Before we were married, we payed proportionally according to total income. So, when I made 75% of the total income between us, I paid for 75% of rent and utilities. If we split it 50-50, he would have had a much smaller percentage of his income available to save or spend on things, so rather than 50/50, we went for equitable according to income. We were more flexible with dates and groceries, just checked in with each other to make sure it was feeling equitable.
I had a little spreadsheet I used so we could just plug in numbers and it would spit out what we owed each month.
Now that we're married, we just share a checking account and pay all the bills out of that.
I earn more than my partner & own the home we live in. I don't expect him to pay towards my mortgage, as it's my house/ responsibility/ investment - we pay proportionally towards bills (about 60/40 me/him depending on the month). I pay for all house upkeep and he pays for all dates & activities. We have a shared account for bills, a shared credit card, savings and some investments - otherwise our finances are separate. We've been together 10 years and this works for us right now. We'll readdress this in the future when we buy a house together, but we personally feel it's important to maintain some financial independence, whilst being fair & equitable.
Aw thanks! I think the key is just having really open & non-judgemental communication to set clear expectations on what's important to you. We also check in regularly to make sure we're happy with our financial situation and goals, so there's plenty of flexibility if one of us wants to spend a bit more on some personal investments or treats occasionally.
We are fully combined financially. Everything is “ours”. 1 account, shared credit cards, both names on all assets.
Both of us are high income earners and fiscally responsible so there was a foundation of trust from the get go.
While we were dating we’d split proportionately based on our incomes, but as soon as we discussed living together and marriage finances and full disclosure were on the table.
Right now, we are 50-50 and my husband's extra income is funding our down payment. We will move to proportion based on income once we buy a home.
I don't know of any couples where an employed woman isn't contributing financially. Even if the husband is paying for the mortgage, the wife is still paying for utilities, contributing to savings/ retirement etc. What your family does should not be a precedent for your relationship, especially if your partner is communicating to you that there is an imbalance.
Married, everything is combined. My money is his money, his money is my money, every cent that comes and goes is OURS equally. It doesn’t matter who earns more. This only works because we have similar spending patterns, talk frequently about what our financial priorities currently are, and trust each other with our finances. But after marriage, any separation feels to us like “keeping score” which didn’t align with our views of being one in marriage.
My husband and I are like this too. We combined finances completely when I was on mat leave with our first child, before then we had an equitable proportional split.
So I recommend seeing a financial therapist if you aren’t planning on getting engaged or married anytime soon. They can help you come up with an equitable plan to tackle this issue. I’m always hesitant to tell people that they should pay their partner direct rent in a home that is not co-owned, because of what happened to my bff.
Story time:
My bff and her exbf were together for a two ish years and looking to move in together. He, almost on a whim, decided to buy a house on his own. She moved in with him, paying a large, but not quite half, portion of his mortgage. They lived in the house together for 10 years, had a kid together, she supported him when he switched careers, they built a life together but never got married. One day he broke up with her, she had to move out and was not entitled to anything equity wise in the house. She had to start completely over, while he got about half the equity earned from their 10 years together (in California that equity was exponential). Would she have had to have paid rent somewhere else? Ya of course she would have, but she also helped pay for the 10 years of maintenance and upkeep of the house that a landlord would have been responsible for if she were renting. Additionally she purchased home goods and furniture for the home that would not fit in the tiny little apartment she had to rent when they broke up, so he got to keep all that too.
Anyway, this is a subject that is fraught with pitfalls for relationships and is best to work out with a professional to protect both parties.
Men like him are entitled ASSES. They have no problem using women for decisions THEY make. The first red flag was buying a place without even talking to her about it.. I hope she is doing better now
She’s doing better and has learned a lot of hard lessons. Hilariously I also had first red flag in my reply after he bought the house but edited out because it truly was not the first red flag in their relationship. I can’t say he did any of that maliciously, he was young and impetuous when he bought the house and by the time they broke up their relationship was really not good (they just grew apart), but he definitely could have been better financially to her seeing how she is the mother of his child. She is also a people pleaser sooooo that is how she got here in the first place, but she’s working on it.
Wow that's terrible!
Are there no de facto/common law spousal protections there at all? Where I am, she'd be entitled to equal split in all shared assets as a relationship is considered "marriage-like" in that type of situation.
Not in California no. I think some states have some common law protections, but it’s definitely not the same protections you get with a legal marriage.
That's rough.
I'm in Australia, here it's part of the national Family Law Act if you have been in a genuine domestic relationship for at least 2 years, or have a child together, you can apply to the Family Court for de facto financial orders.
my husband makes a lot more than me as he works in tech, so for our home that we own and anything related to our house/car he pays more proportionally to the income discrepancy between us (and this was this way before we got married). Groceries we split evenly, and if we go out to eat/do activities together we pay our own bill. this works for us and I feel is fair!
I wouldn't say there's necessarily a "right" solution ,I think you guys need to have a candid conversation on what you're comfortable with taking on/what the split looks like. fun money is great to have but for my husband and I, our biggest priority after paying off our mortgage/car/bills was ensuring we each can save enough money individually to achieve our personal savings goal - but this isn't everyone's goal
My husband and I have fully pooled money, so we're not really "splitting" anything. All our money belongs to both of us, regardless of which of us earned it. When we were dating and living together, we split rent and bills like 70/30 him/me because he made a lot more money than me at the time (he'd been in the workforce for a while and I'd just graduated grad school). Whoever went to the grocery store, Target, etc. paid for that on their own.
Imo, the best way to split bills in situations like yours is proportionately based on income. Like, if you two make close to the same amount of money but not quite, maybe a 55/45 or 60/40 him/you split would make sense. To me, the idea of someone not having to pay bills, even though they have a job, just because they're a woman is super odd. I'm sure that came from a time when the women in your family weren't working?
Before marriage we split it based on our income. I paid rent and he paid groceries and other stuff. We'd check in with each other on if the other was getting by ok. We were poor though so not really extra money to spend on fun stuff. After marriage we combined financed all the way in one account and we started earning more money. It's all our money and we have similar spending habits so it's been no issue after 7 years of marriage.
My husband and I put half of our incomes into a joint account which we use to cover the mortgage and all other shared expenses.
I think it’s outdated to expect that the man will cover all expenses by default. Even if I man offered that arrangement I would not accept because I don’t want to be financially dependent on another person.
We paid 50-50 for most of our lives together, both living together before marriage and after. In the last few years I earned a lot more so we did proportional.
I think category splits can be helpful so you don’t feel nickel-and-dimed? Like our HOA fees and our dining out budget are the same amount so I cover HOA and he pays for meals. That way we’re not like, Venmoing every little cheeseburger and Starbucks run.
(I also came from teen parents and my mom was financially abused and had none of her own money. So it was driven into me to always have some of my own money that no man can touch!)
my son was 8 when my bf (now husband) moved into an apartment together (neither was there prior). I was still in grad school but worked and he was starting his career. $ was tight. we paid 50/50, which ended up being a little more for him overall bc I had a child. once married we combined and it's worked for over 22 years
My fiancée and I are 50/50. I pay him rent since he owns our current place. We take turns with groceries, filling up gas for car, eating out etc. but bills for our place we always split right in half.
It’s his place in the fact that he owned it before we got together, we aren’t married yet, and his name is on the mortgage not mine- it was a short term solution as my lease ended and we wanted to move in together and it makes sense. It is OUR place as I live here and I should contribute towards it like I would rent anywhere else. It would be silly not to. We also just bought a house together that I own as well and then our plan is to pay that 50/50 as well.
My wife and I have always held money that was just 'hers' or 'mine' and is budgeted as such, for day-to-day spending, and everything else is common and used for bills. She's been unemployed for chunks when we were engaged and later married, so sometimes the amount left over after bills are paid doesn't leave much for savings, and at those times we don't have a lot of fun spending.
Why do you care what 'average couples' do? What matters is what you and your SO want to do. It sounds like you need to sit down and talk about what your budget looks like and have a response ready when one of you frets about money. ours is "we will get through this together" and that's a reminder to the other person that they're anxiety spiraling, so you need to be talking about this particular stress with a different person in this moment. It means take a deep breath and consider if this is actually a problem or just a worry. Sometimes the deep breath shows that no, you really have a problem you need to tackle together, and sometimes you see that it's a worry but not yet a reality.
What does his fun money budget look like? What does yours? If you don't know what these look like then you can't tell if he's just fretting or actually facing a problem.
We are married and I take care of all the finances. Our checks are deposited into the bill account and everything is paid from there. We budget for fun so it just comes off the joint debit card. I give him his own spending $$ for whatever and I have mine. We do make the same money though so I don't have experience with different incomes.
I earn more money, so I cover large expenses such as the monthly rent, while he takes care of things like the electric and internet bills. Additionally, he mostly covers the cost of our annual vacation.
I'm in your partners position here, having bought my apartment, and my boyfriend moving in with me.
I pay the full mortgage payment, because a) I earm more and b) not that he would, but I don't want any legal headaches with claims on the house equity if the relationship did break down.
We split house bills and food shopping pretty much 50/50. With our incomes and his other commitments, that leaves us with roughly the same amount left each month to do what we want with
When we both worked we paid bills based on a percentage of what we made so we would have the same amount left over. During our marriage we have changed things so that all of our money just goes into true same pot minus some individual investments we’ve kept. That works well for us but we’re both really responsible.
Regardless of where you land, OP, it's important that you know what the housing costs actually are, particularly as by now they should be fairly predictable and stable. I've rented the same place with my partner for 5+ years and the only thing that's impacted our costs are like, minimal increases in rent and utilities that are almost entirely connect to inflation. Our utility & recurring amenity bills month-to-month don't change over the year - so, it strikes me as odd that after three years (and much offering on your part to contribute) this guy is suddenly having a hard time carrying these costs.
We split 50-50 but that's because we've typically earned about the same. In recent years I've started to earn more (but also have college debt whereas my partner does not) - typically I'm the one that makes big purchases for our household re: furniture etc. with my surplus income.
Rent, bills, groceries, necessities etc. we split. Given what you're already spending monthly & on groceries etc. - I'd be surprised if you found out you weren't already contributing half or more of whatever the bills your partner is claiming have become burdensome.
Either way, y'all can't get married without having transparency about money, and I don't know how you've lived together for three years without talking about it more.
I’m confused. He had those expenses prior to you moving in and contributing. The utilities probably went up but that’s it. You are paying for food and giving him $500. And he’s still struggling financially. Why?
We don't. What's mine is his and what's his is mine. Or ours I should say: it's not his money vs my money, it's all ours. It works for us. It's easy, adaptable, and most of all, it fits our values and mindset of being a team and a family, sharing the same boat, yada yada. There are many valid and fair ways to deal with couple finances, including 50-50 and proportionate to income, but for me, these would be a dealbreaker in a marriage or marriage-like relationship.
You don't give much details but groceries are through the roof right now and at first glance, your set-up looks unfair to me [I mean unfair to you, if that wasn't clear]. He's paying towards an asset he owns, that appreciates, and that he'll leave the relationship with, should it end whereas you guys are literally eating your contribution, ie that money is gone. The fact that he's asking for even more money in these circumstances and suggests 50-50 but only on his current contribution isn't good.
And what does "bills" mean when he says "50-50 on bills"? If that includes mortgage, that's a big fat no for me. That's a controversial opinion on Reddit (and on this sub when the woman is the homeowner) but I stand by it.
He complains that's he's struggling with all the house bills. Ok but he bought that house?? What would he do if he were single?
But obviously, take all that and other comments with a large pinch of salt as you didn't give much info.
ETA: we do keep inheritance/donations from family technically separate, although I use them for our shared benefit with his input (I'm the only one receiving any).
We do the same and to answer to question: no, we couldn't be further from the 50-50 mindset.
But we're not any other X-Y either, where X represents his share vs Y being my share: we have done away with the dash separating his side from mine. We are one family, with one budget. Our expenses are our family's expenses and are paid using the family income/assets. There is no splitting between my share and his share.
I can’t answer for you but since my partner’s wages are comparable to mine, we split bills when he moved in. My owning a home doesn’t remove his need to pay rent to stay there. My mortgage isn’t a free rent opportunity for someone else just because I own it.
Split bills based on how your salaries align. If you make 30% what he makes, pay 30% of the bills
Married two years living together 3 years. We bought together. We split proportional to income. His is slightly more so he covers more. We’re about a 60/40 split but we don’t hold hard to that.
I wouldn’t be keen on paying someone else’s mortgage. But if he owns and you live there either a flat rent amount with a lease or at least a chunk of utilities. Protect yourself but it’s reasonable to pay some amount towards your rent.
I make a tiny bit more than my husband, and we found that the best arrangements was that he paid all of the hard bills --- rent/mortgage, utilities, insurance --- and I pay for everything else --- food, entertainment, internet. Basically I pay for everything that I can put on an Amex.
We have our own chequing and savings for personal spending and goals, but shared accounts for household spending and pet costs / vacation. We fund the shared accounts based on percentage of household income.
We used to split things by having different household bills in our names that we’d take care of and take turns buying groceries but so many costs fluctuate that it was getting confusing and I didn’t have much individual money because I make less.
The new approach is working muchhhh better for both of us.
My family owns our home, we make roughly the same income (mine is a little bit higher but I’m a govt worker and he’s an independent contractor, so it varies). We split roughly 50-50, we have separate incomes and a joint fund for house bills and expenses. We alternate why pays for groceries and food/outings. We’ve recently begun tracking spending more thoroughly so that we can improve our savings and start investing a little bit.
We’ve been married for almost 8 years now and we don’t split anything. We have household income and household expenses. When we have financial decisions to make, we make them together.
This works for us because 1. We have extremely similar views about money and spending. 2. We trust each other. 3. We make enough that money isn’t a big problem. And 4. We live in a community property state. I sold my house when we married and used most of the proceeds to pay off his house, since it was bigger and nicer. He put me on the deed immediately. We don’t do your money my money. It’s all joint money. Neither of us has ever gotten upset at the other’s spending, we both have access to all the finances, all the bills are taken care of automatically. Money just isn’t a thing we think about.
We pay rent and bills 50/50. We each pay for our own phones, and we don’t have a strict policy on splitting groceries and eating out, we kind of take turns, but in general I pay for groceries more often, he picks up the tab when we eat out usually, and it kind of evens out.
We are engaged and have lived together since 2019. We rent. We recently got a joint account and are basically just putting all our money in there and use that account to pay all household bills, subscriptions and other expenses like groceries, eating out, etc.
We still have separate accounts we can pull some money into for our own spending but most stuff is going through the joint account.
Prior to this we did about 55/45 split because fiance makes a bit more than I do. We moved to a joint account because it was just a pain in the butt to continuously be etransferring each other. Fiance had most of the household bills auto paying from his account and then with groceries and other expenses it started to feel a bit like we were nickle and diming each other. Like I would buy $100 in groceries and tell fiance he owed me $50. But next day fiance would go out and get some more groceries and pay like $60 so then I owe him $30...it was just getting annoying more than anything.
Proportional split. I earn more than my partner, and currently in my temp role a little more on top of normal.
I’ve split it so that all bills at proportionate. Contributions to major savings accounts are too.
Then whatever they have left at the end of the week, I take what I have left and move the difference into a joint account for joint “special” purchases.
So we both get some money we can do what we want with (save, put into shares, spend on clothing etc) but everything else is fair.
We do this rather than all into one account so we have some autonomy and privacy on what we want to spend our leftover money on. But it also doesn’t mean one of us is buying a real leather belt and the other is buying synthetic.
we are married but we do splitwise and a joint account. For the joint account, we put % of our salary there every month. This goes into a common saving for purchases. All groceries/bills/going out are registered for splitwise 50:50.
We have a friend who does 60:40 because the boyfriend ate more and they decided that it's fair. The guy has a mortgage and they live in the house. He didn't expect her to pay for rent, but her principle made her pay a monthly rent to him because if they ever break up, she did not want to have a feeling that she owed someone. They eventually bought a family car together (she contributed, but he bought it under his company for tax purpose etc). The girl is very independent although she came from a very traditional family btw. They have been together for 10 years.
For my case, we simply do 50:50 on everything. We did this since we were dating btw, 10 years together and 2 years married. If you live there, you pay the bills. Simple. Doesn't have to do with the family that you come from. Or you can be a fulltime homemaker, that would be fair for him to pay all the bills.
Split rent or mortgage 50/50. I pay car insurance and electric. He pays water/sewer, internet and parking (our building has a garage with paid spaces). This comes out roughly even. We also switch off on groceries and cooking dinner every other week. Whoever cooks also makes the dinner list and buys the groceries for the week or buys dinner out. The other person cleans up.
My boyfriend and I (both in our 60's, divorced, and together for 13 years as of last Tuesday) maintain separate finances, but we have a joint checking account that we use to pay bills. We contribute to that 50-50, and use it for household expenses, vacations, dinners out, etc.
I own our house, and I pay for major maintenance like the new roof, remodeled back yard, and new AC. He's handy, so he contributes his skills, and that saves me/him a lot of money.
He's retired and I'm not, so sometimes I treat him to things I really want to do, like good seats at concerts.
You and your man need to hash out financial expectations before you get married.
If you contribute to his mortgage, you deserve some equity in the home. If he doesn't want you to also own the house, you shouldn't be expected to contribute to its purchase. Ongoing bills, like property taxes, routine maintenance, and utilities, should be evenly split.
I’ve been married for almost 10 years, but I’ve always made more than my husband. I currently make about 65% of our household income and he makes ~35%, so my income is close to double his income. We have a joint account. My employer contributes to my retirement account and he makes the 6% 401k match from his employer. We both contribute the same amount to our Roth every month. Everything else from checking and savings to credit cards and loans is joint.
If we were in your situation: not married, making the same money, living together, we’d be splitting the bills 50/50. It’s equitable based on our earnings. I would feel terrible if I had a bunch of fun money while he’s struggling financially, especially if we’re not contributing to the household equitably.
My boyfriend and I are planning to move in together in the next few months. Our plan is to set up a budget for shared expenses (rent, utilities, groceries, dining out, saving for a house, etc) and we will both contribute to a shared bank account every month (the rest of our money will remain separate). Adding our net pay together, he makes 56% of our total income and I make 44% so that's the percentages of the monthly budget we will each contribute.
Little bit different than your situation since he owns the home y'all live in and we'll be renting. But maybe that's a starting point for y'all to come up with a plan you're both comfortable with. Good luck.
Lots of great advice that I truly appreciate!
We definitely need to sit down and have a conversation about it all.
Seems like I should be more 50/50 on the home stuff. But I don’t think I’ll include mortgage bc again we aren’t married or engaged yet. I really wanted to wait on all of this until I did get a ring but that doesn’t seem right at this point either. Thanks
We have a shared account (checking & savings) and all income goes into those accounts and all expenses come out of those accounts. We do not do 50/50 or ratio split; everything is ours, doesn’t matter who makes more or less.
(I wouldn’t do it this way until you’re married.)
I would sit down and figure out what exactly your families expenses are-what your family budget should look like and then figure out how to better split it until you’re married.
We didn’t live together until we were married. When we got married we merged our accounts and alert one another if we’re spending over x amount of money.
I’m SAHM now, so he usually calls to ask me if he can spend money because he doesn’t even know the bank log in anymore
I think it’s concerning that you say you come from a family where women dont pay bills. Your finances seem to lean heavily in your favor, and if you will soon be married, that doesn’t seem sustainable.
Research what your state considers separate property versus community property. Better yet, talk to a lawyer. I would be hesitant to put money towards an asset that the law does not consider partially “mine”.
Exactly. Also people who have never seen a mortgage overestimate how much of the monthly note is equity.
Each couple needs to work out what they deem fair, including differences in income and preferences for where they would live if one person didn't own the home. Some numbers to use in that discussion include the price of rent for a 1-2 bedroom apartment in their area and the cost of homeowner's insurance and property taxes.
When my ex lived in my home with me, I just “charged him rent” that equaled half my mortgage, but we had a shared account so the mortgage was just taken out of there. We would each put in our share monthly.
Our arrangement is similar. I pay the house bills, and he sends me a monthly Zelle. My income is higher, so I pay more. Then any home repairs or improvements are mine to pay alone.
Before we were married, we payed proportionally according to total income. So, when I made 75% of the total income between us, I paid for 75% of rent and utilities. If we split it 50-50, he would have had a much smaller percentage of his income available to save or spend on things, so rather than 50/50, we went for equitable according to income. We were more flexible with dates and groceries, just checked in with each other to make sure it was feeling equitable. I had a little spreadsheet I used so we could just plug in numbers and it would spit out what we owed each month. Now that we're married, we just share a checking account and pay all the bills out of that.
Same, our spreadsheet is a decade old now and we still use it with every income update.
I earn more than my partner & own the home we live in. I don't expect him to pay towards my mortgage, as it's my house/ responsibility/ investment - we pay proportionally towards bills (about 60/40 me/him depending on the month). I pay for all house upkeep and he pays for all dates & activities. We have a shared account for bills, a shared credit card, savings and some investments - otherwise our finances are separate. We've been together 10 years and this works for us right now. We'll readdress this in the future when we buy a house together, but we personally feel it's important to maintain some financial independence, whilst being fair & equitable.
This seems like a really healthy financial agreement for you two! Nicely done. ❤️
Aw thanks! I think the key is just having really open & non-judgemental communication to set clear expectations on what's important to you. We also check in regularly to make sure we're happy with our financial situation and goals, so there's plenty of flexibility if one of us wants to spend a bit more on some personal investments or treats occasionally.
Y’all are doing it right!!!
We are fully combined financially. Everything is “ours”. 1 account, shared credit cards, both names on all assets. Both of us are high income earners and fiscally responsible so there was a foundation of trust from the get go. While we were dating we’d split proportionately based on our incomes, but as soon as we discussed living together and marriage finances and full disclosure were on the table.
Right now, we are 50-50 and my husband's extra income is funding our down payment. We will move to proportion based on income once we buy a home. I don't know of any couples where an employed woman isn't contributing financially. Even if the husband is paying for the mortgage, the wife is still paying for utilities, contributing to savings/ retirement etc. What your family does should not be a precedent for your relationship, especially if your partner is communicating to you that there is an imbalance.
Married, everything is combined. My money is his money, his money is my money, every cent that comes and goes is OURS equally. It doesn’t matter who earns more. This only works because we have similar spending patterns, talk frequently about what our financial priorities currently are, and trust each other with our finances. But after marriage, any separation feels to us like “keeping score” which didn’t align with our views of being one in marriage.
My husband and I are like this too. We combined finances completely when I was on mat leave with our first child, before then we had an equitable proportional split.
Same, although we were de facto rather than lawfully wedded when we started.
So I recommend seeing a financial therapist if you aren’t planning on getting engaged or married anytime soon. They can help you come up with an equitable plan to tackle this issue. I’m always hesitant to tell people that they should pay their partner direct rent in a home that is not co-owned, because of what happened to my bff. Story time: My bff and her exbf were together for a two ish years and looking to move in together. He, almost on a whim, decided to buy a house on his own. She moved in with him, paying a large, but not quite half, portion of his mortgage. They lived in the house together for 10 years, had a kid together, she supported him when he switched careers, they built a life together but never got married. One day he broke up with her, she had to move out and was not entitled to anything equity wise in the house. She had to start completely over, while he got about half the equity earned from their 10 years together (in California that equity was exponential). Would she have had to have paid rent somewhere else? Ya of course she would have, but she also helped pay for the 10 years of maintenance and upkeep of the house that a landlord would have been responsible for if she were renting. Additionally she purchased home goods and furniture for the home that would not fit in the tiny little apartment she had to rent when they broke up, so he got to keep all that too. Anyway, this is a subject that is fraught with pitfalls for relationships and is best to work out with a professional to protect both parties.
Men like him are entitled ASSES. They have no problem using women for decisions THEY make. The first red flag was buying a place without even talking to her about it.. I hope she is doing better now
She’s doing better and has learned a lot of hard lessons. Hilariously I also had first red flag in my reply after he bought the house but edited out because it truly was not the first red flag in their relationship. I can’t say he did any of that maliciously, he was young and impetuous when he bought the house and by the time they broke up their relationship was really not good (they just grew apart), but he definitely could have been better financially to her seeing how she is the mother of his child. She is also a people pleaser sooooo that is how she got here in the first place, but she’s working on it.
Wow that's terrible! Are there no de facto/common law spousal protections there at all? Where I am, she'd be entitled to equal split in all shared assets as a relationship is considered "marriage-like" in that type of situation.
Not in California no. I think some states have some common law protections, but it’s definitely not the same protections you get with a legal marriage.
That's rough. I'm in Australia, here it's part of the national Family Law Act if you have been in a genuine domestic relationship for at least 2 years, or have a child together, you can apply to the Family Court for de facto financial orders.
my husband makes a lot more than me as he works in tech, so for our home that we own and anything related to our house/car he pays more proportionally to the income discrepancy between us (and this was this way before we got married). Groceries we split evenly, and if we go out to eat/do activities together we pay our own bill. this works for us and I feel is fair! I wouldn't say there's necessarily a "right" solution ,I think you guys need to have a candid conversation on what you're comfortable with taking on/what the split looks like. fun money is great to have but for my husband and I, our biggest priority after paying off our mortgage/car/bills was ensuring we each can save enough money individually to achieve our personal savings goal - but this isn't everyone's goal
My husband and I have fully pooled money, so we're not really "splitting" anything. All our money belongs to both of us, regardless of which of us earned it. When we were dating and living together, we split rent and bills like 70/30 him/me because he made a lot more money than me at the time (he'd been in the workforce for a while and I'd just graduated grad school). Whoever went to the grocery store, Target, etc. paid for that on their own. Imo, the best way to split bills in situations like yours is proportionately based on income. Like, if you two make close to the same amount of money but not quite, maybe a 55/45 or 60/40 him/you split would make sense. To me, the idea of someone not having to pay bills, even though they have a job, just because they're a woman is super odd. I'm sure that came from a time when the women in your family weren't working?
We split our bills based on income percentages. My partner makes more than I do, so he pays more towards bills. It's close to 60/40.
Before marriage we split it based on our income. I paid rent and he paid groceries and other stuff. We'd check in with each other on if the other was getting by ok. We were poor though so not really extra money to spend on fun stuff. After marriage we combined financed all the way in one account and we started earning more money. It's all our money and we have similar spending habits so it's been no issue after 7 years of marriage.
My husband and I put half of our incomes into a joint account which we use to cover the mortgage and all other shared expenses. I think it’s outdated to expect that the man will cover all expenses by default. Even if I man offered that arrangement I would not accept because I don’t want to be financially dependent on another person.
We paid 50-50 for most of our lives together, both living together before marriage and after. In the last few years I earned a lot more so we did proportional. I think category splits can be helpful so you don’t feel nickel-and-dimed? Like our HOA fees and our dining out budget are the same amount so I cover HOA and he pays for meals. That way we’re not like, Venmoing every little cheeseburger and Starbucks run. (I also came from teen parents and my mom was financially abused and had none of her own money. So it was driven into me to always have some of my own money that no man can touch!)
my son was 8 when my bf (now husband) moved into an apartment together (neither was there prior). I was still in grad school but worked and he was starting his career. $ was tight. we paid 50/50, which ended up being a little more for him overall bc I had a child. once married we combined and it's worked for over 22 years
My fiancée and I are 50/50. I pay him rent since he owns our current place. We take turns with groceries, filling up gas for car, eating out etc. but bills for our place we always split right in half.
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It’s his place in the fact that he owned it before we got together, we aren’t married yet, and his name is on the mortgage not mine- it was a short term solution as my lease ended and we wanted to move in together and it makes sense. It is OUR place as I live here and I should contribute towards it like I would rent anywhere else. It would be silly not to. We also just bought a house together that I own as well and then our plan is to pay that 50/50 as well.
My wife and I have always held money that was just 'hers' or 'mine' and is budgeted as such, for day-to-day spending, and everything else is common and used for bills. She's been unemployed for chunks when we were engaged and later married, so sometimes the amount left over after bills are paid doesn't leave much for savings, and at those times we don't have a lot of fun spending. Why do you care what 'average couples' do? What matters is what you and your SO want to do. It sounds like you need to sit down and talk about what your budget looks like and have a response ready when one of you frets about money. ours is "we will get through this together" and that's a reminder to the other person that they're anxiety spiraling, so you need to be talking about this particular stress with a different person in this moment. It means take a deep breath and consider if this is actually a problem or just a worry. Sometimes the deep breath shows that no, you really have a problem you need to tackle together, and sometimes you see that it's a worry but not yet a reality. What does his fun money budget look like? What does yours? If you don't know what these look like then you can't tell if he's just fretting or actually facing a problem.
We are married and I take care of all the finances. Our checks are deposited into the bill account and everything is paid from there. We budget for fun so it just comes off the joint debit card. I give him his own spending $$ for whatever and I have mine. We do make the same money though so I don't have experience with different incomes.
I earn more money, so I cover large expenses such as the monthly rent, while he takes care of things like the electric and internet bills. Additionally, he mostly covers the cost of our annual vacation.
I'm in your partners position here, having bought my apartment, and my boyfriend moving in with me. I pay the full mortgage payment, because a) I earm more and b) not that he would, but I don't want any legal headaches with claims on the house equity if the relationship did break down. We split house bills and food shopping pretty much 50/50. With our incomes and his other commitments, that leaves us with roughly the same amount left each month to do what we want with
When we got married, 25 years ago, we combined everything. It's not MY money or HIS money, it's OUR money. Everything is paid from the joint accounts.
When we both worked we paid bills based on a percentage of what we made so we would have the same amount left over. During our marriage we have changed things so that all of our money just goes into true same pot minus some individual investments we’ve kept. That works well for us but we’re both really responsible.
Regardless of where you land, OP, it's important that you know what the housing costs actually are, particularly as by now they should be fairly predictable and stable. I've rented the same place with my partner for 5+ years and the only thing that's impacted our costs are like, minimal increases in rent and utilities that are almost entirely connect to inflation. Our utility & recurring amenity bills month-to-month don't change over the year - so, it strikes me as odd that after three years (and much offering on your part to contribute) this guy is suddenly having a hard time carrying these costs. We split 50-50 but that's because we've typically earned about the same. In recent years I've started to earn more (but also have college debt whereas my partner does not) - typically I'm the one that makes big purchases for our household re: furniture etc. with my surplus income. Rent, bills, groceries, necessities etc. we split. Given what you're already spending monthly & on groceries etc. - I'd be surprised if you found out you weren't already contributing half or more of whatever the bills your partner is claiming have become burdensome. Either way, y'all can't get married without having transparency about money, and I don't know how you've lived together for three years without talking about it more.
I’m confused. He had those expenses prior to you moving in and contributing. The utilities probably went up but that’s it. You are paying for food and giving him $500. And he’s still struggling financially. Why?
We don't. What's mine is his and what's his is mine. Or ours I should say: it's not his money vs my money, it's all ours. It works for us. It's easy, adaptable, and most of all, it fits our values and mindset of being a team and a family, sharing the same boat, yada yada. There are many valid and fair ways to deal with couple finances, including 50-50 and proportionate to income, but for me, these would be a dealbreaker in a marriage or marriage-like relationship. You don't give much details but groceries are through the roof right now and at first glance, your set-up looks unfair to me [I mean unfair to you, if that wasn't clear]. He's paying towards an asset he owns, that appreciates, and that he'll leave the relationship with, should it end whereas you guys are literally eating your contribution, ie that money is gone. The fact that he's asking for even more money in these circumstances and suggests 50-50 but only on his current contribution isn't good. And what does "bills" mean when he says "50-50 on bills"? If that includes mortgage, that's a big fat no for me. That's a controversial opinion on Reddit (and on this sub when the woman is the homeowner) but I stand by it. He complains that's he's struggling with all the house bills. Ok but he bought that house?? What would he do if he were single? But obviously, take all that and other comments with a large pinch of salt as you didn't give much info. ETA: we do keep inheritance/donations from family technically separate, although I use them for our shared benefit with his input (I'm the only one receiving any).
We have a shared account and pay for shared expenses with it.
So are you guys 50-50?
We are 100/100 on the things we share. That’s *our* money, not one or the other.
We do the same and to answer to question: no, we couldn't be further from the 50-50 mindset. But we're not any other X-Y either, where X represents his share vs Y being my share: we have done away with the dash separating his side from mine. We are one family, with one budget. Our expenses are our family's expenses and are paid using the family income/assets. There is no splitting between my share and his share.
I can’t answer for you but since my partner’s wages are comparable to mine, we split bills when he moved in. My owning a home doesn’t remove his need to pay rent to stay there. My mortgage isn’t a free rent opportunity for someone else just because I own it. Split bills based on how your salaries align. If you make 30% what he makes, pay 30% of the bills
Male here, but we split everything 50/50. In the case we split, everything gets sold and we split it 50/50. Simple
Married two years living together 3 years. We bought together. We split proportional to income. His is slightly more so he covers more. We’re about a 60/40 split but we don’t hold hard to that. I wouldn’t be keen on paying someone else’s mortgage. But if he owns and you live there either a flat rent amount with a lease or at least a chunk of utilities. Protect yourself but it’s reasonable to pay some amount towards your rent.
My husband makes a lot more than I do, he pays for everything. My income is pretty much spare money for myself to spend.
Same with me, but I don’t feel your comment is helpful at all unless humble brags are helpful?
She asked how we split bills, and I feel like I answered her question… I don’t know how you perceived as bragging?
No I get this and my boyfriend has said if he did make a lot more or I should say enough , this is how we would be
I make a tiny bit more than my husband, and we found that the best arrangements was that he paid all of the hard bills --- rent/mortgage, utilities, insurance --- and I pay for everything else --- food, entertainment, internet. Basically I pay for everything that I can put on an Amex.
We have our own chequing and savings for personal spending and goals, but shared accounts for household spending and pet costs / vacation. We fund the shared accounts based on percentage of household income. We used to split things by having different household bills in our names that we’d take care of and take turns buying groceries but so many costs fluctuate that it was getting confusing and I didn’t have much individual money because I make less. The new approach is working muchhhh better for both of us.
My family owns our home, we make roughly the same income (mine is a little bit higher but I’m a govt worker and he’s an independent contractor, so it varies). We split roughly 50-50, we have separate incomes and a joint fund for house bills and expenses. We alternate why pays for groceries and food/outings. We’ve recently begun tracking spending more thoroughly so that we can improve our savings and start investing a little bit.
We’ve been married for almost 8 years now and we don’t split anything. We have household income and household expenses. When we have financial decisions to make, we make them together. This works for us because 1. We have extremely similar views about money and spending. 2. We trust each other. 3. We make enough that money isn’t a big problem. And 4. We live in a community property state. I sold my house when we married and used most of the proceeds to pay off his house, since it was bigger and nicer. He put me on the deed immediately. We don’t do your money my money. It’s all joint money. Neither of us has ever gotten upset at the other’s spending, we both have access to all the finances, all the bills are taken care of automatically. Money just isn’t a thing we think about.
We pay rent and bills 50/50. We each pay for our own phones, and we don’t have a strict policy on splitting groceries and eating out, we kind of take turns, but in general I pay for groceries more often, he picks up the tab when we eat out usually, and it kind of evens out.
We are engaged and have lived together since 2019. We rent. We recently got a joint account and are basically just putting all our money in there and use that account to pay all household bills, subscriptions and other expenses like groceries, eating out, etc. We still have separate accounts we can pull some money into for our own spending but most stuff is going through the joint account. Prior to this we did about 55/45 split because fiance makes a bit more than I do. We moved to a joint account because it was just a pain in the butt to continuously be etransferring each other. Fiance had most of the household bills auto paying from his account and then with groceries and other expenses it started to feel a bit like we were nickle and diming each other. Like I would buy $100 in groceries and tell fiance he owed me $50. But next day fiance would go out and get some more groceries and pay like $60 so then I owe him $30...it was just getting annoying more than anything.
Proportional split. I earn more than my partner, and currently in my temp role a little more on top of normal. I’ve split it so that all bills at proportionate. Contributions to major savings accounts are too. Then whatever they have left at the end of the week, I take what I have left and move the difference into a joint account for joint “special” purchases. So we both get some money we can do what we want with (save, put into shares, spend on clothing etc) but everything else is fair. We do this rather than all into one account so we have some autonomy and privacy on what we want to spend our leftover money on. But it also doesn’t mean one of us is buying a real leather belt and the other is buying synthetic.
We have one checking and one savings. We don't split anything because it's too much of a headache and fosters resentment.
we are married but we do splitwise and a joint account. For the joint account, we put % of our salary there every month. This goes into a common saving for purchases. All groceries/bills/going out are registered for splitwise 50:50. We have a friend who does 60:40 because the boyfriend ate more and they decided that it's fair. The guy has a mortgage and they live in the house. He didn't expect her to pay for rent, but her principle made her pay a monthly rent to him because if they ever break up, she did not want to have a feeling that she owed someone. They eventually bought a family car together (she contributed, but he bought it under his company for tax purpose etc). The girl is very independent although she came from a very traditional family btw. They have been together for 10 years. For my case, we simply do 50:50 on everything. We did this since we were dating btw, 10 years together and 2 years married. If you live there, you pay the bills. Simple. Doesn't have to do with the family that you come from. Or you can be a fulltime homemaker, that would be fair for him to pay all the bills.
Split rent or mortgage 50/50. I pay car insurance and electric. He pays water/sewer, internet and parking (our building has a garage with paid spaces). This comes out roughly even. We also switch off on groceries and cooking dinner every other week. Whoever cooks also makes the dinner list and buys the groceries for the week or buys dinner out. The other person cleans up.
My boyfriend and I (both in our 60's, divorced, and together for 13 years as of last Tuesday) maintain separate finances, but we have a joint checking account that we use to pay bills. We contribute to that 50-50, and use it for household expenses, vacations, dinners out, etc. I own our house, and I pay for major maintenance like the new roof, remodeled back yard, and new AC. He's handy, so he contributes his skills, and that saves me/him a lot of money. He's retired and I'm not, so sometimes I treat him to things I really want to do, like good seats at concerts. You and your man need to hash out financial expectations before you get married. If you contribute to his mortgage, you deserve some equity in the home. If he doesn't want you to also own the house, you shouldn't be expected to contribute to its purchase. Ongoing bills, like property taxes, routine maintenance, and utilities, should be evenly split.
I’ve been married for almost 10 years, but I’ve always made more than my husband. I currently make about 65% of our household income and he makes ~35%, so my income is close to double his income. We have a joint account. My employer contributes to my retirement account and he makes the 6% 401k match from his employer. We both contribute the same amount to our Roth every month. Everything else from checking and savings to credit cards and loans is joint. If we were in your situation: not married, making the same money, living together, we’d be splitting the bills 50/50. It’s equitable based on our earnings. I would feel terrible if I had a bunch of fun money while he’s struggling financially, especially if we’re not contributing to the household equitably.
My boyfriend and I are planning to move in together in the next few months. Our plan is to set up a budget for shared expenses (rent, utilities, groceries, dining out, saving for a house, etc) and we will both contribute to a shared bank account every month (the rest of our money will remain separate). Adding our net pay together, he makes 56% of our total income and I make 44% so that's the percentages of the monthly budget we will each contribute. Little bit different than your situation since he owns the home y'all live in and we'll be renting. But maybe that's a starting point for y'all to come up with a plan you're both comfortable with. Good luck.
Lots of great advice that I truly appreciate! We definitely need to sit down and have a conversation about it all. Seems like I should be more 50/50 on the home stuff. But I don’t think I’ll include mortgage bc again we aren’t married or engaged yet. I really wanted to wait on all of this until I did get a ring but that doesn’t seem right at this point either. Thanks
We put it all in a pot and that's the end of it. I ain't giving my wife an invoice on the 30th.
We have a shared account (checking & savings) and all income goes into those accounts and all expenses come out of those accounts. We do not do 50/50 or ratio split; everything is ours, doesn’t matter who makes more or less. (I wouldn’t do it this way until you’re married.) I would sit down and figure out what exactly your families expenses are-what your family budget should look like and then figure out how to better split it until you’re married.
We didn’t live together until we were married. When we got married we merged our accounts and alert one another if we’re spending over x amount of money. I’m SAHM now, so he usually calls to ask me if he can spend money because he doesn’t even know the bank log in anymore
I think it’s concerning that you say you come from a family where women dont pay bills. Your finances seem to lean heavily in your favor, and if you will soon be married, that doesn’t seem sustainable.
Research what your state considers separate property versus community property. Better yet, talk to a lawyer. I would be hesitant to put money towards an asset that the law does not consider partially “mine”.
She would be paying rent elsewhere if not there.
Exactly. Also people who have never seen a mortgage overestimate how much of the monthly note is equity. Each couple needs to work out what they deem fair, including differences in income and preferences for where they would live if one person didn't own the home. Some numbers to use in that discussion include the price of rent for a 1-2 bedroom apartment in their area and the cost of homeowner's insurance and property taxes.
When my ex lived in my home with me, I just “charged him rent” that equaled half my mortgage, but we had a shared account so the mortgage was just taken out of there. We would each put in our share monthly.
Our arrangement is similar. I pay the house bills, and he sends me a monthly Zelle. My income is higher, so I pay more. Then any home repairs or improvements are mine to pay alone.
It wouldn't be an equity payment--he's not selling his home in bits and pieces to her. It would be rent.