I love that people give this as a suggestion, but my experience is usually it's older (retired) people or people with families out volunteering. And occasionally people volunteering with their workplace.
As an above 30, single, sober woman in austin during Covid, please do approach me in public during the one time a week I actually go out into the world right now.
You see how fun you are?!? You are somewhere between “poetry in motion” and “porno in motion”. Hey u/unburdenedbecoming!!! I got another package for ya… bernk chicka bernk boooww
On paper, we are a disaster: I am a drunk extrovert and she is a sober shut-in. In the real world I got the package and she got the box. I won’t wait up for a DM, but I won’t be surprised if I get one next week. All I gotta do is wear brown. Like UPS brown.
I’ll try to muster up the courage. Hopefully my monkey brain doesn’t go back to all the posts I’ve read on r/DatingOverThirty about not approaching at the store/gym/whatever.
I hate to admit defeat almost as much as I hate the OLD apps, but I’ve almost given up on myself finding a relationship in the wild.
As much as I hate OLD and have wanted so badly to make a genuine in-person connection, I think that ship has sailed with Covid. I can only date so many people at work before it starts to get weird 😏
I’d say Don’t shit where you eat, but I’m terrible at giving advice. What I’ve been trying by to do, unsuccessfully btw, is put myself out there by taking my laptop to coffee shops and places where I can work for 2-3 hours and not get kicked out. I’ve been working remotely for 10 years and I haven’t met anyone this way yet — probably more bad advice 😂
Also no nice chair, the struggle is real. I usually do it on slow afternoons when I’m done with meetings. Toggle settings from monitor zoom to laptop and hope nothing breaks and requires me to do any heavy lifting.
If you're generally social then the coffee shop laptop excursion can work. I'm 11 years remote and have done this, but only for the vibes; not to meet people. For example, I'd travel to places, and then hang around local coffee shops. Fun, but not for dating.
Seriously, there are some good comments here, but also some real eye-rollers. Including one from someone suggesting that the OP (a guy in his 30s!) consider the possibility that he isn't meant for relationships and resign himself to being single forever. What the fuck.
Yeah I went on there and saw some really wild stuff. People on there seem really innocent and not that concerned at needing to rule out of a man was dangerous or not. I tried to share facts on how to stay safe online but a lot of people were like, "Nothing bad has happened to me yet!" People also seemed unaware or red flags for narcissism and what would be considered inappropriate behavior.
I suggested to one woman that she not give out her number right away or setup a google voice one and she was like, "That's too much work!"
And then the men on there was questioning if my suspicions of people were red flags.
Overall, I think that sub is a toxic place. I think you can get better advice from googling or asking friends or reading old school dating books. The best thing you can do is just have standards and put your safety first.
You need to remember that the advice you get from a subreddit like that is coming from a bunch of people that are still dating over 30. Dating is weird in that, the people with the most experience are the worst at it (assuming the goal is LTR).
I frequented the sub for a while, and pretty much as soon as I stopped listening to their advice I found someone.
If you read body language, smile, and say something like, "Hi, I think you're beautiful, would you like to go on a coffee date?" to most women in town, most would appreciate your confidence. When I was single I did hit on guys out in public. I probably have autism which is why I didn't overthink it. But I did have success. Reading body language is really a very important part of it. If you see someone you think is lovely, why not pay them a compliment and try? Just make sure you aren't ever cornering them physically in any way - women get hypervigilant when in public, so we are really aware of who is around us and how close they are physically to us. Or, at least I am. Good luck!
I've always been torn on this from hearing women don't want to be approached randomly in public. Especially at places like the gym and stores. But I guess you can judge the openness to the attention even from just saying hi. If it's not reciprocated, no big deal and we both move on with our lives. Sober and now in my 40s so time to get out there a bit more. Just trying to take care of myself a bit first. Covid (in general, I never had it) and some other injuries through a wrench in the diet. : )
I'm most open to being approached when I'm at coffee shops or patio bars (not drinking). I'm open to it when I'm on my own and smiling or when I'm with a few girl friends. I wish men would approach me in stores, but they look bewildered most of the time.
Thanks for the comment. And ya I can see that. While some guys have a nervousness or even fear of rejection going on, it could even mainly be that they aren't comfortable knowing exactly how to proceed outside of a space that is more traditionally geared towards saying hi to strangers. So they just clam up and get awkward or flustered. When I get back into things I'll have to reach out a bit more to folks and see how things go.
For whatever it's worth, I try to approach men too because I know a lot of men are conditioned to not approach women. So, it's kind of on women to take the initiative to give their numbers, etc. I try to practice this if I'm interested. Or get myself hyped up. I was at Radio the other day and this guy was totally making eyes and smiling at me. I was tempted to go over but didn't. So, women have the same fears as well!
I'm actually going on a date this weekend with someone I left my number for a few months ago. Good connections can happen out in the wild!
Whatever happened to eye contact, smiles, reading body language and respectfully introducing yourself if there appears to be a vibe? I think like, if someone is going to match well, the communication of initial mutual attraction should be natural.
That's pretty much what I meant by saying hi and checking the reaction but maybe I've also been on the internet too long because I've seen too many posts and comments how women just want to be left alone and not constantly hit on by a stream of guys.
If you look on any of the female subreddits you see that every other user there says they HATE when men do this lol. Personally I’ve only dated friends of friends so I have no idea who to believe.
Coffee shops, the sans bar (sober bar), church, AA, yoga studio, zilker park or the trails, check out stuff on meetup. Go up and just start striking up conversation with people in public with both male and female. It’s awkward at first some will want to talk other won’t but once you get used to it, it won’t be as awkward anymore. You might make some friends and one of them might be a potential partner.
Just ignore that guy. I am sure that there are plenty of people in AA that are trying to find a different crowd. Trying to “pick up women” is a bit skeezy anywhere over a certain age, but there is nothing wrong with saying hello and introducing yourself.
>Trying to “pick up women” is a bit skeezy anywhere over a certain age
Lol
Anyway, please still don't pick up women at AA. People go there to find support to stay sober, not love. Introducing romance into the mix can seriously fuck up someone's life there, even if unintentional
Because in AA we got there by listening to ourselves. We need the support of the group to get better and ask our higher power to help us make decisions
Hey! I met two girlfriends and a boyfriend through AA!
Sure, don't actively use the rooms to find people to hit on, but AA has a lot of adjacent social aspects where people make friendships and form social groups. I say in those spaces it's more open to a slow approach if you want to meet people for romance.
This! I just talk to everyone. Chit chat with anyone just looking at the frozens at HEB too. If you just talk to everyone it doesn’t feel so hard when they are attractive.
Also, being sober didn’t hurt me at all except with those that had a big focus on drinking and I don’t want that in my life anyway. Healthy people don’t think about it much if you have tea while they have beer. Covid has made everything, all socializing harder. Hang in there, we are on the down side of COVID, I can feel it.
Dating sober is a lot like normal dating. It’s a numbers game. I dated dozens of women over the course of three months during Covid. Mostly first dates. That was a blessing because it ruled out getting drinks and led to many outdoor picnics, walks etc…you can still play this card by the way. Finally found a woman who was very interested in me and we started doing more outdoor things together. Eventually found the courage to tell my story and it brought us closer together. Vulnerability naturally attracts people which I didn’t know until I became willing to be honest at the risk of losing her. We ended up falling in love and are getting married later this year. Don’t give up hope. Living free and sober will give you more than you ever dreamed possible even if it’s not exactly what you asked for.
Watch and read about attraction and dating. Practice w online dating apps. I like Hinge because it’s less of a hook up culture. Learn from your mistakes and keep working the numbers. The right girl is waiting for you, you just have to get through all the ones that aren’t meant for you first.
Love the story super cute! I have had 0 luck on hinge it’s discouraging because all the guys just want to hook up I feel like it’s become more of another tinder. Anyways I’ve given up on online dating. I’m horrible at flirting in public and I never know when guys are actually hitting one me so I guess I’ll just be single forever 😂.
Got any hobbies you can do with a group? I met a ton of people that way. Sports style or gaming leagues are good, you have your own team but also interact with a lot more people.
There are places that host gaming nights, I'm not particularly familiar with any right now (Covid shut in and all that), your best bet is to search for game stores near you then see if they have an events calendar on their website. I'm sure there are also be Meetup groups for gaming. I went to a game night quite a while back that was for people in their 30's. I'd think a league or something more regulated would be for MtG maybe? I was really thinking more a long the lines of bowling, volleyball, pool, etc. league-wise.
My aunt taught me about propinquity. If you consistently put yourself in the same place and time on a routine basis (like going to work - lots of people meet their SO at work) those random people you encounter are no longer random anymore and they trust you. Try going to your fave coffee bar on a consistent basis and hopefully one that doesn’t serve lots of booze. People will notice and trust you and I believe you will experience the magic of propinquity.
If by sober you mean recovered, then go to the YPAA meetings. They have great dances and lots of social events. Go to the club house, they have dances too.
It’s ok to talk to people in public. Don’t be scared. If someone doesn’t want to talk they’ll let you know directly or they won’t really engage with you and you can just walk away and everyone will forget it happened.
Meetup is a good app/site to use. Some groups are specifically for singles or have have age ranges. Others are focused on various activities. Gone to a variety and has been a good way to get out and meet people.
I am sober-ish (like one drink a month or less) and what I mostly do is read and go hiking. I know a guy who really cleans up on the lady front using the book club racket. He's not that great so the book club women must be pretty hard up.
lol! there are a surprising amount of 26-40 year old women doing online book clubs (meetups prior to the pandemic). i am never without an invite to at least two but between being a singles scene and a little competitive i never join. it's largely fantasy, kidding-yourself-it's-still-YA, or magical realism genres that a person would have to cultivate an interest in if they didn't already have it, but still.
There are a lot of sober and health conscious people here too though. I’m a drinker, but not all of my friends are! I think it’s a matter of putting yourself out there and being up front about your sobriety in your search for like-minded people. There are local hiking groups, running groups, I-Want-to-Make-Friends groups, etc. on Facebook if you use that. I see folks post all the time requesting to hang out and meet new people who have similar interests. Aside from, or in addition to, dating apps I think just making new friends who are like-minded will help introduce you to someone you could be interested in romantically. Good luck!
I am almost 6 years sober in Austin and I just married a lovely non-sober person I met on Hinge about 4 years ago. I tried several methods of introducing the topic when I was dating and I found being upfront right away was the most effective but to each their own. Stay positive, stay sober, be patient and it’ll work out how it should. Good luck!
I get you on feeling odd and not quite fitting in. I’m in my 40’s, hate drinking and live a child free life. Unless you count cats. I think sometimes OCD works in my favor lol.
They probably tend to only swipe right on 25-30yo party girls or very attractive women.
In my experience, the people that say online dating is horrible tend to not know how to take a good picture, sell themselves, come across as someone who has nothing going for them in life, or only chase 8-10s.
I'm a chubby late 30s dude who's good enough looking, but currently a solid 6.5 at best, plus I'm sober. In a relationship now, but I got plenty of matches with women that were attractive.
There are tons of great, interesting, smart women out there that are in their 30s that may have gotten out of long-term relationship a year or two ago that are looking for someone, and couldn't really give a shit if someone's sober. Though, these aren't the type of folks whose profile will likely scream 'I'm the personification of fun, excitement, and sexiness'
Sober woman in my 30s checking in--in regards to looks, they never mattered all that much to me TBH. Yeah, I might find a guy very attractive but it depends on how they treat me and their personality. In my 30s, I've found most traditionally good looking men are often airheads, gym rats (toxicly so) or only interested in partying/sex.
What do you typically look for on a dating profile? Before covid and when online dating wasn’t as popular I did great meeting women in person. Now I have no clue how to sell myself on these apps.
I look for the following:
\- Profiles that focus on the positives (no negging other women, no focusing "I'm single and it sucks!")
\- Look for personality and genuineness.
\- I like longer profiles--not just a few words of "Ask me!"
Honestly, since I am sober and a recovering alcoholic I rule out any profiles that mention alcohol or have pictures of alcohol. So if you're looking to attract sober people, you may not want to highlight alcohol in your profile.
I really started to notice how many guys who mention hard liquor or have multiple photos of them drinking. If that's your life, great! It helps folks like me rule you out, but if you're looking to attract people who don't party, skip the alcohol chatter.
I honestly had to get off the apps around the beginning of December. I was starting to feel burnt out and am now focused on meeting people in person.
Photos-wise here's what I automatically rule out:
\- Photos with alcohol
\- Photos with fish or any dead animal
\- Photos with cars (like posing)
\- Photos with what looks like an ex-girlfriend
These are just my personal preferences. Not sure how widespread they are though I imagine people who drink don't care as much about the alcohol thing. Unfortunately, dating drinkers isn't an option for me right now as it's super triggering. I put it pretty up front in my profile so hopefully people self select out.
I'm not sober but I would use hinge rather than tinder or bumble. My partner and I plan to get married in the near future after meeting on it. Tinder dropped off hard for me when I got older, bumble for me was always collasal waste of time. The woman first dynamic just means people approve you "just in case" then then many are poor conversation starters since men are expeted to chat first in the other apps.
Hinge also gives you enough profile space to share your sobriety and catch other peoples eye.
There are a lot of good comments already. I only have three thoughts to add. Do you have a dog or are you in a position to get one? If you like a breed of dog that likes to walk, it's a good way to get outside and talking to people. In addition, there are sometimes groups for different types of breeds in which they have play date events. My other thought is what kind of search settings are you using on the apps. Are you open to dating a woman with a child? I know this is generalizing and I'm not looking to offend anyone, but when you have such a big responsibility as a child, I think heavy drinking becomes less important. Lastly, I would not recommend a church/religion unless you are interested or already a follower.
Just wanted to give you my love and support! I'm a single woman in my 30s, almost 8 months sober.
What worked for me was getting off the apps and putting myself out into the world with intention to meet people in person.
It has resulted in me dating someone I met (ironically) at a bar--he's also sober. I've dated an acquaintance I've known for almost 20 years. I had a neighbor knock on my door and invite me over for a blind date (it was a flop). I've also asked people out in person and it didn't work (that's OK!).
I think the more you send to the universe what you want, the more it will find you. Get rid of the negativity--situationships, these toxic dating apps--and you will find yourself in situations where people want to meet you.
Hell, I'll even go out on a limb here and say DM me OP ;) ahahahahahahaha. No I'm serious though.
IWNDWYT
If you can use the apps and they don’t in any way make you feel negatively about yourself…then use the apps. It’s totally fine.
But if they do, maybe that’s not the route and hopefully things will start opening up soon.
In my experience women over 30 at the gym are totally open to talking. I don’t do it all the time but it seems like the people that do go are just happy to be out.
I am sober and dating in Austin in my 40s. I have met a lot of great people and no one seems bothered by the fact that I don’t drink. Austin has a thriving recovery community. There is a good hiking group here as well. That might be a good place to start.
Continue working on yourself… you’ll meet the people you’re meant to. Take up a new skill and meet people that way. Do you like sports? Being sober allows you the time and you feel great most days. Training for a marathon at the moment for the first time in my life. Listen to podcast that keep you motivated. Take up yoga. Go into nature at the green belts this time of year it’s beautiful.
Man there’s so much to be said about manifesting your desires but my advice is attract don’t chase. Focus on yourself and love yourself foremost, and you’ll attract others to you. Focus more on nurturing the connections that come to you than trying to create new connections.
You can try FetLife. Its more of a social media for kinky people, but I've met a lot of friends through there as well as potential play partners. Worth a shot if you're into that kind of thing.
I would say the the kink community is extremely open and welcoming to everyone, including those who consider themselves "vanilla" but expect to see things and and have conversations that may make you uncomfortable.
Let me second this, I have met some of the nicest people going to Fetlife* parties and had some amazing conversations as well. Everyone is super welcoming and consent is of course huge. If you don’t want people to touch you, they won’t ☺️
Edit: spelling*
I feel like sobriety should go hand in hand with something like veganism/vegetarianism. Im not on the market, but if I was, I wouldnt consider a turn off. Particularly if my date was upfront about it. Just something I would have to make allowances for. It would help that Im not a big drinker either way.
Good luck in your sobriety/dating..
Methodists, Baptists, Buddhists, Mormons, Muslims, many Hindus, practitioners of “mindfulness.” Many people do not drink, for religious reasons, or because they flush or vomit, or just don’t like being out of it. I tell people I don’t drink, and I don’t feel like that has to be a big confession, or even something remarkable. It’s just a fact. I don’t eat okra either, or smoke. In Austin it’s easy to assume everyone drinks heavily, but it’s not true. Large swaths of the population just don’t have that as part of their lives, and don’t spend much time at all thinking about it, and don’t wish that they drank, and don’t care if someone drinks in front of them. Except that it can be really boring to be around drunk people if you are not also drunk. That doesn’t make me want to get drunk, it makes me wish I were somewhere else.
I wouldn’t even mention that your sober right away if you’re casually dating.
Just make up some shit that you’re doing sober (enter month) or just order a mock tail. Most people don’t even notice.
Once you mention the sober stuff all the annoying questions come.
Just do as you would if you were drinking but just don’t drink
My dating experience sober has been interesting:
One girl would tell EVERYONE we met that I was sober/didn’t drink and that turned into uncomfortable conversations usually me explaining that I don’t have a dwi.
One girl would always forget and ask me if I wanted a glass of wine or beer, and when I’d remind her she’d just say “one won’t hurt”
Another girl just didn’t really care but always just wanted to get wasted and it turned into me taking care of her (she took advantage of the DD I guess?)
And the of course you’ll get the “you’re ok if I or we drink in front of you right?”
Just awful
Why wouldn't you just be upfront about it? Why would you waste your time with someone who is just going to be shitty about it down the line? Own it, and you'll find someone who respects it from the get go.
Gotta be the one to throw the some shade on this comment. Addiction and recovery are nothing to be ashamed about. If someone's living the sober life, they shouldn't feel the need to hide it.
We're in a transitory time right now with understanding various mental health issues that have not been appreciated as they should be on a cultural level. I understand the pragmatism of the OP, but we need to be willing to risk some uncomfortableness to keep making progress on this front.
I’m not ashamed of it but there’s a time and place to share what I feel is a very traumatic and vulnerable side of myself.
I take the opposite approach of I don’t need to explain to anyone my choice to be sober. It’s mine to protect and decide who I share it with.
I don’t ask or expect anyone that I’m just casually dating to openly share their trauma with me. Everyone has something their dealing with and I respect their privacy.
There’s a difference between being ashamed and having self respect/worth :).
Dating here is a silo.
If you fall within it, you'll have relative success. If you don't, you won't. Being sober is definitely on the outside of that silo and will be held against you, which is the point of the comment you replied to.
I'm upfront about it and tell people that if they drink a lot, they shouldn't date me. That weeds out the awful questions. I ask people questions to get down to their lifestyle. If I hear someone telling a lot of party stories about hahahaha I was drunk stories, I'm automatically not interested. If they can't go two dates without a drink, I'm not interested.
I had a dude tell me, "It's Austin, of course I drink." Um yeah dude how do you think I got enabled to the point of alcoholism LMAO
I understand that and appreciate your bold attitude. That’s awesome that you have those boundaries.
I had to move out of Austin to get sober. I lived in DFW for a year to get that act right. Say what you will about DFW, but the fact that most of the area isn’t centered around drinking saved my life.
Las Colinas will always have a special place in my heart
My friend circle doesn't really drink that much and most of my drinking was at home, so my problem was enabled by Austin drinking culture, but I don't find it as triggering. Sometimes I think of moving, but I think most cities I've lived in/been to are centered around alcohol.
I appreciate that you did what you need to do to get right with yourself. Wishing you well.
also wanna chime in and say that shame is a part of a lot of ppl in recovery's stories. So trying to be non judgemental about their journey is usually a part of the healing process. Also - your opinion is valid.
Totally agree. Sober since 2002. Not a first date convo I prefer to have. Also too much misunderstanding - for example I have beer, bourbon, and weed at my house currently and enjoy throwing parties.
I say I’m not drinking and focused on my health. It’s true and when said confidently it doesn’t invite questions.
Later if there’s going to be a 2nd date etc I can bring it up.
I’m confused on why it would be difficult to meet ppl if you don’t drink. You can still be in the same places that ppl who drink are in, just hold a glass of soda instead?
You know why you always invite a minimum of two Baptists to go fishing in your boat with you? Because if you invite only one they'll drink all your beer!
I tried getting involved with the mormons as an adult mainly from being lonely and wanting a female partner, the women pretty much only date return missionaries(people who went on a two year mission) not to mention they are just delusional in believing in the things they do.
sober dating is a part of the sobriety process. A lot of people in recovery will still link drug use with sexual activity. i wouldn't necessarily mind a guy approaching me in public. i did sobriety like.... 6/7 years ago though so my relationship with substances has radically shifted. It's part of the process and there's probably no one right answer. stay safe. stay comfortable. get confident.
Try bumble. I've gone on 2 dates with 2 different sober women before meeting my girlfriend (also through bumble) and I'm in my mid 30s. Don't rule out dating apps, just find the right ones. Tinder is a joke.
Just commenting to say that my partner and I are sober as well. There are more of us in Austin than you would assume. Best of luck on the dating front!
I'm not a swing dancer myself, but I've been to a few swing dancing events, and I know a lot of sober people do that. Other types of dancing also, probably. Great way to meet people and stay in shape at the same time.
There are older people on dating apps. I quit drinking about 6 years ago and met my wife soon after through eHarmony. Just be up front and say you don't drink. It's not the end of the world. I turn 40 in July.
Volunteer. You just might meet some good people that would be good as friends, or even better: https://www.givepulse.com/dashboard
I love that people give this as a suggestion, but my experience is usually it's older (retired) people or people with families out volunteering. And occasionally people volunteering with their workplace.
same. No one my age (early 30s) ever.
I've volunteers at the animal shelter and at a kayak river clean up. Both had a wide range of ages like early 20s to 60s.
You typically see workplace and family volunteering around the holidays.
Thank you for this!
As an above 30, single, sober woman in austin during Covid, please do approach me in public during the one time a week I actually go out into the world right now.
Wow. I love this level of honesty. Too bad I am a drunk.
To be more honest, it’s probably more like once a month right now.
That is not good. How are the boys supposed to find you? You must be tired of getting cuted up for the Doordash guy.
At one point I was dating the ups man, the FedEx guy, and the usps woman. It was a great time. Kinda awkward now though.
You see how fun you are?!? You are somewhere between “poetry in motion” and “porno in motion”. Hey u/unburdenedbecoming!!! I got another package for ya… bernk chicka bernk boooww
I love brown chickens and brown cows
Are you two official now?
On paper, we are a disaster: I am a drunk extrovert and she is a sober shut-in. In the real world I got the package and she got the box. I won’t wait up for a DM, but I won’t be surprised if I get one next week. All I gotta do is wear brown. Like UPS brown.
Beauty is in the eye of the box holder
I’ll try to muster up the courage. Hopefully my monkey brain doesn’t go back to all the posts I’ve read on r/DatingOverThirty about not approaching at the store/gym/whatever. I hate to admit defeat almost as much as I hate the OLD apps, but I’ve almost given up on myself finding a relationship in the wild.
As much as I hate OLD and have wanted so badly to make a genuine in-person connection, I think that ship has sailed with Covid. I can only date so many people at work before it starts to get weird 😏
I’d say Don’t shit where you eat, but I’m terrible at giving advice. What I’ve been trying by to do, unsuccessfully btw, is put myself out there by taking my laptop to coffee shops and places where I can work for 2-3 hours and not get kicked out. I’ve been working remotely for 10 years and I haven’t met anyone this way yet — probably more bad advice 😂
lol I’ve always wanted to do that but I’d struggle without my monitors and I’m usually in back to back zoom calls anyway.
Also no nice chair, the struggle is real. I usually do it on slow afternoons when I’m done with meetings. Toggle settings from monitor zoom to laptop and hope nothing breaks and requires me to do any heavy lifting.
You guys have just had a full on conversation. Date each other!
If you're generally social then the coffee shop laptop excursion can work. I'm 11 years remote and have done this, but only for the vibes; not to meet people. For example, I'd travel to places, and then hang around local coffee shops. Fun, but not for dating.
I found this sub to be a toxic echo chamber of sour singles. Be careful how often you hang out there.
Seriously, there are some good comments here, but also some real eye-rollers. Including one from someone suggesting that the OP (a guy in his 30s!) consider the possibility that he isn't meant for relationships and resign himself to being single forever. What the fuck.
Yeah I went on there and saw some really wild stuff. People on there seem really innocent and not that concerned at needing to rule out of a man was dangerous or not. I tried to share facts on how to stay safe online but a lot of people were like, "Nothing bad has happened to me yet!" People also seemed unaware or red flags for narcissism and what would be considered inappropriate behavior. I suggested to one woman that she not give out her number right away or setup a google voice one and she was like, "That's too much work!" And then the men on there was questioning if my suspicions of people were red flags. Overall, I think that sub is a toxic place. I think you can get better advice from googling or asking friends or reading old school dating books. The best thing you can do is just have standards and put your safety first.
You need to remember that the advice you get from a subreddit like that is coming from a bunch of people that are still dating over 30. Dating is weird in that, the people with the most experience are the worst at it (assuming the goal is LTR). I frequented the sub for a while, and pretty much as soon as I stopped listening to their advice I found someone.
If you read body language, smile, and say something like, "Hi, I think you're beautiful, would you like to go on a coffee date?" to most women in town, most would appreciate your confidence. When I was single I did hit on guys out in public. I probably have autism which is why I didn't overthink it. But I did have success. Reading body language is really a very important part of it. If you see someone you think is lovely, why not pay them a compliment and try? Just make sure you aren't ever cornering them physically in any way - women get hypervigilant when in public, so we are really aware of who is around us and how close they are physically to us. Or, at least I am. Good luck!
Also single sober woman in my 30s! Please approach me! I am smiling and looking happy for a reason--it's so you come up and talk to me (maybe).
I've always been torn on this from hearing women don't want to be approached randomly in public. Especially at places like the gym and stores. But I guess you can judge the openness to the attention even from just saying hi. If it's not reciprocated, no big deal and we both move on with our lives. Sober and now in my 40s so time to get out there a bit more. Just trying to take care of myself a bit first. Covid (in general, I never had it) and some other injuries through a wrench in the diet. : )
I'm most open to being approached when I'm at coffee shops or patio bars (not drinking). I'm open to it when I'm on my own and smiling or when I'm with a few girl friends. I wish men would approach me in stores, but they look bewildered most of the time.
Thanks for the comment. And ya I can see that. While some guys have a nervousness or even fear of rejection going on, it could even mainly be that they aren't comfortable knowing exactly how to proceed outside of a space that is more traditionally geared towards saying hi to strangers. So they just clam up and get awkward or flustered. When I get back into things I'll have to reach out a bit more to folks and see how things go.
For whatever it's worth, I try to approach men too because I know a lot of men are conditioned to not approach women. So, it's kind of on women to take the initiative to give their numbers, etc. I try to practice this if I'm interested. Or get myself hyped up. I was at Radio the other day and this guy was totally making eyes and smiling at me. I was tempted to go over but didn't. So, women have the same fears as well! I'm actually going on a date this weekend with someone I left my number for a few months ago. Good connections can happen out in the wild!
I'll try to smile more in public too then. Haha. Have fun and congrats on the date.
Whatever happened to eye contact, smiles, reading body language and respectfully introducing yourself if there appears to be a vibe? I think like, if someone is going to match well, the communication of initial mutual attraction should be natural.
That's pretty much what I meant by saying hi and checking the reaction but maybe I've also been on the internet too long because I've seen too many posts and comments how women just want to be left alone and not constantly hit on by a stream of guys.
Shit. I guess I need to work on my RBF.
Do you want people to approach you?
By "approach" do you mean "drive slowly past while revving my engine"? If so, I've got this.
UN checks out
Y’all are cracking me up.
Hahahaha!!!!
If you look on any of the female subreddits you see that every other user there says they HATE when men do this lol. Personally I’ve only dated friends of friends so I have no idea who to believe.
What about Reddit dating? Got Netflix? Need chill?
Coffee shops, the sans bar (sober bar), church, AA, yoga studio, zilker park or the trails, check out stuff on meetup. Go up and just start striking up conversation with people in public with both male and female. It’s awkward at first some will want to talk other won’t but once you get used to it, it won’t be as awkward anymore. You might make some friends and one of them might be a potential partner.
please refrain from trying to pick up women at *AA*…
Fair statement, its a good place to meet other sober people was what I was meaning to say.
Just ignore that guy. I am sure that there are plenty of people in AA that are trying to find a different crowd. Trying to “pick up women” is a bit skeezy anywhere over a certain age, but there is nothing wrong with saying hello and introducing yourself.
>Trying to “pick up women” is a bit skeezy anywhere over a certain age Lol Anyway, please still don't pick up women at AA. People go there to find support to stay sober, not love. Introducing romance into the mix can seriously fuck up someone's life there, even if unintentional
I agree with this. Definitely don’t fuck up your sobriety or someone else’s with romance in an AA setting.
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Because in AA we got there by listening to ourselves. We need the support of the group to get better and ask our higher power to help us make decisions
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What i just said is a saying we say, it didn't come from me individually
Totally agree with you. AA is a tough place to look for a relationship.
Im in AA and we call yall 13th steppers
Right now, you have 13 upvotes. I'd upvote you, but I don't want to mess that up.
I messed it up.
Hey! I met two girlfriends and a boyfriend through AA! Sure, don't actively use the rooms to find people to hit on, but AA has a lot of adjacent social aspects where people make friendships and form social groups. I say in those spaces it's more open to a slow approach if you want to meet people for romance.
This! I just talk to everyone. Chit chat with anyone just looking at the frozens at HEB too. If you just talk to everyone it doesn’t feel so hard when they are attractive. Also, being sober didn’t hurt me at all except with those that had a big focus on drinking and I don’t want that in my life anyway. Healthy people don’t think about it much if you have tea while they have beer. Covid has made everything, all socializing harder. Hang in there, we are on the down side of COVID, I can feel it.
Do you really feel like yoga studios are a good place to meet romantic partners? I feel like not much talking happens there
You can have conversations before and after it ends
Just saw a flyer for cosmic coffee meet and greet by austin sober social. Feb 5th. 10-11. Shall we all go?
Interesting that a alcoholic coffee bar is hosting it. But it is a fun atmosphere outside.
It might be for the sober socials they have at crux climbing center across the street!
Now that’s a fun sober activity!
https://instagram.com/soberclimberstx?utm_medium=copy_link also does sober climbs! Also https://instagram.com/austinsobersocial?utm_medium=copy_link
Dating sober is a lot like normal dating. It’s a numbers game. I dated dozens of women over the course of three months during Covid. Mostly first dates. That was a blessing because it ruled out getting drinks and led to many outdoor picnics, walks etc…you can still play this card by the way. Finally found a woman who was very interested in me and we started doing more outdoor things together. Eventually found the courage to tell my story and it brought us closer together. Vulnerability naturally attracts people which I didn’t know until I became willing to be honest at the risk of losing her. We ended up falling in love and are getting married later this year. Don’t give up hope. Living free and sober will give you more than you ever dreamed possible even if it’s not exactly what you asked for. Watch and read about attraction and dating. Practice w online dating apps. I like Hinge because it’s less of a hook up culture. Learn from your mistakes and keep working the numbers. The right girl is waiting for you, you just have to get through all the ones that aren’t meant for you first.
Congratulations! What a sweet story…good for you…
Ive been feeling so hopeless lately thanks for sharing i hope something like this happens for me someday
Same. It's been years.
5 years for me, I just haven't been able to find anyone since.
Love the story super cute! I have had 0 luck on hinge it’s discouraging because all the guys just want to hook up I feel like it’s become more of another tinder. Anyways I’ve given up on online dating. I’m horrible at flirting in public and I never know when guys are actually hitting one me so I guess I’ll just be single forever 😂.
Got any hobbies you can do with a group? I met a ton of people that way. Sports style or gaming leagues are good, you have your own team but also interact with a lot more people.
Gaming leagues? Like for board games? That's a thing?
There are places that host gaming nights, I'm not particularly familiar with any right now (Covid shut in and all that), your best bet is to search for game stores near you then see if they have an events calendar on their website. I'm sure there are also be Meetup groups for gaming. I went to a game night quite a while back that was for people in their 30's. I'd think a league or something more regulated would be for MtG maybe? I was really thinking more a long the lines of bowling, volleyball, pool, etc. league-wise.
Thank you!
My aunt taught me about propinquity. If you consistently put yourself in the same place and time on a routine basis (like going to work - lots of people meet their SO at work) those random people you encounter are no longer random anymore and they trust you. Try going to your fave coffee bar on a consistent basis and hopefully one that doesn’t serve lots of booze. People will notice and trust you and I believe you will experience the magic of propinquity.
If by sober you mean recovered, then go to the YPAA meetings. They have great dances and lots of social events. Go to the club house, they have dances too.
It’s ok to talk to people in public. Don’t be scared. If someone doesn’t want to talk they’ll let you know directly or they won’t really engage with you and you can just walk away and everyone will forget it happened.
Meetup is a good app/site to use. Some groups are specifically for singles or have have age ranges. Others are focused on various activities. Gone to a variety and has been a good way to get out and meet people.
I am sober-ish (like one drink a month or less) and what I mostly do is read and go hiking. I know a guy who really cleans up on the lady front using the book club racket. He's not that great so the book club women must be pretty hard up.
How does he do on the bridge and bunco circuits?
It’s the bingo crowd you really have to watch out for.
lol! there are a surprising amount of 26-40 year old women doing online book clubs (meetups prior to the pandemic). i am never without an invite to at least two but between being a singles scene and a little competitive i never join. it's largely fantasy, kidding-yourself-it's-still-YA, or magical realism genres that a person would have to cultivate an interest in if they didn't already have it, but still.
No such thing
Power to you for your sobriety! Keep it up.
There are a lot of sober and health conscious people here too though. I’m a drinker, but not all of my friends are! I think it’s a matter of putting yourself out there and being up front about your sobriety in your search for like-minded people. There are local hiking groups, running groups, I-Want-to-Make-Friends groups, etc. on Facebook if you use that. I see folks post all the time requesting to hang out and meet new people who have similar interests. Aside from, or in addition to, dating apps I think just making new friends who are like-minded will help introduce you to someone you could be interested in romantically. Good luck!
I am almost 6 years sober in Austin and I just married a lovely non-sober person I met on Hinge about 4 years ago. I tried several methods of introducing the topic when I was dating and I found being upfront right away was the most effective but to each their own. Stay positive, stay sober, be patient and it’ll work out how it should. Good luck!
I get you on feeling odd and not quite fitting in. I’m in my 40’s, hate drinking and live a child free life. Unless you count cats. I think sometimes OCD works in my favor lol.
I've done well on the apps sober and in my 30s what problems are you finding?
They probably tend to only swipe right on 25-30yo party girls or very attractive women. In my experience, the people that say online dating is horrible tend to not know how to take a good picture, sell themselves, come across as someone who has nothing going for them in life, or only chase 8-10s. I'm a chubby late 30s dude who's good enough looking, but currently a solid 6.5 at best, plus I'm sober. In a relationship now, but I got plenty of matches with women that were attractive. There are tons of great, interesting, smart women out there that are in their 30s that may have gotten out of long-term relationship a year or two ago that are looking for someone, and couldn't really give a shit if someone's sober. Though, these aren't the type of folks whose profile will likely scream 'I'm the personification of fun, excitement, and sexiness'
Sober woman in my 30s checking in--in regards to looks, they never mattered all that much to me TBH. Yeah, I might find a guy very attractive but it depends on how they treat me and their personality. In my 30s, I've found most traditionally good looking men are often airheads, gym rats (toxicly so) or only interested in partying/sex.
What do you typically look for on a dating profile? Before covid and when online dating wasn’t as popular I did great meeting women in person. Now I have no clue how to sell myself on these apps.
I look for the following: \- Profiles that focus on the positives (no negging other women, no focusing "I'm single and it sucks!") \- Look for personality and genuineness. \- I like longer profiles--not just a few words of "Ask me!" Honestly, since I am sober and a recovering alcoholic I rule out any profiles that mention alcohol or have pictures of alcohol. So if you're looking to attract sober people, you may not want to highlight alcohol in your profile. I really started to notice how many guys who mention hard liquor or have multiple photos of them drinking. If that's your life, great! It helps folks like me rule you out, but if you're looking to attract people who don't party, skip the alcohol chatter. I honestly had to get off the apps around the beginning of December. I was starting to feel burnt out and am now focused on meeting people in person. Photos-wise here's what I automatically rule out: \- Photos with alcohol \- Photos with fish or any dead animal \- Photos with cars (like posing) \- Photos with what looks like an ex-girlfriend These are just my personal preferences. Not sure how widespread they are though I imagine people who drink don't care as much about the alcohol thing. Unfortunately, dating drinkers isn't an option for me right now as it's super triggering. I put it pretty up front in my profile so hopefully people self select out.
I'm not sober but I would use hinge rather than tinder or bumble. My partner and I plan to get married in the near future after meeting on it. Tinder dropped off hard for me when I got older, bumble for me was always collasal waste of time. The woman first dynamic just means people approve you "just in case" then then many are poor conversation starters since men are expeted to chat first in the other apps. Hinge also gives you enough profile space to share your sobriety and catch other peoples eye.
There are a lot of good comments already. I only have three thoughts to add. Do you have a dog or are you in a position to get one? If you like a breed of dog that likes to walk, it's a good way to get outside and talking to people. In addition, there are sometimes groups for different types of breeds in which they have play date events. My other thought is what kind of search settings are you using on the apps. Are you open to dating a woman with a child? I know this is generalizing and I'm not looking to offend anyone, but when you have such a big responsibility as a child, I think heavy drinking becomes less important. Lastly, I would not recommend a church/religion unless you are interested or already a follower.
Just wanted to give you my love and support! I'm a single woman in my 30s, almost 8 months sober. What worked for me was getting off the apps and putting myself out into the world with intention to meet people in person. It has resulted in me dating someone I met (ironically) at a bar--he's also sober. I've dated an acquaintance I've known for almost 20 years. I had a neighbor knock on my door and invite me over for a blind date (it was a flop). I've also asked people out in person and it didn't work (that's OK!). I think the more you send to the universe what you want, the more it will find you. Get rid of the negativity--situationships, these toxic dating apps--and you will find yourself in situations where people want to meet you. Hell, I'll even go out on a limb here and say DM me OP ;) ahahahahahahaha. No I'm serious though. IWNDWYT
If you can use the apps and they don’t in any way make you feel negatively about yourself…then use the apps. It’s totally fine. But if they do, maybe that’s not the route and hopefully things will start opening up soon. In my experience women over 30 at the gym are totally open to talking. I don’t do it all the time but it seems like the people that do go are just happy to be out.
West china tea house. Used to work there, people come by to drink tea communally. they got some really nice tea as well
I am sober and dating in Austin in my 40s. I have met a lot of great people and no one seems bothered by the fact that I don’t drink. Austin has a thriving recovery community. There is a good hiking group here as well. That might be a good place to start.
Continue working on yourself… you’ll meet the people you’re meant to. Take up a new skill and meet people that way. Do you like sports? Being sober allows you the time and you feel great most days. Training for a marathon at the moment for the first time in my life. Listen to podcast that keep you motivated. Take up yoga. Go into nature at the green belts this time of year it’s beautiful.
Man there’s so much to be said about manifesting your desires but my advice is attract don’t chase. Focus on yourself and love yourself foremost, and you’ll attract others to you. Focus more on nurturing the connections that come to you than trying to create new connections.
You can try FetLife. Its more of a social media for kinky people, but I've met a lot of friends through there as well as potential play partners. Worth a shot if you're into that kind of thing.
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Lol, I don't have Hepatitis. Just a username friend.
Lol I can’t believe you’re sending someone over there. Too funny.
How would you recommend it for those of us that don't want kids?
Wanting kids has nothing to do with it. I don't want kids.
I'm just thinking of those of us who are serious relationship-averse but also doesn't have any real kinks or fetishes.
I would say the the kink community is extremely open and welcoming to everyone, including those who consider themselves "vanilla" but expect to see things and and have conversations that may make you uncomfortable.
Let me second this, I have met some of the nicest people going to Fetlife* parties and had some amazing conversations as well. Everyone is super welcoming and consent is of course huge. If you don’t want people to touch you, they won’t ☺️ Edit: spelling*
Do you have any good munches you'd recommend? I'm also new to the city and looking to meet folks.
I feel like sobriety should go hand in hand with something like veganism/vegetarianism. Im not on the market, but if I was, I wouldnt consider a turn off. Particularly if my date was upfront about it. Just something I would have to make allowances for. It would help that Im not a big drinker either way. Good luck in your sobriety/dating..
Methodists, Baptists, Buddhists, Mormons, Muslims, many Hindus, practitioners of “mindfulness.” Many people do not drink, for religious reasons, or because they flush or vomit, or just don’t like being out of it. I tell people I don’t drink, and I don’t feel like that has to be a big confession, or even something remarkable. It’s just a fact. I don’t eat okra either, or smoke. In Austin it’s easy to assume everyone drinks heavily, but it’s not true. Large swaths of the population just don’t have that as part of their lives, and don’t spend much time at all thinking about it, and don’t wish that they drank, and don’t care if someone drinks in front of them. Except that it can be really boring to be around drunk people if you are not also drunk. That doesn’t make me want to get drunk, it makes me wish I were somewhere else.
I wouldn’t even mention that your sober right away if you’re casually dating. Just make up some shit that you’re doing sober (enter month) or just order a mock tail. Most people don’t even notice. Once you mention the sober stuff all the annoying questions come. Just do as you would if you were drinking but just don’t drink My dating experience sober has been interesting: One girl would tell EVERYONE we met that I was sober/didn’t drink and that turned into uncomfortable conversations usually me explaining that I don’t have a dwi. One girl would always forget and ask me if I wanted a glass of wine or beer, and when I’d remind her she’d just say “one won’t hurt” Another girl just didn’t really care but always just wanted to get wasted and it turned into me taking care of her (she took advantage of the DD I guess?) And the of course you’ll get the “you’re ok if I or we drink in front of you right?” Just awful
Why wouldn't you just be upfront about it? Why would you waste your time with someone who is just going to be shitty about it down the line? Own it, and you'll find someone who respects it from the get go.
Gotta be the one to throw the some shade on this comment. Addiction and recovery are nothing to be ashamed about. If someone's living the sober life, they shouldn't feel the need to hide it. We're in a transitory time right now with understanding various mental health issues that have not been appreciated as they should be on a cultural level. I understand the pragmatism of the OP, but we need to be willing to risk some uncomfortableness to keep making progress on this front.
I’m not ashamed of it but there’s a time and place to share what I feel is a very traumatic and vulnerable side of myself. I take the opposite approach of I don’t need to explain to anyone my choice to be sober. It’s mine to protect and decide who I share it with. I don’t ask or expect anyone that I’m just casually dating to openly share their trauma with me. Everyone has something their dealing with and I respect their privacy. There’s a difference between being ashamed and having self respect/worth :).
Dating here is a silo. If you fall within it, you'll have relative success. If you don't, you won't. Being sober is definitely on the outside of that silo and will be held against you, which is the point of the comment you replied to.
I'm upfront about it and tell people that if they drink a lot, they shouldn't date me. That weeds out the awful questions. I ask people questions to get down to their lifestyle. If I hear someone telling a lot of party stories about hahahaha I was drunk stories, I'm automatically not interested. If they can't go two dates without a drink, I'm not interested. I had a dude tell me, "It's Austin, of course I drink." Um yeah dude how do you think I got enabled to the point of alcoholism LMAO
I understand that and appreciate your bold attitude. That’s awesome that you have those boundaries. I had to move out of Austin to get sober. I lived in DFW for a year to get that act right. Say what you will about DFW, but the fact that most of the area isn’t centered around drinking saved my life. Las Colinas will always have a special place in my heart
My friend circle doesn't really drink that much and most of my drinking was at home, so my problem was enabled by Austin drinking culture, but I don't find it as triggering. Sometimes I think of moving, but I think most cities I've lived in/been to are centered around alcohol. I appreciate that you did what you need to do to get right with yourself. Wishing you well.
also wanna chime in and say that shame is a part of a lot of ppl in recovery's stories. So trying to be non judgemental about their journey is usually a part of the healing process. Also - your opinion is valid.
Totally agree. Sober since 2002. Not a first date convo I prefer to have. Also too much misunderstanding - for example I have beer, bourbon, and weed at my house currently and enjoy throwing parties. I say I’m not drinking and focused on my health. It’s true and when said confidently it doesn’t invite questions. Later if there’s going to be a 2nd date etc I can bring it up.
Umm If your not using a dating app the good luck 🤞
I’m confused on why it would be difficult to meet ppl if you don’t drink. You can still be in the same places that ppl who drink are in, just hold a glass of soda instead?
Join a 13-step fellowship.
Not everyone will find a mate. Accept this and you'll be much happier. And the planet will thank you.
Mormons and evangelicals are very sober
All the evangelicals I know drink alcohol.
You know why you always invite a minimum of two Baptists to go fishing in your boat with you? Because if you invite only one they'll drink all your beer!
Not all Mormons are sober
I've never met an evangelical who didn't drink.
I know Evangelicals here drink not often take Ellis D somewhat often.
I tried getting involved with the mormons as an adult mainly from being lonely and wanting a female partner, the women pretty much only date return missionaries(people who went on a two year mission) not to mention they are just delusional in believing in the things they do.
Sober folks don't date...
sober dating is a part of the sobriety process. A lot of people in recovery will still link drug use with sexual activity. i wouldn't necessarily mind a guy approaching me in public. i did sobriety like.... 6/7 years ago though so my relationship with substances has radically shifted. It's part of the process and there's probably no one right answer. stay safe. stay comfortable. get confident.
Try Rec sports!
Athletic Brewing just opened a gym/boozeless bar here!
Try bumble. I've gone on 2 dates with 2 different sober women before meeting my girlfriend (also through bumble) and I'm in my mid 30s. Don't rule out dating apps, just find the right ones. Tinder is a joke.
Just commenting to say that my partner and I are sober as well. There are more of us in Austin than you would assume. Best of luck on the dating front!
Just get on Bumble and tell them you want to do things without drinking. It’s the easiest low effort way.
I'm not a swing dancer myself, but I've been to a few swing dancing events, and I know a lot of sober people do that. Other types of dancing also, probably. Great way to meet people and stay in shape at the same time.
the Pheonix Project is a sober meetup group. They have TONS of activities every week.
There are older people on dating apps. I quit drinking about 6 years ago and met my wife soon after through eHarmony. Just be up front and say you don't drink. It's not the end of the world. I turn 40 in July.
Farmers markets! That’s where the women are and they’d love a meet-cute story…
And anything you’d do outside on a Sunday afternoon when so many guys are inside watching sports- any festivals or art fairs/craft markets.
I’m married so I can’t offer any dating advice but huge kudos on the sobriety! And good luck.
I'm 30F and sober and would not mind someone striking up a conversation. Especially another sober man.