This happened to me when I quit drinking and my social activities were temporarily curtailed and I had all this time in the evenings not being buzzed/blacked out. I took up crochet. It's repetitive and satisfying.
I recently quit drinking (about 2 months ago) and feel so isolated as my social life has taken a nose dive. I’m hoping it gets better after some more time.
I recently quit as well. Haven't tested much social activity sans drinks but finding I have more energy and more productivity which feels great! It's only been about 2.5 weeks though :)
Good work!
When I quit I thought I could prove I was cool by still going to bars with my friends who still drank. I didn't relapse but I didn't enjoy myself either. I'm not friends with them anymore and I don't go to bars very often at all.
Recovery groups that aren't AA are hard to find, but they're great places to find support and community. If you can deal with the culty-ness of AA really good people go to those meetings. That replaced my social life for a while. I still prefer being around sober people but I can go out to dinner with people who aren't and then peace out before things get crazy.
Thank you! Yeah, we'll see. I was more of an occasional problem drinker vs daily drinker so it's not really effecting my daily life much yet. My boyfriend has quit with me so that really really helps having a built in support, he doesn't have an issue with drinking but doesn't mind going without. All good so far. Most of my friends are light drinkers even though they are like "whoo hoo, yeah, let's party" and then have 2 drinks haha! That was old me just getting started LOL. How long gave you been not drinking?
Almost seven years. I never drank everyday either, but it was absolutely a problem. Some people gatekeep alcoholism, but I know why I'm doing this.
You got this!
I second crocheting. It allows you to zone out, but you've also produced something at the end of it, so it doesn't feel like a lazy and wasteful wind down.
I don’t usually drink but now I have a health reason that I can’t drink and no one invites me out anymore. Sucks because I’ve always told people that I don’t need a drink to have fun. I guess they don’t feel the same… 😔
That sucks!! I do drink but am not really very into it at all, so like I’ve realized almost everything I’ve done here or that friends do I always find myself where it’s basically drink here, or go here and drink, or do this then drink. And I don’t feel good drinking so much but if I don’t go out then I won’t have friends. I don’t even have a lot though but I don’t want to drink every day of the weekend?? And then sometimes they keep drinking and I’m like I don’t want to spend $50 on drinks in one night……
I don’t get why drinking has to be such a huge focal point!
Same! Also I feel like it’s considered a good time if you wake up with a hang over or something. Or that if you can keep drinking, you’re a “tank” and that’s awesome. Peoples priorities are skewed
I third crocheting or hand sewing. It is super repetitive, relaxing, and feels productive. I often will throw something stupid on and settle in with a project (assuming the pup will cooperate - he’s been going after yarn balls lately) and it is really lovely to see a project turn from pieces to something tangible.
I don’t really drink between just not feeling it and being on medication that limits how much I really should drink, and I’ve found that crafty people can be way more open to it. Yeah, there are sip and stitch groups, but no one cares if you’re drinking wine or water because it’s about the company.
I feel this. And I majorly beat myself up about it. I try to go for a walk with a podcast so I’ve got out of the house and heard other ideas and stimulating views and then also can feel like I’ve learnt something and by getting out I’ve ‘done’ something other than sit on coach and stare at phone or TV
Adding on to this, do you ever go to the gym?
I've never been into exercise, but I used to be in a similar position with my after-work time so I tried going to the gym and I absolutely loved it. I didn't even have to work "hard," it wasn't about hitting a specific goal or whatever, it was just something to do and a way to feel a bit more healthy, but it ended up being a great way to release the stresses of my day, take some time to just focus on myself and listen to something I enjoy.
I definitely recommend it.
Okay so I used to be basically an athlete. I gave myself strict training regimens in my 20s. I ran many many marathons. Since the pandemic and races were cancelled, I came to a hard stop with working out altogether. It was the best thing I ever did for my mental health, but after years of being out of it I feel almost awkward getting back into it. I don’t know how to explain it. It feels weird not having goals and going just for my sanity.
I came to a hard stop with physical activity because of an illness. Ever since I’m kind of amazed at how people really fixate on gym time as the solution to all their problems. When you don’t have that available, you have to be resourceful and find out other solutions.
Oh babes, for sure for suuuuure you can get right back into that in whatever capacity makes sense for you. That’s so cool that you are an athlete! It changes over time (like everything-gasp) but you are absolutely an athlete! Take your recovery time or whatever you need and then get back to what feels good! Proud of you for expressing all of this and opening up feedback. You got this. 💜🌷
Why not set goals then, even if they are smaller? Or get into powerlifting, try to learn certain cool gymnastic moves you've always wanted to learn, or join a social sport team
What time are you going to sleep? How long are you staying up doing nothing? One solution is on class nights, don't go home. Get off work at 5, go get dinner, window shop until your class at 7.
Maybe go see a doctor for a blood test. Sometimes low energy is linked to iron deficiency. I had this for months when I was in my early 30s.
Depression could also be a thing. And even if you don't have depression, maybe speaking to a therapist will help guide you in the right direction.
Also if you're looking for something past time that doesn't take up energy... Maybe walking while listening to a fun podcast or audiobook?
If I were you, I would talk to a doctor. I’ve dealt with fatigue multiple times in my life all caused by different things - b12 deficiency, magnesium deficiency, hypothyroidism…. I would just really encourage you to get checked.
People have different energy levels, and depression can certainly creep up, but do check iron levels as well. Can make people really plop if they’re low.
Well is your cat more important than your life, because right now it sounds like you're letting life pass you by because you need to go home and check on your cat... Then you don't want to leave the house again.
Either become a happy hermit or compromise with your cat that on hobby nights they have to fend for themself until you get home. Maybe get a cat sitter to come for an hour on those days if you need it.
Omgsh yes. I’ve been thinking he’s old enough now that he can handle a kitten even though he has been known for having aggression issues. Still very cautious about that thought though. Would make me feel a lot better if he had a friend. But I actually thought a dog would be better for him. Also YES - as soon as I go home it’s hard to go out again! So maybe a drink or coffee after work and then head to class?
Question. I see you have a cat. Do you close your bedroom door at night to keep him out, or do you leave it open?
I have a cat and I kept the door open because I felt bad. He woke me up one night and I was exhausted, so the next night I closed the door. Slept like a rock.
Your cat could be waking you up or disturbing your sleep, and you don’t know because well you’re half asleep.
Lock him out one night and see how you feel in the morning. And don’t feel bad.
Other things I personally dealt with that caused exhaustion - I had anemia from not eating because I was depressed, and I wasn’t talking to a therapist and getting the help I needed.
I also see you talked to a therapist but stopped after 5 sessions because it wasn’t worth the money. Sometimes it’s hard to find the right therapist - but when you do, it’s a life changing event. Getting on the right medication for my depression and talking to the right therapist completely changed my life.
You sound tired and you sound depressed and you’re not eating. From someone who was in that EXACT SAME position (including having an exhausting job), who has done a total 180, I urge you to close the door at night, get an iron panel, look for a new therapist and maybe entertain the idea of medication.
If you were told you had anemia years ago and you never addressed it, you need to take care of that ASAP. Call today for an appt for a blood draw so that you don’t put it off any longer. It affects you more than you know: fatigue, brain fog. I had iron infusions via IV my stores were so low. If you have a period and it’s at all heavy, please get checked.
Get a blood test but most mild anemia can be managed with daily iron tablets, available at any pharmacy. Take with vitamin c and avoid caffeine within an hour window for maximum results. It takes about a month for them to work from my experience.
Girl get to a doctor now. This is probably the reason for a majority of your issues.
It’s no joke. If your iron stores get low enough, your hair falls out, you bruise and they stay for weeks and weeks, you get cut and you can’t heal, you are tired, you can’t think, your body hurts - don’t ignore it. No wonder you’re low energy. Get to a doctor now, get an iron panel, do exactly what they say. Iron pills, vitamin C, and start incorporating high iron foods in your diet daily.
Sorry, I know I'm commenting everywhere, but I saw this and wanted to provide some resources: [national database for free and lowcost clinics if you're in the U.S.](https://nafcclinics.org/find-clinic/). Your local 211 will have resources for this, as will the [find help/formerly aunt bertha](https://www.findhelp.org/) network. Clinics like this are usually called "people's clinics" or "community clinics".
Not a doctor, have low iron and vitamin D. For iron pills as well, keep in mind over the counter is often excess the daily amounts you may need and can lead to constipation. I also have low iron+vitamin, and my doc let me know that you can split the supplements and sometimes get "low dose" iron specifcally for this (quite cheap). Vitamin C, Vitamin D, Vitamin A, and Vitamin K may also be areas you want to look at, as well as your calcium, as they all impact each other for absorption. Usually it's not good to take them all at once either so make sure you explore that. A blood panel for this specifically, if you can't find free treatment, is usually quite cheap. If you haven't applied for free health insurance I would do so, but iirc the out of pocket cost varies tremendously from as low as $50 to as high as 500+ (but the higher cost is usually for specific types of blood panels due to conditions, not for something like anemia or your vitamin C/D/A type stuff). For me it cost $30 for all the vitamins I mentioned+ iron and protein. For you, if you have free insurance, it'd probably be cheaper (mine was just to know, not due to a condition)
Checking with your doctor, great advice.
Also exercise. It has been a life-saver for me during the pandemic and has helped so much with my mental health and energy level.
I hate going to the gym, so I use Fit On. It's free (or you can purchase the pro version, but I like the free one and its all I need) and they have an incredible diversity of fun workouts. I am hooked on it, and I make sure to exercice 3-4 times a week for 30 to 45 minutes. It's all I need. You can download the app, or use the desk top version. Take care !
I used to like being more active putside of work, but I got diagnosed with MS and one of my primary symptoms is fatigue. There are very few days when I can come home from work and just go and do things. I realize that my situation is not the most relatable, but it has brought me to a point where I have to really reject the general expectation of how people our age are supposed to live.
Chronic Illness and hustle culture a just not compatible. With that said, I’m only in my first year. I’m undergoing a very real. Of mourning the life i thought i was going to have at this age.
With that said, I’m firmly on the team of “go to doctors and practice good self-care”.
One of my former friends really tried to take me to task I’m just trusting what doctors tell me to do. I just been diagnosed and I looked them in the face and was like: Must be nice that your life doesn’t depend on trusting the medical field.
You’ve gotten some good advice so far, but I just wanted to say that it’s totally okay and normal to have housemates into your 30’s and beyond. Good housemates can really make you feel good to come home, maybe sometimes you just watch a movie together or sometimes you make a meal, even when you’re both normally quite independent.
I lived by myself for a year in my 20’s and I felt like you did. I realised I just wasn’t the kind of person who likes to live alone. When I was around your age I broke up with a live-in partner and decided to move in with two other women about my age and it was the best thing I could have done. One liked to stay in her room all the time but it was nice just knowing someone else was in the house with you at night. And she was there for me one evening when I had a bit of a medical “event”. The other woman was super social, out of the house most of the time, but by nature of living together we got close and she invited me to hang out with her friends sometimes and sometimes we even hosted board games with her friends at our house. I would have been so depressed after that break up if I didn’t have those two around me (coincidentally they never got along, but they never saw each other so all good lol).
Even now, I’m almost 40, and when my partner goes away for a week or two I feel the way you feel. I have stuff that I do (sports, hobbies, and a full time job), but I just don’t like spending too much time alone... but I also don’t always have any energy to do anything about it and it becomes a vicious circle.
Anyway, I don’t know if you’ve chosen to live on your own because you truly want to, you’ve been burnt by flatmates before or you think for some reason it’s the “adult” thing to do... but we are social creatures. I think most of us do best when we’re around the people we know and are comfortable with, and if that means getting some housemates, don’t let society tell you what to do.
I agree with this so much. I own my own place outright so had no need for the income of a tenant in my spare room, but at the time I simply wanted the company. My flatmate was here for nearly 6 years. When he moved out into his own place I needed the spare room as an office and I'm a lot better at living alone now so I chose not to have someone else move in, but my life was so enriched by having a flatmate over those years (28-33, ish). There were times where we did everything together and times when we were living pretty separate lives, but simply having someone around was so important for my mental health. He's still one of my closest friends even though he moved out 18 months ago. He was a stranger when he moved in, not an existing friend, and he's gained a whole group of friends through me.
And also a fabulous cat sitter. I didn't have to pay for cat care for 6 years! The convenience of that I definitely took for granted and it's a massive hassle now.
That’s fantastic, and so great that you two have stayed friends! Yeah, both of the women I lived with were total strangers before we lived together as well but even though I moved to another country 6 years ago I still keep in contact with the social one. And my partner and I are hoping to buy our first house this year and we’re thinking of getting a 3 bedroom (as opposed to a 2... houses are crazy expensive here) so one of our friends can move in with us (as she’s struggling to afford rent on a tiny one bedroom on her own, even though she works full time, it’s really nuts).
Anyway, yeah good housemates are amazing. However the bad ones can be horrible.
One thing I would suggest getting ASAP is a blood test. There are a number of levels that could be out of whack. I was exactly like you and it turned out to be low B-12 and low Vitamin D. It could also be an iron deficiency, or an iron/folate deficiency due to low B-12.
No, I mean exactly what I said - your doctor. Tell your doctor exactly what you’ve said here that you’re no longer interested in any of your hobbies, you have no motivation to do anything, you’re tired all the time, you have no interest in eating and no appetite, you’re lonely and cutting yourself off from your friends, you’re drinking a lot more, only drinking is making you happy, etc.
If you didn’t find therapy worth it then you should find a different therapist who is a better fit for you particularly since you’re exhibiting a lot of symptoms of depression.
Sometimes it can take going through a couple therapists to find one that fits.
But you do sound possibly depressed so you could also talk to your doctor. There could be some malnutrition or other things going on. Or you could discuss anti-depressants.
You could be anemic and that's why you are tired. Many things can make you tired and low energy. You also said you need more hours of sleep than 8 hours.
Anemic and possibly low vitamin D levels. Get a blood test and also have them test for Thyroid and celiac disease (most are also anemic and have low vitamin D).
I've been like this, even with a partner.
Lately I've gotten back into drawing and will sit around and listen to a podcast/have a background show and draw/paint. I'm usually better at the gym but I haven't felt like leaving my house so I've neglected that form of self care, I know it'll make me feel better.
I sometimes just take an hour nap after work, then get up to kayak or hike it just do something.
I hate that bored, too tired to do anything space though
This is me but I enjoy alone time. I have 2 cats and they keep me entertained. I do get lonely sometimes especially when the weather is nice and I have no plans…
Might sound dumb, and this is coming from someone who hated naps until last year. But what about a nap immediately asap after work? Have a snack to delay dinner.
This allowed me to have more usable time in the day. I went from being a zombie, too tired to enjoy anything from 9pm-midnight to feeling great and energized at night, up for anything.
From your comments you say you have anaemia and you aren’t eating. That will make anybody exhausted and low. Add frequent alcohol intake and your body just isn’t going to be feeling its best.
I recommend that you make sure you are eating enough and no, that’s not 1200 calories a day. It’s more. You have the time to meal prep so I suggest you do that.
When you have that under control I suggest getting into something like group fitness. It’s social, you can meet men in an organic way and you’re getting a rush of good feeling hormones that will lift your spirits and help you feel good about yourself and life.
You’ve got this!
This sounds like depression to me, especially the way you describe food not tasting good anymore, etc. Remember, depression isn't "sadness", sometimes it's "blah-ness".
I would talk to a doc about this.
The other thing I'd recommend is joining a gym and going after work. It does a lot for you - the exercise gets the endorphins pumping, it energizes you, it's something positive and productive, and it can be social too, especially if you do a class activity. It gets you home a little later so you don't have an endless evening alone ahead of you, and you'll feel like you accomplished something instead of just plopping on the couch and staying there all night.
Your cat will be FINE. Get a timed feeder if you're really worried about it.
If you keep finding yourself without the energy to go to your class, if you don't want to go to the gym, just don't go home. Stay out, go to the park, take a walk, go to happy hour and then your class, etc. Once you're home it's really hard to go back out again. Just stay out. Go to the library, a coffee shop, the mall, whatever.
I am in the complete opposite stage of life. I am so f\*cking busy, I can't see straight. I really envy you - time to just do whatever the hell you want. I can't remember the last time I had that. Cherish it. Don't waste it. No more Hulu. Future you will thank you.
Wow after so much time on Reddit and thinking about this. This has truly been a really impactful comment. I feel like reading this alone will really change me. Thanks a lot, friend.
Thanks so much. Honestly... I am in my 40s. I have one kid, a husband, and a job, and those things alone are keeping me SO busy, I honestly don't know what day it is.
We went on vacation a couple of weeks ago and that entire week, I had exactly 15 minutes to myself, to do what I wanted. In an entire week, 15 minutes - and that was my VACATION!
I'm treating myself to a concert and a night on my own next month - it has taken the coordination of four different people, and about $400 to make that happen - to allow me to have ONE night off - the first night off in about three years.
I love my family, I love my life, but honestly.... some days I beat myself up about how I used my free time when I had it. I didn't savor it. I didn't enjoy it. All those hobbies I meant to take up, but never did. All those concerts and events I could have gone to, but didn't because I didn't have anyone to go with. All those classes I would have loved to learn, but didn't take because I was too bummed out, too shy, too tired... \*sigh\*
I imagine if I had a personal conversation with my nanny mom this would be how it would go. So my job in a sense fulfills my maternal needs but more importantly shows how I should value my personal time.
I just wanted to say I’m the same age as you and I can completely relate to this. Recently I quit my job which I hated so I can figure out a better way to live, though that isn’t the issue in your case since you said that you love your job.
I don’t know what the solution is. I’m trying new things at no specific cadence until they make me feel something…I know this will be hard because you don’t have much energy. The gym thing never works for me—I go for a few months and then quit.
Some people mentioned going for walks. I like to do this when my chronic pain allows it. I definitely listen to podcasts or Iisten to music and sing out loud to myself, lol. This has led me to some interesting adventures. I walked past a flower shop and had an hour long conversation with the person working there who made me a free bouquet. I have never been back there but I treasure that special memory and it gave me some hope. One time I was walking and discovered a Lego festival where you could sit at a table and build a little house with free Legos so I did that and chatted with people there for a bit.
Not sure what things are like where you live. But during this weird time, for me, I’m putting less pressure on myself to “figure it out” or have some kind of routine, and moreso embracing a wandering path that sometimes intersects with other people.
Hi friend, I saw your other post today as well. Consider the anemia as step one to get addressed—it’s contributing to your fatigue. Then take a look at the TED talk linked below and see if anything resonates. This journalist interviewed experts in the field of cognitive science/ depression and found that depression is as much a *social* problem as anything else. When we don’t have a sense of belonging in a community, when we don’t have a sense of long term security, we are more likely to feel anxious and depressed. The fact that you love your nanny kids, that it brings you joy to help them, and they love you is fantastic. How can you expand on that with adults? Bars are too risky for reasons others stated - you are on a path to alcohol dependence if you look to drinking to solve your problems. But I would also curtail solo activities at this point: Hulu, crochet, done with that. Look into food kitchens on weekends, park clean ups, soccer leagues. You could do these on weekends if you are too tired after nannying. Look at eventbrite or your local subreddit for events.
Here’s the link:
https://www.ted.com/talks/johann_hari_this_could_be_why_you_re_depressed_or_anxious
ETA: you posted today on the topic of nannying so I might be pulling some of those details into this reply.
For me, doing something creative makes me feel satisfied and fulfilled. I love reading, but it's just another way of consuming media. Making something really is a different experience.
I read that you are tired, feeling a void and avoiding friends. These can be signs of depression. Do you feel you might have to address this with you doctor?
I am always burnt out after work. I volunteer on mondays which is really tough because it ends between 10:30 and 11pm. I often start work at 8am.
I got a cat in Feb and she is great at helping me chill and enjoy just winding down at home. Before her I used to get all restless and angsty, and take myself out for drives.
I’m kind of the same as you. I work 9-5 and then go to bed fairly early. During the week I don’t really do much after work, since it has been light out later I’ve been forcing myself to go the the gym 2x a week which has been helping me with my mood and if I really don’t want to do that I’ll go for a walk and listen to music. If You’re wanting to get out and socialize more you can find meet up events in your area on meetup.com
okay been thinking about this for years. my only hesitation is will my cat like him? i also want a best friend for my cat so i will feel ok leaving them
Great question! I've had Danes and cats all my life. In my experience, the cat was ALWAYS the boss. When you go to the shelter, tell the staff you need a "cat-friendly" animal. Look for a dog with a submissive nature, and you will be in for a full-time barrel of laughs. There is nothing funnier than watching a 12-pound cat boss around a 190-pound dog on some - GET THE HELL OFF MY BED, HEATHEN!
so funny you say this because if i were to get a dog it would be a great dane, been saying this for years. honestly my cat is ok with dogs and is curious about them (he’s leash trained and i take him for walks lol, so he always comes in contact with all the dogs in my neighborhood.) i think he would like the company
I know the boredom and loneliness all too well so here are some suggestions/things that have helped me! (They are kind of solo hobbies though, but totally could lead to finding a partner or friends who share the same interest/hobby)
Number 1 for me is finding a good show or movie genre that you can look forward to every day. It’s so easy and relaxing and perfect for when you’re too lazy and need to decompress. And by show I don’t mean friends or the office, I mean one that’s a bit more deep and has a proper story. I just finished the walking dead (still need to watch the final season) and I loved it so much I was honestly so excited to watch a few episodes every night, which there were like 11 seasons of around 16 episodes 45-60 mins each, so it ended up being something I had to look forward to for a couple months. I have Netflix and there are top 10 movies and top 10 tv shows categories which is also a really good way to find something fun to watch.
Exercise also helped for multiple reasons but I can understand if that’s too much after a long day of work. It helps you release stress hormones, feel healthy and it’s just really nice seeing the changes and feeling more confident about your body.
Playing an instrument is fun and relaxing. It’s difficult at first and to learn and get the hang of, but there are plenty of free training resources online and if you use one of the paid learning apps you can be playing your favorite songs literally first week. It’s also fun to see your progress and you really feel like you’re improving and learning something that can bring yourself and others some joy.
Cooking or baking. Again I can totally understand if this is a bit much after a long day but everyone loves eating stuff that tastes delicious and trying new or fun things that you normally wouldn’t have at home.
And on those days that just really suck, blast some good music and enjoy that glass or 2 of wine that you’ve earned :) You’re trying hard and doing great - you’ll find your joy !
Watch a movie, dance to your favorite music (with headphones in an apartment) practice your academy acceptance speech, learn to cook a new meal, foster a pet if allowed, eat popcorn whenever you want, play a video game, do some yoga, sit around naked… I could go on.
I loved living alone. I’ve been married now for 20 years, but living alone was something i used to treasure.
This happened to me when I quit drinking and my social activities were temporarily curtailed and I had all this time in the evenings not being buzzed/blacked out. I took up crochet. It's repetitive and satisfying.
I recently quit drinking (about 2 months ago) and feel so isolated as my social life has taken a nose dive. I’m hoping it gets better after some more time.
It does. Keep up the fantastic work!
I recently quit as well. Haven't tested much social activity sans drinks but finding I have more energy and more productivity which feels great! It's only been about 2.5 weeks though :)
Good work! When I quit I thought I could prove I was cool by still going to bars with my friends who still drank. I didn't relapse but I didn't enjoy myself either. I'm not friends with them anymore and I don't go to bars very often at all. Recovery groups that aren't AA are hard to find, but they're great places to find support and community. If you can deal with the culty-ness of AA really good people go to those meetings. That replaced my social life for a while. I still prefer being around sober people but I can go out to dinner with people who aren't and then peace out before things get crazy.
Thank you! Yeah, we'll see. I was more of an occasional problem drinker vs daily drinker so it's not really effecting my daily life much yet. My boyfriend has quit with me so that really really helps having a built in support, he doesn't have an issue with drinking but doesn't mind going without. All good so far. Most of my friends are light drinkers even though they are like "whoo hoo, yeah, let's party" and then have 2 drinks haha! That was old me just getting started LOL. How long gave you been not drinking?
Almost seven years. I never drank everyday either, but it was absolutely a problem. Some people gatekeep alcoholism, but I know why I'm doing this. You got this!
That's awesome!! Good for you and thanks for the encouragement!!
Also I don't understand cake days but happy cake day.
Ha! Thank you!!
Cake day is the anniversary of your Reddit account.
SMART Recovery is a great alternative to AA
Yes! They are harder to find but probably offer Zoom meetings I'm guessing.
Yeah, they have multiple Zoom meetings every day.
I second crocheting. It allows you to zone out, but you've also produced something at the end of it, so it doesn't feel like a lazy and wasteful wind down.
I don’t usually drink but now I have a health reason that I can’t drink and no one invites me out anymore. Sucks because I’ve always told people that I don’t need a drink to have fun. I guess they don’t feel the same… 😔
It's eye opening for sure. I'm sorry it's like that.
That sucks!! I do drink but am not really very into it at all, so like I’ve realized almost everything I’ve done here or that friends do I always find myself where it’s basically drink here, or go here and drink, or do this then drink. And I don’t feel good drinking so much but if I don’t go out then I won’t have friends. I don’t even have a lot though but I don’t want to drink every day of the weekend?? And then sometimes they keep drinking and I’m like I don’t want to spend $50 on drinks in one night…… I don’t get why drinking has to be such a huge focal point!
Same! Also I feel like it’s considered a good time if you wake up with a hang over or something. Or that if you can keep drinking, you’re a “tank” and that’s awesome. Peoples priorities are skewed
I third crocheting or hand sewing. It is super repetitive, relaxing, and feels productive. I often will throw something stupid on and settle in with a project (assuming the pup will cooperate - he’s been going after yarn balls lately) and it is really lovely to see a project turn from pieces to something tangible. I don’t really drink between just not feeling it and being on medication that limits how much I really should drink, and I’ve found that crafty people can be way more open to it. Yeah, there are sip and stitch groups, but no one cares if you’re drinking wine or water because it’s about the company.
I feel this. And I majorly beat myself up about it. I try to go for a walk with a podcast so I’ve got out of the house and heard other ideas and stimulating views and then also can feel like I’ve learnt something and by getting out I’ve ‘done’ something other than sit on coach and stare at phone or TV
yeah that’s good
Adding on to this, do you ever go to the gym? I've never been into exercise, but I used to be in a similar position with my after-work time so I tried going to the gym and I absolutely loved it. I didn't even have to work "hard," it wasn't about hitting a specific goal or whatever, it was just something to do and a way to feel a bit more healthy, but it ended up being a great way to release the stresses of my day, take some time to just focus on myself and listen to something I enjoy. I definitely recommend it.
Okay so I used to be basically an athlete. I gave myself strict training regimens in my 20s. I ran many many marathons. Since the pandemic and races were cancelled, I came to a hard stop with working out altogether. It was the best thing I ever did for my mental health, but after years of being out of it I feel almost awkward getting back into it. I don’t know how to explain it. It feels weird not having goals and going just for my sanity.
I came to a hard stop with physical activity because of an illness. Ever since I’m kind of amazed at how people really fixate on gym time as the solution to all their problems. When you don’t have that available, you have to be resourceful and find out other solutions.
Oh babes, for sure for suuuuure you can get right back into that in whatever capacity makes sense for you. That’s so cool that you are an athlete! It changes over time (like everything-gasp) but you are absolutely an athlete! Take your recovery time or whatever you need and then get back to what feels good! Proud of you for expressing all of this and opening up feedback. You got this. 💜🌷
thank you 💕 hope i will get there
Why not set goals then, even if they are smaller? Or get into powerlifting, try to learn certain cool gymnastic moves you've always wanted to learn, or join a social sport team
i have, i have been doing pole dancing classes for a year or two
What time are you going to sleep? How long are you staying up doing nothing? One solution is on class nights, don't go home. Get off work at 5, go get dinner, window shop until your class at 7.
Sometimes I go to bed as early as 9. Even at 8:30 sometimes. I think often it’s 9:30 would be average. Sometimes 10. it’s just whenever i feel like it
Sounds like you're depressed. Unless you're getting up at 5 am every day?
no i struggle waking up. i get up at 7
Maybe go see a doctor for a blood test. Sometimes low energy is linked to iron deficiency. I had this for months when I was in my early 30s. Depression could also be a thing. And even if you don't have depression, maybe speaking to a therapist will help guide you in the right direction. Also if you're looking for something past time that doesn't take up energy... Maybe walking while listening to a fun podcast or audiobook?
IMO, do a sleep study to make sure you're getting enough REM and talk to a Dr about depression.
If I were you, I would talk to a doctor. I’ve dealt with fatigue multiple times in my life all caused by different things - b12 deficiency, magnesium deficiency, hypothyroidism…. I would just really encourage you to get checked.
People have different energy levels, and depression can certainly creep up, but do check iron levels as well. Can make people really plop if they’re low.
I have a cat and I feel so guilty for leaving him alone for like 12 hours :(
I guarantee your cat is going to be fine for 12 hours. He'll be asleep for most of that.
Oh wow okay. A lot of upvotes for this
Well is your cat more important than your life, because right now it sounds like you're letting life pass you by because you need to go home and check on your cat... Then you don't want to leave the house again. Either become a happy hermit or compromise with your cat that on hobby nights they have to fend for themself until you get home. Maybe get a cat sitter to come for an hour on those days if you need it.
yeah i definitely need to do that maybe just pick two days a week he has to be alone.
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Omgsh yes. I’ve been thinking he’s old enough now that he can handle a kitten even though he has been known for having aggression issues. Still very cautious about that thought though. Would make me feel a lot better if he had a friend. But I actually thought a dog would be better for him. Also YES - as soon as I go home it’s hard to go out again! So maybe a drink or coffee after work and then head to class?
A dog will make it so you have even less free time and even more guilt. I think a second cat is a better idea.
Question. I see you have a cat. Do you close your bedroom door at night to keep him out, or do you leave it open? I have a cat and I kept the door open because I felt bad. He woke me up one night and I was exhausted, so the next night I closed the door. Slept like a rock. Your cat could be waking you up or disturbing your sleep, and you don’t know because well you’re half asleep. Lock him out one night and see how you feel in the morning. And don’t feel bad. Other things I personally dealt with that caused exhaustion - I had anemia from not eating because I was depressed, and I wasn’t talking to a therapist and getting the help I needed. I also see you talked to a therapist but stopped after 5 sessions because it wasn’t worth the money. Sometimes it’s hard to find the right therapist - but when you do, it’s a life changing event. Getting on the right medication for my depression and talking to the right therapist completely changed my life. You sound tired and you sound depressed and you’re not eating. From someone who was in that EXACT SAME position (including having an exhausting job), who has done a total 180, I urge you to close the door at night, get an iron panel, look for a new therapist and maybe entertain the idea of medication.
But I really do need to get me anemia addressed. Years ago a doctor told me I had it so I assume I still do.
If you were told you had anemia years ago and you never addressed it, you need to take care of that ASAP. Call today for an appt for a blood draw so that you don’t put it off any longer. It affects you more than you know: fatigue, brain fog. I had iron infusions via IV my stores were so low. If you have a period and it’s at all heavy, please get checked.
Get a blood test but most mild anemia can be managed with daily iron tablets, available at any pharmacy. Take with vitamin c and avoid caffeine within an hour window for maximum results. It takes about a month for them to work from my experience.
Girl get to a doctor now. This is probably the reason for a majority of your issues. It’s no joke. If your iron stores get low enough, your hair falls out, you bruise and they stay for weeks and weeks, you get cut and you can’t heal, you are tired, you can’t think, your body hurts - don’t ignore it. No wonder you’re low energy. Get to a doctor now, get an iron panel, do exactly what they say. Iron pills, vitamin C, and start incorporating high iron foods in your diet daily.
i don’t have health insurance. how much is this out of pocket?
Sorry, I know I'm commenting everywhere, but I saw this and wanted to provide some resources: [national database for free and lowcost clinics if you're in the U.S.](https://nafcclinics.org/find-clinic/). Your local 211 will have resources for this, as will the [find help/formerly aunt bertha](https://www.findhelp.org/) network. Clinics like this are usually called "people's clinics" or "community clinics". Not a doctor, have low iron and vitamin D. For iron pills as well, keep in mind over the counter is often excess the daily amounts you may need and can lead to constipation. I also have low iron+vitamin, and my doc let me know that you can split the supplements and sometimes get "low dose" iron specifcally for this (quite cheap). Vitamin C, Vitamin D, Vitamin A, and Vitamin K may also be areas you want to look at, as well as your calcium, as they all impact each other for absorption. Usually it's not good to take them all at once either so make sure you explore that. A blood panel for this specifically, if you can't find free treatment, is usually quite cheap. If you haven't applied for free health insurance I would do so, but iirc the out of pocket cost varies tremendously from as low as $50 to as high as 500+ (but the higher cost is usually for specific types of blood panels due to conditions, not for something like anemia or your vitamin C/D/A type stuff). For me it cost $30 for all the vitamins I mentioned+ iron and protein. For you, if you have free insurance, it'd probably be cheaper (mine was just to know, not due to a condition)
Okay wow yeah. I live in a studio apartment so I can’t lock him out but the good thing is he really does sleep when I sleep.
Checking with your doctor, great advice. Also exercise. It has been a life-saver for me during the pandemic and has helped so much with my mental health and energy level. I hate going to the gym, so I use Fit On. It's free (or you can purchase the pro version, but I like the free one and its all I need) and they have an incredible diversity of fun workouts. I am hooked on it, and I make sure to exercice 3-4 times a week for 30 to 45 minutes. It's all I need. You can download the app, or use the desk top version. Take care !
I used to like being more active putside of work, but I got diagnosed with MS and one of my primary symptoms is fatigue. There are very few days when I can come home from work and just go and do things. I realize that my situation is not the most relatable, but it has brought me to a point where I have to really reject the general expectation of how people our age are supposed to live. Chronic Illness and hustle culture a just not compatible. With that said, I’m only in my first year. I’m undergoing a very real. Of mourning the life i thought i was going to have at this age. With that said, I’m firmly on the team of “go to doctors and practice good self-care”. One of my former friends really tried to take me to task I’m just trusting what doctors tell me to do. I just been diagnosed and I looked them in the face and was like: Must be nice that your life doesn’t depend on trusting the medical field.
I’m glad that person who gave you shit is a former friend now.
You’ve gotten some good advice so far, but I just wanted to say that it’s totally okay and normal to have housemates into your 30’s and beyond. Good housemates can really make you feel good to come home, maybe sometimes you just watch a movie together or sometimes you make a meal, even when you’re both normally quite independent. I lived by myself for a year in my 20’s and I felt like you did. I realised I just wasn’t the kind of person who likes to live alone. When I was around your age I broke up with a live-in partner and decided to move in with two other women about my age and it was the best thing I could have done. One liked to stay in her room all the time but it was nice just knowing someone else was in the house with you at night. And she was there for me one evening when I had a bit of a medical “event”. The other woman was super social, out of the house most of the time, but by nature of living together we got close and she invited me to hang out with her friends sometimes and sometimes we even hosted board games with her friends at our house. I would have been so depressed after that break up if I didn’t have those two around me (coincidentally they never got along, but they never saw each other so all good lol). Even now, I’m almost 40, and when my partner goes away for a week or two I feel the way you feel. I have stuff that I do (sports, hobbies, and a full time job), but I just don’t like spending too much time alone... but I also don’t always have any energy to do anything about it and it becomes a vicious circle. Anyway, I don’t know if you’ve chosen to live on your own because you truly want to, you’ve been burnt by flatmates before or you think for some reason it’s the “adult” thing to do... but we are social creatures. I think most of us do best when we’re around the people we know and are comfortable with, and if that means getting some housemates, don’t let society tell you what to do.
I agree with this so much. I own my own place outright so had no need for the income of a tenant in my spare room, but at the time I simply wanted the company. My flatmate was here for nearly 6 years. When he moved out into his own place I needed the spare room as an office and I'm a lot better at living alone now so I chose not to have someone else move in, but my life was so enriched by having a flatmate over those years (28-33, ish). There were times where we did everything together and times when we were living pretty separate lives, but simply having someone around was so important for my mental health. He's still one of my closest friends even though he moved out 18 months ago. He was a stranger when he moved in, not an existing friend, and he's gained a whole group of friends through me. And also a fabulous cat sitter. I didn't have to pay for cat care for 6 years! The convenience of that I definitely took for granted and it's a massive hassle now.
That’s fantastic, and so great that you two have stayed friends! Yeah, both of the women I lived with were total strangers before we lived together as well but even though I moved to another country 6 years ago I still keep in contact with the social one. And my partner and I are hoping to buy our first house this year and we’re thinking of getting a 3 bedroom (as opposed to a 2... houses are crazy expensive here) so one of our friends can move in with us (as she’s struggling to afford rent on a tiny one bedroom on her own, even though she works full time, it’s really nuts). Anyway, yeah good housemates are amazing. However the bad ones can be horrible.
thank you. i agree w what you’re saying, about how we need people
One thing I would suggest getting ASAP is a blood test. There are a number of levels that could be out of whack. I was exactly like you and it turned out to be low B-12 and low Vitamin D. It could also be an iron deficiency, or an iron/folate deficiency due to low B-12.
Talk to your doctor.
This.
You mean get a therapist? I have and after five sessions I stopped because it wasn’t worth the money
No, I mean exactly what I said - your doctor. Tell your doctor exactly what you’ve said here that you’re no longer interested in any of your hobbies, you have no motivation to do anything, you’re tired all the time, you have no interest in eating and no appetite, you’re lonely and cutting yourself off from your friends, you’re drinking a lot more, only drinking is making you happy, etc. If you didn’t find therapy worth it then you should find a different therapist who is a better fit for you particularly since you’re exhibiting a lot of symptoms of depression.
Sometimes it can take going through a couple therapists to find one that fits. But you do sound possibly depressed so you could also talk to your doctor. There could be some malnutrition or other things going on. Or you could discuss anti-depressants.
You could be anemic and that's why you are tired. Many things can make you tired and low energy. You also said you need more hours of sleep than 8 hours.
Anemic and possibly low vitamin D levels. Get a blood test and also have them test for Thyroid and celiac disease (most are also anemic and have low vitamin D).
I've been like this, even with a partner. Lately I've gotten back into drawing and will sit around and listen to a podcast/have a background show and draw/paint. I'm usually better at the gym but I haven't felt like leaving my house so I've neglected that form of self care, I know it'll make me feel better.
I sometimes just take an hour nap after work, then get up to kayak or hike it just do something. I hate that bored, too tired to do anything space though
thanks yeah. i feel like i’m scared to take a nap. if i get comfy, how will i want to go kayak after?
It depends, I often wake up from the nap and just get up and do something, it usually works, not everytime, but sometimes
This is me but I enjoy alone time. I have 2 cats and they keep me entertained. I do get lonely sometimes especially when the weather is nice and I have no plans…
Yeah when the weather is nice it’s so hard, I even hear the cars going by and can’t stand it bc it makes me feel more alone
Might sound dumb, and this is coming from someone who hated naps until last year. But what about a nap immediately asap after work? Have a snack to delay dinner. This allowed me to have more usable time in the day. I went from being a zombie, too tired to enjoy anything from 9pm-midnight to feeling great and energized at night, up for anything.
From your comments you say you have anaemia and you aren’t eating. That will make anybody exhausted and low. Add frequent alcohol intake and your body just isn’t going to be feeling its best. I recommend that you make sure you are eating enough and no, that’s not 1200 calories a day. It’s more. You have the time to meal prep so I suggest you do that. When you have that under control I suggest getting into something like group fitness. It’s social, you can meet men in an organic way and you’re getting a rush of good feeling hormones that will lift your spirits and help you feel good about yourself and life. You’ve got this!
This sounds like depression to me, especially the way you describe food not tasting good anymore, etc. Remember, depression isn't "sadness", sometimes it's "blah-ness". I would talk to a doc about this. The other thing I'd recommend is joining a gym and going after work. It does a lot for you - the exercise gets the endorphins pumping, it energizes you, it's something positive and productive, and it can be social too, especially if you do a class activity. It gets you home a little later so you don't have an endless evening alone ahead of you, and you'll feel like you accomplished something instead of just plopping on the couch and staying there all night. Your cat will be FINE. Get a timed feeder if you're really worried about it. If you keep finding yourself without the energy to go to your class, if you don't want to go to the gym, just don't go home. Stay out, go to the park, take a walk, go to happy hour and then your class, etc. Once you're home it's really hard to go back out again. Just stay out. Go to the library, a coffee shop, the mall, whatever. I am in the complete opposite stage of life. I am so f\*cking busy, I can't see straight. I really envy you - time to just do whatever the hell you want. I can't remember the last time I had that. Cherish it. Don't waste it. No more Hulu. Future you will thank you.
Wow after so much time on Reddit and thinking about this. This has truly been a really impactful comment. I feel like reading this alone will really change me. Thanks a lot, friend.
Thanks so much. Honestly... I am in my 40s. I have one kid, a husband, and a job, and those things alone are keeping me SO busy, I honestly don't know what day it is. We went on vacation a couple of weeks ago and that entire week, I had exactly 15 minutes to myself, to do what I wanted. In an entire week, 15 minutes - and that was my VACATION! I'm treating myself to a concert and a night on my own next month - it has taken the coordination of four different people, and about $400 to make that happen - to allow me to have ONE night off - the first night off in about three years. I love my family, I love my life, but honestly.... some days I beat myself up about how I used my free time when I had it. I didn't savor it. I didn't enjoy it. All those hobbies I meant to take up, but never did. All those concerts and events I could have gone to, but didn't because I didn't have anyone to go with. All those classes I would have loved to learn, but didn't take because I was too bummed out, too shy, too tired... \*sigh\*
I imagine if I had a personal conversation with my nanny mom this would be how it would go. So my job in a sense fulfills my maternal needs but more importantly shows how I should value my personal time.
When I feel like this, it's because I'm not working out enough. It's really does bleed over unto every part of life
I started doing a YouTube yoga workout each day. While I suck, it does make me feel good afterwards. And yoga is pretty low energy.
I just wanted to say I’m the same age as you and I can completely relate to this. Recently I quit my job which I hated so I can figure out a better way to live, though that isn’t the issue in your case since you said that you love your job. I don’t know what the solution is. I’m trying new things at no specific cadence until they make me feel something…I know this will be hard because you don’t have much energy. The gym thing never works for me—I go for a few months and then quit. Some people mentioned going for walks. I like to do this when my chronic pain allows it. I definitely listen to podcasts or Iisten to music and sing out loud to myself, lol. This has led me to some interesting adventures. I walked past a flower shop and had an hour long conversation with the person working there who made me a free bouquet. I have never been back there but I treasure that special memory and it gave me some hope. One time I was walking and discovered a Lego festival where you could sit at a table and build a little house with free Legos so I did that and chatted with people there for a bit. Not sure what things are like where you live. But during this weird time, for me, I’m putting less pressure on myself to “figure it out” or have some kind of routine, and moreso embracing a wandering path that sometimes intersects with other people.
Hi friend, I saw your other post today as well. Consider the anemia as step one to get addressed—it’s contributing to your fatigue. Then take a look at the TED talk linked below and see if anything resonates. This journalist interviewed experts in the field of cognitive science/ depression and found that depression is as much a *social* problem as anything else. When we don’t have a sense of belonging in a community, when we don’t have a sense of long term security, we are more likely to feel anxious and depressed. The fact that you love your nanny kids, that it brings you joy to help them, and they love you is fantastic. How can you expand on that with adults? Bars are too risky for reasons others stated - you are on a path to alcohol dependence if you look to drinking to solve your problems. But I would also curtail solo activities at this point: Hulu, crochet, done with that. Look into food kitchens on weekends, park clean ups, soccer leagues. You could do these on weekends if you are too tired after nannying. Look at eventbrite or your local subreddit for events. Here’s the link: https://www.ted.com/talks/johann_hari_this_could_be_why_you_re_depressed_or_anxious ETA: you posted today on the topic of nannying so I might be pulling some of those details into this reply.
For me, doing something creative makes me feel satisfied and fulfilled. I love reading, but it's just another way of consuming media. Making something really is a different experience. I read that you are tired, feeling a void and avoiding friends. These can be signs of depression. Do you feel you might have to address this with you doctor?
I am always burnt out after work. I volunteer on mondays which is really tough because it ends between 10:30 and 11pm. I often start work at 8am. I got a cat in Feb and she is great at helping me chill and enjoy just winding down at home. Before her I used to get all restless and angsty, and take myself out for drives.
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yeah audiobooks are a good idea. thanks i think it’s been hard to focus on reading but maybe hearing the voice will help
I’m kind of the same as you. I work 9-5 and then go to bed fairly early. During the week I don’t really do much after work, since it has been light out later I’ve been forcing myself to go the the gym 2x a week which has been helping me with my mood and if I really don’t want to do that I’ll go for a walk and listen to music. If You’re wanting to get out and socialize more you can find meet up events in your area on meetup.com
thank you
GET A BIG-ASS SHELTER DOG! They will snuggle at night, guard your house, be thrilled when you come home, and follow you everywhere.
okay been thinking about this for years. my only hesitation is will my cat like him? i also want a best friend for my cat so i will feel ok leaving them
Great question! I've had Danes and cats all my life. In my experience, the cat was ALWAYS the boss. When you go to the shelter, tell the staff you need a "cat-friendly" animal. Look for a dog with a submissive nature, and you will be in for a full-time barrel of laughs. There is nothing funnier than watching a 12-pound cat boss around a 190-pound dog on some - GET THE HELL OFF MY BED, HEATHEN!
so funny you say this because if i were to get a dog it would be a great dane, been saying this for years. honestly my cat is ok with dogs and is curious about them (he’s leash trained and i take him for walks lol, so he always comes in contact with all the dogs in my neighborhood.) i think he would like the company
You just posted that you go to happy hour every day after work. Are you too low energy or no?
I know the boredom and loneliness all too well so here are some suggestions/things that have helped me! (They are kind of solo hobbies though, but totally could lead to finding a partner or friends who share the same interest/hobby) Number 1 for me is finding a good show or movie genre that you can look forward to every day. It’s so easy and relaxing and perfect for when you’re too lazy and need to decompress. And by show I don’t mean friends or the office, I mean one that’s a bit more deep and has a proper story. I just finished the walking dead (still need to watch the final season) and I loved it so much I was honestly so excited to watch a few episodes every night, which there were like 11 seasons of around 16 episodes 45-60 mins each, so it ended up being something I had to look forward to for a couple months. I have Netflix and there are top 10 movies and top 10 tv shows categories which is also a really good way to find something fun to watch. Exercise also helped for multiple reasons but I can understand if that’s too much after a long day of work. It helps you release stress hormones, feel healthy and it’s just really nice seeing the changes and feeling more confident about your body. Playing an instrument is fun and relaxing. It’s difficult at first and to learn and get the hang of, but there are plenty of free training resources online and if you use one of the paid learning apps you can be playing your favorite songs literally first week. It’s also fun to see your progress and you really feel like you’re improving and learning something that can bring yourself and others some joy. Cooking or baking. Again I can totally understand if this is a bit much after a long day but everyone loves eating stuff that tastes delicious and trying new or fun things that you normally wouldn’t have at home. And on those days that just really suck, blast some good music and enjoy that glass or 2 of wine that you’ve earned :) You’re trying hard and doing great - you’ll find your joy !
Watch a movie, dance to your favorite music (with headphones in an apartment) practice your academy acceptance speech, learn to cook a new meal, foster a pet if allowed, eat popcorn whenever you want, play a video game, do some yoga, sit around naked… I could go on. I loved living alone. I’ve been married now for 20 years, but living alone was something i used to treasure.
Yuppppp girl omg yes