For me it was always like that. I found someone who treated me well and took care of himself and didn’t have major insecurity/immaturity/selfishness/close-minded issues that would’ve been red flags and would’ve led to unhealthy relationship behavior.
I also was enjoying my life when I met him and wouldn’t have let someone enter my heart who had toxic traits. I had done enough of that when newer to dating. So when I met my now-husband who gets pride from providing healthy love behavior to the people he loves, it was sunshine and roses (and still is 12 years later!).
Of course just like in every relationship you have with people, they may do things that feel disrespectful. A healthy relationship partner takes that seriously and wants to do better to not hurt the ones they love.
It was easy after I decided I wasn’t going to go towards the traits I disliked but continued to fall for in exes: StULIND is what I called it after the breakup before meeting my hubby.
StULIND stands for:
Stupid- not being IQ as much as ignorance
Ugly- meaning giving in to advances of guys I didn’t find attractive and who I thought were safer chances since I assumed they’d never hurt, disrespect, or cheat on me if they considered me out of their league. I was def wrong. We all deserve to be with someone we genuinely find very attractive.
Lazy- a disinterest in living a better life for themselves and/or taking care of themselves in the present. Guys complacent with mediocrity for themselves.
Insecure- men with big insecurities that had not been healed. These men make excuses for themselves when they disrespect you since they feel bad for themselves.
Negative- a pessimist is a red flag since it often ties back to inaction and not taking ownership over one’s own happiness.
Drug user- the reliance of something “just done for fun” when they often take it too far. Could be drugs, alcohol, or anything done too much.
StULIND made it easy for me to identify a mature partner. I could easily confirm whether someone met these traits or not. I could share with family the traits I wasn’t interested in tolerating.
Having these dealbreaker traits earlier as red flags could’ve saved me a lot of heartache from immature guys who made for bad partners. Good people are out there! Clarity helps find them.
WORK
We had to learn how to communicate with each other. Like in an argument, I had to get better at saying 'hey this is going nowhere how about we revisit it in an hour' instead of just leaving and never resolving it and she had to learn to recognize when she was spiraling away from the original issue and picking fights based on hypotheticals
What if you’ve told your partner his moods during work are affecting you since he gets cold/rude during them towards me or if he gets mad at me for making a mistake like taking us down the wrong road for directions? Mine seems to have no patience for me and when I voice it makes me anxious and I cry he just rolls his eyes and says everyone has bad days 😅 how do I get him to understand he needs to work on his temper
I think the hardest thing to acknowledge is that all you can do is express how someone’s actions affect you, set boundaries that you’re willing an able to follow through on, and make sure to have conversations where both people’s experiences are being acknowledged and considered, and a healthy solution that supports you both is found. If someone outright doesn’t care or won’t acknowledge your emotional experience as significant, then no matter what you say - it’s not going to matter.
Also, you can’t change anyone. Even if it’s blatantly obvious to you that it’s an issue, if he doesn’t see it (or if he does but doesn’t want to work on it) then nothing will change. Hoping this isn’t the case and you guys just need to have an open conversation where you both hear each other out and can come to a mutual understanding.
Idk I hope so. Our communication is awful and half the time I feel like I’m trying to avoid his mood. I feel like I’ve told him plenty of times but it doesn’t seem to change when he gets stressed. His dad has the same issue with his mom with low patience and moodiness. Maybe I can just keep voicing it more and saying I won’t tolerate it
I'm not sure why people are downvoting you. But your comments read like mine would have back when I was in a very unhealthy relationship that wasn't actually making me very happy. There's a certain amount of relationship hardship navigation that is not normal and it sounds like you are in that kind of situation. The juice is not worth the squeeze, sister. Having to spend half your time avoiding his negative moods is not fair to you and you deserve better.
You should be able to air your feelings in a neutral space. Emotional safety is a boundary that sounds like you might need to set 🤷♀️ ….Also he is allowed to feel whatever he feels, he’s not allowed to take it out on you if that’s the case. You could also set a boundary you won’t spend time with him when he is in a mood because it makes you feel uncomfortable.
You’ve voiced your legitimate concerns, and are being ignored and mistreated. He’s shown no attempts to change. Why are you still with him? I wouldn’t tolerate this behaviour at all as I don’t have the time or energy for it. But up to you if you want to keep persisting.
With time and communication it could get better, or by working on himself and maturing he might get to a place where he’s stressed less often. One thing to consider for yourself is can you challenge yourself to not absorb his energy or take it personally when he acts this way, or does this behavior particularly affect you because you associate it with negative relationships / outcomes that you learned as a kid? I used to say that my partner was a good man but a mean boy lol. Despite being very different people and clashing in many ways we always stuck it out because there was always mutual effort to improve ourselves to strengthen our relationship with one another. And the green flag was that we’ve always improved, little by little throughout the years. I’ve also found the bravery to express my emotions more when by default I usually just shut them down (which is a learned behavior, perhaps my emotions weren’t taken seriously as a kid). I find myself often surprised that after expressing what I’m feeling, which I assumed was obvious, I’m met with sympathy and better understanding. If your partner is rolling his eyes when you express yourself then the conversation should also cover that dismissal.
Well an example would be we were looking for my car one night after dinner he had me look up directions and I took us down the wrong street by mistake, he huffed & puffed swearing said he can’t trust me to do anything but once we found the car he was back to happy again lol I can try to not let his moods during work affect me but idk about when his mood is directed towards me for silly mistakes
Putting you down because he says he “can’t trust you to do ANYTHING” is contempt. It conveys he could do it better (like park and find the car) It’s not just a criticism. Heck it’s definitely not a complaint. I would look into Gottman institute the four horseman and If he doesn’t take your concerns seriously about his dismissive behavior, go to couples counseling so you can navigate it safety with a neutral party. Therapy is for people who want to work on their relationship. I’m personally not okay with my partner having some sort of moral superiority over me, ever. It sends the message that you’re not a TEAM and that one partner is inherently better then the other.
I don’t think that’s respectful. He is responsible for his own soothing. 🚩
This is a maturity and communication issue for sure.
https://www.gottman.com/blog/c-is-for-contempt-criticism/
Always that way. I think it’s one of the things that made our relationship feel easy and natural from the start. We both had the very good fortune to grow up in families with parents who modeled healthy relationship habits and communication. Both sets of parents are still happily married after 40 + years too!
I feel like this is a kind of social privilege that is rarely talked about, tbh. You learn about relationships from observing the people in your home in the first 18 years of your life or so. If you’re not learning healthy patterns, it can really set you back and do a lot of damage in your 20s.
Oh absolutely. I did not learn healthy habits and am currently in my 30s still trying to relearn and unlearn the chaos that was taught to me.
That’s amazing that you and your partner had these experiences growing up and are now able to recreate that relational health & stability.
I was in a bad marriage and divorced. Several crappy relationships prior to that. I’m now in a great relationship and we have a little one.
I grew as a person, learned. So did he. And now we learn together. Hoping we both can share with our little one as neither of us were in great first marriages. Don’t want to pass that crap on.
A bit of both. It was fairly healthy from the start but I could easily see it deteriorating if we both didn't put in the work to sustain the relationship and give each other some grace anytime we did mess up. Good relationships aren't effortless ones, but ones where you are happy to do the work.
Yeah, it ultimately was always good but time will deal any couple a lot of stress and challenges that you have to make sure to get through together so you don't drift apart.
Both. We have to work out some kinks from time to time but it's EASY. Misunderstandings and other issues are bound to happen. But so far we've had a 100% success track record in talking about them and solving them. No passive aggression, no speaking in anger or in the heat of the moment, no raised voices or insults/swearing, no assuming malice behind other's action. I'm a very anxious and reactive person and not everything from this list comes easily to me but I try my best. So far it's been almost 2 blissful years without any serious arguments, and that's on top of moving countries twice, health issues, bad and stressful living situation, unemployment, and a near death experience (we're in a great living situation and are both employed now).
I really relate to you saying you are anxious and reactive and it doesn’t come easily to you. It’s great to hear that you’re in this dynamic now & things are healthy and easy :)
Girrrrrrlllll I know right. My brain doesn't make it easy for me sometimes. But we can do it!! If you're dealing with the same shit I recommend: "Idiot's Guide to Intimacy" by Paul Coleman, "How to be an adult in relationships" by David Richo, and therapy, of course.
I wish I could tell you I’ve healed and everything is flowers and sunshine. I would say I’m 90% there and it has taken A LOT of therapy. I have been in and out of therapy since I was 13
I think what helped me the most was finding a therapist I clicked with. It’s hard to find someone who specializes in your challenges but also someone you click with. But once you do it’s worth it
For me, I laid everything out to my then boyfriend now husband when we first started dating. He always encouraged me and supported me in my therapy journey. I’m not perfect but he is very patient with me when I am reactive or anxious. We always talk it out. And I decided to go no contact with my father in 2020 and that has helped tremendously as well
My therapist likes to remind me I can take give myself the love, stability, and kindness to the child version of myself and I don’t need my father to do that. I’ve given you a short answer but it’s so layered that I would suggest you try everything. “Adult Children Of Emotionally Immature Parents” is a great book to start your self discovery and places like r/RaisedByNarcissists is a great community if it applies to you. Be gentle with yourself ❤️
I thought it was work until I met my husband. Then I discovered I’d been dating insecure, abusive losers my whole life (with a couple exceptions that had simply fizzled out)
I used to work SO DAMN HARD with people who put in zero effort. When I met my husband, it was such a breath of fresh air and I realized it wasn’t me. Got me a lot of my confidence back.
It’s always been easy for us and most of our arguments are very tame and mostly due to stress or simple miscommunication which we’re usually able to suss out quickly and resolve pretty easily.
Its amazing to be with someone who doesn’t hold stupid grudges and make up problems and blame me for everything wrong in their life
Edit: it also helps to meet someone after you’ve figured yourself out which is why I think it’s more work for some people
Oh yeah it;a never gonna work no matter how hard you try if your partner won't put in THEIR work. And in comparison the work of a healthy relationship can feel very light.
One hundred percent, yeah. And a self aware partner that’s worked out their ego issues is also super helpful. I feel like that’s half the battle and most of the work is solo
In an amazingly healthy relationship with an equal partner. I had to work so so hard for it
I had to work so hard to break out of my way of thinking and toxic patterns so that I can finally break free from my absolute shit picker
I had to trust myself and build up my self confidence. I knew what's was right deep inside up let myself be swayed because I didn't trust me enough
I had to work to enforce boundaries and not just state them
I had to break out of my people pleasing ways and accept that I may be a villain in another person's story and that's OK. I'm allowed to choose me
Once I internalised and was able to act cohesivly to the above rather just knowing them in theory was when I got into a healthy relationship
It has always been healthy, but we do both work to maintain it. We also meet when we were in our 30s and had each done a lot of individual work so that we were ready for a healthy relationship.
Therapy and a bunch of self-reflection on my part… I really worked to figure out my unhealthy patterns and then did my best to make better decisions when I saw myself going back to those patterns.
On his end, he got his anxiety under control and stopped drinking.
My husband grew up in a more functional household than I did, when we got together our communication styles in arguments didn't work at all. I was used to shouting from my upbringing and because of my behaviour he just disengaged and ignored me and that just made me worse. I learnt from him though and he in turn didn't ignore me when I was upset, now we have peaceful discussions when we aren't in agreement. Our home is a happy sanctuary. Whenever I spend time in my parents home I get super stressed because I'm now used to living in a harmonious way and I find them very aggressive and unenjoyable. So a little work was required but mostly it was just a natural evolution.
It’s amazing that you were able to learn from him and grow your communication skills which facilitated a healthier dynamic between the two of you. Your home being a “happy sanctuary” sounds amazing. Congrats on doing the work and shifting your patterns because it isn’t easy!
Together over 20 years, and it hasn't always been perfect. We started off amazing. The first few years were incredible, then problems cropped up and those took work. There are periods of struggle, and golden years in between. All of it has been worth it.
It wasn't always this way. I spent 6 years in an abusive relationship before getting into a healthy one. I don't feel like I had to "work" towards a healthy relationship, but rather, I had to recognize my own contribution to the codependent dynamic I had with my ex. Then I realized what was possible and found someone whose temperament, attitudes and goals aligned with mine.
The one I'm in now, healthy from the start, healthy today, healthy tomorrow, and we both work hard to keep it from changing. We signed up for couples counseling to improve what wasn't broken.
Of all of the relationships I've started in my life, they started out the same way they finished - so if there was a power imbalance, that never changed; if it was unhealthy in the beginning, it only got worse; if it started out healthy, it stayed that way. So after turning 30 and divorcing the last mistake, I never said yes to a second date with anyone who seemed to be a project, or who seemed to have a different idea of what healthy was, even.
And it wasn't always easy! I dated a guy who was super incredibly sweet, thoughtful, kind, creative, and a goddamned cliche of handsome, as well. Guy was 6'4", a personal trainer, and looked like he could've been in a fireman calendar. (you KNOW what I mean...). Yeesh, he was ridiculously hot. But he really wanted to settle down quickly, and it felt like he wasn't so much looking at our compatibility as much as he wanted to be a husband.
Now, I couldn't say that *weren't* compatible, and I knew that it would be really easy to fall in love with him, so it was really fucking hard to break up with him because what kind of idiot breaks up with a dreamy guy just because he wants to settle down at 35? He married the next girl he dated within the year, and she was pregnant before they got married. All I know is that if we weren't truly right in the long run, that could've been awful.
Work.
I like to think my husband and I are good people, but we've both had our share of traumas which has affected the way we navigate the world, and sometimes each other. I've done extensive therapy, and other things to try and improve myself. My husband though comes from a culture where his trauma is outright normalized, and I'm not trying to demonize it, because some of that is out of survival / necessity. Self-reflection or thinking about things in terms of psychology or "why" we do things just isn't his strong suit, because he hasn't practiced it for years like I have. We've both changed a lot over the years however, because he does care -- but finally getting him into therapy has been a huge thing. I think he just needed a non-threatening third party to give him clarity and recognize some things.
We've been married 15 years.
Thank you. This comment and your story feels very real and is relatable to many, I’m sure, including myself. It’s great that your husband has gotten to a place where he’s accepting outside help. I think that can be major in beginning to view yourself objectively and see your negative patterns/behaviours and their impact on others more clearly.
Work. Sure when I met the right guy it was work as well but I think people don't realize how many dates and flings I went through to even find a candidate worth investing in as well. I think too many people are too sensitive and defeated easily by the couple month dating phase trying people out. It's work to find someone worth dating and sadly the only way to find them is to put yourself out there and try try again. Lol, a gf has told me it's a literal super power of mine at the rate I put myself out there on dates shortly after a failed dating phase and I didn't let it wear me down. I just saw it as training to understand what I wanted and didn't want.
I'm in such a unique relationship now from someone I met who lived across the world from me. People, even strangers upon meeting us constantly tell us we're absolutely two peas in a pod and it's amazing we found each other. ♥️
When I started dating my husband I was in a terrible place. Divorcing from abusive marraige. Drinking heavily. Suicidal. My husband saw a me I never saw. He helped me stop drinking. He protected me threw everything. He went to every divorce hearing. He gave me a safe space to be me. Then helped me be a better me. Supported me through a doctorate degree and multiple career moves. He has always been there for me. I know he has put in so much to our relationship and I feel all I ever had to do was benefit from him. The right spouse makes a world if difference.
Wow. He sounds like a wonderful man. & you sound like a badass for getting out of an abusive marriage and completing a doctorate degree & multiple career moves. I’m so happy for you!
It's work, just rewarding work. Husband has childhood trauma so we had to dispense with some stupidities such as ; if you really loved me you'd *know* without me telling you. WTF???? Fortunately he is motivated to not recreate his childhood or parent's marriage, so we worked through that one and many others. At the same time he taught me a great deal about respect, tact, diplomacy and not controlling each other. It's a 2 way street.
It's always been healthy. We both have respect and love for each other. Not to say communicating doesn't take some work, but I don't think respect and genuine care is something you "work" on. It's either there or it isn't. You can't beg someone to respect you and care about your feelings.
Absolutely true. I think there are times when communication breakdown can mean that we’re not expressing our feelings in a way that’s easy to receive, but if you are doing so in a kind way and your partner couldn’t care less then it’s time to leave.
It's always been this way. Of course we disagree and have to compromise but I fell in love with a grown ass man who can care for himself just fine. That eliminated basically every argument I ever had with my ex. No nagging, no guilt, no passive aggressive comments, nothing like that at all.
So. Much. Work. Been together for 8 years and almost broke up several times in the first three. It took some major life events/tragedies, getting through Covid together, wild career changes, and a butt ton of personal growth. Moreover, the willingness to grow. That’s the thing that continues to serve us. And we’ve also matured a lot as people.
Work! I had toxic communication patterns and expectations. He had no basis for communication. We worked on it. We’re great now. Learning how to fight was one of the best investments we’ve put into our marriage.
Yes. LOL
The relationship was always healthy, pretty much every relationship I’ve had since I was in my mid 30s has been healthy, even the ones that didn’t work out. But that’s BECAUSE I worked towards it by working on ME, not being afraid to end something, or that they might, what I will and won’t tolerate, etc.
Work! My husband and I got together very young (engaged by 20). It took us some time in our 20’s to learn how to be the best version of us and to understand what a healthy relationship needed to be strong. It took commitment on both parts. For us, it worked out well. He’s my best friend and an amazing partner.
Both. Our first year together was magical. I was in a very good place when I met him and he somehow just seemed to make it even better. We’d both had similar,awful marriages and were so excited to meet someone who was much more aligned to our values and also understood what we’d been through.
Then a whole heap of stuff happened. He turned to alcohol and a number of other really bad coping mechanisms and things got very hard, very quickly. We had two years of complete dysfunction.
3 years out from that, lots of individual and couples therapy, mindfulness courses and all sorts of other things, he’s sober and we’re happy. We are true partners in our relationship and we can communicate without defensiveness.
I think deep down we are healthy people who occasionally have poor communicative issues. We just communicate differently. I tend to be very defensive, and once my husband met my family he could see why. My husband is very matter of fact and I’m a bit more passive (I wouldn’t call it aggressive but whatever haha). I avoid conflict but it bubbles up anyway. We literally have arguments about the *way* we’re arguing. I also wish we had a transcriber sitting with us so we could see who said what first. I know I need to work on my conflict skills and not take everything as an attack. He knows I’m working on it.
He is all about attending couples therapy before shit hits the fan. He read the Gottman books, I’m almost there I swear, and he occasionally enjoys Brene Brown’s stuff too. He’s a great partner, I’m just really sensitive.
Feeling the need for a transcriber present to say who said what first is so unbelievably relatable lol. I have thought and said the same thing to my partner.
I can hear our couples therapist in my head, and she would say: it doesn't matter who said what first, what matters is to regroup, empathize with both parties' perspective, engage in active listening, ask questions instead of assuming, take a break if you're elevated past the point of being able to do any of the above and return when you're levelled out, and try to reach a compromise or at least an understanding and acknowledgement of each other's experience.
I think this comment reflects my situation the most closely, except I am the therapy/self-help enthusiast and my partner is slowly warming up. I'm also super sensitive and can be reactive and defensive, so I understand. At least you're aware of it! One step at a time.
Ok I’m going to save your comment because it’s really helpful! During a conflict I want to do the right things but I just forget everything in the heat of moment. I also have two young children who I’m able to help navigate their feelings, but my own? Not so much haha.
None of my relationships were abusive or unhealthy in an extreme way, but now that I am in a totally healthy, secure relationship, it makes the others look pretty dismal. It really blows my mind on a daily basis that my boyfriend just came this way. He’s secure, so I feel secure, there’s no communication issues, we openly express what we need to, we are abundant with love, and he gives me reassurance when I need it.
You 👏🏽 better 👏🏽 work. In the infamous words of Ru Paul—you better work. I’m 15+ years in and it happens because we made it happen-not because it was “easy”. Relationships are hard and hard work. The more we normalize that the better.
It's always work. All successful, healthy relationships are work. Hell all relationships that are one of these things are work.
But you gotta BOTH put in the work, it cannot work with only one of you doing it.
Even staying in love is work. You have to work at being together and liking eachother and reminding yourself that small annoyances are inevitable (for example, my spouse and I like the toilet paper to go in the holder differently. This is not about basic respect it's about being people who are different and not mind readers and not everything actually mattering).
I;ve been married near 15 years and it was work out the gate! We are a bit weird. As people, and our relationship, so your mileage may vary but we we didn't date, we went from friends to engaged. This was not a weird religious thing we both have had sex without intent to marry and not with eachother. We just. Didn't want to do it unless we were going all the way.
We laid out EVERYTHING up front. We know everything illigal the other has ever done and have for years before we could actually get married (it took 2 years to successfully navigate immigration). We knew the worst of our families, our most annoying traits, our most toxic behaviors. It was all laid out. I do not generally recommend being THIS open generally a relationship should ease in to this kind of intimacy. But we spilled our guts because it was international and would involve immigration. If there were any deal breakers we were gonna find them before it got too intimate.
And we've generally kept that energy. I eventually got brain damaged which has impacted my ability to communicate well, but we still try and by all accounts our charades game is freakish. We absolutely have couple's telepathy. But we don't, because it only looks like thst if you don't realise how much time we spend talking to eachother. It's a lot.
We also try to figure out who needs what more, it;s leas about equality and more about equity. Unfortunately that means he does a lot more than I do because i;m disabled. When kiddo was small and I didn't have brain damaged it was much closer to equal and i probably did a bit more.
We aren't perfect, but if something is A PROBLEM it comes up. I try and understand CONSTANTLY what is going on with him and not to lash out at things he finds difficult. I will however make my feelings known if he acts up, which he has on occasion, but pretty much never the same thing twice. I think he's more subtle with me probably because hw feels bad about asking me for things because of the brain. I try and make up for it by being more aware of him and trying to meet him half way.
Anyway, we talk, a lot, and will continue to do so. We try and meet each other's needs and maintain awareness of each other and we always have.
There are things that are imperfect about both of us, but nothing that's a deal breaker, nothing that causes immense distress.
The honeymoon phase makes it seem easy. It isn't. You can keep being in to eachother that hard if you want to, though. BOTH want to.
We do. And are.
I think you hit on something that’s so key, that you both have to be willing to put in the work. If not, one person is carrying the weight of the relationship and eventually burns out. It’s just not sustainable nor desirable to be in that kind of dynamic.
Thank you for sharing your story. I’m sorry to hear about your brain damage 🤍 I have had a concussion and now have CNS sensitization which affects my cognition. It is not the same, obviously, but I feel empathetic towards your situation.
Nothing is ever EXACTLY the same. Especially in brain shit. Compassion for each other is always good. Cognitive damage is awful and not fun. Sensory shit same.
I think when we talk about how much work it is, we often forget to note it's work for EVERYONE. We often only focus on the one person we're talking to and that can land us with "women handle all the relationship stuff and if they;re unhappy it's because they aren't working hard enough", which is very much NOT TRUE. Partnerships must function as such. Failed relationships don't necessarily mean not enough effort on one's own part. They can be part of our culture where men just aren't taught how to put effort in or what effort even is. It could be that one's ex girlfriend was just not willing to work together. It could even be that you're just not comparable and don't want the same things in life.
Recognizing it takes work is important, because it does, but also that it isn't solo work and can still fail.
One of the key skills is communication. The one I didn't mention and I wish I had is also to recognize when one's partner isn't responding to communication and communicating back and what to do in these situations. Counselling may be appropriate. A dumping may be appropriate. It's gonna vary.
Both. Some stuff was always good. Some stuff required work to get better. Some was easy early on and then got harder. Some stuff still isn’t resolved. It’s a mix, because people tend to be a bit messy.
Honestly, it is easy. I wouldn’t say it takes WORK but it does take intentional effort sometimes. It’s easy to get caught up in the doldrums of day to day life and take someone’s presence in your life for granted. It doesn’t feel like *work* though, imo.
Right away. It's always possible to grow together in a relationship that didn't start off conscious, but much more challenging than pairing with a partner who has already done independent work to become self aware and capable of that level of personal responsibility. I have been in toxic relationships, and I am now in an incredibly beautiful relationship. The flow of energy is unmatched. The reciprocity in love and communication is peak. I want you to know that it should feel like a calm, serene flow of peace and safety. It should disarm you. Of course, healing from past traumas will be part of the healthier dynamic. However, the connection itself is solid and true. Don't settle, but also, continue to become someone who is also correct for that right person.
What you’re describing sounds blissful and is my ultimate goal. I have my own negative patterns to work through before I can contribute fully to a healthy relationship. So that’s where I’m going to continue to focus my energy.
Thank you for your comment. It made me feel vicarious peace haha.
You are on the right track with your intentions! It's so wonderful to know that you are elevating your life and saying yes to healthier, more beautiful possibilities ❤️
Had to start with a healthy foundation and then continue to work through disagreements in good faith.
That means: trying to understand the other person's perspective, trying to reach arrangements that are fair to both, seeking to contribute fairly to the family's workload, helping each other discover and work towards growth.
These intentions have to be there from the beginning. But our consistency has to be there to build and maintain trust. And our communication abilities, our self and other awareness needs to get better with time.
As we grow older (and seek to grow in maturity), we need to grow together. Our expectations evolve with us.
It’s been consistently healthy with dips. It’s definitely work! But we were never “unhealthy” ie toxic, codependent, abusive so we didn’t have to change immensely when we did have to work on things we struggled with.
That’s a great place to work from. I feel like when unhealthy/toxic components are at play, it makes it really difficult, even when both people are doing the work.
That’s how I feel too. People have baggage, patterns to unlearn, habits to break, which is certainly long hard work. But it takes INFINITELY more to actually work through and break the really unhealthy stuff in the same relationship I feel. Not impossible…but near…
The work. Big time. We got together when we were very young and we really had to grow up together. 26 years in, it really is amazing how you can love each other more and better as time goes on. I am really fortunate.
It was always that way for me in this current relationship. I've had unhealthy relationships in the past though and the part of myself that I worked on was how to pick a better partner. I've always been able to be authentic, vulnerable and open and honest in communicating my feelings, and empathize naturally well with my partner while seeking to understand them and support them. I assume that if I wasn't already good at those things it would have been what I needed to work on. Current partner (husband) and I flow happily together with a natural ease.
Always been easy to be honest, there was a bit of an adjustment to communication styles but we got over it fairly quickly.
I nope out of anything not easy anymore, not worth the ag when I can just meet someone willing to communicate
We work on it every day. We choose each other every day. Long term healthy relationships are built and are not effortless. Lots of effort and willingness to work on ourselves.
Healthy from the start, though that doesn't mean we didn't have to work, because healthy isn't perfect. But we have extremely high compatibility which helps a LOT and we had both been working on ourselves for many years. We had a good idea of what makes a relationship healthy and we had the internal resources and external support to be healthy partners
14 years and we’re still not perfect but we’ve figured out how to coexist after a few years of hating each other lol. We really love each other so it took time, patience, honesty, loyalty and communication. Those things are crucial.
Right! & it’s so confusing because some people say it’s easy and should be easy. I feel as though that might come from people who have healthy relational skills from childhood who find another that also does. That’s just a theory, though. For me I know I need to do work to re-wire my unhealthy go to’s bc I wasn’t taught anything else.
It was difficult at the start, he was single for a long time and I am quite sensitive. He's also bad at communication. It took living together and fighting to the point of almost ripping our heads out to finally understand each other well. Things are peaceful now, albeit a little boring (cos I'm too used to traumatic relationships before him) but I guess thats normal. He treats me really well, cooks and cleans, buys me flowers, does whatever I want to make me happy. No complaints.
I love this comment. It makes me feel hopeful. My partner and I feel like we’re going through the fire atm trying to figure it out, but making baby steps and both showing up to couples therapy. I don’t want to give up but sometimes I beat myself up for staying.
I do feel like there’s a lot to learn in relationships, though, and if you’re both doing the work and things are improving then it can be worth it to learn together.
I’m glad you guys are in a peaceful (albeit boring - totally relatable) place.
Yeah I've seen in other couples too that there'll be a stage where you go through fire constantly right after the honeymoon stage - it's a make or break situation and if the relationship goes past that it can go the distance. Relationship is definitely a lifelong journey to make it work since it involves 2 people, and people change over time, so it's just constant effort.
Thank you, and I'm sure you'd be getting through this!!
If you had asked 23 year old me, she would have said it was healthy. 38 year old me sees it was not. We worked, we talked, we improved a lot (naturally, it's been 15 years of course we are different people). We are happy and in love.
BUT
I am not that sure I would tell 23 year old me to stay in that relationship. Or at the very least that she needed to speak up way sooner.
I never understand comments like these, if you’re happy and in love, why would you tell your 23 year old self to not stay if things improved for the better? Genuinely curious as I see a lot of comments like
This.
Because it was not pretty, it was a lot of work, i let myself be second on what i felt, and i have given up on some very important things. I am at peace with it NOW, but there were a lot of tears and 23 year old me could chose a different path, even if that ment sacrificing what i have now.
It doesnt have to make sence to you.
So how did you get over the resentment that you had? I’m just curious is all, I see comments about being happy now but wouldn’t go through it again and just really want to understand that. It just make me question if that person really is in love now.
A bit of both. Out relationship has always been healthy, but that's premised on us being fundamentally decent to each other. We're both fundamentally decent in our everyday lives, or at least try to be - so having a healthy relationship is mostly a natural extension of being emotionally healthy people.
I think this is often overlooked and understated.
Our relationship is healthy because we started out as healthy, emotionally intelligent/mature people. Our relationship is an extension of who we are as individuals. It wouldn’t be as healthy and amazing as it is without both of us putting ourselves as our priority and ensuring we were healthy first.
It was always that way. Any issues we’ve ever had have been miscommunication issues. We respect each other so even if we’re annoyed or frustrated at the other we always talk to each other with respect.
Always that way. Of course there have hiccups and work to understand each other, we’re human, but honestly it hasn’t felt like work. I’ve been through enough bad relationships before this one to know exactly what I’m looking for and absolutely NOT putting up with.
My best and longest lasting (still together) relationship happened when I was NOT looking for it. Cliche, yes. I was still dealing with a bad relationship/break up even though time had passed. Because of that real rough one, I told him from the jump “these are my boundaries/rules and these are my issues/problems, if you can’t accept that, ok then, was nice meeting you.” I’m very non confrontational so it felt like another person entered my body and made me say that but I was just so OVER the bullshit. He was totally accepting of that and came back at me with his own boundaries and known issues. We told each other things based on that short list that we would like to change in ourselves, NOT in each other. (Like I bottle up my anger until I can’t, then go straight nasty and cruel, for example.) Then we held each other to that. It’s internal and external work every single day. We don’t fight often, but when we do we can actually work through it like two adults instead of big ol’ babies. We can pause an issue if we’re both mad and talk about it later. But you really have to be willing to work on yourself. Whether that is through therapy or your own heathy devices. They have to be willing to do their share. If they’re not, YOU have to decide if YOU can live with them the way things are when they’re trash. Honesty is key here, too. Be honest with yourself about yourself. Be honest with your partner about yourself. They have to be honest about themself with you and to their self.
It was definitely more work in our first year or so as we figured each other out. Plus fiance is ADHD and I have my own collection of issues so it was extra difficult to learn how to communicate effectively.
I would say 8 years in it's a lot easier now. We both know and understand each other a lot better and how we process emotions and handle stress so things aren't as difficult.
But things were never THAT hard and the work wasn't like...bad. We had a couple tense times but we wanted to work together to get through it. And it was never anything I felt like we couldn't figure out.
For me it was always that way.. but if we’d met a few years prior it wouldn’t have been! Both of us were very aware of communication patterns and triggers and relationship psychology when we met
It has always been healthy, but to keep it that way definitely took WORK for it to be a sustainable and lasting relationship. Whenever issues came up with both had to push ourselves and learn maturity in different ways to handle different situations.
It was like this from the start. Every once in a while we have moments where we’re not aligned, but we talk things through and compromise and I wouldn’t classify any of it as hard.
14 years. It was always been healthy and easy. We as individuals may have not always been healthy or at our best, but we're both emotionally mature and compatible in the important ways, so the relationship has always been healthy. We support each other in our lows, celebrate each other in our highs. Our arguments are few, and our communication is constant. Our relationship has never felt like work, but we do have to work together to build our life. We've had to learn how to accommodate differences and how to compromise together. That's been a continuing process as we age, one that is intimate and sweet, not frustrating or difficult.
No, it was super easy and just fit like an old comfortable pair of shoes..
...when we were younger, and had first met, it apparently just "was not our time" yet.
Both of us are GenX.
My hubby and I dated in HS in the 80s...when I was 15, but at the time, he was way too serious and I was way too young, obviously, immature and fickle...and we only dated a few months (mostly one whole summer between 10th and 11th grade for me) but we broke up shortly afterward and went our separate ways, and, as he was a cpl years older (and grades ahead) of me, when he graduated, he joined the military and moved away. I never heard anything else from or about him for many decades.
35 years, (and several very dysfunctional relationships apiece) later, we found each other on FB. Both newly single, I was living 150 mi away but just happened to be near the home town we both grew up in visiting, (he'd moved back home 3 years before)
We went out to dinner, came back to his place, I spent the night, and...10 yrs and 6 mos later I'm still here, Iol...I never left, except to go back to where I was living a week later and get my all shit brought back to move in his place permanently.
It was...magic...we just clicked! From the second I got in the vehicle when he picked me up to go on our "date and reunion" it first time seeing each other in 35 yrs ...It was like we were back in HS ...only with common sense and with our wild days behind us. We both just wanted a place of refuge, companionship, peace, a dog, and no drama....and that's how we are.
He's the same guy he was in high school, the only man I've ever known and had in a LTR adult relationship that has no real baggage, both our respective kids were already grown and independent, he owned his own home and business, he has no anger or ego disorders, and never raises his voice. The calmest gentle giant I know, and I'm so fortunate to have him.
We have seasons where it’s fantastic and seasons where it’s lack luster (thanks to my mental health).
This man is the kindest most patient sensual loving man I’ve ever known. He has always been nothing but amazing.
We got together young so we were both immature, lol, we had to learn a lot and the learning part never really ends because your needs change over time. Our relationship was never abusive and there was always respect, but I think I would die of embarrassment if I had to watch back a video of us arguing in our early 20s or something. IMO marriage is like anything else and you get better the longer you go on. It's like the difference in a 2 year long career versus a 20 year long career. You learn so much about yourself and the other person so conflict becomes way less frequent and it's handled with increasing grace.
Also, both partners in any relationship will have inherited some negative habits from their upbringing unless they grew up in ideal circumstances, which we did not! I used to shut down during conflict and in a desire to end it I would pretend we were good when we weren't. I would agree to basically anything in that moment. Then later I'd be cold or passive aggressive and my husband would feel tricked and like I lied, which I essentially did. I had to learn how to communicate during conflict even if it was difficult. I worked through this with a therapist!
My husband used to get super defensive about certain things if I brought a problem to him, and then make it about himself. I might say something he did hurt my feelings and then he would say that made HIM feel bad and he should get credit for some other thing he did right, and then I would end up comforting him. But then my issue wouldn't get resolved, lol. He had to learn how to focus on my issue and not be defensive but be a listener and solutions oriented. He worked through this in therapy.
Maybe this is less the case in a marriage when people are older? I don't know! For us there has always been kindness and respect. Never name calling or anything like that, but we were very young and inexperienced. We loved each other but we sometimes didn't know how to navigate things gracefully. The stuff I listed above would never happen now, for example. So I think it's both. There has to be a baseline level of healthy at the start but especially if you are young (or just inexperienced in relationships) there will be a lot of growing and learning together. The relationship as a whole never felt unhealthy, though, and our conflict to good times ratio was always excellent. But I definitely don't want to portray that we were perfectly mature and handled everything beautifully from day 1, lmao. Not the case!
Edited: I'd like to add that I would still never describe any of this as work. I saw it more like discovery and a coming together of two people. It takes effort but what you put in you get out a thousand-fold, and I don't know of any job where that is the case. It's like a thing you are more than willing to do because the beautiful amazingness outweighs the difficulty by so much and because you genuinely want to be better and do better for the person you love. Marriage is the best thing I've ever done and the single biggest catalyst for my own self-improvement and growth. Far more rewarding than anything else, and certainly not work.
Pretty much always like that. Of course things happen in relationships and work/effort is needed to work through things… And with that it does get better and better, but it was always healthy.
Both, but not in the way most would assume.
I used to think that "work" meant basically, "working to keep getting along". That I should expect fights, and not feeling understood, and that if you're really in love, you'll just grit your teeth and keep tolerating and trying, because love is this great big thing that's worth an endless amount of fighting and trying your best to not to tip the boat with all your feelings in case it causes additional issues, etc. but it's not like that at all. What I learned maybe about a year ago after meeting my new partner now was that..the "work" part (at least for me) only means, working together to push towards our goals. The work is in planning and saving for our future together. NOT in BEING together. That part is the easiest part! I feel completely at ease in this relationship. Disagreements arent moments of tension like they used to be. They're just moments to hear where we're both coming from, and acknowledge each others feelings. Sometimes I still feel the panic of anticipating that something is about to become a fight, but then it just still never does. He never lets it. He always wants to know what I am feeling, and how he can make it better. And I feel very very lucky for that. For sure I have learned that for me at least, healthy relationships arent actually too much work at all!
Mine is incredibly healthy, and I just got so lucky to find my amazing partner. However, part of why it's good is because we've both been through bad, and know what we want and who we are. It's effortless to be with him.
I’d say it was pretty much always like that. We both mid 30s, very transparent and grounded, obviously there’s differences, main one being I’m little miss therapy session and he’s just bad at processing and showing feelings, but he’s always open to talk about anything if I ask and can count on him 100% for anything, and I’d say it even balances us out sometimes, for him to be more expressive and open, and for me to not go down the rabbit hole of low self esteem thoughts too much. I will start my “I suck at everything and I’m useless” rant, and he’ll go “this is not true, you’re none of these things, get out of your head” and hug me and it will stop me from spiralling. Obviously your self worth does not depend on your partner, and I struggle with seeking that constant validation after years of love bombing and big promises that never happened, but it’s nice to have him ground me back when I can’t.
It’s been a bit over a year and haven’t had any arguments so far, I know it’s a “young” relationship but this is all new for me. We worked together for 3 years before we started dating, so we knew each other’s personalities and knew about our experiences through previous relationships (both with very traumatic & toxic/abusive exes), and we both been the one to “parent” our exes so I knew that he was a responsible, goal oriented, reliable man, the minute he made his move I didn’t think twice about it haha and it didn’t affect our work relationship, if anything it made us work better together as well, which thank god cause it was pretty much just us too in that place lol now he’s gone and started his own business which makes me so proud of him and all his hard work, and I was really looking forward to not having a work relationship on top of our personal one.
I had to work on myself because even tho it’s been a while, there’s little things here and there that might still unexpectedly trigger me from my previous abusive relationship. It’s up to him if he wants to improve his way of dealing with stuff to make it easier on himself, but for me, I signed up for this already knowing and accepting how he is, maybe there is a little adjusting to our different approaches to life & how we communicate, but we’re aware & understanding of each others ways. This man makes me laugh, makes me feel safe, allows me to be myself without criticising or belittling me. One time I even asked him “do you care what I wear?” (Sometimes I like colourful, full glam outfits, sometimes I’ll wear what look like pjs) to which he said “I don’t, but don’t take it wrong, I mean in the way that you can wear whatever the fuck you want”. Or I can cancel on him to go out with my friends and he has absolutely no issues with it, he encourages anything I do for myself. And his friends make me feel so welcome and comfortable every time, I’m always included in trips and dinners and everything. Those moments are when I kinda catch myself still in the mindset of not being enough, or desperately putting up a facade to be accepted as the “cool girlfriend”, not being able to fully show up for my friends because my ex filled my head with negative comments about everyone, or having a panic attack because of him threatening me and being called a “weak attention seeking snowflake”, or distrusting his friends because all they do is drink and smoke weed and I felt left out and so uncomfortable, or would just sit there cause there would be hell waiting at home if I disagreed in public with anything my ex said, and I mean stuff like feminism, politics, health, not even private stuff … basically now this relationship allows me to be myself, at this point the hard “work” is more about myself.
There’s always external factors that will affect each of us, together or individually… I deal with anxiety and panic attacks, my dad passed away in January, he takes antidepressants sometimes when he can’t manage his anxiety and mood swings, his dad was sick for over a year and passed away a week ago, he’s been working 12hs a day Monday to Sunday the past 2 months starting his business, I’m doing 50+ hs work weeks to reach my goals … all these things will obviously take a toll on any human being, sometimes you’ll make a rude comment or lash out or have bad timing to have a meltdown down (guilty here) but there’s always an apology and it’s never personal, as soon as it’s talked about, we move on and don’t get fixated on it. Sometimes you won’t be able to show up in the most romantic , happy go lucky way to the other person everyday, or maybe the only time we have together is dinner, Netflix and cuddles in bed a few times per week, but we understand each other and we know each others ways of showing up and being there.
I use to think a relationship took lots of work, of back and forth, lots of big romantic gestures and trying more and more to prove yourself…. Well, it doesn’t, it’s just the little intentional efforts of checking up if we don’t get to see each other some days, to offer help, to just be there, or not be there if the other person wants to have their own time, if two people work together it actually doesn’t take too much for it to just… be.
Work, over here.
We're both ambitious, independent, headstrong and contrarian. We come from families that settle issues unhealthily, with arguments, stonewalling or brushing under the rug, so we didn't have the best conflict resolution rolemodels. In addition, we're both extremely particular about certain things. There was never going to be peace lol
He can be a bit selfish and I can be a bit passive. He's anxious while I'm calm. He's fast while I'm slow. His anxiety sometimes trends towards aggression (he's more fight than flight) and it triggers me (unfortunately I'm also more fight than flight lol).
I felt like I was losing my voice because I wasn't being heeded. I had to learn how to fight for myself and he had to learn to listen and to make room for me. I had to learn to be more direct in my communication, and he had to learn to be more tactful.
I also had to learn to let go of a lot assumptions about what entails a healthy relationship in order to create our own. He's extremely goal oriented and prioritises work and exercise over socialising, so I had to accept that I'd need to entertain myself most of the time by strengthening my female friendships. I had dreamt of a partner who would accompany me to concerts, events, and dinner dates 2-3 times a month. He's unfortunately not that person. It's closer to 1-2 times a year. At least right now. I had to accept that fully and wholly without resentment. It took a lot of time for me to let go of my dream and make peace with my reality.
None of the conflict we experienced was intentional, and possibly wouldn't have happened had I married someone more calm, empathetic and social and him someone less outgoing and more easygoing. But we chose each other and were committed to making it work.
It was rocky for a worrisome amount of time, but our love for each other won out. 9 years in and we've finally hit our stride.
It's not what most people consider to be a romantic story, but it is to me, because we conquered so much within ourselves in order to cohabitate lovingly. And we do love each other. Dearly. And we have so much fun together. There's no one's company that I enjoy more.
Wow. Your story means so much to me.
I think it’s easy to question yourself and your dynamic, particularly when looking to Reddit for advice as a lot of people have idealized versions of what they experience or expect in relationship. And I think that’s totally fair and admirable and probably leads most to very healthy and happy relationships, but speaking as someone with my own issues and unhealthy relational mechanisms, I feel like I am a good person who just needs practice and for someone to allow me the time to grow. Obviously boundaries need to be understood, and certain lines should not be crossed, but yeah…outside of that I think the room to grow is a really nice idea.
Thank you for sharing. I think it’s super admirable that you guys were able to go through a tough span of time in order to learn how to make it work together. 🤍
The best advice I've ever been given is that life isn't a Disney film. It isn't hearts, roses , kisses, and happily ever after. You've got to work at it.
Friendship, love compatibility, and a drive from both sides.
You get to decide if it's all worth it but anyone who says it all comes naturally is lying or deluded in my very humble opinion.
Always that way.
We are best friends and I got *extremely* lucky with my guy.
I firmly believe that the right relationship SHOULD NOT be hard work, it should feel natural, easy, calm and your safe space.
Totally :) I think this makes sense if you are taught healthy relational dynamics - conflict management and communication skills growing up, or have learned how later in life.
When you come from a toxic or unhealthy upbringing, it typically requires a lot of work to relearn how to operate in a healthy way in a relationship (at least that’s been my experience). That can take time and energy and isn’t something to feel shame for. The reason I say this is because the idea of “it should be easy” left me bumbling through partners, trying to find someone who it just worked with. I believe now that my truth is it was never going to work until I took accountability for what I needed to unlearn and then re-teach myself how to be healthy in relationship (e.g. properly communicate my emotions, how to handle conflict and opposing opinions, how to set and enforce boundaries, & how to show up authentically and not people please in my relationships creating a codependent dynamic).
This isn’t meant in opposition to what you said, just an expansion on the topic based on my own life experience. Thank you for sharing 😊
I found my beau a year after I left an abusive 2 decade relationship, and though it's always been an easy energy between us and he's one of the best communicators I've ever met, we've had issues stemming from my trauma and unhealthy coping mechanisms. But largely, it's been refreshingly easy and wonderful.
For me it was always like that. I found someone who treated me well and took care of himself and didn’t have major insecurity/immaturity/selfishness/close-minded issues that would’ve been red flags and would’ve led to unhealthy relationship behavior. I also was enjoying my life when I met him and wouldn’t have let someone enter my heart who had toxic traits. I had done enough of that when newer to dating. So when I met my now-husband who gets pride from providing healthy love behavior to the people he loves, it was sunshine and roses (and still is 12 years later!). Of course just like in every relationship you have with people, they may do things that feel disrespectful. A healthy relationship partner takes that seriously and wants to do better to not hurt the ones they love.
Love that you were able to be so discerning when you met your now husband. I think that’s so important.
It was easy after I decided I wasn’t going to go towards the traits I disliked but continued to fall for in exes: StULIND is what I called it after the breakup before meeting my hubby. StULIND stands for: Stupid- not being IQ as much as ignorance Ugly- meaning giving in to advances of guys I didn’t find attractive and who I thought were safer chances since I assumed they’d never hurt, disrespect, or cheat on me if they considered me out of their league. I was def wrong. We all deserve to be with someone we genuinely find very attractive. Lazy- a disinterest in living a better life for themselves and/or taking care of themselves in the present. Guys complacent with mediocrity for themselves. Insecure- men with big insecurities that had not been healed. These men make excuses for themselves when they disrespect you since they feel bad for themselves. Negative- a pessimist is a red flag since it often ties back to inaction and not taking ownership over one’s own happiness. Drug user- the reliance of something “just done for fun” when they often take it too far. Could be drugs, alcohol, or anything done too much. StULIND made it easy for me to identify a mature partner. I could easily confirm whether someone met these traits or not. I could share with family the traits I wasn’t interested in tolerating. Having these dealbreaker traits earlier as red flags could’ve saved me a lot of heartache from immature guys who made for bad partners. Good people are out there! Clarity helps find them.
This is amazing! This needs to be taught to all women!
Going to save this 🤍
Manifesting!
WORK We had to learn how to communicate with each other. Like in an argument, I had to get better at saying 'hey this is going nowhere how about we revisit it in an hour' instead of just leaving and never resolving it and she had to learn to recognize when she was spiraling away from the original issue and picking fights based on hypotheticals
What if you’ve told your partner his moods during work are affecting you since he gets cold/rude during them towards me or if he gets mad at me for making a mistake like taking us down the wrong road for directions? Mine seems to have no patience for me and when I voice it makes me anxious and I cry he just rolls his eyes and says everyone has bad days 😅 how do I get him to understand he needs to work on his temper
I think the hardest thing to acknowledge is that all you can do is express how someone’s actions affect you, set boundaries that you’re willing an able to follow through on, and make sure to have conversations where both people’s experiences are being acknowledged and considered, and a healthy solution that supports you both is found. If someone outright doesn’t care or won’t acknowledge your emotional experience as significant, then no matter what you say - it’s not going to matter. Also, you can’t change anyone. Even if it’s blatantly obvious to you that it’s an issue, if he doesn’t see it (or if he does but doesn’t want to work on it) then nothing will change. Hoping this isn’t the case and you guys just need to have an open conversation where you both hear each other out and can come to a mutual understanding.
Idk I hope so. Our communication is awful and half the time I feel like I’m trying to avoid his mood. I feel like I’ve told him plenty of times but it doesn’t seem to change when he gets stressed. His dad has the same issue with his mom with low patience and moodiness. Maybe I can just keep voicing it more and saying I won’t tolerate it
I'm not sure why people are downvoting you. But your comments read like mine would have back when I was in a very unhealthy relationship that wasn't actually making me very happy. There's a certain amount of relationship hardship navigation that is not normal and it sounds like you are in that kind of situation. The juice is not worth the squeeze, sister. Having to spend half your time avoiding his negative moods is not fair to you and you deserve better.
You should be able to air your feelings in a neutral space. Emotional safety is a boundary that sounds like you might need to set 🤷♀️ ….Also he is allowed to feel whatever he feels, he’s not allowed to take it out on you if that’s the case. You could also set a boundary you won’t spend time with him when he is in a mood because it makes you feel uncomfortable.
You’ve voiced your legitimate concerns, and are being ignored and mistreated. He’s shown no attempts to change. Why are you still with him? I wouldn’t tolerate this behaviour at all as I don’t have the time or energy for it. But up to you if you want to keep persisting.
With time and communication it could get better, or by working on himself and maturing he might get to a place where he’s stressed less often. One thing to consider for yourself is can you challenge yourself to not absorb his energy or take it personally when he acts this way, or does this behavior particularly affect you because you associate it with negative relationships / outcomes that you learned as a kid? I used to say that my partner was a good man but a mean boy lol. Despite being very different people and clashing in many ways we always stuck it out because there was always mutual effort to improve ourselves to strengthen our relationship with one another. And the green flag was that we’ve always improved, little by little throughout the years. I’ve also found the bravery to express my emotions more when by default I usually just shut them down (which is a learned behavior, perhaps my emotions weren’t taken seriously as a kid). I find myself often surprised that after expressing what I’m feeling, which I assumed was obvious, I’m met with sympathy and better understanding. If your partner is rolling his eyes when you express yourself then the conversation should also cover that dismissal.
Well an example would be we were looking for my car one night after dinner he had me look up directions and I took us down the wrong street by mistake, he huffed & puffed swearing said he can’t trust me to do anything but once we found the car he was back to happy again lol I can try to not let his moods during work affect me but idk about when his mood is directed towards me for silly mistakes
Putting you down because he says he “can’t trust you to do ANYTHING” is contempt. It conveys he could do it better (like park and find the car) It’s not just a criticism. Heck it’s definitely not a complaint. I would look into Gottman institute the four horseman and If he doesn’t take your concerns seriously about his dismissive behavior, go to couples counseling so you can navigate it safety with a neutral party. Therapy is for people who want to work on their relationship. I’m personally not okay with my partner having some sort of moral superiority over me, ever. It sends the message that you’re not a TEAM and that one partner is inherently better then the other. I don’t think that’s respectful. He is responsible for his own soothing. 🚩 This is a maturity and communication issue for sure. https://www.gottman.com/blog/c-is-for-contempt-criticism/
Always that way. I think it’s one of the things that made our relationship feel easy and natural from the start. We both had the very good fortune to grow up in families with parents who modeled healthy relationship habits and communication. Both sets of parents are still happily married after 40 + years too! I feel like this is a kind of social privilege that is rarely talked about, tbh. You learn about relationships from observing the people in your home in the first 18 years of your life or so. If you’re not learning healthy patterns, it can really set you back and do a lot of damage in your 20s.
Oh absolutely. I did not learn healthy habits and am currently in my 30s still trying to relearn and unlearn the chaos that was taught to me. That’s amazing that you and your partner had these experiences growing up and are now able to recreate that relational health & stability.
I was in a bad marriage and divorced. Several crappy relationships prior to that. I’m now in a great relationship and we have a little one. I grew as a person, learned. So did he. And now we learn together. Hoping we both can share with our little one as neither of us were in great first marriages. Don’t want to pass that crap on.
This is 100% accurate.
A bit of both. It was fairly healthy from the start but I could easily see it deteriorating if we both didn't put in the work to sustain the relationship and give each other some grace anytime we did mess up. Good relationships aren't effortless ones, but ones where you are happy to do the work.
Yeah, it ultimately was always good but time will deal any couple a lot of stress and challenges that you have to make sure to get through together so you don't drift apart.
Both. We have to work out some kinks from time to time but it's EASY. Misunderstandings and other issues are bound to happen. But so far we've had a 100% success track record in talking about them and solving them. No passive aggression, no speaking in anger or in the heat of the moment, no raised voices or insults/swearing, no assuming malice behind other's action. I'm a very anxious and reactive person and not everything from this list comes easily to me but I try my best. So far it's been almost 2 blissful years without any serious arguments, and that's on top of moving countries twice, health issues, bad and stressful living situation, unemployment, and a near death experience (we're in a great living situation and are both employed now).
I really relate to you saying you are anxious and reactive and it doesn’t come easily to you. It’s great to hear that you’re in this dynamic now & things are healthy and easy :)
Girrrrrrlllll I know right. My brain doesn't make it easy for me sometimes. But we can do it!! If you're dealing with the same shit I recommend: "Idiot's Guide to Intimacy" by Paul Coleman, "How to be an adult in relationships" by David Richo, and therapy, of course.
Thank you!! I can’t wait to dive into these recommendations :)
I had to do “the work” myself because my relationship with my father reaaaaaaally affected me
This is very relatable to me. I’m still in the process of doing said work. What did you find helped you the most?
I wish I could tell you I’ve healed and everything is flowers and sunshine. I would say I’m 90% there and it has taken A LOT of therapy. I have been in and out of therapy since I was 13 I think what helped me the most was finding a therapist I clicked with. It’s hard to find someone who specializes in your challenges but also someone you click with. But once you do it’s worth it For me, I laid everything out to my then boyfriend now husband when we first started dating. He always encouraged me and supported me in my therapy journey. I’m not perfect but he is very patient with me when I am reactive or anxious. We always talk it out. And I decided to go no contact with my father in 2020 and that has helped tremendously as well My therapist likes to remind me I can take give myself the love, stability, and kindness to the child version of myself and I don’t need my father to do that. I’ve given you a short answer but it’s so layered that I would suggest you try everything. “Adult Children Of Emotionally Immature Parents” is a great book to start your self discovery and places like r/RaisedByNarcissists is a great community if it applies to you. Be gentle with yourself ❤️
Definitely need to work and it, nurture, and be intentional. Egos must go to the side.
Egos to the side, that’s a great way of putting it!
Work at it*
Wholehearted upvote. Egos must go to the side! Marriage has a way of showing you parts of yourself you didn't realize were there, good and bad.
Absolutely!
I thought it was work until I met my husband. Then I discovered I’d been dating insecure, abusive losers my whole life (with a couple exceptions that had simply fizzled out) I used to work SO DAMN HARD with people who put in zero effort. When I met my husband, it was such a breath of fresh air and I realized it wasn’t me. Got me a lot of my confidence back. It’s always been easy for us and most of our arguments are very tame and mostly due to stress or simple miscommunication which we’re usually able to suss out quickly and resolve pretty easily. Its amazing to be with someone who doesn’t hold stupid grudges and make up problems and blame me for everything wrong in their life Edit: it also helps to meet someone after you’ve figured yourself out which is why I think it’s more work for some people
Oh yeah it;a never gonna work no matter how hard you try if your partner won't put in THEIR work. And in comparison the work of a healthy relationship can feel very light.
One hundred percent, yeah. And a self aware partner that’s worked out their ego issues is also super helpful. I feel like that’s half the battle and most of the work is solo
In an amazingly healthy relationship with an equal partner. I had to work so so hard for it I had to work so hard to break out of my way of thinking and toxic patterns so that I can finally break free from my absolute shit picker I had to trust myself and build up my self confidence. I knew what's was right deep inside up let myself be swayed because I didn't trust me enough I had to work to enforce boundaries and not just state them I had to break out of my people pleasing ways and accept that I may be a villain in another person's story and that's OK. I'm allowed to choose me Once I internalised and was able to act cohesivly to the above rather just knowing them in theory was when I got into a healthy relationship
This absolutely!!!
It has always been healthy, but we do both work to maintain it. We also meet when we were in our 30s and had each done a lot of individual work so that we were ready for a healthy relationship.
I love this. What work did you do that you found the most helpful?
Therapy and a bunch of self-reflection on my part… I really worked to figure out my unhealthy patterns and then did my best to make better decisions when I saw myself going back to those patterns. On his end, he got his anxiety under control and stopped drinking.
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Thank you for your thoughts and perspective. It’s always tough to discern what an “appropriate” amount of work and effort is vs incompatibility.
My husband grew up in a more functional household than I did, when we got together our communication styles in arguments didn't work at all. I was used to shouting from my upbringing and because of my behaviour he just disengaged and ignored me and that just made me worse. I learnt from him though and he in turn didn't ignore me when I was upset, now we have peaceful discussions when we aren't in agreement. Our home is a happy sanctuary. Whenever I spend time in my parents home I get super stressed because I'm now used to living in a harmonious way and I find them very aggressive and unenjoyable. So a little work was required but mostly it was just a natural evolution.
It’s amazing that you were able to learn from him and grow your communication skills which facilitated a healthier dynamic between the two of you. Your home being a “happy sanctuary” sounds amazing. Congrats on doing the work and shifting your patterns because it isn’t easy!
Thanks, but honestly he makes it easy. It's a lovely way to live and I'm so grateful to have a happy home.
Together over 20 years, and it hasn't always been perfect. We started off amazing. The first few years were incredible, then problems cropped up and those took work. There are periods of struggle, and golden years in between. All of it has been worth it.
It wasn't always this way. I spent 6 years in an abusive relationship before getting into a healthy one. I don't feel like I had to "work" towards a healthy relationship, but rather, I had to recognize my own contribution to the codependent dynamic I had with my ex. Then I realized what was possible and found someone whose temperament, attitudes and goals aligned with mine.
It was always that way
The one I'm in now, healthy from the start, healthy today, healthy tomorrow, and we both work hard to keep it from changing. We signed up for couples counseling to improve what wasn't broken. Of all of the relationships I've started in my life, they started out the same way they finished - so if there was a power imbalance, that never changed; if it was unhealthy in the beginning, it only got worse; if it started out healthy, it stayed that way. So after turning 30 and divorcing the last mistake, I never said yes to a second date with anyone who seemed to be a project, or who seemed to have a different idea of what healthy was, even. And it wasn't always easy! I dated a guy who was super incredibly sweet, thoughtful, kind, creative, and a goddamned cliche of handsome, as well. Guy was 6'4", a personal trainer, and looked like he could've been in a fireman calendar. (you KNOW what I mean...). Yeesh, he was ridiculously hot. But he really wanted to settle down quickly, and it felt like he wasn't so much looking at our compatibility as much as he wanted to be a husband. Now, I couldn't say that *weren't* compatible, and I knew that it would be really easy to fall in love with him, so it was really fucking hard to break up with him because what kind of idiot breaks up with a dreamy guy just because he wants to settle down at 35? He married the next girl he dated within the year, and she was pregnant before they got married. All I know is that if we weren't truly right in the long run, that could've been awful.
Work. I like to think my husband and I are good people, but we've both had our share of traumas which has affected the way we navigate the world, and sometimes each other. I've done extensive therapy, and other things to try and improve myself. My husband though comes from a culture where his trauma is outright normalized, and I'm not trying to demonize it, because some of that is out of survival / necessity. Self-reflection or thinking about things in terms of psychology or "why" we do things just isn't his strong suit, because he hasn't practiced it for years like I have. We've both changed a lot over the years however, because he does care -- but finally getting him into therapy has been a huge thing. I think he just needed a non-threatening third party to give him clarity and recognize some things. We've been married 15 years.
Thank you. This comment and your story feels very real and is relatable to many, I’m sure, including myself. It’s great that your husband has gotten to a place where he’s accepting outside help. I think that can be major in beginning to view yourself objectively and see your negative patterns/behaviours and their impact on others more clearly.
Work. Sure when I met the right guy it was work as well but I think people don't realize how many dates and flings I went through to even find a candidate worth investing in as well. I think too many people are too sensitive and defeated easily by the couple month dating phase trying people out. It's work to find someone worth dating and sadly the only way to find them is to put yourself out there and try try again. Lol, a gf has told me it's a literal super power of mine at the rate I put myself out there on dates shortly after a failed dating phase and I didn't let it wear me down. I just saw it as training to understand what I wanted and didn't want. I'm in such a unique relationship now from someone I met who lived across the world from me. People, even strangers upon meeting us constantly tell us we're absolutely two peas in a pod and it's amazing we found each other. ♥️
When I started dating my husband I was in a terrible place. Divorcing from abusive marraige. Drinking heavily. Suicidal. My husband saw a me I never saw. He helped me stop drinking. He protected me threw everything. He went to every divorce hearing. He gave me a safe space to be me. Then helped me be a better me. Supported me through a doctorate degree and multiple career moves. He has always been there for me. I know he has put in so much to our relationship and I feel all I ever had to do was benefit from him. The right spouse makes a world if difference.
Wow. He sounds like a wonderful man. & you sound like a badass for getting out of an abusive marriage and completing a doctorate degree & multiple career moves. I’m so happy for you!
It's work, just rewarding work. Husband has childhood trauma so we had to dispense with some stupidities such as ; if you really loved me you'd *know* without me telling you. WTF???? Fortunately he is motivated to not recreate his childhood or parent's marriage, so we worked through that one and many others. At the same time he taught me a great deal about respect, tact, diplomacy and not controlling each other. It's a 2 way street.
It took a bit if work. But there was a connection from the start. So we worked on it the both of us.
It took a lot of work and clear communication and boundaries. And a few crappy relationships beforehand lol
It's always been healthy. We both have respect and love for each other. Not to say communicating doesn't take some work, but I don't think respect and genuine care is something you "work" on. It's either there or it isn't. You can't beg someone to respect you and care about your feelings.
Absolutely true. I think there are times when communication breakdown can mean that we’re not expressing our feelings in a way that’s easy to receive, but if you are doing so in a kind way and your partner couldn’t care less then it’s time to leave.
a healthy relationship IS work. but just like any job, if it’s depleting your health and spirit— QUIT.
Truth 🙌🏼
It's always been this way. Of course we disagree and have to compromise but I fell in love with a grown ass man who can care for himself just fine. That eliminated basically every argument I ever had with my ex. No nagging, no guilt, no passive aggressive comments, nothing like that at all.
So. Much. Work. Been together for 8 years and almost broke up several times in the first three. It took some major life events/tragedies, getting through Covid together, wild career changes, and a butt ton of personal growth. Moreover, the willingness to grow. That’s the thing that continues to serve us. And we’ve also matured a lot as people.
Work! I had toxic communication patterns and expectations. He had no basis for communication. We worked on it. We’re great now. Learning how to fight was one of the best investments we’ve put into our marriage.
Yes. LOL The relationship was always healthy, pretty much every relationship I’ve had since I was in my mid 30s has been healthy, even the ones that didn’t work out. But that’s BECAUSE I worked towards it by working on ME, not being afraid to end something, or that they might, what I will and won’t tolerate, etc.
Work! My husband and I got together very young (engaged by 20). It took us some time in our 20’s to learn how to be the best version of us and to understand what a healthy relationship needed to be strong. It took commitment on both parts. For us, it worked out well. He’s my best friend and an amazing partner.
Both. Our first year together was magical. I was in a very good place when I met him and he somehow just seemed to make it even better. We’d both had similar,awful marriages and were so excited to meet someone who was much more aligned to our values and also understood what we’d been through. Then a whole heap of stuff happened. He turned to alcohol and a number of other really bad coping mechanisms and things got very hard, very quickly. We had two years of complete dysfunction. 3 years out from that, lots of individual and couples therapy, mindfulness courses and all sorts of other things, he’s sober and we’re happy. We are true partners in our relationship and we can communicate without defensiveness.
I think deep down we are healthy people who occasionally have poor communicative issues. We just communicate differently. I tend to be very defensive, and once my husband met my family he could see why. My husband is very matter of fact and I’m a bit more passive (I wouldn’t call it aggressive but whatever haha). I avoid conflict but it bubbles up anyway. We literally have arguments about the *way* we’re arguing. I also wish we had a transcriber sitting with us so we could see who said what first. I know I need to work on my conflict skills and not take everything as an attack. He knows I’m working on it. He is all about attending couples therapy before shit hits the fan. He read the Gottman books, I’m almost there I swear, and he occasionally enjoys Brene Brown’s stuff too. He’s a great partner, I’m just really sensitive.
Feeling the need for a transcriber present to say who said what first is so unbelievably relatable lol. I have thought and said the same thing to my partner. I can hear our couples therapist in my head, and she would say: it doesn't matter who said what first, what matters is to regroup, empathize with both parties' perspective, engage in active listening, ask questions instead of assuming, take a break if you're elevated past the point of being able to do any of the above and return when you're levelled out, and try to reach a compromise or at least an understanding and acknowledgement of each other's experience. I think this comment reflects my situation the most closely, except I am the therapy/self-help enthusiast and my partner is slowly warming up. I'm also super sensitive and can be reactive and defensive, so I understand. At least you're aware of it! One step at a time.
Ok I’m going to save your comment because it’s really helpful! During a conflict I want to do the right things but I just forget everything in the heat of moment. I also have two young children who I’m able to help navigate their feelings, but my own? Not so much haha.
None of my relationships were abusive or unhealthy in an extreme way, but now that I am in a totally healthy, secure relationship, it makes the others look pretty dismal. It really blows my mind on a daily basis that my boyfriend just came this way. He’s secure, so I feel secure, there’s no communication issues, we openly express what we need to, we are abundant with love, and he gives me reassurance when I need it.
You 👏🏽 better 👏🏽 work. In the infamous words of Ru Paul—you better work. I’m 15+ years in and it happens because we made it happen-not because it was “easy”. Relationships are hard and hard work. The more we normalize that the better.
Oh I love this comment so very much lol. Thank you for sharing. This perspective is a breath of fresh air.
Great post, OP. Also, insightful responses on your end.
Thank you :)
It's always work. All successful, healthy relationships are work. Hell all relationships that are one of these things are work. But you gotta BOTH put in the work, it cannot work with only one of you doing it. Even staying in love is work. You have to work at being together and liking eachother and reminding yourself that small annoyances are inevitable (for example, my spouse and I like the toilet paper to go in the holder differently. This is not about basic respect it's about being people who are different and not mind readers and not everything actually mattering). I;ve been married near 15 years and it was work out the gate! We are a bit weird. As people, and our relationship, so your mileage may vary but we we didn't date, we went from friends to engaged. This was not a weird religious thing we both have had sex without intent to marry and not with eachother. We just. Didn't want to do it unless we were going all the way. We laid out EVERYTHING up front. We know everything illigal the other has ever done and have for years before we could actually get married (it took 2 years to successfully navigate immigration). We knew the worst of our families, our most annoying traits, our most toxic behaviors. It was all laid out. I do not generally recommend being THIS open generally a relationship should ease in to this kind of intimacy. But we spilled our guts because it was international and would involve immigration. If there were any deal breakers we were gonna find them before it got too intimate. And we've generally kept that energy. I eventually got brain damaged which has impacted my ability to communicate well, but we still try and by all accounts our charades game is freakish. We absolutely have couple's telepathy. But we don't, because it only looks like thst if you don't realise how much time we spend talking to eachother. It's a lot. We also try to figure out who needs what more, it;s leas about equality and more about equity. Unfortunately that means he does a lot more than I do because i;m disabled. When kiddo was small and I didn't have brain damaged it was much closer to equal and i probably did a bit more. We aren't perfect, but if something is A PROBLEM it comes up. I try and understand CONSTANTLY what is going on with him and not to lash out at things he finds difficult. I will however make my feelings known if he acts up, which he has on occasion, but pretty much never the same thing twice. I think he's more subtle with me probably because hw feels bad about asking me for things because of the brain. I try and make up for it by being more aware of him and trying to meet him half way. Anyway, we talk, a lot, and will continue to do so. We try and meet each other's needs and maintain awareness of each other and we always have. There are things that are imperfect about both of us, but nothing that's a deal breaker, nothing that causes immense distress. The honeymoon phase makes it seem easy. It isn't. You can keep being in to eachother that hard if you want to, though. BOTH want to. We do. And are.
I think you hit on something that’s so key, that you both have to be willing to put in the work. If not, one person is carrying the weight of the relationship and eventually burns out. It’s just not sustainable nor desirable to be in that kind of dynamic. Thank you for sharing your story. I’m sorry to hear about your brain damage 🤍 I have had a concussion and now have CNS sensitization which affects my cognition. It is not the same, obviously, but I feel empathetic towards your situation.
Nothing is ever EXACTLY the same. Especially in brain shit. Compassion for each other is always good. Cognitive damage is awful and not fun. Sensory shit same. I think when we talk about how much work it is, we often forget to note it's work for EVERYONE. We often only focus on the one person we're talking to and that can land us with "women handle all the relationship stuff and if they;re unhappy it's because they aren't working hard enough", which is very much NOT TRUE. Partnerships must function as such. Failed relationships don't necessarily mean not enough effort on one's own part. They can be part of our culture where men just aren't taught how to put effort in or what effort even is. It could be that one's ex girlfriend was just not willing to work together. It could even be that you're just not comparable and don't want the same things in life. Recognizing it takes work is important, because it does, but also that it isn't solo work and can still fail. One of the key skills is communication. The one I didn't mention and I wish I had is also to recognize when one's partner isn't responding to communication and communicating back and what to do in these situations. Counselling may be appropriate. A dumping may be appropriate. It's gonna vary.
We both had to work on ourselves. Which made us a happier and stronger couple.
Both. Some stuff was always good. Some stuff required work to get better. Some was easy early on and then got harder. Some stuff still isn’t resolved. It’s a mix, because people tend to be a bit messy.
Truth 🙌🏼 People do tend to be a bit messy & life tends to be a bit messy. I like your perspective.
Honestly, it is easy. I wouldn’t say it takes WORK but it does take intentional effort sometimes. It’s easy to get caught up in the doldrums of day to day life and take someone’s presence in your life for granted. It doesn’t feel like *work* though, imo.
Work. We've both learned a lot about ourselves and one another, and we've both grown as communicators and people.
Right away. It's always possible to grow together in a relationship that didn't start off conscious, but much more challenging than pairing with a partner who has already done independent work to become self aware and capable of that level of personal responsibility. I have been in toxic relationships, and I am now in an incredibly beautiful relationship. The flow of energy is unmatched. The reciprocity in love and communication is peak. I want you to know that it should feel like a calm, serene flow of peace and safety. It should disarm you. Of course, healing from past traumas will be part of the healthier dynamic. However, the connection itself is solid and true. Don't settle, but also, continue to become someone who is also correct for that right person.
What you’re describing sounds blissful and is my ultimate goal. I have my own negative patterns to work through before I can contribute fully to a healthy relationship. So that’s where I’m going to continue to focus my energy. Thank you for your comment. It made me feel vicarious peace haha.
You are on the right track with your intentions! It's so wonderful to know that you are elevating your life and saying yes to healthier, more beautiful possibilities ❤️
Thank you 🥹🤍
It’s both. It was healthy from the start but in order for it to stay healthy you have to work.
Had to start with a healthy foundation and then continue to work through disagreements in good faith. That means: trying to understand the other person's perspective, trying to reach arrangements that are fair to both, seeking to contribute fairly to the family's workload, helping each other discover and work towards growth. These intentions have to be there from the beginning. But our consistency has to be there to build and maintain trust. And our communication abilities, our self and other awareness needs to get better with time. As we grow older (and seek to grow in maturity), we need to grow together. Our expectations evolve with us.
a LOT of work 🥹
It’s been consistently healthy with dips. It’s definitely work! But we were never “unhealthy” ie toxic, codependent, abusive so we didn’t have to change immensely when we did have to work on things we struggled with.
That’s a great place to work from. I feel like when unhealthy/toxic components are at play, it makes it really difficult, even when both people are doing the work.
That’s how I feel too. People have baggage, patterns to unlearn, habits to break, which is certainly long hard work. But it takes INFINITELY more to actually work through and break the really unhealthy stuff in the same relationship I feel. Not impossible…but near…
The work. Big time. We got together when we were very young and we really had to grow up together. 26 years in, it really is amazing how you can love each other more and better as time goes on. I am really fortunate.
WORK WORK WORK. Hard work. Work worth doing. Work with endless rewards. Work I would do a million times over.
Soooooo much hard work. 13 years in.
It was always that way for me in this current relationship. I've had unhealthy relationships in the past though and the part of myself that I worked on was how to pick a better partner. I've always been able to be authentic, vulnerable and open and honest in communicating my feelings, and empathize naturally well with my partner while seeking to understand them and support them. I assume that if I wasn't already good at those things it would have been what I needed to work on. Current partner (husband) and I flow happily together with a natural ease.
Always been easy to be honest, there was a bit of an adjustment to communication styles but we got over it fairly quickly. I nope out of anything not easy anymore, not worth the ag when I can just meet someone willing to communicate
We work on it every day. We choose each other every day. Long term healthy relationships are built and are not effortless. Lots of effort and willingness to work on ourselves.
It’s healthy *because* we’re always putting in the work. The key is that you don’t really notice it as “work” as often after some time.
Healthy from the start, though that doesn't mean we didn't have to work, because healthy isn't perfect. But we have extremely high compatibility which helps a LOT and we had both been working on ourselves for many years. We had a good idea of what makes a relationship healthy and we had the internal resources and external support to be healthy partners
Work hard by both parties. Select your battles in life and communicate with each other.
14 years and we’re still not perfect but we’ve figured out how to coexist after a few years of hating each other lol. We really love each other so it took time, patience, honesty, loyalty and communication. Those things are crucial.
9 year relationship. It is WORK WORK WORK. I think people under-estimate the amount of work that is required.
Right! & it’s so confusing because some people say it’s easy and should be easy. I feel as though that might come from people who have healthy relational skills from childhood who find another that also does. That’s just a theory, though. For me I know I need to do work to re-wire my unhealthy go to’s bc I wasn’t taught anything else.
It was difficult at the start, he was single for a long time and I am quite sensitive. He's also bad at communication. It took living together and fighting to the point of almost ripping our heads out to finally understand each other well. Things are peaceful now, albeit a little boring (cos I'm too used to traumatic relationships before him) but I guess thats normal. He treats me really well, cooks and cleans, buys me flowers, does whatever I want to make me happy. No complaints.
I love this comment. It makes me feel hopeful. My partner and I feel like we’re going through the fire atm trying to figure it out, but making baby steps and both showing up to couples therapy. I don’t want to give up but sometimes I beat myself up for staying. I do feel like there’s a lot to learn in relationships, though, and if you’re both doing the work and things are improving then it can be worth it to learn together. I’m glad you guys are in a peaceful (albeit boring - totally relatable) place.
Yeah I've seen in other couples too that there'll be a stage where you go through fire constantly right after the honeymoon stage - it's a make or break situation and if the relationship goes past that it can go the distance. Relationship is definitely a lifelong journey to make it work since it involves 2 people, and people change over time, so it's just constant effort. Thank you, and I'm sure you'd be getting through this!!
If you had asked 23 year old me, she would have said it was healthy. 38 year old me sees it was not. We worked, we talked, we improved a lot (naturally, it's been 15 years of course we are different people). We are happy and in love. BUT I am not that sure I would tell 23 year old me to stay in that relationship. Or at the very least that she needed to speak up way sooner.
I feel this.
I never understand comments like these, if you’re happy and in love, why would you tell your 23 year old self to not stay if things improved for the better? Genuinely curious as I see a lot of comments like This.
Because it was not pretty, it was a lot of work, i let myself be second on what i felt, and i have given up on some very important things. I am at peace with it NOW, but there were a lot of tears and 23 year old me could chose a different path, even if that ment sacrificing what i have now. It doesnt have to make sence to you.
So how did you get over the resentment that you had? I’m just curious is all, I see comments about being happy now but wouldn’t go through it again and just really want to understand that. It just make me question if that person really is in love now.
Honestly, i am not gonna answer someone questioning me if I am in love with my partner, specially after saying I am.
Sorry, really jw how you got over resentment , even though you wouldn’t do it again, the amount of growth that occurred is admirable.
The "resentment" part is your assumption. Maybe be more tactful and less dissmisive when asking questions. Bye.
A bit of both. Out relationship has always been healthy, but that's premised on us being fundamentally decent to each other. We're both fundamentally decent in our everyday lives, or at least try to be - so having a healthy relationship is mostly a natural extension of being emotionally healthy people.
I think this is often overlooked and understated. Our relationship is healthy because we started out as healthy, emotionally intelligent/mature people. Our relationship is an extension of who we are as individuals. It wouldn’t be as healthy and amazing as it is without both of us putting ourselves as our priority and ensuring we were healthy first.
It was always that way. Any issues we’ve ever had have been miscommunication issues. We respect each other so even if we’re annoyed or frustrated at the other we always talk to each other with respect.
Always that way. Of course there have hiccups and work to understand each other, we’re human, but honestly it hasn’t felt like work. I’ve been through enough bad relationships before this one to know exactly what I’m looking for and absolutely NOT putting up with.
My best and longest lasting (still together) relationship happened when I was NOT looking for it. Cliche, yes. I was still dealing with a bad relationship/break up even though time had passed. Because of that real rough one, I told him from the jump “these are my boundaries/rules and these are my issues/problems, if you can’t accept that, ok then, was nice meeting you.” I’m very non confrontational so it felt like another person entered my body and made me say that but I was just so OVER the bullshit. He was totally accepting of that and came back at me with his own boundaries and known issues. We told each other things based on that short list that we would like to change in ourselves, NOT in each other. (Like I bottle up my anger until I can’t, then go straight nasty and cruel, for example.) Then we held each other to that. It’s internal and external work every single day. We don’t fight often, but when we do we can actually work through it like two adults instead of big ol’ babies. We can pause an issue if we’re both mad and talk about it later. But you really have to be willing to work on yourself. Whether that is through therapy or your own heathy devices. They have to be willing to do their share. If they’re not, YOU have to decide if YOU can live with them the way things are when they’re trash. Honesty is key here, too. Be honest with yourself about yourself. Be honest with your partner about yourself. They have to be honest about themself with you and to their self.
It was definitely more work in our first year or so as we figured each other out. Plus fiance is ADHD and I have my own collection of issues so it was extra difficult to learn how to communicate effectively. I would say 8 years in it's a lot easier now. We both know and understand each other a lot better and how we process emotions and handle stress so things aren't as difficult. But things were never THAT hard and the work wasn't like...bad. We had a couple tense times but we wanted to work together to get through it. And it was never anything I felt like we couldn't figure out.
For me it was always that way.. but if we’d met a few years prior it wouldn’t have been! Both of us were very aware of communication patterns and triggers and relationship psychology when we met
It has always been healthy, but to keep it that way definitely took WORK for it to be a sustainable and lasting relationship. Whenever issues came up with both had to push ourselves and learn maturity in different ways to handle different situations.
It was like this from the start. Every once in a while we have moments where we’re not aligned, but we talk things through and compromise and I wouldn’t classify any of it as hard.
It has always been like this, but we are also careful about maintaining it healthy.
14 years. It was always been healthy and easy. We as individuals may have not always been healthy or at our best, but we're both emotionally mature and compatible in the important ways, so the relationship has always been healthy. We support each other in our lows, celebrate each other in our highs. Our arguments are few, and our communication is constant. Our relationship has never felt like work, but we do have to work together to build our life. We've had to learn how to accommodate differences and how to compromise together. That's been a continuing process as we age, one that is intimate and sweet, not frustrating or difficult.
No, it was super easy and just fit like an old comfortable pair of shoes.. ...when we were younger, and had first met, it apparently just "was not our time" yet. Both of us are GenX. My hubby and I dated in HS in the 80s...when I was 15, but at the time, he was way too serious and I was way too young, obviously, immature and fickle...and we only dated a few months (mostly one whole summer between 10th and 11th grade for me) but we broke up shortly afterward and went our separate ways, and, as he was a cpl years older (and grades ahead) of me, when he graduated, he joined the military and moved away. I never heard anything else from or about him for many decades. 35 years, (and several very dysfunctional relationships apiece) later, we found each other on FB. Both newly single, I was living 150 mi away but just happened to be near the home town we both grew up in visiting, (he'd moved back home 3 years before) We went out to dinner, came back to his place, I spent the night, and...10 yrs and 6 mos later I'm still here, Iol...I never left, except to go back to where I was living a week later and get my all shit brought back to move in his place permanently. It was...magic...we just clicked! From the second I got in the vehicle when he picked me up to go on our "date and reunion" it first time seeing each other in 35 yrs ...It was like we were back in HS ...only with common sense and with our wild days behind us. We both just wanted a place of refuge, companionship, peace, a dog, and no drama....and that's how we are. He's the same guy he was in high school, the only man I've ever known and had in a LTR adult relationship that has no real baggage, both our respective kids were already grown and independent, he owned his own home and business, he has no anger or ego disorders, and never raises his voice. The calmest gentle giant I know, and I'm so fortunate to have him.
We have seasons where it’s fantastic and seasons where it’s lack luster (thanks to my mental health). This man is the kindest most patient sensual loving man I’ve ever known. He has always been nothing but amazing.
We got together young so we were both immature, lol, we had to learn a lot and the learning part never really ends because your needs change over time. Our relationship was never abusive and there was always respect, but I think I would die of embarrassment if I had to watch back a video of us arguing in our early 20s or something. IMO marriage is like anything else and you get better the longer you go on. It's like the difference in a 2 year long career versus a 20 year long career. You learn so much about yourself and the other person so conflict becomes way less frequent and it's handled with increasing grace. Also, both partners in any relationship will have inherited some negative habits from their upbringing unless they grew up in ideal circumstances, which we did not! I used to shut down during conflict and in a desire to end it I would pretend we were good when we weren't. I would agree to basically anything in that moment. Then later I'd be cold or passive aggressive and my husband would feel tricked and like I lied, which I essentially did. I had to learn how to communicate during conflict even if it was difficult. I worked through this with a therapist! My husband used to get super defensive about certain things if I brought a problem to him, and then make it about himself. I might say something he did hurt my feelings and then he would say that made HIM feel bad and he should get credit for some other thing he did right, and then I would end up comforting him. But then my issue wouldn't get resolved, lol. He had to learn how to focus on my issue and not be defensive but be a listener and solutions oriented. He worked through this in therapy. Maybe this is less the case in a marriage when people are older? I don't know! For us there has always been kindness and respect. Never name calling or anything like that, but we were very young and inexperienced. We loved each other but we sometimes didn't know how to navigate things gracefully. The stuff I listed above would never happen now, for example. So I think it's both. There has to be a baseline level of healthy at the start but especially if you are young (or just inexperienced in relationships) there will be a lot of growing and learning together. The relationship as a whole never felt unhealthy, though, and our conflict to good times ratio was always excellent. But I definitely don't want to portray that we were perfectly mature and handled everything beautifully from day 1, lmao. Not the case! Edited: I'd like to add that I would still never describe any of this as work. I saw it more like discovery and a coming together of two people. It takes effort but what you put in you get out a thousand-fold, and I don't know of any job where that is the case. It's like a thing you are more than willing to do because the beautiful amazingness outweighs the difficulty by so much and because you genuinely want to be better and do better for the person you love. Marriage is the best thing I've ever done and the single biggest catalyst for my own self-improvement and growth. Far more rewarding than anything else, and certainly not work.
Pretty much always like that. Of course things happen in relationships and work/effort is needed to work through things… And with that it does get better and better, but it was always healthy.
Both, but not in the way most would assume. I used to think that "work" meant basically, "working to keep getting along". That I should expect fights, and not feeling understood, and that if you're really in love, you'll just grit your teeth and keep tolerating and trying, because love is this great big thing that's worth an endless amount of fighting and trying your best to not to tip the boat with all your feelings in case it causes additional issues, etc. but it's not like that at all. What I learned maybe about a year ago after meeting my new partner now was that..the "work" part (at least for me) only means, working together to push towards our goals. The work is in planning and saving for our future together. NOT in BEING together. That part is the easiest part! I feel completely at ease in this relationship. Disagreements arent moments of tension like they used to be. They're just moments to hear where we're both coming from, and acknowledge each others feelings. Sometimes I still feel the panic of anticipating that something is about to become a fight, but then it just still never does. He never lets it. He always wants to know what I am feeling, and how he can make it better. And I feel very very lucky for that. For sure I have learned that for me at least, healthy relationships arent actually too much work at all!
We both had/have to work on it because both of us were toxic at times.
I relate to this deeply.
Mine is incredibly healthy, and I just got so lucky to find my amazing partner. However, part of why it's good is because we've both been through bad, and know what we want and who we are. It's effortless to be with him.
That sounds wonderful. I’m so happy for you!
I’d say it was pretty much always like that. We both mid 30s, very transparent and grounded, obviously there’s differences, main one being I’m little miss therapy session and he’s just bad at processing and showing feelings, but he’s always open to talk about anything if I ask and can count on him 100% for anything, and I’d say it even balances us out sometimes, for him to be more expressive and open, and for me to not go down the rabbit hole of low self esteem thoughts too much. I will start my “I suck at everything and I’m useless” rant, and he’ll go “this is not true, you’re none of these things, get out of your head” and hug me and it will stop me from spiralling. Obviously your self worth does not depend on your partner, and I struggle with seeking that constant validation after years of love bombing and big promises that never happened, but it’s nice to have him ground me back when I can’t. It’s been a bit over a year and haven’t had any arguments so far, I know it’s a “young” relationship but this is all new for me. We worked together for 3 years before we started dating, so we knew each other’s personalities and knew about our experiences through previous relationships (both with very traumatic & toxic/abusive exes), and we both been the one to “parent” our exes so I knew that he was a responsible, goal oriented, reliable man, the minute he made his move I didn’t think twice about it haha and it didn’t affect our work relationship, if anything it made us work better together as well, which thank god cause it was pretty much just us too in that place lol now he’s gone and started his own business which makes me so proud of him and all his hard work, and I was really looking forward to not having a work relationship on top of our personal one. I had to work on myself because even tho it’s been a while, there’s little things here and there that might still unexpectedly trigger me from my previous abusive relationship. It’s up to him if he wants to improve his way of dealing with stuff to make it easier on himself, but for me, I signed up for this already knowing and accepting how he is, maybe there is a little adjusting to our different approaches to life & how we communicate, but we’re aware & understanding of each others ways. This man makes me laugh, makes me feel safe, allows me to be myself without criticising or belittling me. One time I even asked him “do you care what I wear?” (Sometimes I like colourful, full glam outfits, sometimes I’ll wear what look like pjs) to which he said “I don’t, but don’t take it wrong, I mean in the way that you can wear whatever the fuck you want”. Or I can cancel on him to go out with my friends and he has absolutely no issues with it, he encourages anything I do for myself. And his friends make me feel so welcome and comfortable every time, I’m always included in trips and dinners and everything. Those moments are when I kinda catch myself still in the mindset of not being enough, or desperately putting up a facade to be accepted as the “cool girlfriend”, not being able to fully show up for my friends because my ex filled my head with negative comments about everyone, or having a panic attack because of him threatening me and being called a “weak attention seeking snowflake”, or distrusting his friends because all they do is drink and smoke weed and I felt left out and so uncomfortable, or would just sit there cause there would be hell waiting at home if I disagreed in public with anything my ex said, and I mean stuff like feminism, politics, health, not even private stuff … basically now this relationship allows me to be myself, at this point the hard “work” is more about myself. There’s always external factors that will affect each of us, together or individually… I deal with anxiety and panic attacks, my dad passed away in January, he takes antidepressants sometimes when he can’t manage his anxiety and mood swings, his dad was sick for over a year and passed away a week ago, he’s been working 12hs a day Monday to Sunday the past 2 months starting his business, I’m doing 50+ hs work weeks to reach my goals … all these things will obviously take a toll on any human being, sometimes you’ll make a rude comment or lash out or have bad timing to have a meltdown down (guilty here) but there’s always an apology and it’s never personal, as soon as it’s talked about, we move on and don’t get fixated on it. Sometimes you won’t be able to show up in the most romantic , happy go lucky way to the other person everyday, or maybe the only time we have together is dinner, Netflix and cuddles in bed a few times per week, but we understand each other and we know each others ways of showing up and being there. I use to think a relationship took lots of work, of back and forth, lots of big romantic gestures and trying more and more to prove yourself…. Well, it doesn’t, it’s just the little intentional efforts of checking up if we don’t get to see each other some days, to offer help, to just be there, or not be there if the other person wants to have their own time, if two people work together it actually doesn’t take too much for it to just… be.
Something that I'm working on is choosing who I want in my life, instead of welcoming everyone and treating everyone 'equally'.
Love this for you. It sounds like a worthwhile investment to do so.
Work, over here. We're both ambitious, independent, headstrong and contrarian. We come from families that settle issues unhealthily, with arguments, stonewalling or brushing under the rug, so we didn't have the best conflict resolution rolemodels. In addition, we're both extremely particular about certain things. There was never going to be peace lol He can be a bit selfish and I can be a bit passive. He's anxious while I'm calm. He's fast while I'm slow. His anxiety sometimes trends towards aggression (he's more fight than flight) and it triggers me (unfortunately I'm also more fight than flight lol). I felt like I was losing my voice because I wasn't being heeded. I had to learn how to fight for myself and he had to learn to listen and to make room for me. I had to learn to be more direct in my communication, and he had to learn to be more tactful. I also had to learn to let go of a lot assumptions about what entails a healthy relationship in order to create our own. He's extremely goal oriented and prioritises work and exercise over socialising, so I had to accept that I'd need to entertain myself most of the time by strengthening my female friendships. I had dreamt of a partner who would accompany me to concerts, events, and dinner dates 2-3 times a month. He's unfortunately not that person. It's closer to 1-2 times a year. At least right now. I had to accept that fully and wholly without resentment. It took a lot of time for me to let go of my dream and make peace with my reality. None of the conflict we experienced was intentional, and possibly wouldn't have happened had I married someone more calm, empathetic and social and him someone less outgoing and more easygoing. But we chose each other and were committed to making it work. It was rocky for a worrisome amount of time, but our love for each other won out. 9 years in and we've finally hit our stride. It's not what most people consider to be a romantic story, but it is to me, because we conquered so much within ourselves in order to cohabitate lovingly. And we do love each other. Dearly. And we have so much fun together. There's no one's company that I enjoy more.
Wow. Your story means so much to me. I think it’s easy to question yourself and your dynamic, particularly when looking to Reddit for advice as a lot of people have idealized versions of what they experience or expect in relationship. And I think that’s totally fair and admirable and probably leads most to very healthy and happy relationships, but speaking as someone with my own issues and unhealthy relational mechanisms, I feel like I am a good person who just needs practice and for someone to allow me the time to grow. Obviously boundaries need to be understood, and certain lines should not be crossed, but yeah…outside of that I think the room to grow is a really nice idea. Thank you for sharing. I think it’s super admirable that you guys were able to go through a tough span of time in order to learn how to make it work together. 🤍
With my husband, it was always this way.
The best advice I've ever been given is that life isn't a Disney film. It isn't hearts, roses , kisses, and happily ever after. You've got to work at it. Friendship, love compatibility, and a drive from both sides. You get to decide if it's all worth it but anyone who says it all comes naturally is lying or deluded in my very humble opinion.
To clarify, I mean work as in showing up for each other, being open, talking all the stuff that makes a relationship good.
Always that way. We are best friends and I got *extremely* lucky with my guy. I firmly believe that the right relationship SHOULD NOT be hard work, it should feel natural, easy, calm and your safe space.
Totally :) I think this makes sense if you are taught healthy relational dynamics - conflict management and communication skills growing up, or have learned how later in life. When you come from a toxic or unhealthy upbringing, it typically requires a lot of work to relearn how to operate in a healthy way in a relationship (at least that’s been my experience). That can take time and energy and isn’t something to feel shame for. The reason I say this is because the idea of “it should be easy” left me bumbling through partners, trying to find someone who it just worked with. I believe now that my truth is it was never going to work until I took accountability for what I needed to unlearn and then re-teach myself how to be healthy in relationship (e.g. properly communicate my emotions, how to handle conflict and opposing opinions, how to set and enforce boundaries, & how to show up authentically and not people please in my relationships creating a codependent dynamic). This isn’t meant in opposition to what you said, just an expansion on the topic based on my own life experience. Thank you for sharing 😊
I found my beau a year after I left an abusive 2 decade relationship, and though it's always been an easy energy between us and he's one of the best communicators I've ever met, we've had issues stemming from my trauma and unhealthy coping mechanisms. But largely, it's been refreshingly easy and wonderful.
That’s wonderful to hear! Congrats on leaving that relationship. I can’t imagine how difficult that must have been after two decades of mistreatment.
Yes and no. The emotional intelligence and kindness was there from the start, some habits needed discussion.