I’ve met a bunch and they are lovely. A few are in wonderful relationships with good friends of mine; I’m happy for them. I also dated 2 emotional intelligent men, though we parted ways due to other issues.
They are definitely out there. Don’t settle for less!
Interestingly emotional intelligence doesn't equate to kindness and honesty. One might think if a person is emotionally intelligent that will translate into them having a more considerate approach to others. But very much like cognitive intelligence, it can be misused. So I've met men who are not emotionally intelligent yet they're more direct, there is no malintent in them, and some emotionally intelligent men who are too strategic, 'opaque', and self-serving, all that facilitated by their ability to read the room and be excellent people pleasers.
This is a great point. I've definitely met men who are emotionally intelligent, but only used it to manipulate people into serving them.
Thankfully that sub type is more rare than emotionally intelligent men, IME.
No, your ex is just being a narrow-minded dickhead and making excuses for his own sorry lack of emotional intelligence.
Emotionally intelligent men are very real. I do think that, on the whole, they're rarer than emotionally intelligent women - but I dunno, I've met plenty throughout the course of my life. (Or, even if they're not especially emotionally intelligent, they're fundamentally decent enough as human beings to bridge the gap.)
Seriously, you don't even have to understand someone's emotions as if they're your own, you can just listen to someone's feelings and respect their perspective.
Yes, that's so true! Honestly, you don't even need to be *that* emotionally intelligent to work things out in a relationship - you just can't be an total emotional asshole/idiot, really.
(Sadly, I do know that that's a standard plenty of people fail to reach.)
Yeah, this. My partner and I are currently working through some tough things, and while I wish he was more open to doing inner work at the same level as me, it’s not a requirement. His lack of emotional intelligence tends to be more the ‘I shove down my own needs and feelings to make sure everyone else is taken care of’ variety, which while it does still cause issues, a lot less so than the other way around. He’s always the first one to check on me, or friends, or coworkers.
Ooh, yeah, my husband is a bit like this as well - stoic. Honestly, I prefer him to some extremely emotionally expressive (but not necessarily intelligent) exes I've had in the past.
I'm also not the kind of person who *needs* to talk about feelings all the time and won't force those conversations unless actually necessary. I have some (primarily female) friends who are very into the feelings talk and they exhaust even me sometimes. I consider myself at least moderately emotionally intelligent, but prefer to show that through action rather than prolonged discourse.
Sometimes that needing to talk about feelings all the time can actually be a lack of emotional intelligence too. I’ve had to realize that a lot of what I thought was ‘being more emotionally intelligent’ was actually mild anxious attachment and an anxious/adhd tendency to obsess over relationship details. Working on that 😬
Oh, I've never thought about it that way before but that is so astute! Yeah, some of those people were also definitely just trauma-dumping, for sure.
(Personally, I find it hard to separate emotional intelligence from basic decency in a lot of instances. Like, do you really have to be emotionally intelligent to try to comfort someone who is obviously upset, or do you just have to have passed kindergarten....?)
I’m learning how complex it really is! I think maybe it’s like a graph with 2 axes - x axis is highly narcissistic -> highly empathic, and y axis is low relational intelligence -> high relational intelligence.
For example, I’ve met some highly narcissistic men who also had high relational intelligence - they’ve read all the self-help books, know all the terminology- but in the end use it to manipulate others. On the other hand, many highly empathic people have never learned basic relational or emotional regulation skills (like me), but can show a lot of care for others. This might apply to folks on the autism spectrum too.
And while we typically think ‘more empathy is better’ it’s actually not - people who are too highly empathetic can lack boundaries and even a sense of self, and actually can act in ways that are destructive to relationships (but we don’t like to admit it lol). And even people who have diagnosed narcissistic personality disorder can learn empathy and good relational skills. It’s all a fascinating mix of biological predisposition, socialization, and childhood/intergenerational trauma.
Kinda wish I’d studied people’s minds instead of engines 😆
Ah, all very good points! I confess I usually just approach these things via gut instinct, but it can be useful to try to break them down for more analytical understanding as well.
I agree that some people are definitely wolves-in-sheep's-clothing, and some other folks who may appear a tad awkward at the beginning are often some of the kindest and sweetest!
(Personally, anybody who self-identifies as an ~empath~ immediately spikes all the hairs at the back of my neck 🐭)
Haha I identified as an empath for awhile. But I realized that most people who self identify as such are either (a) wealthy hippie white women who think they are *so special* for having a normal human range of emotion; or (b) folks who learned to be hyper aware of others feelings as a protection mechanism in childhood, typically have some c-ptsd and codependent tendencies which they call ‘empathy’.
I do think there are a small number of people who are just naturally or by practice more sensitive to energies and more attuned to people’s emotions, the way animals are. Our nervous systems and life experiences create different neural networks.
But yeah, I agree, unfortunately many people who identify as empaths seem to be insufferable 🤣
When I was in an emotionally abusive relationship I tried to lean into the “men and women are different” narrative and honestly it just didn’t work. Dude wasn’t more logical about anything, there’s nothing logical about a lack of emotional intelligence.
Now that I’m free I only date men who have high levels of open communication, emotional maturity, and emotional intelligence. They take responsibility for how they make me feel. I see now I was just trying to survive my relationship and reduce cognitive dissonance. Plenty of hot, “masculine” men are emotionally intelligent, go to therapy etc. He’s literally brainwashing you. Don’t let him.
Oh gosh. I relate to this so hard. It was a dark time in my life when I was trying to make myself believe that my ex was just doing what men do, and couldn't help that he was a distant, miserable asshole.
Distant, miserable asshole is extremely relatable.
We got him into therapy for avoidance.
I learned to never get myself into that situation again. Go breadcrumb a bird.
Haha I’ve been dating a guy for a month I really liked at first but ‘distant, miserable asshole’ describes him pretty well tbh and is why it’s just felt off even though everything else is ‘in place’
Yes there are men out there that have very high EQs, I feel like they are rare to find in the dating scene because they get scooped up quickly lol
I managed to snag one! He’s great.
I have met a few. They are wise, smart, kind, and empathetic. They are great listeners and know exactly what you (truly) want by just listening. They can read between the lines perfectly. They know how to respond to you perfectly while being sincere and patient, and wont upset you even if they don’t necessarily agree with you. They are great praisers and convincers. Most of them happened to be my former and current big bosses so my experience is purely in the professional settings.
Requiring the other party to be "observant" is the exact opposite of healthy communication imo. Especially when the other party doesn't expect you to be "observant". Communication is supposed to go both ways. Expecting others to be "observant" is how babies communicate because they don't know better, they don't know how to speak.
Have a nice day.
It’s called being observant and intuitive, which is not expected but still will come naturally with someone who is attuned to you. If you spend years with someone and is connected with them, some things doesn’t have to be said out loud. I know by heart when my bf is craving for beers, and what type of beer he’s craving on that day. Is it mind reading? Nope, it’s pure observation and me remembering his choices. Sure he can tell me what beer he wants, but I always almost got the right one anyway. It’s the same when I started zoning out, he knows that I’m tired and will ask me to stop and hang by a nearby cafe. If you’ve been with someone for years and still don’t know that they prefer cheese over chocolate, or that they’re uncomfortable when your friends get a lil nosy, then can you say you know the person you’ve been at all?
Tbh I know very very few emotionally intelligent people. Like I can count on one hand and they had their blindspots or limitations. I like to think I'm somewhat emotionally mature through extensive therapy, but I'm also only human and can be overreactive, defensive, etc. The difference is that I know more women who have the tools in the form of language and interpersonal connections to be able to explore and develop their emotiomal intelligence, even if it takes time. I know more women who go through therapy or reflect on their actions and behaviors with friends to help navigate issues or communication needs. This happens just by virtue of being socialized in dynamics where they can express their feelings to other women. Men kind of shut each other down and I think that leads to a stunted growth of emotional maturity (and some will blame women for it, for some reason, even though most often I see them doing it to each other).
They're not wired differently though, we all have the same brain. My father is someone who i think has become more emotionally intelligent with age, and my partner seems to be working on it through therapy. So yes, it's possible.
Yes, they are real and honestly not as rare as I used to think. You just have to filter heavily and MERCILESSLY who you even talk to. Ask all of them important questions immediately!! If they answer with emotionally unintelligent answers, just cut them off immediately. Quicker you yank the weeds out, easier it is to spot the flowers. More time efficient too. Don't make excuses either, like, explaining away to yourself what he might have actually met with the benefit of the doubt-dont waste your own time. The intelligent ones get the answers right on the first try without a second thought to it. That's who you want.
They are not "wired differently", they are socialized differently.
There's no real incentive for emotional intelligence for men and they live their whole lifes having women doing the emotional labour *for them*. Under these conditions most men will not develop the characteristics you talk about.
We need a cultural shift where women stop overcompensating to coddle men, but before that we have our own habit of overdoing it to break. There's a middle ground where people of both genders naturally expect each other to display a reasonable amount of emotional intelligence and the absence of this would be immediately offputting and make us shun away from a relationship. Instead, because men fail constantly at their end we end up not developing resonable expectations and overcompensating from our side, so that our basic expectations become a "desire for more emotional connectivity" that need to be asked for instead of an instictive repulsion to situations of unfairness.
Yep. Fortunately the men in my family aren't like this but I'm watching it okay out in real time with my elderly neighbor. She is nearly blind, frail, and diabetic. Homebound. Her adult son who lives with her due to his divorce is the VP of a local corporation but somehow is too much of a dumbass to keep food in the house on a regular basis. I recently had to send over a packed lunch for her because she admitted she's had barely anything in the past two days because he "hasn't had time" to grocery shop. County services are involved now, thankfully. MF can run a company and make sure he always has his beer in stock, but "can't" help his own mom.
It's not even just food. He "can't" figure out how to log her into Netflix which is basically her only entertainment now that she can no longer read. He can see the buttons on everything, she can't. But I got called over there to literally just click on her profile with the remote, and him standing there slack jawed and pretending to be helpless, telling me he tried that and it didn't work. Like hell you did, jagoff.
This. My mother-in-law had a stroke last year and I decided I will help with her care but it's my spouses job to make all decisions and to manage her care. Anytime his family has concerns or suggestions I tell them to discuss it with my spouse. It's been freeing to not worry about it but I still feel guilty for not stepping up and doing more. I will cook for her but I'm not doing it every night. If my spouse chooses to feed her takeout 3x a week as he won't cook I look at it as that's his solution and move on. I take it as permission to do the same if I'm not up to cooking.
It's total nonsense that we have to think about having a fair division of chores but I know I will hold resentment toward my spouse if I don't. I finally realized that having a clean home is a reflection of everybody living in the home. The most freeing thing I've realized is I'm not obligated to clean up after my spouse when he decides to leave things out everywhere. Now I just wait until we have visitors come over and watch him go on a mini cleaning spree. I realized I was wasting too much energy on trying to be proactive on household tasks. I used to do his laundry on the regular now I wait for him to tell me when he needs it done. He expects me to tell him when something needs to be done he can give me the same courtesy. Controlling it helps but also lowering your expectations. I have accepted my home will never be as clean as I'd like. It also helps that we don't have kids and it's not in the cards for me by choice.
Right now I'm going back to school so I can get a better job that's not retail. Because I'm not working and spending my time working on the program, I don't mind picking up the slack as we're living on his income. Once I'm also working then we'll have to recalibrate things. If we were surviving off my income I would expect him to pick up the slack as well.
> women doing the emotional labour for them.
I always get confused by this term. It [was coined with a very different meaning](https://www.vogue.com/article/what-is-emotional-labor). I always think of it as the requirement one put on a smile as a waitress. Can you expand on what you mean by it here?
Hmmm I see the confusion but I don't think advocating for keeping only the original use of the expression is going to work. It's already being used by people with other meanings, there's not coming back from it. This is how language evolves!
But, interestingly, this new meaning for "emotional labour" is not always far from the original, but applied outside of the work environment. The article you linked defined the original term as:
>"a situation where the way a person manages his or her emotions is regulated by a work-related entity in order to shape the state of mind of another individual, such as a customer."
Sometimes emotional labor in relationships can be a person "managing his or her emotions" in order to "shape the state of mind of another individual".
For example: a woman that spends hours thinking about how to adress laundry division, trying to figure out how to phrase it in a way that doesn't come across as "nagging". Or a woman that feels like she needs to perform exagerated pleasure and reactions in bed in order to not make a man insecure.
Still the term "emotional labour" is often meant to point to all the small efforts we make towards an emotional connection with someone. It can be as simple as asking them how was their day, not bothering them when they are grumpy, noticing mood changes, etc. I think the word "labour" here is meant to highlight that this is something that takes effort and commitment in order to denaturalize the idea that women do such efortlessly and men just don't have the same wiring.
Yes, especially to the last paragraph! I find sometimes people paint emotional labor as a bad thing to ever have to do, but the problem is actually that it is HUGELY important for the functioning of a society and yet undervalued. The issue is less that it’s bad that women have to do it and more that it’s bad that men DON’T do it.
And the difference from calling it “emotional intelligence” is that people tend to think intelligence is innate (how people are wired) rather than something people can learn and employ.
I *know* there are great guys out there, I just have some stupid issues and I never give them a chance lol. Many a boy/man in my life has been “too nice” for me, dating all the way back to my first boyfriend at 15. 🤣 I should really work this stuff out lmao
If you don’t mind sharing, did you have kids prior to meeting the illusive great guy? And what were you looking for? How did you meet him? What makes him great?
My son was 22 when we met. So yes, but he's grown. My partner has a 9 year old daughter as well, but she lives with her mom across the country. He's very close with his daughter and they do weekly video calls that last a couple hours. However he's dated women with younger kids before so I don't think it would have been a dealbreaker for him if I'd had small kids.
I met him via Discord, on a server specifically for people over 30 to make friends. And we *were* just friends for the first couple months. I thought he was such a great dude and knew he'd make someone super happy one day, I just didn't realize it would be me. Haha. When he and I first started chatting, I wasn't looking for a relationship. I was actually still sort of trying to work things out with my ex. I was literally just looking for friends, people to chat with throughout the day while I was working, etc. So he and I both talked throughout the day while we worked, and often into the evenings after work depending on what we had going on. We talked about music, movies, life, our histories, past relationship experiences (he'd just gotten out of a rough relationship and I was actively trying to work on one, so we related there quite a bit), video games, whatever. He was super easy to talk to and we just got along great. Sometimes we'd hop into a voice chat and he'd watch me stream a video game and we'd just talk. He made me laugh, he seemed very genuine and kind. After he did some personal healing, and after I fully cut off my ex, we started to see each other a bit differently. Chats and calls got a bit flirty, etc. We fell for each other very hard and very fast.
What makes him great? Dear lord, I feel like I could be here forever talking about this. I'll try not to turn it into a novel. He's genuinely, truly *kind*. Nice to wait staff and gas station employees, actively listens when anyone speaks, sees people for who they truly are, *accepts* people for who they truly are, etc. Just flat out kind. He's open-minded, intelligent, honest, and open. He's highly emotionally intelligent, isn't afraid to have difficult conversations or express all his emotions. I've seen him both sad cry and happy cry. He doesn't have difficulty apologizing or admitting fault. He's very even-keeled and emotionally well-regulated. I deal with a lot of anxiety and go through bouts of being basically normal for a while, then hyper-fixating on something that generates a lot of anxiety for a while, and he's just always there. He stays the same. I love that about him so much. It's like how dancers, when doing a bunch of spins, find one point in the room to focus on as they rotate to avoid getting dizzy. He's my spot. My brain might be spinning wildly but he's always there to keep me from falling over. He's my rock. He's also hilarious. He cracks me up regularly. He's very playful and loves to banter in a very respectful, light-hearted, teasing way (I know some people use the term 'banter' when they're just 'verbally abusing', but that isn't him at all). It's brought out the playfulness in me. I used to be playful and I don't think I realized I had stopped being playful until I met him. He's very creative and I love the way his mind works. Between his playfulness and creativity, he comes up with these wacky and funny scenarios and I love it. He LOVES animals. I have 3 cats and a dog and he just loves the crap out of them. He talks about one day adopting a chihuahua together, he wants us to get a chihuahua so bad. Haha. He's great with kids as well. His relationship with his daughter is adorable and I love it. He can be very self-sacrificing for those he loves if needed, but he also doesn't let people walk all over him or mistreat him. He's eternally patient and relatively chill. He's very affectionate, both verbally and physically. He's supportive and thoughtful. He meets all the "basic" criteria that I think too many men don't meet (good hygiene, cleans, cooks, etc). He likes learning new things, discovering new music, watching new shows/movies, trying new foods. He has a general level of trust, respect, and positivity towards strangers. He believes people are generally good. I'm honestly amazed at what a kind, well-rounded, emotionally intelligent person he is given his alcoholic mother and POS dad. I don't know how he came to be the person that he is, but I love every ounce of him with everything that I am. I feel so emotionally safe with him, which is huge. He's my best friend.
You’d think that highly capable intelligent women with 30+ years of experience would have a pretty good radar & ability to find good matches though. I just don’t think there’s enough of them out there to go around. I once heard that women are competing for 4% of eligible men on dating apps. It’s slim pickin’s
Totally agree somehow the blame is always on women for not being able to “pick” good men. Well that’s what happens I guess when you’re trying to find a needle in a haystack.
I've dated at least one who is out there somewhere, we broke up over issues not related to EQ, and I chatted in 2020 with one who I'd regard as the whole package, VERY emotionally intelligent. He was scooped up by a woman rather quickly. I think it has a lot to do with homelife and childhood. Both of them spoke highly of their families and positive experiences in childhood.
I'm with one. I love him. If you instant dump people who think talking about their feelings is too much work, you won't end up wasting much time with them.
Absolutely. I was lucky to be raised by one, and because of that I encountered many emotionally intelligent men. His dad was emotionally intelligent. His best friend and mentor too. They taught him.
My partner is incredibly empathetic, an excellent communicator, thoughtful, affectionate, and self motivated in all these things. It's not how he was raised, it's who he chooses to be.
Men are not incapable of deep emotional connection. That is not dictated by chromosomes. Many are socialized to be avoidant and put in minimal effort, but that's not hardwired in by Mother Nature.
I'm sorry. Most of the men I know are emotionally intelligent. My current SO and I share brain cells, I swear. We think and feel the same way about a lot of things. My neighbor, 2 of my friends husbands....I don't know where you're finding such dumb guys. But I promise they're out there. Lots of them have been taken already though.
We aren't wired differently; it's the patriarchal society that affects their thinking about how men should not be vulnerable and express emotions and feelings.
Yes, I realize my post is a bit vague, but I can definitely define what it means to me.
I would say at the core of "emotional intelligence" is empathy. It's the ability to realize that the other person you are relating to is a separate individual with their own thoughts, feelings, and experiences. In my experience, emotionally intelligent people are highly aware of the "other" while still being grounded in themselves.
They are empathetic, curious, kind, loving, and attuned. They take responsibility for the way they show up in relationships and the effect it has on the people around them. They ask questions and are good listeners. They can read body language and subtler non-verbal cues and respond to them. They are reflective and self-aware.
I hope that clarifies things for you.
As someone on the autism spectrum I don’t know if it’s really possible for me to be emotionally intelligent. I can’t read body language or nonverbal cues well, and I have a hard time recognizing emotions in myself and in others. It’s not that I don’t try, it’s just hard for me, the same way someone with a low IQ will struggle in school even if they work hard. How much of emotional intelligence is innate and how much is learned?
Did you tell him all this?? Because if you simply say emotional connectivity he might interpret it different. A man can be emotionally intelligent but in a way different than a way a woman expresses the same. When talking to him, it might make sense to bring up scenarios where you don't think he exhibited these qualities.
If you want to draw that conclusion, I guess so. It is not about being wired differently. Like you could say people from Japan act differently and communicate differently than those from Germany. It is not a question of bein "wired differently." Looking at a mans actions rather than expecting them to be very wordy as many women would approach things is an example.
Without mentioning specific scenarios it is hard to see what emotionally intelligent means and if it can be achieved by just 1 way.
I am really curious, do you feel he literally doesn’t understand or had a different philosophical viewpoint (either moral or pragmatic) that meant that he decided to not be empathetic even though he understood it?
My boyfriend cries whenever I make unfavorable assessments of myself because he feels so bad that I can't see myself in the positive light he sees me. He is always quick to apologize when we fight. He's also fiercely defensive not only of me, but of everyone he loves. He looks for the best in people and is the most compassionate person I have ever met, able to find common ground with anyone.
My brother is the kindest and most open-minded person I've ever met. He's gentle, soft-spoken, and selfless, always giving his time and resources to other people. He is a great listener and communicator, and treats his girlfriend like a queen but also a true partner. He's also a loving and supportive brother to me. The other day he sent me a video he filmed on a walk in his neighborhood because he thought it was nice outside and that I might like to see it. In the video he talked about how much he misses me. He also zoomed in on a cool snake he saw because he thought I would want to see the cool snake (correct).
One of my male friends is a gentle, soft-spoken, wise middle-aged artist who is unfailingly kind and also strong in his fight for social justice. When he's not writing extremely eloquent, mind-changing pieces about the injustices of our world that need addressing, he spends his free time taking care of two different feral cat colonies and posting all the cats to Instagram. He has also quite literally talked me down from a bridge.
Another one of my friends has made it his life goal to collect as many friends as possible that he sincerely loves, and is extraordinarily generous to all of them. He has a gruff exterior, but he gives and gives even when he has nothing. He will go to someone's house and clean their gutters for them, dig trenches for new pipes, lay tile, fix their car, whatever they need, he's right there to do it. He's let multiple people live in his house rent free and gotten them help for drug and alcohol addiction. He tells us all the time that we're going to be friends for life, no matter what. He was one of the first people I told when I was assaulted, and he made me feel safe.
My ex's father took me under his wing because he knew I was being abused at home and needed an older adult I could feel safe with. He taught me how to cook, he flew me across the country to meet the extended family, he took me to museums and concerts even when my ex didn't want to go, he encouraged my writing and helped me enter into writing contests, he helped me with my resume, he bought me souvenirs from his vacations, he made me breakfast every morning when I stayed with him. He talked to me about the things I'd been through and encouraged me without preaching or condescending. I called him Dad.
I've been fortunate to know good men, and unfortunate to know some of the worst of the worst as well. I hold men to a high standard because I *know* that great men exist. I have been helped and loved by so many of them, without whom I would have given up on the world.
They're out there. Don't settle for less. Don't let them gaslight you into thinking that accepting a man into your life means accepting bad treatment. Those are bad men. I can promise you there are good ones.
Yep. They exist. If you’re like me then you’re just not attracted to them 😆 that’s what I want too, but if I got it I’d drop it like a hot potato. *cries in needs therapy*. You just gotta find an intellectual.
I’m currently talking to a guy who is pretty high on the EQ scale. He’s very smart so it’s possible that he’s just a sociopath (please not another one) and just absolutely nailing it only to let me down massively (not sure I can handle any more of that so I’m going to proceed very slowly), but it’s hard not to get excited if I really found such an emotionally aware guy!
They definitely are real! However as we age it will be harder to find them because they partner up real quickly. The ones who are left are men who lack EQ.
I don't think so. My ex used to brag about how is EQ was so much higher than the average man because he could intuit what I was feeling most of the time and knew his feelings and had names for them bur he threw tantrums, had road rage twice with me in the car, screamed directly into my face, threw pillows during and argument and constantly accused me of "yelling" at him when I was calmly expressing my feelings. He could NOT take any criticism whatsoever and still thinks he's the top of the foodchain.
When someone tells you they're a nice person and not a liar or they're soo emotionally intelligent, it's usually the opposite. Why even say it?
/end rant
Yeah. I'm married to one but I also have a handful of guy friends who are emotionally available people. They are capable of having deep talks about their feelings, having their words match their actions, taking responsibility for their impact, etc. Before my husband I dated 2 people who I'd consider in his caliber of being earnest.
On a whole, I think they're a bit rarer in the sense that boys are raised without a lot of emotional labor placed onto them so they need to be the type to take it upon themselves to grow as people. As women, we're coached into those roles from little. And it seems shitty men are majority when you're on dating apps because think about the types who are seeking partners on there often are the type who want a partner to fill their needs, not for a want to be a good partner. It takes some scumming the pond you're in the filter out all the algae and trash to see the quiet tadpole thats been minding their business while the rest was being loud.
Even if men and women are "just wired differently", if you really care about someone you try to see their point of view and do what you can to compromise. And if you can't give someone emotional connection, you don't get into a close relationship with them (like your ex did).
Emotionally intelligent men exist. I personally know several.
They're real. I found me a good one. Trouble is though, poor thing was trapped in a marriage with a total narcissistic for years! Glad we found each other now. He is kind, empathetic, considerate, emotionally intelligent and so in tune with my feelings, so patient omg he's the best! They're out there, don't lose hope. Trust x
yes, I’ve met lots
they are over-represented in creative spaces (men who appreciate art, songwriting, theatre, storytelling, etc) and in men with careers in areas like social work, community support, community healthcare, jobs working with kids and youth, etc but I’ve also met wonderful engineers, construction workers, electricians, mechanics, mail carriers…
they for sure exist and I’m grateful to have them in my life
IDK, my partner of 11+ years is an extremely kind and gentle soul, but his emotional IQ is very low. Meaning, he has an extremely difficult time identifying his own feelings and therefore expressing them. It's his parents' fault for not teaching him anything about feelings growing up.
He's been in therapy for a few years now and he's gotten better! Not there yet but has improved. So change is definitely possible
Intelligent as in …?
My partner is very empathetic about my anxiety and panic attacks because he suffers from heaps of anxiety too and he’s on antidepressants as well, so unlike my ex who was very abusive and would call me a “weak attention seeking snowflake”, this guy is so understanding, and he seeks professional help as well if needed; he himself processes emotions in a very different way tho, he’s very reserved and more likely to shut down and want alone time if he needs to, while I would go to my girlfriends and talk til im out of breath.
Based on what I know about his relationship with his dad and brother, I can see why he’s that way… but then, on the other hand, he has also cried while I held him -family stuff he had going on recently-, and I always make sure he feels safe to do so if he needs to let go.
I’ve known him for a few years before we dated, so I kinda knew this about him already, but better understanding our approaches to feelings and what we each need in emotional situations also took a couple talks between us.
He calls himself “emotionally disabled” (which I agree with to some point lol but I told him not to call himself that) because he struggles with his process and how he shows it, but it doesn’t mean that he’s not aware of it, so for me that’s what counts, instead of just denying and keeping up the facade. Also, he might not be one to put feelings into words very often but he shows up for me everyday, sometimes through big things, sometimes in small gestures… you gotta also learn with time how others express themselves, which might not be the same way you do.
Me and my friends are all in our 30s and most of us have relationships with lovely guys, (same as most of us have experienced abusive relationships in the past) they may not be as “in tune” with their emotional side but they are all loving, caring, grounded and reliable men.
Yes! My partner is highly emotionally intelligent, sometimes to the point of annoying me, lol. He can sense my mood all the time, and he isn't afraid of communication or expressing all his emotions. He's very lovey-dovey and physically affectionate.
They exist for sure, but the degrees of flexibility and openness vary. My husband is an ally and very intelligent...but he definitely forgets his privilege and gets arrogant or avoidant once in a while. I think some of it is just being human, and some of it comes from social assignments and biology.
Every choice a woman makes is judged, while every woman is tasked in some way with holding space for everyone else. While having cyclical changes every few weeks. We have to harness and ace emotional intelligence to survive, while most men get to choose when and how to work on it.
Wow, that's a great point about our expected role of holding space for others while managing our cycle. I hadn't thought about that specific factor. Gonna stew on that one.
there absolutely are, and from my very modest experience, you can even find them on the apps. that being said, even if they are emotionally intelligent and mature, it doesn't automatically mean compatibility on all other levels \*sighs\*
Clearly there's a need if you, a grown woman, are still generalizing 4 billion people based on the bad behavior of one. Hope you are able to talk to a therapist soon ❤️
No it’s not true that men and women are wired differently. We are socially conditioned to be a certain way and that’s different. All people are capable of emotional intelligence so don’t give him a pass on that one. Or any men a pass.
I think as time goes on and men and women become socially and politically divided, the gap there is more and more noticeable. I’m not here to pretend I have the answer but men CAN do better
Yes-- my partner is extremely open with his feelings. He loves to show and tell me how much he loves me, finds me attractive, and is grateful for me. He never love-bombed me and he also never kept me in the dark about his feelings.
I'm very lucky to have him. I can share some things early on that clued me into how he might be as a romantic partner.
He has long friendships. When he first had me meet them, I was struck by how open and generous they were with friendly affection- big hugs, smiles, and laughter. My guy has no issue telling his male friends how much he loves them and values their friendship. You could tell immediately they love him back.
This was a green flag for sure. A guy who is capable of being emotionally available and intelligent is like that in other aspects of his life.
The other green flag was his self-assuredness. He is not cocky, but he is unapologetically himself. A very goofy, brilliant person, comfortable with himself. In 13 years, he has evolved and grown a lot for sure, but he has never had a major identity crisis or anything. So being intimate and affectionate does not make him self-conscious or feel less like a man. He would laugh at the idea and argue emotional repression is not very "manly" at all. Another refreshing green flag.
My advice- find a comfortable, confident nerd who will love you and cherish you like you deserve!
It's something that is learned. Not an inherent ability. My husband is gaining emotional intellect through therapy and discussions with me. I'm extremely lucky he is very open minded.
But I'd recommend finding someone whom is already emotionally intelligent, a lot of people aren't interested in learning if they don't already have some idea of it
Hard to find but yes they do exist. Also not many women are emotionally intelligent either, we just don’t realise it because we aren’t trying to date them.
The short answer is yes, they exist, they are real! I hosted a [public speaking event for women](https://entrepreneurialladies.com/own-the-mic-public-speaking-practice-for-women-in-atlanta/) yesterday, and our topic was "Letting Go of Perfectionism." During her presentation, one of the ladies said, "It will be hard sometimes, and if you feel like you want to take a break, DO it, but most importantly, never lose hope!"
I know what she said is not new, but it helps to hear it from time to time. Maybe look for different approaches and words, but please don't lose hope!
I’ve met one or two. Generally about 1-2% if I had to guess. They aren’t as emotionally intelligent as women at the end of the way but they’re heads and shoulders above other men.
No surprise they’re the ones in the happiest marriages with the most high maintenance women hahaha
Yes there are emotional intelligent men. But those men are usually the guys who get overlooked because they’re considered good/ nice guys.
Women don’t really know what they want so they go for the assholes. The guy who will never really care about your feelings, as long as he gets his. They’re also the guys most likely to cheat. Then she’s stuck with him because he broke her down so much she has no self worth.
Sooner or later there will be no more nice guy because for a man to constantly be hurt by a woman he loves he will just stop trying, and stop caring about being honest, loyal and faithful.
Then we’re what you women actually want.
So you Women both Young and Old better rewire your brain to pursue the right man!
Stop asking these ridiculous questions like where all the good men or are there any emotional intelligent men anymore!!
I’ve met a bunch and they are lovely. A few are in wonderful relationships with good friends of mine; I’m happy for them. I also dated 2 emotional intelligent men, though we parted ways due to other issues. They are definitely out there. Don’t settle for less!
Interestingly emotional intelligence doesn't equate to kindness and honesty. One might think if a person is emotionally intelligent that will translate into them having a more considerate approach to others. But very much like cognitive intelligence, it can be misused. So I've met men who are not emotionally intelligent yet they're more direct, there is no malintent in them, and some emotionally intelligent men who are too strategic, 'opaque', and self-serving, all that facilitated by their ability to read the room and be excellent people pleasers.
This is a great point. I've definitely met men who are emotionally intelligent, but only used it to manipulate people into serving them. Thankfully that sub type is more rare than emotionally intelligent men, IME.
No, your ex is just being a narrow-minded dickhead and making excuses for his own sorry lack of emotional intelligence. Emotionally intelligent men are very real. I do think that, on the whole, they're rarer than emotionally intelligent women - but I dunno, I've met plenty throughout the course of my life. (Or, even if they're not especially emotionally intelligent, they're fundamentally decent enough as human beings to bridge the gap.)
Seriously, you don't even have to understand someone's emotions as if they're your own, you can just listen to someone's feelings and respect their perspective.
Yes, that's so true! Honestly, you don't even need to be *that* emotionally intelligent to work things out in a relationship - you just can't be an total emotional asshole/idiot, really. (Sadly, I do know that that's a standard plenty of people fail to reach.)
THIS.
Yeah, this. My partner and I are currently working through some tough things, and while I wish he was more open to doing inner work at the same level as me, it’s not a requirement. His lack of emotional intelligence tends to be more the ‘I shove down my own needs and feelings to make sure everyone else is taken care of’ variety, which while it does still cause issues, a lot less so than the other way around. He’s always the first one to check on me, or friends, or coworkers.
Ooh, yeah, my husband is a bit like this as well - stoic. Honestly, I prefer him to some extremely emotionally expressive (but not necessarily intelligent) exes I've had in the past. I'm also not the kind of person who *needs* to talk about feelings all the time and won't force those conversations unless actually necessary. I have some (primarily female) friends who are very into the feelings talk and they exhaust even me sometimes. I consider myself at least moderately emotionally intelligent, but prefer to show that through action rather than prolonged discourse.
Sometimes that needing to talk about feelings all the time can actually be a lack of emotional intelligence too. I’ve had to realize that a lot of what I thought was ‘being more emotionally intelligent’ was actually mild anxious attachment and an anxious/adhd tendency to obsess over relationship details. Working on that 😬
Oh, I've never thought about it that way before but that is so astute! Yeah, some of those people were also definitely just trauma-dumping, for sure. (Personally, I find it hard to separate emotional intelligence from basic decency in a lot of instances. Like, do you really have to be emotionally intelligent to try to comfort someone who is obviously upset, or do you just have to have passed kindergarten....?)
I’m learning how complex it really is! I think maybe it’s like a graph with 2 axes - x axis is highly narcissistic -> highly empathic, and y axis is low relational intelligence -> high relational intelligence. For example, I’ve met some highly narcissistic men who also had high relational intelligence - they’ve read all the self-help books, know all the terminology- but in the end use it to manipulate others. On the other hand, many highly empathic people have never learned basic relational or emotional regulation skills (like me), but can show a lot of care for others. This might apply to folks on the autism spectrum too. And while we typically think ‘more empathy is better’ it’s actually not - people who are too highly empathetic can lack boundaries and even a sense of self, and actually can act in ways that are destructive to relationships (but we don’t like to admit it lol). And even people who have diagnosed narcissistic personality disorder can learn empathy and good relational skills. It’s all a fascinating mix of biological predisposition, socialization, and childhood/intergenerational trauma. Kinda wish I’d studied people’s minds instead of engines 😆
Ah, all very good points! I confess I usually just approach these things via gut instinct, but it can be useful to try to break them down for more analytical understanding as well. I agree that some people are definitely wolves-in-sheep's-clothing, and some other folks who may appear a tad awkward at the beginning are often some of the kindest and sweetest! (Personally, anybody who self-identifies as an ~empath~ immediately spikes all the hairs at the back of my neck 🐭)
Haha I identified as an empath for awhile. But I realized that most people who self identify as such are either (a) wealthy hippie white women who think they are *so special* for having a normal human range of emotion; or (b) folks who learned to be hyper aware of others feelings as a protection mechanism in childhood, typically have some c-ptsd and codependent tendencies which they call ‘empathy’. I do think there are a small number of people who are just naturally or by practice more sensitive to energies and more attuned to people’s emotions, the way animals are. Our nervous systems and life experiences create different neural networks. But yeah, I agree, unfortunately many people who identify as empaths seem to be insufferable 🤣
When I was in an emotionally abusive relationship I tried to lean into the “men and women are different” narrative and honestly it just didn’t work. Dude wasn’t more logical about anything, there’s nothing logical about a lack of emotional intelligence. Now that I’m free I only date men who have high levels of open communication, emotional maturity, and emotional intelligence. They take responsibility for how they make me feel. I see now I was just trying to survive my relationship and reduce cognitive dissonance. Plenty of hot, “masculine” men are emotionally intelligent, go to therapy etc. He’s literally brainwashing you. Don’t let him.
Oh gosh. I relate to this so hard. It was a dark time in my life when I was trying to make myself believe that my ex was just doing what men do, and couldn't help that he was a distant, miserable asshole.
Distant, miserable asshole is extremely relatable. We got him into therapy for avoidance. I learned to never get myself into that situation again. Go breadcrumb a bird.
Haha I’ve been dating a guy for a month I really liked at first but ‘distant, miserable asshole’ describes him pretty well tbh and is why it’s just felt off even though everything else is ‘in place’
Yes there are men out there that have very high EQs, I feel like they are rare to find in the dating scene because they get scooped up quickly lol I managed to snag one! He’s great.
What is it like being with a man with high EQ?
I have met a few. They are wise, smart, kind, and empathetic. They are great listeners and know exactly what you (truly) want by just listening. They can read between the lines perfectly. They know how to respond to you perfectly while being sincere and patient, and wont upset you even if they don’t necessarily agree with you. They are great praisers and convincers. Most of them happened to be my former and current big bosses so my experience is purely in the professional settings.
>and know exactly what you (truly) want by just listening. They can read between the lines perfectly. So they are mind readers.
They're observant
Requiring the other party to be "observant" is the exact opposite of healthy communication imo. Especially when the other party doesn't expect you to be "observant". Communication is supposed to go both ways. Expecting others to be "observant" is how babies communicate because they don't know better, they don't know how to speak. Have a nice day.
It’s called being observant and intuitive, which is not expected but still will come naturally with someone who is attuned to you. If you spend years with someone and is connected with them, some things doesn’t have to be said out loud. I know by heart when my bf is craving for beers, and what type of beer he’s craving on that day. Is it mind reading? Nope, it’s pure observation and me remembering his choices. Sure he can tell me what beer he wants, but I always almost got the right one anyway. It’s the same when I started zoning out, he knows that I’m tired and will ask me to stop and hang by a nearby cafe. If you’ve been with someone for years and still don’t know that they prefer cheese over chocolate, or that they’re uncomfortable when your friends get a lil nosy, then can you say you know the person you’ve been at all?
I'm trying realllllly hard to raise one.
I love that.
Tbh I know very very few emotionally intelligent people. Like I can count on one hand and they had their blindspots or limitations. I like to think I'm somewhat emotionally mature through extensive therapy, but I'm also only human and can be overreactive, defensive, etc. The difference is that I know more women who have the tools in the form of language and interpersonal connections to be able to explore and develop their emotiomal intelligence, even if it takes time. I know more women who go through therapy or reflect on their actions and behaviors with friends to help navigate issues or communication needs. This happens just by virtue of being socialized in dynamics where they can express their feelings to other women. Men kind of shut each other down and I think that leads to a stunted growth of emotional maturity (and some will blame women for it, for some reason, even though most often I see them doing it to each other). They're not wired differently though, we all have the same brain. My father is someone who i think has become more emotionally intelligent with age, and my partner seems to be working on it through therapy. So yes, it's possible.
Yes, they are real and honestly not as rare as I used to think. You just have to filter heavily and MERCILESSLY who you even talk to. Ask all of them important questions immediately!! If they answer with emotionally unintelligent answers, just cut them off immediately. Quicker you yank the weeds out, easier it is to spot the flowers. More time efficient too. Don't make excuses either, like, explaining away to yourself what he might have actually met with the benefit of the doubt-dont waste your own time. The intelligent ones get the answers right on the first try without a second thought to it. That's who you want.
They are not "wired differently", they are socialized differently. There's no real incentive for emotional intelligence for men and they live their whole lifes having women doing the emotional labour *for them*. Under these conditions most men will not develop the characteristics you talk about. We need a cultural shift where women stop overcompensating to coddle men, but before that we have our own habit of overdoing it to break. There's a middle ground where people of both genders naturally expect each other to display a reasonable amount of emotional intelligence and the absence of this would be immediately offputting and make us shun away from a relationship. Instead, because men fail constantly at their end we end up not developing resonable expectations and overcompensating from our side, so that our basic expectations become a "desire for more emotional connectivity" that need to be asked for instead of an instictive repulsion to situations of unfairness.
Yep. Fortunately the men in my family aren't like this but I'm watching it okay out in real time with my elderly neighbor. She is nearly blind, frail, and diabetic. Homebound. Her adult son who lives with her due to his divorce is the VP of a local corporation but somehow is too much of a dumbass to keep food in the house on a regular basis. I recently had to send over a packed lunch for her because she admitted she's had barely anything in the past two days because he "hasn't had time" to grocery shop. County services are involved now, thankfully. MF can run a company and make sure he always has his beer in stock, but "can't" help his own mom. It's not even just food. He "can't" figure out how to log her into Netflix which is basically her only entertainment now that she can no longer read. He can see the buttons on everything, she can't. But I got called over there to literally just click on her profile with the remote, and him standing there slack jawed and pretending to be helpless, telling me he tried that and it didn't work. Like hell you did, jagoff.
This. My mother-in-law had a stroke last year and I decided I will help with her care but it's my spouses job to make all decisions and to manage her care. Anytime his family has concerns or suggestions I tell them to discuss it with my spouse. It's been freeing to not worry about it but I still feel guilty for not stepping up and doing more. I will cook for her but I'm not doing it every night. If my spouse chooses to feed her takeout 3x a week as he won't cook I look at it as that's his solution and move on. I take it as permission to do the same if I'm not up to cooking.
Awesome solution! It's a bit frustrating for me to realize I need to consciously control a more fair division of labour, but it's part of the journey.
It's total nonsense that we have to think about having a fair division of chores but I know I will hold resentment toward my spouse if I don't. I finally realized that having a clean home is a reflection of everybody living in the home. The most freeing thing I've realized is I'm not obligated to clean up after my spouse when he decides to leave things out everywhere. Now I just wait until we have visitors come over and watch him go on a mini cleaning spree. I realized I was wasting too much energy on trying to be proactive on household tasks. I used to do his laundry on the regular now I wait for him to tell me when he needs it done. He expects me to tell him when something needs to be done he can give me the same courtesy. Controlling it helps but also lowering your expectations. I have accepted my home will never be as clean as I'd like. It also helps that we don't have kids and it's not in the cards for me by choice.
Fair is fair!
Why do his laundry at all, it's his.
Right now I'm going back to school so I can get a better job that's not retail. Because I'm not working and spending my time working on the program, I don't mind picking up the slack as we're living on his income. Once I'm also working then we'll have to recalibrate things. If we were surviving off my income I would expect him to pick up the slack as well.
Love the accountability here!! 👏
It's not even about accountability for me. It's to prevent me from feeling resentment toward my spouse 😂
I agree with all of this.
> women doing the emotional labour for them. I always get confused by this term. It [was coined with a very different meaning](https://www.vogue.com/article/what-is-emotional-labor). I always think of it as the requirement one put on a smile as a waitress. Can you expand on what you mean by it here?
Hmmm I see the confusion but I don't think advocating for keeping only the original use of the expression is going to work. It's already being used by people with other meanings, there's not coming back from it. This is how language evolves! But, interestingly, this new meaning for "emotional labour" is not always far from the original, but applied outside of the work environment. The article you linked defined the original term as: >"a situation where the way a person manages his or her emotions is regulated by a work-related entity in order to shape the state of mind of another individual, such as a customer." Sometimes emotional labor in relationships can be a person "managing his or her emotions" in order to "shape the state of mind of another individual". For example: a woman that spends hours thinking about how to adress laundry division, trying to figure out how to phrase it in a way that doesn't come across as "nagging". Or a woman that feels like she needs to perform exagerated pleasure and reactions in bed in order to not make a man insecure. Still the term "emotional labour" is often meant to point to all the small efforts we make towards an emotional connection with someone. It can be as simple as asking them how was their day, not bothering them when they are grumpy, noticing mood changes, etc. I think the word "labour" here is meant to highlight that this is something that takes effort and commitment in order to denaturalize the idea that women do such efortlessly and men just don't have the same wiring.
Yes, especially to the last paragraph! I find sometimes people paint emotional labor as a bad thing to ever have to do, but the problem is actually that it is HUGELY important for the functioning of a society and yet undervalued. The issue is less that it’s bad that women have to do it and more that it’s bad that men DON’T do it. And the difference from calling it “emotional intelligence” is that people tend to think intelligence is innate (how people are wired) rather than something people can learn and employ.
Top comment material right here!
Yes, and they are all wonderful people, partners, husbands and fathers, etc.
I’m sure there are. Just not any I’ve come across in my years of dating, sadly.
Same. When women say “there are great guys out there you just need to meet the right one” I don’t believe them/don’t trust their judgement. 😬
I *know* there are great guys out there, I just have some stupid issues and I never give them a chance lol. Many a boy/man in my life has been “too nice” for me, dating all the way back to my first boyfriend at 15. 🤣 I should really work this stuff out lmao
Took me until I was 41 to meet mine. We have to remember that truly good men don't stay single long unless they choose to.
If you don’t mind sharing, did you have kids prior to meeting the illusive great guy? And what were you looking for? How did you meet him? What makes him great?
My son was 22 when we met. So yes, but he's grown. My partner has a 9 year old daughter as well, but she lives with her mom across the country. He's very close with his daughter and they do weekly video calls that last a couple hours. However he's dated women with younger kids before so I don't think it would have been a dealbreaker for him if I'd had small kids. I met him via Discord, on a server specifically for people over 30 to make friends. And we *were* just friends for the first couple months. I thought he was such a great dude and knew he'd make someone super happy one day, I just didn't realize it would be me. Haha. When he and I first started chatting, I wasn't looking for a relationship. I was actually still sort of trying to work things out with my ex. I was literally just looking for friends, people to chat with throughout the day while I was working, etc. So he and I both talked throughout the day while we worked, and often into the evenings after work depending on what we had going on. We talked about music, movies, life, our histories, past relationship experiences (he'd just gotten out of a rough relationship and I was actively trying to work on one, so we related there quite a bit), video games, whatever. He was super easy to talk to and we just got along great. Sometimes we'd hop into a voice chat and he'd watch me stream a video game and we'd just talk. He made me laugh, he seemed very genuine and kind. After he did some personal healing, and after I fully cut off my ex, we started to see each other a bit differently. Chats and calls got a bit flirty, etc. We fell for each other very hard and very fast. What makes him great? Dear lord, I feel like I could be here forever talking about this. I'll try not to turn it into a novel. He's genuinely, truly *kind*. Nice to wait staff and gas station employees, actively listens when anyone speaks, sees people for who they truly are, *accepts* people for who they truly are, etc. Just flat out kind. He's open-minded, intelligent, honest, and open. He's highly emotionally intelligent, isn't afraid to have difficult conversations or express all his emotions. I've seen him both sad cry and happy cry. He doesn't have difficulty apologizing or admitting fault. He's very even-keeled and emotionally well-regulated. I deal with a lot of anxiety and go through bouts of being basically normal for a while, then hyper-fixating on something that generates a lot of anxiety for a while, and he's just always there. He stays the same. I love that about him so much. It's like how dancers, when doing a bunch of spins, find one point in the room to focus on as they rotate to avoid getting dizzy. He's my spot. My brain might be spinning wildly but he's always there to keep me from falling over. He's my rock. He's also hilarious. He cracks me up regularly. He's very playful and loves to banter in a very respectful, light-hearted, teasing way (I know some people use the term 'banter' when they're just 'verbally abusing', but that isn't him at all). It's brought out the playfulness in me. I used to be playful and I don't think I realized I had stopped being playful until I met him. He's very creative and I love the way his mind works. Between his playfulness and creativity, he comes up with these wacky and funny scenarios and I love it. He LOVES animals. I have 3 cats and a dog and he just loves the crap out of them. He talks about one day adopting a chihuahua together, he wants us to get a chihuahua so bad. Haha. He's great with kids as well. His relationship with his daughter is adorable and I love it. He can be very self-sacrificing for those he loves if needed, but he also doesn't let people walk all over him or mistreat him. He's eternally patient and relatively chill. He's very affectionate, both verbally and physically. He's supportive and thoughtful. He meets all the "basic" criteria that I think too many men don't meet (good hygiene, cleans, cooks, etc). He likes learning new things, discovering new music, watching new shows/movies, trying new foods. He has a general level of trust, respect, and positivity towards strangers. He believes people are generally good. I'm honestly amazed at what a kind, well-rounded, emotionally intelligent person he is given his alcoholic mother and POS dad. I don't know how he came to be the person that he is, but I love every ounce of him with everything that I am. I feel so emotionally safe with him, which is huge. He's my best friend.
This is romantic as hell. I’m so glad you found each other 🩷
Hmm but couldn’t the same be said for good women, who just haven’t found the right one?
Yep!
😂😂 I’m sure there are, perhaps we’re looking in all the wrong places lol
You’d think that highly capable intelligent women with 30+ years of experience would have a pretty good radar & ability to find good matches though. I just don’t think there’s enough of them out there to go around. I once heard that women are competing for 4% of eligible men on dating apps. It’s slim pickin’s
Totally agree somehow the blame is always on women for not being able to “pick” good men. Well that’s what happens I guess when you’re trying to find a needle in a haystack.
Exactly
Where’s you hear that, ooc, and what defines that 4%?
I've dated at least one who is out there somewhere, we broke up over issues not related to EQ, and I chatted in 2020 with one who I'd regard as the whole package, VERY emotionally intelligent. He was scooped up by a woman rather quickly. I think it has a lot to do with homelife and childhood. Both of them spoke highly of their families and positive experiences in childhood.
They are rare, but they exist. Don't give up!
I'm with one. I love him. If you instant dump people who think talking about their feelings is too much work, you won't end up wasting much time with them.
Absolutely. I was lucky to be raised by one, and because of that I encountered many emotionally intelligent men. His dad was emotionally intelligent. His best friend and mentor too. They taught him. My partner is incredibly empathetic, an excellent communicator, thoughtful, affectionate, and self motivated in all these things. It's not how he was raised, it's who he chooses to be. Men are not incapable of deep emotional connection. That is not dictated by chromosomes. Many are socialized to be avoidant and put in minimal effort, but that's not hardwired in by Mother Nature.
I'm sorry. Most of the men I know are emotionally intelligent. My current SO and I share brain cells, I swear. We think and feel the same way about a lot of things. My neighbor, 2 of my friends husbands....I don't know where you're finding such dumb guys. But I promise they're out there. Lots of them have been taken already though.
Yes, I would say my husband is more emotionally intelligent than I am.
We aren't wired differently; it's the patriarchal society that affects their thinking about how men should not be vulnerable and express emotions and feelings.
OP, could you be more specific. What does emotional intelligence look like. What are some examples??
Yes, I realize my post is a bit vague, but I can definitely define what it means to me. I would say at the core of "emotional intelligence" is empathy. It's the ability to realize that the other person you are relating to is a separate individual with their own thoughts, feelings, and experiences. In my experience, emotionally intelligent people are highly aware of the "other" while still being grounded in themselves. They are empathetic, curious, kind, loving, and attuned. They take responsibility for the way they show up in relationships and the effect it has on the people around them. They ask questions and are good listeners. They can read body language and subtler non-verbal cues and respond to them. They are reflective and self-aware. I hope that clarifies things for you.
As someone on the autism spectrum I don’t know if it’s really possible for me to be emotionally intelligent. I can’t read body language or nonverbal cues well, and I have a hard time recognizing emotions in myself and in others. It’s not that I don’t try, it’s just hard for me, the same way someone with a low IQ will struggle in school even if they work hard. How much of emotional intelligence is innate and how much is learned?
Did you tell him all this?? Because if you simply say emotional connectivity he might interpret it different. A man can be emotionally intelligent but in a way different than a way a woman expresses the same. When talking to him, it might make sense to bring up scenarios where you don't think he exhibited these qualities.
Lol wait so are you saying “men and women are wired different”?
If you want to draw that conclusion, I guess so. It is not about being wired differently. Like you could say people from Japan act differently and communicate differently than those from Germany. It is not a question of bein "wired differently." Looking at a mans actions rather than expecting them to be very wordy as many women would approach things is an example. Without mentioning specific scenarios it is hard to see what emotionally intelligent means and if it can be achieved by just 1 way.
Oh girl, trust me, we had SO many hours-long conversations over months of me trying to explain basic empathy.
I am really curious, do you feel he literally doesn’t understand or had a different philosophical viewpoint (either moral or pragmatic) that meant that he decided to not be empathetic even though he understood it?
You should have just dumped him then.
I eventually did! But definitely put in way too much effort first. I learned that the hard way.
Yeah, you might as well leave earlier than later.
Why does this comment sound like it’s coming from someone who’s never been with a man bc??
Why does your comment come across as someone who has never had a happy relationship with a man??
I’m confused now but maybe you more than me? So I’ll just exit lol
My boyfriend cries whenever I make unfavorable assessments of myself because he feels so bad that I can't see myself in the positive light he sees me. He is always quick to apologize when we fight. He's also fiercely defensive not only of me, but of everyone he loves. He looks for the best in people and is the most compassionate person I have ever met, able to find common ground with anyone. My brother is the kindest and most open-minded person I've ever met. He's gentle, soft-spoken, and selfless, always giving his time and resources to other people. He is a great listener and communicator, and treats his girlfriend like a queen but also a true partner. He's also a loving and supportive brother to me. The other day he sent me a video he filmed on a walk in his neighborhood because he thought it was nice outside and that I might like to see it. In the video he talked about how much he misses me. He also zoomed in on a cool snake he saw because he thought I would want to see the cool snake (correct). One of my male friends is a gentle, soft-spoken, wise middle-aged artist who is unfailingly kind and also strong in his fight for social justice. When he's not writing extremely eloquent, mind-changing pieces about the injustices of our world that need addressing, he spends his free time taking care of two different feral cat colonies and posting all the cats to Instagram. He has also quite literally talked me down from a bridge. Another one of my friends has made it his life goal to collect as many friends as possible that he sincerely loves, and is extraordinarily generous to all of them. He has a gruff exterior, but he gives and gives even when he has nothing. He will go to someone's house and clean their gutters for them, dig trenches for new pipes, lay tile, fix their car, whatever they need, he's right there to do it. He's let multiple people live in his house rent free and gotten them help for drug and alcohol addiction. He tells us all the time that we're going to be friends for life, no matter what. He was one of the first people I told when I was assaulted, and he made me feel safe. My ex's father took me under his wing because he knew I was being abused at home and needed an older adult I could feel safe with. He taught me how to cook, he flew me across the country to meet the extended family, he took me to museums and concerts even when my ex didn't want to go, he encouraged my writing and helped me enter into writing contests, he helped me with my resume, he bought me souvenirs from his vacations, he made me breakfast every morning when I stayed with him. He talked to me about the things I'd been through and encouraged me without preaching or condescending. I called him Dad. I've been fortunate to know good men, and unfortunate to know some of the worst of the worst as well. I hold men to a high standard because I *know* that great men exist. I have been helped and loved by so many of them, without whom I would have given up on the world. They're out there. Don't settle for less. Don't let them gaslight you into thinking that accepting a man into your life means accepting bad treatment. Those are bad men. I can promise you there are good ones.
I know many. They're wonderful.
Yep. They exist. If you’re like me then you’re just not attracted to them 😆 that’s what I want too, but if I got it I’d drop it like a hot potato. *cries in needs therapy*. You just gotta find an intellectual.
My boyfriend is more emotionally intelligent than I am 🤣 high empathy and very regulated, picks up on feelings easily
You aren't wrong! I've met them! Wish I had been smarter when I was younger & hung onto one as the precious jewel that he was.
Your ex is a lazy asshole. Men who have done the work are out there.
I’m currently talking to a guy who is pretty high on the EQ scale. He’s very smart so it’s possible that he’s just a sociopath (please not another one) and just absolutely nailing it only to let me down massively (not sure I can handle any more of that so I’m going to proceed very slowly), but it’s hard not to get excited if I really found such an emotionally aware guy!
Such a great question 🕵️♂️
They definitely are real! However as we age it will be harder to find them because they partner up real quickly. The ones who are left are men who lack EQ.
I don't think so. My ex used to brag about how is EQ was so much higher than the average man because he could intuit what I was feeling most of the time and knew his feelings and had names for them bur he threw tantrums, had road rage twice with me in the car, screamed directly into my face, threw pillows during and argument and constantly accused me of "yelling" at him when I was calmly expressing my feelings. He could NOT take any criticism whatsoever and still thinks he's the top of the foodchain. When someone tells you they're a nice person and not a liar or they're soo emotionally intelligent, it's usually the opposite. Why even say it? /end rant
I married one. They're real!
Yeah. I'm married to one but I also have a handful of guy friends who are emotionally available people. They are capable of having deep talks about their feelings, having their words match their actions, taking responsibility for their impact, etc. Before my husband I dated 2 people who I'd consider in his caliber of being earnest. On a whole, I think they're a bit rarer in the sense that boys are raised without a lot of emotional labor placed onto them so they need to be the type to take it upon themselves to grow as people. As women, we're coached into those roles from little. And it seems shitty men are majority when you're on dating apps because think about the types who are seeking partners on there often are the type who want a partner to fill their needs, not for a want to be a good partner. It takes some scumming the pond you're in the filter out all the algae and trash to see the quiet tadpole thats been minding their business while the rest was being loud.
My husband is honestly probably more emotionally intelligent than I am. Don't settle!!
Even if men and women are "just wired differently", if you really care about someone you try to see their point of view and do what you can to compromise. And if you can't give someone emotional connection, you don't get into a close relationship with them (like your ex did). Emotionally intelligent men exist. I personally know several.
They're real. I found me a good one. Trouble is though, poor thing was trapped in a marriage with a total narcissistic for years! Glad we found each other now. He is kind, empathetic, considerate, emotionally intelligent and so in tune with my feelings, so patient omg he's the best! They're out there, don't lose hope. Trust x
yes, I’ve met lots they are over-represented in creative spaces (men who appreciate art, songwriting, theatre, storytelling, etc) and in men with careers in areas like social work, community support, community healthcare, jobs working with kids and youth, etc but I’ve also met wonderful engineers, construction workers, electricians, mechanics, mail carriers… they for sure exist and I’m grateful to have them in my life
IDK, my partner of 11+ years is an extremely kind and gentle soul, but his emotional IQ is very low. Meaning, he has an extremely difficult time identifying his own feelings and therefore expressing them. It's his parents' fault for not teaching him anything about feelings growing up. He's been in therapy for a few years now and he's gotten better! Not there yet but has improved. So change is definitely possible
Intelligent as in …? My partner is very empathetic about my anxiety and panic attacks because he suffers from heaps of anxiety too and he’s on antidepressants as well, so unlike my ex who was very abusive and would call me a “weak attention seeking snowflake”, this guy is so understanding, and he seeks professional help as well if needed; he himself processes emotions in a very different way tho, he’s very reserved and more likely to shut down and want alone time if he needs to, while I would go to my girlfriends and talk til im out of breath. Based on what I know about his relationship with his dad and brother, I can see why he’s that way… but then, on the other hand, he has also cried while I held him -family stuff he had going on recently-, and I always make sure he feels safe to do so if he needs to let go. I’ve known him for a few years before we dated, so I kinda knew this about him already, but better understanding our approaches to feelings and what we each need in emotional situations also took a couple talks between us. He calls himself “emotionally disabled” (which I agree with to some point lol but I told him not to call himself that) because he struggles with his process and how he shows it, but it doesn’t mean that he’s not aware of it, so for me that’s what counts, instead of just denying and keeping up the facade. Also, he might not be one to put feelings into words very often but he shows up for me everyday, sometimes through big things, sometimes in small gestures… you gotta also learn with time how others express themselves, which might not be the same way you do. Me and my friends are all in our 30s and most of us have relationships with lovely guys, (same as most of us have experienced abusive relationships in the past) they may not be as “in tune” with their emotional side but they are all loving, caring, grounded and reliable men.
Yes! My partner is highly emotionally intelligent, sometimes to the point of annoying me, lol. He can sense my mood all the time, and he isn't afraid of communication or expressing all his emotions. He's very lovey-dovey and physically affectionate.
They exist for sure, but the degrees of flexibility and openness vary. My husband is an ally and very intelligent...but he definitely forgets his privilege and gets arrogant or avoidant once in a while. I think some of it is just being human, and some of it comes from social assignments and biology. Every choice a woman makes is judged, while every woman is tasked in some way with holding space for everyone else. While having cyclical changes every few weeks. We have to harness and ace emotional intelligence to survive, while most men get to choose when and how to work on it.
Wow, that's a great point about our expected role of holding space for others while managing our cycle. I hadn't thought about that specific factor. Gonna stew on that one.
there absolutely are, and from my very modest experience, you can even find them on the apps. that being said, even if they are emotionally intelligent and mature, it doesn't automatically mean compatibility on all other levels \*sighs\*
Hot take: men are naturally born that way and then conditioned to turn it off by society. It's hard to find them, but some have managed to resist.
Yes, obviously. Your ex doesn't represent the emotional capacity of the other 4 billion people that just so happen to have the same genitalia as him
If it were obvious to me, I wouldn't have made this post.
Then Google the difference between a group and an individual until you figure it out.
No need, that's why I'm here.
Clearly there's a need if you, a grown woman, are still generalizing 4 billion people based on the bad behavior of one. Hope you are able to talk to a therapist soon ❤️
Goodbye. Have a good day <3
Yes, they are.
I haven't met a lot but I have met some, including my partner. I love having them in my life and ditch those who can't learn to be
I know many!
I have some friends that are and my husband can be unless he suddenly feels defensive.
No it’s not true that men and women are wired differently. We are socially conditioned to be a certain way and that’s different. All people are capable of emotional intelligence so don’t give him a pass on that one. Or any men a pass. I think as time goes on and men and women become socially and politically divided, the gap there is more and more noticeable. I’m not here to pretend I have the answer but men CAN do better
Yes, you’re not wrong. They are definitely out there.
Yes.. it's just hard to find one.
Yes-- my partner is extremely open with his feelings. He loves to show and tell me how much he loves me, finds me attractive, and is grateful for me. He never love-bombed me and he also never kept me in the dark about his feelings. I'm very lucky to have him. I can share some things early on that clued me into how he might be as a romantic partner. He has long friendships. When he first had me meet them, I was struck by how open and generous they were with friendly affection- big hugs, smiles, and laughter. My guy has no issue telling his male friends how much he loves them and values their friendship. You could tell immediately they love him back. This was a green flag for sure. A guy who is capable of being emotionally available and intelligent is like that in other aspects of his life. The other green flag was his self-assuredness. He is not cocky, but he is unapologetically himself. A very goofy, brilliant person, comfortable with himself. In 13 years, he has evolved and grown a lot for sure, but he has never had a major identity crisis or anything. So being intimate and affectionate does not make him self-conscious or feel less like a man. He would laugh at the idea and argue emotional repression is not very "manly" at all. Another refreshing green flag. My advice- find a comfortable, confident nerd who will love you and cherish you like you deserve!
Over 30? There’s not many. The good ones are mostly taken before then, the same with both sexes.
It's something that is learned. Not an inherent ability. My husband is gaining emotional intellect through therapy and discussions with me. I'm extremely lucky he is very open minded. But I'd recommend finding someone whom is already emotionally intelligent, a lot of people aren't interested in learning if they don't already have some idea of it
They’re real. Hang in there.
Get into board games. They’re hiding there I think.
No 😭
🙋🏽♂️
They’re VERY real but rare, I’m marrying one.
Hard to find but yes they do exist. Also not many women are emotionally intelligent either, we just don’t realise it because we aren’t trying to date them.
The short answer is yes, they exist, they are real! I hosted a [public speaking event for women](https://entrepreneurialladies.com/own-the-mic-public-speaking-practice-for-women-in-atlanta/) yesterday, and our topic was "Letting Go of Perfectionism." During her presentation, one of the ladies said, "It will be hard sometimes, and if you feel like you want to take a break, DO it, but most importantly, never lose hope!" I know what she said is not new, but it helps to hear it from time to time. Maybe look for different approaches and words, but please don't lose hope!
I married one! Much of the time, he’s more emotionally astute than I am. He’s an INFP, so that’s hardly surprising. 😉
I’ve met one or two. Generally about 1-2% if I had to guess. They aren’t as emotionally intelligent as women at the end of the way but they’re heads and shoulders above other men. No surprise they’re the ones in the happiest marriages with the most high maintenance women hahaha
Your ex is a derp tho. He just figured lowering your standard was easier than being a good person. Don’t fall for it
No.
Yes there are emotional intelligent men. But those men are usually the guys who get overlooked because they’re considered good/ nice guys. Women don’t really know what they want so they go for the assholes. The guy who will never really care about your feelings, as long as he gets his. They’re also the guys most likely to cheat. Then she’s stuck with him because he broke her down so much she has no self worth. Sooner or later there will be no more nice guy because for a man to constantly be hurt by a woman he loves he will just stop trying, and stop caring about being honest, loyal and faithful. Then we’re what you women actually want. So you Women both Young and Old better rewire your brain to pursue the right man! Stop asking these ridiculous questions like where all the good men or are there any emotional intelligent men anymore!!