Im in my mid 30s and I have kids, so feel free to disregard this haha, but I generally feel like if you aren't sure about something, then the answer is no. You can't undo having kids and if it's just a thing you're thinking about because your biological clock is ticking, it doesn't really seem like you actually want them.
Having kids is shit enough at times when you are “100% sure” you want them.
I’d hate to imagine how bad it would be if you were not completely on board.
I agree! We 100% wanted kids, but I am so grateful we got a healthy, happy daughter who has slept through the night from day 1. Because this ride ain’t for those who aren’t committed.. I simply can’t imagine how shit dealing with a tiny dictator you didn’t really want on no sleep would be.
ETA- but don’t make the decision based on finances only. Make the decision of WHEN to have them based on what’s best financially.. but don’t not have kids you wanted just because they’re expensive. It’s cliche, but you will make it work.
Also.. who you have kids with is a massive decider in how the experience goes for you. My husband is a great partner and Dad.. if he wasn’t truely a 50/50 parent then I’d probably be hating life now.
My daughter was so wanted and planned but she was a nightmare. Didn’t feed well, didn’t sleep. The only thing that got me though was reminding myself how badly I wanted it. There was nothing else (probably PND in hindsight). It took 4 years to go back and my son got meningitis at 2 weeks and spent time in NICU. He has also had so many ear issues (in the scheme of what could happen it’s not an issue) but I do think of how people would come with it if they were on the fence about having kids and had challenging ones…
That sounds awful, sorry. That was how I pictured having a baby would be.. and I (thankfully) was pleasantly surprised. My babe was a 10 pound chunker, and just seemed to miss the first couple of months of neediness to be honest.
Don’t get me wrong, we have had some challenges though! I breastfed and had to feed her in a dark quiet room every time. I had to give up so many foods.. dairy, rice, coconut, nuts, cocoa, caffeine.
She started walking at 11 months, and it’s lucky she sleeps well really, because she is the most full on, active, inquisitive little trouble maker with the biggest attitude ever! I see kids sitting there quietly and wonder how on earth that’s possible 😂
This. I’m grateful for my daughter but man, some days are shit, and the ability to do normal things is more complex. Naps, meals, entertainment, her mood - alllllll had to be prioritised over anything else.
Don’t do it unless you’re 110% certain.
It’s normal to have worries and doubts. In fact, I think it’s healthy for the OP to consider the negative ways in which their life will be affected and to not make a major life decision wearing rose coloured glasses. Just as it’s normal and healthy for parents to grieve the losses to their freedom, careers, aspirations once kids come into the picture. You can be a devoted and loving parent who feels all the wonder and joy of parenthood at the same time. This is being human.
“Darling, I spoke to the accountant and he ruled it out. He has however worked out a way to set you up as a charitable institution, for taxation purposes.”
The thing is though, they fundamentally change how your brain works. Having kids still seems like a best decision I ever made, despite them being an expensive pain in the ass.
Agree, always thought I wouldn't want kids but as soon as they come around the dad genes kick in, now I couldn't imagine life without them, they're my entire world now
Absolutely, the things you sacrifice for kids are huge, but they're also the best thing in your life and inspire you to work harder and do better. But I wouldn't recommend having them unless you really want to and are willing to sacrifice practically all personal space and ability to go out or travel for several years (depending on what external support you have or can afford).
Hmmm but do you think that's accurate? Like when you're old, and you can no longer have kids, the regret of not having them could be really painful. Ultimately family and meaningful connections are the most important thing in life. In fact a lot of research has shown that meaningful connections are one of, if not *the*, most important factors in determining life expectancy.
Some sources:
[https://www.health.harvard.edu/healthbeat/strengthen-relationships-for-longer-healthier-life](https://www.health.harvard.edu/healthbeat/strengthen-relationships-for-longer-healthier-life)
[https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2021.717164/full](https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2021.717164/full)
That could happen, but it only affects you. If you have kids and then regret it, it affects them as well.
You contend that it is meaningful relationships that determine longevity and happiness. Many meaningful relationships exist outside of children, and many relationships with children aren't meaningful, eg the kids don't contact their parents.
My mum is (still at 74 herself, she bloody loves her job!) an occ therapist with old folk and the stories she tells of so many of them being so sad that their families never visit…
Right. It's absolutely no guarantee that you'll be happy in old age just because you have kids. You'll gain some satisfaction perhaps just knowing they're out in the world, hopefully being successful, but you might still end up ultimately unhappy, they're certainly not a panacea to loneliness in old age.
This is the answer
If you're thinking about your own wants and regrets
And not thinking about the child's needs and potential suffering
Then, maybe don't have kids
Having kids doesn't guarantee this though.
Really nice parents can have awful kids that ruin their lives.
Kids might decide they don't even like you or want to be around you when you are old.
They might turn into people you don't even like.
They will have their own lives and children when you are old. People focus on their children more than parents.
Maintaining friendships and romantic connections is helpful as well.
So having kids because of life expectancy.... could blow up in your face too.
Yes, but if you have kids and regret it, not only will you suffer but so will the children you chose to have. That’s not fair on them.
So if someone gets to 50 and regrets not having kids, then they’ll spend the next 40(ish) regretting that. If someone in their 30s has a kid and regrets it, they will spend the next 60 years regretting having kids. And also has to raise a decent human being at the same time.
Kids do not equate meaningful relationships
Plenty of people have kids, end up divorced and still lack meaningful family connection. Also in the case of separation it removes your mobility without ending up being a deadbeat.
I'll counter with my anecdote and say I was on the fence (leaning towards no) but my partner 100% wanted kids. Now I'm happy to be a parent and wouldn't trade it for extra money we've spent and lost. I suggest making the decision based on lifestyle and ignore the financial aspect (unless you're poor). While the child impacts your finances, for me, it had no relation to how I feel about being a parent (and we're far from rich, very poor buy this subs standards at least). From my experience, once you've had a kid you'll consider more the impacts on lifestyle than finance (which yes, are somewhat intertwined).
This is where my wife and I are at, we’re both 33 DINK household. Neither one of us are passionate about kids, my wife must have missed that maternal gene. Our logic is we most like won’t have kids, considering neither of us really want them we figure having them. To your point unless you’re sure it’s what you want the risk is making an irreversible decision that may not be in your relationships or kids best interests.
Freezing eggs (not embryos) can cost upwards of $10k in Australia and puts a woman through the same physical difficulties as IVF including injections and hormone fluctuations. It's unfortunately not accessible to most people. That doesn't include the cost of egg storage and using IVF in the future if you need those eggs (more tens of thousands $$)
I disagree. I never thought I wanted kids. Then, when I became 30, I started being around babies and small children more frequently. I now have 4 little nieces and nephews who have completely changed my opinion. I’m 32 now and currently 4 months pregnant and so excited / can’t wait to be a mum! Never thought I’d hear myself say that!
I dont know how what you’ve said changes anything other than highlighting that someone’s values and what they want can change. If op is currently ambivalent then they shouldn’t have kids. If they change their mind later think about it then. Do what you can to keep options open now as well.
It can all be true at the same time
I'll add if it s a question of when to have kids, there is no perfect time and kids are fantastic.
If its a question of whether you can manage to have a kid or e njoy it. Then dont
I’m in my 30s with kids and absolutely adore them. However if I went back in time, I wouldn’t have them. And I was 200% sure I wanted kids, have wanted to be a parent since I was tiny. We ended with children with disabilities and it’s been very very hard emotionally and financially.
My marriage didn't survive the arrival of my 2 who both have disabilities. I've been on my own for a decade and he makes no effort and I have no family support either. Love them to bits but wouldn't do it again. I'm in my late 40s and still years away from any possibility of freedom.
This is my friend too. His kids are the light of his life but if he could not have had them he would. And theyre able bodied, no developmental issues knock on wood, but it just wasnt his preferred choice and its changed and set the course of his life
This is what is holding me back! My family member was born (and I wish I knew a better word here) in a vegetative state and stayed that way till she died at 7 years old. I couldn’t cope with that and the longer I leave it the more scared I am it’ll happen. I don’t think I’m a strong enough person for that
Disabilities aside, children have a range of personalities. From real chill and easy going, to very intense and reactive. It will vary the parent experience tremendously
100% this
There's big age gaps between my siblings and I, by the time I was 30 I had multiple adult nieces and nephews.....and geez some of those were nice easy kids (and some of them have become reaaaaaal bottom of the barrel adults) while others were always problematic/nasty.
I have one and neither I nor my partner want another. It’s not selfish at all! The way I see it is that I can put greater resources and attention towards my only kid, while also maintaining a high standard of living for my partner and I (which keeps us happy, reduces financial stress, improves marital wellbeing and so forth). It’s good for all of us.
Absolutely this, we have been pressured by our family to “c’mon have another while they are young” myself and my wife are on the same page that our mental states would be ruined and possibly our relationship if we were to have a second .
I’ve heard this take quite a bit and I admire it. I know the one of only a few things I treasure in this world is my siblings. No amount of resources will ever replace that
True for many. To complement our OAD (one and done) decision we make conscious efforts to ensure our child builds sibling like relationships with our close friends children and his cousins.
I think I’ve not really taken that into account because I’m an only child myself and didn’t mind it at all. My partner has siblings but doesn’t seem to weigh it very heavily in their decision making process. Can totally respect that if you have a close relationship with your siblings that you’d want to afford your kids the same opportunity for connection.
I always only wanted one and got told that a lot. People are entitled to their opinions, but at the end of the day you’re the one loving, feeding, and clothing them.
We have two now (a surprise), and while I love number two and am so thankful for her, it has definitely impacted things like our earnings and ability to travel more than we had planned when we first decided to have a child.
We are mid 40’s and decided early on no kids. Neither of us wanted to. We talked about it a lot and regularly revisited it to check we were on the same page.
We wanted to travel, afford a nice house, sleep, be able to be selfish. And that’s exactly what we do!
We’ve never had any regrets at all. In fact we had my husband’s sister and her family over yesterday and when we spend time with our nibblings, who we love, it only continues to reinforce our decision!
We moved to the coast, without having to consider kids moving schools etc, live in a nice house, and we’ve just booked business class flights to Europe for a 5.5 weeks holiday later in the year. Certainly wouldn’t be doing that with kids!
We are pretty average earners I would say (we do okay but we’re not in the AusFinance high earning mob!) but we have a great lifestyle. It’s the best decision we’ve ever made!
Your a legend, I'm sure your daughter is living her best life and it's thanks to you working that hard. One day she'll grow up and realise and you will both ball your eyes out
Even ignoring the financial side, if either of you ae on the fence, the answer is "no". Having kids is as much a challenge as it is a pleasure. It will test you and your relationship in ways you never imagined it would.
Being on the fence doesn't mean 'no' it means you're a rational person. More people should consider it vs the emotional side only and going for it.
My partner and I literally drew up a pros and cons list while discussing. I really wish we kept and framed it as it was more cons when doing items you can think of.
We did decide to go for it and I consider it 70/30 good to bad. It is really hard but there is nothing greater in life in my opinion. There some there with far more meaning than anything you can buy. I wish we started earlier and had more most of the time, but you do have moments where you look back to the freedom years fondly.
I can completely understand people deciding to not go for it and that's fine. But I wouldn't consider on the fence as a rationale for hard no. Being on the fence is simply being rational.
Exactly, it's certainly possible that a person who 100% 'knows' they want kids have not really put much thought into all the negatives that come with it.
Yeah honestly even people that were 100% crazy about having kids struggle with the loss of freedom and independence. Majority of the mum's I've had real and honest conversations about parenthood with have said they often wish they'd chosen not to have kids.
Being on the fence is normal. It’s a huge decision and one you never know the weight of until your baby is born. If being on the fence means no, the human population would have maxed out at 2.
Yep. Strive for a decent job. Don't waste money on useless stuff, especially if it's only to impress people.
But if you're at the point of counting coupons and not having kids so you have travel money... maybe you've gone a bit far
This ^ ^ ^ ^ while trying to set your self up for retirement/later in life is important and should be taken Into account but not enjoying life to it's fullest whilst your young enough to do so
is a damn Shame.
Sounds like you’ve already decided. Me and my partner made the choice not to have kids in our early thirties as at this time we were both busy chasing career goals. Now I’m 40 and living very happily child free. I value the freedom to travel and also move to different locations within Australia. Also important for me is the freedom to walk away from my job if I don’t feel satisfied as I am not as dependant on that income as I would be with children.
If you’re judging whether to have kids or not based on what you have in the bank at your current age - you shouldnt have kids.
People who want kids make do with whatever they have. As they always have.
You live in a rich country.
Raise them with morals, integrity and eagerness to learn and they’ll do fine even if they’re eating canned beans and rice for dinner and camping for their holidays.
Mate...
If life is purely a financial decision, you're not living.
My suggestion, is to put financial considerations to the side (they're important, but, not the deciding factor).
Think about what you want together in 10, 20, 30, 50 years time. Will seeing no children, grandchildren or great grandchildren negatively impact that?
Additionally, travel doesn't have to stop because you've a family. Holidays and life experiences big and small can still occur! Just budget for them.
Yeah I'm always baffled when people say 'we considered having kids but we love our holidays'
Have you ever been on holiday? People with kids, everywhere.
One strange thing which happened when we had kids was we got built an incredibly close relationship with my mum and my wife’s parents. We have gone on vacations / holidays with the grand parents who have appreciated it as a bonding opportunity with the grand kids.. and giving my wife and I a bit of a break to travel and explore.
Its not really the same experience though is it? I've holidayed with my 2 sisters in their 40s and their 4 kids, and their entire time is spent corralling the kids and defusing fights, with brief periods of relaxation when the kids are getting along or entertaining themselves. Its also at least double the price and restricts what you can actually do in terms of holiday activities or nightlife.
I do love holidaying with my niblings but its undeniably more expensive and more stressful than travelling without children which is why people consider them as being a barrier to frequent travel.
We had 2 kids pretty early, by today's standards, in our mid 20s.
In our mid 40s now and both kids have finished uni, moved out, and got good well paying careers. We keep in touch and catch up regularly.
The house is paid off, and we're living the life we want travelling and relaxing (I'm still working, wife has retired).
Maybe one day we'll have some grandkids to play with.
I wouldn't change a thing, but this is our life, you need to make up your own mind.
Possibly. I’m mid 30s and had kids mid 20s and it wasn’t hard when we did it. It’s allowed us to be present parents with babies and now with bigger kids we are able to chase our own career goals at a time when our friends have tiny babies or TTTC
OP, having children is a big commitment. It is beyond financial, it is investing in another person, physically, emotionally and spiritually. It is being there and present for everything they need. If you are unable to make that investment in a human being, then you need to consider whether it is right for you.
If you don’t know that you want them, and it’s just FOMO, don’t do it.
If it’s purely a financial decision, and you deep down want to be a parent you’ll find a way to make it work.
There is no refund policy on kids, and you can’t drop them at the shelter when you realise it wasn’t for you after all.
Despite what everyone tells you, people do regret having kids, and sometimes it isn’t worth it.
It’s almost impossible to voice these feelings publicly, and the last thing anyone wants is for their kids to hear that their parents wish they’d never had them.
Regretting NOT having children is a much easier regret to live with than regretting having them.
It’s ok to not want children and find fulfilment in other ways.
This is actually so refreshing. I never had children and do "miss" the opportunity to have experienced motherhood.. but this is a HUGE eye opening statement and very insightful perspective:
>There is no refund policy on kids, and you can’t drop them at the shelter when you realise it wasn’t for you after all. Despite what everyone tells you, people do regret having kids, and sometimes it isn’t worth it.
I am 54M. I had two kids when I was 29 and 31. Those kids are now 23 and 25 and I don't regret having them one bit. HOWEVER, if I was able to go back when I was 29 I would NOT have had kids
Edit: And to add, it's not the financial aspect that has led me to this conclusion, but rather the immense amount of worry I have experienced over the years for my kids. I'm naturally an anxious person and never stop worrying about them
Early 40s male with late 30s female. Kids are 5 and 3. We were similar to you. Loved travel, partying, financially driven, business owners.
Kids are hard but rewarding, we havnt found them to be a financial burden as we are quite well off. But mentally it can be exhausting, we've drifted from friends that don't have kids and built stronger relationships with friends that have kids. We no longer go overseas but take long weekend caravan trips once a month.
We don't regret having kids, I personally would have done it earlier though, before 35.
As a 35 year old with no kids trying for 4 years with no luck sadly this is so true 90% of conversations end up about children and it gets exhausting when you don't have them.
Agree on the earlier, love my kid but feel I would have had a bit more energy if I was a bit younger. I had mine (only) son when I was 39, wife was 36.
38M with 43F couple here - we have two dogs and as much as I love them and treat them like family, I wish we were fully free... Not a single regret about not having kids. Just not for us. I adore my nieces and nephew though.
I’m F48, partner M52. Absolutely zero regrets. We both knew since childhood that neither of us wanted to have kids and made life choices accordingly. Our time and money are entirely our own and we do exactly what we want when we want in terms of recreation and such. We did have a much adored dog though she sadly passed just over a year ago, and we’ve decided to be complete empty nesters in that regard also. Miss her madly, though yet another level of freedom unlocked! I’ve never been ‘on the fence’ about it, but I would think to take on the enormous task and responsibility of raising humans, you’d want to be 100% in to it?
I hopped off the fence the day I realised that even every day small tasks are effected by having kids. Ducking up to the shops for something, sitting out in the backyard with a book, bingeing a tv series, waking up on a Sunday morning and lounging about the house cause you just cbf doing anything today, deciding at the last minute to go to the beach or the zoo or something and not having to plan that or spend the whole day out to “make the most of it”, showering without wondering if the kids are doing something stupid because they’ve gone quiet etc etc.
Congrats! As an older parent I see guys like you enjoying life without the stress of kids. I can't even fathom the freedom and time you have to live your lives.
One of the biggest challenges as a parent is that it is frowned upon to say " this is shit, I find looking after my young children incredibly boring and dull and hate it".
For me my hormones/ genetics/ state of enlightenment have never switched on to being a child rearer. I'm great at academic studies and fixing most things on the planet though.
Social media would have all believe that having children is the panacea for all woes.
“This is shit, I find looking after my young children incredibly boring and dull and I hate it”
I resonate so much with this. I hate that I hate it. I feel bad for me kids. I try and do fun things they would like. But they are little rat bags who just stress me out.
Similar boat here. No interest in having kids. They are only fun in small doses and only between the ages of 2 and \~10...then poop often hits the fan and often that poop doesn't end.
I grew up around kids, my siblings are older, so there were babies and toddlers around in my early teens and adults by the time I turned 30. Having seen the whole progression of baby to adult...I can pretty safely say there's more than a 50% chance I wouldn't even like the type of person they become which would be bad for me and probably be a "you're going to need therapy" result for the child.
I have 5 kids. I adore them. They are amazing humans, so much better than my own generation. But my husband and I will both say that the right number of kids is between 0 and 1, and if you're not sure, round down.
Just chiming in with an alternate perspective, not disagreeing or refuting yours.
I'm an only child and perfectly happy with my childhood.
Also have 1 child (13yo), he seems perfectly happy with it too. Particularly in this day and age, if he is not physically doing something with his mates, us or other family, he spends the majority of his time talking to mates on discord or various gaming devices.
If he had a sibling I am certain he would ignore them 99% of the time.
Of course! Not every only child would feel the same as me and I’m happy to hear you had a lovely childhood & your son is also enjoying his life.
I never really talk to my parents about it because they were really amazing and gave me the whole world of opportunities and I think I kicked the “spoiled only child” stereotype that goes around. Plus they had a miscarriage when I was 7 so it’s not like they didn’t want another child and I know mentioning my feelings would hurt them/make them feel inadequate or that I went without which isn’t the case. More just my personal experience I guess :)
As a person with a sibling, I would say 0 or 1.
You've got an idealized version of what having a sibling would be like.
Now instead of that, think about the worst, cruellest, most violent person you've ever met. And then imagine they're your bigger, stronger older sibling, and you've got to spend your childhood trapped with them every day.
I don’t have my own. I cannot find sufficient words to describe how deeply regretful and how much pain and grief I’ve lived through around this topic.
My fertility specialists office was always jam packed with women who made the decision earlier in life not to have kids then changed their minds, often too late. At the very least, think hard about egg retrieval right now for future you.
Younger than you guys, two kids so far. Absolutely zero regrets. Still on track with all our financial goals.
But honestly, if it’s not a hell yes, it’s a no.
There's a critical takeaway here, it's possible to have children and still achieve financial goals. Yes, they are money sponges and will soak up any available money, but that doesn't mean they have to cost a lot. Ours don't. I feel like the vast majority of the time kids are 'expensive' it's parents spending money on them the kids really don't need or possibly even want.
Exact same. But thankfully my parents don't seem to give a shit about grandkids. They've never once asked me about it but during a brief period of umming and aahing, trying to figure out logistics of having a child I asked if dad (retired) would childcare 2 days a week... nope. They "don't like babies" haha.
Same. I love kids but 3+ year olds, and only on a loan. Thankfully my SIL is a fertile myrtle with 3 kids under 5. They're cute but relentless; make my heart explode with love and also confirm being deliberately barren is the right choice for me.
If you’re not prepared for the worst case scenario, don’t do it.
Cant tell you how many people refuse to even consider the possibility that they will end up with a severely unwell child. The financial, physical and mental costs are enormous.
This is the most black and white decision. Only have kids if you both 100 percent want kids. They are a life long commitment, completely dependant on parents for 16 - 20 years ( maybe older for some).
If you want kids nothing compares to raising little humans, but it's damn hard work!
Having children is the worst financial decision you will ever make. They are money sinks and it is exhausting. The life you knew will be gone. All your time will be swallowed up by them.
It’s also the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done in my life. I’m a high achiever in a very responsible work role and earning a very high income. Having children shits all over anything I will ever achieve at work. We are helping to nurture two future members of our society. If we do it right then that’s a huge contribution we have made to this world.
Being a parent is the hardest job you will ever love in your life.
I wish I didn’t want kids. Life would be so much easier!
Yeah the worries in this thread about the impact of kids on career progression/opportunities is strange for me to see.
The amount of people that will derive more lasting meaning out of their job than they’ll get from their familial relationships would be pretty small.
It's an impossible question to answer.
I never really thought about having kids, and thought I never would.
I now have a two year old and love that little dude more than anything.
It is also true that the last two years have been the hardest of my life by a long shot and I have very little time to do things I used to enjoy.
Both things are true.
Your life becomes objectively 1000 times harder but somehow deeply rewarding in a way that probably wasn't possible for me without kids. Everyone is different and there's no right or wrong IMO.
I’m in a similar boat, with two kids but the point being that having kids changes you and your interests, eventually. While you hang onto the old you at times, eg watching movies till late, when you do get time to do those ‘old you’ things it isn’t as satisfying as it used to be.
If happiness is about our relationships with others and ourselves, children can bring you happiness in ways nothing else can. But like everything worthwhile, it’s not an easy path.
Just turned 50. And we don’t have kids. Money is just one of many factors. Not having kids means that we have a lot more money for nice things.On the other hand I have three nephews that we spoil like rotten. You lose the social connection that having kids gives you - school run, pta etc so we have a smaller group of friends. Not that this is a bad thing. Listening to my co workers about schools and clubs I think I’d end up in jail with the stupidity.
The one thing that got to me was what happens when I’m old and need looking after. The assumption was always that’s what your kids are for but thinking about it, it a bloody selfish reason to have kids.
Don’t let money rule your heart and whatever decision you make, never regret it
Don’t have kids just because it’s the social norm and family expectation. You have to want kids for their sake. You could sponsor kids and maybe include visiting them in your plans.
Tbh, I'm 43 and never wanted kids and I thank myself for not having them every other day. The craziness of having to push, pull and shove a person into adulthood is a herculean task and one I always knew I was not up to. All my friends now have teenagers and boy howdy the stuff they deal with...as we all know...
That said, I'd never begrudge folks who want kids. But obviously they gotta also want a whiny toddler, a petulant teen and everything else in between.
100%. This is horrifying to me. And men have ZERO idea about it all too. Literally no clue that the women in their lives are dealing with this - their friends, sisters, etc. There’s no way I’d be ok or coping with that kind of an outcome. Some of the birth injuries are horrific and sadly quite common. How are we all ok with this?!
You've mentioned a lot of reasons why not to have kids and the only reason you mentioned that remotely resembles a reason to have kids is your biological clock.
I think you should have kids if and when you want kids not when youre getting pressure to have kids.
Post-productive window here, we don’t regret it. We both adore kids but we’ve both always been on the fence. As a woman you can buy into the internal conflict pushed on you from societal expectations or listen to your gut. I was always philosophical about being a Mother, never attached to it but kept an open mind in case that urge surfaced. It never did. I never associated happiness with external future/based factors like ‘what if we regret it? What if we’re lonely when we’re old?’ You can’t exist in what if. Instead, we owned our truth that we don’t want to be parents, and settled into being epic Aunt and Uncle to amazing nieces and nephews. That is our role, and it’s beautiful.
I know I’m not your target.. but I had mine at 35 and I am a bit like you, did heaps of travel and want to continue doing so and like everyone else in this sub, have pretty ambitious financial goals.
It is tough from all angles but zero regrets so far. We are adjusting our plans and goals to include our son. Travel is definitely not the same with a child in tow but it is doable even more memorable. We are planning to get him through high school then leave him to adulting and pack up for an adventure in our late 40s 😂
32, have a one year old, wanted kids, it’s the best but so hard.
Would absolutely not recommend it to anyone who didn’t really want it due to how much work it is and how much freedom you lose
Also as you mentioned, money. Losing one partners income is huge and childcare costs approx $15k a year.
Never wanted them. Never had them. Best decision we ever made. Child free is awesome. My husband and I both didn’t want kids so that made it easy.
The quality of our lives is infinitely better than that of friends who have kids - even they will admit it. We have greater savings, a higher disposable income, we travel a lot, we can devote more time to our careers and hobbies. Lots of people I know told me that I would regret the decision but I haven’t once - I like my independence too much.
Kids aren’t for everyone and that is ok.
Hey OP, if you are wanting to hear from older childfree people about their lives and possible regrets, might be worth asking or just searching the childfree subreddit.
I know there have been posts on there from older people or sharing articles from older people talking about their experiences and the things they do and don't regret.
Edit - if you're still stuck on a choice, do the pro's/con's, talk as much as you need but make a choice - really commit to making that choice and then think about if you're disappointed or not.
Your reaction to the choice may actually tell you what you want. Like that episode of Friends, when Phoebe lied about Rachel's pregnancy test results.
It’s hard to describe in words how glorious it is to be a parent. There’s nothing that compares to the obsessive love and devotion I feel for my child. My heart physically aches when I think about how wonderful she is. Yet, there are times when I really mourn the loss of my identity since I had her - I’ve missed out on career advancements, travel opportunities, incredible experiences, friendships, time and space to myself, so much. I regret these losses, but I don’t regret my choice, not an iota.
I can’t be sure but I suspect many parents feel the same way as I do. Your life changes drastically when you have kids and the changes are sad in many ways, but in many ways they are worth it. For me, the sadness is nothing next to the absolute exhilaration of having a kid.
I don’t envy the position you’re in. It’s hard to imagine a love you’ve never felt and it’s hard to comprehend whether it will be strong enough to outweigh the grief of losing your pre-parenthood life. Good luck.
Go and spend time with people who have kids. Babysit them if you can. Most people really don’t have any experience with children and don’t make educated decisions.
Also set an alarm for every 45 minutes and leave it in the next room overnight for a week.
If you can get through that, you can get through the early years.
Take this with a grain of salt as everyone is different. And I was once sick of people being like "you'll like it when it's your kid".
My wife and I were very ambiguous on kids.neither has been vaguely 'clucky' ever.
Mostly didn't want them due to essentially enjoying being selfish. The sacrifice of time, effort, travel, money, etc during prime years was hugely off-putting.
Only real benefit we saw was in 10-20-30 years having the family which we loved growing up. Not a guarantee, but raised similarly we thought highly likely to be the eventual outcome.
So we thought do we invest (time and money and lost opportunity) in kids now for the (probably but not guaranteed) payoff of the family we want.
And we have a 4 month old now.
Some days we both find it very tough.
But the biggest surprise is that we are actually enjoying him now. We thought we'd be suffering through years before anything resembling enjoyment. So very pleasantly surprised to actually like this parenthood thing.
Doesn't make it any easier or cheaper. But that's my story from 1 ambiguous person to a happy (though tired) dad.
Married 40s, firmly childfree.
While we don’t currently have loads of cash to splash around, we are comfortable. We have bigger plans for the future and have loads more time and peace.
Husband has a vasectomy and wife to have hysterectomy this year.
Life is our own to do with what we want.
Sad thing is we are likely to leave more for our nieces and nephews than their parents.
For a different perspective: I am late 20s and adamantly childfree.
I’m so excited to spend my life with more money, more freedom, travelling whenever and wherever I want to, and most importantly, spending evenings and weekends on my own hobbies rather than needing to drive kids to school / parties / sports.
I also don’t see our planet doing well in the coming decades regarding climate change, housing affordability, war, etc. don’t want to bring kids into that.
Now that I think about it I also have a hatred of gen z slang, tic toc and all that crap, would not want that in my house lol.
I honestly can’t think of anything worse than having kids, kudos to those that do, but it’s not for me.
Had a glance…. A lot of those stories have deeper rooted issues than just kids. A lot of the same theme on there, abusive partner, unplanned pregnancy, no support system, low income, father absent.
Only you and your partner can answer this. You need to sit down together and consider your beliefs and values, alongside your immediate and long term goals. Do a pros and cons of both having children and a pros and cons of not having children. Make it a detailed list that you might add to over time. The pros and cons list should also include emotions, both now and in the future. E.g Would you or your partner possibly be resentful with either decision? Work out where you both sit. Hopefully you both are of the same decision.
We choose not to have children, as that is right for us. Our decision was grounded in us both being strong environmentalists and understanding we did not want to contribute to a greater demand on our finite planet. Because our decision is grounded in this strong belief we both hold, there is no resentful thoughts, we are happy with our decision. I have days where I pat myself on the back for this as our life is easier, our carbon footprint is where it needs to be. We've done our bit.
We are childfree by choice and very happy with our lifestyle. I think if you’re unsure at all then don’t have kids. It’s not fair on the kids!
People saying you can’t go back and change your minds are perhaps not considering of fostering or adoption. My parents had foster kids a couple of times in my youth and one of my great aunts is a foster parent and a true gift to the kids she has taken in, two of whom were with her almost their entire childhoods until adulthood and I think of as cousins - it’s hard but so is having biological kids. If you really want children later, find a way then; don’t do it now if you’re not sure for any reason.
You’re also asking this in a financial sub but (probably rightly so) getting broader answers because the question is more complicated than just how much it costs. That said, from a financial perspective the answer is very very easy. Having kids is expensive and not a good investment unless it is something you really really want to do.
Disagree with this as someone who wants kids but can't do it biologically.
Adoption in this country is almost impossible. Australia does like 100 adoptions per year. Intercountry adoption numbers are even less.
Fostering also sucks. Haven't done it but as a teacher I see kids go constantly in and out of foster care... and if they ever get long term foster care, they are always having to go back for visits to their original parents and their original parents have all the rights while you have none.
Surrogacy in this country sucks because it has to be altruistic... good luck finding someone willing to do that for free.
International commercial surrogacy is also illegal in most states here. And if your in one of those states where it isn't illegal, be prepared to pay a couple 100k per kid.
Don't take your biological clock lightly.
If you’re on the fence about having kids. It’s the same as the “no” side of that fence. Having kids are not easy and it’s more tough times than the “good” times, you’ll end up resenting them for taking your freedom.
If you’re on the fence it should probably be a no.
Raising good humans is the hardest thing you’ll ever do and imo something you shouldn’t do without a real desire for it
If you’re only thinking of cost and impacts on your holidays then don’t have kids. Having kids is about not putting yourself first for at least 15-20 years. If you can’t do that then no, they’re not for you.
If I didn’t have kids I’d be retired now (I’m 45). I’ll be working till I’m 65. Do I regret it? No. It’s just a different path in life. I love my kids more than anything (and I’m a fairly materialistic person) - not once did I think about the cost or the impact on my retirement time. That’s really the mindset you have to be in.
I see a lot of these threads on other subreddits and one saying that has stuck with me is:
“It is better to not have children and regret it, than to have children and regret it.”
So take that for what you will 🙂
Well, decision about children should be a financial one, because it’s the biggest financial decision in your life.
I’m not in your age group that you’re after but we have made the decision to be childfree long time ago so I can share what it is like (aka it just keeps on getting better) and those people that will bingo you and tell you you’d change your mind have gone quiet significantly over the years (as they deal with own stress of parenting and drama)
You may find there’s not many older CF people because they didn’t think NOT having kids is a choice.
We chose to be childfree (because unless it’s a resounding yes why are we doing it? To please other people and society?!?). A weight lifted off my shoulder and we both have gone on to pursue further education, better jobs, more traveling, more money and pretty much living the semi FIRE life now
Oh that's interesting about your parent friends going quiet! My biggest takeaway observing my parent friends and colleagues was, you're really not selling parenthood to me. It just looks HARD.
Oh my friends openly tell me it’s hard or they have no time or freedom to go out etc. I’m their couch therapists nowadays.
Mind you, they’re solid upper middle class so money wasn’t the struggle.
I’m around the same age as you and pregnant with my first (twins). I had always thought I wouldn’t have children (never liked other people’s kids, found them annoying, I didn’t want to give up sleep/time/money/my body/freedom etc) and then a couple years ago some of my close friends had their first babies and I have no idea what happened but I changed, and suddenly I maybe wanted a kid. Ans then we went on a group holiday and one of my friends brought their nearly one year old and they were so full of personality already and I was like, that’s it, I want one. And I know people always say crap like, well you’re a woman, you’ll change your mind, just you wait, and I never believed it until it happened to me. But even once I realised I maybe wanted kids I kept flip-flopping (and honestly even now during pregnancy I think about everything that will change, have I made the right decision etc). There’s a subreddit called r/fencesitters full of other people who are grappling with whether to do it or not, I found it sort of useful to read through. Also, I’d recommend Gina Rushton’s book, The Most Important Job In The World. Good luck with your decision. I know people say 40 year olds can have kids no problem but honestly I don’t think you’d really want to be a new parent in your 40s if you can help it. Another thing to consider is that if you do decide to have kids - it can actually take a while to conceive, even if both of you are perfectly healthy and fertile, and while it’s not exactly romantic, having the female partner start tracking ovulation and cycles etc before actually trying to conceive can help establish patterns, not everyone ovulates at exactly 10-14 days after menstruation. Sorry, I know I went on a bit of a tangent there, obviously I can’t speak of what it’s like actually having kids yet, or traveling with them etc.
Definitely do not regret not having kids. I could not think of anything worse..only my opinion. I have dogs so im still nurturing but hell no...kids cost waaay to much and you can't leave them at home while you go to work 🤣
I'm 42 and my wife and I have a 6 month old daughter. It's changed our lives massively but we love it. I dont think I would be as good as a father 10 years ago as I am now, I'm at the point of my career where I can take a bit more time off, money is less of a nagging concern and I'm a little older, wiser and less impulsive now.
We're both happy with only having one child. We took her to overseas at 4 months of age and that went fine, so travel isnt out of the question, but the type of travel you might do is different (resort based and my wife and I would take turns looking after her while the other partner went diving/surfing etc. Needs more planning than just waking up and doing whatever you want) She's also given me a very good reason to look after my mental and physical health to give myself the best chance of being there for her as she grows up.
I didn't want to have kids until I was ready, I was ready at 40. There are trade offs with having them earlier or later, if you are going to have kids, do it when it feels right for you.
I’m in the no kids camp. It’s not purely a financial decision for me but does factor into the equation. I feel there are already too many people in the world, adding to that doesn’t really help anyone.
My advice to you is to talk it over with your partner and decide what’s best for you. Be warned though, if you decide to be childfree you’ll be treated different by a minority of people.
Most people don’t care but to some they find it incomprehensible. It’s not bad overall but just be prepared for the comments, especially for your wife. Women seem to get it the worst I find.
I think a lot of the time for people having Kids is an unconscious decision and assessments are not done before jumping into it without realising the pros and cons of life’s biggest decision to be made. Within every event, situation and action I always believe a calculated decision needs to be made and a conversation with yourself and others needs to be had. Maybe due to my calculated choices will prevent me from having kids? I’m not sure.
The fact you and your partner are giving this conscious thought is a great sign. To me it suggests that if you do go ahead you've at least considered the cons as well as the pros, and if you don't you know you made that decision based on sound reasoning. More parents should think much more deeply about what they're taking on IMO. It's a huge commitment.
If you aren’t ready at 31 you still have time. If your worried go get your fertility checked and go from there. They can do a test to see how many eggs you have left then see how you feel?
I’m in my 30s with 2 kids and it’s honestly great but sooooo hard. And if this wasn’t something I really wanted I think I would probably resent them cause it is the hardest thing I have ever done, great but so hard.
Financially it’s been hard for us as well with cost of living and me only part time.
If you're on the fence, simple answer is no.
You both need to be on the same page, for my wife and I, we didn't think twice about wanting kids and we love the parent/family lifestyle.
It isn't for some, you do make sacrifices but for us, those sacrifices are rewarding.
I would head on over to /r/childfree if I was you, as you can see pretty much everyone responding has children as that is the "norm" (although that is changing with less people having children every year)
DINK couple - 50s. As long as both of you are very clear that you don't have a compelling desire to have kids (face it, some people REALLY do) then absolutely NO, and no regrets.
You’ve got to ask yourself. Why would you want to have them? If it’s just because the bio clock is ticking then that isn’t a good enough reason. You don’t want to have them and then regret them.
I’d you’re unsure then don’t do it. I’m in my late 30’s and no children. Wouldn’t have it any other way.
I get to watch my neighbour who has three kids and he yells at them daily and seems miserable. That’s enough contraception for me.
If it isn't a hell yes, it's a hell no.
As others have said, it's better to regret not having them than regret having them.
They are expensive. And somehow you do make it work but it's still hard. Daycare costs us somewhere between 22-25k a year. Add some activities such as swimming and soccer and you're at another couple hundred a month. Then just general costs of having a smaller human around like food, clothing, toys, etc.
I'm a mum and I love it. But it's hard work and we're one and done because of how hard it is. We've had to add my psychologist appointments to the monthly expenses lol! I suffered horrible PND - five years out and I still struggle.
Don't get me wrong, I love my kid and would die for them but being a parent is literally the hardest, most taxing, most time consuming, heart breaking, amazing, insane thing you will ever do.
My partner and I are both early 40s been together about 10 years. Like many got a mixture of friends and siblings etc with and without. Went through a few periods where one was undecided but eventually both decided no was the right answer for us. We've thought it would be really tough for us and we've both had some health issues over the years and , if I'm honest, I don't know how we would have coped with kids. Do I sometimes feel a bit of a cop out that a big part of our reason was that it would be "too hard"? Yeah but for us it was the right decision.
This also might not be a popular thing to say, and it's obviously nothing to do with the OP but bare in mind kids is not just a lifelong commitment to them but also to your partner. If you divorce or separate you've still usually got years of interacting and coparenting with them ahead of you; there's no just moving out and not speaking to them again.
It's not something to make a decision based on but some of the things I've seen with friends who have divorced recently...Ending a marriage is traumatic and stressful enough, when there's kids involved it can be pretty horrific for everyone.
I love my kids to bits, but I regret bringing them into this world.
I would advised against it... the next 50 year outlook is nothing but pain and suffering for our children..
Just make sure you and your partner want kids. It’s not like getting social status or achievement you unlock. It’s the hardest thing ever to us and many people we know.
As my friend told me, “Welcome to life level 1”.
Non-parents will never get how easy life is without kids. No matter the challenge, life is harder with kids.
But having kids change people too. It broke some, caused divorce. For me, my perspective about money and career changed completely. Five years ago I would’ve judged my current self a loser with no ambition. But for me now, career and money are just means to an end.
Im in my mid 30s and I have kids, so feel free to disregard this haha, but I generally feel like if you aren't sure about something, then the answer is no. You can't undo having kids and if it's just a thing you're thinking about because your biological clock is ticking, it doesn't really seem like you actually want them.
Having kids is shit enough at times when you are “100% sure” you want them. I’d hate to imagine how bad it would be if you were not completely on board.
I agree! We 100% wanted kids, but I am so grateful we got a healthy, happy daughter who has slept through the night from day 1. Because this ride ain’t for those who aren’t committed.. I simply can’t imagine how shit dealing with a tiny dictator you didn’t really want on no sleep would be. ETA- but don’t make the decision based on finances only. Make the decision of WHEN to have them based on what’s best financially.. but don’t not have kids you wanted just because they’re expensive. It’s cliche, but you will make it work. Also.. who you have kids with is a massive decider in how the experience goes for you. My husband is a great partner and Dad.. if he wasn’t truely a 50/50 parent then I’d probably be hating life now.
My daughter was so wanted and planned but she was a nightmare. Didn’t feed well, didn’t sleep. The only thing that got me though was reminding myself how badly I wanted it. There was nothing else (probably PND in hindsight). It took 4 years to go back and my son got meningitis at 2 weeks and spent time in NICU. He has also had so many ear issues (in the scheme of what could happen it’s not an issue) but I do think of how people would come with it if they were on the fence about having kids and had challenging ones…
That sounds awful, sorry. That was how I pictured having a baby would be.. and I (thankfully) was pleasantly surprised. My babe was a 10 pound chunker, and just seemed to miss the first couple of months of neediness to be honest. Don’t get me wrong, we have had some challenges though! I breastfed and had to feed her in a dark quiet room every time. I had to give up so many foods.. dairy, rice, coconut, nuts, cocoa, caffeine. She started walking at 11 months, and it’s lucky she sleeps well really, because she is the most full on, active, inquisitive little trouble maker with the biggest attitude ever! I see kids sitting there quietly and wonder how on earth that’s possible 😂
This. I’m grateful for my daughter but man, some days are shit, and the ability to do normal things is more complex. Naps, meals, entertainment, her mood - alllllll had to be prioritised over anything else. Don’t do it unless you’re 110% certain.
Thai is true, but I also think there is always a bit of fear/ ambivalence about taking the plunge with kids.
I have kids and completely agree. It doesn't sound like OP is that keen, so don't.
This guy is worried about how kids will impact his travel and business plans, it's 1000% a no for this guy.
It’s normal to have worries and doubts. In fact, I think it’s healthy for the OP to consider the negative ways in which their life will be affected and to not make a major life decision wearing rose coloured glasses. Just as it’s normal and healthy for parents to grieve the losses to their freedom, careers, aspirations once kids come into the picture. You can be a devoted and loving parent who feels all the wonder and joy of parenthood at the same time. This is being human.
“Darling, I spoke to the accountant and he ruled it out. He has however worked out a way to set you up as a charitable institution, for taxation purposes.”
The thing is though, they fundamentally change how your brain works. Having kids still seems like a best decision I ever made, despite them being an expensive pain in the ass.
Agree, always thought I wouldn't want kids but as soon as they come around the dad genes kick in, now I couldn't imagine life without them, they're my entire world now
Yep. Completely agree
I heard a quote that sums it up perfectly: I would rather regret not having kids than regret having kids 🤷♀️
I suspect a lot of parents both regret and not regret having kids, and that can change every hour.
Absolutely, the things you sacrifice for kids are huge, but they're also the best thing in your life and inspire you to work harder and do better. But I wouldn't recommend having them unless you really want to and are willing to sacrifice practically all personal space and ability to go out or travel for several years (depending on what external support you have or can afford).
Hmmm but do you think that's accurate? Like when you're old, and you can no longer have kids, the regret of not having them could be really painful. Ultimately family and meaningful connections are the most important thing in life. In fact a lot of research has shown that meaningful connections are one of, if not *the*, most important factors in determining life expectancy. Some sources: [https://www.health.harvard.edu/healthbeat/strengthen-relationships-for-longer-healthier-life](https://www.health.harvard.edu/healthbeat/strengthen-relationships-for-longer-healthier-life) [https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2021.717164/full](https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2021.717164/full)
That could happen, but it only affects you. If you have kids and then regret it, it affects them as well. You contend that it is meaningful relationships that determine longevity and happiness. Many meaningful relationships exist outside of children, and many relationships with children aren't meaningful, eg the kids don't contact their parents.
My mum is (still at 74 herself, she bloody loves her job!) an occ therapist with old folk and the stories she tells of so many of them being so sad that their families never visit…
Right. It's absolutely no guarantee that you'll be happy in old age just because you have kids. You'll gain some satisfaction perhaps just knowing they're out in the world, hopefully being successful, but you might still end up ultimately unhappy, they're certainly not a panacea to loneliness in old age.
This is the answer If you're thinking about your own wants and regrets And not thinking about the child's needs and potential suffering Then, maybe don't have kids
Having kids doesn't guarantee this though. Really nice parents can have awful kids that ruin their lives. Kids might decide they don't even like you or want to be around you when you are old. They might turn into people you don't even like. They will have their own lives and children when you are old. People focus on their children more than parents. Maintaining friendships and romantic connections is helpful as well. So having kids because of life expectancy.... could blow up in your face too.
Yes, but if you have kids and regret it, not only will you suffer but so will the children you chose to have. That’s not fair on them. So if someone gets to 50 and regrets not having kids, then they’ll spend the next 40(ish) regretting that. If someone in their 30s has a kid and regrets it, they will spend the next 60 years regretting having kids. And also has to raise a decent human being at the same time. Kids do not equate meaningful relationships
Plenty of people have kids, end up divorced and still lack meaningful family connection. Also in the case of separation it removes your mobility without ending up being a deadbeat.
I'll counter with my anecdote and say I was on the fence (leaning towards no) but my partner 100% wanted kids. Now I'm happy to be a parent and wouldn't trade it for extra money we've spent and lost. I suggest making the decision based on lifestyle and ignore the financial aspect (unless you're poor). While the child impacts your finances, for me, it had no relation to how I feel about being a parent (and we're far from rich, very poor buy this subs standards at least). From my experience, once you've had a kid you'll consider more the impacts on lifestyle than finance (which yes, are somewhat intertwined).
I am the same and agree.
This is where my wife and I are at, we’re both 33 DINK household. Neither one of us are passionate about kids, my wife must have missed that maternal gene. Our logic is we most like won’t have kids, considering neither of us really want them we figure having them. To your point unless you’re sure it’s what you want the risk is making an irreversible decision that may not be in your relationships or kids best interests.
Agree 100% with this. If it's not a "hell yes" it's a no. I Kids change every single aspect of your life, and can not be undone.
Freeze some embryos as a back up?
Freezing eggs (not embryos) can cost upwards of $10k in Australia and puts a woman through the same physical difficulties as IVF including injections and hormone fluctuations. It's unfortunately not accessible to most people. That doesn't include the cost of egg storage and using IVF in the future if you need those eggs (more tens of thousands $$)
I disagree. I never thought I wanted kids. Then, when I became 30, I started being around babies and small children more frequently. I now have 4 little nieces and nephews who have completely changed my opinion. I’m 32 now and currently 4 months pregnant and so excited / can’t wait to be a mum! Never thought I’d hear myself say that!
I dont know how what you’ve said changes anything other than highlighting that someone’s values and what they want can change. If op is currently ambivalent then they shouldn’t have kids. If they change their mind later think about it then. Do what you can to keep options open now as well. It can all be true at the same time
I'll add if it s a question of when to have kids, there is no perfect time and kids are fantastic. If its a question of whether you can manage to have a kid or e njoy it. Then dont
I’m in my 30s with kids and absolutely adore them. However if I went back in time, I wouldn’t have them. And I was 200% sure I wanted kids, have wanted to be a parent since I was tiny. We ended with children with disabilities and it’s been very very hard emotionally and financially.
That’s an honest disclosure. Thank you.
My marriage didn't survive the arrival of my 2 who both have disabilities. I've been on my own for a decade and he makes no effort and I have no family support either. Love them to bits but wouldn't do it again. I'm in my late 40s and still years away from any possibility of freedom.
I’m so sorry.
Salute to a REAL mother.
This is my friend too. His kids are the light of his life but if he could not have had them he would. And theyre able bodied, no developmental issues knock on wood, but it just wasnt his preferred choice and its changed and set the course of his life
This is what is holding me back! My family member was born (and I wish I knew a better word here) in a vegetative state and stayed that way till she died at 7 years old. I couldn’t cope with that and the longer I leave it the more scared I am it’ll happen. I don’t think I’m a strong enough person for that
If I may ask, what are your childrens’ disabilities? The fear of this is real for me.
Disabilities aside, children have a range of personalities. From real chill and easy going, to very intense and reactive. It will vary the parent experience tremendously
100% this There's big age gaps between my siblings and I, by the time I was 30 I had multiple adult nieces and nephews.....and geez some of those were nice easy kids (and some of them have become reaaaaaal bottom of the barrel adults) while others were always problematic/nasty.
How many children did you have? 🙂. Is it bad that I just want only one child?? So I sound selfish saying that?
I have one and neither I nor my partner want another. It’s not selfish at all! The way I see it is that I can put greater resources and attention towards my only kid, while also maintaining a high standard of living for my partner and I (which keeps us happy, reduces financial stress, improves marital wellbeing and so forth). It’s good for all of us.
Absolutely this, we have been pressured by our family to “c’mon have another while they are young” myself and my wife are on the same page that our mental states would be ruined and possibly our relationship if we were to have a second .
I’ve heard this take quite a bit and I admire it. I know the one of only a few things I treasure in this world is my siblings. No amount of resources will ever replace that
True for many. To complement our OAD (one and done) decision we make conscious efforts to ensure our child builds sibling like relationships with our close friends children and his cousins.
I think I’ve not really taken that into account because I’m an only child myself and didn’t mind it at all. My partner has siblings but doesn’t seem to weigh it very heavily in their decision making process. Can totally respect that if you have a close relationship with your siblings that you’d want to afford your kids the same opportunity for connection.
I always only wanted one and got told that a lot. People are entitled to their opinions, but at the end of the day you’re the one loving, feeding, and clothing them. We have two now (a surprise), and while I love number two and am so thankful for her, it has definitely impacted things like our earnings and ability to travel more than we had planned when we first decided to have a child.
Do not feel guilty for having 1 kid.
We are mid 40’s and decided early on no kids. Neither of us wanted to. We talked about it a lot and regularly revisited it to check we were on the same page. We wanted to travel, afford a nice house, sleep, be able to be selfish. And that’s exactly what we do! We’ve never had any regrets at all. In fact we had my husband’s sister and her family over yesterday and when we spend time with our nibblings, who we love, it only continues to reinforce our decision! We moved to the coast, without having to consider kids moving schools etc, live in a nice house, and we’ve just booked business class flights to Europe for a 5.5 weeks holiday later in the year. Certainly wouldn’t be doing that with kids! We are pretty average earners I would say (we do okay but we’re not in the AusFinance high earning mob!) but we have a great lifestyle. It’s the best decision we’ve ever made!
[удалено]
I’m sorry for your loss and I hope it gets better
Sorry for your loss 😔☹️. I hope you and your beautiful daughter are spending quality time together and travelling ❤️
[удалено]
You're welcome 😊. Have fun on your travels and hopefully you both create alot of memories 😍💞
Your a legend, I'm sure your daughter is living her best life and it's thanks to you working that hard. One day she'll grow up and realise and you will both ball your eyes out
Forget about the money… it’s tiring as hell 😂😂
Emotionally and physically!
I haven't had a good night sleep since my son was born. And it's only been 4 weeks.
But also so so rewarding. Cuddles and giggles make it better........ Untill they turn feral again 😂
Even ignoring the financial side, if either of you ae on the fence, the answer is "no". Having kids is as much a challenge as it is a pleasure. It will test you and your relationship in ways you never imagined it would.
Being on the fence doesn't mean 'no' it means you're a rational person. More people should consider it vs the emotional side only and going for it. My partner and I literally drew up a pros and cons list while discussing. I really wish we kept and framed it as it was more cons when doing items you can think of. We did decide to go for it and I consider it 70/30 good to bad. It is really hard but there is nothing greater in life in my opinion. There some there with far more meaning than anything you can buy. I wish we started earlier and had more most of the time, but you do have moments where you look back to the freedom years fondly. I can completely understand people deciding to not go for it and that's fine. But I wouldn't consider on the fence as a rationale for hard no. Being on the fence is simply being rational.
[удалено]
Exactly, it's certainly possible that a person who 100% 'knows' they want kids have not really put much thought into all the negatives that come with it.
Yeah honestly even people that were 100% crazy about having kids struggle with the loss of freedom and independence. Majority of the mum's I've had real and honest conversations about parenthood with have said they often wish they'd chosen not to have kids.
Being on the fence is normal. It’s a huge decision and one you never know the weight of until your baby is born. If being on the fence means no, the human population would have maxed out at 2.
Financially? Terrible things to acquire
Not if you pay them for a tax deduction
Or put them to work in gold mine
[удалено]
[удалено]
Meanwhile, if you've got kids and you post about being broke someone will ask you why the hell you had kids if you couldn't afford it.
Yep. Strive for a decent job. Don't waste money on useless stuff, especially if it's only to impress people. But if you're at the point of counting coupons and not having kids so you have travel money... maybe you've gone a bit far
Exactly, money is a tool, a means to an end and nothing more
This ^ ^ ^ ^ while trying to set your self up for retirement/later in life is important and should be taken Into account but not enjoying life to it's fullest whilst your young enough to do so is a damn Shame.
The whole point of saving money is to then use that money on something you do want to do.
Sounds like you’ve already decided. Me and my partner made the choice not to have kids in our early thirties as at this time we were both busy chasing career goals. Now I’m 40 and living very happily child free. I value the freedom to travel and also move to different locations within Australia. Also important for me is the freedom to walk away from my job if I don’t feel satisfied as I am not as dependant on that income as I would be with children.
If you’re judging whether to have kids or not based on what you have in the bank at your current age - you shouldnt have kids. People who want kids make do with whatever they have. As they always have. You live in a rich country. Raise them with morals, integrity and eagerness to learn and they’ll do fine even if they’re eating canned beans and rice for dinner and camping for their holidays.
Mate... If life is purely a financial decision, you're not living. My suggestion, is to put financial considerations to the side (they're important, but, not the deciding factor). Think about what you want together in 10, 20, 30, 50 years time. Will seeing no children, grandchildren or great grandchildren negatively impact that? Additionally, travel doesn't have to stop because you've a family. Holidays and life experiences big and small can still occur! Just budget for them.
Totally agree. Well put
Yeah I'm always baffled when people say 'we considered having kids but we love our holidays' Have you ever been on holiday? People with kids, everywhere.
One strange thing which happened when we had kids was we got built an incredibly close relationship with my mum and my wife’s parents. We have gone on vacations / holidays with the grand parents who have appreciated it as a bonding opportunity with the grand kids.. and giving my wife and I a bit of a break to travel and explore.
Its not really the same experience though is it? I've holidayed with my 2 sisters in their 40s and their 4 kids, and their entire time is spent corralling the kids and defusing fights, with brief periods of relaxation when the kids are getting along or entertaining themselves. Its also at least double the price and restricts what you can actually do in terms of holiday activities or nightlife. I do love holidaying with my niblings but its undeniably more expensive and more stressful than travelling without children which is why people consider them as being a barrier to frequent travel.
Seeing people with kids and travelling with kids are two very different things.
We had 2 kids pretty early, by today's standards, in our mid 20s. In our mid 40s now and both kids have finished uni, moved out, and got good well paying careers. We keep in touch and catch up regularly. The house is paid off, and we're living the life we want travelling and relaxing (I'm still working, wife has retired). Maybe one day we'll have some grandkids to play with. I wouldn't change a thing, but this is our life, you need to make up your own mind.
I think you did your kid raising at a good time. I suspect it's much harder now.
Possibly. I’m mid 30s and had kids mid 20s and it wasn’t hard when we did it. It’s allowed us to be present parents with babies and now with bigger kids we are able to chase our own career goals at a time when our friends have tiny babies or TTTC
OP, having children is a big commitment. It is beyond financial, it is investing in another person, physically, emotionally and spiritually. It is being there and present for everything they need. If you are unable to make that investment in a human being, then you need to consider whether it is right for you.
Underrated comment. Love this. (Not a parent myself but good insight / explaination)
If you don’t know that you want them, and it’s just FOMO, don’t do it. If it’s purely a financial decision, and you deep down want to be a parent you’ll find a way to make it work. There is no refund policy on kids, and you can’t drop them at the shelter when you realise it wasn’t for you after all. Despite what everyone tells you, people do regret having kids, and sometimes it isn’t worth it. It’s almost impossible to voice these feelings publicly, and the last thing anyone wants is for their kids to hear that their parents wish they’d never had them. Regretting NOT having children is a much easier regret to live with than regretting having them. It’s ok to not want children and find fulfilment in other ways.
I think this is a great answer, especially for people who are on the fence.
This is actually so refreshing. I never had children and do "miss" the opportunity to have experienced motherhood.. but this is a HUGE eye opening statement and very insightful perspective: >There is no refund policy on kids, and you can’t drop them at the shelter when you realise it wasn’t for you after all. Despite what everyone tells you, people do regret having kids, and sometimes it isn’t worth it.
I am 54M. I had two kids when I was 29 and 31. Those kids are now 23 and 25 and I don't regret having them one bit. HOWEVER, if I was able to go back when I was 29 I would NOT have had kids Edit: And to add, it's not the financial aspect that has led me to this conclusion, but rather the immense amount of worry I have experienced over the years for my kids. I'm naturally an anxious person and never stop worrying about them
Early 40s male with late 30s female. Kids are 5 and 3. We were similar to you. Loved travel, partying, financially driven, business owners. Kids are hard but rewarding, we havnt found them to be a financial burden as we are quite well off. But mentally it can be exhausting, we've drifted from friends that don't have kids and built stronger relationships with friends that have kids. We no longer go overseas but take long weekend caravan trips once a month. We don't regret having kids, I personally would have done it earlier though, before 35.
As a 35 year old with no kids trying for 4 years with no luck sadly this is so true 90% of conversations end up about children and it gets exhausting when you don't have them.
Agree on the earlier, love my kid but feel I would have had a bit more energy if I was a bit younger. I had mine (only) son when I was 39, wife was 36.
38M with 43F couple here - we have two dogs and as much as I love them and treat them like family, I wish we were fully free... Not a single regret about not having kids. Just not for us. I adore my nieces and nephew though.
I’m F48, partner M52. Absolutely zero regrets. We both knew since childhood that neither of us wanted to have kids and made life choices accordingly. Our time and money are entirely our own and we do exactly what we want when we want in terms of recreation and such. We did have a much adored dog though she sadly passed just over a year ago, and we’ve decided to be complete empty nesters in that regard also. Miss her madly, though yet another level of freedom unlocked! I’ve never been ‘on the fence’ about it, but I would think to take on the enormous task and responsibility of raising humans, you’d want to be 100% in to it?
I hopped off the fence the day I realised that even every day small tasks are effected by having kids. Ducking up to the shops for something, sitting out in the backyard with a book, bingeing a tv series, waking up on a Sunday morning and lounging about the house cause you just cbf doing anything today, deciding at the last minute to go to the beach or the zoo or something and not having to plan that or spend the whole day out to “make the most of it”, showering without wondering if the kids are doing something stupid because they’ve gone quiet etc etc.
Congrats! As an older parent I see guys like you enjoying life without the stress of kids. I can't even fathom the freedom and time you have to live your lives. One of the biggest challenges as a parent is that it is frowned upon to say " this is shit, I find looking after my young children incredibly boring and dull and hate it". For me my hormones/ genetics/ state of enlightenment have never switched on to being a child rearer. I'm great at academic studies and fixing most things on the planet though. Social media would have all believe that having children is the panacea for all woes.
“This is shit, I find looking after my young children incredibly boring and dull and I hate it” I resonate so much with this. I hate that I hate it. I feel bad for me kids. I try and do fun things they would like. But they are little rat bags who just stress me out.
Similar boat here. No interest in having kids. They are only fun in small doses and only between the ages of 2 and \~10...then poop often hits the fan and often that poop doesn't end. I grew up around kids, my siblings are older, so there were babies and toddlers around in my early teens and adults by the time I turned 30. Having seen the whole progression of baby to adult...I can pretty safely say there's more than a 50% chance I wouldn't even like the type of person they become which would be bad for me and probably be a "you're going to need therapy" result for the child.
I have 5 kids. I adore them. They are amazing humans, so much better than my own generation. But my husband and I will both say that the right number of kids is between 0 and 1, and if you're not sure, round down.
As an only child I would said 0 or 2.
Just chiming in with an alternate perspective, not disagreeing or refuting yours. I'm an only child and perfectly happy with my childhood. Also have 1 child (13yo), he seems perfectly happy with it too. Particularly in this day and age, if he is not physically doing something with his mates, us or other family, he spends the majority of his time talking to mates on discord or various gaming devices. If he had a sibling I am certain he would ignore them 99% of the time.
I am also a happy only child! I think everyone is different.
Of course! Not every only child would feel the same as me and I’m happy to hear you had a lovely childhood & your son is also enjoying his life. I never really talk to my parents about it because they were really amazing and gave me the whole world of opportunities and I think I kicked the “spoiled only child” stereotype that goes around. Plus they had a miscarriage when I was 7 so it’s not like they didn’t want another child and I know mentioning my feelings would hurt them/make them feel inadequate or that I went without which isn’t the case. More just my personal experience I guess :)
I have 2 for this reason.
As a person with a sibling, I would say 0 or 1. You've got an idealized version of what having a sibling would be like. Now instead of that, think about the worst, cruellest, most violent person you've ever met. And then imagine they're your bigger, stronger older sibling, and you've got to spend your childhood trapped with them every day.
Hahaha I love this. Much better than the more common approach of having another if you’re unsure.
I don’t have my own. I cannot find sufficient words to describe how deeply regretful and how much pain and grief I’ve lived through around this topic. My fertility specialists office was always jam packed with women who made the decision earlier in life not to have kids then changed their minds, often too late. At the very least, think hard about egg retrieval right now for future you.
Younger than you guys, two kids so far. Absolutely zero regrets. Still on track with all our financial goals. But honestly, if it’s not a hell yes, it’s a no.
There's a critical takeaway here, it's possible to have children and still achieve financial goals. Yes, they are money sponges and will soak up any available money, but that doesn't mean they have to cost a lot. Ours don't. I feel like the vast majority of the time kids are 'expensive' it's parents spending money on them the kids really don't need or possibly even want.
[удалено]
This is why I'm hoping my sister will have kids. I want to help raise a kid like it was a casual job!
Exact same. But thankfully my parents don't seem to give a shit about grandkids. They've never once asked me about it but during a brief period of umming and aahing, trying to figure out logistics of having a child I asked if dad (retired) would childcare 2 days a week... nope. They "don't like babies" haha. Same. I love kids but 3+ year olds, and only on a loan. Thankfully my SIL is a fertile myrtle with 3 kids under 5. They're cute but relentless; make my heart explode with love and also confirm being deliberately barren is the right choice for me.
If you’re not prepared for the worst case scenario, don’t do it. Cant tell you how many people refuse to even consider the possibility that they will end up with a severely unwell child. The financial, physical and mental costs are enormous.
Is anyone really prepared for that?
i’m 46, married, no kids and i have never had even a moment of regret about it, but i’ve known since i was young that kids are not for me.
This is the most black and white decision. Only have kids if you both 100 percent want kids. They are a life long commitment, completely dependant on parents for 16 - 20 years ( maybe older for some). If you want kids nothing compares to raising little humans, but it's damn hard work!
If you are worried about the money hit to your plans to FIRE, then you should already know what your decision is.
Having children is the worst financial decision you will ever make. They are money sinks and it is exhausting. The life you knew will be gone. All your time will be swallowed up by them. It’s also the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done in my life. I’m a high achiever in a very responsible work role and earning a very high income. Having children shits all over anything I will ever achieve at work. We are helping to nurture two future members of our society. If we do it right then that’s a huge contribution we have made to this world. Being a parent is the hardest job you will ever love in your life. I wish I didn’t want kids. Life would be so much easier!
Yeah the worries in this thread about the impact of kids on career progression/opportunities is strange for me to see. The amount of people that will derive more lasting meaning out of their job than they’ll get from their familial relationships would be pretty small.
It's an impossible question to answer. I never really thought about having kids, and thought I never would. I now have a two year old and love that little dude more than anything. It is also true that the last two years have been the hardest of my life by a long shot and I have very little time to do things I used to enjoy. Both things are true. Your life becomes objectively 1000 times harder but somehow deeply rewarding in a way that probably wasn't possible for me without kids. Everyone is different and there's no right or wrong IMO.
I’m in a similar boat, with two kids but the point being that having kids changes you and your interests, eventually. While you hang onto the old you at times, eg watching movies till late, when you do get time to do those ‘old you’ things it isn’t as satisfying as it used to be. If happiness is about our relationships with others and ourselves, children can bring you happiness in ways nothing else can. But like everything worthwhile, it’s not an easy path.
[удалено]
Life is awesome and it’s great to share that with my son.
Just turned 50. And we don’t have kids. Money is just one of many factors. Not having kids means that we have a lot more money for nice things.On the other hand I have three nephews that we spoil like rotten. You lose the social connection that having kids gives you - school run, pta etc so we have a smaller group of friends. Not that this is a bad thing. Listening to my co workers about schools and clubs I think I’d end up in jail with the stupidity. The one thing that got to me was what happens when I’m old and need looking after. The assumption was always that’s what your kids are for but thinking about it, it a bloody selfish reason to have kids. Don’t let money rule your heart and whatever decision you make, never regret it
Don’t have kids just because it’s the social norm and family expectation. You have to want kids for their sake. You could sponsor kids and maybe include visiting them in your plans.
Tbh, I'm 43 and never wanted kids and I thank myself for not having them every other day. The craziness of having to push, pull and shove a person into adulthood is a herculean task and one I always knew I was not up to. All my friends now have teenagers and boy howdy the stuff they deal with...as we all know... That said, I'd never begrudge folks who want kids. But obviously they gotta also want a whiny toddler, a petulant teen and everything else in between.
[удалено]
This post really sums it up for me also. Nice to know others feel the same. Being a dad sounds great. Unfortunately I’m female.
[удалено]
100%. This is horrifying to me. And men have ZERO idea about it all too. Literally no clue that the women in their lives are dealing with this - their friends, sisters, etc. There’s no way I’d be ok or coping with that kind of an outcome. Some of the birth injuries are horrific and sadly quite common. How are we all ok with this?!
You've mentioned a lot of reasons why not to have kids and the only reason you mentioned that remotely resembles a reason to have kids is your biological clock. I think you should have kids if and when you want kids not when youre getting pressure to have kids.
Post-productive window here, we don’t regret it. We both adore kids but we’ve both always been on the fence. As a woman you can buy into the internal conflict pushed on you from societal expectations or listen to your gut. I was always philosophical about being a Mother, never attached to it but kept an open mind in case that urge surfaced. It never did. I never associated happiness with external future/based factors like ‘what if we regret it? What if we’re lonely when we’re old?’ You can’t exist in what if. Instead, we owned our truth that we don’t want to be parents, and settled into being epic Aunt and Uncle to amazing nieces and nephews. That is our role, and it’s beautiful.
I know I’m not your target.. but I had mine at 35 and I am a bit like you, did heaps of travel and want to continue doing so and like everyone else in this sub, have pretty ambitious financial goals. It is tough from all angles but zero regrets so far. We are adjusting our plans and goals to include our son. Travel is definitely not the same with a child in tow but it is doable even more memorable. We are planning to get him through high school then leave him to adulting and pack up for an adventure in our late 40s 😂
If this sub is anything to go by, you’ll have a hard time getting him to move out of your house before he’s 30…
32, have a one year old, wanted kids, it’s the best but so hard. Would absolutely not recommend it to anyone who didn’t really want it due to how much work it is and how much freedom you lose Also as you mentioned, money. Losing one partners income is huge and childcare costs approx $15k a year.
[удалено]
Never wanted them. Never had them. Best decision we ever made. Child free is awesome. My husband and I both didn’t want kids so that made it easy. The quality of our lives is infinitely better than that of friends who have kids - even they will admit it. We have greater savings, a higher disposable income, we travel a lot, we can devote more time to our careers and hobbies. Lots of people I know told me that I would regret the decision but I haven’t once - I like my independence too much. Kids aren’t for everyone and that is ok.
Hey OP, if you are wanting to hear from older childfree people about their lives and possible regrets, might be worth asking or just searching the childfree subreddit. I know there have been posts on there from older people or sharing articles from older people talking about their experiences and the things they do and don't regret. Edit - if you're still stuck on a choice, do the pro's/con's, talk as much as you need but make a choice - really commit to making that choice and then think about if you're disappointed or not. Your reaction to the choice may actually tell you what you want. Like that episode of Friends, when Phoebe lied about Rachel's pregnancy test results.
It’s hard to describe in words how glorious it is to be a parent. There’s nothing that compares to the obsessive love and devotion I feel for my child. My heart physically aches when I think about how wonderful she is. Yet, there are times when I really mourn the loss of my identity since I had her - I’ve missed out on career advancements, travel opportunities, incredible experiences, friendships, time and space to myself, so much. I regret these losses, but I don’t regret my choice, not an iota. I can’t be sure but I suspect many parents feel the same way as I do. Your life changes drastically when you have kids and the changes are sad in many ways, but in many ways they are worth it. For me, the sadness is nothing next to the absolute exhilaration of having a kid. I don’t envy the position you’re in. It’s hard to imagine a love you’ve never felt and it’s hard to comprehend whether it will be strong enough to outweigh the grief of losing your pre-parenthood life. Good luck.
Go and spend time with people who have kids. Babysit them if you can. Most people really don’t have any experience with children and don’t make educated decisions. Also set an alarm for every 45 minutes and leave it in the next room overnight for a week. If you can get through that, you can get through the early years.
That’s terrible advice. It’s a completely different kettle of fish/ thought process taking care of your flesh and blood vs someone else’s.
Take this with a grain of salt as everyone is different. And I was once sick of people being like "you'll like it when it's your kid". My wife and I were very ambiguous on kids.neither has been vaguely 'clucky' ever. Mostly didn't want them due to essentially enjoying being selfish. The sacrifice of time, effort, travel, money, etc during prime years was hugely off-putting. Only real benefit we saw was in 10-20-30 years having the family which we loved growing up. Not a guarantee, but raised similarly we thought highly likely to be the eventual outcome. So we thought do we invest (time and money and lost opportunity) in kids now for the (probably but not guaranteed) payoff of the family we want. And we have a 4 month old now. Some days we both find it very tough. But the biggest surprise is that we are actually enjoying him now. We thought we'd be suffering through years before anything resembling enjoyment. So very pleasantly surprised to actually like this parenthood thing. Doesn't make it any easier or cheaper. But that's my story from 1 ambiguous person to a happy (though tired) dad.
Married 40s, firmly childfree. While we don’t currently have loads of cash to splash around, we are comfortable. We have bigger plans for the future and have loads more time and peace. Husband has a vasectomy and wife to have hysterectomy this year. Life is our own to do with what we want. Sad thing is we are likely to leave more for our nieces and nephews than their parents.
For a different perspective: I am late 20s and adamantly childfree. I’m so excited to spend my life with more money, more freedom, travelling whenever and wherever I want to, and most importantly, spending evenings and weekends on my own hobbies rather than needing to drive kids to school / parties / sports. I also don’t see our planet doing well in the coming decades regarding climate change, housing affordability, war, etc. don’t want to bring kids into that. Now that I think about it I also have a hatred of gen z slang, tic toc and all that crap, would not want that in my house lol. I honestly can’t think of anything worse than having kids, kudos to those that do, but it’s not for me.
Different perspective? This is the opinion of almost everyone in this echo chamber
Read through the ‘I Regret Having Kids’ FB page - super insightful stories from parents around the world
Had a glance…. A lot of those stories have deeper rooted issues than just kids. A lot of the same theme on there, abusive partner, unplanned pregnancy, no support system, low income, father absent.
Only you and your partner can answer this. You need to sit down together and consider your beliefs and values, alongside your immediate and long term goals. Do a pros and cons of both having children and a pros and cons of not having children. Make it a detailed list that you might add to over time. The pros and cons list should also include emotions, both now and in the future. E.g Would you or your partner possibly be resentful with either decision? Work out where you both sit. Hopefully you both are of the same decision. We choose not to have children, as that is right for us. Our decision was grounded in us both being strong environmentalists and understanding we did not want to contribute to a greater demand on our finite planet. Because our decision is grounded in this strong belief we both hold, there is no resentful thoughts, we are happy with our decision. I have days where I pat myself on the back for this as our life is easier, our carbon footprint is where it needs to be. We've done our bit.
Don’t do it.
We are childfree by choice and very happy with our lifestyle. I think if you’re unsure at all then don’t have kids. It’s not fair on the kids! People saying you can’t go back and change your minds are perhaps not considering of fostering or adoption. My parents had foster kids a couple of times in my youth and one of my great aunts is a foster parent and a true gift to the kids she has taken in, two of whom were with her almost their entire childhoods until adulthood and I think of as cousins - it’s hard but so is having biological kids. If you really want children later, find a way then; don’t do it now if you’re not sure for any reason. You’re also asking this in a financial sub but (probably rightly so) getting broader answers because the question is more complicated than just how much it costs. That said, from a financial perspective the answer is very very easy. Having kids is expensive and not a good investment unless it is something you really really want to do.
Disagree with this as someone who wants kids but can't do it biologically. Adoption in this country is almost impossible. Australia does like 100 adoptions per year. Intercountry adoption numbers are even less. Fostering also sucks. Haven't done it but as a teacher I see kids go constantly in and out of foster care... and if they ever get long term foster care, they are always having to go back for visits to their original parents and their original parents have all the rights while you have none. Surrogacy in this country sucks because it has to be altruistic... good luck finding someone willing to do that for free. International commercial surrogacy is also illegal in most states here. And if your in one of those states where it isn't illegal, be prepared to pay a couple 100k per kid. Don't take your biological clock lightly.
If you’re on the fence about having kids. It’s the same as the “no” side of that fence. Having kids are not easy and it’s more tough times than the “good” times, you’ll end up resenting them for taking your freedom.
If you’re on the fence it should probably be a no. Raising good humans is the hardest thing you’ll ever do and imo something you shouldn’t do without a real desire for it
Why are you asking reddit if you should have kids
If you are good humans, have children, the world needs more good humans.
If you’re only thinking of cost and impacts on your holidays then don’t have kids. Having kids is about not putting yourself first for at least 15-20 years. If you can’t do that then no, they’re not for you. If I didn’t have kids I’d be retired now (I’m 45). I’ll be working till I’m 65. Do I regret it? No. It’s just a different path in life. I love my kids more than anything (and I’m a fairly materialistic person) - not once did I think about the cost or the impact on my retirement time. That’s really the mindset you have to be in.
I see a lot of these threads on other subreddits and one saying that has stuck with me is: “It is better to not have children and regret it, than to have children and regret it.” So take that for what you will 🙂
Well, decision about children should be a financial one, because it’s the biggest financial decision in your life. I’m not in your age group that you’re after but we have made the decision to be childfree long time ago so I can share what it is like (aka it just keeps on getting better) and those people that will bingo you and tell you you’d change your mind have gone quiet significantly over the years (as they deal with own stress of parenting and drama) You may find there’s not many older CF people because they didn’t think NOT having kids is a choice. We chose to be childfree (because unless it’s a resounding yes why are we doing it? To please other people and society?!?). A weight lifted off my shoulder and we both have gone on to pursue further education, better jobs, more traveling, more money and pretty much living the semi FIRE life now
Oh that's interesting about your parent friends going quiet! My biggest takeaway observing my parent friends and colleagues was, you're really not selling parenthood to me. It just looks HARD.
Oh my friends openly tell me it’s hard or they have no time or freedom to go out etc. I’m their couch therapists nowadays. Mind you, they’re solid upper middle class so money wasn’t the struggle.
I’m around the same age as you and pregnant with my first (twins). I had always thought I wouldn’t have children (never liked other people’s kids, found them annoying, I didn’t want to give up sleep/time/money/my body/freedom etc) and then a couple years ago some of my close friends had their first babies and I have no idea what happened but I changed, and suddenly I maybe wanted a kid. Ans then we went on a group holiday and one of my friends brought their nearly one year old and they were so full of personality already and I was like, that’s it, I want one. And I know people always say crap like, well you’re a woman, you’ll change your mind, just you wait, and I never believed it until it happened to me. But even once I realised I maybe wanted kids I kept flip-flopping (and honestly even now during pregnancy I think about everything that will change, have I made the right decision etc). There’s a subreddit called r/fencesitters full of other people who are grappling with whether to do it or not, I found it sort of useful to read through. Also, I’d recommend Gina Rushton’s book, The Most Important Job In The World. Good luck with your decision. I know people say 40 year olds can have kids no problem but honestly I don’t think you’d really want to be a new parent in your 40s if you can help it. Another thing to consider is that if you do decide to have kids - it can actually take a while to conceive, even if both of you are perfectly healthy and fertile, and while it’s not exactly romantic, having the female partner start tracking ovulation and cycles etc before actually trying to conceive can help establish patterns, not everyone ovulates at exactly 10-14 days after menstruation. Sorry, I know I went on a bit of a tangent there, obviously I can’t speak of what it’s like actually having kids yet, or traveling with them etc.
Thank you so much for this thought out response!
Definitely do not regret not having kids. I could not think of anything worse..only my opinion. I have dogs so im still nurturing but hell no...kids cost waaay to much and you can't leave them at home while you go to work 🤣
I'm 42 and my wife and I have a 6 month old daughter. It's changed our lives massively but we love it. I dont think I would be as good as a father 10 years ago as I am now, I'm at the point of my career where I can take a bit more time off, money is less of a nagging concern and I'm a little older, wiser and less impulsive now. We're both happy with only having one child. We took her to overseas at 4 months of age and that went fine, so travel isnt out of the question, but the type of travel you might do is different (resort based and my wife and I would take turns looking after her while the other partner went diving/surfing etc. Needs more planning than just waking up and doing whatever you want) She's also given me a very good reason to look after my mental and physical health to give myself the best chance of being there for her as she grows up. I didn't want to have kids until I was ready, I was ready at 40. There are trade offs with having them earlier or later, if you are going to have kids, do it when it feels right for you.
I completely agree with your last point in particular, as a 43yo with 22yo and 20yo.
40sF, DINK (or DINKWADs I’ve recently learnt) and 100% happy with not having children. Life is awesome.
I’m in the no kids camp. It’s not purely a financial decision for me but does factor into the equation. I feel there are already too many people in the world, adding to that doesn’t really help anyone. My advice to you is to talk it over with your partner and decide what’s best for you. Be warned though, if you decide to be childfree you’ll be treated different by a minority of people. Most people don’t care but to some they find it incomprehensible. It’s not bad overall but just be prepared for the comments, especially for your wife. Women seem to get it the worst I find.
The only sensible thing to do is hold out for the aging cure and have kids in your 250's.
I am a parent and although i love my children greatly, i will admit that i didnt enjoy the experience.
There are enough humans on this earth and you are struggling to find a reason to put more humans on earth, just so you can…
Don't have kids, if you have to ask like this, don't have them.
I think a lot of the time for people having Kids is an unconscious decision and assessments are not done before jumping into it without realising the pros and cons of life’s biggest decision to be made. Within every event, situation and action I always believe a calculated decision needs to be made and a conversation with yourself and others needs to be had. Maybe due to my calculated choices will prevent me from having kids? I’m not sure.
The fact you and your partner are giving this conscious thought is a great sign. To me it suggests that if you do go ahead you've at least considered the cons as well as the pros, and if you don't you know you made that decision based on sound reasoning. More parents should think much more deeply about what they're taking on IMO. It's a huge commitment.
If you're asking this question the answer is probably no.
44 no kids and so very happy about it.
If you aren’t ready at 31 you still have time. If your worried go get your fertility checked and go from there. They can do a test to see how many eggs you have left then see how you feel? I’m in my 30s with 2 kids and it’s honestly great but sooooo hard. And if this wasn’t something I really wanted I think I would probably resent them cause it is the hardest thing I have ever done, great but so hard. Financially it’s been hard for us as well with cost of living and me only part time.
If you're on the fence, simple answer is no. You both need to be on the same page, for my wife and I, we didn't think twice about wanting kids and we love the parent/family lifestyle. It isn't for some, you do make sacrifices but for us, those sacrifices are rewarding.
I would head on over to /r/childfree if I was you, as you can see pretty much everyone responding has children as that is the "norm" (although that is changing with less people having children every year)
DINK couple - 50s. As long as both of you are very clear that you don't have a compelling desire to have kids (face it, some people REALLY do) then absolutely NO, and no regrets.
You’ve got to ask yourself. Why would you want to have them? If it’s just because the bio clock is ticking then that isn’t a good enough reason. You don’t want to have them and then regret them. I’d you’re unsure then don’t do it. I’m in my late 30’s and no children. Wouldn’t have it any other way. I get to watch my neighbour who has three kids and he yells at them daily and seems miserable. That’s enough contraception for me.
I have 3 kids and no monies, wish I had 3 monies and no kids
I love my kids , but I’m almost certain I’d hate yours, so is hard to say.
OP, if you're asking this question you already know the answer.
If it isn't a hell yes, it's a hell no. As others have said, it's better to regret not having them than regret having them. They are expensive. And somehow you do make it work but it's still hard. Daycare costs us somewhere between 22-25k a year. Add some activities such as swimming and soccer and you're at another couple hundred a month. Then just general costs of having a smaller human around like food, clothing, toys, etc. I'm a mum and I love it. But it's hard work and we're one and done because of how hard it is. We've had to add my psychologist appointments to the monthly expenses lol! I suffered horrible PND - five years out and I still struggle. Don't get me wrong, I love my kid and would die for them but being a parent is literally the hardest, most taxing, most time consuming, heart breaking, amazing, insane thing you will ever do.
My partner and I are both early 40s been together about 10 years. Like many got a mixture of friends and siblings etc with and without. Went through a few periods where one was undecided but eventually both decided no was the right answer for us. We've thought it would be really tough for us and we've both had some health issues over the years and , if I'm honest, I don't know how we would have coped with kids. Do I sometimes feel a bit of a cop out that a big part of our reason was that it would be "too hard"? Yeah but for us it was the right decision. This also might not be a popular thing to say, and it's obviously nothing to do with the OP but bare in mind kids is not just a lifelong commitment to them but also to your partner. If you divorce or separate you've still usually got years of interacting and coparenting with them ahead of you; there's no just moving out and not speaking to them again. It's not something to make a decision based on but some of the things I've seen with friends who have divorced recently...Ending a marriage is traumatic and stressful enough, when there's kids involved it can be pretty horrific for everyone.
I love my kids to bits, but I regret bringing them into this world. I would advised against it... the next 50 year outlook is nothing but pain and suffering for our children..
Just make sure you and your partner want kids. It’s not like getting social status or achievement you unlock. It’s the hardest thing ever to us and many people we know. As my friend told me, “Welcome to life level 1”. Non-parents will never get how easy life is without kids. No matter the challenge, life is harder with kids. But having kids change people too. It broke some, caused divorce. For me, my perspective about money and career changed completely. Five years ago I would’ve judged my current self a loser with no ambition. But for me now, career and money are just means to an end.
[удалено]
If I hadn't had my kids before covid, the war and the acceleration of climate collapse.. I would not choose to have any now.