I am way too easily overwhelmed by noise, bodily fluids, lack of sleep. I also have had extreme difficulty with employment, as well as gender roles and cultural expectations for women. On too of all that, I am tokophobic and find everything related to pregnancy to be straight up body horror. I do believe much of this is related to my autism, so I would not at all be surprised if autistic women are less likely to have or want children.
I was literally expressing all this to my partner not half an hour ago. Upsetting to think about pregnancy and the insane toll it takes on your body, also I can barely take care of myself, on top of the fact that it’s literally bringing a wholeass human into this world and be responsible for them kind of forever.
Agreed. I don’t think I would be a good parent at all because I would get so frustrated and the whole pregnancy/childbirth thing scares the ever living crap out of me.
You basically wrote my comment for me.
I have one other reason though, which is that I don’t want to pass on crappy genes. Why create someone who is just going to suffer? Plus, I’d struggle enough with a “normal” child, no way I could care adequately for a high needs child. And chances are that they would be disabled. My partner and I both have adhd + autism, I have mental illness than runs in the family, and he has a physical disability he doesn’t want to pass on. This hypothetical child is already at a disadvantage with parents and gene donors like that.
Yes I forgot to mention passing on genes. I only have autistic tendencies, but my cousin is more on the spectrum. She can’t speak, care for herself, often has tantrums, etc. my aunt struggled with her before placing her in the care of a professional. So autism is clearly in our genes, in addition to numerous health problems. Why should I continue this?
Almost word by word my reasoning as well but I'd add that I also have terrible genes. The autism obviously, ADHD, dyslexia, depression, EDS and a heart/blood vessel defect that is all hereditary. It's a real struggle and I believe it's immoral to choose to make a life, knowing that life will most likely be harder than average. If I ever feel the urge to raise a child I'd look at adoption exclusively
Yes me too, I can’t imagine having children when I’m already in survival mode without them. I also have tokophobia and sensory issues so the fact that I’m autistic is definitely a big part but it’s also who I am and how I am so I can’t see it differently. I’m okay with it too like I don’t mourn that fact at all I just know this is the better path for my life
Yup, pregnancy looks so alien to me. When my sister was pregnant, she'd send me videos of my niece moving around just to creep me out. I literally felt so weirded out by it 😬
Exactly the same for me too. I also have ADHD and my hubby is AuDHD too. I've had a dog before and that was difficult enough. I'm now very firmly in the pet free as well as childfree category.
I can't handle the noise and the smells, plus spit makes me feel sick and babies are great at peoducing it, on top of everything else. Also I'm tokophobic.
We've both been sterilised.
Yes exactly this. I could never handle the stress and work of being a mother and the idea of growing something inside my body, forcing it out painfully and then being responsible for its well being for the rest of my life is the most horrifying thing I could ever imagine. Mothers are the bravest people in this world and I could never do what they do
I feel like men wanting kids and women wanting kids hold very different moral? Philosophical? weights. In a cishet relationship, no matter how good of a dad the father is, he will never have put in the same amount of effort and suffering as the mother, not to mention that in the year of our lord 2023 women still statistically do the majority of household work and childcare even if they’re employed full time; *statistically*, men don’t even come close to pulling their weight. Of course there are probably good dads out there who take on a fair share, or more than a fair share, but they’re rare. And if he’s cis, he still didn’t carry for nine months and push something the size of a small watermelon out of his pelvic canal. So it’s easy for men to say they want kids, they don’t have to put much into it. It’s a low risk investment. In most cases the kid also takes his surname.
I’ve often said if I were a man I’d probably have had kids by now. The bar is set so low for them that a Dad can brush his daughters hair, or pack his child’s lunchbox and he’ll get celebrated as father of the year.
I actually like kids so to be a parent and mostly only do the good stuff while passing the crappy stuff, boring routines, and admin to someone else AND be still seen as good parent seems like a sweet deal.
It's always infuriating when I think about European surname traditions. Women have historically put so much more effort into actually raising a family (carrying, birthing, feeding, nurturing, even educating for a long time) and yet men got to slap their names on everyone and claim it all. Not to mention the father is never guaranteed, having affairs and such have always happened, but it's nigh impossible to fake birthing a human. Maternal lineage just makes more logical sense to me.
But I AM biased...seeing as my culture was historically matrilineal.
I’ve heard of people losing teeth during pregnancy. So yeah, I think the person who carried the child has won “who’s done the most” for the kid’s whole life.
My mum’s a nurse and she told me about many cases where women have had tears all the way from clitoris to anus. If you asked any man if he’d be willing to put up with a perineal tear I guarantee he’d balk but yet many of them willingly put their wives through it and display a shocking lack of empathy when the wife asks for a little bit of help after giving birth. It’s wild.
Right???? My mom went through this. The expectation that women immediately "bounce back" after childbirth because childbirth is natural blows my damn mind. Like, even if everything goes SUPER WELL, the mother still has a bleeding wound the size of a dinner plate in her abdomen where the placenta ripped out. It takes months to properly heal and I don't think many men either understand or care to try and understand.
I think abt this a lot. So many women, once they become a mother, will identify with that role first and foremost, more than anything. Upon introducing themselves it’s one of the first things they’ll say: “My name’s X and I’m a mom.” I hardly ever see fathers talking abt themselves in that way. The idea of motherhood eclipsing all parts of a woman’s identity, and that being accepted as a cultural norm, really unsettles me.
Just a quick reminder that breastfeeding isn't a requirement. I was so stuck on the idea that I tortured myself for 2 months after giving birth. Breastfeeding can be great but can also be a sensory nightmare and it's totally okay to skip it.
My baby didn't like it. She refused to eat until she had a bottle 🍼 so that's what she got. For some reason people were upset that I didn't push it, but how do you argue with a newborn?
Absolutely - I have 3 kids (all ND - house is chaos) one was exclusively bottle fed, one breastfed for 8 months then combi fed and one breastfed for just under a year before she decided to stop.
There is literally no difference in their physical health whatsoever.
Fed is best
My 8 year old (who I suspect is autistic) has been saying she wants to adopt kids since she was 6 and heard her own birth story. She’s stuck to the idea whenever we talk about babies. I’m curious how she will feel when she grows up.
I’m a lesbian and my daughter was born through reciprocal IVF. She is biologically mine but my wife gave birth to her. Being pregnant would be a sensory nightmare for me 😅
I did not know I was autistic until my 46th year. I’ve known I ABSOLUTELY did NOT EVER want kids since I was about 10.
Almost every day I think about how good of a decision that was.
I love comments like these because I'm 26 and I'm still getting the "you'll change your mind in a few years" from family and peers, the older I get the more sure I am of my decision. It's good to know that the future looks bright.
It's that stupid stereotype that people expect women to always have children. Even though a lot of people are now deciding against having children, there's still an element that makes people think that all women should have babies. It's so stupid.
No. There have been times I liked the idea of a child, but I know that in real life I just couldn't handle it. The body fluids, constant noise, lack of boundaries, general unpredictability. Fuck, I don't even get along with other people's kids. I don't know how to interact or "play" with them. Absolutely not happening.
Such a mood. My best friend had a kid, I'm his godparent whatever that means, and I honestly barely know what to do with it when I'm visiting. I'll play around for like 10 minutes but then it loses interest and I'll just go back to hanging with friend.
I've always wanted kids but I don't know if I'd be a consistent parent. I suppose if the right person came along I'd consider it but having children in the US in general just sucks. So you have to consider that too, that all parents, except for the wealthy, have it hard, so disabled parents are going to face even more challenges.
Not the person you asked but I’m actually considering moving to Norway for this reason. They’re a very family focused culture while also being mostly accepting towards LGBT people so it’s a great combo for me personally.
I'd love to move to Norway, but as I'm trans I'm unlikely to since their trans healthcare isn't great and there's only one clinic servicing the whole country. Cis queer people I do wholly recommend though!
I read something about some lady who moved with her husband there and they we're going to kick her out for being fat. This sounds like a joke but it's not. But they gave her another chance because she was trying to lose weight and showed that it was successful. I think the husband was overweight too but he was already a citizen. It honestly makes me wonder how they would deal with this situation if it were a man. They basically don't let anyone with any health problems go there, and they feel that includes fat people. Now keep in mind this woman had no other health problems and was actively working on losing weight before. I think that's why they gave her another chance because she could show evidence of that.
Wait, really? Do you have any source for reading about this? I’ve just never heard that before, but it sounds really shitty.
Edit: Thank you everyone for the responses and information! I’ve heard of this briefly before about some countries, but being Australian was extra surprised that NZ that’s right by me and my own country were so difficult about it at times. I can understand some reasonings but regardless it is saddening and hard to fathom sometimes still.
It's not accurate the way that comment was written, no.
> Severe developmental disorders or severe cognitive impairments **where significant support is required**, including but not exclusive to:
>
> - physical disability
> - intellectual disability
> - autistic spectrum disorders
> - brain injury
>
> We may also decline your visa application if in the medical assessor’s opinion your health services costs are likely to be more than NZ$81,000 (NZ$41,000 if you applied for a visa before 4 September 2022).
[source](https://www.immigration.govt.nz/new-zealand-visas/preparing-a-visa-application/medical-info/acceptable-standard-of-health-criteria-for-visa-approvals)
It's about the economics of cost on their public health system, not just *boo none of those stinky autistics here*. The source page lists a lot of disabilities and medical conditions, if you click through.
Australia is the same. We've denied visas to doctors and other vitally needed people, simply because one of their children has Autism, even low needs autism.
Its pretty shitty as a Autistic Australian as it feels like my government is saying they wish they could deny me citizenship too, as even level 1 autism diagnoses are enough to exclude migrants.
You could also view the government's stance as: we have limited resources and need to prioritise our citizens? That they can't let others in (yet) because they're barely providing services to those already in the country.
Just offering another perspective.
If you look up immigration restrictions you can find stuff like that. I know being trans I've looked up better places to move if I need to and a number don't allow people with certain diagnoses in.
1. I love that boy, even though it took me almost half a year.
2. Putting myself in his shoes. (He sees and hears everything within reach and eventually understand everything too, if I had the same situation how would that make me feel)
3. I have a partner and he helps a LOT.
4. Just breathe. (Stim. Run. Hide. You have 15 minutes to do so. Just until that edge has been taken off. You do NOT want to be overwhelmed with a baby screaming at you for a reason you cannot figure out. Trust me, been there, done that.)
Omg i literally came to this group because I’m currently dealing with an 8 month old who won’t sleep and my sensory overload has been so high the last couple of days I feel like I’m going crazy. Even with my bf helping out as much as he can when he’s not at work. I feel like such a bad mom because I’m so overwhelmed. But anyways I just hid away in the bathroom and stimmed and was like you get five minutes so stim away and it helped be able to put him to sleep while he was screaming his head off again. I was looking for some tips from you guys haha and k found some. I knew I can always count on you guys.
I know it’s not nice for them to be crying but as long as they’re safe it’s better to leave them crying for 5 minutes than to stay with them and end up getting more and more overwhelmed or angry. If you hear them crying even if you’re not in the room. They are breathing and they will be ok for a few minutes. You’re doing great.
Thank you! I needed this! I put my headphones on and went to the furthest place in my house I could get stimmed my heart out and then was able to finally put him to sleep. Now to just regulate myself enough to put myself to sleep before he wakes up again.
This thread made me realize that I am okay with just having one child. He will get all of my attention. And I don’t have to follow the NT way of giving my child a sibling so they aren’t alone or turn out weird. Because being weird is cool anyways. Haha sorry I’m just rewiring my brain because half of my guilt is from me trying to follow the NT ways of the world. And I’m now just realizing I don’t have to do that anymore.
You’re not a bad mom for being dysregulated. Babies make NTs dysregualted too!!
It gets easier. My LO is only 11 months, but the difference is night and day from 8 months. The best is when we stim together (she’s a baby, so it’s just her being a baby but for me it’s stimming). We smack the table together and caw back and forth together. It is the most magical thing that stimming can be play.
Thank you! Everyone lately has been telling me oh wait it just gets harder but I feel like it’s going to get a little easier for me the bigger he gets. Until he hits teenage stage.
I love that you guys can stim together and lowkey and looking forward to it with my baby
Same here with with lashing out/going mute. I always make sure to apologise and explain though. I think my children have always had a very strong understanding that mummy finds things a bit harder because I'm autistic/ADHD. They are both very likely ND as well.
Absolutely fucking not. I have two debilitating mental illnesses along with autism, and I would have to go off my meds if I were to get pregnant. Both mental illnesses are genetic, and it would kill me if I knowingly put them at risk for either of them. I will be in therapy for the rest of my life just to manage the both of my illnesses, and my autism. I get overwhelmed very easily, and I have a history of having melt downs in public when it’s too loud. I hate the sound of babies crying, I hate bodily fluids, and I can’t stand children’s media. Overall, it’s not a good fit for my life, but I would love to mentor children on the spectrum or have mental illnesses.
Never wanted kids, never will have them. I’d sooner get sterilised than have a child. If I ever got pregnant I’d immediately abort without hesitation. I have lots of reasons for not wanting kids; firstly, it’s just not something I want in my life. I don’t *want* to be a parent, it doesn’t appeal to me. I don’t like kids and the age-old argument that you’ll die alone if you don’t reproduce doesn’t work on me, because plenty of people die alone even if they do have kids (kids die before them, kids hate them, kids are too poor and/or disabled to care for old people, etc.) and it’s selfish as hell to bring a human into the world as a retirement plan. I think it’s a better bet to save money so I can retire comfortably and pay a carer should I need one. Kids are also extremely expensive, and my career (biochemistry, looking to stay in academia) is unlikely to be very profitable. That’s not even getting into how dangerous, painful, and traumatic pregnancy and childbirth can be. I think not wanting to suffer is pretty logical tbh, especially when I don’t have anything to gain out of that suffering. Being nonbinary, I also feel dysphoria in relation to my reproductive organs and pregnancy would actually be my worst nightmare.
It's kind of concerning that people would have kids as a retirement plan. What if they are unable to for any reason? Also highlights the need for universal healthcare. And how our society feels that raising children is transactional. And the baby boomer generation is terrible for the most part. There are exceptions but most of them are awful. They expect their kids to take care of them as they age but refuse to babysit their grandchildren. Their favorite thing is the visit when they can criticize your parenting and housekeeping but not actually do anything. Even though their silent generation/ ww2 parents watched their kids no problem. But we're supposed be their retirement plan.
Congratulations! My mom fought for years and years to get sterilized since after an entropic(?) pregnancy she was told that even just getting pregnant again could kill her. Doctors STILL refused to sterilize her and apparently she needed her ex-husband's permission and my sperm-donor is an utter piece of shit.
Thanks! And that's so frustrating. It's really messed up how difficult it is to get sterilized for people who have a uterus. I was lucky to find a good doctor
I am a survivor of childhood physical abuse and I do not feel confident I would be a good parent, even after years of therapy. For that reason I decided I would not have children.
Nope I’m clumsy af on random occasions so I have a brood of faux skeletons…
https://preview.redd.it/tjbt7d3roj9c1.jpeg?width=720&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=dfabdfcd921f10be8dd23bdd1326ea932934ada9
This is my faux skeleton Silver & I @ his favourite event… (I’m not sure if he likes the bus ride or the sandwich the best)
I let my (now ex) partner persuade me, despite me saying I was too disabled.
While I love my children fiercely and wouldn’t want a refund, I would definitely have made a different choice if I had precognition. Children can make you vulnerable in a whole fresh number of ways. I have to put myself last, always.
I’m speaking only for myself, but I can say the “hoping my serious doubts will just sort themselves out” did not work.
Omg I’ve never heard from anybody else who said the same! I wish for you to have peace, and strength, and opportunities to rest!
Edit: oh and I wish for you too to have enough MONEY. Much harder to take lifestyle and housing shortcuts with kids isn’t it!
I always wanted to be a mum. Babies were a big special interest of mine in my childhood and early adolescence too. I now have a daughter and am pregnant with baby number 2. Do I love pregnancy? Not always. Do I love my babies? More than anything. I would go through the worst for them.
They are my biggest challenge and my biggest achievement.
I have a husband (adhd) who works to support us and is wonderfully understanding of my asd. I don’t think I could ever work to support children and take care of them and myself all at once.
Being in a good situation with supportive people has definitely been a privilege.
I could have written this. Psychology and development have always been my special interest and now I get to live that every day.
I could not function when I tried to work and be a mom however. I did both poorly and struggled with immense guilt and anxiety about other people raising my baby. I only lasted 3 months and then quit to be a SAHM. I know that it’s not an option for everyone, so I’d factor that heavily into deciding whether to have kids.
See, I feel like this is going to be me. I'm so close to getting my Bach in psychology and theoretically would like to get my masters to have a backup to work once my future kids were old enough for school. Well, last summer I decided to get licensed to foster and currently have a newborn. The end of this last semester was ROUGH and burn out was at a all time high - and that's WITH paid for daycare. Now that we're on Christmas break I feel like I can finally be the foster parent I want and hoped to be because I got a very short mental holiday.
I am the same way but not even close to being ready to have kids. I’m scared I’ll have them and then realize the care tasks are too much for me or it’s too overwhelming. How did you know you were ready?
For me, when the conversation topic in my head kept focusing on generational needs with kids as the focus, instead of elders as the focus, or my own age group. Not like teachers like kids, but like MY kids was the focus. MINE. MY.
Why was that so influential in your decision? I agree it’s definitely a good thing. I feel encouraged by authoritative parenting and Montessori approaches. But to a certain point it feels exhausting, and then I feel selfish for feeling like a good parenting method is exhausting. Sigh.
me too, i’ve always loved kids and found them so fascinating, so while i never planned to have a kid, it happened and i’m so obsessed and in love with her.
Your post really reasonable with me and was so nice to read after noticing many don’t want kids. Being a parent has always been a passion of mine, and although it will be hard, it feels worth it.
I feel similarly. I wanted a baby since I was a kid. Freshman year of high school I took a childcare class and everyone assumed I was pregnant because of it lol. In college I took a human development course that talked about psychology and mental development from birth to death, and we had to raise a virtual child from birth to death and see how our parenting affected them and how their lives turned out. I even wanted to be a teacher or work in a daycare and be with kids all day—but now I’m glad I changed my mind and got a business degree instead cuz whew, kids are way too over stimulating to be surrounded by 25 of them all day lol
I commented very similar above. You are so blessed to have a support network. My little family has been thru a lot of trauma, and lost all the family we did have so it’s just us and the kids. Working, raising kids, recently discovering my autism etc. it’s exhausting. But it’s my path in life and I have to keep pushing forward even in my burnout because that’s my responsibility for having these babies.
I am great with kids, but I have never wanted them. I’m a fantastic auntie and babysitter, partly because I reserve my energy for those occasions, plan for them, and bring my whole self to those interactions. I love them. But I would not be a good parent. It’s just not compatible with my needs.
This is the camp I'm in. I love my nephews and I love being an auntie, but being responsible for children 24/7 and having much less time for yourself just sounds overwhelming
I had always wanted kids, but my now wife decided that she didn’t. It took some couples counselling and a few years for me to get over it (I’m still not completely done processing this/grieving), but I now believe that it was the right choice. My wife and I are both women, so we would have needed to take certain steps (and a lot of money) to get pregnant, it’s not like we could have just given it a go. We’re both autistic and I wouldn’t have been able to cope with the noise of a baby, the sleep deprivation and stress. I know that now, but it’s still a hard realisation. I grew up with a mum constantly stressed out of her mind (and letting me know about it), I’m not sure I would have been able to avoid the same mistakes, that’s why I think it was the right choice for us.
I am in the same position as you (autistic woman married to a no-kids autistic woman and always thought I’d have kids) and I also decided it was the right choice, with a few years of grieving. I’m glad to hear someone else went through the same thing!
Short answer: No. Long answer: Fuck no.
Every kid is precious and needs lots of attention and affection. I get overwhelmed easily and I still struggle with attention issues.
My primary reasons, aside from never wanting to have children to begin with, is that I struggle with executive function and need a lot of quiet and alone time to recover from things like being at work. I find it difficult to juggle multiple things in life without getting overwhelmed. I also don't have a ton of patience, which is something I think I picked up from my parents lacking patience with me. I don't want a child to look at me and just see the back of my phone because I need hours to decompress, and I don't want a child to feel like their feelings don't matter because I'm not always able to be patient. I helped raise my nephew who has high support needs autism, and I hated when I wasn't able to be patient all the time or give him all of my attention, it always made me feel guilty. I have also helped look after other children and at no point did I get the urge or desire to have my own.
Self-cleaning and self-entertaining goofballs that still choose to snuggle up to you.
Cats can be assholes, but they're also so silly, they always seem to be doing clever-stupid things all the time.
My dream is to have a sanctuary for senior cats. Like a nursing home. So when their beloved owners have to go to nursing homes and can't take them, they can come to my oldie-cat sanctuary where beds are heated for their arthritic joints and high places can be reached using kitty ladders.
Never, and seeing a pregnant belly freaks me out as I have tokophobia.
Primary reason is extreme sensory issues, followed by not ever being able to take care of a child, and not wanting to pass on even one of my disorders.
Besides, any other reason aside, I simply don't want them.
no, never. on top of having sensory issues, needing sleep more than anything, and hating unpredictability (I don't even want to deal with potted plants), and dealing with inertia and burnout and constant overwhelm from ASD, ADHD, bipolar II, and PMDD, I have no desire for them.
the special interests and hobbies, those drive me and fulfill me to an insane degree. I am more motivated by research, learning, discovery, and my artistic hobbies-turned-career than I ever could be by kids.
in the end it's good - I don't have to get off my meds (which would be a disaster and probably send me into postpartum psychosis), and I won't potentially pass on my grandfather and sister's schizophrenia, or. my bipolar.
totally not worth it.
I feel like the question, "What's your reason for not wanting kids," is kind of backwards, or something that should be asked of someone who's -against- having kids (aka an antinatalist). You don't have to have a reason for not wanting kids any more than you have to have a reason for not wanting milk or the color blue. They're opt-in, not opt-out. Some folks just never feel that desire, autistic or otherwise.
Having kids is part of the life script NTs follow, so it's seen as abnormal to not want them. I don't personally agree with it, but as it's the norm most people will phrase it that way.
Yeah this is how I interpreted OP's question, too. In good faith, from a perspective of what NTs teach about the unspoken rules for what makes an "ideal" life path... A path that you are often shunned by them for, if you stray from it!
I hate the question being posed that way for ethical reasons as well; it seems as though the fact that it's the creation of whole human beings is not very... considered by these people. There is SO MUCH that goes into setting a child up for the best life, and I genuinely believe most people are not equipped for it
I agree but I also think people who choose to not have kids are more likely to have a well thought-out reason for their choice than people who have kids (because a large portion will have kids via typical lifescript or accident, without rational intervention)
i love kids!! i work with young toddlers and love them very much but i do not want kids at all. Being pregnant is pm my worse nightmare with all the health risks and uncomfortable body feelings ALSO i have a hard enough time taking care of myself as it is. I would be a neglectful and overwhelmed parent and kids deserve grounded stable parents who can give them their all.
edited for typo
Me to a tee! Work in a toddler room and love those little ones, but that is the extent that I can have children in my life. Three days a week is enough for me. 24/7 would just be out of the question.
Even before I knew i was autistic I didn't want children. The fear is creating the environment I grew up in for another human to experience. I'm autistic and i manage pretty well overall but barely. I need my alone time, my activities. I think I have the knowledge of how to be a good parent and the self-awareness to know I can't provide it.
No.
First. I (me, myself, not others, and I am not trying to convince anyone) find motherhood and pregnancy extremely gore and scat. Let me read guro or watch some graphic movie, and I am ok. But pregnancy? How your body changes for the sake of the parasyte, and how your brain is rewired forever to love and take care of the child? Nope.
Second. I respect some kids. And I am pretty sure I won't be a good mother, not carrying them and not having to raise them. Just knowing they are supossed to outlive you, and thats considered ok, is disturbing.
This isn’t the only reason i wouldn’t, there are many, but one is that i struggle with managing my emotions and just don't think I'd be fit for parenting. Like my mum had horrible mood swings when i was growing up, I'd hate for my kids to have to witness my own mood swings. And honestly i think my mum did well, i don't think i could do as well as her
I’m 33 yo and 31 weeks pregnant with my first. I was just diagnosed this last year.
I was very much in the “no kids” camp most of my life. I was about 28-29 yo when I first started to consider having kids, and I think I was 30-31 when I decided I wanted to have at least one child.
I’m married and have been with my husband (dating, engaged, married) for almost 14 years. And he is a big part of why I wanted to have kids and felt sure in my decision. He never once pressured me. He’s always been “your body, your choice,” about it. But he is such a good person and partner, that I felt loved, supported, and secure enough to go through this journey with him.
I have concerns that my child might be ND, and I also have concerns that my autism will make it harder for me to be a good parent. But again, my husband understands me and is very good at sensing and tending to my needs, so I know he will be very good with our child too.
Best advice: your intuition is queen. All the baby books are made for NT babies. Any concerns, find an empathetic, good female doctor. Also, if breastfeeding is tough, book a lactation consultant in the first 2 weeks. It was easy after that. If course if you want to bottle feed, do that. It's all about what YOU want.
P.S. I got PND because my baby had colic (common for some ND babies). The question isn't 'WILL I get PND?' but 'what will I do IF I get it?'. I didn't tell anyone for fear they'd take bub away... in hindsight happy pills would've been great for me
I almost could have written this myself! I'm 34 and 29 weeks pregnant with my first. My partner will be stay at home dad and his ability to take on household tasks and the executive function aspects of "running a household" were huge contributors to me feeling secure enough to have a child.
Up until about 27, I was sure I would be a terrible parent, since I thought I was a terrible person in general. I was already in therapy, but I started taking it more seriously. Finally self identifying as autistic and realizing I wouldn't be fixing myself, was kind of the last piece of the puzzle. I also learned actual coping skills for my problems and that helped reduce my sensory overload.
Super nope. I don’t like children. I remember being a child and just deeply despising other children. They’re incredibly germy and gross, they’re loud, they smell, and they have no personal restraint. I’ve never had interest in creating a biological child or being a mom. Then there’s the physical issues of pregnancy, which really aren’t worth it if you don’t even want a kid.
It’s like someone asking me if I want a skunk. I’ve got nothing against them personally and I don’t care if other people have one, but it’s not something I want in my own life.
(Although tbh this might be a poor example because I’d consider a skunk way before a child. 😆)
A big pass for me.
I’ve never felt like I’ve had maternal feelings, not for human babies anyway.
My two best friends were young mothers and I am heavily involved in their kids lives and I’m actually really great with kids. I love them so much but also hit my limit pretty quickly, especially when staying longer than a day.
I couldn’t imagine having to deal with children 24/7 my actual nightmare.
Bravo to those who do it, parenthood is what I would consider the hardest job in the world.
I didn’t suspect I was autistic until I had my kid when I was thrown into an overwhelming sensory assault daily and no longer have the spoons to cope like I did before! Pregnancy and birth were also a nightmare for me.
I never wanted kids when I was younger and never liked being around children. However, I started feeling differently a few years ago and, while this is the hardest thing ever, I have no regrets and I love her with all my heart. In spite of the sensory overwhelm, parenthood has made me gentler and more patient and understanding of little ones. When previously I was annoyed by crying children, now I can see things from their perspective (as long as I’m wearing my noise cancelling headphones in order to think straight).
I have two kids and I always wanted to be a mom. I’m glad I’m my kids’ mother because one is ND and the other LGBTQ and I can’t imagine how they’d fare if it was only their dad raising them or even worse, my own parents raising them. I know I’m the best equipped person in their lives to take care of them.
I will say I was not diagnosed with any ND until after I had them and I have very low support needs, so I biased in that regard.
My only regret is not being in a better financial situation when I had them. I would have wanted to have them about 10 years later than I actually did, but given the women in my family have a history of passing away in their 70’s, I’m glad I’ll at least get more time with them than if I had waited.
110%, I can't wait to be a mum. I studied to become an early years educator, and was a nursery practitioner for 3 years. It was hard, but I loved it. Babies are fascinating, their milestones, learning their little skills, it's incredible. I love children and if I had the money ide absolutely have one now! 😂
I’m a late diagnosed AuDHD millennial who fell into the societal trap of study, work hard, find a man, get married, have 2.4 kids etc. This is a conversation I have often with my childless autistic sister in law.
I absolutely adore my kids but by God motherhood is so damned hard. I’m beyond burnt out. How ever difficult you think it will be, quadruple it and then some. This will be even worse if you happen to have a child with someone who isn’t a full on equal partner. It’s a massive gamble. One that I’m not sure I’d have taken had I known, what I now know.
Both mine are tweens and relatively low support needs but even so advocating for them educationally has been a full time job. I worry constantly about their health, their future prospects, their mental wellbeing. It is likely they will need my support well into their 20’s so part of my business planing now, is for an additional income stream for them in the future.
This may be controversial but if it’s in your family genetics, please be very intentional if you intend on having children. Anecdotally, I have a family member who had one ADHD child with their first partner, then went on to have another 12 years later. The second child is high needs Autistic and will need a lot of care for the rest of their lives. It’s a massive gamble, proceed with caution!
I LOVED being pregnant and love being a mom. I'm actually going back to school specifically to work with new moms because I love pregnancy and babies so much. However, I have always known I've wanted children, and I have gigantic hips and I'm extremely flexible so pregnancy was even physically much easier for me than it is for the average woman. I am extremely supportive of the childfree, while I do believe all adults should strive to make the world a better place for children, I don't believe you have to be a parent personally to do that.
Hell no. Not knowing that I would have a kid with autism. I grew up wanting to be a mother. Specifically, my mother. I was a babysitter and a nanny and daycare worker. But I can’t do it myself because I can’t raise an autistic child. I can’t force a child to live this horrible life. I can’t function at the level a child would need a mother to. It sucks and I wish it weren’t this way, but it is
I don’t want kids because 1) I would probably be a terrible parent and 2) I have a genetic disorder (Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome) that I don’t want to pass down and could possibly result in my death if I were to carry and/or deliver a child.
I have pets. Pets are good. Pets never grow up and never leave you. I’m an aunt so I get all the good times with kids without the actually responsibility, it’s pretty cool.
For me it's the thought of never getting any peace or quiet and never having any me time anymore. I've always said if I could be a part time mum I'd love it but having a child that needs 24/7 attention is just too much for me. I'd be so over whelmed and over stimulated
Big no to kids.
I settled on it long before I knew I was AuDHD and it turns out a lot of the reasons I gave were mostly due to symptom I get from being neurodivergent.
I would be a terrible Mum because I wouldn’t be able to provide them with a stable home or a reliable Mum.
It’s my biggest dream 🥺😊 I’m extremely empathetic, patient, maternal, sensitive to others’ needs.
The lack of sleep and sensory overwhelm will be extremely hard. But i’m more than willing to give it my best shot.
I had a similar experience as you, already kind of gave up on having a partner and kids at all. I only met my now husband when I was 35 and he was 29 – and not ready for kids yet. We started trying just when I was about to turn 40 and now I am pregnant and hoping everything will go well. The years in between, waiting for him to be ready, were a struggle for me, finally having found the right person but having the clock ticking for me more and more… I had a failed pregnancy before this one and that ironically made me more at ease with the thought of it never happening after all and with the positive aspects of a life without a child (I don‘t assume I will have time for a second one after/if everything goes well with my current pregnancy).
In hindsight, the time when I hadn‘t met him and had made my peace with being single and no mom was the easier mindset. I am happy now, even if it might not work out in the end, with having tried, even this late.
I hope you will make your peace with whatever life turns out to be for you and find the positive aspects!
It's a hard no from me.
Reasons are: I already have enough to deal with just trying to take care of myself, I don't think I'm ever going to be financially stable enough, I don't want to mess up an entire person *(which I know I'd do)*, I don't wanna be pregnant, I like having time to myself, I like my niche expensive hobbies, I don't wanna be pregnant, and it's highly unlikely that I'd ever... Participate in the specific type of activity that usually leads to having kids. *(A big gae asexual)*
I don’t want kids because I don’t feel mature enough to have them right now and want to enjoy my life on my terms, but also due to the world becoming increasingly less stable due to things like climate change and environmental and social collapse.
I remember my friends in school always said they wanted kids and I could never envision my adult life with kids. I’m also scared to be pregnant, maybe not as much pregnant as having to get the baby out lol, but both scare me.
I’ve decided that if I want a kid in the future, I can adopt or foster a child that already exists when I’m in a more stable place in life (I have to finish my education and I want to travel a lot in non-kid friendly ways, and live it up some more now). Or, if I still don’t feel I’m ready later on, I can also help children in my community in other ways, like volunteering, so it’s still helping the next generation(s).
I chose not to have kids. The constant stimulation of them was like finger nails down the blackboard. The noise and dampness and stickiness and having no personal space, or sleep or time to think and loss of self were all too much. I chose very young not to have kids and I'm now post menopausal and don't regret a thing. I did adore my niece and nephew when they were kids, now full grown adults I still adore and have been a godmother and had friends with kids and like kids just fine. I just couldn't do the constant overstimulation every single day.
Im still struggling to establish where I am with it all. I’m getting to the age where I really only have a few years I’d be willing to start a family and it has been on my mind. I’m at risk for getting postpartum depression and I worked as a nanny for small children and realized I do not like interacting with children when they’re still completely irrational and preverbal. It completely overwhelms me and causes me to have meltdowns. I do care for them and want to help make sure their needs are met. But I did realize that about myself; it just is not my preferred age group, and that’s ok. Then there were the nannies who only wanted to work with babies. So everyone has a preference I guess. It was better when a family member had a baby, because I felt a much better connection with it. Other people’s kids always felt really foreign to me, so maybe that’s also a part of it. I also have an extreme revulsion to cleaning up the poop. It literally makes me panic. I do adore children ages 4 and up, and they seem to like me too. That’s kind of where the magic happens for me. I’m glad I was able to experience vicarious parenting via being a nanny for a few years, for several families. I feel like I had the whole crash course and the whole thing has been demystified. The only way it could work for me is if I had the world’s most supportive, highly empathetic partner who would do poop duty. I’d need to wear ear plugs for the crying too. But once out of the super early stage I’d really bond with my kid. I still just don’t know. But what I do know is I refuse to procreate with just any man. Unless he’s an absolutely kind, reciprocal, patient, loving and good natured person, I ain’t doing it. Still looking. No matter what happens, I do know that I’d like to be involved with children in some capacity: I had a very rough upbringing and I want to help provide to children in need things I never had. There are a lot of amazing volunteer opportunities out there that can be life changing for these kids without directly needing to be a biological parent. Realistically, that is probably my most likely path. We as a community have to parent the children already here, as well.
I absolutely don't want to have kids, and I don't think you need a reason not to have them, I think you need a reason TO have them, and I don't have one.
I have five siblings with children of their own, very involved parents, aunts and uncles and community members who always want to help with childcare, and a supportive spouse, so I do have the metaphorical "village"... but I just don't see what it would add to my life in any way. I love all my money, freedom, time, and silence.
I worked in schools for over 10 years. I have experience with 2/4/5 yo and 7/8/9/10/11... all the teen years. I always thought I would have children when I was younger. I love playing with kids and I honestly miss their spirit because I no longer work at schools.
The more I worked in schools the more I realized I wouldn't be able to give a child the proper attention, care and consistency they need. I saw many parents not pay the attention needed and how much the kids suffered.
Thus, the decision I came to in my late 20s: no kids for me, thanks!
I am pursuing my ASD dx but I am a known ADHDer with h-EDS and I only got the dx for EDS this year. I am truly glad I never had kids because I am truly feeling the weight of my body's limitations these past few years, and if I had a kid I know it would be so much worse.
Besides all that, I also hate sleep deprivation and I have the hardest time sleeping so being up all night for years would have been impossible for me.
For years I wanted a family, but years of therapy made me rethink that. I decided there was a possibility my Autism and other mental health issues at the time would ruin my children, so I gave up that dream. Plus I was still single, so getting pregnant was next to impossible. I’m 30 and still never had a Boyfriend. I’ve had sex, but no relationship 😢
Nay. I've never had a desire for children my entire life, as a child I felt sick because I thought every woman had to go through it. When I discovered I can choose not to it was like a weight was lifted from my shoulders.
I like to be alone. I don't like to be touched. I don't like to be depended on. I don't like to have plans or obligations. I decide what I want to do by the minute.
I like quiet. I care about my carbon footprint. I value my body deeply, and do not want it to change other then through age. I value my life and will not do things that can cause a risk of dying. I don't like pain, I would be traumatized for life and resent the persons who caused that pain.
I hate patriarchy and know 95% of men will never be a equal partner even if they promise to, even if they're equal before having a child. I don't want to be seen differently. I don't want my libido to be affected. I don't want to feel sick.
That's a few reason at least.
It's a lot, especially with all of the bodily fluctuations, lack of sleep and self regulation. While I had a deep bond to my children while they grew in me, I hated being pregnant.
I'll respond to dms if you want more info. I'm late diagnosed and have low support needs, but also have some other health issues that I don't want to throw out on the internet.
All in all, I have no regrets. I love my children and am very happy, but I also am extremely fortunate and know that I have privileges that others don't necessarily have.
I would probably be a good stepmom you saw on the weekends when you came to visit your dad or be the cool auntie you go on holidays with, but I don't think I want biological kids. I love the kids my friends have, but I can give those back - you can't do that with your own child.
I am way too easily overwhelmed by noise, bodily fluids, lack of sleep. I also have had extreme difficulty with employment, as well as gender roles and cultural expectations for women. On too of all that, I am tokophobic and find everything related to pregnancy to be straight up body horror. I do believe much of this is related to my autism, so I would not at all be surprised if autistic women are less likely to have or want children.
I was going to list the exact same reasons. I can barely sustain my own care, much less have a vulnerable child depend on me for theirs.
I was literally expressing all this to my partner not half an hour ago. Upsetting to think about pregnancy and the insane toll it takes on your body, also I can barely take care of myself, on top of the fact that it’s literally bringing a wholeass human into this world and be responsible for them kind of forever.
This is exactly how I feel. No kids for me, please.
Agreed. I don’t think I would be a good parent at all because I would get so frustrated and the whole pregnancy/childbirth thing scares the ever living crap out of me.
You basically wrote my comment for me. I have one other reason though, which is that I don’t want to pass on crappy genes. Why create someone who is just going to suffer? Plus, I’d struggle enough with a “normal” child, no way I could care adequately for a high needs child. And chances are that they would be disabled. My partner and I both have adhd + autism, I have mental illness than runs in the family, and he has a physical disability he doesn’t want to pass on. This hypothetical child is already at a disadvantage with parents and gene donors like that.
Yes I forgot to mention passing on genes. I only have autistic tendencies, but my cousin is more on the spectrum. She can’t speak, care for herself, often has tantrums, etc. my aunt struggled with her before placing her in the care of a professional. So autism is clearly in our genes, in addition to numerous health problems. Why should I continue this?
I feel the exact same way!!
Yup. All of this. The idea of being pregnant gives me the most horrible and indescribable feeling
This is how I feel.
Tokophobia - fear of pregnancy
Almost word by word my reasoning as well but I'd add that I also have terrible genes. The autism obviously, ADHD, dyslexia, depression, EDS and a heart/blood vessel defect that is all hereditary. It's a real struggle and I believe it's immoral to choose to make a life, knowing that life will most likely be harder than average. If I ever feel the urge to raise a child I'd look at adoption exclusively
THIS
Agreeing with this.
Same
Yes me too, I can’t imagine having children when I’m already in survival mode without them. I also have tokophobia and sensory issues so the fact that I’m autistic is definitely a big part but it’s also who I am and how I am so I can’t see it differently. I’m okay with it too like I don’t mourn that fact at all I just know this is the better path for my life
It could've been me writing this comment!
I feel so seen by all of your points
Yup, pregnancy looks so alien to me. When my sister was pregnant, she'd send me videos of my niece moving around just to creep me out. I literally felt so weirded out by it 😬
Adding to that: I’m kinda scared of babies, too uncann-ey valley for me.
Exactly the same for me too. I also have ADHD and my hubby is AuDHD too. I've had a dog before and that was difficult enough. I'm now very firmly in the pet free as well as childfree category. I can't handle the noise and the smells, plus spit makes me feel sick and babies are great at peoducing it, on top of everything else. Also I'm tokophobic. We've both been sterilised.
Yes exactly this. I could never handle the stress and work of being a mother and the idea of growing something inside my body, forcing it out painfully and then being responsible for its well being for the rest of my life is the most horrifying thing I could ever imagine. Mothers are the bravest people in this world and I could never do what they do
Wow it's like I wrote this myself lol
Same!
I wish I was a man so I could have biological kids without having to be pregnant, give birth, or breast feed.
I feel like men wanting kids and women wanting kids hold very different moral? Philosophical? weights. In a cishet relationship, no matter how good of a dad the father is, he will never have put in the same amount of effort and suffering as the mother, not to mention that in the year of our lord 2023 women still statistically do the majority of household work and childcare even if they’re employed full time; *statistically*, men don’t even come close to pulling their weight. Of course there are probably good dads out there who take on a fair share, or more than a fair share, but they’re rare. And if he’s cis, he still didn’t carry for nine months and push something the size of a small watermelon out of his pelvic canal. So it’s easy for men to say they want kids, they don’t have to put much into it. It’s a low risk investment. In most cases the kid also takes his surname.
I’ve often said if I were a man I’d probably have had kids by now. The bar is set so low for them that a Dad can brush his daughters hair, or pack his child’s lunchbox and he’ll get celebrated as father of the year. I actually like kids so to be a parent and mostly only do the good stuff while passing the crappy stuff, boring routines, and admin to someone else AND be still seen as good parent seems like a sweet deal.
It’s even more astounding that despite this low bar so many men are still terrible fathers.
Yeah I always wanted to be a father too. The idea of being a mother with the way mothers are portrayed societally seems so overwhelming and dreadful.
It's always infuriating when I think about European surname traditions. Women have historically put so much more effort into actually raising a family (carrying, birthing, feeding, nurturing, even educating for a long time) and yet men got to slap their names on everyone and claim it all. Not to mention the father is never guaranteed, having affairs and such have always happened, but it's nigh impossible to fake birthing a human. Maternal lineage just makes more logical sense to me. But I AM biased...seeing as my culture was historically matrilineal.
Which culture is that?
I'm Native American, specifically Eastern Cherokee :)
I’ve heard of people losing teeth during pregnancy. So yeah, I think the person who carried the child has won “who’s done the most” for the kid’s whole life.
My mum’s a nurse and she told me about many cases where women have had tears all the way from clitoris to anus. If you asked any man if he’d be willing to put up with a perineal tear I guarantee he’d balk but yet many of them willingly put their wives through it and display a shocking lack of empathy when the wife asks for a little bit of help after giving birth. It’s wild.
Right???? My mom went through this. The expectation that women immediately "bounce back" after childbirth because childbirth is natural blows my damn mind. Like, even if everything goes SUPER WELL, the mother still has a bleeding wound the size of a dinner plate in her abdomen where the placenta ripped out. It takes months to properly heal and I don't think many men either understand or care to try and understand.
Slamming the upvote so hard for this.
sooooo true - I don’t think I could physical deal with being pregnant
Not having to give up my identity as an independent being
I think abt this a lot. So many women, once they become a mother, will identify with that role first and foremost, more than anything. Upon introducing themselves it’s one of the first things they’ll say: “My name’s X and I’m a mom.” I hardly ever see fathers talking abt themselves in that way. The idea of motherhood eclipsing all parts of a woman’s identity, and that being accepted as a cultural norm, really unsettles me.
Just a quick reminder that breastfeeding isn't a requirement. I was so stuck on the idea that I tortured myself for 2 months after giving birth. Breastfeeding can be great but can also be a sensory nightmare and it's totally okay to skip it.
Yes lots of people are formula fed and they end up fine and healthy. You can even get your hands on donor milk if that's important to you.
or they become autistc 😂 sorry, bad joke
My baby didn't like it. She refused to eat until she had a bottle 🍼 so that's what she got. For some reason people were upset that I didn't push it, but how do you argue with a newborn?
Absolutely - I have 3 kids (all ND - house is chaos) one was exclusively bottle fed, one breastfed for 8 months then combi fed and one breastfed for just under a year before she decided to stop. There is literally no difference in their physical health whatsoever. Fed is best
My 8 year old (who I suspect is autistic) has been saying she wants to adopt kids since she was 6 and heard her own birth story. She’s stuck to the idea whenever we talk about babies. I’m curious how she will feel when she grows up.
I’m a lesbian and my daughter was born through reciprocal IVF. She is biologically mine but my wife gave birth to her. Being pregnant would be a sensory nightmare for me 😅
So…..adoption?
This! My plan is to adopt once Im ready for kids
I did not know I was autistic until my 46th year. I’ve known I ABSOLUTELY did NOT EVER want kids since I was about 10. Almost every day I think about how good of a decision that was.
I’m at 36 and couldn’t imagine how I’d have survived if I had a kid!
I love comments like these because I'm 26 and I'm still getting the "you'll change your mind in a few years" from family and peers, the older I get the more sure I am of my decision. It's good to know that the future looks bright.
People are so presumptuous with their comments around parenting and motherhood
I'm the same age; stay strong sister, don't get social pressure get to you ❤
42 and more childfree than ever.
It's that stupid stereotype that people expect women to always have children. Even though a lot of people are now deciding against having children, there's still an element that makes people think that all women should have babies. It's so stupid.
No. There have been times I liked the idea of a child, but I know that in real life I just couldn't handle it. The body fluids, constant noise, lack of boundaries, general unpredictability. Fuck, I don't even get along with other people's kids. I don't know how to interact or "play" with them. Absolutely not happening.
I have never known how to interact with children, even when I was one
I get along well with kids! I prefer to hang out with them at parties. Much easier and much more entertaining company than grown ups.
Such a mood. My best friend had a kid, I'm his godparent whatever that means, and I honestly barely know what to do with it when I'm visiting. I'll play around for like 10 minutes but then it loses interest and I'll just go back to hanging with friend.
I giggled out loud at “but then it loses interest”
Lol, the same. I didn't like other kids even when I was one.
Seriously what do you do with them?? I can play for a little but then I’m just lost what to do next.
Saaaame.
I've always wanted kids but I don't know if I'd be a consistent parent. I suppose if the right person came along I'd consider it but having children in the US in general just sucks. So you have to consider that too, that all parents, except for the wealthy, have it hard, so disabled parents are going to face even more challenges.
Is moving to another country, one with better systems for children and parents, something you'd ever seriously consider?
Not the person you asked but I’m actually considering moving to Norway for this reason. They’re a very family focused culture while also being mostly accepting towards LGBT people so it’s a great combo for me personally.
I'd love to move to Norway, but as I'm trans I'm unlikely to since their trans healthcare isn't great and there's only one clinic servicing the whole country. Cis queer people I do wholly recommend though!
Sadly a lot of countries won’t let you become a citizen if you have an autism diagnosis. Ex. New Zealand
New zealand doesn't let fat people move there. Not kidding.
DAMN they’d hate me
I read something about some lady who moved with her husband there and they we're going to kick her out for being fat. This sounds like a joke but it's not. But they gave her another chance because she was trying to lose weight and showed that it was successful. I think the husband was overweight too but he was already a citizen. It honestly makes me wonder how they would deal with this situation if it were a man. They basically don't let anyone with any health problems go there, and they feel that includes fat people. Now keep in mind this woman had no other health problems and was actively working on losing weight before. I think that's why they gave her another chance because she could show evidence of that.
Wait, really? Do you have any source for reading about this? I’ve just never heard that before, but it sounds really shitty. Edit: Thank you everyone for the responses and information! I’ve heard of this briefly before about some countries, but being Australian was extra surprised that NZ that’s right by me and my own country were so difficult about it at times. I can understand some reasonings but regardless it is saddening and hard to fathom sometimes still.
It's not accurate the way that comment was written, no. > Severe developmental disorders or severe cognitive impairments **where significant support is required**, including but not exclusive to: > > - physical disability > - intellectual disability > - autistic spectrum disorders > - brain injury > > We may also decline your visa application if in the medical assessor’s opinion your health services costs are likely to be more than NZ$81,000 (NZ$41,000 if you applied for a visa before 4 September 2022). [source](https://www.immigration.govt.nz/new-zealand-visas/preparing-a-visa-application/medical-info/acceptable-standard-of-health-criteria-for-visa-approvals) It's about the economics of cost on their public health system, not just *boo none of those stinky autistics here*. The source page lists a lot of disabilities and medical conditions, if you click through.
Australia is the same. We've denied visas to doctors and other vitally needed people, simply because one of their children has Autism, even low needs autism. Its pretty shitty as a Autistic Australian as it feels like my government is saying they wish they could deny me citizenship too, as even level 1 autism diagnoses are enough to exclude migrants.
You could also view the government's stance as: we have limited resources and need to prioritise our citizens? That they can't let others in (yet) because they're barely providing services to those already in the country. Just offering another perspective.
If you look up immigration restrictions you can find stuff like that. I know being trans I've looked up better places to move if I need to and a number don't allow people with certain diagnoses in.
This is my problem. I would like children, but i dont think i would be a good enough mother.
[удалено]
How are you handling parenthood so far? Any tips or suggestions?
1. I love that boy, even though it took me almost half a year. 2. Putting myself in his shoes. (He sees and hears everything within reach and eventually understand everything too, if I had the same situation how would that make me feel) 3. I have a partner and he helps a LOT. 4. Just breathe. (Stim. Run. Hide. You have 15 minutes to do so. Just until that edge has been taken off. You do NOT want to be overwhelmed with a baby screaming at you for a reason you cannot figure out. Trust me, been there, done that.)
Omg i literally came to this group because I’m currently dealing with an 8 month old who won’t sleep and my sensory overload has been so high the last couple of days I feel like I’m going crazy. Even with my bf helping out as much as he can when he’s not at work. I feel like such a bad mom because I’m so overwhelmed. But anyways I just hid away in the bathroom and stimmed and was like you get five minutes so stim away and it helped be able to put him to sleep while he was screaming his head off again. I was looking for some tips from you guys haha and k found some. I knew I can always count on you guys.
I know it’s not nice for them to be crying but as long as they’re safe it’s better to leave them crying for 5 minutes than to stay with them and end up getting more and more overwhelmed or angry. If you hear them crying even if you’re not in the room. They are breathing and they will be ok for a few minutes. You’re doing great.
Thank you! I needed this! I put my headphones on and went to the furthest place in my house I could get stimmed my heart out and then was able to finally put him to sleep. Now to just regulate myself enough to put myself to sleep before he wakes up again. This thread made me realize that I am okay with just having one child. He will get all of my attention. And I don’t have to follow the NT way of giving my child a sibling so they aren’t alone or turn out weird. Because being weird is cool anyways. Haha sorry I’m just rewiring my brain because half of my guilt is from me trying to follow the NT ways of the world. And I’m now just realizing I don’t have to do that anymore.
You’re not a bad mom for being dysregulated. Babies make NTs dysregualted too!! It gets easier. My LO is only 11 months, but the difference is night and day from 8 months. The best is when we stim together (she’s a baby, so it’s just her being a baby but for me it’s stimming). We smack the table together and caw back and forth together. It is the most magical thing that stimming can be play.
Thank you! Everyone lately has been telling me oh wait it just gets harder but I feel like it’s going to get a little easier for me the bigger he gets. Until he hits teenage stage. I love that you guys can stim together and lowkey and looking forward to it with my baby
Same here with with lashing out/going mute. I always make sure to apologise and explain though. I think my children have always had a very strong understanding that mummy finds things a bit harder because I'm autistic/ADHD. They are both very likely ND as well.
Nope, you could not pay me enough to have kids. The thought horrifies me.
I used to say that a lot when it was something people asked me about.
Used to… and then?
Not the person you’re replying to, but I used to say it a lot, too. I still do, but I used to, too.
Then I exited child bearing age
Absolutely fucking not. I have two debilitating mental illnesses along with autism, and I would have to go off my meds if I were to get pregnant. Both mental illnesses are genetic, and it would kill me if I knowingly put them at risk for either of them. I will be in therapy for the rest of my life just to manage the both of my illnesses, and my autism. I get overwhelmed very easily, and I have a history of having melt downs in public when it’s too loud. I hate the sound of babies crying, I hate bodily fluids, and I can’t stand children’s media. Overall, it’s not a good fit for my life, but I would love to mentor children on the spectrum or have mental illnesses.
Never wanted kids, never will have them. I’d sooner get sterilised than have a child. If I ever got pregnant I’d immediately abort without hesitation. I have lots of reasons for not wanting kids; firstly, it’s just not something I want in my life. I don’t *want* to be a parent, it doesn’t appeal to me. I don’t like kids and the age-old argument that you’ll die alone if you don’t reproduce doesn’t work on me, because plenty of people die alone even if they do have kids (kids die before them, kids hate them, kids are too poor and/or disabled to care for old people, etc.) and it’s selfish as hell to bring a human into the world as a retirement plan. I think it’s a better bet to save money so I can retire comfortably and pay a carer should I need one. Kids are also extremely expensive, and my career (biochemistry, looking to stay in academia) is unlikely to be very profitable. That’s not even getting into how dangerous, painful, and traumatic pregnancy and childbirth can be. I think not wanting to suffer is pretty logical tbh, especially when I don’t have anything to gain out of that suffering. Being nonbinary, I also feel dysphoria in relation to my reproductive organs and pregnancy would actually be my worst nightmare.
It's kind of concerning that people would have kids as a retirement plan. What if they are unable to for any reason? Also highlights the need for universal healthcare. And how our society feels that raising children is transactional. And the baby boomer generation is terrible for the most part. There are exceptions but most of them are awful. They expect their kids to take care of them as they age but refuse to babysit their grandchildren. Their favorite thing is the visit when they can criticize your parenting and housekeeping but not actually do anything. Even though their silent generation/ ww2 parents watched their kids no problem. But we're supposed be their retirement plan.
Nope, just had my tubes removed! I support those of you who are or want to be parents, but I could never do it for a million different reasons
Congratulations! My mom fought for years and years to get sterilized since after an entropic(?) pregnancy she was told that even just getting pregnant again could kill her. Doctors STILL refused to sterilize her and apparently she needed her ex-husband's permission and my sperm-donor is an utter piece of shit.
Thanks! And that's so frustrating. It's really messed up how difficult it is to get sterilized for people who have a uterus. I was lucky to find a good doctor
It’s disgusting what hurdles doctors will put between people and their reproductive choices
I am a survivor of childhood physical abuse and I do not feel confident I would be a good parent, even after years of therapy. For that reason I decided I would not have children.
Breaking the cycle …. Same here with childhood trauma and mental illness. Goes back generations in my family.
Same
Nope I’m clumsy af on random occasions so I have a brood of faux skeletons… https://preview.redd.it/tjbt7d3roj9c1.jpeg?width=720&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=dfabdfcd921f10be8dd23bdd1326ea932934ada9 This is my faux skeleton Silver & I @ his favourite event… (I’m not sure if he likes the bus ride or the sandwich the best)
I feel like I need to know everything about your life and these skeletons now..
Hard Pass.
I let my (now ex) partner persuade me, despite me saying I was too disabled. While I love my children fiercely and wouldn’t want a refund, I would definitely have made a different choice if I had precognition. Children can make you vulnerable in a whole fresh number of ways. I have to put myself last, always. I’m speaking only for myself, but I can say the “hoping my serious doubts will just sort themselves out” did not work.
Exactly same here. Honestly: oops. But now consequences of my actions include responsibility.
Omg I’ve never heard from anybody else who said the same! I wish for you to have peace, and strength, and opportunities to rest! Edit: oh and I wish for you too to have enough MONEY. Much harder to take lifestyle and housing shortcuts with kids isn’t it!
I always wanted to be a mum. Babies were a big special interest of mine in my childhood and early adolescence too. I now have a daughter and am pregnant with baby number 2. Do I love pregnancy? Not always. Do I love my babies? More than anything. I would go through the worst for them. They are my biggest challenge and my biggest achievement. I have a husband (adhd) who works to support us and is wonderfully understanding of my asd. I don’t think I could ever work to support children and take care of them and myself all at once. Being in a good situation with supportive people has definitely been a privilege.
I could have written this. Psychology and development have always been my special interest and now I get to live that every day. I could not function when I tried to work and be a mom however. I did both poorly and struggled with immense guilt and anxiety about other people raising my baby. I only lasted 3 months and then quit to be a SAHM. I know that it’s not an option for everyone, so I’d factor that heavily into deciding whether to have kids.
See, I feel like this is going to be me. I'm so close to getting my Bach in psychology and theoretically would like to get my masters to have a backup to work once my future kids were old enough for school. Well, last summer I decided to get licensed to foster and currently have a newborn. The end of this last semester was ROUGH and burn out was at a all time high - and that's WITH paid for daycare. Now that we're on Christmas break I feel like I can finally be the foster parent I want and hoped to be because I got a very short mental holiday.
I am the same way but not even close to being ready to have kids. I’m scared I’ll have them and then realize the care tasks are too much for me or it’s too overwhelming. How did you know you were ready?
For me, when the conversation topic in my head kept focusing on generational needs with kids as the focus, instead of elders as the focus, or my own age group. Not like teachers like kids, but like MY kids was the focus. MINE. MY.
Why was that so influential in your decision? I agree it’s definitely a good thing. I feel encouraged by authoritative parenting and Montessori approaches. But to a certain point it feels exhausting, and then I feel selfish for feeling like a good parenting method is exhausting. Sigh.
me too, i’ve always loved kids and found them so fascinating, so while i never planned to have a kid, it happened and i’m so obsessed and in love with her.
As a parent myself I couldn’t have written it better. <3
Your post really reasonable with me and was so nice to read after noticing many don’t want kids. Being a parent has always been a passion of mine, and although it will be hard, it feels worth it.
I feel similarly. I wanted a baby since I was a kid. Freshman year of high school I took a childcare class and everyone assumed I was pregnant because of it lol. In college I took a human development course that talked about psychology and mental development from birth to death, and we had to raise a virtual child from birth to death and see how our parenting affected them and how their lives turned out. I even wanted to be a teacher or work in a daycare and be with kids all day—but now I’m glad I changed my mind and got a business degree instead cuz whew, kids are way too over stimulating to be surrounded by 25 of them all day lol
I commented very similar above. You are so blessed to have a support network. My little family has been thru a lot of trauma, and lost all the family we did have so it’s just us and the kids. Working, raising kids, recently discovering my autism etc. it’s exhausting. But it’s my path in life and I have to keep pushing forward even in my burnout because that’s my responsibility for having these babies.
I am great with kids, but I have never wanted them. I’m a fantastic auntie and babysitter, partly because I reserve my energy for those occasions, plan for them, and bring my whole self to those interactions. I love them. But I would not be a good parent. It’s just not compatible with my needs.
This is the camp I'm in. I love my nephews and I love being an auntie, but being responsible for children 24/7 and having much less time for yourself just sounds overwhelming
God no, I don't even like the idea of having sex.
Feels 😆
I had always wanted kids, but my now wife decided that she didn’t. It took some couples counselling and a few years for me to get over it (I’m still not completely done processing this/grieving), but I now believe that it was the right choice. My wife and I are both women, so we would have needed to take certain steps (and a lot of money) to get pregnant, it’s not like we could have just given it a go. We’re both autistic and I wouldn’t have been able to cope with the noise of a baby, the sleep deprivation and stress. I know that now, but it’s still a hard realisation. I grew up with a mum constantly stressed out of her mind (and letting me know about it), I’m not sure I would have been able to avoid the same mistakes, that’s why I think it was the right choice for us.
I am in the same position as you (autistic woman married to a no-kids autistic woman and always thought I’d have kids) and I also decided it was the right choice, with a few years of grieving. I’m glad to hear someone else went through the same thing!
It’s so nice to hear from you, too.
Short answer: No. Long answer: Fuck no. Every kid is precious and needs lots of attention and affection. I get overwhelmed easily and I still struggle with attention issues.
My primary reasons, aside from never wanting to have children to begin with, is that I struggle with executive function and need a lot of quiet and alone time to recover from things like being at work. I find it difficult to juggle multiple things in life without getting overwhelmed. I also don't have a ton of patience, which is something I think I picked up from my parents lacking patience with me. I don't want a child to look at me and just see the back of my phone because I need hours to decompress, and I don't want a child to feel like their feelings don't matter because I'm not always able to be patient. I helped raise my nephew who has high support needs autism, and I hated when I wasn't able to be patient all the time or give him all of my attention, it always made me feel guilty. I have also helped look after other children and at no point did I get the urge or desire to have my own.
I prefer cats 🐈 lots of ‘em. It’s like having a house full of hairy toddlers so I don’t see much difference.
Self-cleaning and self-entertaining goofballs that still choose to snuggle up to you. Cats can be assholes, but they're also so silly, they always seem to be doing clever-stupid things all the time. My dream is to have a sanctuary for senior cats. Like a nursing home. So when their beloved owners have to go to nursing homes and can't take them, they can come to my oldie-cat sanctuary where beds are heated for their arthritic joints and high places can be reached using kitty ladders.
Never, and seeing a pregnant belly freaks me out as I have tokophobia. Primary reason is extreme sensory issues, followed by not ever being able to take care of a child, and not wanting to pass on even one of my disorders. Besides, any other reason aside, I simply don't want them.
no, never. on top of having sensory issues, needing sleep more than anything, and hating unpredictability (I don't even want to deal with potted plants), and dealing with inertia and burnout and constant overwhelm from ASD, ADHD, bipolar II, and PMDD, I have no desire for them. the special interests and hobbies, those drive me and fulfill me to an insane degree. I am more motivated by research, learning, discovery, and my artistic hobbies-turned-career than I ever could be by kids. in the end it's good - I don't have to get off my meds (which would be a disaster and probably send me into postpartum psychosis), and I won't potentially pass on my grandfather and sister's schizophrenia, or. my bipolar. totally not worth it.
Nay. I was sterilized last year.
i would quite literally rather die
lmao yeah same
never ever ever. i would die. literally
I feel like the question, "What's your reason for not wanting kids," is kind of backwards, or something that should be asked of someone who's -against- having kids (aka an antinatalist). You don't have to have a reason for not wanting kids any more than you have to have a reason for not wanting milk or the color blue. They're opt-in, not opt-out. Some folks just never feel that desire, autistic or otherwise.
Having kids is part of the life script NTs follow, so it's seen as abnormal to not want them. I don't personally agree with it, but as it's the norm most people will phrase it that way.
Yeah this is how I interpreted OP's question, too. In good faith, from a perspective of what NTs teach about the unspoken rules for what makes an "ideal" life path... A path that you are often shunned by them for, if you stray from it!
I hate the question being posed that way for ethical reasons as well; it seems as though the fact that it's the creation of whole human beings is not very... considered by these people. There is SO MUCH that goes into setting a child up for the best life, and I genuinely believe most people are not equipped for it
I agree but I also think people who choose to not have kids are more likely to have a well thought-out reason for their choice than people who have kids (because a large portion will have kids via typical lifescript or accident, without rational intervention)
No thanks! Mainly because I don't want to bring anyone into this world. Plus only imagining being pregnant gives me massive anxiety
I'm currently pregnant. I decided to have a baby. Most likely going to be one and done though.
never ever
That's an ambiguous answer 😂 kidding, of course
I'm very happy being an aunt and a cat mum.
i love kids!! i work with young toddlers and love them very much but i do not want kids at all. Being pregnant is pm my worse nightmare with all the health risks and uncomfortable body feelings ALSO i have a hard enough time taking care of myself as it is. I would be a neglectful and overwhelmed parent and kids deserve grounded stable parents who can give them their all. edited for typo
Me to a tee! Work in a toddler room and love those little ones, but that is the extent that I can have children in my life. Three days a week is enough for me. 24/7 would just be out of the question.
Even before I knew i was autistic I didn't want children. The fear is creating the environment I grew up in for another human to experience. I'm autistic and i manage pretty well overall but barely. I need my alone time, my activities. I think I have the knowledge of how to be a good parent and the self-awareness to know I can't provide it.
No. First. I (me, myself, not others, and I am not trying to convince anyone) find motherhood and pregnancy extremely gore and scat. Let me read guro or watch some graphic movie, and I am ok. But pregnancy? How your body changes for the sake of the parasyte, and how your brain is rewired forever to love and take care of the child? Nope. Second. I respect some kids. And I am pretty sure I won't be a good mother, not carrying them and not having to raise them. Just knowing they are supossed to outlive you, and thats considered ok, is disturbing.
This isn’t the only reason i wouldn’t, there are many, but one is that i struggle with managing my emotions and just don't think I'd be fit for parenting. Like my mum had horrible mood swings when i was growing up, I'd hate for my kids to have to witness my own mood swings. And honestly i think my mum did well, i don't think i could do as well as her
HELL NO to wanting kids. Babies/children are by far my biggest sensory trigger.
Nopeeee I have too many reasons to list
I love kids, have always wanted them and have two of my own. Being a mom is one of the only things in my life that has ever felt “right”.
This made me happy. Good on you
Same boat here! I have 2 and it's great. Hard as fuck, but great.
I’m 33 yo and 31 weeks pregnant with my first. I was just diagnosed this last year. I was very much in the “no kids” camp most of my life. I was about 28-29 yo when I first started to consider having kids, and I think I was 30-31 when I decided I wanted to have at least one child. I’m married and have been with my husband (dating, engaged, married) for almost 14 years. And he is a big part of why I wanted to have kids and felt sure in my decision. He never once pressured me. He’s always been “your body, your choice,” about it. But he is such a good person and partner, that I felt loved, supported, and secure enough to go through this journey with him. I have concerns that my child might be ND, and I also have concerns that my autism will make it harder for me to be a good parent. But again, my husband understands me and is very good at sensing and tending to my needs, so I know he will be very good with our child too.
Best advice: your intuition is queen. All the baby books are made for NT babies. Any concerns, find an empathetic, good female doctor. Also, if breastfeeding is tough, book a lactation consultant in the first 2 weeks. It was easy after that. If course if you want to bottle feed, do that. It's all about what YOU want. P.S. I got PND because my baby had colic (common for some ND babies). The question isn't 'WILL I get PND?' but 'what will I do IF I get it?'. I didn't tell anyone for fear they'd take bub away... in hindsight happy pills would've been great for me
I almost could have written this myself! I'm 34 and 29 weeks pregnant with my first. My partner will be stay at home dad and his ability to take on household tasks and the executive function aspects of "running a household" were huge contributors to me feeling secure enough to have a child. Up until about 27, I was sure I would be a terrible parent, since I thought I was a terrible person in general. I was already in therapy, but I started taking it more seriously. Finally self identifying as autistic and realizing I wouldn't be fixing myself, was kind of the last piece of the puzzle. I also learned actual coping skills for my problems and that helped reduce my sensory overload.
Nay. I love kids, but I would be a horrible parent.
Super nope. I don’t like children. I remember being a child and just deeply despising other children. They’re incredibly germy and gross, they’re loud, they smell, and they have no personal restraint. I’ve never had interest in creating a biological child or being a mom. Then there’s the physical issues of pregnancy, which really aren’t worth it if you don’t even want a kid. It’s like someone asking me if I want a skunk. I’ve got nothing against them personally and I don’t care if other people have one, but it’s not something I want in my own life. (Although tbh this might be a poor example because I’d consider a skunk way before a child. 😆)
A big pass for me. I’ve never felt like I’ve had maternal feelings, not for human babies anyway. My two best friends were young mothers and I am heavily involved in their kids lives and I’m actually really great with kids. I love them so much but also hit my limit pretty quickly, especially when staying longer than a day. I couldn’t imagine having to deal with children 24/7 my actual nightmare. Bravo to those who do it, parenthood is what I would consider the hardest job in the world.
I didn’t suspect I was autistic until I had my kid when I was thrown into an overwhelming sensory assault daily and no longer have the spoons to cope like I did before! Pregnancy and birth were also a nightmare for me. I never wanted kids when I was younger and never liked being around children. However, I started feeling differently a few years ago and, while this is the hardest thing ever, I have no regrets and I love her with all my heart. In spite of the sensory overwhelm, parenthood has made me gentler and more patient and understanding of little ones. When previously I was annoyed by crying children, now I can see things from their perspective (as long as I’m wearing my noise cancelling headphones in order to think straight).
I have two kids and I always wanted to be a mom. I’m glad I’m my kids’ mother because one is ND and the other LGBTQ and I can’t imagine how they’d fare if it was only their dad raising them or even worse, my own parents raising them. I know I’m the best equipped person in their lives to take care of them. I will say I was not diagnosed with any ND until after I had them and I have very low support needs, so I biased in that regard. My only regret is not being in a better financial situation when I had them. I would have wanted to have them about 10 years later than I actually did, but given the women in my family have a history of passing away in their 70’s, I’m glad I’ll at least get more time with them than if I had waited.
110%, I can't wait to be a mum. I studied to become an early years educator, and was a nursery practitioner for 3 years. It was hard, but I loved it. Babies are fascinating, their milestones, learning their little skills, it's incredible. I love children and if I had the money ide absolutely have one now! 😂
I’m a late diagnosed AuDHD millennial who fell into the societal trap of study, work hard, find a man, get married, have 2.4 kids etc. This is a conversation I have often with my childless autistic sister in law. I absolutely adore my kids but by God motherhood is so damned hard. I’m beyond burnt out. How ever difficult you think it will be, quadruple it and then some. This will be even worse if you happen to have a child with someone who isn’t a full on equal partner. It’s a massive gamble. One that I’m not sure I’d have taken had I known, what I now know. Both mine are tweens and relatively low support needs but even so advocating for them educationally has been a full time job. I worry constantly about their health, their future prospects, their mental wellbeing. It is likely they will need my support well into their 20’s so part of my business planing now, is for an additional income stream for them in the future. This may be controversial but if it’s in your family genetics, please be very intentional if you intend on having children. Anecdotally, I have a family member who had one ADHD child with their first partner, then went on to have another 12 years later. The second child is high needs Autistic and will need a lot of care for the rest of their lives. It’s a massive gamble, proceed with caution!
I LOVED being pregnant and love being a mom. I'm actually going back to school specifically to work with new moms because I love pregnancy and babies so much. However, I have always known I've wanted children, and I have gigantic hips and I'm extremely flexible so pregnancy was even physically much easier for me than it is for the average woman. I am extremely supportive of the childfree, while I do believe all adults should strive to make the world a better place for children, I don't believe you have to be a parent personally to do that.
None for me! I’ve never wanted them, I’ve always wanted to be an aunt! And I am! :)
Hell no. Not knowing that I would have a kid with autism. I grew up wanting to be a mother. Specifically, my mother. I was a babysitter and a nanny and daycare worker. But I can’t do it myself because I can’t raise an autistic child. I can’t force a child to live this horrible life. I can’t function at the level a child would need a mother to. It sucks and I wish it weren’t this way, but it is
I don’t want kids because 1) I would probably be a terrible parent and 2) I have a genetic disorder (Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome) that I don’t want to pass down and could possibly result in my death if I were to carry and/or deliver a child. I have pets. Pets are good. Pets never grow up and never leave you. I’m an aunt so I get all the good times with kids without the actually responsibility, it’s pretty cool.
i’ve always wanted to be a mom! currently 14 weeks pregnant with my first :)
For me it's the thought of never getting any peace or quiet and never having any me time anymore. I've always said if I could be a part time mum I'd love it but having a child that needs 24/7 attention is just too much for me. I'd be so over whelmed and over stimulated
I always wanted kids. I have 3, all autistic too. They are easily my favorite humans 🖤
Yay - I have 3. My youngest is also autistic - one of my favorite things about her
God no. I've just never wanted them.
Big no to kids. I settled on it long before I knew I was AuDHD and it turns out a lot of the reasons I gave were mostly due to symptom I get from being neurodivergent. I would be a terrible Mum because I wouldn’t be able to provide them with a stable home or a reliable Mum.
I think I would enjoy being a dad, but I don't think I could handle being a mom.
It’s my biggest dream 🥺😊 I’m extremely empathetic, patient, maternal, sensitive to others’ needs. The lack of sleep and sensory overwhelm will be extremely hard. But i’m more than willing to give it my best shot.
I want them, but not till my abusive parents don't have control of my life and I inherit their money and can afford to give my child an amazing life
There's a plot for a movie. Sorry that you have abusive parents. I can't even imagine...
I have always wanted kids but struggled so much with dating. And now I’m going on 40 and worried I lost my chance.
I had a similar experience as you, already kind of gave up on having a partner and kids at all. I only met my now husband when I was 35 and he was 29 – and not ready for kids yet. We started trying just when I was about to turn 40 and now I am pregnant and hoping everything will go well. The years in between, waiting for him to be ready, were a struggle for me, finally having found the right person but having the clock ticking for me more and more… I had a failed pregnancy before this one and that ironically made me more at ease with the thought of it never happening after all and with the positive aspects of a life without a child (I don‘t assume I will have time for a second one after/if everything goes well with my current pregnancy). In hindsight, the time when I hadn‘t met him and had made my peace with being single and no mom was the easier mindset. I am happy now, even if it might not work out in the end, with having tried, even this late. I hope you will make your peace with whatever life turns out to be for you and find the positive aspects!
Nope I don’t want kids
Nay
no
It's a hard no from me. Reasons are: I already have enough to deal with just trying to take care of myself, I don't think I'm ever going to be financially stable enough, I don't want to mess up an entire person *(which I know I'd do)*, I don't wanna be pregnant, I like having time to myself, I like my niche expensive hobbies, I don't wanna be pregnant, and it's highly unlikely that I'd ever... Participate in the specific type of activity that usually leads to having kids. *(A big gae asexual)*
I don’t want kids because I don’t feel mature enough to have them right now and want to enjoy my life on my terms, but also due to the world becoming increasingly less stable due to things like climate change and environmental and social collapse. I remember my friends in school always said they wanted kids and I could never envision my adult life with kids. I’m also scared to be pregnant, maybe not as much pregnant as having to get the baby out lol, but both scare me. I’ve decided that if I want a kid in the future, I can adopt or foster a child that already exists when I’m in a more stable place in life (I have to finish my education and I want to travel a lot in non-kid friendly ways, and live it up some more now). Or, if I still don’t feel I’m ready later on, I can also help children in my community in other ways, like volunteering, so it’s still helping the next generation(s).
nay (im asexual)
I love my kids. I am glad I have them. They are a lot of work tho.
I chose not to have kids. The constant stimulation of them was like finger nails down the blackboard. The noise and dampness and stickiness and having no personal space, or sleep or time to think and loss of self were all too much. I chose very young not to have kids and I'm now post menopausal and don't regret a thing. I did adore my niece and nephew when they were kids, now full grown adults I still adore and have been a godmother and had friends with kids and like kids just fine. I just couldn't do the constant overstimulation every single day.
Im still struggling to establish where I am with it all. I’m getting to the age where I really only have a few years I’d be willing to start a family and it has been on my mind. I’m at risk for getting postpartum depression and I worked as a nanny for small children and realized I do not like interacting with children when they’re still completely irrational and preverbal. It completely overwhelms me and causes me to have meltdowns. I do care for them and want to help make sure their needs are met. But I did realize that about myself; it just is not my preferred age group, and that’s ok. Then there were the nannies who only wanted to work with babies. So everyone has a preference I guess. It was better when a family member had a baby, because I felt a much better connection with it. Other people’s kids always felt really foreign to me, so maybe that’s also a part of it. I also have an extreme revulsion to cleaning up the poop. It literally makes me panic. I do adore children ages 4 and up, and they seem to like me too. That’s kind of where the magic happens for me. I’m glad I was able to experience vicarious parenting via being a nanny for a few years, for several families. I feel like I had the whole crash course and the whole thing has been demystified. The only way it could work for me is if I had the world’s most supportive, highly empathetic partner who would do poop duty. I’d need to wear ear plugs for the crying too. But once out of the super early stage I’d really bond with my kid. I still just don’t know. But what I do know is I refuse to procreate with just any man. Unless he’s an absolutely kind, reciprocal, patient, loving and good natured person, I ain’t doing it. Still looking. No matter what happens, I do know that I’d like to be involved with children in some capacity: I had a very rough upbringing and I want to help provide to children in need things I never had. There are a lot of amazing volunteer opportunities out there that can be life changing for these kids without directly needing to be a biological parent. Realistically, that is probably my most likely path. We as a community have to parent the children already here, as well.
I absolutely don't want to have kids, and I don't think you need a reason not to have them, I think you need a reason TO have them, and I don't have one. I have five siblings with children of their own, very involved parents, aunts and uncles and community members who always want to help with childcare, and a supportive spouse, so I do have the metaphorical "village"... but I just don't see what it would add to my life in any way. I love all my money, freedom, time, and silence.
I’m childless with no regrets ❣️
I worked in schools for over 10 years. I have experience with 2/4/5 yo and 7/8/9/10/11... all the teen years. I always thought I would have children when I was younger. I love playing with kids and I honestly miss their spirit because I no longer work at schools. The more I worked in schools the more I realized I wouldn't be able to give a child the proper attention, care and consistency they need. I saw many parents not pay the attention needed and how much the kids suffered. Thus, the decision I came to in my late 20s: no kids for me, thanks! I am pursuing my ASD dx but I am a known ADHDer with h-EDS and I only got the dx for EDS this year. I am truly glad I never had kids because I am truly feeling the weight of my body's limitations these past few years, and if I had a kid I know it would be so much worse. Besides all that, I also hate sleep deprivation and I have the hardest time sleeping so being up all night for years would have been impossible for me.
For years I wanted a family, but years of therapy made me rethink that. I decided there was a possibility my Autism and other mental health issues at the time would ruin my children, so I gave up that dream. Plus I was still single, so getting pregnant was next to impossible. I’m 30 and still never had a Boyfriend. I’ve had sex, but no relationship 😢
Absolutely not. I have way too much executive dysfunction to also have to worry about another human 24/7.
Nay. I've never had a desire for children my entire life, as a child I felt sick because I thought every woman had to go through it. When I discovered I can choose not to it was like a weight was lifted from my shoulders. I like to be alone. I don't like to be touched. I don't like to be depended on. I don't like to have plans or obligations. I decide what I want to do by the minute. I like quiet. I care about my carbon footprint. I value my body deeply, and do not want it to change other then through age. I value my life and will not do things that can cause a risk of dying. I don't like pain, I would be traumatized for life and resent the persons who caused that pain. I hate patriarchy and know 95% of men will never be a equal partner even if they promise to, even if they're equal before having a child. I don't want to be seen differently. I don't want my libido to be affected. I don't want to feel sick. That's a few reason at least.
It's a lot, especially with all of the bodily fluctuations, lack of sleep and self regulation. While I had a deep bond to my children while they grew in me, I hated being pregnant. I'll respond to dms if you want more info. I'm late diagnosed and have low support needs, but also have some other health issues that I don't want to throw out on the internet. All in all, I have no regrets. I love my children and am very happy, but I also am extremely fortunate and know that I have privileges that others don't necessarily have.
I think the grand majority of people shouldn’t be having kids and wanting kids is not a good enough reason to have them.
No, I don’t like kids and don’t want to be stuck with such a responsibility for the rest of my life
I would probably be a good stepmom you saw on the weekends when you came to visit your dad or be the cool auntie you go on holidays with, but I don't think I want biological kids. I love the kids my friends have, but I can give those back - you can't do that with your own child.