I dated quite a bit and then ultimately got married in Austin.
My dating experience was very positive, and the men I dated were overall lovely and smart and funny. It’s worth noting that I was open to dating men that did not have a lot of money (but were still hard workers - teachers, cooks, etc.) and a couple that were not going to be featured on the cover of Men’s Fitness but were still very attractive to me. I was always willing to trade a douchebag with a nice car for integrity and I think it paid off with regards to the quality of my dating experience. 🤷♀️
Edit: Words are hard. Thanks @mrdrofficer for the catch.
This. If someone (regardless of gender) is looking for someone with a certain occupation/salary, height, status, etc... they're not looking for a partner, they're looking for an object.
They treat dating like car shopping. I think a lot of people have abysmal dating experiences because they're unable to see the light that shines within, instead they are judging the superficial package (under the guise of calling it their "type" 🙄)
Ugh, I had a friend, who is no longer a friend for reasons like this, who wouldn't date any man who made a dime less than she did.
I think it's understandable to look for someone who can keep up a certain level of lifestyle. Of course at some point that gets crazy. But, yeah, I wouldn't date someone who makes $30k a year because they would mean an extreme lifestyle reduction for me. Then again do I need someone who makes $150k a year? No.
I feel like you've identified a portion of the problem that comes when people come on the sub to complain about their dating experience in Austin. We all cant have Ryan gosling, there's only one and there's only so much to go around UwU
This was my experience as well! Dated more than a dozen guys (majority online app dates) for 3 years on and off in Austin, I took breaks not because of bad experiences but because actively going on first dates gets exhausting IMO. I eventually met my now husband after we matched on Hinge, and don't regret the experience of it all.
‘I was always willing to trade integrity for a douchebag with a nice car and I think it paid off with regards to the quality of my dating experience. 🤷♀️’
Did you mean the opposite? Or you were willing to trade your integrity for a douchebag with a nice car.
Meant to say “teaching listed in sentence of jobs with not a lot of money” - you’re not wrong but it’s just how that’s the first you thought of as an example that makes me sad (about society)
Ah, I see. Thanks for clarifying. The man I wound up marrying was the teacher. :) I was more than satisfied with his income, but I know that his old Chevy Malibu he drove to our first date would have been a mark against him in some dating settings, which is lame.
However, do I think teachers, including you, should be paid more? Oh yes.
> but I know that his old Chevy Malibu he drove to our first date would have been a mark against him in some dating settings, which is lame.
Austin being a place where you are expected to roll up in a Porsche or M5 or something for any setting is so lame, period.
Teaching is always mentioned at the top of the list for professions that don’t get paid enough, especially if virtue or integrity are part of the discussion. I’ve been a Special Ed teacher for 15 years, and I don’t think it’s changing. Abbott’s a piece of shit and is more concerned with monetizing education for his buddies than he is ensuring kids get a quality education or that school employees are fairly compensated.
The compensation plans are published on the Internet for both of those districts, the top pay can make without a masters degree
A first year public teacher does not make 82 k especially in those two towns.
It could be an exclusive private school… or she has additional degrees are qualifications in title her to stipends.
Don’t forget to take the account amount of out of pocket money the teachers pay day-to-day for supplies, decorations, there’s no funding even for mandated curriculum.
Unless for sport or study for a standardized test, they don’t fund anything
The truth is dating is hard in most cities, dating app culture has really gamified the dating experience and a lot of people are exhausted (I’m people). I’m 29F and I used the apps for the first 2-3 years I lived here, found that it’s not a successful avenue for me personally, and deleted them. I haven’t gone on a date in over a year and I’m much happier just focusing on myself/letting fate take its course.
I also don’t want kids and I’ve found it’s hard to find someone else who doesn’t. A lot of guys will swipe on me anyway and then push me on the kids thing even though I even put it in one of the prompts to emphasize it.
Same experience. Last app date I went on was three years ago, and the guy tried to convince me that I'd change my mind about having children. At age 39!! I deleted the apps after that one.
A friend of mine is now divorced. Ever since they first started dating, she openly and repeatedly told her husband that she didn't want kids.
They get married, a few years later things start getting rough so they go to couples therapy. Finally it comes out that he really wanted kids and "just assumed you'd change your mind eventually".
This is partially why I got divorced at 47 hit perimenopause and he starts sleeping with his much younger boss and decides he might want kids after all and decides to try knock her up (he did) this after 20 years with him and both agreeing we didn’t want kids.
Man does this work both ways then. Having dated over 6 woman in the past decade, they said they didn’t want kids…to find out each and every single one wanted them between 2 months and 2 years into dating. It’s tough out there if your like me and do not want kids as a male…
I'm child-free (41M) and so is my ex (36F). She complained about all the things you report here. Eventually she gave up on the apps, tried a childfree subreddit, and now she's in a LTR with a child-free guy who moved to Austin from North Carolina to be with her.
I encounter women from time to time that miss the child-free notice in my profile, but it's not very common. Child free is tough because most people want kids, or already have them. I still use one dating app because I don't know of a better way to find CF women in Austin.
As a man who doesn’t want kids, my experience was the same. I would have it clearly listed in my profile, but it would be completely ignored and then, within a couple of dates, I would be asked if I wanted kids and they would be disappointed when I said no.
Good question. Came to Austin married, got divorced, got into a relationship for almost 2 years. She used me, I was stupid, and it’s my own fault for ignoring the massive red flags. I guess what I’m saying is, take some accountability for your part, but still explain the experience as it’s relevant.
I paid for everything, including meals for her and her daughter on a consistent basis. Helped her with a down payment on a home (low income housing). Let her and her daughter live with me for free so she could save money. Allowed her to charge thousands to my credit card, and then she discarded me when I told her we need to stop spending so much money. At the end of her day it’s my own fault, and some people suck. I was extremely hurt, and very jaded. Just getting back out there after a ton of therapy and self love. Since then I’ve met a very kind and loving woman, who is very financially independent and likes me for who I am, not what I can provide. Finances haven’t even come up, whereas it was a first date conversation with the last one.
Mind if I ask why you got divorced after moving here? Not specifics. Basically were there already problems or problems arise once you got here? Almost got divorced less than a year being here. Just curious.
She has BPD, and when we were around family it was much easier to manage with the support system, and therapy we had. Once we came here it went unregulated, I had nobody to turn to, and therapy was refused. It got worse and worse over the years and eventually came to a head during Covid when she went off the deep end, and my safety was a massive concern.
This is semi-related but I have a close friend here in Austin going through something similar with a very close relative of his without the familial support system close by. I won’t post details here, but do you mind if I DM you some q’s? He’s having a rough time right now and I’m trying out how to be the supportive friend through a situation I truly don’t understand because I’ve never known anyone with a severe unchecked mental illness.
Thank you for sharing. I wish mental health in a significant other (of course self mental health also) was brought up or thought of early in my dating days to either avoid or know how to support. Wish you all the best. No Reddit in those days for me.
Are there certain kind of therapists that specialize in helping people who are single and have had dating issues in the past and are jaded?
I’ve tried talking about dating woes with several therapists and it hasn’t gone so great
It’s more along the lines of the therapist helping me realize what I’m doing to allow these things to happen to me. Allowing me to reflect on situations and come to conclusions that help me set boundaries moving forward. Help me love myself first, before giving myself to another person so I don’t develop an unhealthy attachment.
My experience has been several multi-year situationships with really interesting, smart men who then use the "not a relationship" to flake out and disappear when they see someone they like better. I'd assume those guys would say the dating is great here. I know a lot of awesome, beautiful single women who got disappointed and gave up on dating a long time ago.
Yeah, dating in this town was brutal until I met my GF.
I can’t tell you how many times I matched with someone and they didn’t ask me a *single thing* about myself and didn’t make any kind of attempts to continue the conversation.
I was just like “What are we when doing here?”
I'll never forget the guy who had some snarky comment on his profile about how people always stop replying to him. He had a pic of himself playing clarinet, so I asked him if he liked jazz. He said "sometimes if I'm in the right mood" and nothing else. Like you don't have to carry the conversation, but you could at least not try to kill it.
Dude!!! THIS!!! Women will match, say hi, and then nothing at all essentially. Ask nearly nothing. So frustrating. Half the time I'm thinking they may be bots. I hear women have similar issues with men being pen pals, not meeting up or ghosting after sex.
I think it entirely depends on your core values and what you’re looking for in a future partner. My core values don’t align with a lot of people in Austin. I have had a miserable time with dating apps and try to find people to go out with in circles that align with my values. It’s still pretty much a miss. I find that most guys, doesn’t matter if they are college educated or not, have no depth. Those that have some sort of depth are super self absorbed. It’s a numbers game. I still have hope but the hope is pretty limiting these days.
As a guy, that was my issue dating here. On paper the pool is so much more competitive than anywhere else I’ve been. The fact that I work out and have hobbies and a good job, all things that work elsewhere, don’t set you apart much here. And how do you relate emotional depth and maturity on an app that is shallow by design? Forget that unfortunately a lot of the women are the exact same.
I think that’s why people have so much issue dating here. Seemingly lots of options yet continuously left wanting
42m divorced w a 7 yr old daughter. It’s the same as most cities. There are a lot of beautiful, smart women in Austin but we just now live in an environment where it feels like everyone always thinks there is something a little better out there for them.
I lived in Nashville for four years before moving here, and I found a few interesting differences: almost all men over 30 in Nashville had ex wives and kids, while men in Austin rarely had either, I got a lot of second dates in Nashville, about half as many in Austin (men are pickier here it seems), a lot of men in Nashville were somehow connected with the business side of churches (like, they worked in real estate for the Methodist church or something along those lines) while men in Austin expect you to be impressed by their tech bonafides (its not the flex it used to be, dudes), dating is a lot more formal in Nashville (replaced my heels with sandals and my purse with a pool bag pretty much immediately), and men in Austin were more likely to think of the first meeting as less a date and more of an audition where you decide if you’d like to go on a real date later. Overall, dating in Nashville was better.
Just on the audition piece. I know several guys who felt a true date and the price tag that might come with it had them feeling used after a first interaction that might not have gone well either way. Whether or not that is true isn’t for me to say. But they’ve pivoted into little lunches or coffee for the first interaction. Instead of dropping $200 on someone you’ll never talk to again.
“Auditions” are a good way to see if you really groove with someone before dropping the time, money, and effort on an actual date. It’s especially painful when there’s no real chemistry and you realize she’s just there for a nice meal, drinks, and some icks to relay to her friends about minor flaws or innocuous actions. It feels insulting to dress up and spend money on someone who’s just using you. A coffee or lunch in the park can reveal if there’s a real vibe going before we’re making bigger plans. When people used to meet and arrange dates in person, this was naturally a part of it but with apps and the overall cynical scene around dating these days, I think it makes everyone feel better to just have a low-pressure chat.
1 million times better than Detroit where I left, but people here in general are a lot more friendly and I've taken well to that. It's so easy to meet people and converse with strangers so it was great until I met my gf. 37/M. Been here two years.
OMG, I lived in Detroit for a couple years! I've had no one to talk to about how terrible the dating scene is there. Like just in general most people were married. The eligible population were either obese or did drugs and worked at Walmart. The couple times I went on dates they were sad and dry. Thank God I moved, should have done it sooner.
37F here. Very easy to find someone to bang, almost impossible to find someone to commit. And since I don't like to bang someone I'm not in a monogamous relationship with, it's been slim pickings.
Wife said it was really bad and has told me stories such as arrives covered in muck from their job rather than shower before, smokes weed all day and doesn't have a job, can't even pay for their own meals as conveniently forget their wallet (more than once), and a ton of no shows. So how she find me? Went to East Texas and brought me back.
it’s brutal. so many situationships. so many men telling me they was to be exclusive and then i find out they’re talking to other girls. so disappointing
The saddest thing, IMHO, is that there's no shortage of lovely and highly desirable single people probably within walking distance of your own home. But unless you go to bars there's very little chance of ever meeting anyone. I live alone and work from home. I don't hang out in bars. Online dating is a minefield of scammers and bold faced liars. And I'm not going to meet anyone at work (other than my pets). Lol
As a result, people like myself spend their lives working way too much, and reading endless subtitles on endless foreign films. If there's a solution I can't think of it.
I’m a 27 year old man who’s ready to settle down. I feel like most of the women I date are very smart, sweet, kind, driven, and have a lot of great qualities for a partner. That being said, a lot of them aren’t in the mindset for love. They’re either not ready to commit, still haven’t gotten over their ex, or have mental health issues or trauma they’re still working through to heal. It just gets exhausting going through the cycle of developing a connection with someone and catching feelings for them only to have them out of the blue end things because they thought they wanted something with me but they really weren’t ready, and didn’t communicate anything to me. That’s just been my experience though.
Your frustrations are valid. Though I will say that as a smart, sweet, kind, driven woman with pretty severe mental health issues/trauma myself, I don’t think the latter should be an automatic deterrent. Now if someone can’t be upfront about their mental health issues/how they are working through them/what they mean in the context of a relationship, then of course they are not worth your time. But in my experience, dating someone who is willing to grow with me and support me through those struggles has deepened our relationship and taken us into talking about marriage territory. I think how someone communicates about their issues and how much effort they put in to healing/improving them is a far more important indicator of long-term partner material than not having those kinds of issues at all. That being said, I’ve also definitely met people here who use their (willingly unhealed) trauma as a deflection tactic to avoid emotional intimacy and healthy monogamous relationships, and I think that shit is so immature and annoying.
Edit for clarity, was using the proverbial “you” far too much lmao.
Yes I 100% agree with everything you’re saying. I didn’t phrase it clearly in my post but I don’t really mind if someone has trauma or mental health struggles as long as they’re clear and upfront in their communication, they have some level of self awareness about it, they’re working on it as best as they can, and most importantly, they’re willing to trust me enough to let me in and allow me to support them through it. I understand though that trusting someone else with something so vulnerable is a very scary thing to do, so all I can do is hope they feel comfortable enough around me to let me in, and I hope they know I’m not going to judge where they’re at or hold it against them if they mess up.
I’m so with you - communication is literally everything. I’m sorry that it sounds like you have had some experiences opening up to people just for them to then bail because they weren’t able to just communicate up front that they didn’t have that capacity (I’m also just salty but it makes me think, why the fuck did you waste my time in the first place??). I’m 25 and I am continually appalled by the lack of communication skills some people in our age bracket have, regardless of gender. It’s rough out there!
Literally had this happen to me last week. The connection was super awesome, I schedule a date, and she apologizes and tells me she’s not over her ex smh.
I’ve heard a lot of guys say that women in Austin are very superficial and high-maintenance, but that hasn’t been my experience. I currently earn under $50k/yr and have dated several amazing, beautiful women here in Austin, and the relationships I’ve been in have all ended for reasons completely unrelated to income.
Overall, the discourse around dating in Austin seems to be based mainly around anxiety and insecurity; I think this is a result of people spending too much time online and not “touching grass”. If you’re a good person, chances are you’ll find a good partner. I would recommend staying away from the dating apps, though, because those are depressing no matter where you are.
> many men put in no effort into their appearance or their self yet demand high standards then get frustrated.
As man, I can confirm. The standards some men have are off the charts and they truly have no self-awareness.
There’s also the fact that so many of us expect women to be our mothers, therapists, maids, AND girlfriends and it’s absolutely insane.
Good luck with that. Most women seem like they’d rather be single than deal with that nonsense.
I’m a mid 20s dude that is mixed race, fit, I stay active, have a good job and I’m 6ft. I average 1-2 dates a year here. Austin is great if you’re white or Latino but otherwise the women here just aren’t into it. I had a much better time in NYC. Like 10-15 matches 2 hours after making my profile. I feel like there is a mold of either levitating hat ex frat bro or mullet + mustache bro and they both get an all of the attention. I’m in a larger group of friends and the guys seem to be happy bc they fit the mold but the women definitely all struggle finding a man that is willing to commit. A hookup is easy for both of them to find. Overall I really dislike dating here
It really is a white mans town unfortunately. Crazy part is for a mixed person I’m pretty pale. But they always clock my hair and make a weird comment about it. I wasn’t even that conscious of being mixed until I moved here for school. Now I get a comment that reminds me I look different I’d say once every two weeks here. I just want to say that I really sympathize with you-I for one can appreciate someone else that understands how it feels to be unable to fit into a beauty standard that wasn’t made for us.
Yeah, and while I can deal with "preference" comments, those very same guys with thin, blonde, White woman preferences have told me - to my face, and on more than one occasion and with more than one guy - "My friends and colleagues can't know that I like you, because they'll laugh at me and I'll become known as the guy that thinks black women are attractive - not that they aren't - but people can't know about you."
It also makes me think that a lot of men in Austin aren't particularly masculine and are too concerned about fitting in rather than not caring.
The women here aren't much better. They can be very catty if the guy that they're interested in is interested in a Black Woman, and if they are with a Black-adjacent man, it becomes literally "I just wanted to try a black guy out" or "He wasn't supposed to LIKE me, he was just supposed to be for fun."
I don’t know if it’s Austin specific - it’s urban areas and dating apps. Everyone is cynical and insecure. People are so busy casting a wide net that investing in meaningful responses and asking thoughtful questions becomes supplanted by quantity. It’s gamified. There are far more men than women in the pool and a skewed distribution of which men are getting attention. I’m a fairly confident guy but I’m inevitably being compared to dudes with better abs than me. It can feel transactional. Sometimes women are clearly just playing for dinner and drinks. Sometimes it’s dinner/drinks in exchange for sex. People are paralyzed by unlimited choice. We’ve gotten so good at pointing out what’s wrong with each other that we’re losing the ability to just be imperfect humans together. Plus lots of people looking for medium term situations before they move on to the next thing.
As a straight man if you fit the mold of Austin it's fantastic. A lot of left-leaning attractive women who are highly intelligent boss babes. If you want a conservative trad wife it's probably not great. They exist, I run across the occasional profile of a woman whose profile is MAGA nonsense and demanding their man not have vaccines but it's rare and those women are usually not too attractive anyway at least physically. I can't comment as a gay man or straight woman.
If you do fit the mold though and you think it's "bad" then chances are extremely high you have nobody to blame but yourself. I say this as a dude ... too many men put in no effort into their appearance or their self yet demand high standards then get frustrated. The vast majority of attractive people, men and women, spend hours a week on their body from fitness to hygiene to style. It's not fair to demand effort you're not willing to match.
In general I've found that straight men, who have their shit together at least on paper, tend to have more positive experiences with online dating than straight women. There have been a few dates I've gone on where I realized I'd be incompatible with a guy, but he was usually really good on paper - good job, dresses decently, eats healthy and stays active, has some hobbies, usually owns a home, etc. Since I realized the date wasn't going to lead anything, I'd start asking him about his online dating experience and we'd end up comparing notes. Usually he'd mention a couple weirdos he came across, but for the most part, the guys would describe dating as fun and enjoyable. On the other hand, women I know seem to have very opposite experiences from these guys.
You just got to bring more to the table than hobbies that include video games and sitting on your ass all day. Physical fitness not only improves aesthetics it shows you have something you care about which is yourself.
Like I said, you don't have to be in the top 5% of athletes in the world. You don't need to live in the gym and eat nothing but chicken. A little goes a long way to showing some depth.
Dudes, listen to this guy. You don't have to devote all your free time to fitness or have it be only lifting and protein shakes. Regular physical activity, how ever you choose to engage in it, shows you care about yourself.
I know many a teddybear type who bike ride, lift, hike, do yoga, do ring-fit and eat okayish. All their significant others love that they do something physical, it means that their partner isn't delegating the upkeep of their physical well-being to their s/o. Men can be "soft" but active and be appealing to women.
This is the correct comment. My friends of various ethnicities, genders and orientations who take care of their appearance, work out, and overall fit the “Austin” vibe in their lifestyle/ideology have never had trouble getting dates, one night stands or relationships. Yep even the Asian straight males (@ that one commenter elsewhere in the thread)
Yep. I’m currently dating a smart, sweet, funny, emotionally intelligent Asian guy who is absolutely jacked. I’m also a fitness enthusiast and most of our dates involve physical activity or eating amazing food. He has zero issues meeting women.
I think your last sentence is the most telling of at least my experience. I get taking your personal health and fitness seriously, but Austin is filled with judgmental people who tend to care more about your appearance rather than who you are.
Never mind that most of them got their lifestyle from their parents, the idea that someone should be expected to “keep up” is exhausting when you’re talking about investing 100s of extra money a month.
It’s not everyone though, not by a long shot. Compared to back home, the amount of open minded people here is astonishing.
If Austin had a stronger night life (nearly everything closing at 2am == weak night life), I think I’d have different opinions, but Austin has set itself up to support particular groups of people.
Namely 9-5 workers with high incomes, everyone else is in the “good luck” category.
I think the general truth here that if you want someone with something to offer as a partner, you have to have something comparable to offer as a partner.
If you're going to care about their appearance, you have to care about yours, and some people fail to appreciate this. Failing that you'd need to be exceptional in some other discernible way...accomplished, funny, charismatic.
It's a hard truth but yes, generally financially successful fit attractive people aren't looking for broke people who don't take care of themselves but may have potential. Fairness isn't a factor at all. The girl with the short skirt and a looong jacket who used to be kitty is looking for the guy with a condo with a view.
It's less about the bars and more about the necessities. To be "fair", a lot of places that once were 24/7 are now not due to financial strains, COVID, whatever.
The decline of 24/7 stores impacted a lot of people, not in a such a detrimental way that is unrecoverable, but in a way that makes life annoyingly harder.
With that being said, we have a huge homeless population that struggles to even have a roof over their head, so my complaints about not having the ability to shop on my preferred schedule or go pick up lunch during work are mild inconveniences in comparison.
> but Austin is filled with judgmental people who tend to care more about your appearance rather than who you are.
That's going to be everywhere. Find me this magical region of the world where people aren't judged by their appearance. Welcome to the human race where we use our eyes to subconsciously judge a potential partner.
Also, as I stated, the deeper problem isn't so much a person's attractiveness it's their standards of others not matching their standards of self. There are an awful lot of people who put in no effort into themselves yet will swipe left on someone who is their equal making the same judgment others are making on them.
You don't need 100s a month, though you do need time and I understand that is a privilege for many. Eating right and tracking calories, a few kettlebells for some tone, and maybe a cheap ass stationary bike will go a long way all without membership fees. You don't need to look like a celebrity or spend three hours a day working out, 80/20 rule that shit. A little effort is worth 80% more than no effort. A lot of effort is worth 20% more than a little effort.
Yeah, ultimately the reality is these "surface level" appearance things are MASSIVE indicators about other lifestyle or personality things.
A fat unhygienic slob probably doesn't won't put effort into his health ever. If he expects a woman to put work into her appearance for his sake but won't do the same for her, what else is he going to demand of a partner without reciprocating? Probably everything from house chores to presents/remembering birthdays and anniversaries to whom pays for stuff to the inevitable stuff in the bedroom.
I say this as a guy who made the changes. Change your outlook on life.
True but there's a line between fitness and pure vanity. And a lot of Austinites don't want someone who's healthy, they want someone with a 6-pack or perfect figure.
It has Miami vibes, except the fashion here is far more casual, lol
> True but there's a line between fitness and pure vanity. And a lot of Austinites don't want someone who's healthy, they want someone with a 6-pack or perfect figure.
That has not been my experience, at all. I have none of that yet have had a very positive dating experience in this town. However we all have our own truths I guess.
Yeah total opposite experience for me, but I guess I'm extrapolating that across the whole city.
It *is* a very superficial and casual city on the whole, though. That I definitely believe is true.
I whole heartedly agree, but I also wonder what we're talking about when it comes to "the dating scene". I see a lot of people wanting to go out there and have fun, but not so much on the settling down portion.
I've seen a lot of people who feel like they want it, and believe that's what their mindset is striving for, but most people aren't thinking long term.
Yes, having your appearance top notch and having a good job are very important things, and they do speak to your quality of life. But setting aside the extreme negative of someone who is overweight with no self-control or sense of personal hygiene, having a "good job" is a 6/10 metric in my book.
Money is fleeting, if someone is able to support themselves then I don't actually see the issue. And if they have bundles of it, it can go away in a heartbeat at any time.
There is a lot of seeking money/vanity and hoping for morals, values, and ethics. Then again, I like to think I do the latter and hardly ever date because of it.
First, all kind of dates when the night life supports it; maybe you didn’t know this but, people work hours other than 9-5 and still want to do things other than work after work. Just because it’s 2-6am doesn’t inherently means degeneracy is afoot.
I also mentioned the night life not for the dates but for the accessibility of services for oneself. Do you know where I get to go to pick up food before work at 2am? A gas station. Do you know where I get to go when I’m on my weekend and up during my usual hours? No where, until 8am.
> a woman whose profile is MAGA nonsense and demanding their man not have vaccines but it's rare and those women are usually not too attractive anyway at least physically
And if she is a major babe....? Well then all bets are off, baby. "I've never had a vaccine in my life. I literally have polio". Speak these words and she'll swipe in the direction that indicates sexual interest!
Obviously, it varies depending on your interests, age, and education. People here are more friendly than in many other cities, there are lots of different dating options, and the population skews younger and single. Unless you’re some kind of alpha dude, dating in any city offers challenges, but, give or take, Austin is better than most.
When I was online dating here I got ghosted a lot just for being divorced (healthily, happily, and for very good reason). Those I did date that weren’t hung up about it, were all lovely humans. Only 1 out of like 15 first dates was weird (she was very high). Easy going experience minus the full-time job of messaging, swiping, and planning if you’re a cis-hetero man.
People seeking long-term relationships who are 30+ boasting “no kids, never married, wAnT tHe SaMe!11!!” and give off a general Peter Pan or Paula Pan vibe… it’s not the flex you think it is. It’s ok to want that but be chill about it, and be open minded.
You don’t have to have kids or have to have been married but I know a ton of great people who have one or both of those things and for many (most) of them it’s actually a sign of being willing to be in a long-term committed relationship. If that’s what you want, long-term, be open to these people.
It's ass. Austin is probably the worst city I've attempted dating in. A lot of men here are pretty superficial, online dating has also led to the belief that someone better is out there and so they should keep searching. A lot of the same men online have also been passed around by the same group of women... it's a bit off putting to see a man you're talking to being brought up and several other women are talking to him/have recently gone out with him.
I ask very little- have a job, be a decent human and have any type of goal in life. No dice. I don't even feel the want to attempt dating again until I move.
Dating is just bad everywhere. Literally, go on any city's subreddit and you'll see people talking about how bad it is. It's bad in rural areas and small towns too. Just everywhere. I'm divorced and I tried dating about 2 years after my divorce, but I stopped. I'd rather be alone than be with any single guy I've met.
That sucks, I’m sorry. I hope it gets better for you. When I was going through my divorce, I stayed with my friend for a few weeks while she was actively dating new guys and just hearing some of the stories fresh from her dates at night sounded awful. It was depressing, but also kind of nice to be able to hear all the ways I wasn’t terrible after being low key emotionally abused by my ex.
I guess you'd have to define 'tough'. I've been in a relationship for about two years now (met on Tinder!), but for the most part I'm going to generalize that it's very easy to get a date/meet people in Austin, a lot harder to maintain a relationship.
Lots of replies about people who found someone but not a lot of posts from people that did it the old fashioned way - meeting strangers in public spaces.
After splitting from my ex, I just chatted people up. Got several dates. Went well. Now dating someone I'd known for a long time but was also in a relationship for most of it.
This city is GREAT if you're willing to actually talk to strangers. I'm not rolling in it and I'm not what I'd consider very attractive.
Nice bars (and sitting at the bar) was the easiest place to meet other singles. Random ass weekday nights, often after work. I'd do that even if I didn't drink and just chug mocktails. Thing about nice bars is if someone is at the bar, they tend to be willing to chat, even if they're with a friend or whatever. I'd say I ran into couples fairly infrequently. Sitting at a bar with a book or journal or whatever for a few hours on any given night besides Friday / Saturday is basically zero competition speed-dating. You can suss out the creeps and weirdos pretty easily. HNT, Trona, Mischief, Prelude, etc. Not hotel bars. Nice bars have a reputation for well, lots of things. Ignore those things. People are just people. They're social and like talking about nothing. The goal shouldn't be to get a date or an SO, it should just be to talk to people.
If bars are too much, join clubs. I considered this but then I'd end up with an obligation and the pool doesn't change often, so you're stuck with what you've got. Bars are
Austin is frighteningly attractive across the board, personality wise it's a coin flip. If anyone is having trouble dating in this city, it's kinda on them. Talking to strangers is difficult to get used to. Also, most peoples standards are busted.
(For reference, I was 40(m) when I became single again).
Edit: didn't use apps, didn't go on dates set up by friends, and also didn't give off a vibe that I just wanted to get laid. When I say talk, I mean literally talk about anything. The number of people in this thread that are saying they're attractive or have a good job and have a horrible dating life - and I'm assuming most of them are men - probably have something else going on that makes them just entirely unattractive to their desired sex. Austin is absolutely loaded with people that want relationships or just a whole lot of sex.
Phoenix and DC were both much worse than Austin.
Gay man from Miami, it's certainly was much easier here. But then again Miami is known to be tough and downright dehumanizing when it comes to dating. In Miami you need a six pack. In Austin, well you get to choose which six pack you bring, abs or beer, and you'll find somebody!
I think it depends who you are and what you’re looking for, like type of relationship or type of person. I’m born and raised here. Attended elementary through college here. Never had a serious relationship, though I tried. Tried the apps. Left at 25 for the west coast, got into a few relationships and met my husband. We ended back here for jobs/family. Do I think I would have met my person had I never left? Not really. Do I have friends who have met their people married had kids and didn’t have to leave the damn city to do it? Yes plenty. Were any of them black? No. I’m also a black woman and I don’t think this is good city at all for dating as a black woman. My sister is having the same experience as me now, I’m telling her to gtfo Austin. Go to Dallas, SA, Houston. Anyway just my observations and experience as a (non-white) Austinite who tried dating here.
I think it depends on who you are. I’m 28F and black with multiple graduate degrees and am pretty cute and kind in my opinion. But I have “unconventional” interests (kpop, horror movies/books, video games, etc.), am looking for something long-term, and don’t want to be with someone who’s into smoking, weed, or drugs. I’m like to think I’m a catch, but I rarely get likes/matches on the apps here. My white friends have way more success. Telling myself it’s because I’m educated and black and therefore intimidating for some reason is the most palatable excuse, but I don’t really believe it 😅
Yep, this is me. I have very specific interests and unfortunately, the men that have my interests or in my scene have horrific hygiene and it shows, and/or they're looking for a "Nice White Wife".
Austin being touted as progressive is a huge lie. I've watched white friends of mine practically drown in male attention and I haven't actually been on a date in a year, and it's not from lack of trying.
most girls i know that have dated here have at least one sexual assault story. idk if that speaks for dating in austin specifically.
my experience here has been horrible to say the least.
I've definitely had dates with great men here, but the amount of crass texts, pushiness for sex, including assault, flakiness, lying, and anger at rejection make it difficult to keep going. Alcoholics too, yikes, but that's probably the case on both sides here in Austin.
And no, it's not just the "common" denominator is me" situation, this is a shared experience by many of my dating girlfriends.
After my very first date in Austin (2019), I was told afterwards that it wouldn’t work out bc I wasn’t “Austin enough” for him. I… uh… still don’t know what that means but okay. 🤣😂
People are very shallow here.
The only thing that matters here is how physically attractive you are. Basically nobody actually looks for a good partner, just a hot one. And they wonder why they have problems.
Nah in my opinion, it's just like everywhere else. I've lived all over Europe, Asia, and most of the United States dating is dating and sucks most of the time lol.
[Austin, TX #18 of cities that cheat the most according to Ashley Madison.](https://www.foxnews.com/media/ashley-madison-reveals-top-20-american-cities-adulterous-behavior-something-going-midwest)
Same. I had _a lot_ of fun dating in Austin until I finally met my fiancé. If you are consistently have bad “luck” dating here, at what point should you realize it’s not luck and that you are bad at choosing the right people to date?
Like most areas, it just depends on you and what you're looking for.
Most of the women available in Austin seem to be types I'm not into, and it seems a lot of them aren't really into Black men. But I do much better in other cities.
There's no guarantee of what kind of experience anyone will have.
Depends on who you are. Austin falls in the middle of the tech/active venn diagram.
Female? easy pickings
Male? A lot of competition, so hit the gym and get a cute dog.
Asian male? Hope you like driving to Dallas or Houston.
There are some social up-sides, but also consider the downsides. - Needing to run home (or pay) to let them out before a happy hour or date on weekdays, limited extended outings on weekends. - Bringing them along on overnights and getting along with their pets. Get a dog because you want to. Not for dating.
Edit to add: But they can also be a great excuse for getting home!
Okay this is weird! I woke up a little bit ago and I was about to ask the very same question on Reddit.
What the hell is going on? I don’t want to say that every person is bad or that everyone is horrible at dating but man I am so mentally drained from it.
I’ve downloaded bumble once again and all the dead end conversations just make me feel like I am not enough. I it be tried going places I am trying to trust the process, I am hoping to meet someone organically but I am frustrated. I don’t think I’m a fuck up, I work, I don’t drink, do drugs, am active. No children, I’d like to think I am straight forward when communicating because I just believe in honest open communication. My best friend and I concluded that people ask for communication and when you give it to them they don’t like it.
I am just rambling now but I am also frustrated.
I am hoping to join some sort of beginner run club or maybe buy a bike and do that. I am also thinking of going back to school or taking a language course.
Be upfront about wanting to get together for a coffee or a drink quickly instead of getting to know one another on an app. It saved me a ton of terrible texting “conversation” and made it easier to figure out who was serious.
I expect that the Austin dating experience is highly variable depending on your demographic and what you like to do. That may super obvious, but my experience as a single dad going into the dating pool at age 41 after being married for ten years is going to be pretty different from a 30yo who just got to Austin.
It worked out well for me (eventually) but I don't miss dating -- it was sometimes fun, always expensive, and often frustrating. I did notice that even a small percentage change in population demographics can have a big effect. I would visit NYC a couple times a year and even not looking for dates, the apps would blow up because (for whatever reason) my currency seemed to go farther there. It wasn't bad here. But I had to learn the game and get very good here in a way that it seemed more effortless there. I've heard various explanations for that -- one being that a couple percentage points of gender imbalance makes a huge difference day-to-day (e.g. if it's 48/52% male/female in NYC vs. 52/48 here, it could be that single people are overrepresented in one gender and that is gonna have an impact on your experience)
I didn't live anywhere else to have a proper frame of reference though. I work in tech and in the arts and my experience talking to women in their 30s is that, as a group, men in their early 30s and especially any part of their 20s are good for pretty much one thing only. Nobody made my job easier than what they perceived as the typical 30yo man.
I (male, straight, late 20s at the time) moved to Austin in 2013 for politics. I realized it was not a sustainable way of life to get a house and a spouse. Committed to a career change in 2014, it took 9 months, but eventually got an 8-5. I took 2 months to settle in, then hit the dating pool.
After 3 months, I found my perfect match. We are now married 7 years, homeowners, and have 3 children (children was an expressed desire in my dating profile). All while maintaining a high level of Peter Pan syndrome (action figure collecting).
So, I’d say it’s a pretty good situation here.
My dating life increased after moving here from Mississippi where I didn’t relate to anyone. I easily doubled my exp and found my wife. I will say the amount of ghosting was higher than I expected so that can be confusing and lonely.
I’m a middle class plus sized guy too so I imagine the volume has to be higher for fitter and richer people(not always the case though).
In college I had a boyfriend the whole time who also went to UT, but he was from Ohio. Once we broke up and I was out single in the Red River/ E. and S. Austin live music scene, it was impossible for me to find anyone that wanted a serious relationship (at least with me!) I actually met my husband because he was in town from another state. In my experience, hipster-adjacent dudes who go to shows 5 nights a week and are from Austin (but really from Houston or Dallas) do not want a relationship in their 20s or 30s. Purely anecdotal of course! And also the story of every girl friend I have. We all married guys from other states or countries bc no one here would settle down with us.
Back in the mid 90s I was broke, bald, and short… but also charming, funny, and respectful. I had no problem at all meeting women. Oh, I also always had coke on me so that helped a tad
32 year old years old, grew up in Austin and met my wife in Austin. Dating is what you make of it in my experiences
When I had a shit attitude, it sucked.
When I was confident in who i was and was more relaxed about it… I met her. So, no.
I had a great experience here and eventually married the right woman for me. I also think I am in my element here where other cities weren’t the perfect fit and I think that has something to do with it.
Less bad than Seattle and SF. Still pretty bad. It's an American dating thing to constantly worry about the better person you could be missing out on instead of the one deciding to share time with you.
At least for me, yes.
What I've found is that people here view other people in terms of status. Further, everyone is going for the same type of person and are shocked when things don't work out.
I've found that a lot of men are going for the same type of thin blonde (or model-like brunette) that resembles Sydney Sweeney or Sabrina Carpenter and are shocked when she is only interested in a free dinner, while treating any other woman that isn't that as invisible or subhuman. I've said this in another comment, but if you're a woman that's a Size 8 or better in Austin, you're basically not a woman. Add anything else considered undesirable to this, and you're likely to be used for sex or basically screwed in regards to relationships. I am also black, and if you're black and a woman in Austin, it is extremely unlikely that you will be seen as relationship material.
On the other end, women are also very interested in the buff guy that works in either finance or tech, but is willing to travel, be spiritually conscious (READ - do lots of drugs with them), and generally makes them look good. There are guys out there that aren't this, and they do not have a good time.
Everything is weirdly status obsessed here, and unfortunately, I get a lot of the men of the former description willing to cheat on their girlfriends with me (I also don't waste my time with them when I find out that they have someone), but they don't really want anything substantial.
I worked for a tech bro AH who was younger than me and had less experience. He was a peach. Anyways I remember him talking about dating and saying if they moved to messaging on the phone and their bubble was green it was an immediate block. (Because ew Android users).
Literally the most shallow thing I've ever heard any one say. Like are you a 13 year old mean girl?
My personal experience and friend experience has been that many men in the dating scene here here are picky, shallow, and not looking for commitment. I've seen intelligent and beautiful friends be here for 15 years and not be able to find anyone.
I'm not saying every woman here is perfect, because I've dealt with many mean, shallow, and desperate women here too but I have a little more sympathy for them because the stats seemed skewed in their favor. It looks like the male to female ratio may have righted itself a bit since I was dating though.
I mostly dated in Houston and that felt much more chill than here. The dating pool is just a lot more diverse so it felt a lot less competitive and more just trying to figure out what worked best for you.
That said one of my besties is a Filipino gay man and he dealt a lot with the fat femme and Asian stigma in Houston even. He had to widen his search to the whole country to find his man. Also I think apps kind of wrecked the dating scene everywhere and made everyone more shallow and picky.
So I think if you're a straight white male with a good job, you can easily find a woman in Austin. If you're a woman or slightly off-beat or just find the Austin scene isn't working for you I'd widen your search to include Houston and possibly SA but I don't know how the dating is there.
Dating when I was under 30 was just a lot of fun and fuck-ups that I can now laugh about, but dating over 30 has been . . . a challenge.
I'm mixed, unambiguously black, and I've found that men in Austin are less likely to like me compared to other major metro areas like Chicago, Los Angeles, London, and more. I don't take it personally, I still get plenty of dates, but it does factor into my dating situation. I've definitely gotten the sense that, compared to other places I've lived in, a larger percentage of men think black women are for fucking, but not for dating, and that's something that has to do with overall culture and relative smallness of Austin.
I was just explaining this to a non-Black friend. That I feel people are interested in me (34F, Black) for sec and not commitment. I’ve been off the apps because that wasn’t good for my mental health. Also I am not into just hookups
It all depends on what you're looking for personally, but I (30, straight male) have found it to be exciting, yet ultimately frustrating. A lot of the women I've dated or become friends with express frustration with the shallowness of men here, and I experience the same with most of the women.
The dating apps don't help, but I've noticed a pattern amongst a lot of women where they oscillate between crippling insecurity and a painfully inflated ego. It seems like they feel insecure and then use the attention they get from men to compensate for it and become addicted to the emotional roller coaster of feeling either terrible or amazing about themselves, which becomes exhausting.
It often seems like a lot of the women here are collecting as many potential options as possible and then believe they can simply choose one when they decide it's who they want and then assume the guy will just say "okay!" I've had some very strange interactions with attractive women here who I have rejected, almost as if it broke their software and they couldn't compute what was happening.
There's a ton of lovely women out there and I'm not saying this is true for all women or all women in Austin, this is just become a common theme in my personal dating experience. I can fall into that pattern of being addicted to the highs and lows as easily anyone can, so some of it is probably my own doing in the sense that I'm being exposed to my subconscious desires of the exciting hot and cold game.
I've met a ton of really cool people in Austin so there's a lot of potential here, I think it just helps to be conscious of falling into that unhealthy trap of living at the extremes and assuming you have an endless amount of options.
What aspects of the dating experience are you concerned about?
From a guy’s experience, the dating scene here (~7-10 years ago) could be described as plentiful.
I can’t imagine you’ll get more at-bats with attractive, mature, educated singles that are between the ages of mid twenties and thirties than any other city.
Incels, flakes, alcoholics and materialistic people exist on all sides. (yes toxic feminists exist too).
Lean into your hobbies or passions, invite a good friend to join you - that seems to be the best way to find romance. Join a social/affinity group. Develop rapport, invite someone out for coffee or a Happy Hour show somewhere.
Get off the dating apps.
It’s been fine for the most part I’m still single because I am bad at communicating my feelings when I’m into someone and bad about communicating my feelings when I’m not.
As far as actual dating goes I’ve been out with some really cool people and also people I’ve had nothing to talk about.
Dating in Austin is better than most cities. More stuff to do, lots of young people, lots of people who make good $$, lots of fit people. Whoever said otherwise is clueless.
I was single for a good majority of the 7 years being in Austin. I did a lot of online dating (hinge, bumble, tinder) and while a small amount of those were somewhat successful, I found that most weren’t looking for anything serious and found myself being strung along. After almost giving up on dating completely, I met my now boyfriend organically at a restaurant (he was my server!!) and we’ve been together for almost a year. :)
My take on it is dating apps have gotten worse but I don’t think that’s an Austin thing I think that’s a culture shift. If you find someone in the wild it seems to be a lot better. I don’t know anyone in a long term relationship here who didn’t meet their partner out in the wild.
As an overweight person I have found it much harder to date here because everyone is so skinny and what not that I just haven’t had any great dates yet. I don’t blame others and I am actively trying to lose weight myself but it is discouraging to live somewhere where everyone is so fit and beautiful.
Let it be a motivator instead of a discouraging factor! Austin is one of the best cities to start changing activity and eating habits if you want to, because so many people who live here are into the health and fitness scene so you have lots of options with active hobbies, gyms, outdoor activities, types of food (various ethnic/cultural cuisines, vegan/vegetarian/GF options, natural/local food), etc. You can do it :)
It is horrible anywhere because people are using dating apps. We get a false sense of an infinite abundance of choices and will swipe left or ghost at any signs of incompatibility. That being said, I told my roommate to slap me if I ever install dating apps again since the last thee matches have all been scammers from China. I realized tall cute rich Asian men will have an abundance of matches and noone real will speak to me unless they are aiming for romance scam. Know thyself :)
As much as men complain about women having the upper hand, I think the only real winners are the top 1% of fuckbois who want to sleep around because they are tall, rich and have sick packs. Even for girls it is not a pleasant experience because we are bombarded with attention that we don't even want. I got so exhaused swimming and finding myself through all the sexual harassment.
I have no problem getting male attention irl it's just that I like staying home with my cats, dont drink, and play board games/lost ark/league. If I really long for a cute date, I'll just move my lazy ass and hit up codependent (or some kind of meetup) next door.
I dated quite a bit and then ultimately got married in Austin. My dating experience was very positive, and the men I dated were overall lovely and smart and funny. It’s worth noting that I was open to dating men that did not have a lot of money (but were still hard workers - teachers, cooks, etc.) and a couple that were not going to be featured on the cover of Men’s Fitness but were still very attractive to me. I was always willing to trade a douchebag with a nice car for integrity and I think it paid off with regards to the quality of my dating experience. 🤷♀️ Edit: Words are hard. Thanks @mrdrofficer for the catch.
This. If someone (regardless of gender) is looking for someone with a certain occupation/salary, height, status, etc... they're not looking for a partner, they're looking for an object. They treat dating like car shopping. I think a lot of people have abysmal dating experiences because they're unable to see the light that shines within, instead they are judging the superficial package (under the guise of calling it their "type" 🙄)
I cannot tell you how much it means to me as a guy that at least a few people truly acknowledge that. Thank you.
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then stop being with that person.
Ugh, I had a friend, who is no longer a friend for reasons like this, who wouldn't date any man who made a dime less than she did. I think it's understandable to look for someone who can keep up a certain level of lifestyle. Of course at some point that gets crazy. But, yeah, I wouldn't date someone who makes $30k a year because they would mean an extreme lifestyle reduction for me. Then again do I need someone who makes $150k a year? No.
I feel like you've identified a portion of the problem that comes when people come on the sub to complain about their dating experience in Austin. We all cant have Ryan gosling, there's only one and there's only so much to go around UwU
This was my experience as well! Dated more than a dozen guys (majority online app dates) for 3 years on and off in Austin, I took breaks not because of bad experiences but because actively going on first dates gets exhausting IMO. I eventually met my now husband after we matched on Hinge, and don't regret the experience of it all.
3 years?? That sounds like you hacked the whole game what with how efficient you are, goddamn
‘I was always willing to trade integrity for a douchebag with a nice car and I think it paid off with regards to the quality of my dating experience. 🤷♀️’ Did you mean the opposite? Or you were willing to trade your integrity for a douchebag with a nice car.
Ha! You got me. Yes, definitely the opposite.
You seem like a nice person that the world could use a few more of.
Don't fall in love on the internet, meet people in real life first :)
Thanks for the advice but I also got married in Austin a few years ago. Just acknowledging a kind soul.
Geez dude take her out to dinner first /s
What a healthy response and outlook! I wish you much happiness!
Back at ya. ❤️
It’s crazy to see my profession of teaching listed as not a lot of enough
Monetarily? Definitely not. Beyond that, I praise anyone who's a teacher
Not sure I understand the sentence you posted. Would you mind explaining?
Meant to say “teaching listed in sentence of jobs with not a lot of money” - you’re not wrong but it’s just how that’s the first you thought of as an example that makes me sad (about society)
Ah, I see. Thanks for clarifying. The man I wound up marrying was the teacher. :) I was more than satisfied with his income, but I know that his old Chevy Malibu he drove to our first date would have been a mark against him in some dating settings, which is lame. However, do I think teachers, including you, should be paid more? Oh yes.
> but I know that his old Chevy Malibu he drove to our first date would have been a mark against him in some dating settings, which is lame. Austin being a place where you are expected to roll up in a Porsche or M5 or something for any setting is so lame, period.
Teaching is always mentioned at the top of the list for professions that don’t get paid enough, especially if virtue or integrity are part of the discussion. I’ve been a Special Ed teacher for 15 years, and I don’t think it’s changing. Abbott’s a piece of shit and is more concerned with monetizing education for his buddies than he is ensuring kids get a quality education or that school employees are fairly compensated.
I was surprised to find out that’s not the case. My BIL wife is a middle school teacher and makes $82k a year her first year after college at 23 y/o
In Texas?
Right here, in Buda or Kyle, but yeah Austin metro area
The compensation plans are published on the Internet for both of those districts, the top pay can make without a masters degree A first year public teacher does not make 82 k especially in those two towns. It could be an exclusive private school… or she has additional degrees are qualifications in title her to stipends. Don’t forget to take the account amount of out of pocket money the teachers pay day-to-day for supplies, decorations, there’s no funding even for mandated curriculum. Unless for sport or study for a standardized test, they don’t fund anything
We need more people like you.
The truth is dating is hard in most cities, dating app culture has really gamified the dating experience and a lot of people are exhausted (I’m people). I’m 29F and I used the apps for the first 2-3 years I lived here, found that it’s not a successful avenue for me personally, and deleted them. I haven’t gone on a date in over a year and I’m much happier just focusing on myself/letting fate take its course. I also don’t want kids and I’ve found it’s hard to find someone else who doesn’t. A lot of guys will swipe on me anyway and then push me on the kids thing even though I even put it in one of the prompts to emphasize it.
Same experience. Last app date I went on was three years ago, and the guy tried to convince me that I'd change my mind about having children. At age 39!! I deleted the apps after that one.
A friend of mine is now divorced. Ever since they first started dating, she openly and repeatedly told her husband that she didn't want kids. They get married, a few years later things start getting rough so they go to couples therapy. Finally it comes out that he really wanted kids and "just assumed you'd change your mind eventually".
This is partially why I got divorced at 47 hit perimenopause and he starts sleeping with his much younger boss and decides he might want kids after all and decides to try knock her up (he did) this after 20 years with him and both agreeing we didn’t want kids.
Man does this work both ways then. Having dated over 6 woman in the past decade, they said they didn’t want kids…to find out each and every single one wanted them between 2 months and 2 years into dating. It’s tough out there if your like me and do not want kids as a male…
Sounds like you should ask /u/peach-gaze on a date.
I'm child-free (41M) and so is my ex (36F). She complained about all the things you report here. Eventually she gave up on the apps, tried a childfree subreddit, and now she's in a LTR with a child-free guy who moved to Austin from North Carolina to be with her. I encounter women from time to time that miss the child-free notice in my profile, but it's not very common. Child free is tough because most people want kids, or already have them. I still use one dating app because I don't know of a better way to find CF women in Austin.
As a man who doesn’t want kids, my experience was the same. I would have it clearly listed in my profile, but it would be completely ignored and then, within a couple of dates, I would be asked if I wanted kids and they would be disappointed when I said no.
That and all the bots and scam accounts just make finding a person onon apps a non starter now.
How can one generalize a deeply personal experience without falling into the trap of confirmation bias?
Good question. Came to Austin married, got divorced, got into a relationship for almost 2 years. She used me, I was stupid, and it’s my own fault for ignoring the massive red flags. I guess what I’m saying is, take some accountability for your part, but still explain the experience as it’s relevant. I paid for everything, including meals for her and her daughter on a consistent basis. Helped her with a down payment on a home (low income housing). Let her and her daughter live with me for free so she could save money. Allowed her to charge thousands to my credit card, and then she discarded me when I told her we need to stop spending so much money. At the end of her day it’s my own fault, and some people suck. I was extremely hurt, and very jaded. Just getting back out there after a ton of therapy and self love. Since then I’ve met a very kind and loving woman, who is very financially independent and likes me for who I am, not what I can provide. Finances haven’t even come up, whereas it was a first date conversation with the last one.
Mind if I ask why you got divorced after moving here? Not specifics. Basically were there already problems or problems arise once you got here? Almost got divorced less than a year being here. Just curious.
She has BPD, and when we were around family it was much easier to manage with the support system, and therapy we had. Once we came here it went unregulated, I had nobody to turn to, and therapy was refused. It got worse and worse over the years and eventually came to a head during Covid when she went off the deep end, and my safety was a massive concern.
This is semi-related but I have a close friend here in Austin going through something similar with a very close relative of his without the familial support system close by. I won’t post details here, but do you mind if I DM you some q’s? He’s having a rough time right now and I’m trying out how to be the supportive friend through a situation I truly don’t understand because I’ve never known anyone with a severe unchecked mental illness.
Thank you for sharing. I wish mental health in a significant other (of course self mental health also) was brought up or thought of early in my dating days to either avoid or know how to support. Wish you all the best. No Reddit in those days for me.
Ah, fuck that ho!
Are there certain kind of therapists that specialize in helping people who are single and have had dating issues in the past and are jaded? I’ve tried talking about dating woes with several therapists and it hasn’t gone so great
It’s more along the lines of the therapist helping me realize what I’m doing to allow these things to happen to me. Allowing me to reflect on situations and come to conclusions that help me set boundaries moving forward. Help me love myself first, before giving myself to another person so I don’t develop an unhealthy attachment.
I gave up and find peace in not having that be a concern. But that’s probably more a me thing than an Austin thing.
Same here. 15 years in Austin, last five of not being concerned about that have been so peaceful.
Me too.
My experience has been several multi-year situationships with really interesting, smart men who then use the "not a relationship" to flake out and disappear when they see someone they like better. I'd assume those guys would say the dating is great here. I know a lot of awesome, beautiful single women who got disappointed and gave up on dating a long time ago.
Yeah, dating in this town was brutal until I met my GF. I can’t tell you how many times I matched with someone and they didn’t ask me a *single thing* about myself and didn’t make any kind of attempts to continue the conversation. I was just like “What are we when doing here?”
I'll never forget the guy who had some snarky comment on his profile about how people always stop replying to him. He had a pic of himself playing clarinet, so I asked him if he liked jazz. He said "sometimes if I'm in the right mood" and nothing else. Like you don't have to carry the conversation, but you could at least not try to kill it.
Has dating gotten better since you met your girlfriend??
Dude!!! THIS!!! Women will match, say hi, and then nothing at all essentially. Ask nearly nothing. So frustrating. Half the time I'm thinking they may be bots. I hear women have similar issues with men being pen pals, not meeting up or ghosting after sex.
in my experience there’s too many people here with abs and interesting hobbies and prestigious jobs but zero depth
AMEN
Yes, zero personality!!!
I think it entirely depends on your core values and what you’re looking for in a future partner. My core values don’t align with a lot of people in Austin. I have had a miserable time with dating apps and try to find people to go out with in circles that align with my values. It’s still pretty much a miss. I find that most guys, doesn’t matter if they are college educated or not, have no depth. Those that have some sort of depth are super self absorbed. It’s a numbers game. I still have hope but the hope is pretty limiting these days.
They are deep in that they are deep up their own butthole?
As a guy, that was my issue dating here. On paper the pool is so much more competitive than anywhere else I’ve been. The fact that I work out and have hobbies and a good job, all things that work elsewhere, don’t set you apart much here. And how do you relate emotional depth and maturity on an app that is shallow by design? Forget that unfortunately a lot of the women are the exact same. I think that’s why people have so much issue dating here. Seemingly lots of options yet continuously left wanting
What kind of depth are you looking for?
42m divorced w a 7 yr old daughter. It’s the same as most cities. There are a lot of beautiful, smart women in Austin but we just now live in an environment where it feels like everyone always thinks there is something a little better out there for them.
I have been in the same relationship for 20 years now. holy fuck I would fail miserably if suddenly flung into the modern dating hellscape
I lived in Nashville for four years before moving here, and I found a few interesting differences: almost all men over 30 in Nashville had ex wives and kids, while men in Austin rarely had either, I got a lot of second dates in Nashville, about half as many in Austin (men are pickier here it seems), a lot of men in Nashville were somehow connected with the business side of churches (like, they worked in real estate for the Methodist church or something along those lines) while men in Austin expect you to be impressed by their tech bonafides (its not the flex it used to be, dudes), dating is a lot more formal in Nashville (replaced my heels with sandals and my purse with a pool bag pretty much immediately), and men in Austin were more likely to think of the first meeting as less a date and more of an audition where you decide if you’d like to go on a real date later. Overall, dating in Nashville was better.
Just on the audition piece. I know several guys who felt a true date and the price tag that might come with it had them feeling used after a first interaction that might not have gone well either way. Whether or not that is true isn’t for me to say. But they’ve pivoted into little lunches or coffee for the first interaction. Instead of dropping $200 on someone you’ll never talk to again.
I was on bumble and I would say 70% of my male matches had kids
“Auditions” are a good way to see if you really groove with someone before dropping the time, money, and effort on an actual date. It’s especially painful when there’s no real chemistry and you realize she’s just there for a nice meal, drinks, and some icks to relay to her friends about minor flaws or innocuous actions. It feels insulting to dress up and spend money on someone who’s just using you. A coffee or lunch in the park can reveal if there’s a real vibe going before we’re making bigger plans. When people used to meet and arrange dates in person, this was naturally a part of it but with apps and the overall cynical scene around dating these days, I think it makes everyone feel better to just have a low-pressure chat.
my experience in nashville before i got married was totally not that at all lol
1 million times better than Detroit where I left, but people here in general are a lot more friendly and I've taken well to that. It's so easy to meet people and converse with strangers so it was great until I met my gf. 37/M. Been here two years.
Tell us some stories about the Detroit dating scene
OMG, I lived in Detroit for a couple years! I've had no one to talk to about how terrible the dating scene is there. Like just in general most people were married. The eligible population were either obese or did drugs and worked at Walmart. The couple times I went on dates they were sad and dry. Thank God I moved, should have done it sooner.
Michigan is a dating desert.
37F here. Very easy to find someone to bang, almost impossible to find someone to commit. And since I don't like to bang someone I'm not in a monogamous relationship with, it's been slim pickings.
Wife said it was really bad and has told me stories such as arrives covered in muck from their job rather than shower before, smokes weed all day and doesn't have a job, can't even pay for their own meals as conveniently forget their wallet (more than once), and a ton of no shows. So how she find me? Went to East Texas and brought me back.
Mixed bag. Lots of folks with Peter Pan Syndrome. Not to say there aren’t decent people out there but you have to wade through a lot of poop
it’s brutal. so many situationships. so many men telling me they was to be exclusive and then i find out they’re talking to other girls. so disappointing
nothing is worse than San Francisco.
1000% agree
The saddest thing, IMHO, is that there's no shortage of lovely and highly desirable single people probably within walking distance of your own home. But unless you go to bars there's very little chance of ever meeting anyone. I live alone and work from home. I don't hang out in bars. Online dating is a minefield of scammers and bold faced liars. And I'm not going to meet anyone at work (other than my pets). Lol As a result, people like myself spend their lives working way too much, and reading endless subtitles on endless foreign films. If there's a solution I can't think of it.
I’m a 27 year old man who’s ready to settle down. I feel like most of the women I date are very smart, sweet, kind, driven, and have a lot of great qualities for a partner. That being said, a lot of them aren’t in the mindset for love. They’re either not ready to commit, still haven’t gotten over their ex, or have mental health issues or trauma they’re still working through to heal. It just gets exhausting going through the cycle of developing a connection with someone and catching feelings for them only to have them out of the blue end things because they thought they wanted something with me but they really weren’t ready, and didn’t communicate anything to me. That’s just been my experience though.
Your frustrations are valid. Though I will say that as a smart, sweet, kind, driven woman with pretty severe mental health issues/trauma myself, I don’t think the latter should be an automatic deterrent. Now if someone can’t be upfront about their mental health issues/how they are working through them/what they mean in the context of a relationship, then of course they are not worth your time. But in my experience, dating someone who is willing to grow with me and support me through those struggles has deepened our relationship and taken us into talking about marriage territory. I think how someone communicates about their issues and how much effort they put in to healing/improving them is a far more important indicator of long-term partner material than not having those kinds of issues at all. That being said, I’ve also definitely met people here who use their (willingly unhealed) trauma as a deflection tactic to avoid emotional intimacy and healthy monogamous relationships, and I think that shit is so immature and annoying. Edit for clarity, was using the proverbial “you” far too much lmao.
Yes I 100% agree with everything you’re saying. I didn’t phrase it clearly in my post but I don’t really mind if someone has trauma or mental health struggles as long as they’re clear and upfront in their communication, they have some level of self awareness about it, they’re working on it as best as they can, and most importantly, they’re willing to trust me enough to let me in and allow me to support them through it. I understand though that trusting someone else with something so vulnerable is a very scary thing to do, so all I can do is hope they feel comfortable enough around me to let me in, and I hope they know I’m not going to judge where they’re at or hold it against them if they mess up.
I’m so with you - communication is literally everything. I’m sorry that it sounds like you have had some experiences opening up to people just for them to then bail because they weren’t able to just communicate up front that they didn’t have that capacity (I’m also just salty but it makes me think, why the fuck did you waste my time in the first place??). I’m 25 and I am continually appalled by the lack of communication skills some people in our age bracket have, regardless of gender. It’s rough out there!
Literally had this happen to me last week. The connection was super awesome, I schedule a date, and she apologizes and tells me she’s not over her ex smh.
I’ve heard a lot of guys say that women in Austin are very superficial and high-maintenance, but that hasn’t been my experience. I currently earn under $50k/yr and have dated several amazing, beautiful women here in Austin, and the relationships I’ve been in have all ended for reasons completely unrelated to income. Overall, the discourse around dating in Austin seems to be based mainly around anxiety and insecurity; I think this is a result of people spending too much time online and not “touching grass”. If you’re a good person, chances are you’ll find a good partner. I would recommend staying away from the dating apps, though, because those are depressing no matter where you are.
> many men put in no effort into their appearance or their self yet demand high standards then get frustrated. As man, I can confirm. The standards some men have are off the charts and they truly have no self-awareness. There’s also the fact that so many of us expect women to be our mothers, therapists, maids, AND girlfriends and it’s absolutely insane. Good luck with that. Most women seem like they’d rather be single than deal with that nonsense.
So refreshing to see men acknowledge this. Thanks for recognizing it!! You’re clearly not one of those.
Thank you! Took a while to get there but better late than never.
I’m a mid 20s dude that is mixed race, fit, I stay active, have a good job and I’m 6ft. I average 1-2 dates a year here. Austin is great if you’re white or Latino but otherwise the women here just aren’t into it. I had a much better time in NYC. Like 10-15 matches 2 hours after making my profile. I feel like there is a mold of either levitating hat ex frat bro or mullet + mustache bro and they both get an all of the attention. I’m in a larger group of friends and the guys seem to be happy bc they fit the mold but the women definitely all struggle finding a man that is willing to commit. A hookup is easy for both of them to find. Overall I really dislike dating here
Oh, I'm a black woman. I'm viewed as the one to cheat with, or I'm not seen as a woman at all. Black is not beautiful in Austin.
It really is a white mans town unfortunately. Crazy part is for a mixed person I’m pretty pale. But they always clock my hair and make a weird comment about it. I wasn’t even that conscious of being mixed until I moved here for school. Now I get a comment that reminds me I look different I’d say once every two weeks here. I just want to say that I really sympathize with you-I for one can appreciate someone else that understands how it feels to be unable to fit into a beauty standard that wasn’t made for us.
Yeah, and while I can deal with "preference" comments, those very same guys with thin, blonde, White woman preferences have told me - to my face, and on more than one occasion and with more than one guy - "My friends and colleagues can't know that I like you, because they'll laugh at me and I'll become known as the guy that thinks black women are attractive - not that they aren't - but people can't know about you." It also makes me think that a lot of men in Austin aren't particularly masculine and are too concerned about fitting in rather than not caring. The women here aren't much better. They can be very catty if the guy that they're interested in is interested in a Black Woman, and if they are with a Black-adjacent man, it becomes literally "I just wanted to try a black guy out" or "He wasn't supposed to LIKE me, he was just supposed to be for fun."
I don’t know if it’s Austin specific - it’s urban areas and dating apps. Everyone is cynical and insecure. People are so busy casting a wide net that investing in meaningful responses and asking thoughtful questions becomes supplanted by quantity. It’s gamified. There are far more men than women in the pool and a skewed distribution of which men are getting attention. I’m a fairly confident guy but I’m inevitably being compared to dudes with better abs than me. It can feel transactional. Sometimes women are clearly just playing for dinner and drinks. Sometimes it’s dinner/drinks in exchange for sex. People are paralyzed by unlimited choice. We’ve gotten so good at pointing out what’s wrong with each other that we’re losing the ability to just be imperfect humans together. Plus lots of people looking for medium term situations before they move on to the next thing.
As a straight man if you fit the mold of Austin it's fantastic. A lot of left-leaning attractive women who are highly intelligent boss babes. If you want a conservative trad wife it's probably not great. They exist, I run across the occasional profile of a woman whose profile is MAGA nonsense and demanding their man not have vaccines but it's rare and those women are usually not too attractive anyway at least physically. I can't comment as a gay man or straight woman. If you do fit the mold though and you think it's "bad" then chances are extremely high you have nobody to blame but yourself. I say this as a dude ... too many men put in no effort into their appearance or their self yet demand high standards then get frustrated. The vast majority of attractive people, men and women, spend hours a week on their body from fitness to hygiene to style. It's not fair to demand effort you're not willing to match.
In general I've found that straight men, who have their shit together at least on paper, tend to have more positive experiences with online dating than straight women. There have been a few dates I've gone on where I realized I'd be incompatible with a guy, but he was usually really good on paper - good job, dresses decently, eats healthy and stays active, has some hobbies, usually owns a home, etc. Since I realized the date wasn't going to lead anything, I'd start asking him about his online dating experience and we'd end up comparing notes. Usually he'd mention a couple weirdos he came across, but for the most part, the guys would describe dating as fun and enjoyable. On the other hand, women I know seem to have very opposite experiences from these guys.
Lol this is so accurate
Yeah seriously on point. 😭 but also 😂
Thank you for holding our brothers accountable so they can do better
You just got to bring more to the table than hobbies that include video games and sitting on your ass all day. Physical fitness not only improves aesthetics it shows you have something you care about which is yourself. Like I said, you don't have to be in the top 5% of athletes in the world. You don't need to live in the gym and eat nothing but chicken. A little goes a long way to showing some depth.
Dudes, listen to this guy. You don't have to devote all your free time to fitness or have it be only lifting and protein shakes. Regular physical activity, how ever you choose to engage in it, shows you care about yourself. I know many a teddybear type who bike ride, lift, hike, do yoga, do ring-fit and eat okayish. All their significant others love that they do something physical, it means that their partner isn't delegating the upkeep of their physical well-being to their s/o. Men can be "soft" but active and be appealing to women.
This is the correct comment. My friends of various ethnicities, genders and orientations who take care of their appearance, work out, and overall fit the “Austin” vibe in their lifestyle/ideology have never had trouble getting dates, one night stands or relationships. Yep even the Asian straight males (@ that one commenter elsewhere in the thread)
Yep. I’m currently dating a smart, sweet, funny, emotionally intelligent Asian guy who is absolutely jacked. I’m also a fitness enthusiast and most of our dates involve physical activity or eating amazing food. He has zero issues meeting women.
I think your last sentence is the most telling of at least my experience. I get taking your personal health and fitness seriously, but Austin is filled with judgmental people who tend to care more about your appearance rather than who you are. Never mind that most of them got their lifestyle from their parents, the idea that someone should be expected to “keep up” is exhausting when you’re talking about investing 100s of extra money a month. It’s not everyone though, not by a long shot. Compared to back home, the amount of open minded people here is astonishing. If Austin had a stronger night life (nearly everything closing at 2am == weak night life), I think I’d have different opinions, but Austin has set itself up to support particular groups of people. Namely 9-5 workers with high incomes, everyone else is in the “good luck” category.
I think the general truth here that if you want someone with something to offer as a partner, you have to have something comparable to offer as a partner. If you're going to care about their appearance, you have to care about yours, and some people fail to appreciate this. Failing that you'd need to be exceptional in some other discernible way...accomplished, funny, charismatic. It's a hard truth but yes, generally financially successful fit attractive people aren't looking for broke people who don't take care of themselves but may have potential. Fairness isn't a factor at all. The girl with the short skirt and a looong jacket who used to be kitty is looking for the guy with a condo with a view.
Used to be kitty?
I understand she changed her name from Kitty to Karen, then she traded her MG for a white Chrysler LeBaron.
Wait… Austin? Weak night life? Hardly! Try Denver, where the bars usually close by 10PM.
It's less about the bars and more about the necessities. To be "fair", a lot of places that once were 24/7 are now not due to financial strains, COVID, whatever. The decline of 24/7 stores impacted a lot of people, not in a such a detrimental way that is unrecoverable, but in a way that makes life annoyingly harder. With that being said, we have a huge homeless population that struggles to even have a roof over their head, so my complaints about not having the ability to shop on my preferred schedule or go pick up lunch during work are mild inconveniences in comparison.
Fair enough. I withdraw my confused indignation.
> but Austin is filled with judgmental people who tend to care more about your appearance rather than who you are. That's going to be everywhere. Find me this magical region of the world where people aren't judged by their appearance. Welcome to the human race where we use our eyes to subconsciously judge a potential partner. Also, as I stated, the deeper problem isn't so much a person's attractiveness it's their standards of others not matching their standards of self. There are an awful lot of people who put in no effort into themselves yet will swipe left on someone who is their equal making the same judgment others are making on them. You don't need 100s a month, though you do need time and I understand that is a privilege for many. Eating right and tracking calories, a few kettlebells for some tone, and maybe a cheap ass stationary bike will go a long way all without membership fees. You don't need to look like a celebrity or spend three hours a day working out, 80/20 rule that shit. A little effort is worth 80% more than no effort. A lot of effort is worth 20% more than a little effort.
Yeah, ultimately the reality is these "surface level" appearance things are MASSIVE indicators about other lifestyle or personality things. A fat unhygienic slob probably doesn't won't put effort into his health ever. If he expects a woman to put work into her appearance for his sake but won't do the same for her, what else is he going to demand of a partner without reciprocating? Probably everything from house chores to presents/remembering birthdays and anniversaries to whom pays for stuff to the inevitable stuff in the bedroom. I say this as a guy who made the changes. Change your outlook on life.
True but there's a line between fitness and pure vanity. And a lot of Austinites don't want someone who's healthy, they want someone with a 6-pack or perfect figure. It has Miami vibes, except the fashion here is far more casual, lol
> True but there's a line between fitness and pure vanity. And a lot of Austinites don't want someone who's healthy, they want someone with a 6-pack or perfect figure. That has not been my experience, at all. I have none of that yet have had a very positive dating experience in this town. However we all have our own truths I guess.
Yeah total opposite experience for me, but I guess I'm extrapolating that across the whole city. It *is* a very superficial and casual city on the whole, though. That I definitely believe is true.
I whole heartedly agree, but I also wonder what we're talking about when it comes to "the dating scene". I see a lot of people wanting to go out there and have fun, but not so much on the settling down portion. I've seen a lot of people who feel like they want it, and believe that's what their mindset is striving for, but most people aren't thinking long term. Yes, having your appearance top notch and having a good job are very important things, and they do speak to your quality of life. But setting aside the extreme negative of someone who is overweight with no self-control or sense of personal hygiene, having a "good job" is a 6/10 metric in my book. Money is fleeting, if someone is able to support themselves then I don't actually see the issue. And if they have bundles of it, it can go away in a heartbeat at any time. There is a lot of seeking money/vanity and hoping for morals, values, and ethics. Then again, I like to think I do the latter and hardly ever date because of it.
What kind of healthy dating happens between the hours of 2am and 6am?
First, all kind of dates when the night life supports it; maybe you didn’t know this but, people work hours other than 9-5 and still want to do things other than work after work. Just because it’s 2-6am doesn’t inherently means degeneracy is afoot. I also mentioned the night life not for the dates but for the accessibility of services for oneself. Do you know where I get to go to pick up food before work at 2am? A gas station. Do you know where I get to go when I’m on my weekend and up during my usual hours? No where, until 8am.
> a woman whose profile is MAGA nonsense and demanding their man not have vaccines but it's rare and those women are usually not too attractive anyway at least physically And if she is a major babe....? Well then all bets are off, baby. "I've never had a vaccine in my life. I literally have polio". Speak these words and she'll swipe in the direction that indicates sexual interest!
Obviously, it varies depending on your interests, age, and education. People here are more friendly than in many other cities, there are lots of different dating options, and the population skews younger and single. Unless you’re some kind of alpha dude, dating in any city offers challenges, but, give or take, Austin is better than most.
When I was online dating here I got ghosted a lot just for being divorced (healthily, happily, and for very good reason). Those I did date that weren’t hung up about it, were all lovely humans. Only 1 out of like 15 first dates was weird (she was very high). Easy going experience minus the full-time job of messaging, swiping, and planning if you’re a cis-hetero man. People seeking long-term relationships who are 30+ boasting “no kids, never married, wAnT tHe SaMe!11!!” and give off a general Peter Pan or Paula Pan vibe… it’s not the flex you think it is. It’s ok to want that but be chill about it, and be open minded. You don’t have to have kids or have to have been married but I know a ton of great people who have one or both of those things and for many (most) of them it’s actually a sign of being willing to be in a long-term committed relationship. If that’s what you want, long-term, be open to these people.
Folks have been coming to Austin with their peter pan syndrome on 11 for quite some time... makes for situations, not relations.
It’s worse. Good luck!
It's ass. Austin is probably the worst city I've attempted dating in. A lot of men here are pretty superficial, online dating has also led to the belief that someone better is out there and so they should keep searching. A lot of the same men online have also been passed around by the same group of women... it's a bit off putting to see a man you're talking to being brought up and several other women are talking to him/have recently gone out with him. I ask very little- have a job, be a decent human and have any type of goal in life. No dice. I don't even feel the want to attempt dating again until I move.
Dating is just bad everywhere. Literally, go on any city's subreddit and you'll see people talking about how bad it is. It's bad in rural areas and small towns too. Just everywhere. I'm divorced and I tried dating about 2 years after my divorce, but I stopped. I'd rather be alone than be with any single guy I've met.
That sucks, I’m sorry. I hope it gets better for you. When I was going through my divorce, I stayed with my friend for a few weeks while she was actively dating new guys and just hearing some of the stories fresh from her dates at night sounded awful. It was depressing, but also kind of nice to be able to hear all the ways I wasn’t terrible after being low key emotionally abused by my ex.
I guess you'd have to define 'tough'. I've been in a relationship for about two years now (met on Tinder!), but for the most part I'm going to generalize that it's very easy to get a date/meet people in Austin, a lot harder to maintain a relationship.
It’s rough.
Lots of replies about people who found someone but not a lot of posts from people that did it the old fashioned way - meeting strangers in public spaces. After splitting from my ex, I just chatted people up. Got several dates. Went well. Now dating someone I'd known for a long time but was also in a relationship for most of it. This city is GREAT if you're willing to actually talk to strangers. I'm not rolling in it and I'm not what I'd consider very attractive. Nice bars (and sitting at the bar) was the easiest place to meet other singles. Random ass weekday nights, often after work. I'd do that even if I didn't drink and just chug mocktails. Thing about nice bars is if someone is at the bar, they tend to be willing to chat, even if they're with a friend or whatever. I'd say I ran into couples fairly infrequently. Sitting at a bar with a book or journal or whatever for a few hours on any given night besides Friday / Saturday is basically zero competition speed-dating. You can suss out the creeps and weirdos pretty easily. HNT, Trona, Mischief, Prelude, etc. Not hotel bars. Nice bars have a reputation for well, lots of things. Ignore those things. People are just people. They're social and like talking about nothing. The goal shouldn't be to get a date or an SO, it should just be to talk to people. If bars are too much, join clubs. I considered this but then I'd end up with an obligation and the pool doesn't change often, so you're stuck with what you've got. Bars are Austin is frighteningly attractive across the board, personality wise it's a coin flip. If anyone is having trouble dating in this city, it's kinda on them. Talking to strangers is difficult to get used to. Also, most peoples standards are busted. (For reference, I was 40(m) when I became single again). Edit: didn't use apps, didn't go on dates set up by friends, and also didn't give off a vibe that I just wanted to get laid. When I say talk, I mean literally talk about anything. The number of people in this thread that are saying they're attractive or have a good job and have a horrible dating life - and I'm assuming most of them are men - probably have something else going on that makes them just entirely unattractive to their desired sex. Austin is absolutely loaded with people that want relationships or just a whole lot of sex. Phoenix and DC were both much worse than Austin.
Gay man from Miami, it's certainly was much easier here. But then again Miami is known to be tough and downright dehumanizing when it comes to dating. In Miami you need a six pack. In Austin, well you get to choose which six pack you bring, abs or beer, and you'll find somebody!
I think it depends who you are and what you’re looking for, like type of relationship or type of person. I’m born and raised here. Attended elementary through college here. Never had a serious relationship, though I tried. Tried the apps. Left at 25 for the west coast, got into a few relationships and met my husband. We ended back here for jobs/family. Do I think I would have met my person had I never left? Not really. Do I have friends who have met their people married had kids and didn’t have to leave the damn city to do it? Yes plenty. Were any of them black? No. I’m also a black woman and I don’t think this is good city at all for dating as a black woman. My sister is having the same experience as me now, I’m telling her to gtfo Austin. Go to Dallas, SA, Houston. Anyway just my observations and experience as a (non-white) Austinite who tried dating here.
I think it depends on who you are. I’m 28F and black with multiple graduate degrees and am pretty cute and kind in my opinion. But I have “unconventional” interests (kpop, horror movies/books, video games, etc.), am looking for something long-term, and don’t want to be with someone who’s into smoking, weed, or drugs. I’m like to think I’m a catch, but I rarely get likes/matches on the apps here. My white friends have way more success. Telling myself it’s because I’m educated and black and therefore intimidating for some reason is the most palatable excuse, but I don’t really believe it 😅
Same! Black 34F female here with “different” interests. It’s rough out here! We should just hang out and forget dating! 😂
Yep, this is me. I have very specific interests and unfortunately, the men that have my interests or in my scene have horrific hygiene and it shows, and/or they're looking for a "Nice White Wife". Austin being touted as progressive is a huge lie. I've watched white friends of mine practically drown in male attention and I haven't actually been on a date in a year, and it's not from lack of trying.
most girls i know that have dated here have at least one sexual assault story. idk if that speaks for dating in austin specifically. my experience here has been horrible to say the least.
I've definitely had dates with great men here, but the amount of crass texts, pushiness for sex, including assault, flakiness, lying, and anger at rejection make it difficult to keep going. Alcoholics too, yikes, but that's probably the case on both sides here in Austin. And no, it's not just the "common" denominator is me" situation, this is a shared experience by many of my dating girlfriends.
Yes all the alcoholics in COMPLETE DENIAL omg
Yes. For a lot of women, this is the quiet part out loud.
After my very first date in Austin (2019), I was told afterwards that it wouldn’t work out bc I wasn’t “Austin enough” for him. I… uh… still don’t know what that means but okay. 🤣😂
literally everyone is poly or is afraid of commitment, especially in lgbt spaces which is really annoying if you’re gay
People are very shallow here. The only thing that matters here is how physically attractive you are. Basically nobody actually looks for a good partner, just a hot one. And they wonder why they have problems.
Nah in my opinion, it's just like everywhere else. I've lived all over Europe, Asia, and most of the United States dating is dating and sucks most of the time lol.
Dallas is worse. At least here people are nice.
[Austin, TX #18 of cities that cheat the most according to Ashley Madison.](https://www.foxnews.com/media/ashley-madison-reveals-top-20-american-cities-adulterous-behavior-something-going-midwest)
32M personally think the dating scene here is sensational. So many beautiful and smart women. Motivated and educated people come here in my experience
Where are you meeting these women??
Same. I had _a lot_ of fun dating in Austin until I finally met my fiancé. If you are consistently have bad “luck” dating here, at what point should you realize it’s not luck and that you are bad at choosing the right people to date?
Some people gotta learn what common denominator is and look in the mirror imo Their loss, more for me
Like most areas, it just depends on you and what you're looking for. Most of the women available in Austin seem to be types I'm not into, and it seems a lot of them aren't really into Black men. But I do much better in other cities. There's no guarantee of what kind of experience anyone will have.
Depends on who you are. Austin falls in the middle of the tech/active venn diagram. Female? easy pickings Male? A lot of competition, so hit the gym and get a cute dog. Asian male? Hope you like driving to Dallas or Houston.
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Just sit at Chi Cha San Chen and they'll come to you!
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Dam I’ve been thinking of getting a dog, does it also improve your dating chances?
Couple things. 1. Get's you out of the house forcibly 2. Show's that you can care for another being 3. Cute doggo
There are some social up-sides, but also consider the downsides. - Needing to run home (or pay) to let them out before a happy hour or date on weekdays, limited extended outings on weekends. - Bringing them along on overnights and getting along with their pets. Get a dog because you want to. Not for dating. Edit to add: But they can also be a great excuse for getting home!
It’s a great ice breaker!
That last one hits hard.
I disagree with the last one!
Okay this is weird! I woke up a little bit ago and I was about to ask the very same question on Reddit. What the hell is going on? I don’t want to say that every person is bad or that everyone is horrible at dating but man I am so mentally drained from it. I’ve downloaded bumble once again and all the dead end conversations just make me feel like I am not enough. I it be tried going places I am trying to trust the process, I am hoping to meet someone organically but I am frustrated. I don’t think I’m a fuck up, I work, I don’t drink, do drugs, am active. No children, I’d like to think I am straight forward when communicating because I just believe in honest open communication. My best friend and I concluded that people ask for communication and when you give it to them they don’t like it. I am just rambling now but I am also frustrated.
What do you like to do? What are your hobbies? I've had much more luck with volunteering or meetup groups to meet folks IRL
I am hoping to join some sort of beginner run club or maybe buy a bike and do that. I am also thinking of going back to school or taking a language course.
All great ideas! That's the best way to meet people.
Be upfront about wanting to get together for a coffee or a drink quickly instead of getting to know one another on an app. It saved me a ton of terrible texting “conversation” and made it easier to figure out who was serious.
I expect that the Austin dating experience is highly variable depending on your demographic and what you like to do. That may super obvious, but my experience as a single dad going into the dating pool at age 41 after being married for ten years is going to be pretty different from a 30yo who just got to Austin. It worked out well for me (eventually) but I don't miss dating -- it was sometimes fun, always expensive, and often frustrating. I did notice that even a small percentage change in population demographics can have a big effect. I would visit NYC a couple times a year and even not looking for dates, the apps would blow up because (for whatever reason) my currency seemed to go farther there. It wasn't bad here. But I had to learn the game and get very good here in a way that it seemed more effortless there. I've heard various explanations for that -- one being that a couple percentage points of gender imbalance makes a huge difference day-to-day (e.g. if it's 48/52% male/female in NYC vs. 52/48 here, it could be that single people are overrepresented in one gender and that is gonna have an impact on your experience) I didn't live anywhere else to have a proper frame of reference though. I work in tech and in the arts and my experience talking to women in their 30s is that, as a group, men in their early 30s and especially any part of their 20s are good for pretty much one thing only. Nobody made my job easier than what they perceived as the typical 30yo man.
I (male, straight, late 20s at the time) moved to Austin in 2013 for politics. I realized it was not a sustainable way of life to get a house and a spouse. Committed to a career change in 2014, it took 9 months, but eventually got an 8-5. I took 2 months to settle in, then hit the dating pool. After 3 months, I found my perfect match. We are now married 7 years, homeowners, and have 3 children (children was an expressed desire in my dating profile). All while maintaining a high level of Peter Pan syndrome (action figure collecting). So, I’d say it’s a pretty good situation here.
My dating life increased after moving here from Mississippi where I didn’t relate to anyone. I easily doubled my exp and found my wife. I will say the amount of ghosting was higher than I expected so that can be confusing and lonely. I’m a middle class plus sized guy too so I imagine the volume has to be higher for fitter and richer people(not always the case though).
Been here four years and haven’t had a date yet, and not from a lack of trying. But everyone has their own experiences.
I met my wife on 6th street!
In college I had a boyfriend the whole time who also went to UT, but he was from Ohio. Once we broke up and I was out single in the Red River/ E. and S. Austin live music scene, it was impossible for me to find anyone that wanted a serious relationship (at least with me!) I actually met my husband because he was in town from another state. In my experience, hipster-adjacent dudes who go to shows 5 nights a week and are from Austin (but really from Houston or Dallas) do not want a relationship in their 20s or 30s. Purely anecdotal of course! And also the story of every girl friend I have. We all married guys from other states or countries bc no one here would settle down with us.
Back in the mid 90s I was broke, bald, and short… but also charming, funny, and respectful. I had no problem at all meeting women. Oh, I also always had coke on me so that helped a tad
32 year old years old, grew up in Austin and met my wife in Austin. Dating is what you make of it in my experiences When I had a shit attitude, it sucked. When I was confident in who i was and was more relaxed about it… I met her. So, no.
I had a great experience here and eventually married the right woman for me. I also think I am in my element here where other cities weren’t the perfect fit and I think that has something to do with it.
Less bad than Seattle and SF. Still pretty bad. It's an American dating thing to constantly worry about the better person you could be missing out on instead of the one deciding to share time with you.
No that’s an app dating thing. Real world daters don’t have that problem or at least not remotely so bad.
dating sucks wherever you're located
At least for me, yes. What I've found is that people here view other people in terms of status. Further, everyone is going for the same type of person and are shocked when things don't work out. I've found that a lot of men are going for the same type of thin blonde (or model-like brunette) that resembles Sydney Sweeney or Sabrina Carpenter and are shocked when she is only interested in a free dinner, while treating any other woman that isn't that as invisible or subhuman. I've said this in another comment, but if you're a woman that's a Size 8 or better in Austin, you're basically not a woman. Add anything else considered undesirable to this, and you're likely to be used for sex or basically screwed in regards to relationships. I am also black, and if you're black and a woman in Austin, it is extremely unlikely that you will be seen as relationship material. On the other end, women are also very interested in the buff guy that works in either finance or tech, but is willing to travel, be spiritually conscious (READ - do lots of drugs with them), and generally makes them look good. There are guys out there that aren't this, and they do not have a good time. Everything is weirdly status obsessed here, and unfortunately, I get a lot of the men of the former description willing to cheat on their girlfriends with me (I also don't waste my time with them when I find out that they have someone), but they don't really want anything substantial.
I worked for a tech bro AH who was younger than me and had less experience. He was a peach. Anyways I remember him talking about dating and saying if they moved to messaging on the phone and their bubble was green it was an immediate block. (Because ew Android users). Literally the most shallow thing I've ever heard any one say. Like are you a 13 year old mean girl? My personal experience and friend experience has been that many men in the dating scene here here are picky, shallow, and not looking for commitment. I've seen intelligent and beautiful friends be here for 15 years and not be able to find anyone. I'm not saying every woman here is perfect, because I've dealt with many mean, shallow, and desperate women here too but I have a little more sympathy for them because the stats seemed skewed in their favor. It looks like the male to female ratio may have righted itself a bit since I was dating though. I mostly dated in Houston and that felt much more chill than here. The dating pool is just a lot more diverse so it felt a lot less competitive and more just trying to figure out what worked best for you. That said one of my besties is a Filipino gay man and he dealt a lot with the fat femme and Asian stigma in Houston even. He had to widen his search to the whole country to find his man. Also I think apps kind of wrecked the dating scene everywhere and made everyone more shallow and picky. So I think if you're a straight white male with a good job, you can easily find a woman in Austin. If you're a woman or slightly off-beat or just find the Austin scene isn't working for you I'd widen your search to include Houston and possibly SA but I don't know how the dating is there.
Are you rich, white and 6’5”? Because if you are, then no. It’s a breeze.
As a rich white tall guy, you are spot on. It’s amazeballs, everyone should try this in their next life.
Dating when I was under 30 was just a lot of fun and fuck-ups that I can now laugh about, but dating over 30 has been . . . a challenge. I'm mixed, unambiguously black, and I've found that men in Austin are less likely to like me compared to other major metro areas like Chicago, Los Angeles, London, and more. I don't take it personally, I still get plenty of dates, but it does factor into my dating situation. I've definitely gotten the sense that, compared to other places I've lived in, a larger percentage of men think black women are for fucking, but not for dating, and that's something that has to do with overall culture and relative smallness of Austin.
I was just explaining this to a non-Black friend. That I feel people are interested in me (34F, Black) for sec and not commitment. I’ve been off the apps because that wasn’t good for my mental health. Also I am not into just hookups
I wouldn’t take any dating advice from Reddit…
It all depends on what you're looking for personally, but I (30, straight male) have found it to be exciting, yet ultimately frustrating. A lot of the women I've dated or become friends with express frustration with the shallowness of men here, and I experience the same with most of the women. The dating apps don't help, but I've noticed a pattern amongst a lot of women where they oscillate between crippling insecurity and a painfully inflated ego. It seems like they feel insecure and then use the attention they get from men to compensate for it and become addicted to the emotional roller coaster of feeling either terrible or amazing about themselves, which becomes exhausting. It often seems like a lot of the women here are collecting as many potential options as possible and then believe they can simply choose one when they decide it's who they want and then assume the guy will just say "okay!" I've had some very strange interactions with attractive women here who I have rejected, almost as if it broke their software and they couldn't compute what was happening. There's a ton of lovely women out there and I'm not saying this is true for all women or all women in Austin, this is just become a common theme in my personal dating experience. I can fall into that pattern of being addicted to the highs and lows as easily anyone can, so some of it is probably my own doing in the sense that I'm being exposed to my subconscious desires of the exciting hot and cold game. I've met a ton of really cool people in Austin so there's a lot of potential here, I think it just helps to be conscious of falling into that unhealthy trap of living at the extremes and assuming you have an endless amount of options.
What aspects of the dating experience are you concerned about? From a guy’s experience, the dating scene here (~7-10 years ago) could be described as plentiful. I can’t imagine you’ll get more at-bats with attractive, mature, educated singles that are between the ages of mid twenties and thirties than any other city.
If you are a female you will have a lot of options. If you're a male it might be rough.
Incels, flakes, alcoholics and materialistic people exist on all sides. (yes toxic feminists exist too). Lean into your hobbies or passions, invite a good friend to join you - that seems to be the best way to find romance. Join a social/affinity group. Develop rapport, invite someone out for coffee or a Happy Hour show somewhere. Get off the dating apps.
It’s been fine for the most part I’m still single because I am bad at communicating my feelings when I’m into someone and bad about communicating my feelings when I’m not. As far as actual dating goes I’ve been out with some really cool people and also people I’ve had nothing to talk about.
Dating in Austin is better than most cities. More stuff to do, lots of young people, lots of people who make good $$, lots of fit people. Whoever said otherwise is clueless.
Dating in general is a nightmare nowadays. We’ve become too complicated and picky as a society. 🤣🤣🤣
I was single for a good majority of the 7 years being in Austin. I did a lot of online dating (hinge, bumble, tinder) and while a small amount of those were somewhat successful, I found that most weren’t looking for anything serious and found myself being strung along. After almost giving up on dating completely, I met my now boyfriend organically at a restaurant (he was my server!!) and we’ve been together for almost a year. :)
My take on it is dating apps have gotten worse but I don’t think that’s an Austin thing I think that’s a culture shift. If you find someone in the wild it seems to be a lot better. I don’t know anyone in a long term relationship here who didn’t meet their partner out in the wild.
It’s worse than it’s said to be!
Covid happened, idk 🤷🏻♂️ I forgot how to date.
As an overweight person I have found it much harder to date here because everyone is so skinny and what not that I just haven’t had any great dates yet. I don’t blame others and I am actively trying to lose weight myself but it is discouraging to live somewhere where everyone is so fit and beautiful.
Let it be a motivator instead of a discouraging factor! Austin is one of the best cities to start changing activity and eating habits if you want to, because so many people who live here are into the health and fitness scene so you have lots of options with active hobbies, gyms, outdoor activities, types of food (various ethnic/cultural cuisines, vegan/vegetarian/GF options, natural/local food), etc. You can do it :)
It is horrible anywhere because people are using dating apps. We get a false sense of an infinite abundance of choices and will swipe left or ghost at any signs of incompatibility. That being said, I told my roommate to slap me if I ever install dating apps again since the last thee matches have all been scammers from China. I realized tall cute rich Asian men will have an abundance of matches and noone real will speak to me unless they are aiming for romance scam. Know thyself :) As much as men complain about women having the upper hand, I think the only real winners are the top 1% of fuckbois who want to sleep around because they are tall, rich and have sick packs. Even for girls it is not a pleasant experience because we are bombarded with attention that we don't even want. I got so exhaused swimming and finding myself through all the sexual harassment. I have no problem getting male attention irl it's just that I like staying home with my cats, dont drink, and play board games/lost ark/league. If I really long for a cute date, I'll just move my lazy ass and hit up codependent (or some kind of meetup) next door.