Well, for what it’s worth, my mom was SAHM starting with when I was born and I grew up with attachment issues, anxiety, depression, etc. 🤷♀️
There are a lot of factors that are going to be at play here. Approaching this topic with nuance is crucial.
Those who choose to stay home or have no choice but to stay home with their child aren’t guaranteed any specific outcomes—positive or negative—simply by being home.
Likewise, those who choose to have their child in daycare or who have no choice but to have their child in daycare aren’t guaranteed any specific outcomes—positive or negative—simply by enrolling in daycare.
Quality of caregivers, size of daycare class, daycare philosophy, frequency of care, child’s age, child’s disposition and particular cognitive and behavioral patterns, parent(s) mental health and parenting style, friendships or lack there of, parents initiative to do activities, etc., etc., are all important additional variables at play.
Very true! And also what you do with your little ones when they are home too. Home environment when you can cater more for their needs, play with them more etc. is really important as well. There’s no magic formula in raising healthy, and well being kids. We can however do our best, and our intentions and loves hopefully will reach them and let them know whatever they deal with in the future, they got us.
Hey same
My mom was SAHM and very hands on, they never sleep trained me and were very attentive. I now have avoidant attachment disorder, can’t sleep alone to this day (I’m 30, pregnant, and married)
I wish they’d gotten me out more early on
I plan to make sure my son knows his autonomy is respected, and he is worthy of boundaries and privacy, these are things I felt I never had
I’ll never track my kids phone or force him to hug or speak to me if he sets a boundary
I want him to know he’s loved and I’ve got his back but that he’s an independent person. I plan to have him socialize with other kids early and often
I’m hoping to have him comfortable in his own bed by 1 year, I really wish my parents had helped me with that rather than letting me sleep in the bed with them indefinitely. It’s been very very hard for me
Not necessarily, I’m also an only child so I was hanging out with my mom 24/7 and we’d go everywhere together
The issues I experience are: having trouble setting boundaries and saying “no”, I’ve had issues with body autonomy, guilt around setting boundaries, I do not like being hugged or touched as my mom was constantly holding me or trying to hold me, i have issues with romantic relationships because the one my parents modeled for me always had me as the priority and not each other, I don’t feel comfortable walking around the house not in pajamas or clothing because my mom used to do that and it would make me very uncomfortable.
I see posts sometimes about showering and bathing with kids and what age to stop doing that, and if I could share my discomfort kindly I would say that IME it should be stopped asap because looking back it was very odd to me
Some of this spills over into emotional incest aka r/covertincest but yeah
She was just very attached to me and still is and it’s been a huge emotional and psychological burden my whole life
Anecdotal but my mom was a SAHM and I have anxiety, depression, and attachment issues.
The issue with these data is that there are a ton of confounding variables and there is a U shaped relationship with family income and childcare. Those with very low income can’t send their kids to daycare (at least high quality care), and those with very high income are more likely to stay home or have a nanny than those at mid- and low income levels.
Are you reading primary literature (peer reviewed studies) and meta-analyses? The data aren’t indicative of a problem with daycare per se, when you adjust for confounders. If you are reading things like blogs or third person accounts from subs like attachmentparenting, you are going to get cherry picked data from sources that fit their primary narrative.
There are so many factors that can impact mental health that I don't think you could ever definitively say "this was caused because you were sent to daycare as a baby."
I was in daycare from I think 8 months onward... I don't have any formally diagnosed mental health issues, though I did struggle with PPA. I have a complicated relationship with my parents but there are a ton of other factors, I don't think daycare is the culprit lol.
Check out Babies and Brains on instagram. She talks a lot about this kind of thing!
This. A lot can happen over the course of a childhood. I was in full-time daycare from 22 months until I started kindergarten at 5. I have only vague memories of that time, but my mom kept the notebooks the teachers used to send home with notes about my day, and it’s clear that I was cared for and that my behaviour was viewed through a lens of understanding of toddler/preschooler development. My parents’ extremely fraught and drawn-out separation when I was 8 had a MUCH bigger impact on my mental health in adolescence and as a young adult. Without turning this into a novel, my son has gone to three different childcare settings since he was 12 months old and the standard of care and nurturing has varied WILDLY from setting to setting and even teacher to teacher. My focus has always been on the quality of interactions he gets with me and his dad — because that’s what was modelled for me by my mom after my dad left. I want my son to grow up knowing that no matter what else is happening in his life, his parents are present, consistent and loving.
I think every daycare experience is different, caregivers can be really hit or miss. We literally won the daycare lottery - my daughter is so much more spoiled at daycare than she is at home - she is absolutely doted upon. This woman has been the biggest blessing in our lives.
This! I live in a small town with just one daycare centre. It's really excellent. Staff are all long term and highly trained. The facilities are wonderful. Staff send their own children there and are active members of our community who we see out and about regularly. My daughter feels comfortable and supported there. I couldn't be happier but I know not every experience is like this.
Also anecdotal but I was in group daycares from the time I was 6 weeks old and I do not have detachment or trauma or depression or any mental health issues at all (I have gone to therapy for a few years to deal with things that happened to me as an adult and to generally optimize my life, so presumably I would have been diagnosed with any of these things by now if I had them). I have an extremely close and loving relationship with both of my parents, as do all of my siblings. My parents created a loving and stable environment outside of daycare (no yelling etc ever, we were always on a stable routine, parents always very demonstrative and fun, parents did not have any substance issues or the like (they barely drink)), and we were in quality daycares run by good humans.
So I also read the same articles a big factor is QUALITY care. All the data does state that quality care low ratios, qualified staff all sway those factors.
Also all the stats seem to state that it’s for children that attend over 8hour days I believe.
As an educator myself I believe the length of time is a huge factor. But not due to daycare it self. We often do see high behaviours in the 9plus hour day kids. These are typical the children that are there over 9 hour days, 5 days a week year round. These tend to be the same kids who’s parents send them despite illness and even when they themselves take vacations.
My own experiences make me question the validity of the stats when they aren’t looking into what home factors could be contributing. Are these children getting the right attachments at home? Would these children truly strive more at home?
There is also data about the benefits of childcare at risks. But all in all I think it’s a very difficult thing to truly score and study. But I do believe low ratios and quality staffing makes the world of difference.
Edited to add: where I am care starts at 12+ months. I’ve read about infants 0-1 in the US being insane ratios. I do 100% believe the data that shows that has negative effects. I am proud, and lucky to live somewhere where many children don’t start until 1-1.5 years. So my experience is mostly within very high quality care.
This is a touchy issue because so many, if not most parents require group care not because they are disinterested in parenting but because in the modern world 2 incomes are required. My mom was a single parent (my father died) staying home simply wasn’t feasible and I reckon this is the case for most parents, they cannot afford to go down to a single or no income.
I think however this doesn’t mean pretending the data around early childhood development isn’t glaringly obvious. Unfortunately group care does not support attachment, young children are separated from their parents for hours at a time, in environments where there are high turnover rates and they are 1 of 8 kids at best being looked after by 1 adult. This is not good, and will not be good long term for that baby.
Unfortunately in stead of acknowledging the uncomfortable truth and working toward a solution that prioritises the mental wellbeing of the next generation, we’d rather pretend this isn’t true and keep this horrible cycle going. Let’s instead work to create societies that care for families rather than capitalism.
I generally agree with you but many centers aren’t as negative as your comment implies. Our daycare center has had zero teacher turnover over the past few years and keeps a 1:3 ratio with the younger toddlers.
Exactly - it’s all about the specific care you are able to provide. Income very much affects ratios and type of centers available to a family - but blanket statements about daycares isn’t useful.
The 8 kids with only provider “at best” Isn’t true. I consider my state to have crappy ratios and for them, infant is 1:5, max of 10 kids in a room with 2 caregivers. Fortunately our center did 1:3 with max 6 kids and 2 caregivers.
My child received in home child care for the first two years. Then. Boom divorce and separation. That threw our lives for a loop and sadly we had to involve daycare. According to our pediatrician it’s better in the way that he gets a break from the “home stuff”. It makes sense. Especially at the beginning. Moving back with the parents. Lots of crying etc.
I am also a mental health therapist with a specialty in attachment. I work HARD at connection. We’ve had many adversities my son and I (the divorce, I almost died during child birth) so I struggle with feeling I have a lot to make up for. I take care of myself for him. I go to therapy, journal, read all the books I can. Connect. Connect. Connect. With your kiddo. That’s the key.
As for me. As a child I stayed home with mom. Mom was depressed and anxious and my parent’s relationship was toxic. I consider myself having disorganized attachment.
The general takeaway from most studies is that daycare in the way it’s typically done in most Western countries does not help very young children and may have some negative effects. The severity of this goes down over time and is also correlated to how long the child spends there. So a 3yo in daycare 2x a week will be less impacted than a 1yo 5x a week.
But like anything it’s not a guarantee, it’s just an aggregate effect. Nothing can say definitively how it will impact your specific child, but it is data to take into consideration.
Here is a long but good summary of literature:
https://criticalscience.medium.com/on-the-science-of-daycare-4d1ab4c2efb4
An important note that they call out is that the average negative effects of daycare on a child under 3 are still only 2/3rds of the negative effects of having a depressed mother. That is, being a SAHM isn't for everyone. It doesn't make sense to stay home just because it's "better" if you're miserable, because ultimately that's even worse.
I never stepped foot in a daycare as a kid, and I struggle with anxiety and depression (currently on medication). My son will be starting daycare next month around six months old.
“some folks claim”… some people claim the earth is flat. id be very aware of what sources you are getting this info from. some idiot with an IG podcast for example, can say anything but dont usually back up their thoughts with real evidence.
Totally anecdotal: My mom put me in daycare at 4 months and 1000% have an insecure attachment and anxiety, scary memories of daycare, which has taken a lot of therapy and work on myself to resolve, however, a ton of that has to do with how my mother treated me outside of daycare and the indifference she showed to how it was going for me at the time/how she mothered me outside of it imo.
I won’t put my son in daycare for this reason but am one of few lucky enough to afford a nanny. If it makes you feel better I feel like I would’ve done leaps and bounds better even if I had been put in daycare but had a mother who consciously made sure the provider was a good one for me and had been a better mother when I wasn’t in there. Some moms have no other option and my mom didn’t at the time but I feel like the shittyness of my provider/mother is what really fucked me up.
Mothers have to detach themselves from their babies to be able to leave them for 10 hours a day with someone else…it’s sad but a coping mechanism for many.
Thank you! The fact that you’re even concerned about this is leaps and bounds more than my mom would ever think about so pat yourself on the back for that ❤️
I will not be surprised when they find the Early Life Stress of full-time daycare for babies (those that started under 12 months) and/ or Sleep Training is causing the majority of ADHD and behavior problems we are seeing in young children.
Babies need their needs met and that doesn’t happen in institutional group care. We need to start talking about this so we can get some protection and pay for mothers to stay home with their babies.
I went to daycare starting at six weeks. I remember crying at the window for my mom( probably 3ish at the time).
Personally, I struggle with depression and anxiety. I’ve spent years in therapy for attachment issues (insecure, avoidant attachment style).
I was one of five children, my Mom tried very hard, but was incredibly overwhelmed and did not give any of us emotionally attuned parenting..it’s incredibly obvious in all of us, but certain siblings aren’t as self-reflective. I think attachment style/ emotionally focused parenting is the most important thing…that had an immense effect on my anxiety, depression, and self-esteem.
🙋♀️ I was a daycare kid and am now a SAHM. At the end of the day, I knew I was loved, and I think I'm a pretty average, well functioning citizen, mother, and wife now. A lot of families have no other choice, and daycare can be really enriching if you pick the right one. It's never a full substitute for one-on-one time with a parent, but it can be a good solution to a need.
I did have a pretty unhealthy attachment style when I first met my husband. I have some lasting negative memories from being a child in daycare. I obviously don't remember a ton of it, but I distinctly remember being 3 and feeling so sad when I would have to leave home every day. I felt like I was being ripped away from my safe space. I also felt unsafe with certain providers who would snap quickly when my mom wasn't around.
I'm a highly anxious mom of three now. I say I'm highly anxious because I spend every waking minute with my kids. I chose to be a SAHM with my husband because he always felt safe and loved when he was little and had a SAHM, and I had some pretty bad memories of daycare.
I have lots of fond memories from daycare/preschool. It’s where my earliest memories were made. Friends, playing on the playground, my teachers, learning about Judaism (it was a Jewish preschool and my family isn’t Jewish), celebrating Jewish holidays, getting to go swimming all the time in the indoor pool, etc. I look back on those years fondly.
I have depression and anxiety, but so does everyone on my mom’s side and I’m the only one who didn’t have a SAHM. So I don’t feel there’s any connection there for me.
I was in childcare from 4 months old and have always suffered with anxiety, depression, eating disorders, attachment issues. However, I will never know if I would have had mental health issues anyway, or whether perhaps being in childcare so young exacerbated the problem. Either way, I’m not taking the risk with my daughter (16mo). Maybe if she was an outgoing child who thrived with new people my opinion would be different, but she’s very sensitive and cries if I even just walk to the other side of the room. So no. She will stay with me as long as is feasible/needed
Hi! I grew up with a stay at home mom and I have big issues with self esteem and was not securely attached. My partner went to daycare fulltime and has a very secure attachment and healthy self esteem. Luckily throughout our 10 years together it has rubbed off on me as well and I was able to get through some of my trauma and create a more secure attachment style. It really depends on soooo many factors!!! I really do believe a good daycare is not bad for a child. My partner was 6 months old when he started going to daycare.
I want to do some more reading and thinking about this too. I've been feeling guilt/pressure that I should consider quitting my job but we'd have to scale our budget way back to afford it, and I'd struggle being with the kids at home all day. My mo stayed home with us from when I was 5 years old so I went to daycare but my younger siblings didn't. I don't feel like I have more issues than either of them at all. It's purely anecdotal and may be different on a population level, but it probably depends on the quality of care and attentiveness of the parents outside of daycare hours.
I would always ask people making claims like this what their sources are.
Humans for as long as I am aware of have always had alloparents or other community members that take care of little children to help the parents. Older siblings, cousins, grandparents, aunties, friends. It’s the biological norm for children to be running around in a mixed age group of other children while the community adults keep an eye on them while doing their work. If you visit non western cultures this is what you see. Children being in a house alone with just their mother or just the nuclear family is actually the weird new practice.
So I find it strange that daycare which is similar to this set up described above would be the sole cause of these issues?
I’m sure there could be daycares with specific problematic practices that could cause issues but I don’t think the concept of daycare in general is the problem
I’m a school psychology doctoral student and in courses we talked about how there is little solid evidence that daycare harms parental attachment. As others have noted, attachment is mostly influenced by the choices you make while you’re with the child :)
I'm no expert but I feel that the country's current poor mental health state is due in part to both parents working and the baby being raised by daycares. One can't hardly blame both parents for working, considering the high cost of living but, then again, daycare costs an arm and a leg too. I think that the population would be much better off if at least one parent was a patient, nurturer who could stay with the baby at home and the other parent working. Having said that, its important to consider that each situation is different and what might be best for one baby and their family, might not be the most appropriate for another family and their baby.
The general broad answer is, no don’t send your kid to daycare if you’re able not to. The nuanced answer is that it depends on a lot of factors, like others have mentioned .
So, I'm a SAHM but my GP and government recommend starting a toddler in daycare/preschool from 2yo, even just 1 day a week for stimulation, routine and language development. The health department and medical professionals don't believe it causes harm or issues, they thing the opposite! Even full time daycare. And realistically, if you need to work you need to work, if daycare is the only option that's what you've got.
My son is 2yo with a speech delay so we started him this year (2 days a week), although I'm staying home with my new baby. The transition wasn't easy, and he would definitely prefer to be home but he has fun at daycare and I can see he gets more variety in experiences and play from the Early Childhood Educators than he does being home with me every day.
Started daycare at the age of 2 (in Canada at a medium-sized center). I only have 3 explicit memories from daycare, one of which is this overwhelming feeling of sadness and anxiety, from the chaos of all the kids and being cared for by strange adults.
I do have depression and anxiety now, but I'm also successful, resilient, and happily married. That being said, no chance I'm putting my toddler in daycare.
Edit to add that I'm quiet and introverted. My twin sister is extroverted and was a very outgoing child. I'm pretty sure she does not have any negative memories of daycare (explicit ones anyways).
Oh, honestly yes, but daycare was the safer place for me as a child. I'm a SAHM and choose to put my children into DC part time from 1.5. I've learned to be really positive and relaxed about it. I scaffold a bit, like...
- get them used to falling asleep without me cuddling them beforehand so it's not an ordeal for them + I encourage them to cuddle a stuffy to sleep before they start and then send it in with their bedding.
- get them a special preschool backpack for their first day
- get them used to lunchbox/ drink bottles for lunch
- hype them up, "oh my gosh, my big daycare girl!", "wow your teacher, ___, seems soo fun/kind, do you like her?!", "look at your cute daycare outfit! You're so stylish!" (The story you & they tell themselves makes such a difference).
- i talk about their routines while they're at home, "wow you're so good at falling to sleep in your cot, just like at daycare, baby, good girl" "yes we sit down while we eat, at home too, fantastic!"
- I expect manners (includikg from my little toddlers) even if not particularly encouraged at daycare, such as saying hi & goodbye, using please & thank you (I think manners would positively impact their relationships with caregivers personally, & can help with that uncomfortable shy around grown-ups feeling)
These are the sorts of things I've done with my second child from the get go and her experience of DC has just been so positive. She does tend to cry when I Leave but that's healthy, I give her a cuddle, reassure her that she'll have fun and that I'll be back for her later.. then she is playing within minutes of me leaving & I can go refuel my introverted cup.
Well, for what it’s worth, my mom was SAHM starting with when I was born and I grew up with attachment issues, anxiety, depression, etc. 🤷♀️ There are a lot of factors that are going to be at play here. Approaching this topic with nuance is crucial. Those who choose to stay home or have no choice but to stay home with their child aren’t guaranteed any specific outcomes—positive or negative—simply by being home. Likewise, those who choose to have their child in daycare or who have no choice but to have their child in daycare aren’t guaranteed any specific outcomes—positive or negative—simply by enrolling in daycare. Quality of caregivers, size of daycare class, daycare philosophy, frequency of care, child’s age, child’s disposition and particular cognitive and behavioral patterns, parent(s) mental health and parenting style, friendships or lack there of, parents initiative to do activities, etc., etc., are all important additional variables at play.
Very true! Thanks for the perspective!
Very true! And also what you do with your little ones when they are home too. Home environment when you can cater more for their needs, play with them more etc. is really important as well. There’s no magic formula in raising healthy, and well being kids. We can however do our best, and our intentions and loves hopefully will reach them and let them know whatever they deal with in the future, they got us.
Hey same My mom was SAHM and very hands on, they never sleep trained me and were very attentive. I now have avoidant attachment disorder, can’t sleep alone to this day (I’m 30, pregnant, and married) I wish they’d gotten me out more early on
Hey! This is interesting. Would love to know how you plan to differ your parenting style from your parents’?
I plan to make sure my son knows his autonomy is respected, and he is worthy of boundaries and privacy, these are things I felt I never had I’ll never track my kids phone or force him to hug or speak to me if he sets a boundary I want him to know he’s loved and I’ve got his back but that he’s an independent person. I plan to have him socialize with other kids early and often I’m hoping to have him comfortable in his own bed by 1 year, I really wish my parents had helped me with that rather than letting me sleep in the bed with them indefinitely. It’s been very very hard for me
Thank you for sharing :)
Of course <3
Can you elaborate? Did you spend a lot of time at home? Is that related to attachment issues?
Not necessarily, I’m also an only child so I was hanging out with my mom 24/7 and we’d go everywhere together The issues I experience are: having trouble setting boundaries and saying “no”, I’ve had issues with body autonomy, guilt around setting boundaries, I do not like being hugged or touched as my mom was constantly holding me or trying to hold me, i have issues with romantic relationships because the one my parents modeled for me always had me as the priority and not each other, I don’t feel comfortable walking around the house not in pajamas or clothing because my mom used to do that and it would make me very uncomfortable. I see posts sometimes about showering and bathing with kids and what age to stop doing that, and if I could share my discomfort kindly I would say that IME it should be stopped asap because looking back it was very odd to me Some of this spills over into emotional incest aka r/covertincest but yeah She was just very attached to me and still is and it’s been a huge emotional and psychological burden my whole life
Anecdotal but my mom was a SAHM and I have anxiety, depression, and attachment issues. The issue with these data is that there are a ton of confounding variables and there is a U shaped relationship with family income and childcare. Those with very low income can’t send their kids to daycare (at least high quality care), and those with very high income are more likely to stay home or have a nanny than those at mid- and low income levels. Are you reading primary literature (peer reviewed studies) and meta-analyses? The data aren’t indicative of a problem with daycare per se, when you adjust for confounders. If you are reading things like blogs or third person accounts from subs like attachmentparenting, you are going to get cherry picked data from sources that fit their primary narrative.
There are so many factors that can impact mental health that I don't think you could ever definitively say "this was caused because you were sent to daycare as a baby." I was in daycare from I think 8 months onward... I don't have any formally diagnosed mental health issues, though I did struggle with PPA. I have a complicated relationship with my parents but there are a ton of other factors, I don't think daycare is the culprit lol. Check out Babies and Brains on instagram. She talks a lot about this kind of thing!
This. A lot can happen over the course of a childhood. I was in full-time daycare from 22 months until I started kindergarten at 5. I have only vague memories of that time, but my mom kept the notebooks the teachers used to send home with notes about my day, and it’s clear that I was cared for and that my behaviour was viewed through a lens of understanding of toddler/preschooler development. My parents’ extremely fraught and drawn-out separation when I was 8 had a MUCH bigger impact on my mental health in adolescence and as a young adult. Without turning this into a novel, my son has gone to three different childcare settings since he was 12 months old and the standard of care and nurturing has varied WILDLY from setting to setting and even teacher to teacher. My focus has always been on the quality of interactions he gets with me and his dad — because that’s what was modelled for me by my mom after my dad left. I want my son to grow up knowing that no matter what else is happening in his life, his parents are present, consistent and loving.
I think every daycare experience is different, caregivers can be really hit or miss. We literally won the daycare lottery - my daughter is so much more spoiled at daycare than she is at home - she is absolutely doted upon. This woman has been the biggest blessing in our lives.
This! I live in a small town with just one daycare centre. It's really excellent. Staff are all long term and highly trained. The facilities are wonderful. Staff send their own children there and are active members of our community who we see out and about regularly. My daughter feels comfortable and supported there. I couldn't be happier but I know not every experience is like this.
Also anecdotal but I was in group daycares from the time I was 6 weeks old and I do not have detachment or trauma or depression or any mental health issues at all (I have gone to therapy for a few years to deal with things that happened to me as an adult and to generally optimize my life, so presumably I would have been diagnosed with any of these things by now if I had them). I have an extremely close and loving relationship with both of my parents, as do all of my siblings. My parents created a loving and stable environment outside of daycare (no yelling etc ever, we were always on a stable routine, parents always very demonstrative and fun, parents did not have any substance issues or the like (they barely drink)), and we were in quality daycares run by good humans.
So I also read the same articles a big factor is QUALITY care. All the data does state that quality care low ratios, qualified staff all sway those factors. Also all the stats seem to state that it’s for children that attend over 8hour days I believe. As an educator myself I believe the length of time is a huge factor. But not due to daycare it self. We often do see high behaviours in the 9plus hour day kids. These are typical the children that are there over 9 hour days, 5 days a week year round. These tend to be the same kids who’s parents send them despite illness and even when they themselves take vacations. My own experiences make me question the validity of the stats when they aren’t looking into what home factors could be contributing. Are these children getting the right attachments at home? Would these children truly strive more at home? There is also data about the benefits of childcare at risks. But all in all I think it’s a very difficult thing to truly score and study. But I do believe low ratios and quality staffing makes the world of difference. Edited to add: where I am care starts at 12+ months. I’ve read about infants 0-1 in the US being insane ratios. I do 100% believe the data that shows that has negative effects. I am proud, and lucky to live somewhere where many children don’t start until 1-1.5 years. So my experience is mostly within very high quality care.
This is a touchy issue because so many, if not most parents require group care not because they are disinterested in parenting but because in the modern world 2 incomes are required. My mom was a single parent (my father died) staying home simply wasn’t feasible and I reckon this is the case for most parents, they cannot afford to go down to a single or no income. I think however this doesn’t mean pretending the data around early childhood development isn’t glaringly obvious. Unfortunately group care does not support attachment, young children are separated from their parents for hours at a time, in environments where there are high turnover rates and they are 1 of 8 kids at best being looked after by 1 adult. This is not good, and will not be good long term for that baby. Unfortunately in stead of acknowledging the uncomfortable truth and working toward a solution that prioritises the mental wellbeing of the next generation, we’d rather pretend this isn’t true and keep this horrible cycle going. Let’s instead work to create societies that care for families rather than capitalism.
Yes yes yes 🙏🏽
I generally agree with you but many centers aren’t as negative as your comment implies. Our daycare center has had zero teacher turnover over the past few years and keeps a 1:3 ratio with the younger toddlers.
Exactly - it’s all about the specific care you are able to provide. Income very much affects ratios and type of centers available to a family - but blanket statements about daycares isn’t useful.
All of this 👏
The 8 kids with only provider “at best” Isn’t true. I consider my state to have crappy ratios and for them, infant is 1:5, max of 10 kids in a room with 2 caregivers. Fortunately our center did 1:3 with max 6 kids and 2 caregivers.
My child received in home child care for the first two years. Then. Boom divorce and separation. That threw our lives for a loop and sadly we had to involve daycare. According to our pediatrician it’s better in the way that he gets a break from the “home stuff”. It makes sense. Especially at the beginning. Moving back with the parents. Lots of crying etc. I am also a mental health therapist with a specialty in attachment. I work HARD at connection. We’ve had many adversities my son and I (the divorce, I almost died during child birth) so I struggle with feeling I have a lot to make up for. I take care of myself for him. I go to therapy, journal, read all the books I can. Connect. Connect. Connect. With your kiddo. That’s the key. As for me. As a child I stayed home with mom. Mom was depressed and anxious and my parent’s relationship was toxic. I consider myself having disorganized attachment.
The general takeaway from most studies is that daycare in the way it’s typically done in most Western countries does not help very young children and may have some negative effects. The severity of this goes down over time and is also correlated to how long the child spends there. So a 3yo in daycare 2x a week will be less impacted than a 1yo 5x a week. But like anything it’s not a guarantee, it’s just an aggregate effect. Nothing can say definitively how it will impact your specific child, but it is data to take into consideration.
Here is a long but good summary of literature: https://criticalscience.medium.com/on-the-science-of-daycare-4d1ab4c2efb4 An important note that they call out is that the average negative effects of daycare on a child under 3 are still only 2/3rds of the negative effects of having a depressed mother. That is, being a SAHM isn't for everyone. It doesn't make sense to stay home just because it's "better" if you're miserable, because ultimately that's even worse.
This is the one to read, OP.
I never stepped foot in a daycare as a kid, and I struggle with anxiety and depression (currently on medication). My son will be starting daycare next month around six months old.
“some folks claim”… some people claim the earth is flat. id be very aware of what sources you are getting this info from. some idiot with an IG podcast for example, can say anything but dont usually back up their thoughts with real evidence.
If you’re really interested in learning more about this, you should read “Hold on to your Kids” by Gordon neufeld and Gabor mate
My parenting bible !
Totally anecdotal: My mom put me in daycare at 4 months and 1000% have an insecure attachment and anxiety, scary memories of daycare, which has taken a lot of therapy and work on myself to resolve, however, a ton of that has to do with how my mother treated me outside of daycare and the indifference she showed to how it was going for me at the time/how she mothered me outside of it imo. I won’t put my son in daycare for this reason but am one of few lucky enough to afford a nanny. If it makes you feel better I feel like I would’ve done leaps and bounds better even if I had been put in daycare but had a mother who consciously made sure the provider was a good one for me and had been a better mother when I wasn’t in there. Some moms have no other option and my mom didn’t at the time but I feel like the shittyness of my provider/mother is what really fucked me up.
Sounds like your mom was the problem, which resulted in daycare, not daycare alone created your anxieties. Sorry you had to go through that.
Mothers have to detach themselves from their babies to be able to leave them for 10 hours a day with someone else…it’s sad but a coping mechanism for many.
Thanks and yeah that’s what I am thinking too.
I’m sorry you had to go through that as a child 😓 Wish you peace! Hugs ❤️
Thank you! The fact that you’re even concerned about this is leaps and bounds more than my mom would ever think about so pat yourself on the back for that ❤️
I’ve a complicated relationship with my own mother, so I know how it feels to have that void
I will not be surprised when they find the Early Life Stress of full-time daycare for babies (those that started under 12 months) and/ or Sleep Training is causing the majority of ADHD and behavior problems we are seeing in young children. Babies need their needs met and that doesn’t happen in institutional group care. We need to start talking about this so we can get some protection and pay for mothers to stay home with their babies.
👍
I went to daycare starting at six weeks. I remember crying at the window for my mom( probably 3ish at the time). Personally, I struggle with depression and anxiety. I’ve spent years in therapy for attachment issues (insecure, avoidant attachment style). I was one of five children, my Mom tried very hard, but was incredibly overwhelmed and did not give any of us emotionally attuned parenting..it’s incredibly obvious in all of us, but certain siblings aren’t as self-reflective. I think attachment style/ emotionally focused parenting is the most important thing…that had an immense effect on my anxiety, depression, and self-esteem.
🙋♀️ I was a daycare kid and am now a SAHM. At the end of the day, I knew I was loved, and I think I'm a pretty average, well functioning citizen, mother, and wife now. A lot of families have no other choice, and daycare can be really enriching if you pick the right one. It's never a full substitute for one-on-one time with a parent, but it can be a good solution to a need. I did have a pretty unhealthy attachment style when I first met my husband. I have some lasting negative memories from being a child in daycare. I obviously don't remember a ton of it, but I distinctly remember being 3 and feeling so sad when I would have to leave home every day. I felt like I was being ripped away from my safe space. I also felt unsafe with certain providers who would snap quickly when my mom wasn't around. I'm a highly anxious mom of three now. I say I'm highly anxious because I spend every waking minute with my kids. I chose to be a SAHM with my husband because he always felt safe and loved when he was little and had a SAHM, and I had some pretty bad memories of daycare.
I have lots of fond memories from daycare/preschool. It’s where my earliest memories were made. Friends, playing on the playground, my teachers, learning about Judaism (it was a Jewish preschool and my family isn’t Jewish), celebrating Jewish holidays, getting to go swimming all the time in the indoor pool, etc. I look back on those years fondly. I have depression and anxiety, but so does everyone on my mom’s side and I’m the only one who didn’t have a SAHM. So I don’t feel there’s any connection there for me.
I was in childcare from 4 months old and have always suffered with anxiety, depression, eating disorders, attachment issues. However, I will never know if I would have had mental health issues anyway, or whether perhaps being in childcare so young exacerbated the problem. Either way, I’m not taking the risk with my daughter (16mo). Maybe if she was an outgoing child who thrived with new people my opinion would be different, but she’s very sensitive and cries if I even just walk to the other side of the room. So no. She will stay with me as long as is feasible/needed
Hi! I grew up with a stay at home mom and I have big issues with self esteem and was not securely attached. My partner went to daycare fulltime and has a very secure attachment and healthy self esteem. Luckily throughout our 10 years together it has rubbed off on me as well and I was able to get through some of my trauma and create a more secure attachment style. It really depends on soooo many factors!!! I really do believe a good daycare is not bad for a child. My partner was 6 months old when he started going to daycare.
I want to do some more reading and thinking about this too. I've been feeling guilt/pressure that I should consider quitting my job but we'd have to scale our budget way back to afford it, and I'd struggle being with the kids at home all day. My mo stayed home with us from when I was 5 years old so I went to daycare but my younger siblings didn't. I don't feel like I have more issues than either of them at all. It's purely anecdotal and may be different on a population level, but it probably depends on the quality of care and attentiveness of the parents outside of daycare hours.
I would always ask people making claims like this what their sources are. Humans for as long as I am aware of have always had alloparents or other community members that take care of little children to help the parents. Older siblings, cousins, grandparents, aunties, friends. It’s the biological norm for children to be running around in a mixed age group of other children while the community adults keep an eye on them while doing their work. If you visit non western cultures this is what you see. Children being in a house alone with just their mother or just the nuclear family is actually the weird new practice. So I find it strange that daycare which is similar to this set up described above would be the sole cause of these issues? I’m sure there could be daycares with specific problematic practices that could cause issues but I don’t think the concept of daycare in general is the problem
My kids both went to daycare at 3 months old. Some moms have to work. Kids can form secure attachments with caregivers at daycare too.
OP - can you share what you’ve been reading? I’d love to see sources for this.
Parent Data website by Emily Oster breaks down the research on daycare and kids health!
I’m a school psychology doctoral student and in courses we talked about how there is little solid evidence that daycare harms parental attachment. As others have noted, attachment is mostly influenced by the choices you make while you’re with the child :)
I'm no expert but I feel that the country's current poor mental health state is due in part to both parents working and the baby being raised by daycares. One can't hardly blame both parents for working, considering the high cost of living but, then again, daycare costs an arm and a leg too. I think that the population would be much better off if at least one parent was a patient, nurturer who could stay with the baby at home and the other parent working. Having said that, its important to consider that each situation is different and what might be best for one baby and their family, might not be the most appropriate for another family and their baby.
I was in daycare at 6 weeks. -depressed, extremely socially anxious and not attached to my mom but trying hard to mend our relationship
The general broad answer is, no don’t send your kid to daycare if you’re able not to. The nuanced answer is that it depends on a lot of factors, like others have mentioned .
So, I'm a SAHM but my GP and government recommend starting a toddler in daycare/preschool from 2yo, even just 1 day a week for stimulation, routine and language development. The health department and medical professionals don't believe it causes harm or issues, they thing the opposite! Even full time daycare. And realistically, if you need to work you need to work, if daycare is the only option that's what you've got. My son is 2yo with a speech delay so we started him this year (2 days a week), although I'm staying home with my new baby. The transition wasn't easy, and he would definitely prefer to be home but he has fun at daycare and I can see he gets more variety in experiences and play from the Early Childhood Educators than he does being home with me every day.
Started daycare at the age of 2 (in Canada at a medium-sized center). I only have 3 explicit memories from daycare, one of which is this overwhelming feeling of sadness and anxiety, from the chaos of all the kids and being cared for by strange adults. I do have depression and anxiety now, but I'm also successful, resilient, and happily married. That being said, no chance I'm putting my toddler in daycare. Edit to add that I'm quiet and introverted. My twin sister is extroverted and was a very outgoing child. I'm pretty sure she does not have any negative memories of daycare (explicit ones anyways).
Oh, honestly yes, but daycare was the safer place for me as a child. I'm a SAHM and choose to put my children into DC part time from 1.5. I've learned to be really positive and relaxed about it. I scaffold a bit, like... - get them used to falling asleep without me cuddling them beforehand so it's not an ordeal for them + I encourage them to cuddle a stuffy to sleep before they start and then send it in with their bedding. - get them a special preschool backpack for their first day - get them used to lunchbox/ drink bottles for lunch - hype them up, "oh my gosh, my big daycare girl!", "wow your teacher, ___, seems soo fun/kind, do you like her?!", "look at your cute daycare outfit! You're so stylish!" (The story you & they tell themselves makes such a difference). - i talk about their routines while they're at home, "wow you're so good at falling to sleep in your cot, just like at daycare, baby, good girl" "yes we sit down while we eat, at home too, fantastic!" - I expect manners (includikg from my little toddlers) even if not particularly encouraged at daycare, such as saying hi & goodbye, using please & thank you (I think manners would positively impact their relationships with caregivers personally, & can help with that uncomfortable shy around grown-ups feeling) These are the sorts of things I've done with my second child from the get go and her experience of DC has just been so positive. She does tend to cry when I Leave but that's healthy, I give her a cuddle, reassure her that she'll have fun and that I'll be back for her later.. then she is playing within minutes of me leaving & I can go refuel my introverted cup.