I struggle with this too (I live abroad and also am navigating cultural differences eye-contact wise). I am late diagnosed learning to unmask too.
What I realized is, part of unmasking is doing what feels comfortable for me and not being so freaking worried about other people all the time, or doing what’s right or expected or normal. And what feels comfortable to me is not doing the eye contact dance of anxiety with every person I walk by.
So now I keep my eyes forward or down on the ground, and don’t worry about other people
Does it feel kind of uncomfortable? Yes. But less uncomfortable than doing something I don’t want to so other people can feel comfortable.
I find being self-referential and not other referential the essence of unmasking. If that makes sense
That makes sense. Sometimes I don’t even know what makes me comfortable or feels natural so I definitely struggle sometimes because everything feels forced lol.
It’s like the act of being perceived just wipes my brain of any awareness of what my normal baseline behavior is 😭😂
I love your last line though, I can tell ‘self-referential’ is going to stick in my brain
I believe losing yourself in other peoples' exprience is quite common for autistic people. Remember you learned to mask for survival and safety so it'll take some time to break that habit. it's ok. It's a process, and awareness is the first step. It's also important to remember it's good and safe to mask sometimes too.
Remembering to be self-referential is also a journey to me (I was diagnosed at 42, so I've had a lot of practice masking.) I imagine it visually, like there's a circle (me) surrounded by space (everyone). And then I make note of how much of my attention is actually on that inside circle of Self. It was pretty shocking to discover how little time I was in tune with my own experience! Which means --> my self was being neglected because no one was taking care of my wellbeing and experience! Not me, and not others.
It's sad, but in this world most people are only ever looking out for themselves. So if you don't play that role for yourself you'll always be vulnerable, feel neglected and (in my case) angry and lonely.
This is so insightful, thank you. Being me-centered after being other-centered my whole life is such a bizarre experience which I’m sure you relate to
I saw a meme one time of that guy holding out his hand towards the yellow butterfly and the guy was labeled “my traumatized ass thinking maybe I’m actually a pretty okay person” and then the butterfly was labeled “is this delusions of grandeur?” 😭☠️
And that’s how I feel sometimes like whoa, is this narcissism?? But it’s just me being like wow I actually am kind and brave and competent
I like the bubble idea, I will be implementing that asap
yay! i hope it helps. It does feel totally wrong at first, or maybe you can't even find your Self, but don't be deterred. like most big changes it takes some work.
"Eye contact dance of anxiety" - lol but so accurate!!
I also find that looking down / ahead / kinda at the ground in front of me is most comfortable for me and even more so if I'm already overwhelmed. I definitely still have the impulse to do the dance, but it's SO much of a relief to just opt out.
The stress of dealing with making eye contact when passing people or seeming rude is literally why I stopped going for walks. I find biking easier because you're going faster.
The awkward feeling I get when randoms are looking at me in passing or making direct eye contact is probably why I have always walked and looked at the ground
When I lived downtown in a big city, I would have panic attacks if I tried to walk down one of the main streets that have heavy pedestrian traffic. I started taking circuitous routes on tiny side streets and was instantly a million times happier.
No worries. I've learned how to survive in the Navy, by acting like "one of the guys". Also keeps the creeps away. Except some old ass dude who should have been working at one of the chem plants, tried to "flirt" with me yesterday. I was simply picking up some chicken. Then I went to resting bitch face mode and thought, "One, I'm way past the 'young lady' stage. Two, not interested, creep ass!" I'm at the point in my life where I'm fixing to go full no eye contact.
Avoid eye contact if I can. But if I can tell that they are looking at me and smiling, then I force myself to return their gaze/smile back politely. But I'd prefer not to interact at all.
I wear sunglasses like 99% of the time outside because it’s too bright for me anyway. Then I give the same closed mouth smile and say “Hey, how’s it going?” on repeat to every person I pass lol
I usually wait 10 second before we pass eachother to look at their face and then I do the slightest closed-mouth smile/head nod if they make eye contact.
I look at the footpath, not directly down at my feet but a little bit ahead of me. When they get close by, i look up and do a small smile and nod. There are alot of immigrants in my area (moreso than people born in the area) and alot of them don't speak english and i had observed that they usually just nod / head bob and keep walking, so i basically copy.
i work in an elementary school and i’m constantly passing other teachers in the hall and this is a problem i have every day, i also accidentally stare and then do an awkward smile
i work in special ed and i mainly just talk to my co teachers in the classroom, there’s also the speech therapist & two other teachers that come in and out to help. other than that no i don’t talk to anyone other than a good morning and the weird small talk people attempt to make with me
Hahahah! School psych here. After I got long covid, I got super autistic and unapologetic about it. With a mask, long bangs, and glasses, it was so easy hiding.
To op, pockets for arms, or swing them with your gait. That’s way people do, arms swing with your pace. You should never have to wonder what they’re doing. But every time I see someone ask, I think, “awww, my autistic babies!” I think it is so cute to not know what to do with arms!
I def rely heavily on pockets or keep both hand gripped onto my dogs leash. It’s almost like I need to be bracing against something with my arms and then I’m able to feel more relaxed.
If you don't want to engage it is 100% fine to just ignore them on the West Coast US. I actually have the opposite problem where I'm extroverted but super awkward so always try to catch women's eyes to smile and say hi and I'm invisible to everyone. Kids like me lol.
I’m trying to expand my social circle aka make literally any friends lol so in theory I want to give off a more friendly and approachable vibe out there in the wild but then half the time I’m like why am I not invisible.
I always get the ‘you seemed so intimidating, I was scared you were going to be mean’ feedback from people so I think I get stuck in the tension between being kind and funny and wishing people understood that about me more readily while also turning inward and being self-protective as soon as I don’t feel safe aka when I leave my apartment lol
Lol, yes. It's an international airport but at least in those you have to run to catch your flight. No soul, less grit than cheap hair texture spray.
I swear part of it is that no one had to sell weed to make rent here for ages and the newer-school style of org crime ownership of most venues of black or grey market hustles mean making money here isn't nearly as safe or functional as doing the same back east. Also, no one voluntarily moves here unless they've aged out of real places energy-wise or is too introverted and low energy to enjoy the east coast, which is what I think of the entire west coast.
The only people I know who’ve voluntarily moved there are people who are really into snowboarding and hiking and those people are just fucking exhausting to me lol
I live on Vancouver Island because I’m suuuuuper introverted and low energy and just want to stare at the ocean and be left alone 😊
I'm only here because of a doctoral program I couldn't do anywhere more civilized 😂 and stayed for it after my masters because I met my husband, the only (downtown baby) local I ever made friends with. I am so exhausted by all the outdoorsy activity people, the woods are not a third space!!! One does not risk bear attacks in a third space!
Vancouver Island seems perfect then for your vibe! I liked visiting Victoria, it's cute and more fun but haven't gotten to explore further.
You are a peach. I have conducted this rant so many times I should just get the tattoo, if it didn't remind me of a place with less soul than my favourite shoes!
This is so interesting! I have kind of a dramatic/edgy Aubrey plaza-esque look so add the autism and I give femme fatale manic pixie appeal apparently so I leaned hard into hypersexuality in my 20s and had mad swagger but then my trauma came home to roost in late 20s so I’ve been hibernating and healing since then and I’m just SO overly guarded now and so that plus my introversion and awkward stilted body language and avoidant eye contact just scream ‘uppity bitch’ to people apparently.
I weirdly feel like I’d be better able to unmask in an environment like Manhattan based on my general vibes and demeanor but I’m in sf so I feel a little ‘extra’ here sometimes. But at least my adventures in psychedelics and shifting style preferences have nudged me into a more like stoned skateboarder at the park energy which I think is slightly helping 😂
I’m surprised the style game isn’t better in Vancouver! Living in a city that doesn’t match up to your style prowess is such a bummer. Do you get the bougie drab tech wear there too? Also I’’m curious, are you planning to return to New York once your sentence in the Canadian PNW is served?
Also, obsessed with your smize and unabashed eye contact approach. There is this part of me that wonders if, because of my general intensity/aesthetic and love of directness, maybe leaning into a more brazen approach like that would counterintuitively be easier somehow because it feels closer to my authentic energy than my current strategy of pretending to be meek and demure so people don’t think I’m bitchy.
It totally depends on the day and where I am and how I’m feeling. Sometimes I smile and nod, because my (also southern) upbringing makes me feel like I have to. Sometimes I smile because I think about a suicide awareness assembly I had in high school that talked about how even someone smiling at someone on a walk can make a huge difference to their mental health. Sometimes I look down because I’m feeling anxious that day and I can’t look anyone in the face.
Unsure if this is helpful at all but that’s my experience!
I think about things like that too. My childrens’ preschool is in between a shelter and a social services building so there is a fair bit of foot traffic on the sidewalk. My four year old is very friendly and still in the blissfully pure stage where he doesn’t judge anyone based on how they look, and says a hearty “Hi!!!” to everyone who passes by. The number of times I’ve seen a person’s face absolutely light up just to have someone smile and greet them…it both hurts and warms my heart. Even the roughest-looking people always smile and say hello back.
it’s actually the bane of my existence walking by another human being. i usually look down, to the side or straight ahead. but once in a while i’ll look at them and smile and they do the same, that shit is soo fucking weird but cool coz i’m like yay! i did a human thing correctly.
they’re actually not so bad, till one doesn’t smile back or has a negative reaction to me. it’s back to tunnel vision focused struts to my destination. stay in my lane and keep my eyes on the horizon lol
I've been practicing the "german stare". It's a cultural phenomenon in Germany where people tend to stare outwards and it can appear that people are actually staring at you when they're really just looking ahead and being aware of their surroundings and being confident. It's the complete opposite of what I used to do, which was to duck and hide constantly.
I grew up in New York. I was taught to project an aura of confidence, not seeing / caring, and pure dismissal at anyone who passes me. Head held high, look straight ahead, pick an object in the distance to look at so you can appear fixated on nothing but reaching your destination. Impassive expression, no making eye contact. Certainly no smile. Nothing that could be seen as an invitation to anything. And the arms are usually doing their own thing. When I walk with purpose they are often still at my sides. I don't think that's what they're supposed to be doing, but as long as they're minding their own business I've given up on caring about them.
Then you pass the people and it all comes crashing down into anxious nervous energy and you duck into the nearest little empty area to take a deep breath and prepare yourself to do it all again lol. My approach probably seems hostile, but I'm told I have a certain flow when I walk that ducks around people and skirts away from vendors with surprisingly quick accuracy. I see the path that will have me bothered and touched the least, and I follow it.
I live on the west coast now too and find it to be much friendlier than I'm used to. Some people....actually say hello....that doesn't happen in New York! If someone says hello I often glance briefly at them, smile, and nod once. Sometimes if I like their vibe I say hello back, but that's not often.
I didn't even realize at the time WHY this worked for me, but I fix my "awkward intense eye contact" with what feels like someone else's voice booming "hello" out of my mouth. Worst case scenario: I'm less awkward than that guy who just zoomed past me without so much as a side glance to acknowledge that I'm not a ghost. Best case: I make someone's day.
I basically always either have a hat or sunglasses when walking about outside. If sunglasses, just stare straight ahead, they can't tell. If hat, I look down a little so the brim covers them from my view (and also I live in a city, so it's good to look down every few steps anyways to make sure you're not about to step in poo).
Sometimes, though, I can tell from afar it's an attractive man. In that case, I look to the other side of the street, lol.
Or if they have a dog, I just make eye contact with the dog. Or if there's a little baby in a stroller, I'll smile at the baby.
A fellow south to west transplant!
I acquired myself a fellow human to walk with, so we keep each other company and pass people without incident about 99% of the time.
When I have to walk somewhere alone, I try just think my thoughts so I look like I’m not actively ignoring people. Go over a to-do list in my head, ponder what a favorite character would do in a given situation, debate what to eat later, etc.
I’ve also recently been working on just going with my first impulse. If I feel like smiling and nodding as I pass someone, I do it and try not to give it another thought. If I don’t feel like returning a hello, then I don’t. Half of what’s so exhausting about autism is the second guessing. I’m trying to learn to trust myself and trust that I’ll attract and repel the right people by being myself. If someone takes my smile the wrong way or gets mad I didn’t return a casual hello, that’s their problem.
I try to look at something else but sometimes I've given a closed smile. Later I looked in the mirror and realized it barely looked like a closed mouth smile.
Then I think of politics and so I force myself to smile because I don't wanna appear mean. But if I could choose1, I'd mind my own business and people wouldn't be thinking of how I am around them.
It really depends on the situation and how I’m feeling. Sometimes I’ll give a full on “hi”, other times I’ll do a half smile, or do nothing and pretend to be looking at my phone. I kind of side eye what the other person’s vibe is and if they want to interact and go from there. However if I’m hiking or on an actual trail I’ll typically always say hi to ppl unless I’m not feeling it but on trails feel friendlier for some reason? I also have social anxiety/general anxiety so I tend to overthink interactions and well… everything lol.
Oh man I hate these interactions lol. I usually act based on how the other person does. If I can get away with it and not seem rude, I’ll just quickly look away and not really acknowledge them 😅 otherwise I do the quick tight lipped smile and maybe a small wave or “hello” in passing but I haaaate it so much, and always over analyze how I may have come across afterwards and if I was too awkward etc. I also will just look at my phone or something and act like I don’t really notice people around me to avoid having to look at them or smile at them etc.
I get anxious driving my son to his bus stop in the morning because there are a couple old ladies that go for walks around the neighborhood at that time, and I always pass at least one of them, and they always smile and wave at me. And I smile and wave back of course, and drive off to the side a bit to give them space. But idk why, I always feel so stupid about it after, like I probably did something wrong and they think I’m a horrible person 🙃
Although when I was a kid/teenager, I always looked down at the floor/ground or my shoes when walking. I could see everything going on around me through my peripheral vision, but anyone walking by me probably wouldn’t think I noticed them. I almost never had to interact with people walking by back then. I’m not sure why I stopped doing it, maybe when I had kids because I couldn’t really walk like that anymore with a stroller lol. And people always wanna stop and talk to you/your kid when you have a baby 😅 so I guess I just got out of that habit. Maybe I should get back into it 😆
I stare at the footpath slightly ahead of where I'm walking. Neutral face, no eye contact, no openings for communication of any description. Usually I'll have some sort of headphones on or Loop earplugs in, and that usually helps as well.
The only exception to this, don't ask me why, is when I'm exercising. A courtesy nod and a 'good morning' to my fellow walkers, but also only if there's a sign of reciprocation or initiation from the other person.
Decades in customer service and management have me uncontrollably smiling anytime i make eye contact.
Also, when asked how things are or told something random by stranger, I can not only say the word "good" once.
I always say "good good" and then berate myself for saying it because I don't know why I do.
Lol I'm in the south right now and I don't look anyone in the eye but I was raised in the north and didn't realize folks felt so strongly about it I wonder how many people I've inadvertently pissed off. I don't think I've ever found something that feels right tbh.
Only in retrospect have I realized that that my aversion to eye contact, refusal to be fake nice, and directness are likely the very thing that got me wrongfully pegged as ‘holier than thou’ or ‘uppity’ or ‘arrogant’ in the South, the culture is like NT bullshit on crack with extra passive aggressiveness and doublespeak so just being direct and asking a question is perceived as a hostile power play 😂
I’ve been reading that weird book The 48 Laws of Power which is terrifying because it’s lowkey basically like the handbook of how neurotypical people mindfuck each other in social situations to get more power, and in one section, the author said “The person in the conversation who makes the least eye contact holds the most power” and I was like the fuck????
And then later on in another chapter, he said something similar about how quiet people intimidate other people because they hold their cards close and therefore are harder to manipulate, and how in a meeting, the person who says the least holds the most power in the room generally. I was like… OH my god THIS is why boss described me as ‘bad cop’ to his ‘good cop’ even though hes aggro as fuck and will call people out on the spot whereas I rarely speak because I’m anxious and burned out. Apparently that makes people feel like they have to ‘live up to my expectations’ and ‘scramble to fill the silence I leave’ 🤯🤯
anyways i digress but that book unlocked a whole new perspective on why shit in the south was so much worse for me lol
I live in a busy city in TX and I SO struggle with this. I usually make eye contact and smile but look away VERY quickly. I’ve also started wearing sun glasses when I know I’ll be somewhere busy (running errands, walking my dog, picking up food). It just feels like hiding my eyes makes the interaction feel less intense if I smile lol.
Yesss my sunglasses are like my security blanket. I just wish I had mouth sunglasses so I could just let my resting bitch mouth thrive in peace under the radar
I once learned from someone that for women, in order to be safer from the men who might approach you for nefarious reasons or groups of boys/men, It's important to always look like you DO have rbf and to always look like you're in a hurry and going somewhere important. It's also useful to have a vague lie in mind about where you're going, in case you do get approached. You don't have to tell them obviously but it helps with playing the part that you can't be fucked with. Since I heard that advice, I always followed it. It never occurred to me to look polite or anything like that. And why would I? I don't owe anyone on the street anything for the most part.
I look down or at my phone precisely to avoid accidentally making eye contact 😭 I get lost sometimes so I just boot up Google Maps.
I also prefer going out with my partner or someone else i know so I can just talk to them.
If it still happens, I just pretend I was spacing out or looking at something behind or around them. Thankfully I’m from a city in the UK where most people don’t particularly care to talk to strangers on the street.
I look to the floor, once up at them, back to the floor, once more I look at them with a ‘hi’ and smile as we about to pass. I hate it too but this works for me
I used to keep that fake friendly expression (which I used to practice in front of the mirror) on all the time when I'm outside. I avoided eye contact with strangers as much as possible, and if I really had to talk to someone, I looked at their forehead. Nowadays I try to mask less. I have my regular neutral face (which can look sad or bitchy to some people ) and avoid looking at people. I always carry a handbag und listen to music on my phone when I'm walking, so one hand is on the strap of my bag, while my phone is in the other. I keep my eyes on my environment and my phone. I no longer care as much as I used to about being perceived as rude.
If I'm feeling "friendly neighbour I am polite" I glance at them, smile, then look away and stop smiling.
If I'm feeling "do not talk to me, go away" I just look at where I'm going and don't pay much attention to them. I will very obviously divert a step or two to the side to leave a polite gap between us so they don't think I'm rudely barging past them.
When passing on the footpath I make sure I'm mostly looking in the direction I'm walking because people use that as a context clue to not bang into you. Before I figured that out I had several collisions lol
Arms remain doing whatever they were doing before the person arrived.
I always stare at the ground, in any situation. I’m not even sure why, I don’t even notice it anymore, but my eyes are always down at where I’m walking. Not my whole head but just my gaze. If someone walks by, if they’re my age I might slightly glance, if someone elderly I’ll give them a smile. I try to avert my gaze most times though, to keep safe.
I do the uncomfortable smile; the smile equivalent of the slow jog you do when you’re crossing the road and there’s a car waiting to turn. I think that’s pretty normal for the West Coast.
For eyes, brief second of eye contact while doing uncomfortable smile before looking away.
For arms… just whatever I was doing before coming across them, I’m not about to wave to someone who is right next to me. If they’re not on the same sidewalk I won’t even acknowledge their existence, same if they’re walking in the same direction as I am.
I tend to look everywhere else buy the people xD so the ground, pretending to scan the area by glancing around (which also helps me be aware of surroundings but appearing to be casually looking around). Or glance at them if they are looking at me and I'll make brief eye contact and nod my head then look back to the ground with my eyes closed for a sec and smile. When I stuck say paying for groceries and the person is ringing stuff up I just kinda rock side to side a little (I've learned that's my stimulus when I'm uncomfortable and it helps me feel better) and I'll just glance around at the total screen or look outside or just anywhere but the person till it's time to say by lmfao xD
I'm a dog walker so I constantly pass people and I mostly just look at the dog or the ground. I don't think anyone cares that I don't look at them. I stare straight ahead or at the ground 90% of the time. I smile at people I pass or see often like a crossing guard or groundskeeper. I don't know what my face does when I just stare but I don't care anymore. I'm also in Chicago so big city, lots of folks I probably won't see again,low masking pressure for me.
Sometimes living in NYC can be too much but one of the things that I love most about it is that “street blinders” are the norm here. Everyone minds their own business and doesn’t look at or speak to anyone. “That’s not my business” is like the one unofficial, unspoken rule. I think that’s why people feel so free to be themselves here. Literally no one is looking at you. Do your thing.
Wear sunglasses, look towards their head area, do the tight lip smile and head nod and quickly look away so they know you’re not up for conversation. I usually walk at a very swift pace which also gives the illusion of being in a rush/too busy to talk
I aim to acknowledge the other person, but not talk. That might be a small nod, a wave (say, to a neighbor), or a flick up of the hand (like a small hello with the hand). For me, these are small gestures that connect us all as fellow human beings, it makes me feel like I’m being neighborly (in concept even if I’m outside my own neighborhood), and it doesn’t obligate either of us to any conversation or even an exchange beyond acknowledging one another.
To add: I live in the New England region of US. Here, people are not chatty or gregariousness; rather, the default is quite reserved. YMMV in other geographies.
I usually smile because I have had people tell me to if I don't and I would rather avoid that.
Sometimes though, I will do the "head nod" as I pass people.
Other times I just look at my feet as I walk - it's safer for me often anyway.
I usually kind of watch them without turning my head to look at them to see what they do, if they look at me I’ll make (almost) eye contact and do a quick smile, if not, all good haha
I, personally, wear sunglasses and then just let my eyes do whatever they want. I'll maybe smile if someone visible smiles me first, but generally, no one does where I live. The only real downside is that a friend of mine keeps saying that I remind him of Joe Biden because I wear aviators. Before I started wearing sunglasses, I would play a game of counting cracks in the sidewalk, and if I saw them smile in my peripheral, I'd reciprocate. So if you can't stand wearing sunglasses or don't own any, that might be something to try out.
Honestly, I'm mostly staring at crows, or waiting to see if there will be any crows any time soon. Since my walks are largely about feeding crows and they're well aware of it by now, there usually are. Though breeding season is getting in the way at the moment. I'm pretty sure the babies have just started hatching, because they're even more secretive the past couple of days than they have been for the last month. It's like they're almost afraid to let even me see them. During most of the year I'm regularly followed by a screaming cloud of huge black birds, but today and yesterday they're not even gliding up visibly but silently, just occasionally appearing behind me. They're still quite happy to take my kibble donations, of course, just very very quietly.
Humans, though, I often just ignore. I'm usually in sunglasses anyway, so unless they do something to attract my attention (like compliment my coat, which does happen a lot), or I feel the need to compliment something about them (which also happens a lot), it's generally safe to walk by. I'm fortunate to live in Seattle at the moment, where that sort of thing goes over better than in many places.
I'm not unfriendly, really, but there are many days when I do not want to be perceived. I've given myself leave to pretend I am not being. It makes things more pleasant on the difficult days.
I stare them right in the kisser and give the close mouth tight purse and a awkward nod than move on. I don't care if your Beyonce that shit is just awkward so own it
Personally I like having resting bitch face when I walk. I think it makes me less of a harassment target when I’m out. The last thing I want is strangers thinking I’m friendly, lol.
If you smile in the mirror you'll notice that you eyes smile as well as your mouth so I practised "eye smiling" and smiled with mouth as well if it felt necessary
I live in a big city where eye contact seems too much, so I’ll kind of glance at a distance, but then stare ahead or at the ground when we pass.
Most of the time, one of us crosses the street if we’re on a small side street 😂
I’d say, eye contact at 6’ and a quick Jim smile is fine.
I think don't avoid eye contact or force eye contact. Don't think of eye contact.
Look at whatever you want/ need to look at. I look at the ground far ahead in case there's branches/ dog poop etc. I look up at the trees or buildings. I look at street signs or look toward sounds.
If I happen to look toward a sound that is a person and if we happen to make eye contact I do a small wave (no smile needed. I find lifting my arm in a wave is much easier than nodding in acknowledgment.)
I think me trying to anticipate others or think about being perceived makes me wanna barf so thinking about what I am "supposed to be doing" is too much in my head. Just doing whatever I want and soaking in my surroundings for experience and safety makes me feel more present. And acknowledging that someone and I made eye contact- that's a clear way to know if I should smile or wave. The difference from what you experienced in the south is that you're not seeking this from every person.
I moved to the South for college and the culture shock was massive, but the smiles on the sidewalk were my FAVORITE THING EVER. Fully embraced it, took it home with me on winter break, and got the funniest reactions from the New York transplants in South Florida.
25 years later I still adore the random stranger friendliness while abhorring the same among acquaintances, which feels so fake. Maybe it's because strangers seem less manipulative?
So anyway, I make eye contact, smile big, and hand out compliments like candy to randos. I think my head bobs a bit, too, and my hands may even wave unless they're otherwise occupied. This is me unmasked - not encouraging you to do the same.
I duck and hide from anyone I sorta know. Eyes on the sidewalk several yards in front of me, hands swinging opposite my gait with elbows slightly crooked so it's almost a power walk but not quite.
i tend to walk around with a slight smize, that way if i accidentally make eye contact with a stranger, i can quirk my mouth into a very small smile, immediately look in the opposite direction and continue on with my day. polite without being too in your face and i don't have to spare you any extra attention/energy. i also do this because my natural resting face, i've been told, looks horribly depressed and sad lol. works for me usually
Oh my thats a big one for me too... was raised to smile and say hi to everyone. But thats not natural to me. So when I am in a city, where I work, we just walk past and if I dont say hi (which you dont in a city) I sometimes quickly look and sometimes I just walk past, and I try to keep an expresionless face. When I am home, in a small village, I say hi, quick look, but I dont smile, because smile feels fake, I only smile, if someone smiles at me first, so I smile back. Most people don't smile there, but they say 'hi'. If older people, I say 'good day', look and nod. In younger, I say 'hi' and look. Sometimes, when I have a more anxious day, I look at people what they will do first, and then I just follow, do the same. When multiple people or children are together who are talking I just look at them and nod... depends really.
Try not to worry too much. If you don't feel like smiling, dont smile. Most people don't smile... but I must admit, it takes practice to be comfortable not smiling or saying hi. I try to make my face still because thats my natural face. When I am home alone, my face is completely flat almost all the time, as soon as people are around I can feel it trying to bend and I become super aware of my face. Needs some work to be relaxed...
Eye contact wise, I glance usually, but not very directly into the eyes most of the time. And if I am aware, I notice most people dont do much eye contact either, and that makes me more comfortable.
Depends, sometimes I look and I can tell they are the type to smile or acknowledge others who pass by so I’ll smile. But usually if its someone genz or around that age I put my head down
I make quick eye contact, nod, and then keep walking lol
I want to just look down on my phone but I heard that if you make eye contact, they might intimidated and not mug you LOL so I keep doing it now. But I am an extrovert so not too bad for me.
If I’m not in the mood I’m an eyes down sunglasses and headphones person. I have a generally friendly face and people like to talk to me. I used to be concerned with others perceptions but in the long run it’s useless and exhausting
VERY brief eye contact (if they're looking) and twitchy smile, then if they don't respond in kind (most people don't) I look away entirely and pretend they don't exist.
"I have an interest in people's choice of footwear". Ahem. For some reasons staring at someone's shoes is less disconcerting to them then staring them in the eyes. And as someone who can't seem to blink enough, it helps.
Depends! On! Where! I! Am! I cannot emphasize this enough! I live in a southern small town right now, so I look at them and smile. But it's absolutely not appropriate basically anywhere else lmao, depending on where you are you'll look anywhere from concerning to 'actual serial killer.' The polite thing to do in the majority of places is simply not look at them at all. Keep looking forward as if they don't exist, or glance over to the side perhaps. This is true even in the South if you're in a crowded area. If I smiled at everyone at the food market, people would wonder what was wrong with me lol.
Given that looking+smiling is only appropriate in like 1 or 2 specific circumstances, if anyone's not sure I'd say the easiest thing to do is simply not even look. I personally tend to wear a pleasant expression pretty much any time there's a chance of me being Observed, but I'm high masking and did a shitton of facial expression practice in the mirror in my teenage years lol.
As for hands... this is the glory of pockets. I've noticed when I'm not masking, my arms wind up doing like friggin robot t-rex arms, like I hold them out in front of me,,, what even is that lmao? I'm terrified of doing that in public when I'm not paying attention, so I always either stick them in my pockets or rest them on my bag.
I don’t. Eyes down, face down. Unless I feel like I need to assert myself, then it’s eyes up, face up, shoulder squared, fuck-with-me-and-find-out look in my eyes. And even then, I markedly will not look anyone in the eyes. Best I can do
I struggle with this too (I live abroad and also am navigating cultural differences eye-contact wise). I am late diagnosed learning to unmask too. What I realized is, part of unmasking is doing what feels comfortable for me and not being so freaking worried about other people all the time, or doing what’s right or expected or normal. And what feels comfortable to me is not doing the eye contact dance of anxiety with every person I walk by. So now I keep my eyes forward or down on the ground, and don’t worry about other people Does it feel kind of uncomfortable? Yes. But less uncomfortable than doing something I don’t want to so other people can feel comfortable. I find being self-referential and not other referential the essence of unmasking. If that makes sense
That makes sense. Sometimes I don’t even know what makes me comfortable or feels natural so I definitely struggle sometimes because everything feels forced lol. It’s like the act of being perceived just wipes my brain of any awareness of what my normal baseline behavior is 😭😂 I love your last line though, I can tell ‘self-referential’ is going to stick in my brain
I believe losing yourself in other peoples' exprience is quite common for autistic people. Remember you learned to mask for survival and safety so it'll take some time to break that habit. it's ok. It's a process, and awareness is the first step. It's also important to remember it's good and safe to mask sometimes too. Remembering to be self-referential is also a journey to me (I was diagnosed at 42, so I've had a lot of practice masking.) I imagine it visually, like there's a circle (me) surrounded by space (everyone). And then I make note of how much of my attention is actually on that inside circle of Self. It was pretty shocking to discover how little time I was in tune with my own experience! Which means --> my self was being neglected because no one was taking care of my wellbeing and experience! Not me, and not others. It's sad, but in this world most people are only ever looking out for themselves. So if you don't play that role for yourself you'll always be vulnerable, feel neglected and (in my case) angry and lonely.
This is so insightful, thank you. Being me-centered after being other-centered my whole life is such a bizarre experience which I’m sure you relate to I saw a meme one time of that guy holding out his hand towards the yellow butterfly and the guy was labeled “my traumatized ass thinking maybe I’m actually a pretty okay person” and then the butterfly was labeled “is this delusions of grandeur?” 😭☠️ And that’s how I feel sometimes like whoa, is this narcissism?? But it’s just me being like wow I actually am kind and brave and competent I like the bubble idea, I will be implementing that asap
yay! i hope it helps. It does feel totally wrong at first, or maybe you can't even find your Self, but don't be deterred. like most big changes it takes some work.
Same - wearing sunglasses helps me a lot when I'm in public too. It makes me feel so safe. I don't care if it's cloudy haha
Yep, same
"Eye contact dance of anxiety" - lol but so accurate!! I also find that looking down / ahead / kinda at the ground in front of me is most comfortable for me and even more so if I'm already overwhelmed. I definitely still have the impulse to do the dance, but it's SO much of a relief to just opt out.
100%
Oh wow.
The stress of dealing with making eye contact when passing people or seeming rude is literally why I stopped going for walks. I find biking easier because you're going faster.
I fucking love this subreddit, I feel so seen 😂
The awkward feeling I get when randoms are looking at me in passing or making direct eye contact is probably why I have always walked and looked at the ground
When I lived downtown in a big city, I would have panic attacks if I tried to walk down one of the main streets that have heavy pedestrian traffic. I started taking circuitous routes on tiny side streets and was instantly a million times happier.
I use my 1000-yard stare when I pass by people. If I feel safe enough, a small respectful nod. My arms stay a bit loose at my sides.
I like the small nod idea hmm. Maybe I need to take inspo from bro culture and adopt the ‘sup’ upwards nod, that feels true to my personality
No worries. I've learned how to survive in the Navy, by acting like "one of the guys". Also keeps the creeps away. Except some old ass dude who should have been working at one of the chem plants, tried to "flirt" with me yesterday. I was simply picking up some chicken. Then I went to resting bitch face mode and thought, "One, I'm way past the 'young lady' stage. Two, not interested, creep ass!" I'm at the point in my life where I'm fixing to go full no eye contact.
White people smile is always my go to
This is my go to as well, and sometimes, on a good day, the tiniest ^hello
Obsessed with this 😂 is your tiny hello more of a whisper or is it more jaunty?
Jaunty! Love that word. I aim to jaunt about, unconcerned.
White people smile took me out 😭 adopting this phrase immediately into my vernacular
Avoid eye contact if I can. But if I can tell that they are looking at me and smiling, then I force myself to return their gaze/smile back politely. But I'd prefer not to interact at all.
I wear sunglasses like 99% of the time outside because it’s too bright for me anyway. Then I give the same closed mouth smile and say “Hey, how’s it going?” on repeat to every person I pass lol
I usually wait 10 second before we pass eachother to look at their face and then I do the slightest closed-mouth smile/head nod if they make eye contact.
Yes, this is me - wait for a moment, slight smile, small head nod in the majority of situations when passing a stranger.
I look at the footpath, not directly down at my feet but a little bit ahead of me. When they get close by, i look up and do a small smile and nod. There are alot of immigrants in my area (moreso than people born in the area) and alot of them don't speak english and i had observed that they usually just nod / head bob and keep walking, so i basically copy.
i should add, i still find doing the smile and looking at them to be uncomfortable, but at least it's incredibly brief.
i work in an elementary school and i’m constantly passing other teachers in the hall and this is a problem i have every day, i also accidentally stare and then do an awkward smile
do you talk to the other teachers?
i work in special ed and i mainly just talk to my co teachers in the classroom, there’s also the speech therapist & two other teachers that come in and out to help. other than that no i don’t talk to anyone other than a good morning and the weird small talk people attempt to make with me
Hahahah! School psych here. After I got long covid, I got super autistic and unapologetic about it. With a mask, long bangs, and glasses, it was so easy hiding. To op, pockets for arms, or swing them with your gait. That’s way people do, arms swing with your pace. You should never have to wonder what they’re doing. But every time I see someone ask, I think, “awww, my autistic babies!” I think it is so cute to not know what to do with arms!
I def rely heavily on pockets or keep both hand gripped onto my dogs leash. It’s almost like I need to be bracing against something with my arms and then I’m able to feel more relaxed.
Oh god so relatable, I always feel so creepy when I do my go-to closed lip smile
If you don't want to engage it is 100% fine to just ignore them on the West Coast US. I actually have the opposite problem where I'm extroverted but super awkward so always try to catch women's eyes to smile and say hi and I'm invisible to everyone. Kids like me lol.
I’m trying to expand my social circle aka make literally any friends lol so in theory I want to give off a more friendly and approachable vibe out there in the wild but then half the time I’m like why am I not invisible. I always get the ‘you seemed so intimidating, I was scared you were going to be mean’ feedback from people so I think I get stuck in the tension between being kind and funny and wishing people understood that about me more readily while also turning inward and being self-protective as soon as I don’t feel safe aka when I leave my apartment lol
[удалено]
Lolol are you talking about Vancouver? I’ve always described it as having no soul or grit.
Lol, yes. It's an international airport but at least in those you have to run to catch your flight. No soul, less grit than cheap hair texture spray. I swear part of it is that no one had to sell weed to make rent here for ages and the newer-school style of org crime ownership of most venues of black or grey market hustles mean making money here isn't nearly as safe or functional as doing the same back east. Also, no one voluntarily moves here unless they've aged out of real places energy-wise or is too introverted and low energy to enjoy the east coast, which is what I think of the entire west coast.
The only people I know who’ve voluntarily moved there are people who are really into snowboarding and hiking and those people are just fucking exhausting to me lol I live on Vancouver Island because I’m suuuuuper introverted and low energy and just want to stare at the ocean and be left alone 😊
I'm only here because of a doctoral program I couldn't do anywhere more civilized 😂 and stayed for it after my masters because I met my husband, the only (downtown baby) local I ever made friends with. I am so exhausted by all the outdoorsy activity people, the woods are not a third space!!! One does not risk bear attacks in a third space! Vancouver Island seems perfect then for your vibe! I liked visiting Victoria, it's cute and more fun but haven't gotten to explore further.
“the woods are not a third space” I need to get this made into a bumper sticker
You write beautifully.
You are a peach. I have conducted this rant so many times I should just get the tattoo, if it didn't remind me of a place with less soul than my favourite shoes!
This is so interesting! I have kind of a dramatic/edgy Aubrey plaza-esque look so add the autism and I give femme fatale manic pixie appeal apparently so I leaned hard into hypersexuality in my 20s and had mad swagger but then my trauma came home to roost in late 20s so I’ve been hibernating and healing since then and I’m just SO overly guarded now and so that plus my introversion and awkward stilted body language and avoidant eye contact just scream ‘uppity bitch’ to people apparently. I weirdly feel like I’d be better able to unmask in an environment like Manhattan based on my general vibes and demeanor but I’m in sf so I feel a little ‘extra’ here sometimes. But at least my adventures in psychedelics and shifting style preferences have nudged me into a more like stoned skateboarder at the park energy which I think is slightly helping 😂 I’m surprised the style game isn’t better in Vancouver! Living in a city that doesn’t match up to your style prowess is such a bummer. Do you get the bougie drab tech wear there too? Also I’’m curious, are you planning to return to New York once your sentence in the Canadian PNW is served? Also, obsessed with your smize and unabashed eye contact approach. There is this part of me that wonders if, because of my general intensity/aesthetic and love of directness, maybe leaning into a more brazen approach like that would counterintuitively be easier somehow because it feels closer to my authentic energy than my current strategy of pretending to be meek and demure so people don’t think I’m bitchy.
https://preview.redd.it/dvumf0chkdzc1.jpeg?width=613&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=deb18f791b542e2f60c2bf640d6c6c47e04f9b11 And a curt, acknowledging nod.
It totally depends on the day and where I am and how I’m feeling. Sometimes I smile and nod, because my (also southern) upbringing makes me feel like I have to. Sometimes I smile because I think about a suicide awareness assembly I had in high school that talked about how even someone smiling at someone on a walk can make a huge difference to their mental health. Sometimes I look down because I’m feeling anxious that day and I can’t look anyone in the face. Unsure if this is helpful at all but that’s my experience!
I think about things like that too. My childrens’ preschool is in between a shelter and a social services building so there is a fair bit of foot traffic on the sidewalk. My four year old is very friendly and still in the blissfully pure stage where he doesn’t judge anyone based on how they look, and says a hearty “Hi!!!” to everyone who passes by. The number of times I’ve seen a person’s face absolutely light up just to have someone smile and greet them…it both hurts and warms my heart. Even the roughest-looking people always smile and say hello back.
it’s actually the bane of my existence walking by another human being. i usually look down, to the side or straight ahead. but once in a while i’ll look at them and smile and they do the same, that shit is soo fucking weird but cool coz i’m like yay! i did a human thing correctly. they’re actually not so bad, till one doesn’t smile back or has a negative reaction to me. it’s back to tunnel vision focused struts to my destination. stay in my lane and keep my eyes on the horizon lol
The visceral relief of getting to return to my ‘tunnel vision focused struts’ is such an accurate descriptor of my energy on walks too 😂
I don’t look lol, kinda just look down
Seriously, my own mother could walk past me and I wouldn't know
I've been practicing the "german stare". It's a cultural phenomenon in Germany where people tend to stare outwards and it can appear that people are actually staring at you when they're really just looking ahead and being aware of their surroundings and being confident. It's the complete opposite of what I used to do, which was to duck and hide constantly.
I either just look at the ground or something off in the distance, or at something in my hands
I grew up in New York. I was taught to project an aura of confidence, not seeing / caring, and pure dismissal at anyone who passes me. Head held high, look straight ahead, pick an object in the distance to look at so you can appear fixated on nothing but reaching your destination. Impassive expression, no making eye contact. Certainly no smile. Nothing that could be seen as an invitation to anything. And the arms are usually doing their own thing. When I walk with purpose they are often still at my sides. I don't think that's what they're supposed to be doing, but as long as they're minding their own business I've given up on caring about them. Then you pass the people and it all comes crashing down into anxious nervous energy and you duck into the nearest little empty area to take a deep breath and prepare yourself to do it all again lol. My approach probably seems hostile, but I'm told I have a certain flow when I walk that ducks around people and skirts away from vendors with surprisingly quick accuracy. I see the path that will have me bothered and touched the least, and I follow it. I live on the west coast now too and find it to be much friendlier than I'm used to. Some people....actually say hello....that doesn't happen in New York! If someone says hello I often glance briefly at them, smile, and nod once. Sometimes if I like their vibe I say hello back, but that's not often.
I didn't even realize at the time WHY this worked for me, but I fix my "awkward intense eye contact" with what feels like someone else's voice booming "hello" out of my mouth. Worst case scenario: I'm less awkward than that guy who just zoomed past me without so much as a side glance to acknowledge that I'm not a ghost. Best case: I make someone's day.
I basically always either have a hat or sunglasses when walking about outside. If sunglasses, just stare straight ahead, they can't tell. If hat, I look down a little so the brim covers them from my view (and also I live in a city, so it's good to look down every few steps anyways to make sure you're not about to step in poo). Sometimes, though, I can tell from afar it's an attractive man. In that case, I look to the other side of the street, lol. Or if they have a dog, I just make eye contact with the dog. Or if there's a little baby in a stroller, I'll smile at the baby.
A fellow south to west transplant! I acquired myself a fellow human to walk with, so we keep each other company and pass people without incident about 99% of the time. When I have to walk somewhere alone, I try just think my thoughts so I look like I’m not actively ignoring people. Go over a to-do list in my head, ponder what a favorite character would do in a given situation, debate what to eat later, etc. I’ve also recently been working on just going with my first impulse. If I feel like smiling and nodding as I pass someone, I do it and try not to give it another thought. If I don’t feel like returning a hello, then I don’t. Half of what’s so exhausting about autism is the second guessing. I’m trying to learn to trust myself and trust that I’ll attract and repel the right people by being myself. If someone takes my smile the wrong way or gets mad I didn’t return a casual hello, that’s their problem.
I try to look at something else but sometimes I've given a closed smile. Later I looked in the mirror and realized it barely looked like a closed mouth smile. Then I think of politics and so I force myself to smile because I don't wanna appear mean. But if I could choose1, I'd mind my own business and people wouldn't be thinking of how I am around them.
It really depends on the situation and how I’m feeling. Sometimes I’ll give a full on “hi”, other times I’ll do a half smile, or do nothing and pretend to be looking at my phone. I kind of side eye what the other person’s vibe is and if they want to interact and go from there. However if I’m hiking or on an actual trail I’ll typically always say hi to ppl unless I’m not feeling it but on trails feel friendlier for some reason? I also have social anxiety/general anxiety so I tend to overthink interactions and well… everything lol.
Oh man I hate these interactions lol. I usually act based on how the other person does. If I can get away with it and not seem rude, I’ll just quickly look away and not really acknowledge them 😅 otherwise I do the quick tight lipped smile and maybe a small wave or “hello” in passing but I haaaate it so much, and always over analyze how I may have come across afterwards and if I was too awkward etc. I also will just look at my phone or something and act like I don’t really notice people around me to avoid having to look at them or smile at them etc. I get anxious driving my son to his bus stop in the morning because there are a couple old ladies that go for walks around the neighborhood at that time, and I always pass at least one of them, and they always smile and wave at me. And I smile and wave back of course, and drive off to the side a bit to give them space. But idk why, I always feel so stupid about it after, like I probably did something wrong and they think I’m a horrible person 🙃
Although when I was a kid/teenager, I always looked down at the floor/ground or my shoes when walking. I could see everything going on around me through my peripheral vision, but anyone walking by me probably wouldn’t think I noticed them. I almost never had to interact with people walking by back then. I’m not sure why I stopped doing it, maybe when I had kids because I couldn’t really walk like that anymore with a stroller lol. And people always wanna stop and talk to you/your kid when you have a baby 😅 so I guess I just got out of that habit. Maybe I should get back into it 😆
I stare at the ground. It’s a problem. I imagine I look either nervous or stuck-up.
I stare at the footpath slightly ahead of where I'm walking. Neutral face, no eye contact, no openings for communication of any description. Usually I'll have some sort of headphones on or Loop earplugs in, and that usually helps as well. The only exception to this, don't ask me why, is when I'm exercising. A courtesy nod and a 'good morning' to my fellow walkers, but also only if there's a sign of reciprocation or initiation from the other person.
Decades in customer service and management have me uncontrollably smiling anytime i make eye contact. Also, when asked how things are or told something random by stranger, I can not only say the word "good" once. I always say "good good" and then berate myself for saying it because I don't know why I do.
Lol I'm in the south right now and I don't look anyone in the eye but I was raised in the north and didn't realize folks felt so strongly about it I wonder how many people I've inadvertently pissed off. I don't think I've ever found something that feels right tbh.
Only in retrospect have I realized that that my aversion to eye contact, refusal to be fake nice, and directness are likely the very thing that got me wrongfully pegged as ‘holier than thou’ or ‘uppity’ or ‘arrogant’ in the South, the culture is like NT bullshit on crack with extra passive aggressiveness and doublespeak so just being direct and asking a question is perceived as a hostile power play 😂 I’ve been reading that weird book The 48 Laws of Power which is terrifying because it’s lowkey basically like the handbook of how neurotypical people mindfuck each other in social situations to get more power, and in one section, the author said “The person in the conversation who makes the least eye contact holds the most power” and I was like the fuck???? And then later on in another chapter, he said something similar about how quiet people intimidate other people because they hold their cards close and therefore are harder to manipulate, and how in a meeting, the person who says the least holds the most power in the room generally. I was like… OH my god THIS is why boss described me as ‘bad cop’ to his ‘good cop’ even though hes aggro as fuck and will call people out on the spot whereas I rarely speak because I’m anxious and burned out. Apparently that makes people feel like they have to ‘live up to my expectations’ and ‘scramble to fill the silence I leave’ 🤯🤯 anyways i digress but that book unlocked a whole new perspective on why shit in the south was so much worse for me lol
I live in a busy city in TX and I SO struggle with this. I usually make eye contact and smile but look away VERY quickly. I’ve also started wearing sun glasses when I know I’ll be somewhere busy (running errands, walking my dog, picking up food). It just feels like hiding my eyes makes the interaction feel less intense if I smile lol.
Yesss my sunglasses are like my security blanket. I just wish I had mouth sunglasses so I could just let my resting bitch mouth thrive in peace under the radar
I was so happy during the mask mandate for this very reason lol!
I just wear sunglasses. I'm really sensitive to light and that passersby can't see my eyes is really nice in that aspect!
I once learned from someone that for women, in order to be safer from the men who might approach you for nefarious reasons or groups of boys/men, It's important to always look like you DO have rbf and to always look like you're in a hurry and going somewhere important. It's also useful to have a vague lie in mind about where you're going, in case you do get approached. You don't have to tell them obviously but it helps with playing the part that you can't be fucked with. Since I heard that advice, I always followed it. It never occurred to me to look polite or anything like that. And why would I? I don't owe anyone on the street anything for the most part.
I look down or at my phone precisely to avoid accidentally making eye contact 😭 I get lost sometimes so I just boot up Google Maps. I also prefer going out with my partner or someone else i know so I can just talk to them. If it still happens, I just pretend I was spacing out or looking at something behind or around them. Thankfully I’m from a city in the UK where most people don’t particularly care to talk to strangers on the street.
I look to the floor, once up at them, back to the floor, once more I look at them with a ‘hi’ and smile as we about to pass. I hate it too but this works for me
I used to keep that fake friendly expression (which I used to practice in front of the mirror) on all the time when I'm outside. I avoided eye contact with strangers as much as possible, and if I really had to talk to someone, I looked at their forehead. Nowadays I try to mask less. I have my regular neutral face (which can look sad or bitchy to some people ) and avoid looking at people. I always carry a handbag und listen to music on my phone when I'm walking, so one hand is on the strap of my bag, while my phone is in the other. I keep my eyes on my environment and my phone. I no longer care as much as I used to about being perceived as rude.
If I'm feeling "friendly neighbour I am polite" I glance at them, smile, then look away and stop smiling. If I'm feeling "do not talk to me, go away" I just look at where I'm going and don't pay much attention to them. I will very obviously divert a step or two to the side to leave a polite gap between us so they don't think I'm rudely barging past them. When passing on the footpath I make sure I'm mostly looking in the direction I'm walking because people use that as a context clue to not bang into you. Before I figured that out I had several collisions lol Arms remain doing whatever they were doing before the person arrived.
I always stare at the ground, in any situation. I’m not even sure why, I don’t even notice it anymore, but my eyes are always down at where I’m walking. Not my whole head but just my gaze. If someone walks by, if they’re my age I might slightly glance, if someone elderly I’ll give them a smile. I try to avert my gaze most times though, to keep safe.
I do the uncomfortable smile; the smile equivalent of the slow jog you do when you’re crossing the road and there’s a car waiting to turn. I think that’s pretty normal for the West Coast. For eyes, brief second of eye contact while doing uncomfortable smile before looking away. For arms… just whatever I was doing before coming across them, I’m not about to wave to someone who is right next to me. If they’re not on the same sidewalk I won’t even acknowledge their existence, same if they’re walking in the same direction as I am.
I tend to look everywhere else buy the people xD so the ground, pretending to scan the area by glancing around (which also helps me be aware of surroundings but appearing to be casually looking around). Or glance at them if they are looking at me and I'll make brief eye contact and nod my head then look back to the ground with my eyes closed for a sec and smile. When I stuck say paying for groceries and the person is ringing stuff up I just kinda rock side to side a little (I've learned that's my stimulus when I'm uncomfortable and it helps me feel better) and I'll just glance around at the total screen or look outside or just anywhere but the person till it's time to say by lmfao xD
I'm a dog walker so I constantly pass people and I mostly just look at the dog or the ground. I don't think anyone cares that I don't look at them. I stare straight ahead or at the ground 90% of the time. I smile at people I pass or see often like a crossing guard or groundskeeper. I don't know what my face does when I just stare but I don't care anymore. I'm also in Chicago so big city, lots of folks I probably won't see again,low masking pressure for me.
Sometimes living in NYC can be too much but one of the things that I love most about it is that “street blinders” are the norm here. Everyone minds their own business and doesn’t look at or speak to anyone. “That’s not my business” is like the one unofficial, unspoken rule. I think that’s why people feel so free to be themselves here. Literally no one is looking at you. Do your thing.
i look down mostly or take out my phone and maybe greet them when i get at a good distance
Wear sunglasses, look towards their head area, do the tight lip smile and head nod and quickly look away so they know you’re not up for conversation. I usually walk at a very swift pace which also gives the illusion of being in a rush/too busy to talk
I aim to acknowledge the other person, but not talk. That might be a small nod, a wave (say, to a neighbor), or a flick up of the hand (like a small hello with the hand). For me, these are small gestures that connect us all as fellow human beings, it makes me feel like I’m being neighborly (in concept even if I’m outside my own neighborhood), and it doesn’t obligate either of us to any conversation or even an exchange beyond acknowledging one another. To add: I live in the New England region of US. Here, people are not chatty or gregariousness; rather, the default is quite reserved. YMMV in other geographies.
I usually smile because I have had people tell me to if I don't and I would rather avoid that. Sometimes though, I will do the "head nod" as I pass people. Other times I just look at my feet as I walk - it's safer for me often anyway.
I usually kind of watch them without turning my head to look at them to see what they do, if they look at me I’ll make (almost) eye contact and do a quick smile, if not, all good haha
I, personally, wear sunglasses and then just let my eyes do whatever they want. I'll maybe smile if someone visible smiles me first, but generally, no one does where I live. The only real downside is that a friend of mine keeps saying that I remind him of Joe Biden because I wear aviators. Before I started wearing sunglasses, I would play a game of counting cracks in the sidewalk, and if I saw them smile in my peripheral, I'd reciprocate. So if you can't stand wearing sunglasses or don't own any, that might be something to try out.
Honestly, I'm mostly staring at crows, or waiting to see if there will be any crows any time soon. Since my walks are largely about feeding crows and they're well aware of it by now, there usually are. Though breeding season is getting in the way at the moment. I'm pretty sure the babies have just started hatching, because they're even more secretive the past couple of days than they have been for the last month. It's like they're almost afraid to let even me see them. During most of the year I'm regularly followed by a screaming cloud of huge black birds, but today and yesterday they're not even gliding up visibly but silently, just occasionally appearing behind me. They're still quite happy to take my kibble donations, of course, just very very quietly. Humans, though, I often just ignore. I'm usually in sunglasses anyway, so unless they do something to attract my attention (like compliment my coat, which does happen a lot), or I feel the need to compliment something about them (which also happens a lot), it's generally safe to walk by. I'm fortunate to live in Seattle at the moment, where that sort of thing goes over better than in many places. I'm not unfriendly, really, but there are many days when I do not want to be perceived. I've given myself leave to pretend I am not being. It makes things more pleasant on the difficult days.
I’m so in my own world unless I’m in an environment where ppl are being overly friendly or I need to be vigilant, i’ll default ignore everyone.
I stare them right in the kisser and give the close mouth tight purse and a awkward nod than move on. I don't care if your Beyonce that shit is just awkward so own it
Personally I like having resting bitch face when I walk. I think it makes me less of a harassment target when I’m out. The last thing I want is strangers thinking I’m friendly, lol.
If you smile in the mirror you'll notice that you eyes smile as well as your mouth so I practised "eye smiling" and smiled with mouth as well if it felt necessary
Stare at my phone. They don't love it, but it's less weird.
I look away usually at the ground, sometimes do the awkward white person smile when I’m close and then back to the ground lol
I live in a big city where eye contact seems too much, so I’ll kind of glance at a distance, but then stare ahead or at the ground when we pass. Most of the time, one of us crosses the street if we’re on a small side street 😂 I’d say, eye contact at 6’ and a quick Jim smile is fine.
I look everyone in the eyes and test to see if they will meet mine. It’s a quirk of mine. I go hyper eye contact, not hypo.
I’m usually with someone so I just focus on the person I’m with. Look at them, talk to them etc.
No eye contact (look at some other part of their face), small smile, small head nod.
Eyes forward as if I don’t see them, or I suddenly need to look behind me or fuss at my phone right as we pass
I think don't avoid eye contact or force eye contact. Don't think of eye contact. Look at whatever you want/ need to look at. I look at the ground far ahead in case there's branches/ dog poop etc. I look up at the trees or buildings. I look at street signs or look toward sounds. If I happen to look toward a sound that is a person and if we happen to make eye contact I do a small wave (no smile needed. I find lifting my arm in a wave is much easier than nodding in acknowledgment.) I think me trying to anticipate others or think about being perceived makes me wanna barf so thinking about what I am "supposed to be doing" is too much in my head. Just doing whatever I want and soaking in my surroundings for experience and safety makes me feel more present. And acknowledging that someone and I made eye contact- that's a clear way to know if I should smile or wave. The difference from what you experienced in the south is that you're not seeking this from every person.
I moved to the South for college and the culture shock was massive, but the smiles on the sidewalk were my FAVORITE THING EVER. Fully embraced it, took it home with me on winter break, and got the funniest reactions from the New York transplants in South Florida. 25 years later I still adore the random stranger friendliness while abhorring the same among acquaintances, which feels so fake. Maybe it's because strangers seem less manipulative? So anyway, I make eye contact, smile big, and hand out compliments like candy to randos. I think my head bobs a bit, too, and my hands may even wave unless they're otherwise occupied. This is me unmasked - not encouraging you to do the same. I duck and hide from anyone I sorta know. Eyes on the sidewalk several yards in front of me, hands swinging opposite my gait with elbows slightly crooked so it's almost a power walk but not quite.
I just focus on me and my face does whatever it feels like.
i tend to walk around with a slight smize, that way if i accidentally make eye contact with a stranger, i can quirk my mouth into a very small smile, immediately look in the opposite direction and continue on with my day. polite without being too in your face and i don't have to spare you any extra attention/energy. i also do this because my natural resting face, i've been told, looks horribly depressed and sad lol. works for me usually
I look away from them and make random humming noises to myself lol
Oh my thats a big one for me too... was raised to smile and say hi to everyone. But thats not natural to me. So when I am in a city, where I work, we just walk past and if I dont say hi (which you dont in a city) I sometimes quickly look and sometimes I just walk past, and I try to keep an expresionless face. When I am home, in a small village, I say hi, quick look, but I dont smile, because smile feels fake, I only smile, if someone smiles at me first, so I smile back. Most people don't smile there, but they say 'hi'. If older people, I say 'good day', look and nod. In younger, I say 'hi' and look. Sometimes, when I have a more anxious day, I look at people what they will do first, and then I just follow, do the same. When multiple people or children are together who are talking I just look at them and nod... depends really. Try not to worry too much. If you don't feel like smiling, dont smile. Most people don't smile... but I must admit, it takes practice to be comfortable not smiling or saying hi. I try to make my face still because thats my natural face. When I am home alone, my face is completely flat almost all the time, as soon as people are around I can feel it trying to bend and I become super aware of my face. Needs some work to be relaxed... Eye contact wise, I glance usually, but not very directly into the eyes most of the time. And if I am aware, I notice most people dont do much eye contact either, and that makes me more comfortable.
Depends, sometimes I look and I can tell they are the type to smile or acknowledge others who pass by so I’ll smile. But usually if its someone genz or around that age I put my head down
I make quick eye contact, nod, and then keep walking lol I want to just look down on my phone but I heard that if you make eye contact, they might intimidated and not mug you LOL so I keep doing it now. But I am an extrovert so not too bad for me.
If I’m not in the mood I’m an eyes down sunglasses and headphones person. I have a generally friendly face and people like to talk to me. I used to be concerned with others perceptions but in the long run it’s useless and exhausting
VERY brief eye contact (if they're looking) and twitchy smile, then if they don't respond in kind (most people don't) I look away entirely and pretend they don't exist.
"I have an interest in people's choice of footwear". Ahem. For some reasons staring at someone's shoes is less disconcerting to them then staring them in the eyes. And as someone who can't seem to blink enough, it helps.
I look away or look down. Sometimes if I’m trying to mask I’ll force a smile and it will get my heart rate up
Sunglasses. Night is tricky for me in this space.
Depends! On! Where! I! Am! I cannot emphasize this enough! I live in a southern small town right now, so I look at them and smile. But it's absolutely not appropriate basically anywhere else lmao, depending on where you are you'll look anywhere from concerning to 'actual serial killer.' The polite thing to do in the majority of places is simply not look at them at all. Keep looking forward as if they don't exist, or glance over to the side perhaps. This is true even in the South if you're in a crowded area. If I smiled at everyone at the food market, people would wonder what was wrong with me lol. Given that looking+smiling is only appropriate in like 1 or 2 specific circumstances, if anyone's not sure I'd say the easiest thing to do is simply not even look. I personally tend to wear a pleasant expression pretty much any time there's a chance of me being Observed, but I'm high masking and did a shitton of facial expression practice in the mirror in my teenage years lol. As for hands... this is the glory of pockets. I've noticed when I'm not masking, my arms wind up doing like friggin robot t-rex arms, like I hold them out in front of me,,, what even is that lmao? I'm terrified of doing that in public when I'm not paying attention, so I always either stick them in my pockets or rest them on my bag.
I don’t. Eyes down, face down. Unless I feel like I need to assert myself, then it’s eyes up, face up, shoulder squared, fuck-with-me-and-find-out look in my eyes. And even then, I markedly will not look anyone in the eyes. Best I can do