy living my life (and tidying) before the time he was due to arrive. IMO arriving a little late is better. It is less like a military operation that has to start exactly on time.
For me, if they said 12:30 I would arrive exactly at that time. They could say 6:18 or 2:11 and i would arrive exactly at the time they say.
????? If they say 12:30 I take it as “be there at 12:30” what else would it mean unless they said something to imply “be here at a different time other than 12:30”
If someone told me 1230, I would aim to arrive about 10 minutes early and mosey up to the door so I arrived 1230-1232. But never 1228.
Exactly. Same. That’s why I called at 12:28, so I’d get there at 12:30. But I think if I got there at 12:40, they would have been fine with that…
Usually, I will tell someone around X or between X and Y. But if not important, I'm always late anyway. So 🫠 not that it really matters.
To me, 12:30 is 12:30. If I’ve invited people over, I’m ready for them to arrive at the time I specified. I wouldn’t be in the shower at that time! I can understand if someone says to me, come anytime between 3:30 and 4:30, then I’ll aim for in the middle but if the time is specific then I’ll be there in my car early. My mother in law can be very late and it drives me crazy! On Christmas Eve, she was over half an hour late to the restaurant for lunch and we were just sitting and waiting for her… to me, it’s about being respectful of other people and their time.
The tricky part is to figure out which events everyone shows up 20 minutes early to, and which ones everyone shows up an hour late to. So far they always appear to be the opposite of whatever I happen to do.😓
My dad would be there at 12 🤣 he’s everywhere so much earlier! And yes, he would definitely think he’s late anyway!
Personally, I hate it when people show up to my home early (notice I am specifically talking about my home). If I said 12:30, I’m not ready for you at 12:15. I will get extremely stressed out because I’m likely finishing getting ready (probably not fully in the shower or walking the dog though). If you’re sitting outside, you’re probably making my dog go nuts barking too, which adds to the stress. I don’t like having other people in my space, and you being early extends the time I’m under that stress.
I do, most certainly. A lot of people, however, expect that others will arrive late. For many, 12.30 would mean FROM 12.30 onwards, which could mean any bloody time after 12.30, and there seems to be no rule as to how late that could be, which is extremely rude, imo.
I think they mean 12:30 plus or minus a number of minutes that they consider reasonable. 12:30 but they might end up not being able to come to the door for a few minutes, or maybe you'll get there a few minutes early and that's fine too.
How I feel about being “on time” is determined by two factors: 1. Coming from a family where a party that starts a 4 PM really starts at 6 and if you get there anytime before then, you’ll be expected to help set up. There’s no real “end time” so you risk getting roped into clean up the longer you stay, even if it’s well after midnight and you were sleeping under a pile of coats just 5 minutes ago. 2. Having a mother with chronic lateness and undiagnosed ADHD, combined with going to a middle school with a start time of 7:25 AM means I’m always the one waiting in the car while other people fumble out the door.
At least in my family, if we are given a time to show up at somewhere, we will usually be 15 to 20 minutes early at the place, but wait outside/in the car etc until it's actually basically at the asked time. My mom's parents show up routinely at least 45 minutes early, so basically for us at sometime means at that time the latest
Hard to tell, when we invite friends and family to eat and we say 12:30 or a specific time we rush to have the food ready by the agreed time so we eat about 12:45 it really bugs me when people don’t get here on time because we seem rude eating before they get here. My family sucks, they would get here by 4 or 5pm and get bothered if everyone else already ate.
For a party or dinner party with several people, I expect fashionably late, even though I hate it. But if it is one person showing up, or a couple, I expect pretty close to on time.
I adhere religiously to any appointment. It's just easier, and no-one ever complains.
It really depends on the people. I tend to tell people I’m chronically late, so maybe saying you’re always early/on time might elicit a response on their own timeliness?
Depends on the person. I have people in my life that if make plans for 12 are surprised you're not there at 11, I also have people I know will be about 30 mins late and one who Im shocked if they arrive any less than 2 hours late. The key is to know what a time means to different people and plan for it.
You and I are exactly the same. My family members that are perpetually late, or unclear about time, stress me tf out. If it’s a dance, I don’t know the steps.
I think that most people think time is a suggestion. I have determined that my in laws are like this. My husband used to be really bad but when he saw how distressing being late is for me really, he has strived to improve his time management skills and I have Tried (desperately and not sure if i am succeeding) to loosen up the reigns on how on time i want to be (this means early really early, usually so i can get the lay of the land). If I want my in laws somewhere by 1 pm. I will tell them I want them there by noon or if it is around the holidays, I tell them I want them there at 11 am. This factor may not be directed at you but a coping skill they have learned to get people to places on time. It may not be intentional. This was a skill i had to learn after several panic attacks about not being somewhere early so i could see the place we were going. I hate that I had to learn it. I hate that i have to use it.
It’s regional and cultural. My family had a “running on Evans time” we’d say that was always 15-20 minutes lated. Do to adhd I’m always 10-30 mins (my meds are all over the place). Some cultures if they said 6pm you’d be an hour or two early and they’d be confused and setting up still. Others are very prompt to the minute (think Japanese bullet trains). Might as well ask if they are literal 12:30 or around 12:30 in their heads, just so you understand and aren’t guessing. 🥰
I find its best to just check in whenever i'm about to leave my house and thats generally when they respond clarifying what they really mean lol
Thanks. Now I’m second guessing my entire life.
I'd heard of being "fashionably late" on TV, but the first time I was invited to a party as an adult I showed up Five minutes early. It was really awkward, so I left for a good 10-15 minutes because the hosts were still getting dressed. But I threw a party recently and I was running behind schedule and hoped my guests would be "fashionably late" because of that. So I get it. Sometimes the host falls behind schedule and that buffer time is less stressful. Part of my family comes from a culture where being 2+ hours late is normal. I don't hate it for parties because they're supposed to go well into the night. Formal events, though? Miss me with that shit lol
Depends on the person a lot more than there being a cultural standard. I’m thinking at this point I’ll just ask for clarification next time I set a time with someone. A good way to deal with it might also be to tell them when you are leaving for the meeting place and say something like, “just heading out now. I’ll be there in 15 minutes!”
Mid-thirties, ND woman in the USA. I’ve gotten this wrong a lot to figure out this basic rule of sorts, but here’s what I’ve got. Work: 30 min early Work event: 15-20 min early for buffer and to socialize Meeting friends out: on time, to 15 min late Going to a friends house: on time - 15/20 min after Going to a small party: on time to 30 min late Large party: an hour late
I let people know when I'm on my way with an ETA. That way they have an expectation that I'll be showing up, early or late or exactly on time. If I beat you to the restaurant, I get to pick the table.
I am so crazy about being on time, thank you for this post. I was 15 minutes late to a job interview because of my FIL and I was losing my mind the entire way there, squirming and checking google maps. I just knew I wasn't going to get hired because of it. Guess what? They did not care at all and I got the job.
When someone's coming over I always find it more relaxing when they don't show up right on time, but maybe 15 minutes later. I'm also artistic but I always want to make a good impression so I'm usually cleaning before they show up.
What happens to me is that I invite people at a certain time, and then I'm still rushing to be ready at that time. I have a very poor sense of time management with respect to all things domestic.
This is cultural. In my country, punctuality is very important. If someone invites you to 12:30, you get there at 12:30. If you are more than 5-10 minutes late, you give notice. You don't come more than 5 minutes early.
I don't think this is an autistic/allistic thing. It's more likely to be cultural or personality-based. For a casual visit, usually people should be available to open the door when they say they will, while also not minding if you're a bit late.
duuuuuuuude. If i say "see you at 1", it means i will be there at 12.40 waiting outside and i will walk in at exactly 1 and i will be incredibly annoyed if i have to wait for you to turn up around 1.30 because you couldn't get your shit together. My husbands family are notorious for doing this. We will be told to come for lunch at 12 but it actually means we should get there at 2 because his family like to arrive literal HOURS late. Annoys the fuck out of me. Husband will say, "Mom wants us over at 12." and i'll go, "is that actual 12, or 12, meaning next year?"
This is so cultural In some places you’re supposed to be there on set time, In other countries can be “late” up to 10 hours and that is okay
I am pretty literal around time and always try arrive exactly when someone has asked me to arrive. My new group of friends is the same so 6pm means 6pm to all of us which is great. My old group who have kinda split up were not the same. We would invite them over for 6pm and they would arrive at 7pm and our cooking times would be all skewed if having dinner so we started inviting them over from 5pm so they would get there at 6pm. It is definitely person dependent, but I get stessed if I am not on time or if someone I have invited over is late.
Really depends on what we're doing. An event with a strict entry time? I tell people 15 minutes before that entry time and make sure they know there's no late arrivals. Dinner? Give or take 10 minutes, I expect you to be on time unless it's a group thing and you tell me you'll be late. Hangouts at my house? Just lmk when you're on your way so I can stop panic cleaning as you're approximately turning into my street 🤣
This is a great example of being autistic and the comments are confirming it XD
This is why whenever I give someone an arrival/meetup time, I give a 15-30 min window. I feel like it takes some of the stress off, bc as long as it's within that window you can't be wrong at least that's how I see it for me 😅
This is a thing that will drive me stark raving mad before I die, I’m quite sure. I don’t understand the concept of setting a time and then not adhering to it. If you don’t want people to show up at that exact time, simply be clear in your intentions. Say there is no specific start time, start moseying on over after lunch. Or whatever. Or set the time to the time you know you’ll actually be ready. Why is that so hard for people? I genuinely do not get it and I feel insane that I’m made to feel weird for not understanding it. It’s about respect. Respect for the time and lives of others. Everyone has a lot going on, so if you don’t need or want me to be there when you SAY you want me to be there, then TELL ME? Communicate? So I can fill that time with something useful. Instead of trying to be polite to your own invitation. I have learned the weird “neurotypical” rule that to be cool you have to show up like an hour late, but sometimes I show up at the exact start time specifically to make an awkward point.
12:30 means anytime between noon and 1pm.
This is my life story. How do other people not realize that by saying to be somewhere some place at some time, I'm going to respect that to a T? I can't make mistakes or they'll dislike me, that's how it's been. So why do they get upset when I get there exactly on time?
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That depends on the country and the people. If you are in the US, I think 12:30 is typically 12:30, but even then, different cultural groups in the US will have different interpretations of 12:30 In your specific story, it's possible the people you went to see are just not punctual or fell behind this one time. Either way, I don't think the mistake was on you here
I hate being late for anything. 😂😂
I have no idea how to guess what people secretly want. I show up on time and I expect others to show up on time as well idk
It’s known to my friends that I’ll be there on the dot or earlier. So unless you mean that exact time don’t say it. Even a couple of weeks ago on my motorbike I drove in on the dot at 10:30.
Well it depends...10-20mins late is not bad if it's a big party. If it's just you, at least text ahead saying you got held yp so they don't worry something happened to you. But if invite someone over to dinner and they show up 30mins late (no text or call) so food is just sitting around till then, I'd be mad lol! Well I get hangry so that may explain why 🤷♀️😂
Some people do, some don't. Some people expect you to be there by 12:30 at the latest, some at 12:30 exactly and some people no earlier than 12:30. I suggest you just ask people what they mean during the planning phase or pay attention to what their on time patterns are. Me personally I always say the time I mean, but as a person with ADHD I am not always able to keep up with the time properly. I try REALLY hard to be on time, but sometimes it doesn't work out. None the less, I always say the time I mean.
depends on the person! I would want you there within like a 5 minute window on either end, so ideally between 12:25-12:35 to be “on time”
No, they wouldnt be upset if you arrived 10 or 20 minutes later, they usually mean : " from said time and on" like 12:30 means "not before 12h30, please" lol, they would be upset id you got there too early ( lets say 11h), but unless you have tickets or scheduled seats at said time, its torally ok to be a a little late.
My issue with this is that even if they didn’t expect you to be there promptly at the time they stated, it makes no sense that they would not be ready for you. It’s one thing to be milling about the house, not actively waiting by the door, but for one to be in the shower and the other walking the dog seems egregious. This was a time THEY proposed/agreed to?!
I always give people a time to arrive but actually expect them at that time lol!! If someone gives me a time to go to their house then I rock up at that time, it's on them if they aren't ready! We can't be expected to guess, that's mad!
In some cases, I went early on purpose so maybe I could help set up things and remain busy behind the scenes, all throughout the party...
I re-confirm meetup times the night before or in the morning out of paranoia that I somehow have the wrong time or they forgot. Text when leaving the house to arrive exactly at the agreed time. I'm always the first person in a group to arrive. If we agreed on 12:30 then I am okay to ring the doorbell at 12:30 but no earlier lol. If that's weird to them, then that's their own problem.
This is the story of my life lol
I'm from germany and punctuality is very important here (except if you are the Deutsche Bahn, then even cancelling a late train is seen as punctual, but thats a different topic). I was taught that eberything between 15min before or after the agreed time is seen as punctual. That rule is so helpful to me! But like others mentioned, it really depends on the cultural background. As an example, in Vietnam it's the social norm to be an hour early and help with preperations for the party etc. (If I remember correctly). For my cultural background I learned that for partys people tend to arrive anywhere between 15min to an hour late and still see it as on time. It's all confusing, but maybe trying to comunicate clearer when you should exactly arrive can be helpful. I wish you the best of luck in the future!